Posts
In the current article, I'm focusing on the Commitment Stage and how to navigate changes in this stage of your relationship.
 |
| How to Navigate the Commitment Stage of a Relationship |
As a recap: The 5 Relationship Stages including the:
- Honeymoon Stage
- Uncertainty Stage
- Adjustment Stage
- Commitment Stage
- Acceptance Stage
For a detailed explanation of each stage, see my prior article.
What is the Commitment Stage of a Relationship?
The Commitment Stage usually occurs after two or more years.
The Commitment Stage includes:
- An acceptance of each other flaws and annoying habits
- An awareness that the positive aspects of the relationship outweigh the negative aspects
- An increased comfort with each other than in the prior stages
- A feeling of safety and security in the relationship
What Are the Challenges of the Commitment Stage?
- Continue improving your communication skills (see my article: Improving Communication Skills: Do You Want to Be Heard, Helped or Hugged?
- Assess if your needs and wants are being responded to by your partner and vice versa
- Maintain an awareness of the goals you and your partner have set
- Become aware of the sexual intimacy in your relationship and if the need for security and safety have decreased the sexual intimacy (see my article: Balancing Emotional Security and Eroticism in Your Relationship).
Clinical Vignette
The following vignette, which is a composite of many different cases to protect confidentiality, illustrates the challenges of the Commitment Stage and how couples therapy can help:
Jane and Bill
Three years into their relationship, Jane and Bill got engaged.
At that point, they were living together for two years and they felt comfortable, secure and emotionally safe with each other.
 |
| How to Navigate the Commitment Stage of a Relationship |
They had already navigated the challenges of Honeymoon, Uncertainty and Adjustment Stages, but they were having problems with sexual intimacy in their relationship so they sought help from a couples therapist who was also a certified sex therapist.
In their couples therapy they realized that their relationship, which was once passionate and exciting, had transitioned into almost a friendship once they became emotionally secure and safe with each other.
While they were happy that they felt close to each other, they missed the sexual passion they once experienced in the earlier part of their relationship.
Their couples/sex therapist helped them to keep their emotional intimacy while improving their sexual intimacy.
They realized they had gradually let go of the sexual part of their relationship which got crowded out by work and personal obligations.
They didn't expect sex to be as exciting as it had been during the Honeymoon Stage of their relationship, but they wanted to have more satisfying sex.
Although they were reluctant to do it at first, they learned to schedule sex so it didn't get crowded out of their schedule (see my article: The Benefits of Scheduling Sex).
They realized that, before they lived together, the longing and anticipation during the early stage of their relationship was no longer present (see my article: A Cornerstone of Eroticism: Longing and Anticipation).
They also learned from their couples/sex therapist about spontaneous and responsive desire and that most couples who have been together for a while experience responsive desire.
Responsive desire means they might not feel sexually turned on before they begin to have sex, but they could get turned on once they start (see my article: Spontaneous and Responsive Desire Are Both Common and Normal).
Both Jane and Bill were skeptical at first, but they agreed to include sex in their schedule and realized that it was true that once they began kissing, they both got turned on and could have satisfying sex.
 |
| How to Navigate the Commitment Stage of a Relationship |
They also learned about certain sex therapy techniques like the simmer technique which helped them to simmer sexual desire between their sexual encounters (see my article: Creating the Potential For Sexual Desire With the Simmering Technique).
With help in couples/sex therapy, Jane and Bill learned to have passionate sex again.
Conclusion
One of the potential problems of the Commitment Stage is that the security and safety of the relationship can transform the relationship into a friendship or roommate situation.
This change can occur so gradually that it might take a couple a while to realize that sex has gone out the window.
The good news is that a couple can revive their sex life so they can have satisfying sex again with the help of a couples therapist who is also trained in sex therapy (most couples therapists are not trained in sex therapy).
Getting Help in Couples Therapy
If you and your partner are struggling in your relationship, rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who works with couples.
If your problems include sexual problems, see a therapist who is also a certified sex therapist.
Working with a licensed therapist who has an expertise related to your problems can help you to have a more fulfilling relationship.
About Me
I am licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.
I have over 20 years of experience working with individual adults and couples.
To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.
To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.
.jpg)
