What's the Difference Between Emotional Co-regulation and Emotional Self Regulation?

People sometimes confuse the terms "emotional self regulation" and "emotional co-regulation" so I'm addressing the differences in this article.

Co-regulation vs Self Regulation

What's the Difference Between Co-regulation and Self Regulation?

When caregivers provide external support to their children, this is an example of emotional co-regulation, which is a foundational step for developing emotional self regulation.

Whereas co-regulation is the process in which one person helps another person to regulate their emotions, self regulation is the ability to manage your own thoughts, emotions and behaviors.

Both skills, co-regulation and self regulation, work together throughout life.

Let's break it down further:

Self Regulation

• Definition: The internal ability to control your own thoughts, emotions and behaviors without relying on others.

• Examples of Self Regulation:
• Doing breathing exercises on your own to calm down
• Managing frustration during an argument by going for a walk to calm down

• Goal: To respond to a situation thoughtfully instead of reacting impulsively

Co-regulation

• Definition: The process of two or more people working together to manage emotions and behaviors. This involves providing support, structure and warmth to help someone to calm down and learn coping skills.

• Examples: 
• A parent helping a child to calm down by speaking in a gentle tone and providing comforting hugs
• One romantic partner helping another to calm down by listening in an attuned way, holding their hand and gently helping them to take relaxing breaths

• Goal: To help someone to feel safe and understood which, in turn, builds their capacity for self regulation

• Relationship Between Self Regulation and Co-regulation: Co-regulation is an essential step in helping someone to self regulate. A caregiver or partner's ability to self regulate is necessary in order for them to help co-regulate others. 

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette illustrates the relationship between self regulation and co-regulation and how psychotherapy can help. As always, this vignette is a composite of many different cases to protect confidentiality:

Paul:

Paul was a latchkey kid. Both of his parents worked two jobs each so they weren't around when he came home from elementary school. 

There were times when he was at home alone that he thought he heard noises in the house and he was so scared he hid under his blanket until his parents came home. 

He knew his next door neighbors were at home, but his parents told him to never let them know he was home alone because they might call the child welfare bureau and then he would  be taken him away from his parents due to childhood neglect.

His parents explained to him they didn't want to leave him alone in the house, but they both needed to work and there were no other relatives to take care of him. They also couldn't afford childcare, so he would hide in fear until his parents came home.

Since Paul grew up being alone much of the time, he was often without his parents' emotional support, so he didn't learn how to manage his emotions.

His teacher told his parents that Paul had a difficult time calming himself down in school when he was upet. She suspected his parents weren't helping Paul to manage his emotions so she encouraged them to help him--although she didn't know they were often away from home.

By the time he went away to college, he was so anxious he was having panic attacks.  A college counselor referred him to a psychotherapist for help. 

His therapist used her co-regulate skills to help Paul. She also taught him self regulation skills by teaching him breathing exercises and other coping strategies. 

Eventually, he learned to regulate his emotions on his own.

After he graduated college, the skills he learned in therapy helped Paul to self regulate and co-regulate emotions with his new girlfriend, Sara.

Conclusion

Young children usually learn to co-regulate with their parents so they can develop self regulation skills as they get older.  However, there are times when children don't learn these skills because their parents are not around or the parents never learned to regulate their own emotions when they were growing. up so they can't help their children to develop skills they don't have.

Fortunately, people who didn't learn to regulate their emotions have an opportunity to learn as adults in psychotherapy.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and a Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

As a Trauma Therapist, I have helped many clients to overcome trauma and manage their emotions so they can lead a more fulfilling life.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

What is Emotional Regulation in a Relationship?

Managing Your Emotions During Stressful Times

Emotional Regulation: What is the Difference Between Being Calm and Being Numb?

What is the Purpose of the Preparation and Stabilization Phase in EMDR Therapy?

In the past I've written other articles about EMDR therapy including:

• What is EMDR Therapy? 

• EMDR and the Brain: How Does EMDR Therapy Work?

• Overcoming Trauma With EMDR Therapy

• EMDR Therapy - When Traditional Psychotherapy Isn't Enough

• EMDR Therapy Helps to Achieve Emotional Breakthroughs

In the current article I want to focus on Phase 2 of EMDR Therapy: The Preparation and Stabilization Phase.

Before focusing on Phase 2, let's review the eight stages of EMDR therapy.

The Preparation and Stabilization Phase of EMDR Therapy

What Are the 8 Phases of EMDR Therapy?

The eight phases of EMDR Therapy:

Phase 1: History Taking and Treatment Planning: 

• Taking a thorough family history
• Taking a history of the problem
• Establishing a rapport with the client
• Selecting target memories to process with EMDR

Phase 2: Preparation and Stabilization:

• Teaching the client about EMDR processing
• Helping the client to develop the necessary coping and relaxation skills to process the trauma with EMDR
• Ensuring the client is ready to process the trauma with EMDR

Phase 3: Assessment:

• Identifying the client's negative belief
• Identifying the images related to the traumatic memory to be processed
• Helping the client to identify their level of disturbance about the memory (Subjective Unit of Disturbance or SUD)
• Rating the level of disturbance (SUD)

Phase 4: Desensitization:

• Using bilateral stimulation (tapping, eye movements or tones) while the client focuses on the traumatic memory
• Reducing the client's disturbance (SUD) to a manageable level

Phase 5: Installation:

• Helping the client to identify and integrate a positive belief that contradicts the client's negative belief
• Strengthening the client's positive belief with bilateral stimulation

Phase 6: Body Scan:

• Helping the client to recognize any residual body sensations associated with the trauma
• Addressing any residual discomfort client has with regard to the trauma

Phase 7: Closure:

• Helping the client to develop a calm and grounded state
• Providing strategies so that the client can manage any future triggers

Phase 8: Reevaluation:

• Assessing the client's progress and revisiting the traumatic memory
• Deciding whether any further processing of the traumatic memory is needed

What is the Purpose of the Preparation and Stabilization Phase of EMDR Therapy?

Phase 2, known as the Preparation and Stabilization phase of EMDR, is essential because it:

• Builds Resources: The EMDR therapist helps the client to identify and strengthen internal resources  and external resources as well adaptive memory networks to support the client in processing the trauma.

• Helps to Build Coping Skills: The client learns various coping skills such as a breathing exercise, a container exercise, imagery, and grounding techniques to manage any intense emotions so the client can remain stable.

• Establishes a Relaxing Place Imagery: The client creates a mental image of a relaxing or safe place that they can return to if the processing feels overwhelming or between EMDR sessions.

• Increases Trust and Safety: This phase helps the client to develop trust and a sense of safety as well as enhance the therapeutic alliance between the client and therapist.

• Provides Psychoeducation: The therapist educates the client about trauma, the processing of trauma and what to expect in EMDR therapy. 

• Assesses the Client's Readiness to Start EMDR Processing: The therapist assesses the client's readiness to do EMDR therapy, determining if the client is sufficiently stabilized to proceed with the processing of trauma or if the client needs additional resources or more attention to stabilization. 

Why is the Preparation and Stabilization Phase Important in EMDR Therapy?

Without the necessary preparation and stabilization phase of EMDR, a client can become overwhelmed or retraumatized. 

They might be unable to stay in the present moment during the processing of the trauma or between sessions.

The Preparation and Stabilization Phase of EMDR Therapy

Preparation and stabilization ensures the client has the necessary internal stability and resources to safely process trauma using EMDR therapy.

This phase also helps to reduce the risk of negative experiences and to a better overall outcome for the client.

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many different cases to protect confidentiality, illustrates the importance of the EMDR Preparation and Stabilization Phase:

Tom

As a US veteran who experienced significant trauma during the Iraq war, Tom suffered with Posttraumatic Stress Disorder, which is also known as PTSD (see my article: What is the Difference Between Trauma and PTSD (Posttraumatic Stress Disorder)?

After he heard about EMDR therapy, he had consultations with a few EMDR therapists in his area.

When the therapists spoke to Tom about the need for preparation and stabilization before processing his traumatic memories, he felt discouraged about the time this would take. Understandably, he wanted to get rid of his PTSD symptoms and he wanted it now. 

One of his friends, John, an unlicensed mental health intern, told Tom that he had read books about EMDR therapy.  Even though he had no formal training in EMDR, John felt he could help Tom to overcome his trauma, so he offered to do EMDR for Tom.

Aside from John not being a licensed mental health professional and having no training in doing EMDR, Tom jumped right into Phase 4 of EMDR (Desensitization) by skipping Phases 1-3.

Within minutes of processing the trauma, Tom went into a dissociated state and believed he was back in the battlefield. He had no awareness of the present moment with John. He began shaking, crying and cowering on the floor. It was obvious to John that Tom was being retraumatized.

Panicked and not knowing what else to do, John called 911 and the Emergency Medical Technicians were there with 10 minutes. They helped to stabilize and calm Tom so that he became aware of his current surroundings.  They also suggested he contact his primary care physician.

In addition, the EMTs told John that, as an unlicensed intern, it was unethical and dangerous for him to undertake doing any type of therapy.

A few weeks later, Tom's primary care doctor referred him to a licensed mental health professional who had advanced training in EMDR therapy.

Although the therapy took longer than Tom would have liked, by the time his therapist prepared him for EMDR processing, he felt safe enough with her and prepared to do EMDR.

The work was not quick or easy, but by the time Tom completed EMDR therapy, he was relieved of his trauma symptoms and he felt ready to move on with his life.

Conclusion

EMDR is a safe and effective therapy to process and overcome trauma when done responsibly by a licensed mental health professional who has advanced EMDR training.

This article seeks to explain the importance of the Preparation and Stabilization Phase of EMDR (also known as Phase 2).

The Preparation and Stabilization Phase of EMDR Therapy

All the phases in EMDR therapy are important, however, as illustrated in the clinical vignette above, it's important not to skip any of the phases, including Phase 2, because of the risk of  experiencing negative mental health consequences, including retraumatization.

Some clients who seek help in EMDR therapy are initially disappointed that they cannot immediately start processing their trauma on Day1 in therapy.

They might seek help from unlicensed and untrained people because they think it will be quicker, but many of these individuals become retraumatized and in a worse state than they were originally.

Only seek help in EMDR therapy with a licensed mental health professional who has advanced training in EMDR.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

One of my specialties, as a trauma therapist, is helping clients to process and overcome trauma (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Learn to Stop Overspending as a Way to Avoid Uncomfortable Feelings

Overspending as a way to ward off uncomfortable feelings, like anxiety or depression, can quickly lead to being over your head in debt, which can result in increased anxiety and depression.  

Learn to Stop Overspending as a Way to Avoid Uncomfortable Feelings

Overspending Can Become a Vicious Cycle With No End in Sight
Many people get caught in a vicious cycle of increased depressive or anxiety-related symptoms and increased overspending and debt, and they don't know how to get out.

Overspending and the Dopamine Rush

It's not just a matter of avoiding uncomfortable emotions. There's also a dopamine rush.  And the dopamine rush from indulging in overspending can be similar to the rush that people get with other impulse control disorder experiences, including drug abuse, sex addiction and gambling.  The dopamine rush itself is a powerful reinforcer for this cycle.

The problem with the dopamine rush is that it's short lived, so you have to spend again to get the next "hit."  This can fuel an endless cycle of overspending to ward off uncomfortable feelings, increased uncomfortable feelings and then increased overspending, and so on.

You Don't Have to Be in Serious Debt to Have a Problem With Overspending
You don't have to be thousands of dollars in debt to have a problem.  Just like the person who has a problem with alcohol, problems with overspending usually starts small and then become increasingly worse.

Ask yourself:
"Do I tend to go shopping or engage in other excessive spending when I'm anxious, depressed, angry or experiencing other uncomfortable feelings?

If you're honest with yourself and you detect a pattern, you'll admit to yourself that you have a problem and take steps to overcome this problem.

What Can You Do to Stop Overspending?

Acknowledge You Have a Problem
The first step to overcoming the problem of overspending, like any impulse control problem, is to admit that you have a problem.

Until you admit you have a problem, you're not going to be motivated to change.

Be Aware That Denial Can Be a Powerful Defense Against Admitting You Have a Problem
Denial can be very powerful, even when people are in serious debt.  Even after people realize they have a problem, they will often bargain with themselves by telling themselves things like, "This will be the last time I'll go on a spending spree."

Increase Your Awareness of Your Overspending Habits: What's Your Pattern of Overspending?
Admitting that you have a problem is the first step.  The next step is to increase your awareness of your particular pattern.

Everyone has a particular pattern of overspending, so you'll need to pay extra close attention to discover  your pattern.

Keep a Journal
I recommend keeping a journal.

Initially, until you can stop overspending, you might be writing about your spending habits after you've engaged in overspending.  The goal is to, eventually, get the point where you've become so aware of your overspending habits that you catch yourself before you give into the impulse to overspend.

You can set up your journal in whatever way works best for you.  One way that I recommend is to track what uncomfortable emotions came up and under what circumstances so that you can see what triggers the overspending (see details given below in the scenario about Ann):

Keep a Budget
People who overspend often have little to no awareness on how they spend their money.  Part of this lack of awareness is that the overspending is compartmentalized in their mind to keep themselves from feeling the discomfort of how serious their problem really is, which is a form of denial.

When you keep a budget by writing down how much to spend on each category and then track and write down what you actually spent, it can be a real eye opener.   And this can be the beginning of getting out of denial.

Attend Debtors Anonymous
Debtors Anonymous is a 12 Step program that helps people who have problems with overspending.  People who attend Debtors Anonymous meetings provide each other with mutual support.  If you go to the link above, you can find more information about this program and a meeting that is located near you.

The following scenario, which is a composite of many different cases with all identifying information changed to protect confidentiality, is an example of how someone who was able to get help for her overspending problem:

Ann
When Ann first came to see me, she was in serious debt.  She came in because she and her husband were having marital problems because of her overspending.

Initially, Ann didn't think she had a problem with overspending.  She came because she was afraid that all the arguing between her and her husband would lead to a divorce, and she didn't want to lose her husband.  But she made no connection between their arguments and her spending habits.  She felt her husband was overreacting.

Denial was very powerful for Ann.  And, initially, when I asked Ann about her debt, her thinking became fuzzy so she couldn't remember how much in debt she was or the specific information about who she owed money to, etc.

So, I asked Ann to bring in her bills and credit card statements.  This was emotionally painful for Ann because, without realizing it, she was doing everything possible to avoid allowing herself to see how big a problem she had.  She also felt very ashamed.

With the information in hand, we were able to see that she was close to $100,000 in debt, which was shocking to Ann.  It's not that she didn't know this on some level but, until now, she kept herself from allowing this information from really sinking in emotionally.  And, as you would expect, the anxiety of allowing the information to sink made her feel like she wanted to go out and make an impulsive purchase to ward off her anxiety.

So, we worked on helping Ann to develop better coping skills because she was using the rush of overspending to ward off anxiety.  A big part of her developing coping skills, aside from getting more physical exercise and learning to meditate, was keeping a journal to track the triggers to her overspending.

Based on my recommendation on how to set up her journal to understand her pattern of overspending, Ann set up her journal with the following four columns:

• Date and Time
• The Trigger (or Precipitating Event):  What Was Going on at the Time?
• What Emotion Goes With the Trigger?
• How Did I Overspend?

Then, she wrote a narrative about how she felt about this incident of overspending.

When she first began writing in her journal, Ann was writing about the event after the fact most of the time because she was still struggling with her impulse to overspend.

Developing an awareness before she gave into her impulse was very challenging at first.

But even after she was more aware and she realized that she was about to give into the impulse, she would bargain with herself by telling herself that "this would be the last time."  Unfortunately, there were many so-called "last times" before she could get to the point where she could catch herself before she gave into the impulse.

Eventually, Ann was able to write in her journal when she got the urge to overspend and she learned not to give in most of the time.

The challenge after that was for Ann to deal with the uncomfortable feelings that were at the start of her impulsive cycles of overspending, and we did this in her therapy.

Learning to Cope: Developing the Capacity to Tolerate Uncomfortable Feelings
Since the impulse to ward off uncomfortable feelings is usually at the beginning of the cycle of overspending, developing an ability to identify them and the capacity to tolerate uncomfortable feelings is an important part of the work in therapy.

During the course of a lifetime, everyone experiences loss, small trauma and, for many people, big trauma.  If, for whatever reason, you never developed the capacity to tolerate uncomfortable feelings, you can be at risk for engaging in impulsive behavior.  And if you're already engaging in impulsive behavior, it's harder to stop until you develop this capacity.

Getting Help
Along with attending Debtors Anonymous, many people have been helped by working with a licensed psychotherapist who has an expertise in helping people who have problems with overspending, especially when they're attempting to deal with their emotional triggers.

If you have problems with overspending, you owe it to yourself and your loved ones to get help.  Avoiding the problem will only result in the problem getting worse since, like most impulse control problems, problems with overspending is progressive and gets worse over time.

Getting help from a licensed therapist can help you to lead a more satisfying and meaningful life.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many people to overcome their impulsive habits, including overspending, so they can lead more fulfilling lives.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

What Are the Rewarding Benefits of Attending Experiential Psychotherapy?

Many people seek help in therapy when they're in a crisis. 

A crisis might involve a loss in their life or a major change where they're struggling to cope (see my article: How a Crisis Can Bring Positive Change in Your Life).

The Benefits of Attending Experiential Therapy

But aside from seeking help in therapy in a crisis, there are many benefits to attending therapy even when you're not in a crisis, which I discuss in this article.

The Benefits of Attending Experiential Therapy

If you're considering beginning therapy, here are some of the rewarding benefits:

Treat Mental Health Conditions 

Putting your well-being first and getting the help you need is a sign of strength (see my article: Common Misconceptions About Psychotherapy: Going to Therapy Means You're "Weak").

Some people who need help don't come to therapy because they're afraid of the stigma, but there's a lot more psychoeducation now that there should not be a stigma involved with going to therapy and the alternative, which often means remaining unhappy is much worse (see my article: Mental Health Awareness: Reducing the Stigma of Getting Help in Therapy).

The Benefits of Attending Experiential Therapy

Anxiety and depression have increased, especially since the pandemic, so if you're feeling anxious or depressed, you're experiencing problems that millions of people are also expeirencing.  

There are safe and effective modalities of therapy to treat anxiety and depression, so you don't need to suffer alone (see my article: Self Help Tips on How to Cope With Anxiety).

One of the most common problems is unresolved trauma--whether it's a new experience of trauma or, more often, an unresolved trauma from earlier in life that continues to affect them now (see my article: How Past Unresolved Trauma Can Affect How You Feel Now).

The good news is that there are specific types of trauma therapy that have been developed specifically for unresolved trauma.

These modalities are known for being Mind-Body Oriented therapies which are also called Experiential Therapy:

EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) Therapy

AEDP (Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy)

Somatic Experiencing Therapy

Parts Work (also known as Ego States Therapy and Internal Family Systems)

See my article: Why Experiential Therapy is More Effective Than Regular Talk Therapy

Develop Coping Skills and Strategies

Whether you want to improve your overall coping skills and internal resources or you want to learn to cope with a particular problem, working with a skilled psychotherapist can help you to preserve your sense of well being.

Developing Coping Skills in Experiential Therapy

Depending upon how your therapist works, here are just a few of the coping skills, strategies and internal resources you can develop in Experiential Therapy:

Meditation

Grounding Techniques

Anchoring Techniques

Somatic Awareness

Embracing Your Shadow Self

Strengthening Your Resilience

Learning to Empower Yourself With Parts Work

Develop Increased Self Awareness

Self awareness is part of emotional intelligence (see my article: How to Develop Emotional Intelligence).

Developing Self Awareness in Experiential Therapy

Learning to be self aware can help you to understand yourself as well as the impact you have on others, including your loved ones (see my article: What is Self Awareness?).

Developing increased self awareness is a skill you can learn. 

Self awareness includes:

• Being able to tap into your own thoughts and feelings

• Recognizing your personal strengths and areas where you have challenges (see my article: Discovering Your Personal Strengths in Psychotherapy)

• Recognize self limiting beliefs you have about yourself so you can work on changing them

• Recognizing how your thoughts, feelings and behavior affect others

Learn to Handle Your Emotions

Emotional regulation is an important skill you can learn in psychotherapy, especially in Experiential Therapy (see my article: Learning to Manage Your Emotions).

Emotional regulation includes understanding and managing your emotions so your emotions don't overwhelm you or cause you to engage in impulsive behavior.

Experiential therapy can help you to manage triggers that cause you to feel emotionally dysregulated.

    See my article:Responding Instead of Reacting to Stress).

Learn to Overcome Negative Thoughts About Yourself and Improve Self Esteem

Everyone has negative thoughts once in a while, but if you tend to have negative thoughts about yourself often, psychotherapy can help you to overcome these habitual thoughts and increase your self esteem (see my article: How Psychotherapy Can Help You to Change the Negative (Distorted) Stories You Tell Yourself).

Focusing on Inner World to Improve Self Esteem

Improve Communication Skills

People who attend psychotherapy often develop increased self awareness which, in turn, improves their interactions with others so they can communicate their thoughts and feelings more effectively (see my article: Improving Communication in Your Relationship: How to Stop Defensive Behavior).

Improving Communication Skills

Develop Stronger Relationships

With increased self awareness and improved communication skills, you're more likely to develop stronger relationships.

You can gain insight into how your behavior affects your relationship and, if you need to make improvements in this area, learn how to change behavior that might be contributing to a negative cycle in your relationship.

Developing a Stronger Relationship

You can also learn how to set healthy boundaries in your relationships as well as accept the healthy boundaries that people in your life are setting for themselves (see my article: How to Set Healthy Boundaries Without Guilt or Shame).

Learn to Accept Healthy Support

Psychotherapy can help you to learn how to accept positive healthy emotional support.

People who grew up in families where they had little to no emotional support or where they couldn't trust emotional support often have problems trusting anyone to give them emotional support because getting healthy support is unfamiliar to them (see my article: Can You Learn to Trust Your Therapist If You Couldn't Trust Your Family?).

Learning to Accept Healthy Support in Experiential Therapy

You and your therapist can develop a healthy therapeutic alliance over time so that you can develop trust in your therapist and the therapeutic process (see my article: 10 Tips on How to Open Up to Your Therapist).

After you have learned to accept healthy support in therapy, you can learn to choose healthy relationships where you can get and give emotional support.

Improve Your Mental and Physical Health

Due to the mind-body connection, there is a strong connection between mental health and physical health and therapy can help you to improve both. 

Improving Your Mental and Physical Health

For instance, by improving how you handle stress, it's possible for you to improve your sleep and possibly lower your blood pressure (see my article: Tips on How to Improve Your Sleep).

Getting Help in Therapy

If you have been struggling on your own to overcome problems, you could benefit from getting help from a skilled mental health professional.

Getting Help in Experiential Therapy

An experienced psychotherapist can help you to overcome your problems so you can live a more fulfilling life.

So, rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed psychotherapist.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

With over 20 years of experience, I have helped many individual adults and couples to live more fulfilled lives.

One of my specialties is helping clients to overcome trauma.

I use an integrative approach to psychotherapy so that clients can have the best possible experience (see my article: The Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

A Search For Comfort and Safety With Alcohol or Drugs

Many people who drink alcohol excessively or abuse drugs are actually seeking comfort and safety, but they might not even realize it.

A Search For Comfort and Safety With Alcohol and Drugs

A Non-Pathologizing Perspective
As a psychotherapist in New York City, I've worked with many clients who are struggling to overcome substance abuse problems.  Many of them say that the alcohol or the drug is like a friend they don't want to give up, which is understandable.

If alcohol and drugs didn't provide a certain extent of comfort or feeling of safety, people wouldn't abuse these substances.  For many people, it's might be the only comfort and sense of safety they have ever experienced.

So, asking people, who experience this comfort to give it up can feel like a very daunting process to them, especially if they haven't ever experienced comfort with another person.

A Search For Comfort and Safety With Alcohol or Drugs

From this perspective, these substances can feel like a reliable source of comfort.  Not only does it provide temporary relief, but it is usually available, especially if the substance is alcohol.  It's legal.  It can be consumed alone or with other people.  And it usually accomplishes the goal of bringing temporary relief.

Of course, the problem is that, over time, substances create other problems, including serious health problems, impaired cognitive functioning, family problems, and work-related problems, just to name a few.

Over time, it can also result in death, so that even though there is a temporary relief, there can be serious long term damage.

People often seek help when one or more of these problems develop.  By then, it can seem like a very frightening prospect to give up what works temporarily--even when people know that will ultimately do serous damage.

At that point, some people will bargain with themselves and their loved ones:  They tell themselves and their loved ones that they can control their use or that they can stop at any time.  But, often, they're the only ones who actually believe this. And if they try to stop on their own, they might discover that they can't.

It can be a long, arduous process to give up abusing substances, and many people pay the ultimate price of ruining their health beyond repair before they accept that they can't control it.

But if people, who abuse substances and their loved ones have this non-pathologizing perspective that    the substance brings a sense of comfort, it can create more self understanding and empathy for oneself as well as for others.

Learning Healthy Ways to Seek Safety and Comfort 
One of the goals of therapy or substance abuse treatment is that people who are abusing substances learn how to seek comfort and safety in other ways.

This might mean that, instead of abusing substances, they learn to self soothe by:

• learning to meditate
• learning new breathing techniques to calm themselves
• learning new grounding techniques
• developing resilience
• developing new coping skills
• learning to make better choices
• learning to choose healthier relationships
• developing a stable and manageable life step by step

Even being able to consider learning new ways involves a certain amount of trust in a psychotherapist or a substance abuse counselor, which can be challenging for someone who has never had a trustworthy relationship.

Some people will persist in abusing substances because they don't want to give up what brings temporary relief.

Building that rapport and trusting relationship can take time.  In the meantime, before people can trust enough to allow a relationship to develop, they might need to ask themselves if they are willing to try it because being willing is often half the battle.

But once people trust enough to try other ways of seeking safety and comfort, they usually discover that this is a skill the they can continue to develop and that it works.

Getting Help in Therapy
Asking for help often induces shame in people.

Most people like to think that they can control their lives and that they don't need help.  But when it becomes obvious that your life is falling apart, it takes a lot courage to ask for help.

Often, people come into therapy externally motivated because either a spouse or a boss has given them an ultimatum:  Either get help or leave.

But people who are open to the process of recovering from substance abuse often discover their own internal motivation, especially if they develop a rapport with their therapist.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you're struggling with substance abuse or you're watching someone you love abuse substances, you're not alone.

Even if you can't afford therapy or you don't have access to treatment, there are 12 Step meetings in most cities and online.

Life is short.  Getting help sooner rather than later can make all the difference in how you live the rest of your life and the quality of your relationships.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Learning About Yourself in a Relationship

Although there are many ways to learn about yourself, including keeping a journal, talking to friends and family members, and going to therapy, being in a relationship can be very revealing (see my article:  Growing As An Individual While You're in a Relationship).

Learning About Yourself in a Relationship

Many people think they have to work out all their issues before they can be in a relationship, but there will always be issues and by waiting you could be missing out on a potentially good relationship. 

Being emotionally vulnerable is one of the keys to a successful relationship.  Although this can be difficult for some people because of their history of being hurt in their family of origin or in previous relationships, learning to be emotionally vulnerable helps you to discover who you are and enhances your relationship (see my article: Emotional Vulnerability as a Pathway to Greater Intimacy).

What You Can Learn About Yourself When You're in a Relationship

Here are some of the key things you can learn about yourself when you're in a relationship:

• Your Attachment Style: Your attachment style develops at an early age with your primary caregivers.  If you were lucky enough to grow up in a nurturing, stable environment with caregivers who were attuned to your needs, chances are you developed a secure attachment style.  If not, you probably developed an insecure attachment style.  Regardless of your attachment style, you relate to your partner based on your style.  However, even if you developed an insecure attachment style, whether it's avoidant, anxious or disorganized, you have an opportunity to develop a secure attachment style with a partner who has a secure style (see my articles: Relationships: What is Your Attachment Style?, How Your Attachment Style Affects Your Relationship, and Developing a Secure Attachment Style: What is Earned Secure Attachment?).

• Your Communication Skills:  How well do you communicate with loved ones? Are you open to expressing your feelings or do you tend to withdraw and bottle things up?  When you're in a relationship, there are many opportunities to talk about your feelings--both positive and so-called "negative" feelings.  Even if you enter a relationship lacking good communication skills, constructive feedback from your partner can go a long way to helping you to improve this skill.

• Your Coping Skills: Every life has its inevitable ups and downs.  Most people can handle things when life is going well, but how well you handle challenges, including problems in your relationship, reveal a lot about your coping skills.  Whether you avoid problems or deal with them as they come up reveals your particular style of handling problems. Becoming aware of your coping skills and having self compassion is the first step towards changing them (see my article: Developing a Compassionate Attitude Towards Your Maladaptive Coping Skills).

• Your Love Language: According to Dr. Gary Chapman, who wrote The 5 Love Languages, there are five different ways of expressing and receiving love in a relationship (and some relationship experts believe there are more than five ways):  words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service and physical touch.  You can learn a lot about yourself and your partner in terms of each of your love languages. When you get to know your partner, you also learn to relate to them in terms of their love language (as opposed to relating to them based on your love language).  In reality, everyone has more than one love language, but there is often one that predominates.  Here are the love languages as outlined by Dr. Chapman in his book:

• Words of Affirmation: People with this love language value verbal acknowledgements of affection (saying "I love you" frequently, compliments and words of appreciation, encouragement).

• Quality Time: People with this love language feel loved when their partner wants to spend time with them.  This includes active listening, eye contact and being fully present.

• Acts of Service: People with this love language as primary like it when their partner goes out of their way to make their life easier.  In other words, actions speak louder than words.  

• Gifts: Visual symbols of love are what is most important with people who value gifts as their primary love language.  They like to know that their partner spent the time to think about getting them meaningful gifts.  The key is the meaningfulness of the gift.

• Physical Touch: This includes physical signs of affection, including kissing, holding hands, cuddling and having sex.  Physical intimacy is very powerful for people with physical touch as their primary love language.  They value the warmth and comfort that comes with physical touch.

• Your Values and Priorities: What do you value most in your life? What are your goals? How important are your familial relationships, friendships and your partner?  Even if you don't usually think a lot about your values and priorities, you can learn a lot about them in a relationship in terms of how you prioritize your partner and whether your partner's values and priorities are similar to yours.  

• Your Strengths: Ideally, your partner and you bring out the best in each other and, if not, this is an important area to work on.  You might have strengths you're unaware of--until you see yourself in a relationship and become aware of them.  You might also realize that you and your partner complement each other (or not).

• Your Shortcomings: You might be aware that, just like everyone else, you have certain shortcomings, but when you're in a relationship, these shortcomings become glaringly clear.  Although many people feel uncomfortable acknowledging their shortcomings, when you're in a relationship, you have an opportunity to improve them.  It helps if, to start, you have self compassion because it makes it easier to change (Self Compassion: Loving Yourself Even in the Places Where You Feel Broken).

Being in a relationship, especially after the "honeymoon phase," can be challenging, but if you're in a healthy relationship, the emotional rewards, including the opportunity for self discovery, outweigh the difficulties (see my articles: How Do You Know If You're in an Unhealthy Relationship? and Developing and Maintaining a Happy Relationship).

Getting Help in Therapy

If you've been struggling on your own, you're not alone.  Help is available to you.  

Taking the first step, which is contacting a licensed psychotherapist, is often the hardest one, but a skilled therapist can help you to overcome the obstacles to leading a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist,  hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during regular business hours or email me.