Shame can lead to destructive behavior in relationships (see my article: Self Acceptance as the Antidote to Shame).
Shame often causes partners to present a false self in their relationship (see my article: Becoming Your True Self).
How Does Shame Impact Relationships?
Shame often shows up as unconscious self protective behavior driven by fear of being seen as flawed or unlovable.
Here are some of the ways shame impacts relationships:
- Emotional Withdrawal and Distancing: A partner might shut down emotionally or physically, go silent, pull away to hide feelings of inadequacy which creates barriers to intimacy.
- Anger and Aggression: To avoid feeling emotionally vulnerable, a partner might externalize shame by becoming angry, contemptuous, critical or abusive (see my article: Communication Problems: The Horsemen of the Apocalypse).
- Perfectionism and People Pleasing: A partner might try to earn love by trying to be "perfect", which causes them to abandon their own emotional needs in order to please their partner and avoid rejection (see my articles: People Pleasing and What is Self Abandonment?).
- Self Sabotage: Shame can make a partner believe they are unworthy of love which can cause them to create conflict or push their partner away (see my article: Overcoming Self Sabotaging Behavior).
- Defensiveness: Shame can make a partner defensive, blame their partner or refuse to take responsibility for their actions (see my article: How to Change Defensive Behavior).
- Physical Signs: Shame can be expressed through body language such as tension, hunched posture, blushing or refusing to make eye contact.
- Controlling Behavior: A partner can behave in a domineering way to hide their feelings of inadequacy (see my article: Controlling Behavior).
How to Overcome a Negative Cycle of Shame in a Relationship
Here are some of the essential strategies for overcoming shame in a relationship:
- Vulnerability and Open Communication: Vulnerability and open communication are essential parts of any healthy relationship (see my article: Emotional Vulnerability as a Pathway to Emotional Intimacy).
- Identify Triggers: Identifying each partner's triggers will help each person to be aware and try to avoid triggering and retriggering each other. Being aware of triggers can also help partners to identify and prevent the negative cycle in their relationship.
- Practice Compassion: Compassion, including self compassion, can help you to feel empathy for yourself and your partner.
- Own Your Mistakes: When you own your mistakes, instead of becoming defensive, you and your partner are more likely to be able to repair ruptures without creating long lasting resentment (see my article: Having the Courage to Admit to Your Mistakes).
- Build an Emotionally Safe Environment: Create an emotionally safe environment in your relationship (see my article: How to Create Emotional Safety in Your Relationship).
- Replace Shame With Connection: Share your vulnerable feelings with your partner. Instead of being judgmental with your partner, become curious. Create a relationship where you both feel seen, heard and valued. Aside from communicating verbally, rebuild closeness through shared activities like physical touch, hobbies or going for a walk.
- Seek Professional Help: If you and your partner feel stuck, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who is an Emotionally Focused couples therapist (EFT). An EFT therapist can help you to overcome the negative cycle in your relationship that keeps you from having a fulfilling relationship (see my article: What is Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples?).
About Me
I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS/Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.
I have over 25 years of experience working with individual adults and couples.
To learn more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.
To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.


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