How Do Traumatizing Narcissists Use Love Bombing, Gaslighting and Degradation to Manipulate in Relationships?

Being in a relationship with a traumatizing narcissist can have a severe psychological, emotional and physical impact over time.

Usually these relationships start with love-bombing to win over the person they are seeing. Once they have won the person over, they change their tactics and use manipulation to maintain power over their partner.

To understand how traumatizing narcissists use manipulation, it's important to start by defining the term "DARVO".

Traumatizing Narcissists Use Manipulation to Abuse

What is DARVO?

DARVO is a term which was coined by psychologist Dr. Jennifer Freyd in 1997.

DARVO is an acronym which stands for Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender which traumatizing narcissists use as a manipulation tactic to deflect accountability and blame when they are confronted by their partner.

The traumatizing narcissist uses DARVO in three steps:

• Step One: Deny: This is the first step in the traumatizing narcissist's manipulation. They deny any wrongdoing or abuse--even when it's obvious that they were at fault.  

Traumatizing Narcissists Use DARVO to Abuse Partners

• Step Two: Attack: Not only do they refuse to take responsibility--the traumatizing narcissist attacks the credibility, character and casts doubt on their partner. This is an attempt to discredit them and make their partner doubt themself. In order to manipulate, they might use insults and threats including threats to leave the relationship. This inflicts even more pain on their partner.

• Step Three: Reverse Victim and Offender: The abuser tries to switch roles by twisting the narrative so that they position themself as the "real victim" while portraying their abused partner as the offender. In addition, the abuser will use gaslighting to make their partner believe they are either crazy, confused or just wrong. In effect, the abuser switches roles and redirects the attention away from their own behavior. 

What is the Impact of DARVO?

Traumatizing narcissists, who are usually masters of manipulation, often achieve their intended results. Since they are so convincing, their partner seems less believable. 

When the partner deals with the traumatizing narcissist's behavior on a daily basis over a long period of time, the manipulation takes a toll on the partner emotionally, psychologically and physically. 

The partner internalizes this false narrative and believes that the traumatizing narcissist isn't the problem.  Over time, the victim comes to see themselves as the problem and they believe they are the cause of their own problems.

Many survivors of this type of narcissistic abuse experience posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD) if they remain in the relationship with the abusive partner.

How to Protect Yourself From DARVO

To recognize the early signs that you are with a traumatizing narcissist, you need to focus less on their charm and more on your own embodied reactions to them, how they ignore your boundaries, and how they tell their stories.

Traumatizing narcissists are very good at the process of idealization, which can feel very romantic at first but is designed to fast-track emotional dependency:

The Pacing and Intensity Feel Overwhelming (The "Glow")

• Love-Bombing: They shower you with excessive praise, grand declarations, constant communication and maybe even gifts (see my article: 10 Signs You're Being Loved Bombed By a Narcissist).

Beware of Love Bombing

• Hyper-Fast Escalation: They push for immediate exclusivity (moving in together quickly or planning a lifetime together after only a few weeks).

• Instant Soulmate Narrative: They claim they have never felt this way before and you are made for each other.

Communication and Truth Are Distorted

• Conversational Monopoly: They dominate discussions and skillfully redirect every topic back to their achievements or their struggles.

Traumatizing Narcissists Tend to Monopolize the Conversation

• Victim History: They describe their history as having been the victim in the past. Every single ex-partner, family member or prior boss was "crazy", "abusive" or deeply unfair to them, according to the traumatizing narcissist.

• Information Harvesting: They ask deep penetrating questions about your past trauma or vulnerabilities which they plan to eventually use against you.

• Subtle Contradictions: Their stories have small, logical gaps, and their words rarely align with their long term actions.

Setting Boundaries With Them or Telling Them "No" Triggers Negative Reactions

• The "Loyalty Test": They create minor crises or sudden plans that force you to choose them over pre-existing obligations.

• Poor Tolerance When You Say "No": If you say "no" to a request, they react with coldness, passive-aggressive behavior or immediate guilt-tripping.

Micro-Devaluations Begin Early (the "Shock")

• Offensive and or Controversial Remarks to Test You: They make a sharp, insulting comment disguised as a joke. Then, if you say you're offended, they accuse you of being "too sensitive". They are testing you and will escalate over time if you accept their behavior.

Traumatic Narcissists Criticizing Partner as a Test

• Public/Private Split: They can be very charismatic and generous in public, but they might be cold, distracted or critical behind closed doors.

• Flawless Image: They cannot tolerate even the smallest constructive feedback without getting massively defensive or blame-shifting (i.e., blaming you instead of taking responsibility).

Your Own Internal Warnings (the "Glow" vs the "Shock")

• Recognize Your Low-Level Anxiety: You feel an underlying tension, dread or jitteriness when you're with them--even when things are going well.

• Beware of Walking on Eggshells: You find yourself carefully monitoring your words, tone, facial expressions and behavior to avoid upsetting them.

• You're Gaslighting Yourself: You find yourself making mental excuses for their abusive behavior. You also ignore your own intuition.

How Can You Leave a Traumatizing Narcissist?

Every situation is different, so only you can judge whether these steps would work for you.

Leaving a relationship with a traumatizing narcissist can be tricky depending upon the circumstances. It will require careful planning and your safety and emotional preservation are your top priorities.

Prioritize Safety

• Keep Your Plans Private: Strategic silence is often necessary because if a traumatizing narcissist senses they are losing control over you, they will escalate their abusive behavior.

• Secure Essential Documents: Gather essential documents like your birth certificate, passport, financial records and other important documents.

• Establish Financial Independence: If necessary, secure emergency funds in a private account where only you have the account number and password.

• Update Digital Security: Change passwords on email, banking and social media accounts.

• Check For Tracking: Be mindful of location sharing settings on your phone, vehicles and shared devices.

Establish Boundaries

• Implement No Contact: Blocking phone numbers and social media helps to prevent emotional manipulation.

• Recognize "Hovering": Be prepared for attempts to pull you back into the relationship with gifts or manufactured "emergencies".

• Use the "Grey Rock" Method: If communication is necessary (e.g., you are co-parenting), keep interactions brief, business-like and devoid of emotional reaction.

• Keep Records: Save copies of communication in case a legal intervention or a restraining order becomes necessary.

Build a Support System

• Involve Trusted Individuals: Reach out to trusted family and friends who understand the situation to get emotional support. Don't isolate.

Get Emotional Support From Loved Ones

• Seek Professional Guidance: Trauma therapy can be a vital resource for healing from psychological and emotional abuse.

• Utilize Community Support: Familiar yourself with community organizations that offer legal support, housing or safety planning.

Focus on Your Own Emotional and Psychological Recovery

• Anticipate the Possibility of a "Smear Campaign": It's common for traumatizing narcissists to try to damage your reputation, especially when you leave them or they think you're about to leave them.

• Document the Reality: Keeping your own private record of the reasons for leaving can provide you with clarity especially when you have moments of doubt and you think about returning to your abusive partner.

• Prioritize Self Care: Focus on your physical, mental and emotional health. Eat nutritious meals. Get adequate sleep. Exercise at a pace that is healthy for you. Reconnect with personal friends, interests and hobbies.

Conclusion

If you have been in a relationship with a traumatizing narcissist, you know how devastating this can be emotionally, psychologically and physically to your nervous system.

The psychological damage stems from a calculated cycle of intense adoration/love bombing followed by systematic degradation, manipulation and gaslighting.

Get Help in Trauma Therapy

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who is a trauma therapist (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

Get Help in Trauma Therapy

Being able to work through the trauma of being in a relationship with a traumatizing narcissist can free you from your traumatic history so you can lead a fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

As a trauma therapist, I have helped many individual adults and couples over the years.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Understanding Reactive Parts of Your Personality From an IFS Parts Work Therapy Perspective

In my previous article, I focused on proactive parts (also known as "Managers") from an Internal Family Systems (IFS) parts work therapy perspective.

According to IFS therapy, we all have many different internal parts, which are also known as sub-personalities. This is a normal for everyone's personality.

The problem occurs when these subpersonalities (or parts) take on burdened roles due to trauma in order not to feel the emotional pain.

Understanding Reactive Parts of Your Personality in IFS

These burdened internal parts include:

• Proactive Protectors Parts (also known as "Managers")
• Reactive Protectors Parts (also known as "Firefighters")
• Emotionally Wounded Parts (also known as "Exiles")

Everyone also has a Core Self which is not a part. 

The Core Self is the essence of who you are (see my article: Understanding Your Core Self in IFS Therapy).

In this article, I'm focusing on reactive parts (also known as "Firefighters") in IFS therapy.

I'll be using the terms "reactive protector parts" and "Firefighters" interchangeably because they refer to the same parts.

Core Characteristics of Reactive ("Firefighter") Protector Parts

While proactive protector parts ("Managers") work to keep life orderly and prevent emotional distress from surfacing, Firefighters,which are reactive parts, act like the "emergency response team" of your system. 

Understanding Reactive "Firefighter" Parts in IFS

For instance, if a Manager (proactive part) fails and a wave of shame, trauma or terror breaks through into your consciousness, the Firefighter reacts immediately to "douse" the emotional flames by any means necessary.

The key characteristics of Firefighter parts include:

• Extreme Urgency: They operate with a desperate need to shift, fix or run away from a feeling immediately.

• Disregard For Consequences: Firefighters care only about immediate relief and survival and they completely ignore the long-term consequences of their actions.

• High Intensity: Their behaviors are often highly reflexive, powerful and overwhelming.

What Are Common Examples of Reactive ("Firefighter") Protectors?

Firefighter parts' sole objective is to stifle unbearable emotional pain, so they often employ drastic, impulsive and numbing behaviors. These can include:

• Numbing and Distraction: Compulsive screen scrolling, binge-watching, overeating and oversleeping (see my article: What Happens When You Numb Yourself From Feeling Emotional Pain?).

• Substance and Chemical Use: Binge drinking or abusing drugs to quickly alter or black out emotional states.

• Dissociation and Shutdown: Completely detaching from the body or experiencing a "freeze" response to escape from an overwhelming reality (see my article: What is Trauma-Related Dissociation?).

• Defensive Aggression: Sudden outbursts of rage or verbal attacks are meant to push others away before they can cause deeper hurt.

• High Risk Behaviors: Self-harm, reckless spending or impulsive decision-making are meant to replace emotional pain with physical sensation or high adrenaline.

How Can You Detect Your Reactive Internal Protector Parts ("Firefighters")?

Detecting your reactive parts requires tuning into sudden shifts in your impulses, behavior and physical sensations immediately after you feel emotionally vulnerable, rejected or overwhelmed. 

Since Firefighters react to "emergencies", you can catch them by tracking the exact moments you lose your typical sense of calm and control.

You can identify and map your Firefighter parts by watching for these four specific indicators:

1. The Trigger to Impulse

Firefighter parts, true to their reactive nature, are incredibly fast. You can detect them by paying attention to a sudden impulsive urge that arises immediately after an uncomfortable interaction, thought or emotion:

• The Pattern: As an example: You receive a critical text from your boss (the trigger). Within seconds, before you even consciously register that you feel hurt, angry or anxious, you have already opened up a food delivery app or a mobile game to numb your feelings by overeating.

• The Detection Clue: In the example above, look for behaviors that are automatic, as if you are on autopilot, where it feels like you "woke up" and realized what you were doing halfway through doing them (e.g., halfway through a binge).

2. Radical Shifts in Your Body

When a Firefighter takes over your system, your physical baseline changes instantly:

• The "Numb" or "Blank" State": A sudden drop in physical sensation, a feeling of floating away or your eyes glazing over indicates a dissociative or avoidant Firefighter putting out the emotional "fire" by disconnecting you from yourself.

Understanding Reactive Parts: The Numb or Blank Stare

• The "Tunnel Vision" Surge: A sudden spike in heat, jaw clenching or an overwhelming rush of adrenaline that demands immediate and sudden aggressive action indicates an angry or defensive Firefighter kicking in to push other people away.

3. Listening to the Post-Act "Internal Backlash"

Firefighters almost always carry negative consequences, so they are usually followed by an intense backlash from your Manager parts. 

For example, to find a Firefighter, you can trace backwards from an internal critic, which is a Manager part, to discover the Firefighter:

• The Detection Clue: If you snap out of a dissociated (trance-like) state and your  internal voice says, "Why did you do that again? You have no willpower. You ruined everything", look closely at the behavior the inner voice is criticizing. The part that committed the act, whether it was drinking, drugging, overeating or overspending, is the Firefighter and the part that is criticizing you is the Manager part.

4. Recognizing Common Firefighter Parts

Firefighters usually use specific types of strategies to change your emotional state. 

Reflect on whether you have reactive parts that fit one or more of these descriptions:

• The Soother/Numbing Part: Reaching for alcohol, weed or sugar to chemically dull your anxiety. The motto of this part is "This will just take the edge off."

• The Escapist/Distractor Part: Losing a lot of time to mindless scrolling, gaming or binge-watching. The motto of this part is "Let's just change the channel."

The Reactive Protector: The Escapist/Distractor

• The Impulsive Rebel Part: Abruptly quitting a job, spending money recklessly or picking an argument. The motto for this part is "Burn it down! Who cares!"

• The Sleep/Shutdown Part: Suddenly becoming completely exhausted and oversleeping (12-14 or more hours) when stressed. The motto of this part is "Go to sleep and pull the plug."

Questions For Self Reflection

To map your own system, ask yourself these questions:

• "What do I do when a feeling gets so big it feels like it will swallow me up?"

• "What are the behaviors in my life that I try hardest to hide from other people out of shame?"

• "When I feel completely overwhelmed, what is the very first urge that hits me?"

Conclusion

We all have subpersonalities or, as they are called in IFS, parts. This is normal.

For people who have experienced trauma, especially developmental trauma in childhood, these parts take on burdened roles in order to protect the emotionally wounded parts of these individuals.

One of the main objectives of IFS therapy is to help traumatized individuals who have burdened parts to release these burdens so they are free from their history of trauma.

Get Help in IFS Therapy

Although protector parts, both Managers and Firefighters, might feel like a natural part of your personality, over time they create problems for your physical, emotional and psychological well-being as well as your relationships.

Getting Help in IFS Parts Work Therapy

If you have tried unsuccessfully to work on your problems on your own or traditional talk therapy hasn't worked for you, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who is an IFS therapist so you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), IFS, Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have helped many individual adults and couples over time.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

IFS Parts Work Therapy is a Gentle Evidence-Based Trauma Therapy 

How Can IFS Parts Work Therapy Be Empowering? 

What is the Connection Between IFS Therapy and Neural Networks? 

Discovering Your Core Self in IFS Therapy 

Understanding Proactive Protector Parts of Your Personality From An IFS Parts Work Therapy Perspective

I have written about IFS (Internal Family Systems) in prior articles (see links for these articles. below).

Understanding Protector Parts From in IFS Therapy

As I've discussed in prior articles, from an IFS perspective, we all have many different internal parts or sub-personalities. This is a normal part of everyone's personality.

These internal parts include:

• Protectors (also known as "Managers")
• Firefighters
• Exiles

There is also a Core Self which is not a part. The Core Self is the essence of who you are (see my article: Understanding Your Core Self and Your Parts in IFS Therapy).

In this article, I'm focusing on protector parts.

In everyday terms, an internal protector part is an internal coping mechanism or a behavioral habit that acts early to prevent emotional pain, rejection or failure before it happens. 

Core Characteristics of a Proactive Protector Part

• Future Focused: It anticipates emotional or social danger and wants to prevent it.
• Control Oriented: It manages people, the environment and perception.
• Anxiety Driven: It operates out of fear of vulnerability.
• Unconscious: It usually operates outside of your awareness.

What Are Common Examples of Internal Proactive Protector Parts?

• The Over-Preparer: Over-researching every decision to avoid making a mistake
• The People-Pleaser: Agreeing with everyone to prevent conflict or rejection.
• The Cynic: Expecting the worst from people to avoid feeling disappointed
• The Hyper-Independent: Refusing help so you never rely on someone because you fear they might abandon you

What is the Internal Family System (IFS) Connection

In IFS therapy these protector parts are also known as "Manager" parts. Their primary job is to run your life daily life efficiently and keep your deep-seated emotional wounds completely buried. These wounds include: shame, loneliness or feeling unworthy or unlovable.

Why Are Proactive Protector Parts Considered a Double-Edged Sword?

While you might feel that protector parts keep you safe from immediate discomfort, they often backfire because over time they create:

• Exhaustion
• Prevent deep emotional intimacy
• Lock you into a rigid lifestyle
• Stop personal growth

How Can You Spot Your Proactive Internal Protector Parts?

You can spot proactive internal protectors by looking at your rigid habits, repetitive internal rules and your automatic behaviors designed to avoid discomfort. 

Understanding Protector Parts in IFS Therapy

Since these internal protectors mask themselves as being "just part of your personality", identifying them requires paying attention to how and why you react to daily stressors:

Listen to the Internal "Rule" Language

Proactive protectors run on a strict, conditional logic to keep you safe. 

Listen to your internal self-talk for absolute rules with "I must" or "If I don't":

• "If I don't do this perfectly, everyone will think I'm a fraud."

• "I must have a plan or everything will fall apart."

• "If I open up to them, they will eventually use it against me."

• "I need to fix their bad mood or they will leave me."

Identify Your "Always On" Behaviors

Look at your behaviors that feel compulsive or impossible to turn off. 

Proactive protectors rarely allow you to rest because they believe that lowering your guard will result in disaster:

• Hypervigilance: Constantly scanning people's faces, tone of voice or text messages for signs of anger, boredom or judgment (see my article: What is Hypervigilance?)

• Chronic Over-Scheduling: Keeping your calendar completely full so you never have quiet time to feel anxious or lonely

• Preemptive Exiting: Breaking off friendships or dating relationships the moment they get serious to avoid being rejected first

Track Your Emotional Triggers

When a proactive protector is triggered, you feel a sudden spike of anxiety, defensiveness or irritation that feels disproportionate to the situation.

Here is an example;

• The Trigger: A coworker offers helpful feedback on your project.

• The Protector's Reaction: Sudden intense anger or anxiety and an immediate urge to over-explain and justify your work.

• The Hidden Fear: If my work isn't flawless, I'm completely worthless.

Look For the "Fixer" Mentality

Notice how you handle other people's discomfort. 

Proactive protectors often try to manage other people's emotions so they can maintain the illusion of safety:

• You immediately offer solutions when someone wants to vent.
• You apologize constantly--even for things that are out of your control or not your fault.
• You modify your opinions to match the person you're talking to.

Look For Physical Tension in Your Body 

Proactive protectors don't just live in your mind--they live in your body too. They keep your nervous system in a low-grade, constant state of survival.

Examples include:

• Chronic tension in your jaw, shoulders or chest
• An inability to relax or sit still without feeling guilty
• A shallow breathing pattern when entering into social situations

Get Help in IFS Therapy

We all have many different parts of our personality and no parts are bad, but proactive protectors can have a negative impact on your everyday life and relationships.

Get Help in IFS Therapy

Proactive protectors feel like they are a natural part of your personality, but over time they can be exhausting and counterproductive.

An IFS therapist can help you to transform and heal proactive protector parts who are attempting to protect deeper emotional wounds (also known as "exiles").

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who is an IFS therapist so you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), IFS, Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

As a trauma therapist, I have helped many individual adults and couples over the years.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

What is a Trauma Therapist?

IFS Therapy is a Gentle Evidence-Based Trauma Therapy 

What is the Connection Between IFS Parts Work Therapy and Neural Networks? 

Looking at Depression From an IFS Perspective 

EMDR is a Mindfulness-Based Trauma Therapy

EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) is essentially a mindfulness-based trauma therapy (see my article: How EMDR Therapy Works).

EMDR is a Mindfulness-Based Trauma Therapy

Both EMDR and mindfulness are present-oriented and nonjudgmental using dual awareness to process disturbing memories. Both down-regulate the sympathetic nervous system (SNS) which reduces the emotional charge and the vividness of the trauma.

Here are the qualities that EMDR and mindfulness share in more detail:

Shared Mechanisms of EMDR and Mindfulness

• Dual Awareness and Waking Memory: EMDR uses bilateral stimulation (BLS) and mindfulness uses attentional anchors, like mindful breathing. Both mechanisms enable the brain's working memory to multitask which strips away the vividness of traumatic memories.

• The "Observer" Stance: EMDR's core prompt, "What are you noticing now?" or instructing the client to "stay to with it" is active mindfulness. It shifts the brain away from identification with trauma and treats thoughts and bodily sensations as transient phenomena.  

• Adaptive Information Processing (AIP): Both practices engage the brain's natural capacity to heal. Just as mindfulness promotes "decentering" (stepping back from negative thoughts), EMDR removes the "splinter" of dysfunctional memory networks so the mind can integrate them adaptively.

Integration in Therapy

• Stabilization: Therapists use evidence-based mindfulness strategies, like grounding and containment exercises to build distress tolerance before dealing with traumatic memories.

• Somatic Awareness: Both frameworks require deep body awareness which helps clients to track physical sensations without spiraling (see my article: The Mind-Body Connection: What is Somatic Awareness?).

Mindfulness exercises for EMDR stabilization (Phase 2) are somatic and sensory tools designed to anchor you in the present, manage distress and prevent emotional flooding before trauma processing begins:

Key EMDR stabilization exercises include:

• Relaxing Place Exercise: You identify a real or an imaginary place that brings you a deep sense of peace.  Then, you focus on vivid sensory details: sight, sound, texture and temperature. EMDR therapists often pair this with bilateral stimulation to neurologically reinforce the feeling of calm and safety (see my article: What is the Relaxing Place Exercise?).

A Relaxing Place Exercise

• The Container Exercise: This exercise helps you to mentally store overwhelming emotions, body sensations and traumatic memories. You picture placing distressing thoughts into a secure container, like a locked chest or vault, closing it and leaving it safely put away until you are ready to process it again with your EMDR therapist.

• The 5-4-3-2-1 Grounding Technique: This sensory awareness exercise pulls you out of traumatic memories or dissociation by bringing your focus to the present room. You actively notice: 
• 5 things you can see
• 4 things you can physically feel or touch
• 3 things you can hear
• 2 things you can smell
• 1 thing you can taste

• The Butterfly Hug: This is a self-administered bilateral stimulation technique where you cross your arms over your chest, placing hands on opposite shoulders or collarbones, and giving alternating gentle taps on your right and left sides or focusing on a calm thought to self soothe when you feel triggered (see my article: What is the Butterfly Hug?).

EMDR Butterfly Hug

• Dual Awareness: One Foot in the Present and One Foot in the Past: This is a mindfulness practice where you learn to observe a distressing emotion or memory while simultaneously keeping your awareness on your body in the present moment. You might tell yourself something like, "A memory is coming up, but that happened in the past and I'm safe in this room right now."

Get Help in EMDR Therapy

EMDR therapy is a mindfulness-based therapy to overcome trauma.

Get Help in EMDR Therapy

If you have been unable to work through traumatic memories on your own or in traditional talk therapy, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who is an EMDR therapist.

Rather than suffering with unresolved trauma, seek help in EMDR therapy so you can free yourself from your traumatic history and live a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), IFS, Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have helped many individual adults and couples over the years.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

 

Understanding Why An Emotional Block Might Be Preventing You From Crying

If you have ever felt like your tears of sadness are "stuck", you know the frustration of feeling an emotional block (also known as emotional numbing). This often happens when your nervous system feels overwhelmed and enters into a self-protective "freeze" response.

Trauma Responses: The Freeze Response

You might feel the intense pressure of a lump in your throat, but your mind perceives this type crying as a potential threat to your emotional survival and safety. This "freeze" response is known as a trauma response. 

What Are the Reasons Why Your Tears Might Feel "Stuck"?

• Your Nervous System "Freeze" Response: When you experience prolonged stress or intense trauma, your sympathetic nervous system (SNS) can become overloaded. Instead of triggering a fight-or-flight response, your body reacts with a survival mechanism called dissociation (also known as a dorsal vagal shutdown).  Your brain reduces the intensity of your emotions to protect you from being overwhelmed by them. This response acts like a "circuit breaker" that cuts off power to your tear ducts (see my article: What is Trauma-Related Dissociation?)

Trauma Responses: The Freeze Response 

• Emotional Exhaustion and Burnout: Crying is an active biological process that requires emotional energy. If you have been trying to "hold it together" for months or even years, your emotional reserves can become depleted. The sadness is there, but your body might not have the stamina to release the tears.

Emotional Exhaustion and Burnout

• Unconscious Conditioning and Safety Walls: If you grew up in a household where there were rules that you shouldn't cry or you were punished for showing emotional vulnerability, these experiences can teach your brain to suppress tears. If you might ahve been given the message that you had to be "independent" when you were a child so you had to keep your emotions suppressed. In addition, forcing yourself to "power through" can leave you with no room to pause, soften, feel your feelings and cry.  

Being Scolded For Crying as a Child?

• Mental Health Conditions: Even though depression is usually associated with sadness, it frequently shows up as emotional blunting or anhedonia. This can make you experience your feelings as "flat" which makes tears inaccessible.

How to Safely Release Blocked Emotions in Experiential Therapy

You can't force an emotional release by trying to force yourself to cry because when you put that kind of pressure on yourself, your nervous system tightens up even more. In order for you release pent up emotions, you need to have a sense of safety so your body can gently release the emotions.

When you are dealing with "stuck" emotions, traditional talk therapy can be too much of an intellectual process that keeps you in your head. You might gain intellectual insight into your problems, but you don't get an emotional release.

The most effective therapies for processing trauma and releasing "stuck" emotions are mind-body oriented therapies, also known as Experiential Therapies (see my article: Why is Experiential Therapy More Effective For Healing Trauma Than Traditional Talk Therapy?).

The following are some of the main types of Experiential Therapy:

• Somatic Experiencing (SE): SE was developed by Dr. Peter Levine. SE treats emotional numbness as trapped survival energy from past stress or trauma. An SE therapist helps you to slow down so you can track subtle sensations (warmth, tingling, tightness) rather than asking you to only talk about what you're experiencing. By slowly introducing small amounts of "stuck" energy at a time (a process called "titration" in SE), your nervous system gently "thaws out" of its freeze response without becoming overwhelmed (see my article:  What Are the Benefits of SE to Heal Trauma?).

Somatic Experiencing Therapy

• Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR): While EMDR is usually associated with the bilateral stimulation process it uses, it is deeply rooted in how the body stores distressing memories. During the processing phase of EMDR, you focus on a particular memory or, if you are stuck in a freeze response, you focus on the physical feeling of numbness and where you feel it in the body. Then you follow either a physical or tactile bilateral stimulus. EMDR can help you to process "stuck" emotional information. Over time, this can lead to a somatic discharge like crying or a deep sense of physical relief when your body and mind feel safe enough to do it (see my article: How Does EMDR Therapy Work: EMDR and the Brain).

EMDR Therapy

• Internal Family Systems (IFS) Parts Work Therapy: In IFS an inability to cry due to a trauma-related freeze response is viewed as a protective strategy rather than a "broken" emotional system.  From an IFS perspective, this freeze response shields you from being overwhelmed by grief, fear or overwhelming sadness. In traditional psychotherapy the freeze response is often viewed as a symptom to eliminate, but in IFS the freeze response is appreciated as a protective aspect of the client. An IFS therapist uses the process called "unblending" to help the client to step away from the freeze response so that they can access Core Self, which is a part that is compassionate and curious to get to the underlying emotional wound that the emotional numbing protects (see my article: IFS Therapy is a Gentle Evidence-Based Trauma Therapy).

IFS Parts Work Therapy

• Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy (AEDP): An AEDP therapist treats the freeze response with a safe relational environment that gently helps to "thaw out" the nervous system. One of AEDP's primary goals is to "undo aloneness" where the therapist uses attachment-oriented affirmation ("I am here with you" or "We are doing this together") to build a secure base. When the brain registers true relational safety, the nervous system naturally begins to release it's survival-driven emotional numbing. The AEDP therapist also uses moment-to-moment tracking of the client's somatic cues. She will bring awareness to these somatic cues ("I notice that your jaw seems tight" or "I notice that your breath seems shallow. Can we slow down so we can see what's happening there?" Similar to IFS, AEDP recognizes that emotional numbing was once an adaptive defense when it wasn't possible to express emotions. So, she helps the client to process the emotional numbing. When the client begins to "thaw" from the emotional numbing, the therapist shares the emotional burden, validating the client's feelings and keeping the client anchored within their "window of tolerance" so that this energy can be discharged in a way that is manageable for the client (see my article: What is AEDP and How Does It Heal Trauma?).

What Are the Benefits of Integrating Experiential Therapies Like EMDR, IFS, AEDP and SE?

When an Experiential Therapist integrates EMDR, IFS, AEDP and SE (or any combination of these therapies), it means she is practicing an integrative trauma-informed "bottom up" approach to healing trauma.

Rather than using an intellectual top-down approach of talking about trauma conceptually, as would be done in traditional psychotherapy, the Experiential Therapist targets how trauma is held in the mind and in the nervous system. 

By using a combination of Experiential Therapy, the trauma therapist builds a complete plan that addresses the cognitive, emotional, relational and physical layers of your trauma. 

Get Help in Experiential Therapy

Whereas traditional psychotherapy is a "top down" approach, Experiential Therapies are a  "bottom up" approach to healing trauma.

Get Help in Experiential Therapy

The bottom-up approach of Experiential Therapy is often more effective than a top-down approach because because trauma, intense anxiety and emotional stress are stored in the lower brain regions and the autonomic nervous system which rational thoughts and traditional talk therapy cannot access.

If you are struggling with unresolved trauma, seek help in Experiential Therapy so you can heal your trauma and lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), IFS, Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have helped many individual adults and couples over the years.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

EMDR Therapy - When Talk Therapy Isn't Enough 

Somatic Experiencing - A Mind-Body Oriented Therapy to Heal Trauma 

AEDP: How Does AEDP Process Emotions? 

IFS: How Are Emotions Processed in IFS Parts Work Therapy?