How to Deal With Political Differences in Your Relationship

Coping with political differences in your relationship can be challenging, especially within the context of our polarized country, but there are steps you can take to keep differences from ruining your relationship.

How to Deal With Political Differences in Your Relationship

What Characteristics Do You Both Need to Navigate These Differences?

To navigate these differences, you both need:

• Strong communication skills
  
• Empathy for each other
• Clear boundaries
  
• Mutual respect
• An ability to handle differences constructively, which can strengthen your connection to each other

How Can You and Your Partner Understand Each Other's Political Differences?

Since political views are often tied to personal experiences, upbringing, core values and not just political policies, it's important to understand the roots of each other's beliefs, so it's important to:

• Share Your Background: Discuss how your life experiences have shaped your views. This can help each of you understand why your partner has taken a particular political stance and help your partner to understand your stance.

• Focus on the Values You and Your Partner Share: Even if you have political differences, you probably share fundamental values regarding family, fairness and a desire for the future. If you focus on these commonalities, it can bring you closer.

How Can You Set Clear Boundaries?

Setting clear rules about your discussion can prevent these discussions from damaging your relationship:

• Schedule Your Time: Set a clear amount of time for these discussions rather than allowing them to be open-ended or erupt during stressful times.

How to Deal With Political Differences in Your Relationship

• Know How to Take a Break: Agree to pause if the conversation is becoming disrespectful. You can both return to it later. Some couples find it helpful to designate certain topics as off limits to preserve harmony in their relationship.

• Limit News Consumption: If broadcast news is a source of stress in your relationship, discuss with your partner how you can both limit the time you consume news (see my article: How to Cope With News Anxiety).

How Can You Develop Curious and Respectful Communication?

Instead of having a heated debate, focus on making your talk an opportunity to learn and connect:

• Ask Open-Ended Questions: Approach your conversation with a genuine curiosity by asking questions like "What are you thinking about this issue?" and "I would like to understand how you came to this conclusion. Can you tell me more?" (see my article: Start With Curiosity and Not Confrontation).

• Practice Active Listening: Rather than waiting your turn to argue with your partner, listen and attune to what your partner is saying so you can listen to your partner's perspective. Reflect back what you heard so you can show you're engaged in what your partner is saying and you're trying to understand.

• Avoid Personal Attacks: Avoid insulting your partner or questioning their character or intelligence. If you discuss your differences with respect, you can both keep the conversation from escalating into a big argument.

How Can You Prioritize Your Relationship?

Remember your bond to each other is more important than any political issue:

• Agree to Disagree: Accept that you probably won't change each other's minds so respect each other's rights to have different views and choose to let certain issues go.

How to Deal With Political Differences in Your Relationship

• Make a Decision About What Matters More: What has a higher priority: Your political views or your relationship? Couples who choose to prioritize their relationship tend to navigate these differences more effectively.

• Engage in Shared Activities: By focusing on shared hobbies and your goals and dreams, you can reinforce the connection that brought you together in the first place.

What Can You Do If Political Differences Are a Persistent Cause of Stress?

• Consider attending couples therapy as a neutral place where you can learn to navigate your differences in a healthy way.

• Couples therapy can help you to develop effective ways of communicating so you can resolve conflict and strengthen your relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples and I have helped many clients to navigate their differences so they can have a more meaningful relatonship.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How to Cope With Parents Who Are Trying to Guilt Trip You As An Adult

Parents who try to guilt trip you into doing what they want are usually emotionally immature. Rather than trying to placate them, you need to find healthy ways of dealing with their behavior.

What is Guilt Tripping?

Guilt tripping is when someone tries to manipulate you to control your behavior.

Coping With Guilt Tripping Parents

Aside from wanting to control your behavior, guilt tripping violates your boundaries.

What Are the Signs of Guilt Tripping?

• They Become Passive Aggressive: Instead of being outwardly aggressive, they make passive aggressive or sarcastic comments like, "Well, I guess if you can't come over this Sunday, I'll have to spend the day alone" (passive aggressive) or "Oh sure, don't worry about me, but I won't be around forever" (see my article: Coping With Family Members' Passive Aggressive Comments).

• They Try to Gaslight You: They might try to twist your words or distort the truth to make you question your intentions and behavior, "I don't know why you would rather be with your friends than come here to visit your father and me. Your friends won't always be there for you like we have been" or "You're the reason why your dad and I are unhappy."

• They Give You the Silent Treatment and Become Emotionally Distant: They stop communicating with you and ignore your calls, email and text. This is a form of emotional abuse to punish, gain power over and manipulate.

Coping With Guilt Tripping Parents

• They Remind You About Your Past Mistakes: This is another form of manipulation to try to make you feel like you owe them something. For example: "You're going out with your boyfriend instead of coming to see me? You always make bad relationship choices. Remember, I was who was there for you when you were hurt and upset about your last relationship."

• They Make Negative Comparisons: They might compare you to a sibling, another family member or a friend, "Your sister always comes over every Sunday, but you only come every two weeks."

• They Try to Make You Think It's All Your Fault: They won't take responsibility for their own actions. Instead, they blame you, "Your mother and I have tried to do everything to improve our relationship with you, but you just do things to make it worse."

How to Cope With Parents Who Are Trying to Guilt Trip You

Understand the impact guilt Tripping is having on you: Some people are very good at guilt tripping until they get you to feel the way they want you to feel and do what they want you to do.

Signs Your Parents Guilt Tripping is Affecting You

Recognize the signs that you're being affected by your parents' guilt tripping:

• You Feel Obligated to Them: You feel like you "owe" your parents--even when you know their demands are unreasonable.

Coping With Guilt Tripping Parents

• You Over-justify Your Actions: You keep defending or explaining your actions to your parents.

• You Feel Like Nothing You Do is Good Enough For Your Parents: You might feel like no matter how hard you try, nothing you do is ever good enough for your parents and you'll never be able to please them.

How to Cope With Parents Who Are Trying to Guilt Trip You

• Shift Your Perspective and Be Aware That You're Not Responsible For Your Parents' Feelings: If you're not actively trying to hurt your parents, you're not responsible if they feel hurt or angry that you're not doing what they want you to do. For instance, if you already have plans with a friend and your parents want you to come over on the same day, you have a right to stick with your plans and not try to appease your parents because they tell you you're making them feel hurt. 

• Set Clear Boundaries With Your Parents: Although it can be challenging, you might need to set boundaries with your parents. Let them know what is and isn't acceptable (see my article: Setting Boundaries With Family Members).

Coping With Guilt Tripping Parents

• Prioritize Your Needs: If your parents have been successful at guilt tripping you, you might feel like your needs are insignificant compared to theirs. Be aware you're doing this and make an agreement with yourself to prioritize your own needs.

• Validate Their Feelings: If you detect they have underlying feelings that they're not expressing, validate their feelings. For example, if they try to make you feel guilty about not coming to see them and you detect that their underlying feeling is that they miss you and want to spend time with you, validate that. At the same time, don't give up on your plans to appease them. Instead, you can suggest another day when you can get together with them (if you want to spend time with them).

Coping With Guilt Tripping Parents

• Get Emotional Support From Supportive Friends: Talk to trusted friends who will be emotionally supportive. If you feel apprehensive about talking with your parents and setting boundaries with them, you can "bookend" that conversation by talking to a trusted friend before and after your conversation with your parents. You might even arrange to have these bookended conversation with your friends in advance. 

Get Help in Therapy

The impact of guilt tripping can be traumatic.

Get Help in Therapy

Among other things, lifelong guilt tripping can make you susceptible to getting into a relationship with a partner who also tries to manipulate you with guilt and you might not even be aware of it because it seems "normal" to you.

A skilled mental health professional, who is a trauma specialist, can help you to heal from trauma so you can live a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Parts Work Therapist (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

As a Trauma Therapist, one of my specialties is helping clients to overcome trauma.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: What's the Difference Between Stonewalling and the Silent Treatment?

I wrote about stonewalling in a prior article (see my article: Are You a Stonewaller?).

In the current article I'm focusing on the difference between stonewalling and the silent treatment.

What is the Difference Between Stonewalling and the Silent Treatment?

Although stonewalling and the silent treatment might appear to be similar, they are different in certain key aspects as outlined below.

Stonewalling and the silent treatment are both forms of unhealthy communication. They both involve communication patterns where a person withdraws from a conversation (see my article: Understanding a Partner Who Withdraws Emotionally).

Stonewalling vs the Silent Treatment

Stonewalling usually occurs when one person feels overwhelmed and withdraws from the conversation.

The silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse where one person deliberately ignores, avoids or withdraws from communication to punish, control or manipulate the other person.

Here are the key differences between stonewalling and the silent treatment:

• Intent
• Duration
• Impact

Stonewalling

• Intent: To avoid conflict and feeling emotionally overwhelmed

• Behavior: Turning away, avoiding eye contact, shutting down the conversation or giving non-committal responses

• Duration: Usually temporary--lasting until the person no longer feels overwhelmed

Silent Treatment

• Intent: To punish, control or manipulate the other person

• Behavior: Prolonged withdrawal from communication, often accompanied by ignoring, avoiding or giving cold or hostile responses

• Duration: Lasting hours, days, weeks or more

The Key Differences

• Intent: Stonewalling is a defensive reaction whereas the silent treatment is intentional.

• Purpose: Stonewalling is aimed at avoiding conflict and the silent treatment is used to inflict emotional pain, gain power or manipulate.

• Duration: Stonewalling is usually temporary and the silent treatment can be prolonged.

• Impact: Stonewalling can damage a relationship by creating emotional distance and mistrust, while the silent treatment, which is intentional, can cause significant emotional distress to the person being ignored and potentially ruin or end a relationship.

An Example of Stonewalling

Whenever John and Alice got into an argument, John would feel so overwhelmed he would turn away and go into another room to calm himself. But since he didn't tell Alice that he felt overwhelmed, she would pursue him into the other room to continue the argument. This only made John feel even more overwhelmed so that he would withdrew even further, which angered Alice even more so she would try harder to get him to talk (see my article: Understanding a Partner Who Pursues Emotionally).

Stonewalling

As his feelings of overwhelm escalated, John would leave the house and to go for a walk. After he calmed down, he came back and told Alice he was ready to resume their conversation. By then, Alice had calmed down too, so they were able to have a calm discussion. After several months of this communication pattern, Alice insisted that they go to couples therapy to learn how to communicate in a healthy way. In couples therapy John learned that he would stonewall because he felt too overwhelmed to speak, which helped Alice to feel empathetic. Alice learned she had a fear of being abandoned, which made her pursue John. Over time, they learned how to communicate in a healthier way in couples therapy.

An Example of the Silent Treatment

Alex was hurt and angry when Sara said she was going out with her friends on a Sunday afternoon instead of spending time with him. Even though she had told him in advance that she and her friends planned to have brunch to celebrate one of her friend's birthdays, Alex felt that she was putting her friends above him. On most mornings Sara and Alex would sit and talk together in the kitchen and have coffee together. So, when Sara noticed that Alex didn't come into the kitchen at the usual time, she looked for him and she found him in the living room playing a game on his phone. Alex saw Sara come into the living room, but he ignored her and he didn't look up when she tried to talk to him. He sat in stony silence looking hurt and angry.

The Silent Treatment

No matter what she said, Sara couldn't get his attention so she got dressed to meet her friends. As she was leaving, she said goodbye to Alex, but he didn't respond. During her brunch with friends, Sara texted Alex to say she understood he felt hurt and she wanted to talk about it when she got home. But Alex ignored Sara's texts. He continued to ignore Sara for the next week, which was painful for her. Whenever she tried to initiate a conversation, he walked out of the room. Finally, at her wit's end, Sara gave Alex an ultimatum: Either he agree to attend couples therapy with her or he would move out her apartment. After another week of the silent treatment, Sara packed Alex's things, changed the locks and put his belongings on her doorstep.  Two weeks later, Alex called Sara reluctantly and told her he would attend couples therapy. Their couples therapist recommended that they both attend individual therapy. Alex learned in couples therapy that he used the silent treatment because he didn't know how to communicate his emotions and he wanted to punish Sara. The work in couples therapy was neither quick nor easy but, over time, Sara and Alex learned to communicate more effectively. Alex also realized in his individual therapy that he learned to give the silent treatment by observing his parents when he was a child. They would go days and weeks without talking to each other. Alex made a promise to himself and to Sara that he didn't want to repeat the mistakes his parents made in their relationship.

Summary

Both stonewalling and the silent treatment are unhealthy ways of communicating, but their intent, purpose and duration are different. 

Stonewalling is a maladaptive way of trying to cope with feeling emotionally overwhelmed.

The silent treatment, which is a form of emotional abuse, is used to inflict emotional pain, try to gain power or manipulate a partner.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

Whether one or both of you engage in stonewalling or the silent treatment, you could both benefit from getting help in couples therapy (see my article: Tips on How to Get the Most Out of Couples Therapy).

Get Help in Couples Therapy

Rather than continuing to damage your relationship, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who can help you to overcome your communication problems so you can have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: Are You Overfunctioning For Your Partner?

What is Overfunctioning in a Relationship?

Overfunctioning is a term used to describe when one partner is carrying the bulk of responsibilities, initiates difficult conversations and attempts to resolve problems in the relationship and in the household (see my article: Overcoming the Negative Cycle That Keeps You Both Stuck).

Are You Overfunctioning For Your Partner?

Why Does Overfunctioning Occur in a Relationship?

There are many ways a couple can get into a dynamic where one of them is overfunctioning and the other is underfunctioning.

As responsibilities increase, life becomes more complex so there are more household chores and responsibilities:

• Doing household chores
• Paying bills
• Remembering children's playdates and getting them there
• Remembering the children's doctors' appointments and getting them there

Are You Overfunctioning For Your Partner?

• Getting birthday gifts for the children's friends and getting the children to friends' birthday parties
• Being responsible for going to parent-teacher conferences
• Remembering grandparents' birthdays and anniversaries and getting gifts
• Work-related tasks
• And on and on

It's common for one person in the relationship to take on these and other responsibilities while the other partner takes on few, if any, responsibilities. 

The relationship you witnessed in your family of origin can also influence whether you become the overfunctioner or the underfunctioner based on traditions, culture and outdated gender roles.

This dynamic can resemble a mother-child relationship where the overfunctioner is in the role of the mother and the underfunctioner is in role of the child.

This often affects the dynamic in the bedroom because no one wants to make love to their parent or their child (see my article: Behaving Like a Parent to Your Partner Could Be Ruining Your Relationship).

As the overfunctioner becomes overwhelmed by the tasks and responsibilities they have taken on, resentment builds and conflict can grow.

Signs You Have Taken on the Role of the Overfunctioner

• You're the One Who Does Most or All the Chores and Carry the Mental Load: You clean, pay the bills, take care of the children, do the laundry and so on and you probably have a job outside the home with its own responsibilities (see my article: Sharing the Mental Load).

• You Assume That If You Take a Break, Things Will Fall Apart: You're aware doing everything with little or any participation from your partner, but you're afraid that if you take a break, everything will fall apart.

Are You Overfunctioning For Your Partner

• You Feel Angry and Resentful About the Role You Have Taken On: You feel taken for granted and unappreciated by your partner because you have taken on more than your fair share of responsibilities. 

• You Have Lost Sight of Your Own Needs: Since you're focused on doing everything else, you don't recognize your own needs which can lead to a diminishment of self and lack of fulfillment.

• You Don't Feel Like Being Intimate With Your Partner: Since you're probably exhausted, frustrated, angry and irritable, you don't feel like being emotionally or sexually intimate with your partner. Emotional distance between you and your partner can grow to the point where you feel like you're just two people co-existing in the same household (see my article: Have You and Your Partner Stopped Having Sex?).

How Can You and Your Partner Disrupt the Overfunctioning-Underfunctioning Dynamic?

It takes two people to create their dynamic and the dynamic between you and your partner didn't develop overnight and it won't change overnight.

If the two of you were dance partners and you changed what you did, your partner would have to change too (see my article: Breaking the Negative Cycle in Your Relationship).

This is similar to what Emotionally Focused Therapy for Couples describes as the pursuer-withdrawer dynamic with the overfunctioner being in the pursuer role and the underfunctioner being in the withdrawer role. 

If You're the Overfunctioner:

• Consider how you might be able to experiment:
• What chores or responsibilities can you back off from, let go of and surrender to your partner? 
• This might mean that certain things fall through the cracks. 

Are You Overfunctioning For Your Partner?

• Be aware that stepping back and allowing your partner to take the lead with certain tasks will probably feel uncomfortable at first, but don't give in to the urge to take it over again. You will feel resentful and you will be belittling your partner as if they were a child.

• You might feel some anxiety about the change.

• Don't be critical or judgmental if your partner takes on a task and their standards aren't up to yours. Unless it's a safety matter. Then, you can tactfully show your partner how you have performed this task or chore in a safe way, but avoid criticism so your partner doesn't consciously or unconsciously avoid the task.

If You're the Underfunctioner:

• Challenge yourself to consider where you can step up to take on responsibilities. 

• You might experience discomfort at first because you're not accustomed to taking on responsibilities, but you'll adjust.

• Don't wait to be told each time if you have agreed to take on a certain responsibility.

• Remember you're an adult, so avoid getting into the child role with your partner.

• Don't get defensive if your partner tactfully explains why it's safer to do certain chores or handle certain responsibilities in a particular way (e.g., don't leave the baby alone in a hot car and other similar safety issues).

• Don't wait until you "feel like" doing a chore. Just do it. After a while, you'll get accustomed to doing it even if you "don't feel like it."

• Be proud, rather than feeling ashamed, that you're taking on more adult responsibilities.

For Both the Overfunctioner and the Underfunctioner: Develop An Agreement:

• Set a time aside when you won't be interrupted and talk about the inequity of your situation and how you each feel about making changes.

• Approach the change as two people who are on the same team. Teamwork is essential when you're making these kinds of changes.

• Approach the conversation with curiosity about how your partner feels instead of criticism.

• Talk about which one of you is overfunctioning or which one is underfunctioning from each of your perspectives and how you each contribute to the dynamic.

• Agree to shake things up.

• Remember: If one of you starts doing a different "dance step", your partner will have to change too.

• Get specific:
• What will you do differently?
• How long will you experiment with the change?
• When will you follow up with each other to determine if you need to tweak or overhaul your plan?

Get Help in Couples Therapy

On the surface, it might not seem like it would be complicated to change the overfunctioning-underfunctioning dynamic, but there are usually other underlying dynamics including personal beliefs, gender norms, cultural issues, family history and other factors.

If you and your partner are getting stuck, you could benefit from working with an experienced couples therapist to help you overcome the obstacles that keep you both stuck.

If your sex life has been affected by these problems, seek the help of a couples therapist who is a Certified Sex Therapist.

Rather than struggling on your own and remaining stuck, get help sooner rather than later so you can both have a more meaningful experience in your relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

With over 20 years of experience, I have helped many individuals and couples to overcome their problems.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

What Do Couples Talk About in Couples Therapy?

Tips on How to Get the Most Out of Couples Therapy

Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples Can Help Change a Negative Dynamic in a Relationship

What is Sex Therapy?

 

What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?

What Are the Most Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?

What is the Purpose of the Preparation and Stabilization Phase in EMDR Therapy?

In the past I've written other articles about EMDR therapy including:

• What is EMDR Therapy? 

• EMDR and the Brain: How Does EMDR Therapy Work?

• Overcoming Trauma With EMDR Therapy

• EMDR Therapy - When Traditional Psychotherapy Isn't Enough

• EMDR Therapy Helps to Achieve Emotional Breakthroughs

In the current article I want to focus on Phase 2 of EMDR Therapy: The Preparation and Stabilization Phase.

Before focusing on Phase 2, let's review the eight stages of EMDR therapy.

The Preparation and Stabilization Phase of EMDR Therapy

What Are the 8 Phases of EMDR Therapy?

The eight phases of EMDR Therapy:

Phase 1: History Taking and Treatment Planning: 

• Taking a thorough family history
• Taking a history of the problem
• Establishing a rapport with the client
• Selecting target memories to process with EMDR

Phase 2: Preparation and Stabilization:

• Teaching the client about EMDR processing
• Helping the client to develop the necessary coping and relaxation skills to process the trauma with EMDR
• Ensuring the client is ready to process the trauma with EMDR

Phase 3: Assessment:

• Identifying the client's negative belief
• Identifying the images related to the traumatic memory to be processed
• Helping the client to identify their level of disturbance about the memory (Subjective Unit of Disturbance or SUD)
• Rating the level of disturbance (SUD)

Phase 4: Desensitization:

• Using bilateral stimulation (tapping, eye movements or tones) while the client focuses on the traumatic memory
• Reducing the client's disturbance (SUD) to a manageable level

Phase 5: Installation:

• Helping the client to identify and integrate a positive belief that contradicts the client's negative belief
• Strengthening the client's positive belief with bilateral stimulation

Phase 6: Body Scan:

• Helping the client to recognize any residual body sensations associated with the trauma
• Addressing any residual discomfort client has with regard to the trauma

Phase 7: Closure:

• Helping the client to develop a calm and grounded state
• Providing strategies so that the client can manage any future triggers

Phase 8: Reevaluation:

• Assessing the client's progress and revisiting the traumatic memory
• Deciding whether any further processing of the traumatic memory is needed

What is the Purpose of the Preparation and Stabilization Phase of EMDR Therapy?

Phase 2, known as the Preparation and Stabilization phase of EMDR, is essential because it:

• Builds Resources: The EMDR therapist helps the client to identify and strengthen internal resources  and external resources as well adaptive memory networks to support the client in processing the trauma.

• Helps to Build Coping Skills: The client learns various coping skills such as a breathing exercise, a container exercise, imagery, and grounding techniques to manage any intense emotions so the client can remain stable.

• Establishes a Relaxing Place Imagery: The client creates a mental image of a relaxing or safe place that they can return to if the processing feels overwhelming or between EMDR sessions.

• Increases Trust and Safety: This phase helps the client to develop trust and a sense of safety as well as enhance the therapeutic alliance between the client and therapist.

• Provides Psychoeducation: The therapist educates the client about trauma, the processing of trauma and what to expect in EMDR therapy. 

• Assesses the Client's Readiness to Start EMDR Processing: The therapist assesses the client's readiness to do EMDR therapy, determining if the client is sufficiently stabilized to proceed with the processing of trauma or if the client needs additional resources or more attention to stabilization. 

Why is the Preparation and Stabilization Phase Important in EMDR Therapy?

Without the necessary preparation and stabilization phase of EMDR, a client can become overwhelmed or retraumatized. 

They might be unable to stay in the present moment during the processing of the trauma or between sessions.

The Preparation and Stabilization Phase of EMDR Therapy

Preparation and stabilization ensures the client has the necessary internal stability and resources to safely process trauma using EMDR therapy.

This phase also helps to reduce the risk of negative experiences and to a better overall outcome for the client.

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many different cases to protect confidentiality, illustrates the importance of the EMDR Preparation and Stabilization Phase:

Tom

As a US veteran who experienced significant trauma during the Iraq war, Tom suffered with Posttraumatic Stress Disorder, which is also known as PTSD (see my article: What is the Difference Between Trauma and PTSD (Posttraumatic Stress Disorder)?

After he heard about EMDR therapy, he had consultations with a few EMDR therapists in his area.

When the therapists spoke to Tom about the need for preparation and stabilization before processing his traumatic memories, he felt discouraged about the time this would take. Understandably, he wanted to get rid of his PTSD symptoms and he wanted it now. 

One of his friends, John, an unlicensed mental health intern, told Tom that he had read books about EMDR therapy.  Even though he had no formal training in EMDR, John felt he could help Tom to overcome his trauma, so he offered to do EMDR for Tom.

Aside from John not being a licensed mental health professional and having no training in doing EMDR, Tom jumped right into Phase 4 of EMDR (Desensitization) by skipping Phases 1-3.

Within minutes of processing the trauma, Tom went into a dissociated state and believed he was back in the battlefield. He had no awareness of the present moment with John. He began shaking, crying and cowering on the floor. It was obvious to John that Tom was being retraumatized.

Panicked and not knowing what else to do, John called 911 and the Emergency Medical Technicians were there with 10 minutes. They helped to stabilize and calm Tom so that he became aware of his current surroundings.  They also suggested he contact his primary care physician.

In addition, the EMTs told John that, as an unlicensed intern, it was unethical and dangerous for him to undertake doing any type of therapy.

A few weeks later, Tom's primary care doctor referred him to a licensed mental health professional who had advanced training in EMDR therapy.

Although the therapy took longer than Tom would have liked, by the time his therapist prepared him for EMDR processing, he felt safe enough with her and prepared to do EMDR.

The work was not quick or easy, but by the time Tom completed EMDR therapy, he was relieved of his trauma symptoms and he felt ready to move on with his life.

Conclusion

EMDR is a safe and effective therapy to process and overcome trauma when done responsibly by a licensed mental health professional who has advanced EMDR training.

This article seeks to explain the importance of the Preparation and Stabilization Phase of EMDR (also known as Phase 2).

The Preparation and Stabilization Phase of EMDR Therapy

All the phases in EMDR therapy are important, however, as illustrated in the clinical vignette above, it's important not to skip any of the phases, including Phase 2, because of the risk of  experiencing negative mental health consequences, including retraumatization.

Some clients who seek help in EMDR therapy are initially disappointed that they cannot immediately start processing their trauma on Day1 in therapy.

They might seek help from unlicensed and untrained people because they think it will be quicker, but many of these individuals become retraumatized and in a worse state than they were originally.

Only seek help in EMDR therapy with a licensed mental health professional who has advanced training in EMDR.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

One of my specialties, as a trauma therapist, is helping clients to process and overcome trauma (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: Start With Curiosity and Not Confrontation

Starting with curiosity instead of confrontation means approaching a challenging situation by first seeking to understand the other person's feelings and behavior from their perspective and not just from your own.

Start With Curiosity and Not Confrontation

This involves asking open ended questions like: "Can you tell me more? I would like to understand."

Why Should You Start With Curiosity?

Curiosity allows you to remain open to your partner's perspective rather than assuming you understand when you might not.

In addition, curiosity:

• Builds Bridges, Not Walls: Whereas confrontation creates walls and divisions, curiosity builds bridges by promoting understanding and connection.

• Encourages Open Communication: A curious approach encourages honest sharing of thoughts, feelings and ideas without the fear of judgment, which leads to more transparent conversations.

Start With Curiosity and Not Confrontation

• Allows Your Partner to Be Open and Cooperative: When your partner feels you are genuinely curious and you're not being judgmental or critical, they are more likely to be open and cooperative.

• Unlocks Solutions: By exploring the root causes of the conflict, you can both discover innovative and more effective solutions that get to the core of the issue.

• Prompts Empathy: By considering that your partner is a decent person who arrived at their particular point of view, you're more likely to have empathy for them--even if your  perspective differs from theirs. Your empathy can help with finding a compromise to the problem.

How Can You Practice Using Curiosity?

• Ask Open Ended Questions: Instead of making assumptions, ask open ended questions that encourages your partner to share more.

• Be An Active Listener: Focus on listening to understand your partner's viewpoint instead of just waiting to respond so you can argue your point of view.

Start With Curiosity and Not Confrontation

• Check Your Own Biases: Be aware of your own conscious and unconscious biases and try to suspend your biases so you can avoid jumping to conclusions and making immediate judgments.

• Acknowledge Your Own Role in the Conflict: Be curious about your own perceptions and behavior to understand how you might be contributing to the conflict.

• Create Space For a Deeper Understanding: Slow down and create pauses in the conversation for a deeper understanding and greater insight.

Get Help in Couples Therapy

If you and your partner have tried to approach your conflicts with curiosity and not confrontation but you're not making progress, consider working with an experienced couples therapist.

A skilled couples therapist can help you to overcome the obstacles in your relationship.

Get Help in Couples Therapy

Rather than continuing to engage in the same behavior that isn't working, get help in couples therapy so you can have a more meaningful relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples and I have helped many people to have more fulfilling relationships.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me,