What is Transference in Relationships?

I discussed the topic of transference in prior articles as it relates to psychotherapy (see the list of articles at the end of this article).

In the current article, I'm focusing on transference in relationships.

Aside from the transference that clients experience in therapy, transference can also occur in everyday relationships, especially romantic relationships.

Transference in Relationships

In general, transference occurs on an unconscious level when you redirect feelings, attitudes and behavior from the past onto a person in your current life. These can be both positive and negative feelings.

Transference can cause you to react to someone in your current life as if they were someone from your past.  Transference tends to happen more in intimate relationships.

This often leads to misunderstandings in your relationship and emotional responses that don't belong to the present relationship.  This usually occurs because you have unresolved issues from the past that get played out in your relationship.

One of the keys to having healthier relationships is to recognize and understand when you're transferring these feelings and attitudes from the past into your present circumstances (see my article: Learning to Separate Then From Now).

What Does Transference Look Like in Relationships?

• Redirecting Feelings: You redirect feelings from the past onto your current partner. 

• Unconscious Behavior: When you redirect feelings from the past onto your partner, this happens on an unconscious level. For instance, let's say you grew up with a critical father when you were a child and, now that you're an adult, your partner tries to be supportive by making a suggestion about how you can do something in a better way. If you're experiencing transference for your partner, you could hear their suggestion as being critical when it's not. If so, you could experience unexplained anxiety, anger or resentment towards your partner--similar to what you felt towards your critical father. You might get confused about your feelings in the current circumstances because the trigger is outside of your awareness (see my article: Coping With Triggers).

Transference in Relationships

• Replaying Old Patterns: You can replay old patterns from the past in your current relationship and, over time, this leads to unhealthy dynamics between you and your partner.

• Intense Reactions: As mentioned above, reacting to your partner as if they were someone from your past can lead to disproportionate reactions in your current relationship (see my article: Reacting to the Present Based on Your Past).

How Can You Manage Transference in Your Current Relationship?

• Develop Awareness: Notice when your reactions seem out of proportion to the situation. Ask yourself:
• Why am I having such a strong reaction to my partner when they're trying to be supportive?
• Have I felt this way before?
• When have I felt this way before?
• What was happening in that past situation?
• How do these feelings from the past remain unresolved for me?

• Be Aware of the Differences Between the Past and the Present: Be aware of how your partner is different from the person in your past. This is often easier said than done when you're trying to do it on your own (see my article: Making the Unconscious Conscious).

• Separate the Past From the Present: Make an effort to separate your past self from your present self. For instance, recognize that you're no longer a child struggling with this issue when you experienced it in the past. Also, separate your partner as an individual from the person you reacted to in the past. 

Transference in Relationships

• Communicate: Once you realize you reacted to your partner as if they were someone from the past, communicate this openly to your partner. This can help your partner to understand why you had such a strong reaction towards them. It can also help you to express your feelings under the current situation (as opposed to the past). You can also get clarification from your partner as to what they were actually trying to communicate to you as opposed to what you thought they were saying.

• Seek Help in Therapy: A licensed mental health professional, who is a trauma therapist, can help you to explore the origins of these feelings, learn how to cope with them and, ultimately, learn how to work through whatever unresolved traumatic feelings you have from the past (see my article: Working Through Unsolved Trauma From the Past So It No Longer Affects You in the Present).

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette is a composite of many different cases with all identifying information changed to protect confidentiality:

Jim

Jim and his wife, Tina, usually got along well. But whenever Jim heard Tina telling him how he could be more organized, no matter how kind and supportive she tried to say it, Jim experienced her comments as critical and he reacted angrily.

Transference in Relationships

Immediately after he reacted, he realized his reaction was out of proportion to what Tina was saying to him and he felt confused, guilty and ashamed. Then, he would apologize to Tina and tell her, "I'm sorry. I don't know what came over me. I realize now you're trying to be supportive, but when you said it, I got angry."

Tina usually accepted Jim's apology, but after this occurred several times, she suggested he get help in therapy because she was fed up with his reactions. 

She told him, "I'm afraid to make any kind of suggestion to you, but now that you're calm again, I think you should get help in therapy because you keep having these big reactions and I'm getting fed up."

Jim realized that, even though he felt regret and remorse for overreacting, if he continued to react this way towards Tina, she might leave him. So, he obtained a referral from his primary care physician for psychotherapy.

Jim's doctor referred him to a trauma specialist.

After getting a thorough family history, the trauma therapist helped Jim to realize his reaction belonged to unresolved issues with his father. She told him he was reacting to Tina as if she was his critical father.

Jim told his therapist that his father had a hair trigger temper and whenever Jim made a mistake as a child, instead of trying to be supportive and helpful, his father would lose his temper and criticize Jim.

Jim recalled that, over the course of his childhood, his father yelled at him many times for small mistakes. His father also humiliated him in front of his friends and other family members which left Jim feeling ashamed, angry and upset.

Since Jim's father died, it was no longer possible for Jim to work out these issues with him. But Jim also knew that even if his father was still alive, his father wouldn't have been open to talking about it.

Over time, Jim's therapist helped him to work through his unresolved feelings from the past using EMDR and Parts Work Therapy. 

The work was neither quick nor easy, but Jim stuck with it because he wanted to save his marriage and he didn't want to continue to reacting in the present based on unresolved issues from the past.

As Jim learned to be aware of the present versus the past and to communicate better with Tina, their relationship improved.

By the time he completed trauma therapy, Jim felt relieved to no longer being carrying a burden from the past.

Conclusion

Transference occurs on an unconscious level when you redirect feelings, attitudes and behavior from the past to someone in your present life.

Transference can occur in any relationship including with your partner, a friend, a family member or your therapist.

Getting Help in Therapy

When you learn to distinguish your unconscious feelings in the present from your unresolved feelings from the past, you can develop a more conscious awareness of what's happening to you.

Although you might realize after you react that you're really reacting to some unresolved issue from the past, your awareness might not be enough to keep you from continually reacting this way.

A licensed mental professional, who is trained to help clients to work through unresolved trauma is called a trauma therapist (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

A trauma therapist can help you to work through unresolved problems from the past so you're no longer getting triggered and overreacting with your partner.

Once you have worked through your unresolved problems, you can have a healthier relationship and live a more meaningful life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist

As a trauma therapist, I have helped many individual adults and couples to work through unresolved traumatic issues.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

My Other Articles About Transference:

What is Transference in Psychotherapy?

Psychotherapy and the Erotic Transference 

Boundary Violations in Therapy  

Psychotherapy and the Idealized Transference. 

What is Survivor Guilt in Family Dynamics?

Survivor guilt in family dynamics usually involves surviving one of the following when other family members have not:

• A traumatic incident
• A difficult or traumatic upbringing
• Achieving a better quality of life than other family members

Survivor Guilt 

Incidents such as the above often lead the "survivor" to feel a sense of remorse, guilt, worthlessness, undeserving as well as responsible for the fate of other family members who weren't as fortunate.

Survivor guilt is often irrational because these individuals usually weren't at fault for the other family members either not surviving or not doing as well as they did.

Key Aspects of Survival Guilt

• Traumatic Loss: A family member dies or suffers serious consequences and the person who experiences survival guilt did not. This might include:

• A car accident
• A natural disaster
• A medical problem

• Generational Trauma: Prior generations suffered under traumatic circumstances and the person who is from a younger generation, who didn't suffer, feels guilty for surviving or not having it "easier" than the previous generation (see my article: What is Intergenerational Trauma?):

• Family violence
• War
• Poverty and/or oppression
• Systemic violence
• Other atrocities, including the Holocaust and other forms of genocide

• Parental Guilt: A parent can experience survivor guilt that they passed on a gene to their child and the child has medical problems as a result. They can feel guilty even though they had no control over passing on this gene.

• Everyday Situations: If one family member achieves success while other family members are not as fortunate, the one who achieves success can feel guilty that they are fortunate while the others are not.  

How Does Survivor Guilt Manifest in Families?

Survival guilt can have a big impact on family relationships including:

• Social Withdrawal: The individual who has been more fortunate might isolate themselves from family activities as a way to avoid dealing with their guilt.

• Overprotectiveness: In order to avoid another loss, the individual who has been more fortunate might become overly protective of the other family members.

Survivor Guilt, Shame and Self Blame

• Shame and Self Blame: These individuals might dwell on how they could have done things differently to help family members--even if, objectively, there was nothing else they could have done (see my article: Self Blame and the Internal Critic).

• Difficulty Feeling Joy: They might believe they don't deserve to experience joy, happiness or success because they feel guilty that they are more fortunate than other family members.

• Atoning Behavior: In order to atone for their good fortune when other family members have suffered, these individuals might be overly giving so they can atone for their good fortune. This is another maladaptive coping strategy.

Clinical Vignettes

The following clinical vignettes are  composites of many different cases with all identifying information changed to protect confidentiality:

Alan

When Alan was 15, he and his 13 year old brother, Tom, went surfing at the beach during the off season, even though there were red flags posted warning swimmers to stay out of the water due to rough waves from a fast approaching hurricane. Since it was the off season, there were no lifeguards at the beach, but Alan and Tom had fun surfing under similar circumstances before, so they disregarded the warnings.  After a while, Alan took a break to rest on the shore and Tom stayed in the water.  After Alan dried himself off, he turned to call Tom to tell him to come out of the water, but Tom was nowhere to be seen. He jumped back into the water to try to find Tom to no avail and he became frantic. When a police car approached, they called a rescue team who found Tom's lifeless body an hour later. Alan was devastated with sadness and guilt. No one in the family blamed him for Tom's death, but as Tom's older brother, Alan felt responsible. His shame and self blame was so great that he became overly protective of his other younger siblings. Later on in life, he felt guilty that he had career success because Tom never had this opportunity. Alan often engaged in self sabotage and self destructive behavior including excessive drinking. One day his doctor warned him about the connection between excessive drinking and his high blood pressure. Then, he providing Alan with a referral for trauma therapy (see my article: How Can Trauma Therapy Help You to Overcome Unresolved Trauma?).

Linda

Even though her grandmother never discussed her experiences during the holocaust, Linda knew her grandmother spent time as a young child in a concentration camp in Poland. By the time Linda was born, her grandmother was doing well financially, but she lived like she was poor. Specifically, the grandmother hoarded food because she feared anything could happen where she might not have enough to eat. In addition, when she ate, the grandmother always ate sparingly and saved scraps of food for another day. As a result both Linda and her mother surmised that, as a child, the grandmother probably had very little to eat in the Treblinka concentration camp and now, as an adult, she was always afraid food would become scarce again. The impact on Linda was that she couldn't enjoy food in her grandmother's presence--even foods she normally enjoyed.  Her mother had a similar problem. As time went on, Linda realized she had a problem and she sought help in trauma therapy to prevent her problem from getting worse.

Sara

When she was a child, Sara heard many stories from her father about his family's severe poverty when he waa a child. Her father told her there were many days he and his siblings had nothing to eat. Even though they were hungry, they would tell their parents they weren't because they didn't want their parents to feel bad. Although Sara's parents were doing well financially by the time she was born, she always felt guilty whenever they bought her a gift or new clothes. She felt she didn't deserve to have more than her father had when he was a child. Later on in life when Sara had a successful career, she felt that no matter how much she tried to do for her parents, especially her father, she couldn't do enough. She felt guilty about her financial success and, as a way to assuage her guilt, she bought her parents many gifts--even though they told her they didn't need them.  One day her mother took Sara aside during a family gathering and told Sara she understood why she was buying them so many gifts but, she said, no matter how many gifts she bought them, she couldn't undo her father's childhood poverty. She told Sara that both she and the father wanted her to enjoy her life and they could see how guilt was eating away at her. She suggested Sara get help from a licensed mental health professional who did trauma therapy.

How Can Trauma Therapy Help With Survivor Guilt?

Trauma therapy is an umbrella term that include following types of therapy:

• EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing)

Survivor Guilt and Trauma Therapy

• Somatic Experiencing

• Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy)

• AEDP (Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Therapy)

These therapies were developed specifically to help clients to overcome trauma by:

• Processing the Trauma: To work through the trauma in a safe and structured way

• Developing Self Compassion: Helping clients to give themselves compassion to heal

Survivor Guilt and Self Compassion

• Challenging Negative Beliefs: To identity and challenge negative beliefs

• Developing Genuinely Positive Beliefs: Beliefs that are sincere and realistic about  themselves and others

• Grieving Losses: Grieving what has been lost is essential to healing from trauma (see my article: The Many Layers of Grief).

• Finding a New Purpose: Honoring their losses and channeling their guilt into meaningful behavior like volunteering

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

If you are struggling with unresolved problems, you're not alone. Help is available.

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who is trained as a trauma therapist.

Overcoming unresolved trauma can help you to live a more meaningful life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing, Parts Work Therapist (IFS and Ego States Therapy) and Certified Sex Therapist.

As a trauma therapist, I have helped many individual adults and couples to heal.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Coping With Separation Guilt as an Adult in a Traditional Family

Family loyalty is important in most families and it usually works best when there is flexibility for individuals to be loyal family members at the same time that there room for individual autonomy and personal growth (see my article: Being the Different One in Your Family).

Separation Guilt in a Traditional Family

Family loyalty usually includes:

• Being faithful and supportive of family members
• Being committed and trustworthy regarding family members
• Being emotionally present to offer support and encouragement during good times and bad
• Providing mutual support through life's challenges and successes
• Maintaining a shared identity

In addition to the above, a modern interpretation of family loyalty also includes:

• Challenging blind loyalty
• Setting healthy boundaries
• Prioritizing love over obligation (shifting from loyalty based on obligation to loyalty based on love, respect and mutual understanding)
• Encouraging personal growth (supporting each other's individual growth rather than demanding conformity)

Coping With Separation Guilt as an Adult in a Highly Traditional Family

Separation guilt is a psychological burden which occurs when individuals defy family expectations (see my article: Freeing Yourself From Family Expectations).

Separation Guilt in a Traditional Family

Defying family expectations is usually perceived by the family as being disloyal.

Key aspects of separation guilt for adult children can include:

• Breaching family expectations
• Perceived disloyalty to the family
• Emotional manipulation by family members (either consciously or unconsciously)
• Conflict with internalized beliefs 
• Fear and anxiety about being an individual in a family that expects conformity
• Fear of being ostracized from the family

This often leads to internalized conflict for individuals who prioritize their emotional and psychological well-being over family expectations.

In highly traditional families where family loyalty is prioritized over individual needs, family expectations can be spoken or unspoken and these expectations often include:

• Family obligations over individual independence, autonomy and personal growth
• A high degree of interdependence among family members where personal boundaries are blurred
• Conformity to established beliefs, traditions and values without question or deviation

How to Cope With Separation Guilt in a Highly Traditional Family

Coping with separation guilt can be very challenging.

Every situation will be different, but here are some tips that can be helpful:

• Identify and Acknowledge Your Feelings: Rather than suppressing your feelings, allow yourself to identify and acknowledge your feelings without judging them. This can include guilt, sadness, anxiety and shame.

• Explore the Root Cause of Your Guilt: Understand that feeling guilty doesn't mean you're wrong.  Assess the specific situation and the family traditions or beliefs that are causing the conflict within yourself.

• Recognize the Difference Between Guilt and Shame: Guilt is about a specific action and shame is about a more pervasive feeling about who you are as a person (see my article: What is the Difference Between Guilt and Shame?). Writing in a journal to clarify your thoughts and feelings can be helpful.

Separation Guilt in a Traditional Family

• Set Clear Boundaries: If you have decided to pursue a particular course of action that conflicts with your family's traditions and you know it is what is best for your own emotional and psychological well-being, recognize that this isn't a betrayal to your family--even though they might think it is. Clearly and respectfully communicate your needs to your family. Set clear boundaries with family members to protect your well-being (see my article: Setting Healthy Boundaries in an Enmeshed Family).

• Focus on Your Life: Focus on building a life that affirms your values and needs. Set new personal goals and spend time with people who are supportive.

• Find Emotional Support: Connect with supportive loved ones and/or join a support group for people in similar situations.

• Seek Professional Help: If you're having difficulty coping with separation guilt, consider working with a licensed mental health professional who can help you to navigate complex family dynamics.

Clinical Vignettes

The following examples of separation guilt are composites of many different cases:

• The Family Business: When Tom graduated college, he decided to pursue a career outside of the family business. Prior to making this decision, his highly traditional parents expected Tom to join the family business after graduation. When Tom told his parents about his decision, they were stunned. His father inherited the business from his father and grandfather. He was very disappointed because he expected Tom to take over one day and continue the family tradition. If Tom didn't join the family business, the business would have to be sold after the father retired. Although Tom felt anxious and sad about disappointing his parents, he knew he needed to follow his own path rather than conform to family expectations. Even though he felt separation guilt, Tom focused on his personal needs and goals with the support of friends and other family members. After a few rough years, Tom's parents conceded that he needed to follow his own dreams and they were able to reconcile.

• Religious Conversion: Ann was raised in a highly religious family. When she was a child, she adhered to her family's religious beliefs, but when she turned 21 and she was no longer living with her family, she questioned that religion. She also explored the possibility of other religions and discovered she liked Buddhism. When she spoke with her family about it, they were very upset. They couldn't believe she would abandon the family religion after all the sacrifices the family made to come to the United States for religious freedom. They were so upset that they refused to speak with her. Ann had never gone against her family and the estrangement caused her significant separation guilt. After she invited them to a few family therapy sessions, she was shocked that they forgave her. Although her family still wasn't happy that she wasn't practicing their religion, they agreed she was an adult, she could make her own decisions and they welcomed her back into the family.

• Racism: Jake was aware that his family was racist, but he hoped that once they met his girlfriend, Tania, they would grow to know and love her. He wasn't prepared for their anger and upset when they told him they didn't even want to meet her. Over time, they remained adamant and they refused to come to Jack and Tania's wedding. They told him that no one in their family had ever married anyone from a different race and they were appalled. On his wedding day, Jake had a heavy feeling in his heart because his family wasn't there, but he loved Tania and he wouldn't let his family stop him from marrying her. Two years later, his father had a massive heart attack. Although he survived, the heart attack took its toll. When Jake's sister called him, he and Tania went to the hospital to visit the father who was in a weakened state. When he saw Jake, he looked happy and he even extended his hand to Tania. He told Jake and Tania he was a foolish old man and it took a heart attack to make him realize he wanted them back in his life.

• Homophobia: Ben knew from the time he was a young boy that he was gay, but while he lived at home he kept his homosexuality a secret, which was painful for him. When he went away to college, he met the young man who became his life partner, Nick. For the year, Ben kept his relationship a secret from the family. During the holidays, Ben and Nick went home to each of their families, but the secret they were keeping was taking a toll on them. Two years into their relationship, Ben and Nick decided that it was more painful to keep their relationship a secret than it was to come out to each of their families. Nick knew his family would be accepting so when he came out to them and introduced them to Ben, they were warm and welcoming. Ben's family was a different story. They were very traditional and very conservative. He came out to his older brother first because he knew it would be easier. Although his brother was surprised, he told Ben he would always love him. But when Ben told his parents, they were very upset. His father told him to leave the family home and never come back. Although this was hurtful for Ben, he knew he was being true to himself and to Nick. Several years went by before Ben's brother was able to act as a go-between to try to bring about a reconciliation. By then, his parents had missed Ben a lot and their stance had softened somewhat. To help them understand his homosexuality, Ben gave them information about PFLAG, an organization for families of gay adult children and they began attending meetings. With the support of PFLAG, they decided they didn't want to be estranged from their son, so they invited Ben and Nick to a family dinner. Ben's father struggled to understand Ben's homosexuality and to accept his gay relationship, but he realized he loved his son and he didn't want to shun him anymore (see my article: Famly Estrangements Due to Homophobia, Biphobia and Transphobia).

Conclusion

Separation guilt often occurs when a family member defies family traditions and the family considers this to be disloyal.

The individual who experiences separation guilt might know logically that they are making the right personal decision for their own growth and happiness, but they can still feel guilty and ashamed for going against a family tradition.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you're experiencing separation guilt, you could use the support of a licensed mental health professional to help you to get through a difficult time.

Getting Help in Therapy

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to develop the tools and strategies to get through this difficult time.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help in psychotherapy so you can live a more meaningful and fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Parts Work (IFS and Ego States therapy), EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

 

How to Develop a Healthy Relationship to Joy and Pleasure

Developing a healthy relationship to joy and pleasure can be challenging for many people for a variety of reasons which will be discussed in this article.

Developing a Healthy Relationship to Joy and Pleasure

What Does It Mean to Have an Unhealthy Relationship to Joy and Pleasure?

Before we look at what it means to have a healthy relationship to joy and pleasure, let's take a look at what it means to have an unhealthy relationship.

An unhealthy relationship to joy and pleasure often involves seeking external validation and engaging in unsustainable or damaging behavior:

• Dependence and Compulsion includes:

• Intermittent Reinforcement: Unhealthy relationships often include intermittent reinforcement of intense pleasure which are used to tolerate ongoing toxic and or manipulative behavior creating a cycle of dependency.

• Chasing the "High": Compulsive seeking of intense short-term pleasure which can lead to shame, guilt and other negative consequences.

• Imbalance and Exploitation includes:
• Using Others For Pleasure while neglecting their wishes and boundaries

• A Tendency to Prioritize Pleasure While Neglecting Emotional Intimacy and Genuine Connection: There is a tendency to avoid emotional intimacy which results in superficial relationships. The pursuit of pleasure offers only a temporary boost in happiness which creates an ongoing cycle of this dynamic. This creates emotional distance, possibly emotional numbing, loneliness and difficulty expressing emotions and only short term or casual relationships.

• Imposing Control and Having a Sense of Entitlement: Feeling entitled to pleasure without respecting a partner's wishes or boundaries

• Feeling Guilt and Shame: Guilt and shame get in the way of experiencing joy and pleasure

What Does It Mean to Develop a Healthy Relationship to Joy and Pleasure?

Developing a healthy relationship to joy and pleasure includes conscious practices including appreciation and presence:

• Practicing Mindfulness: Learning to savor joyous and pleasurable moments--no matter how small (see my article: The Mind-Body Connection and Mindfulness Meditation).

• Cultivating Gratitude: One way to cultivate gratitude is by keeping a gratitude journal.

• Making Meaningful Connections: Finding joy in helping others and investing in meaningful relationships rather than only seeking immediate gratification (see my article: Why Are Close Friendship Important?).

Developing a Healthy Relationship to Joy and Pleasure

• Celebrating Small Wins: Acknowledging wins, no matter how small, including a completed task or a delicious meal, which can reinforce your experience of pleasure (see my article: Celebrating Small Wins).

• Balancing Joy and Purpose: Recognizing that, rather than seeing joy as a fleeting state, it can also be a deep, more resilient state of being connected to your purpose and values. 

Developing a Healthy Relationship to Joy and Pleasure

• Developing Meaningful Connections With Others: Nurture connections rather than focusing on immediate gratification.

• Self Love and Self Care: Take responsibility for your own happiness. Prioritize your physical, emotional and psychological health.

• Emotional Resilience: Finding moments of happiness even during stressful times--not just in external circumstances (see my article: Developing Resilience).

Why Do Some People Struggle to Have a Healthy Relationship to Joy and Pleasure?

Many people feel guilty about allowing themselves to experience pleasure for various reasons including:

• Ingrained Cultural Beliefs About Joy and Pleasure: Many cultural beliefs link joy and pleasure to laziness, selfishness, and personal beliefs about feeling like they don't deserve to experience pleasure.

• Learned Beliefs: There might be learned beliefs from family history that links pleasure to selfishness and childishness, which makes the pursuit of pleasure seem wrong.

Developing a Healthy Relationship to Joy and Pleasure

• Guilt and Shame: For many people pleasure feels like a dereliction of their obligations and responsibilities which engenders guilt and shame (see my article: Overcoming Shame).

• Lack of Self Worth: Many people feel they are not worthy of experiencing pleasure because of their own traumatic history (see my article: Overcoming the Emotional Pain of Feeling Unlovable).

• Fear of Being Judged: Some people fear that if they experience pleasure, others will judge them for it, but it's often their own internal critic that is involved  (see my article: Overcoming the Internal Critic).

• Other Personal and Societal Reasons: A variety of other reasons both personal and societal

How Can People Overcome Shame and Guilt About Enjoying Pleasure and Joy?

Working on overcoming shame and guilt about enjoying pleasure and joy can be challenging.

• Start By Identifying the Root Cause: Ask yourself what might have contributed to your negative relationship with pleasure and joy. Is it related to cultural issues, familial messages or other sources?

Developing a Healthy Relationship to Joy and Pleasure

• Question the Story You're Telling Yourself: If you know the root of your problem, question your assumptions to see if they hold up in the light of day. Ask yourself what you would tell a loved one who struggled with this problem.

• Separate Self From Behavior: Move from self criticism to an objective assessment of your relationship with joy and pleasure.

• Seek Help in Therapy: If you have been unable to change a negative relationship with joy and pleasure, seek help in therapy.

Get Help in Therapy

An unhealthy relationship with pleasure and joy can be deeply rooted in your history and this problem can be difficult to overcome on your own. 

Getting Help in Therapy

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to overcome the obstacles that are getting in your way.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional so you can lead a more meaningful life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples and I have helped many clients to develop a healthy relationship to joy and pleasure.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

How Glimmers Can Give You a Sense of Ease, Safety and Joy

Discovering Your Happiness Triggers

Savoring Pleasure

Sexual Self Discovery and Pleasure Mapping

Keeping an Erotic Journal For Sexual Self Discovery

What is Trauma-Related Masking?

Masking is a trauma-related response where individuals hide their true personality, feelings or behavior and mimic others as a maladaptive coping strategy to present a false self.

Trauma-Related Masking

One of the problems with masking, which is also known as social camouflage, is that it creates a disconnect from an individual's true self or genuine self. 

Another problem is that it doesn't allow for genuine connections with others.

Why Causes Trauma Masking?

Childhood trauma can create deeply rooted feelings of:

• Fear
• Shame
  
• Guilt
• A sense of being unworthy or being unlovable

Masking these and other feelings temporarily helps individuals to deal with social situations where they feel too much stress and anxiety to be themselves. 

What Does Masking Look Like?

Masking can include some or all of the following:

• Suppressing feelings
• Hiding aspects of one's personality
• Trying to mimic other people to act in a way that they think is acceptable to others

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many cases, illustrates how an individual with a traumatic history uses masking and how trauma therapy can help.

Jane

When Jane left her parents' home to go to college, she felt anxious about meeting new people in college.

Throughout elementary school, middle school and junior high school, Jane only had one or two friends who made an effort to befriend her. She never invited any of these friends home because her father was usually drunk and her mother was depressed so Jane felt too ashamed to allow anyone into her home.

When she met her roommates at college, Jane felt too self conscious to allow her guard down so she tried to imitate their way of speaking and behaving because she believed this is what she had to do to be accepted.

Trauma-Related Masking

Then, one day one of the roommates, Rita, told Jane she realized that Jane was uncomfortable. She told Jane she wanted to have a genuine friendship with her, but she felt Jane wasn't being herself and she encouraged her to be herself.

At first, Jane pretended she didn't know what Rita was talking about. But a couple of weeks later, Jane confided in Rita that she had been pretending and she felt disconnected from herself for so long that she wasn't even sure who she was anymore. 

Soon after that Jane decided to see one of the counselors in the student counseling unit and the counselor was able to help Jane to cope with her anxiety and shame.  She also helped Jane to get help from a trauma therapist off campus.

The trauma therapist got a detailed family history from Jane and asked her about her goals for therapy. Jane told her that she was tired of trying to hide who she was and she wanted to learn to feel comfortable with herself.

Her therapist explained the concept of masking and this explanation resonated with Jane.  She realized she had been pretending to be someone else her whole life because she was afraid people wouldn't like her. 

Her therapist worked with Jane by helping her to feel emotionally safe in therapy and they didn't start to process Jane's traumatic history until Jane felt prepared to do the work (see my article: Why Establishing Emotional Safety is Essential in Trauma Therapy).

When Jane was ready, she and her therapist used EMDR Therapy and Somatic Experiencing to help Jane to process her traumatic history.

The work wasn't quick or easy but, over time, Jane began to feel like herself. She no longer felt the need to pretend to be someone else. She gradually let her guard down and she realized that people liked her for who she really was and not who she was pretending to be. 

Even more important, Jane accepted herself for who she really was and she felt good about it.

How to Overcome Trauma-Related Masking

• Self Awareness: Self awareness is the first step to overcoming trauma-related masking (see my article: What is Self Reflective Awareness?).

Overcoming Trauma-Related Masking

• Self Compassion and Self Acceptance: Self compassion can be challenging due to shame, fear and guilt, but it's a necessary step on the way to healing trauma (see my article: Acceptance and Self Compassion).

• Trauma Therapy: Trauma-related masking is difficult to overcome on your own, so getting help in trauma therapy is an important part of healing.

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

Hiding behind a mask can be emotionally exhausting and lonely.

As mentioned earlier, you're not just emotionally disconnected from others, you become emotionally disconnected from yourself.

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

A skilled trauma therapist can help you to work through unresolved trauma so you no longer feel the need to mask your true self.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional to free yourself from your traumatic history and live a meaningful life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have over 20 years of experiencing helping individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.