Understanding Why An Emotional Block Might Be Preventing You From Crying

If you have ever felt like your tears of sadness are "stuck", you know the frustration of feeling an emotional block (also known as emotional numbing). This often happens when your nervous system feels overwhelmed and enters into a self-protective "freeze" response.

Trauma Responses: The Freeze Response

You might feel the intense pressure of a lump in your throat, but your mind perceives this type crying as a potential threat to your emotional survival and safety. This "freeze" response is known as a trauma response. 

What Are the Reasons Why Your Tears Might Feel "Stuck"?

• Your Nervous System "Freeze" Response: When you experience prolonged stress or intense trauma, your sympathetic nervous system (SNS) can become overloaded. Instead of triggering a fight-or-flight response, your body reacts with a survival mechanism called dissociation (also known as a dorsal vagal shutdown).  Your brain reduces the intensity of your emotions to protect you from being overwhelmed by them. This response acts like a "circuit breaker" that cuts off power to your tear ducts (see my article: What is Trauma-Related Dissociation?)

Trauma Responses: The Freeze Response 

• Emotional Exhaustion and Burnout: Crying is an active biological process that requires emotional energy. If you have been trying to "hold it together" for months or even years, your emotional reserves can become depleted. The sadness is there, but your body might not have the stamina to release the tears.

Emotional Exhaustion and Burnout

• Unconscious Conditioning and Safety Walls: If you grew up in a household where there were rules that you shouldn't cry or you were punished for showing emotional vulnerability, these experiences can teach your brain to suppress tears. If you might ahve been given the message that you had to be "independent" when you were a child so you had to keep your emotions suppressed. In addition, forcing yourself to "power through" can leave you with no room to pause, soften, feel your feelings and cry.  

Being Scolded For Crying as a Child?

• Mental Health Conditions: Even though depression is usually associated with sadness, it frequently shows up as emotional blunting or anhedonia. This can make you experience your feelings as "flat" which makes tears inaccessible.

How to Safely Release Blocked Emotions in Experiential Therapy

You can't force an emotional release by trying to force yourself to cry because when you put that kind of pressure on yourself, your nervous system tightens up even more. In order for you release pent up emotions, you need to have a sense of safety so your body can gently release the emotions.

When you are dealing with "stuck" emotions, traditional talk therapy can be too much of an intellectual process that keeps you in your head. You might gain intellectual insight into your problems, but you don't get an emotional release.

The most effective therapies for processing trauma and releasing "stuck" emotions are mind-body oriented therapies, also known as Experiential Therapies (see my article: Why is Experiential Therapy More Effective For Healing Trauma Than Traditional Talk Therapy?).

The following are some of the main types of Experiential Therapy:

• Somatic Experiencing (SE): SE was developed by Dr. Peter Levine. SE treats emotional numbness as trapped survival energy from past stress or trauma. An SE therapist helps you to slow down so you can track subtle sensations (warmth, tingling, tightness) rather than asking you to only talk about what you're experiencing. By slowly introducing small amounts of "stuck" energy at a time (a process called "titration" in SE), your nervous system gently "thaws out" of its freeze response without becoming overwhelmed (see my article:  What Are the Benefits of SE to Heal Trauma?).

Somatic Experiencing Therapy

• Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR): While EMDR is usually associated with the bilateral stimulation process it uses, it is deeply rooted in how the body stores distressing memories. During the processing phase of EMDR, you focus on a particular memory or, if you are stuck in a freeze response, you focus on the physical feeling of numbness and where you feel it in the body. Then you follow either a physical or tactile bilateral stimulus. EMDR can help you to process "stuck" emotional information. Over time, this can lead to a somatic discharge like crying or a deep sense of physical relief when your body and mind feel safe enough to do it (see my article: How Does EMDR Therapy Work: EMDR and the Brain).

EMDR Therapy

• Internal Family Systems (IFS) Parts Work Therapy: In IFS an inability to cry due to a trauma-related freeze response is viewed as a protective strategy rather than a "broken" emotional system.  From an IFS perspective, this freeze response shields you from being overwhelmed by grief, fear or overwhelming sadness. In traditional psychotherapy the freeze response is often viewed as a symptom to eliminate, but in IFS the freeze response is appreciated as a protective aspect of the client. An IFS therapist uses the process called "unblending" to help the client to step away from the freeze response so that they can access Core Self, which is a part that is compassionate and curious to get to the underlying emotional wound that the emotional numbing protects (see my article: IFS Therapy is a Gentle Evidence-Based Trauma Therapy).

IFS Parts Work Therapy

• Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy (AEDP): An AEDP therapist treats the freeze response with a safe relational environment that gently helps to "thaw out" the nervous system. One of AEDP's primary goals is to "undo aloneness" where the therapist uses attachment-oriented affirmation ("I am here with you" or "We are doing this together") to build a secure base. When the brain registers true relational safety, the nervous system naturally begins to release it's survival-driven emotional numbing. The AEDP therapist also uses moment-to-moment tracking of the client's somatic cues. She will bring awareness to these somatic cues ("I notice that your jaw seems tight" or "I notice that your breath seems shallow. Can we slow down so we can see what's happening there?" Similar to IFS, AEDP recognizes that emotional numbing was once an adaptive defense when it wasn't possible to express emotions. So, she helps the client to process the emotional numbing. When the client begins to "thaw" from the emotional numbing, the therapist shares the emotional burden, validating the client's feelings and keeping the client anchored within their "window of tolerance" so that this energy can be discharged in a way that is manageable for the client (see my article: What is AEDP and How Does It Heal Trauma?).

What Are the Benefits of Integrating Experiential Therapies Like EMDR, IFS, AEDP and SE?

When an Experiential Therapist integrates EMDR, IFS, AEDP and SE (or any combination of these therapies), it means she is practicing an integrative trauma-informed "bottom up" approach to healing trauma.

Rather than using an intellectual top-down approach of talking about trauma conceptually, as would be done in traditional psychotherapy, the Experiential Therapist targets how trauma is held in the mind and in the nervous system. 

By using a combination of Experiential Therapy, the trauma therapist builds a complete plan that addresses the cognitive, emotional, relational and physical layers of your trauma. 

Get Help in Experiential Therapy

Whereas traditional psychotherapy is a "top down" approach, Experiential Therapies are a  "bottom up" approach to healing trauma.

Get Help in Experiential Therapy

The bottom-up approach of Experiential Therapy is often more effective than a top-down approach because because trauma, intense anxiety and emotional stress are stored in the lower brain regions and the autonomic nervous system which rational thoughts and traditional talk therapy cannot access.

If you are struggling with unresolved trauma, seek help in Experiential Therapy so you can heal your trauma and lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), IFS, Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have helped many individual adults and couples over the years.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

EMDR Therapy - When Talk Therapy Isn't Enough 

Somatic Experiencing - A Mind-Body Oriented Therapy to Heal Trauma 

AEDP: How Does AEDP Process Emotions? 

IFS: How Are Emotions Processed in IFS Parts Work Therapy? 

IFS-Informed EMDR: What Are the Benefits of Integrating EMDR and IFS Parts Work Therapy?

Combining EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) and IFS (Internal Family Systems) Parts Work Therapy creates a powerful synergistic approach for recovering from trauma. 

Integrating EMDR and IFS Parts Work Therapy

See my articles about EMDR and IFS: 

What is EMDR Therapy?

IFS Parts Work Therapy is a Gentle Evidence Based Trauma Therapy

How Are EMDR and IFS Therapies Integrated For Trauma Processing?

EMDR therapy uses accelerated processing to target traumatic memories while IFS provides a gentle nonpathologizing framework that honors the many aspects of the client's personality (also known as "parts").

Integrating EMDR and IFS Parts Work Therapy

Blending EMDR and IFS is called IFS-informed EMDR. The integration of these two therapies helps trauma therapists to navigate dissociation, resistance and processing blocks for clients with unresolved psychological trauma.

Phases 1 and 2: History Taking, Treatment Planning and Preparation: Whereas traditional EMDR focuses on identifying target memories and teaching basic grounding skills, integrating IFS shifts the focus to mapping the client's internal system and establishing foundational safety:

• Parts Mapping: The trauma therapist maps out the client's psychological protective system. These protective parts are known as Managers and Firefighters. The wounded parts of the client, which hold the client's trauma history, are known as Exiles.

IFS Mapping

• Identifying Negative Beliefs as Parts: Instead of treating negative beliefs as just thoughts, the therapist treats negative beliefs, like I'm unlovable" or "I'm powerless", as protective parts which are trying to protect the client from future harm. 

• Cultivating Core Self Energy: The therapist ensures the client can access their Core Self. The Core Self is characterized by compassion, curiosity and other similar qualities. Core Self acts as the client's primary internal resource before trauma processing begins (see my article: Understanding Your Core Self and Parts in IFS Therapy).

Phases 3 and 4: Assessment and Reprocessing: This is where the synergy of integrating EMDR and IFS takes place. Instead of framing the client's "resistance" as a problem, the therapist understands the protective nature of resistant parts and uses IFS Parts Work to clear the path for EMDR's bilateral stimulation:

• Securing Protector's Consent: The client's protector part's permission is essential so, before using EMDR's bilateral stimulation on a traumatic memory, the therapist will check with the protective part guarding the memory. She will ask, "Is it okay if we look at this memory today? Would you be willing to step aside?"

Integrating EMDR and IFS Parts Work Therapy

• Handling Looping and Blocks: If processing stalls or the client dissociates, the therapist recognizes that a protector part has stepped in to block the intensity of the processing. If so, the therapist will introduce an IFS-informed cognitive interweave, "Can the part that is blocking the processing let us know what it is worried would happen if we keep going?" 

• Maintaining Functional Dual Attention: Dual attention means the client keeps one foot in the present moment (Core Self energy) while simultaneously witnessing the Exile's trauma during the bilateral stimulation (see my article: What is Dual Awareness in Psychotherapy?).

Phases 5 and 6: Installation and Body Scan: Once a memory has been desensitized, the focus shifts to internal alignment and somatic integration:

• Inviting the Parts to "Try On" Positive Beliefs: Instead of installing a positive belief globally (as would be done in traditional EMDR), the therapist will check out how individual parts of the client receive it. She will ask if the protective parts feel safe adopting a positive belief like "I am lovable" or "I feel empowered". 

Integrating EMDR and IFS Parts Work Therapy

• Somatic "Befriending": During the body scan, if any residual tension is detected, the therapist will treat this physical sensation as a part. She will help the client to bring curiosity to this area of the body to see what emotional burden it is holding.

Phase 7 and 8: Closure and Re-evaluation: These final phases ensure the internal system remains stable and cohesive between sessions:

• Systemic Inclusion: Before closing an incomplete session, a trauma therapist explicitly checks back in with the protector parts that stepped aside. She will acknowledge their hard work, thank them for their cooperation and ensure they feel safe returning to their roles until the next session. 

• Assessing Systemic Shifts: At the start of the next session, the therapist will evaluate the client's inner world to see how the client's parts reacted to the last session. She will also check to see if new protectors have emerged or if old ones feel lighter. 

What Are the Benefits of Integrating EMDR and IFS Parts Work Therapy?

Integrating EMDR and IFS combines the rapid processing of EMDR and the gentle framework of IFS. This hybrid approach, which is called IFS-Informed EMDR, addresses the limitations of each modality when used alone. 

IFS-Informed EMDR offers several distinct clinical advantages including:

• Reducing Dissociation and Emotional Flooding: Traditional EMDR can sometimes overwhelm certain clients with complex trauma. This overwhelm can lead to dissociation. The IFS benefit is that the therapist does not push beyond the client's defenses, which are seen as "parts". By identifying and gaining permission from protective parts before starting bilateral stimulation, the pacing of the therapy matches the client's internal threshold which prevents sudden decompensation (see my article: What is Complex Trauma?).

Integrating EMDR and IFS Parts Work Therapy

• Overcoming Treatment Blocks and Looping: In traditional EMDR, processing can stall ("loop") when the client's unconscious mind resists going to the traumatic memory. By using IFS, instead of viewing resistance as a hindrance, the therapist sees the protector part as doing its job. The therapist will pause the processing to hear the protector's fears (e.g., "If I let go of this fear, I'll be at risk for being traumatized again"). Hearing the protector's fears can unblock the processing without triggering internal conflict for the client.

• Providing an Internal Attachment Figure: Traditional EMDR relies heavily on the therapist as the external source of safety and containment during processing. IFS cultivates the client's Core Self energy of compassion and curiosity to act as the primary healing agent. The client's Core Self becomes the internal attachment figure that holds, validates and "re-parents" the wounded child part (known as the Exile) during trauma processing.

• Maximizing Safety For Complex PTSD: Clients with complex developmental trauma often lack a single, clear target memory to process which makes traditional EMDR therapy difficult to initiate. The IFS mapping provides a clear internal landscape because therapists can target the relationship between the parts or focus on the negative core beliefs held by a specific part. This offers a structured roadmap for clients with fragmented trauma histories.

• Enhancing Post-Session Integration: After an intense EMDR session, clients can sometimes experience a backslash from internal defenses that feel blindsided by the rapid changes. Integrating IFS involves explicitly thanking the protectors and checking back in with the internal system before ending the session. This ensures that the whole system feels respected which drastically reduces the possibility of a post session backlash.

Conclusion

Integrating EMDR therapy and IFS Parts Work Therapy combines the best aspects of both trauma therapies including the rapid processing of EMDR and the gentle non-pathologizing aspects of IFS.

Get Help in IFS-Informed EMDR Therapy

Whereas traditional talk therapy is a top-down approach, both EMDR and IFS are bottom up approaches (see my article: What is the "Top Down" and "Bottom Up" Approaches to Trauma Therapy?).

Get Help in IFS-Informed EMDR Therapy

If traditional talk therapy hasn't been effective in helping you to heal from trauma, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who integrates the best aspects of EMDR and IFS.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help with this integrated approach so you can work through trauma and live a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, IFS Parts Work, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

As a trauma therapist, I have helped many individual adults and couples over the years.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

Combining EMDR and IFS to Overcome Emotional Blocks 

EMDR Therapy - When Traditional Talk Therapy Isn't Enough 

How Are Emotions Processed in EMDR? 

What Are Imaginal Interweaves in EMDR?

What is the Connection Between IFS and Neural Networks?

Financial Infidelity in Relationships: How to Stop Hiding Financial Debt From Your Partner

Hiding financial debt from your partner is a form of financial infidelity which can be just as harmful as having a sexual affair. 

Keeping this secret can break trust with your partner, jeopardize your legal standing and ruin your shared relationship goals.

Financial Infidelity in Relationships

What Are the Potential Consequences of Hiding Financial Debt From Your Partner?

Let's look at the consequences in more detail:

• Erosion of Trust: Finding out about secret debt can cause a tremendous erosion of trust and feelings of betrayal. It can trigger relationship conflict or a breakup.

• Damaged Future Goals: Hidden debt takes away money that you and your partner would otherwise use to save for future goals, like a wedding, a new home or retirement.

• Credit Roadblocks: Hidden debt can prevent you and your partner from qualifying for apartment rentals, home mortgages or car loans.

• Legal and Joint Liabilities: If you co-sign for a loan or open joint accounts, your partner can become legally liable for the debt regardless of who spent the money.

Why Do People Hide Debt From Their Partner?

Secret spending or hidden debt usually occurs due to specific emotional and situational factors:

• Shame and Embarrassment: Feeling severe shame, guilt and embarrassment about past financial mistakes or current bad habits

Financial Infidelity in Relationships

• Fear of Confrontation: Worrying that a partner might judge you, get upset or call off a wedding or end the relationship

• Desire For Control: Wanting total independence or a financial fallback without answering to anyone

• Underlying Impulsive or Compulsive Habits: Masking debt that stems from hidden gambling, compulsive shopping or substance habits

What Steps Can You Take to Stop Hiding Debt From Your Partner?

There is no one-size-fits-all answer to this issue. What might be right for one person might not be right for another. 

You have to assess your situation and ensure that you are safe physically and emotionally before revealing secret debt. If you are in an unsafe environment where your partner might become physically abusive, you have to prioritize your safety. Depending upon your situaton, you might have to work with a domestic violence agency to develop your exit strategy before addressing financial issues.

For most people the following steps can be helpful:

• Own Up Before the Wedding: Don't let your partner find out about your secret debt through a rejected loan application or a surprise collection letter.

Financial Infidelity in Relationships

• Gather Concrete Information: Print and have available for your partner your credit reports and a clear list of every single card, interest rate, minimum payment and other relevant information.

• Draft a Repayment Strategy: Present your partner with the truth along with an actionable plan as to how you plan to pay off your debt--whether this includes getting a second job, strict budgeting or whatever other positive steps you need to take.

• Choose a Calm Setting: Pick a quiet time when you and your partner will have privacy to talk without being interrupted. Don't bring it up during an argument or in an offhand way.

• Avoid Defensiveness: Take responsibility and don't blame your partner or others for hiding the debt.

• Acknowledge the Betrayal: Validate your partner's feelings including anger, shock, hurt, sadness or whatever feelings your partner might have. 

• Recognize That the Lie is Often More Damaging Than the Money Owed: Lies of omission where you don't reveal secret debt is still a lie. Assuming your partner wants to remain in the relationship, you will have to work to regain your partner's trust.

• Assume Responsibility For the Financial Burden: Make it clear that you consider this to be your financial responsibility to fix and it is not their responsibility.

What Kind of Professional Help Can Be Helpful?

• Financial Planner/Legal Advisor: Depending upon your situation, you might need a financial or legal professional to help you map out a financial strategy. A legal consultation can also help you to work on either a pre-nuptial or post-nuptial agreement to legally shield your partner from your liabilities.

• Couples Therapist: A licensed mental health professional can help you both to deal with the emotional fracture in your relationship after you revealed the secret debt. It's best not to avoid dealing with the psychological damage to the relationship because these  problems can harden into deep resentment and mistrust. A couples therapist's role would include:

• De-escalating and Creating Psychological Safety: The couples therapist would set communication boundaries to stop repetitive and toxic argument loops. They reinforce agreements against blame-based language, yelling or bringing up deception as a tool to weaponize for constant punishment.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

• Managing Emotional Flooding: A high betrayal trauma often leaves the partner who feels betrayed in a state of hypervigilance and, at times, panic. The couples therapist can teach emotional regulation skills and implement structured pauses when sessions become overwhelming or unproductive.

• Validating the Deception Trauma: The clinical focus honors the hurt partner's pain. The therapist ensures that the secretive partner knows that the primary damage is the lying and the concealment--not just the missing money.

• Halting the "Trickle Truth": A major obstacle to healing occurs when the secretive partner admits to hiding a certain amount of debt at first and then, later on, admits that there was even more debt. This continuous drip of information re-traumatizes the betrayed partner each time.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

• Investigating Each Partner's Relationships to Money: Using a therapeutic model like Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples (EFT) the therapist helps the couple to look beneath the immediate problem of the debt to examine family-of-origin patterns, childhood financial insecurity or feelings of lack of autonomy in the current relationship.

• Addressing Core Drivers of the Secretive and Deceptive Behavior: The therapist guides the secretive partner to look inward at their capacity for deception. The therapist explores whether the secretive behavior was driven by intense shame, a fear of conflict, severe avoidance or compulsive spending behavior.

• Addressing Other Relevant Issues: Once the air has been cleared, the couples therapist can help the couple to develop verified openness in their relationship. This often involves sharing login information, co-managed budget spreadsheets and notification triggers for banking applications. It also involves setting financial boundaries where the couple establishes a pre-agreed upon threshold that would require a conversation before money is spent. In addition, once trust has been regained, the clinician helps the couple so that they don't remain in a permanent parent-child dynamic where one partner acts like the disciplinarian and the other partner acts like the untrustworthy child. 

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), IFS Parts Work Therapist, Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

Over the years, I have helped many individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

Talk to Your Partner About Money 

What is the Connection Between Secrets and Shame? 

Toxic Family Secrets 

What is the Difference Between Privacy and Secrecy in a Relationship? 

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy: What Are Traumatic Memories?

People who seek help in trauma therapy often want to know how traumatic memories differ from standard memories.

What Are Traumatic Memories?

Let's start by defining traumatic memories.

Traumatic Memories

Traumatic memories are vivid, deeply distressing recollections of overwhelming or life threatening experiences.

Unlike regular autobiographical memories, the brain processes and stores traumatic memories as a separate cognitive entity as compared to standard past narratives.

How Are Traumatic Memories Different From Standard Memories?

Ordinary memories function like a cohesive story with a clear beginning, middle and end. However, when a traumatic event occurs, the brain's survival mechanisms alter how the information is stored in the brain:

• Lack of Narrative Structure: Traumatic memories are often highly fragmented, disorganized or temporarily missing from conscious recollection.

• Sensory-Heavy Integration: Traumatic memories are often intensely loaded with sensory data. You might remember a specific smell, a sharp sound, a visual fragment, but you might lose track of the timeline or context.

• The Current Experience: A standard unpleasant memory is recalled as a past experience. However, certain traumatic memories feel like they are happening now rather than being something that occurred in the past. When this occurs, you can feel like you're being emotionally hijacked in the moment--even though it's a memory from the past (see my article: What is Emotional Hijacking?).

How Do Traumatic Memories Manifest?

Because traumatic memories are often stored dynamically in the nervous system, they can surface in certain distinct ways:

• Intrusive Flashbacks: You might have intrusive flashbacks where you have a sudden, involuntary re-experiencing of the event triggered by everyday sights, sounds or smells that are similar to the original trauma.

Traumatic Memories

• Somatic/Bodily Memories: The body can retain physical tension, chronic pain, a racing heart or gastrointestinal distress when you are triggered. This can occur even if you are not consciously thinking about the trauma. 

• Emotional Flashbacks: You might experience a sudden emotional wave of intense fear, helplessness, anger, shame or despair that feels completely disproportionate to your current safe surroundings (see my article: What Are Emotional Flashbacks?).

• Nightmares: Repetitive, disturbing dreams can replay certain aspects of the traumatic event.

How Can You Heal From Traumatic Memories?

Traumatic memories are often "stuck" in a raw, "unmetabolized" state and traditional talk therapy usually isn't sufficient to process these memories.

Trauma therapies are specifically designed to help the brain move the fragments out of survival mode and integrate them into standard autobiographical memory. 

Common evidence-based trauma therapy include:

• EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing): EMDR uses bilateral stimulation to help with processing traumatic memories so these memories lose their charge (see my article: How Does EMDR Therapy Work?).

Traumatic Memories

• SE (Somatic Experiencing): SE focuses on releasing the traumatic energy trapped in the nervous system (see my article: What is Somatic Experiencing?).

Traumatic Memories

• IFS (Internal Family Systems Parts Work Therapy): Traumatic memories are healed by establishing a compassionate internal relationship between your Core Self and the wounded parts of your psyche. This gentle, non-pathologizing approach treats trauma as a system of protective and wounded internal parts of you (see my article: What is Internal Family Systems (IFS) Parts Work Therapy?).

Traumatic Memories

• AEDP (Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy): AEDP heals traumatic memories by processing overwhelming emotions within a safe therapeutic relationship to rewire the brain's trauma response (see my article: What is AEDP and How Does It Heal Trauma?).

Get Help in Trauma Therapy

If you are experiencing emotional trauma, waiting to get help in trauma therapy can cause the trauma to become more entrenched. This can lead to more severe psychological, physical and relational complications over time.

Get Help in Trauma Therapy

Rather than waiting or struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who is a trauma therapist so you can overcome your trauma and live a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), IFS, Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

As a trauma therapist, I have helped many individual adults and couples over the years.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

Reacting to Your Present Circumstances Based on Your Traumatic Past

What is Complex Trauma? 

What is the Difference Between Trauma and Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)? 

How Can Unresolved Trauma Affect Your Relationship? 

 

Ambivalence and Codependence in the Mother-Daughter Relationship

The topic of conflict and ambivalence in the mother-daughter relationship is the subject of this article. One article in a blog cannot do justice to this topic but, hopefully, it can serve as a starting point for many similar articles and it will be thought provoking (see my articles: Healing Mother-Daughter Relationships and Letting Go of Resentments in Mother-Daughter Relationships).

Ambivalence and Codependence in Mother-Daughter Relationships

The complexity of the mother-daughter relationship is derived, in part, from the fact that mothers and daughters share a biological and often certain psychological factors. 

As such, mothers often see themselves in their infant daughters, at times, projecting their own unfulfilled hopes and dreams on their infant daughters. 

In turn, daughters learn to identify with their mothers. A certain amount of maternal idealizing is a normal part of a daughter's development. 

However, when the identification or idealization interferes with a daughter's psychological development, this often interferes with the normal separation and individuation process that is necessary for the daughter to mature into her own person.

Clinical Vignette:

The following vignette which, as always, represents a composite of numerous cases illustrates how ambivalence and codependence between a mother and daughter as well as an over identification by the daughter for the mother kept the daughter stuck and unable to develop into her own person without feeling like she was betraying her mother.

Donna:
When Donna began therapy, she was in her early 30s. She was already quite successful in her career. As she saw it at the time, her presenting problem was that she had a long history of problems in her romantic relationships with men. 

Her relationships always began well. However, as soon as the relationship became serious, Donna became extremely ambivalent about it and found some way to sabotage it. When she began therapy, she was in a one-year relationship with a man that she loved very much and who also loved her. She saw the potential for a good marriage with this man, but she was very frightened to make that commitment with him, and she could not understand why.

Donna's family history included her parents' divorce when she was five years old. Prior to that, she remembered a lot of arguing between her parents, who were not well suited for each other. After the divorce, the father remarried within a couple of years. However, Donna's mother sank into a depression and she began to drink heavily.

As an only child, Donna remembered feeling responsible for her mother's happiness. Her mother poured out her sorrows to Donna, and Donna did her best to try to make her mother happy by listening to her, trying to entertain her with funny stories from school, being an "A" student, and trying never to bother her mother with her own concerns. 

As a result, at a young age, Donna and her mother switched roles, and Donna became a parentified child. She learned to anticipate her mother's needs before her mother even expressed them. She even cleaned up her mother's mess when her mother got drunk and threw up around the house. For this, Donna's mother rewarded her by telling her what a wonderful daughter she was, and this made Donna feel good.

Donna's relationship with her mother continued in this way until Donna became a teenager, and she began to express a need to spend more time with her friends. Donna's mother never actually stopped Donna from going out with her friends, but when Donna got home, she often found her mother in an irritable, sullen state.

She never told Donna directly that she was unhappy that Donna was beginning to achieve a certain amount of independence that is a normal part of adolescence but, indirectly, she complained about how lonely she felt when Donna was out and how hard her life was as a single mother. 

This made Donna feel very guilty for leaving her mother alone and for going out and having a good time with her friends. At those times, Donna worked extra hard to get back into her mother's good graces. After a while, Donna's mother was appeased and, once again, she rewarded Donna by telling her that she was the best daughter that a mother could have.

At times, Donna turned down her friends' invitations to go out because she didn't want to leave her mother alone and unhappy. She also feared that her mother would drink more when Donna was out, which was often the case. At least if she was there, Donna thought, she could monitor her mother's alcohol intake and help her mother to go to bed when she was too drunk.

After her parents' divorce, Donna had virtually no contact with her father. She feared that her mother would be upset if she maintained a relationship with her father, so she ignored his phone calls and, after a while, he stopped calling.

During that time, dating boys was out of the question in Donna's mind. Her mother was very bitter about her own divorce and she would often tell Donna how awful men were. Donna was interested in a couple of boys at school, who also expressed an interest in her, but Donna felt that it would be a betrayal to her mother if she began dating boys. So, rather than dating, she stayed home with her mother and catered to her needs.

When it came time for Donna to apply for college, one of Donna's teachers, who had an intuitive sense of what was going on in Donna's home, encouraged Donna to go away to college. A part of Donna longed to be away and attend a college with an active campus life. However, a stronger part of Donna didn't want to leave her mother alone. So, she opted to go to a local college, even though other colleges offered her better opportunities and a chance for a full scholarship.

By the time Donna was a sophomore in college, she began to feel depressed and lonely. She didn't know why she was feeling this way, so she went to the student counseling center. With the help of her college counselor, Donna began to see that she was missing out on many of the social activities that other students were enjoying and that she also wanted to attend.

So, gradually, Donna became more social and, soon afterwards, she started dating, much to her mother's chagrin. By that point, Donna realized that she needed to have a social life of her own, but she continued to feel guilty and that, in some way, she was betraying her mother by spending less time with her and more time with her friends.

By the time she graduated, Donna was offered an excellent job opportunity in NYC that she knew she could not afford to pass up. With much ambivalence and guilt about leaving her mother, she moved to NYC to begin her new career. However, she called her mother several times a day to "check in" on her and to listen to her mother's problems. She also visited her mother frequently on weekends.

When Donna entered into her first serious relationship, she was wary of telling her mother. She feared that since her mother had such a low opinion of men, her mother would disapprove of her being in a relationship. 

When Donna finally summoned the courage to tell her mother, her mother acted as if she had not even heard her. She never expressed any curiosity about this man or even asked Donna how the relationship was going. This made Donna feel very sad and guilty--as if she was doing something wrong by having a life of her own and being in a relationship, as if she wasn't entitled to her own happiness.

Shortly after that, Donna began finding faults with her boyfriend and they started arguing. Within a few months, they were broken up. When Donna told her mother about the breakup, her mother responded by telling her to come home and spend time with her. Her mother seemed to have no recognition that Donna was heart broken.

This same pattern continued in most of Donna's relationships. She felt pulled between the man that she loved and a "loyalty" that she felt for her mother. By the time that Donna came to see me, she was miserable. She was also aware that she was ruining an otherwise wonderful relationship with a man that she really loved. But she didn't know how to stop engaging in this behavior.

We began by doing inner child work to help Donna understand and appreciate the root of her problems. Over time, she learned to have more compassion for herself when she was a child and as an adult. She also started to see how her own inner emotional conflict caused her to feel that she had to choose between her boyfriend and her mother.

With a lot of work in therapy, Donna started feeling more entitled to have a happy life and not to sacrifice her life for her mother. She also learned to see that her codependent relationship with her mother was not helping her mother or her. 

So, gradually, over time, she changed her behavior towards her mother. Rather than calling her mother several times a day, she called her once a week. Rather than spending hours on the phone listening to her mother's problems and trying to "fix" them, Donna encouraged her mother to get help.

Donna's mother did not respond well to this new change in Donna. After a few weeks of this, Donna's mother refused to talk to Donna and told her that she would talk to her when Donna "came to her senses again." 

This was a serious emotional challenge for Donna, and part of her wanted to revert back to her old behavior to "rescue" her mother. But, deep down, Donna realized that she needed to stick to what she knew was best for her and her relationship with her boyfriend. 

She also realized now that her mother would never get help for her alcoholism as long as Donna provided her with an emotional crutch. So, even though it was very difficult for her, Donna refrained from reverting back to her former dysfunctional way of relating to her mother.

After several months, Donna's relationship with her boyfriend improved substantially. Even though she missed her mother, Donna realized that she felt happier than she had ever felt and she finally felt entitled to her happiness. She also reconciled her relationship with her father.

About a year later, she received a call from her mother. Her mother told Donna that she had just completed a 28-day rehab and she wanted to reconcile her relationship with Donna. And, for the first time, she told Donna that she wanted to meet her boyfriend. This was the beginning of Donna and her mother having a healthy relationship together without much of the guilt, codependence, and ambivalence from the past.

Healthy Mother-Daughter Relationships
Even though this article focuses on ambivalence and codependence in mother-daughter relationships, I want to also say that there are many mothers and daughters who have healthy relationships. 

Healthy Mother-Daughter Relationships

Even mother-daughter relationships that begin with the sort of enmeshment, codependence and ambivalence that were involved with Donna's relationship with her mother often improve when one or, preferably both, people get psychological help.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you are part of an emotionally unhealthy mother-daughter dynamic and you want to establish a healthier relationship, you could benefit from attending psychotherapy with a licensed mental health professional who has expertise in this area.

About Me

I am a licensed psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, and EMDR therapist in New York City.

I work with individuals and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my web site: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also, see Mother-Daughter Relationships Over the Course of a Life Time.