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Whether you and your partner have been together for many years or you're early in your dating relationship, you both might have different needs, so being able to communicate is important (see my article: How Well Do You Know Your Partner?).
What is Your Definition of Intimacy?
It's a common mistake for individuals in relationships to assume that they and their partner have the same understanding of intimacy, but this often isn't true.
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| Understanding Each Other's Needs in a Relationship |
How you and your partner define intimacy and each of your needs might be different, which can lead to misunderstandings if you don't know this.
When one partner makes a gesture for emotional connection, but in that moment the other partner needs personal time apart, this difference can lead to feelings of rejection for the person who wants connection and feelings of being pressured for the one who needs personal time apart.
If these differences aren't discussed, both people can feel too vulnerable to approach their partner. The one who wants more closeness can fear being judged as "needy" and the one who needs their own personal time can fear being labeled as "emotionally cold" or avoidant.
How to Develop Effective Communication to Understand Each Other's Needs
Unfortunately, when couples experience differences in terms of what they each need, they often avoid the topic or, if they want to talk about it, they don't know how to do it.
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| Understanding Each Other's Needs in a Relationship |
Admittedly, it can be difficult to initiate a conversation about individual differences with regard to intimacy, but not talking about it often increases emotional distance between each partner.
To reconnect with each other, a couple needs to be able to express their needs and be open to what their partner needs.
What Are the Different Types of Intimacy?
Intimacy includes:
- Emotional Intimacy
- Physical Intimacy
- Mental Intimacy
- Emotional Intimacy: Creating a safe haven for each person to express their emotional needs is essential. If one or both people think they will be criticized about their needs, they won't be able to communicate openly. So, even though you and your partner might be different with regard to the type and amount of emotional intimacy you each need, it's important to start with the mindset that you're both going to listen to each other with openness and respect.
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| Understanding Each Other's Needs in a Relationship |
- Physical Intimacy: Some people need to feel emotionally intimate first before they can become sexually intimate. Others need to feel connected sexually before they can feel emotionally intimate. Neither way is right or wrong, it's just different. It's also common for individuals in a relationship to experience sexual desire differently, so it's important to understand yourself and your partner, especially if you have differences.
- See my articles:
- Mental Intimacy: Feeling mentally stimulated by your partner is just as important as feeling emotionally and physically stimulated. If you and your partner find that you have little to talk about beyond your children and your jobs, you could benefit from talking about your hobbies or interests. You each might be different when it comes to talking about what is most interesting and fulfilling to you. It's not unusual for two people to have different interests and it's also possible to get curious about your partner's interests and for your partner to get curious about yours.
The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many different cases to maintain confidentiality, illustrates how a cisgender heterosexual couple can become closer by working on these issues in therapy:
Jean and Bill
When Jean and Bill were dating, they both felt emotionally, physically and mentally drawn to each other.
Ten years into their marriage, Jean suggested they seek help in couples therapy due to an increasing sense of estrangement and boredom between them.
Bill was somewhat reluctant because he wasn't accustomed to talking about his feelings to a mental health professional, but he agreed to attend couples therapy because he realized they were drifting apart.
After meeting with each of them individually to get their individual histories with regard to their family, prior relationships and sexual history, they had their first couples session together.
The couples therapist, who was also a sex therapist, asked them what each of them wanted to get out of couples therapy.
After a moment of awkwardness and silence, they turned to each other and Jean was the first to speak, "We've been drifting apart for the last several years and I'm afraid that if we don't do something to change this, we're going to live together as roommates or our relationship might not last."
Bill responded, "I feel like Jean doesn't understand that I need my alone time, especially after I come home from work. It's like she can't wait to tell me about her day and, don't get me wrong, I want to hear about it, but I feel bombarded when I first walk through the door. I don't want us to continue to drift apart, but we need to work out our differences when it comes to time together and time apart (see my article: Time Together Vs. Time Apart).
Over time, Bill and Jean spoke about this issue as well as other obstacles to emotional, physical and mental intimacy. This was their first experience with talking about these topics and, although they were each hesitant to talk about their needs at first, they learned to approach these talks with openness and curiosity.
They both expressed feeling more genuinely connected to each other--even when they were talking about their differences.
Since they had become increasingly estranged over the last several years, their work in couples therapy was neither quick nor easy. But they both felt they were being more authentic with each other which brought them closer together.
They each learned to be open and curious about their individual interests. They also learned they were different in terms of their emotional needs.
Bill felt most connected to Jean when they were sexual and Jean felt more sexually turned on when they were emotionally connected. So they learned to talk about this and make adjustments in how they interacted.
Jean realized she wasn't usually spontaneously interested in sex, but once she and Bill began kissing, she got turned on.
She learned that if she was willing to start being sexually intimate, she usually got turned on (see my article: For People With Responsive Desire, a Willingness to Get Started is Often Enough to Get Aroused).
Bill experienced sexual desire spontaneously. All he had to do was think about sex and he was turned on, but he learned to appreciate Jean's responsive desire, so he slowed down to align with her experience, which made their sex life more pleasurable for both of them.
As obstacles came up in their couples therapy work, their couples therapist helped them to work through them so that, over time, they had a more fulfilling relationship.
Getting Help in Couples Therapy
If you and your partner haven't been able to resolve your problems on your own, you could benefit from seeking help in couples therapy.
Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a skilled couples therapist so you can have a more fulfilling relationship.
About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.
I work with individual adults and couples.
To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.
To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.
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