Overcoming Self Sabotaging Behavior in Your Relationship

Becoming aware of self sabotaging behavior in a relationship can help you to break destructive patterns that create problems for you and your partner (see my article: Overcoming Recurring Patterns of Self Sabotaging Behavior).

What is Self Sabotaging Behavior in Relationships?

Self sabotaging behavior in relationships can be conscious or unconscious behavior that stem from fear of abandonment, low self esteem, unresolved trauma and other related problems.

Self Sabotaging Behavior in a Relationship

This destructive behavior often acts as a defense mechanism to avoid emotional pain.  

What Does Self Sabotaging Behavior in a Relationship Look Like?

The following are examples of self sabotaging behavior in a relationship:

• Creating Conflict and Drama: Picking fights over small issues, being very critical or finding faults with a partner to cause problems

• Withdrawing and Stonewalling: Distancing, shutting down emotionally or exiting conversations when intimacy or conflicts arise. Note: Many individuals who have an avoidant attachment style withdraw because they are overwhelmed and they need time to recoup. This is different from withdrawing to intentionally distance yourself from your partner (see my article: Improve Communication in Your Relationship By Eliminating the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse).

• Testing Loyalty: Setting up tests to see how much your partner cares about you. This often leads to a self fulfilling prophecy of abandonment when the tests are unreasonable.

• Insecurity and Jealousy: Projecting insecurities, excessive monitoring or comparing current partners unfavorably to past partners (see my article: Jealousy Isn't Love).

• Ending a Relationship Prematurely: Ending a relationship before it can end on its own. This often occurs out of fear of a future rejection by the partner.

• Holding Onto Grudges and Resentment: Refusing to let go of past minor disagreements or mistakes so there is no repair between you and your partner. Instead of actively repairing the problem between you, you avoid dealing with it so that, over time, there is a pile-up of grudges and resentment which causes emotional disconnection between you and your partner or the relationship ends from the weight of the resentments (see my article: The Unspoken Rift: Resentment, Emotional Distance and Loneliness in Relationships).

What Causes Self Sabotaging Behavior in Relationships?

• Fear of Abandonment or Rejection: Pushing your partner away to avoid an anticipated future rejection--even in cases where this fear is a distortion

Self Sabotaging Behavior in a Relationship

• Fear of Emotional Vulnerability: Lacking trust or experiencing a fear of taking the risk to open up emotionally. Since being vulnerable is an essential part of a healthy relationship, this fear can ruin a relationship (see my article: Vulnerability as a Pathway to Emotional and Sexual Intimacy)

• Low Self Esteem:  A feeling that you don't deserve to be in a healthy, loving relationship

• Unrealistic Expectations: Holding your partner to unrealistic or impossible standards (see my article: Your Partner Can't Meet All Your Needs).

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many cases, illustrates self sabotaging behavior in a relationship:

Jane

When Jane met Alan, she realized she liked him a lot and she wanted to get to know him better.

Three months later, they both agreed they had fallen in love and they wanted to be exclusive so they stopped dating other people.

Initially, Jane enjoyed her time with Alan and she could foresee a long term relationship and even marriage.  But, as they got closer, her old fears and insecurities made her feel very anxious and fearful in the relationship. 

One of her biggest fears was she anticipated that Alan would realize that she wasn't good enough for him and he would leave her (see my article: Overcoming the Fear That Others Won't Like You If They Got to Know the "Real You").

She talked to Alan about this and he tried to reassure her that he loved her and he wanted to be with her, but no amount of reassurance helped to alleviate Jane's fears.

Self Sabotaging Behavior in a Relationship

When Jane became overwhelmed with her fear that Alan would leave her, she would break up with him. Initially, she felt relieved because she was no longer dreading being abandoned. But soon afterward, she regretted breaking up with him and she would feel desperate to rekindle their relationship.

After they got back together again, Jane's fear and insecurity would come up again. She knew she didn't want to break up with Alan, but she found the emotional vulnerability of being in the relationship to be overwhelming. 

At the time, she didn't realize that she would pick arguments with him over insignificant things as a way of creating emotional distance. But when they started couples therapy, the couples therapist helped them to see the negative cycle in their relationship and Jane realized she was picking fights with Alan out of fear.

In addition to couples therapy, Jane attended her own individual trauma therapy to deal with the underlying trauma that was the cause of her self sabotaging behavior.

Over time, Jane was able to work through her unresolved childhood trauma which created her fear of abandonment and insecurity. She and Alan also learned to work as a team to prevent the negative cycle in their relationship with the help of their couples therapist.

Overcoming Self Sabotaging Behavior in Your Relationship

• Recognize Patterns and Triggers: To recognize patterns and triggers requires self awareness and a willingness to change. 

• Develop Open Communication: Instead of engaging in passive aggressive or other unhealthy behavior, create open and vulnerable communication with your partner. 

Overcoming Self Sabotaging Behavior in a Relationship

• Build Self Esteem: Work on developing your self esteem to accept love and accept being in a healthy relationship without fear and reactive behavior.

• Work on Unresolved Personal Trauma in Trauma Therapy: Since the root cause of self sabotaging behavior usually stems from unresolved childhood trauma, work on these issues in trauma therapy so that you no longer get triggered in your relationship.

Get Help in Couples Therapy

• Work on Relationship Issues in Couples Therapy: A couples therapist who practices Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) can help you and your partner to identify and prevent and a negative cycle in your relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing, Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy) and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have helped many individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during busness hours or email me.

Overcoming Recurring Patterns of Self Sabotaging Behavior

Becoming aware of your recurring self sabotaging behavior requires a willingness to explore your patterns with self compassion.

What is Self Sabotaging Behavior?

Self sabotaging behavior often begins with unconscious thoughts and emotions that create roadblocks to your personal growth, well-being, goals and success (see my article: Making the Unconscious Conscious).

Overcoming Recurring Patterns of Self Sabotage

Self sabotaging behavior usually involves a conflict between what you want and your unconscious fears or insecurity.

What Causes Self Sabotaging Behavior?

The root of self sabotaging behavior often begins in early childhood. This might include early messages from parents that you're not good enough or you're unlovable. 

These traumatic messages usually get internalized at a deep unconscious level so that, as an adult, you might not recognize the origin of your self sabotaging behavior (see my article: Overcoming Trauma: You're Not Defined By Your History).

Overcoming Recurring Patterns of Self Sabotage

Growing up in a chaotic, unpredictable environment can create a fear of change so that you remain stuck in unhealthy ways of being (see my article: How Does Shame Develop at an Early Age?).

In addition, you might equate what is familiar to you, including self sabotaging behavior, as "safety" even if you are aware that it's unhealthy. In other words, you might prefer what is known, including unhealthy behavior, to what is unknown, including trying to develop healthier ways of coping.

Self sabotaging behavior is often triggered by stressful situations. 

When you have little to no awareness about what triggers your behavior, your pattern continues because, instead of exploring what triggered the behavior, you fall into the trap of continuing to enact the same self destructive patterns (see my article: What is Self Abandonment?).

What Are Examples of Self Sabotaging Behavior?

The following are a few examples of self sabotaging behavior:

• Procrastination: Delaying tasks to avoid potential failure or judgment including self judgment (see my article: Overcoming Procrastination)

• Perfectionism: Setting unrealistic standards which causes stagnation (see my article: Overcoming Perfectionism)

Overcoming Recurring Patterns of Self Sabotage

• Escapism: Using unhealthy coping skills to avoid dealing with uncomfortable emotions. These unhealthy coping skills might include excessive drinking, illicit drugs, compulsive gambling, overspending and other attempts to escape

• Relationship Sabotage: Pushing people away, avoiding vulnerability or creating conflict in a relationship as a way to create emotional distance

• Negative Self Talk: Self criticism which erodes your self esteem

• Avoiding New Opportunities: Ignoring or withdrawing from new challenges or opportunities for growth (see my article: Opening Up to New Possibilities in Your Life)

• Remaining Stuck in Unhealthy Familiar Patterns : Refusing to try new things because what is familiar feels "safer" even if it is self destructive

How to Overcome Recurring Patterns of Self Sabotaging Behavior

• Awareness: In order to change any kind of unhealthy pattern of behavior, you must first become aware of the pattern. This means that, instead of blaming others or "bad luck", you need to look at how you are contributing to your problems. Self compassion is an important part of this step because if your awareness triggers self criticism, you can get stuck in a loop of unhealthy behavior. This involves taking a step back and looking for recurring patterns of behavior. For instance, if you have problems with relationship sabotage, you become aware of your contribution to recurring problems in relationships.

Overcoming Recurring Patterns of Self Sabotage

• Identify Triggers and Recurring Patterns: Track your actions to identify your triggers and recurring patterns. For instance, you might realize in hindsight that a pattern of procrastination starts with your fear of failure. You can do this by journaling about your thoughts, emotions and behavior, including recurring unhealthy patterns. After you have identified the patterns, write about how you want to handle these situations.

• Challenge Your Negative Thoughts: Replace negative thoughts with realistic positive thoughts (see my article: Overcoming Habitual Negative Thoughts).

• Set Manageable Goals: Since feeling overwhelmed can trigger avoidance behavior, break down big tasks into smaller parts to reduce the likelihood of feeling overwhelmed.

• Learn to Be in the Present Moment: Develop healthy habits, like practicing breathing exercises and mindfulness, to be in the present moment rather than allowing your thoughts to project too far into the future. 

Get Help in Therapy

Recurring patterns of ingrained self sabotaging behavior can be difficult to identify and even more challenging to change on your own because these patterns often start at a young age before you realize it.

Get Help in Therapy

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who has an expertise in helping clients to change self sabotaging behavior.

Once you have freed yourself from these unhealthy behaviors, you can live a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have over 25 years of experience helping individual adults and couples (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Article:

Overcoming Self Sabotaging Behavior 

What is Dual Awareness in Psychotherapy?

The concept of dual awareness is essential in psychotherapy, especially when working on unresolved trauma (see my article: Why is Experiential Therapy More Effective Than Traditional Talk Therapy to Overcome Trauma?).

Dual Awareness in Trauma Therapy

What is Dual Awareness in Trauma Therapy?

The ability to maintain dual awareness is especially important when processing traumatic memories in trauma therapy (see my article: Healing in Trauma Therapy).

Dual awareness is the ability to process traumatic memories while remaining grounded in the safety of the here-and-now.

Dual Awareness in Trauma Therapy

In other words, clients need to balance two realities: the here-and-now as well as the traumatic memory that is being worked in therapy. That means they are aware that, even though they are discussing a traumatic memory, they are safe with their therapist (see my article: Why Establishing Safety is So Important in Trauma Therapy).

Before doing any processing in trauma therapy, it's important for the trauma therapist to prepare clients for the work by ensuring clients have internal and external resources or coping skills, including the ability to remain present and embodied (see my article: Developing Coping Strategies in Trauma Therapy).

To remain embodied means maintaining a conscious connection to their emotions and bodily experiences while processing traumatic emotions (see my article: What is Somatic Awareness?).

Key Concepts of Dual Awareness:

Prior to processing traumatic memories, their therapist helps prepare clients to:

• Balance Two Realities: Clients acknowledge feeling certain emotions related to past traumatic memories at the same time that they know they are safe in the moment with their therapist. 

• Develop an Observing Self: Clients learn to develop an observing self who witnesses their internal experiences (thoughts, emotions, bodily sensations) while processing memories from the past. This observing self can go by many names including Core Self, Adult Self, Higher Self or whatever name is meaningful to clients. Because they have developed a part of themselves that can witness their experiences, they don't feel overwhelmed. This also helps to prevent retraumatization.

Therapeutic Techniques: Trauma therapists often use various techniques to help clients to balance processing past memories with remaining grounded in the present moment. 

Some of these techniques include:

• Pendulation which was developed in Somatic Experiencing Therapy, where the therapist helps clients to shift their awareness from a traumatic memory or experience to a calm or neutral experience or to their Core Self/Adult Self as a way to work on these memories in manageable segments so clients don't become overwhelmed.

• Imaginal Interweaves: Prior to choosing a traumatic memory to work on, clients choose people from their past or present life who would be emotionally supportive. While working on the memory, clients imagine these individuals are accompanying them on their healing journey to undo feelings of aloneness. These people might include a favorite relative, a best friend from the past or the present, a loving teacher and so on. If clients can't imagine anyone they know, they can also choose a person they don't know personally, like a character from a movie or a book, that they can imagine being with them in an emotionally supportive role. In some circumstances, clients might choose someone who they imagine could have intervened directly, like a protective or powerful person who would have protected them when they were younger.  In reality, clients know there might not have been anyone in the original traumatic memory that helped them, but dual awareness allows them to imagine and have a felt sense of being helped or protected.

Dual Awareness in Trauma Therapy

• Breathing Exercises: Being able to pause the work and take a cleansing breath can help the trauma work to remain manageable and tolerable. Clients can also use breathing exercises between sessions.

• Containment: Containment can include clients imagining they can put the traumatic memory away in a box of their choosing at the end of the session. Some clients like to imagine that their therapist keeps the box for them or that they keep the box themselves in a safe place until the next time they work on the memory.

• Learning How to Manage and Reduce Triggers : A trigger is a person, place or thing that causes an unexpected intense reaction related to an experience from the past (see my article: 8 Tips For Coping With Triggers).

What Are the Different Types of Trauma Therapy?

There are different types of trauma therapy including:

• EMDR Therapy (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing

• AEDP (Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy)

• Somatic Experiencing

• Parts Work Therapy (IFS and Ego States Therapy)

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

Trauma therapy can help you to process traumatic memories so they no longer affect you in your current life.

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who is trained as a trauma therapist so you can live a more meaningful life free from your traumatic history.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy, Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have over 25 years of experiencing helping individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

What is a Trauma Therapist? 

Overcoming Trauma: You're Not Defined By What Happened to You 

What is Complex Trauma? 

Emotional Numbing: The "Wall" That Once Protected You Now Imprisons You

 I've written about emotional numbing in prior articles (see my article: How Therapy Can Help You to Take Down the "Wall" You Built Around Yourself).

In the current article, I want to dive deeper into the subject of emotional numbing that started as a survival strategy and ended up imprisoning you with social isolation, an inability to feel emotions deeply, including joy, and creating stagnation in your life.

What is Emotional Numbing?

Emotional numbing is an unconscious psychological state where an individual feels detached or indifferent. They are often unable to experience, process or express emotions.

Overcoming Emotional Numbing

What Are Some of the Symptoms of Emotional Numbing?

Someone who is experiencing emotional numbing can have some or all of the following symptoms:

• Flat Affect: A lack of emotional response, often described as "robotic" or indifferent

• Reduced Emotional Range: An inability to feel high excitement or deep sadness

• Detachment: Feeling emotionally and psychologically disconnected from others and, possibly, from surroundings

• Indiscriminate Blocking: Emotional numbing blocks all emotions including sadness, joy, excitement and gratitude

• Loss of a Sense of Self: Chronic detachment can lead to loss of identity, which can make you feel like a passive observer in your life 

• Avoidance and Isolation: Withdrawing from people and social activities

• Energy Depletion: Maintaining internal "walls" takes a lot of psychological energy which can lead to chronic fatigue or burnout

What Causes Emotional Numbing?

Emotional numbing can be caused by unresolved psychological trauma, PTSD (posttraumatic stress disorder), severe stress, grief, burnout or a side effect of medication (see my article: What is the Difference Between Trauma and PTSD?).

Overcoming Emotional Numbing

Emotional numbing often starts during childhood as a survival strategy or defense mechanism which is adaptive at the time because the child is in a psychologically overwhelming environment at home.

In that sense, emotional numbing helps to mitigate overwhelming stress and trauma which would be detrimental to the child.

However, when the child becomes an adult, emotional numbing is no longer adaptive because it prevents the individual from being fully present in personal relationships, friendships, social activities and at work.

As an adult, chronic emotional numbness puts a strain on relationships and daily life.

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette,which is a composite of many cases, illustrates how emotional numbing which once protected a young child in a dysfunctional family from being overwhelmed but created problems later on as an adult. The vignette also illustrates how trauma therapy can help.

Nick

When Nick was growing up, he learned to cope with his parents' constant arguments by going into his room and "spacing out" with video games.

After a while, he got so good at numbing himself that he felt like he was in his own world apart from everyone and everything else.

As an adult in his first relationship, Nick had problems connecting emotionally with his girlfriend. She complained that she experienced him as emotionally detached and indifferent about her and their relationship.

At the time, Nick had no awareness about how he was numbing himself because it had become so automatic for him. At the point when he thought his girlfriend might end their relationship, Nick sought help in therapy.

Nick's therapist helped Nick to realize that the "wall" he created around himself as a child protected him from the chaos between his parents, but that same "wall" now came with a cost because he had problems connecting emotionally with his girlfriend and others.

His therapist, who was a trauma therapist, helped Nick to gradually take down his protective "wall" by working on the unresolved trauma from his childhood.

Using a combination of EMDR therapy and Parts Work therapy, over time, Nick worked through his childhood trauma so that he no longer felt the need to numb himself emotionally (see my article: Why is Experiential Therapy More Effective Than Traditional Talk Therapy to Overcome Trauma?).

The work in therapy was neither quick nor easy, but Nick was able to connect emotionally with his girlfriend as he worked through his unresolved trauma.

Conclusion

Like all defense mechanisms, emotional numbing occurs on an unconscious level and it's usually related to trauma.

Trauma therapy can help to work through the original trauma so there is no longer a need for emotional numbing.

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

Working with a licensed mental health professional who is a trauma therapist can help you to work through unresolved trauma and emotional numbing (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a trauma therapist so you can live a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

As a trauma therapist, I have over 25 years of experience helping individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

Allowing Yourself to Feel Your Feelings So You Can Heal 

What Happens When You Numb Yourself to Your Traumatic Past 

How Does Somatic Experiencing (SE) Process Emotions?

In my recent articles I've been exploring how the different types of Experiential Therapies, like AEDP, Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy) and EMDR process emotions.

Processing Emotions with Somatic Experiencing

In the current article I'm focusing on how Somatic Experiencing, also known as SE, processes emotions (see my article: Somatic Experiencing: A Mind-Body Oriented Therapy).

Somatic Experiencing was developed by Peter Levine in the 1970s. Like many other types of Experiential Therapies, SE was developed to address the limitations of traditional psychotherapy (see my article: Why is Experiential Therapy More Effective Than Traditional Psychotherapy to Resolve Trauma?).

How Does Somatic Experiencing Process Emotions?

Somatic Experiencing processes emotions by focusing on bodily sensations (see my article: The Mind-Body Connection: What is Somatic Awareness?)).

Processing Emotions with Somatic Experiencing

Like other types of Experiential Therapy, Somatic Experiencing is a "bottom up" rather than a "top down" approach (see my article: What is the Difference Between a "Top Down" and "Bottom Up" Approach to Trauma Therapy?)

Clients are guided by their SE therapist to safely notice, feel and release tension related to trauma. This allows the nervous system to complete the interrupted stress response related to the trauma. These releases are often subtle.

What Are the Key Processes in SE to Process Emotions?

The key processes in SE include:

• A "Bottom Up" Approach: As mentioned above, instead of analyzing emotions, which is the usual way in traditional talk therapy, SE focuses on physical sensations to access and resolve underlying emotional experiences. These physical sensations might include tightness, warmth or pressure (to name a few).

Somatic Experiencing and Resourcing

• Resourcing: Prior to processing traumatic emotions, the client learns to develop a felt sense of calm and safety that can be accessed during times of activation related to processing the trauma (see my article: Developing Internal Resources and Coping Skills).

• Titration: Titration involves breaking down overwhelming traumatic memories into manageable pieces to avoid retraumatization during processing.

• Pendulation: Pendulation is shifting back and forth from a state of calm and safety to a state of discomfort related to the unresolved trauma.  This allows the nervous system to process traumatic emotions without being overwhelmed (see my article: Coping With Emotional Distress By Using the SE Technique of Pendulation).

• Discharging: As trapped energy related to the trauma is released, the client might experience physical sensations (e.g., heat). These sensations are often subtle.

Conclusion

Somatic Experiencing allows clients to process traumatic emotions and shift from a fight, flight, freeze or fawn response into a state of self regulation and relief.

I have been using Somatic Experiencing with clients regularly since 2011 and I have found that SE often combines well with other types of Experiential Therapy, like AEDP, EMDR and Parts Work.

Getting Help With Somatic Experiencing

If you feel stuck with unresolved trauma, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who is also an SE practitioner.

Getting Help With Somatic Experiencing

Freeing yourself from unresolved trauma can allow you to live a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have over 25 years of experience helping individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

What Are the Therapeutic Benefits of Somatic Experiencing?  

What Does Processing Emotions Mean? 

How Are Emotions Processed in Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy (AEDP)?  

How Are Emotions Processed in Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) Therapy?  

How Are Emotions Processed in Parts Work (IFS and Ego States) Therapy? 

What is the Life Cycle of an Emotion?

How Are Emotions Processed in Internal Family Systems (IFS) Parts Work Therapy?

I have been focusing on how emotions are processed in different types of therapies (see links below for prior articles).

What is Parts Work Therapy

IFS, which stands for Internal Family Systems, was developed by Richard Schwartz as a form of trauma therapy in the 1980s.

Processing Emotions in Parts Work

Prior to IFS, Ego States Therapy, which is another form of parts work therapy, was developed by psychiatrists John and Helen Watkins in the 1970s, so IFS wasn't the first type of parts work. 

Ego States Therapy is a psychodynamic approach which is used to resolve inner conflicts, trauma and improve emotional regulation by fostering communication and harmony between the different parts of a person's personality.

I learned Ego States Therapy while I was learning how to do hypnotherapy in 2011 and when I learned IFS a few years later, I saw the similarities between Ego States Therapy and IFS immediately.

Ego States Therapy and IFS have the following similarities:

• The personality is perceived as consisting of separate subparts rather than perceiving the personality as a single, unified whole. Subparts are a part of everyone's personality. This is different from multiple personality disorder.

• Both Ego States Therapy and IFS strive to help the various parts of the personality to work together. The goal is not to get rid of any parts because there are no bad parts. All parts have good intentions even if the intentions aren't apparent at first.

• Both types of parts work are effective for trauma, PTSD and resolving inner conflict.

• Ego States Therapy uses guided imagery and sometimes hypnotherapy to identify and communicate with specific parts, also known as Ego States. IFS uses somatic awareness to identify and communicate with parts.

How Does IFS Parts Work Process Emotions?

Similar to Ego States Therapy, IFS identifies specific parts using compassionate curiosity through the Core Self, which is also known as the Self, Adult Self or Higher Self (see my article: Discovering Your Core Self in IFS Parts Work Therapy).

Here are the key stages of emotional processing in IFS:

• Identifying "Trailheads": Emotional triggers or intense feelings (anger, fear, sadness and so on) are recognized as "trailheads". In other words, they are recognized as gateways to understanding a part.

• Unblending and Self Compassion: Instead of being overtaken by an emotion, you learn to separate from it. This separation or externalization allows for your calm and compassionate Core Self to observe and connect with the emotion without judgment. This is similar to mindfulness where you learn to observe your experiences.

Processing Emotions in Parts Work: Befriending Parts

• Befriending Protective Parts: Before accessing deeply painful emotions, IFS focuses on understanding "managers" (proactive protector parts) and "firefighter" parts (reactive, numbing parts). You learn that these protective parts, which would be identified as defense mechanisms in psychodynamic or psychoanalytic therapy, have positive intentions of protecting you, such as preventing future harm.

• Witnessing the Unburdened Exiles: Once you have developed a trusting relationship with the protective parts, they can allow the Core Self to access the wounded, vulnerable "exile" parts which hold the trauma. The Core Self listens to and observes the exile's story and helps them to release the painful emotions or limiting beliefs they carry. This is called unburdening the exiles.

The 6 Fs of IFS

To process emotions, IFS often uses a structured process to engage with the parts:

• Find: Locate/sense the emotion/part in the body.

• Focus: Bring your attention to it.

• Flesh Out: Get to know the parts (images, sensations, memories).

• Befriend the Part: Listen to and understand the part's intention.

• Fears: Listen to and understand what the part fears if it stops doing what it's doing. For example, a protector part might be afraid when you ask the part to step aside because it fears letting go of control. This is similar to how defense mechanisms work. For instance, you might unconsciously protect yourself with denial about a problem and letting go of that denial can make you afraid. So, whether you conceive of it as a part or a defense mechanism, you have to gain its trust so it feels safe enough to let go.

Through the IFS or Ego States Therapy process, emotions are no longer suppressed or acted out impulsively. Instead, emotions are validated and released. This leads to healing and internal integration which is an essential part of mental health.

Emotional Blocks in Parts Work

After reading the summary above, it would be easy to think that processing emotions in Parts Work, either IFS or Ego States Therapy, is simple, but this isn't always the case (see my article: Working With Emotional Blocks).

Just like in any other therapy, you can experience emotional blocks that get in the way of processing emotions. For instance, in attempting to feel compassion, you might access a critical part instead that gets in the way and needs to be worked with before you can access self compassion. This critical part is often a protector part and it also functions as an emotional block.

In addition, the mind can resist what's unfamiliar. So, if your familiar experience is to berate yourself because you internalized that experience at a young age, you have accessed a protector part that is difficult to let go of because it has become a longstanding part of you.

Although it might not sound like it's protective, all parts have good intentions so it's important to find out what the intention is when a part blocks progress. Then, you can form a trusting relationship with the part so it will eventually let go of criticizing and judging you.

Conclusion

IFS and Ego States Therapy are two of several types of trauma therapies.

The trauma therapist assesses each client to determine which type of trauma therapy--whether it's EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing, Parts Work or a combination of these modalities is for a particular client. 

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

If you have unresolved trauma that you have been unable to work through on your own, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who is a trauma therapist (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

Freeing yourself from unresolved trauma can help you to live a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

As a trauma therapist, I have over 25 years of experience helping individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

Trauma Therapy: The Mind Has a Powerful Innate Ability to Heal Itself

What Does Processing Your Emotions Mean? 

How Are Emotions Processed in EMDR Therapy?

How Are Emotions Processed in AEDP?

What is the Life Cycle of an Emotion?