Relationships: Dealing With Your Partner's Trauma Triggers - Compassion vs Complacency

Many partners of trauma survivors struggle with their partner's trauma triggers. 

They tell me they don't know what to do to help their partner when their partner becomes triggered.

This article discusses how to avoid responding complacently and how to respond with compassion instead.

What is the Difference Between Compassion vs Complacency?

For someone dealing with their partner's trauma triggers, there is a big difference between compassion and complacency.

Dealing With a Partner's Trauma Triggers

Compassion means offering patient, empathetic support to a partner while complacency involves a harmful indifference or dismissal of a partner's symptoms or efforts to recover from trauma.

A compassionate response helps to establish safety and connection while a complacent response can lead to resentment, emotional detachment and a breakdown of trust.

Let's look at the differences between compassion and complacency in more detail:

Complacency: A Damaging Response

Complacency occurs when a partner stops putting an effort to understand and support a partner's healing journey. This often occurs because the partner who isn't traumatized becomes fatigued or resentful. 

Dealing With a Partner's Trauma Triggers

This can take a heavy toll on the relationship because the partner with trauma feels unseen, unheard, unsafe and alone.

Signs of Complacency:

• Minimizing Your Partner's Feelings: Saying "It's not that big a deal" or "You're making a big deal out of nothing" invalidates a traumatized partner's experience

• Taking a Partner's Triggers Personally: Viewing a partner's trauma triggers as a personal attack, which leads to resentment and defensive behavior

Dealing With a Partner's Trauma Triggers

• Ignoring Triggers: A partner who refuses to adjust their behavior or the environment to accommodate a partner's needs which violates the traumatized partner's safety

• Withdrawing Emotionally: Becoming emotionally distant or apathetic to a partner's emotional needs which leads to emotional disconnection and a breakdown in communication

• Taking a Partner For Granted: A lack of affection and appreciation, as if the traumatized partner's presence is guaranteed which can make feelings of abandonment and worthlessness worse

Compassion - A Supportive Response

A compassionate partner tries to understand the origins of their partner's trauma response instead of reacting defensively to triggered behavior.  

Dealing With a Partner's Trauma Triggers

This approach helps to regulate a traumatized partner's nervous system and offers a steadying presence.

Signs of Compassion:

• Active Listening and Emotional Validation: Listening without judgment, "That sounds difficult. I'm here for you."

Dealing With Your Partner's Trauma Triggers

• Educating Yourself: Take the initiation to learn about trauma's effects on the brain and behavior to gain insight and perspective 

• Creating a Safe Environment: Work together to identify triggers and create a plan for when triggers occur. This might include agreed-upon actions or a "safe word" to use during moments of high distress

• Respecting Boundaries: Honor a traumatized partner's needs for space or control, which is essential for trauma survivors who might have had their boundaries violated

• Patience: A recognition that healing from trauma isn't a linear process and there will be ups and downs along the way (see my article: Progress in Therapy Isn't Linear).

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many different cases, illustrates how a partner shifts his behavior from a complacent to a compassionate stance:

Ed and Mary

Before they moved in together, Ed was aware that Mary had been sexually abused as a child, but her triggers became more evident once they were living together.

Ed had a favorite TV police program he liked to watch where the characters in the program were regularly sexually abused as part of the story. 

He couldn't understand why Mary got so triggered whenever he watched the program when she was around. He felt annoyed when Mary said she needed to stop watching the program because she felt like she was about to have a panic attack.

Ed would tell Mary, "Why are you getting so upset? It's only a TV show." 

He also felt Mary was trying to control him whenever she left the room when that program was on, "You need to get over these triggers. Your abuse happened a long time ago. Why are you being so dramatic?'

At her wit's end, Mary invited Ed to attend one of her trauma therapy sessions so her therapist could help Ed to understand and empathize with Mary's trauma reactions.

Dealing With Your Partner's Trauma Triggers

Afterwards, Ed felt ashamed and guilty for his behavior. He told Mary that she was more important to him than any TV program and he wouldn't watch the program when she was around.

He also sought to understand what happened to Mary by asking her questions, which helped to increase his compassion for her.

Over time, Ed noticed that Mary was healing and he validated the hard work she was doing in trauma therapy.

Gradually, Ed's compassion and emotional support for Mary helped to bring them closer together.

Conclusion

A complacent response to a partner's trauma is damaging for the traumatized partner and the relationship.

Dealing With Your Partner's Trauma Triggers

Being compassionate and understanding can support your partner's healing journey.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist

As a Trauma Therapist, I have helped many individual adults and couples to heal from trauma.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

What's the Difference Between Emotional Co-regulation and Emotional Self Regulation?

People sometimes confuse the terms "emotional self regulation" and "emotional co-regulation" so I'm addressing the differences in this article.

Co-regulation vs Self Regulation

What's the Difference Between Co-regulation and Self Regulation?

When caregivers provide external support to their children, this is an example of emotional co-regulation, which is a foundational step for developing emotional self regulation.

Whereas co-regulation is the process in which one person helps another person to regulate their emotions, self regulation is the ability to manage your own thoughts, emotions and behaviors.

Both skills, co-regulation and self regulation, work together throughout life.

Let's break it down further:

Self Regulation

• Definition: The internal ability to control your own thoughts, emotions and behaviors without relying on others.

• Examples of Self Regulation:
• Doing breathing exercises on your own to calm down
• Managing frustration during an argument by going for a walk to calm down

• Goal: To respond to a situation thoughtfully instead of reacting impulsively

Co-regulation

• Definition: The process of two or more people working together to manage emotions and behaviors. This involves providing support, structure and warmth to help someone to calm down and learn coping skills.

• Examples: 
• A parent helping a child to calm down by speaking in a gentle tone and providing comforting hugs
• One romantic partner helping another to calm down by listening in an attuned way, holding their hand and gently helping them to take relaxing breaths

• Goal: To help someone to feel safe and understood which, in turn, builds their capacity for self regulation

• Relationship Between Self Regulation and Co-regulation: Co-regulation is an essential step in helping someone to self regulate. A caregiver or partner's ability to self regulate is necessary in order for them to help co-regulate others. 

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette illustrates the relationship between self regulation and co-regulation and how psychotherapy can help. As always, this vignette is a composite of many different cases to protect confidentiality:

Paul:

Paul was a latchkey kid. Both of his parents worked two jobs each so they weren't around when he came home from elementary school. 

There were times when he was at home alone that he thought he heard noises in the house and he was so scared he hid under his blanket until his parents came home. 

He knew his next door neighbors were at home, but his parents told him to never let them know he was home alone because they might call the child welfare bureau and then he would  be taken him away from his parents due to childhood neglect.

His parents explained to him they didn't want to leave him alone in the house, but they both needed to work and there were no other relatives to take care of him. They also couldn't afford childcare, so he would hide in fear until his parents came home.

Since Paul grew up being alone much of the time, he was often without his parents' emotional support, so he didn't learn how to manage his emotions.

His teacher told his parents that Paul had a difficult time calming himself down in school when he was upet. She suspected his parents weren't helping Paul to manage his emotions so she encouraged them to help him--although she didn't know they were often away from home.

By the time he went away to college, he was so anxious he was having panic attacks.  A college counselor referred him to a psychotherapist for help. 

His therapist used her co-regulate skills to help Paul. She also taught him self regulation skills by teaching him breathing exercises and other coping strategies. 

Eventually, he learned to regulate his emotions on his own.

After he graduated college, the skills he learned in therapy helped Paul to self regulate and co-regulate emotions with his new girlfriend, Sara.

Conclusion

Young children usually learn to co-regulate with their parents so they can develop self regulation skills as they get older.  However, there are times when children don't learn these skills because their parents are not around or the parents never learned to regulate their own emotions when they were growing. up so they can't help their children to develop skills they don't have.

Fortunately, people who didn't learn to regulate their emotions have an opportunity to learn as adults in psychotherapy.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and a Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

As a Trauma Therapist, I have helped many clients to overcome trauma and manage their emotions so they can lead a more fulfilling life.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

What is Emotional Regulation in a Relationship?

Managing Your Emotions During Stressful Times

Emotional Regulation: What is the Difference Between Being Calm and Being Numb?

How Does Somatic Experiencing Heal Trauma?

As a psychotherapist who specializes in helping clients to overcome trauma, I have been using Somatic Experiencing (SE) regularly for 15 years and I have found it to be a highly effective therapy to heal trauma (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

Somatic Experiencing Can Heal Trauma

How Does Somatic Experiencing Heal Trauma?

Somatic Experiencing, which is an experiential therapy, helps to shift the body's autonomic physical responses by allowing clients to process and discharge "stuck" energy associated with trauma's fight, flight and freeze responses (see my article: Somatic Experiencing: A Mind-Body Oriented Therapy For Overcoming Trauma).

Examples of this include changes in heart rate, blood pressure, digestion, breathing, which are all part of the body's autonomic response system.

"Stuck" or "trapped" energy means the body's instinctive survival response (flight, flight, freeze) to a dangerous event doesn't complete, which leaves excess energy and heightened nervous system arousal stuck in the body. 

This unresolved survival energy can take the form of ongoing health and mental health problems including (but not limited to):

• chronic pain

• anxiety

• emotional numbing 

• muscle tension

• fatigue

• hypervigilance 

• problems with self regulation

Changes in SE are often subtle responses like feeling warmth, tingling or vibrations which indicate the release of trapped trauma-related energy.

A Somatic Experiencing therapist helps to guide clients to notice and track these felt sensations (see my article: What is the Felt Sense?).

Somatic Experiencing therapists also use pendulation to help clients shift their awareness from challenging emotions to a sense of calm so they can gradually process and integrate traumatic experiences (see my article: Coping With Emotional Distress By Using Pendulation in SE).

Understanding interoceptive and proprioceptive sensations is also part of the skill building clients learns in SE.

Interoceptive sensations are the sensations within your body, like the sensations mentioned above: heart beating, muscles tensing or feeling hungry or thirsty. As part of a traumatic experience, these sensations can become hyperactivated which leads to constant anxiety or discomfort.

Proprioceptive sensations is your body's sense of where its different parts are in space and how they are moving. Trauma can disrupt proprioceptive sensations which can make you feel disconnected from certain parts of your body.

SE can change these trauma-related disruptions to restore the natural rhythms of your nervous system that became dysregulated by the trauma.  

Along the way, you learn embodied awareness so you feel more connected to your body and bodily sensations instead of feeling overwhelmed by them. This can lead to the transformation of intense and distressing sensations to a greater sense of well-being and safety.

What Are the Benefits of Somatic Experiencing?

As an experiential therapyp, Somatic Experiencing integrates body awareness into the therapeutic process which makes it unique compared to other non-experiential therapies like regular talk therapy (see my article: Why is Experiential Therapy More Effective Than Regular Talk Therapy to Overcome Trauma?).

Somatic Experiencing Can Heal Trauma

As mentioned above, Somatic Experiencing can help to release trauma which can bring the body back into a regulated state.

Somatic Experiencing can be used as a primary therapy or it can be integrated with other forms of experiential therapy including:

• EMDR

• AEDP

• Hypnotherapy

• Parts Work Therapy, like IFS and Ego States Therapy 

    See my article: Integrating EMDR and Somatic Experiencing

Getting Help in Therapy to Overcome Trauma

As a trauma therapist, Somatic Experiencing is one modality I use either alone or in combination with other types of experiential therapy (see my article: Why Experiential Therapy is More Effective Than Regular Talk Therapy).

I work in a collaborative way with clients to help them to decide which modality or combination of modalities would be best for their particular needs.

Getting Help in Therapy to Overcome Trauma

If you have been struggling with unresolved trauma, you could benefit from seeking help from a Somatic Experiencing therapist.

Freeing yourself from your traumatic history can help you to lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Why Medication Alone Can't Solve Most Psychological Problems

Many people who are taking medication ask why medication alone isn't solving their psychological problems (see my article: Medication Alone Isn't As Effective as Psychotherapy).

Medication Alone Can't Solve Most Psychological Problems

Why Can't Medication Solve Most Psychological Problems?

There are times when medication might be necessary and helpful to deal with the symptoms of a psychological problem. However, when medication is needed, a better approach to consider is combining medication with psychotherapy.

Here's why:

• Medication Targets Symptoms, But It Can't Get to the Root Cause of Your Problem: Whereas psychotherapy can get to the root cause of your problem, medication  alone can help to alleviate symptoms while you're on the medication. Medication doesn't address the underlying causes of your problem. For instance, if you choose to take medication for anxiety or depression, your symptoms might improve, but it doesn't address the underlying psychological and emotional factors involved so problem isn't resolved. 

Medication Alone Can't Solve Most Psychological Problems

• Medication Doesn't Teach You Tools, Strategies or Coping Skills: Medication might reduce your symptoms, but it doesn't help you to change negative thoughts or to improve emotional regulation. It doesn't help you to develop the necessary coping skills and internal resources. It also doesn't help you to work through unresolved trauma. Psychotherapy can help you with these issues and more (see my article: Developing Internal Resources and Coping Skills).

• Medication Doesn't Provide Provide Psychological Interventions: Psychological issues require psychological interventions. For instance, unlike psychotherapy, medication alone doesn't address the following issues or a variety other psychological problems:

• Grief

• Poor communication skills

• Dysfunctional relationship patterns

• Unresolved trauma

• Medication Doesn't Help You to Develop Internal Resources: Psychotherapy can help you to develop the necessary internal resources and coping skills related to your problem. In many cases, when you have developed these internal resources, it's possible you won't be as reliant on medication or you might not need it (always consult with your psychiatrist before you reduce or stop your medication). Medication is usually for symptom reduction. While medication can reduce symptoms, psychotherapy can help you to develop the following skills and internal resources and more:

• Develop self reflective capacity

• Develop a personal growth mindset

• Develop personal resilience

Conclusion

Medication can be a tool for managing symptoms and creating stability, but psychotherapy addresses the underlying issues at the root of your problem, helps you to develop coping skills and promotes positive change.

For many psychological issues, the combination of psychotherapy and medication can be effective. 

Always consult with a mental health professional who has the necessary expertise about this.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you have been struggling with unresolved problems, you could benefit from working with a skilled psychotherapist who can help you to develop the tools and strategies to overcome your problem.

Getting Help in Therapy

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who has the expertise to help you to lead a more meaningful life.

Note: Never reduce or stop medication without consulting with your psychiatrist.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I am also work with individual adults and couples (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Why is Self Acceptance the Foundation of Self Confidence?

In the past, I've written articles about self acceptance, including Self Acceptance and Compassion.

In the current article I'm focusing on self acceptance as the foundation of self confidence.

What is Self Acceptance?

Self acceptance involves accepting all aspects of yourself--whether you consider these aspects to be positive or not.

Self Acceptance is the Foundation of Self Confidence

Self acceptance involves accepting your strengths as well as accepting aspects about yourself you might want to change. 

In other words, even while you're working towards making changes, you embrace all of who you are right now.

Why is Self Acceptance the Foundation of Self Confidence?

If you're working on developing increased self confidence, starting with self acceptance is essential to your development.

When you accept yourself as you are right now, you validate yourself internally rather than relying on external validation (see my article: What is Self Validation?).

Self Acceptance is the Foundation of Self Confidence

Even when you're working on making changes, you tell yourself, "I'm good enough as I am" because you're secure within yourself.

When you accept yourself as you are right now, you're more likely to bouncing back from disappointments or setbacks.

Self acceptance allows you to have compassion for yourself as you would have for loved ones in your life.

Self acceptances allows you to be your true self rather than pretending or wanting to be someone else. 

Self acceptance also reduces the likelihood you will compare yourself unfavorable to others. 

Comparison and judgment are the thieves of joy so it's important to stop comparing yourself unfavorably to others including on social media.

Self acceptance allows you to step outside your comfort zone to take healthy risks which can build self confidence.

What is the Difference Between Self Acceptance and Complacency?

Many people worry that if they accept themselves as they are, they will become complacent, but self acceptance and complacency are two different things.

Self acceptance is acknowledging yourself as you are right now and complacency is being satisfied with how things are to the point of stagnation.

Self Acceptance is the Foundation of Self Confidence

While self acceptance is a starting point to any change you want to make, complacency is often leads to a lack of motivation to change.

The important factor is your intent: Are you accepting yourself as you are right now as a starting point or are you accepting yourself as a reason to stagnate?

Self acceptance allows you to take action to make positive changes. 

In contrast, complacency often leads to inaction.

Self Confidence as a Learnable Skill

Self confidence is considered a learnable skill.

Self confidence is influenced by how you think and how you behave.

Self Confidence is a Learnable Skill

You can develop self confidence by changing the critical messages you're giving yourself.

You can also develop self confidence by giving yourself manageable challenges like taking a public speaking course, a storytelling workshop or taking improv classes.

Getting Help in Therapy

Many people lack self confidence due to unresolved trauma that keeps them mired in shame (see my article: How Unresolved Trauma Can Affect Your Ability to Feel Self Compassion).

Getting Help in Therapy

Getting help in trauma therapy can free you from your traumatic history so you can learn self acceptance and develop self confidence.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and a Certified Sex Therapist.

I have helped individual adults and couples in therapy for over 20 years (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

 

What is Trauma-Related Masking?

Masking is a trauma-related response where individuals hide their true personality, feelings or behavior and mimic others as a maladaptive coping strategy to present a false self.

Trauma-Related Masking

One of the problems with masking, which is also known as social camouflage, is that it creates a disconnect from an individual's true self or genuine self. 

Another problem is that it doesn't allow for genuine connections with others.

Why Causes Trauma Masking?

Childhood trauma can create deeply rooted feelings of:

• Fear
• Shame
  
• Guilt
• A sense of being unworthy or being unlovable

Masking these and other feelings temporarily helps individuals to deal with social situations where they feel too much stress and anxiety to be themselves. 

What Does Masking Look Like?

Masking can include some or all of the following:

• Suppressing feelings
• Hiding aspects of one's personality
• Trying to mimic other people to act in a way that they think is acceptable to others

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many cases, illustrates how an individual with a traumatic history uses masking and how trauma therapy can help.

Jane

When Jane left her parents' home to go to college, she felt anxious about meeting new people in college.

Throughout elementary school, middle school and junior high school, Jane only had one or two friends who made an effort to befriend her. She never invited any of these friends home because her father was usually drunk and her mother was depressed so Jane felt too ashamed to allow anyone into her home.

When she met her roommates at college, Jane felt too self conscious to allow her guard down so she tried to imitate their way of speaking and behaving because she believed this is what she had to do to be accepted.

Trauma-Related Masking

Then, one day one of the roommates, Rita, told Jane she realized that Jane was uncomfortable. She told Jane she wanted to have a genuine friendship with her, but she felt Jane wasn't being herself and she encouraged her to be herself.

At first, Jane pretended she didn't know what Rita was talking about. But a couple of weeks later, Jane confided in Rita that she had been pretending and she felt disconnected from herself for so long that she wasn't even sure who she was anymore. 

Soon after that Jane decided to see one of the counselors in the student counseling unit and the counselor was able to help Jane to cope with her anxiety and shame.  She also helped Jane to get help from a trauma therapist off campus.

The trauma therapist got a detailed family history from Jane and asked her about her goals for therapy. Jane told her that she was tired of trying to hide who she was and she wanted to learn to feel comfortable with herself.

Her therapist explained the concept of masking and this explanation resonated with Jane.  She realized she had been pretending to be someone else her whole life because she was afraid people wouldn't like her. 

Her therapist worked with Jane by helping her to feel emotionally safe in therapy and they didn't start to process Jane's traumatic history until Jane felt prepared to do the work (see my article: Why Establishing Emotional Safety is Essential in Trauma Therapy).

When Jane was ready, she and her therapist used EMDR Therapy and Somatic Experiencing to help Jane to process her traumatic history.

The work wasn't quick or easy but, over time, Jane began to feel like herself. She no longer felt the need to pretend to be someone else. She gradually let her guard down and she realized that people liked her for who she really was and not who she was pretending to be. 

Even more important, Jane accepted herself for who she really was and she felt good about it.

How to Overcome Trauma-Related Masking

• Self Awareness: Self awareness is the first step to overcoming trauma-related masking (see my article: What is Self Reflective Awareness?).

Overcoming Trauma-Related Masking

• Self Compassion and Self Acceptance: Self compassion can be challenging due to shame, fear and guilt, but it's a necessary step on the way to healing trauma (see my article: Acceptance and Self Compassion).

• Trauma Therapy: Trauma-related masking is difficult to overcome on your own, so getting help in trauma therapy is an important part of healing.

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

Hiding behind a mask can be emotionally exhausting and lonely.

As mentioned earlier, you're not just emotionally disconnected from others, you become emotionally disconnected from yourself.

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

A skilled trauma therapist can help you to work through unresolved trauma so you no longer feel the need to mask your true self.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional to free yourself from your traumatic history and live a meaningful life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have over 20 years of experiencing helping individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.