Why "Happy Wife, Happy Life" Creates Problems in Relationships

When I work with couples who are trying to understand why their relationship isn't working, I often hear one partner say they don't understand why their relationship isn't working since they've done everything their partner wanted. 

"Happy Wife, Happy Life" Dynamic Creates Problems

Although the phrase "Happy Wife, Happy Life" assumes heterosexuality, the dynamics involved can apply to any relationship regardless of sexual identity, sexual orientation or any other identifiers.

Rather than using the words "wife" and "husband", I'm going to discuss these dynamics by referring to Partner A and Partner B: 

    Partner A is the person who tends to appease and sacrifice their own needs.

    Partner B is the one who expects to be appeased regardless of what Partner A really wants.

Where Did the Phrase "Happy Wife, Happy Life" Come From?

The phrase is a common cultural trope reflecting traditional gender roles where it's assumed that the wife's mood dictates the home's atmosphere.

Why "Happy Wife, Happy Life" Creates Problems in Relationships

The phrase "Happy Wife, Happy Life" creates problems in relationships because it suppresses emotions and honesty.

It also encourages avoiding conflict and truth to keep the peace. This often leads to emotional withdrawal and a false sense of harmony instead of a real emotional connection.

Here are the main problems:

• Fosters Codependency: Partner A's happiness and sense of self worth becomes tied to Partner B's mood with Partner A constantly appeasing and making sacrifices for Partner B (see my article: What's the Difference Between Codependency and Interdependency?).

• Creates Unequal Power: If Partner B's happiness is at the center of the relationship with Partner A catering to Partner B's whims, over time this will breed resentment and power struggles (see my article: Overcoming Power Struggles).

• Encourages Entitlement and Blame: Some partners who are in the role of Partner B can expect constant appeasement at the expense of Partner A's happiness. The implication is that if Partner A is unhappy, it's Partner A's own fault (see my article: Moving Beyond the Blame Game).

• Ignores Partner A's Needs and Autonomy: "Happy Wife, Happy Life" implies that Partner B's needs are more important than Partner A. This tends to damage both partners' happiness.

• Oversimplifies Relationship Dynamics: It oversimplifies relationship dynamics by reducing each partner to their role (the demanding Partner B and the appeasing Partner A) instead of individuals with their own unique needs.

How to Shift Out of the "Happy Wife, Happy Life" Mentality in Your Relationship

• Refocus on Both Partners' Happiness: Rather than focusing on one partner's happiness, refocus so that you and your partner are considering both of you.

Refocus on Both Partners' Happiness

• Shift From Avoidance to Engagement: Instead of seeing conflict as a threat, reframe conflict as an opportunity for deeper understanding and connection. This can foster emotional intimacy through understanding--not through silence and appeasement.

• From Self Centered Peace to Mutual Value: If you're in the role of the appeaser, recognize that your appeasement is probably driven by fear of upsetting your partner so your life will be peaceful. This isn't love. Love exists where both people feel valued and heard.  If you're in the role of having your way most of the time, recognize that your partner has needs too so seek a compromise.

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette is a composite of many different cases with all identifying information changed to protect confidentiality:

Dan and Marie

When Dan and Marie sought help in couples therapy, they were already considering separating, but they decided to try couples therapy to see if they could save their marriage.

Dan explained that from the beginning of their relationship, he tried to make Marie happy by doing whatever she wanted. He said his father gave him advice before they got married, "Happy wife, happy life", and told Dan that if he made Marie happy, they would have a happy relationship.

Happy Wife, Happy Life Dynamic Creates Problems

Even though his father followed this advice in his own marriage with Dan's mother, they always seemed unhappy to Dan. They never discussed their relationship with Dan, but when he graduated high school, they sat down with him and told him they decided to get a divorce.  

At the time, Dan didn't question his parents, but he wasn't surprised.  Dan's father had become increasingly withdrawn over the years and Dan suspected that his parents were just waiting for him to graduate to end their relationship.

Marie told the couples therapist that she saw the same dynamic with Dan. He became  emotionally distant a few years into their marriage. She explained they hardly ever quarreled, but she often felt alone and lonely due to Dan's emotional withdrawal. She also indicated that she tried to talk to Dan about it but, even though he was aware of his withdrawal, he didn't know what was making him so unhappy in the relationship (see my article: Feeling Alone in a Relationship).

Both Marie and Dan agreed  that they stopped being interested in having sex a few years after they got married (see my article: Have You and Your Partner Stopped Having Sex?)

Marie explained that her father always prioritized her mother's needs over his own because he also believed in the "happy wife, happy life" philosophy.  Since her parents didn't believe in divorce, she knew they would stay together no matter what happened, but she didn't think either of them felt fulfilled in their relationship.

Their couples therapist knew they needed to work on creating emotional intimacy before dealing with their no-sex marriage.  So, she continued to explore the emotional dynamics in their relationship and she realized that Dan's belief that he had to appease Marie--even if it meant he was sacrificing his own needs--was a major problem in their relationship.

Their couples therapist helped Marie and Dan to understand the codependent nature of their relationship and helped them to take steps to change to a healthier interdependent dynamic.

It wasn't easy for them. It had been so long since Dan considered what he wanted that he had to work hard in therapy to identify his wants and needs.  Marie was also accustomed to having her way and making most of the decisions so, initially, she found it challenging too.

One major change they were facing was where they would move after they retired. Even though they were about 10 years away from making that decision, they both assumed they would move from New York to South Carolina after they retired because Marie had friends in SC. But when the couples therapist explored this decision with them, Dan and Marie realized this was something Marie wanted, but Dan was only going along with it to appease Marie.

Although Marie was disappointed, she didn't want Dan to be unhappy so they decided to compromise and consider other locations.

This was the beginning of Dan getting back in touch with his own needs and Marie realizing she needed to compromise.

Over time, as Dan asserted his needs and Marie became attuned to Dan, they were able to compromise more easily. Instead of being emotionally withdrawn, Dan became more emotionally present which allowed them to feel closer.

As they became closer emotionally, they also began to have sex again. At first, they were hesitant because it had been so long since they had sex, but as their emotional intimacy increased, they found their way back to each other sexually (see my article: Vulnerability as a Pathway to Greater Emotional and Sexual Intimacy).

It wasn't quick or easy, but by the time they completed couples therapy, they both felt more fulfilled in their relationship.

Conclusion

Regardless of sexual identity, sexual orientation orientation, age, race or any other identifiers, when one partner appeases the other while sacrificing their own needs, problems develop.

Refocus on Both Partners' Happiness

Learning to shift this unhealthy dynamic isn't easy, but the effort can often save a relationship.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

Even when both people are motivated to change relationship dynamics, they can find it challenging.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

If you and your partner are struggling to change your relationship, you could benefit from working with a couples therapist.

A skilled couples therapist can provide you with the tools and strategies to make changes so you can have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR,  AEDP, Parts Work, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have over 25 years of experience working with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How to Let Go of Resentment in Your Relationship

As a psychotherapist who works with individual adults and couples, I have worked with many clients who have problems with resentment.

This is why I'm focusing on resentment in relationships in the current article.

Letting Go of Resentment in Your Relationship

What is Resentment?

Resentment is an emotional reaction to feeling mistreated or treated unfairly which often includes hurt, frustration, anger, disappointment and bitterness.

Letting Go of Resentment in Your Relationship

Although disappointment and frustration are common experiences in adulthood, when these feelings become overwhelming in a relationship, this often leads to resentment.

What Causes Resentment?

Resentment can be caused under many circumstances.

Here are some of the most common causes:

• Feeling put down

• Feeling unseen or unheard

• Having unrealistic expectations

• Unmet needs

• Power imbalances

• Poor communication

• Unresolved conflict

• Betrayal

• Feeling disrespected and taken for granted

• Divergent goals and priorities

How Does Resentment Build Over Time?

Although there are no official stages of resentment, resentment can build over time from mild to severe.

Letting Go of Resentment in Your Relationship

Someone can start by feeling hurt, but if the problems in the relationship continue and/or they are uncommunicated, these feelings can escalate to hatred and a wish for revenge.

Over time, when one or both partners in a relationship feel resentful, the relationship can become tense and they might consciously or unconsciously avoid each other.  

Why is Letting Go of Resentment Difficult At Times?

One or both partners might have problems letting go of resentment, especially if there is a tendency to ruminate about perceived or actual wrongdoing.

Difficulty with letting go can be exacerbated by a traumatic history in prior relationships or in a family history where the current situation can trigger resentment from the past.

How to Identify the Signs of Resentment

Healthy relationships are based on openness, honesty and an ability to be emotionally vulnerable with one another.

When a partner feels resentment, they might feel less inclined to communicate their feelings with their partner. What often happens instead is that the resentful partner suppresses their feelings and shuts down emotionally.  

Letting Go of Resentment in Your Relationship

They might not even realize they're suppressing feelings because emotional suppression can happen in a fraction of a second so they might be unaware, but their partner might sense their emotional distance.

When anger, bitterness and hostility take over, communication can break down and the resentful partner might not respond to their partner's gestures for connection. 

This could mean that they stop talking to their partner when they're together and ignore phone calls and texts when they're apart.

How Can Resentment Affect Your Emotional and Physical Well-Being?

Resentment is often a sign that you haven't dealt with a situation in an effective way.

If you haven't processed your feelings, you can put yourself at risk for:

• Anxiety
  

• Depression
  

• Muscle tension

• Headaches

• Sleep problems
  

• High blood pressure

• Digestive disorders

• A compromised immune system

How to Let Go of Resentment in Your Relationship

If you feel resentment, you can try to communicate your feelings to your partner in a calm and thoughtful way.

Some people who feel overwhelmed by resentment find it useful to do their own writing about it first to sort out their feelings so they can be calm when they talk to their partner.

Letting Go of Resentment in Your Relationship

If you're upset and angry when you talk to your partner, your partner might not hear you because they might get defensive if you're blaming them for the problems in the relationship.

Remember that it takes two people to create a relationship so it's rare for all the problems to be your partner's fault.

If you feel your resentment has become unmanageable for you, you could benefit from talking to a licensed mental health professional who can help you to sort out your feelings and learn how to deal with resentment.

This can be especially beneficial if your current situation is triggering unresolved trauma from the past. 

Even if your current circumstances are triggering unresolved problems, this doesn't mean that there aren't problems to be worked out in your relationship. In other words, the current issues can still be relevant even if they are exacerbated by past experiences.

You and your partner can also benefit from couples therapy if the problems are longstanding or if the two of you haven't been able to work out issues on your own.

What Are Perpetual Problems in Relationships?

There might be certain problems, which are called "perpetual problems", that you won't be able to resolve and, if you want to stay together, you have to learn to manage your feelings around them instead of expecting things to change or remaining resentful.

Dr. John Gottman, who is a relationship expert and the author of many books on relationships, estimates that a whopping 69% of relationship problems are considered "perpetual problems." 

These might include, but are not limited to, differences in:

• Lifestyle needs

• Personality types, e.g., introvert vs extrovert

• Values

• Perspectives about money

• Parenting styles

More about perpetual problems in a future article.

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette illustrates how resentment can affect a relationship and how therapy can help:

Ann and Joe

When Ann and Joe met, they both knew they wanted to be together.

They dated for two years before they moved in together in Ann's apartment after Joe's lease expired.

Letting Go of Resentment in Your Relationship

Ann knew Joe had different housekeeping standards before he moved in. She had been to his apartment many times before they moved in together and she often teased him about his messy apartment. At the time, she thought it was funny and poked fun at him about it. 

But after Joe's lease expired on his Manhattan apartment and he moved into Ann's Brooklyn apartment, Ann didn't think it was funny anymore. Over time, she felt annoyed with finding Joe's socks and underwear on the bedroom floor and she couldn't understand how this didn't bother him.

At first, Ann didn't say anything. She was raised in a family where her parents didn't like to "rock the boat" so they avoided discussing difficult topics. As a result, eventually, they lead separate lives even though they remained together in the same house.

After a few weeks of watching Joe step over his socks and underwear, Ann felt her resentment building up.  She felt hurt, angry and disappointed because she thought Joe was taking for granted that she would pick up his clothes.

Even though Joe seemed oblivious to his clothes on the floor, he sensed Ann's emotional distance and he asked her if there was something wrong. 

By then, Ann had suppressed her feelings to such an extent that she wasn't even aware she felt angry so she responded, "I'm okay. There's nothing wrong."

Joe shrugged his shoulders and went into the living room to watch the football game. While he was watching the football game, he felt annoyed by the sound of Ann's vacuum cleaner, which was drowning out the game on TV. So, he asked her if either he could vacuum later or if she would consider vacuuming later.

At that point, Ann turned off the vacuum cleaner and walked out of the apartment in a huff.  When Joe heard the door slam, he went out to try to find Ann, but she was already walking quickly down the block.

When she returned, she found Joe sitting on the sofa staring at the blank TV screen. As she was taking off her coat, Joe came behind her, touched her shoulder and she bristled.

"I know something is wrong" he said, "Can we talk about it?"

Ann felt too emotionally overwhelmed to speak, so she went into the bedroom, shut the door and called her best friend, Jane, to complain. 

Jane responded by asking Ann, "Why don't you talk to Joe about it?"

"I don't know." Ann said, "We never talked about things difficult things in my family and I feel uncomfortable bringing it up."

"But if you don't bring it up, how will it get resolved?" Jane asked.

"I don't know." Ann responded, "Do you think I'm making a big thing out of nothing?"

"Talk to Joe." Jane advised.

When Ann came into the living room and she saw Joe with his head in his hands, she felt compassionate towards him, "I'm sorry I walked out of the apartment so abruptly. I didn't realize how resentful I felt about your messiness until I felt overwhelmed by it."

"I'm so glad you're talking to me," Joe responded, "You know how I am. I don't even notice my messiness, but if it's bothering you, I'll try to be more aware of it."

After their talk, they made up and cuddled on the couch together. But a few days later, Ann felt annoyed that Joe made plans to go to a baseball game with his friend without consulting her first. She had planned to ask Joe if he wanted to go to Jane's dinner party on the same night, but she hadn't asked him yet.

Since she couldn't decide if she was being unreasonable or not, Ann kept her annoyance to herself until the day when Joe was supposed to go to the baseball game and Ann wanted to go to Jane's party.

She didn't speak to Joe about her resentment, but he sensed something was wrong because she was slamming pots and pans around in the kitchen. Similar to before, Joe approached Ann to ask her if there was something wrong and Ann responded she was okay.

After several attempts of trying to persuade Ann to talk, Joe gave up and went to the game and Ann called Jane to say she couldn't make it to her dinner party.

When Joe got home, he found Ann in a sulky mood scrolling on her phone.  When he sat down on the bed next to her, he sensed her remoteness, "Ann, I wish you would tell me what's bothering you."

Reluctantly, she spoke about her hurt and anger. Then, they talked about how they had never discussed how to consult each other before making their own plans. 

They agreed to talk to each other before making plans with other people, and they developed a common calendar so they could keep track of their social events together and apart.

Over time, there were several other issues that Ann felt resentful about and she realized how her upbringing was getting in the way of her communicating with Joe, so she began her own individual therapy. 

They also got into couples therapy to learn how to improve their communication (see my article: How to Improve Communication in Your Relationship).

Gradually, they learned in couples therapy how to be more open, honest and emotionally vulnerable with each other.  They also learned there were certain issues they weren't going to resolve due to differences in their personalities. 

For instance, Ann tended to be more extroverted and Joe tended to be more introverted so they often liked doing different things. Ann liked going to parties, but Joe felt uneasy at parties.  

They realized they weren't going to change each other's personalities, so they came up with a compromise: Joe would go to some of the parties and learn to mingle, but he wouldn't go to all the parties Ann wanted to attend. Although she was disappointed at first, Ann realized this was a reasonable compromise and she learned to manage her feelings in the interest of preserving their relationship.

Ann also developed insight into how her family history was exacerbating problems with Joe, and she talked about how to manage her feelings in her individual therapy.  Over time, she also worked through her family history so it didn't affect her as much. This work was neither quick nor easy, but she persevered.

Joe learned in couples therapy how to be more considerate of Ann. He became more self aware so he could take Ann's feelings into account.

They both learned that no relationship is perfect. Since they wanted to stay together, they realized that maintaining their relationship would be an ongoing process.  

Over time, they developed relationship goals which helped them both to feel more invested in their relationship and gave them a sense of a future together (see my article: 10 Relationship Goals to Create a Stronger Relationship).

Conclusion

Resentment is often a combination of hurt, anger, disappointment and frustration when one or both people in a relationship feel they are being mistreated or treated unfairly.

Resentment can build over time from mild to severe.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

Recognizing signs of resentment can be difficult, especially if you have unresolved issues related to prior relationships or your family of origin. This can be especially problematic if you grew up in a family where resentment either wasn't handled well.

Ongoing feelings of resentment can cause emotional and physical problems.

There are certain issues in relationships that are perpetual problems due to differences between you and your partner. Each of you need to decide if you can manage these problems or if they are deal breakers.

When resentment becomes an ongoing problem where you find it difficult to communicate, you could benefit from attending individual therapy to learn to overcome this problem.

Couples therapy can be beneficial if you and your partner find yourself in ongoing cycles of resentment where you can't break the negative cycle in your relationship (see my article: Overcoming the Negative Cycle in Your Relationship That Keep You Stuck).

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT For Couples, Parts Work, Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

 

Relationships: You Can't "Fix" Your Partner. Focus on Yourself Instead

Many people believe they can change partner into being the person they want them to be. They believe that love alone will change their partner into being the partner they want. But trying to "fix" your partner is usually doomed to failure if they don't want to change.

You Can't "Fix" Your Partner

Why You Can't Change Your Partner If They Don't Want to Change

• Change Must Be Internally Motivated: Your partner needs to have internal motivation to change for lasting change to occur. They might change temporarily to appease you, but for lasting change to occur, they need to be internally motivated.

• Deep-seated Behavior is Difficult to Change: Behavior which is rooted in the past isn't easily changed just because you want your partner to change.

• Your Pressure Can Create Resentment: You might think you can "fix" your partner, but your partner might resent you for it, which makes change even harder.

• Love Isn't a Motivator For Change: If you're telling your partner they would change if they loved you, you're not understanding how change occurs. They can't do it for you--no matter how much they love you. They need to want to do it for themself.

What Can You Do Instead of Pressuring Your Partner to Change?

• Change Your Own "Dance Steps": Instead of focusing on changing your partner, focus on changing yourself. The late Sue Johnson, Ph.D., who developed Emotion Focused Therapy (EFT) For Couples, talked about the "EFT Tango" as a metaphor for the dance that couples do as part of the structured interventions that couples do together. She advised clients to change their own "dance steps" regardless of what the other partner does. When you change your own "dance steps", you change the dynamic in your relationship. This opens up a space for your partner to change--if they want to change.

• Communicate Your Needs Clearly: Express your needs in a clear and vulnerable way. Expressing your needs is more effective than criticizing or nagging your partner.
• 
  
• Set Boundaries: Be clear on what you will and will not put up with, especially if your partner's behavior is hurtful to you (see my article: Setting Boundaries in Your Relationship).

• Offer Support; Instead of criticizing or pressuring, offer your support for whatever change your partner is willing to make. Offering encouragement is different from trying to force change.

• Manage Your Expectations: Once you accept that you can't change your partner's behavior, you might experience a reduction in your resentment. This doesn't mean you have to put up with hurtful behavior. Instead, it means that you realize your partner has to want to change and until they do, you can't "fix" them.

• Decide If the Relationship Is Right For You: If you find yourself constantly wanting your partner to change, this could be a sign that you and your partner have different values and the relationship isn't right for you. You have to decide whether your partner's behavior is a dealbreaker for you.

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette illustrates the dynamics mentioned above. As always, this vignette is a composite of many different cases to protect confidentiality:

Agnes and Bill:

Five years into their marriage, Agnes realized Bill's drinking had increased over time.  He would often come home from a stressful day of work and spend the night drinking.

You Can't "Fix" Your Partner

When Agnes complained to Bill, she felt he was giving her lip service to stop drinking, but he continued to get drunk every night. No amount of nagging and complaining stopped his behavior. She told him that if he loved her, he would change, but this didn't work either--even though she knew he loved her very much.

When she realized she couldn't change Bill, Agnes decided to get support in her own individual therapy. Over time, Agnes realized in therapy that she couldn't change Bill's behavior because he didn't want to stop drinking, so she worked on improving her own life. She began working out at the gym, seeing friends more often and developing new hobbies.

After a while, Bill felt increasingly lonely as he watched Agnes' life flourish. Since he wanted to save his marriage and his doctor told him that his drinking had increased his blood pressure problems, he considered cutting back on alcohol. But when he realized he couldn't cut back on his own, he sought help in his own therapy with a therapist who was knowledgeable about alcoholism.

Gradually, Bill learned new coping skills and strategies in his individual therapy and he was able to stop drinking. 

When they were both ready, Bill and Agnes began couples therapy to improve their relationship. They both learned new tools so they could have a more meaningful relationship.

Conclusion

You can't change your partner unless they are internally motivated to change.

Instead of focusing on trying to "fix" your partner, focus on yourself.

Individual therapy can help you to focus on yourself and, eventually, to decide whether you want to remain in your relationship.

Get Help in Therapy

Rather than focusing on "fixing" your partner, get help in individual therapy to work on yourself.

Get Help in Therapy

Individual therapy can help you to develop the tools and strategies you need to feel more confident and make major decisions.

If your partner is willing, you can both participate in couples therapy to work on your relationship. 

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work, Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: Are You Overfunctioning For Your Partner?

What is Overfunctioning in a Relationship?

Overfunctioning is a term used to describe when one partner is carrying the bulk of responsibilities, initiates difficult conversations and attempts to resolve problems in the relationship and in the household (see my article: Overcoming the Negative Cycle That Keeps You Both Stuck).

Are You Overfunctioning For Your Partner?

Why Does Overfunctioning Occur in a Relationship?

There are many ways a couple can get into a dynamic where one of them is overfunctioning and the other is underfunctioning.

As responsibilities increase, life becomes more complex so there are more household chores and responsibilities:

• Doing household chores
• Paying bills
• Remembering children's playdates and getting them there
• Remembering the children's doctors' appointments and getting them there

Are You Overfunctioning For Your Partner?

• Getting birthday gifts for the children's friends and getting the children to friends' birthday parties
• Being responsible for going to parent-teacher conferences
• Remembering grandparents' birthdays and anniversaries and getting gifts
• Work-related tasks
• And on and on

It's common for one person in the relationship to take on these and other responsibilities while the other partner takes on few, if any, responsibilities. 

The relationship you witnessed in your family of origin can also influence whether you become the overfunctioner or the underfunctioner based on traditions, culture and outdated gender roles.

This dynamic can resemble a mother-child relationship where the overfunctioner is in the role of the mother and the underfunctioner is in role of the child.

This often affects the dynamic in the bedroom because no one wants to make love to their parent or their child (see my article: Behaving Like a Parent to Your Partner Could Be Ruining Your Relationship).

As the overfunctioner becomes overwhelmed by the tasks and responsibilities they have taken on, resentment builds and conflict can grow.

Signs You Have Taken on the Role of the Overfunctioner

• You're the One Who Does Most or All the Chores and Carry the Mental Load: You clean, pay the bills, take care of the children, do the laundry and so on and you probably have a job outside the home with its own responsibilities (see my article: Sharing the Mental Load).

• You Assume That If You Take a Break, Things Will Fall Apart: You're aware doing everything with little or any participation from your partner, but you're afraid that if you take a break, everything will fall apart.

Are You Overfunctioning For Your Partner

• You Feel Angry and Resentful About the Role You Have Taken On: You feel taken for granted and unappreciated by your partner because you have taken on more than your fair share of responsibilities. 

• You Have Lost Sight of Your Own Needs: Since you're focused on doing everything else, you don't recognize your own needs which can lead to a diminishment of self and lack of fulfillment.

• You Don't Feel Like Being Intimate With Your Partner: Since you're probably exhausted, frustrated, angry and irritable, you don't feel like being emotionally or sexually intimate with your partner. Emotional distance between you and your partner can grow to the point where you feel like you're just two people co-existing in the same household (see my article: Have You and Your Partner Stopped Having Sex?).

How Can You and Your Partner Disrupt the Overfunctioning-Underfunctioning Dynamic?

It takes two people to create their dynamic and the dynamic between you and your partner didn't develop overnight and it won't change overnight.

If the two of you were dance partners and you changed what you did, your partner would have to change too (see my article: Breaking the Negative Cycle in Your Relationship).

This is similar to what Emotionally Focused Therapy for Couples describes as the pursuer-withdrawer dynamic with the overfunctioner being in the pursuer role and the underfunctioner being in the withdrawer role. 

If You're the Overfunctioner:

• Consider how you might be able to experiment:
• What chores or responsibilities can you back off from, let go of and surrender to your partner? 
• This might mean that certain things fall through the cracks. 

Are You Overfunctioning For Your Partner?

• Be aware that stepping back and allowing your partner to take the lead with certain tasks will probably feel uncomfortable at first, but don't give in to the urge to take it over again. You will feel resentful and you will be belittling your partner as if they were a child.

• You might feel some anxiety about the change.

• Don't be critical or judgmental if your partner takes on a task and their standards aren't up to yours. Unless it's a safety matter. Then, you can tactfully show your partner how you have performed this task or chore in a safe way, but avoid criticism so your partner doesn't consciously or unconsciously avoid the task.

If You're the Underfunctioner:

• Challenge yourself to consider where you can step up to take on responsibilities. 

• You might experience discomfort at first because you're not accustomed to taking on responsibilities, but you'll adjust.

• Don't wait to be told each time if you have agreed to take on a certain responsibility.

• Remember you're an adult, so avoid getting into the child role with your partner.

• Don't get defensive if your partner tactfully explains why it's safer to do certain chores or handle certain responsibilities in a particular way (e.g., don't leave the baby alone in a hot car and other similar safety issues).

• Don't wait until you "feel like" doing a chore. Just do it. After a while, you'll get accustomed to doing it even if you "don't feel like it."

• Be proud, rather than feeling ashamed, that you're taking on more adult responsibilities.

For Both the Overfunctioner and the Underfunctioner: Develop An Agreement:

• Set a time aside when you won't be interrupted and talk about the inequity of your situation and how you each feel about making changes.

• Approach the change as two people who are on the same team. Teamwork is essential when you're making these kinds of changes.

• Approach the conversation with curiosity about how your partner feels instead of criticism.

• Talk about which one of you is overfunctioning or which one is underfunctioning from each of your perspectives and how you each contribute to the dynamic.

• Agree to shake things up.

• Remember: If one of you starts doing a different "dance step", your partner will have to change too.

• Get specific:
• What will you do differently?
• How long will you experiment with the change?
• When will you follow up with each other to determine if you need to tweak or overhaul your plan?

Get Help in Couples Therapy

On the surface, it might not seem like it would be complicated to change the overfunctioning-underfunctioning dynamic, but there are usually other underlying dynamics including personal beliefs, gender norms, cultural issues, family history and other factors.

If you and your partner are getting stuck, you could benefit from working with an experienced couples therapist to help you overcome the obstacles that keep you both stuck.

If your sex life has been affected by these problems, seek the help of a couples therapist who is a Certified Sex Therapist.

Rather than struggling on your own and remaining stuck, get help sooner rather than later so you can both have a more meaningful experience in your relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

With over 20 years of experience, I have helped many individuals and couples to overcome their problems.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

What Do Couples Talk About in Couples Therapy?

Tips on How to Get the Most Out of Couples Therapy

Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples Can Help Change a Negative Dynamic in a Relationship

What is Sex Therapy?

 

What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?

What Are the Most Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?