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Monday, May 19, 2025

How Does Shame Develop at an Early Age?

Shame often begins during early childhood due to parenting styles and early experiences (see my article: Shame is at the Root of Most Emotional Problems).


How Does Shame Develop at an Early Age?
There are a number of factors that influence the development of shame at an early age including:
  • Lack of parental warmth
  • Harsh criticism
Harsh Criticism and Shame
  • Witnessing domestic violence
  • Emotionally unstable parent(s)
  • Unpredictable or unstable parenting
  • Parents who abuse substances or engage in other impulsive or compulsive behavior
How Does Childhood Shame Show Up in Adulthood?
Children who grow up being shamed will grow up to be adults who experience shame, which can affect all their adult interactions, including romantic relationships, familial relationships and relationships with work colleagues.

Shame during childhood often leads to repeating unhealthy patterns in adulthood (see my article: Why Are Childhood Trauma and Shame Affecting You Now?).

Here are some of the ways that childhood shame show up in adulthood:

Self Sabotaging Behavior
  • Aiming too low
  • Settling for less
Shame and Self Abandonment
  • Pushing away or distancing yourself from a romantic partner because you believe you're not good enough
  • Perfectionism including striving for unrealistic and unattainable goals which adds to your feelings of inadequacy
  • Decreased self care including neglecting your own needs which can have a negative impact on your mental and physical health
Sabotaging Relationships:
  • Shaming, controlling or domineering behavior to manipulate your partner and take the focus away from your own insecurities
Shaming, Controlling and Domineering Behavior
  • Creating negative narratives including interpreting your partner's actions as a form of  rejection or disapproval--even when these actions are not
  • Withholding feelings including avoiding vulnerability and conflict by withholding by emotions
Impact on Emotional Connection and Intimacy
Shame in Relationships
  • Difficulty with vulnerability including fear of rejection or criticism which can make it difficult to open up to be emotionally vulnerable
Getting Help in Therapy
Shame is a complex emotion which can be very challenging to overcome on your own (see my article: Overcoming Shame in Therapy).

Getting Help in Therapy to Overcome Shame

If you can relate to the signs mentioned in this article, you owe it to yourself to get help in trauma therapy.

A skilled trauma therapist can help you to overcome the debilitating effect of shame so you can lead a more fulfilling life.

Also See My Other Articles About Shame:




About Me
I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I have over 20 years of experience helping individual adults and couples (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, lCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at 917-742-2624 during business hours or email me.

















































 

Thursday, May 15, 2025

Why Heterosexual Men Shouldn't Rely Only on Their Wife or Girlfriend to Develop Close Friends

I've been focusing on the topic of friendships in my recent articles:


In the current article I'm focusing on why heterosexual men shouldn't rely only on their wife or girlfriend to develop close friends.

Close Male Friendships

What Are the Contributing Factors to This Problem?
I think some of the issues I discussed in a prior article, Why Are Many Men Reluctant to Get Help in Therapy When They Need It?, are related to the male friendship problem:
  • Fear
  • Embarrassment
  • A belief in the need to conform to traditional gender roles including what it means to "be a man" 
  • A reluctance to admit the need for emotional connection with other men
Why Shouldn't Heterosexual Men Rely Only on Their Partner's Friend Group?
There are many reasons why you shouldn't rely only on your partner or your partner's friend group.

If you rely only on your partner to be the source of your friendships, you're putting a strain on your partner and your relationship because you're expecting her to do the "heavy lifting" when it comes to going out and making friends for both of you. 

In many heterosexual relationships this responsibility is in addition to expecting your partner to be in charge of the relationship social calendar, including setting up times to be with friends, making restaurant reservations, making vacation plans, remembering loved ones' birthdays, buying gifts for loved ones, setting up holiday plans, setting up and remembering children's play dates and so on.

This is detrimental to you, your partner, your relationship, and your ability to have a satisfying social life together (see my article: Relationships: Sharing the Mental Load).

What Are the Benefits of Heterosexual Men Having Their Own Close Friends?
If you have a diverse network of friends, including your own network of close male friends,  you can experience the following potential benefits:
  • Emotional Well-Being and Support: Having your own male friends can provide you with emotional support. Male friendships can be a valuable resource when you are experiencing personal struggles, including problems in your relationship, which you can't discuss with your partner's friends. Also, if you and your partner break up, you won't lose your entire emotional support network if you have your own friends. In addition, male loneliness and isolation are important contributing factors to male suicides in the United States. Men represent 79% of all suicides in the U.S., which is four times higher than women. So, having close friends can help you to avoid feeling lonely, isolated and depressed (see my article: What is the Difference Between Feeling Sad and Feeling Depressed?).
Emotional Well-Being and Support
  • Shared Interests: Male friendships can provide an opportunity for you to share interests and hobbies your partner might not necessarily enjoy.
Shared Interests Among Male Friends
  • A Broader Network of Friends: Relying only on your partner or your partner's friends limits your friendship network. It might also be difficult to have close one-on-one friendships with your partner's friends because they are primarily her friends.
A Broader Network of Friends
  • Avoid Misunderstandings and Boundary Crossings: Also, trying to develop close one-on-one friendships with your partner's friends can lead to triangulation, misunderstandings and emotional affairs.
Overcoming Your Reluctance to Develop Your Own Close Male Friendships
Developing close friendships involves being emotionally vulnerable because you're putting yourself out there when you might be rejected. 

Overcoming Fear of Vulnerability

A rejection doesn't necessarily mean another man doesn't like you enough to be your friend. Instead, he might have limited time due to personal and work responsibilities or he might be someone who doesn't see the need to have his own close male friends.

There are some similarities between developing a deeper romantic relationship and developing close friendships.

For instance, when you're trying to develop a deeper romantic relationship, you need to be willing to be emotionally vulnerable (see my article: Emotional Vulnerability as a Pathway to Emotional Intimacy in a Relationship).

It's the same idea when you're trying to develop close male friendships. You can't develop close friendships without allowing yourself to be emotionally vulnerable, which is hard for many heterosexual men.

Without emotional vulnerability, friendships remain superficial so that your conversations will probably be shallow and limited to impersonal topics: "Hey, how about those Yankees!"

Friendships won't deepen to the level where you can be emotionally supportive of one another
without you taking a risk to be emotionally vulnerable.

Although vulnerability might be an emotional risk, it's essential to having lifelong meaningful friendships.

About Me
I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I have over 20 years of experience helping individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at 917-742-2624 during business hours or email me.







Monday, May 12, 2025

Why Do Men Tend to Have Fewer Close Friends Than Women?

I discussed the importance of friendship, sense of community and belonging in two prior articles. 

The Importance of Close Friendships

In my article,  Why Close Friendships Are Important, I discussed the health and mental health benefits of close friendships including:
  • Reduced loneliness and social isolation
  • A source of emotional support
  • Increased self esteem
  • A sense of belonging and community
  • Increased happiness and satisfaction with life
  • A sense of purpose
  • Improved cardiovascular health
  • Enhanced immune functions
  • Potential increase in life expectancy
Why Do Men Tend to Have Fewer Close Friends Than Women?
When looking at why heterosexual men tend to have fewer close friends than women, I realize this isn't the case for all men. 

Men Tend to Have Fewer Close Friends Than Women

There are many men who prioritize friendships and make an effort to develop and maintain their male friendships.

However, research indicates that many men have fewer friendships than women for a variety of reasons:
  • Traditional Masculinity: Men are taught to suppress emotional vulnerability and expression, especially among other men. This makes it difficult to develop and maintain close friendships.
  • The Stigma of Male Bonding Among Heterosexual Men: There is still a stigma for heterosexual men to show affection and emotional vulnerability with other heterosexual men. This can get in the way of having male friendships with deeper connections.
  • A Focus on Career: Many men prioritize building their career over making and keeping friends.
Many Men Prioritize Work Over Friendships
  • Limited Time: Work demands limit the time for friendships. Also, if men are in a relationship, they often want to spend whatever limited time they have with their partner and children.
  • Moving Around the Country and the World: Whether it's for college, graduate school or work, men (and women) are more mobile than ever before, so this makes it difficult to make and keep close friends.
Increased Work Travel Makes It Difficult to Make and Keep Friends
  • Fewer In-Person Opportunities to Make Friends: There are fewer in person opportunities now to make friends. This can increase loneliness and social isolation.
  • A Different Definition of Friendship: Compared to women, men tend to have a looser definition of a friend and expect less from the people they call friends.
  • Casual Connections: Whereas women tend to seek deeper connections from their close friends, men tend to have more casual connections when it comes to people they identify as their friends. Casual connections are also important, but deeper connections are more important in terms of the benefits of close friendships.
Why Your Romantic Partner Isn't a Substitute For Close Male Friendships
Heterosexual men tend to seek their emotional connection with their romantic partners than they do with male friends.  They also tend to be better at allowing themselves to be emotionally vulnerable with women.

The problem is that when men seek emotional connection exclusively from their  partner, they're putting a strain on the relationship because they expect their partner to fulfill all their emotional needs. 

A Strain on the Relationship 

They might also expect that their partner will fulfill all their social needs including relying on her to do the planning for their social life (see my article: Relationships: Sharing the Mental Load).

In addition, many of these same men expect to have a ready made group of friends from their partner's friendships.

It's important to have other sources of emotional support and not rely exclusively on a romantic partner which can also put a strain on the relationship.

In addition, if the relationship ends, these men not only lose their partner--they lose their friend group because these friends were really the partner's friends.

How Men Can Build and Maintain Close Male Friendships
  • Start small and don't put too much pressure on yourself or on others at the beginning.
  • Participate in an activity that you enjoy including working out at the gym, working on a community project, participating in a book club, joining others for a team sport, taking an improv class, and so on, to meet other potential male friends.
Building and Maintaining Close Male Friendships
  • Transition from the initial banter to more meaningful topics as you get to know them a little better. This might include what they like about their job, community or other activities. As you get to know them even better, you can attempt to be more vulnerable by asking them about what's important to them in their life and sharing your feelings.
If face-to-face encounters are difficult for you at first, you might find a less direct approach more comfortable like talking about someone's workout routine at the gym.

Conclusion
There are a variety of complex reasons why heterosexual men have problems making and developing close male friendships.

Building and Maintaining Close Male Friendships

The health and mental health benefits of making close friends are significant.

Be patient with yourself and others while you're developing these new skills and recognize that these skills might not come naturally to the other men you're trying to befriend.

Also See My Related Article


About Me
I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I have over 20 years of experience helping individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.













Sunday, May 11, 2025

Why Are Close Friendships Important?

According to a 2021 American Perspectives Survey, Americans tend to have fewer close friends in recent years than they did in years past (see my article: Overcoming Loneliness and Social Isolation).

The survey also found that Americans talk to friends less often and rely on friends less for emotional support than they did in the past (see my article: Emotional Support From Your Family of Choice).


Close Friends Are Important For Your Overall Well-Being

According to the survey, there are reasons for this, including:
  • Americans are more mobile than they were before so this makes it difficult to maintain friendships with the consistency that these relationships need.
  • Americans are working and traveling more for work which doesn't leave time to develop and foster friendships.
  • American parents are spending more time with their children than previous generations so this doesn't allow much time for friendships.
Why Are Close Friendships Important to Your Mental Health?
Close friendships can improve mental health because friendships:
  • Reduce Loneliness and Social Isolation: Spending time with friends can help prevent loneliness and social isolation which can have mental health benefits.
Close Friends Are Important For Your Overall Well-Being

  • Increase Happiness and Satisfaction with Life: Close friends can contribute to overall happiness and satisfaction with life.
  • Help With Personal Growth: Friendships can challenge you to learn, grow and become a better version of yourself.
Why Are Close Friendship Important for Your Physical Health?
Close friendships can improve your physical health benefits because friendships can:
  • Improve Cardiovascular Health: Having supportive friends can contribute to having healthier blood pressure and reduce the risk of cardiovascular problems.
Close Friendships Are Important to Your Overall Well-Being
  • Enhance Immune Functions: Social support from friends can potentially enhance immune functions which reduce the risk of illness.
  • Help Increase Life Expectancy: Studies have indicated that people with strong social connections tend to live longer.
Future Articles:
I'll continue to explore the importance of friendships in future articles.

About Me
I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I have over 20 years of experience helping individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.




























Saturday, May 10, 2025

How to Cope With Pregnancy Loss When You and Your Partner Have Different Feelings About the Loss

Couples often discover that they might differ in their feelings about a pregnancy loss (see my articles:  Coping With Pregnancy Loss and Allowing Room For Grief).

You might understand how you and your partner feel different about many areas in your life, including different feelings about friends, family members, in-laws, religion, politics and other areas.

Coping With Pregnancy Loss

But when you and your partner differ on your feelings about pregnancy loss, this can put a strain on the relationship, especially if each of you feels you're dealing with it in the "right way" and your partner is dealing with it in the "wrong way".

If you both have a hard time talking to each other about the way you feel, the loss can erode the relationship and, possibly, push you apart.

You might feel frustrated, angry and sad if:
  • One of you wants to talk about the loss and other doesn't.
  • Your partner experiences the loss in a different way from the way you do.
Coping With Pregnancy Loss
  • You feel alone because your partner doesn't understand how you feel or they might not want to talk about it.
  • Your partner expresses feeling alone because you don't feel the same way they do.
  • Your partner wants to "move on" to start making plans for the future including wanting to try again to get pregnant and you're not ready.
Coping With Pregnancy Loss
  • Your partner doesn't seem to think your feelings are as important as theirs.
  • You might think your feelings are more important than your partner's feelings or vice versa.
  • One or both of you feel you're either overreacting or under-reacting to the loss.
  • Your partner doesn't feel  the pregnancy loss was really a loss at all, but you feel devastated by it (or vice versa).
  • You feel your partner is getting all the attention from loved ones and you feel your feelings are being minimized or vice versa.
  • You feel so upset about the loss that you're unable to be emotionally supportive of your partner.
  • You feel the miscarriage was your fault and you have let down your partner.
  • You feel so guilty and ashamed about the miscarriage that you feel too upset to talk about it.
Clinical Vignette
The following clinical vignette is a composite of many different cases with all identifying information omitted to protect confidentiality:

Donna and Jack
Donna and Jack, who were both in their mid-30s, were married three years when Donna had a miscarriage during the ninth week of the pregnancy.

Coping With Pregnancy Loss

They had been trying to get pregnant for two years and they were both elated when Donna found out she was pregnant. 

But several weeks later, Donna felt cramping which was similar to menstrual cramps. She also had lower back pain. Suddenly she noticed that she had vaginal bleeding and she realized she was having a miscarriage.

Jack rushed Donna to the hospital in their car and their worst fears were confirmed. The emergency room doctor was empathetic and tried to reassure them that miscarriages occur about 10-20% of the time. He also told them that she should see her OB-GYN.

Donna's OB-GYN reiterated what the ER doctor told them. He offered to refer them for counseling to deal with the loss, but neither of them was ready to speak with a counselor at that point.

They avoided telling their families for a few days because Donna was sure her family would blame her for the miscarriage and Jack thought his family would feel uncomfortable talking about the miscarriage.

Coping With Pregnancy Loss

During that time, Donna tried to think about what she might have done that could have caused the miscarriage. Despite reassurances from her OB-GYN that she had done nothing to cause the miscarriage, Dona felt guilty and ashamed. She felt like she had let Jack down--despite Jack telling her that he didn't blame her and she shouldn't blame herself.

A few weeks later, they told their families about the miscarriage and both families reacted as they feared they might. Donna's mother told her that she must have done something to cause the miscarriage, which was hurtful to Donna, and Jack's family barely said a word about it. His mother came every few days to check in with them and to bring food, but neither of Jack's parents could bring themselves to talk about it.

A month later, Jack told Donna that he couldn't tolerate feeling sad about the miscarriage any more and he felt they should "move on" and try to get pregnant again. He knew Donna was still very sad, but he hoped that getting pregnant again would help Donna to feel better.

But Donna felt she couldn't even consider getting pregnant again so quickly. She feared she would have another miscarriage--even though her OB-GYN assured her that there was no reason why she shouldn't be able to have a baby.

Donna wanted to be able to talk to Jack about the loss, but Jack told her that he didn't think he could talk about it any more, "Donna, I don't know what else to say about the miscarriage. I feel sad too, but I need to feel we're moving ahead and creating a future together. Why wouldn't you want that too?"

Donna became angry and frustrated with Jack's response. She couldn't understand why he couldn't just be there for her without focusing on the future, "Besides, I can't even think about having sex at this point. I just don't feel sexual."

They decided to see a couples therapist who was also a sex therapist. Their therapist normalized that it's not unusual for two people to feel differently about a miscarriage or about any loss.  

She focused on getting them each to listen and validate each other's feelings.  She helped them to communicate with each other about how they were each feeling instead of focusing on the "right" or "wrong" way to feel.

When she encouraged them to create a ritual together to remember the loss, Donna suggested that they light candles for a week while they sat together in front of the candles to memorialize the loss. This worked out well for Jack because he felt he didn't have the words to talk about the loss outside the couples therapy session.

When they returned to their couples therapy session a week later, Donna said she was feeling somewhat calmer. She was still sad, but she didn't feel angry and frustrated with Jack. She said they sat together holding hands in front of the candles and she felt emotionally supported by Jack.

Jack said he felt less pressure to come up with what he wanted to say about the miscarriage. He also indicated that he felt a lot more empathy for Donna when they sat together in this way.

This was a turning point in their loss and, gradually, Donna was able to begin thinking about the possibility of trying to get pregnant again. She still wasn't in the mood to have sex, but Jack was patient.

Their couples therapist was also a sex therapist so they worked on reviving their physical intimacy together until they both felt ready to reconnect sexually. 

Initially, they focused on reconnecting emotionally and enjoying the sexual intimacy before they tried to get pregnant again.

How to Deal With Pregnancy Loss Together When You Each Have Different Feelings
  • Accept You Both Have Different Feelings: It's normal for two people to feel and react differently to a loss. Also, two people can have different times when they grieve. Some people grieve immediately and others grieve in a few months (see my article: The Many Layers of Grief).
  • Listen and Talk to Each Other: Even if you don't feel the same way your partner feels, allow your partner to tell you how they feel. If they can't talk about it, maybe they can write down their feelings. Be emotionally supportive of each other (see my article: Writing About Grief).
  • Find Ways to Memorialize Your Loss: You and your partner can find ways to memorialize your loss together in whatever way is meaningful to you including lighting candles together or finding other meaningful rituals you can do together (see my article: The Power of Personal Rituals).
Get Help in Therapy
If you and your partner are unable to talk to each other about the loss, seek help in therapy. 

A skilled therapist, who has experience helping couples deal with pregnancy loss, can help you both to grieve in whatever way is meaningful to each of you.

Get Help in Therapy For Pregnancy Loss

Rather than struggling on your own and allowing the loss to erode your relationship, seek help from a licensed mental health professional so you can heal together.

Also see my other articles about grief:


About Me
I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

With over 20 years of experience, I have helped many individual adults and couples to work through their grief.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.







Friday, May 9, 2025

Coping with Pregnancy Loss

It is a little known fact that approximately 10-20% of all pregnancies end in a miscarriage.

The actual number might be even higher because most miscarriages occur early in the pregnancy and many women don't even realize they had a miscarriage. 

Coping With Pregnancy Loss

Some of these women don't even realize they were pregnant before they had a miscarriage.

Coping With Pregnancy Loss
The sense of loss for women and their partners can be profound and isolating because, unlike other losses, there are no funerals or rituals to process this loss with their loved ones. 

In addition, family and friends are often not emotionally supportive. 

Coping With Pregnancy Loss

Some loved ones can be emotionally invalidating by brushing off the loss and telling the woman and her partner, "Oh, you can just try again" as if there was no loss at all involved with the miscarriage.

Aside from feeling the sadness of the loss, many women also feel ashamed and guilty because they believe they did something to cause the loss--even when it's objectively clear that they didn't.

Many loved ones believe a miscarriage is no loss at all because they believe there wasn't enough time for the woman to develop an emotional attachment. But this negates the fact that the woman and her partner had a dream of having a child and now that dream is lost.

Difficulty Grieving Pregnancy Loss
Many women and their partners never grieve for pregnancy loss, but the trauma of the miscarriage lives within them and between them.

Coping With Pregnancy Loss

The lack of rituals to grieve the loss with loved ones often leads the woman and her partner to suppress their emotions about the loss so they can "move on" and try to get pregnant again.

What Are the Possible Consequences of Not Grieving a Pregnancy Loss?
Failing to process the loss can result in physical, emotional and relationship difficulties:

Physical symptoms might include:
  • Fatigue
  • Sleep disturbance
  • Change in appetite (either under-eating or over-eating)
  • Physical discomfort
Emotional symptoms might include:
  • Depression
  • Anxiety
  • PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder)
  • Guilt
  • Shame
  • Complicated grief where the grief becomes prolonged and intense
  • Isolation due to avoiding the judgment of others
Relationship difficulties might include:
  • Difficulty communicating about their feelings about the miscarriage including fear of talking about the loss
  • Problems being sexual with each other after the loss
  • A higher risk of a breakup as compared to couples who experience a live birth
How to Cope With Pregnancy Loss
  • Be Emotionally Supportive of Each Other: Even though you and your partner might not feel the same way about the pregnancy loss, be supportive of each other.
  • Get Emotional Support From Loved Ones Who Understand: You want to confide in people who will be supportive and who will not make you feel emotionally invalidated. Anyone who would be likely to dismiss your feelings by saying, "Just move on and try to get pregnant again" isn't the right person to confide in.
  • Grieve the Loss of the Pregnancy and Your Dream of Having a Baby At That Point in Your Life: Grieve in any way that is meaningful to you. Each of you might have different ways of grieving. Respect that. There is no one "right way" to grieve a pregnancy loss.
  • Get Help in Therapy: Get help in couples therapy with a supportive therapist who helps clients with grief, especially grief related to a miscarriage. If your partner refuses to go, at first, start going yourself and your partner might join you in time.
Seeking Help in Therapy For Pregnancy Loss
You and your partner might not be ready to seek help in therapy immediately after the pregnancy loss, but don't struggle too long with your loss by yourselves.

Seeking Help in Therapy For Pregnancy Loss

A compassionate psychotherapist who has experience helping clients with loss can help you to grieve your loss so you don't develop the physical, emotional and relational problems mentioned above.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional has the expertise to help you to work through your loss.

Also See My Article:

About Me
I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I have helped many individual adults and couples to overcome grief.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.