How to Let Go of Resentment in Your Relationship

As a psychotherapist who works with individual adults and couples, I have worked with many clients who have problems with resentment.

This is why I'm focusing on resentment in relationships in the current article.

Letting Go of Resentment in Your Relationship

What is Resentment?

Resentment is an emotional reaction to feeling mistreated or treated unfairly which often includes hurt, frustration, anger, disappointment and bitterness.

Letting Go of Resentment in Your Relationship

Although disappointment and frustration are common experiences in adulthood, when these feelings become overwhelming in a relationship, this often leads to resentment.

What Causes Resentment?

Resentment can be caused under many circumstances.

Here are some of the most common causes:

• Feeling put down

• Feeling unseen or unheard

• Having unrealistic expectations

• Unmet needs

• Power imbalances

• Poor communication

• Unresolved conflict

• Betrayal

• Feeling disrespected and taken for granted

• Divergent goals and priorities

How Does Resentment Build Over Time?

Although there are no official stages of resentment, resentment can build over time from mild to severe.

Letting Go of Resentment in Your Relationship

Someone can start by feeling hurt, but if the problems in the relationship continue and/or they are uncommunicated, these feelings can escalate to hatred and a wish for revenge.

Over time, when one or both partners in a relationship feel resentful, the relationship can become tense and they might consciously or unconsciously avoid each other.  

Why is Letting Go of Resentment Difficult At Times?

One or both partners might have problems letting go of resentment, especially if there is a tendency to ruminate about perceived or actual wrongdoing.

Difficulty with letting go can be exacerbated by a traumatic history in prior relationships or in a family history where the current situation can trigger resentment from the past.

How to Identify the Signs of Resentment

Healthy relationships are based on openness, honesty and an ability to be emotionally vulnerable with one another.

When a partner feels resentment, they might feel less inclined to communicate their feelings with their partner. What often happens instead is that the resentful partner suppresses their feelings and shuts down emotionally.  

Letting Go of Resentment in Your Relationship

They might not even realize they're suppressing feelings because emotional suppression can happen in a fraction of a second so they might be unaware, but their partner might sense their emotional distance.

When anger, bitterness and hostility take over, communication can break down and the resentful partner might not respond to their partner's gestures for connection. 

This could mean that they stop talking to their partner when they're together and ignore phone calls and texts when they're apart.

How Can Resentment Affect Your Emotional and Physical Well-Being?

Resentment is often a sign that you haven't dealt with a situation in an effective way.

If you haven't processed your feelings, you can put yourself at risk for:

• Anxiety
  

• Depression
  

• Muscle tension

• Headaches

• Sleep problems
  

• High blood pressure

• Digestive disorders

• A compromised immune system

How to Let Go of Resentment in Your Relationship

If you feel resentment, you can try to communicate your feelings to your partner in a calm and thoughtful way.

Some people who feel overwhelmed by resentment find it useful to do their own writing about it first to sort out their feelings so they can be calm when they talk to their partner.

Letting Go of Resentment in Your Relationship

If you're upset and angry when you talk to your partner, your partner might not hear you because they might get defensive if you're blaming them for the problems in the relationship.

Remember that it takes two people to create a relationship so it's rare for all the problems to be your partner's fault.

If you feel your resentment has become unmanageable for you, you could benefit from talking to a licensed mental health professional who can help you to sort out your feelings and learn how to deal with resentment.

This can be especially beneficial if your current situation is triggering unresolved trauma from the past. 

Even if your current circumstances are triggering unresolved problems, this doesn't mean that there aren't problems to be worked out in your relationship. In other words, the current issues can still be relevant even if they are exacerbated by past experiences.

You and your partner can also benefit from couples therapy if the problems are longstanding or if the two of you haven't been able to work out issues on your own.

What Are Perpetual Problems in Relationships?

There might be certain problems, which are called "perpetual problems", that you won't be able to resolve and, if you want to stay together, you have to learn to manage your feelings around them instead of expecting things to change or remaining resentful.

Dr. John Gottman, who is a relationship expert and the author of many books on relationships, estimates that a whopping 69% of relationship problems are considered "perpetual problems." 

These might include, but are not limited to, differences in:

• Lifestyle needs

• Personality types, e.g., introvert vs extrovert

• Values

• Perspectives about money

• Parenting styles

More about perpetual problems in a future article.

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette illustrates how resentment can affect a relationship and how therapy can help:

Ann and Joe

When Ann and Joe met, they both knew they wanted to be together.

They dated for two years before they moved in together in Ann's apartment after Joe's lease expired.

Letting Go of Resentment in Your Relationship

Ann knew Joe had different housekeeping standards before he moved in. She had been to his apartment many times before they moved in together and she often teased him about his messy apartment. At the time, she thought it was funny and poked fun at him about it. 

But after Joe's lease expired on his Manhattan apartment and he moved into Ann's Brooklyn apartment, Ann didn't think it was funny anymore. Over time, she felt annoyed with finding Joe's socks and underwear on the bedroom floor and she couldn't understand how this didn't bother him.

At first, Ann didn't say anything. She was raised in a family where her parents didn't like to "rock the boat" so they avoided discussing difficult topics. As a result, eventually, they lead separate lives even though they remained together in the same house.

After a few weeks of watching Joe step over his socks and underwear, Ann felt her resentment building up.  She felt hurt, angry and disappointed because she thought Joe was taking for granted that she would pick up his clothes.

Even though Joe seemed oblivious to his clothes on the floor, he sensed Ann's emotional distance and he asked her if there was something wrong. 

By then, Ann had suppressed her feelings to such an extent that she wasn't even aware she felt angry so she responded, "I'm okay. There's nothing wrong."

Joe shrugged his shoulders and went into the living room to watch the football game. While he was watching the football game, he felt annoyed by the sound of Ann's vacuum cleaner, which was drowning out the game on TV. So, he asked her if either he could vacuum later or if she would consider vacuuming later.

At that point, Ann turned off the vacuum cleaner and walked out of the apartment in a huff.  When Joe heard the door slam, he went out to try to find Ann, but she was already walking quickly down the block.

When she returned, she found Joe sitting on the sofa staring at the blank TV screen. As she was taking off her coat, Joe came behind her, touched her shoulder and she bristled.

"I know something is wrong" he said, "Can we talk about it?"

Ann felt too emotionally overwhelmed to speak, so she went into the bedroom, shut the door and called her best friend, Jane, to complain. 

Jane responded by asking Ann, "Why don't you talk to Joe about it?"

"I don't know." Ann said, "We never talked about things difficult things in my family and I feel uncomfortable bringing it up."

"But if you don't bring it up, how will it get resolved?" Jane asked.

"I don't know." Ann responded, "Do you think I'm making a big thing out of nothing?"

"Talk to Joe." Jane advised.

When Ann came into the living room and she saw Joe with his head in his hands, she felt compassionate towards him, "I'm sorry I walked out of the apartment so abruptly. I didn't realize how resentful I felt about your messiness until I felt overwhelmed by it."

"I'm so glad you're talking to me," Joe responded, "You know how I am. I don't even notice my messiness, but if it's bothering you, I'll try to be more aware of it."

After their talk, they made up and cuddled on the couch together. But a few days later, Ann felt annoyed that Joe made plans to go to a baseball game with his friend without consulting her first. She had planned to ask Joe if he wanted to go to Jane's dinner party on the same night, but she hadn't asked him yet.

Since she couldn't decide if she was being unreasonable or not, Ann kept her annoyance to herself until the day when Joe was supposed to go to the baseball game and Ann wanted to go to Jane's party.

She didn't speak to Joe about her resentment, but he sensed something was wrong because she was slamming pots and pans around in the kitchen. Similar to before, Joe approached Ann to ask her if there was something wrong and Ann responded she was okay.

After several attempts of trying to persuade Ann to talk, Joe gave up and went to the game and Ann called Jane to say she couldn't make it to her dinner party.

When Joe got home, he found Ann in a sulky mood scrolling on her phone.  When he sat down on the bed next to her, he sensed her remoteness, "Ann, I wish you would tell me what's bothering you."

Reluctantly, she spoke about her hurt and angry. Then, they talked about how they had never discussed how to consult each other before making their own plans. 

They agreed to talk to each other before making plans with other people, and they developed a common calendar so they could keep track of their social events together and apart.

Over time, there were several other issues that Ann felt resentful about and she realized how her upbringing was getting in the way of her communicating with Joe, so she began her own individual therapy. 

They also got into couples therapy to learn how to improve their communication (see my article: How to Improve Communication in Your Relationship).

Gradually, they learned in couples therapy how to be more open, honest and emotionally vulnerable with each other.  They also learned there were certain issues they weren't going to resolve due to differences in their personalities. 

For instance, Ann tended to be more extroverted and Joe tended to be more introverted so they often liked doing different things. Ann liked going to parties, but Joe felt uneasy at parties.  

They realized they weren't going to change each other's personalities, so they came up with a compromise: Joe would go to some of the parties and learn to mingle, but he wouldn't go to all the parties Ann wanted to attend. Although she was disappointed at first, Ann realized this was a reasonable compromise and she learned to manage her feelings in the interest of preserving their relationship.

Ann also developed insight into how her family history was exacerbating problems with Joe, and she talked about how to manage her feelings in her individual therapy.  Over time, she also worked through her family history so it didn't affect her as much. This work was neither quick nor easy, but she persevered.

Joe learned in couples therapy how to be more considerate of Ann. He became more self aware so he could take Ann's feelings into account.

They both learned that no relationship is perfect. Since they wanted to stay together, they realized that maintaining their relationship would be an ongoing process.  

Over time, they developed relationship goals which helped them both to feel more invested in their relationship and gave them a sense of a future together (see my article: 10 Relationship Goals to Create a Stronger Relationship).

Conclusion

Resentment is often a combination of hurt, anger, disappointment and frustration when one or both people in a relationship feel they are being mistreated or treated unfairly.

Resentment can build over time from mild to severe.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

Recognizing signs of resentment can be difficult, especially if you have unresolved issues related to prior relationships or your family of origin. This can be especially problematic if you grew up in a family where resentment either wasn't dealt with well or not at all.

Ongoing feelings of resentment can cause emotional and physical problems.

There are certain issues in relationships that are perpetual problems due to differences between you and your partner. Each of you need to decide if you can each manage these problems or if they are deal breakers.

When resentment becomes an ongoing problem where you find it difficult to communicate, you could benefit from attending individual therapy to learn to overcome this problem.

Couples therapy can be beneficial if you and your partner find yourself in ongoing cycles of resentment where you can't break the negative cycle in your relationship (see my article: Overcoming the Negative Cycle in Your Relationship That Keep You Stuck).

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT For Couples, Parts Work, Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

 

What Are Imaginal Interweaves in Trauma Therapy?

In prior articles I provided a basic explanation for Imaginal Interweaves in Trauma Therapy (see my articles Imaginal Interweaves - Part 1 and Part 2).

In the current article, I'm taking a deeper dive to explain Imaginal Interweaves, an intervention I often use in trauma therapy.

What Are Imaginal Interweaves in Trauma Therapy?

Imaginal Interweaves are techniques used in trauma therapy.

Imaginal Interweaves in Trauma Therapy

I learned how to do Imaginal Interweaves in an advanced Attachment Focused EMDR Therapy training about 20 years ago from EMDR expert Laurel Parnell, Ph.D.and I have found them to be an effective way to help clients to heal.

Imaginal Interweaves are techniques used in EMDR and other Experiential Therapies where a trauma therapist guides clients to use their imagination to connect with different aspects of themselves (see my article: Why is Experiential Therapy More Effective Than Traditional Talk Therapy?).

This often includes imagining their younger child self (often called "inner child"). This is especially helpful if clients become stuck when they're processing unresolved trauma. 

Examples might be imagining their current adult self:

• Comforting their younger self

• Defending their younger self from someone who was abusive

• Taking their younger self away from an unsafe, abusive environment to a place where their younger self feels safe

Imaginal Interweaves are:

• Specific therapeutic interventions used in trauma therapy, like EMDR therapy, AEDP, Parts Work Therapy and other Experiential Therapies.

• A tool to process trauma when a client gets stuck during the processing

• Guided imagery the therapist facilitates

• A technique for self connection 

Imaginal Interweaves work by:

• Helping a client to develop internal and external resources

• Bridging different perspectives including a gap between a more vulnerable part of a client and a more capable adult self

• Facilitating new emotional responses by using the imagination to work through overwhelming feelings related to trauma

What Are Some Examples of Imaginal Interweaves?

There are many different types of Imaginal Interweaves.

Imaginal Interweaves in Trauma Therapy

Here are examples of a few:

• Adult-Child Interactions: The adult self comforts the child self to provide a sense of present-day safety and reassurance.

• Expressing Anger: The adult self can be imagined as holding the perpetrator so the child self can express anger while feeling safe.

• Direct Communication: After asking the client's permission, the therapist can speak directly to the child self to find out what the child self needs.

Making a Distinction Between What Actually Happened and An Imaginal Interweave

Trauma therapists make the distinction with the client about what actually happened during their trauma and an Imaginal Interweave.

Imaginal Interweaves in Trauma Therapy

In no way would I try to get a client to believe that something different happened from what actually happened.

The purpose of Imaginal Interweaves is to give clients a new embodied experience using their  imagination while continuing to know that what is being imagined didn't actually happen.

An embodied experience means the client experiences a mind-body connection during an Imaginal Interweave which helps with the integration of the new experience.

To help them to experience an embodied experience, I will help the client to have a felt sense where they feel the new imagined experience in their body. 

This serves as an anchor for the experience in an embodied way rather than just being an intellectual process (see my article: The Mind-Body Connection: Developing a Felt Sense of Your Internal Experiences).

Using an embodied approach facilitates healing.

How Can Imaginal Interweaves Help to Free You From Your Traumatic History?

By processing unresolved trauma using Imaginal Interweaves, you can free yourself from your traumatic history by:

• Overcoming unresolved trauma that keeps you stuck in your current life

• Overcoming false negative beliefs you have about yourself

• Connecting you to your inner resources

• Integrating various internal parts of yourself to achieve improved mental health

• Gaining self confidence to cope with past, current and future challenges

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

Traditional talk therapy can help you to gain insight into your problems, but it doesn't always help you to heal from trauma.

Experiential Therapy that includes Imaginal Interweaves provides you with a mind-body oriented experience that is a more holistic way to heal.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help in Experiential Therapy so you can heal and live a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

As a trauma therapist, I have helped many individual adults and couples to work through unresolved trauma.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

 

Relationships: Dealing With Your Partner's Trauma Triggers - Compassion vs Complacency

Many partners of trauma survivors struggle with their partner's trauma triggers. 

They tell me they don't know what to do to help their partner when their partner becomes triggered.

This article discusses how to avoid responding complacently and how to respond with compassion instead.

What is the Difference Between Compassion vs Complacency?

For someone dealing with their partner's trauma triggers, there is a big difference between compassion and complacency.

Dealing With a Partner's Trauma Triggers

Compassion means offering patient, empathetic support to a partner while complacency involves a harmful indifference or dismissal of a partner's symptoms or efforts to recover from trauma.

A compassionate response helps to establish safety and connection while a complacent response can lead to resentment, emotional detachment and a breakdown of trust.

Let's look at the differences between compassion and complacency in more detail:

Complacency: A Damaging Response

Complacency occurs when a partner stops putting an effort to understand and support a partner's healing journey. This often occurs because the partner who isn't traumatized becomes fatigued or resentful. 

Dealing With a Partner's Trauma Triggers

This can take a heavy toll on the relationship because the partner with trauma feels unseen, unheard, unsafe and alone.

Signs of Complacency:

• Minimizing Your Partner's Feelings: Saying "It's not that big a deal" or "You're making a big deal out of nothing" invalidates a traumatized partner's experience

• Taking a Partner's Triggers Personally: Viewing a partner's trauma triggers as a personal attack, which leads to resentment and defensive behavior

Dealing With a Partner's Trauma Triggers

• Ignoring Triggers: A partner who refuses to adjust their behavior or the environment to accommodate a partner's needs which violates the traumatized partner's safety

• Withdrawing Emotionally: Becoming emotionally distant or apathetic to a partner's emotional needs which leads to emotional disconnection and a breakdown in communication

• Taking a Partner For Granted: A lack of affection and appreciation, as if the traumatized partner's presence is guaranteed which can make feelings of abandonment and worthlessness worse

Compassion - A Supportive Response

A compassionate partner tries to understand the origins of their partner's trauma response instead of reacting defensively to triggered behavior.  

Dealing With a Partner's Trauma Triggers

This approach helps to regulate a traumatized partner's nervous system and offers a steadying presence.

Signs of Compassion:

• Active Listening and Emotional Validation: Listening without judgment, "That sounds difficult. I'm here for you."

Dealing With Your Partner's Trauma Triggers

• Educating Yourself: Take the initiation to learn about trauma's effects on the brain and behavior to gain insight and perspective 

• Creating a Safe Environment: Work together to identify triggers and create a plan for when triggers occur. This might include agreed-upon actions or a "safe word" to use during moments of high distress

• Respecting Boundaries: Honor a traumatized partner's needs for space or control, which is essential for trauma survivors who might have had their boundaries violated

• Patience: A recognition that healing from trauma isn't a linear process and there will be ups and downs along the way (see my article: Progress in Therapy Isn't Linear).

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many different cases, illustrates how a partner shifts his behavior from a complacent to a compassionate stance:

Ed and Mary

Before they moved in together, Ed was aware that Mary had been sexually abused as a child, but her triggers became more evident once they were living together.

Ed had a favorite TV police program he liked to watch where the characters in the program were regularly sexually abused as part of the story. 

He couldn't understand why Mary got so triggered whenever he watched the program when she was around. He felt annoyed when Mary said she needed to stop watching the program because she felt like she was about to have a panic attack.

Ed would tell Mary, "Why are you getting so upset? It's only a TV show." 

He also felt Mary was trying to control him whenever she left the room when that program was on, "You need to get over these triggers. Your abuse happened a long time ago. Why are you being so dramatic?'

At her wit's end, Mary invited Ed to attend one of her trauma therapy sessions so her therapist could help Ed to understand and empathize with Mary's trauma reactions.

Dealing With Your Partner's Trauma Triggers

Afterwards, Ed felt ashamed and guilty for his behavior. He told Mary that she was more important to him than any TV program and he wouldn't watch the program when she was around.

He also sought to understand what happened to Mary by asking her questions, which helped to increase his compassion for her.

Over time, Ed noticed that Mary was healing and he validated the hard work she was doing in trauma therapy.

Gradually, Ed's compassion and emotional support for Mary helped to bring them closer together.

Conclusion

A complacent response to a partner's trauma is damaging for the traumatized partner and the relationship.

Dealing With Your Partner's Trauma Triggers

Being compassionate and understanding can support your partner's healing journey.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist

As a Trauma Therapist, I have helped many individual adults and couples to heal from trauma.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: You Can't "Fix" Your Partner. Focus on Yourself Instead

Many people believe they can change partner into being the person they want them to be. They believe that love alone will change their partner into being the partner they want. But trying to "fix" your partner is usually doomed to failure if they don't want to change.

You Can't "Fix" Your Partner

Why You Can't Change Your Partner If They Don't Want to Change

• Change Must Be Internally Motivated: Your partner needs to have internal motivation to change for lasting change to occur. They might change temporarily to appease you, but for lasting change to occur, they need to be internally motivated.

• Deep-seated Behavior is Difficult to Change: Behavior which is rooted in the past isn't easily changed just because you want your partner to change.

• Your Pressure Can Create Resentment: You might think you can "fix" your partner, but your partner might resent you for it, which makes change even harder.

• Love Isn't a Motivator For Change: If you're telling your partner they would change if they loved you, you're not understanding how change occurs. They can't do it for you--no matter how much they love you. They need to want to do it for themself.

What Can You Do Instead of Pressuring Your Partner to Change?

• Change Your Own "Dance Steps": Instead of focusing on changing your partner, focus on changing yourself. The late Sue Johnson, Ph.D., who developed Emotion Focused Therapy (EFT) For Couples, talked about the "EFT Tango" as a metaphor for the dance that couples do as part of the structured interventions that couples do together. She advised clients to change their own "dance steps" regardless of what the other partner does. When you change your own "dance steps", you change the dynamic in your relationship. This opens up a space for your partner to change--if they want to change.

• Communicate Your Needs Clearly: Express your needs in a clear and vulnerable way. Expressing your needs is more effective than criticizing or nagging your partner.
• 
  
• Set Boundaries: Be clear on what you will and will not put up with, especially if your partner's behavior is hurtful to you (see my article: Setting Boundaries in Your Relationship).

• Offer Support; Instead of criticizing or pressuring, offer your support for whatever change your partner is willing to make. Offering encouragement is different from trying to force change.

• Manage Your Expectations: Once you accept that you can't change your partner's behavior, you might experience a reduction in your resentment. This doesn't mean you have to put up with hurtful behavior. Instead, it means that you realize your partner has to want to change and until they do, you can't "fix" them.

• Decide If the Relationship Is Right For You: If you find yourself constantly wanting your partner to change, this could be a sign that you and your partner have different values and the relationship isn't right for you. You have to decide whether your partner's behavior is a dealbreaker for you.

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette illustrates the dynamics mentioned above. As always, this vignette is a composite of many different cases to protect confidentiality:

Agnes and Bill:

Five years into their marriage, Agnes realized Bill's drinking had increased over time.  He would often come home from a stressful day of work and spend the night drinking.

You Can't "Fix" Your Partner

When Agnes complained to Bill, she felt he was giving her lip service to stop drinking, but he continued to get drunk every night. No amount of nagging and complaining stopped his behavior. She told him that if he loved her, he would change, but this didn't work either--even though she knew he loved her very much.

When she realized she couldn't change Bill, Agnes decided to get support in her own individual therapy. Over time, Agnes realized in therapy that she couldn't change Bill's behavior because he didn't want to stop drinking, so she worked on improving her own life. She began working out at the gym, seeing friends more often and developing new hobbies.

After a while, Bill felt increasingly lonely as he watched Agnes' life flourish. Since he wanted to save his marriage and his doctor told him that his drinking had increased his blood pressure problems, he considered cutting back on alcohol. But when he realized he couldn't cut back on his own, he sought help in his own therapy with a therapist who was knowledgeable about alcoholism.

Gradually, Bill learned new coping skills and strategies in his individual therapy and he was able to stop drinking. 

When they were both ready, Bill and Agnes began couples therapy to improve their relationship. They both learned new tools so they could have a more meaningful relationship.

Conclusion

You can't change your partner unless they are internally motivated to change.

Instead of focusing on trying to "fix" your partner, focus on yourself.

Individual therapy can help you to focus on yourself and, eventually, to decide whether you want to remain in your relationship.

Get Help in Therapy

Rather than focusing on "fixing" your partner, get help in individual therapy to work on yourself.

Get Help in Therapy

Individual therapy can help you to develop the tools and strategies you need to feel more confident and make major decisions.

If your partner is willing, you can both participate in couples therapy to work on your relationship. 

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work, Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

What's the Difference Between Emotional Co-regulation and Emotional Self Regulation?

People sometimes confuse the terms "emotional self regulation" and "emotional co-regulation" so I'm addressing the differences in this article.

Co-regulation vs Self Regulation

What's the Difference Between Co-regulation and Self Regulation?

When caregivers provide external support to their children, this is an example of emotional co-regulation, which is a foundational step for developing emotional self regulation.

Whereas co-regulation is the process in which one person helps another person to regulate their emotions, self regulation is the ability to manage your own thoughts, emotions and behaviors.

Both skills, co-regulation and self regulation, work together throughout life.

Let's break it down further:

Self Regulation

• Definition: The internal ability to control your own thoughts, emotions and behaviors without relying on others.

• Examples of Self Regulation:
• Doing breathing exercises on your own to calm down
• Managing frustration during an argument by going for a walk to calm down

• Goal: To respond to a situation thoughtfully instead of reacting impulsively

Co-regulation

• Definition: The process of two or more people working together to manage emotions and behaviors. This involves providing support, structure and warmth to help someone to calm down and learn coping skills.

• Examples: 
• A parent helping a child to calm down by speaking in a gentle tone and providing comforting hugs
• One romantic partner helping another to calm down by listening in an attuned way, holding their hand and gently helping them to take relaxing breaths

• Goal: To help someone to feel safe and understood which, in turn, builds their capacity for self regulation

• Relationship Between Self Regulation and Co-regulation: Co-regulation is an essential step in helping someone to self regulate. A caregiver or partner's ability to self regulate is necessary in order for them to help co-regulate others. 

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette illustrates the relationship between self regulation and co-regulation and how psychotherapy can help. As always, this vignette is a composite of many different cases to protect confidentiality:

Paul:

Paul was a latchkey kid. Both of his parents worked two jobs each so they weren't around when he came home from elementary school. 

There were times when he was at home alone that he thought he heard noises in the house and he was so scared he hid under his blanket until his parents came home. 

He knew his next door neighbors were at home, but his parents told him to never let them know he was home alone because they might call the child welfare bureau and then he would  be taken him away from his parents due to childhood neglect.

His parents explained to him they didn't want to leave him alone in the house, but they both needed to work and there were no other relatives to take care of him. They also couldn't afford childcare, so he would hide in fear until his parents came home.

Since Paul grew up being alone much of the time, he was often without his parents' emotional support, so he didn't learn how to manage his emotions.

His teacher told his parents that Paul had a difficult time calming himself down in school when he was upet. She suspected his parents weren't helping Paul to manage his emotions so she encouraged them to help him--although she didn't know they were often away from home.

By the time he went away to college, he was so anxious he was having panic attacks.  A college counselor referred him to a psychotherapist for help. 

His therapist used her co-regulate skills to help Paul. She also taught him self regulation skills by teaching him breathing exercises and other coping strategies. 

Eventually, he learned to regulate his emotions on his own.

After he graduated college, the skills he learned in therapy helped Paul to self regulate and co-regulate emotions with his new girlfriend, Sara.

Conclusion

Young children usually learn to co-regulate with their parents so they can develop self regulation skills as they get older.  However, there are times when children don't learn these skills because their parents are not around or the parents never learned to regulate their own emotions when they were growing. up so they can't help their children to develop skills they don't have.

Fortunately, people who didn't learn to regulate their emotions have an opportunity to learn as adults in psychotherapy.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and a Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

As a Trauma Therapist, I have helped many clients to overcome trauma and manage their emotions so they can lead a more fulfilling life.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

What is Emotional Regulation in a Relationship?

Managing Your Emotions During Stressful Times

Emotional Regulation: What is the Difference Between Being Calm and Being Numb?