10 Simple Self-Care Techniques to Reduce Stress and Emotional Overwhelm

These days I find that clients in my New York City psychotherapy private practice are more stressed out and emotionally overwhelmed than I have seen in over 25 years of being a therapist.

Why are people so stressed out and emotionally overwhelmed these days? 

Stress and Emotional Overwhelm

The answer to this question varies for each individual but, in general, many people are feeling exceptionally overwhelmed and stressed out due to the demands of modern living.

The Demands of Modern Living

Modern living forces the human brain to process unprecedented amounts of information, deal with economic unpredictability and collective anxiety, and in many cases people are doing all of this without adequate emotional support.

Societal changes have fundamentally altered how our nervous system functions on a daily basis.  

According to the American Psychological Association (APA), there are several compounding factors that drive widespread stress and mental exhaustion including:

Information Overload and the "Always On" Culture

• Constant Cortisol Spikes: Smartphones and the 24/7 news cycle stream real time global conflicts, economic worries and national division into our lives.

• Vanishing Boundaries: The rise of remote and hybrid work means people never feel fully able to disconnect. This leaves many workers feeling chronically stressed by an inability to log off their phones or computers.

• Emerging Technology Anxiety: Rapid advancements in AI and automated technology have triggered widespread job insecurity and cognitive fatigue, particularly among young adults.

The Crisis of Disconnection

• Deepening Loneliness: The APA report highlights that over half of adults face daily loneliness which severely weakens their ability to bounce back from stress (see my article: Overcoming Loneliness and Social Isolation).

Stress and Emotional Overwhelm

• Lacking Shared Loads: Humans naturally co-regulate stress through close relationships. Without a supportive community, small daily tasks begin to feel like insurmountable obstacles.

• Societal Division: Pervasive social and political discord causes individuals to withdraw, cancel plans and feel increasingly isolated from those around them (see my article: How to Deal With Political Differences Among Your Loved Ones).

Unrelenting Financial and Personal Strain

• The Weight of Inflation: Constant unpredictability regarding the baseline prices of groceries, rent and healthcare act as a persistent, low-grade threat to our fundamental sense of safety.

Stress and Emotional Overwhelm

• Career Anxiety: Roughly 40% of workers actively worry about long-term job security. This has transformed the modern workplace into a primary source of stress and burnout.

Family Stressors and Mental Load

• Family Stressors and Mental Load: Trying to cope with the tasks of managing a healthy relationship and taking care of children are additional stressors (see my article:Sharing the Mental Load in Your Relationship).

What Are 10 Simple Self-Care Techniques to Reduce Stress and Emotional Overwhelm?

When emotional overwhelm and stress take over, the brain struggles to process complex information, which makes simple physical and sensory shifts the most effective ways to reset.

I find that individual clients vary in terms of self-care techniques. Some naturally gravitate to certain practices over others, so you can see which ones work for you.

Here are some techniques that can help you:

Body Based Grounding Techniques

• The 5-4-3-2-1 Sensory Check: Name five things that you see, four things you can physically feel, three things you hear, two things you smell and one thing you can taste to pull your mind out of a stress loop.

Stress Management Techniques

• Square Breathing: Inhale for four seconds, hold your breath for four seconds, exhale for four seconds and hold for four seconds to calm down and lower your heart rate (see my article: What is Square Breathing?).

• Temperature Shift: Splash cold water on your face which physically slows down your racing nervous system.

Micro-Breaks and Environmental Shifts

• The Two-Minute Screen Reset: Close your eyes or look out the window at a distant object for two full minutes to give your brain a break from digital overstimulation.

• Change the Scenery: Step into a different room or walk outside for five minutes so that a swift change in environment can break anxious repetitive thoughts.

• The Sensory Reduction Minute: Sit in a quiet dark room or put on noise-cancelling headphones to eliminate clutter when your mind feels full. 

Stress Management Techniques

• Go Out in Nature: Take a walk, even if it's for five minutes, in a nearby park to reset your body and mind (see my article: Walking in Nature to Improve Your Mood).

Low-Effort Daily Maintenance: 

• The One-Thing Priority: Pick one task to focus on today and give yourself permission to let everything else wait.

• The Hydration Pause: Practice this quick mindfulness technique: Drink a full glass of water slowly while focusing on the physical sensation of swallowing to anchor yourself in the present moment.

• Brain Dumping: Write down every thought, worry or task for three minutes to get the mental clutter out of your head (see my articles: Tips to Cope With Chronic Worrying and Journal Writing to Relieve Stress and Anxiety).

Get Help in Therapy

If you have constant stress and worry and these simple self-care techniques aren't working for you, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who helps clients to cope with stress and anxiety-related issues.

Get Help in Therapy

Instead of struggling on your own, seek help from a skilled psychotherapist so you can live a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT Couples Therapist, IFS/Parts Work, Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have helped many individual adults and couples to overcome stress, emotional overwhelm and trauma.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

Before setting up a first appointment, I provide a free 10-15 phone call.

To set up an appointment, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

Taking Out Time For Self Care 

What is Toxic Stress? 

Managing Your Emotions During Stressful Times 

Coping With a Difficult Boss 

Balancing Your Personal Life and Your Career 

How is Mind-Body Oriented Psychotherapy Different From Traditional Psychotherapy?

I have written about Experiential Therapy, which is also known as mind-body oriented therapy or bottom up therapy, in prior articles (see links for a list of articles below).

Mind-Body Oriented Therapy vs Traditional Therapy

How is Mind-Body Oriented Therapy Different From Traditional Therapy?

Mind-body oriented psychotherapy is different from traditional therapy because it integrates the physical body into the psychological healing process instead of relying only on verbal dialog, intellectual analysis and insight alone.

As I have mentioned in prior articles, traditional talk therapy, like cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), uses a "top down" approach focusing on thoughts to influence feelings and behavior.  

In contrast to traditional talk therapy, mind-body oriented therapy or somatic therapy uses as "bottom up" approach. This means it uses physiological regulation in addition to focusing on thoughts and behavior to calm the nervous system and unlock psychological change.

Core Direction of Healing

• Traditional Therapy (top down): Targets the conscious rational mind. It analyzes problems, restructures distorted thinking and explores personal history to change emotional responses.

Mind-Body Oriented Therapy vs Traditional Talk Therapy

• Mind-Body Therapy (bottom up): Targets the autonomic nervous system. It addresses how stress and trauma are physically stored in the body as well as posture and breathing patterns.

Comparison of Key Differences

Primary Vehicle

• Traditional Therapy: Verbal communication and cognitive reflection.

Mind-Body Oriented Therapy vs Traditional Therapy

• Mind-Body Therapy: Bodily sensations, movement and physiological tracking as well as reflection on the connection between the mind and unconscious processes.

View of the Body

• Traditional Therapy: The body is a passive bystander that reacts to thoughts.

Mind-Body Oriented Therapy vs Traditional Therapy

• Mind-Body Therapy: The body is an active partner that can express unspoken trauma.

Key Objectives

• Traditional Therapy: Insight development, behavior modification and narrative reframing.

• Mind-Body Therapy: Nervous system regulation, awareness of the body and trauma processing.

Pacing and Flow

• Traditional Therapy: Continuous conversation, logical analysis and structured debate.

Mind-Body Oriented Therapy vs Traditional Therapy

• Mind-Body Therapy: Frequent pauses, mindful silence and inward sensory tracking.

Differences in Applied Technique

• Traditional Therapy: Relies on cognitive restructuring, behavioral tracking, exposure exercises and exploring historical family dynamics.

• Mind-Body Therapy: Incorporates targeted breathwork, progressive muscle relaxation, grounding exercises , containment exercises and psychological and physical release of painful experiences.

Trauma Processing

• Traditional Therapy: Can sometimes overwhelm clients by revisiting traumatic memories in an abstract way without containment.

Mind-Body Oriented Therapy vs Traditional Therapy

• Mind-body Therapy: Mind-body therapy, like EMDR therapy, Somatic Experiencing, IFS Therapy and AEDP, focus on discharging the physical survival energy bound to the traumatic memory. This usually provides faster and safer psychological and physiological relief.

Therapeutic Synergy

While traditional therapy and mind-body therapy are distinct, these approaches aren't mutually exclusive. 

Mind-Body Oriented Therapy vs Traditional Therapy

Many modern psychotherapists use an integrative approach where cognitive insights from talk therapy are grounded and stabilized through mind-body oriented techniques.

My Approach

My original training over 25 years ago was in psychoanalysis and psychodynamic psychotherapy which are both depth-oriented therapies.

Over the years, I trained in mind-body oriented therapies like EMDR, Somatic Experiencing, IFS, AEDP, hypnotherapy and Emotionally Focused Therapy for couples because I found that psychoanalysis and psychodynamic therapy were limited. 

As a result, I use an integrative approach which combines the best of depth psychology and mind-body oriented therapy to help clients heal emotional wounds.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, IFS/Parts Work, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I use an integrated approach to therapy to help individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

I provide a free 10-15 minute phone call before setting up a first appointment.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

What Are the Benefits of Integrative Therapy?

What is the Difference Between a Top-Down and Bottom-Up Approach to Therapy?

Healing From the Inside Out: Why Intellectual Insight Isn't Enough 

What is Somatic IFS Therapy? 

What is the Difference Between Setting Healthy Boundaries and Putting Up Walls?

I have written about setting healthy boundaries and putting up defensive walls in prior articles (see links for these articles at the end of this article).

What is the Difference Between Setting Healthy Boundaries and Putting Up Walls?

People often confuse healthy boundaries and putting up walls, so let's explore the difference between the two.

Setting Healthy Boundaries vs Putting Up Walls

The primary difference is that healthy boundaries are meant to protect connection between two or more people and putting up walls prevents connection.

The description below is a comparison between the two:

Core Motivation

• Healthy Boundaries: Self respect and love
• Putting Up Walls: Fear and self preservation

Communication

• Healthy Boundaries: Boundaries are explicit and clear
• Putting Up Walls: Walls are silent withdrawal or shutting down emotionally

Flexibility

• Healthy Boundaries: Permeable, situational and adaptive
• Putting Up Walls: Rigid, static and absolute

Relational Goal

• Healthy Boundaries: Show others where the "door" is
• Putting Up Walls: Lock others out indiscriminately

Personal Outcome

• Healthy Boundaries: Closeness, peace and security
• Putting Up Walls: isolation, loneliness and hypervigilance

Let's take a look at each one individually:

Healthy Boundaries

• Driven By Self Respect: Boundaries define what is okay and what is not based on your values, comfort level and energy.

• The "Doorway" Concept: A boundary acts as a "door' with instructions. It lets people know exactly how they can interact and achieve emotional intimacy with you. 

• Highly Communicative: Boundaries are explicitly defined. An example would be, "I want to talk about this, but I need us to speak calmly. If either of us raises our voices, I'm going to step away for 20 minutes to cool down before I come back and we resume our discussion."

• Context-Dependent: Boundaries can shift depending on trust, safety and the specific person involved.

Putting Up Walls

• Driven By Fear: Walls are defensive barriers which are often related to unresolved psychological wounds or, possibly, exhaustion.

Setting Healthy Boundaries vs Putting Up Walls

• Total Blockage: Instead of regulating the flow of the relationship, walls shut the external world out. Putting up walls assumes that vulnerability equals danger.

• Shutdown: Walls rarely come with clear, healthy communication. They can manifest as the "silent treatment", emotional coldness, ghosting or stonewalling

• Rigid and Indiscriminate: A wall implies a blanket rule for everyone. For example, "Everyone always let me down, so I'm never opening up to anyone."

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many different cases, illustrates how someone can learn to take down their wall and learn to set healthy boundaries:

Eric

After a woman he was dating, Paula, told Eric that she found him hard to get to know because of the rigid walls he maintained, Eric decided to seek help in therapy to work on this issue. 

Other women had told him the same thing in the past and, since he really liked Paula, he knew his relationship with her wouldn't work out if he continued to be defensive.

Initially, Eric sought help in cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) because he wanted quick tools for overcoming his problem. 

But, even after Eric developed insight in CBT into his problems and learned tools and strategies to open up, he didn't feel any more comfortable opening up (see my article: Healing From the Inside Out: Why Insight Isn't Enough).

Realizing that insight wasn't enough, Eric asked his friends to find about other types of therapy options he try and his closest friend suggested that he try one of the Experiential Therapies (see my article: What is the Difference Between "Top Down" and "Bottom Up" Approaches to Therapy?).

After Eric looked around, he began working with an Experiential Therapist who did IFS (Internal Family Systems) Therapy which is also known as Parts Work Therapy or Ego States Therapy.

Eric immediately noticed the difference. He and his IFS therapist worked on a much deeper level to help him understand why he kept walls up in his relationships with women and, more importantly, how he could learn to take down the walls and develop healthy boundaries.

IFS therapy didn't turn out to be the "quick fix" Eric hoped for, but he was gradually making progress which Paula noticed. He was able to communicate with her in a more open and flexible way. As a result, their relationship deepened and grew.

He also worked through the unresolved complex trauma that caused him to build walls with women in the first place.

Eric also learned to distinguish when he was safe with others and when he needed to set firmer boundaries. For instance, he learned to set firmer boundaries with certain family members who tended to say hurtful things to him and he felt proud of himself for that.

Conclusion

Many people confuse setting healthy boundaries with putting up walls.

Putting up walls is often the result of unresolved trauma.

Change happens on an emotional level which is why traditional talk therapy often doesn't resolve trauma (see my article: Why is Experiential Therapy More Effective Than Traditional Talk Therapy?).

Experiential therapy, which includes IFS, EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing as well as other similar therapies, can help you to go beyond just developing insight so that you can make significant emotional and psychological changes in your life.

Getting Help in Experiential Therapy

If you are struggling in your relationships because you tend to put up walls, you could benefit from working with an Experiential Therapist.

Getting Help in Experiential Therapy

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who is an Experiential Therapist so you can have healthier relationships and have live a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, IFS, Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist

I have helped many individual adults and couples over the years.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

I provide a free 10-15 minute phone conversation before I set up a first appointment.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

Setting Healthy Boundaries in Relationships 

Overcoming Share in an Enmeshed Family 

What Are the Unspoken Expectations Between Some Mothers and Adult Daughters? 

Setting Boundaries With Family Members Who Want to Interfere in Your Relationship 

Emotional Numbing: The Wall That Once Protected You Now Imprisons You

How Therapy Can Help You With the Walls You Have Built Around Yourself  

 

What Are 4 Warning Signs Your Relationship Could Be in Trouble?

Many couples who seek help in couples therapy wait until the relationship is in serious trouble or they are one step away from ending the relationship.

Problems in a Relationship

Most long term relationships usually don't end because of one argument. On the contrary, they usually end due to the repetition of the same issues that don't change: Feeling unseen, unheard, misunderstood and stuck in a negative cycle.

Although all long term relationships have their ups and downs, there are specific patterns of behavior that indicate deep trouble. These include:

1. Communication Problems

There are certain communication problems that often precede the breakup of a long term relationship:

• Stonewalling: One or both people in the relationship shutdown, withdraw or refuse to engage during discussions (see my article: Are You a Stonewaller in Your Relationship?)

• Extreme Defensiveness: Feedback is met with excuses or counter-attacks rather than active listening and responding (see my article: Responding Instead of Reacting).

Communication Problems in a Relationship

• Off Limit Topics: One of both partners avoid talking about certain important issues due to fear of the other partner's response.

• Passive Aggressive Hinting: Dropping subtle (and not so subtle) clues or making sarcastic remarks instead of expressing needs directly and clearly.

2. Emotional Distance: Emotional distance often develops and grows over time in relationships that are in trouble:

• Living Like Roommates: Although you share a physical space, you no longer share your thoughts, feelings, vulnerabilities, hopes and dreams or even talk about the highlights of your day.

Emotional Disconnection in a Relationship

• Fading or Absent Physical Intimacy: Physical intimacy declines over time and might be absent for months or years. There is no sexual or non-sexual expressions of affection--no holding hands, no hugs or cuddling (see my article: Have You and Your Partner Stopped Having Sex?).

• Feeling Relief During Absence: Feeling a sense of relief and peace during times when you are apart.

• Intentionally Withholding: Intentionally withholding time, affection, interest and, possibly, withholding financial openness as a tool to punish a partner.

3. Chronic, Unhealthy Conflict

This might include:

• "Looping" Arguments: Having the same conflict over and over again without ever reaching a compromise or solution (see my article: Breaking the Negative Cycle in Your Relationship).

Chronic Conflict in a Relationship

• The Relationship Scorecard: Continually bringing up old mistakes to blame your partner and try to "win" current arguments (see my article: How to Stop Keeping Score in Your Relationship).

• Personalized Attacks: Shifting from discussing a partner's current particular behavior to attacking your partner's character.

• Lack of Repair After Conflict; Ruptures and arguments happen frequently, but neither partner steps forward to apologize or to genuinely try to heal the emotional wound.

4. Toxic and Controlling Behavior

These might include:

• Holding the Relationship Commitment Hostage: Threatening a breakup or divorce over minor, every day disagreements as a way to manipulate the other person.

Toxic and Controlling Behavior in a Relationship

• Walking on Eggshells: Constantly monitoring your own behavior, words and tone to avoid triggering a partner's anger.

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many cases, illustrates the long term relationship can decline over time and how couples therapy can help:

Jane and Peter

During the early stage of their relationship, Jane and Peter had a happy, passionate relationship. 

Two years after they met, they got married and both of them developed busy careers.  Initially, they made sure to make time for each other on the weekends, but over the years, as ongoing conflicts developed, they stopped prioritizing their relationship and spent less time together.

Peter resented Jane's close relationship with her sister. He felt that Jane was constantly trying to solve her sister's problems. But when he complained to her about it, Jane refused to talk about it. After a while, as his resentment grew, Peter resorted to making sarcastic remarks to Jane whenever she got together with her sister. Inwardly, he was hurting, but he didn't know how to express his wounded feelings.

Jane resented Peter's long hours at work. She knew Peter didn't want to hear her complain about the time he spent at work, so she seethed inwardly. Sometimes she made caustic remarks ("I think you must be having an affair with someone at work"), but rather than addressing her complaints, Peter stonewalled and spent most of his time in his home office. Underneath her anger and resentment, Jane really missed spending time with Peter, but she felt too vulnerable to tell him this.

Problems in a Relationship

Several years later, they both felt lonely in their relationship. They were co-existing in the same New York City apartment as if they were roommates. They hadn't had sex in years and they were no longer physically affectionate with one another. Even though they still loved each other, they hadn't expressed love for one another in years.

Their biggest problem was their emotional disconnection, but neither of them felt comfortable enough to bring that up, so they had ongoing arguments about money instead. Peter accused Jane of spending too much money and Jane accused Peter of being cheap.

When Peter planned to be away on a business trip for a few days, he sensed that Jane was relieved that he wouldn't be around. On the surface, he was aware of being angry, but deep down he felt sad and hurt.

When Peter returned from his business trip, he could feel Jane's resentment. After a while, he felt overwhelmed by the problems between them and he told her, "I don't even know why we're together. If things don't get better between us, I think we should get a divorce."

Jane felt shaken by Peter's threat of divorce. She wanted to talk to him, but she was afraid of being rebuffed by him. Later that day when she saw her sister, Jane was in tears. She knew things were bad in her marriage, but she couldn't believe Peter was threatening divorce.

Jane's sister told her that when her close friend had marital problems, she sought help from an Emotionally Focused Couples Therapist (EFT) and they were making progress.

After Jane got the name of the EFT therapist, she took a deep breath and spoke to Peter about it. To her surprise, he listened to her and admitted that he would like to try to work on their relationship.

Their EFT couples therapist helped them to identify the recurring negative cycle in their relationship and provided them with tools and strategies to overcome this cycle.

Since their problems were long-standing and entrenched, the work was neither quick nor easy, but they made steady progress over time.

Their couples therapist was also a certified sex therapist, so after Jane and Peter worked through their emotional disconnection and recurring arguments, they made progress on improving their sex life.

Conclusion

Many couples wait until their relationship is in serious trouble before they seek help.

Like most difficult problems, relationship problems are easier to solve when problems first develop--before they become entrenched.

Get Help in Couples Therapy

If you and your partner have been struggling with relationship problems, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who is a couples therapist.

Get Help in Couples Therapy

If your problems include sexual issues, seek help from a couples therapist who is also a certified sex therapist (not all couples therapists are trained to deal with sexual problems).

A skilled couples therapist can help you to work through your issues so you can have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, IFS/Parts Work, EFT couples therapist, Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have helped many individual adults and couples over the years.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

I provide a free 10-15 minute call before setting up an appointment.

To contact me, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

What Are the Unspoken Expectations Between Some Mothers and Adult Daughters?

The relationship between some mothers and daughters can be complex (see the links for previous articles on mothers and daughters at the end of this article).

Expectatons Between Mothers and Adult Daughters

What Are the Unspoken Expectations Between Some Mothers and Adult Daughters?

Unspoken expectations between mothers and adult daughters are silent "rules" that create deep emotional friction when one or both them think these rules have been broken.

Here are some of the most common unspoken expectations that dictate many mother-daughter relationships:

The Expectation of a Shared Identity

• The Emotional Mirror: While many mothers expect their adult daughters to mirror their core values, life choices and morals, many adult daughters expect their mothers to validate every feeling they have.

• The Mind-Reading Rule: Many mothers and adult daughters assume that just because they share a genetic and historical bond, they should automatically know what the other needs without explicit communication.

Expectations Between Mothers and Adult Daughters

• The "Am I You?" Trap: Some mothers expect their adult daughters to live out the dreams the mothers never achieved. They might view a different path as being a personal rejection.

The Obligation of Availability

• The Priority Shift: Many mothers expect that they will continue to be their adult daughter's main confidante. This can lead to resentment for the daughter's partner, spouse and friends who become the daughter's emotional support.

• The Caregiver Default: There is often an unspoken assumption that the mother will be the babysitter for the adult daughter's children. This can cause resentment if the mother has other ways she might want to spend her time. Conversely, a mother might assume she will take care of the daughter's children and become hurt and disappointed when the daughter chooses to hire a nanny instead. In addition, there might be an unspoken assumption by the mother that her daughter will be her physical caretaker as the mother ages. This can cause the mother to feel resentful if the daughter either can't or won't take care of her and the daughter might feel guilty--even if she knows she can't do it.

• The Open Door Policy: There might be an unspoken expectation by both mothers and adult daughters that boundaries don't apply between them so that there can be visits without calling ahead to see if it's convenient.

The Burden of Perfection

• The Flawless History: Adult daughters often expect their mothers to be completely healed, rational and "perfect". They might forget that their mothers can be flawed individuals with their own history of unresolved trauma. Mothers, in turn, might expect that their adult daughter's childhood history became automatically healed because the trauma occurred when the daughter was a child. They think "it happened a long time ago" so their daughter shouldn't still be affected by the trauma.

• The Unconditional Approval: Adult daughters might silently expected unconditional approval for their lifestyle, career or parenting choices. At the same time, mothers might expected their advice to be accepted without question.

Expectations Between Mothers and Adult Daughters

• The Legacy Preservation: Mothers might expect adult daughters to maintain specific family traditions, holidays and ways of communicating exactly as they had been when their daughter was growing up. When a daughter makes decisions about what she wants, which might be different from what the mother wants, the mother might feel sad and resentful. In addition, adult daughters might expect that their mothers will always remain the same and they might become disappointed if mothers want to make changes.

How Can Mothers and Adult Daughters Break These Patterns?

Breaking unspoken expectations requires shifting from an automatic emotional reaction to intentional communication.

This process involves shifting from a mother-child interaction to an adult-to-adult relationship.

Here are some guidelines that might be helpful in making this shift:

Identify the "Trigger and Trend"

Before speaking to each other, identify the patterns between you to understand exactly what is happening:

• Name the Unspoken Rule: Pinpoint the exact expectation (e.g., "Mother expects me to call her every day at the same time and, if I don't, she thinks there's something wrong between us).

Expectations Between Mothers and Adult Daughters

• Notice Your Physical Reaction: Pay attention to when you feel guilty, angry or resentful and notice the physical sensation in your body. Physical reactions about these types of issues often indicate a boundary violation.

• Separate Love From Compliance: Remind yourself that disagreeing with a choice or setting a boundary with a family member doesn't mean you love them less.

Transition From Unspoken to Spoken

Bring the hidden expectations into the light using neutral, non-accusatory language.

• Use "I" Statements: Focus on your experience rather than blaming the other person's behavior.

• Call Out the Silent Expectation Gently: Instead of blaming and accusing, you can make an observation. For instance, you could say something like, "I've noticed that when I don't call you every day, you think there's something wrong between us."

• Acknowledge the Good Intention: Validate the love behind the behavior before shifting it. For instance, if your mother gives unsolicited parental advice which you don't agree with, you can say something like, "I know you're offering this advice because you love the kids, but I need to figure this out myself."

Establish Clear Behavioral Boundaries

Replace the unspoken rules with a clear, predictable boundary so both of you know what to expect.

• Define Communication Patterns: Instead of waiting for a stressful, angry call from the other person, set a predictable pattern: "Let's get caught up with each other with a phone call every Wednesday night" (or however you want to structure it).

• Set Topic Boundaries: Decide what is "off limits" if certain topics create conflict. For example, you can say something like, "I love you, but I'm not willing to talk to you about my finances."

• Keep the Boundaries: Old habits are often hard to change. If the "off limits" topic comes up, politely remind the other person about the agreement. For instance, you can say, "We agreed not to talk about this" and if the other person persists, you can say, "I'm going ot hang up now. We can talk next Wednesday."

Practice De-Enmeshment (Differentiation)

De-enmeshment is a psychological process of accepting that you are two separate individuals with different minds, feelings, values and lives (see my article: Enmeshed Families).

• Allow Them to Be Disappointed: You cannot control their emotional reaction to your boundary setting. Allow them to sit with their discomfort without trying to 'fix" it.

• Let Go of the Need For Approval: Stop asking for validation for choices you have already made. If you decide to tell them about your decisions, state these decisions as facts rather than a proposal for their approval.

• View Them as a Peer: Remind yourself that your mother is a flawed human being (just as we all are) and that she had a life before you. If you're a mother, remind yourself that your daughter is a grown adult who. must make her own decisions and deal with any mistakes.

Shift From Reacting to Responding

When old patterns come up, pause before you fall back on old patterns.

• Take a Time-Out: Do not respond immediately to an angry text or phone call. Wait 20 minutes to cool down and respond instead of reacting (see my article: Responding Instead of Reacting).

• Use Deflection: Keep a few phrases handy for when boundaries are pushed. This might involve saying something like, "That's an interesting perspective" or "We just see things differently and that's okay."

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette is a composite of many different cases:

Janet and Ann

When Janet brought home her boyfriend, Tom, to meet her mother, Ann, Janet could tell immediately that Ann didn't approve of him.

Ann raised Janet in a strict Christian home and she expected that Janet would maintain the same religious traditions. When Janet was in her early 20s, she let her mother know that she no longer believed in these strict traditions and religion was no longer important to her.  Although Ann was very disappointed, she thought that she could convince Janet to change her mind. 

Problems Between Mothers and Adult Daughters

When Ann asked Tom about his religion, initially, he was surprised by this intrusive question, but he maintained his composure and told her that he didn't follow any religion. This disturbed Ann, who later told Janet that she believed Tom was "influencing her in the wrong direction."

Janet bristled at this comment and reminded her mother that she had made up her mind about religion long before she met Tom and she didn't want Janet to blame him.

After a few heated arguments, Janet told her mother that she loved her, but this was a topic that was "off limits" between them.

Janet had always struggled to set limits with her mother without feeling guilty. She knew she and her mother were enmeshed and she began therapy to work on this.

Gradually, Janet learned to maintain boundaries that she set with her mother. It wasn't easy at first because she felt guilty about it. But after a while, she felt more entitled to be her own person and to remind her mother that they were two different individuals.

Initially, Ann struggled with Janet's boundary setting. She felt she knew what was best for her adult daughter and she wanted to spare Janet from making mistakes she would regret. But, over time, she realized that if she wanted to maintain a healthy relationship with her daughter, she needed to respect her daughter's boundaries.

Conclusion

The vignette in this article is about how a mother has problems with her adult daughter's boundaries but, as I mentioned earlier, the problem is just as likely to be an adult daughter who doesn't respect a mother's boundaries.

Although this article focuses on mother and daughters, there can be similar dynamics between mothers and sons, fathers and sons and fathers and daughters.

Get Help in Therapy

If you are having problems working out issues on your own, you could benefit from working together in mother-daughter therapy.

Get Help in Mother-Daughter Therapy

You might also need to work on issues individually either as a preliminary step before you participate in mother-daughter or even if you never attend this therapy with your relative.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional so you can free yourself from old habitual patterns and you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, IFS/Parts Work Therapist, Somatic Experiencing, EFT Couples Therapist and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have helped many individuals, couples and mothers and daughters over the years.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

I offer a free 10-15 minute phone call before setting up an appointment either in person or online.

You can reach me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

Ambivalence and Codependence Between Mothers and Adult Daughters

Mother-Daughter Relationships: Early Bonding 

Life Stages in Mother-Daughter Relationships 

Healing Adult Mother-Daughter Relationships