Relationships: Are You Confusing Drama For Love?

I began a discussion about this topic in my prior article,  How to Stop the Drama in Your Relationship.

Confusing Drama For Love

In the current article, I'm focusing on the topic of confusing drama with love.

What is Drama in a Relationship?

Here are some of the concepts from my prior article:

Drama in a relationship refers to unnecessary conflict, emotional manipulation or the creation of problems (where they don't really exist) to get attention or control the relationship including:

• Attention Seeking: Some individuals in a relationship create drama in an effort to feel validated by their partner--often at the partner's emotional expense.

• Poor Communication Skills: When one or both people lack good communication skills, they can struggle to express their emotional needs or resolve conflict in a healthy way.

Confusing Drama For Love

• Unrealistic Expectations: When partners don't have realistic expectations of each other, this can lead to drama, especially if they don't know how to communicate well (see my article: Are You and Your Partner on the Same Wavelength About Your Relationship?).

• Projecting Emotional Pain: Partners can project their own emotional pain onto each other which usually leads to conflict.

• Past Unresolved Psychological Trauma: Partners can unconsciously project their unresolved trauma from the past onto their current relationship (see my article: How Unresolved Trauma Can Affect Your Relationship).

How to Distinguish Love From Drama in a Relationship

The following suggestions can help you to distinguish love from drama:

• A Loving Relationship Tends to Be Stable: All relationships have their ups and downs, but a mature loving relationship tends to be stable and consistent with mutual respect and not with constant drama and conflict.

Confusing Drama For Love

• A Healthy Relationship Tends to Be Secure: You experience a sense of security in a loving relationship--not anxiety or fear.

• A Loving Relationship is Reciprocal: A secure relationship has mutual care, respect and support. It does not involve one-sided drama, attention seeking and constant upheaval. It's also not transactional (see my article: What Are Transactional Relationships?).

• Self Love is Essential: In healthy relationships each person experiences self love which is different from codependency or the need for constant validation.

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette illustrates how someone can confuse drama for love:

Jane

When Jane met Tom, she felt instantly drawn to him.  She liked that he was quirky and he introduced her to his taste in art, music and culture which was so different from what her own experience.

Although their relationship was fun at the beginning, over time, Jane began to wonder about the relationship as she noticed certain of Tom's unstable behavior patterns.

He would text her constantly for days and then he would be unreachable for a week or more. In addition, he might show up at her apartment at 2 AM because he would say that he missed her so much and couldn't wait to see her, but then he would ignore her for days at a time.

When they began arguing about his behavior, Tom would tell her that they had a loving, passionate relationship which was why they had so many arguments, but Jane felt increasingly unhappy with their dynamic so she sought help in therapy.

Confusing Drama For Love

Jane told her therapist that she wondered if Tom was right: Did they have so many arguments because they had a passionate loving relationship or was there a problem?  She felt confused because this was her first committed relationship.

As Jane talked about her relationship with Tom in her therapy, she began to realize that she didn't like feeling so insecure in their relationship. She also realized their relationship tended to be on Tom's terms and when he didn't get his way, he would sulk and withdraw emotionally.

After a while, Jane came to the conclusion in her therapy that she didn't like being in such an  unstable relationship. She enjoyed their fun times together, but their fun times didn't make up for the instability and the one-sided nature of the relationship.  

She also became aware that she had confused the drama for love, but she realized that love and drama are two different things.

Confusing Drama For Love

Soon after that, Jane ended her relationship with Tom and she began seeing Bill. A few months into her relationship with Bill, she realized her new relationship was much more secure, reciprocal and stable. Although it might have lacked some of the excitement she felt with Tom, Jane knew her relationship with Bill was a relationship that could grow and flourish.

Conclusion

During the early stage of a relationship drama and chaos might seem fun and exciting, but it shouldn't be confused with love.

When a relationship is based on drama, it's difficult, if not impossible, to build the necessary a foundation for the relationship to grow.

When you can make the distinction between love and drama, you can decide if you want to remain in a relationship that's based on drama or you want a more solid, stable relationship.

Get Help in Therapy

Relationships based on drama can be challenging to get out of--even when you realize that it's the drama that's keeping you together and not love.

Get Help in Therapy

A skilled mental health professional can help you to discover why you might be hooked into an unstable and unhealthy relationship.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who has the expertise you need so you can lead a more meaningful life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I have over 20 years of experience helping individual adults and couples with a variety of issues.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

 

How Can People-Pleasing Behavior Affect a Relationship?

Individuals who engage in people-pleasing behavior are often unaware of how their behavior can affect their relationship to their partner as well as their relationship to themselves (see my article: Trauma and People-Pleasing Behavior).

What is People-Pleasing in a Relationship?

People-pleasing in a relationship involves prioritizing the needs, desires and opinions of a partner over your own.  As mentioned above, this behavior comes at the expense of the individual's well-being and the emotional health of the relationship.

People-Pleasing Behavior 

What Are the Characteristics of People-Pleasing Behavior?

Individuals who engage in people-pleasing behavior tend to be overly giving because they need to be needed.

Common traits include:

• Having low self worth
• Having little self awareness
• Behaving in an overly agreeable manner
• Accommodating other people's needs at the expense of their own
• Going with the flow of other people's desires
• Being unable to assert their own needs or not even understanding their own needs
• Feeling a sense of worth based on other people's validation as opposed to internal validation
• Apologizing when no apology is necessary
• Taking the blame when they are not at fault
• Making excuses for other people's problematic behavior

What is at the Root of People-Pleasing Behavior?

People-pleasing behavior usually stems from fear of rejection or fear of failure which is usually rooted in early childhood. 

This might involve a parent whose love was conditional so the child learns they have to earn their parent's love at the expense of their own needs.  It might also involve a parent who was emotionally distant or who was emotionally inconsistent (see my article: Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families and People-Pleasing Behavior).

The hallmark of people-pleasing behavior is that individuals look for validation from others as opposed to validating themselves. They want to feel liked and accepted by others because if they can feel validated by others, they feel worthwhile.

These individuals are often conflict avoidant. They like to avoid arguments and confrontations (see my article:  How to Prevent Conflict Avoidance From Ruining Your Relationship).

As a result, they might not tell others how they really feel (or they might not understand how they feel) because their main objective is to keep others happy.

How Does People-Pleasing Behavior Impact Relationships?

The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many different cases, is an example of how people-pleasing behavior can impact a relationship:

Jane and Bill

When Jane and Bill began dating, Jane often deferred to whatever Bill wanted to do. When he asked her what she would like to do on a Saturday night, she would usually respond by saying, "Whatever you want to do."

People-Pleasing Behavior in a Relationship

Over time, Jane gradually stopped seeing her friends because she wanted to be available in case Bill called her and wanted to go out.  

After they got married, Bill got a job offer which involved moving from New York City to Mexico City. 

Before he accepted the offer, Bill talked to Jane about how she would feel leaving her teaching job in New York and moving to Mexico. Without considering how she felt, Jane told Bill that if he wanted to move to Mexico City, she would be okay with moving.

Once the school year was over for Jane, they moved to Mexico City and Jane was more isolated than ever. She didn't speak Spanish, she hard no interest in learning, and she hardly ever went out of their apartment. She also felt too insecure to make friends with some of the other American women who lived nearby.

A year into their marriage, Bill knew their relationship was in trouble. He felt resentful that Jane always went along with whatever he wanted whenever there were big decisions to be made. He also felt lonely because he felt the emotional distance that was growing between them.

When a promotion opened up in New York City, Bill talked to Jane about moving back. He told her that he thought she was too isolated in Mexico City. He also shared how lonely he felt with her and he suggested they attend couples therapy when they returned to New York.

Jane complied with Bill's wishes to move back to New York and to get into couples therapy.  She wasn't fully aware of how unhappy Bill was until they began their couples therapy sessions and he talked about his despair in the relationship.

At first, Jane couldn't understand why Bill would be unhappy. She felt she was doing everything she could to make him happy and she feared he would leave her, which made her feel even more insecure.

During their couples therapy sessions, Jane began to understand how she tended to submit to whatever Bill wanted in an effort to feel worthy of their relationship. She also realized she needed to attend her own individual therapy to understand why she felt so out of touch with her own wants and needs.

Over time, Jane was able to trace her people-pleasing behavior to her relationship with her parents who were usually too preoccupied with their own interests to take notice of Jane--unless she performed very well in school or received an award. She gained insight into the root of her behavior and how it was damaging to her and her relationship with Bill.

The work in therapy was neither quick nor easy, but over time Jane gained more of a sense of self. She also realized that her behavior was driven by her fear and insecurity that if she didn't go along with whatever Bill wanted, he would leave her.

The dynamic in their relationship changed slowly over time as Jane got to know herself better and realized that her relationship with Bill was different from her relationship with her parents (see my article: Working Through Emotional Trauma By Learning to Separate "Then" From "Now").

Between her individual therapy sessions, she wrote in her journal as a way to self reflect and understand her feelings. Before she automatically said "yes" to Bill, she thought about what she really wanted.  She also realized that whenever she felt she "should" do something, it was usually out of a sense of obligation instead of what she really wanted. 

In addition, Jane became aware that whenever she remained silent about her misgivings, her resentment came out in other ways, so she learned to express her feelings rather than keeping them to herself (see my article: Letting Go of Resentment in Your Relationship).

Jane also reconnected with her friends and developed new hobbies of her own.

As Jane's confidence grew, she became an equal partner in her relationship with Bill. Their relationship also matured and deepened in a way that made them both happier.

Conclusion

People-pleasing behavior in relationships often has its roots in early family dynamics.

People-pleasing behavior in relationships often remains unconscious until problems arise and the couple explores their dynamic.

This behavior is often difficult to overcome on your own without working with a mental health professional.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you are stuck in people-pleasing behavior, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who can help you to gain insight so you can become your own person.

Getting Help in Therapy

Learning to validate yourself rather than depending upon external validation is part of the process (see my article: What is Self Validation?).

Rather than remaining stuck, get help from a skilled mental health professional so you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (Ego States Therapy and IFS), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

Over the years, I have helped many individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Debunking Common Myths About Anxiety

Anxiety is a common psychological condition; however, unfortunately, there are many misconceptions about anxiety (see my article: What is the Difference Between Fear and Anxiety?).

Debunking Common Myths About Anxiety

Anxiety is a treatable and legitimate condition--not a sign of personal weakness. 

Over 40 million adults experience some form of anxiety annually in the United States.

Debunking Common Myths About Anxiety

• Anxiety Isn't An Overreaction or Being "Dramatic": Anxiety disorders are mental health diagnoses that are real. 

• Anxiety Isn't a Sign of Weakness: Anyone can develop an anxiety disorder. It's not a sign of weakness and shouldn't be stigmatized. 

Debunking Common Myths About Anxiety

• You Can't Just "Snap Out of It" or "Relax": Anxiety isn't a voluntary condition. It requires help from a mental health professional.

• Avoiding Triggers Won't Cure Anxiety: Avoiding triggers can reinforce anxiety and make it worse over time. It requires active mental health treatment from a qualified licensed mental health professional (see my article: Avoidance Coping as a Maladaptive "Coping" Strategy).

• Anxiety Isn't in Your Mind: Anxiety includes physical and mental health symptoms which can include panic, racing heart, feeling dizzy, nausea and so on.

• Medication Isn't the Only Treatment: Psychotherapy, lifestyle changes and self care are often effective without medication. Each person who experiences anxiety needs to be assessed for their particular symptoms and their particular mental health needs, which might include medication. 

Note: The purpose of this article is only to provide information. An assessment and diagnosis needs to be made by a qualified medical or mental health professional.

Getting Help in Therapy For Anxiety

Anxiety can include many different types of anxiety-related diagnoses including panic attacks, posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and generalized anxiety to name a few (see my article: Getting Help in Therapy For Anxiety).

Getting Help in Therapy For Anxiety

If you have been experiencing anxiety, you owe it to yourself to get help from a licensed mental health professional.

Developing the tools and strategies to cope with anxiety and getting to the underlying issues can help you to lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have helped many individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To schedule a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

Debunking Myths About Depression

What is a Trauma Therapist? 

Posttraumatic Growth

Debunking Common Myths About Depression

Depression is one of the most common diagnoses in the United States and, yet, it's a diagnosis that is still poorly understood with many misconceptions (see my article: What is the Difference Between Sadness and Depression?).

Debunking Common Myths About Depression

According to the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH), more than 21 million people had at least one depressive episode in 2020. However, people who are depressed continue to be stigmatized because misconceptions about depression persist.

What Are the Symptoms of Depression?

Depression symptoms involve a persistent low mood or loss of interest in activities lasting two weeks or more as well as some or all of the symptoms mentioned below.

The following are among the symptoms that can be depression, but a differential diagnosis must be made by a skilled mental health professional:

• Feeling Down or Empty: A feeling that does not go away
• Loss of interest in activities that were enjoyable before: Anhedonia
• Hopelessness/Pessimism: A bleak outlook about the future
• Feelings of Worthlessness/Guilt: Intense feelings of failure or self blame
• Irritability and Restlessness: Particularly common in men
• Suicidal Thoughts: Thoughts of death or self harm
• Fatigue: Extreme lack of energy or feeling "slowed down"
• Appetite/Weight Changes: Significant weight loss or weight gain; increased or decreased appetite
• Physical Pain: Headaches, cramps or digestive problems that do not improve with treatment
• Reduced Concentration: Difficulty focusing, remembering or making decisions
• Social Isolation: Withdrawing from friends and loved ones

Symptoms in Different Groups:

Men: Men are more likely to show anger, irritability, aggression and more likely to engage in high-risk activities.

Debunking Common Myths About Depression

Women: Women may experience symptoms related to menstrual cycles (e.g., Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder)

Children/Teens: Children and teens may exhibit irritability, outbursts or poor performance in school--although some children and teens don't exhibit these symptoms.

When to Seek Help Immediately

If you or someone you know is experiencing suicidal thoughts, seek help immediately by calling 911 or going to your nearest emergency room.

Common Myths About Depression Debunked

• Depression Isn't All in Your Head: Depression is a biological, social and psychological disorder. It can be chronic and requires psychological treatment. 

• Depression Isn't Only Brought On By a Traumatic Event: A traumatic event isn't necessarily the cause of depression. For example, while experiencing grief is common, someone who is depressed can experience symptoms for a longer period of time than someone who has a loss but who isn't depressed. 

• Medication Alone Doesn't Always Help Depression: The best combination of treatment is often a combination of psychotherapy and, if needed, medication.

Debunking Common Myths About Depression

• You Can't Just "Snap Out of It": Depression isn't a choice. You can't just "snap out of it" with positive thinking (see my article: What is Toxic Positivity?).

• Depression Doesn't Look the Same For Everyone: There is no one-size-fits-all experience of depression. Each person can have different symptoms and a different experience.

• Depression Isn't the Same as Feeling Sad: Feeling sad and being depressed are two different things. Feeling sad or "down" usually doesn't last as long as a depressive episode. 

• Depression Isn't a Sign of Weakness: Anyone can experience depression. Depression is a biological and psychological condition that has nothing to do with being "weak" or "strong".

• Talking About Depression Doesn't Make It Worse: Working with a skilled mental health professional can help to provide clarity and hope. Silence perpetuates the stigma against depression and can increase feelings of isolation.

Note: The purpose of this article is only to provide information. For medical advice or diagnosis, consult a mental health professional who has an expertise in working with individuals who experience depression.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing, Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy) and a Certified Sex Therapist.

I have helped many individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: "I'm Sorry You Feel That Way" Isn't An Apology

I often hear individuals in relationships complain that their partner says, "I'm sorry you feel that way" instead of apologizing, so I think this is an important topic to discuss. 

Give a Sincere Apology

Why Isn't Saying "I'm sorry you feel that way" An Apology?

This phrase shifts the focus from the behavior of the person apologizing to the reaction of the recipient's emotions, which invalidates the recipient's experience rather than the person apologizing accepting responsibility for whatever was said or done.

Consciously or unconsciously, this is a defensive tactic. When it's used consciously, it's a form of gaslighting and can be infuriating for the recipient because it's a non-apology. When it's used unconsciously, it's defensive.

Many relationships, friendships and family relationships have been ruined with the phrase "I'm sorry you feel that way".

When you say "I'm sorry you feel that way", you're being rude and dismissive. Instead of expressing remorse, you are communicating, "You're wrong and I'm right."

How to Apologize Sincerely

A sincere apology requires:

• Taking Responsibility: Taking full responsibility for your behavior promptly without making excuses.

• Avoiding Certain Words: Don't use words like "but" and "if", like "I'm sorry I hurt you, but..." or "I'm sorry if you were hurt..."

• Apologize Face to Face: If face to face isn't possible, calling is better than emailing or texting

Give a Sincere Apology

• Be Genuine: Express genuine remorse.

• Offer Amends: Offer to make amends and offer a possible solution to make things right.

• Name Your Specific Behavior: Name the behavior that hurt or harmed the other person. 

• Practice Active Listening: Listen to the other person's feelings without interrupting or getting defensive. Defensiveness invalidates the other person's feelings.

• Avoid Judging the Person: Don't tell the other person that they are overreacting.

• Make a Commitment to Improve Your Behavior: Commit to making a change and express how you will prevent it from happening again.

What If You Don't Think You Did Anything Wrong?

Even if you think what you did or said wasn't wrong or not that bad, it's still important to apologize when you have upset someone.

If you want to preserve the relationship, you need to let go of issues about right or wrong to try to understand the other person's experience and re-establish connection with them.

What If the Other Person Doesn't Accept Your Apology Immediately?

The other person might not be ready to accept your apology right away, so:

• Give Time and Space: Don't demand a response or closure. They might need time to process their hurt. If you continue to push for acceptance of your apology, you come across as being disrespectful.

Give a Sincere Apology

• Respect Their Decision: Accept that you can't force someone to forgive you.

• Don't Take Back Your Apology: Even if the other person rejects your apology, don't take back your apology. Stay firm in accepting your responsibility.

• Show, Don't Tell: Allow your future actions to reflect your remorse. Consistent positive behavior is worth more than words.

• Be Patient: Reconciliation might not happen immediately. In some cases, it might not happen at all and that's something you have to accept.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

As an experienced therapist, I have helped many individual adults and couples over the years.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

Asking For Forgiveness - The Power of Making Amends  

Making and Receiving Loving Gestures in Your Relationship to Repair  

What Does Forgiving Mean?

When Your Efforts to Make Amends Are Rejected 

Learning to Forgive Yourself 

The Psychological Stages of Forgiveness 

Does Forgiving Mean Forgetting?

How Can Reading the Odyssey Foster Psychological Growth?

I've been rereading the Odyssey lately. 

This is the third time I've read it and I find that each time I read it, I appreciate the story in new and different ways. 

This made me think about how reading the Odyssey can foster psychological growth.

The Odyssey

How Can Reading the Odyssey Foster Psychological Growth?

I have written in prior articles about using metaphors and how applying the "Hero's Journey" can be personally meaningful (see my article: How Does the Hero's Journey Help You to Cope With Big Changes in Your Life?).

The Odyssey is a foundational template for the "Hero's Journey". It is a classic example of the hero receiving the "call" to adventure, the trials the hero must undergo and the eventual return home with all the personal benefits of having gone on the journey.

The Odyssey can be thought of as a metaphor for each person's personal journey in terms of navigating difficult times in life and fostering self discovery and renewal:

• Promoting Resilience and Adaptability: Odysseus's challenges emphasize that overcoming problems requires endurance, strategic thinking and accepting help.  Similarly, overcoming personal challenges can promote resilience and adaptability, which are important life skills (see my article: Developing Emotional Resilience).

The Odyssey

• Reframing Personal Struggles: The Odyssey helps us to see that our personal struggles can be reframed in such a way to help us face the challenges as well as the future and whatever problems might lie ahead.

• Promoting Individuation and Integration: From a Jungian perspective, Odysseus's journey represents a process of integrating different aspects of the psyche to reach a state of wholeness and maturity.

• Creating Meaning and Connection: Odysseus's homecoming after 10 years at war and another 10 years of trying to get home emphasize the need for creating meaning, connection and peace.

Aside from fostering personal growth, the Odyssey is a wonderful read. 

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have helped many individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Article:

How Does Imagery and Imagination Enhance Psychotherapy? 

How Reading Literature Can Have a Positive Effect on Your Brain

Relationships: Overcoming Fear of Commitment

Why do certain people have a fear of making a commitment in a relationship--even after the couple has been together for a while? (see my article: Are You Dating Someone Who Has a Fear of Commitment?).

Overcoming a Fear of Commitment

While the reasons for fear of commitment are as varied as the individuals who have this fear, there are often certain psychological issues:

• Fear of Losing Independence: For instance, some people fear that making a commitment to move in with a partner or to get married automatically means losing their autonomy to engage in their hobbies, spend time with friends or other activities they enjoy without their partner.

Overcoming Fear of Commitment

• Fear of Being Controlled: If an individual isn't in a relationship with someone who is controlling, a fear of being controlled or "smothered" often stems from childhood experiences. Talking about commitment can trigger a fight-or-flight response to avoid the fear of being controlled or dominated again.

• Avoidant Attachment Style: An avoidant attachment style, like any attachment style, is on a continuum. Some individuals with an avoidant attachment style feel they would rather be alone to protect themselves from the emotional vulnerability involved with being in a committed relationship.

• Fear of Rejection or Abandonment: Some people avoid making a commitment because they fear their partner will eventually leave them. By remaining uncommitted, they protect themselves from the pain of a potential breakup (see my article: Fear of Abandonment Can Occur Even in a Healthy, Stable Relationship).

Overcoming Fear of Commitment

• Unresolved Trauma From Childhood or Prior Relationships: Experiences like witnessing parents' unhappy marriage as a child, being cheated on by a prior partner, a messy divorce or other similar unresolved traumatic situations can leave deep emotional wounds. These individuals might associate making a commitment with pain and loss (see my article: Reacting to the Present Based on Your Traumatic Past).

• The Paradox of Choice: Individuals who use dating apps often feel they have endless choices. Some people hesitate to make a commitment because they fear they might be missing out on a "better match" which can lead to "decision paralysis."

Overcoming Your Fear of Making a Commitment

• Identify Underlying Fears: If you have a fear of making a commitment, especially if you have encountered this fear many times with individuals you care about in healthy relationships, you can start by identifying your underlying fears.

Overcoming a Fear of Commitment

• Challenge Your Thoughts About "What If" Scenarios: Take an objective look at your "what if" fears and ask yourself how likely these scenarios will occur. Separate out your fears from the past from your current situation (see my article: Feeling Aren't Facts).

• Don't Project Too Far Into the Future: Instead of wondering whether or not you'll be happy 15 years from now, focus on the present.

• Establish Autonomy in Your Relationship: A healthy relationship allows for shared time together as well as independent time to pursue other interests.

• Accept Imperfection: Nothing is perfect. As long as there aren't dealbreakers (e.g., one of you wants to have children and the other doesn't), accept that no relationship is perfect. Focus on teamwork with your partner.

• Take Small Manageable Steps: Check in with yourself and your partner after a few dates. If you both want to continue dating, check in after a couple of months, six months, a year and two years to assess how you each feel (see my article: Making Changes One Step at a Time).

Getting Help in Therapy

• Get Help in Therapy: If the self help steps above aren't working for you, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional to explore the underlying unconscious issues that you might not see on your own. Depending upon the problems involved, either individual therapy or couples therapy could be helpful rather than struggling on your own.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have helped many individual adults and couples over the years in person and online.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.