What Are the Unspoken Expectations Between Some Mothers and Adult Daughters?

The relationship between some mothers and daughters can be complex (see the links for previous articles on mothers and daughters at the end of this article).

Expectatons Between Mothers and Adult Daughters

What Are the Unspoken Expectations Between Some Mothers and Adult Daughters?

Unspoken expectations between mothers and adult daughters are silent "rules" that create deep emotional friction when one or both them think these rules have been broken.

Here are some of the most common unspoken expectations that dictate many mother-daughter relationships:

The Expectation of a Shared Identity

• The Emotional Mirror: While many mothers expect their adult daughters to mirror their core values, life choices and morals, many adult daughters expect their mothers to validate every feeling they have.

• The Mind-Reading Rule: Many mothers and adult daughters assume that just because they share a genetic and historical bond, they should automatically know what the other needs without explicit communication.

Expectations Between Mothers and Adult Daughters

• The "Am I You?" Trap: Some mothers expect their adult daughters to live out the dreams the mothers never achieved. They might view a different path as being a personal rejection.

The Obligation of Availability

• The Priority Shift: Many mothers expect that they will continue to be their adult daughter's main confidante. This can lead to resentment for the daughter's partner, spouse and friends who become the daughter's emotional support.

• The Caregiver Default: There is often an unspoken assumption that the mother will be the babysitter for the adult daughter's children. This can cause resentment if the mother has other ways she might want to spend her time. Conversely, a mother might assume she will take care of the daughter's children and become hurt and disappointed when the daughter chooses to hire a nanny instead. In addition, there might be an unspoken assumption by the mother that her daughter will be her physical caretaker as the mother ages. This can cause the mother to feel resentful if the daughter either can't or won't take care of her and the daughter might feel guilty--even if she knows she can't do it.

• The Open Door Policy: There might be an unspoken expectation by both mothers and adult daughters that boundaries don't apply between them so that there can be visits without calling ahead to see if it's convenient.

The Burden of Perfection

• The Flawless History: Adult daughters often expect their mothers to be completely healed, rational and "perfect". They might forget that their mothers can be flawed individuals with their own history of unresolved trauma. Mothers, in turn, might expect that their adult daughter's childhood history became automatically healed because the trauma occurred when the daughter was a child. They think "it happened a long time ago" so their daughter shouldn't still be affected by the trauma.

• The Unconditional Approval: Adult daughters might silently expected unconditional approval for their lifestyle, career or parenting choices. At the same time, mothers might expected their advice to be accepted without question.

Expectations Between Mothers and Adult Daughters

• The Legacy Preservation: Mothers might expect adult daughters to maintain specific family traditions, holidays and ways of communicating exactly as they had been when their daughter was growing up. When a daughter makes decisions about what she wants, which might be different from what the mother wants, the mother might feel sad and resentful. In addition, adult daughters might expect that their mothers will always remain the same and they might become disappointed if mothers want to make changes.

How Can Mothers and Adult Daughters Break These Patterns?

Breaking unspoken expectations requires shifting from an automatic emotional reaction to intentional communication.

This process involves shifting from a mother-child interaction to an adult-to-adult relationship.

Here are some guidelines that might be helpful in making this shift:

Identify the "Trigger and Trend"

Before speaking to each other, identify the patterns between you to understand exactly what is happening:

• Name the Unspoken Rule: Pinpoint the exact expectation (e.g., "Mother expects me to call her every day at the same time and, if I don't, she thinks there's something wrong between us).

Expectations Between Mothers and Adult Daughters

• Notice Your Physical Reaction: Pay attention to when you feel guilty, angry or resentful and notice the physical sensation in your body. Physical reactions about these types of issues often indicate a boundary violation.

• Separate Love From Compliance: Remind yourself that disagreeing with a choice or setting a boundary with a family member doesn't mean you love them less.

Transition From Unspoken to Spoken

Bring the hidden expectations into the light using neutral, non-accusatory language.

• Use "I" Statements: Focus on your experience rather than blaming the other person's behavior.

• Call Out the Silent Expectation Gently: Instead of blaming and accusing, you can make an observation. For instance, you could say something like, "I've noticed that when I don't call you every day, you think there's something wrong between us."

• Acknowledge the Good Intention: Validate the love behind the behavior before shifting it. For instance, if your mother gives unsolicited parental advice which you don't agree with, you can say something like, "I know you're offering this advice because you love the kids, but I need to figure this out myself."

Establish Clear Behavioral Boundaries

Replace the unspoken rules with a clear, predictable boundary so both of you know what to expect.

• Define Communication Patterns: Instead of waiting for a stressful, angry call from the other person, set a predictable pattern: "Let's get caught up with each other with a phone call every Wednesday night" (or however you want to structure it).

• Set Topic Boundaries: Decide what is "off limits" if certain topics create conflict. For example, you can say something like, "I love you, but I'm not willing to talk to you about my finances."

• Keep the Boundaries: Old habits are often hard to change. If the "off limits" topic comes up, politely remind the other person about the agreement. For instance, you can say, "We agreed not to talk about this" and if the other person persists, you can say, "I'm going ot hang up now. We can talk next Wednesday."

Practice De-Enmeshment (Differentiation)

De-enmeshment is a psychological process of accepting that you are two separate individuals with different minds, feelings, values and lives (see my article: Enmeshed Families).

• Allow Them to Be Disappointed: You cannot control their emotional reaction to your boundary setting. Allow them to sit with their discomfort without trying to 'fix" it.

• Let Go of the Need For Approval: Stop asking for validation for choices you have already made. If you decide to tell them about your decisions, state these decisions as facts rather than a proposal for their approval.

• View Them as a Peer: Remind yourself that your mother is a flawed human being (just as we all are) and that she had a life before you. If you're a mother, remind yourself that your daughter is a grown adult who. must make her own decisions and deal with any mistakes.

Shift From Reacting to Responding

When old patterns come up, pause before you fall back on old patterns.

• Take a Time-Out: Do not respond immediately to an angry text or phone call. Wait 20 minutes to cool down and respond instead of reacting (see my article: Responding Instead of Reacting).

• Use Deflection: Keep a few phrases handy for when boundaries are pushed. This might involve saying something like, "That's an interesting perspective" or "We just see things differently and that's okay."

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette is a composite of many different cases:

Janet and Ann

When Janet brought home her boyfriend, Tom, to meet her mother, Ann, Janet could tell immediately that Ann didn't approve of him.

Ann raised Janet in a strict Christian home and she expected that Janet would maintain the same religious traditions. When Janet was in her early 20s, she let her mother know that she no longer believed in these strict traditions and religion was no longer important to her.  Although Ann was very disappointed, she thought that she could convince Janet to change her mind. 

Problems Between Mothers and Adult Daughters

When Ann asked Tom about his religion, initially, he was surprised by this intrusive question, but he maintained his composure and told her that he didn't follow any religion. This disturbed Ann, who later told Janet that she believed Tom was "influencing her in the wrong direction."

Janet bristled at this comment and reminded her mother that she had made up her mind about religion long before she met Tom and she didn't want Janet to blame him.

After a few heated arguments, Janet told her mother that she loved her, but this was a topic that was "off limits" between them.

Janet had always struggled to set limits with her mother without feeling guilty. She knew she and her mother were enmeshed and she began therapy to work on this.

Gradually, Janet learned to maintain boundaries that she set with her mother. It wasn't easy at first because she felt guilty about it. But after a while, she felt more entitled to be her own person and to remind her mother that they were two different individuals.

Initially, Ann struggled with Janet's boundary setting. She felt she knew what was best for her adult daughter and she wanted to spare Janet from making mistakes she would regret. But, over time, she realized that if she wanted to maintain a healthy relationship with her daughter, she needed to respect her daughter's boundaries.

Conclusion

The vignette in this article is about how a mother has problems with her adult daughter's boundaries but, as I mentioned earlier, the problem is just as likely to be an adult daughter who doesn't respect a mother's boundaries.

Although this article focuses on mother and daughters, there can be similar dynamics between mothers and sons, fathers and sons and fathers and daughters.

Get Help in Therapy

If you are having problems working out issues on your own, you could benefit from working together in mother-daughter therapy.

Get Help in Mother-Daughter Therapy

You might also need to work on issues individually either as a preliminary step before you participate in mother-daughter or even if you never attend this therapy with your relative.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional so you can free yourself from old habitual patterns and you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, IFS/Parts Work Therapist, Somatic Experiencing, EFT Couples Therapist and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have helped many individuals, couples and mothers and daughters over the years.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

I offer a free 10-15 minute phone call before setting up an appointment either in person or online.

You can reach me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

Ambivalence and Codependence Between Mothers and Adult Daughters

Mother-Daughter Relationships: Early Bonding 

Life Stages in Mother-Daughter Relationships 

Healing Adult Mother-Daughter Relationships 

 

Setting Boundaries: How to Stop Being Enmeshed With Your Family

I began a discussion about enmeshment in an earlier article, Overcoming Shame in an Enmeshed Family.

Overcoming Enmeshment in Your Family

Topics in the Current Article

In the current article, I'm covering:

• What is Enmeshment?
• What Causes Enmeshment in Families?
• How to Overcome Enmeshment
• Getting Help in Therapy to Overcome Enmeshment

What is Enmeshment?

If you grew up in an enmeshed family you probably had at least some of the following issues:

• There was a lack of physical and emotional boundaries.

• There was a tendency to focus on what's best for other family members and not what's best for you.

• You put other family members' happiness above your own.

Overcoming Enmeshment in Your Family

• You feel guilt and shame, as an adult, if you put your needs above other family members. For instance,  you might not want to call your mother every week, but you feel guilty and ashamed if you don't because you know she wants you to call weekly.

• Your family's self worth is dependent upon your success.

• Your family expects you to share everything about your life--even things you might want to keep private. They get offended if you say something in your life is private.

• Your family might have imposed their ideas on you when you were a young adult instead of encouraging you to follow your own hopes and dreams. If you wanted to follow your own aspirations, they felt offended and you felt guilty and ashamed.

• Parents in enmeshed families tend to treat their children like friends instead of children because there is a lack of boundaries.

• You tend to avoid conflicts, even now as an adult, because you have difficulty setting limits.

• You lack a strong sense of who you are.

• You absorb other people's emotions around you because you lack appropriate boundaries (this is different from being an empath).

What Causes Enmeshment in Families?

Enmeshment usually develops in dysfunctional families and repeats the pattern from one generation to the next (see my article: 

Overcoming Enmeshment in Your Family

It can be difficult to pinpoint when an enmeshed family dynamic started since it might go back generations and family members often have little to no awareness about the enmeshment.

Enmeshment often develops due to unresolved trauma, mental health problems, substance abuse, compulsive gambling or other related issues.

What is the Impact of Enmeshment in Adult Relationships?

The following characteristics are common for adults who grew up in enmeshed families?

• Low self esteem
  

• Anxiety
  

• Fear of abandonment
  

• Being out of touch with your feelings

• Feeling burdened by guilt and shame

Overcoming Enmeshment in Your Family

• An overdeveloped sense of responsibility

• Poor personal boundaries

• Difficulty setting boundaries with others

• Codependency
  

• Difficulty with assertiveness

• Difficulty with emotional regulation 

• Difficulty calming or soothing yourself emotionally

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many cases, illustrates the negative impact of enmeshed family dynamics and how psychotherapy can help:

Maria

Maria grew up in crowded family home where she shared a bed with her two older sisters. She had no privacy. 

When Maria was 15 years old, her oldest sister found Maria's diary, she read it to their parents, grandparents and siblings and they laughed at what Maria wrote about feeling sad.

Her parents and grandparents invalidated her feelings and told her she had nothing to feel sad about since she had a roof over her head, food and clothing.  They told her that only someone who had something terrible to hide from the family would even want to write in a diary.  Then, her father tore up her diary and threw it in the garbage. He told her she should be ashamed of herself for what she wrote.

When she turned 16 years old, Maria's maternal uncle, who came to live with her family, began touching her inappropriately when no one was around. He told her that he would hurt her sisters if she told anyone about the sexual abuse (see my article: Overcoming the Trauma of Sexual Abuse).

One day her mother happened to come home early and she found her brother touching Maria's breasts. She threw her brother out of the house and she also blamed Maria for the sexual abuse.  

She told Maria it was her fault that the uncle touched her inappropriately. Then, she made Maria promise not to tell Maria's father because she feared what he might do to the uncle if he found out.

When it was time for Maria to choose a major in college, her parents insisted that she become a teacher--even though Maria wanted to become a medical doctor. Her parents told her that women shouldn't become doctors because they would have to see men's naked bodies and this was shameful for a woman.

Maria was upset that her parents were trying to force her to choose a career she didn't want so she sought help from a professor who referred her to the college counseling center.  

In counseling, Maria learned to set boundaries with her family--even though they didn't like it and they threatened to stop paying her tuition.

Overcoming Enmeshment in Your Family

Her counselor helped Maria to get a scholarship and a room in a dorm so she could live independently from her family.  She took pre-med courses and, eventually, she went to medical school.

While she was in medical school, she sought help from a trauma therapist so she could deal with the impact of her enmeshed family, including the sexual abuse.

Even though her family didn't like that Maria was making her own decisions and setting boundaries with them, they accepted it reluctantly.  

While she was in medical school, Maria met her husband-to-be and she learned to have a healthy relationship with him with the tools she learned in therapy.

How to Overcome Enmeshment

To become a mature adult, children need to learn to become their own person at stages that are appropriate for their development at the time.  This is part of the individuation process.

Individuation means being your own person and not just an extension of your parents and other family members.

When you are appropriately individuated from your family, you can maintain your relationships with them with appropriate boundaries. You also learn how to be your own person physically, emotionally and psychologically.

To overcome enmeshment, you need to learn to:

• Set appropriate boundaries with family members (see my article: How to Set Boundaries Without Guilt).

• Discover who you are as an individual apart from your family.

• Learn to stop feeling ashamed and guilty if what's right for you might make your family unhappy.

• Get help in therapy when trying to overcome enmeshment becomes too challenging.

Getting Help in Therapy

Overcoming enmeshment can be challenging.

Getting Help in Therapy

A licensed mental health professional with the right expertise can help you to develop the skills you need to overcome enmeshment and develop healthier relationships.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a skilled psychotherapist so you can lead a more meaningful life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapy.

As a trauma therapist, I have helped many individual adults and couples to overcome trauma, including enmeshed relationships.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.