Overcoming Fear of Abandonment in Trauma Therapy

Fear of abandonment is an issue that is more common than most people realize.  

Fear of Abandonment

Prior Articles

In the past, I have written about abandonment issues in prior articles including:

Self Abandonment - Part 1 and Part 2

How to Overcome Fear of Abandonment

The Current Article

The current article will focus on:

• What is Fear of Abandonment?

• What Causes Fear of Abandonment?

• What Are Signs and Symptoms of Fear of Abandonment?

• How Can Trauma Therapy Help to Heal Fear of Abandonment?

What is Fear of Abandonment?

Some of the signs and symptoms of fear of abandonment might include some or all of the following:

• Fear of Rejection: People who have abandonment issues often have a fear of being rejected--even when there is no objective reason to have this fear.

• Difficulty Trusting Others: A fear of trusting others often involves a fear that someone will hurt or leave them.

Fear of Abandonment

• Dependency: A fear of abandonment can lead to someone becoming overly dependent on others to give them reassurance and validation.

• Relationship Problems: This includes getting involved in a relationship too quickly, making unhealthy relationship choices, sabotaging a relationship or staying in an unhealthy relationship to avoid being alone (see my article: Is Your Fear of Being Alone Keeping You in an Unhealthy Relationship?).

• Low Self Esteem: Low self esteem can create difficulties in all areas of life including developing connections with others (see my article: Overcoming Low Self Esteem).

What Causes Fear of Abandonment?

Fear of abandonment can develop in many different ways.

The most common reason for abandonment issues is childhood trauma including:

• Losing a Parent (see my article: Fatherless Daughters)

• Childhood Emotional Neglect (see my article: What is Childhood Emotional Neglect?)

• Inconsistent and/or Chaotic Caregiving (see my article: Dynamics of Adult Children From Dysfunctional Families)

• Physical and/or sexual abuse

Other possible causes:

• Unresolved Trauma: Physical or emotional abuse at any time in life can lead to fears of being abandoned (see my article: Unresolved Trauma Can Negatively Impact Your Ability to Be in Romantic Relationships).

• Relationship Instability: Unstable relationships can create a sense of insecurity.

What Are the Signs and Symptoms of Fear of Abandonment?

Common signs include:

• People pleasing (see my article: Trauma and the Fawn Response)

• Jealousy including:

• Jealousy of other friendships or family relationships

• Jealousy of prior relationships (see my article: Retroactive Jealousy)

Jealousy and Fear of Abandonment

• Problems trusting a significant other's intentions--even when there is no objective reason not to trust

• Difficulty being emotionally vulnerable and sexually intimate

• Needing to feel controlled by a partner

• Needing to control a partner

• Getting involved in a relationship too quickly before getting to know the other person

• Settling for an unhealthy relationship to avoid being alone

How Can Trauma Therapy Help With Fear of Abandonment?

Trauma therapy is a general term for different types of therapy developed specifically to help clients overcome trauma (see my article: How Does Trauma Therapy Work?)

Trauma therapy includes:

• EMDR Therapy

• Parts Work Therapy: Internal Family Systems (IFS) and Ego States Therapy

• AEDP (Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Therapy)

• Somatic Experiencing

• Hypnotherapy (Also known as Clinical Hypnosis)

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many different cases, illustrates how trauma therapy can help to overcome abandonment issues.

Alice

When Alice was five years old, her father left the family suddenly and they never heard from him again.

After her father left, Alice had nightmares almost every night where she saw her father and she would ask him why he left, but the dream always ended before he responded.  When she woke up in the morning, her dream seemed so real that she felt like she had actually seen her father--until she became fully awake and she realized it was a dream.

After her father abandoned the family, Alice's mother had to work three jobs to support the family, As a result, Alice spent most of the time with her elderly maternal grandparents, who criticized Alice's father to her. In response, Alice wanted to tell her grandparents that she loved and missed her father, but she was too afraid to sound like she was contradicting them, so she kept her sadness to herself.

After her father deserted the family, Alice had a hard time making friends. She lacked confidence in herself and she believed the other children didn't like her.  She was also afraid that if she tried to make friends with anyone, she would be rejected.  So, Alice spent a lot time alone in her room.

When she got to high school, she was aware that many people in her school were dating, but her self esteem was so low that she didn't believe anyone would like her.

When she got to college, she met a friendly young woman, Tina, who took Alice under her wing and introduced her to some of the other young women at the college. Tina was so outgoing and friendly that Alice met a lot of people on campus through her, but she still didn't feel confident.

After she graduated from college, Alice moved into an apartment in New York City with Tina. She found a job as a software engineer and she mostly worked on her own. Other than the friends that Tina introduced her to, Alice had no other friends of her own.

She was aware her low self esteem was holding her back personally and professionally, so she sought help in therapy to try to understand why she was having these problems.  She wanted to go out on dates, but she was afraid that if she liked someone, he might reject her.

Fear of Abandonment and Trauma Therapy

Her therapist was a trauma therapist who had advanced skills in trauma therapy.  After her therapist did a thorough family history, she traced Alice's fear of abandonment to her father's disappearance (see my article: Why is Family History Important in Therapy?).

Her therapist used a combination of EMDR Therapy and Parts Work Therapy to help Alice to heal from her trauma.

As Alice began to develop a little more self confidence, she began dating a man she met at a discussion group. Tom was kind, intelligent and patient with Alice but, even though she knew she had no objective reason for not trusting him, she had a hard time letting her guard down when she was with him (see my article: What Does Fear of Abandonment and Fear of Engulfment Look Like in a Relationship?).

Healing from her childhood trauma was neither quick nor easy. But, over time, with the help of her therapist, Alice was able to separate her childhood trauma of being abandoned by her father from her experiences with Tom (see my article: Overcoming Trauma: Learning to Separate "Then" From "Now").

Fear of Abandonment and Trauma Therapy

As she opened up more, her relationship with Tom improved and she was able to make new friends more easily.

Although she felt more emotionally secure with herself, there were still times when she had setbacks but, overall, she felt her life was opening up to new and rewarding experiences.

Conclusion

Abandonment issues usually stem from childhood issues, but they can also develop or become exacerbated by an unhealthy adult relationships or experiences.

Fear of being abandoned rarely, if ever, gets resolved on its own.

Trauma therapy is specifically designed to help clients to overcome trauma.

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

A skilled trauma therapist can help you to overcome traumatic experiences like fear of abandonment or other unresolved trauma.

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who has advanced training and skills in trauma therapy.

Overcoming trauma can help you to lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I have over 20 years of experience helping individual adults and couples to overcome trauma (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?)

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Healing Psychological Trauma By Integrating Split Off Parts of Yourself in Trauma Therapy

In my prior article, What is Hypervigilance and How Is It Related to Unresolved Trauma?, I focused on the unconscious trauma-related defense mechanism of hypervigilance.

Healing Trauma

In the current article I'm focusing on how trauma therapy can help you to integrate the various split off parts of yourself.

What Are Split Off Parts of Yourself?

When you're trying to cope as best you can with traumatic situations, a common unconscious temporary coping strategy is to "zone out" or dissociate from your thoughts, feelings or circumstances (see my article: Discovering Disowned Parts of Yourself).

Healing Trauma

This coping strategy is relevant at all ages, but it's especially relevant if you're a young child because young children haven't developed the necessary skills and strategies to deal with dysfunction happening around them--whether the dysfunction is a chaotic family, unpredictable parents, abusive or neglectful parents, substance abusing parents or other similar traumatic situations.

As a child, when you're not emotionally or psychologically equipped to deal with trauma, being able to dissociate (or "zone out") is an adaptive survival strategy when what is happening around you is overwhelming and traumatic. 

Dissociation is a way your mind protects you by compartmentalizing events or circumstances that would otherwise cause you overwhelming stress. The overwhelming stress of childhood trauma is especially difficult if there is no one to help you to manage it.

Dissociation creates a sense of detachment from overwhelming stress and it can allow you to function reasonably well in other areas of your life. 

For example, even though there might be highly traumatic dynamics in your home, if you compartmentalize these dynamics, you can excel academically or in sports and anyone who doesn't know your family dynamics might not be aware that you're being traumatized at home because you appear to be a "normal" child in every other way.

Why is Integrating Split Off Parts of Yourself Essential For Healing from Trauma?

Everything I have mentioned so far about dissociation sounds adaptive, so why is there a need to integrate the parts of yourself that have been dissociated?

As I mentioned previously, dissociation is a temporary unconscious solution during traumatic circumstances but, as an adult, you pay a price for the parts of yourself you have dissociated.

Healing Trauma

First, it's important to understand that, unlike dissociation, psychological integration is a strong indicator of positive mental health because it involves bringing together various parts of your personality, thoughts, feelings and behavior into a cohesive whole. 

Second, psychological integration leads to increased self awareness, self reflective capacity, emotional regulation and resilience.

However, when you have dissociated parts of yourself, you can experience a lack of self awareness and emotional dysregulation and a lack of psychological integration.

Dissociated parts can also create problems in your adult relationships because you might externalize your problems by blaming others and projecting dissociated negative feelings about yourself on your partner, which can be an obstacle to healthy relationships.

How Does Trauma Therapy Help to Integrate Split Off Parts of Yourself

Trauma therapy is an umbrella term for many different types of therapy including:

• EMDR Therapy (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing)

• Somatic Experiencing
  

• AEDP (Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy)

• Parts Work Therapy (including Internal Family Systems, also known as IFS, and Ego States Therapy)

• Hypnotherapy (also known as Clinical Hypnosis)
  

Clinical Vignette

As mentioned above, there are different types of trauma therapy. 

The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many cases, illustrates how Parts Work Therapy can help with integrating dissociated parts:

Bob

When he was a child, Bob grew up in a family where his father was a severe alcoholic and his mother had an eating disorder. 

Whenever Bob's father, Jim, drank at night, he would become enraged, scream at Bob's mother, Bob and his two older brothers. Sometimes Jim would get so angry that he would go on a drunken rampage throughout the house where he would break furniture.

Bob's mother, Anna, was so frightened that she would cower in the corner of the room with Bob and his brothers. She was afraid Jim might physically abuse them. Although he never got violent with them, there was always the fear that his drunken rage would end in physical violence.

After his drunken rampages, Jim would be physically exhausted. Then, he would beg Anna to help him to go up the stairs to bed. At that point, Anna was so relieved his rage was over that she would help him to walk up the stairs so he could collapse in his bed.

Afterwards, Anna would come downstairs in a state of anxiety and she would binge eat. Typically, she would eat a few boxes of donuts, cereal, cookies, a couple of bags of potato chips and leftovers from dinner until she felt sick and then she would go upstairs to sleep in a separate bedroom from Jim.

After their father went to sleep, Bob's brothers would disappear into their own bedrooms and lock their doors. As a result, Bob was left alone with no one to talk to about his father's drunken rampage and his mother's eating disorder.  So, he would climb the stairs to his own bedroom and stare at the ceiling for hours until he eventually fell asleep.

Healing Trauma in Trauma Therapy

As an adult, when Bob started trauma therapy, he didn't remember much of his childhood at first. He remembered doing well academically and in sports, but the rest of his childhood was a blur because he had dissociated it.

He sought help in therapy because he was having problems in his relationship with Nina, a woman he had been dating for a year. She asked him to get help because she was fed up with him blaming her for his problems.

Before processing the trauma, his therapist worked with Bob to help him to develop better coping skills. She taught him mindfulness meditation. She also encouraged him to journal to increase his self reflective capacity.

When his therapist assessed he was prepared to process his traumatic childhood, she introduced him to Parts Work Therapy (see my article: Getting to Know the Many Parts of Yourself in Parts Work Therapy).

They started slowly so Bob could get the sense of what it means to have different internal aspects of himself. Gradually, he became aware that, just like everyone else, he had many internal parts and shifting self states and this was normal (see my article: Understanding. Your Shifting Self States).

When his therapist assessed Bob was ready to work on his unresolved trauma, she asked him to bring in pictures of himself from childhood. Since his family didn't take a lot of pictures when he was a child, Bob could only find two pictures of himself.

He hadn't seen these pictures in a long time and when he looked at them in his therapy session, he was surprised to see himself as a young child sitting by himself with a blank stare. It was at that moment when Bob understood how dissociated he had been when he was a child. 

He also realized why he didn't have many memories from that time--his experiences had been dissociated and compartmentalized so that they were inaccessible to him at that point.

As Bob gazed at his pictures, he felt a deep sense of compassion for his childhood self and Parts Work Therapy helped him to reconnect to that part of himself (see my article: Self Compassion as an Essential Part of Trauma Recovery.

Over time, Bob sensed his younger self coming alive again. He was able to reconnect with his younger self and imagine he could give his younger self what he didn't get as a child.

Healing Trauma in Trauma Therapy

Gradually, as Bob became more psychologically integrated, he developed a greater sense of self awareness, self reflective capacity and a capacity for emotional regulation.  

His girlfriend noticed the difference which helped to improve their relationship.

After he overcame his anger towards his parents, Bob felt compassion for them too because he realized each of them had been traumatized when they were younger (see my article: What is Intergenerational Trauma?).

Conclusion

Dissociation is a unconscious survival strategy that temporarily helps to deal with overwhelming events or circumstances.

However, over time, even though dissociation is temporarily helpful, it creates problems in terms of a lack of psychological integration.

Traumatic dissociation, especially dissociation that occurs over time, is an obstacle to psychological integration and positive mental health.

Trauma therapy can help to integrate the dissociated parts of yourself so you can develop increased self awareness, emotional regulation and healthy relationships.

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

If you think unresolved trauma is an obstacle to your well-being, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who is a trauma therapist.

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

A skilled trauma therapist, who has advanced skills and training in trauma recovery, can help you to work through unresolved trauma.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help in trauma therapy so you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I have over 20 years of experience helping individual adults and couples (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

I offer in person therapy in my Greenwich Village office or online sessions.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

What is Hypervigilance and How is it Related to Unresolved Psychological Trauma?

Hypervigilance is a heightened state of awareness that allows humans to sense threats in their environment.

Hypervigilance and Psychological Trauma

People who are in a perpetual state of hypervigilance feel like they are constantly under a threat.  The part of the human brain that manages emotions, the amygdala, is in overdrive.

What Causes Hypervigilance?

This article focuses on psychological trauma. However, there are other potential mental and physical causes of hypervigilance including:

• Anxiety
  

• Panic Attacks
  

• Depression
  

• Dementia

• Adrenal Disorders

• Fibromyalgia 

Hypervigilance and Unresolved Childhood Trauma

Children who grow up in a dysfunctional family where parents might be unpredictable, violent, abusing substances, physically abusive or neglectful learn to be hypervigilant as an unconscious survival strategy. They learn to sense their parents' shifting moods so they can be ready at all times to protect their safety.

Hypervigilance and Unresolved Childhood Trauma

Without help in therapy, these traumatized children usually grow up to be traumatized adults and they continue to be hypervigilant in their surroundings.

Examples of Hypervigilance in Adults

• Hypervigilance to Their Surroundings: People who grew up in an abusive family or who experienced abusive relationships as an adult might have a strong startle response reflex where they are startled by the slightest sound or movement.

• Hypervigilance to Other People's Thoughts, Feelings and Behavior: People who experience hypervigilance might be very observant of other people's thoughts, feelings, behavior and body language for any signs of change or potential danger.

• Hypervigilance of Their Own Body: People who experience serious medical problems or who have someone close to them who have experienced serious medical problems are often hypervigilant of their own body. A minor experience of pain might be perceived as a catastrophic disease.

Hypervigilance and Catastrophizinglo

• Hypervigilance and Catastrophizing: People who are hypervigilant tend to create negative narratives in their mind which can spin out of control. Small things, like a friend not responding to a text immediately, can develop into a catastrophic story where the friend has died. Even when things are going well, people who are hypervigilant might find it difficult to enjoy happy times because they are always waiting for the other shoe to drop (see my article: Are You Catastrophizing?).

• Hypervigilance and Insecurities: Since hypervigilance is mostly about preventing or avoiding potential threats, people who are hypervigilant might attempt to ward off threats by people pleasing or fawning. They might struggle with regulating their emotions or trusting others. They might have problems letting their guard down so they can relax or they might be fearful they will say or do the "wrong thing" (see my article: Trauma and the Fawn Response

• Hypervigilance and Avoidant Behavior: People who struggle with hypervigilance can be avoidant in ways that are detrimental to themselves and others. They might avoid people, places and things they fear. This can cause problems in their personal life as well as their career. For instance, if they experience minor turbulence on a plane trip, they might avoid ever getting on a plane again--even if it means they won't see close friends or family members or they might lose a job that involves travel. Another example is if someone is in a minor car accident where no one was hurt, they might avoid driving again--even if it means they can't visit people close to them or go to work.  A third example: If someone goes through a bad breakup, they might avoid dating or getting into another relationship. In other words, many other people, who don't experience hypervigilance, might be hesitant after having a bad relationship experience, but they learn to cope and they don't avoid.  In contrast, the person who is hypervigilant takes it to an extreme because it's their way of protecting themselves. However, in the process, they don't learn to cope or overcome their fears. They remain stuck (see my article: What is Avoidant Behavior?).

What is the Potential Physical and Psychological Impact of Hypervigilance?

People who experience hypervigilance might experience some or all of the following characteristics:

• Chronic Stress: A constant flood of cortisol and adrenaline is exhausting and can cause medical, emotional and psychological problems.

Hypervigilance and Relationship Problems

• Relationship Problems: While people who experience hypervigilance might be more aware of potential red flags in a relationship, they might also have problems getting close or trusting even in a healthy situation. They might be overly sensitive or emotionally overreactive to a partner's comments. Some people might avoid getting involved in relationships at all because o they fear getting hurt (see my article: How Trauma Can Affect Your Ability to Be Emotionally Vulnerable in a Romantic Relationship).

Hypervigilance, Loneliness and Isolaton

• Loneliness and Isolation: A fear of making friends or seeking romantic relationships due to fear of getting hurt, can lead to isolation and loneliness (see my article: Loneliness and Social Isolation).

How to Cope With Hypervigilance

Here are some interventions that might be helpful to you:

• Grounding Exercises: You can learn to calm yourself with breathing exercises, mindfulness meditation and journaling.

Coping with Hypervigilance By Meditating

• Limiting or Eliminating Coffee, Alcohol or Other Substances: If you notice you feel worse after drinking coffee or alcohol, consider either limiting your intake or eliminating these substances.

• Seeking Help in Trauma Therapy: If you work with a trauma therapist, you can learn to: 

• Identify your triggers

• Learn to overcome your triggers

• Be able to differentiate your feelings from objective reality (see my article: Discovering Your Thoughts and Feelings Aren't Facts)

• Work through the psychological trauma underlying your hypervigilance so you are free from your traumatic history

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

Trauma therapy includes various types of therapy that were developed specifically to help people to overcome trauma. 

These include:

• EMDR Therapy (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing Therapy)

• Somatic Experiencing
  

• AEDP (Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy)

• Hypnotherapy
  

• Parts Work Therapy (including Internal Family Systems Therapy and Ego States Therapy)

When you work with a skilled trauma therapist, you can overcome hypervigilance and unresolved psychological trauma.

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

Rather than struggling nn your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who is a trauma therapist so you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples) and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

8 Tips For Coping With Triggers

What is the Difference Between Trauma and PTSD (Posttraumatic Stress Disorder)

What is Trauma-Related Dissociation?

Relationships: Navigating Changes in Your Relationship as New Parents

Becoming new parents can be joyous and wonderful, but it can also be challenging to your relationship which can make you feel guilty.

Navigating Changes in Your Relationship as New Parents

The Challenges of Being New Parents

Some of the challenges of being a new parents are fairly well known:

• Being sleep deprived especially during the first few months

• Feeling irritable due to sleep deprivation

• Experiencing poor concentration due to lack of sleep

• Experiencing increased stress and anxiety (see my article: Recognizing the Signs That You're Under Too Much Stress)

• Losing patience with your partner and yourself

• Feeling anxious about being a new parent (see my article: Self Help Tips For Dealing With Anxiety)

• Feeling like you are not a "good enough" parent

• Experiencing postpartum depression

Postpartum Depression

• Feeling jealous that your partner pays more attention to the baby than to you

• Feeling like you are neglecting yourself (see my article: Is Self Care Selfish?)

• Feeling like you and your partner are neglecting your needs as a couple

• Feeling the need to take a break from parenting

• Realizing you and your partner have different parenting styles

• Feeling like you have lost control of your life, your relationship and your household

• Not feeling like a sexual being (see my article: What is Sexual Desire Discrepancy?)

• Feeling less physically attractive

• Feeling less sexually attracted to your partner (see my article: What is Attraction?)

• Having less sex in your relationship (see my article: Have You and Your Partner Stopped Having Sex?).

• Listening to seemingly endless advice and childrearing stories from relatives and friends

• Coping with visits from relatives and friends when you're exhausted (see my article: Coping With Difficult In-Laws).

• Re-experiencing traumatic memories from your own childhood

Awareness and Acceptance That Your Relationship Has Changed

Before you had the baby, the two of you probably had more time to do whatever you wanted to do or to just relax at home.

The two of you could focus on yourself as individuals and your relationship as a couple. 

Before you had the baby, you probably knew your lives would change and you both would need to adjust, but knowing it and actually experiencing the changes are two different things.

Now, in addition to being a couple, you're both parents and parenting will take up most of your time and energy. You don't have as much time to nurture your relationship as you did before the baby because the baby's needs are the priority. 

In the past, when two or three generations lived close by, new parents had more help, but things have changed in recent years and many new parents don't have close relatives who can help. So, all the responsibilities of taking care of a baby fall on the new parents, which adds to their stress and anxiety.

All of these factors and more can have a negative impact on your relationship as you both realize how much your life has changed.

How to Navigate the Change to Your Relationship as New Parents

• Cultivate awareness and acceptance that your life and your relationship have changed (see my article: Change, Awareness and Acceptance).

• Find ways to practice self care even if these practices are small (see my article: Finding Time for Self Care).

• Approach these new life changes as a team (see my article: Improving Your Relationship By Practicing Teamwork).

• Develop open communication about how you feel about your new role as a parent and feelings it might bring up about your relationship.

• Make time for each other, even in small ways. This can help you to maintain an emotional connection with each other.

• Share responsibilities for the baby and other household responsibilities fairly (see my article: Sharing the Mental Load).

• Reassess the need to shift responsibilities from time to time so neither of you feel resentful.

• Be patient with yourself and each other as you both navigate these changes.

• Get help from a licensed mental health professional if the changes have put a strain on your relationship.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

Adding another commitment to your schedule might feel like the last thing you want to do with all your new responsibilities, but if your relationship is suffering due to all the new changes that parenthood brings, you could benefit from seeing a couples therapist to salvage your relationship.

A skilled couples therapist can help you to adjust to the changes to your relationship so you can approach the changes as a team.

Rather than waiting until your relationship problems get worse, seek help early so you can have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I have over 20 years of experiencing helping individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

 

Improving Your Relationship By Practicing Teamwork

Practicing teamwork in your relationship is essential to developing and maintaining relationships (see my article: Relationships: Are You Pulling Together or Pulling Apart?).

Improving Your Relationship By Practicing Teamwork

To practice teamwork, it's important for both you and your partner to feel you have each other's backs and you will tackle whatever issues come up together.

Focusing on being a team means you each give up some control and the need to be right all the time. It also means that you learn to compromise.

How to Practice Teamwork to Improve Your Relationship

The following dynamics are important to working together as a team in your relationship:

• A Willingness to Start By Looking at How You Might Be Contributing to Problems in the Relationship: Before you can become a team, you need to be aware of dynamics in your relationship that are not working. Instead of pointing your finger at your partner, focus on yourself first and think about how you might be able to change to improve your relationship. This means letting go of keeping score of your partner's mistakes and making a commitment to make changes in your attitude and behavior.

Improving Your Relationship By Practicing Teamwork

• Trusting You Have Each Other's Backs and You're Willing to Compromise: You are two different people so, naturally, you're not going to feel the same way about everything, but when it comes to resolving problems, you can agree to work as a team to come up with a compromise. You're not focused on getting your way. Instead your focus is on coming up with the best possible compromise that you both can live with.  This means you might not get everything you want, but your focus is on strengthening your relationship. If there are current trust issues, you're willing to work on these issues to strengthen your relationship (see my article: How to Build Trust and Connection in Your Relationship).

Improving Your Relationship By Practicing Teamwork

• Coming Together to Focus on the Problem Instead of Blaming Each Other: When you approach problems as a team, you avoid blaming each other for the problems and, instead, you focus on the problems together. It means you and your partner approach difficult situations together to come up with potential solutions or compromises. This might include:

• Money issues (see my article: Arguing About Money)

• Family problems (see my article: What to Do If Your Partner and Your Parents Don't Get Along)

• Career changes
  

• Stress (see my article: Recognizing Signs That You Are Under Too Much Stress

• Emotional pressures

• Other issues

• Communicating in An Open, Honest and Respectful Manner: This includes: 

• Active listening to your partner's perspective--even if it's different from your own

• Taking turns speaking without interrupting, judging or criticizing each other

Improving Your Relationship By Practicing Teamwork

• Being clear about your own hopes and dreams for the relationship--even if it's different from your partner's hopes and dreams

• Emotionally validating each other's feelings--even if you disagree with your partner's perspective (see my article: How to Use Emotional Validation in Your Relationship)

• Establishing Common Goals (see my article: 10 Relationshp Goals That Can Make Your Relationship Stronger)

• Developing Clear Expectations: Once you have established common goals for the relationship, you need to discuss how you will accomplish these goals and get clear about each other's expectations with regard to each of your roles and responsibilities to avoid confusion and resentment.

• Celebrating Your Successes: When you have successfully taken a step towards accomplishing your goals, recognize and celebrate this success together.

Improving Your Relationship By Practicing Teamwork

• Providing Emotional Support to Each Other: Practicing teamwork includes being each other's source of emotional support. You are each other's "rock" in good and challenging times (see my article: What Do You Need to Feel Closer to Your Partner?).

• Expressing Your Appreciation For Each Other: It's easy to take each other for granted especially if you have been together for a while. Take the time to express your appreciation to each other so you each feel valued and loved (see my article: The Importance of Expressing Gratitude To Your Partner).

• Making Time For Each Other: Scheduling quality time to spend together to have fun. This includes time for emotional and sexual intimacy (see my article: Try a Little Playfulness).

• Repairing Ruptures Between the Two of You Sooner Rather Than Later: When arguments or conflicts arise and you know you made a mistake or hurt your partner, be willing to apologize to repair the rupture between the two of you as quickly as possible. Certain ruptures might take a while to repair, but the sooner you address them, the more likely you will be to repair whatever hurt or angry feelings there might be without the growing resentment that often develops over time (see my articles: How to Deal With Resentment in Your Relationship and Stages of Forgiveness).

• Get Help in Couples Therapy: If you are unable to come together as a team, you could benefit from getting help in couples therapy to work on these issues. A skilled couples therapist can help you so you can have a more fulfilling relationship (see my article: What is Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples?).

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I have over 20 years of experience working with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

What Do Couples Talk About in Couples Therapy?

Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy

What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?