The Power of Humor and Laughter in Relationships

Many people identify a sense of humor as an important trait they seek in partners when they're dating.  

The Power of Humor and Laughter in Relationships

People often include a sense of humor as one of their attributes as well as an attribute they're seeking in a potential partner in their dating profile (see my article: Why is a Good Sense of Humor So Attractive in a Partner?).

The Power of Humor and Laughter in Relationships

Humor and laughter play a powerful role in long term relationships (see my article: The Benefits of Laughter For Your Health and Mental Health) including:

• Strengthening the Bond in a Relationship: Shared humor and laughter can increase closeness and connectedness to strengthen the bond in a relationship.

• Improving Communication: When two people can laugh together, they often overcome barriers to communication. Humor can help a couple to talk about difficult topics when humor is used in an appropriate way.

The Power of Humor and Laughter in Relationships

• Reducing Stress: Laughter increases endorphins which improves mood and reduces stress.

• Building Resilience: Laughter can have a positive impact on a person's overall sense of well-being. It can also help a couple to build resilience in their relationship.

How to Increase Laughter in Your Relationship

Stress and anxiety can make it difficult to find humor in everyday situations, especially if a couple is trying to balance family and work obligations (see my article: Balancing Your Personal Life and Your Career).

Even when you're going through stressful times, you can take steps to create an opening for humor:

• Gentle Teasing: Well-time light hearted teasing can help you and your partner to relax, laugh and enjoy each other's company.

• Playfulness and Flirting: When you flirt with your partner in playful ways, you can enjoy each other's company and even improve your sex life (see my articles: What is Rec-Relational Sex? and Try a Little Playfulness in Your Relationship).

The Power of Humor and Laughter in Relationships

• Silliness: You and your partner can share silly moments, including telling jokes or funny stories, to add humor to your relationship.

• Remember Funny Moments Together: When you and your partner recall fun times together, you're sharing moments in your life that felt good for both of you. This can strengthen the bonds between you.

• Play Fun Games Together: Taking the time together to play fun games together can help you both to laugh, relax and enjoy each other's company.

Getting Help in Therapy

A lack of humor and playfulness is often a sign of relational problems for couples.

If you and your partner have problems you have been unable to resolve on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who works with couples.

        See my article: What is Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples (EFT)

A skilled couples therapist can help you to overcome problems so you can have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: Coping With a Passive Partner

Coping with a passive partner can be very frustrating. 

When you ask them what they want to do when it comes to making decisions, you might get a response like, "Whatever you want to do" or "I don't know. It doesn't matter to me."

Coping With a Passive Partner

You're Carrying the Mental Load When It Comes to Making Decisions

Not only is it frustrating to get passive responses from your partner, but it also places you in the position of carrying the mental load for decision-making, which can be exhausting (see my article: Sharing the Mental Load in Your Relationship).

Passivity is Often Centered Around Anxiety That Originated in Your Partner's Childhood

Your partner might not realize it, but their passivity is probably part of a maladaptive coping strategy they learned unconsciously in childhood (see my article: Maladaptive Coping Strategies: Passive Behavior).

Coping With a Passive Partner

When stress goes up, your partner's anxiety and passive response get activated. This is often a learned response from seeing one or both parents respond to stress with passivity. 

Children, who grow up to be passive adults, often learn to stay under the radar by being passive, especially if they had siblings who responded to family stress by being vocal or acting out. 

If your partner witnessed the negative consequences to their sibling, your partner learned to be passive so they wouldn't suffer the same consequences.

Passivity and Low Self Esteem From Childhood

Your partner might have developed low self esteem in childhood from subtle or not-so-subtle messages they received.

For instance, it's possible that when they needed emotional support as a child, one or both parents, who might have been emotionally avoidant, might have criticized them ("Stop acting like a baby!" or "Don't bother me. Figure it out yourself").

When a child gets a negative response when they want emotional support, they usually don't think there's anything wrong with their parent--they believe their parents are right. 

The child comes away feeling, "I'm not good enough" or "I'm unlovable".  

They learn to appease their parents by not complaining and fawning as part of a trauma response.

These feelings of being unworthy carry over into adulthood including adult relationships. This can result in not trusting their own judgment so they either defer to you or find another way to avoid dealing with whatever decision needs to be made.

Another common childhood problem is that their parents might not have been capable of managing their own emotions so your partner, as a child, might have over-functioned for the  parents through a role reversal where the they took care of the parents.

Perfectionism Related to Childhood Experiences

Another way that a passive partner might cope with anxiety is to resort to perfectionism (see my article: Overcoming Perfectionism).

This usually involves all or nothing thinking. When they think they can't do it perfectly, they avoid the situation or leave it for you to handle.

Problems Expressing Emotions

Since your partner might not have learned to identify their feelings as a child because they deferred to a parent, they probably have problems identifying and expressing emotions now, especially so-called negative emotions, like anger or sadness, because they haven't developed emotional intelligence (EQ).

This means they can't assert themselves because they don't know what they feel and, even if they do, they're afraid to be vulnerable enough to express it.

Problems With Change

There might be many reasons why your partner might have problems with change. 

It's possible that their parents didn't cope well with change so your partner never saw this coping skill modeled for them.

Since change is an inevitable part of life, your partner probably struggles with transitions.  Rather than face the change in an assertive way, your partner might sink into passivity, which leaves you to deal with the change.

Problems Initiating Sex

If your partner's lack of confidence includes lack of sexual confidence, they might have problems initiating sex (see my article: How Unresolved Trauma Affects Adult Relationships).

This can make you feel your partner doesn't love you or doesn't find you sexually appealing. But their lack of initiation might not mean this at all. It might have nothing to do with you--it might have more to do with how your partner feels about him or herself.

If you're the one who is usually initiating sex, you might be fed up. 

This often results in no sex--possibly for long periods of time--because you and your partner might both be avoid dealing with sex (see my article: How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex).

If this has happened in your relationship and talking about it hasn't helped, you and your partner could benefit from seeking help in sex therapy (see my article: What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

How to Cope With a Passive Partner

• Ask Your Partner to Be in Charge of a Particular Task: Rather than taking on all the decision-making responsibilities, ask your partner to be in charge of a relatively easy task to begin with so your partner is more likely to experience success with it. If your partner does it, don't try to manage it or criticize your partner's efforts.

• Talk to Your Partner About Upcoming Changes in Advance: If your partner has problems with change, try to provide advanced notice if you can. For instance, if you know there's an upcoming event you both need to attend, tell your partner in advance of the event instead of bringing it up at the last minute. This might not always be possible because change can occur without warning, but if you know in advance, tell your partner so your partner has time to adjust.

• Encourage Your Partner to Express So-Called Negative Emotions: Since your partner might have had their feelings squelched as a child, encourage your partner to express so-called negative emotions to you so they might feel safer doing it. Whether your partner feels sad, angry, frustrated, impatient or whatever they might feel, be supportive as long as they express their emotions in a healthy and appropriate way. When they do express these feelings, give them positive feedback.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

If you and your partner haven't been able to resolve problems on your own, seek help in couples therapy.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

Rather than struggling on your own and continuing to get stuck in the same negative cycle, get help from a skilled couples therapy so you can have a more fulfilling relationship.

    See my article: Overcoming the Negative Cycle in Your Relationship With Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) For Couples).

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, EFT For Couples, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I have over 20 years of experience helping individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

What Are the Rewarding Benefits of Attending Experiential Psychotherapy?

Many people seek help in therapy when they're in a crisis. 

A crisis might involve a loss in their life or a major change where they're struggling to cope (see my article: How a Crisis Can Bring Positive Change in Your Life).

The Benefits of Attending Experiential Therapy

But aside from seeking help in therapy in a crisis, there are many benefits to attending therapy even when you're not in a crisis, which I discuss in this article.

The Benefits of Attending Experiential Therapy

If you're considering beginning therapy, here are some of the rewarding benefits:

Treat Mental Health Conditions 

Putting your well-being first and getting the help you need is a sign of strength (see my article: Common Misconceptions About Psychotherapy: Going to Therapy Means You're "Weak").

Some people who need help don't come to therapy because they're afraid of the stigma, but there's a lot more psychoeducation now that there should not be a stigma involved with going to therapy and the alternative, which often means remaining unhappy is much worse (see my article: Mental Health Awareness: Reducing the Stigma of Getting Help in Therapy).

The Benefits of Attending Experiential Therapy

Anxiety and depression have increased, especially since the pandemic, so if you're feeling anxious or depressed, you're experiencing problems that millions of people are also expeirencing.  

There are safe and effective modalities of therapy to treat anxiety and depression, so you don't need to suffer alone (see my article: Self Help Tips on How to Cope With Anxiety).

One of the most common problems is unresolved trauma--whether it's a new experience of trauma or, more often, an unresolved trauma from earlier in life that continues to affect them now (see my article: How Past Unresolved Trauma Can Affect How You Feel Now).

The good news is that there are specific types of trauma therapy that have been developed specifically for unresolved trauma.

These modalities are known for being Mind-Body Oriented therapies which are also called Experiential Therapy:

EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) Therapy

AEDP (Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy)

Somatic Experiencing Therapy

Parts Work (also known as Ego States Therapy and Internal Family Systems)

See my article: Why Experiential Therapy is More Effective Than Regular Talk Therapy

Develop Coping Skills and Strategies

Whether you want to improve your overall coping skills and internal resources or you want to learn to cope with a particular problem, working with a skilled psychotherapist can help you to preserve your sense of well being.

Developing Coping Skills in Experiential Therapy

Depending upon how your therapist works, here are just a few of the coping skills, strategies and internal resources you can develop in Experiential Therapy:

Meditation

Grounding Techniques

Anchoring Techniques

Somatic Awareness

Embracing Your Shadow Self

Strengthening Your Resilience

Learning to Empower Yourself With Parts Work

Develop Increased Self Awareness

Self awareness is part of emotional intelligence (see my article: How to Develop Emotional Intelligence).

Developing Self Awareness in Experiential Therapy

Learning to be self aware can help you to understand yourself as well as the impact you have on others, including your loved ones (see my article: What is Self Awareness?).

Developing increased self awareness is a skill you can learn. 

Self awareness includes:

• Being able to tap into your own thoughts and feelings

• Recognizing your personal strengths and areas where you have challenges (see my article: Discovering Your Personal Strengths in Psychotherapy)

• Recognize self limiting beliefs you have about yourself so you can work on changing them

• Recognizing how your thoughts, feelings and behavior affect others

Learn to Handle Your Emotions

Emotional regulation is an important skill you can learn in psychotherapy, especially in Experiential Therapy (see my article: Learning to Manage Your Emotions).

Emotional regulation includes understanding and managing your emotions so your emotions don't overwhelm you or cause you to engage in impulsive behavior.

Experiential therapy can help you to manage triggers that cause you to feel emotionally dysregulated.

    See my article:Responding Instead of Reacting to Stress).

Learn to Overcome Negative Thoughts About Yourself and Improve Self Esteem

Everyone has negative thoughts once in a while, but if you tend to have negative thoughts about yourself often, psychotherapy can help you to overcome these habitual thoughts and increase your self esteem (see my article: How Psychotherapy Can Help You to Change the Negative (Distorted) Stories You Tell Yourself).

Focusing on Inner World to Improve Self Esteem

Improve Communication Skills

People who attend psychotherapy often develop increased self awareness which, in turn, improves their interactions with others so they can communicate their thoughts and feelings more effectively (see my article: Improving Communication in Your Relationship: How to Stop Defensive Behavior).

Improving Communication Skills

Develop Stronger Relationships

With increased self awareness and improved communication skills, you're more likely to develop stronger relationships.

You can gain insight into how your behavior affects your relationship and, if you need to make improvements in this area, learn how to change behavior that might be contributing to a negative cycle in your relationship.

Developing a Stronger Relationship

You can also learn how to set healthy boundaries in your relationships as well as accept the healthy boundaries that people in your life are setting for themselves (see my article: How to Set Healthy Boundaries Without Guilt or Shame).

Learn to Accept Healthy Support

Psychotherapy can help you to learn how to accept positive healthy emotional support.

People who grew up in families where they had little to no emotional support or where they couldn't trust emotional support often have problems trusting anyone to give them emotional support because getting healthy support is unfamiliar to them (see my article: Can You Learn to Trust Your Therapist If You Couldn't Trust Your Family?).

Learning to Accept Healthy Support in Experiential Therapy

You and your therapist can develop a healthy therapeutic alliance over time so that you can develop trust in your therapist and the therapeutic process (see my article: 10 Tips on How to Open Up to Your Therapist).

After you have learned to accept healthy support in therapy, you can learn to choose healthy relationships where you can get and give emotional support.

Improve Your Mental and Physical Health

Due to the mind-body connection, there is a strong connection between mental health and physical health and therapy can help you to improve both. 

Improving Your Mental and Physical Health

For instance, by improving how you handle stress, it's possible for you to improve your sleep and possibly lower your blood pressure (see my article: Tips on How to Improve Your Sleep).

Getting Help in Therapy

If you have been struggling on your own to overcome problems, you could benefit from getting help from a skilled mental health professional.

Getting Help in Experiential Therapy

An experienced psychotherapist can help you to overcome your problems so you can live a more fulfilling life.

So, rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed psychotherapist.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

With over 20 years of experience, I have helped many individual adults and couples to live more fulfilled lives.

One of my specialties is helping clients to overcome trauma.

I use an integrative approach to psychotherapy so that clients can have the best possible experience (see my article: The Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: What is the Difference Between Codependency and Interdependency?

Based on what I've observed among couples who come to see me in my psychotherapy practice in New York City, many people are confused about the difference betwen codependency and interdependency.

Maintaining a Healthy Relationship

Due to this confusion, many people worry that any type of dependency is unhealtlhy.

So the focus of this article will be to define the difference between codependency.

What is the Difference Between Codependency and Interdependency in Relationships?

Interdependency is an essential part of a healthy relationship and codependency is an unhealthy.

    What is Codependency?

Codependency in a relationship involves one partner who is overly reliant on their partner and the partner, who is being relied upon, needs to be needed.  

As the word suggestions, in a codependent relationship both people are behaving in an unhealthy way. 

Codependency in Relationships

I'm emphasizing that codependency is a two-way street because many couples think that it's only the partner who is being overly reliant who is the one who is codependent. 

But since codependency is between two people, both partners, including the one who needs to be needed, are considered codependent.

For instance, a typical example that causes confusion in relationships is when one of the partners has a substance abuse problem and the other partner is sober. 

The partner who is abusing substances tends to be the one who is seen as the problem and the other partner is labeled as the healthy person.

However, based on the definition of codependency, if the sober partner needs to be needed, they're also behaving in a codependent way.

There might be many underlying reasons for their need to be needed including a need to feel they are in control of the relationship.

It's not unusual for the sober partner's role to become even more obviously codependent if the other person, who once abused substances, becomes sober and no longer wants to overly reliant.  

This changes the dynamic between the couple and the partner who needs to be needed might not like the change because the newly sober partner might want to have more of a role in decision-making than what they had when they were actively abusing substances. 

But the other partner, who is used to being overly relied upon and in control, might not like giving up the role they had before.

    What Are the Signs of Codependency?

The following are some of the common signs of codependency:

• One partner has an excessive need to be taken care of by the other partner in an unhealthy way.

• One partner puts the other partner's needs above their own on a regular basis--sometimes to the detriment of their own well-being.

• The partner who is being relied on often worries needlessly about the other partner and loses focus of their own well-being.

Codependency in Relationships

• The partner who is being relied upon often makes decisions soley on the other partner's needs--even if those decisions have a negative effect on their own needs.

• One partner often feels that their self worth is nothing without their partner and they wouldn't survive without their partner.

• Some codependent relationships are based on trauma bonding (see my article: What is Trauma Bonding in Relationships?).

    What is Interdependency?

When you're in a interdependent relationship, you and your partner are your own individuals.  You each know that you're both separate individuals who are in a relationship together.

Interdependency involves each partner maintaining a balance between self and partner.  Under normal circumstances, neither partner is overly reliant on the other and neither partner needs to be needed or in control in the relationship.

    What Are the Signs of Interdependency?

• Under normal circumstances (meaning that neither of them is incapacitated by health concerns) both partners are able to take care of themselves as individuals while still maintaining a healthy relationship with each other.

• Both partners can be supportive of each other in a healthy way, but their dependence is not damaging to either one of them.

Maintaining a Healthy Relationship

• Both partners have established emotional safety in the relationship for each other.

• Both partners are able to share their vulnerable feelings in a healthy way without being afraid their partner will leave them because they have established emotional safety.

• The relationship is based on individual personal growth as well as growth in the relationship (as opposed to trauma bonding).

• Both partners share in making decisions that affect them individually and as a couple.

What If You and Your Partner Aren't Sure If You Have a Codependent or Interdependent Relationship?

The term "codependent" is often misunderstood and misused.

Some people assume that any kind of dependence, even interdependence, is unhealthy. 

This is often because they might not have seen interdependence modeled for them when they were growing up. In addition, their own healthy need to be nurtured might have been demeaned and criticized by a parent who was uncomfortable showing affection (see my article: What is Childhood Emotional Neglect?).

So, they assume that they grow up assuming they're not supposed to have any emotional needs.

In other relationships where one partner tends to be anxiously attached and the other tends to be avoidantly attached, the avoidant partner might label the other partner's basic emotional needs as "codependent" when these needs are healthy (see my article: How Does Your Attachment Style Affect Your Relationship?).

The truth is we are all hardwired from birth to have our emotional needs met by a loving person. 

Although, as adults, we're better equipped to take care of ourselves, we still need love and emotional support from our loved ones.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

If you and your partner haven't been able to work out your problems, you could benefit from attending couples therapy (see my article: What is Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) for Couples?).

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

A skilled couples therapist can help you to develop the necessary skills necessary for a healthy relationship.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from an experienced couples therapist who has the particular expertise to help you overcome your problems.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

With over 20 years of experience, I have helped many individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Why Emotional Intelligence (EQ) is Important For Your Relationship

Emotional intelligence (EQ) is important for maintaining relationships (see my article: How to Develop Emotional Intelligence.

The Importance of EQ in Your Relationship

In this article I'm focusing on why being emotionally intelligent is important in committed relationships.

Why is Emotional Intelligence (EQ) Important in Committed Relationships?

Let's start by understanding the characteristics of emotional intelligence.

As I mentioned in my prior article, emotional intelligence includes:

• Developing self awareness 
• Developing an awareness about your partner with empathy and emotional attunement
• Managing your emotions
• Picking up on social cues from your partner
• Maintaining long term relationships

Now, let's look at each component of emotional intelligence in terms of a committed relationship.

Developing Self Awareness and An Empathetic Awareness of Your Partner: 

Before you even enter into a committed relationship, a high level of EQ helps you to distinguish lust (or infatuation) from a intimate loving relationship (see my article: 7 Signs Your Relationship is Based on Lust and Not Love).

When you love someone, you're no longer focused on the thrill of the chase (see my article: 12 Telltale Signs You're in a Relationship With a Womanizer).

When you have self awareness, you know your strengths and challenges and where you need to improve for your personal growth. 

You also recognize how what you say and do impacts your partner emotionally, physically and mentally. 

The Importance of EQ in Your Relationship

You know how to express your feelings, including uncomfortable feelings, to your partner and you also know how to listen to your partner when they are telling you things that might be uncomfortable (see my article: Improving Communication in Your Relationship: How to Change a Pattern of Defensive Behavior).

You don't allow anger or resentment to fester because you know it will have an negative impact on your relationship. 

Through your active awareness and empathy, you're emotionally attuned to your partner, you understand the impact you have on your partner and where you might need to make changes. 

Your self awareness and emotional attunement to your partner allows you to assess what is and isn't working in your relationship and you're not afraid to deal with these issues with your partner to make changes.

Since you're aware that emotional vulnerability is esssential for emotional and sexual intimacy, you have a comfort level with your partner so you can express your vulnerable feelings (see my article: Emotional Vulnerability as a Pathway to Greater Emotional and Sexual Intimacy).

Managing Your Emotions

You're aware of your emotions. 

You know how to manage your emotions in a health way by neither suppressing your emotions, expressing them in an unhealthy way or by stonewalling.

The Importance of EQ in Your Relationship

You know when you might need to take a break from a discussion to calm yourself before you say or do things you'll regret. 

If you and your partner are stuck in a negative cycle, you're aware of your part in the cycle and you work towards making positive changes (see my article: Breaking the Negative Cycle in Your Relationship).

Picking Up on Social Cues From Your Partner

Picking up on social cues from your partner includes:

• Paying attention to your own and your partner's body language
• Understanding your partner's gestures
• Making eye contact with your partner
• Paying attention to your own and your partner's tone and pitch when you're speaking to each other

Developing a Comfort Level For Change in Your Relationship

Change can be difficult, but a healthy relationship requires change periodically.

The Importance of EQ in Your Relationship

Part of emotional intelligence is knowing when you and your partner need to make changes in the relationship and getting comfortable with working on those changes.

You're aware that for a relationship to thrive and grow, changes are often necessary.

Rather than avoiding change, your courage to make changes with your partner will help to keep the relationship healthy.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

Emotional intelligence (EQ) is a skill you and your partner can learn.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

As a couple, if you have been struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who has an expertise in working with couples. See my article: What is Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples (EFT)?

By working on your relationship with a skilled couples therapist, you can have a happier, more meaningful relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing, EFT and Sex Therapist.

With over 20 years of experience, I have helped many individual adults and couples to overcome the obstacles to their happiness.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.