Accepting What You Cannot Change is a Form of Change

The Serenity Prayer was written by the American theologian Reinhold Niebuhr in the 1940s. The first part of the Serenity Prayer asks for the "serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference."

Accepting What You Cannot Change is a Form of Change

The Serenity Prayer provides a framework for dealing with life's challenges. The prayer fosters acceptance, courage and wisdom. It also encourages a shift in your focus from what you can't control to what you can control. This helps to relieve anxiety and promote a sense of peace and this is why it's used in 12 Step programs.

Accepting What You Cannot Change is a Form of Change

In addition, the Serenity Prayer can be an effective tool in any mental health treatment because it encourages mindfulness, taking action and finding comfort in a higher power or in a personal philosophy.

Why is Accepting What You Cannot Change is a Form of Change?

Accepting what you cannot change is a form of change because it helps you to shift your internal state from fighting what you cannot change (reality) to changing your perspective.  This frees you up to redirect your energy to what you can control.  

Accepting What You Cannot Change is a Form of Change

This shift in your perspective from struggling to acceptance creates the space to develop new goals, to find peace and build resilience--even though the external situation remains the same.

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many cases, illustrates how accepting what cannot be changed is a form of change:

Jim

When Jim was growing up, his mother was deeply depressed. As a child, he took it upon himself to try to make her feel better by trying to comfort her, but she remained depressed no matter what he did.

His mother spent most of her time in bed because she was so overwhelmed by her depression. Jim's father didn't know how to deal with the mother's depression, so he buried himself in his work and spent as much time as he could at the office and on business trips to escape from the mother.

As an only child, Jim was often alone with his mother. Instead of going out to play with other children, Jim stayed home and laid next to his mother because it was the only way he connect to her emotionally and physically.

On the rare occasions when his mother felt a little better, he would play cards with her, watch her favorite TV shows or tell her jokes to try to make her laugh.

As a young child, he didn't realize that he was sacrificing so much of himself to try to enliven his mother--even though nothing he did helped (see my article: What is Self Abandonment?).

As an adult, Jim never gave up his wish to heal his mother. Although he realized on a certain level that there was nothing he could do for her, especially since she didn't want to get professional help, he kept trying to help her. The wish to help her mother remained strong for him.

Accepting What You Cannot Change is a Form of Change

Since he connected with his mother through her depression, he also felt depressed himself. When he sought help in therapy, initially, he focused on trying to find a way to help his mother.  

Over time, his therapist helped Jim to understand that he had abandoned himself at a young age and sacrificed his childhood by focusing on his mother. Although he realized he missed out on a lot as a child, he felt he couldn't let go of his wish to, somehow, find a way to cure his mother.

He had a strong wish to find just the right words or take the right action that would persuade his mother to get help. Even though he knew logically that he couldn't heal his mother and she probably wouldn't get better if she didn't want to get help, letting go of that wish was very challenging for him. He felt like giving up on that wish would make him disloyal to his mother. He also felt like he would lose the only connection he felt with his mother by giving up on helping her.

Over time, Jim learned to focus on himself more, but it wasn't easy. He developed more of a social life with friends. He began to date. He also developed interests and hobbies that were fulfilling to him.

Gradually, he stopped trying to convince his mother to go to therapy. This letting go brought a lot of grief that he dealt with in his therapy. 

His mother, who refused to get help in therapy, noticed that Jim wasn't trying to persuade her to get help anymore and she asked him why he stopped. He responded by telling her that he was learning to accept that if she didn't want to get help, he had no power to change her mind. 

They remained silent together for a few minutes as they both allowed that thought to sink in. Jim was surprised to hear himself say this and his mother was also surprised.

Jim recognized that by accepting what he couldn't change, he was shifting his perspective, even though it was very sad for him, and he was freeing himself emotionally and psychologically to find inner peace, pursue his own goals and personal growth.

Several weeks after he and his mother had their talk, his mother called him to say she realized she had focused a lot of her energy in pushing against his pleas for her to get help. Now that he was no longer trying to convince her and she was no longer focused on refusing to get help, she realized she needed help for her depression, so she made an appointment with a therapist who specialized in depression.

Jim worked in his therapy to overcome the trauma he took on when he took on his mother's depression as a child. His therapist used EMDR Therapy and Parts Work Therapy to help him to heal.

His work in therapy was neither quick nor easy, but he felt himself gradually coming alive in ways he had not experienced before. 

Conclusion

The Serenity Prayer encourages accepting the things that cannot be changed and this is a wise philosophy, but it's not always easy to know what can be changed and what cannot be changed. This is usually a process that each individual explores and comes to their own conclusions.

On a superficial level, accepting what cannot be changed is often seen as passive behavior--a kind of giving up as if the individual isn't doing anything. But the reality is that acceptance of what cannot be changed is an active process where individuals explore their inner world as well as the external world they're trying to change.

As in the vignette above, sometimes trying to change someone who is depressed or struggling with other psychological problems is a way of remaining emotionally attached to them. In the composite vignette above the only way for Jim, as a child, to have an emotional attachment with his mother was to remain immersed in her depression and to try to help her, which would have been impossible for a child.

The wish to try to change someone can be so strong that it eclipses everything else. The intention of the wish usually comes from a loving place, but it's often not realistic, especially if the other person doesn't want to be helped.

Getting to point of acceptance can be a long process, but it's an active process of self examination and coming to grips with reality.  This often involves working on longstanding unresolved trauma.

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

If you're struggling with unresolved trauma, you could benefit from working with a trauma therapist.

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who specializes in trauma therapy.

Freeing yourself from a traumatic history can allow you to live a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

As a trauma therapist, I have helped many individual adults and couples to overcome a traumatic history.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Self Abandonment - Part 2: A Clinical Vignette

In my last article about self abandonment I defined self abandonment and the circumstances where this dynamic occurs.  In this article, I give a fictional clinical vignette to further illustrate these dynamics.

Self Abandonment: A Clinical Vignette

As I mentioned in my prior article, some of the ways that self abandonment can take place include the following

• A pattern of ignoring your well-being to focus on others

• Placing your well-being in the hands of others and depending upon them for your happiness

• Judging yourself harshly for making these choices

A Fictional Clinical Vignette About Self Abandonment
The following vignette is a composite of many different stories with all identifying information removed to protect confidentiality:

Nina
Nina started psychotherapy in an emotional crisis.

Her three year relationship with Mike ended a month prior to her starting therapy when Mike told her that he no longer wanted to be in a relationship.

He denied that he was interested in anyone else. He said he felt pressured by Nina to take the next step in their relationship and he wasn't ready to do that.  He said he wasn't sure if he would ever be ready with her or anyone else.

Self Abandonment: A Clinical Vignette

Nina felt devastated when Mike broke up with her.  At 35, she had hoped that they would eventually get married and have children.  Now she wondered if she would ever be married and have a family.

After the breakup, Nina couldn't sleep, she couldn't concentrate at work, and she often cried throughout the day.

All she could think about was Mike and how much she wanted him back.  She tried to reach Mike by phone, text and email to try to reconcile their relationship.  But after he broke up with her, he refused to respond.

Nina felt she couldn't talk to anyone about the breakup because, after they met Mike a few times, her friends warned her that Mike would hurt her.

They thought he was narcissistic, and they disliked that he was openly critical of Nina in front of them.

See my articles: 

Could It Be That Your Friends See Things About Your Significant Other That You Don't See?

Belittling Behavior in Relationships

Her friends also thought he was immature and irresponsible when he told them that he wasn't showing up for work because his boss didn't give him the praise he felt he deserved.  His attitude resulted in his losing one job after another.

Nina defended him to her friends by telling them that they didn't understand him.  She said she saw a side of Mike that no one else saw and she thought they were being harsh.

After listening to Nina complain to them and then defend him many times, her friends were tired of it.  They told her that it would be better for her not to talk about it with them anymore.

Before the breakup, Nina continued to see her friends, but she stopped talking about her relationship with Mike and, at her friends' request, she no longer included Mike in their get-togethers because they didn't like him.

Now, Nina felt alone and miserable.  She couldn't believe this was happening to her, and she didn't understand why Mike broke up with her.

It was true, she said, she suggested that they move in together.  But she didn't expect Mike to have such a strong reaction to their conversation, "It's not like I gave him an ultimatum."

Nina's psychotherapist focused on helping Nina to get through this difficult time (see my article: Developing Internal Resources and Coping Strategies).

She taught Nina how to develop a wind down routine before going to bed so she could sleep better.  She also taught her how to do a relaxing meditation, a breathing exercise, and recommended that Nina keep a journal to express her feelings.

Once Nina was more on an even keel emotionally, Nina and her therapist explored the dynamics in her relationship with Mike with an emphasis on Nina's self defeating behavior.

Her psychotherapist explained the concept of self abandonment to Nina and tried to help Nina to develop insight into her own behavior.  But, initially, every time that her psychotherapist talked to Nina about how she didn't take care of herself, Nina would try to talk about Mike and what he said and did.

In a gentle, tactful way, Nina's therapist kept bringing the focus back to Nina and pointing out how Nina kept avoiding looking at her own behavior because she was so focused on Mike (see my article: Overcoming Codependency: Taking Care of Yourself First).

Nina wasn't accustomed to focusing on herself.  At first, she felt like she was being selfish and self centered (see my article: Is Self Care Selfish?).

But, over time, Nina began to understand how focusing on Mike was a way to avoid looking at herself and that she wouldn't develop insight into what happened until she was able to look at her own dynamics in the relationship (see my article: Changing Maladaptive Coping Strategies That Don't Work: Avoidance).

Gradually, as the therapy progressed, Nina realized that in her relationship with Mike and in her prior relationships, not only did she focus on her boyfriend, she abandoned her own needs and gave away her personal power.

See my articles:  

Relationships: Are You Giving Away Your Personal Power?

Taking Back Your Personal Power

Over time, Nina also realized that she wanted so much to be in a relationship that she avoided the warning signs that were there all along and that her friends could see more objectively (see my article: Are You Ignoring the Early Warning Signs in Your Relationship?).

Nina and her therapist were able to trace back these ingrained dynamics to Nina's family history.  As the oldest, Nina became a parentified child to a single mother who turned to Nina for mothering from the time Nina was a young child.  She also expected Nina to take care of her younger siblings.

Nina worked through the trauma of her emotional neglect as a child.

Se my articles: 

What is Childhood Emotional Neglect?

What is the Connection Between Childhood Emotional Neglect and Problems Later On in Adult Relationships?

She also talked to her friends about the breakup and what she was learning about herself in therapy.

When she began dating again, she didn't allow her fears to get in the way of being more discerning when she met men (see my article: Choosing Healthier Relationships).

Although it was difficult for her, Nina also learned to like herself more and to take better care of herself.

Conclusion
Self abandonment can occur in many different ways.  It often involves codependency in relationships, as illustrated in the fictional vignette above.

Psychotherapy can help people who engage in this self destructive dynamic to develop insight, learn how to take better care of themselves, and change this self defeating pattern.

Getting Help in Therapy
Self abandonment usually involves unconscious behavior that has its roots in early childhood.

It's very difficult to change this self defeating behavior on your own, even when you're aware of  it, because the early roots of this behavior usually remain out of awareness.

Working with a skilled psychotherapist, you can develop insight into your behavior and change your pattern of relating to yourself and others (see my articles: The Benefits of Psychotherapy and How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

It takes courage to seek help in therapy to change (see my article:  Developing the Courage to Change).

By taking care of yourself and choosing healthier relationships, you can lead a more fulfilling and meaningful life.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrated Psychotherapy).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Self Abandonment: Part 1: What is Self Abandonment?

In my prior articles, I've written about abandonment in terms of feeling or being abandoned by parents, romantic partners, and friends.

See my articles: 

Fear of Abandonment: Leaving Your Relationship Because You're Afraid of Being Abandoned

The Connection Between Fear of Abandonment and Codependency

How Psychotherapy Can Help You to Overcome Fear of Abandonment 

I'm focusing on self abandonment in this article, a form of abandonment that is not talked about as much.

Self Abandonment: Part 1: What is Self Abandonment?

What is Self Abandonment?
The following list are signs of self abandonment:

• Ignoring Your Own Well-Being Consistently to Focus on Others:  Rather than attending to your own feelings and what's best for you, you consistently ignore your well-being to focus on others--family members, friends, romantic partners and others.  Rather than taking care of yourself, you consistently prioritize others' needs over your own, even in relationships where there is little to no reciprocity.  This is codependent behavior.  You avoid thinking about your own feelings of sadness, loneliness or emptiness because it makes you feel too uncomfortable.  After a while, you might become so disconnected from your inner emotional world that you experience emotional numbing and no longer know what you feel.  You no longer know your emotional truth. You might even see self care as being "selfish."

See my articles: 

What Happens When You Numb Yourself Emotionally?

Is Self Care Selfish?

Overcoming Codependency: Taking Care of Yourself First

• Placing Your Well-Being in Others' Hands:  Instead of taking care and nurturing yourself, you rely on others to do it for you.  You might be hoping, as an adult, to get from others what you didn't get as a child from one or both of your parents.  Even though you're hoping to get what you have needed for a long time from someone else, you might unconsciously choose people as romantic partners who can't or won't provide you with the love and nurturance that you need.  When you don't get what you need emotionally from your significant other, you interpret this as a sign that you're not worthy of being loved and it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. Eventually, after several disappointing and hurtful relationships, you might give up completely on relationships (see my next description, Judging Yourself Harshly

See my articles: 

Emotionally Unhealthy Relationships: Bad Luck or Poor Choices

Choosing Healthier Romantic Relationships

• Judging Yourself Harshly:  Rather than having a balanced view of your strengths and areas where you could improve, you consistently judge yourself harshly and you tell yourself, "I'm no good" or "I'm stupid" or "I'm unlovable" or some variation of these internal messages.  When someone compliments you, you feel so uncomfortable that you're quick to deflect and deny the compliment.

See my articles: 

Overcoming the Emotional Pain of Feeling Unlovable

Overcoming the Fear That People Wouldn't Like You If They Knew the "Real You" 

Overcoming the Internal Critic

Next Article:
In my next article, I'll provide a clinical vignette to expand on this topic and discuss ways to overcome a pattern of self abandonment: Self Abandonment - Part 2: A Clinical Vignette

Getting Help in Therapy
People who engage in self abandonment often don't realize that they're doing it because the behavior is so ingrained and often unconscious.

Having no recognition of how they betray themselves, they might not seek help until they're in an emotional crisis and in despair.

Once the crisis is over or they enter into a new relationship, they "feel better" and they often don't stick with therapy to change the underlying self destructive patterns--until they're in the next emotional crisis (see my article:Leaving Therapy Prematurely and Remaining in Therapy Beyond the Immediate Crisis).

If you recognize yourself in this article, you could benefit from getting help in therapy, and sticking with therapy to learn to develop a healthier sense of self (see my article: The Benefits of Psychotherapy).

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to recognize and change self destructive patterns that are keeping you stuck in your life (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

Once you've become aware of your self destructive patterns and worked through earlier trauma at the root of your problem so you can change, you can lead a more meaningful and fulfilling life.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapy, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.