Do You Feel Entitled to Set Boundaries With the People in Your Life?

Setting boundaries with the people in your life is an act of self care (see my article: How to Set Boundaries Without Guilt).

Setting Boundaries

But if you're someone who doesn't feel entitled to set boundaries, you might feel that boundary setting is an act of aggression (see my article: What's the Difference Between Assertive and Aggressive Behavior?)

Self Abandonment and People Pleasing Tendencies

Not setting boundaries is often a survival strategy children learn in families where they weren't allowed to say "no". 

If you grew up in such a family, maybe you were even punished for expressing your feelings, especially if they were contrary to your parents' feelings. 

If you weren't allowed to say "no" as a child, you might have believed that you could only earn love if you were compliant with your parents' wishes. As a result, you learned self abandonment (see my article: What is Self Abandonment?).

Maybe you were also raised to believe you should feel guilty if you didn't comply with your parents' wishes. As a result, you might have developed people pleasing tendencies as a way to to avoid displeasing others. So, you might have learned to feel you're responsible for other people's comfort and happiness--even if it meant you neglected your own.

People who have an anxious attachment style are especially prone to fear that setting boundaries is an existential threat in terms of losing a relationship or a friendship.

Many women are socialized to believe they need to be nurturers who are "flexible" to the point where setting a boundary might be contrary to their role.

Confusion About What It Means to Set Boundaries

You might not feel entitled to set boundaries with others because you think setting boundaries means you're trying to control others. However, setting healthy boundaries is a fundamental part of self care.

Another possible problem is that you don't know what you feel so you only have a vague sense of what you're feeling at any given time so you don't know if you need to set a boundary or not.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you don't feel entitled to set boundaries with others, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who can help you to work through the underlying issues that are creating problems for you.

Getting Help in Therapy

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a skilled psychotherapist who helps clients to feel empowered enough to set boundaries (see my article: Taking Back Your Personal Power).

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing, Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy) and Certified Sex Therapist.

As a trauma therapist, I have over 25 years of experiencing helping individual adults and couples (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

How to Set Boundaries in an Enmeshed Family

How to Set Boundaries Without Guilt  

How to Set Boundaries in Your Relationship

Relationships: What's the Difference Between Trying to "Fix" Your Partner and Being Emotionally Supportive?

When your partner is distressed, anxious or depressed, it's natural for you to want to be emotionally supportive. But some people confuse being emotionally supportive with trying to "fix" their partner's problems, so it's important to understand the difference.

"Fixing" vs Being Emotionally Supportive

What's the Difference Between Trying to "Fix" Your Partner's Problems and Being Emotionally Supportive?

The main difference between trying to "fix" a problem and being emotionally supportive has to do with the intent and focus of what you do.

Trying to "Fix" the Problem:

Trying to "fix" your partner's problems involves:

• Your Approach: You treat your partner's problems like a puzzle to be solved.

• Your Goal: To eliminate the source of your partner's pain as quickly as possible. This might mean that you have a problem tolerating your partner's emotional distress, so you want it their distress to disappear as soon as possible. If this is the case, your own psychological work to do about this.

• Your Behavior: Giving your partner unsolicited advise, suggesting specific actions or taking on the problem yourself leads to your overfunctioning for your partner instead of allowing them to handle it with your emotional support (see my article: Are You Overfunctioning in Your Relationship?).

• Potential Problems: Your actions can signal to your partner that you think they are incapable of handling their problem. This can lead to your partner feeling belittled, frustrated, angry and resentful--even though you have good intentions. It can also set up a parent-child dynamic which usually has a detrimental impact on a relationship.

Being Emotionally Supportive:

• Your Approach: You prioritize "feeling with" your partner as opposed to "doing it for them".

• Your Goal: You create a safe space where your partner can feel seen, heard and understood (see my article: Creating a Safe Haven For Each Other).

• Your Behavior: Your behavior includes active listening, validating their feelings and offering comfort, like a hug if that's what your partner wants (see my article: Ask Your Partner If They Need to Be Helped, Heard or Hugged).

• Potential Benefits: Being emotionally supportive helps to create emotional intimacy between you and your partner. It can also build your partner's confidence that they have the capacity to solve their problems.

Clinical Vignettes

An Example of Trying to "Fix" the Problem

Emma and Bill:

Emma's husband, Bill, had a serious drinking problem. Although he promised he would stop drinking many times, he would stop for a day or two, but when he felt anxious, he would drink excessively again. Emma was very concerned about Bill's drinking and she wanted to help him, so she would throw out bottles of alcohol and make excuses to his boss when he was too hungover to go to work. 

Trying to "Fix" the Problem

After Bill was arrested twice for driving while intoxicated (DWI), he was court mandated to attend alcohol treatment. As part of the program, spouses attended groups to become educated about alcohol abuse and to learn how to be supportive without being codependent.  Through these groups, Emma learned that what she perceived as being helpful was actually detrimental to Bill's sobriety and she learned to focus on herself. Over time, Bill learned to lead a sober life one day at a time (see my article: What's the Difference Between Codependency and Interdependency?).

An Example of Being Emotionally Supportive

Jack and Dan:

Jack's husband, Dan, suffered with anxiety since he was a child. Whenever Jack sensed that Dan's anxiety was especially high, he would prioritize spending time with him to actively listen to and validate Dan's concerns. Dan felt safe talking to Jack because Jack was emotionally supportive and not critical or judgmental. Dan also knew that Jack wasn't trying to "fix" him. Instead, Jack was empathetic and he had a lot of patience with Dan. Eventually, he suggested that Dan seek help in therapy. 

Being Emotionally Supportive

At first, Dan didn't follow through, but Jack never tried to pressure Dan or get angry with Dan that he wasn't following through with seeking help. Then, one day Dan had a panic attack on the subway while he was going to work. At first, he didn't know what was happening to him, but once the panic attack subsided, he realized his anxiety was getting worse. Somewhat reluctantly, Dan sought help in therapy to deal with his anxiety. A few weeks into his therapy, Dan was relieved that he sought help because he was learning new tools and strategies to deal with his anxiety. And, eventually, his therapist helped Dan to deal with his unresolved trauma that contributed to his anxiety by using a combination of Parts Work and EMDR therapy (see my article: Trauma Therapy: Combining Parts Work and EMDR Therapy).

Conclusion

Although you might have the best intentions and your inclination might be to try to solve your partner's problems, in the long run, you could be doing more harm than good.

Being emotionally supportive by being attuned, empathetic and validating your partner's feelings will be more helpful to your partner and your emotional support can strengthen the bonds between you.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have over 25 years of experience helping individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Emotional Regulation: How Do You Know What You Need When You Feel Emotionally Dysregulated?

Many people who would like to be more emotionally regulated don't understand what they need when they feel upset (see my article: Developing Skills to Manage Your Emotions).

Emotional Regulation

This is understandable because when you are sufficiently upset, the part of your brain that allows you to reason (the prefrontal cortex) is often "off line". 

The more reactive part of your brain, the amygdala, gets into a fight or flight mode so that you  can't think your way into knowing what you need.

When you feel emotionally overwhelmed, here are some tips on what can be helpful:

• Pause and Slow Down: Whether you do this by using a breathing exercise, grounding exercise or a mindfulness meditation, pausing and slowing down helps you to calm down so you can think about what you need.

Emotional Regulation

• Try the 5-4-3-2-1 Technique: Name 5 things you see, 4 things you can touch, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell and 1 thing you can taste. This helps you to stop spiraling so you can get back to feeling like yourself again.

• Pick a Color: If the 5-4-3-2-1 technique feels like too much in the moment, you can choose a color, like the color blue and look around the room and name all the things you see that are blue. This is an even simpler way to calm yourself. It also helps to orient you to your environment.

• Try the Butterfly Tapping Technique: Another way to calm yourself is to use Butterfly Tapping:
• Sit comfortably, cross your arms over your chest and rest your hands on your upper arms or shoulders. 

• Give yourself alternating gentle taps on your upper arms or shoulder (right then left) in a slow rhythmic motion for 1-3 minutes or until you feel calmer.  This helps to reduce stress (see my article: Self Soothing with the Butterfly Hug).

• Tune Into Your Body and Ask Yourself: "What do I need?"
• What emotions are you feeling and where do you feel it in your body?

Emotional Regulation

• Are you angry?  If so, what are you angry about? What do you need to feel safe?

• Are you afraid? If so, what are you afraid about? What do you need to feel safe?

• Are you lonely? If so, who can you contact to make a meaningful connection? This can also be a connection with a pet.

• Practice Slowing Down With Low Stakes Situations: When you're learning to regulate yourself, practice slowing down with low stakes situations before you try to tackle more high stakes triggers.

Get Help in Therapy

Sometimes self help tips aren't enough and you might need professional help to learn to regulate yourself emotionally.

Get Help in Therapy

A licensed mental health professional can help you to get to the root of your problems so you can overcome the underlying problems that are triggering you.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed psychotherapist so you can live a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

As a trauma therapist with over 25 years of experience, I have helped many individual adults and couples (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

 

How to Develop Emotional Safety in Your Relationship

Emotional safety is an essential part of any relationship.

Emotional Safety in a Relationship

What is Emotional Safety?

Let's start by defining emotional safety.

Emotional safety is an embodied sense that you can be your true self without fear of judgment, rejection or retaliation. 

Emotional Safety in a Relationship

When you feel safe emotionally, your nervous system is calm. You're not in a state of fear. You feel open and comfortable with yourself and with your partner.

Emotional safety is the foundation of a healthy relationships and allows you to share your emotional needs.

Emotional safety also allows you to admit your mistakes because you feel respected and valued by your partner.

If you're in a relationship, you feel heard and validated for your feelings. Even when your partner might not feel the same way, they can understand why you feel like you do.

What Are the Key Elements of Emotional Safety?

• Vulnerability: As previously mentioned, you feel secure enough to talk about difficult topics, fears and insecurities without anticipating a negative reaction (see my article: Emotional Vulnerability as a Pathway to Greater Emotional Intimacy).

Emotional Safety in a Relationship

• Non-judgment: When expressed in a healthy way, your feelings are treated as being understandable as opposed to being "too much" or "wrong".

• Consistency: Being able to predict how your partner will respond helps your nervous system to relax rather than going into a fight, flight, freeze or fawn response.

• Healthy Boundaries: You're able to set healthy boundaries with your partner without your partner making you feel guilty or lashing out.

Why Does Emotional Safety Matter in a Relationship?

When you feel safe in your relationship, you can regulate your emotions and stay emotionally engaged with your partner. 

Emotional Safety in a Relationship

If you don't have emotional safety, you might feel hypervigilant, anxious or an urge to "walk on eggshells" to avoid conflict with your partner.

How Can You Build Emotional Safety in Your Relationship?

To build emotional safety, it's important to:

• Get Curious and Listen: Get curious and listen to your partner to understand rather than to defend or"fix" them (see my article: What is Active Listening?).

• Validate Each Other's Feelings: Acknowledge your partner's feelings--even if you don't agree or you don't feel the same way.

• Be Transparent: Make sure your actions match your words to build trust.

• Make Repairs: Own your mistakes in a timely manner and make an effort to reconnect with your partner.

Get Help in Couples Therapy

There are times when one or both partners have problems establishing and maintaining emotional safety due to prior traumatic experiences either as a child or in prior adult relationships (see my article: How Can Unresolved Trauma Affect Your Ability to Feel Safe?).

Get Help in Couples Therapy

If emotional safety is an issue in your relationship, you and your partner could benefit from working with a couples therapist experienced in Emotionally Focused Therapy for Couples.

Emotionally Focused Therapy (also known as EFT) can help you and your partner understand both of your unmet attachment needs and change negative dynamics in your relationship that keep you both stuck.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help in EFT couples therapy so you can have a more fulfilling relationship (see my article: Tips on How to Get the Most Out of Couples Therapy).

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have over 25 years of experience working with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

How to Build Trust and Connection in Your Relationship 

Recognizing When You Feel Unsafe in Interpersonal Relationships

What Are the 4 Cs of the Attachment Behavioral System?  

Healing From Childhood Trauma: What is the Difference Between Abuse and Emotional Neglect?

I've written about childhood trauma in prior articles, including articles about childhood abuse and neglect.

Childhood Abuse vs Neglect

A common question that clients ask when they are in trauma therapy involves understanding the difference between abuse and neglect, which is the subject of this article (see my article: How Trauma Therapy Can Help You to Overcome Unresolved Trauma).

What is the Difference Between Abuse and Neglect?

The main difference between childhood abuse and neglect is action versus inaction of the caregiver as well as the intent of their behavior. 

• Abuse: Abuse is often an active, intentional, effort to harm, threaten or injure a child. It is an act of commission. Examples include (but are not limited to) physical harm, emotional abuse and sexual abuse. Abuse usually involves intentional, reckless and premeditated behavior.

• Emotional Neglect: Emotional neglect is often passive. It is an act of omission. The caregiver does not provide the necessary basic care (food, shelter, medical care) and emotional nurturance which includes the emotional support, validation, empathy and secure emotional connection for healthy childhood development.

Clinical Vignettes

The following clinical vignettes illustrate the difference between childhood abuse and neglect.  All identifying information has been removed to protect confidentiality.

An Example of Abuse: Sara

When Sara was a young child, her father would often come home drunk and beat Sara and her siblings. He would also hit their mother who felt powerless to stop him from hitting her and the children. By the next day, when the father was sober, he didn't remember hitting his wife and children. But after Sara's maternal uncle moved into the home, he put a stop to the abuse by restraining the father and calling the police. After several incidents where the police were called, the father was court mandated to get into alcohol treatment and the family received mental health services from a local community mental health service.

An Example of Neglect: Tom

When Tom was a young boy, he was emotionally neglected by both of his parents. His mother focused on her design business so that she rarely went to any school activities that Tom participated in. She would frequently place Tom in front of the television while she entertained clients in the house. His father was usually away on business trips and, when he was at home, he spent most of his time in his den watching sports while Tom was alone in his room. When a young family moved next door, the mother would invite Tom to come over to play with her children. She was also kind and compassionate with Tom because she realized he was a lonely boy.

The Trauma of Childhood Abuse and Neglect

Both abuse and emotional neglect are traumatic.

There are times when emotional neglect can be more damaging than abuse because:

• Emotional Neglect is Often Invisible: Emotional neglect can be hard to identify because it's often invisible. Neglect is characterized by what didn't happen (lack of love, attention or validation) as opposed to certain forms of abuse that can be detected based on marks or scars on a child's body that are noticeable.

Childhood Abuse vs Neglect

• Children Internalize Neglect: Whereas children who are abused might blame the abuser, children  who are emotionally neglected often blame themselves. These children believe they are flawed in some way and, as a result, they were unlovable (see my article: Overcoming the Emotional Pain of Feeling Unlovable).

• Brain Development: Many children who are severely and chronically neglected can experience cognitive and language deficits.

What Are the Long Term Effects of Childhood Abuse and Neglect?

Both abuse and neglect can have a long lasting potential psychological effects including:

• Mental Health: Anxiety, depression and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)

• Relationship Problems: Problems with trust, fear of intimacy or self abandonment in relationships (see my article: What is Self Abandonment?)

• Problems with Emotions: Difficulty identifying, managing and expressing emotions 

Conclusion

Although both abuse and neglect can have long lasting effects, studies have shown that neglect is often particularly damaging especially when the neglect is unseen, ignored or overlooked.

Although I have discussed abuse and neglect separately to distinguish one from the other, there can also be a combination of abuse and neglect.

Many adults believe their experience wasn't bad enough to get help.  However, the trauma of abuse and neglect usually require the therapeutic interventions of trauma therapy.

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

Trauma therapy includes a group of therapies that were specifically developed to help clients to overcome the traumatic effects of their history (see my article: Why is Experiential Therapy More Effective at Resolving Trauma Than Talk Therapy?).

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

Trauma therapy includes:

• EMDR Therapy (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing)

• Somatic Experiencing

• AEDP (Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy)

• Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy)

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who is trained as a trauma therapist.

Working through unresolved trauma can help you to free yourself from your history so you can live a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

As a trauma therapist, I have over 25 years of experience helping individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How Avoidance of 1ntimacy Turns Into Emotional Distance in Relationships

One of the most common reasons why couples seek help in couples therapy is due to lack of emotional and sexual intimacy (see my article: Have You and Your Partner Stopped Having Sex?).

Sexual Avoidance Turns Into Emotional Distance

Why Do Couples Avoid Emotional and Sexual Intimacy?

Emotional and sexual avoidance is a complex issue with many possible causes including relational and psychological issues.

Sexual avoidance creates relationship distance by transforming lack of sexual avoidance into emotional detachment. 

Sexual Avoidance Turns Into Emotional Distance

Sexual avoidance is rarely just about sex. It often involves relational, emotional, psychological and behavioral factors. For some couples, it can include physical and medical factors.

Sexual avoidance and emotional distance often stem from one or both partners feeling the need to protect themselves from against vulnerability and pressure. 

Sexual Avoidance Turns Into Emotional Distance

This can set up a cycle where an avoidant partner pulls away and the other partner feels rejected, anxious and lonely.

Here are some of the most common reasons for sexual avoidance and emotional distance:

Relational Issues:

• Communication problems
  

• Lack of trust
  

• Power struggles
  

• Mismatched libido (also known as desire discrepancy)
  

• Lack of relationship satisfaction

• Other unresolved problems

Emotional and Psychological Issues:

Unresolved trauma for one or both partners including:

• A history of sexual abuse
  

• A history of sexual assault

• Anxiety including

• Performance anxiety
  

• Painful sex
  

• General anxiety
  

• Low self esteem
  

• Body image issues
  

• Negative conditioning including strict cultural or religious beliefs that associate sex with guilt and shame (see my article: Overcoming Shame and Guilt Due to Cultural Issues).

Physical or Medical Conditions

• Chronic pain

• Cardiovascular problems

• Diabetes

• Hormonal imbalances including low testosterone

Behavioral Patterns

• An obsessive avoidance of sexual intimacy

• A tendency to detach emotionally or feel unsafe with closeness

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy where individuals or couples seek help (see my article:    What is Sex Therapy?).

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Sex therapy does not include any nudity or sex during therapy sessions (see my article: What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

Individuals and couples seek help in sex therapy for a variety of reasons (see my article: What Are Common Reasons Why Individuals and Couples Seek Help in Sex Therapy?).

Not all couples therapists have training as sex therapists so it's important to ask whether or not a couples therapist is a certified sex therapist.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who ia a certified sex therapist.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have over 25 years of experience working with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

What is Sexual Self Esteem?

What is Good Sex?

Creating Sexual Desire With the Simmer Technique? 

How to Support a Friend Who is Depressed

Supporting a depressed friend can be challenging, especially if you don't understand what it means to be depressed, so it can be helpful to familiarize yourself with the symptoms of depression (see my article: What is the Difference Between Sadness and Depression?).

Supporting a Friend Who is Depressed

What is Major Depression?

Major depression is a common serious mood disorder.

Depression isn't just "feeling bad". It's a persistent condition that is often episodic and which usually lasts at least two weeks.

Depression isn't a sign of "weakness." It's a mental health condition that is treatable for most people.

Approximately 8-9% of adults in the U.S. experience at least one episode of major depression in their lifetime.

Approximately 15-20% of children ages 12-17 experience depression in the U.S. (see my article: Adolescent Depression).

There are gender differences with women being twice as likely to experience depression than men in the U.S.

Symptoms can include:

• Intense sadness

• Irritability

• Loss of interest in activities that were once enjoyable

• Problems sleeping

• Feeling worthless

• Problems concentrating

• Poor appetite

• Weight loss

• Possible suicidal thoughts

• Possible intent and plan to commit suicide

What Causes Major Depression?

Major depression is often a combination of genetic and environmental factors including (but not limited to):

• A genetic predisposition for depression

• A traumatic history including:
• Emotional neglect
• Abuse
• Loss of a loved one
• Other losses

• Major life changes including (but not limited to):Moving to a new areRelationship problems
• Separation or divorce
• Children moving out of the house (see my article: Coping With Empty Nest Syndrome)

• Low self esteem

• Pessimism

• Medical conditions

• Substance misuse/abuse

• Financial problems

• Medications

How Can You Help a Friend Who is Depressed?

Supporting a friend who is depressed can be challenging.

Supporting a Friend Who is Depressed

Here are some tips for helping a depressed friend:

• Listen without judgment

• Keep in touch to check in with them

• Offer help including
• Helping with chores
• Running errands
• Offering childcare to give them a break
• Helping with other tasks

• Encourage your friend to get professional help which might include helping them to find a psychotherapist or psychiatrist in their area.

• Be patient and understand that recovery from depression can take a while.

What Should You Not Do?

• Don't say things like "Snap out of it' or "Cheer up" or "You have so much to be grateful for."

• Don't minimize or dismiss their pain by saying, "Things could be worse."

• Don't compare them unfavorably to others (see my article: Comparison and Judgment Are the Thieves of Joy).

• Don't blame them for their depression.

• Don't try to be their psychotherapist. Be their friend.

Take Care of Yourself

Supporting a loved one who is depressed can be physically and emotionally draining 

Self Care

Make sure you have your own friends and support system.

Set boundaries.

Seek help for yourself if you feel overwhelmed by your friend's depression.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also see my articles: 

Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD)

Are You Concerned About Your Spouses Depression? 

What is the Connection Between Anxiety and Depression?