Journal Prompts to Cope With Perfectionism

As I discussed in a prior article, Journaling to Relieve Stress and Anxiety, journaling is a powerful tool when you want to make changes in your life.

When you're struggling with trying to be "perfect", journaling can help you to soften your perfectionistic tendencies, including calming down your inner critic (see my article: The Cycle of Perfectionism, Procrastination and Paralysis).

Writing in a Journal to Cope With Perfectionism

Journaling can also help you to understand the root of your problem and also develop self compassion for the critical part of yourself (see my article: Making Friends With Your Inner Critic).

The act of journaling gives you a safe space to explore your feelings.

The other benefits to journaling about perfectionism include:

• Explore the Roots of Your Problem and the Triggers - Understanding the origin of your problem can also help you understand how perfectionism became a survival strategy and coping mechanism.

• Your Early Influences: Did your parents, teachers, mentors or other people in your life exhibit perfectionist behavior?

Writing in a Journal to Cope With Perfectionism

• Your Earliest Memories: What is your first memory of feeling the urge to be "perfect"?

• Your Current Triggers: What specific situations trigger your inner critic and perfectionist behavior (e.g., family, relationships, work, fitness etc)?

• Your Cultural Pressure: How do your cultural and social circles influence how you feel about past achievements and future aspirations?

• Your Past and Current Survival Strategies: How did perfectionism act as a survival strategy in the past and in current situations? How is it hurting you now?

• Have Dialogues With Your Inner Critic - Perfectionism often shows up in extreme ways of thinking, feeling and behaving. You can challenge rigid rules and reframe distorted thoughts and unhelpful feelings and behaviors:

• Define "Good Enough": What internal or external benchmarks do you use to decide if a task or project is "good enough" and complete? (Perfection vs. Good Enough).

• Expose the Hidden Rules: What unconscious rules do you live by that keep your anxiety and perfectionism high?

• Consider the Worst Case Scenario: If you were to fail at your current goal, project or task, what is the worst thing that could happen?

• Choose Alternative Self Talk: What is a harsh thought about yourself that you had recently? What is a kinder, more realistic alternative that you can tell yourself instead?

• Redefine Failure: What is your current emotional relationship with failure? How can you see it as useful information for you instead of failure?

• Release Control and Embracing Failure - Letting to of perfectionism allows you to focus and feel free about the process:

• Loosen Your Grip: Where in your life are you trying to control the outcome the most?

Writing in a Journal to Cope With Perfectionism

• Try an Experiment: What is one small thing you can intentionally do imperfectly this week just to see the outcome?

• Lower the Bar: Which of your deadlines or unrealistic self-imposed standards can you safely lower today?

• Learn to Enjoy the Mess: What would you enjoy right now if you weren't concerned about making it "perfect"?

• Reclaim Your Time: What would help the perfectionist part of yourself to relax and soften to give you some free time back?

• Celebrating Progress and Self Compassion - Shift your focus to the personal growth you have developed and not on what you have left to do:

• Focus on Past Desires: What do you currently do or possess that you wanted in the past? Ten years ago? Five years ago? One year ago?

• Focus on Boundary Wins: What demands are you now declining that you used to  accept out of guilt or shame?

• Recognize Unseen Achievements: Write down three wins from this week that have nothing to do with external productivity--no matter how small they are.

• Recognize Your Unconditional Self Worth: Aside from your accomplishments or hoped-for accomplishments and regardless of productivity, what qualities do you possess that make you an inherently valuable person?

Writing in a Journal to Cope With Perfectionism

Quick Tips For Journalers Who Are Perfectionists

People who have perfectionist tendencies often struggle with journaling because they get stuck in certain areas. This is usually because they:

• Want to pick the "perfect" book or online site to use to journal.
• Believe their journal should be "flawless" with no scratch outs or scribbles.
• Believe that whatever they write should be very insightful all the time.

If this sounds like you, you can try these quick tips to see if they're helpful for you:

• The "Ruin It" Strategy: If you're writing in a journal book, you can start your journal with a big intentional scribble to break the distortion in your thinking that your journal must be "perfect".

• Time Your Writing Sessions: Set a timer for 5 or 10 minutes and stop writing when the timer goes off--even if you are in mid-sentence. This can help you to overcome the habit that what you're doing must be completely finished.

• No Editing Allowed: Use a pen. Don't cross out mistakes. Don't tear out pages from your journal. Allow the journal to be messy.

Get Help in Therapy

These journal prompts and tips can help you to cope with perfectionism.

However, if you want to overcome perfectionism, you might need to do deeper work with a licensed mental health professional who can help you to overcome the problems that are holding you back.

Get Help in Therapy 

Rather than struggling on your own, IFS Therapy is particularly effective at helping clients to overcome perfectionism and other problems (see my article: IFS Therapy is a Gentle, Evidence Based Therapy).

 I will write more about how IFS therapy helps overcome perfectionism this in my next article.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, IFS Parts Work, EFT Couples Therapist, Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have helped many individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

I provide a free 10-15 minute phone call before setting up an appointment.

You can call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or you can email me.

Also See My Articles:

Overcoming Your Fear of Making Mistakes

Overcoming Recurring Patterns of Self Sabotage

Fear of Change 

What is a Growth Mindset vs a Fixed Mindset? 

What is Somatic IFS Therapy? 

Coping With Perfectionism in Relationships

 

Getting Help in Therapy is a Sign of Strength--Not a Sign of Weakness

Getting help in therapy is a sign of personal strength.  

Going to Therapy is a Sign of Strength

Seeking help is never a sign of weakness or defeat (see my article: Common Myths About Therapy: Going to Therapy Means You're "Weak").

Why Going to Therapy is a Sign of Personal Strength

When someone is ready to begin therapy, far from being a sign of weakness, going to therapy often requires courage to face difficult emotions, possibly confronting social or cultural stigma and making a commitment to change and personal strength.

Going to Therapy of Sign of Strength

A skilled psychotherapist can make the process more manageable by pacing the process to prevent emotional overwhelm.

Why is There a Stigma For Getting Help in Therapy?

Although it's more acceptable for people to get help in therapy these days, many people, who need help, are still afraid to seek help in therapy for a variety of reasons, including that they:

• Judge themselves harshly for needing help and feel ashamed.

• Believe they should just "get over" their problems.

• Believe they would be "self indulgent" or "too self centered" if they went to therapy.

• Believe only rich or famous people attend therapy.

• Think that only "crazy" people seek help in therapy

• Believe their problems are only in their imagination and not "real problems".

Going to Therapy is a Sign of Strength

• Feel they don't deserve help.

• Believe that they must be "weak" if they need help.

• Believe they will have to remain in therapy for a long time to overcome their problems (see my article: Common Myths About Psychotherapy: Therapy Takes a Long Time).

• Worry about what their family and friends might think if they found out that they went to therapy.

• Believe the therapist will judge them.

• Don't know about Federal confidentiality laws, so they believe that their therapist might tell their employer or other people about what they discuss in therapy.

• Believe going to see a therapist means they're paying the therapist to be their "friend," which makes them feel ashamed because they believe a therapist couldn't actually care about them.

What Can You Do to Reduce Your Fear of Getting Help in Therapy?

To reduce your fear or concern, be aware:

• You're not alone.  There are skilled mental health professionals who can help undo your feelings of being alone.

Going to Therapy is a Sign of Strength

• An experienced therapist has a lot of experience helping clients with similar problems to yours and she won't judge you for your problems.

• A licensed psychotherapist can't divulge your information under Federal law without your written consent--unless you're an active harm to yourself or others or you're engaging in child abuse (psychotherapists are mandated reporters and must report child abuse to the state).

• Seeking help in therapy doesn't mean you're "weak." On the contrary, it's a sign of courage and personal strength.

• Seeking help in therapy doesn't mean you're "crazy." Clients who are actively psychotic or delusional usually go to specialized programs--not to individual therapy--to get psychiatrically stabilized.

• Everyone needs help at some point in their lives and everyone is deserving of help.

• You can see a psychotherapist for an initial appointment to see if you feel comfortable with her and to obtain psychoeducation about that therapist works  and about therapy in general (see my article: Why It's Important for Psychotherapists to Provide Psychoeducation About How Therapy Works).

• You decide what your therapy goals are, so you're in charge of of therapy and you can go for as long as you want to go.

• Skilled psychotherapists are empathetic towards their clients' suffering.  You're not paying them to be your "friend."  You're paying them for their expertise and time.

Taking the First Step in Therapy: Making the Call

Most therapists offer a 10-15 minute phone call before setting up an appointment so you can ask basic questions.

Going to Therapy is a Sign of Strength

I usually encourage new clients to think of the first appointment as a session to see if they feel comfortable with me, to ask more questions about how I work and to discuss other similar issues.

Rather than plunging into the depths of their problems, I encourage clients to discuss what they would like to get out of therapy in that first meeting. 

Of course, I'm open to hearing anything, but I find that speaking about their issues in a broad way, rather than diving into the details, helps clients to feel less emotionally vulnerable when we first meet.

After the first appointment, you can decide if you feel it's a good fit or at least good enough to have another appointment.

Get Help in Therapy

If you have been struggling on your own, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who has the experience and expertise you need.

Get Help in Therapy

Overcoming your problems can free you from your history so you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, IFS Parts Work Therapist, EFT Couples Therapist, Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have helped many individual adults and couples over the years.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

I offer clients a free 10-15 minute phone call before setting up an appointment either in person or online.

You can reach me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

Why Do People Go to Therapy?

How to Choose a Psychotherapist 

The Positive Ripple Effect

The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Therapy 

Fear of Change 

Overcoming Childhood Trauma With the Ideal Parents Protocol

The Ideal Parents Protocol was originally developed by Alfred Pesso and Diane Boyden-Pesso in 1964 as part of their body-based psychomotor therapy (PBSP). 

Alfred Pesso taught his protocol at Harvard University where, decades later, Dr. Daniel Brown, a psychologist and hypnotherapist, adapted Pesso's concepts.

The Ideal Parents Protocol in Therapy

Although PBSP used group dynamics and physical touch, Dr. Brown changed the Ideal Parent Protocol into a solitary internal guided visualization process with no therapist touch in 2016 (see my article: How Can Visualization Transform Your Life?).

I learned the Ideal Parents Protocol from a PBSP colleague as well as in my advanced clinical hypnosis training about 20 years ago.

How Does the Ideal Parent Protocol Help Adult Psychotherapy Clients?

The Ideal Parent Protocol helps adult clients who were abused or neglected as children by their real parents. The protocol rewires their internal template of relationships by creating new imaginary memories of secure attachment.

The Ideal Parents Protocol in Therapy

The brain processes vivid, emotionally resonant imagination using the same neural pathways as real-world experiences. 

By visualizing Ideal Parents who satisfied childhood emotional needs, the adult brain constructs a new, positive blueprint for safety and connection.

The protocol can reverse the damage of childhood emotional neglect and abuse through five mechanisms:

• 1. Neutralizing Hypervigliance (Providing Safe and Protection): Abused and neglected children live in a chronic state of fight-or-flight because their caregivers were the source of developmental trauma.

• The Healing Mechanism: In the visualization, the client imagines parents who are safe, protective and non-threatening. Experiencing this imagined safety allows the adult's nervous system to let go of chronic survival strategies so they can learn what true safety and relaxation feel like.

• 2. Filling the Emotional "Empty Well" (Providing Nurturance): Emotionally neglected and abused children feel unseen, emotionally empty, unlovable and lonely because no one responded to their emotional distress.

• The Healing Mechanism: The adult client imagines parents who offer unconditional warmth and love as well as physical and emotional comfort. This targeted visualization acts like an emotional "time machine", filling in the gaps of emotional neglect and healing a history of abuse. It also helps the adult to develop self compassion and a sense of inherent self worth.

• 3. Validating Inner Reality (Providing Attunement): Abusive and neglectful parents often dismiss, minimize or gaslight a child's feelings. This teaches the child to ignore their own emotions and intuition.

• The Healing Mechanism: The Ideal Parents in the protocol are completely attuned.  They can read the client's facial expressions, voice and body language. They mirror and validate the client's feelings. This teaches the client to trust their own emotional reality.

• 4. Overcoming the Feeling of Being a Burden: Abused and neglected children usually feel their emotional and physical needs are an annoying burden to their parents. 

• The Healing Mechanism: The protocol guides the client to visualize parents who are delighted by the client's presence. The Ideal Parents express joy by just being around the client. This directly targets the adult's core shame of "taking up too much space" or being "needy". 

• 5. Building a Foundation For Independence: While abusive parents often control or sabotage a child's emotional and psychological growth, neglectful parents ignore the client's growth completely. This often leaves the adult afraid to take risks or to succeed.

• The Healing Mechanism: The client visualizes parents who are enthusiastic in encouraging the client to explore, achieve milestones and develop independence. This can instill a deep, internal sense of security, allowing the adult to confidently pursue career goals, hobbies and healthy adult relationships in the real world.

Conclusion

The Ideal Parents Protocol can provide a powerful healing experience.

Although the Ideal Parents Protocol cannot change a client's history, it can heal the emotional pain from the past by providing a client with the corrective emotional experience they deserve.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you have been struggling with unresolved childhood trauma, rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who includes the Ideal Parents Protocol among her trauma therapy modalities.

Get Help in Therapy

When you have freed yourself from your traumatic past, you can live a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, IFS Parts Work, Emotionally Focused Couples Therapist, Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

As a trauma therapist, I have helped many individual adults and couples with the Ideal Parents Protocol and other modalities in trauma therapy.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

I provide a free 10-15 minute phone call before setting up the first appointment.

You can reach at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email.

Also See My Articles

Using Your Imagination as a Powerful Tool For Change

Using the Mind-Body Connection to Create a Vision of What You Want 

How Can Imaginal Interweaves Heal Trauma?

Are You Feeling Like a Failure Because You Can't "Fix" a Loved One?

It's incredibly difficult to stand by and watch an adult you love engage in self-sabotaging and destructive behavior. You can feel helpless and hopeless, so your inclination might be to try to "fix" your loved one in whatever way you think you can.

You Can't "Fix" a Loved One

Loving someone deeply can trick you into believing that you have the power to control and change their behavior. But you can't "fix" a loved one because they're not an object that needs to be repaired. 

If you're confusing your deep love with a duty to "cure" a loved one, you can end up feeling emotionally, physically and mentally depleted. 

Why Are You Feeling This Way?

There can be a few reasons why you feel a sense of guilt for not being able to control or change a loved one you care about--whether it's a parent, sibling, adult child or close friend:

• The Savior Illusion: You might mistakenly believe that if your love is strong enough, it can override their emotional pain or trauma.

• Internalizing Your Loved One's Chaos: You might be treating their problems like it's a reflection on your worth or effort.

• Control Feels Like Comfort: Trying to "fix" them is often a coping mechanism to erase your own discomfort with their suffering.

How Can You Shift From Trying to "Fix" to Trying to Support Them?

To protect your own well-being and build a healthier dynamic between you and your loved one, consider shifting from your approaching of attempting to "fix" to being emotionally supportive.

Take a look at the examples below and notice the difference between trying to "fix" and being emotionally supportive:

• Trying to "Fix": Offering unsolicited advice (e.g., "You're drinking too much" or "You're spending too much money on unimportant things and not paying your bills").

• Being Emotionally Supportive: Asking if they want help and, if so, how they want to be helped: "Do you want me to listen?" (see my article: Ask Your Loved One: Do You Want to Be Helped, Heard or Hugged?).

• Trying to "Fix": Sacrificing your boundaries to shield them from consequences.

• Being Emotionally Supportive: Focus on yourself and your own well-being and be an attuned listener for your loved one.

• Trying to "Fix": Trying to force change or manage their life (e.g., making excuses to their manager when they don't show up for work or paying their overdue bills).

• Being Emotionally Supportive: Instead of making excuses for them, create a safe, non-judgmental environment where change is possible if they choose to change.

Reminders to Maintain Your Own Well-Being

• Separate Love From Rescue: You can love someone without carrying the burden of trying to save them.

• Be Aware That You're Not Failing: Instead of feeling like you're failing, recognize that you're hitting the natural limit of what one human being can do for another.

• Let Go and Grieve The Expectation: Let go of unrealistic expectations of trying to "fix" your loved one. Allow yourself to mourn the version of the relationship you wish you could have with them. 

Clinical Vignettes

The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many cases, illustrates the problem with trying to "fix" a loved one:

Tina and Her Adult Son, Mike:

Tina's only child, a 45 year old son, Mike, had a compulsive gambling problem. Although he earned over $100,000 a year, he had poor credit because he had many overdue bills, the bank was threatening to foreclose on his home and his wife was threatening to leave him.

You Can't "Fix" Your Loved One

Whenever Mike felt desperate, he called Tina and begged her to bail him out. In that moment, he would promise to get help for his gambling problem and also to pay her back. But as soon as he got the money from Tina, he gambled more (instead of paying off his gambling debts) and he got deeper into debt. 

He also never paid Tina back and she was depleting her and her husband's retirement savings. Her husband, Joe, told her to stop enabling Mike's behavior, but Tina wanted to help her son and she knew she would feel guilty if she didn't help him.

When Joe told Tina that he was angry that their retirement fund was getting depleted due to Mike's gambling problems, she understood that her efforts to "fix" her son's problems were having a devastating impact on her marriage and she sought help in therapy.

The work in therapy wasn't easy, but her therapist helped Tina to see the enmeshment with her son so she could switch from trying to "fix" him to being emotionally supportive (see my article: How to Stop Being Enmeshed With Your Family).

Tina was able to see that her behavior with her son had its roots in her dysfunctional family dynamic, especially her parents' codependent relationship. Whenever Tina's father was too hungover to go to work, her mother would call his manager and make excuses for his absences. Eventually, he was let go from his job and Tina's mother had to take two jobs to keep the family afloat.  

Several years after Tina's father lost his job, he was drinking more heavily than ever and he died due to an alcohol-related heart attack at the age of 40. After the father died, Tina's mother blamed herself for not being able to get her husband to stop drinking.

Tina wasn't aware of how she was affected by her parents' dynamic until she got into therapy and she realized she was trying, in vain, to rescue her 45 year old son--just like her mother tried, in vain, to rescue her father.

With a heavy heart, Tina refused to give Mike any more money the next time he came to her in desperation. At first, he pleaded with her and told her he would lose his home and his utilities would be turned off. 

This was especially difficult for Tina, but she realized that, in the long run, she couldn't try to "fix" his problem anymore because her efforts kept Mike from dealing with his gambling problem. She also didn't want to ruin her marriage.

When pleading didn't work, Mike became furious, cursed and threatened to cut her off. She responded by reminding him that he already owed her thousands of dollars. She also told him that she would be emotionally supportive of his getting help for his gambling problem.

Mike was too angry to respond to his mother and, after that talk, he disappeared from his parents' life for two years and he was unresponsive to their calls. Even though they knew they did what was best for Mike and for themselves, this estrangement was heartbreaking for Tina and Joe (see my article: Estrangement Between Parents and Adult Children).

In the meantime, Tina worked in therapy to deal with her own childhood trauma in therapy and the estrangement with her son.

A year later, when Mike contacted Tina and Joe again, he was in therapy, he was attending Gamblers Anonymous and he stopped gambling. He said his therapist was helping him to deal with the underlying issues related to his gambling. He told them that Tina's refusal to give him money was the best thing that ever happened to him because it forced him to confront his problems. 

As part of his making amends with his parents, Mike made a payment plan with them to pay back the money he owed them. They also worked together to develop a healthier family dynamic.

By that time, Tina and Joe's relationship had improved and they were looking forward to retirement in a few years.

Conclusion

It's very difficult to watch a loved one floundering without wanting to do something to help. 

The problem with trying to "fix" or rescue your loved one is that it's usually counterproductive and perpetuates your loved one's problem as well as your own.

Acknowledging and accepting that you can't "fix" anyone can help you to set boundaries so you can be emotionally supportive in a healthy way.

Get Help in Therapy

Trying to change a long-standing unhealthy pattern can be very difficult.

Get Help in Therapy

If you have tried on your own to change without success, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who has experience helping clients with these types of issues.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from an experienced therapist so you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, IFS, EFT Couples Therapist, Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have helped many individual adults and couples over the years.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

I offer a free 10-15 minute phone call before setting up an appointment.

You can reach me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

Overcoming Codependency: Focus on Yourself First

Role Reversal in Mother-Daughter Relationships

Ambivalence and Codependence in Mother-Daughter Relationships 

Overcoming Shame in an Enmeshed Family 

Intergenerational Dynamics 

What is the Approach-Avoidance Conflict in Psychotherapy and How Can IFS Therapy Help?

In my prior article, Why Are So Many of Us Fearful of Change While Others Embrace It?, I mentioned the approach-avoidance conflict as it relates to making changes.

The Approach-Avoidance Conflict

In the current article, I'm focusing on the approach-avoidance conflict as it relates to many clients in therapy.

What is the Approach-Avoidance Conflict in Therapy?

As I mentioned in the prior article, although many people want to make positive changes in their life, they often experience ambivalence about the change--even when it's something they really want.

As a New York psychotherapist in private practice, I see this all the time.

Since it's a common experience, if you learn to expect it, you can learn to accept and deal with that part of yourself that might want to avoid positive change.

So, let's explore this dynamic further.

In psychotherapy, the approach-avoidance conflict is a psychological state of tension that occurs when a client is simultaneously drawn towards and repelled by the exact same goal, action or dynamic.

The approach-avoidance conflict was originally introduced by Kurt Lewin, a psychologist, who described this dynamic as a "tug of war". 

This dynamic is key to understanding why at a certain stage of therapy many clients experience anxiety and stagnation about the changes they want to make.  

What is the Typical Pattern For the Approach-Avoidance Conflict in Therapy?

This conflict often operates on a predictable pattern based on how close clients are to their goal:

• The Approach to a Goal: When clients are far away from a goal, they can see the positive benefits of their goal ("the approach"). This motivates them to move forward.

• The Avoidance of a Goal: As clients move emotionally or physically closer to the goal, many of them begin to perceive negative consequences or fears ("the avoidance") which grows sharply the closer they get to their goal.

• The Point of Stagnation: Eventually, the force of the avoidance equals the force of the approach. At that point, these clients can get stuck as they experience anxiety, indecision or behavioral paralysis.

What Are the Clinical Scenarios Where the Approach-Avoidance Conflict Shows Up in Therapy?

Here are some typical examples:

Intimacy and Relationships:

• The Approach (Pull or Desire): Craving deep emotional connection and a loving relationship.

The Approach-Avoidance Conflict in Therapy

• The Avoidance (Fear): Fear of vulnerability, rejection or losing independence.

• Resulting Behavior: Sabotaging relationships just as they become serious.

Trauma Processing:

• The Approach (Pull or Desire): Wanting to heal, gain closure and reduce traumatic symptoms.

The Approach-Avoidance Conflict in Trauma Therapy

• The Avoidance (Fear): Fear of exploring traumatic memories and emotions.

• Resulting Behavior: Missing sessions or leaving therapy prematurely as the trauma work begins.

Career Change:

• The Approach (Pull or Desire): Desiring a fulfilling, high-paying and prestigious position.

• The Avoidance (Fear): Fear of failure, longer work hours or more responsibilities.

• Resulting Behavior: Procrastination in submitting a job application or applying for a promotion.

Behavioral Change

• The Approach (Pull or Desire): Wanting a healthier body and stable life.

The Approach-Avoidance Conflict and Behavioral Change

• The Avoidance (Fear): Fear of facing reality the necessary changes involved.

• Resulting Behavior: Reverting back to unhealthy behavior, missing sessions or dropping out of therapy prematurely.

How Does IFS Therapy Deal With the Approach-Avoidance Conflict?

IFS (Internal Family Systems) Therapy is uniquely suited for this dynamic (see my article: IFS Therapy is a Gentle Evidence-Based Therapy).

IFS Therapy and the Approach-Avoidance Conflict

The IFS therapist deals with the approach-avoidance conflict by recognizing that clients who experience this dynamic have a clash between two or more parts of themselves.

Instead of trying to push through the conflict, the IFS therapist helps clients to overcome this dilemma by identifying clients' internal parts and identifying the positive intentions of each of the conflicting parts. She also helps clients to negotiate between these conflicting parts.

What is the IFS Therapy Framework For the Approach-Avoidance Conflict?

In IFS, the "approach" and "avoidance" aspects of clients are seen as separate parts of the client who have good intentions. There is a recognition that these conflicting parts have served the client in the past by protecting old emotional wounds:

• The Approach Part: This is usually an internal proactive protective part. This part wants to move forward, achieve goals or seek connection because doing so will bring safety, fulfillment or a sense of increased self worth.

IFS Therapy and the Approach-Avoidance Conflict

• The Avoidance Part: This is usually a reactive protective part. It stops progress because it senses danger. It fears that moving forward will trigger an old emotional wound, shame or trauma from the past.

What is the IFS Therapy Step-By-Step Process For Resolving Internal Conflict?

The IFS therapist will guide the client through the following process to overcome the client's behavioral conflict:

Differentiating the Internal Parts: Instead of saying, "I want to change, but I can't", the therapist helps the client to reframe it: "A part of me wants very much to move forward, and another part of me is terrified to do it." In addition, the therapist helps the client to discover and embody Core Self, which is the compassionate and curious part of the client. This enables the client to look at both of these internal parts without taking sides.

• Honoring The Avoidant Part (The Protector): Traditional psychotherapy often wants to override the client's avoidance. IFS does the opposite: It focuses on the avoidant part first. The IFS therapist asks the client to get curious about the avoidant part by asking: "How is this part protecting you?" and "How did it protect you in the past?". Also, "What is this part afraid will happen if you take this step?" By validating that the avoidant part has a positive intention (e.g., protecting the client from rejection, failure or an old emotional wound), the protecting part usually loosens its grip. This usually doesn't happen immediately because the avoidant part must first learn to trust the Core Self of the client as well as the intention of the therapist.

IFS Therapy and the Approach-Avoidance Conflict

• Facilitating Internal Negotiation: Once each of the conflicting parts feels heard and seen by the client's Core Self and the therapist, the therapist helps the client to invite these parts to talk to each other. The Core Self might ask the avoidant part, "If I promise to go very slowly and protect you, would you be willing to allow the approach part to take a small step?" Since this protective/avoidant part is no longer being resisted or ignored, it usually agrees to soften or step aside temporarily.

• Working With the Wounded Part: Ultimately, the avoidant part is hypervigilant because it's protecting the wounded part of the client. Once this protector feels safe enough to step aside, the IFS therapist guides the Core Self to witness, work through the original trauma and heal. When the underlying emotional pain and trauma have been resolved, the avoidant/protector part usually drops the avoidant behavior because the underlying danger no longer exists.

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette illustrates how the approach-avoidance conflict is overcome in IFS therapy:

John

When John met Donna, he felt a strong attraction to her and he asked her to go out on a date.

As they got to know each other, they both enjoyed each other's company and the new relationship energy that comes with being in a new relationship.

A few months later, as the relationship became more serious, Donna wanted a commitment from John but, even though he knew he loved Donna, he felt himself pulling away from her and he didn't understand what was happening to him.

At that point, Donna's friends told her she should end the relationship because they thought John was a "commitment-phobe".  But Donna felt John was struggling with some kind of internal conflict and she wanted to give him a chance to overcome the conflict, so she suggested that he get help in therapy.

IFS Therapy and the Approach-Avoidance Conflict

Since John also wanted to understand why he felt so conflicted about making a commitment with Donna, he started therapy with an IFS therapist.

John had never heard of IFS therapy, but he was curious as to how it might help him to overcome his internal conflict.

Over time, as they explored John's family history, they discovered that John had an unresolved trauma related to his mother's anxiety and depression. When he was a child, John felt he was unlovable because his mother was emotionally distant and his father was often away on business.

With the help of his therapist, John realized that this old emotional wound was making him feel emotionally vulnerable with Donna in a way where a part of him wanted to escape the relationship, but another part of him wanted to remain, which reflected his ambivalence.

The work in therapy was neither quick nor easy, but John was motivated to work through his internal conflict about making a commitment to Donna. With the help of his therapist, he was able to see the good intention of the avoidant part of him and how it protected him in the past when he was a child.

His therapist guided John into feeling curious and compassionate towards this avoidant/protector part so that, eventually, it softened enough so he and his therapist could work on his traumatized wounded child part.

Over time, John was gradually able to let go of his fear because he had an embodied sense that, unlike when he was a child, he was now safe and more capable of being in a committed relationship with Donna.

Once he was freed from his traumatic history, John made a commitment to Donna and they moved in together with the eventual goal of getting married.

Conclusion

Although many people want to make positive changes in their life, they often experience an ambivalence about the change as the change becomes more of a reality--even when it's something they really want.

In psychotherapy, the approach-avoidance conflict is a common psychological state of tension that occurs when a client is simultaneously drawn towards and repelled by the exact same goal, action or dynamic.

This is a common experience in therapy. 

In traditional psychotherapy, therapists often try to push through the ambivalence, which can make a client feel even more ambivalent, so this usually doesn't work.

An IFS therapist recognizes that we all have many different internal parts and some of these parts are polarized so they are in opposition to each other. They also recognize that this is often outside a client's awareness, so they reach for the ambivalence so it can be worked on.

IFS therapy is ideally suited for dealing with the approach-avoidance conflict.

Get Help in IFS Therapy

If you are stuck in an approach-avoidance dilemma, rather than struggling on your own, you could benefit from working with an IFS therapist.

Get Help in IFS Therapy

Being able to work through the conflict provides you with an opportunity to live a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, IFS Parts Work Therapist, EFT Couples Therapist, Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have helped many individual adults and couples over the years.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

I provide a free 10-15 minute telephone call before setting up an appointment.

You can contact me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or you can email me.

Also See My Articles:

Fear of Change 

Overcoming Recurring Patterns of Self Sabotaging Behavior 

Strategies For Making Major Changes in Your Life 

What is Somatic IFS?