How to Develop a Healthy Relationship to Joy and Pleasure

Developing a healthy relationship to joy and pleasure can be challenging for many people for a variety of reasons which will be discussed in this article.

Developing a Healthy Relationship to Joy and Pleasure

What Does It Mean to Have an Unhealthy Relationship to Joy and Pleasure?

Before we look at what it means to have a healthy relationship to joy and pleasure, let's take a look at what it means to have an unhealthy relationship.

An unhealthy relationship to joy and pleasure often involves seeking external validation and engaging in unsustainable or damaging behavior:

• Dependence and Compulsion includes:

• Intermittent Reinforcement: Unhealthy relationships often include intermittent reinforcement of intense pleasure which are used to tolerate ongoing toxic and or manipulative behavior creating a cycle of dependency.

• Chasing the "High": Compulsive seeking of intense short-term pleasure which can lead to shame, guilt and other negative consequences.

• Imbalance and Exploitation includes:
• Using Others For Pleasure while neglecting their wishes and boundaries

• A Tendency to Prioritize Pleasure While Neglecting Emotional Intimacy and Genuine Connection: There is a tendency to avoid emotional intimacy which results in superficial relationships. The pursuit of pleasure offers only a temporary boost in happiness which creates an ongoing cycle of this dynamic. This creates emotional distance, possibly emotional numbing, loneliness and difficulty expressing emotions and only short term or casual relationships.

• Imposing Control and Having a Sense of Entitlement: Feeling entitled to pleasure without respecting a partner's wishes or boundaries

• Feeling Guilt and Shame: Guilt and shame get in the way of experiencing joy and pleasure

What Does It Mean to Develop a Healthy Relationship to Joy and Pleasure?

Developing a healthy relationship to joy and pleasure includes conscious practices including appreciation and presence:

• Practicing Mindfulness: Learning to savor joyous and pleasurable moments--no matter how small (see my article: The Mind-Body Connection and Mindfulness Meditation).

• Cultivating Gratitude: One way to cultivate gratitude is by keeping a gratitude journal.

• Making Meaningful Connections: Finding joy in helping others and investing in meaningful relationships rather than only seeking immediate gratification (see my article: Why Are Close Friendship Important?).

Developing a Healthy Relationship to Joy and Pleasure

• Celebrating Small Wins: Acknowledging wins, no matter how small, including a completed task or a delicious meal, which can reinforce your experience of pleasure (see my article: Celebrating Small Wins).

• Balancing Joy and Purpose: Recognizing that, rather than seeing joy as a fleeting state, it can also be a deep, more resilient state of being connected to your purpose and values. 

Developing a Healthy Relationship to Joy and Pleasure

• Developing Meaningful Connections With Others: Nurture connections rather than focusing on immediate gratification.

• Self Love and Self Care: Take responsibility for your own happiness. Prioritize your physical, emotional and psychological health.

• Emotional Resilience: Finding moments of happiness even during stressful times--not just in external circumstances (see my article: Developing Resilience).

Why Do Some People Struggle to Have a Healthy Relationship to Joy and Pleasure?

Many people feel guilty about allowing themselves to experience pleasure for various reasons including:

• Ingrained Cultural Beliefs About Joy and Pleasure: Many cultural beliefs link joy and pleasure to laziness, selfishness, and personal beliefs about feeling like they don't deserve to experience pleasure.

• Learned Beliefs: There might be learned beliefs from family history that links pleasure to selfishness and childishness, which makes the pursuit of pleasure seem wrong.

Developing a Healthy Relationship to Joy and Pleasure

• Guilt and Shame: For many people pleasure feels like a dereliction of their obligations and responsibilities which engenders guilt and shame (see my article: Overcoming Shame).

• Lack of Self Worth: Many people feel they are not worthy of experiencing pleasure because of their own traumatic history (see my article: Overcoming the Emotional Pain of Feeling Unlovable).

• Fear of Being Judged: Some people fear that if they experience pleasure, others will judge them for it, but it's often their own internal critic that is involved  (see my article: Overcoming the Internal Critic).

• Other Personal and Societal Reasons: A variety of other reasons both personal and societal

How Can People Overcome Shame and Guilt About Enjoying Pleasure and Joy?

Working on overcoming shame and guilt about enjoying pleasure and joy can be challenging.

• Start By Identifying the Root Cause: Ask yourself what might have contributed to your negative relationship with pleasure and joy. Is it related to cultural issues, familial messages or other sources?

Developing a Healthy Relationship to Joy and Pleasure

• Question the Story You're Telling Yourself: If you know the root of your problem, question your assumptions to see if they hold up in the light of day. Ask yourself what you would tell a loved one who struggled with this problem.

• Separate Self From Behavior: Move from self criticism to an objective assessment of your relationship with joy and pleasure.

• Seek Help in Therapy: If you have been unable to change a negative relationship with joy and pleasure, seek help in therapy.

Get Help in Therapy

An unhealthy relationship with pleasure and joy can be deeply rooted in your history and this problem can be difficult to overcome on your own. 

Getting Help in Therapy

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to overcome the obstacles that are getting in your way.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional so you can lead a more meaningful life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples and I have helped many clients to develop a healthy relationship to joy and pleasure.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

How Glimmers Can Give You a Sense of Ease, Safety and Joy

Discovering Your Happiness Triggers

Savoring Pleasure

Sexual Self Discovery and Pleasure Mapping

Keeping an Erotic Journal For Sexual Self Discovery

What is Trauma-Related Masking?

Masking is a trauma-related response where individuals hide their true personality, feelings or behavior and mimic others as a maladaptive coping strategy to present a false self.

Trauma-Related Masking

One of the problems with masking, which is also known as social camouflage, is that it creates a disconnect from an individual's true self or genuine self. 

Another problem is that it doesn't allow for genuine connections with others.

Why Causes Trauma Masking?

Childhood trauma can create deeply rooted feelings of:

• Fear
• Shame
  
• Guilt
• A sense of being unworthy or being unlovable

Masking these and other feelings temporarily helps individuals to deal with social situations where they feel too much stress and anxiety to be themselves. 

What Does Masking Look Like?

Masking can include some or all of the following:

• Suppressing feelings
• Hiding aspects of one's personality
• Trying to mimic other people to act in a way that they think is acceptable to others

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many cases, illustrates how an individual with a traumatic history uses masking and how trauma therapy can help.

Jane

When Jane left her parents' home to go to college, she felt anxious about meeting new people in college.

Throughout elementary school, middle school and junior high school, Jane only had one or two friends who made an effort to befriend her. She never invited any of these friends home because her father was usually drunk and her mother was depressed so Jane felt too ashamed to allow anyone into her home.

When she met her roommates at college, Jane felt too self conscious to allow her guard down so she tried to imitate their way of speaking and behaving because she believed this is what she had to do to be accepted.

Trauma-Related Masking

Then, one day one of the roommates, Rita, told Jane she realized that Jane was uncomfortable. She told Jane she wanted to have a genuine friendship with her, but she felt Jane wasn't being herself and she encouraged her to be herself.

At first, Jane pretended she didn't know what Rita was talking about. But a couple of weeks later, Jane confided in Rita that she had been pretending and she felt disconnected from herself for so long that she wasn't even sure who she was anymore. 

Soon after that Jane decided to see one of the counselors in the student counseling unit and the counselor was able to help Jane to cope with her anxiety and shame.  She also helped Jane to get help from a trauma therapist off campus.

The trauma therapist got a detailed family history from Jane and asked her about her goals for therapy. Jane told her that she was tired of trying to hide who she was and she wanted to learn to feel comfortable with herself.

Her therapist explained the concept of masking and this explanation resonated with Jane.  She realized she had been pretending to be someone else her whole life because she was afraid people wouldn't like her. 

Her therapist worked with Jane by helping her to feel emotionally safe in therapy and they didn't start to process Jane's traumatic history until Jane felt prepared to do the work (see my article: Why Establishing Emotional Safety is Essential in Trauma Therapy).

When Jane was ready, she and her therapist used EMDR Therapy and Somatic Experiencing to help Jane to process her traumatic history.

The work wasn't quick or easy but, over time, Jane began to feel like herself. She no longer felt the need to pretend to be someone else. She gradually let her guard down and she realized that people liked her for who she really was and not who she was pretending to be. 

Even more important, Jane accepted herself for who she really was and she felt good about it.

How to Overcome Trauma-Related Masking

• Self Awareness: Self awareness is the first step to overcoming trauma-related masking (see my article: What is Self Reflective Awareness?).

Overcoming Trauma-Related Masking

• Self Compassion and Self Acceptance: Self compassion can be challenging due to shame, fear and guilt, but it's a necessary step on the way to healing trauma (see my article: Acceptance and Self Compassion).

• Trauma Therapy: Trauma-related masking is difficult to overcome on your own, so getting help in trauma therapy is an important part of healing.

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

Hiding behind a mask can be emotionally exhausting and lonely.

As mentioned earlier, you're not just emotionally disconnected from others, you become emotionally disconnected from yourself.

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

A skilled trauma therapist can help you to work through unresolved trauma so you no longer feel the need to mask your true self.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional to free yourself from your traumatic history and live a meaningful life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have over 20 years of experiencing helping individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

What is the Connection Between Emotional Vulnerability and Shame?

In a recent article, Learning to Embrace Your Emotional Vulnerability, I discussed shame and how it often develops due to a variety of causes in early childhood.

Emotional Vulnerability and Shame

In the current article I'm discussing the connection between emotional vulnerability and shame.

What is Emotional Vulnerability?

As I mentioned in my prior article vulnerability is a strength--not a weakness.  This has been shown to be true in Brene Brown's research, as discussed in that article.

As a recap:

Being emotionally vulnerable means being willing to expose yourself to potential emotional risk.  

Emotional risk might include exposing yourself to the possibility of:

• Criticism
• Rejection
• Emotional pain

Being emotionally vulnerable means:

• Understanding vulnerability is not a weakness
• Being open and honest
• Sharing your feelings 
• Expressing your needs
• Showing others your true self even the so-called "imperfect" parts of yourself
• Developing authentic connections

What is the Connection Between Emotional Vulnerability and Shame?

Emotional vulnerability and shame are closely related:

• Shame as a Barrier to Emotional Vulnerability: People are often fearful of being emotionally vulnerable because they fear being seen as flawed or deficient in some way.  This can lead them hiding their emotional vulnerability so they won't be judged, criticized or rejected.  The problem is that when someone hides their emotional vulnerability, this type of hiding can reinforce shame, so this becomes a cycle (see my article: How Does Shame Develop at an Early Age?).

Emotional Vulnerability and Shame

• Vulnerability as a Trigger For Shame: Vulnerability can be a trigger for shame because when people are vulnerable, they're exposed to the possibility of being judged, criticized or rejected.  This often occurs when people have a history of having internalized negative messages about themselves or they have a traumatic history of being criticized or rejected (see my article: Overcoming Fear That People Won't Like You If They Knew the "Real You").

• Vulnerability as a Pathway to Healing Shame: By learning to embrace emotional vulnerability, people can learn to heal from shame. By acknowledging vulnerabilities and imperfections to a trustworthy and caring person, individuals can show their authentic self and break free of the silence and secrecy that generate shame. 

• Empathy as an Antidote to Shame: Empathy can be a powerful antidote to shame. When people can share their emotional vulnerabilities with trusted loved ones, they create an environment where others can can feel safe sharing their vulnerability. 

Getting Help in Therapy

Fear of being emotionally vulnerable combined with shame is a common problem.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you have been unable to overcome your fear of vulnerability and shame, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed psychotherapist so you can embrace your vulnerability and lead a more meaningful life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I have over 20 years of experience helping individual adults and couples (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

 

Learning to Embrace Your Emotional Vulnerability

I have written about emotional vulnerability in prior articles, including Vulnerability as a Pathway to Greater Emotional Intimacy.

In the current article I'm discussing vulnerability as a strength and how to embrace vulnerability.

Why is Emotional Vulnerability Not a Weakness?

Many people feel some degree of discomfort when they reveal their emotional vulnerability in  their personal relationships. But, according to Brene Brown, researcher and motivational speaker, people who approach relationships in a wholehearted way know that vulnerability is essential to develop and maintain close relationships. 

Some people who struggle with emotional vulnerability believe vulnerability is a weakness. But, in fact, emotional vulnerability is not a weakness--it's a strength.

Emotional vulnerability shows courage and authenticity in intimate relationships.

Embracing Vulnerability

The wholehearted people in Brene Brown's research tended to take more emotional risks, even though they felt some degree of discomfort. Even though they knew they might be rejected, criticized or judged, they took risks because they felt being authentic and having meaningful relationships made the risk worthwhile. 

Embracing Emotional Vulnerability

Fear of being emotionally vulnerable is usually coupled with shame ,which is a topic I''ll discuss in my next article.

Vulnerability also means revealing your true self (see my article: Becoming Your True Self).

Being open, honest and revealing your true self, even when it's scary, helps to build stronger relationships. 

Embracing Emotional Vulnerability

Vulnerability creates the possibility for empathy, understanding and a stronger connection with the people you care about.

Reflecting on your feelings before you express them also helps you to develop self awareness and self reflective capacity.

In addition, being vulnerable by expressing your feelings provides an opportunity for loved ones to give you emotional support. 

Whereas holding in your feelings can create stress, expressing your feelings and getting support helps to reduce stress and stress-related health problems (see my article: Expressing Your Feelings in a Healthy Way)

Getting emotional support also helps to improve your overall well-being.

As you develop an increased capacity to be emotionally vulnerable, you increase your potential for personal growth and experiencing positive changes in your life.

How to Learn to Embrace Vulnerability

• Acknowledge Your Fears: Start by acknowledging to yourself what scares you about being emotionally vulnerable. Then, challenge your negative beliefs about vulnerability.

• Write in a Journal: Write in a journal to become more aware of your thoughts and feelings. This will also help you to express yourself with others (see my article: The Benefits of Journal Writing).

Embracing Emotional Vulnerability

• Practice Self Compassion: Treat yourself with the same kindness and compassion as you would with a close friend or loved one (see my article: Acceptance and Self Compassion).

• Practice Mindfulness: If you practice being present with your thoughts and feelings, you can become more self aware. Being present can also help you to deal with emotional vulnerability (see my article: The Mind-Body Connection: Mindfulness Meditation)

• Start Small: Start by journaling and talking to a trusted loved one about your thoughts and feelings. Being in a safe and private environment is also important.

• Acknowledge and Embrace Your Mistakes: Acknowledging and embracing your mistakes with self compassion takes strength and courage and can help you to develop a sense of comfort with being vulnerable (see my article: Overcome Your Fear of Making Mistakes).

• Acknowledge Your Strengths: Appreciating your strengths can build self confidence.

• Challenge Your Negative Beliefs: Challenge your fears about what others might think about you if you express your vulnerability.

• Get Help in Therapy: Seek help from a licensed mental health professional who has the necessary skills and expertise to help you embrace vulnerability if self help tips aren't enough.

Clinical Vignette: How to Embrace Emotional Vulnerability

The following clinical vignette is a composite of many cases to protect confidentiality:

Nina

Nina felt discouraged about ever being able to maintain a relationship.  Although she confided in her close friends, she had problems opening up in relationships (see my article: Fear of Being Emotionally Vulnerable in a Relationship).

Embracing Emotional Vulnerability

Her last three relationships ended after her partners told her they felt she was holding back emotionally. 

She realized she was too scared to open up emotionally in her relationships. She also felt that if any of her partners knew the "real Nina", they wouldn't like her (see my article: Overcoming Your Fear That People Won't Like the "Real You").

When she started therapy to overcome her problem with emotional vulnerability, she revealed to her therapist that her parents always told her that emotional vulnerability was a "weakness".

She told her therapist that, even though she knew how important being vulnerable is to developing and sustaining a relationship, she didn't know how to be vulnerable.

Her therapist acknowledged Nina's strength in recognizing she didn't know how to be vulnerable and in seeking help in therapy.

In addition to providing Nina with tools she could use on her own, like journaling and  mindfulness skills, her therapist, who was a trauma therapist, helped Nina to work through the negative beliefs about vulnerability she learned from her parents.

Her therapist used EMDR therapy, AEDP and Parts Work to work through the early childhood trauma and shame that made it difficult for Nina to show her emotional vulnerability.

When Nina started dating someone new that she really liked, her therapist helped her to practice showing emotional vulnerability by starting in small ways.

As she became more comfortable, over time, Nina was able to open up more. Her willingness to be vulnerable allowed this new person in her life to also open up.

Over time, they were able to build a strong foundation for a relationship.

Conclusion

Contrary to what many people believe, emotional vulnerability is a strength--not a weakness.

Even though most people feel some degree of discomfort with being emotionally vulnerable, people who overcome their discomfort are aware that showing vulnerability is essential to having an emotionally intimate relationship.

Even if you grew up with negative beliefs about vulnerability, you can overcome these negative beliefs.

Next Article: What is the Connection Between Emotional Vulnerability and Shame?

Getting Help in Therapy

If you have been unable to overcome your fear of vulnerability on your own, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who has expertise in this area.

Getting Help in Therapy

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help in therapy so you can be your authentic self and lead a more meaningful life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I have over 20 years of experience helping individual adults and couples (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How Does Shame Develop at an Early Age?

Shame often begins during early childhood due to parenting styles and early experiences (see my article: Shame is at the Root of Most Emotional Problems).

How Does Shame Develop at an Early Age?

There are a number of factors that influence the development of shame at an early age including:

• Parental demands for perfection

• Lack of parental warmth

• Harsh criticism

Harsh Criticism and Shame

• Physical, emotional and sexual abuse

• Emotional neglect
  

• Witnessing domestic violence

• Emotionally unstable parent(s)

• Unpredictable or unstable parenting

• Parents who abuse substances or engage in other impulsive or compulsive behavior

How Does Childhood Shame Show Up in Adulthood?

Children who grow up being shamed will grow up to be adults who experience shame, which can affect all their adult interactions, including romantic relationships, familial relationships and relationships with work colleagues.

Shame during childhood often leads to repeating unhealthy patterns in adulthood (see my article: Why Are Childhood Trauma and Shame Affecting You Now?).

Here are some of the ways that childhood shame show up in adulthood:

Self Sabotaging Behavior: 

• Aiming too low

• Settling for less

• Self abandonment including neglecting your own needs to please others (see my article: Fawning as a Trauma Response)

Shame and Self Abandonment

• Avoiding commitment which can include fear of rejection and feeling inadequate (see my article: An Emotional Dilemma: Wanting and Dreading Love)

• Pushing away or distancing yourself from a romantic partner because you believe you're not good enough

• Perfectionism including striving for unrealistic and unattainable goals which adds to your feelings of inadequacy

• Decreased self care including neglecting your own needs which can have a negative impact on your mental and physical health

Sabotaging Relationships:

• Ignoring red flags in a relationship including dismissing early warning signs of an unhealthy relationship (see my article: Letting Go of Unhealthy Relationships)

• Shaming, controlling or domineering behavior to manipulate your partner and take the focus away from your own insecurities

Shaming, Controlling and Domineering Behavior

• Creating negative narratives including interpreting your partner's actions as a form of  rejection or disapproval--even when these actions are not

• Withholding feelings including avoiding vulnerability and conflict by withholding by emotions

Impact on Emotional Connection and Intimacy

• Problems relating to others because shame makes it difficult to develop and maintain healthy relationships (see my article: Overcoming Sexual Shame and Guilt Due to Cultural Issues)

Shame in Relationships

• Difficulty with vulnerability including fear of rejection or criticism which can make it difficult to open up to be emotionally vulnerable

• Fear of rejection due to shame which can lead to self sabotaging behavior and emotional distancing

• Difficulty with forgiveness due to shame can make it difficult to forgive yourself or your partner, which is an obstacle to feeling good about yourself and problems with relationship repair (see my articles: Learning to Forgive Yourself and The Psychological Stages of Forgiveness)

Getting Help in Therapy

Shame is a complex emotion which can be very challenging to overcome on your own (see my article: Overcoming Shame in Therapy).

Getting Help in Therapy to Overcome Shame

If you can relate to the signs mentioned in this article, you owe it to yourself to get help in trauma therapy.

A skilled trauma therapist can help you to overcome the debilitating effect of shame so you can lead a more fulfilling life.

Also See My Other Articles About Shame:

How to Overcome Shame Spiraling

Clients Struggling With Shame Can Leave Therapy Prematurely

What is the Difference Between Toxic Shame and Healthy Shame?

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I have over 20 years of experience helping individual adults and couples (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, lCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at 917-742-2624 during business hours or email me.