Confusing Your Curated Social Media Self With Your True Self

What is the Curated Social Media Self?

The curated social media self is the carefully crafted digital persona users present on their social media.

Confusing Your Curated Self With Your True Self

The curated self includes the conscious selection, editing and organization of personal content, such as photographs, achievements and opinions, to showcase a highly favorable version of a usser's life rather than the unfiltered reality.

This phenomenon transforms everyday users into their own personal "brand managers". 

The curated self can take many different forms depending on the intended audience: a professional image, a picturesque lifestyle on Instagram or carefully curated views and opinions on other social media platforms.

The Psychological Impact of Believing in the Curated Social Media Self as Your True Self

Although there are many positive aspects of social media, including bridging geographical gaps, finding jobs, learning online, my focus is on the psychological impact of believing in your social media self as your true self and how it alters your psychology, relationships and self worth:

Psychological Fragmentation

• Loss of Your True Self: You can lose touch with your authentic emotions, personal challenges and baseline personality (see my article: Living Authentically).

Confusing Your Curated Self With Your True Self

• Identity Foreclosure: You stop growing because you feel you must conform to a fixed online brand.

• Hypervigilance: You constantly monitor your behavior to make sure it matches your online image.

• Depersonalization: You begin viewing your life as only content to be documented online.

Emotional Consequences

• Fragile Self Esteem: Your mood can fluctuate based on audience engagement and shifting algorithms.

• Chronic Anxiety: You can live in a state of chronic anxiety due to fear of public rejection, mistakes or fear of being "cancelled".

Confusing Your Curated Self With Your True Self

• Loneliness: You can feel unloved because people praise the "character" or persona they see online and not the real you (see my article: Coping With Loneliness).

• Loss of Joy For Real Life: Real life experiences can lose joy unless they generate online validation or metric boosts.

Social and Behavioral Issues

• Superficial Relationships: You might treat friends like props or networking nodes rather than forming genuine human connections.

Confusing Your Curated Self with Your True Self

• Performative Lifestyle: You make major life choices based on aesthetic appeal rather than personal utility.  You can reduce real life experiences into experiences that are lived for the camera only.

• Impaired Empathy: You might view social issues and personal tragedy through the lens of personal branding.

• Social Media Burnout: Social media burnout is a state of chronic mental, emotional and physical exhaustion triggered by prolonged and compulsive engagement with digital networks, especially if you constantly compare yourself to others on social media and assume that their curated selves are authentic (see my article: How to Stop Comparing Yourself Unfavorably to Others).

What is a Digital Detox?

If you can identify with some or all of the problems mentioned above, you might be ready for a digital detox.

A digital detox is a time when a person voluntarily refrains from using digital devices like smartphones, computers, tablets and social media platforms.  

The goal is not to abandon technology forever, but to reduce stress, curb constant digital distractions and focus on real-world social interactions. 

What Are the Signs That You Might Benefit From a Digital Detox?

Consider stepping back from your screens if you notice any of the following indicators:

• Reaching for your phone as soon as you wake up

• Losing track of time while mindlessly scrolling

Confusing Your Curated Self With Your True Self

• Experiencing FOMO (fear of missing out) when you are away from your device

• Mood changes like feeling anxious, irritable, angry, sad or depressed while browsing social media

• Disrupted Sleep caused by late night notifications or screen glare

• Spending time comparing yourself to others on social media

• Recognizing you have superficial relationships because you haven't made an effort to develop meaningful relationships

• Feeling lonely because your relationships are primarily online or any of the other psychological, emotional, social or behavioral issues mentioned above

How Can Psychotherapy Help

Psychotherapy, especially Experiential Therapy, can help by bridging the gap between your online persona and their authentic true self offline (see my article: Why is Experiential Therapy More Effective Than Traditional Talk Therapy?).

Getting Help in Therapy

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to:

• Deconstruct the digital mask
• Help build grounded reality
• Heal the psychic split so you can experience your true self

I will write more about this in my next article:

How Can Psychotherapy Help With Confusion Between Your Social Media and Your True Self?

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapy.

I have helped many individual adults and couples over the years.

To find out more out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

 

What is Self Awareness and Why Is It Important For You and Your Relationships?

What is Self Awareness?

Self awareness is the conscious ability to recognize and understand your own emotions, thoughts, behaviors, strengths and weaknesses (see my article: What is Self Reflecting Awareness and Why Is It Important to You?).

Developing Self Awareness

Self awareness involves objectively evaluating your character and recognizing how your actions and personality affect yourself and others.  Self awareness acts as the basis for Emotional Intelligence (EQ).

What Are the Core Components of Self Awareness?

• Internal Self Awareness: Understanding your own inner emotional wants and needs, values, passions, aspirations and emotional reactions

• External Awareness: Recognizing how you are perceived by others and understanding the impact of your actions on them 

• Objective Focus: The ability to monitor yourself as if you were another person by focusing on the reality of your behavior rather than on a self created story

Why Does Self Awareness Matter?

• Enhanced Emotional Control: Recognizing your emotions helps you to manage them effectively

Developing Self Awareness

• Better Relationships: Understanding your impact on others helps improves interpersonal connections

• Personal Growth: Identifying strengths and weaknesses fosters a growth mindset and increased self esteem

What Are the Signs of Low Self Awareness?

Some of the signs of low self awareness include:

• Lack of Reflection: Rarely thinking about your own thoughts, feelings, behavior or motivations 

• Limited Emotional Vocabulary: Describing feelings as only "good" or "bad" or in some other vague way that make it difficult to understand, process or communicate your feelings

• Poor Emotional Regulation: Experiencing intense, sudden emotional outbursts or being unable to identify and manage your own triggers

• Defensiveness and Accountability Deficits: Responding to feedback with anger or excuses rather than reflection and taking responsibility for mistakes

• "Blind Spots" and Poor Perspective: An inability to "read the room" or to recognize how your behavior affects others (see my article: Overcoming Your Emotional Blind Spots)

• Arrogance and Over-Reliance on External Validation: Holding a distorted or overly positive view of yourself while needing to be the center of attention (i.e. a need for a lot of external validation) and always needing to be "right"

• Boundary Crossing: Consistently crossing or pushing other people's boundaries (see my article: How to Set Boundaries Without Guilt)

What Are the Consequences of Low Self Awareness?

While you might struggle to understand why your actions aren't getting you the results you want, low self awareness often leads to:

• Fractured relationships
• Poor decision-making
• High levels of anxiety and frustration 

How to Develop Better Self Awareness

• Get Curious: Get curious about your own thoughts, feelings and behavior and what motivates you (see my article: How to Develop a Curious Mindset)

• Practice Mindfulness: Be fully present and aware of your thoughts and feelings in the moment

• Seek Feedback: Ask trusted friends and family members for their perspective on your behavior

Developing Self Awareness

• Journaling: Reflect on your thoughts, feelings and behavior in a journal

• Asking Yourself "Why": Analyze the underlying reasons behind your behavior and your decisions and ask why you feel and think the way you do

How Can Therapy Help You to Develop Increased Self Awareness?

Psychotherapy, especially Experiential Therapy, provides a safe space for you to boost your self awareness:

• A Safe Reflection Space: The therapist can offer a "mirror", providing objective feedback that helps you to see blind spots and helps you to see how your behavior affects you and others.

• Identifying Unconscious Patterns: Therapy can help you to identify recurring unconscious thoughts, feelings and behavior that influence your life which helps you to move from automatic reactions to conscious choices.

Developing Self Awareness

• Exploring Emotions and Triggers: You can learn to identify, label and understand the root causes of your emotional responses, including stress and anger, using tools like the Wheel of Emotions or other similar methods.

• Mindfulness Techniques: Mindfulness in therapy encourages you to be present and notice your thoughts and behavior in the here-and-now without judgment, which helps you to understand your inner world and manage your responses.

• Uncovering Core Beliefs: By exploring past experiences and current perceptions, you can uncover deep-seated beliefs and values that drive your behavior.

• Visualizing Your Inner World: Experiential Therapy, like Internal Family Systems (IFS), can help you to explore your desires, fears, needs and goals (see my article: How Does Imagery and Imagination Enchance Psychotherapy?).

Getting Help in Therapy

A lack of self awareness often occurs because adults weren't taught about emotional intelligence when they were children. 

Their parents didn't help them to name, validate and manage emotions in their daily life. 

Getting Help in Therapy

This often occurs because these parents weren't taught these skills as children, so they grew up to be adults lacking in self awareness.

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to develop emotional intelligence which will increase your self awareness and your awareness of others. 

By developing better self awareness, you can lead a more meaningful life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have helped many individual adults and couples over the year.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me

What is the Difference Between Psychotherapy and Psychiatry?

Psychotherapy and psychiatry sound alike, so it can be confusing to know what the differences are and when to see a psychotherapist versus when to see a psychiatrist.

The Difference Between Psychotherapy and Psychiatry

What is the Difference Between a Psychotherapy and Psychiatry?

While the two terms might sound interchangeable, there are important key differences:

Psychotherapy

Psychotherapists tend to focus on thoughts, including unconscious thoughts, emotions and behavior.

The Difference Between Psychotherapy and Psychiatry

Psychotherapists have at least a two year Masters degree and many of them also have an additional four years postgraduate training from postgraduate institute (like the Institute for Contemporary Psychotherapy, National Institute of Psychotherapies and other institutes).

Aside from traditional talk therapy, psychotherapists who go on for advanced training also provide specialized therapy including (but not limited to):

• Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR)

Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR)

• Internal Family Systems Parts Work (IFS)

• Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy (AEDP)

• Somatic Experiencing

• Hypnotherapy

• Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy

• Sex Therapy (for individuals and couples)

Depending upon their skills and training, many psychotherapists can help clients to:

• Manage Stress and Anxiety

• Overcome Depression

• Develop Resilience and Better Coping Skills

Couples Therapy

• Improve Relationships

• Process Unresolved Issues, including Unresolved Trauma

• Improve Communication Skills

• Cope with Workplace Issues

• Process Unresolved Grief

• Improve Self Esteem

And many other behavioral and interpersonal issues.

Most psychotherapy sessions occur at least once a week for 45-60 minutes.

Psychiatry

Psychiatry focuses on the medical side of mental health.

Psychiatrists are mental health professions who are medical doctors (MDs or DOs). They provide differential diagnoses, prescribe psychotropic medication such as antidepressants, anti-anxiety medication, antipsychotic medication and other similar medications.

In the past, psychiatrists provided traditional psychotherapy, like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), psychoanalysis and psychodynamic psychotherapy. However, these days most psychiatrists provide medication management. 

Some specialized psychiatrists also provide Electroconvulsive therapy (ECT) for severe mental health conditions such as treatment-resistant major depression, ADHD, schizophrenia and  catatonia (a state where someone is awake but unresponsive to other people or the environment).

After the initial evaluation session, psychiatry sessions tend to be shorter in duration (15-20 minutes) to assess how a client is responding to medication management. After a client has been stabilized on medication, sessions might occur every 3-4 months unless the client needs help with medication.

Integrating Psychotherapy and Psychiatry

Clients, who need medication management, benefit from integrating both psychotherapy and psychiatric treatment and many psychotherapists and psychiatrists collaborate to integrate both treatments (see my article: Medication Alone Isn't As Effective As Including Psychotherapy).

For instance, a psychotherapist who is helping a client with anxiety will often be in touch with the client's psychiatrist to provide feedback on what she has observed in therapy sessions and to get information about medications prescribed. This is only done with a written consent from the client.

While some clients choose to only take medication, research has shown that combining psychotherapy and psychiatric treatments is most effective (when psychiatric treatment is needed) rather than just relying on medication because clients learn coping skills and strategies to deal with their mental health issues. 

Psychotherapy can get to the underlying issues that cause the mental health issues and if worked through in therapy, it's possible that medication won't be necessary for certain clients. 

In addition, when clients stop taking medication for certain mental health issues, they often go back to having the same problems they had before they took medication. For instance, if they never learned to manage anxiety symptoms or get to the root cause of their anxiety in therapy, once they stop taking the medication, they are back to where they were before they stopped taking the medication.

At the same time, there are certain mental health conditions that require medication such as schizophrenia, some forms of ADHD or bipolar disorder to mention just a few.

How to Choose Between Psychotherapy and Psychiatric Treatment

Making a decision about mental health treatment can be a big step, especially if you are new to it.

Consider what you need:

Are you looking for help with understanding yourself, improving your relationships, dealing with situational anxiety or working on unresolved trauma or are you dealing with more complex long-standing psychiatric problems?

If you are dealing with a mental health issue that requires medication (e.g., ADHD, bipolar disorder), starting with a psychiatrist is a good first step. Then, once you are stabilized on medication, you can see a psychotherapist to help you to make the behavioral changes that medication alone won't do.

How to Discover What is Right For You

It's easy to get confused about the differences between psychotherapy and psychiatry.

The Difference Between Psychotherapy and Psychiatry

You're not a broken machine that needs to be "fixed". You're a human being which means that, like everyone else, you have messy, complicated and wonderful parts of yourself. We all do.

Rather than focusing on being "perfect", the goal is developing a better understanding of yourself, practicing self compassion, finding the right tools and strategies to deal with life's inevitable ups and downs and living a meaningful life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have helped many individual adults and couples over the years.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

Why is Experiential Therapy Better Than Traditional Talk Therapy to Deal With Trauma? 

With Experiential Therapy, There Are No Blank-Slate Therapists 

The Mind-Body Connection: Experiential Therapy Offers a Window Into the Unconscious Mind 

How Can Your Dreams Help You to Develop a Deeper Understanding of Yourself?

Dreams are an internal bridge to your unconscious mind.

Develop a Deeper Understanding of Yourself Through Dreams

Dreams help you to process your emotions, problems-solve and confront unresolved fears and desires. This is why they are such a rich source of information about your internal world.

How Can Dreams Help You to Develop a Deeper Understanding of Yourself?

Since dreams bypass the logical part of your waking mind, you can gain a deeper understanding of your unconscious mind in the following ways:

• Emotional Processing and Regulation: Dreams can help you to identify emotions and work through unprocessed emotions which helps with emotional regulation.

• Identifying Blindspots: Since dreams bypass your logical conscious mind, they can reveal aspects of yourself that you're not aware of during your waking state including blindspots (see my article: Overcoming Emotional Blindspots).

Develop a Deeper Understanding of Yourself Through Dreams

• Creative Problem Solving: Dreams can provide you with a fresh perspective on challenges you are trying to resolve. They can provide ways to practice responses to these challenges that you might not think of when you're awake.

• Highlighting Unresolved Problems: Recurring dreams are often signals about ongoing stressors or unresolved conflicts. 

How Can You Remember and Use Your Dreams For Self Discovery?

Here are some practical tips that can be helpful:

• Set a Pre-sleep Intention: Before going to sleep, tell yourself that you will remember your dreams.

• Stay Still When You Wake Up: When you wake up, don't move or open your eyes immediately.  Physical movement and sensory input (light) can make it more difficult to remember dreams.

• Dream Delving: Dream delving is also called reverse recall. If you only remember a fragment of your dream, focus on that fragment, image or emotion and work backwards. Ask yourself, "Where was I?" and "What was I doing in the dream?". It's also helpful to be aware of the emotions you're experience upon waking up to see if these emotions are related to your dreams.

• Keeping a Dream Journal: Recording dreams in a dream journal on a consistent basis can help improve dream recall and help you to see growth patterns over time.

• Dream Analysis: Instead of taking dreams literally, look for the emotional tone of the dreams, symbols as well as personal meaning (see my article: Dream Analysis: Are You Fascinated By Your Dreams?).

• Active Dream Participation: Techniques like rewriting nightmares after you wake up allow you to consciously interact with the dream material to face fears directly and allow you to work through unresolved issues (see my article: Transforming Nightmares Through Creative Dreamwork).

How Can Psychodynamic Psychotherapy Help You to Understand Your Dreams?

Psychodynamic psychotherapy can help you to understand your dreams by providing a collaborative framework with your therapist to identify symbolic imagery, emotional patterns and unconscious conflicts and desires.

Psychodynamic psychotherapy can help:

• Identify Themes: Psychodynamic therapists can help you to spot recurring symbols and emotional patterns that might signal unresolved issues.

Develop a Deeper Understanding of Yourself Through Dreams

• Help With Emotional Regulation: Psychodynamic therapists can help to unpack dreams, including nightmares or scary dreams which can help you to manage your emotions.

• Provide a Safe Place For Exploration: Therapy provides a safe space to explore difficult feelings that can surface in dreams. 

• Help With Behavioral Change: When you gain a better understanding of your dreams, this understanding can provide a catalyst to make changes in your life.

There are many different ways of doing dreamwork (see the links below other articles).

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychodynamic psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have helped many individual adults and couples over the years.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

Dreams and Embodied Imagination 

Jungian Dreamwork 

Using Dreams to Tap Into Your Creative and Intuitive Power

Working With Dreams to Develop Your Creative Imagination 

How Does Imagery and Imagination Enhance Psychotherapy?

Surviving the End of a Relationship

Ending a relationship is often a challenging experience with many complex, non-linear emotional reactions (see my article: Overcoming the Heartbreak of a Breakup).

Surviving the End of a Relationship

Each person's reactions to a breakup vary at different stages, but there are some common reactions, including a mixture of all the feelings mentioned below:

Common Emotional Reactions

• Sadness: Most people experience sadness after a breakup whether they were the ones who wanted the breakup or not. This often involves crying, social withdrawal and a deep sense of loss. For some people it also includes a period of depression.

• Seeking Explanations: Most people have a strong need to understand why the relationship ended, often replaying past events in their mind to try to find answers.

• Shock and Denial: If the breakup was unexpected, many people have a difficult time accepting it at first because the breakup is a shock. This can lead to a sense of denial that the relationship is over or to a sense of numbness.

• Bargaining: Many people will try to regain control by promising to change or plead for another chance. 

• Anger and Resentment: Many individuals feel angry and resentful if they didn't initiate the breakup. This can lead to lashing out against their ex or self destructive behavior.

• Relief: If the relationship was a high-conflict or unhealthy relationship, an individual might experience a sense of relief.

Common Physical and Psychological Reactions

In addition to the emotional reactions, a breakup can affect the body and daily functioning:

• Brain Chemistry: As a result of a breakup, an individual can experience a loss of the "feel good" hormones like dopamine and oxytocin which can lead to withdrawal-like symptoms. This can also create cravings for the ex-partner.

• Physical Symptoms: An individual going through a breakup can experience increased cortisol which can result in muscle tension, headaches, sleep disturbance and changes in appetite.

• Cognitive Symptoms: It's not unusual to experience a temporary decrease in concentration, memory and decision-making abilities.

Recovery Behaviors

Each person has their own individual recovery behaviors that work for them. Some people prefer to get active again and others prefer to spend time on their own in solitude to recover (see my article: What is the Difference Between Loneliness and Solitude?).

• Going No Contact: Many individuals prefer to go no contact with their ex rather than rehashing their feelings, engaging in bargaining or ongoing discussion about anger and resentment.

Surviving the End of a Relationship

• Spending Time in Solitude: There are some individuals who prefer to spend time on their own to deal with a breakup. They might spend time meditating, journaling or doing other solitary activities they find self affirming.

• Re-engaging in Hobbies and Social Activities: Some people find they prefer to immerse themselves in activities that are meaningful to them including engaging in hobbies and social activities. 

• Reframing the Loss: Being able to reframe a loss usually doesn't happen immediately because it can take time to work through some of the more difficult feelings about the breakup. If someone tries to "reframe" too soon in the grieving process, it can mean that they are avoiding dealing with difficult emotions and they just want to fast forward the process too quickly. For individuals who have allowed themselves to go through the stages of grief about the breakup, reframing can mean seeing the loss in terms of a period of self growth and a time to reinvest in themselves by exploring new interests and build resilience.

• Seek Support: Reaching out to supportive friends and family members as well as to a mental health professional can help to deal with the sense of grief, loss, shock or denial which is often involved in a breakup.

How Can Therapy Help to Deal With a Breakup?

Working with a skilled licensed mental health professional provides a safe, supportive and structured environment to process intense emotions and practical changes involved with a breakup.

Surviving the End of a Relationship

Working with an experienced psychotherapist can help to accelerate the healing process by offering an objective perspective as well as tools and strategies that family and friends often cannot provide.

Well-meaning friends and family members often urge individuals who are going through a breakup to "move on" and "get out there and meet someone new" before the person going through the breakup might be ready. 

Aside from providing a supportive environment, a skilled therapist can also help with:

• Normalizing Common Reactions to a Breakup: An experienced therapist knows that there are common reactions to a breakup and won't try to push you to "move on" before an individual is ready. At the same time, if someone is stuck and unable to grieve, a skilled therapist can help the individual to overcome the obstacles that might be getting in their way.

Surviving the End of a Relationship

• Helping With Emotional Regulation and Coping: Experienced therapists can teach clients skills like grounding techniques, mindfulness, breathing exercises as well as other skills to manage intrusive thoughts and emotional distress.

• Restoring Daily Functioning: If a breakup has disrupted sleep, appetite and ability to function in other ways, an experienced therapist can help you to re-establish your routines and regain focus on daily activities.

• Rebuilding Identity: Many people lose their sense of self when a relationship ends, especially a long term relationship. 

• Breaking Relationship Patterns: By looking at past relationship dynamics, you can identify unhealthy patterns and set healthy boundaries in future relationships.

• Regaining Confidence: If the breakup has caused a loss of confidence, a licensed mental health professional can help an individual to regain their confidence. 

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (four couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

As a Trauma Therapist, I have helped many individual adults and couples over the years.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

When Love Doesn't Conquer All

Coping With a Breakup When Closure With Your Ex Isn't Possible

How to Be Open to New Possibilities After Healing From a Breakup

Coping With the Death of an Abusive Parent

One of the most complicated experiences of grief is coping with the death of a parent who abused you.

This is especially true if there were times when this parent was kind and caring and, at other times, abusive or just abusive most of the time, which can create confusion for the child being abused. And that confusion often continues into adulthood.

Coping With the Death of an Abusive Parent

In a prior article, Unresolved Trauma: Coping With a Passive Parent Who Didn't Protect You From Abuse, I wrote about an example of this issue in the vignette in that article.

Under these circumstances, it's common to feel a mixture of feelings including relief, sadness, grief, guilt and shame.

Since the parent who abused you is dead and if they didn't express remorse, this means that they can no longer express their remorse and ask for forgiveness. For many adult children, this is its own form of loss.

How to Process Your Emotions While Coping With the Death of An Abusive Parent

• Acknowledge All Your Feelings: It's important to acknowledge all of the mixed feelings you might have towards your dead parent--all the messy feelings like relief, grief, sadness, anger, resentment, guilt and shame.

Coping With the Death of an Abusive Parent

• Be Aware of Your Personal Survival Strategy: Whether your brain and body are numbing or your mind is overanalyzing, recognize that these are your coping strategies for the moment. Grounding techniques and breathing exercises can help you to stay relatively calm. Exercise, even walking, can help you to release some of this "stuck" energy.

• Grieve For the Lost Potential: You might find yourself grieving for the parent you wish you had and deserved to have in addition to any grief you might feel for your actual parent.

Why is Grieving Under These Circumstances So Complicated?

• Biological Paradox: Your brain's attachment system, which seeks connection, and your threat system, which detects danger, are both activated simultaneously. This can lead to internal chaos for you.

• If There Was No Reconciliation: Death removes any chance for the parent to understand, acknowledge and make amends for the abuse. You are left with many unresolved and complicated feelings that you need to work out on your own or, preferably, with the help of a licensed mental health professional who has an expertie in this area.

• Fragmented Memories: It's not unusual for a parent to be warm and loving at one point and threatening and abusive at other times. This can make it very difficult to understand who this parent was to you and how you feel about them. If the abuse occurred when you were young, you might even experience this parent almost as if they are two different people in your life.

• Lack of Validation: Other people might praise your deceased parent at a funeral or memorial service which can feel isolating because it doesn't match your reality. Even close relatives who might know your parent's abusive nature might tell you, "Don't speak ill of the dead" which can also make you feel alone and lonely in your experience.

What Can You Do to Heal?

• Validate All Your Feelings: Accept that it is normal and common to feel many contradictory feelings at the same time. 

• Prioritize Your Peace of Mind: You are not obligated to place your deceased parent who abused you on a pedestal, nor are you obligated to attend their funeral if it will compromise your peace of mind. Others might not understand or agree, but you have to do what is right for you.

• Externalize Your Emotional Pain: Writing a no-holds-barred letter, which you do not send, or writing in your journal can help you to express all your contradictory feelings and begin to process any unfinished business between you and your deceased parent.

• Get Help in Trauma Therapy: Grief counselors often don't have specialized training in how to deal with complex grief like this. Working with a trauma therapist, a licensed mental health professional who is trained in complex trauma, can help you to work through your mixed feelings and overcome the unresolved trauma. There are various modalities of trauma therapy including:

• EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing)

• AEDP (Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy)

• Somatic Experiencing 

• Parts Work Therapy (IFS and Ego States Therapy)

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

As a Trauma Therapist, I have helped many individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

Grieving For a Parent Who Wasn't There For You

Coping With the Loss of a Loved One: Common Reactions 

Coping With Complicated Grief 

Mourning the Loss of a Father You Have Never Known 

Letting Go of Resentment