To Improve Intimacy in Your Relationship, Get Off the Sexual Staircase

This article was revised on September 14, 2026.

In their book, Desire - An Inclusive Guide to Navigating Libido Differences in Relationships, Lauren Fogel Mersey, PsyD and Jennifer A. Vencill, PhD., discuss the "Sexual Staircase" to describe the kind of routine, goal-oriented sex that people engage in when they're having sex with their partner (see my article: Understanding Your Sex Script).

What is the Sexual Staircase?

According to Mersey and Vencill, the Sexual Staircase, which is a metaphor, is how most people think sex is "supposed to be."

Improve Intimacy in Your Relationship

The Sexual Staircase is a list of hierarchical steps that usually start at the bottom of the staircase with foreplay and ends with sexual intercourse and orgasm.

Depending upon the couple, the sexual acts between foreplay and intercourse can include kissing, caressing, genital touch, oral sex, and so on.

For many people in long term relationships these steps don't deviate. They engage in the same steps in the same way most or all of the time.  

After a while, people in long term relationships often skip some of the steps as they prioritize a goal-oriented approach that always ends with penetrative sex and strives for orgasm.  

Having sex the same way all the time becomes boring after a while (see my article: What is Sexual Boredom in Long Term Relationships?).

What's the Problem With the Sexual Staircase?

If you and your partner enjoy doing the same thing, the same way all of the time and neither of you have a problem with it, then there's nothing wrong with the Sexual Staircase for you.

But many people find this approach to be too routine and unfulfilling.  The problem is that they think this is the way they're supposed to do it, so they just keep doing it the same way.

People who find the Sexual Staircase boring, sexually unfulfilling or not applicable to them often have the following problems with it:

• It's a heteronormative sex script that focuses on cisgender heterosexual men. For heterosexual men, sexual intercourse is one of the most reliable ways to have an orgasm, but this isn't the case for most women (see below).

• It assumes that most people want penis-in-vagina sex even though there are many people who don't want it or it doesn't work for them because of problems with dyspareunia (persistent or recurrent genital pain that occurs during penetrative sex) or erectile unpredictability (a persistent or recurrent problem with getting and maintaining an erect penis) or because they're not heterosexual (see below).

• Sexual intercourse is the least reliable way for most women to have orgasms because they need direct clitoral stimulation, which they often don't get from sexual intercourse or clitoral stimulation is skipped altogether (see my articles: Closing the Orgasm Gap - Part 1 and Part 2).

• The Sexual Staircase emphasizes goal-oriented, performative sex instead of focusing on sexual pleasure (see my article: What is Performative Sex and Why Is It a Problem?).

• In many long term relationships, the Sexual Staircase gets shorter and shorter over time so that there is little or no foreplay, which has a negative impact of women's sexual pleasure. The focus becomes getting sex over and done with it as quickly as possible because it's unsatisfying.

• In addition to problems with painful sex and erectile unpredictability, penetrative sex isn't always possible for a variety of reasons, including childbirth, certain disabilities, age-related physical limitations, surgery or other types of problems.

• When penetrative sex isn't possible (for whatever reason), many couples skip having sex altogether because penetrative sex is the only way they know how to have sex.  Over time, one or both of them become frustrated and dissatisfied.

• The heteronormativity of this model isn't useful for LGBTQ people, as previously mentioned. Many LGBTQ people assume that since they're not having penis-in-vagina sex, they're not having "real sex," which, of course, is false.  This often leads to feelings of shame, guilt and self consciousness about their sexual orientation.

The Wheel Model

The authors of Desire cite the Wheel Model, which was inspired by Robert T. Francoeur in his book, Becoming a Sexual Person (1991).

Picture a wheel that's divided into different sections with sexual activities represented in a non-hierarchical way.  

Rather than the linear, hierarchical model represented in the Sexual Staircase, in the Wheel Model none of the sexual activities has a higher priority over any of the others.  Other than sexual pleasure, there are no goals, which usually means less pressure for both people and more enjoyment.

In addition, with the Wheel Model, people can engage flexibly pick and choose what they like, in whatever order they like without being constrained to the rigid model of the Sexual Staircase.

The authors provide an example of what sexual activities might be included in the Wheel Model:

• Kissing
• Caressing
• Touching
• Massaging
• Using a sex toy
• Showering together
• Cuddling
• Oral sex
• Orgasm
• Penetrative sex
• Manual stimulation

And more.

The sexual activities included with the Wheel Model are only limited by your imagination.

But this is not to say that you and your partner should engage in the activities they write about or that you should stop having sexual intercourse if it's enjoyable to both of you.  You can do whatever you both enjoy.

The Wheel Model helps to dispel the myth that there's one right way to have sex or that everyone should have the same predetermined sex script.  

Making Changes to Your Sex Script

Once again, I want to reiterate that if you and your partner are happy with your sex script, you can continue using it without a problem.

But if you're stuck in a routine and you're getting tired of doing the same thing over and over again, consider how you can work towards making changes in your sex script (see my article: Changing Your Sex Script).

As Emily Nagoski, PhD., sex educator and author of the book, Come As You Are, says, "Pleasure is the measure."

This means "good sex" is what's pleasurable for both of you.

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

A skilled sex therapist can help you to overcome sexual problems.

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy where the focus is on sex and relational problems getting in the way of sexual enjoyment (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

Individuals and couples seek help in sex therapy for a variety of reasons (see my article: What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?).

There is no nudity, physical exam or sex during sex therapy sessions (see my article: What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?)

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help in sex therapy so you can lead a more fulfilling life.

Contact & Consultation Information

I see clients online throughout New York State and in person at my private office in Greenwich Village, New York, NY 10011.

I offer a free 15-minute introductory phone call before scheduling your initial appointment.

• Website: Visit Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist to learn more about my practice.

• Email: Reach out confidentially via email at josephineferraro@iCloud.com.

• Phone: Call me directly at (917) 742-2624 during standard business hours.

 

Relationships: How Toxic Shame Makes Communication Challenging

Toxic shame can make communication very challenging in a relationship, so I'm exploring this issue and providing tips on how you can deal with this toxic shame.

What is Toxic Shame?

Before we delve into communication issues, let's start by defining toxic shame.

Toxic Shame in Relationships

Toxic shame is different from healthy shame.

Whereas healthy shame is usually a passing, situational emotion, toxic shame is a chronic, deep-seated belief of being unworthy, unlovable, flawed or bad (see my article: What is the Difference Between Healthy Shame and Toxic Shame?).

• Internalization: Toxic shame is an internalized experience--usually internalized during childhood. It affects your identity ("I am bad" or "I am unlovable" or "I am stupid"). Healthy shame isn't about your identity--it's about your behavior ("I did something bad" or "I said something wrong").

• Duration: Toxic shame is chronic and pervasive and healthy shame is temporary and dissipates after a while.

• Purpose: While healthy shame motivates positive change, moral development and repairing relationships, toxic shame causes "emotional paralysis", defensiveness, self sabotage and social withdrawal.

• Origin: Toxic shame usually develops in childhood due to abuse, emotional neglect, severe criticism or other types of trauma. Toxic shame creates a belief that love must be "earned" (e.g., good grades in school and in other performative ways).

• Impact: Toxic shame often leads to perfectionism in an attempt to hide "the broken self", people-pleasing or severe anxiety (see my article: Overcoming Perfectionism).

How Does Toxic Shame Create Communication Problems?

Toxic shame creates deep insecurity which makes it challenging to communicate.

Here are the main communication issues related to toxic shame:

• Defensiveness: Toxic shame makes individuals highly sensitive to perceived criticism. This can create a situation where even neutral comments can be heard as personal insults, which leads to defensiveness.

Toxic Shame in Relationships

• Distorted Perception: Toxic shame acts like a filter. This can make it difficult for individuals to accept love or believe they are worthy, which causes them to misunderstand or ignore their partner's positive expressions of affection.

• Emotional Withdrawing and Stonewalling: Toxic shame causes individuals to protect themselves from vulnerability by shutting down, withdrawing emotionally and/or physically, which can cause the other partner to feel lonely and abandoned (see my article: Are You a Stonewaller?).

• Anger and Aggression: Toxic shame can manifest as anger or aggression where one partner responds to vulnerability or conflict by lashing out, blaming or engaging in contemptuous behavior to deflect from feelings of inadequacy.

Toxic Shame and Perfectionism

• Perfectionism and Masking: An intense feeling of being "found out" as being inadequate can lead to hiding true feelings, maintaining a "perfect" facade and avoiding honest and open conversations about fears and insecurities.

How to Communicate With a Partner Who Has Toxic Shame

Julie Menanno, LMFT, an Emotionally Focused Therapist for couples discusses communication problems in her book, Secure Love.

As Ms. Menanno indicates, communicating with a partner who has toxic shame requires a "safe space" (see my article: Creating a Safe Haven For Each Other).

Here are some suggestions that can be helpful if you have a partner who experiences toxic shame:

• Validate Before Solving: Listen to your partner's emotional experience first without immediately jumping into a problem solving mode. Recognize that your partner might be acting out of toxic shame and pressure, so try not to take their words personally (see my article: What is Validation and Why Is It Such a Powerful Relationship Skill?).

• Use "I" Statements: Use "I" statements to express your feelings to avoid putting your partner on the defensive. An example would be: "I feel lonely when we don't talk for a few days" instead of "You always ignore me".

Teamwork in a Relationship

• Work Together on the Problem as a Team: Instead of attacking your partner, attack the problem together. Instead of saying "You did this wrong", say "I know this is a tough situation for both of us." Approach the problem in the spirit of teamwork to deal with it.

• Provide Reassurance: Since toxic shame can make your partner feel unworthy, remind your partner of your love and commitment.  

• Create Safe Openings: If your partner shuts down, create a safe opening by saying, "I notice you're distant. I care about you and I want to understand."

• Avoid "Why" Questions: Why questions like "Why did you do that?" can sound accusatory and trigger defensive reactions.

• Take Breaks: If the conversation gets too heated, take a short break and come back to it when you're both calmer (see my article: Breaking the Negative Cycle in Your Relationship).

• Prioritize Your Own Safety: If your partner is causing you harm, it's important to prioritize your own safety. Don't isolate. Talk to trusted loved ones and get support.

Getting Help in EFT Couples Therapy

If you and your partner have been unable to resolve problems between you, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who is an EFT couples therapist (see my article: What is Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples?.)

Getting Help in EFT Couples Therapy

Rather than struggling on your own, seek professional help so you can have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Emotionally Focused Therapist (EFT) for Couples, Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have over 25 years of experience helping individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

 

Getting Your Emotional Needs Met in Your Relationship

In Julie Mennano's book, Secure Love, she discusses how couples attempt to get their attachment needs met based on their attachment styles.

Getting Your Attachment Needs Met

How Are Attachment Styles Formed?

Attachment styles are formed primarily during infancy and early childhood. 

Attachment styles develop based on the responsiveness, consistency and emotional availability of the child's caretakers.

These early interactions form an internal working model or "blueprint" for how individuals perceive, expect and act in relationships, including adult romantic relationships (see my article: How Early Attachment Bonds Affect Adult Relationships).

What Are Attachment Needs?

Attachment needs are basic human needs for safety, security and connection.

As adults, these attachment needs are primarily met in romantic relationships--although they can also be met through other relationships like close friendships.

Core attachment needs include:

• Safety and security: A predictable, reliable environment
• Soothing (regulation): Comfort and support
• Validation and attunement: Feeling seen, heard, understood and worthy to their partner
• Connection and belonging: A need for closeness and acceptance which reduces loneliness
• Structure and boundaries: Clear rules and limits that provide a structure for safety

Within the attachment styles, there are three insecure attachment styles and one secure attachment styles.

About 50% of people have a secure attachment style and 50% have an insecure attachment style.

The insecure attachment styles include:

• Anxious attachment
• Avoidant attachment
• Disorganized attachment

Although couples can be any combination, most couples with insecure attachment are usually made up of one person with an anxious attachment style and one person with an avoidant attachment style.

Anxious Attachment Style

People with an anxious attachment style try to get their attachment needs met through protest behavior and other similar behaviors which are driven by a deep fear of abandonment.

Anxious Attachment Style

Although their desire is to get their partner's attention and re-establish connection, their efforts often have the opposite effect on their partner.

Common behaviors include:

• Protest behavior: Engaging in actions which are meant to get their partner's attention and try to re-establish connection including threatening to leave, sending many texts, leaving many phone messages, trying to make their partner jealous.

• Hypervigilance: Monitoring their partner's behavior in a state of hypervigilance for lack of attention or signs of emotional withdrawal which they interpret as threats to the relationship.

• Overcompensation and clinging: Becoming clingy as a way to ensure their partner stays. This often results in their neglecting their own needs in the process (see my article:What is Self Abandonment?).

• Emotional volatility and conflict: Using intense emotional outbursts, lashing out and or criticism to force engagement.

• Guilt-tripping: Using passive aggressive tactics to get affection from their partner.

Avoidant Attachment Style

People with an avoidant attachment style try to get their attachment needs met by creating physical and emotional distance to avoid feeling overwhelmed. 

Avoidant Attachment Style

Their challenge is they often find it difficult to articulate their need for space without seeming distant or rejecting of their partner.  

Common behaviors include:

• Need for silence and space: Taking time alone especially after arguments or stressful situations so they can process their emotions (see my article: Compromising About Time Together and Time Apart).

• Preferring "parallel" connection: They might feel more comfortable being in the same room with their partner while they watch TV silently or doing separate activities rather than engaging in direct emotional connection.

• Enforcing boundaries: They require significant personal space to regulate themselves emotionally, pulling away when they feel smothered or during conflict as a way to regain a sense of safety.

Disorganized Attachment Style

People with disorganized attachment style try to get their attachment needs met through a  tumultuous "push-pull" dynamic where they shift from demands for closeness to sudden fearful withdrawal.

Their challenge is they desire closeness but they also fear it, which leads to chaotic and unpredictable behavior in their partner's eyes. At times, they might preemptively reject their partner to avoid feeling abandoned (see my article: An Emotional Dilemma: Wanting and Dreading Love).

Common behaviors include:

• Push/anxious behavior: When they fear they will be abandoned, they can become clingy, demanding or highly dependent as a way to get reassurance from their partner.

• Pull/avoidant behavior: When they feel emotionally vulnerable, they can become abruptly cold, distant or erratic to regain their sense of safety and independence.

• Conflicting communication: They might give mixed messages, wanting affection but acting cold and rejecting.

• Self-sabotage: When they believe they might get hurt by their partner, they might unconsciously create conflict or break up with a partner to feel like they are in control of the rejection (see my article: Overcoming Self Sabotaging Behavior).

• Problems regulating emotions: They can struggle to express their needs. They often react to past unresolved trauma rather than what is happening in the present which makes it difficult for them to communicate their needs and for their partner to understand their needs (see my article: Emotional Regulation).

Problems For Couples With Anxious and Avoidant Attachment

Couples with insecure attachment often struggle with intense emotional instability, poor communication and trust issues.

Anxious and Insecure Attachment

Common problems for couples with an anxious and an avoidant attachment can be intense codependency as opposed to interdependency (see my article: What is the Difference Between Codependency and Interdependency?).

The anxious partner's demands for closeness can trigger the avoidant partner's need to withdraw which, in turn, reinforces the anxious partner's anxiety so they get caught in a negative cycle (see my article: Breaking the Negative Cycle in Your Relationship).

What is Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples?

Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) helps each individual to understand their own attachment style and how they create a negative cycle together (see my article: What is Emotionally Focused Therapy for Couples?).

EFT also helps couples to learn that neither of them is the "enemy". Instead, the "enemy" is the negative cycle which they must learn to break together as a team.

Getting Help in Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy

If you and your partner are stuck in a negative cycle, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who is an EFT couples therapist.

Getting Help in EFT Couples Therapy

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from an experienced EFT couples therapist so you can have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have over 25 years of experiencing helping individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: What Are the 4 Cs of the Attachment Behavioral System (ABS)?

If you're looking for an excellent book to understand your relationship, check out Secure Love: Creating a Relationship That Lasts a Lifetime by Julie Menanno.

Relationships and the 4 Cs of ABS

I really like this book and recommend it to couples I work with because it has excellent information about couples dynamics, it's written in an accessible way and Ms. Menanno's theoretical orientation for couples therapy is the same as mine--Emotion Focused Therapy (EFT).

In fact, she and I were taught by the same two senior trainers, Sue Johnson, who developed EFT, and George Faller, a long-time EFT trainer and couples therapist.

Understanding Your Relationship Through the Lens of the Attachment Behavioral System

Ms. Menanno provides valuable information about attachment theory as well as practical information about how to understand attachment styles (see my articles about attachment styles below).

Relationships and the 4 Cs of ABS

What Are the 4 Cs of the Attachment Behavioral System (ABS)?

According to Ms. Menanno most couples' problems can be sorted out into four categories and knowing which areas you and your partner are struggling with can help you to know where to focus your attention:

• Comfort
• Connection
• Cooperation 
• Conflict

Let's take a look at each of these components of the ABS:

• Comfort: This category focuses on how well you and your partner provide each other with comfort when one of you seeks comfort or emotional support. She distinguishes comfort from advice giving or trying to "fix" the problem. It also focuses on how well you can manage your emotions while you're comforting your partner.

• Example: Your partner comes home from a visit to her mother's house and she tells you she feels down because her mother criticized her throughout the visit. This has been an ongoing pattern since your partner was a young child. Your partner tells you she needs your emotional support. Do you 1) attune to your partner's feelings and engage in active listening while empathizing with your partner's experience or 2) do you give your partner advice about how to handle the criticism the next time she visits her mother? If your partner has clearly stated she needs your emotional support. the correct answer is 1).

• Connection: Connection refers to the emotional and physical/sexual connection you and your partner experience with each other. Connection involves emotional vulnerability. Emotional connection also involves having fun together. 

• Example: When you talk to your partner about your day, do you 1) talk about the details of your day without expressing how you feel about what happened or 2) do you express your emotional vulnerability by discussing how you were emotionally impacted by what happened? For you and your partner to feel connected with each other, you need to express your emotional vulnerability or you will just be providing the mundane details of your day and you won't be connecting with your partner in a meaningful way. So, 2) is the better way to go.

Relationships and the 4 Cs of ABS

• Cooperation: Teamwork is the essence of this category. This includes how well you and your partner are emotionally supportive with one another and how you manage your daily life. Examples of managing your daily life include sharing the mental load, handling housework, taking care of finances, parenting, managing personal family relationships as well as in-laws (see my articles: Feeling Stuck in the Middle: How to Deal What to Do If Your Spouse and Your Parents Don't Get Along and Dealing With Difficult In-Laws).

• Example: You and your partner divide up the housework and sharing in managing finances. You also divide up the mental load by sharing in remembering and buying gifts for family members' birthdays and anniversaries. Even though you're better at managing interpersonal relationships, you and your partner have made a decision that he will manage the relationship with your mother-in-law because she responds better to him than she does to you.

• Conflict: How well do you and your partner handle disagreements when you're not doing well with the other categories (comfort, connection and cooperation)? Are you both able to manage your emotions or do you get stuck in the "Blame Game" where you're hurling accusations at each other? Are you able to maintain respect for each other during an argument or do you get stuck in the same negative cycle over and over again?

• Example: You and your partner tend to argue about money. You're a saver and he tends to be a spender. Even though you both maintain your own bank accounts with a third account for shared expenses, you keep telling your partner you could both be saving more for retirement if he would curb his spending. When you tell him that, he feels like you're trying to control him. You argue until you're both exhausted. Then, you each retreat and, after a few hours, you're speaking to each other again. Nothing gets repaired. Instead, resentment builds as these unresovled arguments continue to pile up without resolutions. 

Conclusion

Looking through the relational lense of the 4 Cs (comfort, connection, cooperation and conflict) is one way to look at your relationship to understand the positive aspects of your relationship as well as the areas that need attention.

Relationships and the 4 Cs of ABS

When you look at the 4 Cs in your relationship, you and your partner can appreciate the positive aspects and work on repairing the aspects that need improvement.

Getting Help in EFT Couples Therapy

If you recognize problem areas that you and your partner have been unable to resolve on your own, you could benefit from working with a couples therapist who uses Emotion Focused Therapy (EFT) to help couples (see my article: How EFT Couples Therapy Can Help You to Improve Your Relationship).

Getting Help in EFT Couples Therapy

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a EFT licensed mental health professional who can help you and your partner to work through the relationship issues so you can have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have over 25 years of experience helping individual adults and couples to lead more fulfilling lives.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Exploring F@ntasies With Romance Novels

In a previous article, What Are the Emotional and Psychological Reasons For the Popularity of Romance Novels?, I began a discussion about how romance novels fulfill certain emotional and psychological needs.

Exploring Sexual Fantasies with Romance Novels

In the current article, I'm discussing how romance novels can help you to explore fantasies whether you're single or partnered.

Many adults like to use erotic romance novels (also known as erotica) to explore their sexual fantasies. This includes people who are single and in relationships (monogamous and consensually non-monogamous relationships).

How Can Romance Novels Help You to Explore Your Fantasies?

There are many ways to explore fantasies including:

• Watching erotic films

• Watching ethical p0rn

• Listening to erotic audiobooks

• Sharing fantasies with a partner and listening to your partner's fantasies (see my article: How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex).

In terms of exploring sexual fantasies, reading erotic romance novels provides a safe space for exploration whether you're single or partnered including:

• Fantasy Fulfillment: Erotic romance novels allow readers to experience scenarios they might not have experienced in real life (see my article: The 7 Core Sexual Fantasies).

• Emotional and Sexual Exploration: Romance novels can provide an opportunity to explore complex emotions like: vulnerability, anxiety and desire.  Well written stories can give readers a chance to see complex emotions worked through.

Exploring Sexual Fantasies With Romance Novels

• A Low Stakes Environment: Since the writing is fiction, the reader can engage in imagining any type of fantasy in a safe way without pressure or judgment. If readers don't like a particular scene in the book, they can skip over it.

• A Catalyst For Communication: Reading about characters who communicate openly in their relationships about sex and sexual fantasies can provide inspiration, motivation and ideas for conversations with a partner (see my article: Talking to Your Partner About Sex).

Clinical Vignette 1:

The following clinical vignette explores how an individual can benefit from using erotic romance novels to explore sexual fantasies:

Jane

Jane had only ever been in one long term relationship. During the time of her relationship wiht Joe, she hoped Joe would be more open sexually, but he only liked one thing: Sexual intercourse missionary style.  

He wasn't open to exploring other positions or other sexual activities. Although Jane went along with it, when she realized she couldn't convince him to be more sexually adventurous, she realized she was bored with their sex life.  

After they broke up and Jane thought about dating again, she realized her sexual experiences were limited, so she watched ethical p0rn and explored erotic romance novels (see my articles: Sexual Self Discovery and What is Sexual Self Awareness?).

Exploring Sexual Fantasies With Romance Novels

When she found passages in the stories that got her sexually aroused, she used those passages during solo sex (see my article: Sexual Pleasure and the Erotic Self).

As she continued to explore sexual fantasies derived from romance novels, Jane began to feel more confident about her ability to talk to a new partner about what she liked to do sexually (see my article: What is Sexual Self Esteem?).

When she got into a new relationship with Ed, she realized that Ed was much more adventurous than Joe had ever been. When she talked to him about her fantasies, he was eager to try them in real life.

Developing sexual fantasies through romance novels and exploring them with Ed was much more sexually satisfying for Jane.

Clinical Vignette 2:

The following clinical vignette illustrates how a couple who are in sex therapy can use erotic romance novels to explore their sexual fantasies and rekindle the passion in their sex life:

Nan and Bill

After 25 years of marriage, Nan and Bill had drifted into a sexless marriage.

When they were first dating, their sex life was new and exciting. They couldn't wait to see each other and they were both open to being sexually adventurous.  But over the years their sex life had become routine and their sexual repetoire was so limited that they always did the same things in the same way. Gradually, sex between them dwindled from once a week to once a month and, after a while, to less than once a year.

Nan tried to talk to Bill several times about trying to rekindle their sex life, but he felt too uncomfortable to talk about sex (see my article: Are You Too Uncomfortable to Talk to Your Partner About Sex?).

Feeling frustrated and annoyed, Nan told Bill that since he wasn't open to talking to her about sex, she booked an appointment with a sex therapist so they could work on their sex life. Although Bill wasn't motivated to attend sex therapy, he knew he needed to overcome his discomfort with talking about sex to improve their relationship.

After their sex therapist met with Nan and Bill for a consultation, she met with each of them individually to get information about each of their sexual histories and family histories..

Then, she worked with them to help them to get comfortable with talking about sex. Nan was a somewhat more comfortable than Bill, but they both said that sex was a taboo subject when they were growing up and they learned about sex from talking to children at their schools.  Inevitably, since the other children weren't any more informed about sex than they were and sex education at their schools was minimal, they got a lot of misinformation.

Their sex therapist talked to them about expanding their sex script, but neither of them had any new ideas about what they wanted to do. So, she provided them with a list of sexual activities called a Yes, No, Maybe List in sex therapy. They both knew they wanted to remain monogamous and they didn't want to watch p0rn--not even ethical p0rn.

Since they were both avid readers, their sex therapist recommended that they explore sexual fantasies in erotic romance novels.  At first, they felt uncomfortable, but they agreed to do it.

Nan hadn't read a romance novel since she was a teenager, so she was surprised to discover that some of the stories had richer plots, more diverse characters, explicit sexual content and that the writing was generally better than romance novels from the past.

Bill had never read a romance novel in his life. He tended to read nonfiction books, like biographies of famous people, and he felt embarrassed to read an erotic romance novel.  He was glad he could download an e-book so no one would know what he was reading. He was sure his buddies would tease him if they knew.

Their sex therapist recommended they each find passages that got them turned on and read them aloud to each other. At first, both Bill and Nan told her they would feel too embarrassed to do that, but they agreed to try it.

Nan was the first one who found a passage in a story that she shared with Bill about bondage (see my article: Are You Curious About Exploring BDSM?).  

The female character in the story tied up her boyfriend with silk scarves in a playful way and then touched him with a long feather, which got him turned on.

As he listened to Nan read the passage, Bill was surprised he was getting turned on because he had never even thought about trying bondage before. 

When he told Nan he might want to try being tied up with scarves, she was shocked too.

This was the beginning of Bill and Nan's sexual exploration and expansion of their sexual repertoire. As they tried new sexual activities, sex toys and different sexual positions, they both felt excited and happy.

Conclusion

Erotic romance novels can help you to explore sexual fantasies whether you're single or with a partner.

Along with ethical p0rn and erotic films, erotic romance novels are a safe way to explore fantasies for solo sex or partnered sex.

Whether you are single or partnered and regardless of your sexual orientation, if you are having problems with sex, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who is a sex therapist to have a more fulfilling sex life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Parts Work (IFS and Ego States therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?

What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?

 

How to Experience a Healthy Relationship to Joy and Pleasure

Changing Your Sex Script