Relationships: How to Cope With Being Triggered in Your Relationship

Understanding how you and your partner trigger each other involves recognizing that triggers are disproportionately intense emotional reactions that are sparked by current events which have their roots in earlier unresolved trauma.

Partners Triggering Each Other

These reactions are automatic and rooted in the nervous system's fight-or-flight response.

Why Do People Get Triggered?

Triggers typically stem from several deep-seated psychological areas:

• Insecure Attachment History: Early childhood insecure attachment styles, like anxious, avoidant and disorganized attachment, become the models for adult relationships. For instance, a person with an anxious attachment might get triggered by a partner who needs space and an avoidant partner might feel triggered by a partner's request for closeness (see my article: How Your Attachment Style Affects Your Relationship).

Unresolved Trauma and Early Wounds

• Past Unresolved Trauma and Early Wounds: Events between partners that mirror childhood abuse, neglect or abandonment can cause panic where the brain reacts as if the past threat is happening now (see my articles: Reacting to the Present Based on the Past and Unresolved Trauma: Separating "Then" From "Now").

Critical Inner Voice

• Critical Inner Voice: A partner who has a history of unresolved trauma can misinterpret their partner's neutral actions. For example, if a partner says he's too tired to go out to dinner, the other partner's critical inner voice might hear "He doesn't care about me anymore" or "He thinks I'm too boring to be with" or "He thinks I'm unattractive" (see my article: Making Friends With Your Internal Critic).

• Unmet Needs: Triggers often occur when deep vulnerabilities aren't met by a partner (or they are perceived as not being met) like the need to feel seen, safe and respected which is rooted in unresolved trauma (see my article: 4 Ways Unresolved Early Trauma Can Have a Negative Impact on Your Relationship).

What is the Cycle of Mutual Triggering?

Mutual triggering occurs when one partner's reactive behavior becomes a trigger for the other partner. This can create an ongoing cycle of triggers.

• The Pattern: Partner A feels triggered and reacts (e.g., attacking or withdrawing). This reaction, in turn, triggers Partner B's insecurities which causes Partner B to react and so on.

• The Result: At the point when both partners are triggered, what often happens is that their wounded "inner children" engage in conflict which can lead to repeated arguments where nothing is resolved.

What Are Common Triggers in Relationships?

Common triggers in everyday interactions include:

• Criticism: Actual or perceived criticism, disapproval or a dismissive tone
• Rejection/Abandonment: Your partner canceling plans, running late or seeming emotionally distant
• Neglect: Feeling ignored or like your needs aren't important

How Can Partners Manage Triggers Together?

• Self Awareness: Use a journal to identify "raw spots" in your history that cause intense emotions so you can anticipate your triggers

Developing Self Awareness Through Journal Writing

• Naming the Trigger: Communicating clearly to your partner, "I feel triggered because..." can help to shift the focus from blaming your partner to addressing your internal pain. If you can't communicate what is going on with you in the moment, let your partner know that you feel upset and you need a moment to figure out how you're getting triggered. Once you have figured it out, communicate this to your partner.

Name the Trigger

• A Shared Pause Plan: Agree on a word or signal to pause a conversation when one or both of you feel overwhelmed. Make this agreement at a point when both of you are calm and then use it when upset.

Practice Reflective Listening

• Reflective Listening: When your partner shares their feelings, instead of rushing to say how you feel, listen and then paraphrase what you heard. Ask your partner if you have paraphrased their feelings accurately and, if not, ask them to say it again and try paraphrasing again. Then, switch roles. This can help each partner to feel heard and validated (see my article: How to Respond in a Supportive Way to Your Partner's Vulnerability).

Get Help in Couples Therapy

If you and your partner have tried to use these tools and strategies and you're still having problems, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who is a couples therapist.

Get Help in Couples Therapy

Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples, also known as EFT, can help you and your partner learn to identify and prevent your particular negative cycle so that you don't keep triggering each other.

Working in couples therapy can help you to have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have helped many individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Article:

The Potential Long Lasting Impact of Trauma 

What Does Processing Your Emotions Mean?

If you have ever been in therapy, you have probably heard the term "processing your emotions".  It's a term that psychotherapists use often in therapy, but many people either don't understand what that term means or they have only a vague sense of it.

Processing Emotions in Therapy

What Does It Mean to Process Your Emotions?

Processing your emotions means consciously acknowledging, experiencing and integrating your feelings instead of suppressing or ignoring them (see my article: What's the Difference Between Emotional Regulation and Controlling Your Emotions?).

Key Aspects of Processing Your Emotions

• Sense Your Emotions: Emotions are embodied experiences. If you want to process your emotions, you need to have a somatic awareness of them, e.g., a tightness in your chest, a clinching in your stomach, and so on (see my article: The Mind-Body Connection: What is Somatic Awareness?).

Sensing Emotions

• Name Your Emotions: Labeling your emotions is essential to processing them ("I feel angry" or "I feel sad" and so on).

• Allow Yourself to Experience Your Emotions: Instead of resisting or pushing down your emotions, you allow yourself to experience them. You are also aware that, unless you prolong the experience by ruminating about them too much or telling yourself a negative story about your emotions, emotions tend to rise, peak and subside in about 90 seconds (see my article: Managing Your Emotions: What is the Life Cycle of an Emotion?).

Allowing Yourself to Feel Your Emotions

• Identify Your Triggers: Understanding what triggered an emotion and the root cause of the trigger.

• Resist the Impulse to Avoid: Resist your usual defense mechanisms, like denial, distraction or overthinking.

• Integrate Your Emotions: Make sense of your experience within the context of your life history, including your family history.

• Take Action: Take action, if needed, to resolve a situation rather than just worrying about it.

How to Process Emotions

Psychotherapy is one of the best ways to process emotions with the help of a mental health professional, but it's not the only way.

You can also process your emotions on your own by:

• Journaling: Writing down your thoughts and emotions to get clarity (see my article: Journaling).

Processing Emotions By Journaling

• Mindfulness Meditation: Observing your thoughts and emotions without judging them or getting stuck in them (see my article: The Mind-Body Connection and Mindfulness Meditation.

Observing Emotions in Mindfulness Meditation

• Physical Movement: Yoga, exercising at a pace that's right for you and other types of physical movement can help you to release physical tension

• Breathing: Breathing exercises, like Square Breathing, can help to calm your nervous system

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have over 25 years of experience helping individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How to Stop Living Your Life on Autopilot

What is Autopilot Mode?

Autopilot is also known clinically as "cognitive disengagement."

Living on autopilot happens when you live your life based on routines, habits and external expectations instead of making conscious and intentional choices.

Getting stuck in autopilot is a common problem (see my article: How to Get Out of a Rut).

How to Stop Living Your Life on Autopilot

Many people just go through life disengaged and without joy--just going through the motions.

To stop living your life on autopilot, you can start by making small intentional changes to break repetitive pattens so you can re-engage with your life.

What Are Signs That You're Stuck in Autopilot?

• You follow the same routines every day without awareness or conscious choice.

• You lose touch with what you used to enjoy because you're just trying to "get through the day"

• You numb yourself with distractions including social media, TV and busywork.

Examples of Living on Autopilot

• Maria: Maria lived her life based on a set routine: Wake up, make coffee, cook, clean, take care of the kids. The next day she would repeat the same routines. Weekends were basically the same. She did this day after day for 10 years before she realized she had a vague sense of dissatisfaction with her life, but she didn't know why.  She began experiencing vague aches and pains so she saw her doctor who ruled out any physical problems. He recommended that she seek help in therapy. Shortly after she began therapy, Maria realized she was living her life on autopilot and she was deeply unhappy with her routines and habits, so she worked with her therapist to break free of her routines so she could live more consciously.

• Steve: Steve felt he had a great job, but in the last few years he was stagnating in his career. He realized he was intentionally avoiding taking on new projects and challenges out of fear of stepping outside his comfort zone.  He also realized that his marriage was stagnating because he and his wife had drifted into set routines where they would spend the evening either zoning out in front of the TV or on their phones. As he became more self aware, he also realized his wife was drinking a lot, but he couldn't pinpoint when this began because they were both living their lives on autopilot. So, they each sought help in individual therapy as well as couples therapy so they could break free of their routines and develop new interests separately and apart. After a while, his wife realized she was drinking out of a sense of boredom and she stopped.

How to Stop Living Your Life on Autopilot

• Interrupt the Pattern: Put down your phone and try something new. Start small with one particular habit and branch out from there. For instance, if you always eat cornflakes for breakfast, try something new. Be present and in the moment while eating or doing other tasks (see my article: Breaking Habits With Pattern Interruptions).

How to Stop Living Your Life on Autopilot

• Approach Routines With Mindfulness: Instead of zoning out while you're doing the dishes or doing other routine tasks, slow down and engage your five senses--sight, sound, smell, touch and, if applicable, taste. When you become more aware, routine tasks become a lot less routine (see my article: The Mind-Body Connection and Mindfulness Meditation).

• Think About What You Really Want to Do: Instead of focusing on what you think you should do or what's expected of you, ask yourself what you want to do. Try journaling to self reflect and see what comes up.

How to Stop Living Your Life on Autopilot

• Get Curious: Autopilot keeps you zoned out. So, getting curious about something you're interested in helps to counteract autopilot tendencies. Maybe you've always been curious about Impressionist painters, learning a new language or doing improv. Allow yourself to be open to new experiences--even if it feels a little scary at first (see my article: Being Open to New Experiences).

How to Stop Living Your Life on Autopilot

• Seek Novelty: Instead of relying on old habits and routines, be aware that autopilot thrives on habit and sameness. So, try something new. Join a book club or join a new discussion group to allow yourself to get motivated and inspired.

Get Help in Therapy

Living on autopilot might have felt safe at some point in your life. Maybe you felt comforted by routines and habits because you didn't have to think or feel. 

Getting Help in Therapy

But if you feel you're stagnating in life and you're unable to break free on your own, you could benefit from getting help from a licensed mental health professional who has helped clients to overcome this problem.

There might also be deeper reasons why you're stuck in autopilot including unresolved trauma.

Working with a skilled psychotherapist can help you to live your life with intention and purpose which will make your life more meaningful.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I have over 20 years of experience helping individual adults and couples (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Embracing Your Shadow Self

Carl Jung, the Swiss psychoanalyst, popularized the concept of the "shadow self." He believed that everyone has a shadow self that conflicts with an ideal version of how they want to see themselves. 

In this article I'm focusing on identifying the shadow self and the benefits of understanding and integrating those parts instead of trying to suppress them (see my article: What You Resist Persists: The More You Resist What You Don't Like About Yourself the More It Persists).

What is the Shadow Self?

The shadow self consists of the parts of yourself, including thoughts, feelings and behavior, that you find difficult to accept because these parts don't fit with how you think you "should" be.

Embracing Your Shadow Self

The story of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde is an example of how someone, who doesn't embrace his shadow self, experiences a strong internal conflict. 

Dr. Jekyll attempts to split off the parts of himself that he feels are evil. These parts turn into Mr. Hyde. The more he tries to suppress his shadow self, the more powerful it becomes until it becomes all encompassing.

Here is a modern day example:  A woman believes she should always be a loving daughter towards her mean and critical mother. Whenever resentment towards her mother comes into her awareness, she tries to suppress it because it doesn't fit in with how she believes an ideal daughter should feel towards her mother. 

The more she tries to suppress her resentment, the more unhappy and anxious she becomes because it takes increasing effort to suppress these feelings. And, since she can't completely suppress her resentment towards her mother, her anger comes out unexpectedly in ways that make her feel ashamed and guilty afterwards.

Sometimes when her anger towards her mother is strong, she displaces it onto her husband and children. Other times she snaps at coworkers. And, when her mother is especially critical of her, she is shocked by how she eventually loses her temper with her mother.  Then, she feels remorse, shame and guilt, and she redoubles her efforts to suppress her anger, and the cycle continues.

How to Embrace Your Shadow Self

Since everyone has a shadow self and suppressing it only makes you feel worse, learning to embrace your shadow self is important for your mental health and sense of well-being.

Shadow work involves gently bringing these split off and disowned parts of yourself into your awareness (see my article: Making the Unconscious Conscious and Discovering and Giving Voice to Disowned Parts of Yourself).

Embracing Your Shadow Self: Making the Unconscious Conscious

The following suggestions can be helpful to embrace your shadow self:

• Get Curious: Instead of having a negative and judgmental attitude towards disowned parts of yourself, get curious about them. An open curious attitude can help these parts to emerge into your consciousness.

• Meditate: Mindfulness Meditation is a good way to observe your thoughts and feelings in a nonjudgmental way.

• Write in a Journal: Journaling allows you to transfer your thoughts and feelings from your mind onto paper. It helps to concretize the many different parts of yourself so that you can reflect on them. As part of journaling, you can ask yourself:

• What were you taught as a child about the parts of yourself you find difficult to accept now?

• As a child, were you allowed to express these aspects of yourself or were you punished for it?

• If you weren't allowed to express these thoughts and feelings, what did you do with them? 

• Are your current negative thoughts and feelings about yourself and/or a significant relationship in your life?

• What type of people or situations trigger negative feelings in you? Are these feelings related to aspects of yourself that you consider to be unacceptable?

• Get Help From a Therapist Who Does Parts Work: Parts work, like Ego States Therapy, is designed to help you to identify and integrate all the parts of yourself including the ones you find challenging to accept. Ego States Therapy allows you to develop an accepting attitude towards all parts of yourself so that these parts can coexist together. In Ego States Therapy, you learn that the parts of you that you want to disown often have a protective intention but, because they remain split off and unintegrated, they can come up in unhealthy ways. You also learn that by having an internal dialog with those parts, they can serve you in healthy ways (see my article: How Parts Work Helps to Empower You).

Get Help in Therapy

If you're struggling with parts of yourself you find difficult to accept, seek help from a licensed mental health professional.

Parts Work, like Ego States Therapy, can help you to identify and, eventually, accept the parts of yourself with compassion.  

By maintaining an internal dialog with these parts, you learn to develop these parts into healthy aspects of yourself.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a psychotherapist who does Parts Work so you can live a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing, Ego States and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

What's the Difference Between Fear and Anxiety?

The words "fear" and "anxiety" are often used interchangeably.  While fear and anxiety often occur together, they're not the same.

What's the Difference Between Fear and Anxiety?
While fear is an emotional response to a known threat, anxiety is more of a vague feeling of apprehension.  Anxiety can also be a response to an unknown threat.  

For instance, with regard to fear, if someone approaches you in an aggressive and menacing way, your response will be one of fear.  This person is a specific, real, present and immediate possible danger.

What is the Difference Between Fear and Anxiety?

Anxiety is often about an anticipated event.  

For instance, if you're afraid of flying and you have an upcoming flight, you will probably feel anxious about the upcoming flight.  When you're on the plane, you will experience fear because it's happening in the here and now.

The distinctions between fear and anxiety might be subtle, but it will help you to be able t distinguish the difference.

Symptoms of Anxiety:
Anxiety can cause some or all of the following symptoms:

• muscle pain and tension
• headaches
• insomnia
• chest pain
• excessive sweating
• shaking and trembling
• racing heart
• upset stomach
• irritable bowel syndrome (IBS)
• panic
• dizziness
• feeling faint

Fear can cause anxiety and vice versa.

Fear and Anxiety Produce a Stress Response
Both fear and anxiety produce the fight or flight response.  The reason this is an important automatic response is because if you were in real danger, this response would help you to survive.

For instance, if you were on a path and you saw a snake, your automatic response would be to jump away before you even thought about it.  In times of danger, you don't want to stop to think--you need to react quickly to protect yourself.  Even a microsecond can make a difference in a dangerous situation.

On the other hand, if, after you had the flight response, you realized that what you thought was a snake was actually a stick, your body would start to calm down because you no longer need to flee.

There is also the freeze response which occurs when you can neither fight nor flee (see my article: Overcoming the Freeze Response).

Self Help Tips For Coping With Fear and Anxiety
There are certain things that you can do to overcome fear and anxiety.  See my articles:

Journal Writing to Relieve Stress and Anxiety
Learning to Stay Calm During Stressful Times
Finding Inner Peace During Uncertain Times
Self Care: Feeling Entitled to Take Care of Yourself
The Mind-Body Connection: Mindfulness Meditation
Self Reflection and Basic Mindfulness
Research Shows That Meditation Can Change Your Brain
Learning to Relax: Square Breathing
Staying Calm When You're in the Middle of Chaos
Finding Moments of Peace During Stressful Times
Self Soothing Techniques to Use When You're Feeling Distressed
Learning to Relax: Going on an Internal Retreat
Discovering the Quiet Place Within Yourself

Getting Help in Therapy
If you're suffering with chronic fear or anxiety, you could benefit from getting help from a licensed mental health professional, who has experience helping clients to overcome fear and anxiety (see my articles: Psychotherapy For Anxiety Disorders and How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

Rather than struggling on your own, you could learn how to overcome your fear or anxiety, so you could lead a calmer, more peaceful life with a sense of well-being.

If your fear and anxiety is related to unresolved trauma, you could benefit from working with a psychotherapist who specializes in treating trauma.

A trauma therapist is a licensed psychotherapist who is specialist trained specifically in helping clients to overcome both trauma related to one-time events as well as developmental trauma, which is repeated trauma and loss from childhood. 

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT for couples,  Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist (see my article:  The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I have helped many clients to overcome their fear and anxiety (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Changing the Negative Stories You Tell Yourself

Do you have negative stories you tell yourself about who you are? 

If you do, you're not alone. These stories are shaped by your experiences and they also shape your perception of yourself.  So, if the narrative you are telling yourself is negative, you're likely to believe these distortions.

See my articles: 

How Psychotherapy Can Help You to Change Distorted Thinking

5 Steps For Challenging Distorted Negative Thoughts About Yourself

Changing the Negative Stories You Tell Yourself About Who You Are

In Mark Epstein's books,  Going on Being and The Zen of Psychotherapy, he discusses the negative narratives his clients often cling to and how it affects their perspective of themselves.  He discusses this based on the intersection of psychotherapy and Buddhism.  However, to benefit from these concepts, you don't have to believe in Buddhism or even be a spiritual person.

How Do Personal Narratives Develop?

Personal narratives are developed through your early experiences even before you have any awareness of them and the effect they have on you.  This means they are often unconscious (see my article: Making the Unconscious Conscious).

Personal narratives are often impacted by the hopes and fears your parents had for you if they projected these stories onto you. Then, you take them in on a deep level even before you are aware of it.

For instance, if you grew up with parents who told you that you could strive to accomplish whatever you want, all other things being equal, you will most likely grow up feeling self confident and entitled to pursue your dreams.  

But if you grew up in a family where your parents believed the world is a dangerous place  and you shouldn't expect too much in your life, you will probably feel anxious and scared to pursue your dreams or you might not even allow yourself to have personal hopes and dreams. (see my article: Overcoming the Effects of Childhood Trauma).

Becoming Aware of Your Personal Narrative

Before you can change your personal narrative, you need to become aware of the stories you are telling yourself (see my article: Developing Self Awareness and Making Personal Changes).

This can be challenging because, as previously mentioned, these old stories develop so early and they become ingrained in you.  Over time, you might have even come to develop a strong identification with these stories--so much so you don't experience any separation between the stories you are telling yourself and who you really are. So, you need to have a way of observing your personal narrative.  

Many people find mindfulness meditation to be an effective way to observe and become aware of the thoughts and emotions.

When you begin a mindfulness practice, you might find yourself distracted by irrelevant thoughts and other distractions.  But if you continue to develop your mindfulness practice over time and you can let go of self judgment, you can begin to notice and question these negative perceptions.

People often think they aren't supposed to have unrelated thoughts during mindfulness meditation, but your thoughts will automatically come.  Rather than expecting not to have thoughts or trying to suppress these thoughts, just observe them and then let them go as if they could float away on a cloud.

Changing the Stories You Tell Yourself About Who You Are

Awareness is the first step.  

Are you happy with what you have observed?  Is this what you want for yourself?

After you become aware of an old negative narrative, you can attempt to step outside your experience to question whether this narrative is true and ask yourself where it came from (see my article: You Can't Change Your Past, But You Can Change How Your Past Affects You Now).

It's not unusual for there to be unconscious reasons for maintaining and reinforcing negative stories based on your fears about change.  There might be an unconscious belief that by maintaining the status quo, you are keeping yourself "safe."  But playing it "safe" can also keep you stuck (see my article: Are Your Core Beliefs Keeping You Stuck?).

Journaling about what came up in your meditation is helpful in terms of making sense of and questioning your thoughts and emotions about yourself.

Where is the evidence for the negative stories you are telling yourself?  

Can you consider other alternatives?

Rewriting Your Personal Narrative

What if you write a new narrative that is closer to your authentic self and you step into that narrative to see how that change feels (see my article: Becoming Your True Self)?

Rewriting your narrative doesn't mean you tell yourself you had a wonderful childhood if you didn't. That would be a false narrative.

Instead, acknowledge your negative memories, write about them and, without negating the traumatic impact they had on you, also look at what you might have gained from these experiences so you can begin to reframe them in a larger perspective.  

For instance, in addition to the adversity and emotional pain, did you learn anything of value from them?  Did you develop strengths as a result of these struggles?

When you discover and acknowledge the strengths you developed as a result of these experiences, you can begin to see your personal narrative with a new expanded perspective.

Overcoming Trauma That Affects Your Perception of Yourself

When you are struggling with unresolved trauma you developed early in your life, you might be too overwhelmed by emotional triggers and related thoughts and emotions you developed from the trauma.

Although you can still look at your personal narrative in a larger perspective, when your trauma symptoms are active, you will probably need the help of a therapist who is a trauma specialist to help you overcome these symptoms and the related negative personal stories you tell yourself (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

In the next article, I'll expand on this discussion: How a Negative Personal Narrative Develops From Unresolved Trauma and How Trauma Therapy Can Help).

Getting Help in Therapy

By definition, trauma is overwhelming.

If you are struggling with unresolved trauma, you owe it to yourself to seek help from a licensed mental health professional who helps clients to overcome trauma.

Freeing Yourself From Effects of Your Traumatic History

Freeing yourself from the effects of your traumatic history can change how you feel about yourself and allow you to lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

One of my specialties is helping clients to overcome trauma.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Sexual Wellness: Discovering Your Peak Sexual Experiences

In the past, I've discussed exploring your sexual fantasies as a way to discover what you like sexually.  In this article, I'm offering a writing exercise to delve deeper to discover your peak sexual experiences (see my articles: Sexual Pleasure and Discovering Your Erotic Self, Exploring Sexual Fantasies Without Shame and Guilt, 7 Core Sexual Fantasies and Women's Sexual Self Discovery).

Discovering Your Peak Sexual Experiences

For many people thinking about peak sexual experiences (or any sexual experiences) is easier said than done. Shame and guilt, which are often related to religious or cultural taboos or to a strict upbringing where sex wasn't discussed, are often major obstacles (see my article: Understanding Your Sexual Accelerators and Brakes).

As a result, many individuals don't allow themselves to have sexual fantasies or if they realize they're having a sexual fantasy, they shut it down before the fantasy has time to develop.  So, in situations like this, the process of sexual self discovery can involve seeking help in therapy (see the section below on Getting Help in Therapy).

Discovering Your Peak Erotic Experiences

Assuming you feel comfortable enough to explore what you want sexually, one way to begin this exploration is by thinking back to sexual experiences or fantasies you've had in the past to discover your peak sexual experiences (see my articles: Reviving Your Sex Life By Learning About Your Peak Sexual Experiences and The 2021 Self Pleasure Survey).

As I mentioned in my prior article, Dr. Jack Morin, who wrote The Erotic Mind: Unlocking the Inner Sources of Passion and Fulfillment, recommends remembering your peak sexual experiences as one way to discover what you like sexually.

Thinking back to memories of peak sexual experiences allows you to define and explore what you enjoyed sexually.  

Writing about it in a journal, which you keep in a private place, allows you to delve deeper to provide yourself with more details about these experiences.

What Were Your Most Satisfying Sexual Experiences?

Take your time to think about these memories and when you write about them, give as much detail as possible on each one, including:

• What was the situation?

• Who were you with?

• Where were you?

• What sexual activities were you engaged in at the time (be specific)?

• What got you sexually turned on?

• What were you thinking?

• What were you feeling emotionally?

What sensations were you experiencing?

• What did you see?
• What did you hear? 
• What did you feel (physical sensations)
• What did you smell?
• What did you taste?

If you're having problems remembering the details, one way you can enhance your memories is by listening to music from that time.  

Sound can be evocative.  For instance, if your memories are from a different time in your life, what were some of the songs you liked listening to at that time?

Similarly, smell can be evocative.  For example, if you or your partner in your memory wore a certain cologne or aftershave, smelling that scent can bring you back to that memory in a deeper way.  Another example of scent could be your partner's personal scent.

After you've written down your peak sexual experiences, read them to yourself to get a sense of whether there are particular themes.

Making connections between themes you discover in your memories can give you more information about what you like.

For instance, according to Dr. Morin, sexual attraction plus obstacles often lead to sexual excitement, so think about whether there were particular obstacles to overcome or a forbidden  quality to any of these experiences that made these experiences exciting.

I'll continue to discuss this topic in my next article.

Getting Help in Therapy

As mentioned earlier, many people find it hard to think about their past sexual experiences due to strong inhibitions or a history of trauma.

If you're struggling with conflicting emotions about sex, a history of trauma or other experiences that are keeping you from exploring your sexual desires, you could benefit from working with a licensed psychotherapist who has experience with these issues.

Overcoming emotional obstacles can free you from your history so you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individuals and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.