What is the Connection Between Secrets and Shame?

Secrets and shame are connected in many ways:

• Shame often drives keeping secrets.

• Keeping secrets creates more shame.

The Connection Between Secrets and Shame

• Shame and secret keeping often create an ongoing cycle of:
• Isolation
• Rumination
• Anxiety
  
• Guilt
• Negative self judgment
• Feelings of worthlessness
• Depression
  

How is Keeping Secrets Different From Maintaining Privacy?

While secrecy is often about concealing information due to shame or fear, maintaining privacy is about setting boundaries and choosing what information to share. 

Privacy usually doesn't involve shame or fear (see my article: Privacy vs Secrecy in a Relationship).

The Connection Between Secrets and Shame

A person who maintains privacy limits access to their life in terms of what they want to share, to whom and how much they want to share or not share.

The motivation for maintaining privacy is autonomy and personal space. An example of this is if a young child asks a parent how much money they earn and the parent knows the child can't handle this information in a responsible way, the parent might keep this information private until the child is mature enough to be responsible with it.

A person who maintains secrets is actively hiding something they feel ashamed about. Their motivation is to conceal something, avoid judgment or other negative consequences. An example of this is a husband who keeps a secret from his wife about gambling away his paycheck.

How Do Secrets Affect Relationships?

As previously mentioned, keeping secrets creates shame and shame can create secrets (see my article: Why Do People in Relationships Keep Secrets?).

• Fear of Being Judged as Having Flaws: People who keep secrets from loved ones often experience fear and shame that their loved ones will see them as flawed if they knew certain things about them. This might include their mental health status, financial struggles, addiction or similar issues.

The Connection Between Secrets and Shame

• Inauthentic and Emotionally Distant Relationships: Keeping secrets involves presenting an inauthentic self to loved ones. People who hide certain aspects of their life have to pick and choose what to tell their loved ones and keep track of what they have already told them. These secrets create emotional distance. Over time, as an individual continues to keep secrets, even if the other partner doesn't know what the secrets are, the emotional distance widens to the point where it can damage the relationship beyond repair.

• Betrayal and Mistrust: If the secret is discovered, the partner who discovers the secret feels betrayed and mistrusts for their partner. In many cases, depending upon the secret and the couple involved, a secret can ruin a relationship (see my article: Common Relationship Problems After Infidelity).

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical case is a composite of many cases with all personal information changed to protect confidentiality:

Jim

A big part of Jim's job was frequent travel around the country. He often had secret affairs while he was away and he never told his wife, Linda, about them because he considered them harmless. At the time, his attitude was: What she doesn't know won't hurt her.

Jim also liked the way he felt when he was able to attract women and have sex with them (see my article: The Connection Between Infidelity and the Need to Feel Desirable).

During a one week business trip to California, Jim met Tina at a hotel bar and they spent a few nights together. He told Tina he was married and he had no intention of leaving his wife. He said they could have fun together while he was in California, but their time together would never amount to more than that.

The Connection Between Secrecy and Shame

A month later Jim heard from Tina that she was pregnant with his child and she planned to have the baby. He told Tina that he wanted nothing to do with her or the child. He tried to convince her to have an abortion, but she insisted she would have the child. She also told him that, unless he gave her a large sum of money, she would contact his wife and tell her about the child.

Shocked and upset, Jim didn't know what to do. In the past, he had many affairs and there were never any consequences. After getting the call from Tina, he felt angry with himself for not using a condom and believing her that she was on a birth control pill. 

Jim didn't want to hurt Linda. He also feared that Linda would leave him if she found out about the affair and the pregnancy.  He felt deeply ashamed and, after thinking about it, he decided to ignore Tina's calls and keep the secret from Linda.

Although Linda didn't know his secret, she sensed something was off between her and Jim. She asked him numerous times if there was something wrong because she sensed he was emotionally distant from her. 

Jim denied there was anything wrong. Inwardly, his felt increasingly ashamed. He felt so awful that he thought he didn't deserve Linda. He developed anxiety, insomnia and ruminating thoughts about the end of his marriage.

A few months later, when Jim came home, he found Linda sitting on the couch looking very upset. His worst fears were confirmed when Linda told him she received a call from Tina about the affair and the pregnancy.  She told Jim she wanted to know the truth.

After much hesitation, Jim admitted that he had an affair and he heard from Tina that she was pregnant. He said that without a paternity test to confirm the baby was his, he wasn't sure if he was the father, but he feared that the baby might be his.

At Linda's request, Jim moved into a hotel. Linda said she needed time to think about whether she wanted to remain in the marriage. Although he had opportunities to have sexual affairs while he was at the hotel, he felt so depressed that he rejected women who approached him.

A month later, Linda said she wanted to attend couples therapy to see if their relationship could be salvaged. 

During couples therapy Jim admitted to having numerous affairs which he now regretted. He expressed sincere remorse. He also admitted he had been selfish and he now realized he put their relationship at risk. In response, Linda expressed her anger, hurt, disappointment and sense of betrayal.

Soon after that, Jim entered into his own individual therapy to understand the underlying reasons for why he cheated, to make changes and to try to save his marriage. 

Subsequently, a paternity test revealed that Jim wasn't the father of the baby. Linda decided to stay in couples therapy with Jim to see if they could repair their relationship and if she could regain trust in him.  She told him that she wasn't promising him anything but, after investing 20 years in their marriage, she wanted to give it a try (see my article: Rebuilding Trust After an Affair).

Conclusion

Secrets and shame are connected in an ongoing destructive cycle.

Keeping secrets is different from maintaining privacy for the reasons mentioned above.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you have been struggling with secrets, you could benefit from seeking help from a licensed mental health professional.

Getting Help in Therapy

Being able to talk about a long-held secret can provide you with a sense of relief. 

Although a psychotherapist can't tell you what to do, she can help you to sort out how the secret has been affecting you and your loved ones so that you can make decisions about what to do and how to change.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States) therapist, Somatic Experiencing and a Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

How to Stop Cheating and Repair Your Relationship

Toxic Family Secrets  

Breaking the Code of Silence in a Dysfunctional Family

The Psychological Stages of Forgiveness 

Being in the Role of the Affair Partner

What Are the Telltale Signs of a Serial Cheater 

When Trust Breaks Down in a Relationship: Lies of Omission

How Your Early Unmet Emotional Needs Might Be Affecting Your Relationship

Many adults who grew up with emotional neglect or abuse are unaware that they're expecting their partner to fulfill those needs (see my article: What is Childhood Emotional Neglect?).

Unmet Childhood Needs and Adult Relationships

They're unaware of it because these expectations are often unconscious and, therefore, outside of their awareness.

What Can You Reasonably Expect From Your Partner?

So let's look at what's reasonable to expect from a partner.

Your partner can fulfill many emotional needs including:

• Being trustworthy
• Fostering emotional safety
• Being supportive, loving and empathetic
• Being attuned and validating
• Showing appreciation

However, your partner can't make up for early unmet emotional needs from your childhood because those needs stem from early attachment wounds. 

Why Your Partner Can't Make Up For Your Unmet Childhood Needs

Here are some of the reasons why your partner can't make up for your early unmet emotional needs:

• Unmet Childhood Needs Stem From Early Attachment Trauma: Early abuse, emotional neglect or inconsistent care creates early attachment wounds. These conditions can also create insecure attachment and a need for constant reassurance or, conversely, an avoidance of emotional intimacy.

• A Child-Parent Dynamic in Your Adult Relationship: Without realizing it, adults who were emotionally neglected and/or abused can create a child-parent dynamic in their relationship where they expect their partner to provide them with the good parenting they didn't get as a child. This can create emotional and sexual problems in the relationship.

Unmet Childhood Needs and Adult Relationships

• Communication Problems: Many people whose emotional needs weren't met in childhood also learned as children not to ask for what they needed. This inability to ask for what they needed carries over into adulthood. It's not unusual for adults, who didn't get what they needed in childhood, to have childlike expectations that their partner will know what they need without telling their partner. This creates confusion, communication problems and resentment (see my article: Are You Expecting Your Partner to Be a Mind Reader?).

• Confusing Love and Codependency: When adults didn't get what they needed as children, they can confuse love and codependency rather than creating a relationship with healthy interdependency (see my article: What is the Difference Between Codependency and Interdependency?).

How to Cope With Unmet Childhood Needs as an Adult

• Recognize Your Misplaced Expectations: Accept that your partner can't provide you with the nurturance you didn't get as a child and that your partner can never make up for what you didn't get. What you didn't get is a loss and needs to be grieved so you can heal.

Unmet Childhood Needs and Adult Relationships

• Learn to Communicate Clearly: Be aware that if you have an unconscious expectation that your partner should know what you want before you ask, you are acting from a very young part of yourself. This is unrealistic and it's your responsibility to learn to communicate what you want in a clear, tactful way (see my article: Improving Communication in Your Relationship By Avoiding the "4 Horsement of the Apocalypse").

Unmet Childhood Needs and Adult Relationships

• Focus on Healing Yourself: Recognize and accept that your partner isn't your parent and that you need to focus on healing yourself or get help in trauma therapy so you can heal (see below).

• Get Help in Trauma Therapy: A licensed mental health professional who is trained as a trauma therapist can help you to heal from the unresolved trauma, including early unmet emotional needs. There are different types of trauma therapy:

• EMDR Therapy (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing)

• Parts Work Therapy: IFS (Internal Family Systems and Ego States Therapy)

• AEDP  (Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy)

• Somatic Experiencing
  

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

If you're struggling with unresolved trauma, you're not alone.

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

Rather than struggling alone, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who has an expertise in helping clients overcome trauma so you can live a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Parts Work Therapist (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing, EFT (for couples) and a Certified Sex Therapist.

As a trauma therapist, I have over 25 years of experience helping individual adults and couples to overcome trauma.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

 

 

How Can Unresolved Trauma Affect Your Ability to Know Whether You Feel Emotionally Safe?

In my prior article, Recognizing When You're Safe or Unsafe in Your Interpersonal Relationships, I discussed basic issues about feeling emotionally safe based on your nervous system (Polyvagal Theory), personal history and other relevant factors.

In the current article I'm discussing how trauma can affect your ability to know whether you feel emotionally safe.

Unresolved Trauma and Emotional Safety

Unresolved trauma can have a profound effect on your mind and body. It can also impair your ability to know whether you're safe or not.

What is Psychological Trauma?

Before I discuss the impact of trauma, let's first define trauma.

You can experience trauma emotionally, psychologically and physically due to a distressing event (or events) that overwhelm your ability to cope.

The event can be a single incident like a natural disaster, a robbery, an assault or other types of one-time events (see my article: What is Shock Trauma?).

Trauma can also be ongoing events such as recurrent abuse in a relationship. It can also be related to repeated traumatic events in childhood trauma, also known as developmental trauma.

You can also be impacted by the chronic stress related to trauma on a physical level including:

• Sleep problems
• Chronic pain
• Hypervigilance
• Cardiovascular issues
• Weakened immune system
• Digestive problems
• Inflammatory disorders such as Type 2 diabetes, asthma, arthritis and so on

How Can Unresolved Trauma Affect Your Ability to Know Whether You Feel Safe?

Unresolved trauma can affect your ability to sense safety by keeping you in a constant state of high alert (also known as hypervigilance). This can make it difficult to interpret safe situations from dangerous situations.

Unresolved Trauma and Emotional Safety

Unresolved trauma can also create dissociation where you feel emotionally and psychologically numb. 

Dissociation might have been an effective survival strategy if you were overwhelmed by distressing events when you were a child because it kept you from being completely overwhelmed. However, as an adult, dissociation can have a negative impact on your ability to trust your own judgment or trust other people.

Being either hypervigilant or emotionally numb (dissociated) can impair your ability to know if certain situations are safe or unsafe.

In general, you might have problems connecting with others and forming healthy relationships because you might interpret safe situations as unsafe and unsafe situations as safe.

You might have extreme emotional reactions to relatively small stressors, not react to big stressors or you might have difficulty finding a middle ground.

Unresolved Trauma and Emotional Safety

Unresolved trauma can also impair your ability to deal with conflict. Whereas most people don't like conflict, you might not be able to avoid certain conflicts in your relationships. 

So, if you can't deal with conflict, you might resort to people pleasing (also known as fawning) to avoid conflict and keep the peace--even if it comes at the expense of your  psychological, emotional or physical well-being.

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette is a composite of many different cases to protect confidentiality:

Anna

As an only child, Anna grew up in a family where she experienced emotional abuse, neglect and sexual abuse by her father.  

Unresolved Trauma and Emotional Safety

The sexual abuse began when she was 10 years old. At the time, her mother was in and out of the hospital due to serious chronic health problems. 

During those long stretches of time when her mother was away, her father, who had alcohol problems, would get drunk and come into her room late at night when Anna was sleeping. She would awaken suddenly to discover her father fondling her breasts.  

Not knowing how to respond, Anna froze and her father told her that if she told anyone else that he touched her, she would take her away by Child Welfare and they would make live with strangers in a foster care home.

Anna was frightened and confused by her father's inappropriate touching, but she was even more afraid of being forced to live with strangers, so she didn't tell anyone what was happening at home.

Her teacher noticed that Anna was withdrawn and she spoke to Anna after class to ask her if there was a problem at home. In response, Anna denied any problems at home because she was afraid. After that, Anna's teacher called her home and Anna's father told the teacher that Anna was feeling sad due to the mother's hospitalization.

The father continued to sexually abuse Anna for several months whenever he got drunk. After the first experience, Anna was hypervigilant at night, especially when she heard her father's footsteps approaching her room.  After a while, Anna pretended to be asleep and she numbed herself while her father was touching her. 

After Anna's maternal aunt came to stay with Anna and her father, her father no longer visited her at night.  

As a child, Anna never told anyone about the sexual abuse because she was too afraid. But when she began dating in college, she didn't know how to discern safe situations from unsafe situations.

Her lack of discernment created problems for her because she would sometimes put herself at potential risk by going into the cars of young men she didn't know because she thought she could trust them. In one incident, she was almost sexually assaulted, but her friends, who were nearby, heard Anna yelling and they rushed over to get her out of the car.

In another situation, she was too afraid to accept an invitation to go for a walk with another young man, John, because she didn't know whether or not she could trust him.  Later on, she spoke with her friends, who knew John well, and they told they didn't think she needed to worry.

Over time, Anna continued to see John and she realized she could trust him. Getting to the point where she could trust him wasn't easy. But after they got into a relationship and they talked about being sexual, Anna felt an overwhelming fear of sex. 

Initially, she didn't understand what her fear was about, but she knew she needed help, so she sought out a licensed mental health professional.

Unresolved Trauma and Emotional Safety

After her therapist did a thorough family history, Anna revealed the childhood sexual abuse. It was the first time she had ever told anyone.

Her therapist helped Anna to understand the connection between the sexual abuse and her inability to discern whether she was safe or not in interpersonal relationships. She also helped her to understand the connection between her fear of sex and the abuse.

Using a combination of EMDR therapy and IFS Parts Work therapy, her therapist helped Anna to work through her unresolved trauma.

EMDR and IFS are both safe and effective types of trauma therapy which were developed to help clients to work through unresolved trauma.

Unresolved Trauma and Emotional Safety

The work was neither quick nor easy but, gradually, over time Anna began to feel unburdened by her trauma. She also learned in her trauma therapy how to detect internal and external cues to discern safe situations from possibly unsafe situations.

Over time, Anna and John were able to have pleasurable sex as she worked through her trauma. 

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

Unresolved trauma can impair your ability to know whether you're safe. It can also have a negative impact on your interpersonal relationships.

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

Trauma therapy, including EMDR, Parts Work therapy, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing and other types of trauma therapy can help you to work through unresolved trauma in a safe and effective way.

If you feel unresolved trauma has had a negative impact in your life, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who has advanced trauma therapy training and skills.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

As a trauma therapist, I have helped many individual adult and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at 917-742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Recognizing When You Feel Safe or Unsafe in Your Interpersonal Relationships

Recognizing when you feel safe or unsafe in interpersonal situations is important to your health, mental health and overall well-being.

Feeling Safe in Your Relationship

What is the Polyvagal Theory?

Before I provide suggestions on how to know if you're safe or unsafe, I would like to discuss the Polyvagal Theory as it relates to this topic. 

Understanding the basics of the Polyvagal Theory can also help you to understand your mental health, physical health, how you react when you feel safe and how you react when you feel unsafe.

Polyvagal theory, which was developed by Dr. Stephen Porges, emphasizes the role of the autonomic nervous system, especially the vagus nerve, in regulating our health, mental health and overall well-being.

The theory describes physiological/psychological states underlying daily behavior, including physical and emotional challenges.

The theory helps us to understand how psychological safety, co-regulation, and connection are essential to our physical and psychological existence.

How is the Polyvagal Theory Related to the Nervous System?

The theory describes how the nervous system responses to danger: Fight, flight or freeze.

The following descriptions provide a look at the three states of the nervous system:

• Safe (Social Engagement): When you feel safe, your nervous system is calm and relaxed. You can connect with others, feel your emotions and be yourself because you're not experiencing a threat.

• Mobilization (Fight or Flight): When your nervous system detects danger in your environment, either a physical or psychological danger, it activates the fight or flight response. Your heart rate and breathing increase and adrenaline is released to prepare you to either fight the threat or escape from it.

• Immobilization: If fight or flight isn't a viable option, your nervous system moves into the immobilization or freeze response. This is a survival strategy where the body automatically shuts down, the heart and blood pressure drop and you might feel numb or disconnected. This is the "play dead" response seen in animals as their last survival response when they are faced with overwhelming danger.

In addition, over time, the Polyvagal Theory was updated to include the fawn and appeasement response.

The description I have provided above for the Polyvagal Theory is very basic. For more information and an easy way to understand the Polyvagal Theory, listen to Polyvagal Theory Made Simple by Claire Weston.

Your Nervous System Acts Like Your "Personal Surveillance System"

Your nervous system acts like your "personal surveillance system" asking the question: "Am I safe?"

When you're interacting with others, if you feel safe and calm, your social engagement system is activated because you're not experiencing a threat in the environment.

If you feel threatened either psychologically or physically, your system goes into a mobilization state while you're trying to figure out if you will need to fight or escape.  

Feeling Unsafe in Fight or Flight Response

If you can't fight because the danger is too overwhelming, your body is activated to run before you're even aware of it consciously. For instance, if you're walking down a dark street and you encounter a threatening group of people who make dangerous gestures towards you, you know you're outnumbered so all you can do is run.

Feeling Unsafe and Immobilized 

Using the same example, if you can't fight or run from the danger, your body will go into the immobilization state. This is an involuntary survival tactic when there is no escape. The immobilization state can be seen in the animal world when, for instance, a deer "plays dead" when it is about to be attacked by a tiger. This is the deer's last ditch effort to survive. The tiger will often lose interest in the deer once it "plays dead" because it prefers live prey and it knows instinctively that, if the deer is dead, dead meat might be diseased.

The immobilization response in humans allows the system to conserve energy. The numbing effect of the immobilization response can also create a decrease in the perception of pain, which can be helpful if an attack can't be avoided.

Once again, it's important to remember that this immobilization response is a survival response--it's not a conscious decision. 

How is the Immobilization Response Related to Trauma?

The immobilization response is also associated with overwhelming or traumatic events.

The following example is a composite of many cases to protect confidentiality:

Jane

One day when Jane was in the company break room, her coworker, Jim, approached her to ask her out for a date.

Since Jane wasn't interested in Jim, she looked away and told him she was too busy to go out.  

She was about to leave the break room when Jim, who was annoyed, cornered her in an aggressive way and said, "What do you mean? You don't ever have time to go out with me? Why don't you like me?"

In that moment, Jane, who had a childhood history of sexual abuse,  automatically froze. She was completely numb and dissociated because Jim's aggressive response triggered how she felt when her father abused her.  She was so numb that she couldn't think much less call out for help (see my articles: Why is Past Trauma Affecting You Now? and What is Trauma-Related Dissociation?).

A few seconds later, their supervisor came into the break room and realized what was happening. He told Jim to go back to his office. Then, he helped Jane to calm down. 

Afterwards, the supervisor and Jane reported the incident to human resources. Since human resources had prior similar complaints about Jim, he was terminated.

Over time, Jane realized she needed help to overcome the original abuse by her father, so she sought help in trauma therapy (see my article: How Can Trauma Therapy Help You to Overcome Trauma?).

People who don't understand the immobilization response or who have never been in a similar situation will often question why someone like Jane didn't either stand up for herself or push past Jim. But someone in Jane's situation can't fight or escape because her nervous system shut down due to prior unresolved trauma.

How to Recognize When You Feel Safe or Unsafe in Your Interpersonal Relationships

If you want to assess whether you feel safe or unsafe in your personal relationships, you can pay attention to your internal state:

Assess Your Internal State

• Do you feel calm?

• Do you have an embodied felt sense of being safe or unsafe?

An Embodied Feeling of Calm and Safety

• Do you feel comfortable being somewhat vulnerable when it's appropriate to do so?

• Do you feel comfortable setting limits or saying "no" without expecting repercussions from the other person or feeling guilty or ashamed?

Assess Their Attitude, Behavior and Physical Cues

• Do they respect your boundaries, including your personal space and time without trying to control you?

• Do they respect your thoughts and feelings or do they try to invalidate you if they don't agree?

• Are they attentive when you speak? Do they engage in active listening? Are they there for you in good times and bad?

Active Listening

• Do their actions match their words? Are they emotionally reliable? Do they follow through with their commitments?

• Do they encourage you? Do they celebrate your successes? Do they support you when you have challenges?

• Do they handle disagreements calmly and maturely so you don't have to worry about your personal safety either on an emotional or physical level?

• What does their body language tell you about their emotional state? Pay attention to vocal tone, eye contact, posture and facial expressions because their body language can indicate whether you are safe or not.

In a future article I'll discuss why many traumatized individuals have problems detecting whether they are safe in their interpersonal relationships.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you have been struggling with unresolved problems, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who has an expertise in helping clients with these  types of problems.

Getting Help in Therapy

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed psychotherapist so you can resolve your problems and lead a more meaningful life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapies), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

For over 25 years I have helped many individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Article: What Are Glimmers and How Do They Give You a Sense of Ease, Safety and Joy?