Dating and Relationships: How to Stop Being Someone's Backup Plan (AKA: A Second Choice)

By Josephine Ferraro, LCSW — Licensed NYC Psychotherapist
Updated on October 7, 2026

Being treated as a relationship backup plan occurs when a partner keeps you around as a secondary option while prioritizing someone else. While unrequited feelings are a common part of the dating app experience, establishing a repetitive pattern of being a second choice signals a need to break unhealthy relationship cycles.

An emotionally lopsided dating dynamic can leave you anxiously waiting on the backburner. — Josephine Ferraro, LCSW, NYC Psychotherapist in Greenwich Village.

As a licensed New York City psychotherapist, one of my specialties helping clients to improve their relationship patterns. 

I frequently see how adjusting your dating habits and raising your baseline boundaries allows you to pivot from being a convenient option to a true priority.

7 Warning Signs You Are Someone's Second Choice in Dating

Recognizing a lopsided dynamic is the first step in reclaiming your sense of self-worth. 

Here are the most common signs that you might be sitting on someone's backburner:

1. It is Difficult to Get Their Attention

If someone shows little interest in you when you first start dating, they might not see you as their top choice because they are hoping to be with someone else. Perhaps the person they truly desire is in another relationship, and they are simply waiting for them to become available. Alternatively, they may be seeing you "for now" until someone they consider a better match comes along.

During this time, they might string you along by breadcrumbing you—giving you just enough attention to keep you interested without committing (for more on this dynamic, read my article: A Vignette About Breadcrumbing).

2. You Initiate Most of the Contact and Relationship Effort

When you are a secondary option, communication is rarely equal. They might text you sporadically with superficial, vague messages. Even though they claim they want to see you, it is incredibly difficult to pin them down to specific plans. They might make vague references to being busy, leaving you entirely in the dark about their life. If they make little to no effort to move the relationship forward, and all the emotional labor falls on you, you are likely not a priority.

3. They Cancel Plans at the Last Minute

Frequent cancellations are a major red flag. If their explanations are consistently vague—such as "I'm too busy" or "something came up"—it often means a more preferred option became available. Whatever the excuse, consistent cancellations prove they are not prioritizing your time.

4. They Only See You at Their Convenience

When you do spend time together, it is entirely on their terms. These dates often look like last-minute invitations or structural afterthoughts. They rarely take your schedule into consideration, and if you cannot make it, they don't seem disappointed or eager to reschedule.

5. They Refuse to Use Relationship Labels

When you try to discuss where the relationship stands, they claim they "don't like labels." You might hear phrases like, "Why do we have to put a label on this?" or "Why don't we just see where this goes?" Deep down, you likely sense the relationship isn't progressing because they are intentionally stringing you along while keeping their options open.

6. You Walk on Eggshells Out of Fear They Will Leave

You can see the unfair dynamic clearly, but you are afraid to point it out. You stay quiet because you worry that calling out their behavior will cause them to leave entirely. By silently hoping you will magically become their priority, you slowly compromise your own self-worth.

7. You Haven't Met Their Friends or Family

If you have been dating for a significant amount of time and are still completely isolated from their inner circle, you are likely a backup plan. They purposely avoid introducing you to friends or family because they don't view the dynamic as long-term.

How to Stop Being a Backup Plan and Reclaim Your Value

Breaking out of an unhealthy relationship cycle requires a conscious shift in mindset and behavior. Use these steps to transition from being an option to becoming a priority:

• Develop Deep Self-Awareness: Admitting you are a second choice to someone you love is incredibly painful, but you owe it to yourself to see the reality of the situation. If you are struggling to see it clearly, talk it over with a trusted, objective friend.
• Identify Why You Accept Less Than You Deserve: It's one thing for someone to treat you poorly; it is another for you to tolerate it. Reflect on whether this willingness to stay stems from your family history, childhood dynamics, or past relationship trauma. Are you staying simply because you fear you won't find anyone else?
• Directly Call Out the Behavior: If they are doing the bare minimum to keep you on the hook, you must address this manipulative behavior directly. When fear of losing them holds you back, ask yourself honestly: What am I actually losing?
• Reflect on Your Recurring Dating Choices: Finding yourself in this scenario repeatedly usually points to an unconscious pattern. Recognizing these cycles is the key to choosing different partners moving forward (for deeper insight, see my article: Falling in Love With "Mr. Wrong" Over and Over Again).
• Enforce Rigid Relationship Boundaries: If you are genuinely content with a casual, occasional dynamic, being a second choice might not hurt. But if you want a committed relationship, you must respect your own needs. Make it clear that you will not wait around, and walk away if they continue to treat you as a secondary option.

When to Seek Professional Support

While recognizing these toxic cycles is an important first step, breaking free from deeply ingrained behavioral patterns on your own can be incredibly difficult.

If you find yourself repeatedly falling into the backup plan trap, working with a licensed mental health professional can help. 

In my practice, I utilize evidence-based modalities to help individuals identify the root causes of their relationship choices and build the secure boundaries needed for lasting love.

Frequently Asked Questions About Relationship Backup Plans

What does it mean to be someone's backup plan?
Being a backup plan means a dating partner keeps you in their life as a secondary, convenient option while they actively pursue or hope to be with someone else. They give you just enough attention to keep you interested, but never make you their top priority.

How do you tell if you are a second choice or just taking things slow?

Taking things slow involves consistent communication, mutual effort, and respect for boundaries from both partners. Being a second choice, however, is defined by last-minute plans, vague communication, breadcrumbing, and a distinct feeling that you are only wanted when it is convenient for them.

How do you walk away from being a second choice?

To walk away, you must clearly state your needs and match your actions to your boundaries. Let the person know you are looking for a committed relationship, stop initiating contact, and completely remove yourself from the dynamic if they fail to step up. 

About Josephine Ferraro, LCSW

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, Trauma Specialist, Emotionally Focused Therapist For Couples and Certified Sex Therapist based in Greenwich Village, Manhattan. 

I have over 25 years of experience working with individual adults and couples.

I also provide mind-body oriented experiential therapy including:

• IFS Therapy
• Attachment-Focused EMDR Therapy
• AEDP
• Somatic Experiencing
• Clinical Hypnosis (Hypnotherapy)

I offer therapy in person in my NYC office and online via telehealth throughout New York State.

I provide a free 15-minute phone call before setting up an appointment.

• Office Location: Greenwich Village, New York City 10011 (Available for in-person and online sessions)
• Phone: (917) 742-2624 (during business hours)
• Visit My Website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist
• Email: josephineferraro@iCloud.com
  
  
  

What Are the Unspoken Expectations Between Some Mothers and Adult Daughters?

The lifelong relationship between mothers and adult daughters can be incredibly complex (to review this foundation, check out my previous guides on mother-daughter relationship dynamics linked at the end of this article).

Unspoken expectations between mothers and adult daughters can create silent friction, but transitioning to an adult-to-adult dynamic can restore emotional safety and connection.

Unspoken expectations are the silent, unwritten "rules" that dictate daily behavior. When one or both individuals feel these unspoken rules have been broken, it creates deep emotional friction, guilt, and long-standing resentment. Understanding these silent scripts is the first step toward building a healthier connection.

THE MOST COMMON UNSPOKEN RULES IN MOTHER-DAUGHTER RELATIONSHIPS

Many modern families run on automatic scripts that create chronic friction. Most of these hidden dynamics fall under three major behavioral categories:

THE EXPECTATION OF A SHARED IDENTITY

• Operating as an emotional mirror. A mother may implicitly expect her grown daughter to completely mirror her core morals, life paths, and choices. Conversely, the adult daughter may expect her mother to validate her every emotional response.
• The mind-reading rule. Both parties frequently assume that because they share a genetic and historical bond, they should automatically guess the other’s psychological needs without explicit, open communication.
• The "Am I You?" trap. A mother may silently expect her daughter to live out the personal dreams she never achieved herself, viewing any deviation from her path as a direct personal rejection.

THE OBLIGATION OF PERPETUAL AVAILABILITY

• Resenting the shifting priority line. A mother may expect to remain her adult daughter’s primary confidante, leading to silent resentment toward the daughter’s spouse, partner, or close friends who have stepped into that primary support role.
• The automatic caregiver default. Families often assume a mother will default into a full-time babysitter for grandchildren, causing secret resentment if she prefers to spend her retirement traveling. Conversely, if a daughter hires outside childcare, a mother may feel rejected. This expectation also flips as the mother ages, leaving daughters drowning in immense guilt if they cannot act as full-time physical caretakers.
• The absolute open-door policy. Both parties often assume standard relationship boundaries do not apply to them, leading to unannounced drop-in visits without checking if it is a convenient time.

THE BURDEN OF COMPULSORY PERFECTION

• Demanding a flawless history. Adult daughters often demand their mothers be perfectly rational and completely healed, forgetting that mothers are flawed human beings with their own unresolved childhood trauma. At the same time, a mother may minimize past hurts by assuming a daughter's childhood trauma automatically healed simply because "it happened a long time ago."
• Chasing unconditional approval. Daughters often silently crave total validation for their career, lifestyle, or parenting choices, while mothers expect their parental advice to be integrated without question.
• Enforcing legacy preservation. A mother may expect an adult daughter to preserve exact holiday traditions and family communication styles from childhood, treating a daughter's new independent family choices as a source of sadness and anger.

HOW TO BREAK UNHELPFUL MOTHER-DAUGHTER ATTACHMENT PATTERNS

Shifting from an automatic emotional reaction to deliberate, intentional communication is necessary to move a mother-child dynamic into a mature, adult-to-adult relationship.

STEP 1: IDENTIFY THE "TRIGGER AND TREND"

• Explicitly name the unwritten rule. Pinpoint the exact hidden behavior (e.g., "My mother expects me to call every single morning at 9:00 AM, and if I don't, she assumes there is a conflict between us").
• Track your immediate physical sensations. Notice exactly when you experience sudden spikes of guilt, anger, or stomach tension. These physical sensations are a reliable internal indicator of a personal boundary violation.
• Consciously separate love from compliance. Actively remind your nervous system that disagreeing with a family member's lifestyle or setting a hard limit does not mean you love them less.

STEP 2: TRANSITION FROM UNSPOKEN TO SPOKEN

• Utilize non-defensive "I" statements. Keep the focus entirely on your personal emotional experience rather than aggressively blaming the other person's behavior.
• Call out the silent script gently. Make a calm, neutral observation: "I've noticed that when I don't call every day, you worry that something is wrong between us."
• Validate the good intention first. Reassure the presence of love before shifting the boundary. For instance, if receiving unsolicited parenting advice, you can say: "I know you're sharing this advice because you love the kids, but I need to figure out this parenting routine myself."

STEP 3: ESTABLISH PREDICTABLE BEHAVIORAL BOUNDARIES

• Define clear communication patterns. Replace erratic, stressful tracking with structured predictability: "Let's plan to catch up every Wednesday evening for a phone call."
• Set firm topic boundaries. Explicitly note what subjects are off-limits if they consistently yield toxic conflict: "I love you, but I'm not willing to discuss my personal finances with you anymore."
• Enforce the boundary consistently. If the off-limits topic is raised, deliver a polite reminder: "We agreed not to discuss this subject. I'm going to hang up our call now, and we can talk again next Wednesday."

STEP 4: COMMIT TO PSYCHOLOGICAL DIFFERENTIATION

• Practice intentional de-enmeshment. Accept that you are two separate individuals with entirely distinct minds, values, and emotional lives. (To understand how to unravel this, see my article at the end of this article about enmeshed families).
• Allow them to experience disappointment. You are not responsible for managing or fixing their emotional discomfort when you choose to express an independent choice.
• Release the need for constant validation. Stop seeking parental approval for choices you have already executed. State your life decisions as absolute facts rather than proposals up for family debate.

STEP 5: SHIFT FROM REACTING TO RESPONDING

• Take a physical time-out. Do not instantly fire back at an angry text or call. Wait 20 minutes to calm your nervous system so you can respond intentionally rather than reacting defensively. (Learn more about building this skill by reading my guide on responding instead of reacting).
• Keep simple deflection phrases ready. Diffuse arguments using neutral, closing statements like: "That's an interesting perspective," or "We just see things differently, and that's okay."

CLINICAL VIGNETTE: JANET AND ANN

The following clinical composite represents common mother-daughter dynamics processed in my practice, altering all identifying information to preserve privacy.

When Janet brought home her boyfriend, Tom, to meet her mother, Ann, Janet could tell immediately that Ann did not approve of him. Ann had raised Janet in a strict, traditional home and explicitly expected that Janet would maintain those identical cultural and lifestyle traditions into adulthood. When Janet was in her early 20s, she let her mother know that she was choosing a different, independent path for her personal life.

Ann interpreted this departure as a wounding personal rejection, frequently using guilt, passive-aggressive critiques, and unannounced visits to assert control. Janet, trapped in an anxiety loop, initially alternated between explosive anger and deep compliance guilt.

Through psychotherapy, Janet learned to view Ann not as an all-powerful authority figure, but as a separate, flawed individual carrying her own fears of abandonment. By shifting her internal perspective, naming the unspoken rules, and holding loving but firm behavioral boundaries, Janet broke the enmeshment cycle. She stopped seeking Ann's validation for her relationship with Tom, which ultimately transformed their dynamic into a respectful, adult-to-adult connection.

SCHEDULE A RELATIONSHIP CONSULTATION IN GREENWICH VILLAGE, NYC

ABOUT JOSEPHINE FERRARO, LCSW
I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, trauma specialist, and Certified Sex Therapist with over 25 years of experience helping adults and couples navigate complex family systems. 

I have advanced skills in EMDR, AEDP, IFS, Somatic Experiencing, Hypnotherapy, EFT Couples Therapy and Sex Therapy offering specialized support in Manhattan and online throughout NYS to heal generational wounds and build secure boundaries.

I offer a free 15 minute phone call before setting up an appointment.

I see clients in my office in Greenwich Village, NYC 10011 and online throughout NYS.

• Website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist
• Phone: (917) 742-2624 (Available during business hours)
• Email: josephineferraro@iCloud.com
• Office Location: Greenwich Village, NYC 10011

EXPLORE MORE MOTHER-DAUGHTER RESOURCES:

• Healing Mother-Daughter Relationships

• Ambivalence and Codependency in Mother-Daughter Relationships

• Mother-Daughter Relationships Over the Course of a Lifetime

• Role Reversal in Mother Daughter Relationships

• Looking at Your Childhood Trauma From an Adult Perspective
  
• Understanding Family Enmeshment Patterns
  
• How to Set Boundaries with Family Members