How to Overcome Polarization in Your Relationship

It's not unusual to have differences of opinion in a relationship, but when polarization becomes a problem, each of you become stuck in your position and there's no negotiation or compromise.

What is Polarization in a Relationship?

Let's start by first defining what polarization means in a relationship.

Polarization is a word that's often used today in politics where two political parties are far apart ideologically and unable to talk to each other to reach a compromise.

Polarization in a Relationship

A similar phenomenon occurs in certain relationships where each person has such a divergent view from the other that they're unable to meet in the middle or, in some cases, to even get out of their respective corners (see my article: Overcoming All or Nothing Thinking).

Clinical Vignettes

The following clinical vignettes, which are composites of many cases with all identifying information removed, are examples of couples who are polarized but who find a way out of their dilemma by taking basic steps, which are identified below.

Vignette 1: Carol and Mike

When they were dating, Carol and Mike saw each other a few times a week and maintained their own Manhattan apartments for two years.

During the time they were dating, they rarely argued and, when they did, they would usually reconcile fairly easily.  But their problems with polarization developed once they moved in together.  

Polarization in a Relationship

When Mike's lease was up, he moved into Carol's apartment. They both agreed this was the most practical thing to do because his renewal lease on the Upper West Side would cost almost twice as much as Carol's rent stabilized apartment in Greenwich Village.

Initially, they were getting along well, but after a couple of months, they began arguing about how much time they were spending together (Relationships: Time Together vs Time Apart).

Mike wanted to spend more time together than Carol, who wanted to spend more of her free time with her friends.  

Mike saw his friends occasionally to go to sports events or to play racquetball, but Carol saw her friends a few times a week for brunch and dinner.  Mike couldn't understand why she would spend so much time with them.  

At first, when they began talking about this issue, they were both willing to make some compromises.  Mike was willing to spend a little less time than he really wanted with Carol and Carol was willing to spend a little more time with Mike.

But the more they talked about it, the more heated their discussions became.  And the more heated their discussions became, the more determined each of them was to get it his or her own way.  This resulted in a standoff where neither of them wanted to see the other's perspective.

Vignette 2: Jane and Dina

During the first six months of their relationship, Jane and Dina were head over heels about each other.

A year into their relationship, they got an apartment together and they felt blissful for the next six months.  But soon after that, Jane, who maintained friendships with all her exes, wanted to have dinner with her ex, Susan--someone she was in a relationship with before she met Dina.

Polarization in a Relationship

Even though Dina knew Jane maintained friendships with her exes, she didn't give it much thought until the Jane said she wanted to have dinner with Susan. From Dina's perspective, once a relationship ended, she no longer wanted to have contact with an ex.  So, when Jane told Dina she wanted to have dinner with Susan, Dina felt angry and jealous, and she told Jane she didn't feel comfortable with that.

Initially, when they began talking about it, Dina and Jane were both open to trying to find a compromise.  But as their discussions turned into arguments, they both became polarized in their views and neither of them wanted to compromise.  

How to Overcome Polarization in Your Relationship

The following tips can help if you're experiencing polarization in your relationship:

• Stop Seeing the Problem as "Right" and "Wrong": One of the problems with polarization is that each person feels they are "right" and the other person is "wrong."  Instead, see the problem as a difference of opinion with neither side being "right" or "wrong." As long as you're both stuck in seeing the problem as being black or white or all or nothing, you'll probably remain stuck.

• Wait to Talk About the Problem Until You're Both Calm: If the discussion becomes too heated, take a break and wait until you're both calm. If you try to talk about it when emotions are running high, it will be hard to find a compromise.

• Keep Moving Towards Each Other Instead of Away From Each Other: Instead of withdrawing and moving away from each other, move towards each other in an effort to find a compromise (see my article: How to Build Trust and Connection in Your Relationship).

Finding a Compromise to Get Out of a Polarization Deadlock

In Vignette 1, once Carol and Mike calmed down, they stopped seeing the problem in such black and white terms.  After Mike explained to Carol that he missed her when she was out so much, she was able to reframe the problem in her mind.  Also, once Mike understood how important Carol's friendships were to her, he realized she relied on these friendships for emotional support and fun.  

Overcoming Polarization in a Relationship

The compromise they came up with was that instead of going out with her friends three times a week, she would go out with them twice a week and invite them over once a week and Mike would invite his friends too so they could all have dinner together. When they saw that everyone got along so well, they wished they had done this months before.

In Vignette 2, Jane and Dina talked it out once they were both calm. Dina assured Jane that she trusted her and, even though she didn't see why Jane would remain friends with her exes, she wasn't jealous of Susan.  

Overcoming Polarization in a Relationship

They reached a compromise where Jane invited Dina to have dinner with Susan and Susan's new girlfriend, Judy.  During dinner, Dina enjoyed herself and she realized that she genuinely liked Susan and Judy.  After meeting Susan, Dina could understand why Jane wanted to remain friends with her.  After that first dinner, the two couples went out together every few weeks. There were also times when Jane met Susan for dinner on their own and Dina no longer had a problem with that.

Conclusion

Polarization is a common problem in many relationships. 

If both people are willing to talk when they're calm, keep the lines of communication open, and move towards each other instead of away, they're more likely to reach a compromise.

Getting Help in Therapy

Some couples are unable to get out of their polarized positions.

A skilled couples therapist can help a couple to navigate this difficult terrain so they can learn the necessary relationship skills to make compromises and have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples (see my article: What is Emotion Focused Therapy For Couples?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

 

The Five Flirting Styles: The Polite Flirting Style

This is a continuation of my prior articles about flirting styles as described in Dr. Jeffrey Hall's research and his book, The Five Flirting Styles.  

The Polite Flirting Style

Prior Articles

What's Your Flirting Style?

The Physical Flirting Style

The Playful Flirting Style

The Sincere Flirting Style

The Polite Flirting Style

Please Note: Some people aren't receptive to flirting, especially if it involves touching. So, it's important to be aware of this and respect it. You need to pick up on social cues from the person you're with and remember that consent and context are important factors in your interactions with others.

Summary of the Five Flirting Styles

• Playful: Playful flirts like to flirt for fun. They often have a particular goal of making a  sexual conquest, a date or a getting into a relationship. They enjoy flirting for the sake of flirting, so sometimes they don't have any goal except to enjoying being flirty and playful. It can be hard to understand what they want from you because they like to be playful and tease, but they're not especially intimate.

• Traditional: Traditional flirts adhere to traditional, heteronormative ways of flirting where women wait for men to initiate flirting. Women in this category often use eye contact to show interest but men usually make the first move to talk to women. Traditional flirts tend to be introverted, so they often wait a while before they ask someone out. 

• Physical: Physical flirts use nonverbal touch and open body language to flirt. This flirting style is especially sexually charged. Physical flirts tend to touch you. Aside from touching you, they might lean in close to you. They're usually confident and forward. Often, physical flirters look for a sexual conquest as opposed to a relationship, but this isn't always the case.

• Sincere: Sincere flirts are the most common type. They will try to form a bond with you by making you comfortable and creating a rapport. They tend to be direct and honest in their approach. A relationship with them might start as a friendship first before it becomes romantic. 

• Polite: Polite flirts can be difficult to understand because they're so subtle. They tend to be focused on being polite, moral, cautious and reserved. They want to avoid embarrassment, so, for instance, they tend to speak in cautious tones. 

As I mentioned in the prior articles, Dr. Hall's flirting styles are heteronormative, so they don't include the LGBTQ population; however, some aspects of these styles might be applicable.

The Polite Flirting Style

In the current article, I'm discussing the Polite Flirting Style.

What Are Common Characteristics of the Polite Flirting Style?

Traditional flirters tend to:

• Know you for a while before they ask you out

• Start flirting with you as if it's out of the blue after you have been friends for a while, which can be confusing--especially if you didn't realize they were interested in you before they started flirting

• Pay attention to what you say while they're getting to know you--before they ask you out 

• Be less assertive and aggressive, as a polite man, than some of the other men who have one of the four other flirting styles because they're being respectful

• Refrain, as a man or a woman, to become sexual when they're getting to know you

• Not comment on a woman's appearance, as a man, out of a sense of politeness

• Find direct flirting annoying

• Talk about their long term goals

• Follow traditional courtship rules 

• Be honest about their prior relationships

• Call or send a text after a date to say thank you or to say they had fun

• Be reliable and there for you when you need them

Men and Women

Women tend to be polite flirters much more than men.

The Polite Flirting Style

Both men and women tend to be cautious when they're interested in someone, which can lead to misunderstandings if they're too cautious because you might think they only see you as a friend.

Polite flirters can know you a long time before they think about letting you know they're interested and, even then, they might struggle to find the words to tell you.  Sometimes they need the assistance of a mutual friend to intervene to get things started.

The Polite Flirting Style: Dating, Sex and Love

Polite flirters tend to take things slowly when it comes to dating, sex and love.

Both men and women often want to be in love before having sex because sex is important to them and not to be taken lightly.  They want to feel they have an emotional connection with you first.

If a polite flirter is flirting with you, it's more than likely they're interested in forming a connection with you rather than trying to get you into bed.

Relationships

Similar to the Traditional and Sincere Flirting Styles, once they get into a relationship with you, the polite flirter tends to be loyal. 

Age

According to Dr. Hall, the Polite Flirting Style tends to be more common among people 40 and over.

The Polite Flirting Style

Dr. Hall indicates that this is probably due to people 40 and over developing a more mature ways of flirting, dating and being in a relationship.

Complementary Flirting Styles

The complementary flirting styles for the Polite Flirting Style are the 

• Traditional Flirting Style
• Sincere Flirting Style

The polite flirter has a lot in common with traditional and sincere flirters because their characteristics overlap in many ways.

What all three have in common is that--not only do they want to go slowly--they want to avoid the carefree sexual aspects of dating before you know each other.

It's not that they don't like sex.  It's more a matter that they tend to think it's crass to be sexual right away before you know each other.

Conclusion

This is the last in this series about flirting styles based on the research of Dr. Jeffrey Hall.

In reality, when it comes to flirting styles, people don't usually fit neatly into a particular box.  Most people are a combination of flirting styles.

Being aware of your particular constellation of flirting styles can help you in meeting people, dating or entering into a relationship.  

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex-positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

 

The Five Flirting Styles: The Traditional Flirting Style

In the last several articles I've been focusing on flirting styles as described in Dr. Jeffrey Hall's book, The Five Flirting Styles.

The current article focuses on the Traditional Flirting Style.

The Traditional Flirting Style

See my prior articles:

What's Your Flirting Style?

The Physical Flirting Style

The Playful Flirting Style

The Sincere Flirting Style

Please Note: Some people aren't receptive to flirting, especially if it involves touching. So, it's important to be aware of this and respect it. You need to pick up on social cues from the person you're with and remember that consent and context are important factors in your interactions with others.

Summary of the Five Flirting Styles

• Playful: Playful flirts like to flirt for fun. They often have a particular goal of making a  sexual conquest, a date or a getting into a relationship. They enjoy flirting for the sake of flirting, so sometimes they don't have any goal except to enjoying being flirty and playful. It can be hard to understand what they want from you because they like to be playful and tease, but they're not especially intimate.

• Traditional: Traditional flirts adhere to traditional, heteronormative ways of flirting where women wait for men to initiate flirting. Women in this category often use eye contact to show interest but men usually make the first move to talk to women. Traditional flirts tend to be introverted, so they often wait a while before they ask someone out. 

• Physical: Physical flirts use nonverbal touch and open body language to flirt. This flirting style is especially sexually charged. Physical flirts tend to touch you. Aside from touching you, they might lean in close to you. They're usually confident and forward. Often, physical flirters look for a sexual conquest as opposed to a relationship, but this isn't always the case.

• Sincere: Sincere flirts are the most common type. They will try to form a bond with you by making you comfortable and creating a rapport. They tend to be direct and honest in their approach. A relationship with them might start as a friendship first before it becomes romantic. 

• Polite: Polite flirts can be difficult to understand because they're so subtle. They tend to be focused on being polite, moral, cautious and reserved. They want to avoid embarrassment, so, for instance, they tend to speak in cautious tones. 

As I mentioned in the prior articles, Dr. Hall's flirting styles are heteronormative, so they exclude the LGBTQ population; however, some aspects of these styles might be applicable.

What Are Common Characteristics of the Traditional Flirting Style?

Traditional flirters tend to:

• Believe in traditional ways when it comes to romance

• Be polite

• Follow traditional rules when it comes to romance as well as in other areas of their life

• Rarely become romantically involved with their friends

• Make their dates or partners feel like they're in a fairytale romance

• Believe in traditional male and female gender roles 

• Hold open doors, pay for the check and pull out a woman's chair (if they are men)

• Hold back, behave reserved and want the man to be in the lead (if they are women)

• Believe that a little jealousy keeps chemistry alive

• Be predictable in terms of their courtship style

• Not to like change in general

Men and Women

According to Dr. Hall, women are much more likely to have the Traditional Flirting Style than men.

In terms of the prevalence of the Traditional Flirting Style among men, men are much more likely to be one of the other flirting styles. For men, the Traditional Flirting Style is in last place after the other four.

The Traditional Flirting Style: Dating, Sex and Love

For many men who are traditional flirters, it's a "man's world." They expect to be the ones who take the initiative to ask a woman out, initiate sex and declare their love.  

Compared to men who are part of the four other flirting styles, these men would be uncomfortable if a woman took the initiative.  

The Traditional Flirting Style

Generally speaking, according to Dr. Hall, men who are traditional flirters value beauty in a woman, and women who are traditional flirters value success in men.

Traditional women tend to hang back, as opposed to taking the lead, when it comes to flirting because they're waiting for the man to take the lead. However, a traditional woman who is even more reserved wouldn't like the man to flirt with her, according to Dr. Hall.

Since, as a group, traditional women don't feel comfortable flirting, they can find it difficult to get a man's attention.  This can make it challenging for these women to meet men--unless they're thrown together in college or at a social event with friends.

Dr. Hall says that traditional men are generally looking for women who are demur, passive and subtle.

Many traditional men will wait a long time before they approach a woman.  They usually want to establish a respectful and cordial relationship with a woman first.  

This can make it difficult for a woman to know whether or not he's interested.  Then, these men often assume they have to work to get a woman interested in them.

A traditional man often waits until a relationship is established before he flirts with a woman.  

Traditional men and women might rely on friends to help them to meet and get started in their courtship.

Traditional men and women often have conservative ideas about sex.  Many of them believe that sex should take place within a committed relationship, preferably a marriage.  They also tend to have fewer sexual partners.

It's not unusual for there to be a double standard with regard to men and women and sex: Men are allowed to have casual sex with women they don't want to be in a committed relationship with, and women would be demeaned if they did the same thing.

However, Dr. Hall also indicates that about 20% of women who responded to his survey said they had sex with a man they were interested in to try to get a relationship going.  This is likely due to the fact that they consider sex and relationships to go together, so if they are having sex with a man, they feel it means the relationship is progressing.

Relationships

According to Dr. Hall, traditional men and women tend to be committed partners when they're part of a relationship.

Devoted Traditional Partners in a Committed Relationship

Based on his research, Dr. Hall indicates that traditional men and women are 20% less likely to flirt with someone else when they're in a committed relationship.

Complementary Flirting Style

The Traditional and the Polite Flirting Styles are complementary to each other (more about the Polite Flirting Style in a future article).

Dr. Hall indicates that these two styles are often confused for each other because the traditional flirt is polite and the polite flirt is traditional.

Conclusion

The traditional flirts tend to have definite ideas about traditional gender roles.

Their way of flirting often appeals to other people who are also traditional. It works for them, but it can be off-putting to others (just like any of the other flirting styles).

Traditional men might be slower to approach a woman they're attracted to, but if it works out, they're less likely to stray, according to Dr. Jeffrey Hall.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing and a Sex Therapist.

I am a sex-positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

The Five Flirting Styles: The Sincere Flirting Style

In the current article I'm focusing on the Sincere Flirting Style, as described by author and researcher, Dr. Jeffrey Hall, which is the most common of the five flirting styles.

The Sincere Flirting Style

See my prior articles:

What's Your Flirting Style?

The Physical Flirting Style

The Playful Flirting Style

The Traditional Flirting Style

The information for this article comes primarily from Dr. Hall's book, The Five Flirting Styles.

Summary of the Five Flirting Styles

• Playful: Playful flirts like to flirt for fun. They often have a particular goal of making a  sexual conquest, a date or a getting into a relationship. They enjoy flirting for the sake of flirting, so sometimes they don't have any goal except to enjoying being flirty and playful. It can be hard to understand what they want from you because they like to be playful and tease, but they're not especially intimate.

• Traditional: Traditional flirts adhere to traditional, heteronormative ways of flirting where women wait for men to initiate flirting. Women in this category often use eye contact to show interest but men usually make the first move to talk to women. Traditional flirts tend to be introverted, so they often wait a while before they ask someone out. 

• Physical: Physical flirts use nonverbal touch and open body language to flirt. This flirting style is especially sexually charged. Physical flirts tend to touch you. Aside from touching you, they might lean in close to you. They're usually confident and forward. Often, physical flirters look for a sexual conquest as opposed to a relationship, but this isn't always the case.

• Sincere: Sincere flirts are the most common type. They will try to form a bond with you by making you comfortable and creating a rapport. They tend to be direct and honest in their approach. A relationship with them might start as a friendship first before it becomes romantic. 

• Polite: Polite flirts can be difficult to understand because they're so subtle. They tend to be focused on being polite, moral, cautious and reserved. They want to avoid embarrassment, so, for instance, they tend to speak in cautious tones. 

As mentioned in my earlier articles, I see Dr. Hall's Five Flirting Styles as heteronormative. Although it applies to heterosexual men and women, I see aspects of these styles that could apply to people who identify as LGBTQ.

Please Note: Some people aren't receptive to flirting, especially if it involves touching. So, it's important to be aware of this and respect it. You need to pick up on social cues from the person you're with and remember that consent and context are important factors in your interactions with others.

What Does Sincere Mean?

As defined by the Merriam-Webster dictionary, sincere means: 

• Wholehearted
• Heartfelt
• Hearty
• Genuine

It also means the absence of hypocrisy, feigning or any falsifying embellishments or exaggeration.

What is the Sincere Flirting Style?

Many people think of flirting as being insincere, but people who use the Sincere Flirting Style want to make a genuine connection with you.

The Sincere Flirting Style

The sincere flirting involves using flirting as a way to create an emotional bond.

What Are Common Characteristics of the Sincere Flirting Style?

Sincere flirters tend to:

• Want to an emotional bond, which is usually different from the Playful Flirting Style where flirting is mostly about fun and games

• Be interested in you emotionally as opposed to just a sexual interest

• Want the emotional connection first before the sexual connection

• Enjoy deep conversations as opposed to superficial chatter

• Have interesting things to share with you about themselves 

• Prefer to be themselves, which generally makes them honest

• Ask you questions about yourself because they're genuinely interested in getting to know you

• Remember important details you told them about yourself

• Disclose important information openly and appropriately about themselves as a way for you to get to know them and their personal disclosures tend to be of an emotional nature

• Be positive, friendly, warm and kind as well as outgoing and fun

• Be creative and open to new experiences, including travel

• Try to figure out if you share similar interests when you're on a date and getting to know each other

• Enjoy having you flirt back with them--although they can sometimes get embarrassed or shy if you compliment them

• Not approach in a physically aggressive way; however, if they sense you're interested, they're usually not opposed to using physicality in an appropriate way (leaning closer to you) as a way to get the message across that they're interested. This is different from the Physical Flirting Style who tend to use touch and physicality in a sexually suggestive way.

• Not date multiple people at once if they're interested in getting to know you and you're forming an emotional connection with each other

• Back off when they sense you're not interested--unlike more manipulative, aggressive types

Men and Women

As mentioned earlier, the Sincere Flirting Style is the most common flirting style.  It's used by both men and women.

According to Dr. Hall, women tend to have a more developed Sincere Flirting Style than men.  

In addition, Dr. Hall indicates that women tend to prefer when men engage in this style of flirting if they're interested in getting into a relationship.

Based on Dr. Hall's research, emotional self disclosure, when it's done appropriately without oversharing, is usually rated high as a way to connect emotionally and it's the least phoney way of flirting. It's also the most effective to create emotional bonds.

All Ages

Dr. Hall's research indicates that the Sincere Flirting Style applies to all age groups from young to mature.

The Sincere Flirting Style

What About the Stereotype of "Nice Guys Finish Last"?

According to Dr. Hall, how women feel about nice guys depends on what they're looking for, their age and maturity level.

If they're young and looking for casual sex, they would probably prefer the man with the Physical Flirting Style.

If they're more mature and ready for a commitment, they're more likely to be interested in the guy with the Sincere Flirting Style because he has the maturity and qualities they're looking for in a committed relationship.

So, like many stereotypes, when it comes to forming a lasting bond with someone, the stereotype of "nice guys finish last" is false.

Conclusion

Most people are a combination of flirting styles and, even within a particular flirting style, there's a spectrum.

It's important to know what you want when you're dating so you can focus on the type of person that suits your interest.

The Sincere Flirting Style is usually the most appealing for people who want to form a sincere emotional connection with someone.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex-positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

The 5 Flirting Styles: The Physical Flirting Style

In a prior article, What's Your Flirting Style?, I began a discussion about the five flirting styles as described in Dr. Jeffrey Hall's book, The Five Flirting Styles: Use the Science of Flirting to Attract the Love You Really Want.  Dr. Hall did extensive research on this topic, as described in his book.

The Physical Flirting Style

In the current article, I'm focusing on the Physical Flirting Style, but first, let's review of the 5 Flirting Styles:

Summary of the 5 Flirting Styles

If you haven't read my prior article, I suggest you take a moment to review it because it provides an overview of the five flirting styles, as described by Dr. Hall in his research on flirting.

It's important to note that Dr. Hall's research focused on heterosexual men and women, so it does not include the LGBTQ population.

In reality, most people are a combination of flirting styles. 

There is often one style that predominates for a particular person.  For the sake of simplicity, I'll be discussing these styles individually.

As a recap from the last article, here's a brief summary:

• Playful: Playful flirts like to flirt for fun. They often have a particular goal of making a  sexual conquest, a date or a getting into a relationship. They enjoy flirting for the sake of flirting, so sometimes they don't have any goal except to enjoying being flirty and playful. It can be hard to understand what they want from you because they like to be playful and tease, but they're not especially intimate.

• Traditional: Traditional flirts adhere to traditional, heteronormative ways of flirting where women wait for men to initiate flirting. Women in this category often use eye contact to show interest but men usually make the first move to talk to women. Traditional flirts tend to be introverted, so they often wait a while before they ask someone out. 

• Physical: Physical flirts use nonverbal touch and open body language to flirt. This flirting style is especially sexually charged. Physical flirts tend to touch you. Aside from touching you, they might lean in close to you. They're usually confident and forward. Often, physical flirters look for a sexual conquest as opposed to a relationship, but this isn't always the case.

• Sincere: Sincere flirts are the most common type. They will try to form a bond with you by making you comfortable and creating a rapport. They tend to be direct and honest in their approach. A relationship with them might start as a friendship first before it becomes romantic. 

• Polite: Polite flirts can be difficult to understand because they're so subtle. They tend to be focused on being polite, moral, cautious and reserved. They want to avoid embarrassment, so, for instance, they tend to speak in cautious tones. 

What is Sociosexuality?

Sociosexuality, which is also referred to as sociosexual orientation, was studied by the famous Sex Researcher Alfred Kinsey over 70 years ago.

Since that time, sex researchers have continued to study sociosexuality.

Sociosexuality is on a spectrum with regard to a person's willingness to engage in sexual activities without emotional involvement. 

On one end of the spectrum, where sociosexuality is unrestricted, a person is willing to have sex without emotional involvement--"no strings attached."  

On the other end of the spectrum, where sociosexuality is more restricted, a person needs to feel an emotional attachment in order to have sex. 

Then, there's everyone else in between.

The revised Sociosexual Orientation Inventory (SOI-R) was designed to measure sociosexuality in three areas:

• Behavior
• Attitude
• Desire

A High SOI means an unrestricted orientation.  

A low SOI means a more restricted orientation.

Unrestricted sociosexuality is associated with:

• Early life experiences with sex
• More frequent sexual activity
• A greater number of sexual partners over the course of a lifetime

People with unrestricted sociosexuality also tend to score 

• Higher on openness to experience
• Extroversion
• Lower agreeableness
• Lower on honesty-humility
• Higher on erotophilia*

*Erotophilia is a personality trait which assesses a person's disposition to respond to sexual cues in either a positive or negative way.  

People with an erotophilic personality tend to 

• Masturbate more
• Fantasize more frequently
• Think about sex more often
• Tend to have more sexual experiences.

The scale ranges from erotophobic** to erotophilia.

People with an erotophobic personality tend to have

• More traditional sex roles
• Sexual guilt 
• Negative reactions to masturbation
• Negative reactions to non-heteronormative sexuality

Sociosexuality and Flirting Styles

Sociosexuality is related to a person's flirting style and the types of relationships they prefer.

The more unrestricted a person is with regard to their sociosexuality, the more willing they are to 

• Pick up strangers
• Hooking up for casual sex or one-night stands
• Have multiple sexual partners 

The more restricted a person's sociosexuality the less likely they would be to 

• Engage in casual sexual behavior
• Have multiple partners or cheat.

Knowing your sociosexuality is important to knowing whether you want to seek out a more stable relationship if you're more restricted or if you want to see people casually for sex if you are more unrestricted.  

It's also important to know your sociosexual orientation can change over time.

People who have a more restricted sociosexual orientation tend to have either a 

• Traditional Flirting Style, or a
• Polite Flirting Style

People who have a more unrestricted sociosexual orientation tend to have a 

• Physical Flirting Style, or a 
• Playful Flirting Style

The Physical Flirting Style

    Age

With regard to age, according to Dr. Hall, people in their 30s are most likely to use the Physical Flirting Style as opposed to people in their 40s and beyond. 

This is, of course, a generalization and it doesn't mean that people in their 40s and beyond don't use their physicality to flirt.  It just means that many people tend to be most confident in their physical appearance in their 30s.

Another possible factor with regard to people beyond their 30s using the Physical Flirting Style is that, many of them are more interested in having a meaningful relationship as opposed to hooking up or casual dating. Once again, this is a generalization, but it's a possibility that Dr. Hall posits in his writing.

It's noteworthy that, according to Dr. Hall, many people in their 20s aren't as confident using the Physical Flirting Style, especially those who haven't had enough sexual, dating and relationship experience.  Based on Dr. Hall's research, people in their 20s are the age group that uses the Physical Flirting Style the least. 

    Women vs Men

Dr. Hall indicates that, comparing men and women, women tend to use physical flirting more often because, as women, they have more options as to how they use physicality--like flicking their hair, using making up, wearing sexy outfits, and so on.

This doesn't mean that men don't use the Physical Flirting Style--because they do.  They just do it in a different way as described in the two scenarios below.

Generally, women, who use a Physical Flirting Style, are good at attracting men through nonverbal cues, and men tend to be the ones who make the approach. There are, of course, women who approach men, but it doesn't occur as often.

Please Note: If this is your Flirting Style, it's important to remember that not everyone will be receptive to physical flirting, especially if it involves touching.  So, you have to be aware that it's one thing to touch someone's arm lightly versus touching other body parts.  And for some people even touching their arm might be considered a boundary violation.  Consent and context are important.

Complementary Flirting Styles

The Playful Flirting Style, which I 'll discuss in a future article, is the style most closely linked to the Physical Flirting Style.  The other flirting styles don't usually complement physical flirting.

Personality and the Physical Flirting Style

Generally speaking, people who use the Physical Flirting Style are

• Outgoing
• Friendly
• Like to be around other people.  
• Tend to have a positive disposition

Examples of the Physical Flirting Style

Here are two examples of the Physical Flirting Style:

Donna

Before going out with friends to a club, Donna gets herself in the mood for the night by blasting dance music and dancing around the room as she picks out the outfit she wants to wear based on her mood that night.

Once she meets up with her friends at a club, she makes it a habit not to stick with her women friends the whole night because she knows that many guys are too uncomfortable to approach a woman who is with a bunch of her friends. So she will occasionally go to the bar to order a drink on her own.  

The Physical Flirting Style

While she's at the bar, she will notice if there's anyone she finds attractive.  If there is, she will find a way to stand next to him, make eye contact, smile and greet him, "What's going on?" or she might ask him what he's drinking or any friendly comment to get the conversation started.

If the attractive guy at the bar doesn't seem interested, she'll linger for a moment and give it a second try with another friendly comment. But if there's still no interest, she won't hang around. Her attitude is "There's plenty of fish in the sea" so she doesn't need to waste her time with someone who's not interested in her.

But if she senses his interest, she knows it doesn't really matter what she talks about as long as she keeps the conversation going and she draws him in.  From there, as she talks, she will find ways to touch him lightly on his arm or shoulder--always making it look casual.  If the conversation is going well, she might give him her number or ask for his.

For some guys, Donna's Physical Flirting style might be too disarming and forward. This would be especially true for a man with a Traditional Flirting style, who likes to stick to traditional gender roles where the man initiates and a woman responds. But if the man Donna is talking to also has a Physical Flirting or a Playful Flirting Style, he might be delighted to meet Donna because they're on the same wavelength.

On other nights if Donna is in the mood to dance, she gets up on the dance floor by herself and let's herself dance with abandon. Inevitably, a guy will approach her and start dancing with her.  If she's attracted to him, she usually suggests they go outside for some air so they can talk more easily away from the noise.

If she's really attracted to the guy and she's feeling sexually aroused, she might ask him back to the apartment she shares with two other roommates. 

In some cases, these hookups remain one night stands for her because that's all she's interested in.  In other cases, she dates these men for a while or the encounter develops into a short term relationship.

Donna tends to go out with a confident and positive attitude. Even if she doesn't meet anyone she's attracted to on a particular night, she just thinks she'll meet someone the next time.  

A few years later, when Donna has matured and she wants to get into a long term relationship, she realizes she needs to change her Flirting Style.  

In terms of her sociosexual orientation, Donna had a more unrestricted sociosexual orientation when she was younger, which is common.  As she matures, she isn't as unrestricted because she's no longer interested in just having sex without an emotional bond, so she is somewhat more restricted--although, along the way to finding a serious relationship, she still enjoys occasional casual sex when she's in the mood.

As she matures, she remains confident, friendly and positive, but she puts more thought into her choices.  She also puts more thought into how she approaches guys.  

Her flirting style has evolved into a more Sincere Flirting Style style, where she's more interested in getting to know the man better before she's sexual with him.  However, her fliring style is now more of a hybid because she still experiences times when she has a Physical Flirting Style.  

John

John also has a Physical Flirting Style when he is in his 20s.

Before going to a club to pick up women, he always makes sure he does some manscaping and packs condoms in case he "gets lucky." He also stands in front of the mirror to comb his hair just the way he likes it (picture Tony Manero of Saturday Night Fever).

During that time, some women are put off by John's swagger.  But other women are attracted to his confident, friendly and outgoing manner, especially if they aren't looking for anything serious.

He usually looks for women who are standing alone and who look approachable. He's good at reading body language and other cues that a woman is interested. Then, after a few words of conversation, he buys them a drink.  If that goes, he would ask them to dance.  

The Physical Flirting Style

On the dance floor, he's never creepy or predatory.

He often ends the night with several women's phone numbers.  Sometimes, he hooks up with women in the backseat of his car or at a nearby motel.  In his 20s, he consides that a good night out.  

During that time, he's honest with women that he isn't looking for anything serious so there won't be any misunderstandings or hurt feelings. And, at any given time, he's usually dating several women at once, which he's also honest about with each woman.

But in his early 30s, John begins thinking seriously about what he wants. He isn't interested any more in hooking up for the sake of hooking up. It's become boring for him and he wants something more.

As his buddies get into serious relationships, get married and have children, John sees the appeal of their new lives.  Hooking up now feels empty and meaningless to him.  He wants to develop a relationship and build a life with someone.

The clubs no longer have as much of an appeal to him anymore, which is fortunate because there are fewer of them by the time John is in his 30s.  Instead, he joins dating apps to meet women.

In terms of his sociosexual orientation, John has changed from having a mostly unrestricted sociosexual orientation to being more selective. He isn't restricted, but he is more selective. He still enjoys casual sex at times, but he's more focused on meeting someone for a committed relationship.

His female friends complain to him that they're having problems meeting anyone serious on the dating apps but, as a man in New York City, he discovers he has a lot more choices than his female friends.

After many first dates with other women, he meets Sara.  Even though, in terms of how he's still mostly the physical flirting type, he takes his time to get to know her. Rather than just focusing on having sex right away, he establishs a rapport with her similar to the Sincere Flirting Style. 

Conclusion

The Physical Flirting style is one of five styles.

People with this style often use nonverbal touch and open body language. They're often good at reading other people's verbal and nonverbal cues to determine if they're interested. It's the also flirting style that is most sexually charged.

As illustrated in the examples above, flirting styles can change over time as people develop and mature.  Or, they can essentially remain the same but evolve over time.

In reality, most people are some combination of the flirting styles with two or more flirting styles.

In future articles, I'll focus on the other flirting styles.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex-positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.