How to Avoid Bringing Old Wounds Into a New Relationship

Getting into a new relationship can be exciting and fun, but if you're bringing old wounds (also known as " emotional baggage") from a prior relationship into a new one, it can create a barrier to a trusting and genuine connection.

How to Avoid Bringing Old Wounds Into a New Relationship

What Does It Mean to Bring Old Wounds Into a New Relationship?

Old wounds from a prior relationship refers to unresolved issues including:

• Emotional issues
• Beliefs
• Habits

Examples of Bringing Old Wounds Into a New Relationship:

• Mistrust: A person who was cheated on in a prior relationship can have difficulty trusting a new partner--even when there's no reason to mistrust them.

• Fear of Abandonment: A person who was left in an unexpected way can become clingy and overly anxious in a new relationship (see my article: Overcoming Fear of Abandonment in Trauma Therapy).

• Poor Self Esteem: A person who was criticized and put down in a prior relationship can feel unworthy of experiencing love in a new relationship.

• Making Comparisons: If a person constantly compares their new partner to their old partner, this can lead to unnecessary conflict in the new relationship (see my article: Comparisons and Judgment Are the Thieves of Joy).

• Hiding Emotions: A person who was hurt when their feelings were used against them might become emotionally guarded and hide their emotions in their new relationship.

What is the Negative Impact of Bringing Old Wounds Into a New Relationship

Bringing old wounds into a new relationship creates problems because it can:

• Create Trigger Loops: Past experiences of betrayal or abandonment can cause specific triggers in a new relationship. Your partner might react with anxiety or fear to something relatively minor in your relationship. For instance, if you're mostly on time but one time you're a few minutes late to meet, your partner might get triggered if a prior partner had a lateness problem (see my article: Coping With Triggers).

• Build Walls: Unresolved pain from a prior relationship can build walls in your new relationship. This makes it harder to trust, communicate openly and feel connected with each other (see my article: How Therapy Can Help Bring Down the Wall You've Built Around Yourself).

How to Avoid Bringing Old Wounds Into a New Relationship

• Cause Fear: Old wounds can create a constant state of fear which isn't compatible with love. This fear can prevent you from being fully in the new relationship. It can also cause you to settle for less than what you deserve.

• Lead to Repeating Negative Patterns: If you don't resolve old issues from the past, you risk recreating them in the new relationship. If you mistake drama and chaos for love or find yourself in a negative cycle of conflict that feels familiar because it's the same negative patterns from the former relationship.

• Prevent You From Being Fully Present in the New Relationship: When you're constantly replaying old events from a former relationship, you're not fully present in the new relationship.  This can create distance in the new relationship and stop the new relationship from developing into a healthy connection.

• Distort Your Self Worth: Baggage from a prior relationship can make you question your sense of self worth. This can lead to accepting less than you deserve. It can also lead to sabotaging the new relationship.

• Prevents the New Relationship From Growing: If can be challenging to move forward when old baggage is holding you back.

How to Avoid Bringing Old Wounds Into a New Relationship

Here are some tips that might be helpful:

• Increase Self Awareness: Before you react, pause to identify what you're feeling and ask yourself if you're displacing old baggage onto the new relationship. Ask yourself if the situation might remind you of the hurt you experienced in a prior relationship. Are your feelings based on the past or the present situation? (see my article: Responding Instead of Reacting).

• Stay in the Present: Stay in the present moment rather than getting lost in the past. Mindfulness and grounding techniques can help you to stay in the present.

How to Avoid Bringing Old Wounds Into a New Relationship

• Practice Self Compassion: Be kind to yourself. Recognize that everyone has insecurities and it can take time to heal from old wounds (see my article: Compassionate Self Acceptance).

• Set Healthy Boundaries: Communicate to your new partner what is acceptable to you and what isn't. 

• Communicate Openly: Use "I" statements to communicate with your partner without blaming your partner, For example: "I feel scared when you distance yourself from me and you stop talking. It brings up old feelings of when I felt abandoned as a child."

How to Avoid Bringing Old Wounds Into a New Relationship

• Stop Comparing: Avoid comparing your new partner to your old partner. This is a new relationship and a new chapter in your life.

• Focus on Building Emotional Safety: Build emotional safety within your new relationship that includes active listening, emotional honesty and empathy (see my article: Creating a Safe Haven For Each Other).

• Get Professional Support: A skilled mental health professional can help you to process unresolved feelings from a prior relationship. She can also help you to develop healthier relationship patterns. 

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many different cases, illustrates how old wounds can affect a new relationship and how therapy can help:

Jack

When Jack and Beth started dating, they had a wonderful time together during the first few months. But by their fourth month together, as the relationship became more emotionally intimate, problems began to surface.

Jack ended a prior two year relationship only a few weeks before he started dating Beth. His prior relationship with Alice was contentious and chaotic. They argued a lot and Beth cheated on Jack.

Jack found out that Beth was cheating with another man when Beth left her computer open and Jack saw sexts from another man. At first, he was stunned.  They had agreed to be monogamous early in the relationship and, even though Jack had opportunities to cheat on Beth when he traveled for work, he never cheated.

When confronted about the texts, Beth admitted she had been talking to a man online, but they had never met in person. She described it as an emotional affair. She said she felt lonely because Jack was away so much for work.  

Neither of them had the necessary communication skills to talk about the emotional affair. Jack told Beth, "Let's put it behind us" and he refused to talk about it.  But he was never able to forgive Beth for cheating.

Over time, Jack's resentment created walls. Gradually they became more and more emotionally distant from each other. They also stopped having sex.

By the end of two years, they both agreed they were unhappy and they decided to end their relationship.

A few months later, Jack met Alice. As previously mentioned, initially their relationship was going well. But in their fourth month together, Jack became jealous whenever Beth had to work on a project with a male colleague, Joe.

Despite reassurance from Beth that there was nothing going on between her and her male colleague, Jack felt anxious and irritable whenever Alice spent time with Joe. He treated Alice like she was cheating--even though there was no evidence of this.

After a few arguments, Alice told Jack she thought he was comparing her to his former girlfriend, Beth and he needed to seek help in therapy to deal with his old wounds or their relationship wasn't going to work.

How to Avoid Bringing Old Wounds Into a New Relationship

When Jack thought about it, he realized Alice was right, so he sought help from a licensed mental health professional to work through his unresolved feelings about his prior relationship.

His therapist was a trauma therapist who helped Jack to heal old wounds using EMDR Therapy and Parts Work Therapy.

While he was working on healing his wounds, Jack also realized that the baggage he was bringing into his new relationship was also related to his childhood when his mother cheated on his father and they almost got a divorce. 

Even though his parents decided to stay together and "put it behind them", they never resolved their problems and they remained emotionally distant. Jack realized that he was repeating the same pattern because he was bringing his unresolved feelings into his relationship with Alice.

Jack's work in therapy was neither quick nor easy. Gradually, he healed his childhood wounds and the wounds he experienced in his relationship with Beth. 

When he made the connection between his old wounds and how he was treating Alice, he communicated openly with her about it.

As he continued to make connections in his trauma therapy, his relationship with Alice improved.

Conclusion

Old emotional wounds from your family of origin and prior relationships can have a negative impact on your current relationship.

Doing the work in therapy to work through old wounds can improve your relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

As a trauma therapist, I have helped many individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

The Potential Advantages and Disadvantages of a Second Chance Relationship

In my prior article, How to Decide Whether to Give a Former Relationship a Second Chance, I discussed what you need to consider if you're thinking about getting back into a former relationship. If you haven't read it, take a look at that article (using the link above) before you read this article.

Assuming you have made the decision to get back with an ex, the current article discusses the potential pros and cons to a second chance relationship.

What is a Second Chance Relationship?

A second chance relationship is when a couple who broke up get back together again after a period of separation.

Second Chance Relationships

Under these circumstances, the two former partners decide to forgive each other and make an attempt to grow from the prior situation by trying to work on the problems they had when they were together before.  

What Are the Potential Advantages and Disadvantages of a Second Chance Relationship?

No two situations are alike, but here are some of the potential advantages and disadvantages of second chance relationships:

Potential Advantages

• Familiarity and Comfort: You're already comfortable because you know each other and you don't have to go through the "getting to know you" phase that you would with someone new.

Second Chance Relationships

• Existing Connection: You have a shared history and a foundation for the relationship which can create a strong bond.

• Mutual Growth: Both you and your ex had a chance while you were apart to grow, reflect on what went wrong the first time and become better versions of yourselves during your time apart.  

Potential Disadvantages

• Lingering Resentment and Pain: It can be difficult to let go of old resentments which can sabotage the relationship.

• Repeating Negative Patterns: Old habits and ways of being can be difficult to overcome. You and your ex might find yourselves repeating old negative patterns that caused the breakup the first time around.

Second Chance Relationships

• Difficulty Rebuilding Trust: If trust issues were the cause of the breakup the first time, these issues can be difficult to overcome. It would take work on to show rebuild trust.

• Lack of a Full Commitment: The familiarity and comfort can make it challenging to put in the effort to make a full commitment (see my article: Are You and Your Partner on the Same Page About Your Relationship?).

• Lack of Growth Opportunities: By giving a former partner a second chance, you might be forgoing the opportunity to meet someone new and start a new relationship where you can grow.

What Can You and Your Partner Do to Try to Succeed in a Second Chance Relationship?

To try to succeed in a second chance relationship, both of you must be willing to make a commitment to:

• Identify and Address Past Problems: Take the time to sit with your partner and address why things didn't work out the first time. You and you partner need to address the root causes of the breakup and take responsibility for each of your roles in those issues. Avoid focusing on blame and focus on finding solutions.

• Set Clear Boundaries and Expectations: Discuss needs and expectations as well as dealbreakers. Work together to set these boundaries and expectations early in the reconnection phase to prevent misunderstandings and so both people can feel secure (see my article: Setting Boundaries in a Relationship).

• Commit to Personal Growth: Both of you must be willing to work on the behaviors that caused the breakup the first time. Focusing on personal growth is critical for the relationship to succeed.  

Second Chance Relationships

• Prioritize Open Communication: Prioritize open and honest communication. Take the time to check in with each other periodically to see how each you're doing. Discuss feelings, concerns, expectations. Each of you needs to feel heard and valued. Use "I" statements to express your needs and feelings without blame (see my article: Improving Communication in Your Relationship).

• Rebuild Trust Gradually: If trust was broken in the past, it will take time and patience to rebuild trust. Focus on making and keeping small commitments and to showing a  commitment to change and reliability.

• Go Slow and Be Patient: Resist the urge to go back to where you were in your relationship in the past. Rebuilding connection takes time. Allow the time and space for the relationship to build gradually and naturally.

• Practice Forgiveness: Sincere amends and forgiveness are necessary to give a relationship a second chance. Holding onto old resentments will sabotage a new chance for the relationship (see my article: The Psychological Stages of Forgiveness).

• Focus on the Present and the Future: Assuming trust is being rebuilt and there have been genuine amends and forgiveness, focus on the present and the future without getting stuck in the past.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

• Seek Professional Help If Needed: A couples therapist can provide you with the tools and strategies to get through this complicated phase of the relationship. She can also help you to address unresolved issues and communication patterns.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work, Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How to Decide Whether to Give a Former Relationship a Second Chance

Second chance relationships are common. Some studies show that nearly half of young couples and a third of cohabitating older couples get back together after a breakup. 

Second Chance Relationships

About 40% of couples who are going through the divorce process express an interest in reconciliation.

Let's start by defining second chance relationships.

What is a Second Chance Relationship?

A second chance relationship is when a couple who broke up get back together again after a period of separation.

Under these circumstances, the two former partners usually decide to forgive each other and make an attempt to grow from the situation by trying to work on the problems they had when they were together before.  

How Can You Decide Whether to Give Your Former Partner a Second Chance?

It's important to assess the situation objectively before you give your former relationship a second chance.

Here are some factors to consider:

• Low Quality Relationships: An on again, off again relationship often has a poor chance of surviving a real second chance. 

• Trust Issues: Rebuilding trust can be a challenge, especially if the breakup was due to cheating, betrayal or other trust issues.

• A Toxic Relationship: If the relationship was abusive, a second chance is usually not advisable. Your mental, emotional, psychological and physical health are important.

Second Chance Relationships

• Non-negotiables: Think about whether there were non-negotiable issues the first time around.  For example, if one of you really wants to have children and the other is adamant about not having children, this is a non-negotiable issue if neither of you changes your mind. If those issues still exist, it's usually not advisable to give the relationship a second chance because you will both be dealing with the same issues you couldn't work out the first time.

• Learning From the Past: Have each of you taken responsibility for your share of the problems the first time around? If one or both of you hasn't learned from the mistakes of the past, it's unlikely that a second chance relationship will work out (see my article: Learning From Past Relationships).

• Forgiveness: Have you both learned to forgive the mistakes of the other from the first time around? Are you both capable of moving past the hurt and resentment from the past. If not, it's going to be challenging to have a second chance relationship (see my article: The Psychological Stages of Forgiveness).

• Commitment to Change: Each of you must be willing to make a commitment to change what didn't work in the past. That might mean each of you doing your own work on your personal growth so you don't repeat the same mistakes from the past.

• Making Sure You're Not Getting Back Together For the Wrong Reasons: If one or both of you wants to get back together for the wrong reasons, chances are that the relationship won't work out the second time. The wrong reasons can include: 

• Desperation or Loneliness: A second chance relationship might provide temporary relief from desperation and loneliness, but if you have the same relationship problems as you did the first time, it's probably not going to work out.  

• Fear of Being Alone: If one or both of you are getting back together because you're afraid of being alone, chances are you're going to face the same problems you did the first time. 

• Believing Things Will Change Without Making an Effort: If you or your former partner have convinced yourself that, somehow, the problems you had in the past will change without either of you making an effort, this is magical thinking and a second chance probably won't work out.

Getting Help in Therapy

It can be difficult to put aside your emotions to evaluate whether or not a former relationship is worth giving a second chance. A strong wish to get back together can cloud your judgment.

Getting Help in Therapy

Working with a licensed mental health professional can help you to evaluate the situation objectively so you don't put yourself at risk for another heartbreak.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from an experienced psychotherapist who can help you to make a decision that is right for your emotional and psychological well-being.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), IFS, Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: Why You Should Avoid Quoting Your Therapist to Your Partner

You might be tempted to quote your therapist to your partner, but there are good reasons why you shouldn't (see my article: 5 Tips For Reducing Emotional Reactivity and Arguments in Your Relationship).

Why You Shouldn't Quote Your Therapist to Your Partner

Here are some of the most important reasons not to quote your therapist to your partner:

• The Potential Damage to Your Relationship By Weaponizing Your Therapist's Words: Quoting your therapist's words can be a form of "authority citing" where you use an expert's opinion to gain an unfair advantage in an argument. Saying things like, "My therapist says I should stand up to you" can shut down a dialog between you and your partner because your partner feels undermined and attacked. The weaponization of your therapist's words is a toxic habit which can erode trust and intimacy in your relationship.

Why You Shouldn't Quote Your Therapist to Your Partner

• The Potential to Misrepresent Your Therapist: Keep in mind that if you're in individual therapy, your therapist might never have met your partner, so whatever she tells you is based on what you tell her. So presenting your therapist's words as an objective assessment of your partner is a misrepresentation. 

• The Potential to Erode Your Partner's Trust: When you quote your therapist, you can make your partner feel like they are being secretly judged and evaluated. This can create a sense of unfairness. Your partner might also feel like they have no way to defend themselves. This can erode trust between you and your partner. In order for a relationship to thrive, you don't want your partner to feel like they are constantly on trial.

Why You Shouldn't Quote Your Therapist to Your Partner

• The Potential to Change the Nature of Your Therapy: One of the benefits of attending therapy is that you have a private and safe place to talk about your feelings. If you're reporting your sessions to your partner, you can begin to censor yourself in therapy. Knowing that you're going to report your therapy sessions to your partner, you can hinder your personal growth in therapy. The therapeutic space is meant to be a confidential place where you are honest without having to worry about what your partner thinks when you report back what was said in your sessions.

How Can You Share How You Feelings Without Quoting Your Therapist?

Instead of quoting your therapist, use "I" statements that express your own thoughts, feelings, needs and insights.

• Share Your Own Insights: When you have a realization in a therapy session, instead of quoting your therapist, share your own insights. So, instead of saying, "My therapist said I need to improve my communication skills with you", say, "I realize I sometimes have problems communicating my needs to you so I'm working on that."

Why You Should Avoid Quoting Your Therapist to Your Partner

• Focus on Your Feelings: Focus on your own internal state. So, instead of saying, "My therapist said you don't listen," say, "Sometimes I feel unheard by you with certain topics." This is a more productive way of communicating rather than making your partner feel blamed by your therapist.

Why You Should Avoid Quoting Your Therapist to Your Partner

• Share Your Personal Growth: You can share your personal growth in terms of various milestones without giving specific details. Examples of this might include, "I'm learning new coping skills in therapy" or "I'm learning to process unresolved trauma in my therapy."

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and a Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: How to Rebuild Trust After You Have Betrayed Your Partner

Several years ago I wrote an article about rebuilding trust after a betrayal in a relationship focusing on the person who was betrayed. 

In the current article I'm focusing on how the person who betrayed their partner can try to rebuild trust.

Rebuilding Trust After You Betrayed Your Partner

How Can You Rebuild Trust in Your Relationship After You Have Betrayed Your Partner?

If you have betrayed your partner and your partner is willing to give you a second chance, be aware that this can be a delicate time in your relationship.

Even if you both want to try to work it out, it might not last. The reason for this is that many couples who try to work on their relationship after a betrayal discover the road to rebuilding trust is harder than they anticipated and they just can't get there.

Rebuilding Trust After You Have Betrayed Your Partner

If you're sincere and you're both willing to do the work, here are some suggestions that can help:

• Listen to Your Partner Express Their Pain: You need to listen to your partner express the pain you caused them without getting defensive or making excuses. This often involves more than just one conversation, but if you want to regain your partner's trust, you need to be attuned to their pain. Your partner might need time to fully realize the affect of this betrayal, what it meant to them and how they will express it to you. Allow them the time and space to do it.

Rebuilding Trust After You Have Betrayed Your Partner

• Acknowledge the Harm You Did and Validate Your Partner's Feelings: After you have listened attentively without getting defensive, be open and honest in acknowledging the pain you caused your partner. Let your partner know you're aware of how much you hurt them.  

• Offer a Sincere Apology: Saying "I'm sorry" once is unlikely to be enough. You might need to express your genuine remorse for your betrayal more than once and over time.

• Be Open to Talk to Your Partner About How the Two of You Got to This Point: It's important that you take responsibility for your actions without any excuses. But it's also important, when the time is right, for the two of you to talk about how you both got to this point in your relationship. If it's too difficult for the two of you to do this on your own, consider couples therapy where a a licensed mental health professional can help you both to have these difficult conversations, work towards healing and begin the process of rebuilding trust.

Rebuilding Trust After You Have Betrayed Your Partner

• Be Consistent and Dependable: Keep your promises. Maintain whatever commitments you made to your partner. These include both big and small commitments. Be predictable in your behavior--show up when you say you're going to show up and do what you said you would do. You need to demonstrate to your partner that you're trustworthy.

• Communicate Openly and Honestly: Share your thoughts and feelings and be an active listener when your partner communicates with you--even though it might be hard to hear how much pain you caused them.

Rebuilding Trust After You Have Betrayed Your Partner

• Reflect on Your Behavior and How You Need to Change: Examine your behavior and address patterns you need to change.

• Make a Commitment For Positive Change: Be sincere about making positive changes and then show your partner how you're making these changes.

Rebuilding Trust After You Betrayed Your Partner

• Provide Reassurance: In the aftermath of your betrayal, your partner will probably need more reassurance from you than before they discovered the betrayal. So, find ways to show you care. Create an atmosphere of safety so that, over time, your partner can regain trust in you.

• Work on Developing a Better Connection With Your Partner: Create positive shared experiences together to reinforce your bond.

• Be Patient and Allow Time For Healing: Healing after a betrayal is a process and the process can't be put on a timetable. There is no quick fix. Once trust has been broken, it takes time to heal and everyone heals in their own time.

What If You and Your Partner Discover Your Relationship is Beyond Repair?

As mentioned above, it's not always possible to rebuild trust--even when both people really try.

There are times when both people make a genuine effort to rebuild trust, but in the process they discover they have reached an impasse. 

Your Relationship Might Be Beyond Repair

For instance, your partner might realize they really can't overcome their hurt and resentment or you might realize you're not willing or able to make the necessary changes needed to rebuild trust.

At that point, you should both attempt to separate in a way that doesn't cause any additional pain.

Once you have decided to end the relationship, be clear about boundaries.

Take Time to Grieve

Take time to grieve the end of the relationship. 

Practice self care. 

Seek emotional support from people close to you.

Consider getting help from a licensed mental health professional to help you heal.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing, Parts Work Therapist (IFS and Ego States Therapy) and a Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also see my article:

What Do You Consider Cheating?

Relationships: What Does It Mean to Be Monogamish?

The term "monogamish" was originally coined by Dan Savage, a nationally syndicated columnist and author.

Monogamish Relationships

Monogamish refers to a couple who is primarily monogamous but their relationship agreement allows for occasional sexual or romantic activity with others with the full consent of both people in the primary relationship.

What Are the Key Characteristics of Monogamish Couples?

The key characteristics of monogamish couples include:

• Being Mostly Monogamous: The primary couple is usually monogamous and they remain committed to their relationship.

• Agreed Upon Nonmonogamy: The partners in the primary relationship have an established agreement that has rules and boundaries for sexual or romantic connections outside the primary relationship. This can range from occasional flirting to infrequent sexual or romantic connections outside the relationship--depending upon what each individual in the primary relationship wants.

Monogamish Relationships

• Focus on Casual Connections Outside the Relationship: The couple's agreement is that any connections outside their relationship will be infrequent and casual without any intent of forming lasting relationships with others.

• Communication and Trust: Monogamish relationships require a high level of open communication, collaboration and trust within the primary relationship to navigate the possible challenges involved. A written agreement that is collaborated between the individuals in the primary relationship is recommended.

Monogamish Relationships

• Enhanced Connection: Many couples in monogamish relationships find that new experiences outside their primary relationship can enhance their relationship by strengthening their bond and increasing satisfaction with their relationship. Other couples prefer to have a Don't Ask Don't Tell agreement or only share limited information between them about their experiences with others. Other couples experiment with being monogamish and discover it doesn't work for them for a variety of reasons.

How Are Monogamish Relationships Different From Other Relationships?

Monogamish relationships differ from other relationship modalities:

• Completely Monogamous: Relationships that are strictly monogamous maintain a sexual and romantic connection within their relationship. They have no agreement to have other romantic or sexual connections with others.

• Polyamory: These relationships include multiple loving, romantic and sexual relationships at the same time with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved (see my article: What is Solo Polyamory?).

Monogamish Relationships

• Open Relationships: This is a broad term for all consensually nonmonogamous relationships.

How Can You and Your Partner Develop a Monogamish Relationship?

Here are some considerations for being in a monogamish relationship--assuming both individuals in the primary relationship want to be monogamish:

• Have a Written Agreement: It's important to have a clearly defined agreement in writing about the boundaries and expectations in terms of what is and isn't allowed as part of the monogamish agreement. Having the agreement in writing helps both people to be clear on what they are agreeing to and to make revisions to the agreement when necessary. 

Monogamish Relationships

• Talk About Jealousy: Although jealousy is common in monogamish relationships, it's important to know how to manage jealous feelings calmly and in a way where each person in the primary relationship can address their needs (see my article: What is Compersion in Nonmonogamous Relationships?).

• Work Through Insecurities: Being able to address insecurities as they come up is important, especially when there might be small deviations from the couple's agreement.

• Be Aware That Switching to Being Monogamish Won't Save a Struggling Relationship: Too often couples switch from being monogamous to being monogamish when they are struggling with certain problems in their relationship, including discrepancies in sexual desire or infidelity. However, being monogamish often makes existing problems worse and can add problems to an already struggling relationship. Being monogamish works best when the relationship is stable and the couple is basically satisfied within the relationship. When there are existing problems, a couple would do better to work on these problems first either on their own or, if they can't resolve the problems on their own, to seek help in couples therapy (see my article: What is Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy?).

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

Being monogamish can be challenging at times for couples of all sexual orientations.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

An experienced couples therapist who is also a sex therapist can help couples to navigate these challenges so that the needs of both people are met.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who has an expertise with all types of relationships.

About Me

I am licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and a Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.