Posts
In recent months I've been doing a series of articles about improving communication in relationships.
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| Ask Your Partner What They Need When They're Upset |
See my articles:
Improving Communication: What Does Your Partner Need When They're Upset?
In the current article I'm focusing on a particular topic that comes up a lot with clients who are in individual therapy and couples therapy with me: How to respond when your partner upset.
Your partner might need different things at different times when they're upset, so it's best to ask first before you jump in with a response that isn't helpful.
They might want:
- To vent because they're feeling frustrated so they're not looking for a solution to their problems. They need to be heard, or
- To have a problem solving talk with you where they're looking for help with possible solutions, or
- To have a hug as a way for you to show affection and emotional support
Instead of jumping in with what you think they might need, it's better to ask them, "Do you want to be helped, heard or hugged?"
Even if they weren't thinking about what they wanted when they started talking to you about what upset them, when you ask, you're helping them to clarify their needs.
You're also helping them to feel empowered enough to ask for what they need.
Vignettes
The following vignettes, which are composites of many different cases, illustrate the importance of asking your partner what they need:
Vignette 1: Jan and Bill
When Jan came home from the office, she told her husband, Bill, she was so upset that she was passed over for a promotion that she wanted to quit her job. After she told him that someone who was related to the senior vice president, someone with less experience than Jan, got the promotion, Bill launched into problem solving mode.
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| Ask Your Partner What They Need When They're Upset |
Jan listened, but she felt increasingly frustrated until she stopped him mid-sentence and said, "The more I listen to you, the more upset I feel." Surprised, but wanting to be helpful, Bill asked compassionately, "What do you need from me?" Jan hesitated at first to think about what she needed and then she said, "I just want to vent, so just hear me out." After she vented to Bill, Jan felt much better. Once she aired her frustration, she had a renewed sense of energy and clarity about what she wanted to do.
Vignette 2: Alice and Nan
After Alice got off the phone with her sister, she told her wife, Nan, how angry she felt that her sister was being difficult about their parents' fiftieth wedding anniversary. She complained to Nan that her sister rejected all her suggestions for possible venues.
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| Ask Your Partner What They Need When They're Upset |
Nan listened attentively to Alice and validated Alice's feelings. Then, she gave her a big hug. Alice responded, "I appreciate the validation and the hug, but what I really want is help with solving this problem." Nan realized she responded in a way that wasn't the most helpful to Alice, so she got into problem solving mode and, together, they looked up venues and came up with possible ways to resolve the problem.
Vignette 3: John and Miguel
After dinner, John and Miguel sat down to talk about what they would do for the holidays. From the start of their relationship, Miguel's parents were loving towards them and affirming of their relationship. Whenever Miguel and John went to visit them, they welcomed John into their home just like they did with their other children's spouses and partners, and John felt comfortable around them. But John's parents told him they weren't ready to accept that he was gay and that he was a relationship. They told John that they wanted to see him for the holidays, but they weren't ready to extend the invitation to Miguel (see my article: LGBTQ Relationships: Dealing With Homophobia in Families).
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| Ask Your Partner What They Need When They're Upset |
When John expressed his anger and sadness to Miguel, Miguel listened to John. From past similar talks with John where John needed different things, Miguel realized he wasn't sure what he needed from him in this situation, so he asked John, "What can I do for you right now that would be most helpful?" John was moved by Miguel's empathy and concern and responded, "I already know that if my parents won't accept that I'm gay and they don't accept our relationship, I'm not going without you, so I've already made my decision. I just need a hug" and Miguel responded by putting his arms around John and giving him a big hug.
Discussion About the Vignettes
These vignettes illustrate that even well-meaning partners sometimes mistake what their partner needs.
Vignette 1: Bill assumed that Jan wanted problem solving suggestions, but Jan was feeling frustrated and his suggestions only made her feel more frustrated. Once he allowed her to vent, she felt energized and she had the clarity she needed to proceed.
Vignette 2: Nan responded to her wife, Alice, by validating Alice's concerns and giving her a hug. But, even though Alice appreciated the validation and the hug, what she actually needed was help with problem solving. Once they were both on the same wavelength, they were able to come up with possible solutions to the problem.
Vignette 3: Miguel knew from prior similar talks with John that he wasn't sure what John needed from him. So, with compassion and empathy, he asked John what he needed. In the past, John needed to be heard or he needed help with problem solving as it related to his parents' homophobia. But since John had already decided that he wouldn't go to his parents' home if they weren't accepting that he's gay and in a relationship with Miguel, what he needed was a hug, which Miguel was happy to give him.
Conclusion
Your partner might need different responses from you at different times even if they're talking about the same problem, so it's a good idea to ask each time what they need.
They might need one particular response or they might need a combination of responses.
A shorthand way to remember this is with the question, "Do you want to be helped, heard or hugged?"
Even if your partner isn't sure what they need in the moment, your question can help them to clarify their needs so you can respond in the way that's most helpful.
About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT For Couples, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.
I work with individual adults and couples.
To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.
To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.
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