Overcoming Self Sabotaging Behavior in Your Relationship

Becoming aware of self-sabotaging behavior in a relationship can help you break destructive patterns that create emotional distance between you and your partner (see my article: Overcoming Recurring Patterns of Self Sabotaging Behavior).

 Emotional distance often begins as an unconscious defense mechanism to avoid vulnerability and anticipated rejection. 

What is Self-Sabotaging Behavior in Relationships?

Self-sabotaging behavior in relationships refers to conscious or unconscious actions driven by a fear of abandonment, low self-esteem, or unresolved trauma that ultimately undermine relationship stability. This destructive behavior often acts as a maladaptive defense mechanism to avoid anticipated emotional pain or rejection.

What Does Self-Sabotaging Behavior Look Like?

Recognizing the signs of self-sabotage is the first step toward healing. Common examples of self-sabotaging behavior in a relationship include:

• Creating Conflict and Drama: Picking fights over minor issues or being overly critical to manufacture a problem.
• Withdrawing and Stonewalling: Shutting down emotionally or physically exiting conversations when intimacy or conflicts arise. (Note: Individuals with an avoidant attachment style often withdraw due to nervous system overwhelm. This is distinct from malicious stonewalling; see my article: Improve Communication in Your Relationship By Eliminating the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse).
• Testing a Partner's Loyalty: Setting up unrealistic traps or tests to see how much a partner cares, which often creates a self-fulfilling prophecy of abandonment.
• Insecurity and Chronic Jealousy: Projecting personal insecurities, excessive monitoring, or comparing a current partner unfavorably to an ex (see my article: Jealousy Isn't Love).
• Ending Relationships Prematurely: Breaking up with someone out of fear of future rejection, essentially leaving before you can be left.
• Holding Onto Grudges and Resentment: Refusing to let go of past minor mistakes, which prevents relationship repair and creates a massive emotional rift over time (see my article: The Unspoken Rift: Resentment, Emotional Distance and Loneliness in Relationships).

What Causes Self-Sabotaging Behavior in Relationships?

Understanding the root cause of relationship self-sabotage helps replace shame with compassion. These behaviors are typically triggered by:

• Fear of Abandonment or Rejection: Pushing a partner away to control the timing of an anticipated breakup, even when the fear is a cognitive distortion.
• Fear of Emotional Vulnerability: Avoiding the emotional risks required to build deep intimacy (see my article: Vulnerability as a Pathway to Greater Emotional and Sexual Intimacy).
• Low Self-Esteem: An underlying core belief that you are fundamentally flawed or unworthy of a healthy, loving relationship.
• Unrealistic Expectations: Holding your partner to impossible standards to guarantee they will eventually fail you (see my article: Your Partner Can't Meet All Your Needs).

Clinical Vignette: How Self-Sabotage Manifests

The following clinical vignette is a composite of many cases:

Jane's Story
When Jane met Alan, she realized she liked him deeply. Three months into dating, they agreed to be exclusive. Initially, Jane could foresee a long-term future and marriage. However, as their emotional intimacy grew, Jane's old childhood insecurities surfaced, causing severe relationship anxiety.

Her core fear was that Alan would eventually realize she "wasn't good enough" and abandon her (see my article: Overcoming the Fear that People Won't Like You If They Knew the "Real You"). While Alan offered consistent reassurance, it could not soothe Jane's internal panic.

When the fear became overwhelming, Jane would abruptly break up with Alan to achieve instant relief from the dread of being left. Shortly after, regret would set in, and she would scramble to rekindle the relationship.

Once reunited, the cycle repeated. Jane began picking arguments over insignificant details to create distance without realizing it. It wasn't until they entered couples therapy that Jane recognized she was weaponizing fights out of fear. 

In addition to couples work, Jane sought individual trauma therapy to process the childhood wounds driving her behavior. Today, Jane and Alan work as a team to disrupt this negative cycle before it starts.

How to Overcome Self-Sabotaging Behavior in Your Relationship

If you recognize these patterns in your life, you can heal and protect your relationship using these five foundational steps:

• Recognize Your Personal Triggers: Cultivate self-awareness to notice the exact moment fear triggers your desire to push your partner away.
• Develop Open, Vulnerable Communication: Replace passive-aggressive behaviors or withdrawal with direct communication about your fears.
• Actively Build Self-Esteem: Process underlying feelings of unworthiness so you can safely accept love without reactive defense mechanisms.
• Heal Root Issues in Individual Trauma Therapy: Because self-sabotage usually stems from unresolved childhood attachment wounds, specialized trauma therapy can stop these past experiences from hijacking your present relationship.
• Repair the Bond with NYC Couples Therapy: Working with a therapist who specializes in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) can help you and your partner map out, understand, and permanently de-escalate your negative relationship cycles..

Break the Cycle and Protect Your Relationship

Recognizing that fear is driving your relationship choices is a powerful first step—but you don’t have to navigate the path to healing alone. 

Whether you want to heal personal attachment wounds in individual therapy or map out and de-escalate your negative cycles together in couples therapy, specialized support can help you build the secure, loving connection you deserve.

Stop Unconscious Fears From Routing Your Relationship

Self-sabotage doesn't mean your relationship is broken—it means your defense mechanisms are trying to protect you from old pain. 

Let's work together as a team to replace anxiety and emotional distance with deep, secure intimacy.

About Josephine Ferraro, LCSW 

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist and Trauma Specialist specializing in advanced modalities including EMDR, AEDP, Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples (EFT), Somatic Experiencing, Hypnotherapy, and Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy). I am also a Certified Sex Therapist.

Whether you are looking for an experienced couples therapist in NYC or looking to heal personal wounds in individual therapy, I provide a compassionate space to help you build a harmonious life.

Contact Information & Next Steps

I provide a free 15-minute phone consultation to ensure we are a good fit before setting up an initial appointment. I see clients in my office in Greenwich Village, NYC 10011 as well as online via telehealth.

• 🌐 Website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist
• 📞 Phone: (917) 742-2624 during business hours
• ✉️ Email: josephineferraro@iCloud.com

Expanded Reading Relationship Therapy

• What is a Trauma Therapist?

• What is Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) For Couples?
  
• Breaking the Negative Cycle in Your Relationship 
• New Bonds of Love Can Replace a Negative Cycle
  

How to Set Boundaries With Friends If They're Texting You Too Much

There are some people who enjoy texting back and forth with their friends all day long and it's mutually satisfying for all the texters involved.

Setting Boundaries With Friends About Texting

But if you're not one of those people who enjoys constant texting and you have a friend who likes to send you lots of texts, rather than letting resentment and emotional distance grow, you can tactfully set a limit with your friend (see my article: Do You Feel Entitled to Set Boundaries With the People in Your Life?).

In a world where people can reach others in a flash by texting, a lot of people find it gratifying to express their thoughts and feelings in texts and enjoy the dopamine hit when their friends text back.

People who have problems understanding boundaries can text all day long without considering whether the person they're texting has the time and emotional bandwidth to deal with a barrage of texts (see my article: Do You Feel Overwhelmed By Your Friend's Problems?).

If you haven't set a limit, you can give your friend the benefit of the doubt that they might not know you don't like a lot of texts and that you don't have the time or emotional bandwidth for it. Therefore, it's up to you to communicate this to them so you take care of your time and mental health.

Why Do Excessive Texts Create Stress and Anxiety?

Here are some of the most common reasons:

• Pressure to Respond (Expectation of Availability): You might feel pressure to respond immediately. This often leads to stress and anxiety when you can't or you don't want to respond immediately.

• Digital Burnout and Overstimulation: Constant notifications can break concentration. The ongoing distraction can lead to mental fatigue.

• Lack of Personal Space: Excessive non-urgent texts throughout the day can feel like an intrusion on your privacy and downtime.

• Anxiety Trigger: A high volume of text messages can induce anxiety and a feeling of being overwhelmed.

• Disruption to Workflow and Personal Tasks: Constant interruptions can make it difficult to focus on work or personal tasks.

How to Set Boundaries With a Friend Who Texts Too Much

Here are some suggestions that might be helpful:

• Shift the Focus from Their Behavior to Your Own Needs and Boundaries: First, recognize that you have the right to your feelings as well as the right to set boundaries. If you can't set boundaries with others, you're going to feel frustrated and you'll probably have ongoing interpersonal problems due to the lack of boundaries. Assuming you want to maintain this friendship, you can say, "Having to check texts many times per day makes me feel anxious. I'm trying to check these notifications less."

• Express Appreciation For Their Friendship: Assuming you want to maintain this friendship, express your appreciation for your friend and the things you like about them so that you're not just focusing on something that bothers you about their behavior. 

Setting Boundaries With Friends About Texting

• Shift Time Spent With Your Friend From Texts to In-Person Visits: Suggest to your friend that you would like to know what's going on in their life, but you would prefer to do it in person. Then, suggest a time when you're free to meet in person. 

• Let Them Know When You're Available: Let your friend know when you're reachable and manage their expectations about when you're free to respond to texts. You can say something like, "I don't have time to check texts throughout the day, so I only check them after work" or "I've been so busy lately that I haven't had time to check personal texts." Then, as previously mentioned, you can suggest meeting when you're both free.

Setting Boundaries With Friends About Texting

• Let them Know You're "Unplugging" to Manage Your Stress: Let your friend know that, as part of a new lifestyle change, you're taking time to "unplug" from your phone and computer. You can tell them that, as part of your digital detox, you're cutting back on the time you spend reading email and texts. You can also tell them that if they don't hear from you for a few days, this is the reason.  

• Evaluate the Friendship: If your friend doesn't understand that you don't have the time and emotional bandwidth for a lot of texts in a day, you can evaluate whether the aspects you like about this friend outweigh this problem. If you have communicated your boundaries and they don't respect them, there might be other areas where you'll find they will cross your boundaries. At some point, you'll need to decide whether you want this friend in your life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego State Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have over 25 years of experiencing helping individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How Avoidance of 1ntimacy Turns Into Emotional Distance in Relationships

One of the most common reasons why couples seek help in couples therapy is due to lack of emotional and sexual intimacy (see my article: Have You and Your Partner Stopped Having Sex?).

Sexual Avoidance Turns Into Emotional Distance

Why Do Couples Avoid Emotional and Sexual Intimacy?

Emotional and sexual avoidance is a complex issue with many possible causes including relational and psychological issues.

Sexual avoidance creates relationship distance by transforming lack of sexual avoidance into emotional detachment. 

Sexual Avoidance Turns Into Emotional Distance

Sexual avoidance is rarely just about sex. It often involves relational, emotional, psychological and behavioral factors. For some couples, it can include physical and medical factors.

Sexual avoidance and emotional distance often stem from one or both partners feeling the need to protect themselves from against vulnerability and pressure. 

Sexual Avoidance Turns Into Emotional Distance

This can set up a cycle where an avoidant partner pulls away and the other partner feels rejected, anxious and lonely.

Here are some of the most common reasons for sexual avoidance and emotional distance:

Relational Issues:

• Communication problems
  

• Lack of trust
  

• Power struggles
  

• Mismatched libido (also known as desire discrepancy)
  

• Lack of relationship satisfaction

• Other unresolved problems

Emotional and Psychological Issues:

Unresolved trauma for one or both partners including:

• A history of sexual abuse
  

• A history of sexual assault

• Anxiety including

• Performance anxiety
  

• Painful sex
  

• General anxiety
  

• Low self esteem
  

• Body image issues
  

• Negative conditioning including strict cultural or religious beliefs that associate sex with guilt and shame (see my article: Overcoming Shame and Guilt Due to Cultural Issues).

Physical or Medical Conditions

• Chronic pain

• Cardiovascular problems

• Diabetes

• Hormonal imbalances including low testosterone

Behavioral Patterns

• An obsessive avoidance of sexual intimacy

• A tendency to detach emotionally or feel unsafe with closeness

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy where individuals or couples seek help (see my article:    What is Sex Therapy?).

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Sex therapy does not include any nudity or sex during therapy sessions (see my article: What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

Individuals and couples seek help in sex therapy for a variety of reasons (see my article: What Are Common Reasons Why Individuals and Couples Seek Help in Sex Therapy?).

Not all couples therapists have training as sex therapists so it's important to ask whether or not a couples therapist is a certified sex therapist.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who ia a certified sex therapist.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have over 25 years of experience working with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

What is Sexual Self Esteem?

What is Good Sex?

Creating Sexual Desire With the Simmer Technique?