How to Decide Whether to Give a Former Relationship a Second Chance

Second chance relationships are common. Some studies show that nearly half of young couples and a third of cohabitating older couples get back together after a breakup. 

Second Chance Relationships

About 40% of couples who are going through the divorce process express an interest in reconciliation.

Let's start by defining second chance relationships.

What is a Second Chance Relationship?

A second chance relationship is when a couple who broke up get back together again after a period of separation.

Under these circumstances, the two former partners usually decide to forgive each other and make an attempt to grow from the situation by trying to work on the problems they had when they were together before.  

How Can You Decide Whether to Give Your Former Partner a Second Chance?

It's important to assess the situation objectively before you give your former relationship a second chance.

Here are some factors to consider:

• Low Quality Relationships: An on again, off again relationship often has a poor chance of surviving a real second chance. 

• Trust Issues: Rebuilding trust can be a challenge, especially if the breakup was due to cheating, betrayal or other trust issues.

• A Toxic Relationship: If the relationship was abusive, a second chance is usually not advisable. Your mental, emotional, psychological and physical health are important.

Second Chance Relationships

• Non-negotiables: Think about whether there were non-negotiable issues the first time around.  For example, if one of you really wants to have children and the other is adamant about not having children, this is a non-negotiable issue if neither of you changes your mind. If those issues still exist, it's usually not advisable to give the relationship a second chance because you will both be dealing with the same issues you couldn't work out the first time.

• Learning From the Past: Have each of you taken responsibility for your share of the problems the first time around? If one or both of you hasn't learned from the mistakes of the past, it's unlikely that a second chance relationship will work out (see my article: Learning From Past Relationships).

• Forgiveness: Have you both learned to forgive the mistakes of the other from the first time around? Are you both capable of moving past the hurt and resentment from the past. If not, it's going to be challenging to have a second chance relationship (see my article: The Psychological Stages of Forgiveness).

• Commitment to Change: Each of you must be willing to make a commitment to change what didn't work in the past. That might mean each of you doing your own work on your personal growth so you don't repeat the same mistakes from the past.

• Making Sure You're Not Getting Back Together For the Wrong Reasons: If one or both of you wants to get back together for the wrong reasons, chances are that the relationship won't work out the second time. The wrong reasons can include: 

• Desperation or Loneliness: A second chance relationship might provide temporary relief from desperation and loneliness, but if you have the same relationship problems as you did the first time, it's probably not going to work out.  

• Fear of Being Alone: If one or both of you are getting back together because you're afraid of being alone, chances are you're going to face the same problems you did the first time. 

• Believing Things Will Change Without Making an Effort: If you or your former partner have convinced yourself that, somehow, the problems you had in the past will change without either of you making an effort, this is magical thinking and a second chance probably won't work out.

Getting Help in Therapy

It can be difficult to put aside your emotions to evaluate whether or not a former relationship is worth giving a second chance. A strong wish to get back together can cloud your judgment.

Getting Help in Therapy

Working with a licensed mental health professional can help you to evaluate the situation objectively so you don't put yourself at risk for another heartbreak.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from an experienced psychotherapist who can help you to make a decision that is right for your emotional and psychological well-being.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), IFS, Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.