Overcoming Recurring Patterns of Self Sabotaging Behavior

Becoming aware of your recurring self sabotaging behavior requires a willingness to explore your patterns with self compassion.

What is Self Sabotaging Behavior?

Self sabotaging behavior often begins with unconscious thoughts and emotions that create roadblocks to your personal growth, well-being, goals and success (see my article: Making the Unconscious Conscious).

Overcoming Recurring Patterns of Self Sabotage

Self sabotaging behavior usually involves a conflict between what you want and your unconscious fears or insecurity.

What Causes Self Sabotaging Behavior?

The root of self sabotaging behavior often begins in early childhood. This might include early messages from parents that you're not good enough or you're unlovable. 

These traumatic messages usually get internalized at a deep unconscious level so that, as an adult, you might not recognize the origin of your self sabotaging behavior (see my article: Overcoming Trauma: You're Not Defined By Your History).

Overcoming Recurring Patterns of Self Sabotage

Growing up in a chaotic, unpredictable environment can create a fear of change so that you remain stuck in unhealthy ways of being (see my article: How Does Shame Develop at an Early Age?).

In addition, you might equate what is familiar to you, including self sabotaging behavior, as "safety" even if you are aware that it's unhealthy. In other words, you might prefer what is known, including unhealthy behavior, to what is unknown, including trying to develop healthier ways of coping.

Self sabotaging behavior is often triggered by stressful situations. 

When you have little to no awareness about what triggers your behavior, your pattern continues because, instead of exploring what triggered the behavior, you fall into the trap of continuing to enact the same self destructive patterns (see my article: What is Self Abandonment?).

What Are Examples of Self Sabotaging Behavior?

The following are a few examples of self sabotaging behavior:

• Procrastination: Delaying tasks to avoid potential failure or judgment including self judgment (see my article: Overcoming Procrastination)

• Perfectionism: Setting unrealistic standards which causes stagnation (see my article: Overcoming Perfectionism)

Overcoming Recurring Patterns of Self Sabotage

• Escapism: Using unhealthy coping skills to avoid dealing with uncomfortable emotions. These unhealthy coping skills might include excessive drinking, illicit drugs, compulsive gambling, overspending and other attempts to escape

• Relationship Sabotage: Pushing people away, avoiding vulnerability or creating conflict in a relationship as a way to create emotional distance

• Negative Self Talk: Self criticism which erodes your self esteem

• Avoiding New Opportunities: Ignoring or withdrawing from new challenges or opportunities for growth (see my article: Opening Up to New Possibilities in Your Life)

• Remaining Stuck in Unhealthy Familiar Patterns : Refusing to try new things because what is familiar feels "safer" even if it is self destructive

How to Overcome Recurring Patterns of Self Sabotaging Behavior

• Awareness: In order to change any kind of unhealthy pattern of behavior, you must first become aware of the pattern. This means that, instead of blaming others or "bad luck", you need to look at how you are contributing to your problems. Self compassion is an important part of this step because if your awareness triggers self criticism, you can get stuck in a loop of unhealthy behavior. This involves taking a step back and looking for recurring patterns of behavior. For instance, if you have problems with relationship sabotage, you become aware of your contribution to recurring problems in relationships.

Overcoming Recurring Patterns of Self Sabotage

• Identify Triggers and Recurring Patterns: Track your actions to identify your triggers and recurring patterns. For instance, you might realize in hindsight that a pattern of procrastination starts with your fear of failure. You can do this by journaling about your thoughts, emotions and behavior, including recurring unhealthy patterns. After you have identified the patterns, write about how you want to handle these situations.

• Challenge Your Negative Thoughts: Replace negative thoughts with realistic positive thoughts (see my article: Overcoming Habitual Negative Thoughts).

• Set Manageable Goals: Since feeling overwhelmed can trigger avoidance behavior, break down big tasks into smaller parts to reduce the likelihood of feeling overwhelmed.

• Learn to Be in the Present Moment: Develop healthy habits, like practicing breathing exercises and mindfulness, to be in the present moment rather than allowing your thoughts to project too far into the future. 

Get Help in Therapy

Recurring patterns of ingrained self sabotaging behavior can be difficult to identify and even more challenging to change on your own because these patterns often start at a young age before you realize it.

Get Help in Therapy

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who has an expertise in helping clients to change self sabotaging behavior.

Once you have freed yourself from these unhealthy behaviors, you can live a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have over 25 years of experience helping individual adults and couples (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Article:

Overcoming Self Sabotaging Behavior 

Do You Feel Entitled to Set Boundaries With the People in Your Life?

Setting boundaries with the people in your life is an act of self care (see my article: How to Set Boundaries Without Guilt).

Setting Boundaries

But if you're someone who doesn't feel entitled to set boundaries, you might feel that boundary setting is an act of aggression (see my article: What's the Difference Between Assertive and Aggressive Behavior?)

Self Abandonment and People Pleasing Tendencies

Not setting boundaries is often a survival strategy children learn in families where they weren't allowed to say "no". 

If you grew up in such a family, maybe you were even punished for expressing your feelings, especially if they were contrary to your parents' feelings. 

If you weren't allowed to say "no" as a child, you might have believed that you could only earn love if you were compliant with your parents' wishes. As a result, you learned self abandonment (see my article: What is Self Abandonment?).

Maybe you were also raised to believe you should feel guilty if you didn't comply with your parents' wishes. As a result, you might have developed people pleasing tendencies as a way to to avoid displeasing others. So, you might have learned to feel you're responsible for other people's comfort and happiness--even if it meant you neglected your own.

People who have an anxious attachment style are especially prone to fear that setting boundaries is an existential threat in terms of losing a relationship or a friendship.

Many women are socialized to believe they need to be nurturers who are "flexible" to the point where setting a boundary might be contrary to their role.

Confusion About What It Means to Set Boundaries

You might not feel entitled to set boundaries with others because you think setting boundaries means you're trying to control others. However, setting healthy boundaries is a fundamental part of self care.

Another possible problem is that you don't know what you feel so you only have a vague sense of what you're feeling at any given time so you don't know if you need to set a boundary or not.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you don't feel entitled to set boundaries with others, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who can help you to work through the underlying issues that are creating problems for you.

Getting Help in Therapy

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a skilled psychotherapist who helps clients to feel empowered enough to set boundaries (see my article: Taking Back Your Personal Power).

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing, Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy) and Certified Sex Therapist.

As a trauma therapist, I have over 25 years of experiencing helping individual adults and couples (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

How to Set Boundaries in an Enmeshed Family

How to Set Boundaries Without Guilt  

How to Set Boundaries in Your Relationship

Accepting What You Cannot Change is a Form of Change

In trauma recovery and clinical psychology, radical acceptance of what you cannot change is fundamentally an active form of psychological change because it shifts your internal state from an exhausting fight against objective reality to a profound transformation of perspective. 

Active serenity: Radical acceptance is not passive surrender, but an active internal grounding where you stop trying to control the vast external landscape and instead cultivate your own stable reality.

 

Originally penned by American theologian Reinhold Niebuhr in the 1940s, the foundational framework of the Serenity Prayer asks for the "serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference." Beyond its historical integration into 12-step recovery programs, this model serves as a vital psychotherapeutic tool. It actively down-regulates anxiety by shifting an individual’s focus from external uncontrollables to internal autonomy, fostering mindfulness ,emotional boundary-setting, and systemic healing.

When you stop fighting reality, you free up massive reserves of psychological energy to redirect toward your own life, growth, and healing.

To preserve strict clinical confidentiality, the following scenario represents a composite case study illustrating how an adult client safely transitions from chronic codependent caretaking to radical acceptance through depth therapy.

The Case of Jim: The Lifelong Burden of Parentification

Jim grew up as an only child to a mother trapped in a severe, immobilizing clinical depression. As a young child, Jim naturally assumed the role of the parental caretaker—a psychological dynamic known as parentification. He sacrificed his childhood, opting to stay indoors and lay next to his bedridden mother as his primary means of emotional and physical co-regulation (see my article: What is Self Abandonment?). On her rare functional days, he played cards, watched her favorite shows, and told jokes, desperately trying to enliven her. His father, unable to cope with the marital depression, emotionally abdicated by burying himself in his work.

As an adult, Jim harbored a persistent, unconscious repetition compulsion to "heal" his mother, despite her explicit refusal to seek professional mental health treatment. His own psyche became deeply enmeshed with her pathology; because he originally connected with her through her illness, he carried a heavy, secondary depressive state himself. When Jim initiated psychotherapy, his initial goal was entirely outward-facing: he wanted a therapist to help him find the "perfect words" or actions to force his mother into recovery.

The Path to Radical Acceptance and Systemic Shifting

Through long-term trauma therapy, Jim’s practitioner helped him recognize how he had systematically abandoned his own developmental needs to carry his mother's system. Letting go of the wish to cure her felt like a profound act of disloyalty; his mind signaled that surrendering the rescue mission meant severing his only structural connection to her.

However, as the psychotherapeutic work deepened, Jim successfully executed a series of active boundaries:

• Reclaiming Autonomy: Jim began investing his emotional energy into his own life, cultivating a robust social circle, entering the dating world, and engaging in fulfilling personal hobbies.
• Dismantling the Persuasion Loop: He consciously stopped tracking his mother's moods and ceased his persistent pleas for her to enter treatment. This active surrender triggered a wave of deep, ancestral grief that he safely processed within his sessions.

This shift culminated in a pivotal interaction. When his mother noticed his emotional detachment and questioned why he had stopped pushing her to get help, Jim calmly responded: "I am learning to accept that if you do not want to get help, I have absolutely no power to change your mind."

This moment of radical acceptance transformed the family dynamic. Several weeks later, his mother called him to share an unexpected breakthrough: with Jim no longer pushing, she was no longer consuming her energy resisting his pleas. Faced with the raw reality of her own depression without an enmeshed protector to absorb the impact, she autonomously scheduled an appointment with a depression specialist.

Healing the Imprinted Trauma

Jim continued his therapeutic work to resolve the developmental trauma and somatic imprints he absorbed during childhood. His clinician utilized a targeted combination of EMDR therapy and IFS Parts Work therapy to help his nervous system safely unburden the depression he had carried for decades, allowing him to step into a vibrant state of personal aliveness.

Conclusion: Acceptance as an Active Process

While accepting what cannot be changed is often misconstrued on a superficial level as passive surrender or "giving up," it is actually a highly active, courageous internal process. It demands rigorous self-examination, a willingness to grieve unfulfilled relational desires, and a clear-eyed confrontation with reality.

In many family systems, the obsessive drive to change or save a struggling loved one is a unconscious mechanism to stay emotionally attached to them. For Jim, immersion in his mother’s illness was the only relational blueprint he knew. Releasing that illusion of control requires working through deep, long-standing developmental trauma.

Seeking Professional Help in Trauma Therapy

Shifting away from chronic over-functioning and ancestral enmeshment is neither quick nor easy. If you are struggling to separate your own well-being from a loved one's chaos, you can benefit immensely from working alongside a specialist. Rather than navigating this painful loop in isolation, seek guidance from a licensed mental health professional specializing in advanced trauma and experiential modalities. Freeing yourself from a traumatic history is the ultimate step toward reclaiming a fulfilling, authentic life.

Ready to Release the Illusion of Control?
If you have spent your life self-abandoning to carry the weight of a depressed, addicted, or chaotic family member, your body may be trapped in a permanent survival loop. True serenity isn't about successfully fixing others; it's about courageously reclaiming your own life boundaries.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, and advanced practitioner specializing in IFS Parts Work, Somatic Experiencing, AEDP, EMDR, and EFT Couples Therapy. I provide depth-oriented, experiential therapy to help individual adults and couples move past internal blockages into authentic relational alignment.

To learn more about my clinical background, clinical philosophy, and healing approach, please visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

• Office Location: I see clients in-person at my Greenwich Village office (New York, NY 10011) as well as online via secure telehealth.
• Initial Consultation: I provide a complimentary 15-minute introductory phone call prior to scheduling an initial appointment.
• Contact Information: You can reach me directly at (917) 742-2624 during standard business hours or you can email me.

Medical Disclaimer

Medical Disclaimer: The information provided in this article is for educational and informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of a qualified mental health professional or physician regarding a medical or psychological condition.

Self Abandonment - Part 2: A Clinical Vignette

In my last article about self abandonment I defined self abandonment and the circumstances where this dynamic occurs.  In this article, I give a fictional clinical vignette to further illustrate these dynamics.

Self Abandonment: A Clinical Vignette

As I mentioned in my prior article, some of the ways that self abandonment can take place include the following

• A pattern of ignoring your well-being to focus on others

• Placing your well-being in the hands of others and depending upon them for your happiness

• Judging yourself harshly for making these choices

A Fictional Clinical Vignette About Self Abandonment
The following vignette is a composite of many different stories with all identifying information removed to protect confidentiality:

Nina
Nina started psychotherapy in an emotional crisis.

Her three year relationship with Mike ended a month prior to her starting therapy when Mike told her that he no longer wanted to be in a relationship.

He denied that he was interested in anyone else. He said he felt pressured by Nina to take the next step in their relationship and he wasn't ready to do that.  He said he wasn't sure if he would ever be ready with her or anyone else.

Self Abandonment: A Clinical Vignette

Nina felt devastated when Mike broke up with her.  At 35, she had hoped that they would eventually get married and have children.  Now she wondered if she would ever be married and have a family.

After the breakup, Nina couldn't sleep, she couldn't concentrate at work, and she often cried throughout the day.

All she could think about was Mike and how much she wanted him back.  She tried to reach Mike by phone, text and email to try to reconcile their relationship.  But after he broke up with her, he refused to respond.

Nina felt she couldn't talk to anyone about the breakup because, after they met Mike a few times, her friends warned her that Mike would hurt her.

They thought he was narcissistic, and they disliked that he was openly critical of Nina in front of them.

See my articles: 

Could It Be That Your Friends See Things About Your Significant Other That You Don't See?

Belittling Behavior in Relationships

Her friends also thought he was immature and irresponsible when he told them that he wasn't showing up for work because his boss didn't give him the praise he felt he deserved.  His attitude resulted in his losing one job after another.

Nina defended him to her friends by telling them that they didn't understand him.  She said she saw a side of Mike that no one else saw and she thought they were being harsh.

After listening to Nina complain to them and then defend him many times, her friends were tired of it.  They told her that it would be better for her not to talk about it with them anymore.

Before the breakup, Nina continued to see her friends, but she stopped talking about her relationship with Mike and, at her friends' request, she no longer included Mike in their get-togethers because they didn't like him.

Now, Nina felt alone and miserable.  She couldn't believe this was happening to her, and she didn't understand why Mike broke up with her.

It was true, she said, she suggested that they move in together.  But she didn't expect Mike to have such a strong reaction to their conversation, "It's not like I gave him an ultimatum."

Nina's psychotherapist focused on helping Nina to get through this difficult time (see my article: Developing Internal Resources and Coping Strategies).

She taught Nina how to develop a wind down routine before going to bed so she could sleep better.  She also taught her how to do a relaxing meditation, a breathing exercise, and recommended that Nina keep a journal to express her feelings.

Once Nina was more on an even keel emotionally, Nina and her therapist explored the dynamics in her relationship with Mike with an emphasis on Nina's self defeating behavior.

Her psychotherapist explained the concept of self abandonment to Nina and tried to help Nina to develop insight into her own behavior.  But, initially, every time that her psychotherapist talked to Nina about how she didn't take care of herself, Nina would try to talk about Mike and what he said and did.

In a gentle, tactful way, Nina's therapist kept bringing the focus back to Nina and pointing out how Nina kept avoiding looking at her own behavior because she was so focused on Mike (see my article: Overcoming Codependency: Taking Care of Yourself First).

Nina wasn't accustomed to focusing on herself.  At first, she felt like she was being selfish and self centered (see my article: Is Self Care Selfish?).

But, over time, Nina began to understand how focusing on Mike was a way to avoid looking at herself and that she wouldn't develop insight into what happened until she was able to look at her own dynamics in the relationship (see my article: Changing Maladaptive Coping Strategies That Don't Work: Avoidance).

Gradually, as the therapy progressed, Nina realized that in her relationship with Mike and in her prior relationships, not only did she focus on her boyfriend, she abandoned her own needs and gave away her personal power.

See my articles:  

Relationships: Are You Giving Away Your Personal Power?

Taking Back Your Personal Power

Over time, Nina also realized that she wanted so much to be in a relationship that she avoided the warning signs that were there all along and that her friends could see more objectively (see my article: Are You Ignoring the Early Warning Signs in Your Relationship?).

Nina and her therapist were able to trace back these ingrained dynamics to Nina's family history.  As the oldest, Nina became a parentified child to a single mother who turned to Nina for mothering from the time Nina was a young child.  She also expected Nina to take care of her younger siblings.

Nina worked through the trauma of her emotional neglect as a child.

Se my articles: 

What is Childhood Emotional Neglect?

What is the Connection Between Childhood Emotional Neglect and Problems Later On in Adult Relationships?

She also talked to her friends about the breakup and what she was learning about herself in therapy.

When she began dating again, she didn't allow her fears to get in the way of being more discerning when she met men (see my article: Choosing Healthier Relationships).

Although it was difficult for her, Nina also learned to like herself more and to take better care of herself.

Conclusion
Self abandonment can occur in many different ways.  It often involves codependency in relationships, as illustrated in the fictional vignette above.

Psychotherapy can help people who engage in this self destructive dynamic to develop insight, learn how to take better care of themselves, and change this self defeating pattern.

Getting Help in Therapy
Self abandonment usually involves unconscious behavior that has its roots in early childhood.

It's very difficult to change this self defeating behavior on your own, even when you're aware of  it, because the early roots of this behavior usually remain out of awareness.

Working with a skilled psychotherapist, you can develop insight into your behavior and change your pattern of relating to yourself and others (see my articles: The Benefits of Psychotherapy and How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

It takes courage to seek help in therapy to change (see my article:  Developing the Courage to Change).

By taking care of yourself and choosing healthier relationships, you can lead a more fulfilling and meaningful life.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrated Psychotherapy).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Self Abandonment: Part 1: What is Self Abandonment?

In my prior articles, I've written about abandonment in terms of feeling or being abandoned by parents, romantic partners, and friends.

See my articles: 

Fear of Abandonment: Leaving Your Relationship Because You're Afraid of Being Abandoned

The Connection Between Fear of Abandonment and Codependency

How Psychotherapy Can Help You to Overcome Fear of Abandonment 

I'm focusing on self abandonment in this article, a form of abandonment that is not talked about as much.

Self Abandonment: Part 1: What is Self Abandonment?

What is Self Abandonment?
The following list are signs of self abandonment:

• Ignoring Your Own Well-Being Consistently to Focus on Others:  Rather than attending to your own feelings and what's best for you, you consistently ignore your well-being to focus on others--family members, friends, romantic partners and others.  Rather than taking care of yourself, you consistently prioritize others' needs over your own, even in relationships where there is little to no reciprocity.  This is codependent behavior.  You avoid thinking about your own feelings of sadness, loneliness or emptiness because it makes you feel too uncomfortable.  After a while, you might become so disconnected from your inner emotional world that you experience emotional numbing and no longer know what you feel.  You no longer know your emotional truth. You might even see self care as being "selfish."

See my articles: 

What Happens When You Numb Yourself Emotionally?

Is Self Care Selfish?

Overcoming Codependency: Taking Care of Yourself First

• Placing Your Well-Being in Others' Hands:  Instead of taking care and nurturing yourself, you rely on others to do it for you.  You might be hoping, as an adult, to get from others what you didn't get as a child from one or both of your parents.  Even though you're hoping to get what you have needed for a long time from someone else, you might unconsciously choose people as romantic partners who can't or won't provide you with the love and nurturance that you need.  When you don't get what you need emotionally from your significant other, you interpret this as a sign that you're not worthy of being loved and it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. Eventually, after several disappointing and hurtful relationships, you might give up completely on relationships (see my next description, Judging Yourself Harshly

See my articles: 

Emotionally Unhealthy Relationships: Bad Luck or Poor Choices

Choosing Healthier Romantic Relationships

• Judging Yourself Harshly:  Rather than having a balanced view of your strengths and areas where you could improve, you consistently judge yourself harshly and you tell yourself, "I'm no good" or "I'm stupid" or "I'm unlovable" or some variation of these internal messages.  When someone compliments you, you feel so uncomfortable that you're quick to deflect and deny the compliment.

See my articles: 

Overcoming the Emotional Pain of Feeling Unlovable

Overcoming the Fear That People Wouldn't Like You If They Knew the "Real You" 

Overcoming the Internal Critic

Next Article:
In my next article, I'll provide a clinical vignette to expand on this topic and discuss ways to overcome a pattern of self abandonment: Self Abandonment - Part 2: A Clinical Vignette

Getting Help in Therapy
People who engage in self abandonment often don't realize that they're doing it because the behavior is so ingrained and often unconscious.

Having no recognition of how they betray themselves, they might not seek help until they're in an emotional crisis and in despair.

Once the crisis is over or they enter into a new relationship, they "feel better" and they often don't stick with therapy to change the underlying self destructive patterns--until they're in the next emotional crisis (see my article:Leaving Therapy Prematurely and Remaining in Therapy Beyond the Immediate Crisis).

If you recognize yourself in this article, you could benefit from getting help in therapy, and sticking with therapy to learn to develop a healthier sense of self (see my article: The Benefits of Psychotherapy).

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to recognize and change self destructive patterns that are keeping you stuck in your life (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

Once you've become aware of your self destructive patterns and worked through earlier trauma at the root of your problem so you can change, you can lead a more meaningful and fulfilling life.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapy, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.