Managing Emotions: What is the Life Cycle of an Emotion?

Many people struggle with allowing themselves to experience their emotions. 

The Life Cycle of Emotions

This is often because they were taught at a young age, either directly or indirectly, that certain emotions need to be controlled or suppressed--especially emotions like sadness, grief, shame or other uncomfortable emotions (see my article: Overcoming Trauma: You're Not Defined By What Happened to You).

The Life Cycle of Emotions

In therapy people learn that emotions are like waves. 

They have a life cycle: They ascend, peak and subside. 

Driven by a neurochemical release, this often occurs in as little as 90 seconds (see my article: Developing Emotional Regulation Skills).

Emotions Are Like Waves

An emotion often starts with a trigger, intensifies as the brain processes the emotion and peaks when physiological sensations (e.g., heart rate) are most intense. Then the emotion will subside as the body processes the neurochemical surge.

Let's break this down further to understand the life cycle of emotions:

• The Rise: An event triggers a reaction which causes a surge of neurochemicals in the brain. The feeling begins as a sensation in the body. This might include a tightness in the chest, a flash of heat or the sensation of a drop in the stomach. 

• The Peak: Usually within as little as 90 seconds the emotion reaches its maximum intensity. At that point, the "reptilian brain", which is the oldest part of the brain, can take over and trigger the fight, flight or freeze response. This often causes an inability to think straight.

• The Fall: If the emotion is not stimulated again by further thought, the chemicals dissipate from the blood and the sensation subsides.

How Do Emotions Get Prolonged?

While the natural physiological wave of an emotion is short, emotional experiences can last for hours or days if you "feed" them. 

This happens by replaying a story in your mind, ruminating about it, and overanalyzing it, which creates another 90 second loop and another and another.

How to Manage the Wave of an Emotion

• Label the Emotion: Acknowledge the emotion ("I feel angry" or "I feel sad") to reduce its power.

Breathe Through the Emotion

• Breathe Through the Emotion: Stay present with the physical sensations without trying to fight it or suppress it (see my article: Square Breathing).

• Let It Go: Allow the emotion to pass naturally instead of feeding the emotions.

Conclusion

Knowing about the life cycle of emotions is essential for improving mental health, developing emotional intelligence and developing a better relationship with yourself and others.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have over 25 years of experiencing helping individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How to Avoid Making the Same Mistakes From One Relationship to the Next

Years ago a friend said to me, "I just don't have any luck in relationships." 

How to Avoid Making the Same Mistakes in Relationships

At that point, I knew he wasn't ready to hear that "luck" had nothing to do with his ongoing relationship problems. 

Once he had taken the time to heal from his last breakup, he was able to see how he was unconsciously recreating the same problems from one relationship to the next with the same result--heartbreak (see my article: How to Stop Bringing Old Wounds Into a New Relationship).

What Are Relationship Patterns?

A relationship pattern is when you repeat the same behaviors repeatedly in old and new relationships so that you keep creating the same negative cycle.

How to Avoid Making the Same Mistakes in Relationships

No one wants to hear that they are unconsciously bringing the same problems into all their relationships. It takes a genuine sense of curiosity and an openness to become more self aware to hear how you might be creating problems for yourself (see my article: What is Self Reflective Awareness and Why Is It Important to You?).

What Are Some of These Unhealthy Patterns?

Some of the unhealthy patterns include (but are not limited to):

• Choosing partners with the same or similar problems (e.g., problems with alcohol/drugs, abusive behavior and so on)

• Being unwilling to communicate when challenging issues arise (see my article: Are You a Stonewaller?)

• Being unwilling to see how you contribute to the negative cycle in your relationship

• Being too dependent on your partner (see my article: What is the Difference Between Codependency and Interdependency?)

• Being unwilling to compromise or change your behavior which contributes to the negative cycle in your relationship

How to Avoid Making the Same Mistakes in Relationships

• Expecting to have all your needs fulfilled by your partner (see my article: Your Partner Can't Fulfill All Your Needs)

• Behaving like a parent to your partner (see my article: Behaving Like a Parent to Your Partner Could Be Ruining Your Relationship)

• Acting like a roommate to your partner (see my article: Have You and Your Partner Stopped Having Sex?)

• Controlling or passive aggressive behavior (see my article: Controlling Behavior)

• Keeping score (see my article: Stop Keeping Score in Your Relationship)

Why Do People Repeat the Same Negative Relationship Patterns?

Sigmund Freud developed the original concept of repetition compulsion which is a tendency to unconsciously reenact past unresolved trauma in an attempt to try to gain mastery over them.

Relationship repetition syndrome is the modern psychological application of Freud's repetition compulsion where individuals recreate painful and traumatic attachment patterns in adult relationships (see my article: What is Traumatic Reenactment?).

Key Factors of Relationship Repetition Syndrome

• Lack of Awareness and Self Reflection: If you get involved in a new relationship too quickly, you're not taking the time to understand what went wrong in the last relationship and your contribution to it.

• Ignoring Red Flags: Related to lack of awareness and self reflection, when you ignore or minimize red flags with new partners, you're more likely to repeat the same problems (see my article: Are You Ignoring Red Flags?).

• An Unconscious Drive to Repeat the Same Patterns: There is an unconscious compulsion to recreate familiar painful dynamics. 

• Being Drawn to What is Familiar: You're drawn to what is familiar, even if it's painful, because the brain interprets familiarity with being "normal".

• Unresolved Trauma: These patterns often stem from early childhood trauma or past traumatic relationships that haven't been fully processed or resolved (see my article: When Past Trauma Affects You in the Present).

• The Desire For Mastery: According to Freud, repetition compulsion is an unconscious attempt to change the end of past trauma, especially early childhood trauma. Similarly, when you might reenact conflicts each partner hoping to "fix" your partner to achieve a different outcome than the original childhood trauma.

Examples of Relationship Repetition Syndrome:

• Recreating Traumatic Childhood Dynamics: If you had emotionally unable parents, you might unconsciously choose emotionally unavailable partners (see my article: Recreating Past Trauma in the Present).

• Reenacting Abuse or Neglect: If you grew up with abuse or neglect as a child, you might unconsciously choose partners who will be abusive or emotionally neglectful (see my article: Healing Childhood Trauma: What is the Differnce Between Abuse and Neglect?).

• Self Sabotage: Unconsciously engaging in behaviors that destroy an otherwise functional relationship in an attempt to reenact a familiar and dysfunctional family history (see my article: Overcoming Self Sabotaging Behavior).

How To Stop Repeating the Same Mistakes From One Relationship to the Next

• Avoid Getting Involved in a New Relationship Too Quickly: Instead of jumping into a new relationship, take time to reflect on the patterns you bring to a potential new relationship. Analyze your patterns. Reflect on the recurring negative patterns from your family of origin or past relationships.

• Work on Changing Small Patterns: Instead of trying to change everything at once, focus on changing one behavior pattern at a time.

• Get Help in Trauma Therapy: If you keep recreating the traumatic past in your relationships, you could benefit from working with a trauma therapist to resolve your past trauma so you don't keep repeating it in your relationships. Trauma therapy includes therapy that was specifically developed to help clients to overcome trauma including EMDR, IFS, AEDP and Somatic Experiencing. Once you have freed yourself from your traumatic past, you will be free to have more fulfilling relationships (see my article: How Trauma Therapy Can Help You to Overcome Unresolved Trauma).

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have over 25 years of experience as a trauma therapist helping individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

The Silent Treatment and Gaslighting As Emotional and Psychological Abuse

The combination of the silent treatment and gaslighting is a powerful form of emotional and psychological abuse (see my article: What is Psychological Manipulation?).

Let's look at each one separately and then we'll look at them together.

What is the Silent Treatment?

It's important to distinguish the silent treatment from someone who communicates they need a break from an argument.  

The Silent Treatment

When someone communicates they need a break, they usually do it because they are feeling overwhelmed or they feel a conflict is getting out of control and both people need a break. The understanding is that this is a temporary break and both sides will come together again in a calmer state to continue talking.

The silent treatment a deliberate and prolonged withdrawal of communication. It's usually used to control and inflict punishment.  

What is Gaslighting?

Gaslighting involves manipulating someone into questioning their own thoughts, perceptions and memories (see my article: What Are the 7 Stages of Gaslighting in a Relationship?).

Gaslighting

Gaslighting is a control tactic to get someone to doubt their reality so they often become dependent upon the abuser.

    Common tactics or phrases include:

• Denial of Facts: "That never happened" or "I never said that" even when they are confronted with proof

• Trivializing Feelings: "You're overreacting" or "You're too sensitive"

• Diverting/Blocking: "You're just imagining things" or accusing someone of being "crazy"

• Twisting Information: Manipulating events to make the other person feel guilty or at fault

    Signs of Gaslighting:

• Second-Guessing Yourself: You constantly second guess your memories or decisions.

• Confusion, Anxiety, Disorientation: You feel confused, anxious or disoriented.

• Self Doubt: You feel like you can't do anything right.

How Does the Combination of the Silent Treatment and Gaslighting Function as Abuse?

• Gaslighted By Silence: When someone uses the silent treatment, they are withholding emotion and connection. If they deny they were cold or indicate that they were "just taking space", despite engaging in a cruel and prolonged shutdown, they are using silence as a form of gaslighting.

Gaslighting By Silence

• Creating "Crazy-Making" Doubt: They might ignore the other person after a disagreement and then act as if nothing happened or accuse the other person of overreacting when they try to address their prolonged coldness. This can cause the other person to question their perceptions.

• The Cycle of Punishment and Reward: They use silence to punish the other person as a way to manipulate them into "working" for the resumption of the conversation (e.g., apologizing for something they didn't do).

• Narcissistic Tendencies: People who use the silent treatment and gaslighting tend to have narcissistic tendencies. They often engage in this behavior to avoid taking responsibility.

What is the Psychological Impact of the Silent Treatment and Gaslighting?

• Internalized Blame and Feelings of Inadequacy: The person who is experiencing the silent treatment and gaslighting can feel shame, guilt and a decrease in their sense of self worth.

Self Blame and Doubt

• "Walking on Eggshells": They can develop high anxiety and hypervigilance while monitoring the other person's mood to avoid another episode of the silent treatment.

• Trauma Bonding: The unpredictable cycle of severe disconnection followed by sudden reconnection can create trauma bonds making them increasingly dependent on the other person (see my article: What isTrauma Bonding in a Relationship?.).

• Physical and Neurological Pain: Research indicates that being deliberately ignored activates the same area in the brain, the anterior cingulate cortex, that processes physical pain.

• Long Term Effects: Prolonged exposure to a combination of the silent treatment and gaslighting can lead to symptoms similar to posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD) including chronic stress, anxiety, depression and confusion.

What Can You Do If You're Experiencing the Silent Treatment and Gaslighting?

• Be Aware This is Abuse: By recognizing this behavior as abuse that is meant to control you can help you to reduce self blame.

Setting Boundaries

• Set Boundaries: Communicate that you won't engage with someone who refuses to communicate openly and effectively (see my article: Setting Boundaries in Your Relationship).

• Document Incidents: Keep a record of these incidents to counteract the effects to gaslighting.

Getting Help in Therapy

• Seek Support: Reach out to trusted friends, family members and a licensed mental health professional to break the cycle of isolation.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), AEDP, Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have over 25 years of experience helping individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How Does Shame Impact Relationships?

Shame can lead to destructive behavior in relationships (see my article: Self Acceptance as the Antidote to Shame).

How Shame Impacts Relationships

Shame often causes partners to present a false self in their relationship (see my article: Becoming Your True Self).

How Does Shame Impact Relationships?

Shame often shows up as unconscious self protective behavior driven by fear of being seen as flawed or unlovable.

Here are some of the ways shame impacts relationships:

• Emotional Withdrawal and Distancing: A partner might shut down emotionally or physically, go silent, pull away to hide feelings of inadequacy which creates barriers to intimacy.

• Anger and Aggression: To avoid feeling emotionally vulnerable, a partner might externalize shame by becoming angry, contemptuous, critical or abusive (see my article: Communication Problems: The Horsemen of the Apocalypse).

How Shame Impacts Couples

• Perfectionism and People Pleasing: A partner might try to earn love by trying to be "perfect", which causes them to abandon their own emotional needs in order to please their partner and avoid rejection (see my articles: People Pleasing and What is Self Abandonment?).

• Self Sabotage: Shame can make a partner believe they are unworthy of love which can cause them to create conflict or push their partner away (see my article: Overcoming Self Sabotaging Behavior).

• Defensiveness: Shame can make a partner defensive, blame their partner or refuse to take responsibility for their actions (see my article: How to Change Defensive Behavior).

• Physical Signs: Shame can be expressed through body language such as tension, hunched posture, blushing or refusing to make eye contact.

• Controlling Behavior: A partner can behave in a domineering way to hide their feelings of inadequacy (see my article: Controlling Behavior).

How to Overcome a Negative Cycle of Shame in a Relationship

Here are some of the essential strategies for overcoming shame in a relationship:

• Vulnerability and Open Communication:  Vulnerability and open communication are essential parts of any healthy relationship (see my article: Emotional Vulnerability as a Pathway to Emotional Intimacy).

Overcoming the Negative Cycle

• Identify Triggers: Identifying each partner's triggers will help each person to be aware and try to avoid triggering and retriggering each other. Being aware of triggers can also help partners to identify and prevent the negative cycle in their relationship.

• Practice Compassion: Compassion, including self compassion, can help you to feel empathy for yourself and your partner.

• Own Your Mistakes: When you own your mistakes, instead of becoming defensive, you and your partner are more likely to be able to repair ruptures without creating long lasting resentment (see my article: Having the Courage to Admit to Your Mistakes).

• Build an Emotionally Safe Environment: Create an emotionally safe environment in your relationship (see my article: How to Create Emotional Safety in Your Relationship).

Create Emotional Safety in Your Relationship

• Replace Shame With Connection: Share your vulnerable feelings with your partner. Instead of being judgmental with your partner, become curious. Create a relationship where you both feel seen, heard and valued. Aside from communicating verbally, rebuild closeness through shared activities like physical touch, hobbies or going for a walk.

Seek Help in EFT Couples Therapy

• Seek Professional Help: If you and your partner feel stuck, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who is an Emotionally Focused couples therapist (EFT). An EFT therapist can help you to overcome the negative cycle in your relationship that keeps you from having a fulfilling relationship (see my article: What is Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples?).

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS/Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have over 25 years of experience working with individual adults and couples.

To learn more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Self Acceptance as the Antidote to Shame

Shame is a painful emotion which is part of a deep sense of being flawed, unworthy and unlovable (see my article: Overcoming the Emotional Pain of Feeling Unlovable).

Self Acceptance as the Antidote to Shame

Shame often stems from early childhood experiences of trauma including abuse and emotional neglect (see my article: What is the Difference Between Childhood Abuse and Neglect?).

Shame is feeling bad about who you are as opposed to guilt which is feeling bad about something you did (see my article: Understanding the Difference Between Guilt and Shame).

Core Concepts About Shame

• Childhood/Developmental Trauma: Abuse, neglect and punitive parenting often leads to long lasting feelings of inadequacy.

• The Internal Critic: Negative messages from parents and other authority figures are internalized. This creates the internal critic which devalues the individual and makes them feel ashamed of themself (see my article: Making Friends With Your Internal Critic).

Self Acceptance as the Antidote to Shame

• Cultural Expectations: An inability to meet cultural, societal or religious expectations can create feelings of shame.

• Fear of Disconnection: Shame is a response to the fear of being rejected by others. 

• Trauma and Mental Health: Shame is a common outcome of trauma. Shame is also at the root of many other mental health issues (see my article: Shame is at the Root of Most Emotional Problems).

• Social Media and Comparison: Social media can fuel shame through constant comparisons with regard to perceived shortcomings about looks, success or other issues (see my article: Comparison and Judgment Are the Thieves of Joy).

How is Self Acceptance an Antidote to Shame?

Self acceptance is an antidote to shame because it can dismantle a harsh inner critic as well as feelings of isolation and inadequacy.

By developing self acceptance you can overcome the toxic effects of shame.

Self Acceptance as the Antidote to Shame

You can also develop emotional resilience to develop a kinder, more loving relationship with yourself.

How to Develop Self Acceptance

There are many ways you can develop self acceptance including:

• Focusing on your strengths (see my article: Focusing on Your Strengths).

• Journaling to increase your self awareness and self compassion

Self Acceptance as the Antidote to Shame

• Develop an external perspective: Ask yourself what your best friend would say about you

• Meditation: Mindfulness meditation can help to deepen self awareness and compassion

Getting Help in Therapy

If self help strategies aren't working for you, consider getting help from a licensed mental health professional who is trained as a trauma therapist.

Self Acceptance as the Antidote to Shame

By working through unresolved trauma related to your feelings of shame, you can free yourself of your traumatic history so you can live a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have over 25 years of experience as a trauma therapist helping individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Getting Your Emotional Needs Met in Your Relationship

In Julie Mennano's book, Secure Love, she discusses how couples attempt to get their attachment needs met based on their attachment styles.

Getting Your Attachment Needs Met

How Are Attachment Styles Formed?

Attachment styles are formed primarily during infancy and early childhood. 

Attachment styles develop based on the responsiveness, consistency and emotional availability of the child's caretakers.

These early interactions form an internal working model or "blueprint" for how individuals perceive, expect and act in relationships, including adult romantic relationships (see my article: How Early Attachment Bonds Affect Adult Relationships).

What Are Attachment Needs?

Attachment needs are basic human needs for safety, security and connection.

As adults, these attachment needs are primarily met in romantic relationships--although they can also be met through other relationships like close friendships.

Core attachment needs include:

• Safety and security: A predictable, reliable environment
• Soothing (regulation): Comfort and support
• Validation and attunement: Feeling seen, heard, understood and worthy to their partner
• Connection and belonging: A need for closeness and acceptance which reduces loneliness
• Structure and boundaries: Clear rules and limits that provide a structure for safety

Within the attachment styles, there are three insecure attachment styles and one secure attachment styles.

About 50% of people have a secure attachment style and 50% have an insecure attachment style.

The insecure attachment styles include:

• Anxious attachment
• Avoidant attachment
• Disorganized attachment

Although couples can be any combination, most couples with insecure attachment are usually made up of one person with an anxious attachment style and one person with an avoidant attachment style.

Anxious Attachment Style

People with an anxious attachment style try to get their attachment needs met through protest behavior and other similar behaviors which are driven by a deep fear of abandonment.

Anxious Attachment Style

Although their desire is to get their partner's attention and re-establish connection, their efforts often have the opposite effect on their partner.

Common behaviors include:

• Protest behavior: Engaging in actions which are meant to get their partner's attention and try to re-establish connection including threatening to leave, sending many texts, leaving many phone messages, trying to make their partner jealous.

• Hypervigilance: Monitoring their partner's behavior in a state of hypervigilance for lack of attention or signs of emotional withdrawal which they interpret as threats to the relationship.

• Overcompensation and clinging: Becoming clingy as a way to ensure their partner stays. This often results in their neglecting their own needs in the process (see my article:What is Self Abandonment?).

• Emotional volatility and conflict: Using intense emotional outbursts, lashing out and or criticism to force engagement.

• Guilt-tripping: Using passive aggressive tactics to get affection from their partner.

Avoidant Attachment Style

People with an avoidant attachment style try to get their attachment needs met by creating physical and emotional distance to avoid feeling overwhelmed. 

Avoidant Attachment Style

Their challenge is they often find it difficult to articulate their need for space without seeming distant or rejecting of their partner.  

Common behaviors include:

• Need for silence and space: Taking time alone especially after arguments or stressful situations so they can process their emotions (see my article: Compromising About Time Together and Time Apart).

• Preferring "parallel" connection: They might feel more comfortable being in the same room with their partner while they watch TV silently or doing separate activities rather than engaging in direct emotional connection.

• Enforcing boundaries: They require significant personal space to regulate themselves emotionally, pulling away when they feel smothered or during conflict as a way to regain a sense of safety.

Disorganized Attachment Style

People with disorganized attachment style try to get their attachment needs met through a  tumultuous "push-pull" dynamic where they shift from demands for closeness to sudden fearful withdrawal.

Their challenge is they desire closeness but they also fear it, which leads to chaotic and unpredictable behavior in their partner's eyes. At times, they might preemptively reject their partner to avoid feeling abandoned (see my article: An Emotional Dilemma: Wanting and Dreading Love).

Common behaviors include:

• Push/anxious behavior: When they fear they will be abandoned, they can become clingy, demanding or highly dependent as a way to get reassurance from their partner.

• Pull/avoidant behavior: When they feel emotionally vulnerable, they can become abruptly cold, distant or erratic to regain their sense of safety and independence.

• Conflicting communication: They might give mixed messages, wanting affection but acting cold and rejecting.

• Self-sabotage: When they believe they might get hurt by their partner, they might unconsciously create conflict or break up with a partner to feel like they are in control of the rejection (see my article: Overcoming Self Sabotaging Behavior).

• Problems regulating emotions: They can struggle to express their needs. They often react to past unresolved trauma rather than what is happening in the present which makes it difficult for them to communicate their needs and for their partner to understand their needs (see my article: Emotional Regulation).

Problems For Couples With Anxious and Avoidant Attachment

Couples with insecure attachment often struggle with intense emotional instability, poor communication and trust issues.

Anxious and Insecure Attachment

Common problems for couples with an anxious and an avoidant attachment can be intense codependency as opposed to interdependency (see my article: What is the Difference Between Codependency and Interdependency?).

The anxious partner's demands for closeness can trigger the avoidant partner's need to withdraw which, in turn, reinforces the anxious partner's anxiety so they get caught in a negative cycle (see my article: Breaking the Negative Cycle in Your Relationship).

What is Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples?

Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) helps each individual to understand their own attachment style and how they create a negative cycle together (see my article: What is Emotionally Focused Therapy for Couples?).

EFT also helps couples to learn that neither of them is the "enemy". Instead, the "enemy" is the negative cycle which they must learn to break together as a team.

Getting Help in Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy

If you and your partner are stuck in a negative cycle, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who is an EFT couples therapist.

Getting Help in EFT Couples Therapy

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from an experienced EFT couples therapist so you can have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have over 25 years of experiencing helping individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: Why is Sexual Aftercare Important?

I wrote about the importance of aftercare in a prior article about BDSM (Bondage and Discipline, Dominance and Submission and Sadism and Masochism), but aftercare isn't just for BDSM--it's important for non-BDSM encounters too, so I'm exploring that topic in this article.

Aftercare Shows You Care

The concept of sexual aftercare began in the BDSM community and is now considered a common practice in conventional sex that does not include BDSM.

What is Sexual Aftercare?

There is no one-size fits all approach to sexual aftercare.

Aftercare Shows You Care

Sexual aftercare is an essential part of sexual intimacy which helps to foster emotional connection and intimacy. 

Sexual aftercare involves both physical and emotional care which often go together.

Physical aftercare can include:

• Cuddling
• Offering a gentle massage
• Sharing a blanket
• Hydrating or having a snack
• Tending to potential injuries that can occur during sex including scratches or bruises
• Showering together
• Taking a nap
• Reading together
• Listening to music
• Anything partners enjoy that maintains physical comfort and closeness

Emotional aftercare can include:

• Open, reassuring conversations between partners
• Discussing vulnerable feelings

Why is Sexual Aftercare Important?

Sexual aftercare is important for many reasons including that it:

• Helps each partner to relax and recover in a caring way

Aftercare Shows You Care

• Shows mutual respect and appreciation

• Helps partners to feel secure

• Helps to ease partners to transition from sex to everyday life without feeling an abrupt change

• Helps the body to adjust to fading feel-good hormones like oxytocin and dopamine which are released during sexual activity

• Helps to avoid postcoital dysphoria which is a condition that some people experience after sex which includes sadness, anxiety or distress

• Helps to prevent negative emotions where one or both partners can feel used, dismissed, unappreciated. Other people can experience guilt or shame if they don't engage in sexual aftercare

What Not to Do After Sex

• Avoid jumping out of bed immediately after sex to take a shower unless you and your partner have agreed to this beforehand. If you abruptly leave your partner after sex, your partner can feel alone and abandoned after such an intimate experience. 

• If you feel sweaty and uncomfortable after sex, after you cuddle with your partner, you can use a warm wash cloth and offer one to your partner. You can also shower together so the showering becomes part of the sexual intimacy. 

• Even if you and your partner have a casual friendship or relationship, don't treat your partner like a sexual object. Show them respect and care.

How to Set Up Sexual Aftercare Before Sex

• Clear communication with your partner is the key to having sexual aftercare that you and your partner can enjoy together.

Aftercare Shows You Care

• Share information with your partner about your aftercare needs and find out what they prefer.

Conclusion

Sexual aftercare is an important part of sexual intimacy.

There is no right or wrong way to do sexual aftercare as long as it meets your needs and your partner's needs.

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

If you and your partner have been having sexual problems, you could benefit from talking to a sex therapist (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

Individual adults and couples seek help in sex therapy for a variety of reasons (see my article: Why Do Individuals and Couples Seek Help in Sex Therapy).

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy. There is no nudity or sex during sex therapy sessions (see my article: Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy).

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a certified sex therapist so you can have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist).

I have over 25 years of experience working with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles: 

Have You and Your Partner Stopped Having Sex?  

Sexual Desire Discrepancy: You and Your Partner Have Different Levels of Sexual Desire

What is Sexual Self Esteem? 

The Four Cs of Safer and More Pleasurable Sex 

Understanding Your Sexual Arousal Type  

Overcoming Anxiety-Related Erectile Problems 

To Improve Sexual Intimacy Get Off the Sexual Staircase

What is Erotic Empathy?  

Overcoming Sexual Shame and Guilt 

Overcoming Painful Sex