Creating Aliveness in Your Long Term Relationship

As a psychotherapist who works with individual adults and couples, I often meet with people in long term relationships where one person has a vibrant sense of aliveness and the other is more reserved.  

Creating Aliveness in Long Term Relationships

The livelier individual might have initially chosen the more reserved person because they represented safety and stability. This is especially true if the livelier person had a traumatic family background where there was a lot of instability in their family.

However, as time passes in their relationship and their life has stabilized together, the livelier individual's needs for stability has been satisfied and, as the years go by, this individual might yearn for their partner to be more alive and open to new experiences.

This situation is more likely to happen as the couple ages and the livelier partner realizes that time is passing. At that point, they might wonder, "Is this all there is to life?" and yearn for more from their partner and their relationship.

Yearning for more aliveness in their relationship, they might push the more reserved partner to be more exploratory to move out of their comfort zone.

For some reserved partners, all they need is a little encouragement and they can move out of their comfort zone and open up to new experiences. But many others remain stuck in their ways and their partner becomes increasingly dissatisfied over the years.

At that point, this couple might find themselves in my office with the livelier partner feeling resentful that their more reserved partner isn't meeting their current needs, and the reserved partner wondering why the status quo no longer satisfies the livelier partner.

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many cases, illustrates this kind of  mismatch and how couples therapy can help:

Cathy and Jack

Cathy and Jack were both in their early 60s, married for over 30 years and retired from successful careers. Their two adult children had long since moved away to other parts of the country.

Cathy was the one who initiated contact for couples therapy and Jack came somewhat reluctantly. When she talked about her family history, she described a chaotic family where, despite both parents having full time jobs, they were barely able to make ends meet. They were constantly getting eviction notices and there often wasn't enough food to eat. 

Due to their dire circumstances, Cathy knew from a young age she couldn't ask for new clothes or a new toy. She usually got hand-me-down clothes from her older siblings that was often too big, so she felt ashamed when she went to school with ill-fitting clothes. 

More importantly, Cathy's parents were so overwhelmed by their dire circumstances that they were too exhausted to be nurturing towards their children.

Jack's family history was very different. His parents were both successful professionals and the family lived in an upper middle class suburb. Although they appeared to be a happy family on the outside, there was emotional turmoil behind closed doors. The family secret that created the turmoil was Jack's father's drinking. 

Although he was regarded as a pillar in the community, Jack's father was a severe alcoholic behind closed doors. When he wasn't drinking, he could be a loving and engaged father with Jack, but as his drinking got worse over time, Jack's mother was frightened of her husband's drinking and she became increasingly passive as the years went by. So, Jack couldn't rely on either of his parents for nurturance and emotional support.

Jack never knew what to expect, so he learned to suppress his own emotional needs and became the golden child who always got excellent grades and tried to please his parents in every way he could.

Initially, when they met, Cathy admired how safe she felt with Jack. She knew she could rely on him through thick and thin--something she had never experienced in her chaotic family. Jack also admired Cathy's lively energy and how good he felt around her.

Their relationship went smoothly during the early years of their marriage, but as they approached retirement, Cathy felt increasingly dissatisfied with their relationship. She was acutely aware that the relationship felt stale. She wanted to travel more and experience as much of life as she could while they were both still in good health. But Jack preferred to stay home and maintain the same routine he had all of his adult life.

Not only did their existence feel monotonous to Cathy, but she grieved for their sex life which had been nonexistent for many years. For his part, Jack couldn't understand why Cathy felt so unhappy now. He wanted the two of them to get old together and he didn't mind if that meant sitting on their porch rocking chairs every day.

After Cathy gave Jack an ultimatum that either they get help in couples therapy or she would initiate divorce proceedings, Jack was shaken. Even though he had refused to attend couples therapy for years, he agreed to go at this point because he didn't want to lose Cathy.

Their couples therapist helped each of them to understand how their family backgrounds contributed to their personality development. 

Jack survived emotionally in his family by always being a "good boy" and never making waves. As Jack came to realize in his couples therapy, this meant the suppression of his personality. Keeping his head down and just getting through the day with his alcoholic father and passive mother became his unconscious survival strategy which continued into his adulthood--even though the danger was over and this survival strategy had outlived its usefulness.

Cathy survived emotionally in her family by suppressing her emotional needs and never allowing herself to want anything. She knew it would be hurtful to her parents if she expressed a desire for things they couldn't possibly give her so she developed her unconscious survival strategy of never asking for anything for herself--even during the early years of her marriage when she and her husband were financially successful.  

As they approached retirement, Cathy began to wonder what she might be missing in her life. Her best friend, Sara, was already enjoying her retirement years with her husband--traveling, taking new classes and exploring new ideas. Sara had even hinted to Cathy that she and her husband were having the best sex of their lives now that they had more time together without the stress of their careers.

When Cathy tried to talk to Jack about feeling bored and wanting to travel, he scoffed and dismissed her. Initially, she didn't have the courage to talk to Jack about reviving their sex life.

Once Cathy and Jack learned to improve their communication by breaking the negative cycle in their relationship, the next step was focusing on how to enliven their relationship.

Taking steps to enliven their relationship was exciting for Cathy, but it was frightening for Jack. He had spent most of his adult life suppressing his emotions as if he was still living at home with his alcoholic father. He didn't know if he could even allow himself to feel more alive.

During their couples therapy, Cathy learned to stop pressuring and criticizing Jack to be more alive because she realized that her pressure only made him withdraw more. 

Creating Aliveness in Long Term Relationships

Without the pressure, Jack and Cathy began to cultivate low-pressure aliveness: walks in nature, traveling and taking language classes together. Over time, Jack even agreed to take ballroom dance classes with Cathy which surprised both of them.

To revive their sex life, their couples therapist, who was also a certified sex therapist, asked them to start with nonsexual touch exercises called Sensate Focus where they started with the simple touch of hands, arms and other nonsexual areas of the body and progressed to more erotic touch over time.

Gradually, their sex life came alive in ways they both enjoyed. 

Conclusion

In couples sex therapy, the therapist gets full histories of family, relationship and sexual dynamics to understand the origin of the problems.

Individuals who come from impoverished backgrounds often unconsciously choose safety over aliveness initially in their relationship without even realizing it.

Individuals who come from families where there are dysfunctional dynamics, which include might include alcohol or drug abuse, often learn to be reserved to the point of suppressing aliveness.

What was once important in a relationship can change over time, especially as a couple ages and they consider what is important in life at a certain stage of their life. 

An awareness that time is passing and that there won't be as much time to enjoy life as there had been earlier in their relationship can lead to a reassessment of what each of them wants in life.

Couples therapy with a couples therapist who is also a sex therapist can help revive a couple to revive aliveness, including reviving their sex life, so that their relationship can be satisfying for both partners.

Get Help in Couples Therapy

If you and your partner have been unable to resolve your problems on your own, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who is a couples and sex therapist.

Get Help in Couples Therapy

If your problems include sexual issues, make sure your couples therapist is a certified sex therapist (most couples therapist aren't trained to work with sexual problems).

By getting help in couples therapy, you and your partner can have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, IFS, Somatic Experiencing and certified sex therapist.

I have helped many individual adults and couples over the years.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

I provide a 10-15 minute phone call prior to setting up an appointment.

You can reach me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or you can email me.

Also See My Articles:

Recapturing a Sense of Aliveness

The Paradox of Love and Desire in Committed Relationships

What is Your Erotic Blueprint?

What is Sex Therapy? 

What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?

Intent vs Impact: Understanding the Difference Between What You Meant and How Your Partner Actually Experienced It

The gap between intent and impact is one of the most common triggers for relationship conflict. While you might judge yourself by your internal motivation, your partner probably judges you by external actions and words.

What Are the Definitions of Intent and Impact?

Your Intent: Your internal motivation, purpose or meaning behind an action. It is completely invisible to your partner unless you explicitly state it.

Relationships: Intent vs Impact

Impact on Your Partner: The emotional reality of how your actions land on your partner. It is shaped by their unique perspective, emotional history and attachment needs.

Common Examples of Gaps Between Intent and Impact

• Your Intent (Internal): Offering solutions to help your partner solve a stressful work problem 
• Impact on Your Partner (External): Feeling dismissed, criticized or unheard when they just wanted emotional empathy (see my article: Improving Communication in Your Relationship: Does Your Partner Need to Be Helped, Heard or Hugged?).

• Your Intent (Internal): Gently teasing them about a quirky habit to spark playful connection
• Impact on Your Partner (External): Feeling mocked, torn down or insecure about their flaws

• Your Intent (Internal): Looking at your phone to gently decompress after a long stressful day
• Impact on Your Partner (External): Feeling ignored, rejected or lonely during a moment they wanted to connect with you and share

• Your Intent (Internal): Staying late at the office to make a work deadline and provide your relationship with financial stability
• Impact on Your Partner (External): Feeling deprioritized and abandoned during dinner

Why Does Prioritizing Intent Over Impact Cause Ruptures?

When a partner says, "You hurt my feelings", the usual defensive reaction is usually, "That's not what I meant!" or "You're taking it the wrong way!"

This approach actively damages the relationship because defending your intent invalidates their impact (see my article: What is Emotional Validation and Why Is It Such An Important Relationship Skill?).

To your partner, it sounds like an excuse that ignores and rewrites their emotional reality. 

When you prioritize your intention over their emotional pain, you communicate that being "right" is more important than their emotional safety.

How to Successfully Bridge the Gap Between Intent and Impact

To resolve the conflict, you must separate the clumsiness of the action from the goodness of the intent or motive:

• Acknowledge and Validate the Impact First: Before you tell your partner what you meant, acknowledge their emotional wound. Use statements like, "I can see that my comment really hurt you and I'm sorry for causing you to feel that way."

Relationships: Intent vs Impact

• Separate Intent From Impact: Once your partner feels emotionally safe and heard, gently introduce your original motivation without using it as an excuse, "My goal was to help fix the problem, but I see how that felt dismissive instead of supportive."

• Stay Curious and Not Defensive: Ask your partner open-ended questions like, "Can you tell me more about how that made you feel like that so I don't do it again in the future?"

• Adjust Future Behavior: True relational repair requires adapting your actions to match your intention. If your intent is love, your impact must eventually reflect love.

Get Help in Couples Therapy

Problems between intent and impact are common for many couples.

If the two of you have been unable to work out these issues on your own, you could benefit from working with a couples therapist who uses Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) For Couples).

Working with a skilled couples therapist can help you to learn new skills and develop a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT Couples Therapist, IFS, Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have helped many individual adults and couples over the years.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

I provide a free 10-15 minute phone call before setting up an appointment.

You can reach me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or you can email me.

Also See My Articles:

What Are the 4 Warning Signs Your Relationship Might Be in Trouble? 

Coping With Relationship Stress 

Getting Your Emotional Needs Met in Your Relationship

How to Navigate the 5 Relationship Stages

What is the Defense Mechanism Known As "Projection" and How Does It Affect Relationships?

What is the Defense Mechanism Called "Projection"?

Projection is an unconscious psychological defense mechanism where a person attributes their own unacceptable thoughts, feelings, behavior, motives or character traits onto someone else.

What is Projection?

The projection acts as a shield for the person's ego. Instead of confronting uncomfortable truths about their own behavior, feelings and other uncomfortable truths (including feelings of guilt, shame, emotional insecurity or anger), the person who projects externalizes them so that, in their own mind, these problems belong to the other person.

This concept was originally developed in psychoanalytic and psychodynamic theories and most depth-oriented therapists today recognize projection when it's happening in the therapy session, when couples use it in couples therapy or when individual adult clients talk about it in terms of their relationships outside of therapy.

What is Projection?

Defense mechanisms are categorized in a hierarchy ranging from "primitive" (also called "early" or "immature" if the person is an adult) to "mature". The categorization is based on when the person developed the defense mechanism and how they distort reality.

Why is Projection Considered a "Primitive Defense"?

When adults use projection as a defense mechanism, it is considered to be on the primitive end of the defense mechanism spectrum for several important reasons:

• 1. Early Development Origin: As previously mentioned, defenses are categorized on a spectrum. The early developmental defenses, like projection, are the mind's earliest boundary-making tools. Projection usually develops in early childhood before a child has the emotional and cognitive capacities to process complex internal conflicts. Projection is also considered a primitive defense because it develops when a child is still learning to differentiate "me" from "not me" (i.e., their internal world vs their external world).

• 2. A Gross Distortion of Reality: Adults with higher level, more mature defense mechanisms (rationalization, intellectualization and so on) accept reality, but they might reframe it. This is in contrast to how primitive defenses actually alter the way a person perceives reality. Projection forces a severe distortion: The individual completely misperceives an internal truth as an external threat. This fundamentally alters their view of another person's intentions or character.

• 3. All-or-Nothing Thinking: Primitive defenses, like projection, operate on binary all-or-nothing thinking. With projection, the person's ego cannot tolerate what they perceive as a "bad" trait within the inner world, so they project the trait or behavior externally. This lack of nuance is the hallmark of primitive psychological functioning (see my article: Overcoming All-or-Nothing Thinking).

Common Examples of Projection

• Relationship Insecurity: Without realizing it, someone who is feeling like they would like to end their relationship because they cannot tolerate the relationship problems often uses projection. This is especially true when the problems they bring to the relationship feel intolerable. So, instead of owning and taking responsibility for their own thoughts and feelings, they accuse their partner of wanting to end the relationship. Another example: If someone is cheating, they accuse their partner of cheating or wanting to cheat.

What is Projection?

• Workplace Hostility: An employee who dislikes another coworker might tell others, "That person hates me". They convert what they are feeling, which is, "I don't like that person" into "They don't like me."

• Bullying and Insecurity: A person who criticizes others for being "weak" or "stupid" is often projecting their own deep-seated insecurities onto others.

Why Do Adults Use Projection as a Defense Mechanism?

Projection is unconscious, as I mentioned before, so it's not usually done maliciously. It often happens for specific psychological reasons:

• Reducing Anxiety and Stress: It's very difficult for a person who uses projection to face their own worst traits. Unconsciously shifting these uncomfortable thoughts, feelings  and traits onto a "scapegoat" relieves the immediate internal pressure because the traits have been externalized.

• Protecting Self Esteem: Projection allows an individual to maintain a positive self image by denying their own worst traits and habits.

• Avoiding Accountability: By focusing on the perceived faults of others, the person avoids taking responsibility for their own problems.

• Personality Disorders and Early Trauma: Projection is heavily associated with narcissistic personality disorder, paranoid personality disorder and avoidant personality disorder. It is also associated with early unresolved trauma. Note: Just because someone uses projection as a defense mechanism doesn't necessarily mean they have a personality disorder, but there is a high association between projection and personality disorders. However, if someone uses projection, they usually have early unresolved childhood trauma, which is called developmental trauma. Projection develops during early childhood and for many people it continues into adulthood if they don't get help in therapy.

How Does Projection Affect Relationships?

Projection acts like a psychological shield when the person projecting shifts internal insecurities onto a partner. This damages trust and communication in the relationship.

Projection damages relationships because it:

• Creates False Accusations: Example: A person accuses their partner of trying to control them instead of dealing with their own controlling behavior towards their partner.

• Erodes Mutual Trust: Baseless accusations makes the other person feel targeted and unsafe. Over time, the accused partner stops sharing thoughts and feelings to avoid conflict. 

What is Projection?

• Blocks Real Conflict Resolution: Arguments center on the imagined behavior instead of the actual root issue. The person who is projecting refuses to acknowledge their problem so conflicts aren't resolved and the couple keeps arguing about the same issues over and over again without resolution.

• Causes Emotional Exhaustion: The accused partner keeps defending themselves against baseless and unfair accusations. This cycle drains energy, leads to deeper resentment and perpetuates the same ongong cycle. This usually happens if the person who is projecting doesn't get help in psychotherapy with a qualified therapist.

• Triggers Reality Distortion: The projecting partner truly believes their distorted thinking, feeling and perception of reality, which is distorted. This dynamic can cause the accused partner to question their own sense of reality if they allow the projecting partner to overcome their sense of reality.

Breaking the Cycle of Using Projection as a Defense Mechanism

Since projection is unconscious and develops at a very early age, it can't be resolved without professional help in therapy.

Working with an experienced psychotherapist who understands the unconscious nature of projection (not all therapists are trained to understand projection) can help an accusing individual to pause and look at their own dynamic--before they accuse their partner.

A skilled psychotherapist can help to uncover and address deeply hidden insecurities that are at the root of using projection. She can also help an individual to develop other higher functioning ways of interacting with others, including intimate partners. 

The work isn't quick or easy because projection is a deeply ingrained defense mechanism that is used from early childhood into adulthood. A person who uses projection must be motivated to change and stick with the therapy.

The challenge is that people who use projection often go from one therapist to another because they use projection to defend against the therapist and the therapy. This means they blame the therapist--in the same way as they use projection with others.

Consequently, a licensed mental health must know how to work in a way that feels relatively safe for the client and, at the same time, gently helps the client to make unconscious projection conscious. 

That is the first step. After developing awareness of how the client uses projection, they need to be willing to take steps to change, which is also challenging because of their internal fragility.

For a client who is psychologically fragile, which includes people who use projection, the therapist needs do a thorough assessment, including assessing the client's window of tolerance and help the client to develop the necessary internal resources and coping skills to deal with making these changes.

Unfortunately, most people who use projection never seek help in therapy and they remain stuck in their negative cycle.

Get Help in Therapy

If you use projection as your defense mechanism, you risk placing your relationships with others, especially your intimate relationship, in jeopardy.

What is Projection?

Although it might not be easy to accept that you're using a primitive defense mechanism from early childhood, using projection and damaging your relationships is much worse.

You can learn about yourself and transform in therapy with a therapist who has an expertise in helping clients with primitive defense mechanisms. This can help you to live a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing, IFS Parts Work, EFT Couples Therapist and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have helped many individual adults and couples over the years.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

I provide a free 10-15 minute phone call before I set up an appointment.

You can reach me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or you can email me.

Also See My Articles:

IFS Therapy is a Gentle, Evidence-Based Therapy

How to Develop a Curious Mindset

Overcoming Trauma: You're Not Defined By What Happened to You

Developmental Trauma: Living in the Present As If You Were in the Past

Understanding Traumatizing Narcissists and DARVO (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender)

Riding the Waves of Transformation

What is the Difference Between Setting Healthy Boundaries and Putting Up Walls?

I have written about setting healthy boundaries and putting up defensive walls in prior articles (see links for these articles at the end of this article).

What is the Difference Between Setting Healthy Boundaries and Putting Up Walls?

People often confuse healthy boundaries and putting up walls, so let's explore the difference between the two.

Setting Healthy Boundaries vs Putting Up Walls

The primary difference is that healthy boundaries are meant to protect connection between two or more people and putting up walls prevents connection.

The description below is a comparison between the two:

Core Motivation

• Healthy Boundaries: Self respect and love
• Putting Up Walls: Fear and self preservation

Communication

• Healthy Boundaries: Boundaries are explicit and clear
• Putting Up Walls: Walls are silent withdrawal or shutting down emotionally

Flexibility

• Healthy Boundaries: Permeable, situational and adaptive
• Putting Up Walls: Rigid, static and absolute

Relational Goal

• Healthy Boundaries: Show others where the "door" is
• Putting Up Walls: Lock others out indiscriminately

Personal Outcome

• Healthy Boundaries: Closeness, peace and security
• Putting Up Walls: isolation, loneliness and hypervigilance

Let's take a look at each one individually:

Healthy Boundaries

• Driven By Self Respect: Boundaries define what is okay and what is not based on your values, comfort level and energy.

• The "Doorway" Concept: A boundary acts as a "door' with instructions. It lets people know exactly how they can interact and achieve emotional intimacy with you. 

• Highly Communicative: Boundaries are explicitly defined. An example would be, "I want to talk about this, but I need us to speak calmly. If either of us raises our voices, I'm going to step away for 20 minutes to cool down before I come back and we resume our discussion."

• Context-Dependent: Boundaries can shift depending on trust, safety and the specific person involved.

Putting Up Walls

• Driven By Fear: Walls are defensive barriers which are often related to unresolved psychological wounds or, possibly, exhaustion.

Setting Healthy Boundaries vs Putting Up Walls

• Total Blockage: Instead of regulating the flow of the relationship, walls shut the external world out. Putting up walls assumes that vulnerability equals danger.

• Shutdown: Walls rarely come with clear, healthy communication. They can manifest as the "silent treatment", emotional coldness, ghosting or stonewalling

• Rigid and Indiscriminate: A wall implies a blanket rule for everyone. For example, "Everyone always let me down, so I'm never opening up to anyone."

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many different cases, illustrates how someone can learn to take down their wall and learn to set healthy boundaries:

Eric

After a woman he was dating, Paula, told Eric that she found him hard to get to know because of the rigid walls he maintained, Eric decided to seek help in therapy to work on this issue. 

Other women had told him the same thing in the past and, since he really liked Paula, he knew his relationship with her wouldn't work out if he continued to be defensive.

Initially, Eric sought help in cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) because he wanted quick tools for overcoming his problem. 

But, even after Eric developed insight in CBT into his problems and learned tools and strategies to open up, he didn't feel any more comfortable opening up (see my article: Healing From the Inside Out: Why Insight Isn't Enough).

Realizing that insight wasn't enough, Eric asked his friends to find about other types of therapy options he try and his closest friend suggested that he try one of the Experiential Therapies (see my article: What is the Difference Between "Top Down" and "Bottom Up" Approaches to Therapy?).

After Eric looked around, he began working with an Experiential Therapist who did IFS (Internal Family Systems) Therapy which is also known as Parts Work Therapy or Ego States Therapy.

Eric immediately noticed the difference. He and his IFS therapist worked on a much deeper level to help him understand why he kept walls up in his relationships with women and, more importantly, how he could learn to take down the walls and develop healthy boundaries.

IFS therapy didn't turn out to be the "quick fix" Eric hoped for, but he was gradually making progress which Paula noticed. He was able to communicate with her in a more open and flexible way. As a result, their relationship deepened and grew.

He also worked through the unresolved complex trauma that caused him to build walls with women in the first place.

Eric also learned to distinguish when he was safe with others and when he needed to set firmer boundaries. For instance, he learned to set firmer boundaries with certain family members who tended to say hurtful things to him and he felt proud of himself for that.

Conclusion

Many people confuse setting healthy boundaries with putting up walls.

Putting up walls is often the result of unresolved trauma.

Change happens on an emotional level which is why traditional talk therapy often doesn't resolve trauma (see my article: Why is Experiential Therapy More Effective Than Traditional Talk Therapy?).

Experiential therapy, which includes IFS, EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing as well as other similar therapies, can help you to go beyond just developing insight so that you can make significant emotional and psychological changes in your life.

Getting Help in Experiential Therapy

If you are struggling in your relationships because you tend to put up walls, you could benefit from working with an Experiential Therapist.

Getting Help in Experiential Therapy

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who is an Experiential Therapist so you can have healthier relationships and have live a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, IFS, Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist

I have helped many individual adults and couples over the years.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

I provide a free 10-15 minute phone conversation before I set up a first appointment.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

Setting Healthy Boundaries in Relationships 

Overcoming Share in an Enmeshed Family 

What Are the Unspoken Expectations Between Some Mothers and Adult Daughters? 

Setting Boundaries With Family Members Who Want to Interfere in Your Relationship 

Emotional Numbing: The Wall That Once Protected You Now Imprisons You

How Therapy Can Help You With the Walls You Have Built Around Yourself  

 

What Are 4 Warning Signs Your Relationship Could Be in Trouble?

Many couples who seek help in couples therapy wait until the relationship is in serious trouble or they are one step away from ending the relationship.

Problems in a Relationship

Most long term relationships usually don't end because of one argument. On the contrary, they usually end due to the repetition of the same issues that don't change: Feeling unseen, unheard, misunderstood and stuck in a negative cycle.

Although all long term relationships have their ups and downs, there are specific patterns of behavior that indicate deep trouble. These include:

1. Communication Problems

There are certain communication problems that often precede the breakup of a long term relationship:

• Stonewalling: One or both people in the relationship shutdown, withdraw or refuse to engage during discussions (see my article: Are You a Stonewaller in Your Relationship?)

• Extreme Defensiveness: Feedback is met with excuses or counter-attacks rather than active listening and responding (see my article: Responding Instead of Reacting).

Communication Problems in a Relationship

• Off Limit Topics: One of both partners avoid talking about certain important issues due to fear of the other partner's response.

• Passive Aggressive Hinting: Dropping subtle (and not so subtle) clues or making sarcastic remarks instead of expressing needs directly and clearly.

2. Emotional Distance: Emotional distance often develops and grows over time in relationships that are in trouble:

• Living Like Roommates: Although you share a physical space, you no longer share your thoughts, feelings, vulnerabilities, hopes and dreams or even talk about the highlights of your day.

Emotional Disconnection in a Relationship

• Fading or Absent Physical Intimacy: Physical intimacy declines over time and might be absent for months or years. There is no sexual or non-sexual expressions of affection--no holding hands, no hugs or cuddling (see my article: Have You and Your Partner Stopped Having Sex?).

• Feeling Relief During Absence: Feeling a sense of relief and peace during times when you are apart.

• Intentionally Withholding: Intentionally withholding time, affection, interest and, possibly, withholding financial openness as a tool to punish a partner.

3. Chronic, Unhealthy Conflict

This might include:

• "Looping" Arguments: Having the same conflict over and over again without ever reaching a compromise or solution (see my article: Breaking the Negative Cycle in Your Relationship).

Chronic Conflict in a Relationship

• The Relationship Scorecard: Continually bringing up old mistakes to blame your partner and try to "win" current arguments (see my article: How to Stop Keeping Score in Your Relationship).

• Personalized Attacks: Shifting from discussing a partner's current particular behavior to attacking your partner's character.

• Lack of Repair After Conflict; Ruptures and arguments happen frequently, but neither partner steps forward to apologize or to genuinely try to heal the emotional wound.

4. Toxic and Controlling Behavior

These might include:

• Holding the Relationship Commitment Hostage: Threatening a breakup or divorce over minor, every day disagreements as a way to manipulate the other person.

Toxic and Controlling Behavior in a Relationship

• Walking on Eggshells: Constantly monitoring your own behavior, words and tone to avoid triggering a partner's anger.

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many cases, illustrates the long term relationship can decline over time and how couples therapy can help:

Jane and Peter

During the early stage of their relationship, Jane and Peter had a happy, passionate relationship. 

Two years after they met, they got married and both of them developed busy careers.  Initially, they made sure to make time for each other on the weekends, but over the years, as ongoing conflicts developed, they stopped prioritizing their relationship and spent less time together.

Peter resented Jane's close relationship with her sister. He felt that Jane was constantly trying to solve her sister's problems. But when he complained to her about it, Jane refused to talk about it. After a while, as his resentment grew, Peter resorted to making sarcastic remarks to Jane whenever she got together with her sister. Inwardly, he was hurting, but he didn't know how to express his wounded feelings.

Jane resented Peter's long hours at work. She knew Peter didn't want to hear her complain about the time he spent at work, so she seethed inwardly. Sometimes she made caustic remarks ("I think you must be having an affair with someone at work"), but rather than addressing her complaints, Peter stonewalled and spent most of his time in his home office. Underneath her anger and resentment, Jane really missed spending time with Peter, but she felt too vulnerable to tell him this.

Problems in a Relationship

Several years later, they both felt lonely in their relationship. They were co-existing in the same New York City apartment as if they were roommates. They hadn't had sex in years and they were no longer physically affectionate with one another. Even though they still loved each other, they hadn't expressed love for one another in years.

Their biggest problem was their emotional disconnection, but neither of them felt comfortable enough to bring that up, so they had ongoing arguments about money instead. Peter accused Jane of spending too much money and Jane accused Peter of being cheap.

When Peter planned to be away on a business trip for a few days, he sensed that Jane was relieved that he wouldn't be around. On the surface, he was aware of being angry, but deep down he felt sad and hurt.

When Peter returned from his business trip, he could feel Jane's resentment. After a while, he felt overwhelmed by the problems between them and he told her, "I don't even know why we're together. If things don't get better between us, I think we should get a divorce."

Jane felt shaken by Peter's threat of divorce. She wanted to talk to him, but she was afraid of being rebuffed by him. Later that day when she saw her sister, Jane was in tears. She knew things were bad in her marriage, but she couldn't believe Peter was threatening divorce.

Jane's sister told her that when her close friend had marital problems, she sought help from an Emotionally Focused Couples Therapist (EFT) and they were making progress.

After Jane got the name of the EFT therapist, she took a deep breath and spoke to Peter about it. To her surprise, he listened to her and admitted that he would like to try to work on their relationship.

Their EFT couples therapist helped them to identify the recurring negative cycle in their relationship and provided them with tools and strategies to overcome this cycle.

Since their problems were long-standing and entrenched, the work was neither quick nor easy, but they made steady progress over time.

Their couples therapist was also a certified sex therapist, so after Jane and Peter worked through their emotional disconnection and recurring arguments, they made progress on improving their sex life.

Conclusion

Many couples wait until their relationship is in serious trouble before they seek help.

Like most difficult problems, relationship problems are easier to solve when problems first develop--before they become entrenched.

Get Help in Couples Therapy

If you and your partner have been struggling with relationship problems, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who is a couples therapist.

Get Help in Couples Therapy

If your problems include sexual issues, seek help from a couples therapist who is also a certified sex therapist (not all couples therapists are trained to deal with sexual problems).

A skilled couples therapist can help you to work through your issues so you can have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, IFS/Parts Work, EFT couples therapist, Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have helped many individual adults and couples over the years.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

I provide a free 10-15 minute call before setting up an appointment.

To contact me, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.