How Can Unresolved Trauma Affect Your Ability to Know Whether You Feel Emotionally Safe?

In my prior article, Recognizing When You're Safe or Unsafe in Your Interpersonal Relationships, I discussed basic issues about feeling emotionally safe based on your nervous system (Polyvagal Theory), personal history and other relevant factors.

In the current article I'm discussing how trauma can affect your ability to know whether you feel emotionally safe.

Unresolved Trauma and Emotional Safety

Unresolved trauma can have a profound effect on your mind and body. It can also impair your ability to know whether you're safe or not.

What is Psychological Trauma?

Before I discuss the impact of trauma, let's first define trauma.

You can experience trauma emotionally, psychologically and physically due to a distressing event (or events) that overwhelm your ability to cope.

The event can be a single incident like a natural disaster, a robbery, an assault or other types of one-time events (see my article: What is Shock Trauma?).

Trauma can also be ongoing events such as recurrent abuse in a relationship. It can also be related to repeated traumatic events in childhood trauma, also known as developmental trauma.

You can also be impacted by the chronic stress related to trauma on a physical level including:

• Sleep problems
• Chronic pain
• Hypervigilance
• Cardiovascular issues
• Weakened immune system
• Digestive problems
• Inflammatory disorders such as Type 2 diabetes, asthma, arthritis and so on

How Can Unresolved Trauma Affect Your Ability to Know Whether You Feel Safe?

Unresolved trauma can affect your ability to sense safety by keeping you in a constant state of high alert (also known as hypervigilance). This can make it difficult to interpret safe situations from dangerous situations.

Unresolved Trauma and Emotional Safety

Unresolved trauma can also create dissociation where you feel emotionally and psychologically numb. 

Dissociation might have been an effective survival strategy if you were overwhelmed by distressing events when you were a child because it kept you from being completely overwhelmed. However, as an adult, dissociation can have a negative impact on your ability to trust your own judgment or trust other people.

Being either hypervigilant or emotionally numb (dissociated) can impair your ability to know if certain situations are safe or unsafe.

In general, you might have problems connecting with others and forming healthy relationships because you might interpret safe situations as unsafe and unsafe situations as safe.

You might have extreme emotional reactions to relatively small stressors, not react to big stressors or you might have difficulty finding a middle ground.

Unresolved Trauma and Emotional Safety

Unresolved trauma can also impair your ability to deal with conflict. Whereas most people don't like conflict, you might not be able to avoid certain conflicts in your relationships. 

So, if you can't deal with conflict, you might resort to people pleasing (also known as fawning) to avoid conflict and keep the peace--even if it comes at the expense of your  psychological, emotional or physical well-being.

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette is a composite of many different cases to protect confidentiality:

Anna

As an only child, Anna grew up in a family where she experienced emotional abuse, neglect and sexual abuse by her father.  

Unresolved Trauma and Emotional Safety

The sexual abuse began when she was 10 years old. At the time, her mother was in and out of the hospital due to serious chronic health problems. 

During those long stretches of time when her mother was away, her father, who had alcohol problems, would get drunk and come into her room late at night when Anna was sleeping. She would awaken suddenly to discover her father fondling her breasts.  

Not knowing how to respond, Anna froze and her father told her that if she told anyone else that he touched her, she would take her away by Child Welfare and they would make live with strangers in a foster care home.

Anna was frightened and confused by her father's inappropriate touching, but she was even more afraid of being forced to live with strangers, so she didn't tell anyone what was happening at home.

Her teacher noticed that Anna was withdrawn and she spoke to Anna after class to ask her if there was a problem at home. In response, Anna denied any problems at home because she was afraid. After that, Anna's teacher called her home and Anna's father told the teacher that Anna was feeling sad due to the mother's hospitalization.

The father continued to sexually abuse Anna for several months whenever he got drunk. After the first experience, Anna was hypervigilant at night, especially when she heard her father's footsteps approaching her room.  After a while, Anna pretended to be asleep and she numbed herself while her father was touching her. 

After Anna's maternal aunt came to stay with Anna and her father, her father no longer visited her at night.  

As a child, Anna never told anyone about the sexual abuse because she was too afraid. But when she began dating in college, she didn't know how to discern safe situations from unsafe situations.

Her lack of discernment created problems for her because she would sometimes put herself at potential risk by going into the cars of young men she didn't know because she thought she could trust them. In one incident, she was almost sexually assaulted, but her friends, who were nearby, heard Anna yelling and they rushed over to get her out of the car.

In another situation, she was too afraid to accept an invitation to go for a walk with another young man, John, because she didn't know whether or not she could trust him.  Later on, she spoke with her friends, who knew John well, and they told they didn't think she needed to worry.

Over time, Anna continued to see John and she realized she could trust him. Getting to the point where she could trust him wasn't easy. But after they got into a relationship and they talked about being sexual, Anna felt an overwhelming fear of sex. 

Initially, she didn't understand what her fear was about, but she knew she needed help, so she sought out a licensed mental health professional.

Unresolved Trauma and Emotional Safety

After her therapist did a thorough family history, Anna revealed the childhood sexual abuse. It was the first time she had ever told anyone.

Her therapist helped Anna to understand the connection between the sexual abuse and her inability to discern whether she was safe or not in interpersonal relationships. She also helped her to understand the connection between her fear of sex and the abuse.

Using a combination of EMDR therapy and IFS Parts Work therapy, her therapist helped Anna to work through her unresolved trauma.

EMDR and IFS are both safe and effective types of trauma therapy which were developed to help clients to work through unresolved trauma.

Unresolved Trauma and Emotional Safety

The work was neither quick nor easy but, gradually, over time Anna began to feel unburdened by her trauma. She also learned in her trauma therapy how to detect internal and external cues to discern safe situations from possibly unsafe situations.

Over time, Anna and John were able to have pleasurable sex as she worked through her trauma. 

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

Unresolved trauma can impair your ability to know whether you're safe. It can also have a negative impact on your interpersonal relationships.

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

Trauma therapy, including EMDR, Parts Work therapy, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing and other types of trauma therapy can help you to work through unresolved trauma in a safe and effective way.

If you feel unresolved trauma has had a negative impact in your life, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who has advanced trauma therapy training and skills.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

As a trauma therapist, I have helped many individual adult and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at 917-742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Recognizing When You Feel Safe or Unsafe in Your Interpersonal Relationships

Recognizing when you feel safe or unsafe in interpersonal situations is important to your health, mental health and overall well-being.

Feeling Safe in Your Relationship

What is the Polyvagal Theory?

Before I provide suggestions on how to know if you're safe or unsafe, I would like to discuss the Polyvagal Theory as it relates to this topic. 

Understanding the basics of the Polyvagal Theory can also help you to understand your mental health, physical health, how you react when you feel safe and how you react when you feel unsafe.

Polyvagal theory, which was developed by Dr. Stephen Porges, emphasizes the role of the autonomic nervous system, especially the vagus nerve, in regulating our health, mental health and overall well-being.

The theory describes physiological/psychological states underlying daily behavior, including physical and emotional challenges.

The theory helps us to understand how psychological safety, co-regulation, and connection are essential to our physical and psychological existence.

How is the Polyvagal Theory Related to the Nervous System?

The theory describes how the nervous system responses to danger: Fight, flight or freeze.

The following descriptions provide a look at the three states of the nervous system:

• Safe (Social Engagement): When you feel safe, your nervous system is calm and relaxed. You can connect with others, feel your emotions and be yourself because you're not experiencing a threat.

• Mobilization (Fight or Flight): When your nervous system detects danger in your environment, either a physical or psychological danger, it activates the fight or flight response. Your heart rate and breathing increase and adrenaline is released to prepare you to either fight the threat or escape from it.

• Immobilization: If fight or flight isn't a viable option, your nervous system moves into the immobilization or freeze response. This is a survival strategy where the body automatically shuts down, the heart and blood pressure drop and you might feel numb or disconnected. This is the "play dead" response seen in animals as their last survival response when they are faced with overwhelming danger.

In addition, over time, the Polyvagal Theory was updated to include the fawn and appeasement response.

The description I have provided above for the Polyvagal Theory is very basic. For more information and an easy way to understand the Polyvagal Theory, listen to Polyvagal Theory Made Simple by Claire Weston.

Your Nervous System Acts Like Your "Personal Surveillance System"

Your nervous system acts like your "personal surveillance system" asking the question: "Am I safe?"

When you're interacting with others, if you feel safe and calm, your social engagement system is activated because you're not experiencing a threat in the environment.

If you feel threatened either psychologically or physically, your system goes into a mobilization state while you're trying to figure out if you will need to fight or escape.  

Feeling Unsafe in Fight or Flight Response

If you can't fight because the danger is too overwhelming, your body is activated to run before you're even aware of it consciously. For instance, if you're walking down a dark street and you encounter a threatening group of people who make dangerous gestures towards you, you know you're outnumbered so all you can do is run.

Feeling Unsafe and Immobilized 

Using the same example, if you can't fight or run from the danger, your body will go into the immobilization state. This is an involuntary survival tactic when there is no escape. The immobilization state can be seen in the animal world when, for instance, a deer "plays dead" when it is about to be attacked by a tiger. This is the deer's last ditch effort to survive. The tiger will often lose interest in the deer once it "plays dead" because it prefers live prey and it knows instinctively that, if the deer is dead, dead meat might be diseased.

The immobilization response in humans allows the system to conserve energy. The numbing effect of the immobilization response can also create a decrease in the perception of pain, which can be helpful if an attack can't be avoided.

Once again, it's important to remember that this immobilization response is a survival response--it's not a conscious decision. 

How is the Immobilization Response Related to Trauma?

The immobilization response is also associated with overwhelming or traumatic events.

The following example is a composite of many cases to protect confidentiality:

Jane

One day when Jane was in the company break room, her coworker, Jim, approached her to ask her out for a date.

Since Jane wasn't interested in Jim, she looked away and told him she was too busy to go out.  

She was about to leave the break room when Jim, who was annoyed, cornered her in an aggressive way and said, "What do you mean? You don't ever have time to go out with me? Why don't you like me?"

In that moment, Jane, who had a childhood history of sexual abuse,  automatically froze. She was completely numb and dissociated because Jim's aggressive response triggered how she felt when her father abused her.  She was so numb that she couldn't think much less call out for help (see my articles: Why is Past Trauma Affecting You Now? and What is Trauma-Related Dissociation?).

A few seconds later, their supervisor came into the break room and realized what was happening. He told Jim to go back to his office. Then, he helped Jane to calm down. 

Afterwards, the supervisor and Jane reported the incident to human resources. Since human resources had prior similar complaints about Jim, he was terminated.

Over time, Jane realized she needed help to overcome the original abuse by her father, so she sought help in trauma therapy (see my article: How Can Trauma Therapy Help You to Overcome Trauma?).

People who don't understand the immobilization response or who have never been in a similar situation will often question why someone like Jane didn't either stand up for herself or push past Jim. But someone in Jane's situation can't fight or escape because her nervous system shut down due to prior unresolved trauma.

How to Recognize When You Feel Safe or Unsafe in Your Interpersonal Relationships

If you want to assess whether you feel safe or unsafe in your personal relationships, you can pay attention to your internal state:

Assess Your Internal State

• Do you feel calm?

• Do you have an embodied felt sense of being safe or unsafe?

An Embodied Feeling of Calm and Safety

• Do you feel comfortable being somewhat vulnerable when it's appropriate to do so?

• Do you feel comfortable setting limits or saying "no" without expecting repercussions from the other person or feeling guilty or ashamed?

Assess Their Attitude, Behavior and Physical Cues

• Do they respect your boundaries, including your personal space and time without trying to control you?

• Do they respect your thoughts and feelings or do they try to invalidate you if they don't agree?

• Are they attentive when you speak? Do they engage in active listening? Are they there for you in good times and bad?

Active Listening

• Do their actions match their words? Are they emotionally reliable? Do they follow through with their commitments?

• Do they encourage you? Do they celebrate your successes? Do they support you when you have challenges?

• Do they handle disagreements calmly and maturely so you don't have to worry about your personal safety either on an emotional or physical level?

• What does their body language tell you about their emotional state? Pay attention to vocal tone, eye contact, posture and facial expressions because their body language can indicate whether you are safe or not.

In a future article I'll discuss why many traumatized individuals have problems detecting whether they are safe in their interpersonal relationships.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you have been struggling with unresolved problems, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who has an expertise in helping clients with these  types of problems.

Getting Help in Therapy

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed psychotherapist so you can resolve your problems and lead a more meaningful life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapies), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

For over 25 years I have helped many individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Article: What Are Glimmers and How Do They Give You a Sense of Ease, Safety and Joy?

What is Transference in Relationships?

I discussed the topic of transference in prior articles as it relates to psychotherapy (see the list of articles at the end of this article).

In the current article, I'm focusing on transference in relationships.

Aside from the transference that clients experience in therapy, transference can also occur in everyday relationships, especially romantic relationships.

Transference in Relationships

In general, transference occurs on an unconscious level when you redirect feelings, attitudes and behavior from the past onto a person in your current life. These can be both positive and negative feelings.

Transference can cause you to react to someone in your current life as if they were someone from your past.  Transference tends to happen more in intimate relationships.

This often leads to misunderstandings in your relationship and emotional responses that don't belong to the present relationship.  This usually occurs because you have unresolved issues from the past that get played out in your relationship.

One of the keys to having healthier relationships is to recognize and understand when you're transferring these feelings and attitudes from the past into your present circumstances (see my article: Learning to Separate Then From Now).

What Does Transference Look Like in Relationships?

• Redirecting Feelings: You redirect feelings from the past onto your current partner. 

• Unconscious Behavior: When you redirect feelings from the past onto your partner, this happens on an unconscious level. For instance, let's say you grew up with a critical father when you were a child and, now that you're an adult, your partner tries to be supportive by making a suggestion about how you can do something in a better way. If you're experiencing transference for your partner, you could hear their suggestion as being critical when it's not. If so, you could experience unexplained anxiety, anger or resentment towards your partner--similar to what you felt towards your critical father. You might get confused about your feelings in the current circumstances because the trigger is outside of your awareness (see my article: Coping With Triggers).

Transference in Relationships

• Replaying Old Patterns: You can replay old patterns from the past in your current relationship and, over time, this leads to unhealthy dynamics between you and your partner.

• Intense Reactions: As mentioned above, reacting to your partner as if they were someone from your past can lead to disproportionate reactions in your current relationship (see my article: Reacting to the Present Based on Your Past).

How Can You Manage Transference in Your Current Relationship?

• Develop Awareness: Notice when your reactions seem out of proportion to the situation. Ask yourself:
• Why am I having such a strong reaction to my partner when they're trying to be supportive?
• Have I felt this way before?
• When have I felt this way before?
• What was happening in that past situation?
• How do these feelings from the past remain unresolved for me?

• Be Aware of the Differences Between the Past and the Present: Be aware of how your partner is different from the person in your past. This is often easier said than done when you're trying to do it on your own (see my article: Making the Unconscious Conscious).

• Separate the Past From the Present: Make an effort to separate your past self from your present self. For instance, recognize that you're no longer a child struggling with this issue when you experienced it in the past. Also, separate your partner as an individual from the person you reacted to in the past. 

Transference in Relationships

• Communicate: Once you realize you reacted to your partner as if they were someone from the past, communicate this openly to your partner. This can help your partner to understand why you had such a strong reaction towards them. It can also help you to express your feelings under the current situation (as opposed to the past). You can also get clarification from your partner as to what they were actually trying to communicate to you as opposed to what you thought they were saying.

• Seek Help in Therapy: A licensed mental health professional, who is a trauma therapist, can help you to explore the origins of these feelings, learn how to cope with them and, ultimately, learn how to work through whatever unresolved traumatic feelings you have from the past (see my article: Working Through Unsolved Trauma From the Past So It No Longer Affects You in the Present).

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette is a composite of many different cases with all identifying information changed to protect confidentiality:

Jim

Jim and his wife, Tina, usually got along well. But whenever Jim heard Tina telling him how he could be more organized, no matter how kind and supportive she tried to say it, Jim experienced her comments as critical and he reacted angrily.

Transference in Relationships

Immediately after he reacted, he realized his reaction was out of proportion to what Tina was saying to him and he felt confused, guilty and ashamed. Then, he would apologize to Tina and tell her, "I'm sorry. I don't know what came over me. I realize now you're trying to be supportive, but when you said it, I got angry."

Tina usually accepted Jim's apology, but after this occurred several times, she suggested he get help in therapy because she was fed up with his reactions. 

She told him, "I'm afraid to make any kind of suggestion to you, but now that you're calm again, I think you should get help in therapy because you keep having these big reactions and I'm getting fed up."

Jim realized that, even though he felt regret and remorse for overreacting, if he continued to react this way towards Tina, she might leave him. So, he obtained a referral from his primary care physician for psychotherapy.

Jim's doctor referred him to a trauma specialist.

After getting a thorough family history, the trauma therapist helped Jim to realize his reaction belonged to unresolved issues with his father. She told him he was reacting to Tina as if she was his critical father.

Jim told his therapist that his father had a hair trigger temper and whenever Jim made a mistake as a child, instead of trying to be supportive and helpful, his father would lose his temper and criticize Jim.

Jim recalled that, over the course of his childhood, his father yelled at him many times for small mistakes. His father also humiliated him in front of his friends and other family members which left Jim feeling ashamed, angry and upset.

Since Jim's father died, it was no longer possible for Jim to work out these issues with him. But Jim also knew that even if his father was still alive, his father wouldn't have been open to talking about it.

Over time, Jim's therapist helped him to work through his unresolved feelings from the past using EMDR and Parts Work Therapy. 

The work was neither quick nor easy, but Jim stuck with it because he wanted to save his marriage and he didn't want to continue to reacting in the present based on unresolved issues from the past.

As Jim learned to be aware of the present versus the past and to communicate better with Tina, their relationship improved.

By the time he completed trauma therapy, Jim felt relieved to no longer being carrying a burden from the past.

Conclusion

Transference occurs on an unconscious level when you redirect feelings, attitudes and behavior from the past to someone in your present life.

Transference can occur in any relationship including with your partner, a friend, a family member or your therapist.

Getting Help in Therapy

When you learn to distinguish your unconscious feelings in the present from your unresolved feelings from the past, you can develop a more conscious awareness of what's happening to you.

Although you might realize after you react that you're really reacting to some unresolved issue from the past, your awareness might not be enough to keep you from continually reacting this way.

A licensed mental professional, who is trained to help clients to work through unresolved trauma is called a trauma therapist (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

A trauma therapist can help you to work through unresolved problems from the past so you're no longer getting triggered and overreacting with your partner.

Once you have worked through your unresolved problems, you can have a healthier relationship and live a more meaningful life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist

As a trauma therapist, I have helped many individual adults and couples to work through unresolved traumatic issues.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

My Other Articles About Transference:

What is Transference in Psychotherapy?

Psychotherapy and the Erotic Transference 

Boundary Violations in Therapy  

Psychotherapy and the Idealized Transference. 

What is Survivor Guilt in Family Dynamics?

Survivor guilt in family dynamics usually involves surviving one of the following when other family members have not:

• A traumatic incident
• A difficult or traumatic upbringing
• Achieving a better quality of life than other family members

Survivor Guilt 

Incidents such as the above often lead the "survivor" to feel a sense of remorse, guilt, worthlessness, undeserving as well as responsible for the fate of other family members who weren't as fortunate.

Survivor guilt is often irrational because these individuals usually weren't at fault for the other family members either not surviving or not doing as well as they did.

Key Aspects of Survival Guilt

• Traumatic Loss: A family member dies or suffers serious consequences and the person who experiences survival guilt did not. This might include:

• A car accident
• A natural disaster
• A medical problem

• Generational Trauma: Prior generations suffered under traumatic circumstances and the person who is from a younger generation, who didn't suffer, feels guilty for surviving or not having it "easier" than the previous generation (see my article: What is Intergenerational Trauma?):

• Family violence
• War
• Poverty and/or oppression
• Systemic violence
• Other atrocities, including the Holocaust and other forms of genocide

• Parental Guilt: A parent can experience survivor guilt that they passed on a gene to their child and the child has medical problems as a result. They can feel guilty even though they had no control over passing on this gene.

• Everyday Situations: If one family member achieves success while other family members are not as fortunate, the one who achieves success can feel guilty that they are fortunate while the others are not.  

How Does Survivor Guilt Manifest in Families?

Survival guilt can have a big impact on family relationships including:

• Social Withdrawal: The individual who has been more fortunate might isolate themselves from family activities as a way to avoid dealing with their guilt.

• Overprotectiveness: In order to avoid another loss, the individual who has been more fortunate might become overly protective of the other family members.

Survivor Guilt, Shame and Self Blame

• Shame and Self Blame: These individuals might dwell on how they could have done things differently to help family members--even if, objectively, there was nothing else they could have done (see my article: Self Blame and the Internal Critic).

• Difficulty Feeling Joy: They might believe they don't deserve to experience joy, happiness or success because they feel guilty that they are more fortunate than other family members.

• Atoning Behavior: In order to atone for their good fortune when other family members have suffered, these individuals might be overly giving so they can atone for their good fortune. This is another maladaptive coping strategy.

Clinical Vignettes

The following clinical vignettes are  composites of many different cases with all identifying information changed to protect confidentiality:

Alan

When Alan was 15, he and his 13 year old brother, Tom, went surfing at the beach during the off season, even though there were red flags posted warning swimmers to stay out of the water due to rough waves from a fast approaching hurricane. Since it was the off season, there were no lifeguards at the beach, but Alan and Tom had fun surfing under similar circumstances before, so they disregarded the warnings.  After a while, Alan took a break to rest on the shore and Tom stayed in the water.  After Alan dried himself off, he turned to call Tom to tell him to come out of the water, but Tom was nowhere to be seen. He jumped back into the water to try to find Tom to no avail and he became frantic. When a police car approached, they called a rescue team who found Tom's lifeless body an hour later. Alan was devastated with sadness and guilt. No one in the family blamed him for Tom's death, but as Tom's older brother, Alan felt responsible. His shame and self blame was so great that he became overly protective of his other younger siblings. Later on in life, he felt guilty that he had career success because Tom never had this opportunity. Alan often engaged in self sabotage and self destructive behavior including excessive drinking. One day his doctor warned him about the connection between excessive drinking and his high blood pressure. Then, he providing Alan with a referral for trauma therapy (see my article: How Can Trauma Therapy Help You to Overcome Unresolved Trauma?).

Linda

Even though her grandmother never discussed her experiences during the holocaust, Linda knew her grandmother spent time as a young child in a concentration camp in Poland. By the time Linda was born, her grandmother was doing well financially, but she lived like she was poor. Specifically, the grandmother hoarded food because she feared anything could happen where she might not have enough to eat. In addition, when she ate, the grandmother always ate sparingly and saved scraps of food for another day. As a result both Linda and her mother surmised that, as a child, the grandmother probably had very little to eat in the Treblinka concentration camp and now, as an adult, she was always afraid food would become scarce again. The impact on Linda was that she couldn't enjoy food in her grandmother's presence--even foods she normally enjoyed.  Her mother had a similar problem. As time went on, Linda realized she had a problem and she sought help in trauma therapy to prevent her problem from getting worse.

Sara

When she was a child, Sara heard many stories from her father about his family's severe poverty when he waa a child. Her father told her there were many days he and his siblings had nothing to eat. Even though they were hungry, they would tell their parents they weren't because they didn't want their parents to feel bad. Although Sara's parents were doing well financially by the time she was born, she always felt guilty whenever they bought her a gift or new clothes. She felt she didn't deserve to have more than her father had when he was a child. Later on in life when Sara had a successful career, she felt that no matter how much she tried to do for her parents, especially her father, she couldn't do enough. She felt guilty about her financial success and, as a way to assuage her guilt, she bought her parents many gifts--even though they told her they didn't need them.  One day her mother took Sara aside during a family gathering and told Sara she understood why she was buying them so many gifts but, she said, no matter how many gifts she bought them, she couldn't undo her father's childhood poverty. She told Sara that both she and the father wanted her to enjoy her life and they could see how guilt was eating away at her. She suggested Sara get help from a licensed mental health professional who did trauma therapy.

How Can Trauma Therapy Help With Survivor Guilt?

Trauma therapy is an umbrella term that include following types of therapy:

• EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing)

Survivor Guilt and Trauma Therapy

• Somatic Experiencing

• Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy)

• AEDP (Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Therapy)

These therapies were developed specifically to help clients to overcome trauma by:

• Processing the Trauma: To work through the trauma in a safe and structured way

• Developing Self Compassion: Helping clients to give themselves compassion to heal

Survivor Guilt and Self Compassion

• Challenging Negative Beliefs: To identity and challenge negative beliefs

• Developing Genuinely Positive Beliefs: Beliefs that are sincere and realistic about  themselves and others

• Grieving Losses: Grieving what has been lost is essential to healing from trauma (see my article: The Many Layers of Grief).

• Finding a New Purpose: Honoring their losses and channeling their guilt into meaningful behavior like volunteering

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

If you are struggling with unresolved problems, you're not alone. Help is available.

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who is trained as a trauma therapist.

Overcoming unresolved trauma can help you to live a more meaningful life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing, Parts Work Therapist (IFS and Ego States Therapy) and Certified Sex Therapist.

As a trauma therapist, I have helped many individual adults and couples to heal.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.