Understanding Why An Emotional Block Might Be Preventing You From Crying

If you have ever felt like your tears of sadness are "stuck", you know the frustration of feeling an emotional block (also known as emotional numbing). This often happens when your nervous system feels overwhelmed and enters into a self-protective "freeze" response.

Trauma Responses: The Freeze Response

You might feel the intense pressure of a lump in your throat, but your mind perceives this type crying as a potential threat to your emotional survival and safety. This "freeze" response is known as a trauma response. 

What Are the Reasons Why Your Tears Might Feel "Stuck"?

• Your Nervous System "Freeze" Response: When you experience prolonged stress or intense trauma, your sympathetic nervous system (SNS) can become overloaded. Instead of triggering a fight-or-flight response, your body reacts with a survival mechanism called dissociation (also known as a dorsal vagal shutdown).  Your brain reduces the intensity of your emotions to protect you from being overwhelmed by them. This response acts like a "circuit breaker" that cuts off power to your tear ducts (see my article: What is Trauma-Related Dissociation?)

Trauma Responses: The Freeze Response 

• Emotional Exhaustion and Burnout: Crying is an active biological process that requires emotional energy. If you have been trying to "hold it together" for months or even years, your emotional reserves can become depleted. The sadness is there, but your body might not have the stamina to release the tears.

Emotional Exhaustion and Burnout

• Unconscious Conditioning and Safety Walls: If you grew up in a household where there were rules that you shouldn't cry or you were punished for showing emotional vulnerability, these experiences can teach your brain to suppress tears. If you might ahve been given the message that you had to be "independent" when you were a child so you had to keep your emotions suppressed. In addition, forcing yourself to "power through" can leave you with no room to pause, soften, feel your feelings and cry.  

Being Scolded For Crying as a Child?

• Mental Health Conditions: Even though depression is usually associated with sadness, it frequently shows up as emotional blunting or anhedonia. This can make you experience your feelings as "flat" which makes tears inaccessible.

How to Safely Release Blocked Emotions in Experiential Therapy

You can't force an emotional release by trying to force yourself to cry because when you put that kind of pressure on yourself, your nervous system tightens up even more. In order for you release pent up emotions, you need to have a sense of safety so your body can gently release the emotions.

When you are dealing with "stuck" emotions, traditional talk therapy can be too much of an intellectual process that keeps you in your head. You might gain intellectual insight into your problems, but you don't get an emotional release.

The most effective therapies for processing trauma and releasing "stuck" emotions are mind-body oriented therapies, also known as Experiential Therapies (see my article: Why is Experiential Therapy More Effective For Healing Trauma Than Traditional Talk Therapy?).

The following are some of the main types of Experiential Therapy:

• Somatic Experiencing (SE): SE was developed by Dr. Peter Levine. SE treats emotional numbness as trapped survival energy from past stress or trauma. An SE therapist helps you to slow down so you can track subtle sensations (warmth, tingling, tightness) rather than asking you to only talk about what you're experiencing. By slowly introducing small amounts of "stuck" energy at a time (a process called "titration" in SE), your nervous system gently "thaws out" of its freeze response without becoming overwhelmed (see my article:  What Are the Benefits of SE to Heal Trauma?).

Somatic Experiencing Therapy

• Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR): While EMDR is usually associated with the bilateral stimulation process it uses, it is deeply rooted in how the body stores distressing memories. During the processing phase of EMDR, you focus on a particular memory or, if you are stuck in a freeze response, you focus on the physical feeling of numbness and where you feel it in the body. Then you follow either a physical or tactile bilateral stimulus. EMDR can help you to process "stuck" emotional information. Over time, this can lead to a somatic discharge like crying or a deep sense of physical relief when your body and mind feel safe enough to do it (see my article: How Does EMDR Therapy Work: EMDR and the Brain).

EMDR Therapy

• Internal Family Systems (IFS) Parts Work Therapy: In IFS an inability to cry due to a trauma-related freeze response is viewed as a protective strategy rather than a "broken" emotional system.  From an IFS perspective, this freeze response shields you from being overwhelmed by grief, fear or overwhelming sadness. In traditional psychotherapy the freeze response is often viewed as a symptom to eliminate, but in IFS the freeze response is appreciated as a protective aspect of the client. An IFS therapist uses the process called "unblending" to help the client to step away from the freeze response so that they can access Core Self, which is a part that is compassionate and curious to get to the underlying emotional wound that the emotional numbing protects (see my article: IFS Therapy is a Gentle Evidence-Based Trauma Therapy).

IFS Parts Work Therapy

• Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy (AEDP): An AEDP therapist treats the freeze response with a safe relational environment that gently helps to "thaw out" the nervous system. One of AEDP's primary goals is to "undo aloneness" where the therapist uses attachment-oriented affirmation ("I am here with you" or "We are doing this together") to build a secure base. When the brain registers true relational safety, the nervous system naturally begins to release it's survival-driven emotional numbing. The AEDP therapist also uses moment-to-moment tracking of the client's somatic cues. She will bring awareness to these somatic cues ("I notice that your jaw seems tight" or "I notice that your breath seems shallow. Can we slow down so we can see what's happening there?" Similar to IFS, AEDP recognizes that emotional numbing was once an adaptive defense when it wasn't possible to express emotions. So, she helps the client to process the emotional numbing. When the client begins to "thaw" from the emotional numbing, the therapist shares the emotional burden, validating the client's feelings and keeping the client anchored within their "window of tolerance" so that this energy can be discharged in a way that is manageable for the client (see my article: What is AEDP and How Does It Heal Trauma?).

What Are the Benefits of Integrating Experiential Therapies Like EMDR, IFS, AEDP and SE?

When an Experiential Therapist integrates EMDR, IFS, AEDP and SE (or any combination of these therapies), it means she is practicing an integrative trauma-informed "bottom up" approach to healing trauma.

Rather than using an intellectual top-down approach of talking about trauma conceptually, as would be done in traditional psychotherapy, the Experiential Therapist targets how trauma is held in the mind and in the nervous system. 

By using a combination of Experiential Therapy, the trauma therapist builds a complete plan that addresses the cognitive, emotional, relational and physical layers of your trauma. 

Get Help in Experiential Therapy

Whereas traditional psychotherapy is a "top down" approach, Experiential Therapies are a  "bottom up" approach to healing trauma.

Get Help in Experiential Therapy

The bottom-up approach of Experiential Therapy is often more effective than a top-down approach because because trauma, intense anxiety and emotional stress are stored in the lower brain regions and the autonomic nervous system which rational thoughts and traditional talk therapy cannot access.

If you are struggling with unresolved trauma, seek help in Experiential Therapy so you can heal your trauma and lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), IFS, Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have helped many individual adults and couples over the years.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

EMDR Therapy - When Talk Therapy Isn't Enough 

Somatic Experiencing - A Mind-Body Oriented Therapy to Heal Trauma 

AEDP: How Does AEDP Process Emotions? 

IFS: How Are Emotions Processed in IFS Parts Work Therapy? 

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy: What Are Traumatic Memories?

People who seek help in trauma therapy often want to know how traumatic memories differ from standard memories.

What Are Traumatic Memories?

Let's start by defining traumatic memories.

Traumatic Memories

Traumatic memories are vivid, deeply distressing recollections of overwhelming or life threatening experiences.

Unlike regular autobiographical memories, the brain processes and stores traumatic memories as a separate cognitive entity as compared to standard past narratives.

How Are Traumatic Memories Different From Standard Memories?

Ordinary memories function like a cohesive story with a clear beginning, middle and end. However, when a traumatic event occurs, the brain's survival mechanisms alter how the information is stored in the brain:

• Lack of Narrative Structure: Traumatic memories are often highly fragmented, disorganized or temporarily missing from conscious recollection.

• Sensory-Heavy Integration: Traumatic memories are often intensely loaded with sensory data. You might remember a specific smell, a sharp sound, a visual fragment, but you might lose track of the timeline or context.

• The Current Experience: A standard unpleasant memory is recalled as a past experience. However, certain traumatic memories feel like they are happening now rather than being something that occurred in the past. When this occurs, you can feel like you're being emotionally hijacked in the moment--even though it's a memory from the past (see my article: What is Emotional Hijacking?).

How Do Traumatic Memories Manifest?

Because traumatic memories are often stored dynamically in the nervous system, they can surface in certain distinct ways:

• Intrusive Flashbacks: You might have intrusive flashbacks where you have a sudden, involuntary re-experiencing of the event triggered by everyday sights, sounds or smells that are similar to the original trauma.

Traumatic Memories

• Somatic/Bodily Memories: The body can retain physical tension, chronic pain, a racing heart or gastrointestinal distress when you are triggered. This can occur even if you are not consciously thinking about the trauma. 

• Emotional Flashbacks: You might experience a sudden emotional wave of intense fear, helplessness, anger, shame or despair that feels completely disproportionate to your current safe surroundings (see my article: What Are Emotional Flashbacks?).

• Nightmares: Repetitive, disturbing dreams can replay certain aspects of the traumatic event.

How Can You Heal From Traumatic Memories?

Traumatic memories are often "stuck" in a raw, "unmetabolized" state and traditional talk therapy usually isn't sufficient to process these memories.

Trauma therapies are specifically designed to help the brain move the fragments out of survival mode and integrate them into standard autobiographical memory. 

Common evidence-based trauma therapy include:

• EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing): EMDR uses bilateral stimulation to help with processing traumatic memories so these memories lose their charge (see my article: How Does EMDR Therapy Work?).

Traumatic Memories

• SE (Somatic Experiencing): SE focuses on releasing the traumatic energy trapped in the nervous system (see my article: What is Somatic Experiencing?).

Traumatic Memories

• IFS (Internal Family Systems Parts Work Therapy): Traumatic memories are healed by establishing a compassionate internal relationship between your Core Self and the wounded parts of your psyche. This gentle, non-pathologizing approach treats trauma as a system of protective and wounded internal parts of you (see my article: What is Internal Family Systems (IFS) Parts Work Therapy?).

Traumatic Memories

• AEDP (Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy): AEDP heals traumatic memories by processing overwhelming emotions within a safe therapeutic relationship to rewire the brain's trauma response (see my article: What is AEDP and How Does It Heal Trauma?).

Get Help in Trauma Therapy

If you are experiencing emotional trauma, waiting to get help in trauma therapy can cause the trauma to become more entrenched. This can lead to more severe psychological, physical and relational complications over time.

Get Help in Trauma Therapy

Rather than waiting or struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who is a trauma therapist so you can overcome your trauma and live a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), IFS, Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

As a trauma therapist, I have helped many individual adults and couples over the years.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

Reacting to Your Present Circumstances Based on Your Traumatic Past

What is Complex Trauma? 

What is the Difference Between Trauma and Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)? 

How Can Unresolved Trauma Affect Your Relationship? 

 

How Does Experiential Therapy Achieve Psychological Breakthroughs?

In my prior article, How is Experiential Therapy Different Than Traditional Talk Therapy?, I began a discussion about why Experiential Therapy is more effective than traditional talk therapy.

Experiential Therapy Achieves Breakthroughs

In the current article, I'm focusing on how Experiential Therapy achieves psychological breakthroughs.

First, it's important to understand what types of therapies come under the umbrella of Experiential Therapy.

Experiential Therapies includes many mind-body oriented therapies such as:

• EMDR - Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing

• Somatic Experiencing - also known as SE

• AEDP - Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy

• IFS - Internal Family Systems Parts Work Therapy

• EFT - Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples

How Does Experiential Therapy Achieve Psychological Breakthroughs?

Experiential Therapy achieves psychological breakthroughs by:

• Bypassing the Analytic Mind: Many clients are very good at "talking about" their problems without being in touch with how they feel. This is especially true for clients who have had prior therapy. Experiential therapy uses the mind-body connection so that therapy isn't just an intellectualized experience. Instead, clients can get to the root of their problems in a more effective way by getting to unconscious issues rather than remaining on an intellectual level.

Experiential Therapy Achieves Breakthroughs

• Engaging Somatic Memories: Trauma and chronic stress are stored in the nervous system rather than just in the logical mind. Rather than focusing only on what the client thinks, an Experiential therapist emphasizes body awareness. Instead of only asking, "What do you think?", the Experiential therapist will ask, "What do you feel and where do you feel it in your body?" This helps the client to have a felt sense of their problems. This felt sense can release trapped physical tension and stress. 

• Memory Consolidation: A breakthrough requires updating old neural scripts. In Experiential therapy the brain updates the old memory with new adaptive information with the help of the therapist.

• Emotional Catharsis: Psychological shifts often require an emotional release. Examples of this include: Expressing long suppressed anger, grief and shame. 

Psychological Breakthroughs With Experiential Therapy

Rather than just gaining only an intellectual insight into their problems, clients experience a felt shift.  They can rewrite their emotional scripts through action (see my article: Healing From the Inside Out: Why Insight Isn't Enough to Heal).

Experiential Therapy Achieves Breakthroughs

For example, instead of just understanding their childhood trauma, they experience a felt sense of what has held them back and what has shifted for them in Experiential Therapy in an embodied way. This somatic and emotional alignment changes their internal representation of their world which leads to psychological and behavioral change.

Get Help in Experiential Therapy

If you have been struggling with unresolved problems and traditional therapy has been unhelpful, consider working with a licensed mental health professional who is an Experiential therapist.

The psychological breakthroughs can lead to a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have helped many individual adults and couples over the years.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Article:

Why is Experiential Therapy More Effective Than Traditional Talk Therapy? 

How is Experiential Psychotherapy Different From Traditional Talk Therapy?

What is Experiential Psychotherapy?

Experiential therapy is an active, bottom-up approach to psychological healing where you focus on what you are feeling in your body and mind in the present moment rather than just talking about it in an intellectual way. 

Experiential Therapy is More Effective Than Traditional Therapy

Whereas traditional talk therapy focuses primarily on logical thinking and cognitive insight, experiential therapy uses the mind-body connection to actively process unresolved trauma, emotional pain and defense mechanisms at their root. 

What Are the Characteristics of Experiential Psychotherapy?

Experiential therapy have four basic characteristics that distinguishes it from traditional psychotherapy (like cognitive behavioral therapy):

• Present Moment Tracking: Experiential therapists guide you to observe real-time physical sensations, physiological shifts and emotions as they surface during therapy sessions.

• Bottom-Up Processing: Healing begins in the nervous system and the emotional centers of the brain (the body's "felt sense") before being integrated into logical, conscious thoughts (see my article: What is the Difference Between a Bottom-Up and a Top-Down Approach to Therapy?).

Experiential Therapy is More Effective Than Traditional Therapy

• Safety and Containment: Experiential therapy prioritizes clinical safety to keep you from feeling overwhelmed.

• Neuroplastic Transformation: In experiential therapy, your brain physically updates and rewrites its automatic emotional scripts. This is a process called memory reconsolidation (see my article: Neuroplasticity: The Mind Has an Innately Powerful Ability to Heal Itself).

3 Popular Experiential Therapies: AEDP, EMDR and IFS

• AEDP stands for Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy (see my article: What is AEDP?)

• EMDR stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (see my article: What is EMDR Therapy?).

• IFS stands for Internal Family Systems, which is a type of Parts Work Therapy (see my article: IFS is a Gentle Evidence-Based Therapy).

Primary Focus

• AEDP focuses on emotional transformation through a deeply connected therapeutic relationship with the AEDP therapist.

Experiential Therapy is More Effective Than Traditional Therapy

• EMDR focuses on processing and neutralizing traumatic memories stored in the nervous system.

• IFS focuses on harmonizing the different "parts" (subpersonalities) that make up your inner world.

Primary Experiential Technique

• AEDP involves relational processing and "undoing aloneness." The AEDP therapist actively displays warmth, affirmation and shared emotions so you can process emotional pain and trauma followed by metaprocessing (reflecting on the healing process itself). AEDP is often used to process relational trauma, chronic isolation, deep grief and healing attachment wounds.

Experiential Therapy is More Effective Than Traditional Therapy

• EMDR uses Bilateral Stimulation (BLS), including tapping, eye movements and other forms to BLS. While using BLS, the client holds a distressing memory in their mind to stimulate both sides of the brain. This helps to open up associative memories, insights and mental health integration. EMDR is frequently used to heal acute trauma, PTSD (posttraumatic stress disorder) and disturbing memories. 

• IFS involves clients closing their eyes and sensing into their body and mind to find various parts of themselves that are protector parts (like an inner critic or an anxious part), learn it's positive intent and locate your Core Self to heal vulnerable traumatized parts.  

Conclusion

Experiential therapy is highly effective if you feel "stuck in your head." 

The three Experiential Therapies discussed in this article are some of the most commonly used therapies. Other types of Experiential Therapy also include:

• Somatic Experiencing

• Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples (EFT)

• Hypnotherapy (also known as Clinical Hypnosis)

I see many clients who have spent years in traditional talk therapy who can explain their problem in an insightful way. They know why they have problems, but nothing has changed for them. This is because insight alone doesn't create change.  

Experiential Therapy is More Effective Than Traditional Therapy

These clients are still feeling, thinking and behaving in the same way they did before they began traditional talk therapy (see my article: Healing From the Inside Out: Why Insight Isn't Enough).

The bottom-up approach to Experiential Therapy creates a physiological foundation for clients. Processing emotions in Experiential Therapy is more effective than just talking about them in traditional talk therapy because Experiential Therapy alters the underlying neural and memory networks that generate emotional suffering instead of just temporarily managing systems.

Whereas talking about emotions keeps clients in an analytical, intellectual state, fully processing emotions in Experiential Therapy involves actively feeling, experiencing and restructuring within the mind and the body. This shift from cognitive processing to experiential processing is what drives lasting behavioral and psychological transformation.

Getting Help in Experiential Therapy

If you have been unable to work through your problems on your own, you could benefit from working with an experiential psychotherapist.

Unburdening yourself from unresolved emotional problems, including traumatic memories, can help you to live a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have helped many individual adults and couples over the years.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

Experiential Therapy Can Achieve Emotional Breakthroughs 

How Parts Work Therapy Can Be Empowering 

How Does AEDP Process Emotions?

Coping With the Death of an Abusive Parent

One of the most complicated experiences of grief is coping with the death of a parent who abused you.

This is especially true if there were times when this parent was kind and caring and, at other times, abusive or just abusive most of the time, which can create confusion for the child being abused. And that confusion often continues into adulthood.

Coping With the Death of an Abusive Parent

In a prior article, Unresolved Trauma: Coping With a Passive Parent Who Didn't Protect You From Abuse, I wrote about an example of this issue in the vignette in that article.

Under these circumstances, it's common to feel a mixture of feelings including relief, sadness, grief, guilt and shame.

Since the parent who abused you is dead and if they didn't express remorse, this means that they can no longer express their remorse and ask for forgiveness. For many adult children, this is its own form of loss.

How to Process Your Emotions While Coping With the Death of An Abusive Parent

• Acknowledge All Your Feelings: It's important to acknowledge all of the mixed feelings you might have towards your dead parent--all the messy feelings like relief, grief, sadness, anger, resentment, guilt and shame.

Coping With the Death of an Abusive Parent

• Be Aware of Your Personal Survival Strategy: Whether your brain and body are numbing or your mind is overanalyzing, recognize that these are your coping strategies for the moment. Grounding techniques and breathing exercises can help you to stay relatively calm. Exercise, even walking, can help you to release some of this "stuck" energy.

• Grieve For the Lost Potential: You might find yourself grieving for the parent you wish you had and deserved to have in addition to any grief you might feel for your actual parent.

Why is Grieving Under These Circumstances So Complicated?

• Biological Paradox: Your brain's attachment system, which seeks connection, and your threat system, which detects danger, are both activated simultaneously. This can lead to internal chaos for you.

• If There Was No Reconciliation: Death removes any chance for the parent to understand, acknowledge and make amends for the abuse. You are left with many unresolved and complicated feelings that you need to work out on your own or, preferably, with the help of a licensed mental health professional who has an expertie in this area.

• Fragmented Memories: It's not unusual for a parent to be warm and loving at one point and threatening and abusive at other times. This can make it very difficult to understand who this parent was to you and how you feel about them. If the abuse occurred when you were young, you might even experience this parent almost as if they are two different people in your life.

• Lack of Validation: Other people might praise your deceased parent at a funeral or memorial service which can feel isolating because it doesn't match your reality. Even close relatives who might know your parent's abusive nature might tell you, "Don't speak ill of the dead" which can also make you feel alone and lonely in your experience.

What Can You Do to Heal?

• Validate All Your Feelings: Accept that it is normal and common to feel many contradictory feelings at the same time. 

• Prioritize Your Peace of Mind: You are not obligated to place your deceased parent who abused you on a pedestal, nor are you obligated to attend their funeral if it will compromise your peace of mind. Others might not understand or agree, but you have to do what is right for you.

• Externalize Your Emotional Pain: Writing a no-holds-barred letter, which you do not send, or writing in your journal can help you to express all your contradictory feelings and begin to process any unfinished business between you and your deceased parent.

• Get Help in Trauma Therapy: Grief counselors often don't have specialized training in how to deal with complex grief like this. Working with a trauma therapist, a licensed mental health professional who is trained in complex trauma, can help you to work through your mixed feelings and overcome the unresolved trauma. There are various modalities of trauma therapy including:

• EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing)

• AEDP (Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy)

• Somatic Experiencing 

• Parts Work Therapy (IFS and Ego States Therapy)

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

As a Trauma Therapist, I have helped many individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

Grieving For a Parent Who Wasn't There For You

Coping With the Loss of a Loved One: Common Reactions 

Coping With Complicated Grief 

Mourning the Loss of a Father You Have Never Known 

Letting Go of Resentment

Intergenerational Trauma: What is the Link Between Perfectionism and Unresolved Trauma?

In my prior article, How a Parent's Unresolved Trauma Can Affect Their Child, I started a discussion about the potential impact for children of parents with unsolved trauma (see my article: What is Intergenerational Trauma?).

The Link Between Perfectionism and Unresolved Trauma

I'm continuing this discussion in the current article by focusing on one aspect this issue,  which is perfectionism (see my article: Overcoming Perfectionism).

Estimates vary as to what percentage of children of traumatized parents develop perfectionism, but the current estimate as of the date of this article is 25-30%.

What is the Link Between Perfectionism and Intergenerational Trauma?

Trauma-related perfectionism is passed down through biological and environmental pathways:

• Parental Modeling: Children often internalize the harsh, self critical inner voices of parents who use perfectionism to cope with unresolved trauma.

• Epigenetic Predisposition: Chronic stress and trauma in parents can influence gene expressions related to anxiety and chronic stress, potentially exposing children to perfectionistic tendencies.  

• Parentified Roles: Children who are forced to take on adult responsibilities or care for a parent's emotional needs may use perfectionism to fulfill these overwhelming obligations (see my article: What is Parentification and Why Is It Traumatic?).

Signs of Trauma-Based Perfectionism

Unlike healthy striving for excellence, trauma-based perfectionism is driven by fear and shame. 

This includes:

• All-or-Nothing Thinking: Viewing any minor mistake as a total failure or proof of inherent unworthiness (see my article: Overcoming All-or-Nothing Thinking).

The Procrastination Paradox

• Procrastination Paradox: Avoiding tasks entirely because the fear of doing them imperfectly is paralyzing

• Chronic Self Criticism: A persistent internal dialog that equates mistakes with being "bad" or at risk for abandonment

Support the Healing Process

If your child is experiencing perfectionistic tendencies related to intergenerational trauma, healing begins with you:

• Create a Nonjudgmental Space: Create an environment in your home where mistakes are welcomed and met with curiosity instead of judgment.

Create a Nonjudgmental Environment

• Practice Compassion: Help your child to distinguish their worth from their achievements.

• Get Support For Yourself in Trauma Therapy: Healing begins with you. If you have unresolved trauma, get help in trauma therapy so you can become a parental model of mental health. Trauma therapy modalities include:

• Parts Work Therapy (IFS and Ego States Therapy)
  

• Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy (AEDP)
  

• Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR)

• Somatic Experiencing (SE)
  

• Get Help For Your Child: Seek help from a licensed mental health professional who does trauma-informed therapy for children. Therapist directories like Psychology Today can provide you with referrals to psychotherapists who work with children in your area.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

As a trauma therapist, I have helped many individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

How Trauma Therapy Can Help You to Overcome Unresolved Trauma

The Potential Long Lasting Impact of Trauma 

How a Parent's Unresolved Trauma Can Affect a Child 

You Are Not Defined By What Happened to You