NYC Psychotherapist Blog

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Friday, July 5, 2024

How to Make 0ral S£x Great For Her

Oral sex can be one of the most pleasurable, exciting and intimate experiences between two people--whether it's cunnilingus for women or fellatio for men (see my article: Closing the Orgasm Gap Between Men and Women).

How to Make Oral Sex Great For Her

In this article I'm focusing on cunnilingus, which is oral sex for women, and I'll focus on fellatio, oral sex for men, in a future article.

There's a great book by Sex Therapist Ian Kerner, Ph.D., LMFT, called She Comes First, that provides excellent tips for cunnilingus.  If you're not familiar with this book, check it out. It's available wherever books are sold.

What is Cunnilingus?
Cunnilingus is oral sex for women.

It can involve the giver using their mouth and tongue to stimulate the vulva, vagina and, specifically, the clitoris. This means sucking, licking, and nibbling--depending upon what she likes.

Why is Cunnilingus Important For Most Women?
Cunnilingus is very pleasurable for most women to receive. 

It can also be very pleasurable for the person who is performing cunnilingus.

Most women need stimulation of the clitoris to have an orgasm and cunnilingus provides clitoral stimulation by the giver using their tongue, mouth and fingers.

Tips on What Makes Oral Sex Great For Women
Here are some tips that can help you:

Shower or Bathe Beforehand
  • Shower or Bathe Beforehand: Being clean is essential for all sex. A shower or a bath will also help both of you to relax before sex.

Shower or Bathe Beforehand
  • Be Generous: There are some people who enjoy receiving oral sex, but they don't want to give. Sex research indicates this is less likely to occur with lesbians or bisexual women.  So, if you're a heterosexual guy who likes to receive oral sex but you don't like cunnilingus, you need to rethink your attitude. While it's important that no one should do anything they're not comfortable doing, if you're unwilling to perform cunnilingus, don't expect to receive fellatio. It's that simple. This often occurs during casual sex, especially one-night stands where some guys are only focused on their own sexual pleasure (see my article: Can Casual Sex Be Safer and More Satisfying For Heterosexual Women?).

  • Communicate: Although many women love to receive oral sex, some don't, so you need to know whether your partner likes it or not. Having a conversation before you have sex will let you know your partner's preferences. In addition, if she's into oral sex, ask how she likes it. Many women prefer a slow build up with kissing, touching and attention to other erogenous zones before their partner stimulates their clitoris. Other women might like sucking as opposed to licking or alternating between the two, so find out what she likes beforehand. The conversation can be part of your foreplay. Also be open to feedback while you're performing cunnilingus to maximize her pleasure (see my articles: How to Talk About Sex With Your Partner - Part 1 and Part 2.

  • Help Her to Relax: Receiving oral sex makes some women feel physically and emotionally vulnerable. So, as much as you can, help her to relax if she's tense. This might mean giving her a massage beforehand, cuddling, talking or the two of you doing a breathing exercise together. Find out from her what helps her to relax. 
Help Her to Relax

Help Her to Relax
  • Get Comfortable: Before you perform cunnilingus, make sure you're comfortable. Use pillows to get comfortable if you need them so you don't strain your neck or have to stop suddenly. 
  • Use a Dental Dam: If you're in a monogamous relationship and both of you only have sex with each other, you can probably skip using a dental dam. But if you're not completely monogamous or one of you has a sexually transmitted infection or you don't know each other well, use a dental dam. Dental dams are available over the counter or online, so you shouldn't have a hard time finding them.  Also, if one or both of you hasn't been tested in a while, take precautions in the same way you would if one of you had an STI.
  • Don't Go Right For the Clitoris (unless that's what she likes): Most women like a build up of sexual tension with kissing, caressing, touching other erogenous zones, and so on, before you focus on the clitoris. Also, be sure to include the labia (the folds of skin that surround the vaginal opening) when you use your tongue and mouth to stimulate her. 
  • Vary Your Technique S-l-o-w-l-y: You don't want to ruin the moment if she's about to have an orgasm and you switch too quickly from one type of stimulation to another (like from licking to sucking). You need to be tuned in to your partner to get a sense of how turned on she is or if she is about to have an orgasm. 
  • Don't Forget the G-Spot: The clitoris is the only part of a woman's body that is specifically for pleasure. It serves no other biological function, so it's important to understand what it is and how to stimulate it. The pea shaped clitoris that is visible to the eye is only a small part of the clitoris. The rest of the clitoris extends into the vagina. Stimulating a woman's G-spot, which is located about an inch or so inside the vaginal opening on the upper vaginal wall, can add a lot of pleasure. Combining cunnilingus with stimulating the G-spot with your finger at the same time can add a lot of pleasure (see my article: What You Need to Know About the G-spot).

Don't Forget the G-Spot
  • Take Your Time, Be Patient and Remain Attuned to Your Partner's Sexual Pleasure: A major mistake people make is thinking they only have to engage in cunnilingus for a few minutes and then they're done. Unless your partner tells you differently, take your time. A few minutes isn't enough time for most women to have an orgasm. Many women take up to 30 minutes or more. Pay attention to how she's experiencing pleasure and if she's close to an orgasm.
  • Be Aware That Not All Women Orgasm During Cunnilingus and That's Okay: Women's experiences with cunnilingus varies. Some women have orgasms during oral sex and some don't. Some women need a combination of oral, fingering, G-spot stimulation and sex toys like a vibrator. It's all good. That's why it's important to communicate beforehand.
  • Remember that Sexual Aftercare is Important: This could mean cuddling, kissing or whatever makes you both feel comfortable.
Sexual Aftercare

Sexual Aftercare
  • Be Open to Feedback: Feedback can come from your partner at any time, so be open to receiving feedback from her to make the experience more enjoyable for both of you. You can talk about what worked and what could be improved upon. If feedback is given in a tactful, helpful way, it can ensure that sex will be pleasurable for both of you.
About Me
I am a New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.