Relationships: How to Cope With Being Triggered in Your Relationship

Understanding how you and your partner trigger each other involves recognizing that triggers are disproportionately intense emotional reactions that are sparked by current events which have their roots in earlier unresolved trauma.

Partners Triggering Each Other

These reactions are automatic and rooted in the nervous system's fight-or-flight response.

Why Do People Get Triggered?

Triggers typically stem from several deep-seated psychological areas:

• Insecure Attachment History: Early childhood insecure attachment styles, like anxious, avoidant and disorganized attachment, become the models for adult relationships. For instance, a person with an anxious attachment might get triggered by a partner who needs space and an avoidant partner might feel triggered by a partner's request for closeness (see my article: How Your Attachment Style Affects Your Relationship).

Unresolved Trauma and Early Wounds

• Past Unresolved Trauma and Early Wounds: Events between partners that mirror childhood abuse, neglect or abandonment can cause panic where the brain reacts as if the past threat is happening now (see my articles: Reacting to the Present Based on the Past and Unresolved Trauma: Separating "Then" From "Now").

Critical Inner Voice

• Critical Inner Voice: A partner who has a history of unresolved trauma can misinterpret their partner's neutral actions. For example, if a partner says he's too tired to go out to dinner, the other partner's critical inner voice might hear "He doesn't care about me anymore" or "He thinks I'm too boring to be with" or "He thinks I'm unattractive" (see my article: Making Friends With Your Internal Critic).

• Unmet Needs: Triggers often occur when deep vulnerabilities aren't met by a partner (or they are perceived as not being met) like the need to feel seen, safe and respected which is rooted in unresolved trauma (see my article: 4 Ways Unresolved Early Trauma Can Have a Negative Impact on Your Relationship).

What is the Cycle of Mutual Triggering?

Mutual triggering occurs when one partner's reactive behavior becomes a trigger for the other partner. This can create an ongoing cycle of triggers.

• The Pattern: Partner A feels triggered and reacts (e.g., attacking or withdrawing). This reaction, in turn, triggers Partner B's insecurities which causes Partner B to react and so on.

• The Result: At the point when both partners are triggered, what often happens is that their wounded "inner children" engage in conflict which can lead to repeated arguments where nothing is resolved.

What Are Common Triggers in Relationships?

Common triggers in everyday interactions include:

• Criticism: Actual or perceived criticism, disapproval or a dismissive tone
• Rejection/Abandonment: Your partner canceling plans, running late or seeming emotionally distant
• Neglect: Feeling ignored or like your needs aren't important

How Can Partners Manage Triggers Together?

• Self Awareness: Use a journal to identify "raw spots" in your history that cause intense emotions so you can anticipate your triggers

Developing Self Awareness Through Journal Writing

• Naming the Trigger: Communicating clearly to your partner, "I feel triggered because..." can help to shift the focus from blaming your partner to addressing your internal pain. If you can't communicate what is going on with you in the moment, let your partner know that you feel upset and you need a moment to figure out how you're getting triggered. Once you have figured it out, communicate this to your partner.

Name the Trigger

• A Shared Pause Plan: Agree on a word or signal to pause a conversation when one or both of you feel overwhelmed. Make this agreement at a point when both of you are calm and then use it when upset.

Practice Reflective Listening

• Reflective Listening: When your partner shares their feelings, instead of rushing to say how you feel, listen and then paraphrase what you heard. Ask your partner if you have paraphrased their feelings accurately and, if not, ask them to say it again and try paraphrasing again. Then, switch roles. This can help each partner to feel heard and validated (see my article: How to Respond in a Supportive Way to Your Partner's Vulnerability).

Get Help in Couples Therapy

If you and your partner have tried to use these tools and strategies and you're still having problems, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who is a couples therapist.

Get Help in Couples Therapy

Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples, also known as EFT, can help you and your partner learn to identify and prevent your particular negative cycle so that you don't keep triggering each other.

Working in couples therapy can help you to have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have helped many individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Article:

The Potential Long Lasting Impact of Trauma 

Relationships: Are You Confusing Drama For Love?

I began a discussion about this topic in my prior article,  How to Stop the Drama in Your Relationship.

Confusing Drama For Love

In the current article, I'm focusing on the topic of confusing drama with love.

What is Drama in a Relationship?

Here are some of the concepts from my prior article:

Drama in a relationship refers to unnecessary conflict, emotional manipulation or the creation of problems (where they don't really exist) to get attention or control the relationship including:

• Attention Seeking: Some individuals in a relationship create drama in an effort to feel validated by their partner--often at the partner's emotional expense.

• Poor Communication Skills: When one or both people lack good communication skills, they can struggle to express their emotional needs or resolve conflict in a healthy way.

Confusing Drama For Love

• Unrealistic Expectations: When partners don't have realistic expectations of each other, this can lead to drama, especially if they don't know how to communicate well (see my article: Are You and Your Partner on the Same Wavelength About Your Relationship?).

• Projecting Emotional Pain: Partners can project their own emotional pain onto each other which usually leads to conflict.

• Past Unresolved Psychological Trauma: Partners can unconsciously project their unresolved trauma from the past onto their current relationship (see my article: How Unresolved Trauma Can Affect Your Relationship).

How to Distinguish Love From Drama in a Relationship

The following suggestions can help you to distinguish love from drama:

• A Loving Relationship Tends to Be Stable: All relationships have their ups and downs, but a mature loving relationship tends to be stable and consistent with mutual respect and not with constant drama and conflict.

Confusing Drama For Love

• A Healthy Relationship Tends to Be Secure: You experience a sense of security in a loving relationship--not anxiety or fear.

• A Loving Relationship is Reciprocal: A secure relationship has mutual care, respect and support. It does not involve one-sided drama, attention seeking and constant upheaval. It's also not transactional (see my article: What Are Transactional Relationships?).

• Self Love is Essential: In healthy relationships each person experiences self love which is different from codependency or the need for constant validation.

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette illustrates how someone can confuse drama for love:

Jane

When Jane met Tom, she felt instantly drawn to him.  She liked that he was quirky and he introduced her to his taste in art, music and culture which was so different from what her own experience.

Although their relationship was fun at the beginning, over time, Jane began to wonder about the relationship as she noticed certain of Tom's unstable behavior patterns.

He would text her constantly for days and then he would be unreachable for a week or more. In addition, he might show up at her apartment at 2 AM because he would say that he missed her so much and couldn't wait to see her, but then he would ignore her for days at a time.

When they began arguing about his behavior, Tom would tell her that they had a loving, passionate relationship which was why they had so many arguments, but Jane felt increasingly unhappy with their dynamic so she sought help in therapy.

Confusing Drama For Love

Jane told her therapist that she wondered if Tom was right: Did they have so many arguments because they had a passionate loving relationship or was there a problem?  She felt confused because this was her first committed relationship.

As Jane talked about her relationship with Tom in her therapy, she began to realize that she didn't like feeling so insecure in their relationship. She also realized their relationship tended to be on Tom's terms and when he didn't get his way, he would sulk and withdraw emotionally.

After a while, Jane came to the conclusion in her therapy that she didn't like being in such an  unstable relationship. She enjoyed their fun times together, but their fun times didn't make up for the instability and the one-sided nature of the relationship.  

She also became aware that she had confused the drama for love, but she realized that love and drama are two different things.

Confusing Drama For Love

Soon after that, Jane ended her relationship with Tom and she began seeing Bill. A few months into her relationship with Bill, she realized her new relationship was much more secure, reciprocal and stable. Although it might have lacked some of the excitement she felt with Tom, Jane knew her relationship with Bill was a relationship that could grow and flourish.

Conclusion

During the early stage of a relationship drama and chaos might seem fun and exciting, but it shouldn't be confused with love.

When a relationship is based on drama, it's difficult, if not impossible, to build the necessary a foundation for the relationship to grow.

When you can make the distinction between love and drama, you can decide if you want to remain in a relationship that's based on drama or you want a more solid, stable relationship.

Get Help in Therapy

Relationships based on drama can be challenging to get out of--even when you realize that it's the drama that's keeping you together and not love.

Get Help in Therapy

A skilled mental health professional can help you to discover why you might be hooked into an unstable and unhealthy relationship.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who has the expertise you need so you can lead a more meaningful life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I have over 20 years of experience helping individual adults and couples with a variety of issues.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

 

How Can People-Pleasing Behavior Affect a Relationship?

Individuals who engage in people-pleasing behavior are often unaware of how their behavior can affect their relationship to their partner as well as their relationship to themselves (see my article: Trauma and People-Pleasing Behavior).

What is People-Pleasing in a Relationship?

People-pleasing in a relationship involves prioritizing the needs, desires and opinions of a partner over your own.  As mentioned above, this behavior comes at the expense of the individual's well-being and the emotional health of the relationship.

People-Pleasing Behavior 

What Are the Characteristics of People-Pleasing Behavior?

Individuals who engage in people-pleasing behavior tend to be overly giving because they need to be needed.

Common traits include:

• Having low self worth
• Having little self awareness
• Behaving in an overly agreeable manner
• Accommodating other people's needs at the expense of their own
• Going with the flow of other people's desires
• Being unable to assert their own needs or not even understanding their own needs
• Feeling a sense of worth based on other people's validation as opposed to internal validation
• Apologizing when no apology is necessary
• Taking the blame when they are not at fault
• Making excuses for other people's problematic behavior

What is at the Root of People-Pleasing Behavior?

People-pleasing behavior usually stems from fear of rejection or fear of failure which is usually rooted in early childhood. 

This might involve a parent whose love was conditional so the child learns they have to earn their parent's love at the expense of their own needs.  It might also involve a parent who was emotionally distant or who was emotionally inconsistent (see my article: Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families and People-Pleasing Behavior).

The hallmark of people-pleasing behavior is that individuals look for validation from others as opposed to validating themselves. They want to feel liked and accepted by others because if they can feel validated by others, they feel worthwhile.

These individuals are often conflict avoidant. They like to avoid arguments and confrontations (see my article:  How to Prevent Conflict Avoidance From Ruining Your Relationship).

As a result, they might not tell others how they really feel (or they might not understand how they feel) because their main objective is to keep others happy.

How Does People-Pleasing Behavior Impact Relationships?

The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many different cases, is an example of how people-pleasing behavior can impact a relationship:

Jane and Bill

When Jane and Bill began dating, Jane often deferred to whatever Bill wanted to do. When he asked her what she would like to do on a Saturday night, she would usually respond by saying, "Whatever you want to do."

People-Pleasing Behavior in a Relationship

Over time, Jane gradually stopped seeing her friends because she wanted to be available in case Bill called her and wanted to go out.  

After they got married, Bill got a job offer which involved moving from New York City to Mexico City. 

Before he accepted the offer, Bill talked to Jane about how she would feel leaving her teaching job in New York and moving to Mexico. Without considering how she felt, Jane told Bill that if he wanted to move to Mexico City, she would be okay with moving.

Once the school year was over for Jane, they moved to Mexico City and Jane was more isolated than ever. She didn't speak Spanish, she hard no interest in learning, and she hardly ever went out of their apartment. She also felt too insecure to make friends with some of the other American women who lived nearby.

A year into their marriage, Bill knew their relationship was in trouble. He felt resentful that Jane always went along with whatever he wanted whenever there were big decisions to be made. He also felt lonely because he felt the emotional distance that was growing between them.

When a promotion opened up in New York City, Bill talked to Jane about moving back. He told her that he thought she was too isolated in Mexico City. He also shared how lonely he felt with her and he suggested they attend couples therapy when they returned to New York.

Jane complied with Bill's wishes to move back to New York and to get into couples therapy.  She wasn't fully aware of how unhappy Bill was until they began their couples therapy sessions and he talked about his despair in the relationship.

At first, Jane couldn't understand why Bill would be unhappy. She felt she was doing everything she could to make him happy and she feared he would leave her, which made her feel even more insecure.

During their couples therapy sessions, Jane began to understand how she tended to submit to whatever Bill wanted in an effort to feel worthy of their relationship. She also realized she needed to attend her own individual therapy to understand why she felt so out of touch with her own wants and needs.

Over time, Jane was able to trace her people-pleasing behavior to her relationship with her parents who were usually too preoccupied with their own interests to take notice of Jane--unless she performed very well in school or received an award. She gained insight into the root of her behavior and how it was damaging to her and her relationship with Bill.

The work in therapy was neither quick nor easy, but over time Jane gained more of a sense of self. She also realized that her behavior was driven by her fear and insecurity that if she didn't go along with whatever Bill wanted, he would leave her.

The dynamic in their relationship changed slowly over time as Jane got to know herself better and realized that her relationship with Bill was different from her relationship with her parents (see my article: Working Through Emotional Trauma By Learning to Separate "Then" From "Now").

Between her individual therapy sessions, she wrote in her journal as a way to self reflect and understand her feelings. Before she automatically said "yes" to Bill, she thought about what she really wanted.  She also realized that whenever she felt she "should" do something, it was usually out of a sense of obligation instead of what she really wanted. 

In addition, Jane became aware that whenever she remained silent about her misgivings, her resentment came out in other ways, so she learned to express her feelings rather than keeping them to herself (see my article: Letting Go of Resentment in Your Relationship).

Jane also reconnected with her friends and developed new hobbies of her own.

As Jane's confidence grew, she became an equal partner in her relationship with Bill. Their relationship also matured and deepened in a way that made them both happier.

Conclusion

People-pleasing behavior in relationships often has its roots in early family dynamics.

People-pleasing behavior in relationships often remains unconscious until problems arise and the couple explores their dynamic.

This behavior is often difficult to overcome on your own without working with a mental health professional.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you are stuck in people-pleasing behavior, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who can help you to gain insight so you can become your own person.

Getting Help in Therapy

Learning to validate yourself rather than depending upon external validation is part of the process (see my article: What is Self Validation?).

Rather than remaining stuck, get help from a skilled mental health professional so you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (Ego States Therapy and IFS), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

Over the years, I have helped many individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Debunking Common Myths About Anxiety

Anxiety is a common psychological condition; however, unfortunately, there are many misconceptions about anxiety (see my article: What is the Difference Between Fear and Anxiety?).

Debunking Common Myths About Anxiety

Anxiety is a treatable and legitimate condition--not a sign of personal weakness. 

Over 40 million adults experience some form of anxiety annually in the United States.

Debunking Common Myths About Anxiety

• Anxiety Isn't An Overreaction or Being "Dramatic": Anxiety disorders are mental health diagnoses that are real. 

• Anxiety Isn't a Sign of Weakness: Anyone can develop an anxiety disorder. It's not a sign of weakness and shouldn't be stigmatized. 

Debunking Common Myths About Anxiety

• You Can't Just "Snap Out of It" or "Relax": Anxiety isn't a voluntary condition. It requires help from a mental health professional.

• Avoiding Triggers Won't Cure Anxiety: Avoiding triggers can reinforce anxiety and make it worse over time. It requires active mental health treatment from a qualified licensed mental health professional (see my article: Avoidance Coping as a Maladaptive "Coping" Strategy).

• Anxiety Isn't in Your Mind: Anxiety includes physical and mental health symptoms which can include panic, racing heart, feeling dizzy, nausea and so on.

• Medication Isn't the Only Treatment: Psychotherapy, lifestyle changes and self care are often effective without medication. Each person who experiences anxiety needs to be assessed for their particular symptoms and their particular mental health needs, which might include medication. 

Note: The purpose of this article is only to provide information. An assessment and diagnosis needs to be made by a qualified medical or mental health professional.

Getting Help in Therapy For Anxiety

Anxiety can include many different types of anxiety-related diagnoses including panic attacks, posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and generalized anxiety to name a few (see my article: Getting Help in Therapy For Anxiety).

Getting Help in Therapy For Anxiety

If you have been experiencing anxiety, you owe it to yourself to get help from a licensed mental health professional.

Developing the tools and strategies to cope with anxiety and getting to the underlying issues can help you to lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have helped many individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To schedule a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

Debunking Myths About Depression

What is a Trauma Therapist? 

Posttraumatic Growth

Debunking Common Myths About Depression

Depression is one of the most common diagnoses in the United States and, yet, it's a diagnosis that is still poorly understood with many misconceptions (see my article: What is the Difference Between Sadness and Depression?).

Debunking Common Myths About Depression

According to the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH), more than 21 million people had at least one depressive episode in 2020. However, people who are depressed continue to be stigmatized because misconceptions about depression persist.

What Are the Symptoms of Depression?

Depression symptoms involve a persistent low mood or loss of interest in activities lasting two weeks or more as well as some or all of the symptoms mentioned below.

The following are among the symptoms that can be depression, but a differential diagnosis must be made by a skilled mental health professional:

• Feeling Down or Empty: A feeling that does not go away
• Loss of interest in activities that were enjoyable before: Anhedonia
• Hopelessness/Pessimism: A bleak outlook about the future
• Feelings of Worthlessness/Guilt: Intense feelings of failure or self blame
• Irritability and Restlessness: Particularly common in men
• Suicidal Thoughts: Thoughts of death or self harm
• Fatigue: Extreme lack of energy or feeling "slowed down"
• Appetite/Weight Changes: Significant weight loss or weight gain; increased or decreased appetite
• Physical Pain: Headaches, cramps or digestive problems that do not improve with treatment
• Reduced Concentration: Difficulty focusing, remembering or making decisions
• Social Isolation: Withdrawing from friends and loved ones

Symptoms in Different Groups:

Men: Men are more likely to show anger, irritability, aggression and more likely to engage in high-risk activities.

Debunking Common Myths About Depression

Women: Women may experience symptoms related to menstrual cycles (e.g., Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder)

Children/Teens: Children and teens may exhibit irritability, outbursts or poor performance in school--although some children and teens don't exhibit these symptoms.

When to Seek Help Immediately

If you or someone you know is experiencing suicidal thoughts, seek help immediately by calling 911 or going to your nearest emergency room.

Common Myths About Depression Debunked

• Depression Isn't All in Your Head: Depression is a biological, social and psychological disorder. It can be chronic and requires psychological treatment. 

• Depression Isn't Only Brought On By a Traumatic Event: A traumatic event isn't necessarily the cause of depression. For example, while experiencing grief is common, someone who is depressed can experience symptoms for a longer period of time than someone who has a loss but who isn't depressed. 

• Medication Alone Doesn't Always Help Depression: The best combination of treatment is often a combination of psychotherapy and, if needed, medication.

Debunking Common Myths About Depression

• You Can't Just "Snap Out of It": Depression isn't a choice. You can't just "snap out of it" with positive thinking (see my article: What is Toxic Positivity?).

• Depression Doesn't Look the Same For Everyone: There is no one-size-fits-all experience of depression. Each person can have different symptoms and a different experience.

• Depression Isn't the Same as Feeling Sad: Feeling sad and being depressed are two different things. Feeling sad or "down" usually doesn't last as long as a depressive episode. 

• Depression Isn't a Sign of Weakness: Anyone can experience depression. Depression is a biological and psychological condition that has nothing to do with being "weak" or "strong".

• Talking About Depression Doesn't Make It Worse: Working with a skilled mental health professional can help to provide clarity and hope. Silence perpetuates the stigma against depression and can increase feelings of isolation.

Note: The purpose of this article is only to provide information. For medical advice or diagnosis, consult a mental health professional who has an expertise in working with individuals who experience depression.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing, Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy) and a Certified Sex Therapist.

I have helped many individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: "I'm Sorry You Feel That Way" Isn't An Apology

I often hear individuals in relationships complain that their partner says, "I'm sorry you feel that way" instead of apologizing, so I think this is an important topic to discuss. 

Give a Sincere Apology

Why Isn't Saying "I'm sorry you feel that way" An Apology?

This phrase shifts the focus from the behavior of the person apologizing to the reaction of the recipient's emotions, which invalidates the recipient's experience rather than the person apologizing accepting responsibility for whatever was said or done.

Consciously or unconsciously, this is a defensive tactic. When it's used consciously, it's a form of gaslighting and can be infuriating for the recipient because it's a non-apology. When it's used unconsciously, it's defensive.

Many relationships, friendships and family relationships have been ruined with the phrase "I'm sorry you feel that way".

When you say "I'm sorry you feel that way", you're being rude and dismissive. Instead of expressing remorse, you are communicating, "You're wrong and I'm right."

How to Apologize Sincerely

A sincere apology requires:

• Taking Responsibility: Taking full responsibility for your behavior promptly without making excuses.

• Avoiding Certain Words: Don't use words like "but" and "if", like "I'm sorry I hurt you, but..." or "I'm sorry if you were hurt..."

• Apologize Face to Face: If face to face isn't possible, calling is better than emailing or texting

Give a Sincere Apology

• Be Genuine: Express genuine remorse.

• Offer Amends: Offer to make amends and offer a possible solution to make things right.

• Name Your Specific Behavior: Name the behavior that hurt or harmed the other person. 

• Practice Active Listening: Listen to the other person's feelings without interrupting or getting defensive. Defensiveness invalidates the other person's feelings.

• Avoid Judging the Person: Don't tell the other person that they are overreacting.

• Make a Commitment to Improve Your Behavior: Commit to making a change and express how you will prevent it from happening again.

What If You Don't Think You Did Anything Wrong?

Even if you think what you did or said wasn't wrong or not that bad, it's still important to apologize when you have upset someone.

If you want to preserve the relationship, you need to let go of issues about right or wrong to try to understand the other person's experience and re-establish connection with them.

What If the Other Person Doesn't Accept Your Apology Immediately?

The other person might not be ready to accept your apology right away, so:

• Give Time and Space: Don't demand a response or closure. They might need time to process their hurt. If you continue to push for acceptance of your apology, you come across as being disrespectful.

Give a Sincere Apology

• Respect Their Decision: Accept that you can't force someone to forgive you.

• Don't Take Back Your Apology: Even if the other person rejects your apology, don't take back your apology. Stay firm in accepting your responsibility.

• Show, Don't Tell: Allow your future actions to reflect your remorse. Consistent positive behavior is worth more than words.

• Be Patient: Reconciliation might not happen immediately. In some cases, it might not happen at all and that's something you have to accept.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

As an experienced therapist, I have helped many individual adults and couples over the years.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

Asking For Forgiveness - The Power of Making Amends  

Making and Receiving Loving Gestures in Your Relationship to Repair  

What Does Forgiving Mean?

When Your Efforts to Make Amends Are Rejected 

Learning to Forgive Yourself 

The Psychological Stages of Forgiveness 

Does Forgiving Mean Forgetting?

Relationships: How to Try to Prevent Implicit Betrayals

In my prior post, Coping With Implicit Betrayals, I defined implicit betrayals in relationships and discussed how to cope if you discover an implicit betrayal in your relationship.

I wrote the article about coping with implicit betrayals first because many couples discover there have been implicit betrayals before they even know what that term means and before they have discussed these issues as a couple.

Preventing Implicit Betrayals in Your Relationship

In the current post, I'm discussing how to try to prevent implicit betrayals.

While you might not be able to completely avoid this kind of problem in your relationship, you and your partner can try to prevent it by being proactive and taking certain steps.

I suggest you read my prior article if you haven't already to understand what implicit betrayals are, but here's a brief review:

Implicit betrayals includes (but is not limited to) non-obvious violations of trust including:

• Emotional affairs that are hidden from the partner
• Financial infidelity including secret bank accounts, hiding big expenditures, etc.
• Withholding affection, chronic criticism or stonewalling
• Gaslighting
  
• Emotional disengagement (also known as quiet quitting)
• A conditional commitment to the relationship
• Neglect or selfishness
• Consistent broken promises
• Lying by omission including not being completely honest with your partner
• Online infidelity including romantic or sexual texts with others in chats
• Consistently siding with a third party against your partner (e.g., mother, father, in-law, friend or other family member)

How to Try to Prevent Implicit Betrayals

I use the word try because you can't control their partner.  However, there are things you can do to try to prevent implicit betrayals:

• Don't Rush Into a Relationship: Take it slowly and get to know the other person well including their values and how they define implicit betrayals (see my article: How to Stop Rushing Into a Relationship Too Quickly).

Preventing Implicit Betrayals in Your Relationship

• Practice Clear Proactive Communication: Although you might think your partner and you are both on the same page with regard to implicit betrayals, you might discover that you're not after you discover an implicit betrayal. So, practice clear communication about what you consider implicit betrayals. For instance, if neither you nor your partner mind online romantic or sexual chats with other people, that's not an implicit betrayal. But if you do, you need to be clear and specific about that as well as other forms of implicit betrayals.

• Align Expectations With Reality: Acknowledge your partner for who they are and your relationship for what it is and not how you want things to be. Make sure you're both on the same page with regard to a commitment to the relationship and other issues that are important to you. Don't assume you're in a committed relationship just because you have been seeing each other for a certain amount of time. Talk about how you feel and your partner feels about the status of things between you (see my article: Are You and Your Partner on the Same Page About Your Relationship?).

• Practice Moderate Vulnerability: While you don't want to be a completely "closed book" during the early stage of a relationship, avoid deep vulnerability until you know your partner well and trust has been earned for each of you.

• Define and Set Personal Boundaries: Have clear communication at the beginning of a relationship about what each of you would consider an implicit betrayal. Be specific. Don't assume that you and your partner feels the same way about it (see my article: How to Set Boundaries in Your Relationship).

• Manage Your Triggers: If there have been trust issues because you have unresolved trauma from childhood that involved trust violations, learn to manage your triggers. Identify your triggers and learn to manage them. Also, know when you're reacting to the past and not to the present (see my articles: Coping With Triggers and Reacting to Your Present Circumstances Based on Your Traumatic Past).

• Don't Compromise Your Self Respect: Be calm and assertive when your boundaries have been crossed. Keep promises you have made to yourself. Don't allow your partner to disrespect you in order to maintain the relationship (see my article: What is the Difference Between Assertive and Aggressive Behavior?).

• Practice Self Care: Build your own resilience  so that if a betrayal does occur your sense of self isn't destroyed.

Get Help in Therapy

Some people have problems being clear on what implicit betrayals mean to them because they are either inexperienced with relationships, don't know how to communicate or their boundaries were consistently violated when they were growing up so they have problems separtating the past from the present.

Get Help in Therapy

If you're unclear about what implicit betrayals mean to you, you could benefit from doing your own individual therapy with a licensed mental health professional who can help you to overcome unresolved trauma so you can understand and communicate your personal needs and boundaries.

If you and your partner are having difficulty negotiating an agreement about implicit betrayals or other aspects of your relationship, you could benefit from working with a a couples therapist who can help you both to understand and communicate your needs and come to an agreement. 

If you can't come to a mutual agreement, a couples therapist can help you to break up in a conscious, respectful and compassionate way so you can both move on without regrets about how you ended your relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have helped many individual adults and couples over the years.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.