The Cycle of Perfectionism, Procrastination and Paralysis

In my prior article, Intergenerational Trauma: What is the Link Between Perfectionism and Unresolved Trauma?, I looked at perfectionism through the lens of trauma that is passed on from one generation to the next.

The Connection Between Perfectionism, Procrastination and Paralysis

In the current article, I'm discussing the cycle of perfectionism, procrastination and paralysis (also known as avoidance).

Cycle of Perfectionism, Procrastination and Paralysis

Perfectionism, procrastination and paralysis form a cycle where an obsession with perfection is the driver leading to avoidance (procrastination) and ultimately resulting in inaction (paralysis).

This self-sabotaging loop occurs because impossible standards create anxiety which makes starting or finishing tasks feel overwhelming and risky (see my article: Overcoming Self-Sabotaging Behavior).

Understanding the Cycle of Fear

• Perfectionism (The Driver): Striving for impossible results, setting impossibly high standards and using all-or-nothing thinking.

• Procrastination (The Behavior): Delaying work or some other action because of a fear that the outcome won't meet the impossibly high standards. This inaction or avoidance can be disguised as "waiting for the right time".

• Paralysis (The Result): Becoming stuck and unable to start or finish a task, project or other commitment due to the pressure of wanting it to be "perfect".

How to Break the Cycle

• Be Aware: "Done is Better Than Perfect": Focus on starting and completing tasks rather than making them "perfect".

• Break Down Tasks: Divide tasks into more manageable and less intimidating parts.

• Set Time Limits: Limit the time you spend "polishing" and trying to make something "perfect".

• Practice Self Compassion: Work towards calming down your inner critic and accept that mistakes are inevitable and part of the learning process (see my article: Making Friends With Your Inner Critic).

• Work on Underlying Issues: The cycle of perfectionism, procrastination and paralysis often develops at an early age related to unresolved psychological trauma. Working through these underlying issues with a licensed mental health professional can help you to get to the underlying issues and resolution to the problem.

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many different cases, illustrates the cycle discussed above and how psychotherapy can help.

Jean

Ever since she was a child, Jean approached all tasks and projects with a lot of anxiety. Her parents made her do her homework over and over again until they assessed it was "perfect" (excellent penmanship, no erasures, etc).

When she got to college, Jean had problems getting her papers in on time because her need to make everything "perfect" would cause her to either rewrite her papers many times before she could turn them in or her fear of the papers being less than "perfect" caused her to procrastinate and get the papers in late. There were times when she felt so anxious that she wasn't able to even start the papers.

Cycle of Perfectionism, Procrastination and Paralysis

One of Jean's professors, who recognized that Jean was intelligent and hard working, suggested that Jean get help in therapy to overcome these problems.

Working in trauma therapy, Jean gained insight into the origin of her problem and used the tools and strategies her therapist provided to get her papers in on time.

As part of her therapy, her therapist, who used Internal Family Systems Parts Work Therapy (IFS), helped Jean to work through these issues by getting her inner critic to soften and step aside so she could complete her tasks. Jean also learned to strengthen her Core Self so she was no longer influenced by the parts of herself that strove for "perfection".

Get Help in Therapy

If self help techniques haven't helped you to overcome perfectionism, seek help from a qualified mental health professional.

Get Help in Therapy

Overcoming the root cause of your problem can help you to work through these issues so you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

As a Trauma Therapist, I have helped individual adults and couples over the years.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Intergenerational Trauma: What is the Link Between Perfectionism and Unresolved Trauma?

In my prior article, How a Parent's Unresolved Trauma Can Affect Their Child, I started a discussion about the potential impact for children of parents with unsolved trauma (see my article: What is Intergenerational Trauma?).

The Link Between Perfectionism and Unresolved Trauma

I'm continuing this discussion in the current article by focusing on one aspect this issue,  which is perfectionism (see my article: Overcoming Perfectionism).

Estimates vary as to what percentage of children of traumatized parents develop perfectionism, but the current estimate as of the date of this article is 25-30%.

What is the Link Between Perfectionism and Intergenerational Trauma?

Trauma-related perfectionism is passed down through biological and environmental pathways:

• Parental Modeling: Children often internalize the harsh, self critical inner voices of parents who use perfectionism to cope with unresolved trauma.

• Epigenetic Predisposition: Chronic stress and trauma in parents can influence gene expressions related to anxiety and chronic stress, potentially exposing children to perfectionistic tendencies.  

• Parentified Roles: Children who are forced to take on adult responsibilities or care for a parent's emotional needs may use perfectionism to fulfill these overwhelming obligations (see my article: What is Parentification and Why Is It Traumatic?).

Signs of Trauma-Based Perfectionism

Unlike healthy striving for excellence, trauma-based perfectionism is driven by fear and shame. 

This includes:

• All-or-Nothing Thinking: Viewing any minor mistake as a total failure or proof of inherent unworthiness (see my article: Overcoming All-or-Nothing Thinking).

The Procrastination Paradox

• Procrastination Paradox: Avoiding tasks entirely because the fear of doing them imperfectly is paralyzing

• Chronic Self Criticism: A persistent internal dialog that equates mistakes with being "bad" or at risk for abandonment

Support the Healing Process

If your child is experiencing perfectionistic tendencies related to intergenerational trauma, healing begins with you:

• Create a Nonjudgmental Space: Create an environment in your home where mistakes are welcomed and met with curiosity instead of judgment.

Create a Nonjudgmental Environment

• Practice Compassion: Help your child to distinguish their worth from their achievements.

• Get Support For Yourself in Trauma Therapy: Healing begins with you. If you have unresolved trauma, get help in trauma therapy so you can become a parental model of mental health. Trauma therapy modalities include:

• Parts Work Therapy (IFS and Ego States Therapy)
  

• Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy (AEDP)
  

• Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR)

• Somatic Experiencing (SE)
  

• Get Help For Your Child: Seek help from a licensed mental health professional who does trauma-informed therapy for children. Therapist directories like Psychology Today can provide you with referrals to psychotherapists who work with children in your area.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

As a trauma therapist, I have helped many individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

How Trauma Therapy Can Help You to Overcome Unresolved Trauma

The Potential Long Lasting Impact of Trauma 

How a Parent's Unresolved Trauma Can Affect a Child 

You Are Not Defined By What Happened to You 

 

Coping With Trauma: How a Parent's Unresolved Trauma Can Affect Their Child

A parent's unresolved trauma can have a significant impact on their child's development through biological, psychological and behavioral pathways.

A Parent's Unresolved Trauma Can Affect Their Child

This phenomenon is, which is called intergenerational trauma, occurs when a parent's past unresolved trauma shapes their current mental health and their parenting style--even if the child was never directly exposed to the traumatic events (see my article: What is Intergenerational Trauma?).

Disruptions in Parenting and Attachment

Unresolved trauma often impairs a parent's ability to provide a stable, nurturing environment which is essential for healthy development:

• Emotional Unavailability: A parent might suppress their own emotional pain through defense mechanisms like emotional detachment which makes it difficult for them to be attuned to the child's needs.

• Insecure Attachment: A traumatized parent is more likely to establish insecure attachment (anxious, avoidant or disorganized attachment style) with their children. This often leads to difficulties with children being able to trust others and regulate their emotions.

• Maladaptive Parenting Styles: A parent might lean to maladaptive parenting styles including authoritarian (harsh discipline), permissive (inconsistent boundaries), or negligent parenting.

• Intense Triggers: Everyday parent-child interactions, such as a child's tantrum or defiance, can trigger strong, irrational emotional responses in a parent which is rooted in their own past experiences rather than the present moment.

Psychological and Behavioral Outcomes For the Child

Children of parents with unresolved trauma are at a higher risk for various mental health and behavioral challenges:

• Internalizing Problems: These children are at a higher risk for anxiety, depression and low self esteem.

Adverse Impact of Parent's Trauma on Child

• Externalizing Behaviors: There is a higher likelihood of aggression, defiance and hyperactivity which are sometimes misinterpreted as "misbehavior" rather than a response to a trauma.

• Hypervigilance: Children might become overly sensitive to a parent's moods, constantly "watching" to anticipate potential threats (see my article: What is Hypervigilance?).

• Role Reversal: A child might feel responsible to "fix" their parent's mood or take care of their parent's emotional needs, a dynamic known as parentification (see my article: Role Reversal in Parent-Child Relationships).

• A Need to Be "Perfect": For a child of a traumatized parent, perfectionism often develops as a survival strategy rather than a personality trait. It serves as a "psychological shield" to manage an environment that feels unsafe, unpredictable or emotionally demanding.

Biological and Neurobiological Impacts

According to research by the National Institutes of Health, parental trauma can lead to measurable changes in a child's biology, sometimes before birth:

• Brain Development: Maternal childhood trauma has been linked to smaller brain volume and weaker connectivity in neural circuits responsible for emotion regulation (such as between the amygdala and prefrontal cortex).

Impact of Intergenerational Trauma on Child's Brain

• Stress Response Systems: Trauma can alter a child's stress response system which leads to abnormal levels of cortisol, which is the body's primary stress hormone.

• Epigenetics: According to the National Institutes of Health, trauma can be transmitted from parent to child through epigenetic mechanisms where the stress of a parent's experience alters gene expression in their offspring, potentially making the child more vulnerable to stress and mental health conditions later in life.

Long Term Health Conditions

The impact of growing up with a traumatized parent can extend into adulthood increasing the risk of:

• Chronic Diseases: Higher rates of heart disease, diabetes and autoimmune disorders

Impact of Intergenerational Trauma on Long Term Health Conditions

• Somatic Problems: Frequent unexplained physical symptoms such as headaches and stomachaches

• Risky Behavior: A greater likelihood of engaging in risky behavior including substance abuse or other self destructive behaviors and maladaptive coping strategies

Breaking Intergenerational Cycles of Trauma With Help in Trauma Therapy

Parents who have unresolved trauma can break the cycles of intergenerational trauma by getting help in trauma therapy. 

Get Help in Trauma Therapy

Trauma therapy can help adults to work through their trauma to heal their emotional wounds and develop more responsive parenting techniques (see my article: How Trauma Can Help You to Overcome Trauma).

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing, Parts Work Therapist (IFS and Ego States Therapy) and Certified Sex Therapist.

As a trauma therapist, I have helped many individual adults and couples over the years.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How IFS Parts Work Therapy Can Help You to Recognize When a Younger Traumatized Part of Yourself Has Taken Over

I've written prior articles about IFS (Internal Family Systems) Parts Work as a trauma therapy (see a links for these articles at this end of this article).

This article provides a basic understanding of what happens when a younger part of you, also known as an exile in IFS, takes over when you get triggered.

Recognizing When a Younger Part of Yourself Has Taken Over

There is a lot more to IFS than exiles, including protector parts ("Manager" Parts and "Firefighter Parts") which you can read about in a book I recommend at the end of the article.

The focus for this article is how to recognize when you're immersed in a traumatized younger part of yourself which has taken over your current emotional experience and how to understand that this part is usually rooted in earlier traumatic experiences (see my article: Working Through Emotional Trauma: Separating "Then" From "Now").

What Are Younger Parts of Yourself?

In Parts Work Therapy, like IFS, there is a recognition that we all have many different parts that make up our inner world, including younger parts. 

You can think of parts as being metaphors for your intrapsychic experiences. Thinking of them as parts, as opposed to intrapsychic experiences, helps to simplify the concept of internal parts.

Recognizing When a Younger Part of Yourself Has Taken Over

Another way of thinking about a younger part is using the term "inner child" which has been popularized and made accessible in the work of John Bradshaw who wrote Homecoming: Reclaiming and Healing Your Inner Child.

Parts Work Therapy, including Internal Family Systems (IFS) Therapy and Ego States Therapy, also recognizes that traumatized individuals carry younger, vulnerable parts of their psyche and these parts carry heavy unprocessed traumatic emotional burdens including shame, fear and feelings of being unworthy.

In IFS these parts are called "exiles".

What Are the Characteristics and Examples of Exiles?

Some of the common characteristics include:

• Vulnerability: They represent younger, childlike selves needing care.

• Frozen in Time: These parts relive past traumatic experiences in the present including experiences of childhood emotional neglect and abuse. Not only are these parts frozen in time, they also have the same childhood capabilities you had at the time of the trauma. This is why when these younger parts/exiles erupt, you can't think logically and handle the current situation like an adult. In other words, you don't have access to the logical part of your brain at that moment.

Trauma Response: Frozen in Time

• Burdened Beliefs: These parts carry the burden of the original trauma and they often hold beliefs like "I'm unlovable" or "I'm broken".

• Examples of Exiles: The rejected child, the abused child, the neglected child, the frightened toddler, the unloved teenager or the humiliated younger self are some of the many examples of exiled younger parts.

How Do Exiles Function?

The feelings associated with exiles are usually too painful to feel on a conscious level so they remain unconscious until they are triggered.

This doesn't mean that exiles are "bad" or that any part of your inner world is bad. Rather than thinking of them as something to get rid of, which you can't do anyway, think about these parts as stuck or frozen in time and, through IFS Parts Work Therapy, they can be "updated" to be a healthier part of you.

When these feelings get triggered, they can suddenly erupt without warning (see my article: Parts Work Therapy: Is an Unconscious Part of Yourself Running Your Life?).

How Do You Know When a Younger Part (Exile) Has Taken Over?

The following are signs that an exile might have been triggered and taken over:

• Intense Emotional Flooding: A sudden and rapid onset of fear, sadness, hopelessness, helplessness or terror

• Reactions That Are Disproportionate to the Situation: A relatively minor event can trigger an extreme response which can relate to feelings of rejection or abandonment (see my article: Responding Instead of Reacting).

Triggered and Overreacting 

• Feeling "Young": You might feel small, young--like you're a child again--even though you're an adult.

• Somatic Sensations: Sensations might include a heaviness or tightness in your chest, intense cold, feeling unsafe and so on.

• Negative Core Beliefs: Sudden feelings of "I'm unlovable" or "I'm broken" or "I'm unsafe"

• A Sudden Need to Escape: You might feel a sudden need to escape in the moment and, afterwards, you might engage in compulsive behaviors to numb yourself again including:

• Compulsive cleaning or organizing
• Compulsive working 
• Compulsive shopping and/or overspending
• Drinking excessively
• Using drugs to numb out
• Out of Control Sexual Behavior
  
• Compulsive gambling including grief gambling
• Scrolling on your phone aimlessly for lengthy periods of time
• Other forms of compulsive and impulsive behavior used to numb and distract yourself

When you're immersed in an exiled part, the feelings are usually raw and painful. 

Since you're "blended" with this part, you no longer have the ability to witness your feelings in an objective and logical way. Instead of saying, "A part of me feels devastated", you experience the devastation as a overall feeling, like "I am devastated."

There is no separation between your Core Self (also known as Adult Self or Higher Self) and the exiled part because your Core Self is wrapped up in the exiled part, so you can't take space from the experience to be objective.

What to Do When Your Core Self is Blended With an Exile Part

This requires practice. Instead of lashing out at your loved ones, pause so you can observe what you're feeling instead of completely identifying with the feeling.

To unblend from this younger part/exile:

• Name the Feeling: Acknowledge the sensation: "I'm feeling frightened right now" or "I'm feeling unlovable right now" or "I'm feeling abandoned right now". This will help you to observe what is happening to you instead of being immersed in the experience (see my article: Overcoming Fear of Abandonment).

• Ask the Part For Space: If possible, have an internal dialog with the exile/traumatized part and ask this younger part for space so you can be in the present moment and not stuck in feelings related to your traumatic past.

• Be Curious and Compassionate: Instead of being judgmental and self-blaming, get curious and feel compassionate towards this part of yourself.

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette is a composite of many cases and illustrates the dynamics described in this article:

Dana

Dana had a significant history of childhood trauma including emotional neglect and physical abuse.  There was no one available to help Dana as a child during her traumatic experiences.

After she graduated college, Dana moved far away from her family. She believed that if she moved away from Southern California, where her family lived, to New York City, her family would no longer affect her.

She developed a career as an executive coach which she really enjoyed. Her clients praised her work and she finally felt free of her family's influence.

When she got into an exclusive relationship with Tom, she felt like everything in her life was falling into place. Several months after they met, they moved in together in Manhattan.

Tom had a career as a management consultant that involved a lot of travel, which Dana knew about from the start of their relationship. However, his frequent travel brought up feelings of loneliness, abandonment, fear and panic.

If he didn't call or text her several times a day, Dana would have doubts about Tom and their relationship. Even though she knew he was in all day meetings, she still believed he could have found times during the day to call her instead of waiting until the evening.

Stuck in a Child Part

During those evening calls, Dana needed constant reassurance that Tom still loved her and he wasn't abandoning her. When Tom asked Dana where her fears were coming from, she was so immersed in her younger traumatized part that she couldn't think clearly. 

There were times in the middle of the night that Dana would feel on the verge of a panic attack and she called Tom and woke him up. Groggy with sleep, Tom couldn't understand why Dana was feeling so panicky and neither could she.

Afterward, they would talk about it and Dana would feel calmer for the moment--until the next time she got triggered with feelings of rejection and fear of abandonment.  Then, the cycle would begin again where Dana would demand reassurance from Tom, but nothing he said reassured her for long.

After several similar incidents, Tom spoke to Dana about getting help in therapy. He was kind and compassionate, but he knew that there was nothing he could do to help Dana overcome these problems. She needed professional help.

When Dana began therapy with an IFS therapist, she became aware that her triggers were related to unresolved trauma. 

Her therapist helped Dana to develop better coping skills including: Skills to develop a stronger observing self who could pause, witness herself when she was triggered, name the feeling and have a dialog with that inner part of herself to ask it to give her space so she could get curious about what was happening to her and approach this part with curiosity and compassion.

As Dana learned to remain grounded and not get derailed by her younger self, she had fewer incidents where she panicked when Tom was away. 

The work wasn't easy or quick. She still had times when she would regress into that younger part, but she would also recover faster than she had in the past (see my article: Progress in Therapy Isn't Linear).

Once Dana was stabilized, her IFS therapist was able to begin work with Dana on her traumatic history. 

The work was experiential--feeling the parts that came up--rather than just talking about it as she would have done in traditional talk therapy (see my article: Why is Experiential Therapy, Like IFS, More Effective Than Traditional Talk Therapy to Overcome Trauma?).

Over time, Dana was able to work through her unresolved childhood trauma so it was no longer affecting her or her relationship.

Her childlike part still came up at times, but once it was no longer carrying the burden of the childhood trauma, she experienced this part as being happy and playful rather than triggering unresolved trauma.

Conclusion

One blog article can't explain all the nuances of IFS. So, I suggest you read No Bad Parts: Healing Trauma and Restoring Wholeness With Internal Family Systems by Richard C. Schwartz.

Get Help in Parts Work Therapy

There are many different types of Experiential Therapy for trauma, aside from IFS Parts Work, including EMDR Therapy, Somatic Experiencing, AEDP and other trauma-related therapies.

Get Help in IFS Parts Work Therapy

Parts Work is unique in that you can do deep intrapsychic work without spending the amount of time you might in psychoanalysis.

A skilled IFS therapist can help you to work through unresolved trauma so you can have a more meaningful life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

As a trauma therapist, I have helped many individual adults and couples over the years.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles

How Does Parts Work Therapy, Like IFS and Ego States Therapy, Help You to Understand Yourself? 

Discovering Your Core Self in IFS Therapy

How IFS Therapy Can Help You With Anxiety 

How Are Emotions Processed in IFS Therapy? 

Relationships: How to Cope With Being Triggered in Your Relationship

Understanding how you and your partner trigger each other involves recognizing that triggers are disproportionately intense emotional reactions that are sparked by current events which have their roots in earlier unresolved trauma.

Partners Triggering Each Other

These reactions are automatic and rooted in the nervous system's fight-or-flight response.

Why Do People Get Triggered?

Triggers typically stem from several deep-seated psychological areas:

• Insecure Attachment History: Early childhood insecure attachment styles, like anxious, avoidant and disorganized attachment, become the models for adult relationships. For instance, a person with an anxious attachment might get triggered by a partner who needs space and an avoidant partner might feel triggered by a partner's request for closeness (see my article: How Your Attachment Style Affects Your Relationship).

Unresolved Trauma and Early Wounds

• Past Unresolved Trauma and Early Wounds: Events between partners that mirror childhood abuse, neglect or abandonment can cause panic where the brain reacts as if the past threat is happening now (see my articles: Reacting to the Present Based on the Past and Unresolved Trauma: Separating "Then" From "Now").

Critical Inner Voice

• Critical Inner Voice: A partner who has a history of unresolved trauma can misinterpret their partner's neutral actions. For example, if a partner says he's too tired to go out to dinner, the other partner's critical inner voice might hear "He doesn't care about me anymore" or "He thinks I'm too boring to be with" or "He thinks I'm unattractive" (see my article: Making Friends With Your Internal Critic).

• Unmet Needs: Triggers often occur when deep vulnerabilities aren't met by a partner (or they are perceived as not being met) like the need to feel seen, safe and respected which is rooted in unresolved trauma (see my article: 4 Ways Unresolved Early Trauma Can Have a Negative Impact on Your Relationship).

What is the Cycle of Mutual Triggering?

Mutual triggering occurs when one partner's reactive behavior becomes a trigger for the other partner. This can create an ongoing cycle of triggers.

• The Pattern: Partner A feels triggered and reacts (e.g., attacking or withdrawing). This reaction, in turn, triggers Partner B's insecurities which causes Partner B to react and so on.

• The Result: At the point when both partners are triggered, what often happens is that their wounded "inner children" engage in conflict which can lead to repeated arguments where nothing is resolved.

What Are Common Triggers in Relationships?

Common triggers in everyday interactions include:

• Criticism: Actual or perceived criticism, disapproval or a dismissive tone
• Rejection/Abandonment: Your partner canceling plans, running late or seeming emotionally distant
• Neglect: Feeling ignored or like your needs aren't important

How Can Partners Manage Triggers Together?

• Self Awareness: Use a journal to identify "raw spots" in your history that cause intense emotions so you can anticipate your triggers

Developing Self Awareness Through Journal Writing

• Naming the Trigger: Communicating clearly to your partner, "I feel triggered because..." can help to shift the focus from blaming your partner to addressing your internal pain. If you can't communicate what is going on with you in the moment, let your partner know that you feel upset and you need a moment to figure out how you're getting triggered. Once you have figured it out, communicate this to your partner.

Name the Trigger

• A Shared Pause Plan: Agree on a word or signal to pause a conversation when one or both of you feel overwhelmed. Make this agreement at a point when both of you are calm and then use it when upset.

Practice Reflective Listening

• Reflective Listening: When your partner shares their feelings, instead of rushing to say how you feel, listen and then paraphrase what you heard. Ask your partner if you have paraphrased their feelings accurately and, if not, ask them to say it again and try paraphrasing again. Then, switch roles. This can help each partner to feel heard and validated (see my article: How to Respond in a Supportive Way to Your Partner's Vulnerability).

Get Help in Couples Therapy

If you and your partner have tried to use these tools and strategies and you're still having problems, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who is a couples therapist.

Get Help in Couples Therapy

Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples, also known as EFT, can help you and your partner learn to identify and prevent your particular negative cycle so that you don't keep triggering each other.

Working in couples therapy can help you to have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have helped many individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Article:

The Potential Long Lasting Impact of Trauma 

Relationships: Are You Confusing Drama For Love?

I began a discussion about this topic in my prior article,  How to Stop the Drama in Your Relationship.

Confusing Drama For Love

In the current article, I'm focusing on the topic of confusing drama with love.

What is Drama in a Relationship?

Here are some of the concepts from my prior article:

Drama in a relationship refers to unnecessary conflict, emotional manipulation or the creation of problems (where they don't really exist) to get attention or control the relationship including:

• Attention Seeking: Some individuals in a relationship create drama in an effort to feel validated by their partner--often at the partner's emotional expense.

• Poor Communication Skills: When one or both people lack good communication skills, they can struggle to express their emotional needs or resolve conflict in a healthy way.

Confusing Drama For Love

• Unrealistic Expectations: When partners don't have realistic expectations of each other, this can lead to drama, especially if they don't know how to communicate well (see my article: Are You and Your Partner on the Same Wavelength About Your Relationship?).

• Projecting Emotional Pain: Partners can project their own emotional pain onto each other which usually leads to conflict.

• Past Unresolved Psychological Trauma: Partners can unconsciously project their unresolved trauma from the past onto their current relationship (see my article: How Unresolved Trauma Can Affect Your Relationship).

How to Distinguish Love From Drama in a Relationship

The following suggestions can help you to distinguish love from drama:

• A Loving Relationship Tends to Be Stable: All relationships have their ups and downs, but a mature loving relationship tends to be stable and consistent with mutual respect and not with constant drama and conflict.

Confusing Drama For Love

• A Healthy Relationship Tends to Be Secure: You experience a sense of security in a loving relationship--not anxiety or fear.

• A Loving Relationship is Reciprocal: A secure relationship has mutual care, respect and support. It does not involve one-sided drama, attention seeking and constant upheaval. It's also not transactional (see my article: What Are Transactional Relationships?).

• Self Love is Essential: In healthy relationships each person experiences self love which is different from codependency or the need for constant validation.

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette illustrates how someone can confuse drama for love:

Jane

When Jane met Tom, she felt instantly drawn to him.  She liked that he was quirky and he introduced her to his taste in art, music and culture which was so different from what her own experience.

Although their relationship was fun at the beginning, over time, Jane began to wonder about the relationship as she noticed certain of Tom's unstable behavior patterns.

He would text her constantly for days and then he would be unreachable for a week or more. In addition, he might show up at her apartment at 2 AM because he would say that he missed her so much and couldn't wait to see her, but then he would ignore her for days at a time.

When they began arguing about his behavior, Tom would tell her that they had a loving, passionate relationship which was why they had so many arguments, but Jane felt increasingly unhappy with their dynamic so she sought help in therapy.

Confusing Drama For Love

Jane told her therapist that she wondered if Tom was right: Did they have so many arguments because they had a passionate loving relationship or was there a problem?  She felt confused because this was her first committed relationship.

As Jane talked about her relationship with Tom in her therapy, she began to realize that she didn't like feeling so insecure in their relationship. She also realized their relationship tended to be on Tom's terms and when he didn't get his way, he would sulk and withdraw emotionally.

After a while, Jane came to the conclusion in her therapy that she didn't like being in such an  unstable relationship. She enjoyed their fun times together, but their fun times didn't make up for the instability and the one-sided nature of the relationship.  

She also became aware that she had confused the drama for love, but she realized that love and drama are two different things.

Confusing Drama For Love

Soon after that, Jane ended her relationship with Tom and she began seeing Bill. A few months into her relationship with Bill, she realized her new relationship was much more secure, reciprocal and stable. Although it might have lacked some of the excitement she felt with Tom, Jane knew her relationship with Bill was a relationship that could grow and flourish.

Conclusion

During the early stage of a relationship drama and chaos might seem fun and exciting, but it shouldn't be confused with love.

When a relationship is based on drama, it's difficult, if not impossible, to build the necessary a foundation for the relationship to grow.

When you can make the distinction between love and drama, you can decide if you want to remain in a relationship that's based on drama or you want a more solid, stable relationship.

Get Help in Therapy

Relationships based on drama can be challenging to get out of--even when you realize that it's the drama that's keeping you together and not love.

Get Help in Therapy

A skilled mental health professional can help you to discover why you might be hooked into an unstable and unhealthy relationship.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who has the expertise you need so you can lead a more meaningful life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I have over 20 years of experience helping individual adults and couples with a variety of issues.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.