Kinky Sex: What is Consensual Somnophilia?

Consensual somnophilia is a sexual interest in sex during sleep involving mutual consent (see my article: What is Enthusiastic Consent?).

Kinky Sex and Consensual Somnophilia

Consensual somnophilia can be a sexual fantasy that is sexually arousing and never gets enacted. Or, it can be actually engaging in consensual sex during sleep as either the person who initiates sex or the person who gets sexual attention while they're asleep.

What is the Connection Between Consensual Somnophilia and BDSM?

According to an October 12, 2021 Psychology Today article by Dr. Justin Lehmiller, a sex researcher and social psychologist, somnophilia can be related to BDSM.  

BDSM stands for Bondage and Discipline, Domination and Submission, Sadism and Masochism (see my article: Are You Curious to Explore BDSM?).

When consensual somnophilia is linked to BDSM, it's related to kinky sex between sexual partners who want to engage in a consensual dominance-submission sexual dynamic (see my articles: What is Kinky Sex? and BDSM and Kink: What Are the Different Sub-Dom Roles?).

Since it's a consensual kink between sexual partners, unlike nonconsensual somnophilia, it does not involve abuse or harm. Also, it's important to note that nonconsensual somnophilia is not only abusive and harmful--it's illegal.

How is Consensual Somnophilia Different From Sleepy Sex?

An example of sleepy sex occurs when partners are relaxed and cuddling in bed on a Sunday morning and the cuddling turns sexual.  

This might involve any type of consensual sexual activity--sexual intercourse/penetrative sex, oral sex or any other sexual activity.

It's important to note: If your partner falls asleep during sleepy sex and you don't have consent to continue having sex, you must stop because now you're in nonconsensual territory which, as previously mentioned, is abusive, harmful and illegal.

Kinky Sex and Consensual Somnophilia

Consensual somnophilia does not involve sleepiness--it's actual sleep.  This is why consent by both people involved is so important because each person is consenting beforehand to have sex while they're asleep.

Usually consensual somnophilia involves sexual partners who already know each other well and trust one another. That means there's already an understanding of each person's sexual boundaries.

This type of consent is more of a blanket consent.  

For example, the receiving/submissive partner might say, "I really love when you initiate sex when I'm asleep. It makes me feel so sexually desirable. I trust you and give you permission to do it without having to ask me each time." 

Even with a blanket consent, there might be exceptions that the partners negotiate together. 

For instance, the partners might agree that if they had an argument before going to sleep or one or both of them is sick, these situations would be exceptions to the blanket consent.

Many people assume that consensual somnophilia in heterosexual relationships always involves a man in the dominant role who is initiating sex with a female partner who is in the submissive role. 

But this isn't always the case: Sometimes it involves a woman in the dominant role who can initiate sex with a sleeping male partner.  Or the partners can switch roles at various times.

The roles can also vary in LGBTQ relationships depending upon the preferences of the partners involved--just like it would with any kind or sex--kinky or conventional sex.

How to Talk to Your Partner About Consensual Somnophilia

If you have an interest in this kink, you can't just assume your partner will like it too.  

This is why it's so important to talk to your partner about it so you know if there is enthusiastic consent (see my articles: How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex - Part 1 and Part 2).

Talking to Your Partner About Sex

If you're the one who wants to try this kink, before you talk to your partner, think about what turns you on about it.  

For some people, who enjoy being in the dominant role, it's the idea of taking control during sex. For others, who like being in the submissive/receiving role, it's the feeling of being sexually desired by their partner.

If you and your partner are both into this kink, that's great and you can explore it.

But if your partner doesn't understand why you're interested in it, it's important for you to help them understand why it turns you on.

Talking to Your Partner About Sex

Sometimes after a reluctant partner understands why it's such a turn-on for you, they get turned on and become enthusiastic about it (or at least willing to try it).  

This can be especially true if it's an expansion of your sexual script (see my article: Understanding Your Sexual Script).

But if your partner isn't interested in consensual somnophilia, don't try to pressure them into doing it (see my article: How is Pressuring Your Partner Different From Consensual Sex?).

Instead of pressuring your partner, you need to graciously accept that this kink won't be part of what you do, but maybe your partner would be willing to talk about it as a sexual fantasy without actually engaging in this kink.  If not, find other pleasurably sexual activities that you can both enjoy.

Under all of these circumstances, communication is key to having a fulfilling sex life.

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy for individual adults or couples (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

Individuals and couples seek help in sex therapy for a variety of reasons (see my article: What Kind of Issues Are Discussed in Sex Therapy?).

There is no nudity, physical exams or sex during sex therapy sessions (see my article: What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a skilled sex therapist.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and people in relationships.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.