For People With Responsive Sexual Desire, a Willingness to Get Started is Often Enough to Feel Sexual Desire

There are bound to be times in all relationships when a couple is out of synch in terms of sexual desire. 

Sometimes one person wants to have sex and the other person isn't feeling very sexual in the moment.

Responsive Desire and a Willingness to Get Started

A lot of times the person who isn't feeling sexual in the moment knows that once they start to get sexually intimate, they will feel sexual desire and this ends up working out.  

But sometimes the person who starts out feeling desire feels hurt that their partner isn't feeling sexual desire from the start.  

This article will explore why this often happens in relationships.

Clinical Vignettes: 

The following clinical vignettes are composites of many different cases which include no identifying information:

Vignette 1: When a Willingness to Have Sex is Enough

Ed and Sam were together for 10 years.  Ed had a very stressful job where he worked long hours so he often came home tired.  Sam worked part time and took care of their two young children when they got home from school.  

Responsive Desire and a Willingness to Get Started

Generally, they had a good sex life, but Ed usually wasn't in the mood to have sex when Sam wanted to do it.  But Ed was willing to kiss Sam and he would soon get into the mood to have sex. 

Sam didn't personalize it when Ed didn't feel sexual at first.  Sam was confident enough in himself so he didn't see Ed's initial lack of desire as a reflection on his self worth, his looks or his desirability.

Vignette 2:  When a Willingness to Have Sex isn't Enough

Sara and Bob were married for five years, and they had no children. Sara stayed home and Bob worked in a stressful job where he was often worried about his job security.  

When Bob got home from work, he often needed time to himself to relax. But Sara, who had few close friends, waited all day for Bob to come home. As soon as he got in the door, she wanted to cuddle with him--even though he had told her many times that he needed a few minutes to himself.

During the week when Sara wanted to make love, Bob often fell asleep because he was exhausted from work.  When this happened, Sara felt resentful and sad.  She interpreted his tiredness to mean she wasn't attractive or sexy enough for Bob to want her sexually.  

She berated him the next day for not paying enough attention to her.  Even though Bob really felt Sara was attractive and desirable, he couldn't convince Sara of this.

By the weekend, when Bob was more relaxed and rested and he wanted to have sex with Sara, she was still resentful from earlier in the week and she refused to have sex with him.  This became their pattern and, over time, this pattern eroded their relationship.

Secure Attachment vs Insecure Attachment

To understand the difference between Scenario 1 and Scenario 2, it's important to explore attachment styles (see my article: How Your Attachment Style Affects Your Relationship).

Vignette 1: Sam

When Sam was growing up, his parents were nurturing and loving towards him.  He grew up in a stable and secure home environment where he knew he was loved.  He was closer to his father, who was especially loving.  His father often delighted in whatever Sam did and Sam grew up feeling confident in himself.  He developed a secure attachment style due to his loving and secure home.

In his relationship with Ed, Sam knew he was attractive and desirable because he had grown up feeling loved and wanted.  So, on those occasions when Ed didn't start out feeling as sexual until they began making love, Sam had enough confidence in himself not to personalize it.  He understood it had nothing to do with him.  He also knew he was lovable and that Ed loved him.

Vignette 2: Sara

As a child, Sara grew up in a home where her parents were often fighting.  There were times when her father would disappear for months at a time and no one knew where he was or if he was coming back.  

Even when both parents were at home, they were so engrossed in their arguments that they barely paid attention to Sara.  They often blamed her for their problems--even though she was a young child.  As a result, she developed an anxious/insecure attachment style.

As a married woman, Sara needed constant reassurance from Bob that she was attractive and desirable.  But no matter how many times he told her she was attractive and desirable, she never felt reassured.  

Whenever Bob was too tired to have sex, she assumed it was because he didn't love her anymore.  What neither of them understood was that Sara was emotionally vulnerable to feeling this way because of her anxious/insecure attachment style.

Conclusion

Two people in a relationship won't always feel sexual desire at the same time.  

In most cases, a willingness on the part of the partner who might not start out feeling sexual is enough to feel sexual desire once the couple starts having sex.  However, when the other partner struggles with insecure attachment, they can get emotionally triggered in these situations due to unresolved childhood trauma.  

Getting Help in Therapy

If you have unresolved issues that are affecting your relationship, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who is a trauma expert (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

A skilled trauma therapist can help you to overcome the obstacles that are holding you back so you can live a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples to help them overcome unresolved trauma.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.