Arousal Nonconcordance and a History of Sexual Abuse

This article was updated on September 19, 2026.

Arousal nonconcordance is the physiological phenomenon where a person's physical body responds sexually (such as through lubrication or erection) while their mind feels zero emotional or psychological desire. For survivors of sexual trauma, understanding this disconnect is a vital step toward healing and releasing unearned shame.

Understanding the disconnect between mind and body is a powerful first step toward trauma recovery and reclaiming your narrative.

Topics:

• What is Arousal Nonconcordance?
• The Difference Between Sexual Desire vs. Sexual Arousal
• Examples of Arousal Nonconcordance
• The Connection to Trauma and Memories of Sexual Abuse
• How Trauma Healing and Role Play Can Empower Survivors
• Finding the Right Trauma-Informed Sex Therapist

What is Arousal Nonconcordance?

Arousal nonconcordance occurs when there is a distinct disconnect between how someone feels physically and how they feel emotionally and psychologically.

Essentially, it means physical signs of sexual response do not automatically equal psychological desire. It manifests in two distinct ways:

• A person feels physically aroused, but they do not want to have sex.
• A person emotionally desires sex, but their body does not respond with physical arousal.

(For a deeper dive into the foundations of this concept, see my companion article: What is Arousal Nonconcordance?)

The Difference Between Sexual Desire vs. Sexual Arousal

To fully understand this concept, it helps to distinguish between the mind's intent and the body's autonomous reflexes.

• Sexual Desire: This is a purely psychological state. Often described as being "in the mood," desire is a state of mind heavily influenced by emotions, thoughts, stress levels, relationship dynamics, and the immediate context.
• Sexual Arousal: This is an autonomous physical response. It involves involuntary physiological changes, such as increased blood flow to the genitals, lubrication, or erection. Arousal is frequently triggered by automatic physical cues, visual stimuli, touch or sudden memories.

While sexual desire and sexual arousal frequently occur together, they operate on separate systems. Arousal nonconcordance is the clear proof that your body can react independently of your conscious mind.

Examples of Arousal Nonconcordance:

The following clinical vignettes, which are composite cases, illustrate how common and varied this experience is across different relationships:

• Liz and Jane (Lubrication vs. Desire): Liz feels deeply turned on while kissing Jane. However, when Jane touches Liz's genitals, she notices Liz feels dry. Jane assumes this means Liz doesn't want to have sex and stops. Liz gently tells her that even though her body hasn't caught up yet, she intensely desires Jane. They communicate, continue kissing, and enjoy making love.
• Mary and Bill (Unwanted Physical Arousal): Bill touches Mary's genitals to initiate sex. Mary has a severe headache and explicitly states she is not in the mood. Confused, Bill says, "But you're wet, how are you not in the mood?" Mary explains that her body's lubrication is just an automatic reflex, but she lacks the psychological desire to have sex right now. They wait until morning, when Mary feels better, to enjoy intimacy.
• John and Ed (Desire vs. Erection Performance): While in bed, John tells Ed he wants to have sex. During foreplay, Ed notices John does not have an erection and withdraws, assuming John isn't attracted to him. John reassures Ed that he desires him completely, but anxiety is blocking his physical response. After cuddling quietly to calm John's nervous system, his body relaxes and he achieves an erection.

Arousal Nonconcordance and Memories of Sexual Abuse

Understanding arousal nonconcordance is absolutely critical for individuals navigating a history of sexual abuse or managing unexpected sexual trauma triggers.

Why Does the Body Get Aroused During Abuse?

During an assault, or when experiencing intrusive memories of past trauma, the human body may automatically lubricate or erect. This is an involuntary, biological survival reflex. The body reacts to physical touch or heightened nervous system arousal to protect itself from tissue damage. It does not mean the victim enjoyed, wanted, or consented to the abuse.

Overcoming the Cycle of Shame and Self-Blame

Because many survivors are unaware of how arousal nonconcordance works, experiencing a physical reaction during or after an assault causes immense confusion. Survivors frequently experience:

• Intense feelings of shame, guilt, and self-blame.
• The mistaken belief that they "secretly wanted it" or that "something is wrong with them."
• Distressing flashbacks triggered during healthy, consensual intimacy (see my guide on Coping With Trauma: Managing Sexual Triggers).

If you experienced physical arousal during trauma, there is absolutely nothing wrong with you. You are not to blame. Your body simply did what it was biologically wired to do to protect itself.

How Trauma Healing and Roleplay Can Empower Survivors

Every survivor's healing journey looks completely different. While some people choose to accept their body's automatic responses and move forward, others actively use creative clinical strategies to reclaim their bodily autonomy.

One therapeutic approach involves consensual trauma-informed roleplay with a trusted, safe partner. During the original trauma, the survivor had zero control over their body or the outcome. In a structured, highly communicative roleplay setting, the survivor uses their imagination to dictate the rules, set firm boundaries, and experience a safe, completely different outcome. By rewriting the script, the roleplay acts as a powerful tool for emotional somatic healing.

Finding the Right Trauma-Informed Sex Therapist

The vast majority of general mental health professionals receive very little, if any, training in human sexuality, and many do not understand the mechanics of arousal nonconcordance.

If you want to safely process unwanted physical responses, heal from trauma, and rebuild a fulfilling intimate life, it is essential to work with a practitioner dually trained in both sex therapy and trauma resolution (learn more here: What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?).

About Josephine Ferraro, LCSW

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, Certified Sex Therapist and Trauma Specialist with over 20 years of experience helping individuals and couples heal trauma and reclaim their intimacy in my office in Greenwich Village, New York City (10011) and online.

My practice integrates specialized modalities including EMDR, AEDP, IFS, Somatic Experiencing, Hypnotherapy, and Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) for individuals and couples.

I offer a complementary 15 minute phone call before setting up an appointment.

Ready to reclaim your narrative?
To set up a private consultation at my NYC practice, contact me today:

• Phone: (917) 742-2624
• Website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist
• Email: josephineferraro@iCloud.com

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Discovering Your Happiness Triggers

I'm discussing  triggers from a different perspective than how I usually discuss them as a trauma therapist (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

What Are Triggers?

Therapists, especially trauma therapists, tend to focus on trauma triggers because it's helpful for traumatized clients to know how to recognize and cope with triggers. But it's also important to recognize happiness triggers to add to the quality of your life.

Although the word "trigger" tends to have a negative connotation, psychologically speaking, triggers are neither negative or positive. Triggers are experiences that evoke memories. 

What Are Happiness Triggers?

Happiness triggers refers to rituals and routines we engage in to tap into positive memories and cultivate positive experiences.

Discovering Your Happiness Triggers

The term "happiness triggers" is usually associated with Valorie Burton, life coach, author and motivational speaker.

What Are the Benefits of Discovering Your Happiness Triggers?

Discovering your happiness triggers can be a way of starting new positive habits because these triggers are associated with positive experiences and they can motivate you to develop positive habits.

Happiness triggers can also serve as an anchor in your life.

When happiness triggers evoke positive experiences, they access positive memories that are neurochemically wired in your brain.  

Happiness triggers can also help to pull you out of a funk when you're feeling low.

How to Develop Happiness Triggers

Happiness triggers are based on individual experiences, memories, needs, interests and values so they will be unique for each person.

Discovering Your Happiness Triggers

To discover your own unique happiness triggers, start by thinking about the small things in your life in the present or in the past that lift your mood and energy. It can be as simple as the ritual of having your morning coffee or tea, listening to your favorite podcast, taking a walk in the park and so on.

If you're still unsure, practice being present in the moment to experiences that bring you joy. Pay attention to your bodily experiences when you experience memories that were joyful or  evoke a sense of well-being.

Happiness Triggers Require Practice

Once you have discovered your unique happiness triggers, you need to practice them over and over again in order to develop them into positive habits.

These new habits can include behavioral, cognitive (thinking) or emotional triggers.

Behavioral Happiness Triggers

Behavioral happiness might include:

• Exercising

• Yoga
  

Discovering Your Happiness Triggers

• Going for a walk in nature

• Dancing

• Listening to music

• Performing an act of kindness for someone

• Reading a favorite book

• Engaging in a favorite hobby

Cognitive (Thinking) Happiness Triggers

Cognitive happiness triggers might include:

• Reframing negative thoughts with positive self talk or affirmations

• Making friends with your inner critic

• Recalling and re-experiencing positive memories and experiences

• Practicing mindfulness meditation
  

Emotional Happiness Triggers

• Practicing gratitude by keeping a gratitude journal

• Practicing acceptance and self compassion

Discovering Your Happiness Triggers

• Engaging your five senses (sight, sound, taste, smell and touch)

• Getting a massage

• Getting a manicure

• Playing a sport

• Connecting or reconnecting with a friend or loved one

Conclusion

Developing and practicing happiness triggers can increase your sense of joy and well-being.

Discovering Your Happiness Triggers

You can also discover happiness triggers by connecting to your inner world and connecting to a loved one to discover what is most meaningful and fulfilling to you.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I have over 20 years of experience helping individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

What Are Involuntary Memories?

As a trauma therapist, I help clients to overcome unresolved trauma by using various trauma therapy modalities, so working with memories related to unresolved trauma is an essential part of my work. As a result, memories are very much on my mind most of the time.

What Are Involuntary Memories?

Whereas voluntary memories are deliberate efforts to recall the past, involuntary memories come unbidden.  

Involuntary Memories

Involuntary memories are often evoked by everyday occurrences and they're usually sudden and unexpected.

Involuntary memories are more intense than voluntary memories and they can have a major impact on you how you feel physically, emotionally and mentally.

These types of memories often have the following characteristics:

• They are related to cues in the environment. They can also involve a person's thoughts or emotions as well as their embodied sense of themselves from an earlier time.

• They come spontaneously and unbidden.

• They occur effortlessly at any time and any place.

• Some people experience involuntary memories while they're grieving such as when they're listening to music or smell a scent closely related to the deceased person, like a particular perfume.

• These type of memories can cause a chain reaction of thoughts, feelings and embodied sensations.

• They are more likely connected to specific events or people.

• They can provide a strong sense of yourself from a long time ago, including a sense of who you were when you were a child (or any other time) that you might have forgotten.

• They can transport you back to happy times in your life.

• They can transport you back to unhappy times in your life.

• Recurrent involuntary memories related to PTSD (posttraumatic stress disorder) where thoughts and emotions are intrusive and disturbing are a subcategory of involuntary memories (see my article: What Are Emotional Flashbacks Related to Trauma?).

Involuntary Memories in Proust's In Search of Lost Time

Involuntary memories are actually more common than most people think. 

I recently started rereading In Search of Lost Time by Marcel Proust.

This novel offers one of the most famous examples of an involuntary memory.

Involuntary Memories in In Search of Lost Time

As an adult, the novel's narrator remembers long-forgotten childhood memories when he tastes a madeleine cookie dipped in tea. He wasn't trying to evoke any memories. He was just enjoying his cookie and lime-flower tea and when these memories came back to him spontaneously.

From there, he experienced a cascade of childhood memories he had not thought about in a long time.

Aside from the famous madeleine cookie, the narrator had several other experiences with involuntary memories through ordinary everyday experiences, including stumbling on an uneven paving stone which transports him back to memories of Venice.

Experiencing Yourself the Way You Were at an Earlier Time in Your Life

When people experience an involuntary memory, they're not just recalling the facts about the memory. They're usually experiencing themselves the way they were at that time.

I had an experience with an involuntary memory about 20 years ago. 

It was an ordinary day and I was walking down the street in my neighborhood. Suddenly I detected a strong pleasant sweet scent, which brought up wistful feelings in me. 

I had to stop walking in order to figure out what was happening. 

Even though, at first, I couldn't identify the smell, that sweet scent transported me back to a time when I was five or six years old and I was sitting on the living room couch with my father in our old apartment.

It wasn't just that I was remembering sitting in the living room with my father--I was feeling how I felt back then when I was a child.

Involuntary Memories

Within seconds I realized that the sweet scent was the same as my father's cherry blend pipe tobacco and this scent was transporting me back to an early memory.

All of this happened within a matter of seconds and the experience was so fleeting that it was gone just as quickly as it came.

The narrator in In Search of Lost Time was also transported back to his childhood experiences of family visits to his Aunt Leonie's home in Combray, a small town just outside of Paris. 

He had an embodied experience of that time, including how he felt when, as a child, he was waiting for his mother's good night kiss.

Conclusion

Involuntary memories allow you to experience yourself as you were in the memory that is being evoked.

These memories can be evoked spontaneously by what you see, hear, smell, taste and feel (tactile sensations) and they can be transformational experiences.

Although you can attempt to bring back voluntary memories based on sensory experiences or through auto-suggestion, due to their involuntary nature, involuntary memories come unbidden.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adult and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.