Accepting What You Cannot Change is a Form of Change

The Serenity Prayer was written by the American theologian Reinhold Niebuhr in the 1940s. The first part of the Serenity Prayer asks for the "serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference."

Accepting What You Cannot Change is a Form of Change

The Serenity Prayer provides a framework for dealing with life's challenges. The prayer fosters acceptance, courage and wisdom. It also encourages a shift in your focus from what you can't control to what you can control. This helps to relieve anxiety and promote a sense of peace and this is why it's used in 12 Step programs.

Accepting What You Cannot Change is a Form of Change

In addition, the Serenity Prayer can be an effective tool in any mental health treatment because it encourages mindfulness, taking action and finding comfort in a higher power or in a personal philosophy.

Why is Accepting What You Cannot Change is a Form of Change?

Accepting what you cannot change is a form of change because it helps you to shift your internal state from fighting what you cannot change (reality) to changing your perspective.  This frees you up to redirect your energy to what you can control.  

Accepting What You Cannot Change is a Form of Change

This shift in your perspective from struggling to acceptance creates the space to develop new goals, to find peace and build resilience--even though the external situation remains the same.

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many cases, illustrates how accepting what cannot be changed is a form of change:

Jim

When Jim was growing up, his mother was deeply depressed. As a child, he took it upon himself to try to make her feel better by trying to comfort her, but she remained depressed no matter what he did.

His mother spent most of her time in bed because she was so overwhelmed by her depression. Jim's father didn't know how to deal with the mother's depression, so he buried himself in his work and spent as much time as he could at the office and on business trips to escape from the mother.

As an only child, Jim was often alone with his mother. Instead of going out to play with other children, Jim stayed home and laid next to his mother because it was the only way he connect to her emotionally and physically.

On the rare occasions when his mother felt a little better, he would play cards with her, watch her favorite TV shows or tell her jokes to try to make her laugh.

As a young child, he didn't realize that he was sacrificing so much of himself to try to enliven his mother--even though nothing he did helped (see my article: What is Self Abandonment?).

As an adult, Jim never gave up his wish to heal his mother. Although he realized on a certain level that there was nothing he could do for her, especially since she didn't want to get professional help, he kept trying to help her. The wish to help her mother remained strong for him.

Accepting What You Cannot Change is a Form of Change

Since he connected with his mother through her depression, he also felt depressed himself. When he sought help in therapy, initially, he focused on trying to find a way to help his mother.  

Over time, his therapist helped Jim to understand that he had abandoned himself at a young age and sacrificed his childhood by focusing on his mother. Although he realized he missed out on a lot as a child, he felt he couldn't let go of his wish to, somehow, find a way to cure his mother.

He had a strong wish to find just the right words or take the right action that would persuade his mother to get help. Even though he knew logically that he couldn't heal his mother and she probably wouldn't get better if she didn't want to get help, letting go of that wish was very challenging for him. He felt like giving up on that wish would make him disloyal to his mother. He also felt like he would lose the only connection he felt with his mother by giving up on helping her.

Over time, Jim learned to focus on himself more, but it wasn't easy. He developed more of a social life with friends. He began to date. He also developed interests and hobbies that were fulfilling to him.

Gradually, he stopped trying to convince his mother to go to therapy. This letting go brought a lot of grief that he dealt with in his therapy. 

His mother, who refused to get help in therapy, noticed that Jim wasn't trying to persuade her to get help anymore and she asked him why he stopped. He responded by telling her that he was learning to accept that if she didn't want to get help, he had no power to change her mind. 

They remained silent together for a few minutes as they both allowed that thought to sink in. Jim was surprised to hear himself say this and his mother was also surprised.

Jim recognized that by accepting what he couldn't change, he was shifting his perspective, even though it was very sad for him, and he was freeing himself emotionally and psychologically to find inner peace, pursue his own goals and personal growth.

Several weeks after he and his mother had their talk, his mother called him to say she realized she had focused a lot of her energy in pushing against his pleas for her to get help. Now that he was no longer trying to convince her and she was no longer focused on refusing to get help, she realized she needed help for her depression, so she made an appointment with a therapist who specialized in depression.

Jim worked in his therapy to overcome the trauma he took on when he took on his mother's depression as a child. His therapist used EMDR Therapy and Parts Work Therapy to help him to heal.

His work in therapy was neither quick nor easy, but he felt himself gradually coming alive in ways he had not experienced before. 

Conclusion

The Serenity Prayer encourages accepting the things that cannot be changed and this is a wise philosophy, but it's not always easy to know what can be changed and what cannot be changed. This is usually a process that each individual explores and comes to their own conclusions.

On a superficial level, accepting what cannot be changed is often seen as passive behavior--a kind of giving up as if the individual isn't doing anything. But the reality is that acceptance of what cannot be changed is an active process where individuals explore their inner world as well as the external world they're trying to change.

As in the vignette above, sometimes trying to change someone who is depressed or struggling with other psychological problems is a way of remaining emotionally attached to them. In the composite vignette above the only way for Jim, as a child, to have an emotional attachment with his mother was to remain immersed in her depression and to try to help her, which would have been impossible for a child.

The wish to try to change someone can be so strong that it eclipses everything else. The intention of the wish usually comes from a loving place, but it's often not realistic, especially if the other person doesn't want to be helped.

Getting to point of acceptance can be a long process, but it's an active process of self examination and coming to grips with reality.  This often involves working on longstanding unresolved trauma.

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

If you're struggling with unresolved trauma, you could benefit from working with a trauma therapist.

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who specializes in trauma therapy.

Freeing yourself from a traumatic history can allow you to live a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

As a trauma therapist, I have helped many individual adults and couples to overcome a traumatic history.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Empowering Yourself During COVID-19: There Are Things You CAN Control

During the current COVID-19 crisis, many people are feeling powerless. This is understandable given the suddenness and the unprecedented nature of the crisis. Also, many of the social interactions, activities and diversions that would normally be available to people to support their well-being aren't available to them because people are physically isolated and might be lonely.  There are many unknowns about the future and it can feel like everything is out of your control.  But before you give into feelings of hopelessness and helplessness, let's take a look at the things that you can control (see my articles: Coping and Staying Calm During a Crisis, Coping with Loneliness and Social Isolation, and Undoing Aloneness: Staying Socially Connected Even Though We're Physically Disconnected).

Empowering Yourself During COVID-19: There Are Things You CAN Control

There Are Things You Can Control During the COVID-19 Pandemic
The Serenity Prayer, which was written by Reinhold Niebuhr, contains much wisdom and many people, both in and out of the recovery community, find it calming:

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference."

Regardless of whether or not you believe in a God, a Higher Power, religion or prayer, these words remind you that, if you're worried about things you have no control over, you can redirect your attention to what you can control.

What You Can Control During the COVID-19 Pandemic
Rather than focusing on what you can't control, let's take a look at some things you can control:

• Stay Informed But Don't Spend Too Much Time Watching the News: 
• Getting reliable information is important to staying informed. 
• It's also important to moderate how much time you spend watching or listening to the news.  
• Much of the news is repetitive throughout the day, and the benefit spending time watching TV or online news is often outweighed by how anxious it can make you feel.
•  So, you need to figure out what's best for you in terms of how much and when you watch the news.  
• If you want to maintain your overall sense of well-being, it's especially important that you don't watch the news before you go to sleep.

• Center and Ground Yourself: 
• Practice doing breathing exercises to help to calm yourself (see my article: Square Breathing to Manage Stress). 
• Practice online yoga at a pace that's right for you if yoga appeals to you. If you're not up to doing a vigorous form of yoga, there are online videos or chair yoga.
• Practice meditation at a regular time. Some people prefer to meditate at night.  Others prefer to meditate when they wake up, and some people do it two or more times a day.  You don't need any special knowledge to quiet your mind to meditate.  You can start by taking a few deep breaths to activate your parasympathetic nervous system, which will calm you down.  There are also many online meditations that you can follow (see my articles: The Mind-Body Connection: Mindfulness Meditation and Calming the Body, Calming the Mind). 
• Calm your thoughts by taking it one day, one hour or even one minute at a time.
• Recognize that all things pass.
• Feel gratitude and appreciation for what you do have right now. 

• Establish a Routine For Yourself: Chances are good that your normal routine has been interrupted since the current crisis began.  A routine can give you comfort and a feeling of stability, so you can establish a new routine for yourself:
• Wake up and go to sleep at the same time everyday.
• Plan your meals.
• Plan some quiet time for yourself, even if it's just a couple of minutes to breathe.
• Make a To-Do list for yourself for the next day so you don't spend all day either in bed or watching news
• A To-Do list can help to organize your day, your week, and your life.
• Try not to be too ambitious with your To-Do list.
• Be gentle with yourself. Recognize that you're probably not going to accomplish everything on the list--and that's okay.
• Appreciate yourself for accomplishing whatever you accomplish on the list.

• Stay Active: Even though you might be physically isolating, there are still ways to be physically active:
• You can find many free workouts and yoga classes online.
• You can also walk or bike outside as long as you take the precautions recommended to stay a healthy distance (at least 6 feet away) from others and follow The Center for Disease Control (CDC) recommendations.

• Accept the Ups and Downs You Feel as a Common Response to a Crisis: You're living through an unprecedented time in modern history.  Chances are that your mood will go up and down at various times. This is a common experience during times of stress and crisis (see my article: Overcoming Your Fear of Your So-Called "Negative Emotions".
• If you feel anxious, sad, fearful or whatever emotion you're experiencing at any given time, you're having a common response to a crisis.
• Rather than judging yourself, accept all your emotions and do whatever you can to alleviate your stress and negative emotions.
• Recognize that you're not alone.  Millions of other people, who are just like you, are experiencing the same thing. We're in this together.

• Eat Nutritiously: Eating the right amount of protein, vegetables, grains and vegetables is important to stay physically and mentally healthy.  

• Get Enough Sleep: Getting proper sleep is essential to your overall health and well-being (see my article: Tips on Improving Your Sleep).

• Stay Connected Socially: Even though you might not be able to see loved ones now, you can still stay connected to them via: 
• Phone calls
• Video chats  
• Games with friends online.  
• Video night with a Netflix Party

• Remember Your Strengths: Whether you realize it or not, your strengths have gotten you through stressful times in the past.  Remembering these strengths can be empowering to you now (see my article: Remember Your Strengths as a Way to Cope With the Current Crisis).

Getting Help in Therapy
Times of crisis can trigger prior trauma and stressors, and it can be difficult to determine what you're reacting to emotionally.  The important thing to know is that you're not alone.

An experienced psychotherapist can help you to get through a stressful time when you feel overwhelmed.

Many psychotherapists, including me, are providing online therapy (also called telehealth, telemental health, and teletherapy) during the current crisis when therapists aren't in their office (see my article: The Advantages of Online Therapy When You Can't Meet With Your Therapist in Person).

Rather than struggling on your own, you could get help from a licensed psychotherapist to overcome the obstacles that are hindering you.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing and Emotionally Focused Therapy therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

I am providing online therapy during the COVID-19 crisis.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Finding Inner Peace During Uncertain Times

In Harvard psychologist Daniel Gilbert 's op-ed piece in the New York Times called What You Don't Know Makes You Nervous he wrote that most people feel worse when they think that something bad might happen than when they know something bad will happen.

Finding Inner Peace During Uncertain Times

Initially, this concept might not  seem to make sense, and you might think, "But wouldn't you feel worse if you knew for sure that something bad was going to happen?" However, according to Dr. Gilbert, what the research shows is that when people know that something bad will happen, after their initial reactions of fear, shock, anger or whatever other feelings bad news brings up, most people can then mobilize themselves to take action to deal with the bad news, as opposed to just worrying about it.

For most of us, knowing what we're up against is better than the uncertainty of not knowing. According to Dr. Gilbert, "...we can't come to terms with circumstances whose terms we don't know. An uncertain future leaves us stranded in an unhappy present with nothing to do but wait" (see Daniel Gilbert, Ph.D.)

Taking action, whether it's changing our behavior, changing our attitudes, or making plans, helps us to feel better and find our emotional balance again.

How to Find Inner Peace During Uncertain Times:
Considering that many people today are living in uncertain times, how do we find and maintain inner peace and happiness to sustain us through the uncertainty?

To start, based on Dr. Gilbert's research findings, if it's possible to find out whether you'll be facing bad news, in most cases, it's better to get the information than to avoid dealing with it.

So, for instance, if you're worried about a health concern, rather than procrastinating and avoiding going to the doctor, it's better to be proactive, go to the doctor and either relieve yourself of the anxiety by finding out that you're fine or finding out what you need to do to get better.

Finding Inner Peace During Uncertain Times

I'm bringing up this particular example because many people avoid going to the doctor when they fear they're going to get bad news. But, in most cases, the earlier an illness is addressed, the more likely it is that you'll have a better outcome.

If there is no way to find out if you're going to be facing bad news (let's say, you fear that you might get laid off from your job, but no one knows for sure), then you need to find ways to maintain emotional and physical balance to sustain yourself through this uncertain time. If it's important to you, this also includes spiritual balance.

This could mean finding time during the day to meditate; exercise at the appropriate level for you, possibly taking a yoga class; and maintaining regular contact with supportive friends and family. Managing your stress is crucial. In particular, yoga can be a good stress reliever and restorer of balance and calm. It also means eating nutritious meals and getting enough rest.

When you feel anxious about what could happen, it also helps to remember times when you've actually dealt successfully with adversity in the past. Most of us are usually more resilient than we realize during hard times. If you think about it, you'll also probably realize that there were many times when you worried endlessly about something that never happened.

The Serenity Prayer
Knowing what we can control and what we can't can also help to relieve anxiety. You don't have to believe in God, a Higher Power or be a spiritual person at all to benefit from remembering the Serenity Prayer that says, in part:

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can and wisdom to know the difference." When we can distinguish what we can and can't control, it helps us to either take action to make changes or to do what we can to relax and stay calm while events unfold.

Serenity Prayer

If you find that you're already doing all of the things that I've recommended in this post and you're still struggling with anxiety, you might benefit from seeing a licensed psychotherapist to help you get through times of uncertainty. Sometimes, even brief treatment to help you develop better coping skills can be very beneficial and can make the difference between feeling overwhelmed with anxiety and maintaining a sense of peace.

About Me
I'm a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, and EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.  

I work with individual adults and couples.  

I have helped many clients to overcome anxiety and uncertainty so that they can lead happier lives.

To find out more about me, visit my web site: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.