What is Disenfranchised Grief?

Disenfranchised grief is a term used to describe grief that is not openly acknowledged, socially validated or publicly supported. This term was coined by Dr. Kenneth Doka, a grief researcher in 1989.

Disenfranchised Grief

Disenfranchised grief occurs when a person experiences a significant loss but society, culture or the people around them minimize or deny their right to mourn. 

This often leaves the individual grieving in isolation without traditional mourning rituals, support systems and validation that typically accompanies a recognized loss.

What Are Common Examples of Disenfranchised Loss?

The following examples are typical of disenfranchised loss:

• Unrecognized Relationships:  The connection to the deceased is either hidden or unrecognized. This includes mourning an ex-spouse or former partner, a casual partner, miscarriage or stillbirth, a secret lover, an LGBTQ+ when the relationship isn't publicly known.

Disenfranchised Grief

• Unrecognized Losses: The loss is viewed as minor or as not deserving of deep grief.  This includes: a miscarriage, the loss of a pet and non-death losses such as a breakup, loss of a job or a loved one with cognitive decline due to Alzheimer's (see my article: Coping With Ambiguous Loss).

Disenfranchised Grief

• Stigmatized Loss: The circumstances surrounding the death involve social judgment, which causes survivors to hide their emotional pain. Examples include deaths involving suicide, substance abuse overdose or criminal contexts.

• Disenfranchised Grievers: Many people often mistakenly assume that certain individuals lack either the capacity or need to grieve. This includes young children, the elderly or individuals with cognitive or developmental disabilities.

• Unconventional Grieving Styles: A person's outward expression of grief doesn't always match cultural expectations. This might include: Showing no visible emotion, using humor or grieving much longer than some people think is appropriate.

What is the Impact of Hidden Grief?

Since this type of grief goes unrecognized by others, it can create certain mental health challenges for the individual experiencing the grief including:

• Intense Isolation: Without the usual emotional support and rituals of grief, the individual who is experiencing the grief carries the weight of the grief on their own.

Disenfranchised Grief

• Self Doubt and Shame: Grievers often internalize the lack of validation. This often causes grievers to question whether their feelings are "wrong", "dramatic" or inappropriate.

• Prolonged or Complicated Grief: When grievers can't process loss openly, the pain frequently persists longer and evolve into clinical complications (see my article: Coping With Complicated Grief.

What Are Strategies For Healing?

Coping with disenfranchised grief requires alternative ways to validate your experience:

• Name Your Grief: Recognizing that your grief is a legitimate response to a real loss is an essential part of healing.

• Give Yourself Permission to Feel All Your Feelings: Grief often comes in waves so it's not a linear process. Disenfranchised grief can be particularly intense due to your isolated state and the lack of empathy from others. You might feel emotionally numb, sad, hopeless, hopeful, angry, alone, relieved, overwhelmed, anxious, curious and many other emotions.

Disenfranchised Grief

• Create Personal Rituals: If you're unable to have a formal ceremony, create your own. This can involve planting a tree, writing letters, creating a private memorial space in your home or whatever feels meaningful to you. You can also write in a journal to express all your feelings about the loss (see my article: The Power of Creating Personal Rituals).

Get Help in Therapy

Getting help in therapy for disenfranchised grief counteracts the isolation of an unacknowledged loss and it can prevent the development of more complex mental health problems and emotional stagnation.

Get Help in Therapy

Rather than struggling on your own, get help from a licensed mental health professional who can witness your pain and help you to work through grief.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), IFS, Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have helped many individual adults and couples over the years.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

Coping With the Loss of a Loved One - Common Reactions 

The Many Layers of Grief 

The Emotional Impact of Losing Both of Your Parents 

You Continue to Have An Internal Relationship With Your Parents After They Die 

What is Somatic IFS Therapy?

I've written prior articles about IFS (Internal Family Systems) therapy, a gentle evidence based trauma therapy, in the past (see links for articles at this end of this article).

What is Somatic IFS Therapy?

Somatic IFS therapy is an integrative approach that combines the "parts work" of traditional IFS with body-centered somatic therapy.

Somatic IFS Therapy

Somatic IFS was developed by IFS trainer, Susan McConnell, who also wrote the book, Somatic Internal Family Systems.

This modality is based on the premise that psychological wounds, trauma and subpersonalities (parts) don't just live in the mind--they are physically stored in the nervous system, tissues and postures.

Somatic IFS Therapy as Mind-Body Parts Work

Traditional IFS sees the human psyche as a system of distinct subpersonalities (e.g., inner children, managers and protectors) led by a compassionate Core Self. 

Although traditional IFS does use the mind-body connection, it relies mostly on cognitive dialog to interact with these parts. Somatic IFS really emphasizes the body in this dialog.

The basic assumptions of Somatic IFS include:

• Parts Are Embodied: An anxious protector might manifest as a tight jaw or restricted breathing. Similarly, a deeply wounded exile (wounded part of oneself) might show up as chronic fatigue or a collapsed posture.

• The Core Self is Embodied: Genuine healing comes from an embodied Core Self where a person doesn't just think from a place of curiosity and compassion--they feel physically grounded and safe within their own skin.

What Are the 5 Core Practices of Somatic IFS Therapy?

Somatic IFS uses five distinct structured practices to bridge the gap between mind and body:

• Somatic Awareness: The foundational step in Somatic IFS is from having a body to being a body--noticing physical sensations, interoceptive cues and internal stories (see my article: The Mind-Body Connection: What is Somatic Awareness?)

Somatic IFS Therapy

• Conscious Breathing: Somatic IFS uses specific breathwork techniques to regulate the nervous system, soothe hyperactive parts and safely access buried emotional pain (these parts are called "exiles" in IFS).

• Radical Resonance: Somatic IFS develops awareness of the energetic relational space between the client and the therapist. This allows the IFS therapist's regulated nervous system to help co-regulate the client. 

• Mindful Movement: Somatic IFS invites micro-movements, which are changes in posture or expressive stretching to let a nonverbal part of the client express itself physically its needs, incomplete survival defenses or release physically burdens held by the parts.

• Attuned Touch: Somatic IFS therapy encourages the client to comfort wounded parts through touch/grounding hand placement. This also allows the client to use their hand to facilitate a felt sense of safety.

Somatic IFS Therapy and the Nervous System

Somatic IFS is effective for conditions rooted in the nervous system because it goes beyond intellectual analysis and intellectual insight. 

Somatic IFS is used for posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD), chronic trauma, anxiety, complex trauma, preveral trauma and other nervou system related mind-body oriented problems.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, IFS, Somatic Experiencing, EFT therapist (for couples) and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have helped many individual adults and couples over the years.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

IFS Therapy is a Gentle Evidence-Based Trauma Therapy 

What is the Connection Between IFS Therapy and Neural Networks? 

How IFS Therapy Can Help With Anxiety

 

How Do Traumatizing Narcissists Use Love Bombing, Gaslighting and Degradation to Manipulate in Relationships?

Being in a relationship with a traumatizing narcissist can have a severe psychological, emotional and physical impact over time.

Usually these relationships start with love-bombing to win over the person they are seeing. Once they have won the person over, they change their tactics and use manipulation to maintain power over their partner.

To understand how traumatizing narcissists use manipulation, it's important to start by defining the term "DARVO".

Traumatizing Narcissists Use Manipulation to Abuse

What is DARVO?

DARVO is a term which was coined by psychologist Dr. Jennifer Freyd in 1997.

DARVO is an acronym which stands for Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender which traumatizing narcissists use as a manipulation tactic to deflect accountability and blame when they are confronted by their partner.

The traumatizing narcissist uses DARVO in three steps:

• Step One: Deny: This is the first step in the traumatizing narcissist's manipulation. They deny any wrongdoing or abuse--even when it's obvious that they were at fault.  

Traumatizing Narcissists Use DARVO to Abuse Partners

• Step Two: Attack: Not only do they refuse to take responsibility--the traumatizing narcissist attacks the credibility, character and casts doubt on their partner. This is an attempt to discredit them and make their partner doubt themself. In order to manipulate, they might use insults and threats including threats to leave the relationship. This inflicts even more pain on their partner.

• Step Three: Reverse Victim and Offender: The abuser tries to switch roles by twisting the narrative so that they position themself as the "real victim" while portraying their abused partner as the offender. In addition, the abuser will use gaslighting to make their partner believe they are either crazy, confused or just wrong. In effect, the abuser switches roles and redirects the attention away from their own behavior. 

What is the Impact of DARVO?

Traumatizing narcissists, who are usually masters of manipulation, often achieve their intended results. Since they are so convincing, their partner seems less believable. 

When the partner deals with the traumatizing narcissist's behavior on a daily basis over a long period of time, the manipulation takes a toll on the partner emotionally, psychologically and physically. 

The partner internalizes this false narrative and believes that the traumatizing narcissist isn't the problem.  Over time, the victim comes to see themselves as the problem and they believe they are the cause of their own problems.

Many survivors of this type of narcissistic abuse experience posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD) if they remain in the relationship with the abusive partner.

How to Protect Yourself From DARVO

To recognize the early signs that you are with a traumatizing narcissist, you need to focus less on their charm and more on your own embodied reactions to them, how they ignore your boundaries, and how they tell their stories.

Traumatizing narcissists are very good at the process of idealization, which can feel very romantic at first but is designed to fast-track emotional dependency:

The Pacing and Intensity Feel Overwhelming (The "Glow")

• Love-Bombing: They shower you with excessive praise, grand declarations, constant communication and maybe even gifts (see my article: 10 Signs You're Being Loved Bombed By a Narcissist).

Beware of Love Bombing

• Hyper-Fast Escalation: They push for immediate exclusivity (moving in together quickly or planning a lifetime together after only a few weeks).

• Instant Soulmate Narrative: They claim they have never felt this way before and you are made for each other.

Communication and Truth Are Distorted

• Conversational Monopoly: They dominate discussions and skillfully redirect every topic back to their achievements or their struggles.

Traumatizing Narcissists Tend to Monopolize the Conversation

• Victim History: They describe their history as having been the victim in the past. Every single ex-partner, family member or prior boss was "crazy", "abusive" or deeply unfair to them, according to the traumatizing narcissist.

• Information Harvesting: They ask deep penetrating questions about your past trauma or vulnerabilities which they plan to eventually use against you.

• Subtle Contradictions: Their stories have small, logical gaps, and their words rarely align with their long term actions.

Setting Boundaries With Them or Telling Them "No" Triggers Negative Reactions

• The "Loyalty Test": They create minor crises or sudden plans that force you to choose them over pre-existing obligations.

• Poor Tolerance When You Say "No": If you say "no" to a request, they react with coldness, passive-aggressive behavior or immediate guilt-tripping.

Micro-Devaluations Begin Early (the "Shock")

• Offensive and or Controversial Remarks to Test You: They make a sharp, insulting comment disguised as a joke. Then, if you say you're offended, they accuse you of being "too sensitive". They are testing you and will escalate over time if you accept their behavior.

Traumatic Narcissists Criticizing Partner as a Test

• Public/Private Split: They can be very charismatic and generous in public, but they might be cold, distracted or critical behind closed doors.

• Flawless Image: They cannot tolerate even the smallest constructive feedback without getting massively defensive or blame-shifting (i.e., blaming you instead of taking responsibility).

Your Own Internal Warnings (the "Glow" vs the "Shock")

• Recognize Your Low-Level Anxiety: You feel an underlying tension, dread or jitteriness when you're with them--even when things are going well.

• Beware of Walking on Eggshells: You find yourself carefully monitoring your words, tone, facial expressions and behavior to avoid upsetting them.

• You're Gaslighting Yourself: You find yourself making mental excuses for their abusive behavior. You also ignore your own intuition.

How Can You Leave a Traumatizing Narcissist?

Every situation is different, so only you can judge whether these steps would work for you.

Leaving a relationship with a traumatizing narcissist can be tricky depending upon the circumstances. It will require careful planning and your safety and emotional preservation are your top priorities.

Prioritize Safety

• Keep Your Plans Private: Strategic silence is often necessary because if a traumatizing narcissist senses they are losing control over you, they will escalate their abusive behavior.

• Secure Essential Documents: Gather essential documents like your birth certificate, passport, financial records and other important documents.

• Establish Financial Independence: If necessary, secure emergency funds in a private account where only you have the account number and password.

• Update Digital Security: Change passwords on email, banking and social media accounts.

• Check For Tracking: Be mindful of location sharing settings on your phone, vehicles and shared devices.

Establish Boundaries

• Implement No Contact: Blocking phone numbers and social media helps to prevent emotional manipulation.

• Recognize "Hovering": Be prepared for attempts to pull you back into the relationship with gifts or manufactured "emergencies".

• Use the "Grey Rock" Method: If communication is necessary (e.g., you are co-parenting), keep interactions brief, business-like and devoid of emotional reaction.

• Keep Records: Save copies of communication in case a legal intervention or a restraining order becomes necessary.

Build a Support System

• Involve Trusted Individuals: Reach out to trusted family and friends who understand the situation to get emotional support. Don't isolate.

Get Emotional Support From Loved Ones

• Seek Professional Guidance: Trauma therapy can be a vital resource for healing from psychological and emotional abuse.

• Utilize Community Support: Familiar yourself with community organizations that offer legal support, housing or safety planning.

Focus on Your Own Emotional and Psychological Recovery

• Anticipate the Possibility of a "Smear Campaign": It's common for traumatizing narcissists to try to damage your reputation, especially when you leave them or they think you're about to leave them.

• Document the Reality: Keeping your own private record of the reasons for leaving can provide you with clarity especially when you have moments of doubt and you think about returning to your abusive partner.

• Prioritize Self Care: Focus on your physical, mental and emotional health. Eat nutritious meals. Get adequate sleep. Exercise at a pace that is healthy for you. Reconnect with personal friends, interests and hobbies.

Conclusion

If you have been in a relationship with a traumatizing narcissist, you know how devastating this can be emotionally, psychologically and physically to your nervous system.

The psychological damage stems from a calculated cycle of intense adoration/love bombing followed by systematic degradation, manipulation and gaslighting.

Get Help in Trauma Therapy

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who is a trauma therapist (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

Get Help in Trauma Therapy

Being able to work through the trauma of being in a relationship with a traumatizing narcissist can free you from your traumatic history so you can lead a fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

As a trauma therapist, I have helped many individual adults and couples over the years.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Understanding Reactive Parts of Your Personality From an IFS Parts Work Therapy Perspective

In my previous article, I focused on proactive parts (also known as "Managers") from an Internal Family Systems (IFS) parts work therapy perspective.

According to IFS therapy, we all have many different internal parts, which are also known as sub-personalities. This is a normal for everyone's personality.

The problem occurs when these subpersonalities (or parts) take on burdened roles due to trauma in order not to feel the emotional pain.

Understanding Reactive Parts of Your Personality in IFS

These burdened internal parts include:

• Proactive Protectors Parts (also known as "Managers")
• Reactive Protectors Parts (also known as "Firefighters")
• Emotionally Wounded Parts (also known as "Exiles")

Everyone also has a Core Self which is not a part. 

The Core Self is the essence of who you are (see my article: Understanding Your Core Self in IFS Therapy).

In this article, I'm focusing on reactive parts (also known as "Firefighters") in IFS therapy.

I'll be using the terms "reactive protector parts" and "Firefighters" interchangeably because they refer to the same parts.

Core Characteristics of Reactive ("Firefighter") Protector Parts

While proactive protector parts ("Managers") work to keep life orderly and prevent emotional distress from surfacing, Firefighters,which are reactive parts, act like the "emergency response team" of your system. 

Understanding Reactive "Firefighter" Parts in IFS

For instance, if a Manager (proactive part) fails and a wave of shame, trauma or terror breaks through into your consciousness, the Firefighter reacts immediately to "douse" the emotional flames by any means necessary.

The key characteristics of Firefighter parts include:

• Extreme Urgency: They operate with a desperate need to shift, fix or run away from a feeling immediately.

• Disregard For Consequences: Firefighters care only about immediate relief and survival and they completely ignore the long-term consequences of their actions.

• High Intensity: Their behaviors are often highly reflexive, powerful and overwhelming.

What Are Common Examples of Reactive ("Firefighter") Protectors?

Firefighter parts' sole objective is to stifle unbearable emotional pain, so they often employ drastic, impulsive and numbing behaviors. These can include:

• Numbing and Distraction: Compulsive screen scrolling, binge-watching, overeating and oversleeping (see my article: What Happens When You Numb Yourself From Feeling Emotional Pain?).

• Substance and Chemical Use: Binge drinking or abusing drugs to quickly alter or black out emotional states.

• Dissociation and Shutdown: Completely detaching from the body or experiencing a "freeze" response to escape from an overwhelming reality (see my article: What is Trauma-Related Dissociation?).

• Defensive Aggression: Sudden outbursts of rage or verbal attacks are meant to push others away before they can cause deeper hurt.

• High Risk Behaviors: Self-harm, reckless spending or impulsive decision-making are meant to replace emotional pain with physical sensation or high adrenaline.

How Can You Detect Your Reactive Internal Protector Parts ("Firefighters")?

Detecting your reactive parts requires tuning into sudden shifts in your impulses, behavior and physical sensations immediately after you feel emotionally vulnerable, rejected or overwhelmed. 

Since Firefighters react to "emergencies", you can catch them by tracking the exact moments you lose your typical sense of calm and control.

You can identify and map your Firefighter parts by watching for these four specific indicators:

1. The Trigger to Impulse

Firefighter parts, true to their reactive nature, are incredibly fast. You can detect them by paying attention to a sudden impulsive urge that arises immediately after an uncomfortable interaction, thought or emotion:

• The Pattern: As an example: You receive a critical text from your boss (the trigger). Within seconds, before you even consciously register that you feel hurt, angry or anxious, you have already opened up a food delivery app or a mobile game to numb your feelings by overeating.

• The Detection Clue: In the example above, look for behaviors that are automatic, as if you are on autopilot, where it feels like you "woke up" and realized what you were doing halfway through doing them (e.g., halfway through a binge).

2. Radical Shifts in Your Body

When a Firefighter takes over your system, your physical baseline changes instantly:

• The "Numb" or "Blank" State": A sudden drop in physical sensation, a feeling of floating away or your eyes glazing over indicates a dissociative or avoidant Firefighter putting out the emotional "fire" by disconnecting you from yourself.

Understanding Reactive Parts: The Numb or Blank Stare

• The "Tunnel Vision" Surge: A sudden spike in heat, jaw clenching or an overwhelming rush of adrenaline that demands immediate and sudden aggressive action indicates an angry or defensive Firefighter kicking in to push other people away.

3. Listening to the Post-Act "Internal Backlash"

Firefighters almost always carry negative consequences, so they are usually followed by an intense backlash from your Manager parts. 

For example, to find a Firefighter, you can trace backwards from an internal critic, which is a Manager part, to discover the Firefighter:

• The Detection Clue: If you snap out of a dissociated (trance-like) state and your  internal voice says, "Why did you do that again? You have no willpower. You ruined everything", look closely at the behavior the inner voice is criticizing. The part that committed the act, whether it was drinking, drugging, overeating or overspending, is the Firefighter and the part that is criticizing you is the Manager part.

4. Recognizing Common Firefighter Parts

Firefighters usually use specific types of strategies to change your emotional state. 

Reflect on whether you have reactive parts that fit one or more of these descriptions:

• The Soother/Numbing Part: Reaching for alcohol, weed or sugar to chemically dull your anxiety. The motto of this part is "This will just take the edge off."

• The Escapist/Distractor Part: Losing a lot of time to mindless scrolling, gaming or binge-watching. The motto of this part is "Let's just change the channel."

The Reactive Protector: The Escapist/Distractor

• The Impulsive Rebel Part: Abruptly quitting a job, spending money recklessly or picking an argument. The motto for this part is "Burn it down! Who cares!"

• The Sleep/Shutdown Part: Suddenly becoming completely exhausted and oversleeping (12-14 or more hours) when stressed. The motto of this part is "Go to sleep and pull the plug."

Questions For Self Reflection

To map your own system, ask yourself these questions:

• "What do I do when a feeling gets so big it feels like it will swallow me up?"

• "What are the behaviors in my life that I try hardest to hide from other people out of shame?"

• "When I feel completely overwhelmed, what is the very first urge that hits me?"

Conclusion

We all have subpersonalities or, as they are called in IFS, parts. This is normal.

For people who have experienced trauma, especially developmental trauma in childhood, these parts take on burdened roles in order to protect the emotionally wounded parts of these individuals.

One of the main objectives of IFS therapy is to help traumatized individuals who have burdened parts to release these burdens so they are free from their history of trauma.

Get Help in IFS Therapy

Although protector parts, both Managers and Firefighters, might feel like a natural part of your personality, over time they create problems for your physical, emotional and psychological well-being as well as your relationships.

Getting Help in IFS Parts Work Therapy

If you have tried unsuccessfully to work on your problems on your own or traditional talk therapy hasn't worked for you, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who is an IFS therapist so you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), IFS, Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have helped many individual adults and couples over time.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

IFS Parts Work Therapy is a Gentle Evidence-Based Trauma Therapy 

How Can IFS Parts Work Therapy Be Empowering? 

What is the Connection Between IFS Therapy and Neural Networks? 

Discovering Your Core Self in IFS Therapy 

Understanding Proactive Protector Parts of Your Personality From An IFS Parts Work Therapy Perspective

I have written about IFS (Internal Family Systems) in prior articles (see links for these articles. below).

Understanding Protector Parts From in IFS Therapy

As I've discussed in prior articles, from an IFS perspective, we all have many different internal parts or sub-personalities. This is a normal part of everyone's personality.

These internal parts include:

• Protectors (also known as "Managers")
• Firefighters
• Exiles

There is also a Core Self which is not a part. The Core Self is the essence of who you are (see my article: Understanding Your Core Self and Your Parts in IFS Therapy).

In this article, I'm focusing on protector parts.

In everyday terms, an internal protector part is an internal coping mechanism or a behavioral habit that acts early to prevent emotional pain, rejection or failure before it happens. 

Core Characteristics of a Proactive Protector Part

• Future Focused: It anticipates emotional or social danger and wants to prevent it.
• Control Oriented: It manages people, the environment and perception.
• Anxiety Driven: It operates out of fear of vulnerability.
• Unconscious: It usually operates outside of your awareness.

What Are Common Examples of Internal Proactive Protector Parts?

• The Over-Preparer: Over-researching every decision to avoid making a mistake
• The People-Pleaser: Agreeing with everyone to prevent conflict or rejection.
• The Cynic: Expecting the worst from people to avoid feeling disappointed
• The Hyper-Independent: Refusing help so you never rely on someone because you fear they might abandon you

What is the Internal Family System (IFS) Connection

In IFS therapy these protector parts are also known as "Manager" parts. Their primary job is to run your life daily life efficiently and keep your deep-seated emotional wounds completely buried. These wounds include: shame, loneliness or feeling unworthy or unlovable.

Why Are Proactive Protector Parts Considered a Double-Edged Sword?

While you might feel that protector parts keep you safe from immediate discomfort, they often backfire because over time they create:

• Exhaustion
• Prevent deep emotional intimacy
• Lock you into a rigid lifestyle
• Stop personal growth

How Can You Spot Your Proactive Internal Protector Parts?

You can spot proactive internal protectors by looking at your rigid habits, repetitive internal rules and your automatic behaviors designed to avoid discomfort. 

Understanding Protector Parts in IFS Therapy

Since these internal protectors mask themselves as being "just part of your personality", identifying them requires paying attention to how and why you react to daily stressors:

Listen to the Internal "Rule" Language

Proactive protectors run on a strict, conditional logic to keep you safe. 

Listen to your internal self-talk for absolute rules with "I must" or "If I don't":

• "If I don't do this perfectly, everyone will think I'm a fraud."

• "I must have a plan or everything will fall apart."

• "If I open up to them, they will eventually use it against me."

• "I need to fix their bad mood or they will leave me."

Identify Your "Always On" Behaviors

Look at your behaviors that feel compulsive or impossible to turn off. 

Proactive protectors rarely allow you to rest because they believe that lowering your guard will result in disaster:

• Hypervigilance: Constantly scanning people's faces, tone of voice or text messages for signs of anger, boredom or judgment (see my article: What is Hypervigilance?)

• Chronic Over-Scheduling: Keeping your calendar completely full so you never have quiet time to feel anxious or lonely

• Preemptive Exiting: Breaking off friendships or dating relationships the moment they get serious to avoid being rejected first

Track Your Emotional Triggers

When a proactive protector is triggered, you feel a sudden spike of anxiety, defensiveness or irritation that feels disproportionate to the situation.

Here is an example;

• The Trigger: A coworker offers helpful feedback on your project.

• The Protector's Reaction: Sudden intense anger or anxiety and an immediate urge to over-explain and justify your work.

• The Hidden Fear: If my work isn't flawless, I'm completely worthless.

Look For the "Fixer" Mentality

Notice how you handle other people's discomfort. 

Proactive protectors often try to manage other people's emotions so they can maintain the illusion of safety:

• You immediately offer solutions when someone wants to vent.
• You apologize constantly--even for things that are out of your control or not your fault.
• You modify your opinions to match the person you're talking to.

Look For Physical Tension in Your Body 

Proactive protectors don't just live in your mind--they live in your body too. They keep your nervous system in a low-grade, constant state of survival.

Examples include:

• Chronic tension in your jaw, shoulders or chest
• An inability to relax or sit still without feeling guilty
• A shallow breathing pattern when entering into social situations

Get Help in IFS Therapy

We all have many different parts of our personality and no parts are bad, but proactive protectors can have a negative impact on your everyday life and relationships.

Get Help in IFS Therapy

Proactive protectors feel like they are a natural part of your personality, but over time they can be exhausting and counterproductive.

An IFS therapist can help you to transform and heal proactive protector parts who are attempting to protect deeper emotional wounds (also known as "exiles").

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who is an IFS therapist so you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), IFS, Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

As a trauma therapist, I have helped many individual adults and couples over the years.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

What is a Trauma Therapist?

IFS Therapy is a Gentle Evidence-Based Trauma Therapy 

What is the Connection Between IFS Parts Work Therapy and Neural Networks? 

Looking at Depression From an IFS Perspective