Coping With Relationship Stress

My article focuses on how stress affects sexual desire in relationships (see my article: To Improve Intimacy in Your Relationship, Get Off the Sexual Staircase).

Coping With Relationship Stress

For most people stress is a libido killer: Work stress, raising children and the daily grind of life can leave people feeling depleted and unmotivated to have sex.

When you feel stressed or anxiety and hyper-focused on having an orgasm and ensuring that your partner has an orgasm, your nervous system shifts into a fight-or-flight mode. This is the opposite of what most people need to enjoy sex.

The Impact of Stress on Pleasure:

Stress can affect pleasure on a physical and mental level:

The Physical Impact

• Stress Blocks Blood Flow: Stress releases cortisol and adrenaline, which constrict the blood vessels and direct the flow of blood to the genitals. 

• Stress Prevents Relaxation: When the nervous system is under stress and you can't relax, sexual arousal can be difficult.

• Stress Reduces Sensitivity: Anxiety can numb physical sensations. This can make touch less intense or even distracting.

The Mental Impact

• Stress Can Create a Goal-Oriented Mindset: Treating sex like a task to complete creates sexual anxiety (see my article: What is Performative Sex?).

Coping With Relationship Stress

• Stress Can Create "Spectatoring": You become a detached observer and judge your own performance instead of being an embodied participant (see my article: Understanding Your Sexual Accelerator and Brakes).

How to Overcome Stress-Related Sexual Problems

To overcome stress-related sexual problems, you can try the following:

• Practice Sensate Focus: Sensate Focus is a common exercise given to couples in sex therapy. It is a structured touching exercise where you and your partner take turns giving and receiving non-sexual touch. There is no sexual activity--even if one or both partners get sexually aroused.  Sensate Focus helps to eliminate performance pressure and goal-oriented sex (see my article: What is Sensate Focus?).

Coping With Relationship Stress

• Redefine Intimacy: Dedicate time to non-sexual physical closeness. This can include things like taking a bath together and giving a back massage where there is no pressure or expectation of sexual intercourse.

• Redirect Your Thoughts: When you feel your mind racing when you and your partner are being sexually intimate, shift your focus in a mindful way to other sensations--like the texture of skin, sound of music or slow, deep breathing.

Coping With Relationship Stress

• Talk to Your Partner: Instead of trying to suppress your stress and anxiety, which can make it worse, talk openly with your partner outside the bedroom (see my article: How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex - Part 1 and Part 2).

• Share What You Each Like: Talk to your partner about what feels comfortable and pleasurable to remove guesswork and doubt.

Coping With Relationship Stress

• Be Aware of Fluctuations in Sexual Desire: Acknowledge to each other that it's normal to have fluctuations in sexual desire to eliminate any performative aspects of sex. If you don't want to have sex on a particular occasion, instead of just rejecting your partner outright, suggest another time during the week to have sex (see my article: Coping With Occasional Sexual Rejection).

• Make Lifestyle Changes: Lifestyle changes like engaging in some form of physical exercise at a level that is right for you (e.g., walking, working out at the gym or taking a yoga class) can lower stress and increase blood flow. You can also engage in mindfulness to train your brain to stay in the present moment. Also, limiting caffeine, reducing alcohol and eliminating nicotine can improve your nervous system and vascular health (see my article: Can Yoga Improve Your Mood?).

Get Help in Sex Therapy

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy for individual adults and couples (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?)

Get Help in Sex Therapy

Sex therapists are licensed mental health professionals who have advanced training and a  certification in sex therapy.

There is no nudity or sex during sex therapy sessions (see my article: What Are Common Misconceptons About Sex Therapy?).

Individuals and couples attend sex therapy for many reasons (see my article: What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?

If you and your partner have been unable to resolve your sexual problems, you could benefit from working with a sex therapist.

About Me

I am a licensed New York mental health professional who is a Certified Sex Therapist.

In addition to being a sex therapist, I am also a trauma therapist who has advanced training in psychodynamic psychotherapy, EMDR, AEDP, IFS, Somatic Experiencing and hypnotherapy.

I have helped many individual adults and couples over the years.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

Sharing the Mental Load

Understanding Your Sex Script 

What is Sexual Desire Discrepancy in Relationships? 

Responsive Sexual Desire and Spontaneous Sexual Desire Are Both Normal

What is the Difference Between Emotional and Sexual Intimacy? 

How to Develop Emotional Depth in Your Relationship

Overcoming Sexual Shame and Guilt

What is Your Sexual Initiation Style? 

Creating Sexual Desire With the Sexual Simmer Technique

What Causes Out of Control Sexual Behavior (OCSB)? 

IFS-Informed EMDR: What Are the Benefits of Integrating EMDR and IFS Parts Work Therapy?

Combining EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) and IFS (Internal Family Systems) Parts Work Therapy creates a powerful synergistic approach for recovering from trauma. 

Integrating EMDR and IFS Parts Work Therapy

See my articles about EMDR and IFS: 

What is EMDR Therapy?

IFS Parts Work Therapy is a Gentle Evidence Based Trauma Therapy

How Are EMDR and IFS Therapies Integrated For Trauma Processing?

EMDR therapy uses accelerated processing to target traumatic memories while IFS provides a gentle nonpathologizing framework that honors the many aspects of the client's personality (also known as "parts").

Integrating EMDR and IFS Parts Work Therapy

Blending EMDR and IFS is called IFS-informed EMDR. The integration of these two therapies helps trauma therapists to navigate dissociation, resistance and processing blocks for clients with unresolved psychological trauma.

Phases 1 and 2: History Taking, Treatment Planning and Preparation: Whereas traditional EMDR focuses on identifying target memories and teaching basic grounding skills, integrating IFS shifts the focus to mapping the client's internal system and establishing foundational safety:

• Parts Mapping: The trauma therapist maps out the client's psychological protective system. These protective parts are known as Managers and Firefighters. The wounded parts of the client, which hold the client's trauma history, are known as Exiles.

IFS Mapping

• Identifying Negative Beliefs as Parts: Instead of treating negative beliefs as just thoughts, the therapist treats negative beliefs, like I'm unlovable" or "I'm powerless", as protective parts which are trying to protect the client from future harm. 

• Cultivating Core Self Energy: The therapist ensures the client can access their Core Self. The Core Self is characterized by compassion, curiosity and other similar qualities. Core Self acts as the client's primary internal resource before trauma processing begins (see my article: Understanding Your Core Self and Parts in IFS Therapy).

Phases 3 and 4: Assessment and Reprocessing: This is where the synergy of integrating EMDR and IFS takes place. Instead of framing the client's "resistance" as a problem, the therapist understands the protective nature of resistant parts and uses IFS Parts Work to clear the path for EMDR's bilateral stimulation:

• Securing Protector's Consent: The client's protector part's permission is essential so, before using EMDR's bilateral stimulation on a traumatic memory, the therapist will check with the protective part guarding the memory. She will ask, "Is it okay if we look at this memory today? Would you be willing to step aside?"

Integrating EMDR and IFS Parts Work Therapy

• Handling Looping and Blocks: If processing stalls or the client dissociates, the therapist recognizes that a protector part has stepped in to block the intensity of the processing. If so, the therapist will introduce an IFS-informed cognitive interweave, "Can the part that is blocking the processing let us know what it is worried would happen if we keep going?" 

• Maintaining Functional Dual Attention: Dual attention means the client keeps one foot in the present moment (Core Self energy) while simultaneously witnessing the Exile's trauma during the bilateral stimulation (see my article: What is Dual Awareness in Psychotherapy?).

Phases 5 and 6: Installation and Body Scan: Once a memory has been desensitized, the focus shifts to internal alignment and somatic integration:

• Inviting the Parts to "Try On" Positive Beliefs: Instead of installing a positive belief globally (as would be done in traditional EMDR), the therapist will check out how individual parts of the client receive it. She will ask if the protective parts feel safe adopting a positive belief like "I am lovable" or "I feel empowered". 

Integrating EMDR and IFS Parts Work Therapy

• Somatic "Befriending": During the body scan, if any residual tension is detected, the therapist will treat this physical sensation as a part. She will help the client to bring curiosity to this area of the body to see what emotional burden it is holding.

Phase 7 and 8: Closure and Re-evaluation: These final phases ensure the internal system remains stable and cohesive between sessions:

• Systemic Inclusion: Before closing an incomplete session, a trauma therapist explicitly checks back in with the protector parts that stepped aside. She will acknowledge their hard work, thank them for their cooperation and ensure they feel safe returning to their roles until the next session. 

• Assessing Systemic Shifts: At the start of the next session, the therapist will evaluate the client's inner world to see how the client's parts reacted to the last session. She will also check to see if new protectors have emerged or if old ones feel lighter. 

What Are the Benefits of Integrating EMDR and IFS Parts Work Therapy?

Integrating EMDR and IFS combines the rapid processing of EMDR and the gentle framework of IFS. This hybrid approach, which is called IFS-Informed EMDR, addresses the limitations of each modality when used alone. 

IFS-Informed EMDR offers several distinct clinical advantages including:

• Reducing Dissociation and Emotional Flooding: Traditional EMDR can sometimes overwhelm certain clients with complex trauma. This overwhelm can lead to dissociation. The IFS benefit is that the therapist does not push beyond the client's defenses, which are seen as "parts". By identifying and gaining permission from protective parts before starting bilateral stimulation, the pacing of the therapy matches the client's internal threshold which prevents sudden decompensation (see my article: What is Complex Trauma?).

Integrating EMDR and IFS Parts Work Therapy

• Overcoming Treatment Blocks and Looping: In traditional EMDR, processing can stall ("loop") when the client's unconscious mind resists going to the traumatic memory. By using IFS, instead of viewing resistance as a hindrance, the therapist sees the protector part as doing its job. The therapist will pause the processing to hear the protector's fears (e.g., "If I let go of this fear, I'll be at risk for being traumatized again"). Hearing the protector's fears can unblock the processing without triggering internal conflict for the client.

• Providing an Internal Attachment Figure: Traditional EMDR relies heavily on the therapist as the external source of safety and containment during processing. IFS cultivates the client's Core Self energy of compassion and curiosity to act as the primary healing agent. The client's Core Self becomes the internal attachment figure that holds, validates and "re-parents" the wounded child part (known as the Exile) during trauma processing.

• Maximizing Safety For Complex PTSD: Clients with complex developmental trauma often lack a single, clear target memory to process which makes traditional EMDR therapy difficult to initiate. The IFS mapping provides a clear internal landscape because therapists can target the relationship between the parts or focus on the negative core beliefs held by a specific part. This offers a structured roadmap for clients with fragmented trauma histories.

• Enhancing Post-Session Integration: After an intense EMDR session, clients can sometimes experience a backslash from internal defenses that feel blindsided by the rapid changes. Integrating IFS involves explicitly thanking the protectors and checking back in with the internal system before ending the session. This ensures that the whole system feels respected which drastically reduces the possibility of a post session backlash.

Conclusion

Integrating EMDR therapy and IFS Parts Work Therapy combines the best aspects of both trauma therapies including the rapid processing of EMDR and the gentle non-pathologizing aspects of IFS.

Get Help in IFS-Informed EMDR Therapy

Whereas traditional talk therapy is a top-down approach, both EMDR and IFS are bottom up approaches (see my article: What is the "Top Down" and "Bottom Up" Approaches to Trauma Therapy?).

Get Help in IFS-Informed EMDR Therapy

If traditional talk therapy hasn't been effective in helping you to heal from trauma, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who integrates the best aspects of EMDR and IFS.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help with this integrated approach so you can work through trauma and live a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, IFS Parts Work, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

As a trauma therapist, I have helped many individual adults and couples over the years.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

Combining EMDR and IFS to Overcome Emotional Blocks 

EMDR Therapy - When Traditional Talk Therapy Isn't Enough 

How Are Emotions Processed in EMDR? 

What Are Imaginal Interweaves in EMDR?

What is the Connection Between IFS and Neural Networks?

Ambivalence and Codependence in the Mother-Daughter Relationship

The topic of conflict and ambivalence in the mother-daughter relationship is the subject of this article. One article in a blog cannot do justice to this topic but, hopefully, it can serve as a starting point for many similar articles and it will be thought provoking (see my articles: Healing Mother-Daughter Relationships and Letting Go of Resentments in Mother-Daughter Relationships).

Ambivalence and Codependence in Mother-Daughter Relationships

The complexity of the mother-daughter relationship is derived, in part, from the fact that mothers and daughters share a biological and often certain psychological factors. 

As such, mothers often see themselves in their infant daughters, at times, projecting their own unfulfilled hopes and dreams on their infant daughters. 

In turn, daughters learn to identify with their mothers. A certain amount of maternal idealizing is a normal part of a daughter's development. 

However, when the identification or idealization interferes with a daughter's psychological development, this often interferes with the normal separation and individuation process that is necessary for the daughter to mature into her own person.

Clinical Vignette:

The following vignette which, as always, represents a composite of numerous cases illustrates how ambivalence and codependence between a mother and daughter as well as an over identification by the daughter for the mother kept the daughter stuck and unable to develop into her own person without feeling like she was betraying her mother.

Donna:
When Donna began therapy, she was in her early 30s. She was already quite successful in her career. As she saw it at the time, her presenting problem was that she had a long history of problems in her romantic relationships with men. 

Her relationships always began well. However, as soon as the relationship became serious, Donna became extremely ambivalent about it and found some way to sabotage it. When she began therapy, she was in a one-year relationship with a man that she loved very much and who also loved her. She saw the potential for a good marriage with this man, but she was very frightened to make that commitment with him, and she could not understand why.

Donna's family history included her parents' divorce when she was five years old. Prior to that, she remembered a lot of arguing between her parents, who were not well suited for each other. After the divorce, the father remarried within a couple of years. However, Donna's mother sank into a depression and she began to drink heavily.

As an only child, Donna remembered feeling responsible for her mother's happiness. Her mother poured out her sorrows to Donna, and Donna did her best to try to make her mother happy by listening to her, trying to entertain her with funny stories from school, being an "A" student, and trying never to bother her mother with her own concerns. 

As a result, at a young age, Donna and her mother switched roles, and Donna became a parentified child. She learned to anticipate her mother's needs before her mother even expressed them. She even cleaned up her mother's mess when her mother got drunk and threw up around the house. For this, Donna's mother rewarded her by telling her what a wonderful daughter she was, and this made Donna feel good.

Donna's relationship with her mother continued in this way until Donna became a teenager, and she began to express a need to spend more time with her friends. Donna's mother never actually stopped Donna from going out with her friends, but when Donna got home, she often found her mother in an irritable, sullen state.

She never told Donna directly that she was unhappy that Donna was beginning to achieve a certain amount of independence that is a normal part of adolescence but, indirectly, she complained about how lonely she felt when Donna was out and how hard her life was as a single mother. 

This made Donna feel very guilty for leaving her mother alone and for going out and having a good time with her friends. At those times, Donna worked extra hard to get back into her mother's good graces. After a while, Donna's mother was appeased and, once again, she rewarded Donna by telling her that she was the best daughter that a mother could have.

At times, Donna turned down her friends' invitations to go out because she didn't want to leave her mother alone and unhappy. She also feared that her mother would drink more when Donna was out, which was often the case. At least if she was there, Donna thought, she could monitor her mother's alcohol intake and help her mother to go to bed when she was too drunk.

After her parents' divorce, Donna had virtually no contact with her father. She feared that her mother would be upset if she maintained a relationship with her father, so she ignored his phone calls and, after a while, he stopped calling.

During that time, dating boys was out of the question in Donna's mind. Her mother was very bitter about her own divorce and she would often tell Donna how awful men were. Donna was interested in a couple of boys at school, who also expressed an interest in her, but Donna felt that it would be a betrayal to her mother if she began dating boys. So, rather than dating, she stayed home with her mother and catered to her needs.

When it came time for Donna to apply for college, one of Donna's teachers, who had an intuitive sense of what was going on in Donna's home, encouraged Donna to go away to college. A part of Donna longed to be away and attend a college with an active campus life. However, a stronger part of Donna didn't want to leave her mother alone. So, she opted to go to a local college, even though other colleges offered her better opportunities and a chance for a full scholarship.

By the time Donna was a sophomore in college, she began to feel depressed and lonely. She didn't know why she was feeling this way, so she went to the student counseling center. With the help of her college counselor, Donna began to see that she was missing out on many of the social activities that other students were enjoying and that she also wanted to attend.

So, gradually, Donna became more social and, soon afterwards, she started dating, much to her mother's chagrin. By that point, Donna realized that she needed to have a social life of her own, but she continued to feel guilty and that, in some way, she was betraying her mother by spending less time with her and more time with her friends.

By the time she graduated, Donna was offered an excellent job opportunity in NYC that she knew she could not afford to pass up. With much ambivalence and guilt about leaving her mother, she moved to NYC to begin her new career. However, she called her mother several times a day to "check in" on her and to listen to her mother's problems. She also visited her mother frequently on weekends.

When Donna entered into her first serious relationship, she was wary of telling her mother. She feared that since her mother had such a low opinion of men, her mother would disapprove of her being in a relationship. 

When Donna finally summoned the courage to tell her mother, her mother acted as if she had not even heard her. She never expressed any curiosity about this man or even asked Donna how the relationship was going. This made Donna feel very sad and guilty--as if she was doing something wrong by having a life of her own and being in a relationship, as if she wasn't entitled to her own happiness.

Shortly after that, Donna began finding faults with her boyfriend and they started arguing. Within a few months, they were broken up. When Donna told her mother about the breakup, her mother responded by telling her to come home and spend time with her. Her mother seemed to have no recognition that Donna was heart broken.

This same pattern continued in most of Donna's relationships. She felt pulled between the man that she loved and a "loyalty" that she felt for her mother. By the time that Donna came to see me, she was miserable. She was also aware that she was ruining an otherwise wonderful relationship with a man that she really loved. But she didn't know how to stop engaging in this behavior.

We began by doing inner child work to help Donna understand and appreciate the root of her problems. Over time, she learned to have more compassion for herself when she was a child and as an adult. She also started to see how her own inner emotional conflict caused her to feel that she had to choose between her boyfriend and her mother.

With a lot of work in therapy, Donna started feeling more entitled to have a happy life and not to sacrifice her life for her mother. She also learned to see that her codependent relationship with her mother was not helping her mother or her. 

So, gradually, over time, she changed her behavior towards her mother. Rather than calling her mother several times a day, she called her once a week. Rather than spending hours on the phone listening to her mother's problems and trying to "fix" them, Donna encouraged her mother to get help.

Donna's mother did not respond well to this new change in Donna. After a few weeks of this, Donna's mother refused to talk to Donna and told her that she would talk to her when Donna "came to her senses again." 

This was a serious emotional challenge for Donna, and part of her wanted to revert back to her old behavior to "rescue" her mother. But, deep down, Donna realized that she needed to stick to what she knew was best for her and her relationship with her boyfriend. 

She also realized now that her mother would never get help for her alcoholism as long as Donna provided her with an emotional crutch. So, even though it was very difficult for her, Donna refrained from reverting back to her former dysfunctional way of relating to her mother.

After several months, Donna's relationship with her boyfriend improved substantially. Even though she missed her mother, Donna realized that she felt happier than she had ever felt and she finally felt entitled to her happiness. She also reconciled her relationship with her father.

About a year later, she received a call from her mother. Her mother told Donna that she had just completed a 28-day rehab and she wanted to reconcile her relationship with Donna. And, for the first time, she told Donna that she wanted to meet her boyfriend. This was the beginning of Donna and her mother having a healthy relationship together without much of the guilt, codependence, and ambivalence from the past.

Healthy Mother-Daughter Relationships
Even though this article focuses on ambivalence and codependence in mother-daughter relationships, I want to also say that there are many mothers and daughters who have healthy relationships. 

Healthy Mother-Daughter Relationships

Even mother-daughter relationships that begin with the sort of enmeshment, codependence and ambivalence that were involved with Donna's relationship with her mother often improve when one or, preferably both, people get psychological help.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you are part of an emotionally unhealthy mother-daughter dynamic and you want to establish a healthier relationship, you could benefit from attending psychotherapy with a licensed mental health professional who has expertise in this area.

About Me

I am a licensed psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, and EMDR therapist in New York City.

I work with individuals and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my web site: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also, see Mother-Daughter Relationships Over the Course of a Life Time.

How is Therapy With a Psychotherapist Different From Using Artificial Intelligence?

In the last several years some people have been relying on Artificial Intelligence (AI) for their mental health issues instead of seeing a licensed mental health professional.  

Psychotherapy With a Live Therapist vs Using A.I.

Although AI can be useful in terms of understanding certain mental health issues, it's not a substitute for working with a psychotherapist. 

How is Therapy With a Psychotherapist Different From Using AI?

Psychotherapy and AI are fundamentally different:

The primary distinctions between AI and psychotherapy include:

The Therapeutic Relationship: 

• Psychotherapy: The therapeutic relationship between a client and therapist is central to psychotherapy. Healing occurs through a felt, trusted human relationship. In addition to what is said, therapists are attuned to non-verbal cues like voice tone, micro-expressions, posture and silences. Many psychotherapists who are trained to work in a psychodynamic way also tune into the client's conscious and unconscious gestures.  When psychotherapists and clients work together, whether it is online or in person, there is a right-brain-to-right brain attunement between therapist and client which enhances the client's healing.

Psychotherapy With a Live Therapist vs Using A.I.

• AI: AI operates on textual inputs. It cannot form a relational bond or therapeutic alliance with a client. Although it can mimic validation, it generates language statistically rather than experiencing an emotional connection with the client. 

Therapeutic Empathy:

• Psychotherapy: Therapeutic empathy is an essential part of healing in psychotherapy. Therapists are trained to develop empathy for clients and help clients to develop empathy and self compassion  (see my article: Why Is Empathy Important in Psychotherapy?).

Psychotherapy With a Live Therapist vs Using A.I.

• AI: An AI chatbot can adjust its responses based on sentiment analysis and learning algorithms, but lack the emotional bandwidth which is found with human psychotherapists. It can mimic empathy, but it cannot feel it. It could possibly guide, but it can't witness. 

Clinical Judgment vs Pattern Recognition

• Psychotherapy: Psychotherapists spend years training to diagnose conditions, assess complex safety risks and change treatment based on clients' responses.

Psychotherapy With a Licensed Therapist vs Using A.I.

• AI: AI evaluates texts based on probability and patterns from their training data. It struggles with deeply complex content and cannot make nuanced clinical choices.

Crisis Management and Safety

• Psychotherapy: Psychotherapists are legally bound to intervene during a crisis. Therapists actively build therapeutic plans for conditions such panic attacks or psychological trauma.

Psychotherapy With a Licensed Therapist vs A.I.

• AI: Chatbots cannot manage a crisis and often default to crisis-line referrals. If they fail to read the situation appropriately, they can provide inappropriate and stigmatizing advice.

Accountability and Ethics

• Psychotherapy: Mental health practitioners operate under strict state boards, ethical codes and HIPAA privacy laws.

Psychotherapy With a Licensed Therapist vs Using A.I.

• AI.: Chatbot platforms are corporate products not medical entities. Data privacy rules can vary widely which raises the risk regarding how sensitive personal information is stored and shared.

Intended Outcomes

• Psychotherapy: Psychotherapy is designed to foster psychological breakthroughs, process deep-seated trauma and build long term, structural psychological changes.

Psychotherapy With a Licensed Therapist vs Using A.I.

• AI: AI cannot foster psychological breakthroughs. It is best suited as an adjunct to therapy for accessing certain behavioral tools like reflection prompts, mood tracking or breathing exercises between psychotherapy sessions. 

Conclusion

The future of mental health will not be a choice between working with a human psychotherapist versus texting a chatbot.

In moments of crisis where psychotherapy is unavailable, like in a war-torn country, AI can provide information, but it has limitations.  

In terms of psychological healing, the human-to-human contact that available in psychotherapy is essential and irreplaceable for psychological healing.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have helped many individual adults and couples over the years.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

Why is Empathy Important For Healing in Psychotherapy?

The Psychotherapy Session: A Unique Intersubjective Experience 

The Creation of the Holding Environment in Psychotherapy 

Psychotherapy as a Co-created Process Between Client and Therapist 

 

Looking at Depression From an IFS Parts Work Therapy Perspective

As I have discussed in prior articles, IFS (Internal Family Systems) Parts Work Therapy is a form of Experiential Therapy (see links at the end of this article for more articles about IFS).

Looking at Depression From an IFS Perspective

From an IFS perspective, depression is viewed as a "part" or a collection of "parts" rather than a permanent identity or a sign of a problem in the brain.

Depression From an IFS Therapy Perspective

In IFS, the mind is naturally subdivided into parts (or subpersonalities). 

As I discussed in my prior article, What is the Connection Between IFS Parts Work Therapy and Neural Networks?, the word "parts" is a metaphor for these naturally occurring subdivisions that everyone has. This makes the language of IFS understandable and accessible to clients.

In IFS, depression is typically viewed as either a proactive part, a reactive part or a wounded part depending upon the function of the part:

• Depression as a Proactive Part ("The Shield"): Depression can act as a protective proactive part where the objective is for the part to act as a preemptive "shutdown" mechanism.  The goal is to keep you safe from taking risks that could lead to failure, rejection or overwhelming disappointment. In IFS language, this part is called a "Manager" due to its proactive role.

Depression From an IFS Therapy Perspective

• Depression as a Reactive Part ("The Circuit Breaker): When emotional pain from the outside world is sudden or overwhelming, this reactive part can step in as a way to numb you emotionally. The goal is to instantly extinguish anxiety, shame or grief. This part is called a "Firefighter" due to its sudden reactive function.

• Depression as a Wounded Part ("The Wound"): This is often a young wounded part of you that is stuck in unresolved trauma. This part isn't trying to protect you. Instead, it carries the burden of the early emotional wounds ("I'm unlovable" or "I'm no good" or "I'm powerless"). This part is called an "Exile". The Exile is frozen in the past at whatever age the trauma occurred. The feelings it carries are raw and unprocessed. When someone is triggered, it is the Exile that experiences the trigger. However, the Exile, as the name implies, usually remains below the surface (unless triggered) and what is usually more apparent is either a the proactive Manager or reactive Firefighter.

How is IFS Therapy Different From Traditional Therapy For Depression?

Traditional therapy usually treats depression as a single entity. This can leave clients feeling consumed by it. 

Depression From an IFS Therapy Perspective

IFS therapy teaches clients how to "unblend" from the part of them that is depressed so instead of a client saying "I'm depressed", an IFS client would say, "A part of me is depressed."

This shift allows an IFS client to access their Core Self with the guidance from the IFS therapist so they can approach their depression from a curious and compassionate stance rather than be consumed by it.  

How Does the IFS Therapist Verify the Role of the Depressed Part?

An IFS therapist tracks the depressed part by facilitating communication between the client's Core Self and the depressed part. This is a skill the therapist helps the client to develop.

The depressed part might respond that they are protecting the client from failing, which would indicate a proactive protector part (a Manager).  Alternatively, they might say they are tryng to numb the client, which would indicate a reactive part (a Firefighter).  The other possibility is that the part is a young wounded part that is feeling alone and stuck in unresolved early trauma (an Exile).

How is Depression Healed in IFS?

An IFS therapist will lead the client through a process of helping them to lift the depression which would include recognizing depression as a part, helping the client to access their Core Self and from the Core Self's perspective the client observes the depressed part, befriends the part, and encourages the part to release their psychological burden.

Depression From an IFS Therapy Perspective

This allows the parts to take on a new and healthier role .

Although this might sound simple, it's often not so simple for a variety of possible reasons. Most of the time the proactive and reactive pars will step aside when asked, so that the client and therapist can work with the wounded part that holds the trauma. 

But there are times when these parts haven't developed trust yet with the client and the therapist, so it can take longer for them to agree to step aside.  

In the long run, IFS, which is a gentle, evidence-based trauma therapy, tends to be more effective at helping clients with depression. This is due to IFS's non-pathologizing stance and its step-by-step process of working with depression and unresolved trauma.

Get Help in IFS Therapy

If you have been struggling on your own or you haven't had success in traditional talk therapy, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who is an IFS therapist.

Get Help in IFS Therapy

When you free yourself from the burden of depression and trauma, you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), IFS and Ego States Parts Therapist, Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have helped many individual adults and couples over the years.

To find out more about it, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles

IFS is a Gentle, Evidence-Based Therapy 

IFS Therapy Can Help With Anxiety 

How Are Emotions Processed in IFS Therapy? 

Healing Trauma With IFS Therapy