Exploring F@ntasies With Romance Novels

In a previous article, What Are the Emotional and Psychological Reasons For the Popularity of Romance Novels?, I began a discussion about how romance novels fulfill certain emotional and psychological needs.

Exploring Sexual Fantasies with Romance Novels

In the current article, I'm discussing how romance novels can help you to explore fantasies whether you're single or partnered.

Many adults like to use erotic romance novels (also known as erotica) to explore their sexual fantasies. This includes people who are single and in relationships (monogamous and consensually non-monogamous relationships).

How Can Romance Novels Help You to Explore Your Fantasies?

There are many ways to explore fantasies including:

• Watching erotic films

• Watching ethical p0rn

• Listening to erotic audiobooks

• Sharing fantasies with a partner and listening to your partner's fantasies (see my article: How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex).

In terms of exploring sexual fantasies, reading erotic romance novels provides a safe space for exploration whether you're single or partnered including:

• Fantasy Fulfillment: Erotic romance novels allow readers to experience scenarios they might not have experienced in real life (see my article: The 7 Core Sexual Fantasies).

• Emotional and Sexual Exploration: Romance novels can provide an opportunity to explore complex emotions like: vulnerability, anxiety and desire.  Well written stories can give readers a chance to see complex emotions worked through.

Exploring Sexual Fantasies With Romance Novels

• A Low Stakes Environment: Since the writing is fiction, the reader can engage in imagining any type of fantasy in a safe way without pressure or judgment. If readers don't like a particular scene in the book, they can skip over it.

• A Catalyst For Communication: Reading about characters who communicate openly in their relationships about sex and sexual fantasies can provide inspiration, motivation and ideas for conversations with a partner (see my article: Talking to Your Partner About Sex).

Clinical Vignette 1:

The following clinical vignette explores how an individual can benefit from using erotic romance novels to explore sexual fantasies:

Jane

Jane had only ever been in one long term relationship. During the time of her relationship wiht Joe, she hoped Joe would be more open sexually, but he only liked one thing: Sexual intercourse missionary style.  

He wasn't open to exploring other positions or other sexual activities. Although Jane went along with it, when she realized she couldn't convince him to be more sexually adventurous, she realized she was bored with their sex life.  

After they broke up and Jane thought about dating again, she realized her sexual experiences were limited, so she watched ethical p0rn and explored erotic romance novels (see my articles: Sexual Self Discovery and What is Sexual Self Awareness?).

Exploring Sexual Fantasies With Romance Novels

When she found passages in the stories that got her sexually aroused, she used those passages during solo sex (see my article: Sexual Pleasure and the Erotic Self).

As she continued to explore sexual fantasies derived from romance novels, Jane began to feel more confident about her ability to talk to a new partner about what she liked to do sexually (see my article: What is Sexual Self Esteem?).

When she got into a new relationship with Ed, she realized that Ed was much more adventurous than Joe had ever been. When she talked to him about her fantasies, he was eager to try them in real life.

Developing sexual fantasies through romance novels and exploring them with Ed was much more sexually satisfying for Jane.

Clinical Vignette 2:

The following clinical vignette illustrates how a couple who are in sex therapy can use erotic romance novels to explore their sexual fantasies and rekindle the passion in their sex life:

Nan and Bill

After 25 years of marriage, Nan and Bill had drifted into a sexless marriage.

When they were first dating, their sex life was new and exciting. They couldn't wait to see each other and they were both open to being sexually adventurous.  But over the years their sex life had become routine and their sexual repetoire was so limited that they always did the same things in the same way. Gradually, sex between them dwindled from once a week to once a month and, after a while, to less than once a year.

Nan tried to talk to Bill several times about trying to rekindle their sex life, but he felt too uncomfortable to talk about sex (see my article: Are You Too Uncomfortable to Talk to Your Partner About Sex?).

Feeling frustrated and annoyed, Nan told Bill that since he wasn't open to talking to her about sex, she booked an appointment with a sex therapist so they could work on their sex life. Although Bill wasn't motivated to attend sex therapy, he knew he needed to overcome his discomfort with talking about sex to improve their relationship.

After their sex therapist met with Nan and Bill for a consultation, she met with each of them individually to get information about each of their sexual histories and family histories..

Then, she worked with them to help them to get comfortable with talking about sex. Nan was a somewhat more comfortable than Bill, but they both said that sex was a taboo subject when they were growing up and they learned about sex from talking to children at their schools.  Inevitably, since the other children weren't any more informed about sex than they were and sex education at their schools was minimal, they got a lot of misinformation.

Their sex therapist talked to them about expanding their sex script, but neither of them had any new ideas about what they wanted to do. So, she provided them with a list of sexual activities called a Yes, No, Maybe List in sex therapy. They both knew they wanted to remain monogamous and they didn't want to watch p0rn--not even ethical p0rn.

Since they were both avid readers, their sex therapist recommended that they explore sexual fantasies in erotic romance novels.  At first, they felt uncomfortable, but they agreed to do it.

Nan hadn't read a romance novel since she was a teenager, so she was surprised to discover that some of the stories had richer plots, more diverse characters, explicit sexual content and that the writing was generally better than romance novels from the past.

Bill had never read a romance novel in his life. He tended to read nonfiction books, like biographies of famous people, and he felt embarrassed to read an erotic romance novel.  He was glad he could download an e-book so no one would know what he was reading. He was sure his buddies would tease him if they knew.

Their sex therapist recommended they each find passages that got them turned on and read them aloud to each other. At first, both Bill and Nan told her they would feel too embarrassed to do that, but they agreed to try it.

Nan was the first one who found a passage in a story that she shared with Bill about bondage (see my article: Are You Curious About Exploring BDSM?).  

The female character in the story tied up her boyfriend with silk scarves in a playful way and then touched him with a long feather, which got him turned on.

As he listened to Nan read the passage, Bill was surprised he was getting turned on because he had never even thought about trying bondage before. 

When he told Nan he might want to try being tied up with scarves, she was shocked too.

This was the beginning of Bill and Nan's sexual exploration and expansion of their sexual repertoire. As they tried new sexual activities, sex toys and different sexual positions, they both felt excited and happy.

Conclusion

Erotic romance novels can help you to explore sexual fantasies whether you're single or with a partner.

Along with ethical p0rn and erotic films, erotic romance novels are a safe way to explore fantasies for solo sex or partnered sex.

Whether you are single or partnered and regardless of your sexual orientation, if you are having problems with sex, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who is a sex therapist to have a more fulfilling sex life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Parts Work (IFS and Ego States therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?

What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?

 

How to Experience a Healthy Relationship to Joy and Pleasure

Changing Your Sex Script

 

What Are the Emotional and Psychological Reasons For the Popularity of Romance Novels?

Several years ago, while I was taking a writing course, I was surprised to find out that romance novels are a billion dollar industry which consistently outperform other fiction genres. 

In 2023, sales of romance novels in the United States reached over $1.4 billion. 

Psychological Reasons for the Popularity of Romance Novelshope,

After I found out that one of my favorite sex educators discussed romance novels as a way to rekindle passion in sexless marriages, this really piqued my curiosity to take a deeper dive into the emotional and psychological reasons for the popularity of romance novels.

It turns out that 82% of readers are women, but in recent years some men are also becoming interested in this genre.

The Popularity of Jane Austen Novels

Jane Austen, whose books were published in the early 19th century, became one of the first female authors who popularized romance novels. They also dealt with the social commentary and comedy of manners. 

In current times, Jane Austen's books, which include Pride and Prejudice, Sense and Sensibility, and Emma, to name a few, are now seen as part of the historical fiction genre.

Younger Readership and the Influence of Social Media

Over the years, the readership has become younger with a significant portion of readers in the 18-44 year old range.

Social media has also boosted the popularity of romance novels, especially #BookTok on TikTok, which has made this genre "cool" again.  Social media also boosts sales and also influences the type of romance novels published in recent times.

Subgenres of Romance Novels

Romance novels include many subgenres including:

• Contemporary
• Historical
• Paranormal
• Romantic suspense
• Erotic romance
• Fantasy
• Science fiction
• Young adult
• Inspirational 

What Are the Emotional and Psychological Reasons For the Popularity of Romance Novels?

Here are the most common reasons:

• Hope and Optimism: Romance novels provide an optimistic escape. The reader is assured of a happy ending. In fact, one of the hallmarks of romance novels is the "happily ever after" ending (HEA). Some books provide a "happy for now" (HFN) ending. The two characters who fall in love often have to overcome obstacles to be together, but the reader is assured that, by the end of the novel, the couple will be together.

Psychological Reasons for the Popularity of Romance Novels

• Emotional Intimacy: Since readers are given access to the characters' thoughts and emotions, they can experience a deep connection with the characters. This connection provides them with a vicarious emotional and empathic experience.

• Relatable Human Connections: Love, relationships and human connections are universal themes so they are relatable to most people regardless of their own relationship status.

• A Sense of Safety and Predictability: The understanding that there will be a happy ending (or happy for now ending) provides a sense of comfort and reassurance which is in contrast to real life where there is no such reassurance.

• Empowering Narratives: Many contemporary romance novels have strong, independent female characters who are relatable to female readers.

• Increased Representation: Over the years, the genre has become more inclusive with a wide array of backgrounds, ethnicities and sexual orientations.

• Female-Centered Stories: Romance novels tend to have female-centered narratives. In recent years stories about empowered women provide stories that are relatable to most women.

What Are the Social and Cultural Factors For the Popularity of Romance Novels?

In addition to the emotional and psychological reasons for the popularity of romance novels, there are also social and cultural reasons including:

• Community and Social Media: As previously mentioned, social media platforms, like #BookTox, have created massive communities where readers find new books to read together.

• Accessibility: Many romance novels are accessible in terms of format and length. This makes these novels easy to read and discuss with others.

• Affordability: Romance novels are often sold at a relatively affordable price. This makes them easy to purchase.

What is the Connection Between Romance Novels and Sexual Fantasies?

Romance novels and sexual fantasies are connected through shared themes of desire, fantasy and emotional fulfillment (see my article: Exploring Sexual Fantasies Without Guilt or Shame).

These novels act as a tool for readers to explore these fantasies in a safe context. They can also stimulation readers' imagination to explore new sexual activities while experiencing a sense of empowerment and and self confidence by relating to the characters (see my article: Finding Your Sexual Voice).

More about the connection between romance novels and sexual fantasies in a future article.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles: 

Exploring Sexual Fantasies Without Guilt or Shame

Are You Too Shy to Talk to Your Partner About Sex?

What Are. Ravishment Fantasies?

BDSM: What Does It Mean to Be a "Brat"?

What is Kinky Sex?

How a Negative Personal Narrative Develops From Unresolved Trauma and How Trauma Therapy Can Help

In my prior article, Changing the Negative Stories You Tell Yourself About Who You Are, I began a discussion about changing your negative personal narrative (see my article: You Can't Change Your Past, But You Can Change the Way Past Trauma Affects You in the Present).

In that article, I gave a brief description of how early experiences can affect your personal narrative and some self help tips on what you can do to become aware and challenge the stories you are telling yourself.  

Negative Personal Narratives Can Develop From Unresolved Trauma

In the current article, I'm delving deeper into the impact of unresolved trauma, which I mentioned towards the end of first article, and how trauma therapy can help (see my article:  What is a Trauma Therapist?).

Clinical Vignette: A Negative Personal Narrative Develops From Unresolved Trauma and How Trauma Therapy Helped

The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many different cases with all identifying information removed to protect confidentiality, illustrates how trauma therapy can help clients to change their personal narrative from negative to positive:

Joe

When Joe, who was his early 40s, sought help in trauma therapy, he told his therapist he wanted to learn to accept he wasn't going to be in a relationship because he was unlovable and women weren't interested in him.

At that point, he believed he had to reconcile himself to a destiny of being alone, which was overwhelming for him.  But he believed that if he didn't accept what he perceived as the hopelessness of his situation, he would feel chronically dissatisfied for the rest of his life.  

Although he wanted more than anything to have a romantic partner, he told his therapist he believed it would be better to accept being alone and focus on other areas of his life.  

According to Joe, he tried working on making changes in his prior therapies so that he could get into a relationship, but no matter how much he tried, nothing worked.  As a result, he believed he had to accept that women found him fundamentally flawed and he was destined to be alone.

He believed if he learned to accept the inevitability of his being single for the rest of his life, he would be much better off than pining for something that wasn't possible.  He was adamant that he felt he wasted too much time in prior therapies trying to change himself to no avail.

As his therapist got to know Joe, she could see no objective reason why he wasn't in a relationship, which he said he really wanted.  From her perspective, she saw an intelligent, kind, handsome man who was repeatedly telling himself that he wasn't lovable or good enough to be with anyone.

Although she was aware that Joe's personal narrative was distorted, she also knew that it would be pointless to tell him this so early in his therapy because it would only increase his resistance to it.  She knew it would be much more helpful for Joe to discover this for himself through their work together.

His family background included a highly critical mother and a father who was more of an absence than a presence because he spent most of his time at work.  Even when he was at home, Joe's father, who was emotionally distant, did nothing to mitigate the damage of the mother's relentless criticism of Joe and Joe's much older siblings.

When his older siblings were old enough to leave the house, they moved out on their own to get away from their parental home--leaving Joe to endure his mother's criticism and chronic dissatisfaction with Joe, his father and her own life.  

As a result, Joe was a shy, self conscious child who mostly played by himself at home. His  mother didn't want his friends to come to their house because she feared they would upset the house.  Nor did she allow Joe to visit his friends or to play outside in the park or at the school playground.

Although Joe's teachers attempted to talk to his mother about his social isolation and the need to socialize with other children, their words fell on deaf ears.  His mother believed that Joe just needed to behave himself and do his chores, and she didn't see any value in his making friends.

Consequently, as a child, Joe didn't learn to socialize with boys and girls, and he didn't develop the necessary social skills to form friendships or relationships.  Combined with his mother's criticism that he would never amount to anything, Joe's lack of social engagement had a devastating impact on him.

By the time he was in high school, Joe carried so much shame that he shied away from girls who showed an interest in him because he knew his mother was old fashioned and wouldn't approve.  And the only friendships he made while he was at an out of state college were his dorm mates, who made an extra effort to get to know him.

If he met a young woman he was attracted to who was outgoing and who asked him out, Joe would go, but he was lacking self confidence even with women who were obviously very interested in him.

After college and law school, Joe began a lucrative career as a corporate attorney and got his own apartment in Manhattan where he tended to isolate even though he wanted to have friends and date women.

By the time he was in his late 20s, Joe began therapy to deal with his social isolation and loneliness.  But, as previously mentioned, despite having tried many different therapy modalities, Joe had no success in therapy and he remained alone.

His current therapist told Joe about EMDR therapy to resolve childhood trauma, which he was able to acknowledge.  

As long as his therapist didn't relate his childhood trauma to his current circumstances, Joe was willing to work through his crippling self esteem issues stemming from a childhood of emotional neglect and emotional abuse (see my article: How EMDR Therapy Works: EMDR Therapy and the Brain).

Part of the EMDR therapy protocol is asking the client for the negative belief they have about themselves as it relates to their traumatic memories.  

In Joe's case, his negative belief was "I'm unlovable and I'm not good enough" (see my articles:  Overcoming the Emotional Pain of Feeling Unlovable and Are Your Core Negative Beliefs Keeping You Stuck?).

Over time, as often occurs in EMDR therapy, Joe began to make emotional connections between his traumatic childhood experiences and his current life circumstances on his own (see my article: EMDR Therapy Helps to Achieve Emotional Breakthroughs).

In the past, he resisted making these connections whenever his prior therapists mentioned them, so he was surprised he was making them on his own and how intuitively these connections resonated with him despite his long history of resisting them.

As he became more open to the trauma therapy process, Joe gradually allowed himself to grieve his childhood losses and he felt a weight had been lifted from him.  

As he worked through his traumatic history, Joe began to feel more optimistic about the possibility of a relationship in his future.  As a result, even though he didn't have a lot of dating experience, he was more open to dating.  

At first, whenever a woman he was dating rejected him, Joe reverted to his negative narrative about himself: "I'm unlovable" and "No one will want me."  

But, over time, Joe learned that, just like anyone else, there would be some people who would be interested in him and some who weren't.  

Working in therapy on these issues, Joe learned not to personalize these rejections (see my article: It's Not Always You - How to Stop Personalizing Rejection While Dating).

How Trauma Therapy Helps to Develop a Positive Personal Narrative

As he continued to work through his issues in therapy and open himself to dating women, Joe's personal narrative about himself changed.  Rather than seeing himself as unlovable and not good enough, he developed a positive personal narrative where he believed he deserved love and a happier life.

Over time, Joe developed genuine self confidence and he began a relationship with a woman he met through a colleague.

Conclusion

Personal narratives are based on your history.  

If you were fortunate enough to have had a good enough childhood where you felt loved and encouraged in your life, all other things being equal, you probably will have a positive personal narrative.

On the other hand, if you grew up in a family where you were ridiculed and you internalized a negative perspective about yourself, your personal narrative will probably be negative.  Like most things, there are exceptions.

Trauma therapy, like EMDR, helps you overcome the traumatic memories that can have a lasting impact on you in adulthood if they are untreated in trauma therapy.  

Once you have worked through these issues, you can live your life without the impact of early trauma.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you are impacted by unresolved trauma, you could benefit from working with a trauma therapist, who can help you overcome your traumatic history.

Once you have worked through your trauma, you can live free from your history and change the negative stories you tell yourself.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I am a trauma therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Changing the Negative Stories You Tell Yourself

Do you have negative stories you tell yourself about who you are? 

If you do, you're not alone. These stories are shaped by your experiences and they also shape your perception of yourself.  So, if the narrative you are telling yourself is negative, you're likely to believe these distortions.

See my articles: 

How Psychotherapy Can Help You to Change Distorted Thinking

5 Steps For Challenging Distorted Negative Thoughts About Yourself

Changing the Negative Stories You Tell Yourself About Who You Are

In Mark Epstein's books,  Going on Being and The Zen of Psychotherapy, he discusses the negative narratives his clients often cling to and how it affects their perspective of themselves.  He discusses this based on the intersection of psychotherapy and Buddhism.  However, to benefit from these concepts, you don't have to believe in Buddhism or even be a spiritual person.

How Do Personal Narratives Develop?

Personal narratives are developed through your early experiences even before you have any awareness of them and the effect they have on you.  This means they are often unconscious (see my article: Making the Unconscious Conscious).

Personal narratives are often impacted by the hopes and fears your parents had for you if they projected these stories onto you. Then, you take them in on a deep level even before you are aware of it.

For instance, if you grew up with parents who told you that you could strive to accomplish whatever you want, all other things being equal, you will most likely grow up feeling self confident and entitled to pursue your dreams.  

But if you grew up in a family where your parents believed the world is a dangerous place  and you shouldn't expect too much in your life, you will probably feel anxious and scared to pursue your dreams or you might not even allow yourself to have personal hopes and dreams. (see my article: Overcoming the Effects of Childhood Trauma).

Becoming Aware of Your Personal Narrative

Before you can change your personal narrative, you need to become aware of the stories you are telling yourself (see my article: Developing Self Awareness and Making Personal Changes).

This can be challenging because, as previously mentioned, these old stories develop so early and they become ingrained in you.  Over time, you might have even come to develop a strong identification with these stories--so much so you don't experience any separation between the stories you are telling yourself and who you really are. So, you need to have a way of observing your personal narrative.  

Many people find mindfulness meditation to be an effective way to observe and become aware of the thoughts and emotions.

When you begin a mindfulness practice, you might find yourself distracted by irrelevant thoughts and other distractions.  But if you continue to develop your mindfulness practice over time and you can let go of self judgment, you can begin to notice and question these negative perceptions.

People often think they aren't supposed to have unrelated thoughts during mindfulness meditation, but your thoughts will automatically come.  Rather than expecting not to have thoughts or trying to suppress these thoughts, just observe them and then let them go as if they could float away on a cloud.

Changing the Stories You Tell Yourself About Who You Are

Awareness is the first step.  

Are you happy with what you have observed?  Is this what you want for yourself?

After you become aware of an old negative narrative, you can attempt to step outside your experience to question whether this narrative is true and ask yourself where it came from (see my article: You Can't Change Your Past, But You Can Change How Your Past Affects You Now).

It's not unusual for there to be unconscious reasons for maintaining and reinforcing negative stories based on your fears about change.  There might be an unconscious belief that by maintaining the status quo, you are keeping yourself "safe."  But playing it "safe" can also keep you stuck (see my article: Are Your Core Beliefs Keeping You Stuck?).

Journaling about what came up in your meditation is helpful in terms of making sense of and questioning your thoughts and emotions about yourself.

Where is the evidence for the negative stories you are telling yourself?  

Can you consider other alternatives?

Rewriting Your Personal Narrative

What if you write a new narrative that is closer to your authentic self and you step into that narrative to see how that change feels (see my article: Becoming Your True Self)?

Rewriting your narrative doesn't mean you tell yourself you had a wonderful childhood if you didn't. That would be a false narrative.

Instead, acknowledge your negative memories, write about them and, without negating the traumatic impact they had on you, also look at what you might have gained from these experiences so you can begin to reframe them in a larger perspective.  

For instance, in addition to the adversity and emotional pain, did you learn anything of value from them?  Did you develop strengths as a result of these struggles?

When you discover and acknowledge the strengths you developed as a result of these experiences, you can begin to see your personal narrative with a new expanded perspective.

Overcoming Trauma That Affects Your Perception of Yourself

When you are struggling with unresolved trauma you developed early in your life, you might be too overwhelmed by emotional triggers and related thoughts and emotions you developed from the trauma.

Although you can still look at your personal narrative in a larger perspective, when your trauma symptoms are active, you will probably need the help of a therapist who is a trauma specialist to help you overcome these symptoms and the related negative personal stories you tell yourself (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

In the next article, I'll expand on this discussion: How a Negative Personal Narrative Develops From Unresolved Trauma and How Trauma Therapy Can Help).

Getting Help in Therapy

By definition, trauma is overwhelming.

If you are struggling with unresolved trauma, you owe it to yourself to seek help from a licensed mental health professional who helps clients to overcome trauma.

Freeing Yourself From Effects of Your Traumatic History

Freeing yourself from the effects of your traumatic history can change how you feel about yourself and allow you to lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

One of my specialties is helping clients to overcome trauma.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

The Benefits of Laughter For Your Health and Mental Health

You've probably heard the saying, "Laughter is the best medicine" which hints at the physical and mental health benefits of laughter.  In the past, I wrote an article, Humor Can Be Helpful in Psychotherapy, which explored how humor can sometimes increase the effectiveness of therapy.  In this article, I'm focusing on how laughter benefits both your physical and mental health.

The Benefits of Laughter For Your Health and Mental Health

The Benefits of Laughter For Your Health and Mental Health
Laughter is beneficial for your mind and your body because it:

• strengthens your immune system
• elevates your mood
• reduces pain
• protects you against the harmful effects of stress
• inspires hope
• helps you to connect and bond with others
• keeps you grounded
• relaxes your body
• eases stress and anxiety
• strengthens resilience (see my article: Developing Resilience)
• diffuses anger
• reduces inhibitions
• helps you to feel recharged and energized
• increases your ability to use your imagination and increases creativity (see my article: Using Positive Imagination to Cope)

Adults Need to Seek More Opportunities For Laughter
Most children tend to laugh many times a day.  However, adults tend to be more serious, and they don't laugh as much as children. Therefore, adults, who want the health and mental health benefits of laughter, need to seek out more opportunities to laugh.

You can seek out these opportunities to include more laughter in your life by:

• watching a funny movie or TV show
• watching standup comedy
• playing games with friends
• spending time with people who are funny
• playing with your pet
• reading a funny story
• sharing a funny cartoon with friends 
• engaging in laughing yoga
• being grateful for what you have
• being "silly"
• taking an improv class
• sharing true stories about yourself with others (see my article: The Psychological Benefits of Storytelling)

Examples of How to Bring More Laughter Into Your Life

Sue
After realizing that she wasn't having as much fun as she used to, Sue decided to join an improv class, which was recommended by a friend. She had never taken an improv class before and, initially, she felt intimidated. But on her first day of class, she discovered that most other people in the class had never done improv or any type of comedy before, and they were feeling just as inhibited as she was feeling. By the second class, she realized she really liked her instructor, who made learning improv fun easy.  So, after a while, Sue opened up more and allowed herself to just have fun. She realized that she had not laughed so much in years, and she decided to take the next improv class when it was over.

Jim
Although he enjoyed painting in his free time, Jim found it to be too solitary an activity, especially since he already spent a lot of time on his own as an online editor.  He didn't look forward to spending even more time alone doing his artwork.  However, at the suggestion of a neighbor, he offered a free art class to the children in his apartment building, and while he was working with the children, he realized that not only were they having fun, but he was also having fun with them.  This group activity with children helped him to feel energized, and it allowed him to spend time alone doing his own artwork.

Conclusion
As mentioned above, there are many physical health and mental health benefits to laughter.

Sometimes, you need to experiment with different activities to find one that you enjoy.  If you approach this exploration with a sense of curiosity and playfulness, you'll discover an activity that's just right for you. In addition, you'll begin to experience the benefits of laughter.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex therapist (see my article: The Benefits of Integrative Therapy).

I provide teletherapy, also known as online therapy, telemental health or telehealth for clients (see my article:  The Advantages of Online Therapy).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation with me, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

The Power of Storytelling

Storytelling has become a popular activity at many venues in New York City as well as around the world. Not only is it popular, it's also a powerful form of communication since ancient times, and there are many psychological benefits to telling and listening to stories.

The Power of Storytelling

The Psychological Benefits of Storytelling

• We are hardwired for storytelling.  We tend to think in terms of stories, and it's how we make meaning of our lives. 

• Listening to a story engages the imagination, and the brain processes the images and emotional experiences related to the story in the same way as it processes "real life" lived experiences.

• Whether the stories are about ancient myths, archetypes, relationships, overcoming adversity, or personal transformation, to name only a few storytelling topics, storytelling has a psychologically integrative function for the individual telling the story as well as for the listener.  

• Storytelling engages on an emotional level in a collaborative way as the storyteller makes him/herself emotionally vulnerable by telling a personally meaningful story. As the audience listens to the story, they often open up in an empathetic way to the storyteller and the story. 

• In developing and narrating the story, the storyteller discovers psychological connections from the past to the present and from one part of the self to other aspects of the self. 

• Storytelling helps to connect us in universal ways as the listener identifies with the storyteller and discovers aspects of him/herself in the story.  A personally meaningful story often transcends the boundaries of race, gender, age and other identities that often divide people.

• From an early age, most people are raised on stories. Young children love stories and they will often ask to hear the same story over and over again because it's soothing. Adults also find stories to be emotionally engaging.  There is also something soothing about anticipating and experiencing the structure of a story with a beginning, middle and an end. The audience anticipates that there will be an arc to the story with a resolution at the end, which is so comforting and satisfying to the mind.

Storytelling and the Moth

The Moth, a nonprofit group based in New York City, was founded in 1997 and it's dedicated to the art and craft of storytelling.  Currently, the Moth hosts storytelling events all over the United States and the world.  

The poet and novelist, George Dawes Green, and the original Moth storytellers wanted to recreate the atmosphere of telling and listening to stories on the porch where moths buzzed around in the evening light.  They began by calling themselves "the moths" and the organization has grown substantially from its origins more than 20 years ago.

In 2009, the Moth began a popular and critically acclaimed podcast and established a national public radio show. 

Since its inception, thousands of people have told their personal stories at the Moth all over the world.

There is an energetic flow between the storytellers and the audience, and this, in itself, is transformative for both the storyteller and the audience.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

*Disclaimer: I am not on the faculty of the Magnet and I receive no compensation or benefit of any kind from them for mentioning them in this article.

Making Changes: What to Keep and What to Let Go of in Your Life - Part 2

In the first part of this discussion, Making Changes: What to Keep and What to Let Go of in Your Life,  I began a discussion about Elena Ferrante's Neapolitan trilogy and the various themes in her books about change, courage, self identity, loss, friendship, family, trauma and triumph over adversity.

Making Changes:  What to Keep and What to Let Go of in Your Life

In this article, I'm expanding on this topic by discussing the challenges involved with making changes, even when these changes are positive, by continuing to use Ms. Ferrante's stories to illustrate my points.

In Ms. Ferrante's books, starting with My Brilliant Friend, the protagonist, Elena, has an opportunity to continue her education beyond elementary school to high school and even to college.  Coming from a poor community on the outskirts of Naples, Italy in the 1950s where most people are just struggling to survive, this is highly unusual, especially for a girl.

Although there is no doubt that this opportunity is a change for the better, higher education, especially for girls, isn't valued by Elena's parents or most of the people in her small town.

From a practical point of view, her parents are just scraping by, so the cost of a higher education is a luxury that they can't afford, especially in a society that sees women as eventually getting married, having children, and being subservient to her husband.

Determination to Change in the Face of Adversity
How does someone like Elena, who in her wildest dreams, never even imagined that she could attend high school--let alone college, deal with the internal and external conflicts that arise in this situation?

Once the financial obstacles are removed, Elena is determined to succeed even though there are still many practical and psychological obstacles.  She stays focused on what she wants--even though there is still a lot of uncertainty and she knows it will be difficult.

Step by step, she perseveres.  She studies hard.  In situations where she has no experience and she feels socially inadequate, she is a keen observer of others and learns by example.  She also struggles with her internal demons that tell her she's "not good enough."

Feelings of inadequacy and doubt weigh on her throughout much of the story, but her determination, intelligence and ability to adapt help her to keep going.

Making Changes and, as a Result, Feeling Like an Outsider
Elena also struggles with feeling like an outsider among her peers in college, many of whom had opportunities and social experiences throughout their lives that she never had.

Although she earned her right to attend college, she must still confront class and social prejudice among students who are much more privileged than she is.  But she learns to win over these students with her good nature and patience.

Nevertheless, throughout it all, she's aware of not only what she has gained, but also what she has lost while she is in college. This includes the security of the world she has known her all of her life. It also includes the certainty of the role she would have taken as a woman in the 1950s in a small provincial town.

Although, given her dreams, she might not have been suited for this limited role, it seems pretty certain what it would have been:  wife, mother, daughter, sister, someone whose needs would have been subordinated to others' needs.

Even though this limited role might have been unappealing, the certainty of it and her place in her community would have been assured, especially as compared to the uncertainty as she forges a new path, which is unchartered territory for women in that place and time.

Going against the tide in her community, she must also contend with feeling somewhat like an outsider at home because she's now a college student, an intellectual (in a poor community where intellect is often devalued compared to having more concrete skills), and someone who has learned to speak Italian in an eloquent way, as opposed to speaking in the dialect of her community.

So, initially, she feels like an outsider in both worlds.

She has many doubts:  Which world does she belong to once she leaves her home town and goes to college in Milan?  She no longer completely fits in, as she did before, in her home town.  She is also aware that her family and old friends sense this and they are also confused and disturbed by it.  They're ambivalent.  Some people from her home town who admire her also mock her at the same time.  She's different now and, for many of them, her advances highlight their shortcomings.

Anyone who has ever made a major change where it involves going against tradition knows what this feels like.  Certainly, it can feel very lonely, and it takes a lot of courage to persevere (see my article:  Feeling Like an Outsider in an Insider's World).  Even then, it might feel like something old and familiar is irrevocably lost.

This is especially true for Elena because during that time there was no clear path for women to excel in the region where she lived, even women with a college degree.  Times were changing in Italy, but the changes were just beginning to occur in the larger metropolitan cities.

Major Life Transitions and Changes in a Sense of Self
Feeling like an outsider also brings up a related issue, which is how this affects one's sense of self.

As Elena is transitioning from her sense of self from her early days in Naples to her new sense of self as a college educated woman, the change feels daunting.

Even after she receives recognition and praise by her professors and peers, she is constantly afraid of saying or doing "the wrong thing."  She fears that she will be "found out," shown to be an imposture and a fraud to her new acquaintances as well as to herself.

This is a common experience among people who are making big changes during that transitional phase.  For Elena and others in similar situations, they no longer feel completely comfortable in their old world, but they're also not completely comfortable in their new world.

During that initial phase of the change, their sense of self hasn't been integrated and consolidated yet.  This often comes gradually over time.  And the inner critical voice, which says, "Just who do you think you are!?!" can be even more disturbing than the external critical voices.

Integrating Change With the Many Aspects of Self
When you're making major changes, it takes time to integrate these changes to develop a new sense of self.

Over time, your perception of yourself will include the former aspects of yourself before the change as well as the newer aspects.  This is somewhat of an oversimplification, but is generally true.

Often, it's only with the benefit of hindsight and self reflection that you realize how you've changed.

For Elena, this psychological process means that, along with the new aspects of herself that are developing, she also maintains the older aspects of self, her integrity, courage, empathy, and love for the people who are significant in her life--even if they don't feel they really understand her now that she's taken a step away from them by going to college with all the changes that this brings.

Moving Away Psychologically as Part of Changing
Moving away as part of changing doesn't only involve a geographic move.  Often, a psychological move is involved that can be much more subtle than physically moving away.

In Elena's case, her move away from what's familiar starts on a psychological basis as she allows herself to see the possibilities beyond the boundaries of her home town.  This might not sound so extraordinary these days to people living in the modern Western world.  But during the 1950s in her community, where Elena's story begins, the ability to see beyond her current circumstance is amazing at the same time that it's profoundly scary.

The initial phase of this psychological process, taking the psychic space that she needs to become the person that she eventually becomes, is necessary before she can make the geographic move.  Even with all of her initial doubts, she takes a psychological leap of faith that she could have a better life by going to college, even though the road ahead isn't clear.

I think the protagonist's psychological struggles and triumph over adversity is one of the many reasons why Elena Ferrante's novels are so inspiring.

In a future article, I'll continue to expand upon these themes.

Getting Help in Therapy
Change can be challenging.  Rather going through a major life transition alone, you could work with a licensed mental health professional in a supportive therapeutic environment who can help you to feel empowered as you accomplish your goals.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

See my article:  Making Changes: Developing a Sense of Belonging.