Getting Your Emotional Needs Met in Your Relationship

In Julie Mennano's book, Secure Love, she discusses how couples attempt to get their attachment needs met based on their attachment styles.

Getting Your Attachment Needs Met

How Are Attachment Styles Formed?

Attachment styles are formed primarily during infancy and early childhood. 

Attachment styles develop based on the responsiveness, consistency and emotional availability of the child's caretakers.

These early interactions form an internal working model or "blueprint" for how individuals perceive, expect and act in relationships, including adult romantic relationships (see my article: How Early Attachment Bonds Affect Adult Relationships).

What Are Attachment Needs?

Attachment needs are basic human needs for safety, security and connection.

As adults, these attachment needs are primarily met in romantic relationships--although they can also be met through other relationships like close friendships.

Core attachment needs include:

• Safety and security: A predictable, reliable environment
• Soothing (regulation): Comfort and support
• Validation and attunement: Feeling seen, heard, understood and worthy to their partner
• Connection and belonging: A need for closeness and acceptance which reduces loneliness
• Structure and boundaries: Clear rules and limits that provide a structure for safety

Within the attachment styles, there are three insecure attachment styles and one secure attachment styles.

About 50% of people have a secure attachment style and 50% have an insecure attachment style.

The insecure attachment styles include:

• Anxious attachment
• Avoidant attachment
• Disorganized attachment

Although couples can be any combination, most couples with insecure attachment are usually made up of one person with an anxious attachment style and one person with an avoidant attachment style.

Anxious Attachment Style

People with an anxious attachment style try to get their attachment needs met through protest behavior and other similar behaviors which are driven by a deep fear of abandonment.

Anxious Attachment Style

Although their desire is to get their partner's attention and re-establish connection, their efforts often have the opposite effect on their partner.

Common behaviors include:

• Protest behavior: Engaging in actions which are meant to get their partner's attention and try to re-establish connection including threatening to leave, sending many texts, leaving many phone messages, trying to make their partner jealous.

• Hypervigilance: Monitoring their partner's behavior in a state of hypervigilance for lack of attention or signs of emotional withdrawal which they interpret as threats to the relationship.

• Overcompensation and clinging: Becoming clingy as a way to ensure their partner stays. This often results in their neglecting their own needs in the process (see my article:What is Self Abandonment?).

• Emotional volatility and conflict: Using intense emotional outbursts, lashing out and or criticism to force engagement.

• Guilt-tripping: Using passive aggressive tactics to get affection from their partner.

Avoidant Attachment Style

People with an avoidant attachment style try to get their attachment needs met by creating physical and emotional distance to avoid feeling overwhelmed. 

Avoidant Attachment Style

Their challenge is they often find it difficult to articulate their need for space without seeming distant or rejecting of their partner.  

Common behaviors include:

• Need for silence and space: Taking time alone especially after arguments or stressful situations so they can process their emotions (see my article: Compromising About Time Together and Time Apart).

• Preferring "parallel" connection: They might feel more comfortable being in the same room with their partner while they watch TV silently or doing separate activities rather than engaging in direct emotional connection.

• Enforcing boundaries: They require significant personal space to regulate themselves emotionally, pulling away when they feel smothered or during conflict as a way to regain a sense of safety.

Disorganized Attachment Style

People with disorganized attachment style try to get their attachment needs met through a  tumultuous "push-pull" dynamic where they shift from demands for closeness to sudden fearful withdrawal.

Their challenge is they desire closeness but they also fear it, which leads to chaotic and unpredictable behavior in their partner's eyes. At times, they might preemptively reject their partner to avoid feeling abandoned (see my article: An Emotional Dilemma: Wanting and Dreading Love).

Common behaviors include:

• Push/anxious behavior: When they fear they will be abandoned, they can become clingy, demanding or highly dependent as a way to get reassurance from their partner.

• Pull/avoidant behavior: When they feel emotionally vulnerable, they can become abruptly cold, distant or erratic to regain their sense of safety and independence.

• Conflicting communication: They might give mixed messages, wanting affection but acting cold and rejecting.

• Self-sabotage: When they believe they might get hurt by their partner, they might unconsciously create conflict or break up with a partner to feel like they are in control of the rejection (see my article: Overcoming Self Sabotaging Behavior).

• Problems regulating emotions: They can struggle to express their needs. They often react to past unresolved trauma rather than what is happening in the present which makes it difficult for them to communicate their needs and for their partner to understand their needs (see my article: Emotional Regulation).

Problems For Couples With Anxious and Avoidant Attachment

Couples with insecure attachment often struggle with intense emotional instability, poor communication and trust issues.

Anxious and Insecure Attachment

Common problems for couples with an anxious and an avoidant attachment can be intense codependency as opposed to interdependency (see my article: What is the Difference Between Codependency and Interdependency?).

The anxious partner's demands for closeness can trigger the avoidant partner's need to withdraw which, in turn, reinforces the anxious partner's anxiety so they get caught in a negative cycle (see my article: Breaking the Negative Cycle in Your Relationship).

What is Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples?

Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) helps each individual to understand their own attachment style and how they create a negative cycle together (see my article: What is Emotionally Focused Therapy for Couples?).

EFT also helps couples to learn that neither of them is the "enemy". Instead, the "enemy" is the negative cycle which they must learn to break together as a team.

Getting Help in Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy

If you and your partner are stuck in a negative cycle, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who is an EFT couples therapist.

Getting Help in EFT Couples Therapy

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from an experienced EFT couples therapist so you can have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have over 25 years of experiencing helping individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: Why is Sexual Aftercare Important?

I wrote about the importance of aftercare in a prior article about BDSM (Bondage and Discipline, Dominance and Submission and Sadism and Masochism), but aftercare isn't just for BDSM--it's important for non-BDSM encounters too, so I'm exploring that topic in this article.

Aftercare Shows You Care

The concept of sexual aftercare began in the BDSM community and is now considered a common practice in conventional sex that does not include BDSM.

What is Sexual Aftercare?

There is no one-size fits all approach to sexual aftercare.

Aftercare Shows You Care

Sexual aftercare is an essential part of sexual intimacy which helps to foster emotional connection and intimacy. 

Sexual aftercare involves both physical and emotional care which often go together.

Physical aftercare can include:

• Cuddling
• Offering a gentle massage
• Sharing a blanket
• Hydrating or having a snack
• Tending to potential injuries that can occur during sex including scratches or bruises
• Showering together
• Taking a nap
• Reading together
• Listening to music
• Anything partners enjoy that maintains physical comfort and closeness

Emotional aftercare can include:

• Open, reassuring conversations between partners
• Discussing vulnerable feelings

Why is Sexual Aftercare Important?

Sexual aftercare is important for many reasons including that it:

• Helps each partner to relax and recover in a caring way

Aftercare Shows You Care

• Shows mutual respect and appreciation

• Helps partners to feel secure

• Helps to ease partners to transition from sex to everyday life without feeling an abrupt change

• Helps the body to adjust to fading feel-good hormones like oxytocin and dopamine which are released during sexual activity

• Helps to avoid postcoital dysphoria which is a condition that some people experience after sex which includes sadness, anxiety or distress

• Helps to prevent negative emotions where one or both partners can feel used, dismissed, unappreciated. Other people can experience guilt or shame if they don't engage in sexual aftercare

What Not to Do After Sex

• Avoid jumping out of bed immediately after sex to take a shower unless you and your partner have agreed to this beforehand. If you abruptly leave your partner after sex, your partner can feel alone and abandoned after such an intimate experience. 

• If you feel sweaty and uncomfortable after sex, after you cuddle with your partner, you can use a warm wash cloth and offer one to your partner. You can also shower together so the showering becomes part of the sexual intimacy. 

• Even if you and your partner have a casual friendship or relationship, don't treat your partner like a sexual object. Show them respect and care.

How to Set Up Sexual Aftercare Before Sex

• Clear communication with your partner is the key to having sexual aftercare that you and your partner can enjoy together.

Aftercare Shows You Care

• Share information with your partner about your aftercare needs and find out what they prefer.

Conclusion

Sexual aftercare is an important part of sexual intimacy.

There is no right or wrong way to do sexual aftercare as long as it meets your needs and your partner's needs.

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

If you and your partner have been having sexual problems, you could benefit from talking to a sex therapist (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

Individual adults and couples seek help in sex therapy for a variety of reasons (see my article: Why Do Individuals and Couples Seek Help in Sex Therapy).

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy. There is no nudity or sex during sex therapy sessions (see my article: Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy).

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a certified sex therapist so you can have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist).

I have over 25 years of experience working with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles: 

Have You and Your Partner Stopped Having Sex?  

Sexual Desire Discrepancy: You and Your Partner Have Different Levels of Sexual Desire

What is Sexual Self Esteem? 

The Four Cs of Safer and More Pleasurable Sex 

Understanding Your Sexual Arousal Type  

Overcoming Anxiety-Related Erectile Problems 

To Improve Sexual Intimacy Get Off the Sexual Staircase

What is Erotic Empathy?  

Overcoming Sexual Shame and Guilt 

Overcoming Painful Sex

Coping With Alexithymia - Also Known as Emotional Blindness

What is Alexithymia?

Alexithymia is a personality trait where a person has difficulty experiencing, identifying, understanding and expressing emotions.

Coping With Alexithymia

Alexithymia is also known as "emotional blindness".

Alexithymia is on a spectrum representing a personality trait with varying degrees of severity rather than a binary "yes" or "no" trait.

Individuals can range from low to high in alexithymic traits. 

These traits can include:

• Difficulties with emotional regulation

• Reduced imagination

• Externally oriented thinking

Alexithymia is a personality trait rather than a mental health diagnosis.  

Alexithymia is common among people who are neurodivergent (autism and ADHD).

What Causes Alexithymia?

Alexithymia can be influenced by several factors:

• Genetics

• Past experiences

• Certain psychiatric disorders and medical conditions including:
• Depression

• Anxiety

• Posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD)

• Adverse childhood experiences (trauma)

• Autism

• ADHD

• Eating Disorders

• Parkinson's

• Stroke

• Dementia

• Multiple Sclerosis

• Inflammatory Bowel Syndrome (IBS)

• Diabetes 

• Asthma

• Hypertension and cardiovascular disorders

• Chronic pain

• Fibromyalgia 

• Hormonal abnormalities

• Substance abuse, which is linked to an inability to process emotions

About 10-13% of the population has this personality trait with more men experiencing it than women.

People with alexithymia have a hard time understanding and expressing their emotions. This affects the way they relate to others. As a result, relationships often suffer because their limited ability to express their emotions stifles communicate with others (see below:Understanding How Alexithymia Affects Relationships).

People with alexithymia also have difficulty sensing the physical sensations that accompany their emotions (see my article: Learning to Sense Emotions in Your Body).

Understanding the Genetic Component of Alexithymia

Studies indicate that there is a genetic component to alexithymia. One study found there is a higher degree of alexithymia among first-degree relatives.

Understanding the Environmental Component of Alexithymia

People who have experienced childhood abuse or neglect can develop alexithymia and have difficulty processing their emotions. Brain injuries can also contribute to alexithymia.

Understanding How Alexithymia Affects Relationships

It can be difficult to form and maintain emotional bonds for individuals who have alexithymia. 

People who have alexithymia tend to focus externally rather than on their internal state. 

Partners might feel ignored, abandoned or unloved due to their partner's low emotional responsiveness. This can make it difficult to communicate effectively and resolve conflicts. Partners can feel that they are with someone who is "robotic" which can lead to a superficial or distant relationship. 

In addition, since people with alexithymia also have problems reading other people's emotions, their partners might feel they are uncaring--even when the person with alexithymia cares deeply for them.

The partner can feel like they're alone because the person with alexithymia can have a hard time providing emotional support or emotional validation

With regard to sex, emotional detachment related to alexithymia often leads to a decline in sexual intimacy (see my article: Have You and Your Partner Stopped Having Sex?).

How to Address Alexithymia

Alexithymia can create a barrier to traditional psychotherapy because, as previously mentioned, individuals with alexithymia have difficulty experiencing, identifying, understanding and expressing their emotions.

Coping With Alexithymia

Emotional difficulties often present as physical complaints rather than emotional distress. 

Somatic oriented therapy, like Somatic Experiencing and other Experiential Therapies that focus on sensations in the body can help.  

Helping clients to develop somatic awareness can be helpful, 

Experiential therapists can ask clients, "What are you sensing in your body right now?" instead of "What are you feeling?"

A mindfulness practice can also help clients to develop somatic awareness related to emotions.

What Are the Therapeutic Goals For Alexithymia?

There is no "quick fix" for alexithymia since it's a personality trait and not a curable disease.

While there is no "cure" for alexithymia, it also doesn't have to be a lifelong problem.

Psychotherapy for alexithymia needs to have a bottom up approach (see my article: What is the Difference Between Top Down and Bottom Up Approaches to Therapy?).

The therapeutic goals include:

• Building the capacity to accurately perceive internal body sensations (also known as interoceptive awareness) and connect these sensations to emotions.

• Affective education which can help to connect physical sensations to emotions. For example, a tightness in the chest can be linked to anxiety (see my article: How to Use the Wheel of Emotion).

• Shifting from external-oriented thinking to recognizing inner emotional experiences.

• An experiential bottom up approach can be effective in improving emotional processing.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have over 25 years of experience helping individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How to Set Boundaries With Friends If They're Texting You Too Much

There are some people who enjoy texting back and forth with their friends all day long and it's mutually satisfying for all the texters involved.

Setting Boundaries With Friends About Texting

But if you're not one of those people who enjoys constant texting and you have a friend who likes to send you lots of texts, rather than letting resentment and emotional distance grow, you can tactfully set a limit with your friend (see my article: Do You Feel Entitled to Set Boundaries With the People in Your Life?).

In a world where people can reach others in a flash by texting, a lot of people find it gratifying to express their thoughts and feelings in texts and enjoy the dopamine hit when their friends text back.

People who have problems understanding boundaries can text all day long without considering whether the person they're texting has the time and emotional bandwidth to deal with a barrage of texts (see my article: Do You Feel Overwhelmed By Your Friend's Problems?).

If you haven't set a limit, you can give your friend the benefit of the doubt that they might not know you don't like a lot of texts and that you don't have the time or emotional bandwidth for it. Therefore, it's up to you to communicate this to them so you take care of your time and mental health.

Why Do Excessive Texts Create Stress and Anxiety?

Here are some of the most common reasons:

• Pressure to Respond (Expectation of Availability): You might feel pressure to respond immediately. This often leads to stress and anxiety when you can't or you don't want to respond immediately.

• Digital Burnout and Overstimulation: Constant notifications can break concentration. The ongoing distraction can lead to mental fatigue.

• Lack of Personal Space: Excessive non-urgent texts throughout the day can feel like an intrusion on your privacy and downtime.

• Anxiety Trigger: A high volume of text messages can induce anxiety and a feeling of being overwhelmed.

• Disruption to Workflow and Personal Tasks: Constant interruptions can make it difficult to focus on work or personal tasks.

How to Set Boundaries With a Friend Who Texts Too Much

Here are some suggestions that might be helpful:

• Shift the Focus from Their Behavior to Your Own Needs and Boundaries: First, recognize that you have the right to your feelings as well as the right to set boundaries. If you can't set boundaries with others, you're going to feel frustrated and you'll probably have ongoing interpersonal problems due to the lack of boundaries. Assuming you want to maintain this friendship, you can say, "Having to check texts many times per day makes me feel anxious. I'm trying to check these notifications less."

• Express Appreciation For Their Friendship: Assuming you want to maintain this friendship, express your appreciation for your friend and the things you like about them so that you're not just focusing on something that bothers you about their behavior. 

Setting Boundaries With Friends About Texting

• Shift Time Spent With Your Friend From Texts to In-Person Visits: Suggest to your friend that you would like to know what's going on in their life, but you would prefer to do it in person. Then, suggest a time when you're free to meet in person. 

• Let Them Know When You're Available: Let your friend know when you're reachable and manage their expectations about when you're free to respond to texts. You can say something like, "I don't have time to check texts throughout the day, so I only check them after work" or "I've been so busy lately that I haven't had time to check personal texts." Then, as previously mentioned, you can suggest meeting when you're both free.

Setting Boundaries With Friends About Texting

• Let them Know You're "Unplugging" to Manage Your Stress: Let your friend know that, as part of a new lifestyle change, you're taking time to "unplug" from your phone and computer. You can tell them that, as part of your digital detox, you're cutting back on the time you spend reading email and texts. You can also tell them that if they don't hear from you for a few days, this is the reason.  

• Evaluate the Friendship: If your friend doesn't understand that you don't have the time and emotional bandwidth for a lot of texts in a day, you can evaluate whether the aspects you like about this friend outweigh this problem. If you have communicated your boundaries and they don't respect them, there might be other areas where you'll find they will cross your boundaries. At some point, you'll need to decide whether you want this friend in your life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego State Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have over 25 years of experiencing helping individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Do You Feel Entitled to Set Boundaries With the People in Your Life?

Setting boundaries with the people in your life is an act of self care (see my article: How to Set Boundaries Without Guilt).

Setting Boundaries

But if you're someone who doesn't feel entitled to set boundaries, you might feel that boundary setting is an act of aggression (see my article: What's the Difference Between Assertive and Aggressive Behavior?)

Self Abandonment and People Pleasing Tendencies

Not setting boundaries is often a survival strategy children learn in families where they weren't allowed to say "no". 

If you grew up in such a family, maybe you were even punished for expressing your feelings, especially if they were contrary to your parents' feelings. 

If you weren't allowed to say "no" as a child, you might have believed that you could only earn love if you were compliant with your parents' wishes. As a result, you learned self abandonment (see my article: What is Self Abandonment?).

Maybe you were also raised to believe you should feel guilty if you didn't comply with your parents' wishes. As a result, you might have developed people pleasing tendencies as a way to to avoid displeasing others. So, you might have learned to feel you're responsible for other people's comfort and happiness--even if it meant you neglected your own.

People who have an anxious attachment style are especially prone to fear that setting boundaries is an existential threat in terms of losing a relationship or a friendship.

Many women are socialized to believe they need to be nurturers who are "flexible" to the point where setting a boundary might be contrary to their role.

Confusion About What It Means to Set Boundaries

You might not feel entitled to set boundaries with others because you think setting boundaries means you're trying to control others. However, setting healthy boundaries is a fundamental part of self care.

Another possible problem is that you don't know what you feel so you only have a vague sense of what you're feeling at any given time so you don't know if you need to set a boundary or not.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you don't feel entitled to set boundaries with others, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who can help you to work through the underlying issues that are creating problems for you.

Getting Help in Therapy

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a skilled psychotherapist who helps clients to feel empowered enough to set boundaries (see my article: Taking Back Your Personal Power).

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing, Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy) and Certified Sex Therapist.

As a trauma therapist, I have over 25 years of experiencing helping individual adults and couples (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

How to Set Boundaries in an Enmeshed Family

How to Set Boundaries Without Guilt  

How to Set Boundaries in Your Relationship

Relationships: What's the Difference Between Trying to "Fix" Your Partner and Being Emotionally Supportive?

When your partner is distressed, anxious or depressed, it's natural for you to want to be emotionally supportive. But some people confuse being emotionally supportive with trying to "fix" their partner's problems, so it's important to understand the difference.

"Fixing" vs Being Emotionally Supportive

What's the Difference Between Trying to "Fix" Your Partner's Problems and Being Emotionally Supportive?

The main difference between trying to "fix" a problem and being emotionally supportive has to do with the intent and focus of what you do.

Trying to "Fix" the Problem:

Trying to "fix" your partner's problems involves:

• Your Approach: You treat your partner's problems like a puzzle to be solved.

• Your Goal: To eliminate the source of your partner's pain as quickly as possible. This might mean that you have a problem tolerating your partner's emotional distress, so you want it their distress to disappear as soon as possible. If this is the case, your own psychological work to do about this.

• Your Behavior: Giving your partner unsolicited advise, suggesting specific actions or taking on the problem yourself leads to your overfunctioning for your partner instead of allowing them to handle it with your emotional support (see my article: Are You Overfunctioning in Your Relationship?).

• Potential Problems: Your actions can signal to your partner that you think they are incapable of handling their problem. This can lead to your partner feeling belittled, frustrated, angry and resentful--even though you have good intentions. It can also set up a parent-child dynamic which usually has a detrimental impact on a relationship.

Being Emotionally Supportive:

• Your Approach: You prioritize "feeling with" your partner as opposed to "doing it for them".

• Your Goal: You create a safe space where your partner can feel seen, heard and understood (see my article: Creating a Safe Haven For Each Other).

• Your Behavior: Your behavior includes active listening, validating their feelings and offering comfort, like a hug if that's what your partner wants (see my article: Ask Your Partner If They Need to Be Helped, Heard or Hugged).

• Potential Benefits: Being emotionally supportive helps to create emotional intimacy between you and your partner. It can also build your partner's confidence that they have the capacity to solve their problems.

Clinical Vignettes

An Example of Trying to "Fix" the Problem

Emma and Bill:

Emma's husband, Bill, had a serious drinking problem. Although he promised he would stop drinking many times, he would stop for a day or two, but when he felt anxious, he would drink excessively again. Emma was very concerned about Bill's drinking and she wanted to help him, so she would throw out bottles of alcohol and make excuses to his boss when he was too hungover to go to work. 

Trying to "Fix" the Problem

After Bill was arrested twice for driving while intoxicated (DWI), he was court mandated to attend alcohol treatment. As part of the program, spouses attended groups to become educated about alcohol abuse and to learn how to be supportive without being codependent.  Through these groups, Emma learned that what she perceived as being helpful was actually detrimental to Bill's sobriety and she learned to focus on herself. Over time, Bill learned to lead a sober life one day at a time (see my article: What's the Difference Between Codependency and Interdependency?).

An Example of Being Emotionally Supportive

Jack and Dan:

Jack's husband, Dan, suffered with anxiety since he was a child. Whenever Jack sensed that Dan's anxiety was especially high, he would prioritize spending time with him to actively listen to and validate Dan's concerns. Dan felt safe talking to Jack because Jack was emotionally supportive and not critical or judgmental. Dan also knew that Jack wasn't trying to "fix" him. Instead, Jack was empathetic and he had a lot of patience with Dan. Eventually, he suggested that Dan seek help in therapy. 

Being Emotionally Supportive

At first, Dan didn't follow through, but Jack never tried to pressure Dan or get angry with Dan that he wasn't following through with seeking help. Then, one day Dan had a panic attack on the subway while he was going to work. At first, he didn't know what was happening to him, but once the panic attack subsided, he realized his anxiety was getting worse. Somewhat reluctantly, Dan sought help in therapy to deal with his anxiety. A few weeks into his therapy, Dan was relieved that he sought help because he was learning new tools and strategies to deal with his anxiety. And, eventually, his therapist helped Dan to deal with his unresolved trauma that contributed to his anxiety by using a combination of Parts Work and EMDR therapy (see my article: Trauma Therapy: Combining Parts Work and EMDR Therapy).

Conclusion

Although you might have the best intentions and your inclination might be to try to solve your partner's problems, in the long run, you could be doing more harm than good.

Being emotionally supportive by being attuned, empathetic and validating your partner's feelings will be more helpful to your partner and your emotional support can strengthen the bonds between you.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have over 25 years of experience helping individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Emotional Regulation: How Do You Know What You Need When You Feel Emotionally Dysregulated?

Many people who would like to be more emotionally regulated don't understand what they need when they feel upset (see my article: Developing Skills to Manage Your Emotions).

Emotional Regulation

This is understandable because when you are sufficiently upset, the part of your brain that allows you to reason (the prefrontal cortex) is often "off line". 

The more reactive part of your brain, the amygdala, gets into a fight or flight mode so that you  can't think your way into knowing what you need.

When you feel emotionally overwhelmed, here are some tips on what can be helpful:

• Pause and Slow Down: Whether you do this by using a breathing exercise, grounding exercise or a mindfulness meditation, pausing and slowing down helps you to calm down so you can think about what you need.

Emotional Regulation

• Try the 5-4-3-2-1 Technique: Name 5 things you see, 4 things you can touch, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell and 1 thing you can taste. This helps you to stop spiraling so you can get back to feeling like yourself again.

• Pick a Color: If the 5-4-3-2-1 technique feels like too much in the moment, you can choose a color, like the color blue and look around the room and name all the things you see that are blue. This is an even simpler way to calm yourself. It also helps to orient you to your environment.

• Try the Butterfly Tapping Technique: Another way to calm yourself is to use Butterfly Tapping:
• Sit comfortably, cross your arms over your chest and rest your hands on your upper arms or shoulders. 

• Give yourself alternating gentle taps on your upper arms or shoulder (right then left) in a slow rhythmic motion for 1-3 minutes or until you feel calmer.  This helps to reduce stress (see my article: Self Soothing with the Butterfly Hug).

• Tune Into Your Body and Ask Yourself: "What do I need?"
• What emotions are you feeling and where do you feel it in your body?

Emotional Regulation

• Are you angry?  If so, what are you angry about? What do you need to feel safe?

• Are you afraid? If so, what are you afraid about? What do you need to feel safe?

• Are you lonely? If so, who can you contact to make a meaningful connection? This can also be a connection with a pet.

• Practice Slowing Down With Low Stakes Situations: When you're learning to regulate yourself, practice slowing down with low stakes situations before you try to tackle more high stakes triggers.

Get Help in Therapy

Sometimes self help tips aren't enough and you might need professional help to learn to regulate yourself emotionally.

Get Help in Therapy

A licensed mental health professional can help you to get to the root of your problems so you can overcome the underlying problems that are triggering you.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed psychotherapist so you can live a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

As a trauma therapist with over 25 years of experience, I have helped many individual adults and couples (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.