tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-62991847614903205242024-03-17T23:03:04.294-04:00NYC Psychotherapy BlogI am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing, EFT Couples Therapist and Sex Therapist. My focus tends to be experiential psychotherapy. See my profile for more info. This site is not intended as a substitute for psychotherapy. No client-counselor relationship exists between the user and the owner of this site. To set up a consultation with me please call (917) 742-2624. All material on this site is copyrighted and cannot be used without permission.Josephine Ferraro, LCSWhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00594256291815008994noreply@blogger.comBlogger1434125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6299184761490320524.post-73608024124166242572024-03-17T17:04:00.001-04:002024-03-17T17:04:07.773-04:00What is Toxic Stress?<div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Stress is a common response to daily experiences in life--both positive and negative. </span><span style="font-size: large;">It can be beneficial when it motivates you to make positive changes in your life. </span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj4yAp1FfDB9gYv-HVTLn172GtvafZFKUKXqWJeS75KvmlgExiD12t2TfTiOwYNlLyGs5grkk-7K9hNDOk8nzRz_-gMbyw26n5YlXd6W_buaLI5YuoEpywrzLBbCUUWfUKUtXxEJ8ZfFP2yh2ePIepd-M4G6U0oz5tJytZpbMSI67ipro0mQGs4jUNi1fI/s5760/shutterstock_548638960%20(1).jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="4046" data-original-width="5760" height="281" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj4yAp1FfDB9gYv-HVTLn172GtvafZFKUKXqWJeS75KvmlgExiD12t2TfTiOwYNlLyGs5grkk-7K9hNDOk8nzRz_-gMbyw26n5YlXd6W_buaLI5YuoEpywrzLBbCUUWfUKUtXxEJ8ZfFP2yh2ePIepd-M4G6U0oz5tJytZpbMSI67ipro0mQGs4jUNi1fI/w400-h281/shutterstock_548638960%20(1).jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-size: medium;">What is Toxic Stress?</span></b></td></tr></tbody></table><b><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></b></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">However, when stress is chronic and overwhelming and you don't have <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2009/10/psychotherapy-developing-internal.html">internal resources</a> or emotional support to deal with stress, it can become toxic stress (see my article: <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2011/01/mind-body-connection-responding-instead.html">Responding Instead of Reacting to Stress</a>).</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">This article will focus on the connection between toxic and trauma as it begins in early childhood and continues into adulthood (see my article: <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2016/09/stress-management-taking-time-out-for.html">Stress Management: Taking Time For Self Care</a>).</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>What Are the Different Types of Stress?</b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>Positive Stress</b>: Positive stress is also known as eustress. Positive stress responses are normal responses to infrequent, short lived and mild stressful experiences. During childhood, if a child is given emotional support to deal with positive stress, the child develops motivation and <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2013/07/resilience-tips-on-how-you-can-learn-to.html">resilience</a><span>. Over time, as a child develops skills to deal with positive stressors, the child also develops self confidence. Examples of positive stress for children include:</span></span></li></ul><ul style="text-align: left;"><ul><li><span style="font-size: medium;"><span>Meeting new people</span></span></li><li><span style="font-size: medium;"><span>Learning a new task</span></span></li><li><span style="font-size: medium;"><span>Learning a new game or hobby</span></span></li></ul></ul><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>Tolerable Stress</b>: Tolerable stress is more frequent, sustained and severe. Tolerable stress has more of an impact on the mind and body as compared to positive stress. With emotional support, once the tolerable stress is removed, a child's mind and body usually return to their normal level of functioning. Examples of tolerable stress for children include:</span></li></ul><ul style="text-align: left;"><ul><li><span style="font-size: medium;">Parental divorce</span></li><li><span style="font-size: medium;">Death of a loved one</span></li></ul></ul><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>Toxic Stress</b>: Toxic stress often begins in childhood where prolonged exposure to stress has a damaging effect on a child's mind and body. When children are exposed to unrelenting stress without emotional support, the mind and body are often unable to recover. Toxic stress is related to adverse childhood experiences (see below) also known as ACEs. Examples of toxic stress include:</span></li></ul><ul style="text-align: left;"><ul><li><span style="font-size: medium;">Abuse</span></li><li><span style="font-size: medium;"><a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2013/12/what-is-childhood-emotional-neglect.html">Emotional neglect</a><br /></span></li><li><span style="font-size: medium;">Poverty</span></li><li><span style="font-size: medium;">Food scarcity</span></li><li><span style="font-size: medium;">Poor health</span></li><li><span style="font-size: medium;">Violence</span></li><li><span style="font-size: medium;"><a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2015/03/psychotherapy-blog-dynamics-of-adult.html">family dysfunction</a> including, but not limited to, caregivers with substance abuse or mental health conditions</span></li></ul></ul><div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>What Are Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs)?</b></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">Adverse childhood experiences (ACEs) are potentially traumatic events, as mentioned above, that occur in childhood (ages 0-17 years) that can result in toxic stress.</span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">Toxic stress related to ACEs can result in health and mental health problems especially if these experiences are unmitigated by emotional support from loved ones.</span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>How Common Are Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs)?</b></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">Unfortunately, ACEs are common.</span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg56NyTgNY8IgUJ5YasHYjHQHWYzaMmNAXuuO2_asaAwVTmt9u6BwlzKSryqhm27RqrNsLEnoJshz_t9yqEAeEXBuFYSOdBznXqO1qzOXNNF8qnJrSpHSoJIeg-_zjQclu_HEnZkf5SxQmj1w4Orkszd0M2WZrrhMN2tDlC338awSAZg7BX32c3fkgWpws/s6720/shutterstock_1905970363%20(1).jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="4480" data-original-width="6720" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg56NyTgNY8IgUJ5YasHYjHQHWYzaMmNAXuuO2_asaAwVTmt9u6BwlzKSryqhm27RqrNsLEnoJshz_t9yqEAeEXBuFYSOdBznXqO1qzOXNNF8qnJrSpHSoJIeg-_zjQclu_HEnZkf5SxQmj1w4Orkszd0M2WZrrhMN2tDlC338awSAZg7BX32c3fkgWpws/w400-h266/shutterstock_1905970363%20(1).jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-size: medium;">Adverse Childhood Experiences and Toxic Stress</span></b></td></tr></tbody></table></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">Approximately 64% of adults reported they had at least one experience with ACEs and about 17.3% of adults reported having four or more experiences as children with ACEs. </span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">All children are potentially at risk for ACEs, but ACEs are more likely to occur with girls, racial minorities and in families where adults are unemployed or unable to work.</span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div></div></div><div style="text-align: left;"><b><span style="font-size: medium;">What is the Effect of ACEs and Toxic Stress?</span></b></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Without emotional support ACEs and toxic stress can result in one or more of the following problems:</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;">Permanent damaging effects to brain architecture</span></li></ul><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;">Epigenetic change alteration (modifications to DNA which determine whether genes are turned on or off)</span></li></ul><ul><li><span style="font-size: medium;">Long term health consequences, including</span></li></ul><ul style="text-align: left;"><ul><li><span style="font-size: medium;">Immune dysregulation</span></li><li><span><span style="font-size: medium;">Persistent inflammatory state and health conditions related to inflammation</span></span></li><li><span><span><span style="font-size: medium;">Increased risk for cancer and heart disease</span></span></span></li><li><span><span><span><span style="font-size: medium;">Other chronic health problems</span></span></span></span></li></ul></ul><ul style="text-align: left;"></ul><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span><span style="font-size: medium;">Long term mental health consequences, including:</span></span></li></ul><ul style="text-align: left;"><ul><li><span style="font-size: medium;"><a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2022/05/self-help-tips-for-coping-with-anxiety.html">Anxiety</a><br /></span></li><li><span style="font-size: medium;">Depression</span></li><li><span style="font-size: medium;">Emotional dysregulation</span></li><li><span style="font-size: medium;">Other mental health problems</span></li></ul></ul><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>How Do ACEs and Toxic Stress Effect Adults?</b></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">Adults who grew up exposed to ACEs without emotional support are more likely to get into unhealthy relationships.</span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEilV1gRvBCp59he22tAMn7Zjr2UwSlTU_ho78_bXRqBIDnyQjNAj7Z8Udm873MCjAmmw2pjCHJR9SEmFfLYPhv9kVKeWhQLaT2o436tfwzv_jGzG3KSdhU-0RirowMx81-nzWEH5D_qicv1V2DGVS2MRUNBkVKTwRhEiwy-56h0dLOjg3OeGhJRJMj5k40/s5616/shutterstock_93078454%20(1).jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="3744" data-original-width="5616" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEilV1gRvBCp59he22tAMn7Zjr2UwSlTU_ho78_bXRqBIDnyQjNAj7Z8Udm873MCjAmmw2pjCHJR9SEmFfLYPhv9kVKeWhQLaT2o436tfwzv_jGzG3KSdhU-0RirowMx81-nzWEH5D_qicv1V2DGVS2MRUNBkVKTwRhEiwy-56h0dLOjg3OeGhJRJMj5k40/w400-h266/shutterstock_93078454%20(1).jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-size: medium;">Toxic Stress and Adult Relationship Problems</span></b></td></tr></tbody></table></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">Without emotional and mental health support, this can have a <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2011/01/psychotherapy-and-transgenerational.html">traumatic intergenerational traumatic impact</a> where one generation after the next form unstable relationships.</span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">Adults who experienced ACEs as children have an increased risk for having an unstable work history, financial problems, debt and other related problems.</span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>How to Reduce the Risk of ACEs and Toxic Stress</b></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">Adverse childhood experiences (ACEs) are preventable. </span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) is the national public health agency for the U.S. It is a federal agency under the Health and Human Services Department.</span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">The CDC recommends the following steps to prevent ACEs:</span></div><div><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;">Strengthening family financial security</span></li><li><span style="font-size: medium;">Implementing family-friendly work policies</span></li><li><span style="font-size: medium;">Promoting public education campaigns to educate people about ACEs</span></li><li><span style="font-size: medium;">Promoting legislative approaches to reduce corporal punishment</span></li><li><span style="font-size: medium;">Promoting bystander approaches</span></li><li><span style="font-size: medium;">Promoting men and boys as allies in prevention</span></li><li><span style="font-size: medium;">Implementing early childhood programs to ensure a strong start for children</span></li><li><span style="font-size: medium;">Implementing high quality child care</span></li><li><span style="font-size: medium;">Promoting preschool enrichment with family involvement</span></li><li><span style="font-size: medium;">Teaching social-emotional learning</span></li><li><span style="font-size: medium;">Teaching safe dating and relationship skills</span></li><li><span style="font-size: medium;">Teaching parenting and healthy family relationship skills</span></li><li><span style="font-size: medium;">Developing mentor programs</span></li><li><span style="font-size: medium;">Developing after school programs</span></li><li><span style="font-size: medium;">Developing enhanced primary care</span></li><li><span style="font-size: medium;">Developing victim-centered services</span></li><li><span style="font-size: medium;">Developing treatment approaches to reduce the harm of ACEs</span></li><li><span style="font-size: medium;">Developing treatment to prevent problem behavior and future involvement in violence</span></li><li><span style="font-size: medium;">Developing family-centered treatment for substance abuse</span></li></ul></div><div><b style="font-size: large;">Getting Help in Therapy</b></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">As an adult, if you have been impacted by toxic stress, you could benefit from seeking help in therapy.</span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhMKk_Cqq1CIGefnsImWd45Fp_T1smOqsCedQXk1CicRvNrJcf1EC4nNVgxhlDAhkVD4FAHrUJFtFAvxz9Fs_WW9pm0jofK2ksSLhZQUvFkzuzlQ1VlDYxSYglWPvYRsntMgwPMfbO6WHbus2bY7H1pFpj0NUI9BiFLZsfI3zhFTUTN49DOSPkjZsLDfsY/s5760/shutterstock_1756298870%20(6).jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="3840" data-original-width="5760" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhMKk_Cqq1CIGefnsImWd45Fp_T1smOqsCedQXk1CicRvNrJcf1EC4nNVgxhlDAhkVD4FAHrUJFtFAvxz9Fs_WW9pm0jofK2ksSLhZQUvFkzuzlQ1VlDYxSYglWPvYRsntMgwPMfbO6WHbus2bY7H1pFpj0NUI9BiFLZsfI3zhFTUTN49DOSPkjZsLDfsY/w400-h266/shutterstock_1756298870%20(6).jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-size: medium;">Getting Help in Therapy</span></b></td></tr></tbody></table></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">Working with a skilled psychotherapist, who has an expertise with toxic stress and trauma, can help you to overcome the damaging effects of toxic stress.</span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a qualified mental health professional.</span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>About Me</b></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.</b></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><b><br /></b></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>As a <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2020/04/what-is-trauma-therapist_27.html">trauma therapist</a>, I have helped many individual adults and couples overcome the impact of toxic stress and trauma.</b></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><b><br /></b></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>To find out more about me, visit my website: <a href="https://josephineferrarotherapy.com">Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist</a>.</b></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><b><br /></b></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or <a href="mailto:josephineferraro@iCloud.com">email me</a>.</b></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span><span><span><span><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></span></span></span></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span><span><span><span><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></span></span></span></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span><span style="font-size: medium;"><span> </span><br /></span></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><span><br /></span></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><span><br /></span></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><span><br /></span></span></div><div class="blogger-post-footer">Disclaimer: The postings on this blog are not meant to take the place of obtaining professional mental health services.</div>Josephine Ferraro, LCSWhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00594256291815008994noreply@blogger.comNew York, NY, USA40.7127753 -74.005972812.402541463821152 -109.1622228 69.023009136178842 -38.849722799999995tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6299184761490320524.post-24939292074113258402024-03-13T13:06:00.000-04:002024-03-13T13:06:18.222-04:00Your Psychotherapist Thinks About You Between Sessions<div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">I had my first experience with therapy when I was 18 years old. I wanted to move out on my own to be independent, but I also felt ambivalent about being on my own, so I sought help from a psychoanalyst who had a lot of experience working with teenagers.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">After a few months of therapy, I was able to move out to a women's residence in Greenwich Village which was recommended by my therapist. This turned out to be the best decision I could have made for myself. Not only was it affordable at the time, but it also enabled me to grow in ways I couldn't have imagined at the time. </span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhSaBlqFQBSmYrymM6Kf-ywczpTX0mJSmw0-dqVyqezTGoYooiWzzYgNkyhpeJRqeiS-fTbFKlAKNRtT6djnI2oOrnrWKrJi8lJ87e8-ysFC6CnTt241LbzjClhR9VG-Fxm8nWcPRgwi3najvhE4TQDBl2FfmUjYkUyRqI2whyphenhyphenrP01q7gH9qf-4FdFgdKI/s5463/shutterstock_1191120943.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="3642" data-original-width="5463" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhSaBlqFQBSmYrymM6Kf-ywczpTX0mJSmw0-dqVyqezTGoYooiWzzYgNkyhpeJRqeiS-fTbFKlAKNRtT6djnI2oOrnrWKrJi8lJ87e8-ysFC6CnTt241LbzjClhR9VG-Fxm8nWcPRgwi3najvhE4TQDBl2FfmUjYkUyRqI2whyphenhyphenrP01q7gH9qf-4FdFgdKI/w400-h266/shutterstock_1191120943.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-size: medium;">Your Therapist Thinks About You Between Sessions</span></b></td></tr></tbody></table></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">An added benefit was that the residence was just a few short blocks from my therapist's office, so it felt safe to be close to his office. But I also had mixed feelings about being so close because I wondered if I would run into him on the street and whether this would be uncomfortable for me or for him (I never did run into him).</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">I often wondered if my therapist thought about me between sessions, which I didn't have the courage to ask him at the time. But I obviously hoped that he did because it would have meant to me that he thought I was important enough to think about--even when I wasn't in his office.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">My therapist and I had our ups and downs, but overall it was a very positive experience (see my article: <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2010/11/psychotherapy-treatment-ruptures-and.html">Ruptures and Repairs in Therapy</a>).</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">That therapy ended successfully five years later, and I can look back on that experience as having had a profound impact in my life. That experience also made me want to become a therapist.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Many years later, after graduate school, I attended the same psychoanalytic postgraduate training program where my former therapist taught and supervised. </span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Sadly, he died several years before I entered the program, so he never knew I chose that program, but I often thought about him while I was in training, walking the same corridors he walked through and sitting in the same classrooms and consultation rooms.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">During my first year of training, I was shocked to stumble upon articles my former therapist had written about his adolescent clients. I can still remember my heart was pounding when I found the folder in the institute's library with his name on it. </span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Most of the articles were written during the same time period when I was in therapy with him, which filled me with hope and dread. The hopeful part of me wondered: Would I find articles about me? And the part that felt dread also wondered: Would I find articles about me!?!</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">I felt like I had discovered a hidden treasure that might make me happy because he might have actually thought enough about me to write an article. Or, it could be disappointing: There's nothing in the articles about me. And why not?</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Without reading the articles, I photocopied them in a hurry and placed the folder back in the library drawer. </span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">I know now that my feelings weren't unique. Any therapist or therapist-in-training who has ever sat in the audience for a talk given by their therapist knows the mixture of hope and dread that a presentation might be about them.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">I also know now that therapists must get consent from their clients before discussing their case in a paper, book or presentation. </span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">But I didn't know this at the start of my postgraduate psychoanalytic training, so when I started reading my former therapist's articles, I read through them quickly to see if any of the cases even remotely sounded like mine. But, for better or worse, none of them did, and I was filled with a combination of relief and disappointment. </span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">I was relieved to not feel so emotionally exposed by reading anything about myself that would reflect poorly on me or how he felt about me. And, at the same time, I felt disappointed not to find myself in any of these articles because I wondered: Did he think about me at all between sessions?</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>Why Your Therapist Thinks About You Between Sessions</b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Now that I've been a psychotherapist for over 20 years, I know that therapists<i> do</i> think about their clients between sessions. </span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">So, if you've ever wondered about this, here are several reasons why your therapist probably thinks about you between therapy sessions:</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>Reflecting on Therapy Sessions</b>: Most therapists take the time between sessions to reflect on their sessions with clients. They think about their interactions with clients, any interventions they attempted and how to plan for the next session. They also think about whatever the sessions might have brought up for them personally and professionally. This is a valuable part of therapists' training and helps therapists to help their clients.</span></li></ul><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>Seeking Consultations</b>: Therapists in training must be in supervision in order to become licensed. But even after a therapist has a license, she will have times when she seeks professional consultations. These consultations are usually with a therapist who has more experience in an area the consultee doesn't have. To protect confidentiality, the therapist who is seeking the consultation doesn't reveal the client's name but provides basic information. Even seasoned psychotherapists seek consultations when they think it could benefit their clients.</span></li></ul><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>Making Referrals</b>: A therapist might make a referral to a colleague or to another healthcare professional, including a referral to a medical doctor, physical therapist, a therapist who specializes in certain issues or another healthcare professional. These referrals are made only if you agree and provide your consent. For instance, if your therapist isn't a <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2020/04/what-is-trauma-therapist_27.html">trauma therapist</a> and you need a referral for trauma therapy, she might recommend that you seek help with an EMDR therapist.</span></li></ul><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>Feeling Moved By a Client in Session</b>: Most therapists are caring human beings so they're often moved by what happens in sessions with their clients. Seeing a client making an emotional breakthrough is one of the most rewarding things a therapist can experience in session, so therapists will often think about those moments between sessions with compassion and awe.</span></li></ul></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>Conclusion</b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">As an 18 year old new to therapy and, later in life, as a therapist in training, I wondered if my former therapist thought about me between sessions. </span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Now, as an experienced psychotherapist, I know that he did because most therapists hold their clients in their hearts and minds between sessions.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>About Me</b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.</b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b><br /></b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>I work with individual adults and couples.</b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b><br /></b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>To find out more about me, visit my website: <a href="https://josephineferrarotherapy.com">Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist</a>.</b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b><br /></b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or <a href="mailto:josephineferraro@iCloud.com">email me</a>.</b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><b><br /></b></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b><br /></b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div class="blogger-post-footer">Disclaimer: The postings on this blog are not meant to take the place of obtaining professional mental health services.</div>Josephine Ferraro, LCSWhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00594256291815008994noreply@blogger.comNew York, NY, USA40.7127753 -74.005972812.402541463821152 -109.1622228 69.023009136178842 -38.849722799999995tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6299184761490320524.post-81171947526900359772024-03-05T13:30:00.001-05:002024-03-05T13:30:19.990-05:00Getting to Know the Many Parts of Yourself in Parts Work Therapy<span style="font-size: medium;">Parts Work therapy assumes that everyone has many different aspects as part of their psychological world (see my article: <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2024/03/what-you-resist-persists-more-you.html">What You Resist Persists: The More You Resist What You Don't Like About Yourself, the More It Persists</a>).</span><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjh25mSIR8dcpcD0Oet_D4gHTTvt5qm2uLIpYUDuIbtUz4MZ13NeyxSLvg2yW71OozFB71fvFn5IjR7qLCrGXjbg47jUa2PcYKUsIZaiQ3vlY2byi4X5t6E8GLkMRiksiqhqxi5EA_Y4OmS0QPl7FcgK5hLX6aehGOKhvCX2Pzi1gKvMBSVI9cpyNv2G08/s6022/shutterstock_1982847878.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><img border="0" data-original-height="4484" data-original-width="6022" height="297" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjh25mSIR8dcpcD0Oet_D4gHTTvt5qm2uLIpYUDuIbtUz4MZ13NeyxSLvg2yW71OozFB71fvFn5IjR7qLCrGXjbg47jUa2PcYKUsIZaiQ3vlY2byi4X5t6E8GLkMRiksiqhqxi5EA_Y4OmS0QPl7FcgK5hLX6aehGOKhvCX2Pzi1gKvMBSVI9cpyNv2G08/w400-h297/shutterstock_1982847878.jpg" width="400" /></span></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-size: medium;">Getting to Know the Many Parts of Yourself in Parts Work Therapy</span></b></td></tr></tbody></table></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">This article focuses on how you can understand your internal world and the role of Parts Work in overcoming psychological problems.</span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>What is Parts Work and How Is It Different From Traditional Therapy?</b></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">Parts Work is a broad category for different types of therapy including but not limited to:</span></div><div><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;">Gestalt therapy</span></li><li><span style="font-size: medium;"><a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2021/04/how-parts-work-therapy-helps-to-empower.html">Ego States Therapy</a><br /></span></li><li><span style="font-size: medium;">Internal Family Systems (IFS)</span></li><li><span style="font-size: medium;">Voice Dialogue therapy</span></li><li><span style="font-size: medium;">Jungian archetypes</span></li></ul></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">Each of these modalities has its own unique method for helping you to access your internal world of parts and to heal traumatized parts.</span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhJGzsQ7hpzv2UyG2BNTQ1DLyhL4vRmx1SlpgJkZoXRbi0X5SwM480wmzJOEbgIBSV5X-gePzcY5MsfxIi9YTtaErMyn5kElY_Iz50vNoeF90lQsvklAqnPzXkUUPWmBuROVkypcCtGYm2tsBCQA5WmxoUFSSKUXqRyow00de74ZLWoZ4geN7dsG4SpWsY/s6607/shutterstock_1891107136%20(4).jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><img border="0" data-original-height="4405" data-original-width="6607" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhJGzsQ7hpzv2UyG2BNTQ1DLyhL4vRmx1SlpgJkZoXRbi0X5SwM480wmzJOEbgIBSV5X-gePzcY5MsfxIi9YTtaErMyn5kElY_Iz50vNoeF90lQsvklAqnPzXkUUPWmBuROVkypcCtGYm2tsBCQA5WmxoUFSSKUXqRyow00de74ZLWoZ4geN7dsG4SpWsY/w400-h266/shutterstock_1891107136%20(4).jpg" width="400" /></span></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-size: medium;">Getting to Know the Many Parts of Yourself in Parts Work Therapy</span></b></td></tr></tbody></table></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">What each of these modalities has in common is an understanding that psychological healing involves more than developing psychological insight into your unresolved problems. </span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">Beyond insight, it involves getting to know your psychological landscape and giving a voice to the many different facets of yourself.</span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">Unlike some traditional forms of psychotherapy, which assume certain thoughts and emotions are negative or unwanted, Parts Work is <i>nonjudgmental</i> and <i>fosters a sense of acceptance</i> for all parts of yourself. </span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">Compassionate self acceptance allows you to have a gentler way of approaching aspects of yourself related to unresolved problems.</span></div></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">Rather than trying to get rid of the parts of yourself you don't like, Parts Work allows you to integrate these parts in a healthy way by:</span></div><div><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;">Giving a voice to each part</span></li><li><span style="font-size: medium;">Allowing each part to communicate what it needs and what it fears</span></li><li><span style="font-size: medium;">Understanding how and why each part gets <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2024/03/8-tips-for-coping-with-emotional.html">triggered</a></span></li><li><span style="font-size: medium;">Developing a healthy relationship with each part to foster psychological integration and healing</span></li></ul><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>How I Use Parts Work With Clients</b></span></div></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">I have many different ways of helping clients to overcome unresolved problems, including problems related to <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2022/12/what-is-complex-trauma.html">complex trauma</a>.</span></div><div><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;">Parts Work (Ego States therapy and Internal Family Systems as described in this article) </span></li></ul><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;"><a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2015/02/psychotherapy-blog-how-emdr-works-part.html">EMDR Therapy</a> (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing)</span></li></ul><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;"><a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2020/08/what-is-accelerated-experiential.html">AEDP</a> (Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy)</span></li></ul><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;"><a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2009/05/what-is-clinical-hypnosis.html">Hypnotherapy</a></span></li></ul><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;"><a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2022/11/trauma-therapy-benefits-of-somatic.html">Somatic Experiencing</a></span></li></ul></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">To choose a particular modality, I assess which type of therapy is best for a client's needs in collaboration with the client. </span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">As a therapist who integrates many different modalities, I often integrate different types of therapy based on the needs of the client.</span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">For instance, as a <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2020/04/what-is-trauma-therapist_27.html">trauma therapist</a>, I might assess that EMDR therapy is the best way to begin with a particular client. </span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><span>Even though I have chosen EMDR to start, I'm aware clients often encounter an obstacle along the way </span><span>and we will need to overcome this block to continue with EMDR. </span><span>This obstacle is referred to as an <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2014/09/psychotherapy-blog-working-on-emotional.html">emotional block</a>.</span></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">The metaphor that is often associated with encountering a block in EMDR is one where a moving train is blocked due to fallen tree on the tracks. The train can't proceed until the tree (or block) is removed, so this is where Parts Work can be integrated with EMDR to overcome an obstacle in the treatment.</span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">By exploring the obstacle through Parts Work, the client and I can discover the nature of this blocking part and what it needs. Often, it's a matter of asking the part to step aside (metaphorically), but it's also possible that the part needs more attention before it will allow the EMDR therapy to proceed.</span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">In traditional therapy, a blocking part would be considered a defense mechanism such as resistance. Rather than interpreting this obstacle as something negative to be gotten rid of, Parts Work approaches the blocking part with compassion to work with it directly in a kind and gentle way. </span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">If I'm using Parts Work as the primary modality, I help the client to have a complete experience of the part using the Somatic Experiencing concept called <b>SIBAM</b>:</span></div><div><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>Sensation</b>: What information is the client getting from their body? This could include sensations in any part of the body as well as muscle tension.</span></li></ul><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>Image</b>: This refers to sensory impression including sight, sound, taste, taste and touch.</span></li></ul><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>Behavior</b>: This refers to observable behavior including gestures, facial expressions and posture as well as an increase in heart rate and other visceral reactions.</span></li></ul><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>Affect</b>: This refers to emotion and the client's <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2020/10/what-is-felt-sense-in-experiential.html">felt sense</a> experience.</span></li></ul><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>Meaning</b>: Using language, the client puts words to the total experience of sensation, image, behavior and affect.</span></li></ul><div><span style="font-size: medium;">So, Parts Work can be used as a standalone therapy or in combination with other types of <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2018/02/why-experiential-psychotherapy-is-more.html">Experiential therapy</a> like EMDR, Somatic Experiencing, AEDP and hypnotherapy.</span></div></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>What Are the Benefits of Parts Work?</b></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">Whether its used as a standalone therapy or in conjunction with other modalities, Parts Work is a transformational therapy.</span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">The benefits of Parts Work include:</span></div><div><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>Psychological Healing</b>: Parts Work allows you to address unresolved emotional wounds and traumatic memories which are buried deep within your mind. By having a dialogue with parts you might have <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2018/03/discovering-and-giving-voice-to.html">disavowed</a>, you begin the healing process by integrating split off parts of yourself so that you have a more integrated experience.</span></li></ul><div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh5mkaCw9c00C21mXwshR67V2YRQgaitRXEBnZyWOdpCccfasR7-MtKpJA5Xq7lZy9T4vQZk7Tb8wJctJcgTTd5obaUdtZt6WOLh_xCTYzzIqvBAIyP3iMXvapEXbHWKx5iFSgv0xNpPUPi1ybLvKGcfWSgRtz2fQHnbqymXW5MUWxMX1kSoNQWB1LVydo/s6720/shutterstock_1997810177%20(1).jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><img border="0" data-original-height="4480" data-original-width="6720" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh5mkaCw9c00C21mXwshR67V2YRQgaitRXEBnZyWOdpCccfasR7-MtKpJA5Xq7lZy9T4vQZk7Tb8wJctJcgTTd5obaUdtZt6WOLh_xCTYzzIqvBAIyP3iMXvapEXbHWKx5iFSgv0xNpPUPi1ybLvKGcfWSgRtz2fQHnbqymXW5MUWxMX1kSoNQWB1LVydo/w400-h266/shutterstock_1997810177%20(1).jpg" width="400" /></span></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-size: medium;">Getting to Know Yourself Through Parts Work Therapy</span></b></td></tr></tbody></table><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>Compassionate Self Acceptance</b>: Parts Work encourages a compassionate and collaborative experience with the many parts of yourself. Rather than viewing certain parts as negative or unwanted, you embrace all parts of yourself.</span></li></ul><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>Emotional Resilience</b>: Parts Work's integrated approach allows you to enhance your <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2009/06/emotional-resilience.html">emotional resilience</a> and coping skills because your internal world is more harmonious.</span></li></ul><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>Personal Growth</b>: Parts Work fosters personal growth through self integration. As you heal the various parts of you, you can discover new <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2009/10/psychotherapy-developing-internal.html">internal resources</a> within yourself for personal growth.</span></li></ul><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>Stress Reduction</b>: When your internal world is more integrated and harmonious, you can experience a reduction in internal conflict so you can reduce stress.</span></li></ul><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>Heal Trauma</b>: Whether Parts Work is used as a standalone therapy or together with other modalities, it provides a structured and supportive environment to heal trauma, including unresolved childhood trauma of abuse or <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2013/12/what-is-childhood-emotional-neglect.html">neglect</a> or more recent trauma.</span></li></ul></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>Getting Help in Therapy</b></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">If you're struggling with unresolved problems, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who uses Parts Work.</span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgBYY3PsA3BXYw8aq3_oaGUOh4Qs0c1CX3V0q1haT1yU8pA9kXiySk9Hral1FkpShtl2l24aoYy2_xK_xRa9DoRLawK7pSr1ZabhpFoJCMkrttbt_s5tjf_JdH5-yF3JHbcDghnLsbwS0Dr4J4-k_zn1cdapajqPAxyo-iIWE46xsT4C2ukLzt76E-wstA/s5760/shutterstock_1715734276%20(4).jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><img border="0" data-original-height="3840" data-original-width="5760" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgBYY3PsA3BXYw8aq3_oaGUOh4Qs0c1CX3V0q1haT1yU8pA9kXiySk9Hral1FkpShtl2l24aoYy2_xK_xRa9DoRLawK7pSr1ZabhpFoJCMkrttbt_s5tjf_JdH5-yF3JHbcDghnLsbwS0Dr4J4-k_zn1cdapajqPAxyo-iIWE46xsT4C2ukLzt76E-wstA/w400-h266/shutterstock_1715734276%20(4).jpg" width="400" /></span></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-size: medium;">Getting Help in Parts Work Therapy</span></b></td></tr></tbody></table></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">The many benefits of Parts Work can help you to heal from unresolved problems, including traumatic memories and <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2022/12/what-is-complex-trauma.html">complex trauma</a>.</span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">Rather than struggling on your own, seek help so you can overcome your personal struggles and live a more meaningful life.</span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>About Me</b></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.</b></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><b><br /></b></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>I work with individual adults and couples.</b></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><b><br /></b></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>To find out more about me, visit my website: <a href="http://josephineferrarotherapy.com">Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist</a>.</b></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><b><br /></b></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or <a href="http://josephineferrarotherapy.com">email me</a>.</b></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span><div><br /></div></div></div><div class="blogger-post-footer">Disclaimer: The postings on this blog are not meant to take the place of obtaining professional mental health services.</div>Josephine Ferraro, LCSWhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00594256291815008994noreply@blogger.comNew York, NY, USA40.7127753 -74.005972812.402541463821152 -109.1622228 69.023009136178842 -38.849722799999995tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6299184761490320524.post-29951630040474910442024-03-04T20:45:00.002-05:002024-03-04T20:46:29.730-05:00What You Resist Persists: The More You Resist What You Don't Like About Yourself, the More It Persists<div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Carl Jung, a Swiss psychiatrist and psychoanalyst (1875-1961), wisely stated that <i>what you resist not only persists--it gets stronger.</i></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj8b9UtJCl2NPmKUjfrThDingticnRKWDRo4oocMmPwKAzWLMs5l2bYkv5cFIrX8TxW5axAwRHXziN1IYxaZ0NEzqenujQOSax8ZF3WHZN4uVMnaSPgjJX3N0C8EywiEyIyi0vmAZpSlZhj4MVp1vUZ1z5RszvxafA-6ID8H1Nwd8jXAV39LPw4kHoyvLk/s5000/shutterstock_1093630343.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><img border="0" data-original-height="4531" data-original-width="5000" height="363" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj8b9UtJCl2NPmKUjfrThDingticnRKWDRo4oocMmPwKAzWLMs5l2bYkv5cFIrX8TxW5axAwRHXziN1IYxaZ0NEzqenujQOSax8ZF3WHZN4uVMnaSPgjJX3N0C8EywiEyIyi0vmAZpSlZhj4MVp1vUZ1z5RszvxafA-6ID8H1Nwd8jXAV39LPw4kHoyvLk/w400-h363/shutterstock_1093630343.jpg" width="400" /></span></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-size: medium;">What You Resist Persists</span></b></td></tr></tbody></table></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>What Happens When You Resist a Part of Yourself?</b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><span>In earlier articles I've discussed that we are all made of many different parts. </span><span>As an example, on the most basic level, you often hear people say things like, "A part of me wants to go to the movies, but another part of me wants to stay home." </span></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">This implies a basic understanding that, as humans, we're made up of a multiplicity of selves and that, at any given time, different parts (or aspects of self) emerge under different circumstances.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">When you resist acknowledging a part of yourself, you're unwilling or unable to deal with that part or the negative circumstances involved.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjFsWP_WC8GEacGFibVvnjkEWwXEonKDM7pq_eno8wRPiYDQ0DTTrICMAyBc2t1eQjsiZgkVRbw2XrKxS1-NPhf4G7OqMgpmEhhhyphenhyphenYkAKDGEiYTOZBi-E6dDgbebK4qh-dcmWtn9M4faBtBgzInVFuR6KHsWbmCovCOR5JuCE5L1bf14D8U6aRMJXTpUtI/s2500/shutterstock_2189855903.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1983" data-original-width="2500" height="318" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjFsWP_WC8GEacGFibVvnjkEWwXEonKDM7pq_eno8wRPiYDQ0DTTrICMAyBc2t1eQjsiZgkVRbw2XrKxS1-NPhf4G7OqMgpmEhhhyphenhyphenYkAKDGEiYTOZBi-E6dDgbebK4qh-dcmWtn9M4faBtBgzInVFuR6KHsWbmCovCOR5JuCE5L1bf14D8U6aRMJXTpUtI/w400-h318/shutterstock_2189855903.jpg" width="400" /></span></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-size: medium;">The More You Resist, the More It Persists</span></b></td></tr></tbody></table></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Instead of working through the negative circumstances related to the part of yourself that you're resisting, you try to suppress it, which only works for a short time before that part comes to the surface again--<i>usually stronger than before</i>.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">By suppressing this part over and over again, without realizing it, you're remaining attached to the negative circumstances related to this part instead of finding a resolution.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">In other words, you use a lot of energy to keep pushing down this aspect of yourself, but it only goes outside your conscious awareness temporarily. And <i>you can't get rid of it because</i> <i>it's a part of you</i>, so you end up in an ongoing cycle of frustration and resistance instead of resolving what you don't like.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">This ongoing resistance to keep your unwanted parts out of your conscious awareness causes a vicious cycle, and it takes more and more energy to keep suppressing it. This can lead to anxiety and depression as well as health issues as stress increases.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>Clinical Vignette</b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many different cases with all identifying information removed, illustrates the concept that resistance strengthens unwanted aspects of yourself. It also shows how Parts Work can help:</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>Bill</b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">When he was a child, Bill's parents were both highly critical of him. He grew up feeling inadequate and ashamed of himself.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">As a child, he unconsciously internalized this highly critical aspect of her parents, as children do under these circumstances, and throughout his childhood and adulthood, he often berated himself for minor mistakes.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">As an adult, Bill found it very difficult to tolerate his <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2009/07/overcoming-internal-critic.html">Inner Critic</a>. Whenever he made a mistake, this part of him surfaced and made him feel so uncomfortable that he did whatever he could do suppress it. </span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Inwardly, Bill became highly critical of his Inner Critic, cursed it and wished he could kill it off rather than deal with it.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">But whenever he thought he had succeeded in permanently suppressing this part of himself, the Inner Critic came back even stronger than before. Then it would take much more effort for Bill to suppress it again. And, over time, this became a vicious cycle, which made Bill increasingly anxious and unhappy.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">By the time Bill was in his mid-30s, he knew he needed to get help because his hatred for this part became much stronger over time and he didn't know what to do. So, he sought help from a licensed mental health professional.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Bill's therapist did Ego States Therapy, which is a particular type of Parts Work. She helped Bill to see that his resistance to his Inner Critic was only making matters worse. She explained that resistance wouldn't lead to a resolution.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">She helped Bill to tap into the Inner Critic to befriend it and find out what that part needed. At first, Bill was hesitant to do this because, up until that point, he had done everything he could to get away from that part. So, the idea of doing the opposite--befriending that part--felt scary to him. But he learned to trust his therapist and he opened himself up to do Parts Work.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Gradually, Bill realized this Inner Critic was an internalization of his parents' critical stance towards him that he took in at a young age. As he imagined talking to that part of himself, he realized that below the surface there was a sad, helpless child, his younger self.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">He also learned that although the Inner Critic appeared to be hostile towards him, this part had a <i>protective function</i>--it wanted to protect Bill from the criticism of others. This amazed Bill because he had never thought of the Inner Critic as being anything other than a hated part of himself.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">The more he engaged in an inner dialogue with the Inner Critic, the more that part softened and Bill learned that this part didn't want to ruin his life, as Bill had always thought. This part, which was blended with a younger part who felt alone and lonely, had positive aspects to it.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Over time, Bill developed a relationship with these younger parts so they no longer felt alone and lonely because he had befriended them and during Ego States Therapy Bill imagined he could soothe these alienated parts.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Once his Inner Critic softened, Bill's psychotherapist did <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2015/02/psychotherapy-blog-how-emdr-works-part.html">EMDR therapy</a> with Bill to work on his childhood trauma. </span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">It took time to work on these issues, but his work in therapy helped Bill to free himself of the vicious cycle he had been caught up in and helped him to resolve his childhood trauma.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>How to Stop Resisting and Make Friends With the Part of Yourself You Don't Like</b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>Stop Fighting With the Part</b>: Fighting with a part is the equivalent of resistance. The more you resist, the more it persists and gets stronger. It might sound counterintuitive, but you need to stop resisting the part.</span></li></ul><div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjj0FZYHDZhxULhyvrjVQ5VRDloJn3Sg6q3Zuh7ZTYfIRli4cVotiwbFsz5HWaEPGQjAMsCbeRJw4bgPj3tKXkxYgbrUP8g6RVbMjAuu7TEBjLZd3NTrrLN3cCpIyZxg29-rdPR-I69ytobvchpKtmBw3U6-t3GsxzmMeoblTfimm_YYGgVlXHEejao8wM/s3000/shutterstock_1953527737%20(2).jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><img border="0" data-original-height="3000" data-original-width="3000" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjj0FZYHDZhxULhyvrjVQ5VRDloJn3Sg6q3Zuh7ZTYfIRli4cVotiwbFsz5HWaEPGQjAMsCbeRJw4bgPj3tKXkxYgbrUP8g6RVbMjAuu7TEBjLZd3NTrrLN3cCpIyZxg29-rdPR-I69ytobvchpKtmBw3U6-t3GsxzmMeoblTfimm_YYGgVlXHEejao8wM/w400-h400/shutterstock_1953527737%20(2).jpg" width="400" /></span></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-size: medium;">Befriend the Parts of Yourself You Don't Like</span></b></td></tr></tbody></table><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>Establish a Dialog With the Part</b>: The part you're resisting is a part of yourself. Once you stop fighting with that part, recognize there's a lot more going on under the surface than you realize and the way to find out about it is to develop a caring relationship with the part. <i>Show compassion for that par</i>t. You can do this in Parts Work therapy or you can do it on your own by having your own dialog with the part either in your mind or, even better, in writing. If you do it in writing, it can take the form of a script where you, as your adult self, have a dialog with the Inner Critic to ask what s/he needs. Usually, once a person pays attention to an unwanted part, that part softens. Talk to this part kindly and listen to what it says it needs. Then, use your imagination to imagine you can give it what it needs. If it says it needs a hug, imagine that part sitting next to you so you can give it a hug (see my article: <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2018/02/having-dialogue-in-writing-between.html">Having a Dialogue in Writing With the Different Parts of Yourself</a> and <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2018/03/discovering-and-giving-voice-to.html">Giving Voice to Prevously Disowned Parts of Yourself</a>).</span></li></ul><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>Make an Effort to Be Aware of the Part on a Regular Basis</b>: Whether you imagine a dialog once a week or once a day, make an effort to be aware of and present for that part. Over time, your relationship with that part is likely to improve.</span></li></ul></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>Getting Help in Therapy</b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Parts Work goes by many different names, including Ego States Therapy and Internal Family Systems (see my article: <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2021/04/how-parts-work-therapy-helps-to-empower.html">Parts Work Therapy Helps to Empower You</a>).</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">If you try befriending an alienated part of yourself and you don't make progress on your own, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who does Parts Work.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">Working with a skilled Parts Work therapist can help you to overcome your resistance so you can reach a resolution to your problems.</span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>About Me</b></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Emotionally Focused Therapist for Couples, Ego States Therapist, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.</b></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><b><br /></b></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>I work with individual adults and couples.</b></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><b><br /></b></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>To find out more about me, visit my website: <a href="https://josephineferrarotherapy.com">Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist</a>.</b></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><b><br /></b></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or <a href="mailto:josephineferraro@iCloud.com">email me</a>.</b></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div class="blogger-post-footer">Disclaimer: The postings on this blog are not meant to take the place of obtaining professional mental health services.</div>Josephine Ferraro, LCSWhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00594256291815008994noreply@blogger.comNew York, NY, USA40.7127753 -74.005972812.402541463821152 -109.1622228 69.023009136178842 -38.849722799999995tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6299184761490320524.post-74501310040433542312024-03-03T15:25:00.006-05:002024-03-03T15:34:58.554-05:0010 Tips to Help You Open Up With Your Psychotherapist<div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">If you've never been in therapy before or if you haven't had a good experience with a prior therapist, you might find it difficult to open up with a new psychotherapist, so this article will provide you with some tips that can make it easier for you.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;"><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjpdnq6S9lLwPSmN54revNmo_MyeQep4QaKAWfsWZ3LYNU1FyMTKeQYcq_rE2luK75Fsj0Sd1gYdfmEE8ZhxaBwp8LZhu6ihjo0wwcY_wAKFisM9Rc1OMyZx0E6RfAWE_gSo1chaCy49n4hOzbAroZRvzPU_rQ9wg9ybNcq676GUdh7cnfaOfl2vcTNMxI/s5760/shutterstock_155790596.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="3840" data-original-width="5760" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjpdnq6S9lLwPSmN54revNmo_MyeQep4QaKAWfsWZ3LYNU1FyMTKeQYcq_rE2luK75Fsj0Sd1gYdfmEE8ZhxaBwp8LZhu6ihjo0wwcY_wAKFisM9Rc1OMyZx0E6RfAWE_gSo1chaCy49n4hOzbAroZRvzPU_rQ9wg9ybNcq676GUdh7cnfaOfl2vcTNMxI/w400-h266/shutterstock_155790596.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b>Opening Up With Your Therapist</b></td></tr></tbody></table></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>10 Tips For Opening Up With Your Psychotherapist</b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>1. Start By Choosing a Therapist Who is Right For You</b>: <i>The most important consideration when you're ready to go to therapy is whether you and any potential therapist you might choose are a good fit.</i> Starting with a new therapist can be an adjustment--especially if you've never been in therapy before. It's a unique relationship where the focus is on you. Before committing to therapy with any particular therapist, you can attend a consultation with a therapist to see if you feel comfortable her. You might not be certain after one consultation, but you can usually tell after a few sessions. Even after you have chosen a therapist, it takes a while to build a rapport with a therapist because you're talking about the most emotionally vulnerable aspects of your life, so give it time. Also, make sure the therapist has the expertise you need for your problems (see my article: <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2009/06/how-to-choose-psychotherapist.html">How to Choose a Psychotherapist</a>).</span></li></ul><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>2. Think About What You Want to Talk About Before Your Sessions</b>: If you want to get the most out of your therapy sessions, take some time before the session to reflect on what you want to talk about. Many clients find it helpful to make notes for themselves so they use their time well in session. There are also many other clients who prefer to be more spontaneous in session because that's what works best for them. But if you have problems opening up to talk about yourself, prior reflection can be helpful (see my article: <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2009/11/psychotherapy-getting-most-out-of-your.html">Getting the Most Out of Your Therapy Sessions</a>).</span></li></ul><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>3. Talk About Your Fear or Anxiety About Opening Up to Your Therapist</b>: Most therapists know that clients often have a hard time opening up, especially if they weren't encouraged to talk about their feelings when they were growing up. A skilled therapist can help you to get comfortable enough to explore your fear or anxiety about opening up so you can eventually open up. If a therapist is a <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2013/07/mind-body-psychotherapy-body-is-window.html">mind-body oriented therapist</a>, she can help you to get more comfortable with <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2009/08/learning-to-relax-square-breathing.html">breathing </a>or <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2018/03/trauma-therapy-using-grounding.html">grounding</a> exercises.</span></li></ul><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>4. Consider Your Therapy Sessions a Collaboration Between You and Your Therapist:</b> Therapy is a team effort. Gone are the days when therapists just listened to you talk and after a while made an interpretation that was supposed to unlock profound insights. These days therapy is much less hierarchical and there's a recognition that clients and therapists work together in therapy to make it a meaningful experience. Although your therapist can help you to speak about difficult topics, you have the responsibility for initiating what you want to talk about. Therapists aren't advisors, so they won't provide you with answers to your problems, but they can help you through the process (see my article: <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2018/01/psychotherapy-as-co-created-process.html">Psychotherapy as a Collaborative Effort Between Client and Therapist</a>).</span></li></ul><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiHrMULInhAJVxOGWwHCFXmQPn9EkbJ2wQ0zgd6P255d-gM4gTTusrY2tyn9wrTREg1kXuUcxT6cE4d-Gb8Qe1bAqn6OQbd9-JQ2lCKTmWpvVSfEw0Jjcmnuj-an5RTMW6vh4cPf6TmrkypVZYTIhblRPkFLFvRlv0EkM17oYATxtpC9PwBmbjmWoUd28E/s6000/shutterstock_2308228333%20(2).jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="4000" data-original-width="6000" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiHrMULInhAJVxOGWwHCFXmQPn9EkbJ2wQ0zgd6P255d-gM4gTTusrY2tyn9wrTREg1kXuUcxT6cE4d-Gb8Qe1bAqn6OQbd9-JQ2lCKTmWpvVSfEw0Jjcmnuj-an5RTMW6vh4cPf6TmrkypVZYTIhblRPkFLFvRlv0EkM17oYATxtpC9PwBmbjmWoUd28E/w400-h266/shutterstock_2308228333%20(2).jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-size: medium;">Opening Up With Your Therapist</span></b></td></tr></tbody></table><div><br /></div><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>5. Take Some Time Before the Session to Relax, If Possible</b>: It's understood that most people lead busy lives, but if it's possible for you to take even a few minutes before your session, do some breathing or stretching to help you relax before the session starts.</span></li></ul><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>6. Keep Your Therapy Appointments on a Regular Basis and Come On Time</b>: In order to keep the momentum going in your therapy, you need to come regularly. It's understood that you might have to cancel once in a while (make sure you know your therapist's cancellation policy), but weekly sessions are generally the expectation. Coming on time allows you to have the full benefit of the therapy time because sessions start and end at the appointed time, so if you're late, you won't get a full session (see my article: <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2024/01/how-to-keep-momentum-going-in-your.html">How to Keep the Momentum Going in Your Therapy</a>).</span></li></ul><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>7, Keep the Focus on Your Sessions Without Distractions During Your Appointment</b>: This means you don't have any other distractions (e.g., phones, pets, etc) so you can stay focused on your session. If you're having an online session, make sure you have absolute privacy. Therapy sessions where you don't have privacy are considered unethical and therapists won't conduct a session under those circumstances. </span></li></ul><div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiaiFu_cxONFTMFyvXQmcM4LYMdOpKAtwXChJsUd4qwAs_RmTL3221A5jHcwVRLIViafvtQj3w69-dpkRVDdDRJiWvFufjfl0uNv61Louq-uftpbOxP84jRw9YNJ3XF3Rofwpcl1y9Ddt0nKWwYqEakukitHjPlaen64-PNyqiVZq-AntwJYJCRHjwrvxk/s5745/shutterstock_1583441839%20(1).jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="3830" data-original-width="5745" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiaiFu_cxONFTMFyvXQmcM4LYMdOpKAtwXChJsUd4qwAs_RmTL3221A5jHcwVRLIViafvtQj3w69-dpkRVDdDRJiWvFufjfl0uNv61Louq-uftpbOxP84jRw9YNJ3XF3Rofwpcl1y9Ddt0nKWwYqEakukitHjPlaen64-PNyqiVZq-AntwJYJCRHjwrvxk/w400-h266/shutterstock_1583441839%20(1).jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b>Opening Up With Your Therapist</b></td></tr></tbody></table><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>8. Recognize That Therapy is a Process</b>: You might not feel comfortable divulging the most vulnerable parts of yourself during the initial stage of therapy and that's alright. Give it time. If you have issues opening up about a particular topic that you would like to work on, tell your therapist about your difficulty so she can help you to get comfortable (see my article: <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2018/03/progress-in-psychotherapy-isnt-linear.html">Progress in Therapy Isn't Linear</a> and <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2012/12/setbacks-are-normal-part-of.html">Setbacks Are a Normal Part of Therapy on the Road to Healing</a>).</span></li></ul><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>9. Opening Up Usually Gets Easier Over Time</b>: Assuming you and your therapist are a good match, opening up usually becomes easier over time as you build a rapport with your therapist and develop trust and confidence. This is also part of the process.</span></li></ul><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>10. Talk About the Therapy With Your Therapist</b>: If you're not sure about the process, talk to your therapist about it. Whether you're in the initial stage of therapy or you have been attending for a while, you can talk to your therapist about how you think therapy is going. Many therapists do a check-in with clients periodically to see how the clients are feeling about the therapy, but you can talk about the therapy at any time, especially if there's something you don't understand or an area where you and your therapist don't agree. It's also a good idea to talk about the therapeutic relationship and whether you think it's going well. If there's anything you feel went wrong in a session, bring it up so it can be addressed as soon as possible (see my article: <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2010/11/psychotherapy-treatment-ruptures-and.html">Ruptures and Repairs in Therapy</a>).</span></li></ul></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>Conclusion</b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">You can usually get a sense of whether you and your therapist are a good match. If it's not a good match, you can tell your therapist rather than <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2018/05/why-ghosting-your-psychotherapist-is.html">ghosting</a> her. Experienced therapist are aware that every therapist isn't for every client, so this shouldn't be a problem.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Most clients get comfortable opening up over time, but if you have a particularly difficult time and you're aware that you and your therapist are a good match, bring up your difficulty in your therapy session.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Your therapist can help you to identify and work on overcoming whatever emotional obstacles might be getting in your way.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>About Me</b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT therapist (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and sex therapist.</b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b><br /></b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>I work with individual adults and couples.</b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b><br /></b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>To find out more about me, visit my website: <a href="https://josephineferrarotherapy.com">Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist</a>.</b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b><br /></b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or <a href="mailto:josephineferraro@iCloud.com">email me</a>.</b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div class="blogger-post-footer">Disclaimer: The postings on this blog are not meant to take the place of obtaining professional mental health services.</div>Josephine Ferraro, LCSWhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00594256291815008994noreply@blogger.comNew York, NY, USA40.7127753 -74.005972812.402541463821152 -109.1622228 69.023009136178842 -38.849722799999995tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6299184761490320524.post-39994653147202112362024-03-03T12:26:00.001-05:002024-03-03T12:26:16.389-05:008 Tips For Coping With Emotional Triggers<div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><span>In a prior article, <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2015/07/psychotherapy-blog-coping-with-trauma.html">Becoming Aware of Emotional Triggers</a>, I began a discussion about how to become aware of emotional triggers. </span></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><span><br /></span></span></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjsbnWJEyMCPHqsARQbyk5Wo3TaAjaYQ95iu_ElfqAFhhQ0xYGDGPExUJTgih2oQU7Ni0-LE8SuxRJQ7VJqxron3POzHttRd_BbT8pC8hxZB68fO5s_ouFIVHaQAUybe9Ui7yIohPv0WhKCpmw3rASaXfHEGKcUlMVMoxKq_xuGRgaoM1-D8OZZwOgjT38/s5760/shutterstock_252018121%20(1).jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="3840" data-original-width="5760" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjsbnWJEyMCPHqsARQbyk5Wo3TaAjaYQ95iu_ElfqAFhhQ0xYGDGPExUJTgih2oQU7Ni0-LE8SuxRJQ7VJqxron3POzHttRd_BbT8pC8hxZB68fO5s_ouFIVHaQAUybe9Ui7yIohPv0WhKCpmw3rASaXfHEGKcUlMVMoxKq_xuGRgaoM1-D8OZZwOgjT38/w400-h266/shutterstock_252018121%20(1).jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-size: medium;">Coping with Emotional Triggers</span></b></td></tr></tbody></table><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><span><br /></span></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><span>In the current article, I'm focusing on tips for coping with emotional triggers.</span></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>What Are Emotional Triggers?</b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">A trigger is a <i>person</i>, <i>place, thing </i>or <i>situation</i> that causes an <i>unexpected intense emotional</i> <i>reaction</i> that is <i>rooted in the pas</i>t. </span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">For people, who have unresolved trauma or post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), a trigger can lead to their re-experiencing the past trauma <i>as if it were occurring in the present</i> (see my article: <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2013/08/working-through-emotional-trauma.html">Overcoming Emotional Trauma: Learning to Separate "Then" From "Now"</a>).</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhy69gx9smcHBxoLHHY9phvxvg5t4D6tPewx5ooCkz8iIbM2pTvxrOmhmmKSyGl2hAIX2RbLQKkh45jIUhV_mt_EoDblzJi7Gi7CYw5Q9O70XfBwPOjBG1cB2GUUcCVG3pRB5OAbCTjssPudTh0t47O5umW8wpP01Yp-UIl0CGcSN-1mfTVtQdKMDscq7M/s7245/shutterstock_1100711810.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="4830" data-original-width="7245" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhy69gx9smcHBxoLHHY9phvxvg5t4D6tPewx5ooCkz8iIbM2pTvxrOmhmmKSyGl2hAIX2RbLQKkh45jIUhV_mt_EoDblzJi7Gi7CYw5Q9O70XfBwPOjBG1cB2GUUcCVG3pRB5OAbCTjssPudTh0t47O5umW8wpP01Yp-UIl0CGcSN-1mfTVtQdKMDscq7M/w400-h266/shutterstock_1100711810.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-size: medium;">Coping with Emotional Triggers</span></b></td></tr></tbody></table></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><span><br /></span></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><span>Any type of sensory stimulus, including what you </span><span>see, </span><span>hear, </span><span>smell, touch or taste, can be a potential trigger. </span></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">The sensory stimulus you experience, which is usually a non-threatening experience in the present, can trigger an trauma response including:</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>Fight</b>: The fight response is controlled by the sympathetic nervous system which is part of the autonomic nervous system. You can feel <i>angry</i>, irritable and even rageful. You can experience increased heart rate and heavier breathing as part of your survival instinct to to protect yourself from danger. If you were experiencing a real danger in the present, the fight response would be essential to protect yourself from a dangerous predator. But when you're experiencing an emotional trigger, you're usually not experiencing a threatening situation in the present. Instead, you're reacting to memories of unresolved trauma as if it were occuring in the present.</span></li></ul><div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgmiMXWayR8S-tjDMYyiDAEejp1sxN_BJP-oQQ69CaOa03eAhj_xTxGxxMhycEcLmM4ZpgYG236JnBql-AIhvgNQR3jbKXVWkphyDWYJHbw2tRydJbO0v61oc4i0n_pd6FauPljr22j8L82Qc3iB2KglNO3PmuAN6CAQhlwCopKA75lbuOWmhUNv0O-jGE/s4000/shutterstock_2239154667.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="4000" data-original-width="4000" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgmiMXWayR8S-tjDMYyiDAEejp1sxN_BJP-oQQ69CaOa03eAhj_xTxGxxMhycEcLmM4ZpgYG236JnBql-AIhvgNQR3jbKXVWkphyDWYJHbw2tRydJbO0v61oc4i0n_pd6FauPljr22j8L82Qc3iB2KglNO3PmuAN6CAQhlwCopKA75lbuOWmhUNv0O-jGE/w400-h400/shutterstock_2239154667.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-size: medium;">Coping with Emotional Triggers</span></b></td></tr></tbody></table></div><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>Flight</b>: In the flight response, you want to flee to avoid perceived danger. The flight response is also controlled by the sympathetic nervous system but, unlike the fight response, the driving emotion is <i>fear</i> (instead of anger) along with the possibility of worry and anxiety. In some particularly intense situations, you might experience terror. </span></li></ul><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>Freeze/Immobilization</b>: The freeze response is a combination of the sympathetic nervous system and dorsal vagal activation (dorsal vagal activation is part of the vagus nerve and responds to danger). <i>Fear</i> is the driving emotion with the freeze/immobilization response but, as opposed to the flight response, <i>the desire to run is overtaken by a sense of immobilization</i>. Outwardly, you might appear calm to others because the freeze response often includes <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2017/11/what-happens-when-you-numb-yourself-to.html">emotional numbing</a>, but internally your experience is fear.</span></li></ul><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>Fawn</b>: With the fawn response, you're <i>trying to avoid a confrontation</i> as you enter into a dorsal vagal shutdown (related to the vagus nerve). You feel overwhelmed and this can cause absent-mindedness, dissociation or depersonalization (depersonalization is feeling detached from your body). Overwhelming feelings can lead to a sense of helplessness or hopelessness. In a severe case, you might even pass out or lose consciousness. The fawn response is also referred to as the "please and appease" response (see my article: <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2022/07/trauma-and-fawn-response-people.html">Trauma and the Fawn Response</a>).</span></li></ul><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>What Are Common Emotional Triggers?</b></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">Common emotional triggers include but are not limited to:</span></div><div><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>Past Trauma</b>:Traumatic events or situations from the past can be <i>one-time event</i>s like an accident or physical attack or they might have been <i>ongoing event</i>s, like developmental trauma from childhood or <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2022/12/what-is-complex-trauma.html">complex trauma</a>, including abuse or <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2013/12/what-is-childhood-emotional-neglect.html">emotional neglect</a>.</span></li></ul><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>Painful Negative Memories</b>: Painful negative memories can include memories associated with disappointment, fear, failure and <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2009/07/overcoming-shame.html">shame</a> and <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2012/11/overcoming-guilt-of-being-able-to-heal.html">guilt</a>, to name just a few. When you experience a similar situation in the present, these memories can get triggered--<i>even if you don't consciously remember them</i>. In other words, there can be <i>explicit memories</i> that you remember and there can be <i>unconscious memories</i> outside your immediate awareness.</span></li></ul><div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh2WpPsAN57D6UrrowJnSivHUAgZ-lw_CtzMhm3mKzKGiJ9eV6n6D2CWH29R_kxdVIT5cR7Xw_xz4sPj8oEj7LJ3sHE9WS-XE5o23gJSo3HsAFhne-zYCjUxVIITcdObwKRGwoGoe6wJKbrW9DO8kcz40k-1BSV3jYnMHvzlTWenf4T3wjxQIT-S391VYc/s3489/shutterstock_2188096049.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2326" data-original-width="3489" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh2WpPsAN57D6UrrowJnSivHUAgZ-lw_CtzMhm3mKzKGiJ9eV6n6D2CWH29R_kxdVIT5cR7Xw_xz4sPj8oEj7LJ3sHE9WS-XE5o23gJSo3HsAFhne-zYCjUxVIITcdObwKRGwoGoe6wJKbrW9DO8kcz40k-1BSV3jYnMHvzlTWenf4T3wjxQIT-S391VYc/w400-h266/shutterstock_2188096049.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-size: medium;">Painful Negative Memories</span></b></td></tr></tbody></table></div><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>Fear and Phobias</b>: Fear can be an emotional trigger. Fear can trigger strong emotional and physical reactions. Similarly, phobias, such as fear of flying or fear of heights, can also act as triggers.</span></li></ul><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>Stressful Situations</b>: Stressful situations can trigger anxiety and stress. Examples of stressful situations can include personal or work-related stressors. </span></li></ul><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>Relationship Problems</b>: Current interactions with certain people can trigger intense emotions including sadness, anger or frustration related to the past.</span></li></ul><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>Loss or Grief</b>: Certain anniversaries, such as the anniversary of the death of a loved one, can be an emotional trigger for sadness and feelings of loss. </span></li></ul><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>Major Life Changes</b>: Major life changes, even positive ones, can elicit anxiety and stress as well as emotional triggers. This can include moving, changing jobs, getting married, getting divorced, giving birth, health issues and so on (see my article: <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2014/08/psychotherapy-blog-navigating-lifes.html">Navigating Major Life Transitions</a>).</span></li></ul></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>8 Tips For Coping With Emotional Triggers</b></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><span><u>Just a word about coping versus overcoming triggers</u>: Coping with emotional triggers is important to your day-to-day living, but overcoming emotional triggers requires working with a <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2020/04/what-is-trauma-therapist_27.html">trauma therapist</a> who can help you to work through the underlying issues related to your triggers so you don't continue to get triggered (more about this later on in this article).</span></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><span><br /></span></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><span>Until you can get help to resolve these underlying issues, you can learn to cope with triggers when they occur.</span></span></div><div><br /></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">Here are 8 tips for coping with triggers that can be helpful:</span></div><div><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>1. Learn to Identify Physical Symptoms Associated With an Emotional Trigger</b>: Since <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2013/07/mind-body-psychotherapy-body-is-window.html">your mind and your body are connected</a>, every emotional trigger has at least one accompanying physical symptom. By recognizing and identifying the physical symptoms, you can respond with <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2016/09/stress-management-taking-time-out-for.html">self care</a> instead of reacting in a way that keeps you stuck or activates you even more. Physical symptoms can include but are not limited to:</span></li></ul><ul style="text-align: left;"><ul><li><span style="font-size: medium;">Heart racing</span></li><li><span style="font-size: medium;">Heavy breathing </span></li><li><span style="font-size: medium;">Difficulty breathing</span></li><li><span style="font-size: medium;">Pain or muscle soreness in your neck, back, stomach or other parts of your body</span></li><li><span style="font-size: medium;">Sweating</span></li><li><span style="font-size: medium;">Dizziness</span></li><li><span style="font-size: medium;">Crying</span></li><li><span style="font-size: medium;">Other physical reactions</span></li></ul></ul><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>2. Learn to Pause</b>: By learning to pause when you can recognize when you're getting triggered, you're taking a break to allow yourself to <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2011/01/mind-body-connection-responding-instead.html">respond instead of react</a> to the trigger. Pausing also allows you to use various coping strategies. Pausing is a skill that takes practice because triggers occur in a fraction of a second and it takes practice to be aware of the need to take a break while the trigger is occurring. So, until you learn to pause, practice patience and <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2023/08/developing-self-compassion-in-trauma.html">self compassion</a>.</span></li></ul><div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjR7w_qx6z-a3yKeZdCMBB3uuQ1lqVSaHwQkVS0DhUxdOpPs4U5tyxqJtordRBhdH1eLPGcTdhfCw6F99z3Jmh6xYRY3zf6IHvCtGHh8p6yDqPSoazDzaufSUWaB1aAN1wh2xKvaG_3Dag70zXoobHIqppasHmbyQrJ5bLuTVFFw-aGN7FdfLCJ6Pguqdo/s6000/shutterstock_1209479167%20(2).jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="4000" data-original-width="6000" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjR7w_qx6z-a3yKeZdCMBB3uuQ1lqVSaHwQkVS0DhUxdOpPs4U5tyxqJtordRBhdH1eLPGcTdhfCw6F99z3Jmh6xYRY3zf6IHvCtGHh8p6yDqPSoazDzaufSUWaB1aAN1wh2xKvaG_3Dag70zXoobHIqppasHmbyQrJ5bLuTVFFw-aGN7FdfLCJ6Pguqdo/w400-h266/shutterstock_1209479167%20(2).jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-size: medium;">Coping With Emotional Triggers</span></b></td></tr></tbody></table><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>3. Learn to Develop Healthy Coping Skills</b>: Once you have paused, you can learn to use healthy coping strategies, including <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2009/08/learning-to-relax-square-breathing.html">breathing exercises</a> and <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2018/03/trauma-therapy-using-grounding.html">grounding exercises</a> to slow down and to calm your mind and your body instead (see my article: <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2010/12/mind-body-connection-calming-mind.html">The Mind-Body Connection: Calming the Mind and Calming the Body</a>). </span></li></ul><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;"><span><b>4. Acknowledge Your Emotions</b>: Once you have calmed yourself, acknowledge your emotions--no matter what they are. You might be tempted to suppress your emotions because they feel so uncomfortable, but being aware and acknowledging your emotions is an important part of your healing. When you suppress emotions, they come back even stronger.</span></span></li></ul><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>5. Keep a Journal</b>: Write about your emotions in a journal. <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2013/04/journal-writing-can-help-relieve-stress.html">Journal writing</a> can help to calm you. It can also help you to detect certain emotional and physical patterns when you get triggered.</span></li></ul><div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiDRrq1IyN9xkSl3ZI0rgsbTEV5wy9rXepzwxBwp7fIZn2bAejDTaUnUSzzXQHBVNYBFOH_elMbg9kbiOYns6W3RM-0C22twEmLsNBB34SgLQYsM9TkmvM2IkftPe3WSAmNV7dl3udYuGRS8heIjTtemtMCxxpxz_EjgrucnWRGXSnP_oe6TdNJGTlYQ1Q/s4256/shutterstock_414649735.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2832" data-original-width="4256" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiDRrq1IyN9xkSl3ZI0rgsbTEV5wy9rXepzwxBwp7fIZn2bAejDTaUnUSzzXQHBVNYBFOH_elMbg9kbiOYns6W3RM-0C22twEmLsNBB34SgLQYsM9TkmvM2IkftPe3WSAmNV7dl3udYuGRS8heIjTtemtMCxxpxz_EjgrucnWRGXSnP_oe6TdNJGTlYQ1Q/w400-h266/shutterstock_414649735.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-size: medium;">Journal Writing to Cope With Emotional Triggers</span></b></td></tr></tbody></table><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>6. Establish Healthy Boundaries</b>: People who have experienced significant trauma often have a hard time establishing healthy boundaries with others. This is often because they experienced boundary violations when they were younger. It's important to your sense of well-being to be able to say no when you need to take care of yourself. In addition to being able to respond <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2009/09/assertiveness-learning-to-say-no.html">assertively</a> to reduce the likelihood of getting triggered, it's also important for you to be able to express your emotional needs to people in your life who are supportive (see my article: <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2009/07/relationships-setting-healthy.html">Setting Healthy Boundaries</a>).</span></li></ul><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>7. Develop a Strong Emotional Support System</b>: Supportive loved ones can provide empathy and give you a different perspective on your situation. Talking to supportive loved ones can also help reduce feelings of helplessness, hopelessness, <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2013/08/overcoming-loneliness-and-social.html">loneliness and isolation</a>.</span></li></ul><div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgusc4Z0uhNzgvi3AoiZyxqjEDKjy1siRubkl9xHtLa2TraHP0e9CuDoEE41lSPkDmfmvIyt2AiyDfCkyFg3XenmFiz1PovWfRC8_LIW7AyILO9YRgXD2-9A_cIFs0YuJDOF5zkTjIOOCu890xz5ld2JufjvOHjTjObhrVVrE9hiB-AcpW8S1-jy4Fe2b4/s9504/shutterstock_2239544665.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="6336" data-original-width="9504" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgusc4Z0uhNzgvi3AoiZyxqjEDKjy1siRubkl9xHtLa2TraHP0e9CuDoEE41lSPkDmfmvIyt2AiyDfCkyFg3XenmFiz1PovWfRC8_LIW7AyILO9YRgXD2-9A_cIFs0YuJDOF5zkTjIOOCu890xz5ld2JufjvOHjTjObhrVVrE9hiB-AcpW8S1-jy4Fe2b4/w400-h266/shutterstock_2239544665.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-size: medium;">Coping With Emotional Triggers </span></b></td></tr></tbody></table><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>8. Seek Help From a Skilled Trauma Therapist:</b> As mentioned earlier, you can learn to <i>cope with triggers</i> as they arise, <i>but to overcome the underlying traumatic issues related to the triggers, seek help from a skilled <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2020/04/what-is-trauma-therapist_27.html">trauma therapist</a>. </i>Trauma therapy is a broad category for different types of mind-body oriented psychotherapy, which is also known as <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2018/02/why-experiential-psychotherapy-is-more.html">Experiential Therapy</a> including:</span></li></ul><ul style="text-align: left;"><ul><li><span style="font-size: medium;"><a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2015/02/psychotherapy-blog-how-emdr-works-part.html">EMDR Therapy</a><br /></span></li><li><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></li><li><span style="font-size: medium;"><a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2020/08/what-is-accelerated-experiential.html">Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy</a> (AEDP)</span></li><li><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></li><li><span style="font-size: medium;"><a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2022/11/trauma-therapy-benefits-of-somatic.html">Somatic Experiencing</a><br /></span></li><li><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></li><li><span style="font-size: medium;"><a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2021/04/how-parts-work-therapy-helps-to-empower.html">Parts Work/Ego States Therapy</a><br /></span></li><li><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></li><li><span style="font-size: medium;"><a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2009/05/what-is-clinical-hypnosis.html">Hypnotherapy</a> (also known as Clinical Hypnosis)</span></li></ul></ul></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>What Are the Benefits of Getting Help From a Trauma Therapist?</b></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">A trauma therapist is a licensed mental health professional who has training, expertise and experience in various forms of trauma therapy. </span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">Unlike therapists who are generalists, trauma therapists are specialists who have gone beyond the basic mental health training to learn specific forms of trauma therapy (as mentioned above).</span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjAKlAe1nF5rPuJF49f0SUP_TKms_vLtih1gY8cKslQqfATDVwD38YXLw7FgZHQUo3azWSFu43x7PhCNjJD4m8U2Pkcc7l4BAqX21BpEfTSxgJ0VXAmbCeN-5qIe1I7yPmfi56inCdlJ9Abcy2AmiAvwKNj7_3PeN2mG2jMIOo2EUX4L8YejKcET5L6Rds/s3840/shutterstock_1204439617%20(2).jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2160" data-original-width="3840" height="225" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjAKlAe1nF5rPuJF49f0SUP_TKms_vLtih1gY8cKslQqfATDVwD38YXLw7FgZHQUo3azWSFu43x7PhCNjJD4m8U2Pkcc7l4BAqX21BpEfTSxgJ0VXAmbCeN-5qIe1I7yPmfi56inCdlJ9Abcy2AmiAvwKNj7_3PeN2mG2jMIOo2EUX4L8YejKcET5L6Rds/w400-h225/shutterstock_1204439617%20(2).jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-size: medium;">Getting Help in Trauma Therapy</span></b></td></tr></tbody></table></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">Trauma therapy is different from most forms of talk therapy because it uses specific techniques and strategies to help clients to overcome trauma. </span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">As a trauma therapist, as a first step, I prepare clients for trauma therapy by helping them to develop the necessary internal resources to cope with whatever comes up during the therapy session or between sessions (see my article: <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2009/10/psychotherapy-developing-internal.html">Developing Internal Resources and Coping Strategies in Trauma Therapy</a>).</span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">As memories are processed in trauma therapy, the client can experience a reduction and, eventually, an elimination of emotional triggers related to trauma.</span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">If you're experiencing emotional triggers, you could benefit from seeking help from a trauma therapist to overcome unresolved trauma and live a more meaningful life.</span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>About Me</b></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2020/04/what-is-trauma-therapist_27.html">trauma therapist</a> (using EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing, Ego States Therapy/Parks Work and Clinical Hypnosis), <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2018/07/what-is-emotionally-focused-couple.html">couples therapist</a> and <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2022/10/what-is-sex-therapy.html">sex therapist</a>.</b></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><b><br /></b></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>I work with individual adults and couples.</b></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><b><br /></b></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>To find out more about me, visit my website: <a href="https://josephineferrarotherapy.com">Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist</a>.</b></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><b><br /></b></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or <a href="mailto:josephineferraro@iCloud.com">email me</a>.</b></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /><span><br /><br /><br /></span></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div class="blogger-post-footer">Disclaimer: The postings on this blog are not meant to take the place of obtaining professional mental health services.</div>Josephine Ferraro, LCSWhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00594256291815008994noreply@blogger.comNew York, NY, USA40.7127753 -74.005972812.402541463821152 -109.1622228 69.023009136178842 -38.849722799999995tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6299184761490320524.post-70550728353781692212024-03-02T20:17:00.016-05:002024-03-02T20:25:54.806-05:00Many Women Don't Tell Their Male Partners When They Have Pain During Intimacy<div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Painful intercourse is a common problem for many women of all ages. Unfortunately, instead of telling their partner about the pain, more than 50% of women endure the pain without ever mentioning it (see my article: <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2022/12/getting-help-in-sex-therapy-for-painful.html">Getting Help in Sex Therapy For Painful Sex</a>).</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiTkt-DQyt4taKh4E3TwmgSdhr0RvrGTr54G_MyhSvqccTD_FZ13pXuBMAyijaP-55WxXiWJ9c9XBSWLIlH3B-QxZqOyOeWwGxKO_bQN8rmxd-byhrsdjPfw9vRflblQgX4xo6Xq80PSoA2buX2rYy0wKXnLblJCFnp5UaqwsIXmV7Kjifr-G-S3CpcIbU/s4729/shutterstock_164106341%20(1).jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><img border="0" data-original-height="3400" data-original-width="4729" height="288" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiTkt-DQyt4taKh4E3TwmgSdhr0RvrGTr54G_MyhSvqccTD_FZ13pXuBMAyijaP-55WxXiWJ9c9XBSWLIlH3B-QxZqOyOeWwGxKO_bQN8rmxd-byhrsdjPfw9vRflblQgX4xo6Xq80PSoA2buX2rYy0wKXnLblJCFnp5UaqwsIXmV7Kjifr-G-S3CpcIbU/w400-h288/shutterstock_164106341%20(1).jpg" width="400" /></span></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-size: medium;">Why Women Don't Talk About Painful Intercourse</span></b></td></tr></tbody></table><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><b><span style="font-size: medium;">Why Don't Women Tell Their Partners They're Having Pain During Intercourse?</span></b></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">When researchers asked women why they didn't tell their male partners about painful sex, they received the following responses from women:</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;">They thought pain was "normal" during sex (it's not).</span></li></ul><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;">They felt pain wasn't worth mentioning because the pain wasn't severe.</span></li></ul><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;">They were concerned that if they told their male partner they had pain during intercourse, it would mean they wouldn't have intercourse at all.</span></li></ul><div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhXmT59SuSNpxW1V4r9XTKj338xsZGvHAg4x4LmfAJ0oDPnfENgui4jQyeCNOt-NBVkQezyY-pjM8cJ2e7bOd55nBcCW8SwsrguL0eA1byFB8T4Tr6GuIXzBet-hs-Hp6er3HMjg7P-fT2IsLop-EQKXNLC41_s2UZIcBbHJxoKMgIaUmPBXclre5ZREZQ/s5618/shutterstock_551135854%20(1).jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><img border="0" data-original-height="3745" data-original-width="5618" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhXmT59SuSNpxW1V4r9XTKj338xsZGvHAg4x4LmfAJ0oDPnfENgui4jQyeCNOt-NBVkQezyY-pjM8cJ2e7bOd55nBcCW8SwsrguL0eA1byFB8T4Tr6GuIXzBet-hs-Hp6er3HMjg7P-fT2IsLop-EQKXNLC41_s2UZIcBbHJxoKMgIaUmPBXclre5ZREZQ/w400-h266/shutterstock_551135854%20(1).jpg" width="400" /></span></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-size: medium;">Why Women Don't Talk About Painful Intercourse</span></b></td></tr></tbody></table></div><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;">They prioritized their male partner's pleasure over their own discomfort--even if it meant they would keep experiencing painful sex every time.</span></li></ul><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;">They felt too embarrassed to talk about painful sex with their partner, so they would rather endure the pain than talk about it.</span></li></ul><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;">They didn't want to make their partner feel uncomfortable.</span></li></ul><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;">They didn't want any awkwardness between them and their partner.</span></li></ul><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;">They thought they just needed to "power through" intercourse--even though it's painful.</span></li></ul><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;">They didn't know they could engage in other sexual activities that could be just as sexually satisfying for them and their partner and that sex involves more than just intercourse.</span></li></ul></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>What Causes Painful Intercourse For Women?</b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">There can be many reasons why a women experience painful interourse. </span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">To determine the reason for the pain in their particular case, women need to consult with a knowledgeable sexual health professional (not all primary care doctors or even gynecologists are knowledgeable about painful sex). </span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Some potential causes for painful sex include:</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;">Lack of sufficient lubrication during sexual intercourse, which cause irritation and pain</span></li></ul><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;"><span>Insufficient sexual arousal because women and their male partners rush through sex</span> without taking the time to ensure women are sufficiently aroused for sexual intercourse</span></li></ul><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;">Longstanding resentment due to relationship conflict which gets in the way of sexual pleasure and, in turn, can result in painful intercourse</span></li></ul><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;">Undiagnosed vaginismus, resulting in muscle spasms at the entrance of the vagina which either restrict entrance or clamp shut the vagina</span></li></ul><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;">Pain around the vulva, the outer part of women's genitals, which is called vulvodynia which can result in pain, irritation, a burning sensation, soreness or rawness.</span></li></ul><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;">Vaginal infections, including a yeast infection or bacterial infection (vaginosis)</span></li></ul><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;">Vaginal dryness due to menopause</span></li></ul><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;">Vulvar Vestibulitis, an inflammation of the vestibular glands just outside the vagina</span></li></ul><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;">Birth control pills as a cause of sexual pain due to biochemical changes</span></li></ul><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;">Other medical conditions, such as uterine prolapse, endometriosis, interstitial cystitis, irritable bowel syndrome (IBS) and other gynecological problems can lead to painful sex</span></li></ul><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;">Other medical problems </span></li></ul><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>What Can Women Do to Deal With Painful Intercourse?</b></span></div><div><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;">Talk to your partner (see my article: <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2020/07/how-to-talk-to-your-partner-about-sex.html">How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex - Part 1</a> and <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2020/07/how-to-talk-to-your-partner-about-sex_29.html">Part 2</a></span></li></ul><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg1-_4iN3nBv3yWsHYnSHcBLG_FsiAi59gElKUYpwZnuWSvjHDy8W_CeRbGB77I4FxRygh9_XurEJ4P9rSyCqKQk9dgMmtJATtmNm1bn6xq7n9EQo8Bzb2xwyp_VIQrYXuoNw3EbgGNQM-ec2cfrEI44tykk2Ond1XGa1w4Wa7WrWxIw5g_gfyA_7Sfw3c/s5120/shutterstock_221865748.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2700" data-original-width="5120" height="211" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg1-_4iN3nBv3yWsHYnSHcBLG_FsiAi59gElKUYpwZnuWSvjHDy8W_CeRbGB77I4FxRygh9_XurEJ4P9rSyCqKQk9dgMmtJATtmNm1bn6xq7n9EQo8Bzb2xwyp_VIQrYXuoNw3EbgGNQM-ec2cfrEI44tykk2Ond1XGa1w4Wa7WrWxIw5g_gfyA_7Sfw3c/w400-h211/shutterstock_221865748.jpg" width="400" /></span></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-size: medium;">Talk to Your Partner About Painful Intercourse</span></b></td></tr></tbody></table><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;">Seek help from a knowledgeable gynecologist or a sexual health professional</span></li></ul><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;">Seek help from a pelvic floor specialist</span></li></ul><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;">Seek help from a <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2022/10/what-is-sex-therapy.html">sex therapist</a>, especially if the problem involves <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2022/12/overcoming-sexual-anxiety-part-1.html">sexual anxiety</a>, unresolved resentment toward a partner or other unresolved emotional issues, including a history of <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2010/11/psychological-effects-of-childhood.html">sexual abuse</a></span></li></ul><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>Getting Help in Sex Therapy</b></span></div></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy that focuses on sexual issues for individuals and couples (see my article: <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2022/10/what-is-sex-therapy.html">What is Sex Therapy?</a>)</span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg0yx2-tofw3TOGo3Zw_A1B3JhMbf-b-4XvUpWS9TcYQBDJWPdw4RxUhOnVTmLRamRaTF0ra2ZOOly_4NzL5UqvEvkP9C-wGAe8lGwap5neWNHvywubs-z4pDRxUD-yJ7WC-BhQ1nEiEBf0hTn-w-ZSnbYl_nxZaGuHnBe9iE441bauj4dKpfO3cUUjsVI/s5597/shutterstock_637143058%20(3).jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><img border="0" data-original-height="3731" data-original-width="5597" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg0yx2-tofw3TOGo3Zw_A1B3JhMbf-b-4XvUpWS9TcYQBDJWPdw4RxUhOnVTmLRamRaTF0ra2ZOOly_4NzL5UqvEvkP9C-wGAe8lGwap5neWNHvywubs-z4pDRxUD-yJ7WC-BhQ1nEiEBf0hTn-w-ZSnbYl_nxZaGuHnBe9iE441bauj4dKpfO3cUUjsVI/w400-h266/shutterstock_637143058%20(3).jpg" width="400" /></span></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-size: medium;">Seek Help in Sex Therapy</span></b></td></tr></tbody></table></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">Individual adults and couples seek help in sex therapy for a variety of reasons (see my article: <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2022/12/what-are-most-common-issues-discussed.html">What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?</a>).</span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">There is no sex, nudity or physical exams during sex therapy sessions (see my article: <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2022/12/what-are-most-common-misconceptions.html">What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?</a>).</span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who is a sex therapist so you can have a more fulfilling sex life.</span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>About Me</b></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2020/04/what-is-trauma-therapist_27.html">trauma therapist</a> (including EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing), Emotionally Focused Therapy Couples Therapist and <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2022/10/what-is-sex-therapy.html">Sex Therapist</a>.</b></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><b><br /></b></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>I work with individual adults and couples.</b></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><b><br /></b></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>To find out more about me, visit my website: <a href="https://josephineferrarotherapy.com">Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist</a>.</b></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><b><br /></b></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or <a href="mailto:josephineferraro@iCloud.com">email me</a>.</b></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div class="blogger-post-footer">Disclaimer: The postings on this blog are not meant to take the place of obtaining professional mental health services.</div>Josephine Ferraro, LCSWhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00594256291815008994noreply@blogger.comNew York, NY, USA40.7127753 -74.005972812.402541463821152 -109.1622228 69.023009136178842 -38.849722799999995tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6299184761490320524.post-83214294206236191042024-02-28T12:20:00.000-05:002024-02-28T12:20:10.304-05:00Is It True That "Real Men" Are Always Ready to Get It Up?<div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">In my previous article, <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2024/02/overcoming-problems-with-anxiety.html">Overcoming Problems With Anxiety-Related Erectile Dysfunction</a>, I focused specifically on how stress and anxiety can make it difficult for men to get and stay hard and how <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2022/10/what-is-sex-therapy.html">sex therapy</a> can help with this problem.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>Is It True That "Real Men" Are Always Ready to Get It Up?</b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><span>In the current article, I'm addressing the idea that </span><span>"real men" are always ready and willing to get it up any time, any place and with anyone. </span></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><i>Is this true? In a word, no.</i></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><i><br /></i></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEilkESY9UOzpMIoXfGJdWP3D41MmMQKqKJQWqvQ7pgFMsM4wvfazX95Rk-t_ZB0Jfhu9qy5ce5K9iUYl7aFjiFO9Ok7hykMb2-Mw2TRoQhadUKE9srZ3l-8X2FGEJBbE12MokftTKQ7o6FtEi7io511wTsBzhxTab5TrrubTKFO76t0FoZAphiIc7Ehj1k/s4288/shutterstock_131595500%20(1).jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2848" data-original-width="4288" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEilkESY9UOzpMIoXfGJdWP3D41MmMQKqKJQWqvQ7pgFMsM4wvfazX95Rk-t_ZB0Jfhu9qy5ce5K9iUYl7aFjiFO9Ok7hykMb2-Mw2TRoQhadUKE9srZ3l-8X2FGEJBbE12MokftTKQ7o6FtEi7io511wTsBzhxTab5TrrubTKFO76t0FoZAphiIc7Ehj1k/w400-h266/shutterstock_131595500%20(1).jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-size: medium;">Problems With Getting an Maintaining an Erection Are Common</span></b></td></tr></tbody></table></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">It's not true because, at some time or another, most men have problems with getting or maintaining an erection. </span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">It's a common problem that occurs occasionally for many reasons, which will be discussed below, and when it occurs occasionally, in most instances, once medical problems have been ruled out, it's not a cause for concern.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><span>The idea that "real men" are always ready to get it up is a form of <i>toxic masculinity</i> which perpetuates psychologically destructive misinformation for men and their partners. And one of the primary reasons it's so destructive is that the </span><span>logical conclusion to this myth is that a man who <i>isn't</i> always ready to get it up is "less than a man" or deficient in some way. </span></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">This myth often creates feelings of shame and inadequacy for men and feelings of being sexually undesirable for their partners--regardless of sexual orientation and gender.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">This myth can also perpetuate a cycle of anxiety, shame, doubt and fear that can lead to ongoing problems with erectile dysfunction (ED) when ED was never the problem to begin with.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>Why Can't a Man Get Hard If He Wants to Have Sex and He Finds His Partner Sexually Desirable?</b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Men aren't machines so it's not a matter of pressing a button to automatically get their penis hard.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><span>Men can find their partners very sexually desirable and still not be able to get or maintain an erection for </span><span>a variety of reasons, including (but not limited to):</span></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;">Stress</span></li><li><span style="font-size: medium;">Tiredness</span></li><li><span style="font-size: medium;">Too much alcohol</span></li><li><span style="font-size: medium;">Side effects of certain medications</span></li><li><span style="font-size: medium;">Anxiety</span></li><li><span style="font-size: medium;">Depression</span></li><li><span style="font-size: medium;">Other emotional issues</span></li><li><span style="font-size: medium;">Relationship problems</span></li><li><span style="font-size: medium;">Health concerns like diabetes, high blood pressure, heart problems, poor circulation, prostate problems, age-related problems and so on</span></li><li><span style="font-size: medium;">Financial problems</span></li><li><span style="font-size: medium;">Other related issues</span></li></ul></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">When a man's partner assumes that his problems with getting and maintaining an erection reflect poorly on the partner, this perception compounds the problem even further by creating stress and bad feelings in the relationship.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">At that point, a man can feel even more pressure to get and stay hard because he feels his masculinity is in question and also because he doesn't want to disappoint his partner. </span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">But stress and pressure make it harder to get and maintain an erection, so this can become a negative cycle.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>Are There Times When a "Real Man" Just Doesn't Want to Have Sex?</b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><i>In a word, yes.</i></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Why should wanting to have sex be any different from wanting to do anything else?</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">If we were discussing a preference for anything else--going to the movies, eating dinner at a particular restaurant, watching TV and so on, it would be obvious that there are times when people don't want to engage in an activity and other times when they don't. </span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">It's the same for having sex and, once again, it's not a reflection on the man or his partner. </span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">But, once again, if a man feels pressure because he doesn't want to have sex, he might feel he has to "man up" to have sex when he doesn't want it because he fears being judged as "less than a man" and he also doesn't want to disappoint his partner. </span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">To complicate matters, many men (and women) don't feel comfortable talking about sex with their partner because they don't know how and/or they feel ashamed (see my article: <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2020/07/how-to-talk-to-your-partner-about-sex.html">How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex - Part 1</a> and <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2020/07/how-to-talk-to-your-partner-about-sex_29.html">Part 2</a>).</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">In addition, even though it's often assumed that "real men" are always ready for sex, many men experience <i>responsive desire</i> as opposed to <i>spontaneous desire</i> so, even if they're willing to have sex, they need time to get sexually aroused (see my article: <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2021/01/overcoming-problems-with-spontaneous.html">Both Responsive and Spontaneous Sexual Desire Are Normal</a>).</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>What If Problems With Getting Hard Are Due to Relational Problems?</b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">There are times when men (and women) don't want to have sex because there are problems in the relationship. This is a common problem.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">It's a good idea for a man to see a urologist or sexual health doctor to first rule out any other health reasons that are affecting his ability to have an erection. Once those problems are ruled out, the problem can be related to other problems, including relational problem with a partner.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">With regard to relational problems, it makes sense that feelings of anger, sadness, hurt or emotional numbness aren't conducive to wanting sex. </span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Under these circumstances, couples often need to get help both relationally and sexually from a couples therapist who is also a sex therapist to overcome problems that are creating emotional and sexual obstacles in the relationship.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>Getting Help in Couples and Sex Therapy</b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Couples seek help in couples and sex therapy for a variety of reasons (see my article: <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2022/12/what-are-most-common-issues-discussed.html">What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?</a>).</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjtnbhLtZURgQiZrDbFlsDrc4AUuVgzCzSnFGhIRJ_mgwYfU0l2jsS3Ubfyh-vO8FpC3VQO8FtCwx45vt4OWOx28H4-5jIAdOPmpBZNINIFKZjE846fKpFPou-1ROoVOmBcxXhQY_ZWZanGQ1yFEtejYDNxpjc-tnffa3_tadTumqM2Xg3HWIymTu0WH3A/s5616/shutterstock_214785001%20(4).jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="3744" data-original-width="5616" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjtnbhLtZURgQiZrDbFlsDrc4AUuVgzCzSnFGhIRJ_mgwYfU0l2jsS3Ubfyh-vO8FpC3VQO8FtCwx45vt4OWOx28H4-5jIAdOPmpBZNINIFKZjE846fKpFPou-1ROoVOmBcxXhQY_ZWZanGQ1yFEtejYDNxpjc-tnffa3_tadTumqM2Xg3HWIymTu0WH3A/w400-h266/shutterstock_214785001%20(4).jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-size: medium;">Getting Help in Couples and Sex Therapy</span></b></td></tr></tbody></table></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Sex therapy, in particular, is for individual adults and couples (see my article: <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2022/10/what-is-sex-therapy.html">What is Sex Therapy?</a></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">There is no nudity, sex or physical exams in sex therapy (see my article: <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2022/12/what-are-most-common-misconceptions.html">What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?</a> ).</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">If you're having problems, rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who has an expertise in both couples and sex therapy.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Overcoming your problems can allow you to have a more meaningful relationship and a more fulfilling life.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>About Me</b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, trauma therapist (EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing), Emotionally Focused Couples therapist and a <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2022/10/what-is-sex-therapy.html">sex therapist</a>.</b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b><br /></b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>I work with individual adults and couples.</b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b><br /></b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>To find out more about me, visit my website: <a href="https://josephineferrarotherapy.com">Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist</a>.</b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b><br /></b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or <a href="mailto:josephineferraro@iCloud.com">email me</a>.</b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="blogger-post-footer">Disclaimer: The postings on this blog are not meant to take the place of obtaining professional mental health services.</div>Josephine Ferraro, LCSWhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00594256291815008994noreply@blogger.comNew York, NY, USA40.7127753 -74.005972812.402541463821152 -109.1622228 69.023009136178842 -38.849722799999995tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6299184761490320524.post-49202634951521626092024-02-27T12:45:00.012-05:002024-02-28T20:47:01.033-05:00Overcoming Problems With Anxiety-Related Erectile Dysfunction (ED)<div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Anxiety-related erectile dysfunction is a common problem for men regardless of sexual orientation, age or race (see my article: <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2022/12/overcoming-sexual-anxiety-part-1.html">What is Sexual Anxiety?</a>).</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>What is the Link Between Anxiety and Erectile Dysfunction?</b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><div><span style="font-size: medium;">Most men experience occasional problems with maintaining an erection and most of the time these occasional problems aren't a cause for concern.</span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj7okaJD-w884cQ8DLYQZMCR0bNq_G5eh3isXh-nJJqzC_dMawJlSZ1-Cgd-zvtmK-I-EOOJpIHZmyxgldrb3ezmD6P4anTFouPsVZvOSNoWHTM-lDbVGOohVgzOgdLp7xF12dlt3_2WX7DtdrVUUYrjufDmpD6V4mqyM7BHyQx_by27gWc3QG619UOSK8/s5116/shutterstock_1951088611.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><img border="0" data-original-height="3411" data-original-width="5116" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj7okaJD-w884cQ8DLYQZMCR0bNq_G5eh3isXh-nJJqzC_dMawJlSZ1-Cgd-zvtmK-I-EOOJpIHZmyxgldrb3ezmD6P4anTFouPsVZvOSNoWHTM-lDbVGOohVgzOgdLp7xF12dlt3_2WX7DtdrVUUYrjufDmpD6V4mqyM7BHyQx_by27gWc3QG619UOSK8/w400-h266/shutterstock_1951088611.jpg" width="400" /></span></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-size: medium;">Anxiety-Related Problems With ED</span></b></td></tr></tbody></table></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">Occasional problems can be related to not getting enough sleep, drinking too much or other factors.</span></div></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Occasional problems are different from <i>ongoing problems</i> with erectile dysfunction. </span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Assuming medical problems have been ruled out by a urologist or a sexual health doctor, erectile dysfunction (ED) is often caused by stress and anxiety, especially when men worry about their ability to please their partner (see my article: <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2024/01/the-5-most-common-sexual-insecurities.html">The 5 Most Common Male Sexual Insecurities</a>).</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Anxiety and stress-related ED can include one or more of the following problems:</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>Problems with Body Image</b>: For many men body image problems involve worrying that their penis is too small. There can be a lot of variation in penis size, however, the average size of a flaccid penis is 3.5 inches and 5.1 inches for an erect penis. Men who compare the size of their penis to male actors in pornography can develop a distorted view of what an average penis looks like, especially if they don't realize that male actors in porn are chosen for their unusually large penises. </span></li></ul><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>Shame and Guilt About Sex</b>: Shame and guilt can be related to many factors, including <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2023/12/overcoming-feelings-of-sexual-shame-and.html">personal shame about sex</a>, <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2023/12/overcoming-feelings-of-sexual-shame-and.html">cultural shame</a> or <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2023/12/overcoming-feelings-of-sexual-shame-and.html">interpersonal issues with a partner</a>.</span></li></ul><div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgrPKnDXYCxwsxOO5I8dTikMOraPLHZozEo0QyKCs4SNFzM4tUsmmTveNT_297RaeGgLSQ8R70zKdi1eLzE_Opek78voeJhgra-rcrsuwJ3-wqa6C3tsPCYU7F5J73jvoOLS0yP8nfe3hDa1P2vaLrcbs1MIaAlO1T-AmI8yCZPNlC3IRN8hgbhJvN1Lg4/s5472/shutterstock_2220402731.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><img border="0" data-original-height="3648" data-original-width="5472" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgrPKnDXYCxwsxOO5I8dTikMOraPLHZozEo0QyKCs4SNFzM4tUsmmTveNT_297RaeGgLSQ8R70zKdi1eLzE_Opek78voeJhgra-rcrsuwJ3-wqa6C3tsPCYU7F5J73jvoOLS0yP8nfe3hDa1P2vaLrcbs1MIaAlO1T-AmI8yCZPNlC3IRN8hgbhJvN1Lg4/w400-h266/shutterstock_2220402731.jpg" width="400" /></span></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-size: medium;">Anxiety-Related Problems With ED</span></b></td></tr></tbody></table></div><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>Relationship Conflict</b>: Stress and anxiety related to relationship conflict can be a contributing factor to ED and an inability to experience sexual pleasure. Relationship conflict can include frequent arguments, a history of emotional and/or sexual <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2009/06/relationships-coping-with-infidelity.html">infidelity</a>, <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2022/10/financial-infidelity-in-major-issue-in.html">financial infidelity</a>, child-rearing disagreements, problems with one's own family or with <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2009/06/relationships-dealing-with-difficult-in.html">in-laws</a>, and so on.</span></li></ul><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>Unresolved Sexual Trauma</b>: When there is unresolved sexual trauma, partnered sex can trigger trauma-related guilt and shame which often has nothing to do with the current sexual partner. Trauma-related <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2015/07/psychotherapy-blog-coping-with-trauma.html">triggers</a> occur in an instant without a person's conscious awareness. Since trauma-related triggers often occur outside a person's awareness, a man might not understand why he feels so emotionally overwhelmed in the moment because he doesn't realize he is triggered and that the trigger has nothing to do with his current partner. Anything can act as a trigger including a scent, a word, a gesture, a movement, a particular sexual position and hundreds of other things that were related to the original trauma (see my article: <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2022/10/how-unresolved-childhood-trauma-affects.html">How Unresolved Trauma Can Affect Your Relationship</a> and <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2010/11/psychological-effects-of-childhood.html">Overcoming a History of Sexual Abuse</a>).</span></li></ul><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>Sexual Libido Differences in a Relationship</b>: <i>This is the #1 problem that brings couples into <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2022/10/what-is-sex-therapy.html">sex therapy</a></i>. Even though they can accept that they have differences when it comes to food or entertainment, most people find it difficult to accept that they experience sexual libido differences with their partner. This can create sexual pressure for a man or <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2023/04/relationships-coping-with-sexual.html">feelings of sexual rejection</a> which, in turn, can lead to ED or sexual avoidance (see my article: <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2022/05/relationships-what-is-sexual-desire.html">Relationships and Mismatched Sex Drives: What is Discrepant Sexual Desire?</a>).</span></li></ul><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>Lack of Sexual Experience</b>: When a man worries he won't be able to "perform" sexually or that he won't be able to satisfy his partner, this can lead to "spectatoring" where a man becomes so self conscious that he becomes a so-called "spectator." Rather that enjoying sex with his partner, he is "spectatoring" which takes him out of the sexual experience and can create a problem ED (see my article: <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2021/07/sexual-wellness-overcoming-habit-of.html">What is Performative Sex?</a>).</span></li></ul><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>Stress and Worry Unrelated to Sex</b>: A little stress in the form of <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2022/05/one-of-four-cornerstones-of-eroticism.html">sexual anticipation</a> can enhance sexual pleasure, but too much stress can lead to ED. </span></li></ul><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>Other Mental Health Problems</b>: Generalized anxiety, depression and other mental health problems that are not directly related to sex can also contribute to ED.</span></li></ul></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>How Does Sex Therapy Help Men to Overcome Erectile Dysfunction?</b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy for individual adults and couples (see my article: <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2022/10/what-is-sex-therapy.html">What is Sex Therapy?</a>)</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Sex therapy is an effective treatment for sexual anxiety and other sexual problems.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">During a sex therapy session, there is no sex, nudity or physical exams (see my article: <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2022/12/what-are-most-common-misconceptions.html">What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?</a>).</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Individuals and couples seek help in sex therapy for many reasons (see my article: <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2022/12/what-are-most-common-issues-discussed.html">What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?</a>).</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Regardless of the sexual problem, sex therapy usually begins with an assessment, including taking a family history, relationship history and sexual history to determine how the current problem might be related to the client's history. This usually takes several sessions.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Sex therapy is an effective form of treatment for ED and other sexual problems (see my article: <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2022/12/overcoming-sexual-anxiety-part-2-how.html">How Sex Therapy Can Help With Sexual Anxiety</a>).</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">The underlying issues of erectile dysfunction are different for each person, so there is no one-size-fits all approach to overcoming ED. </span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">If a man is able to maintain an erection when he masturbates and if he experiences normal erections during sleep and upon waking up (also known as "morning wood"), ED is usually related to an underlying issue that he might have no awareness about before beginning sex therapy.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">A sex therapist is a trained mental health professional who has special training in sexual-related problems, including erectile dysfunction.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Sex therapists give sex therapy clients assignments to do at home either alone or with a partner. This can include (but is not limited to):</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;">Practicing Sensate Focus or other forms of touch exercises (see my article: <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2023/07/how-is-sensate-focused-used-in-sex.html">What is Sensate Focus?</a>)</span></li></ul><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;">Reading assignments </span></li></ul><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;">Keeping a journal related to the sexual problem (see my article: <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2023/01/keeping-erotic-journal-for-sexual-self.html">Keeping an Erotic Journal</a>)</span></li></ul><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;">Practicing sexual communication with a partner (see my article: <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2020/07/how-to-talk-to-your-partner-about-sex.html">How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex</a>)</span></li></ul><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;">Other assignments between sex therapy sessions</span></li></ul></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">If the ED occurs within the context of a relationship, it's considered a relationship problem and sex therapy is more effective if both partners are attending sex therapy sessions together.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">In future articles, I'll explore, among other topics, how the penis is often a barometer of physical, emotional and sexual health.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Also, see my article: <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2024/02/is-it-true-that-real-men-are-always.html">Is It True That "Real Men" Are Always Ready to Get It Up?</a></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>Getting Help in Sex Therapy</b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">In addition to whatever underlying issues there might be, men often feel too ashamed to seek help in sex therapy. This is often due to distorted stereotypes of what it means to "be a man" or to "be strong."</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj7rC_4hIc00BK06Fwu6Tni2rF2LH5u6LXjw-HOgRMJj0Vp8E3Xz1l4CQKWwUQRYbuypGaHAE_KT5pU88J176XXQoamuihiW5xaLzrTTQl2PqXyYg8sLRPwkRB6pf-0RRr-qXiRF7oY0NsiUzhllKFMwWJhhVVisA13zENMxR-ert7N2DZwiHvB49RPS14/s5616/shutterstock_226520932%20(4).jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><img border="0" data-original-height="3744" data-original-width="5616" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj7rC_4hIc00BK06Fwu6Tni2rF2LH5u6LXjw-HOgRMJj0Vp8E3Xz1l4CQKWwUQRYbuypGaHAE_KT5pU88J176XXQoamuihiW5xaLzrTTQl2PqXyYg8sLRPwkRB6pf-0RRr-qXiRF7oY0NsiUzhllKFMwWJhhVVisA13zENMxR-ert7N2DZwiHvB49RPS14/w400-h266/shutterstock_226520932%20(4).jpg" width="400" /></span></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-size: medium;">Getting Help in Sex Therapy</span></b></td></tr></tbody></table></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Sexual shame is often reduced or eliminated when men learn how common erectile dysfunction is for men regardless of age, sexual orientation, race and other identifying factors.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">If you're experiencing ED, rather than struggling on your own or ignoring the problem, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who is a trained sex therapist.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEglApHdES0M8i-A0D9p-GhaGedlvZJ8JYMpPT-dSX1MlaFzcfdV1QowFU5ssQRzC8hReSDFpRUwSodbTP_Vb0_pQBDCjfv9zsVKIvA8AuqWdidtChduYPsyJXddIVcey8rc6Uf1ZG9TCQjWbZan2jHpYqJSGvwIOc1WYywjgXyzSF0ZxIntCbEuE6LDVRc/s3840/shutterstock_1845843877.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2160" data-original-width="3840" height="225" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEglApHdES0M8i-A0D9p-GhaGedlvZJ8JYMpPT-dSX1MlaFzcfdV1QowFU5ssQRzC8hReSDFpRUwSodbTP_Vb0_pQBDCjfv9zsVKIvA8AuqWdidtChduYPsyJXddIVcey8rc6Uf1ZG9TCQjWbZan2jHpYqJSGvwIOc1WYywjgXyzSF0ZxIntCbEuE6LDVRc/w400-h225/shutterstock_1845843877.jpg" width="400" /></span></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-size: medium;">Getting Help in Sex Therapy</span></b></td></tr></tbody></table><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Overcoming anxiety-related ED can lead to more satisfying sex and a more meaningful life.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>About Me</b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>I am a licensed psychotherapist, sex therapist, couples therapist, hypnotherapist and trauma therapist (EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing and other forms of trauma therapy) with more than 20 years of experience.</b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b><br /></b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>I work with individual adults and couples and I have helped many clients to overcome sexual problems.</b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b><br /></b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>My office is conveniently located in Greenwich Village, Manhattan where I provide in-person and virtual sessions.</b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b><br /></b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>To find out more about me, visit my website: <a href="https://josephineferrarotherapy.com">Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist</a>.</b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b><br /></b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or <a href="mailto:josephineferraro@iCloud.com">email me</a>.</b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b><br /></b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div class="blogger-post-footer">Disclaimer: The postings on this blog are not meant to take the place of obtaining professional mental health services.</div>Josephine Ferraro, LCSWhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00594256291815008994noreply@blogger.comNew York, NY, USA40.7127753 -74.005972812.402541463821152 -109.1622228 69.023009136178842 -38.849722799999995tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6299184761490320524.post-76881057545793440462024-02-26T22:09:00.014-05:002024-02-28T20:52:06.450-05:005 Reasons Why Hope is Essential to Your Well-Being<div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Life can be so challenging at times that you might find yourself balancing feelings of hope and dread (see my article: <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2017/12/focusing-on-your-personal-strengths-to.html">Focusing on Your Personal Strengths to Get Through Stressful Times</a>).</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhaoImeqUUPm5gmSpnY5TeCMxXVTRR2GwRqdt1Q48ebB2eEWvvDXkiSDLlBBzxfDdfcSDar1KLIzs74tKWzZBGSXxvDfMU3HVCGPs6-eFM0iYBGjvkpT16BnoE5wEurjh1Lw0KsXF72-FGmJoze9ZFvYBRhFENFwXfmnOMlsWaU_9V2PG1ck198xpVluHI/s6192/shutterstock_2121831296%20(1).jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="4128" data-original-width="6192" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhaoImeqUUPm5gmSpnY5TeCMxXVTRR2GwRqdt1Q48ebB2eEWvvDXkiSDLlBBzxfDdfcSDar1KLIzs74tKWzZBGSXxvDfMU3HVCGPs6-eFM0iYBGjvkpT16BnoE5wEurjh1Lw0KsXF72-FGmJoze9ZFvYBRhFENFwXfmnOMlsWaU_9V2PG1ck198xpVluHI/w400-h266/shutterstock_2121831296%20(1).jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-size: medium;">Hope is Essential to Your Well-Being</span></b></td></tr></tbody></table></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">While it's important not to be overtaken by dread, it's also important not to live on false hope, which will be discussed later on in this article.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">This article will also discuss the role of unresolved trauma and how it can get in the way of having a sense of hope for the future.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>5 Reasons Why Hope is Important to Your Sense of Well Being</b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">There are many reasons why hope is important to your sense of well-being, including that it can provide: </span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>1. An Openness to New Possibilities: </b><span>When you feel hopeful, you're more likely to be <i>open to new and better possibilities for the future</i>. Even if there's just a glimmer of hope, it can be enough for you to envision a better future for yourself (see my article: <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2012/02/willingness-to-be-open-to-new.html">Being Open to New Possibilities</a>).</span></span></li></ul><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>2. A Sense of Motivation</b>: Hope can motivate you to <i>take action</i> because when you feel hopeful enough--even if you also feel some dread--you're more likely to take positive steps towards the goals or challenges you're facing (see my article: <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2009/09/making-changes-developing-internal.html">Developing Internal Motivation</a>).</span></li></ul><br /><div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjOkkFcOdPWyQIpgbdLoIoaGv7EZdTmtBTEgkJGO3Lb6Pz9cr59YK-R5mMsjBteH6JyL0JB6_uZ2hyphenhyphenReqNeNYSsKGsXOrmxB8N6vF2I_bNzS_Ds-licgENQ_o81f6DKRTwX9X7AmCWXDu5iCwei5E9BcZjqIGMp58bdJHJi_9jNDZWHePtivs-iDO7aqlg/s5472/shutterstock_376990708.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="3648" data-original-width="5472" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjOkkFcOdPWyQIpgbdLoIoaGv7EZdTmtBTEgkJGO3Lb6Pz9cr59YK-R5mMsjBteH6JyL0JB6_uZ2hyphenhyphenReqNeNYSsKGsXOrmxB8N6vF2I_bNzS_Ds-licgENQ_o81f6DKRTwX9X7AmCWXDu5iCwei5E9BcZjqIGMp58bdJHJi_9jNDZWHePtivs-iDO7aqlg/w400-h266/shutterstock_376990708.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-size: medium;">Hope is Essential to Your Well-Being</span></b></td></tr></tbody></table><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>3. A Willingness to Persevere</b>: Goals often require perseverance and perseverance is easier to sustain if you feel hopeful that your goals are achievable. This is especially true for long term goals where you might not always see progress immediately. Hope can sustain you through rough times when you might be tempted to give up (see my article: <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2013/07/achieving-your-goals-balancing.html">Achieving Your Goals With Perseverance</a>).</span></li></ul><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>4. A Willingness to Overcome Setbacks</b>: With many long term goals, there are often setbacks because <i>progress isn't linear</i>. This is true of many long terms projects. It's also true for psychotherapy. When you feel hopeful, you're more likely to take temporary setbacks in stride rather than letting setbacks deter you from your goals (see my article: <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2012/12/setbacks-are-normal-part-of.html">Setbacks Are a Normal Part of Therapy on the Road to Healing</a>).</span></li></ul><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>5. An Improvement to Health and Well-Being</b>: A sense of hope can improve your physical and mental well-being. When hope reduces stress, it can improve your immune system. Hope can also reduce anxiety and sadness. In addition, it can increase your confidence. Feeling hopeful and wanting to remain in a state of hopefulness can encourage you to surround yourself with like-minded people.</span></li></ul><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>Avoiding False Hope and Unrealistic Expectations</b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Being hopeful doesn't mean that you latch onto false hope or unrealistic expectations.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">It also doesn't mean "never giving up on your dreams" if your dreams aren't achievable or they're based on <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2022/11/what-is-toxic-positivity.html">toxic positivity</a>.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">For example, if you have a dream of being an Olympic swimmer, but you never learn to swim, your dream is rooted in false hope and unrealistic expectations. Or, if you want to become a concert pianist, but you hardly ever practice the piano, you're not going to fulfill your dream.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">The examples given above are easy to see, but it's not always clear when you're indulging in false hope. </span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">For example, if you're in a relationship that has long-standing problems, you might not have a sense of whether your relationship can be salvaged or if it's beyond repair. </span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">In that case, a couples therapist, who is a relationship expert, can help you both to assess how you feel about the relationship and whether you each feel it's still viable.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>Seeking Help in Therapy</b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">If you have unresolved trauma, you might find it challenging to feel hopeful even under the best of circumstances because your prior traumatic experiences can cloud your perspective (see my article: <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2013/08/working-through-emotional-trauma.html">Overcoming Trauma: Separating Then From Now</a>).</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjDbWuLuD_It_ufYPFcrZrxW6Bicp65PEw-cD7lqLUgDptYFBGm0jk9r9ooU1bCWSfHoB-n9duxDPSyDOUYa5yktC-D1WCm1c0y_kLhpyCpSz3nEKPVYMPHksRv6TNFwF49nuuYJYQ0TFPiNmVEfalwWhvjrY23DanSO0oZRsMuEl-GynCfTYNu31gReFM/s5760/shutterstock_767721019.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="3840" data-original-width="5760" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjDbWuLuD_It_ufYPFcrZrxW6Bicp65PEw-cD7lqLUgDptYFBGm0jk9r9ooU1bCWSfHoB-n9duxDPSyDOUYa5yktC-D1WCm1c0y_kLhpyCpSz3nEKPVYMPHksRv6TNFwF49nuuYJYQ0TFPiNmVEfalwWhvjrY23DanSO0oZRsMuEl-GynCfTYNu31gReFM/w400-h266/shutterstock_767721019.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-size: medium;">Seek Help in Therapy</span></b></td></tr></tbody></table></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">If you feel you're constantly "waiting for the other shoe to drop" even when there's nothing in your current circumstances to warrant your concern, you could benefit from seeking help from a <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2020/04/what-is-trauma-therapist_27.html">trauma therapist</a>.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">A skilled trauma therapist can help you to free yourself from your traumatic history so you can live a more hopeful and meaningful life.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>About Me</b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2022/10/what-is-sex-therapy.html">Sex Therapist</a>.</b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b><br /></b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>As a trauma therapist, I have helped many individual adults and couples to overcome their traumatic history (see my article: <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2020/04/what-is-trauma-therapist_27.html">What is a Trauma Therapist?</a>).</b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b><br /></b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>To find out more about me, visit my website: <a href="https://josephineferrarotherapy.com">Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist</a>.</b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b><br /></b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or <a href="mailto:josephineferraro@iCloud.com">email me</a>.</b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div class="blogger-post-footer">Disclaimer: The postings on this blog are not meant to take the place of obtaining professional mental health services.</div>Josephine Ferraro, LCSWhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00594256291815008994noreply@blogger.comNew York, NY, USA40.7127753 -74.005972812.402541463821152 -109.1622228 69.023009136178842 -38.849722799999995tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6299184761490320524.post-77381286217877997462024-02-26T08:00:00.002-05:002024-02-29T18:32:07.179-05:00What is a Strengths-Based Perspective in Psychotherapy?<span style="font-size: medium;">In recent years, many psychotherapists have become increasingly open to adopting a strengths-based perspective in psychotherapy. This strengths-based perspective looks at not only clients' problems but also emphasizes clients' strengths and positive qualities. </span><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">Social work has had an influence on this trend because it has a long tradition of recognizing clients' positive aspects. Over the years, as psychotherapists with social work background have come to dominate the psychotherapy field in New York City, psychotherapy has begun to change to reflect this positive perspective.</span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">I believe there are many advantages to having a strengths-based perspective in psychotherapy--not least of which is that psychotherapists can help clients to develop increased self confidence as they learn to appreciate the strengths they already have. As it is, many clients come to therapy feeling badly about themselves. Often, they can't see their many positive qualities. They dwell mostly on the negative.</span></div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div>
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</span><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEigmcb6DGtToV0YFx55NKKi0t76CbKi_0c-NfKYyUvnf6LbzfaB27wxM2cilgJW9pefGBIh_cj2bNG0ugz6XusYU9hwEjMB5iHj1uJCLRTW8hca1z_KBg8ejTbkg5qKhuWvWjQJor-xJdp7t4TNgZZjbtU6EcXbhv0rMMpf3iYT97OtxpsY2uBZ5nBg/s5760/shutterstock_2044804919.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><img border="0" data-original-height="3840" data-original-width="5760" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEigmcb6DGtToV0YFx55NKKi0t76CbKi_0c-NfKYyUvnf6LbzfaB27wxM2cilgJW9pefGBIh_cj2bNG0ugz6XusYU9hwEjMB5iHj1uJCLRTW8hca1z_KBg8ejTbkg5qKhuWvWjQJor-xJdp7t4TNgZZjbtU6EcXbhv0rMMpf3iYT97OtxpsY2uBZ5nBg/w400-h266/shutterstock_2044804919.jpg" width="400" /></span></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-size: medium;">A Strengths-Based Perspective in Therapy</span></b></td></tr></tbody></table><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div>
<span style="font-size: medium;"><b>Therapists who have a strengths-based perspective can help clients to appreciate what's <i>right </i>about them and not just what's wrong.</b><br />
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Psychotherapy's early history was one of pathologizing clients. In recent years, mind-body oriented psychotherapy, which includes EMDR, clinical hypnosis, and Somatic Experiencing, has emphasized helping clients to develop emotional resources as compared to only looking for pathology. <i>One of the best ways to help clients build emotional resources is to help them enhance the strengths they already have and might not even realize they have. </i><br />
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<b>Recognizing Strengths and Accomplishments</b><br />
For instance, a client, who begins psychotherapy due to a history of trauma, might have significant accomplishments, despite longstanding trauma. S/he might have graduated college, raised a family, and maintained gainful employment. </span><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">Many clients don't appreciate their own resilience and ability to persevere despite adverse circumstances. They often minimize these strengths by telling themselves and others, "It wasn't such a big deal. I just did what I had to do." But a psychotherapist with a strengths-based perspective has the objectivity and the mindset to help a client with these strengths to appreciate and <i>build </i>upon these strengths.<br />
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A strengths-based perspective in psychotherapy is <i>not</i> a "feel good"or "Pollyanna" approach. Therapists still need to help clients to overcome their problems and to look at how they might even be contributing to their problems. A strengths-based perspective isn't a quick fix. Rather, it's an even-handed, holistic approach that, I believe, in the long run, is much more beneficial to psychotherapy clients.<br />
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<i>If you have been considering attending psychotherapy, but you've been hesitant because you fear being pathologized in therapy, I recommend that you find a psychotherapist who has a strengths-based perspective. </i></span></div><div><i><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></i></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><i>Before you embark on the self exploration involved in psychotherapy, I recommend that you ask questions. Most experienced therapists expect potential clients to ask them about their psychotherapy approach in an initial consultation. Many therapists also have websites that provide information about their particular philosophy to psychotherapy. You have a right to be an informed consumer and to trust your instincts.</i></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><i><br /></i></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">See my articles: </span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2013/05/a-strengths-based-holistic.html">A Strengths-Based Perspective in Psychotherapy: Looking at the Whole Person</a><br /></span></div><div><br /></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2017/12/focusing-on-your-personal-strengths-to.html">Focusing on Your Personal Strengths to Cope With Stressful Times</a>.<br />
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<b>About Me</b></span></div><div><b><span style="font-size: medium;">I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing and <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2022/10/what-is-sex-therapy.html">Sex Therapist</a>.</span></b></div><div><b><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></b></div><div><b><span style="font-size: medium;">I work with individual adults and couples. </span></b></div><div><b><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></b></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>I have helped many clients overcome obstacles so that they could lead more fulfilling lives.</b><br />
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<b>To find out more about me, visit my website: <a href="http://josephineferrarotherapy.com/">Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist</a>.</b><br />
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<b>To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or <a href="mailto:josephineolivia@aol.com">email me</a></b><br />
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<br /></div></div><div class="blogger-post-footer">Disclaimer: The postings on this blog are not meant to take the place of obtaining professional mental health services.</div>Josephine Ferraro, LCSWhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00594256291815008994noreply@blogger.comNew York, NY, USA40.7127753 -74.005972812.402541463821152 -109.1622228 69.023009136178842 -38.849722799999995tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6299184761490320524.post-71951821460068922352024-02-26T07:00:00.000-05:002024-02-26T07:25:36.474-05:00Focusing on Your Personal Strengths to Cope With Stressful Times<span style="font-size: medium;">Most people tend to focus on what they consider their weaknesses and forget to consider their personal strengths. When they go through stressful times, focusing on where they feel deficient makes it much more stressful for them. </span><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">In this article, I'm proposing that focusing on your personal strengths will help you more during difficult times. For this article, I'm using the terms "personal strengths" and "internal resources" interchangeably (seems article: <a href="http://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2017/03/discovering-your-personal-strengths-in.html">Discovering Your Personal Strengths</a> and <a href="http://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2009/10/psychotherapy-developing-internal.html">Developing Internal Resources and Coping Skills</a>).<br />
<br /></span><span style="font-size: medium;"><b><br /><br /><br /></b><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEimLW8d6bJNk-dpTpc-LPNts9y5c6djWROcZETyfFIYLHqynOjFcDS4oLzSGELM6EiUEu5EMh3prMz0_HWRXm7bpf2RuDf7PMz9nzUtdkrIAj2SOZaePyztbYtNA9zSm0jOjYG9-xq9a_PChgsaeE0lFoBfRITdoGc6o_moa2Yu8Xln5O5X7uanktwWkWw/s1000/shutterstock_1761099719.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="667" data-original-width="1000" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEimLW8d6bJNk-dpTpc-LPNts9y5c6djWROcZETyfFIYLHqynOjFcDS4oLzSGELM6EiUEu5EMh3prMz0_HWRXm7bpf2RuDf7PMz9nzUtdkrIAj2SOZaePyztbYtNA9zSm0jOjYG9-xq9a_PChgsaeE0lFoBfRITdoGc6o_moa2Yu8Xln5O5X7uanktwWkWw/w400-h266/shutterstock_1761099719.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-size: medium;">Focusing on Your Personal Strength to Cope With Stress</span></b></td></tr></tbody></table></span><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><b><br /></b></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>Identifying Your Personal Strengths</b><br />
Everyone has personal strengths--whether they focus on them or not. <br />
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Your personal strengths are what's going to help you to cope with stress--<i>not</i> the areas where you feel deficient. So, it's important to harness those inner resources to reduce your stress and resolve your problems.<br />
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Unfortunately, so many people are unable to identify their personal strengths. They're so focused on being critical of themselves that they forget all the wonderful qualities that they possess that have gotten them through rough times in the past.<br />
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Rather than focusing on their internal resources, they worry and project their fears into the future. So, not only are they worried about what's happening in the current situation, but they're also projecting and predicting problems in the future--problems that might never come.<br />
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If you tend to project negative outcomes, think about all the times when you did this in the past and how often your projections came true. If you're like most people, your negative projections occurred only a fraction of the time. That means that you spent a lot of time and effort worrying for no reason.<br />
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<b>Should You Completely Ignore Your Weaknesses?</b><br />
Does this mean that you should <i>completely ignore</i> about your weaknesses? The short answer is: No, especially if they're having an adverse effect on your life. <br /></span><span style="font-size: medium;"><br />
For instance, if your manager tells you that you're doing a great job with most of your responsibilities, but you really need to improve your presentation skills, you're not going to ignore this because it would be detrimental to your job. You're going to find out what you can do to improve your presentation skills and then do it.<br />
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Or, if your spouse tells you that you tend to zone out with your phone when she talks and she would appreciate your being more present, are you going to ignore your wife's request? No, you're going to make an effort to put down your phone more often so you can be fully present when you talk to each other.<br />
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So, I'm not proposing that you only focus exclusively on your strengths all the time without trying to make improvements in the areas where you could stand to improve. What I'm saying is that many people only focus on their weaknesses, and they could use some <i>balance</i> in their approach.<br />
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<b><u>How to Focus on Your Strengths to Cope With Stressful Times</u></b><br />
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<b>Think About How You Got Through Difficult Times in the Past</b><br />
The easiest way to focus on your strengths when you're under stress is to think about past memories when you succeeded in getting through hard times.<br />
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Which inner resources allowed you to get through a challenging time? <br />
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<b>Write About the Personal Strengths That Helped You in the Past</b><br />
If you're struggling to identify the personal strengths that got you through, take a few minutes to write about it. Writing helps to clarify your thoughts and concretize your ideas. Don't spend time being critical of your writing. This exercise is only for you--no one else needs to see it.<br /></span><span style="font-size: medium;"><br />
<b>Write About How These Same Inner Resources Can Help You Now</b><br />
Very often, the personal strengths that got you through in the past are the same strengths that can help you now. It's a matter of remembering and using them again.<br />
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<b>Speak to Your Loved Ones</b><br />
It's often the case that loved ones can see and remember the personal strengths that helped you in the past long after you've forgotten about them. So, if you have trusted family and friends who saw you through difficult times in the past, <i>ask them</i> what they observed about you. You might be surprised to hear what they have to say. Write it down before you forget. <br />
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<b>What If You're Too Stressed Out to Focus on Your Personal Strengths?</b><br />
There are times when people are under so much stress that their feelings and thinking are clouded by the stress, and it's difficult to get beyond worrying and expecting the worst.<br />
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When you're <i>that </i>worried, you need to consider how the stress will affect your health. Up to a certain point, stress can motivate you and give you the extra edge you need to get going. But when you're flooded with stress, it can damage your health with no beneficial effects (see my article: <a href="http://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2009/06/how-to-stop-worrying-steps-you-can-take.html">Tips on How to Stop Worrying</a>).<br />
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At that point, you could benefit from getting help from a licensed mental health professional, who can help you to remember your personal strengths and help you to develop new internal resources.<br />
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<b>Getting Help in Therapy</b><br />
Everyone needs help at some point.<br />
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A skilled psychotherapist knows how to help clients to access the best part of themselves to get through tough times and also help them to cultivate new internal resources (see my article: <a href="http://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2012/08/positive-psychotherapy-strengths-based.html">A Strengths-Based Perspective in Psychotherapy</a>).<br />
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If you're overwhelmed by stress, rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed psychotherapist, who has helped clients to call on their personal strengths and get through stressful times. <br />
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By working with an experienced psychotherapist, you can get through a tough time and come out on the other end feeling confident in yourself and free from the worries that were so debilitating. You'll can also feel more confident about handling new challenges.<br />
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<b>About Me</b><br />
<b>I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist (see my article: <a href="http://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2017/10/the-therapeutic-benefits-of-integrative.html">The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy</a>).</b><br />
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<b>I have helped many clients to focus on their personal strengths as well as develop new internal resources to cope with difficult times or unresolved trauma.</b><br />
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<b>When I begin working with a new client in my psychotherapy practice in New York City, I begin by focusing on their personal strengths or internal resources, especially if the client has come in to deal with a major stressor or unresolved trauma. I also help clients to develop new internal resources in addition to the ones they already possess.</b><br />
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<span style="font-size: medium;"><b>To find out more about me, visit my website: <a href="http://josephineferrarotherapy.com/">Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist</a>.</b><br />
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<b>To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or <a href="mailto:josephineolivia@aol.com">email me</a>.</b><br />
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<br /></div></div><div class="blogger-post-footer">Disclaimer: The postings on this blog are not meant to take the place of obtaining professional mental health services.</div>Josephine Ferraro, LCSWhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00594256291815008994noreply@blogger.comNew York, NY, USA40.7127753 -74.005972839.9423093 -75.296866299999991 41.483241299999996 -72.7150793tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6299184761490320524.post-73019986090897327832024-02-14T13:03:00.016-05:002024-02-14T13:37:00.593-05:004 Ways Unresolved Trauma Can Have a Negative Impact on You and Your Relationship<div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">There are many ways unresolved trauma can create problems for you and your relationship, especially unresolved childhood trauma (see my article: <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2022/10/how-unresolved-childhood-trauma-affects.html">How Unresolved Trauma Can Affect Your Ability to Be in a Relationship</a>).</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgSCXJKp27KrWpKS85tMibA_QFs8wUWkFwx9u4KzeFygLQdCXfYtmqy275GAVp3FOvgfLR7VLJWLys1_aKIuDUsuXSO9kWcApKvAwrc3VTkjgJv15920c-kKs8D_rB03MPhJwn132MPDTSB9Qtbmw8ThR_kTR-XJI-7Wo-OPyCEHH1I3ckzFPp4pqjK9e8/s6144/shutterstock_137684498%20(1).jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><img border="0" data-original-height="4096" data-original-width="6144" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgSCXJKp27KrWpKS85tMibA_QFs8wUWkFwx9u4KzeFygLQdCXfYtmqy275GAVp3FOvgfLR7VLJWLys1_aKIuDUsuXSO9kWcApKvAwrc3VTkjgJv15920c-kKs8D_rB03MPhJwn132MPDTSB9Qtbmw8ThR_kTR-XJI-7Wo-OPyCEHH1I3ckzFPp4pqjK9e8/w400-h266/shutterstock_137684498%20(1).jpg" width="400" /></span></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-size: medium;">Unresolved Trauma Can Affect You and Your Relationship</span></b></td></tr></tbody></table></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b><br /></b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>4 Ways Unresolved Trauma Can Have a Negative Impact on You and Your Relationship</b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">In this article, I'm focusing specifically on the following four problems:</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>Developing Rigid Negative Beliefs About Yourself and Relationships</b></span></li></ul><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>Choosing an Unhealthy Partner</b></span></li></ul><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>Getting Triggered During Conflicts with Your Partner</b></span></li></ul><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>Staying in an Unhealthy Relationship Too Long</b></span></li></ul></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>1. Developing Rigid Negative Beliefs About Yourself and Relationships</b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Your early childhood experiences have an important impact on your beliefs about yourself and about relationships in general.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">If you grew up in a dysfunctional family where life was chaotic and you felt <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2013/08/overcoming-emotional-pain-of-feeling.html">unlovable</a> and <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2016/10/growing-up-feeling-invisible-and.html">emotionally invalidated</a>, you might have formed rigid and negative beliefs about yourself and relationships, including:</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;">"I don't deserve a loving partner."</span></li><li><span style="font-size: medium;">"No one will find me lovable."</span></li><li><span style="font-size: medium;">"All men are cheaters."</span></li><li><span style="font-size: medium;">"Women can't be trusted."</span></li><li><span style="font-size: medium;">"Men only want sex."</span></li></ul></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">And so on.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">You might also have a strong <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2016/08/fear-of-abandonment-can-occur-even-in.html">fear of rejection and abandonment</a> based on your early experiences. In addition, you might even anticipate rejection and abandonment where these problems doesn't exist.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">These rigid negative beliefs make it difficult to trust anyone so even though you might <i>want</i> to have a partner, you might also <i>dread</i> getting into a relationship (see my article: <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2013/02/an-emotional-dilemma-wanting-and.html">An Emotional Dilemma: Wanting and Dreading Love</a>).</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>2. Choosing an Unhealthy Partner</b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">If you don't know what a healthy relationship looks like because you grew up in a <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2015/03/psychotherapy-blog-dynamics-of-adult.html">dysfunctional family</a>, you might not know how to choose someone who is right for you.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><i>Consciously</i>, you might tell yourself you want a relationship that's different from what you experienced growing up, but <i>unconsciously</i> you might gravitate towards partners who feel <i>familiar</i> to you. If what's familiar is dysfunction, that might be what you're drawn to when you're meeting a potential partner.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">On an <i>unconscious</i> level, you might also be drawn to people who aren't interested in you because these types of situations activate a familiar <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2023/05/relationships-confusing-love-and-longing.html">longing</a> in you from your childhood (see my article: <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2013/01/letting-go-of-unhealthy-relationships.html">Letting Go of an Unhealthy Relationship: Unrequited Love</a>).</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b><br /></b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>3. Getting Triggered During Conflicts in Your Relationship</b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">If you have unresolved trauma, you can get easily <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2015/07/psychotherapy-blog-coping-with-trauma.html">triggered</a> during an argument with your partner. </span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjnZzCOUVJmh88AHW3XIER0Bcei7Zg7h9MrE7lhkyeA6LjsnfqWGmGGszROLWiB7Y1MiQZT3ns5PADWRGV3ElOg-tUSmEwbVO4wSi8VSCqKi68obgY2gCneM3U6TDJjFzqdAMWosSUpuzrEUk8Vt63cYY34KfPcV8E6OT9N5hmjKsFN1DNVENWAs84Rfho/s5760/shutterstock_165088649.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><img border="0" data-original-height="3840" data-original-width="5760" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjnZzCOUVJmh88AHW3XIER0Bcei7Zg7h9MrE7lhkyeA6LjsnfqWGmGGszROLWiB7Y1MiQZT3ns5PADWRGV3ElOg-tUSmEwbVO4wSi8VSCqKi68obgY2gCneM3U6TDJjFzqdAMWosSUpuzrEUk8Vt63cYY34KfPcV8E6OT9N5hmjKsFN1DNVENWAs84Rfho/w400-h266/shutterstock_165088649.jpg" width="400" /></span></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-size: medium;">Unresolved Trauma Can Get Triggered During Arguments</span></b></td></tr></tbody></table></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">In the moment, you might not realize that you're stuck in a <i>trauma response</i> because you don't realize your unresolved trauma is getting triggered or, even if you're aware of it, you could find it hard to distinguish between your current emotions from past experiences (see my article: <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2013/08/working-through-emotional-trauma.html">Overcoming Trauma: Learning to Separate Past Traumatic Experiences From Now</a>).</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Even if you're in a healthy relationship, your old emotional wounds can get triggered from unresolved trauma. This can create a trauma response including:</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>Fight</b>: </span></li><ul><li><span style="font-size: medium;">Getting into a confrontation with your partner</span></li><li><span style="font-size: medium;">Blaming your partner for your problems, </span></li><li><span style="font-size: medium;">Expressing criticism, contempt, defensiveness or stonewalling (see my article: <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2021/11/improve-communication-in-your.html">How to Improve Communication in Your Relationship By Eliminating the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse</a>).</span></li></ul></ul><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>Flight</b>: </span></li><ul><li><span style="font-size: medium;">Avoiding problems</span></li><li><span style="font-size: medium;">Acting impulsively to ward off unpleasant emotions</span></li><li><span style="font-size: medium;">Running away from intimate or emotional situations (see my article: <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2022/05/how-is-emotional-avoidance-related-to.html">How is Emotional Avoidance Related to Unresolved Trauma?</a>).</span></li></ul></ul><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>Freeze</b>: </span></li><ul><li><span style="font-size: medium;">Feeling helpless or hopeless</span></li><li><span style="font-size: medium;">Feeling unable to act</span></li><li><span style="font-size: medium;">Disconnecting emotionally from your partner (see my article: <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2013/02/somatic-experiencing-overcoming-freeze.html">Overcoming the Freeze Response Related to Unresolved Trauma</a>).</span></li></ul></ul><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>Fawn</b>: </span></li><ul><li><span style="font-size: medium;">Engaging in people-pleasing behavior with your partner to ward off your unpleasant feelings to the detriment of your emotional needs (see my article: <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2022/07/trauma-and-fawn-response-people.html">Trauma and the Fawn Response</a>).</span></li></ul></ul></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>4. Staying in an Unhealthy Relationship Too Long</b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">People who have unresolved trauma often develop an unhealthy tolerance for emotional abuse because it's familiar to them from their childhood and they don't realize they're in an unhealthy relationship (see my article: <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2012/02/relationships-should-you-stay-or-should.html">Should You Stay or Should You Leave Your Relationship?</a>).</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Even if you realize you're in an unhealthy relationship, you might feel this is all that you deserve and it's the best you can do because you feel so unworthy. This is related to negative beliefs about yourself mentioned above.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">You might also leave an unhealthy relationship, but you enter into a succession of unhealthy relationships after that because you haven't done the necessary psychological work to overcome your history of trauma that creates relationship problems for you.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>Getting Help in Trauma Therapy</b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Trauma therapy is different from regular talk therapy.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEis4hbRoMjUwDxEgfm2wjWTEmGU6KmRudYdg9NPrB4iMaacNPB6cggJ7k5jZ4z7RLM1qA7H4_Th8D6h601_tbu6TYFVNrHsWvinD9mTH7n9RssJ5b1TsE2AfHT32l9sK03SIa_joCc-nZv8c73XZosDRm45wrlkxlSbmo3b7xZTUDXpxy-8WF7iYRnYBVw/s5760/shutterstock_165088688.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><img border="0" data-original-height="3840" data-original-width="5760" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEis4hbRoMjUwDxEgfm2wjWTEmGU6KmRudYdg9NPrB4iMaacNPB6cggJ7k5jZ4z7RLM1qA7H4_Th8D6h601_tbu6TYFVNrHsWvinD9mTH7n9RssJ5b1TsE2AfHT32l9sK03SIa_joCc-nZv8c73XZosDRm45wrlkxlSbmo3b7xZTUDXpxy-8WF7iYRnYBVw/w400-h266/shutterstock_165088688.jpg" width="400" /></span></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-size: medium;">Getting Help in Trauma Therapy</span></b></td></tr></tbody></table></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Regular talk therapy where you talk about your trauma, but you don't actually process the trauma with specific trauma therapy interventions, isn't as effective as Experiential Therapies like <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2015/02/psychotherapy-blog-how-emdr-works-part.html">EMDR Therapy</a> (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing), <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2022/11/trauma-therapy-benefits-of-somatic.html">Somatic Experiencing</a> or <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2020/08/what-is-accelerated-experiential.html">AEDP</a> (Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy).</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">See my article: <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2018/02/why-experiential-psychotherapy-is-more.html">Why Experiential Therapy is More Effective Than Talk Therapy to Overcome Trauma</a>.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Instead of struggling on your own, you could benefit from working with a trauma therapist to overcome trauma that keeps you stuck. </span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">A skilled trauma therapist can help you to overcome trauma so you can lead a more fulfilling life (see my article: <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2020/04/what-is-trauma-therapist_27.html">What is a Trauma Therapist?</a>).</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>About Me</b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2022/10/what-is-sex-therapy.html">Sex Therapist</a>.</b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b><br /></b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>As a trauma therapist, I have helped many individual adults and couples to overcome trauma.</b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b><br /></b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>To find out more about me, visit my website: <a href="https://josephineferrarotherapy.com">Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist</a>.</b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b><br /></b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or <a href="mailto:josephineferraro@iCloud.com">email me</a>.</b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div class="blogger-post-footer">Disclaimer: The postings on this blog are not meant to take the place of obtaining professional mental health services.</div>Josephine Ferraro, LCSWhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00594256291815008994noreply@blogger.comNew York, NY, USA40.7127753 -74.005972812.402541463821152 -109.1622228 69.023009136178842 -38.849722799999995tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6299184761490320524.post-5677454758692267272024-02-14T10:00:00.000-05:002024-02-14T10:10:41.296-05:00Valentine's Day: 5 Tips For a Long and Happy Relationship<b><span style="font-size: medium;">It's Valentine's Day. If you're in a relationship, it's a reminder to show your appreciation for your spouse or partner. </span></b><div><b><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></b></div><div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEg1dWuTe14YiKlEpeFcxepISLi7EYFq10RLlliOg_dhdsCKFO3ZZ-bq9zj-5Ozg6P4U0jEdxuI9WHDe_LqoJl7eBZyfuRsSJvGqQpjOzBR-7sbhBlMbzCST2trAO_zjjdzoUvPS861jKnZUwfS8aeIXExZJdr0cRiL0hiMLZ9XX3O8rR_0t1jXjK82l=s3616" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1582" data-original-width="3616" height="280" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEg1dWuTe14YiKlEpeFcxepISLi7EYFq10RLlliOg_dhdsCKFO3ZZ-bq9zj-5Ozg6P4U0jEdxuI9WHDe_LqoJl7eBZyfuRsSJvGqQpjOzBR-7sbhBlMbzCST2trAO_zjjdzoUvPS861jKnZUwfS8aeIXExZJdr0cRiL0hiMLZ9XX3O8rR_0t1jXjK82l=w640-h280" width="640" /></span></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></td></tr></tbody></table><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><div style="text-align: left;"><b><span style="font-size: medium;">5 Tips For a Long and Happy Relationship</span></b></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">When you're in a long term relationship, it's easy to take each other for granted and forget to show love and appreciation, so here are some tips:</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><b><span style="font-size: medium;"><br />1. Remember what brought you together when you first fell in love: </span></b></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">In long-term relationships and marriages, it's easy to fall into the negative habit of nitpicking and fault finding. While you can't always expect that you'll feel the same passion and head-over-heels in love feelings you felt when you first met, it helps to remember the positive things that brought you together and reinforce those things in your relationship. For instance, if an interest in music brought you together, when was the last time the two of you went to a concert with your favorite artist? Make plans to do the things you both enjoy doing to bring back some fun and passion into your relationship.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /><b>2. Make Your Relationship the Priority: </b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">It's important to maintain friendships and family relationships but, over all, making your relationship with your spouse the priority will go a long way to setting the stage for a healthy, happy marriage. Don't take your spouse for granted. If friends and relatives are making constant demands of your time and this consistently takes away from your time with your spouse, you would be wise to rethink your priorities. Don't take the path of least resistance just because your spouse is always "understanding." Even if you have the most understanding spouse, when you consistently put others first, over time, you're eroding the quality of your relationship with your spouse.<br /><br /><b>3. Create Special Times with Your Spouse: </b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Every so often, it helps to create a special time with your spouse. Whether this means, you stay at home, unplug the phones and your gadgets, and have a romantic champagne brunch together or you have a romantic evening where you play with new sex toys, make an effort to create special times together. Nothing kills a marriage more than boredom, day after day, week after week, doing the same old things. Special times together help to rekindle your love for each other.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /><b>4. Choose Your Battles: </b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Nitpicking and nagging is a real turn off in any relationship. Sometimes, you have to ask yourself whether it's worth getting into an argument over something that, if you thought about it for a few minutes, is really a petty issue. Sometimes, it's necessary to have a larger perspective of the relationship and over look the "small stuff."</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /><b>5. Show Respect For Each Other at all Times, Even When You're Arguing: </b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Contempt is one of the biggest relationship killers. If you're the type to say disrespectful and contemptuous things to your spouse when you're arguing, you need to learn a different way of communicating because you're endangering your relationship. Once the contemptuous words leave your mouth, it's hard to take them back. Respectful communication between spouses is key to any long-term happy marriage.<br /><br /><b>Getting Help in Therapy</b><br />
If you and you partner have unresolved problems, you could benefit from couples therapy (see my article: <a href="http://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2018/07/how-eft-couples-therapy-can-help.html">How Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples Can Improve Your Relationship</a>).</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Rather than allowing things to continue to slide downhill, take steps to have a more fulfilling relationship.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: medium;"><br />
<b>About Me</b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.</b><br />
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<b>I work with individual adults and couples.</b><br />
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<b>To find out more about me, visit my website: <a href="http://josephineferrarotherapy.com/">Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist</a></b><br />
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<b>To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or <a href="mailto:josephineferraro@iCloud.com">email me</a>.</b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b><br /></b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b><br /></b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b><br /></b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b><br /></b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b><br /></b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b><br /></b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b><br /></b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b><br /></b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b><br /></b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b><br /></b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b><br /></b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b><br /></b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b><br /></b></span></div><br /></div><div class="blogger-post-footer">Disclaimer: The postings on this blog are not meant to take the place of obtaining professional mental health services.</div>Josephine Ferraro, LCSWhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00594256291815008994noreply@blogger.comNew York, NY, USA40.7127753 -74.005972812.402541463821152 -109.1622228 69.023009136178842 -38.849722799999995tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6299184761490320524.post-3501509891804188282024-02-11T16:14:00.003-05:002024-02-11T16:16:49.566-05:00How to Stop Arguments in Your Relationship<div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">In recent articles I've been focusing on how <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2018/07/what-is-emotionally-focused-couple.html">Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples</a> (also known as EFT) can help people in relationships to identify and break their negative cycles:</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2024/02/identifying-negative-cycle-in-your.html">Identifying the Negative Cycle in Your Relationship</a><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2024/02/breaking-negative-cycle-in-your.html">Breaking the Negative Cycle in Your Relationship</a><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">In the current article, I'm discussing an EFT strategy called TEMPO developed by George Faller, LMFT, EFT therapist and senior trainer, that can help you to stop arguments.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiCuAkAPU-sD8jcl1kFi14iyrXTgS3aQolH-ZGfYJPw6nNPS7A3SmpaS7qUFOKrXeQXJloo5n-pcrGFAcbxln4W_EU0oaSH6Vu4gFqmDeuc4Vtu-hcKuz_46TTUybCPI9R0s3Km88bKM07X0JgIUU6L4NARhRiWPAif2k0djglAJA5aulH1hW8Of8-_hHE/s6192/shutterstock_1787156570%20(1).jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="4128" data-original-width="6192" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiCuAkAPU-sD8jcl1kFi14iyrXTgS3aQolH-ZGfYJPw6nNPS7A3SmpaS7qUFOKrXeQXJloo5n-pcrGFAcbxln4W_EU0oaSH6Vu4gFqmDeuc4Vtu-hcKuz_46TTUybCPI9R0s3Km88bKM07X0JgIUU6L4NARhRiWPAif2k0djglAJA5aulH1hW8Of8-_hHE/w400-h266/shutterstock_1787156570%20(1).jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-size: medium;">How to Stop Arguments in Your Relationship</span></b></td></tr></tbody></table></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">George Faller and Laurie Watson discussed TEMPO in Episode 273 of their podcast, <i>Foreplay</i> <i>Radio</i>.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">TEMPO can be especially helpful for couples who have the same argument over and over again without resolution. This means they are stuck in a negative cycle, and they probably have no idea this is happening because they're unaware of their cycle. </span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">As I've mentioned in the previous articles, over time, the negative cycle erodes the relationship because couples don't know how to deal with it.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">So, TEMPO is a way you and your partner can stop arguing about the same thing so you can break the negative cycle.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>What is TEMPO?</b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">First, let's define what TEMPO means.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><span>George Faller, LMFT developed the acronym TEMPO </span><span>based on the work of Magda B. Arnold, a Canadian psychologist who was the first contemporary theorist to develop the appraisal theory of emotions.</span></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>TEMPO</b> stands for:</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>T: Trigger</b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>E: Emotion</b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>M: Meaning</b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>P: Protection</b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>O: Organization</b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>Trigger</b>: An emotional trigger includes the thoughts, memories, words or behavior that spark an intense negative reaction in you. Emotional triggers are immediate and come on suddenly without warning (see my article: <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2022/04/coping-with-emotional-triggers.html">Coping With Emotional Triggers</a>).</span></li></ul><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>Emotion</b>: In the context of having an argument, emotions are what you experience that are related to the trigger. You experience emotions <i>in the body first</i> before you can identify them mentally, so it's important to develop somatic awareness in order to be able to identify emotions (see my article: <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2024/01/the-mind-body-connection-what-is.html">The Mind-Body Connection: Developing Somatic Awareness</a>).</span></li></ul><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>Meaning</b>: Meaning refers to the story you tell yourself about what happened. It's what you tell yourself about what happened between you and your partner (see my article: <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2022/07/how-negative-personal-narrative.html">How a Negative Narrative Develops</a>).</span></li></ul><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>Protection</b>: Protection refers to what you say or do to protect yourself when you're faced with unpleasant emotions related to the situation you're in with your partner. This is usually an automatic reaction: fight, flight, <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2013/02/somatic-experiencing-overcoming-freeze.html">freeze</a> or <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2023/05/how-to-stop-people-pleasing-to-reduce.html">fawn</a>. Protection can also be thought of as <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2018/04/understanding-internal-and-external.html">defense mechanisms</a>.</span></li></ul><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>Organization</b>: Organization is a way to pause and slow down to:</span></li></ul><ul style="text-align: left;"><ul><li><span style="font-size: medium;">Identify the <i>Trigger</i></span></li><li><span style="font-size: medium;">Identify the <i>Emotion</i> and where you feel it in your body</span></li><li><span style="font-size: medium;">Identify the <i>Meaning</i> you're making of the situation--what you're telling yourself about it.</span></li><li><span style="font-size: medium;">Identify the <i>Protection</i> strategy you use. </span></li></ul></ul><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>Clinical Vignette</b></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">Let's take a look at a clinical vignette, which is a composite of many different cases, to clarify how the TEMPO strategy:</span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>Ina and Pete</b></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">Ina and Pete, both in their early 40s, have been married for five years, and they continue to have a recurring argument about lateness.</span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">When they meet for dinner at a restaurant, Ina tends to get there at least 10-15 minutes early and Pete tends to come 5-10 minutes late so that Ina usually has to wait for Pete. Pete usually doesn't acknowledge his lateness or apologize for it, which sets off Ina.</span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">When Ina is set off, she confronts Pete because, in EFT terms, she's an <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2022/03/relationships-understanding-partner-who_23.html">Emotional Pursuer</a> and she wants to get to the bottom of why he continues to comes late and he doesn't take responsibility for it.</span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">In EFT terms, Pete is an <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2022/03/relationships-understanding-partner-who.html">Emotional Withdrawer</a>, so when Ina confronts him, he wants to avoid arguing. As a result, he dismisses and deflects Ina's concerns, which triggers her even more. So, Ina confronts him even more, which makes Pete withdraw more. </span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">This is <i>pursuer-withdrawer dynamic</i> is their negative cycle: The more Ina pursues, the more Pete withdraws. Eventually, they get tired of the argument and after an hour or so, they talk about something else. </span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">Even though it appears on the surface that they have resolved their argument, they really haven't because there has been no resolution to their negative cycle, so they will continue to have this argument the next time Pete is late again.</span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">Let's look at how to use TEMPO as it applies to each of them and then how to look at their dynamic together.</span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>Ina's TEMPO</b></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><u>Trigger</u>: When Pete comes late and he doesn't acknowledge his lateness or take responsibility.</span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><u>Emotion</u>: Ina feels angry, frustrated and hurt that Pete continues to arrive late--even though she has told him many times how much this bothers her. She feels especially upset when Pete doesn't say anything to acknowledge and apologize for his lateness. In terms of where she feels the emotions in her body, she feels the anger and hurt in face, shoulders and her stomach.</span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><u>Meaning</u>: When she is triggered, in that moment Ina feels, "He must not love me if he continues to come late and he doesn't apologize to me--even though he knows it bothers me so much."</span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><u>Protection</u>: In EFT terms, as mentioned before, Ina is an Emotional Pursuer. She wants to get to the bottom of this problem immediately. She has a sense of urgency about it because she wants him to care about her and she also wants save their relationship.</span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><u>Organization</u>: If Ina knew the EFT TEMPO strategy, she would pause to identify the trigger, emotions and meaning she made out of this situation before she reacted.</span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>Pete's TEMPO</b></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><u>Trigger</u>: Pete gets triggered when Ina confronts him about his lateness. He rushed to the event, despite dealing with pressing issues at work that needed to be handled before he left. </span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><span><u>Emotion</u>: He feels unappreciated and unloved when Ina gets angry with him for his lateness. He's told her so many times that he can't help being late when he gets delayed at his office or when he gets stuck in traffic. He also feels angry and frustrated that she's not more understanding. </span><span>He feels his emotions in his chest and the back of his neck.</span></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><u>Meaning</u>: In the moment when he's triggered, he feels she must not love him if she greets him in such a confrontational way. </span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><u>Protection</u>: In EFT terms, as mentioned already, Pete is an Emotional Withdrawer. He feels so overwhelmed when Ina confronts him that he can't think straight. He needs time to step back and gather his thoughts. But when he hesitates, he's confronted even harder by Ina, which makes him want to withdraw even more.</span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><u>Organization</u>: If Pete knew the EFT TEMPO strategy, he would pause to identify the trigger, emotions and meaning he was attributing to this situation before he reacted.</span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>Putting It All Together: Organizing the Negative Cycle For the Couple:</b></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">Once you understand your side of the negative cycle in terms of your own trigger, emotion, meaning and protection strategy, you and your partner can discuss how to break the negative cycle.</span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">In the vignette with Ina and Pete, it might go something like this:</span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">Pete: "I know how much it upsets you when I'm late and I'm sorry. Instead of ignoring your emotions, I wish I had acknowledged it right away instead of getting defensive about it. From now on, I'll call you when I have a situation at work that will cause me to be late. I love you very much. Our relationship means everything to me, and I don't want to do anything to jeopardize it."</span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhkujt-7tSjpJADgQ9_udONnOx4WnCIRuQBlJYInwAjLH2eIAlvIfnl3bZS0ePevMQJRp8I_ohPuS5ZBgkRgblNMFtM6ydwG3aSWJbj0Q83RaZFJi20MwgCxPhqouUP7wDOAI4FIxXdpIm4vlFsdDQjxbBpyCVuyp70VtDLQEEV2n2P3J4OaE6O2mYjLew/s6192/shutterstock_1756331084%20(1).jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="4128" data-original-width="6192" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhkujt-7tSjpJADgQ9_udONnOx4WnCIRuQBlJYInwAjLH2eIAlvIfnl3bZS0ePevMQJRp8I_ohPuS5ZBgkRgblNMFtM6ydwG3aSWJbj0Q83RaZFJi20MwgCxPhqouUP7wDOAI4FIxXdpIm4vlFsdDQjxbBpyCVuyp70VtDLQEEV2n2P3J4OaE6O2mYjLew/w400-h266/shutterstock_1756331084%20(1).jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-size: medium;">Breaking the Negative Cycle in a Relationship</span></b></td></tr></tbody></table></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">Ina: "I know you do the best you can to try to come on time and sometimes you get delayed by emergencies at work or traffic. I know that what I feel in the moment--that you don't love me--is the story I'm telling myself when I get triggered and not how you really feel. Instead of coming at you as soon as I see you, I'll take a moment to pause and calm myself instead of lashing out at you."</span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">Pete: "I know you love and appreciate me too. In the moment when you get angry with me as soon as you see me, I feel like you don't care about me. That's the story I tell myself in that moment because I feel like I'm disappointing you and failing you."</span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">Ina: "Let's make an agreement to pause when we're both upset so we don't react and we don't argue."</span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">Pete: "I think that's a great idea. Let's do that."</span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">Notice that both Ina and Pete had to approach each other with <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2018/10/emotional-vulnerability-as-pathway-to.html">emotional vulnerability</a>, which is often the opposite of what they were feeling at the moment when they were arguing (see my article: <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2023/07/are-you-able-to-talk-about-your.html">Are You Able to Express Your Vulnerable Feelings to Your Partner?</a>).</span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">This is why it's so important to <i>slow down</i> and <i>pause</i> so you're not reactive and you can each get vulnerable with each other because, ultimately, <i>vulnerability is the way out of the negative cycle.</i></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>Is TEMPO an Automatic Fix For Recurring Arguments?</b></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">In a word, no--at least not immediately.</span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">A negative cycle can be very challenging to change, especially if it's been a longstanding one. Emotions occur in a fraction of a second without a person's conscious awareness. </span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">It takes a lot of practice using TEMPO to try to change an ingrained negative cycle, but it can be done.</span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">To complicate matters, emotional triggers are often related to earlier unresolved traumatic experiences from childhood (see my article: <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2022/10/how-unresolved-childhood-trauma-affects.html">How Unresolved Childhod Trauma Affects Relationships</a>).</span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">For instance, if Ina grew up in a household where her father was unreliable and he was often late or he disappeared for days, she would be dealing with the current situation with Pete as well as,<i> unconsciously</i>, experiencing the old unresolved trauma related to her father.</span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">If Pete grew up in a household where his parents criticized him a lot, he would be dealing with the current situation with Ina as well as, <i>unconsciously</i>, experiencing the old unresolved trauma related to his critical parents.</span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>Getting Help in EFT Couples Therapy</b></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">TEMPO is a tool you and your partner can use, but if you continue to get stuck in a negative cycle, you could benefit from EFT Couples Therapy.</span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">A skilled EFT couples therapist can help you to identify and break your negative cycle.</span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">Instead of struggling on your own, seek help in EFT Couples Therapy to have a more fulfilling relationship.</span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>About Me</b></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>I am licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2022/10/what-is-sex-therapy.html">Sex Therapist</a>.</b></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><b><br /></b></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>I have helped many individual adults and couples to overcome their problems, including unresolved trauma (see my article: <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2020/04/what-is-trauma-therapist_27.html">What is a Trauma Therapist?</a>).</b></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><b><br /></b></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>To find out more about me, visit my website: <a href="https://josephineferrarotherapy.com">Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist</a>.</b></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><b><br /></b></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or <a href="mailto:josephineferraro@iCloud.com">email me</a>.</b></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div class="blogger-post-footer">Disclaimer: The postings on this blog are not meant to take the place of obtaining professional mental health services.</div>Josephine Ferraro, LCSWhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00594256291815008994noreply@blogger.comNew York, NY, USA40.7127753 -74.005972812.402541463821152 -109.1622228 69.023009136178842 -38.849722799999995tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6299184761490320524.post-69903621580153964522024-02-08T11:03:00.004-05:002024-02-08T11:03:51.633-05:00Breaking the Negative Cycle in Your Relationship With Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples<div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">In my prior article, <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2024/02/identifying-negative-cycle-in-your.html">Identifying the Negative Cycle in Your Relationship</a>, I described a negative dynamic that many couples get stuck in after they have been together a while. </span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">That article also has a composite vignette about a couple and their underlying dynamics that contributed to their negative cycle. </span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhjbtrvh1RCEp4VYbW6RFEW-nHjViz1xoqwumN9tPmb2OwtKTkboWO464cJWGJQyt5ZbY6A0x906RRoslW0oznZQYYGAn9FQtKZh_DecyEgN_D9Mmb5go5hAXx3PF-Ffg9DEbcYcEP7XmzZJLrjHl6OAkXYjl0WRsqvgo4pt1IWZJd-vyCicMKOwlUXUTY/s5616/shutterstock_199719188.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="3744" data-original-width="5616" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhjbtrvh1RCEp4VYbW6RFEW-nHjViz1xoqwumN9tPmb2OwtKTkboWO464cJWGJQyt5ZbY6A0x906RRoslW0oznZQYYGAn9FQtKZh_DecyEgN_D9Mmb5go5hAXx3PF-Ffg9DEbcYcEP7XmzZJLrjHl6OAkXYjl0WRsqvgo4pt1IWZJd-vyCicMKOwlUXUTY/w400-h266/shutterstock_199719188.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-size: medium;">Breaking the Negative Cycle in a Relationship</span></b></td></tr></tbody></table></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">If you haven't read the prior article, please review it <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2024/02/identifying-negative-cycle-in-your.html">here</a> so you can follow the continuation of this topic in the current article.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">I'm continuing with the same vignette to show how <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2018/07/what-is-emotionally-focused-couple.html">Emotionally Focused Therapy for couples</a> helps couples to break and, eventually, to <i>prevent</i> negative cycles from occurring.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><u>As a brief recap</u>: The negative cycle is a repeating pattern of thoughts, feelings and behaviors within a relationship that cause distress. This ongoing cycle erodes relationships if couples don't learn to break and prevent the cycle.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Aside from their repetitive nature, negative cycles create difficulties for couples because they don't know how to get out of them and they don't understand the <i>underlying unconscious issues</i> that fuel these dynamics.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>Clinical Vignette - Part 2</b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">The following is a continuation of the vignette about Tom and Jane from my <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2024/02/identifying-negative-cycle-in-your.html">prior article</a>:</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>Tom and Jane</b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Since Tom and Jane were unaware of the concept of a negative cycle, they had no way to address it on their own. They knew they needed professional help, so Tom and Jane sought help from an Emotionally Focused Therapy couples (EFT) therapist who was also a <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2022/10/what-is-sex-therapy.html">sex therapist</a>.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">By the time they sought help, Tom and Jane were so stuck in their negative cycle that they were having frequent arguments. In addition, their relationship had become so contentious that they were hardly having sex. </span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiboASxpjd2zbiX_RAKegMhPtYa_-djlO_A9H6lgEaYXmUYKfPTJKEd_7A0F2VKQRZIAjVhGoEv7J0W8W59GCqurxiyZR43H15U8NfhrTt_4AyqxilcoAHSwBnRjbU56QpBS57WE9jot4ex6-_DV5CpauqPF3ADftJsPLVqUi_zyyb4ySR9zmhdmmFvRhs/s5616/shutterstock_199724426.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="3744" data-original-width="5616" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiboASxpjd2zbiX_RAKegMhPtYa_-djlO_A9H6lgEaYXmUYKfPTJKEd_7A0F2VKQRZIAjVhGoEv7J0W8W59GCqurxiyZR43H15U8NfhrTt_4AyqxilcoAHSwBnRjbU56QpBS57WE9jot4ex6-_DV5CpauqPF3ADftJsPLVqUi_zyyb4ySR9zmhdmmFvRhs/w400-h266/shutterstock_199724426.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-size: medium;">Breaking the Negative Cycle in a Relationship</span></b></td></tr></tbody></table></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">After getting detailed family, relationship and sexual histories, their EFT couples therapist helped them to de-escalate enough so they could talk to each other calmly. </span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Then, she explained the concept of the negative cycle in relationships so they could begin the work of repairing their relationship. </span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Jane talked about how unhappy she was because she felt Tom had so little regard for her feelings. She had told him many times that maintaining order in their apartment was important to her sense of well being. She said she felt hurt that he didn't take into account how anxious she felt when he multi-tasked while doing housework so that the environment in the apartment was chaotic. </span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Jane said she felt he must not love her if he continued to create a chaotic environment at home even though he knew this upset her so much. She gave an example of how he left laundry in the dryer, instead of folding clothes right away, so that the clothes became wrinkled. </span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">"I know this might sound petty and ridiculous," Jane said to the couples therapist, "but the wrinkled laundry and the chaos he creates when he's doing chores makes me anxious. He knows this, so why would he continue to do it if he loved me?"</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">When it was Tom's turn, he told the couples therapist that he has his own way of doing things and he didn't want to be dictated to by Jane and treated like a child. He said he liked to multi-task because that's how he does things and, in the end, everything gets done and the household is neat and orderly afterwards. He admitted he could do a better job with the laundry, but he felt Jane's reaction was out of proportion to the situation.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">"I feel so unappreciated and unloved by Jane." Tom told the couples therapist, "I just can't understand why she's making such a big thing about this. We keep arguing about the same thing and it has taken a toll on our relationship. If she really loved me, she would just relax about it."</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Since the therapist had already taken a family history from each of them, she had a good idea that the unconscious underlying issues were for each of them was their <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2020/02/how-trauma-affects-intimate.html">history of unresolved trauma</a>:</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><u>Jane's Unresolved Trauma</u></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Jane grew up in a chaotic household with alcoholic parents. As a young child, she functioned as a parent to her younger siblings because there was no one else to do it.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Not only was this overwhelming for such a young girl, it was also traumatic and remained unresolved for Jane because she had never worked through these issues in therapy. </span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">It was apparent that Jane's unresolved trauma was getting <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2015/07/psychotherapy-blog-coping-with-trauma.html">triggered</a> in her relationship with Tom whenever he created a mess in the apartment, but she didn't see the connection between her childhood trauma and her current situation.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><u>Tom's Unresolved Trauma</u></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Tom was an only child who grew up feeling unloved and unappreciated by his parents because they paid little attention to him. </span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">He tried to elicit their love and attention by excelling at school and in sports, but his parents were preoccupied with their work. Their praise was meager, so Tom grew up feeling unloved and unappreciated.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">It was apparent that Tom's unresolved trauma was getting triggered whenever Jane criticized him and he felt unloved and unappreciated, but he had no awareness of this.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>Breaking the Negative Cycle in Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples</b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><div><span style="font-size: medium;">The couples therapist knew that Jane and Tom's triggers were <i>unconscious </i>so they didn't understand that their relationship dynamic was triggering these old unresolved childhood wounds.</span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">Over time, she helped Jane and Tom to make their unconscious issues conscious so they could understand the connection (see my article: <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2012/12/psychotherapy-making-unconscious.html">Making the Unconscious Conscious</a>). </span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">She also helped them to stop blaming each other and to <i>focus on breaking their negative</i> <i>cycle</i>. This was a crucial part of the work because it allowed Jane and Tom to <i>come together</i> <i>as a team</i>, instead of fighting with each other.</span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">Their therapist helped them to understand how each of their attachment styles affected their dynamic (see my article: <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2017/12/how-your-attachment-style-affects-your.html">How Your Attachment Style Affects Your Relationship</a>).</span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">Their couples therapist helped them to develop the tools to interrupt their negative cycle so they could each calm down and discuss their problems calmly. </span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">After they interrupted their negative cycle, they would each take time to get <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2010/05/feeling-emotionally-grounded-during.html">grounded</a> and centered using the <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2009/10/psychotherapy-developing-internal.html">coping mechanisms</a> they learned from their EFT couples therapist.</span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><div><span style="font-size: medium;">They each learned to regulate their own emotions as well as provide <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2024/02/what-is-emotional-co-regulation.html">emotional co-regulation</a> for each other. </span></div></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">After she taught them to interrupt their negative cycle, over time, she helped Tom and Jane to <i>prevent</i> the negative cycle from occurring by teaching them to create an attachment-friendly environment for their relationship, as discussed in Julie Menanno's book, <i>Secure Love</i>.</span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><u>An Attachment-Friendly Environment For a Relationship</u></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">The EFT therapist taught them to:</span></div><div><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;">Develop empathy for each other</span></li><li><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></li><li><span style="font-size: medium;">Respond with curiosity without <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2021/11/improve-communication-in-your.html">criticism, contempt, defensiveness or stonewalling</a></span></li></ul><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;">Build <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2023/12/how-to-build-trust-and-connection-in.html">trust and emotional connection</a></span></li></ul><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;">Validate each other's feelings--even if their own experience was different from their partner (see my article: <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2022/10/relationships-how-to-develop-and-use.html">Using Emotional Validation in Your Relationship</a>)</span></li></ul><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;">Be <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2018/10/emotional-vulnerability-as-pathway-to.html">emotionally vulnerable</a> with each other</span></li></ul><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;">Increase their <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2017/11/expanding-your-window-of-tolerance-in.html">window of tolerance</a> so they increased their <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2009/06/emotional-resilience.html">emotional resilience</a></span></li></ul><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><u>Sex Therapy</u></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">Learning to prevent their negative cycle enabled Tom and Jane to work with their EFT couples therapist,who was also a <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2022/10/what-is-sex-therapy.html">sex therapist</a>, to improve their sex life.</span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><span> </span>See my articles:</span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2022/12/what-are-most-common-issues-discussed.html">What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?</a><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2022/12/what-are-most-common-misconceptions.html">What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?</a><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">Over time, they were able to have enjoyable sex that was better than before their negative cycle began.</span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><u>Working in Trauma Therapy to Overcome Unresolved Trauma</u></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">Tom and Jane each attended individual therapy with <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2020/04/what-is-trauma-therapist_27.html">trauma therapists</a> to work through their individual histories of trauma.</span></div></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">Tom chose an <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2015/02/psychotherapy-blog-how-emdr-works-part.html">EMDR therapist</a> and Jane worked with a <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2010/12/mind-body-oriented-psychotherapy_11.html">Somatic Experiencing therapist</a> so they were no longer triggered by unresolved childhood trauma.</span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>Conclusion</b></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">The work was neither quick nor easy, but Tom and Jane learned to prevent their negative cycle from occurring by overcoming their underlying unresolved issues.</span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiNLe60hOVOsMg5pjoZRyApk69vd7zIxaySVDuqR_aRrpX0OX8Nh0RB-GqB-6gv_Nfm9PXvpKtF9xA4extU0EuIT5h5C7usHEXhhoMpDe0aioha59pN5YSyq1EZkCi3dxBGuOrtyIDwpTRoSFtRtGNqMBWx978gzYCFZw_9RDOtJEjhrVpSO5b0Vr0FWkc/s5760/shutterstock_199712309.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="3840" data-original-width="5760" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiNLe60hOVOsMg5pjoZRyApk69vd7zIxaySVDuqR_aRrpX0OX8Nh0RB-GqB-6gv_Nfm9PXvpKtF9xA4extU0EuIT5h5C7usHEXhhoMpDe0aioha59pN5YSyq1EZkCi3dxBGuOrtyIDwpTRoSFtRtGNqMBWx978gzYCFZw_9RDOtJEjhrVpSO5b0Vr0FWkc/w400-h266/shutterstock_199712309.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-size: medium;">Breaking the Negative Cycle in a Relationship</span></b></td></tr></tbody></table><br /></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">They also learned how to interact with each other in a healthy way by creating an attachment-friendly environment for their relationship by developing empathy, trust, emotional connection, an expanded emotional capacity and practicing emotional vulnerability and validation.</span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>Getting Help in Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples (EFT)</b></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">The negative cycle is difficult to overcome on your own because you and your partner might not see the unconscious issues beneath the surface, and even if you see these issues, they're difficult to change on your own without the help of a skilled couples therapist.</span></div><div><br /></div><div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">If you and your partner are struggling with a negative cycle, get help in EFT couples therapy so you can have a more fulfilling relationship.</span></div></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>About Me</b></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2022/10/what-is-sex-therapy.html">Sex Therapist</a>.</span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">I am a <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2022/03/what-does-sex-positive-mean.html">sex-positive</a> therapist who works with individual adults and couples to help them to overcome unresolved problems, including a history of trauma (see my article: <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2020/04/what-is-trauma-therapist_27.html">What is a Trauma Therapist?</a>).</span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">To find out more about me, visit my website: <a href="https://josephineferrarotherapy.com">Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist</a>.</span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or <a href="mailto:josephineferraro@iCloud.com">email me</a>.</span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div class="blogger-post-footer">Disclaimer: The postings on this blog are not meant to take the place of obtaining professional mental health services.</div>Josephine Ferraro, LCSWhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00594256291815008994noreply@blogger.comNew York, NY, USA40.7127753 -74.005972812.402541463821152 -109.1622228 69.023009136178842 -38.849722799999995tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6299184761490320524.post-76982530582148854992024-02-06T12:29:00.010-05:002024-02-28T20:44:45.471-05:00Identifying the Negative Cycle in Your Relationship<div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;">In her book, <i>Secure Love</i>, <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2018/07/how-eft-couples-therapy-can-help.html">Emotionally Focused Therapy for couples</a> therapist Julie Menanno, LMFT, discusses how couples can strengthen the bonds of love in their relationship by breaking the negative cycle that keeps them stuck with unresolved problems.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEilMg7pjW3oZ-zrMdxJwsuZDwQF5awQZp5suMrMo2urE3gu8s_56oJyBhdNkiCFk8o4xcWY2CDJFrpPSgI5fORPrKWUevoHUh1n1mF5Hv_tvtx8xqEc2frtq00VFsr7t2qxERKyRSsGzJlZrE_BywXQk1lOuOvMDuAOQak0HgC7_H0HdjQ1uCoC_Q5oC90/s6560/shutterstock_2283644053.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><img border="0" data-original-height="4373" data-original-width="6560" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEilMg7pjW3oZ-zrMdxJwsuZDwQF5awQZp5suMrMo2urE3gu8s_56oJyBhdNkiCFk8o4xcWY2CDJFrpPSgI5fORPrKWUevoHUh1n1mF5Hv_tvtx8xqEc2frtq00VFsr7t2qxERKyRSsGzJlZrE_BywXQk1lOuOvMDuAOQak0HgC7_H0HdjQ1uCoC_Q5oC90/w400-h266/shutterstock_2283644053.jpg" width="400" /></span></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;">Identifying the Negative Cycle in Your Relationship</span></b></td></tr></tbody></table></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;">I began a discussion about the negative cycle in a prior article, <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2018/06/overcoming-negative-dynamic-in-your.html">Overcoming the Negative Cycle in Your Relationship That Keeps You Stuck</a>.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;">In the current article I'm focusing on how you can <i>identify the negative cycle </i>in your relationship. </span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><b>What Are Negative Cycles?</b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;">Most couples don't start their relationship with a negative cycle because the first stage of the relationship is usually the <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2023/05/romantic-attractions-what-is-limerence.html">honeymoon stage</a> where there's so much exciting new relationship energy that the negative cycle often doesn't come up (see my article: <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2023/05/romantic-attractions-what-are-3-stages.html">What Are the 3 Phases of the Honeymoon Stage?</a>).</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;">The honeymoon phase, which is also known as limerence, usually lasts anywhere from a few months to a couple of years. After that, new relationship energy tends to decrease and each person begins to see the flaws and problems in their relationship.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhZW8d-SNe6RjxXixSnscyvYAAN26wt27YLs5jP8_N5t6PGk4zrFWX8dMhm41mymZSCUkNosccxTkA_bAD3HfX6Bb1FRXSn3viiTJ8LwvG91a4GOGLAAOTEmWyWiFuAYCyYgVijAUXOX6wkrlz6whBQzyu7eqypsqZp9_NOIKqwAvslwiegdmGUZzVB-XA/s6016/shutterstock_2251511463.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><img border="0" data-original-height="4016" data-original-width="6016" height="268" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhZW8d-SNe6RjxXixSnscyvYAAN26wt27YLs5jP8_N5t6PGk4zrFWX8dMhm41mymZSCUkNosccxTkA_bAD3HfX6Bb1FRXSn3viiTJ8LwvG91a4GOGLAAOTEmWyWiFuAYCyYgVijAUXOX6wkrlz6whBQzyu7eqypsqZp9_NOIKqwAvslwiegdmGUZzVB-XA/w400-h268/shutterstock_2251511463.jpg" width="400" /></span></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;">Identifying the Negative Cycle in Your Relationship</span></b></td></tr></tbody></table></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;">After the honeymoon phase, when the first conflict hits, the argument usually runs its course and the partners reconnect without too much of a problem. Sometimes this happens with each person agreeing that they don't want to argue and making up is relatively easy that first time.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;">But after a while, certain themes emerge as problems in the relationship. These themes create ongoing conflict. </span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;">Although the couple might eventually make up after each argument, their relationship takes a hit every time they argue because they're not addressing the negative cycle in these conflicts and they often don't even realize there's a negative cycle.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhSuZd-4tkGlE0azgccQq73FGs9qDXXvl8AFJTghqj5ZMopwhxV1ZDDSJZeUn1MZI8G1KvLrvmmEgFP6bc-2tbmR7H9HlDdbjkqDyV3FJW46qDKm8sEQ8U02E4PagknS4xGQuhVyYUqMuZ5Fw0Ch7NvOzilkFoEVsESzDgZiFdXALEnCJn-QLGzAQOCnqQ/s5184/shutterstock_157081367.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><img border="0" data-original-height="3456" data-original-width="5184" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhSuZd-4tkGlE0azgccQq73FGs9qDXXvl8AFJTghqj5ZMopwhxV1ZDDSJZeUn1MZI8G1KvLrvmmEgFP6bc-2tbmR7H9HlDdbjkqDyV3FJW46qDKm8sEQ8U02E4PagknS4xGQuhVyYUqMuZ5Fw0Ch7NvOzilkFoEVsESzDgZiFdXALEnCJn-QLGzAQOCnqQ/w400-h266/shutterstock_157081367.jpg" width="400" /></span></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;">Identifying the Negative Cycle in Your Relationship</span></b></td></tr></tbody></table></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;">After each argument they might promise each other to improve their communication, but if they continue to ignore the underlying issues in these arguments--either because they don't know what the issues are or they're avoiding dealing with these issues--they're going to continue to get stuck in a negative cycle.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;">As an Emotionally Focused Therapist, when I work with couples who are stuck in a negative cycle, I help them to identify this dynamic. Eventually, instead of blaming each other in endless arguments, they learn to work as a team to break the cycle that keeps them stuck.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><b>Clinical Vignette</b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;">The following example, which is a composite of many different cases, shows a common negative cycle and the underlying issues that keep this couple stuck and having the same argument over and over again:</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><b>Tom and Jane</b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;">Three years into their marriage, Tom and Jane are stuck in a negative cycle where they argue about how Tom leaves the laundry in the dryer so that the clothes get wrinkled.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><span>When Jane does the laundry, she folds the clothes right away so they don't get wrinkled. In addition, </span><span>Jane told Tom many times that <i>it's important to her</i> to do it this way. </span><span>She said that wrinkled laundry feels chaotic to her and makes her anxious when she sees it. </span></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;">But Tom likes to multi-task so when it's his turn to do the laundry, he's also cooking and doing other things around the apartment. As a result, he allows the laundry to sit in the dryer and by the time he takes the clothes out, the clothes are wrinkled. </span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjrHRfvLDedEHRBrULQaGGM05nhjbs2VujtTomgHcYYokpvSMAobTRqOyDUpP-f7Ucqu5RCY7i3y67PDS74oWGaqPOzp7mgYRw2Cj39us8lO2VrZ1A-2Inteu-k51-m-E6A8Q2wVPJMYYw4p39eDfVXENzdpjSUL5EY8fS47OtvzcmCuDRvu7csuQH2TYc/s7647/shutterstock_1883018938.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><img border="0" data-original-height="5101" data-original-width="7647" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjrHRfvLDedEHRBrULQaGGM05nhjbs2VujtTomgHcYYokpvSMAobTRqOyDUpP-f7Ucqu5RCY7i3y67PDS74oWGaqPOzp7mgYRw2Cj39us8lO2VrZ1A-2Inteu-k51-m-E6A8Q2wVPJMYYw4p39eDfVXENzdpjSUL5EY8fS47OtvzcmCuDRvu7csuQH2TYc/w400-h266/shutterstock_1883018938.jpg" width="400" /></span></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;">Identifying the Negative Cycle in Your Relationship</span></b></td></tr></tbody></table></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;">When Jane sees the pile of wrinkled laundry, she feels frustrated, hurt and angry. <i>She feels upset</i> <i>that Tom isn't taking her feelings into account </i>after she's told him so many times how she feels about this.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;">When Jane confronts him about the wrinkled laundry, <i>Tom feels unappreciated </i>for all he does, so he gets defensive and, by then, they're well into ongoing negative cycle. </span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;">Jane told Tom, "You do housework in such a chaotic way! I've told you so many times that it's important to me that you fold the laundry as soon as the clothes are dry because they get wrinkled if you leave them in the dryer. I've told you how important this is to me. Why can't you do it? It's so simple."</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;">Tom responded, "What's the big deal? Why do you pick on the one thing I got wrong instead of focusing on everything I did right today. I did the laundry. I cooked. I vacuumed and mopped. I took care of the recycling. I feel so unappreciated by you!"</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;">After a while, each of them retreats to other rooms to calm down on their own. By the time they come back together, neither of them wants to argue anymore. There's been no resolution. They just start talking about something else without addressing the negative cycle until the next time it happens again.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;">In fact, <i>they don't recognize they have a negative cycle</i> at this point in their relationship. They know they argue about the same types of issues, but they don't recognize these arguments as part of an ongoing dynamic.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;">In addition, they don't realize there are<i> unconscious issues from the past</i> for each of them that are getting <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2015/07/psychotherapy-blog-coping-with-trauma.html">triggered</a>.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;">Over time, the negative cycle affects their sex life. Four years into their relationship, their sex life dwindled down to once a month because their arguments created emotional and sexual distance between them.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><b>What Are the Underlying Issues?</b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;">Looking at these arguments on the surface, Tom and Jane are arguing about wrinkled clothes. But there are important underlying issues for each of them.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><u>Jane's Underlying Issues</u></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><span>Jane grew up in a dysfunctional household with two alcoholic parents. The household was almost always chaotic with few, if any, routines. </span><span>This meant that, as the oldest child, Jane often took over her parents' responsibilities in the household, which was overwhelming for her. </span></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;">After she moved out on her own, Jane developed routines for herself at home that helped her to feel calm and emotionally centered. </span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;">Whenever Jane discovered the wrinkled laundry, <i>on an unconscious level</i>, she felt unloved by Tom because it <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2015/07/psychotherapy-blog-coping-with-trauma.html">triggered</a> old feelings from her childhood when she felt unloved by her parents. </span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><i><br /></i></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><i>She didn't know these old feelings were being triggered</i>. She just felt that if Tom loved her, he would do what she asked him to do because he would know it was important to her. </span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;">She didn't make the connection between her unresolved childhood trauma and the dynamic in her relationship with Tom (see my article: <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2020/02/how-trauma-affects-intimate.html">How Unresolved Trauma Can Affect a Relationship</a>).</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><u>Tom's Underlying Issues</u></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;">As an only child, Tom grew up feeling unappreciated by his parents, who were often so involved with their business that they hardly had time for him. </span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;">Tom desperately wanted his parents' love and attention. So, he would work hard to get good grades in school and excel at sports--all in an effort to feel loved and appreciated by his parents. </span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;">But his parents were preoccupied with their work most of the time, so they only gave him superficial praise, which was disappointing for Tom. Often they focused on a particular flaw in something Tom did instead of everything else he accomplished. This left Tom feeling unappreciated and <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2013/08/overcoming-emotional-pain-of-feeling.html">unlovable</a>.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;">Every time Jane confronted him about wrinkled laundry without appreciating how much else he was doing in their home, <i>on an unconscious level</i>, Tom felt unloved and unappreciated because Jane's criticism <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2015/07/psychotherapy-blog-coping-with-trauma.html">triggered</a> old feelings from his childhood. </span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><i>He didn't know these old feelings were being triggered</i>. He just felt that if Jane loved him, she would appreciate his overall effort at home and she wouldn't focus on the one thing she thought he did wrong. </span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;">He didn't make the connection between his <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2020/02/how-trauma-affects-intimate.html">unresolved childhood trauma</a> and the dynamic in his relationship with Jane.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><b>Identifying the Negative Cycle</b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><i>On the surface</i>, it appears that Jane and Tom's problems are about wrinkled laundry, which might seem trivial. </span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;">But when the <i>underlying issues</i> are taken into account, it becomes obvious that there's a lot more going on than meets the eye.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2018/07/what-is-emotionally-focused-couple.html">Emotionally Focused Therapy for couples</a> helps each individual in a relationship to look for the <i>unconscious triggers</i> that are affecting their relationship so they can address those issues in couples therapy.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;">If these underlying issues aren't addressed, couples continue to repeat the negative cycle, which will erode their relationship over time.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><b>Next Article</b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;">In my next article, <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2024/02/breaking-negative-cycle-in-your.html">Breaking the Negative Cycle in Your Relationship With Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples</a>, I'll show you how Tom and Jane <i>break the negative cycle</i> in their relationship in <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2018/07/what-is-emotionally-focused-couple.html">Emotionally Focused Therapy for couples</a>.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><b>Getting Help in EFT Couples Therapy</b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;">If you and your partner have been unable to resolve problems on your own, you could benefit from working with an EFT couples therapist.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;">Over 30 years of <a href="https://iceeft.com/eft-research-3/">research</a> has revealed that Emotionally Focused Therapy for couples is an effective form of couples therapy that has been empirically validated.<br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;">Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed EFT couples therapist so you can break the negative cycle and have a more fulfilling relationship.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><b>About Me</b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><b>I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2022/10/what-is-sex-therapy.html">Sex Therapist</a>.</b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><b><br /></b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><b>I work with individual adults and couples to help them resolve their problems, including problems related to unresolved trauma (see my article: <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2020/04/what-is-trauma-therapist_27.html">What is a Trauma Therapist?</a>).</b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><b><br /></b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><b>To find out more about me, visit my website: <a href="https://josephineferrarotherapy.com">Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist</a>.</b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><b><br /></b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><b>To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or <a href="mailto:josephineferraro@iCloud.com">email me</a>.</b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div class="blogger-post-footer">Disclaimer: The postings on this blog are not meant to take the place of obtaining professional mental health services.</div>Josephine Ferraro, LCSWhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00594256291815008994noreply@blogger.comNew York, NY, USA40.7127753 -74.005972812.402541463821152 -109.1622228 69.023009136178842 -38.849722799999995tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6299184761490320524.post-92189159834694218112024-02-04T21:02:00.014-05:002024-02-04T21:27:53.409-05:00What is Emotional Co-Regulation?<div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Co-regulation is an essential part of being in a committed relationship.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgYnp0OfVC2mp31dQIYBIu4AkQ2tF94UnbJwqcSMVH-_q9ic8Hb2tsj6rGSJww7NckkVpdTAs_vCcTyuyxTvjeWXtAna6pwdrg9RMyN2cG6Q5twLNr-kjb4hYSIPe-qxm4H73OlG5lZosdwPF0qmwtDSWTxwTbxWHaK6j4PUMU2SsO6pSq5oGGMcwGjdXg/s8208/shutterstock_2239058567.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><img border="0" data-original-height="5472" data-original-width="8208" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgYnp0OfVC2mp31dQIYBIu4AkQ2tF94UnbJwqcSMVH-_q9ic8Hb2tsj6rGSJww7NckkVpdTAs_vCcTyuyxTvjeWXtAna6pwdrg9RMyN2cG6Q5twLNr-kjb4hYSIPe-qxm4H73OlG5lZosdwPF0qmwtDSWTxwTbxWHaK6j4PUMU2SsO6pSq5oGGMcwGjdXg/w400-h266/shutterstock_2239058567.jpg" width="400" /></span></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-size: medium;">Emotional Co-Regulation in a Relationship</span></b></td></tr></tbody></table></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><span>The ability t</span><span>o be </span><a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2018/10/emotional-vulnerability-as-pathway-to.html">emotionally vulnerable</a> <span>enough to turn to your partner and allow your partner to turn to you for emotional support is an important skill that many couples struggle with in their relationship.</span></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>What is Emotional Self Regulation?</b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><div><span style="font-size: medium;">In order to understand <i>emotional co-regulation</i>, it's important to understand how <i>emotional</i> <i>self regulation</i> develops.</span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">Emotional self regulation is the ability to manage thoughts and emotions in a healthy way.</span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjbY6M4fiEXQGSTFjrwRtdd-ZW8ZCDcRMgeEq5_VavrYeXBwsXAZhDrnsdx1WhUn7cC2hkLTNlfVExKkxsPT07lhcgBJ198aUHz3_1uv3U6rWZtN2WLhyphenhyphen-xF6gMoZ3QTbZlxDbzr3iYj9fCoy7n94K7G7aWq6u2xk-P30Alyz-HMlcp18b7_9-wye3COPs/s5000/shutterstock_2284143999.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><img border="0" data-original-height="3750" data-original-width="5000" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjbY6M4fiEXQGSTFjrwRtdd-ZW8ZCDcRMgeEq5_VavrYeXBwsXAZhDrnsdx1WhUn7cC2hkLTNlfVExKkxsPT07lhcgBJ198aUHz3_1uv3U6rWZtN2WLhyphenhyphen-xF6gMoZ3QTbZlxDbzr3iYj9fCoy7n94K7G7aWq6u2xk-P30Alyz-HMlcp18b7_9-wye3COPs/w400-h300/shutterstock_2284143999.jpg" width="400" /></span></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-size: medium;">Emotional Self Regulation</span></b></td></tr></tbody></table><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">The emotional self regulation process begins in infancy with a nurturing caregiver who provides stable and consistent care and support for the baby.</span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">Emotional self regulation develops over time with a caregiver who can manage their own emotions and helps the baby to manage theirs.</span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">For instance, when a baby cries, their caregiver is there to pick up and soothe the baby by holding them, speaking to them in a soothing voice and taking care of their basic physical and emotional needs so the baby calms down and feels secure.</span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">When a crying baby is soothed by a caregiver, the baby becomes aware over time that their caregiver is there to help them manage their emotions. Even though the a baby has no <i>explicit</i> thoughts or words to express this awareness, <i>they</i> <i>internalize the sense of feeling comforted</i>.</span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">In other words, if the baby experiences the caregiver as being consistent in providing care and nurturance, the baby has an<i> implicit</i> <i>sense </i>of being loved and cared for by the caregiver. They internalize the sense that the caregiver will be there for them when they are in distress as well as when they're feeling good.</span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">To paraphrase <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2016/09/books-tea-with-winnicott-at-87-chester.html">Donald Winnicott</a>, the British psychoanalyst and pediatrician, the caregiver doesn't need to be perfect--just "good enough" to help the baby to develop physically, emotionally and psychologically.</span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjEMCRBUy5OHz6-9cSgmysL5c7nnztrgp_-0zl4WSXjWrnFBTEZjbgSn1DUk5EF2hLL7TDTxHG14p90Qk2zG6ZmYWIDn3e4spI66bvgGw4tDM2U1tL1UQiFQG8N3OJ8qHHPd3ofqh7dhUHzVc3yCqBhWvIhsUlaSpB2rwn300W1vBz53AAix04qEkz1HKk/s3000/shutterstock_161584835.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2000" data-original-width="3000" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjEMCRBUy5OHz6-9cSgmysL5c7nnztrgp_-0zl4WSXjWrnFBTEZjbgSn1DUk5EF2hLL7TDTxHG14p90Qk2zG6ZmYWIDn3e4spI66bvgGw4tDM2U1tL1UQiFQG8N3OJ8qHHPd3ofqh7dhUHzVc3yCqBhWvIhsUlaSpB2rwn300W1vBz53AAix04qEkz1HKk/w400-h266/shutterstock_161584835.jpg" width="400" /></span></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-size: medium;">A Caregiver Soothes Her Distressed Infant</span></b></td></tr></tbody></table><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">Under good enough circumstances, this child will develop a <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2017/12/how-your-attachment-style-affects-your.html">secure attachment</a> to the caregiver. </span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">Other circumstances can develop over time which can challenge secure attachment, including childhood trauma, caregiver trauma, and so on. </span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><span>For instance, i</span><span>f the child becomes overwhelmed by ongoing physical or </span><a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2013/12/what-is-childhood-emotional-neglect.html">emotional neglect</a><span>, the child can develop insecure attachment with the caregiver, which has negative implications for relationships with others, including adult relationships when this child becomes an adult.</span></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">For the purposes of understanding how emotional self regulation works, let's assume that circumstances are good enough and this securely attached relationship with the caretaker enables the child to develop a healthy foundation for emotional self regulation skills. </span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">Aside from providing a warm and responsive relationship, a nurturing caregiver also provides the child with a stable and safe home environment. </span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><span>The caregiver, who is able to manage their own emotions, also models self regulation skills for the child as the child becomes older and more aware of the caregiver's emotions.</span></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><span><br /></span></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><span>When the child is overwhelmed, the caregiver uses their own emotional regulation skills to soothe the child. This allows the child to internalize a sense that even big emotions can be managed with the caregiver's help. </span><span><i>This is co-regulation between the caregiver and the child.</i></span></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">This secure foundation, in turn, helps this individual to develop other healthy relationships as they mature into adulthood. </span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>What is Emotional Co-Regulation?</b></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">Humans are hard-wired from birth for attachment throughout the life cycle.</span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">Someone who developed healthy emotional self regulation with their caregiver still needs other close relationships to fulfill their emotional needs.</span></div></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">Over time, an individual, who is able to form relationships with other relatives, friends, mentors, coaches, psychotherapists, romantic relationships and other adult relationships, can have these emotional needs fulfilled.</span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><u>Examples of Emotional Co-Regulation</u></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">Adult emotional co-regulation can take many forms, including</span></div><div><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;">Getting together with a buddy to talk about something upsetting</span></li><li><span style="font-size: medium;">Talking to a business mentor about a problem at work</span></li><li><span style="font-size: medium;">Seeking help in therapy to deal with an unresolved problem</span></li><li><span style="font-size: medium;">Talking to their pastor or rabbi for emotional support and advice</span></li><li><span style="font-size: medium;">Seeking emotional support and advice from an older sibling about a problem</span></li><li><span style="font-size: medium;">Seeking emotional support from a partner or spouse about a problem, including problems in their relationship.</span></li></ul><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>Turning to Your Partner for Emotional Co-Regulation</b></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">The examples above show how, even when someone knows how to self regulate, emotional co-regulation can occur in many circumstances with friends, mentors, relatives, religious leaders, therapists and partners when self regulation isn't enough.</span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">Most people would agree that when you're in a committed relationship, you also want to be able to turn to your partner and allow your partner to turn to you for emotional co-regulation. </span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">Yet, emotional co-regulation with a partner or spouse is very difficult for many people because they struggle to be vulnerable with their partner (see my article: <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2018/10/emotional-vulnerability-as-pathway-to.html">Emotional Vulnerability is a Pathway to Emotional Intimacy in a Relationship</a>).</span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">This is especially true for individuals who have an insecure attachment style where they didn't have good enough experiences with their primary caregiver or where other traumatic circumstances occurred that makes it hard for them to trust enough to be vulnerable.</span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>Next Article</b></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">In the next article I'll focus emotional co-regulation in relationships, including overcoming an ongoing <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2018/06/overcoming-negative-dynamic-in-your.html">negative cycle</a> in your relationship.</span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>Getting Help in Therapy</b></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">If you're struggling with unresolved problems, you could benefit from seeking help from a licensed mental health professional.</span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgTpLb0DeGKtWAJGsRRjkZLQm5hUG3ULd_7DnU9uiKng_-ioDrnca4jrxI2OE5CdKo04CPmBThyphenhypheneIROspMU9PtoRhMOYEKvG-OhbOMsawVGEyFKiPTEkds3PFaOU6ZrIAiSJG7dpzZvw8UAy3mvJpuasot7t-wCBzeYpT_3SYadoL48ax-XA3boEq7qmN4/s5760/shutterstock_1969036054%20(1).jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><img border="0" data-original-height="3840" data-original-width="5760" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgTpLb0DeGKtWAJGsRRjkZLQm5hUG3ULd_7DnU9uiKng_-ioDrnca4jrxI2OE5CdKo04CPmBThyphenhypheneIROspMU9PtoRhMOYEKvG-OhbOMsawVGEyFKiPTEkds3PFaOU6ZrIAiSJG7dpzZvw8UAy3mvJpuasot7t-wCBzeYpT_3SYadoL48ax-XA3boEq7qmN4/w400-h266/shutterstock_1969036054%20(1).jpg" width="400" /></span></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-size: medium;">Getting Help in Couples Therapy</span></b></td></tr></tbody></table></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">Even the most well adjusted individual can encounter circumstances that are so stressful that they are beyond their ability to cope.</span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">A skilled psychotherapist can help you to develop the necessary skills to work through your problems so you can lead a more meaningful life (see my article: <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2022/11/managing-your-emotions-while-working.html">Managing Your Emotions While Working Through Psychological Trauma</a>).</span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>About Me</b></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2022/10/what-is-sex-therapy.html">Sex Therapist</a>.</b></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><b><br /></b></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>I work with individual adults and couples (see my article: <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2020/04/what-is-trauma-therapist_27.html">What is a Trauma Therapist?</a>).</b></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><b><br /></b></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>To find out more about me, visit my website: <a href="https://josephineferrarotherapy.com">Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist</a>.</b></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><b><br /></b></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or <a href="mailto:josephineferraro@iCloud.com">email me</a>.</b></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><br /></div></div><div class="blogger-post-footer">Disclaimer: The postings on this blog are not meant to take the place of obtaining professional mental health services.</div>Josephine Ferraro, LCSWhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00594256291815008994noreply@blogger.comNew York, NY, USA40.7127753 -74.005972812.402541463821152 -109.1622228 69.023009136178842 -38.849722799999995tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6299184761490320524.post-44932040393867480332024-02-02T16:46:00.017-05:002024-02-02T16:57:46.541-05:00How Can a Growth Mindset Improve Your Relationship?<span style="font-size: medium;">I began a discussion about the difference between a growth mindset and a fixed mindset in a prior article (see my article: <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2024/01/what-is-growth-mindset-vs-fixed-mindset.html">What is a Growth Mindset vs a Fixed Mindset?</a>).</span><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjC6gvy6GllHRoNlyFQ_huUUwhNq2VxHuBh2Qe2P_8-ur7abGLQy-N0tr_syYDrT-Dx7YlN8y4zEDYZNx9rhC95JeMhxnZ7gxW6AnGFi-2D-JqBIAcvY4e4-Akhc8ve1GTQL8WhiaMaXHaJdKOPF23Pzw7LBt_xKC7EbRRIk6Hn1zPywQDA7j0eco49i2U/s7777/shutterstock_2191140163%20(1).jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><img border="0" data-original-height="5399" data-original-width="7777" height="278" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjC6gvy6GllHRoNlyFQ_huUUwhNq2VxHuBh2Qe2P_8-ur7abGLQy-N0tr_syYDrT-Dx7YlN8y4zEDYZNx9rhC95JeMhxnZ7gxW6AnGFi-2D-JqBIAcvY4e4-Akhc8ve1GTQL8WhiaMaXHaJdKOPF23Pzw7LBt_xKC7EbRRIk6Hn1zPywQDA7j0eco49i2U/w400-h278/shutterstock_2191140163%20(1).jpg" width="400" /></span></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-size: medium;">A Growth Mindset Can Improve Your Relationship</span></b></td></tr></tbody></table><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">In the current article I'm focusing on how a growth mindset can improve your relationship.</span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>What's the Difference Between a Fixed Mindset and a Growth Mindset in Relationships?</b></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">People who have a fixed mindset in their relationship believe that change isn't possible. </span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">They believe neither they nor their partner can develop new skills or abilities to improve their relationship.</span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">Since they're prone to a fixed and pessimistic attitude, they often avoid risking change even if it's for the sake of improving their relationship. </span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">They're also prone to giving up more easily when confronted with the need for change. As a result, these relationships often stagnate.</span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">In addition, people with a fixed mindset often do well during the early <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2023/05/romantic-attractions-what-is-limerence.html">honeymoon phase</a> of a relationship when things are going well,<i> but</i> <i>when the going gets tough, they're more likely to give up or cheat</i> (see my article: <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2013/03/the-allure-of-extramarital-affair.html">The Allure of the Extramarital Affair</a>).</span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">This is especially true for people who believe in the idea of "soulmates" where they think relationships are either "meant to be" or not (see my article: <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2021/09/relationships-why-looking-for-soulmate.html">Why You'll Be Disappointed If You Look For a "Soulmate"</a>).</span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">So, when things aren't going well in their relationship, they think the relationship wasn't "meant to be" and, instead of trying to resolve problems <i>within the relationship</i>, they look for emotional and sexual gratification <i>outside the relationship</i>.</span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">People who have a growth mindset see problems as opportunities to develop and grow. Since they believe in the possibility for growth, they're more likely to take emotional risks by being <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2018/10/emotional-vulnerability-as-pathway-to.html">emotionally vulnerable</a> to make positive changes. They're also more likely to persevere to overcome problems.</span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>How Can a Growth Mindset Improve Your Relationship?</b></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><span>If you have a growth mindset, you're more likely to see your partner's and your own shortcomings as challenges to overcome. </span></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><span><br /></span></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><span>As a result, y</span><span>ou can approach shortcomings in a more empathetic way because you believe you and your partner can improve.</span></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><span><br /></span></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiI48-9q2Rw-c6Iendycr3191rly4pHSqnPC-M0DweofGaR7DZTJDQohQ7nB8LqD4mjy1IWgUABA5ztmPAC_mZDd_zTUn58cpMkVjeCLmsLwveLpemdkHHxy54APzXpnltnkdsaMpjohSrr1pDcsgs_K5mKLf5aGNl-lgl5xYlDzuaDv4NdFL3371iX34s/s7360/shutterstock_2129383463.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="4912" data-original-width="7360" height="268" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiI48-9q2Rw-c6Iendycr3191rly4pHSqnPC-M0DweofGaR7DZTJDQohQ7nB8LqD4mjy1IWgUABA5ztmPAC_mZDd_zTUn58cpMkVjeCLmsLwveLpemdkHHxy54APzXpnltnkdsaMpjohSrr1pDcsgs_K5mKLf5aGNl-lgl5xYlDzuaDv4NdFL3371iX34s/w400-h268/shutterstock_2129383463.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b><span>A Growth Mindset Can Improve Your Relationship</span></b></td></tr></tbody></table></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">If you have a willingness to develop and grow, you can deepen your understanding and trust in your partner due to your belief that things can change for the better in your relationship.</span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">A positive mindset can also help you to be more proactive in overcoming challenges. This allows you to approach problems in a more collaborative way with your partner because you see yourselves as a team.</span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">With a growth mindset you can also experience more compassion for yourself and your partner during challenging times.</span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">In addition, you can experience gratitude and appreciation for your partner, which can help you to get through difficult times together.</span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>How Can a Sexual Growth Mindset Improve Your Sex Between You and Your Partner?</b></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">The <i>#1 reason</i> why people seek help in <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2022/10/what-is-sex-therapy.html">sex therapy</a> is a <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2022/05/overcoming-problems-with-sexual-desire.html">sexual desire discrepancy</a> in their relationship.</span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi-a609sesYg3iCifl4EkgLyc5IXdN_pLaVjhpUAz5yIS2hxodzlIV7uAy-9up6dHNa7q4RKfQ53wesCk85KX7zRORTJtMy2UEFgPrXWZRCAVMmcPzGOlw8EgeUASX5KiVh-okLQ5OufR33JzNCZJ2pC3V4913srp3SKSUUUSSjMU52Z0bpbOb8psZiG8g/s7360/shutterstock_2305704817.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><img border="0" data-original-height="4912" data-original-width="7360" height="268" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi-a609sesYg3iCifl4EkgLyc5IXdN_pLaVjhpUAz5yIS2hxodzlIV7uAy-9up6dHNa7q4RKfQ53wesCk85KX7zRORTJtMy2UEFgPrXWZRCAVMmcPzGOlw8EgeUASX5KiVh-okLQ5OufR33JzNCZJ2pC3V4913srp3SKSUUUSSjMU52Z0bpbOb8psZiG8g/w400-h268/shutterstock_2305704817.jpg" width="400" /></span></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-size: medium;">The #1 Sexual Problem in Relationships: Desire Discrepancy</span></b></td></tr></tbody></table><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">It's not unusual for people in long term relationships to develop stagnant <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2021/04/relationships-understanding-your-sex.html">sex scripts</a> where they no longer enjoy sex (see my article: <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2021/05/changing-your-sex-script-beginning.html">How to Change Your Sex Script</a>).</span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><i>Familiarity</i> often helps people to feel comfortable with each other <i>on an emotional level</i>, but it can also <i>create stagnation in the bedroom</i>. </span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">When stagnation sets in and the couple engages in the same sexual activities without any deviation, <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2021/07/sexual-wellness-what-is-sexual-boredom.html">sex becomes routine and boring</a>.</span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">In addition, if one person wants more sex than the other or wants to engage in different sexual activities than their partner, as in the case with sexual desire discrepancy, the person who wants more sex often stops initiating because they fear getting rejected by their partner (see my article: <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2023/04/relationships-coping-with-sexual.html">Coping With Sexual Rejection From Your Partner</a>).</span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">Some partners are especially sensitive to sexual rejection and rejection becomes that much more painful if the couple is having less sex with few opportunities to repair this problem.</span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><span>When both people have a sexual growth mindset, they're open to being more sexually adventurous by expanding their sexual repertoire.</span><span> </span></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">They're also less sensitive to sexual rejection because they know there will be other opportunities for sexual pleasure and novelty.</span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi9z5blHBjlIX95XLAavD4KVwSU9-9BKdFFhuD2_s9O1AEkdcl5_FjI2sJ7beViWpod1tReJl_umcWrjB6FM0n9PQNGiOBKXMK-pYsMgkWgIIYCaTtVPi_9Hd_YL-4kiHYhQ7hOP2rSemnRbjHsVGedpxmPoXdBO6EZa1hiT_0CekzlFbpsB4GMhe5rsYg/s5472/shutterstock_1295025130.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><img border="0" data-original-height="3648" data-original-width="5472" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi9z5blHBjlIX95XLAavD4KVwSU9-9BKdFFhuD2_s9O1AEkdcl5_FjI2sJ7beViWpod1tReJl_umcWrjB6FM0n9PQNGiOBKXMK-pYsMgkWgIIYCaTtVPi_9Hd_YL-4kiHYhQ7hOP2rSemnRbjHsVGedpxmPoXdBO6EZa1hiT_0CekzlFbpsB4GMhe5rsYg/w400-h266/shutterstock_1295025130.jpg" width="400" /></span></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-size: medium;">A Sexual Growth Mindset Can Improve Your Sex Life</span></b></td></tr></tbody></table></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">Even when sexual problems arise, a couple who has a sexual growth mindset believe they can develop the necessary skills and abilities to overcome their problems. </span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">They're more likely to persevere in overcoming their relational and sexual problems--whether they do this on their own or with the help of a <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2022/10/what-is-sex-therapy.html">sex therapist</a>.</span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>Getting Help in Therapy</b></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">If you and your partner have been unable to resolve problems on your own, you could benefit from seeking help from a licensed mental health professional who is a <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2018/07/what-is-emotionally-focused-couple.html">couples therapist</a>.</span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">If you're having sexual problems, a <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2022/10/what-is-sex-therapy.html">sex therapist</a> can help you to improve your sex life.</span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy (see my article: <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2022/10/what-is-sex-therapy.html">What is Sex Therapy?</a>).</span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgQ86UNnlkLryyaq2Ag43PeQfljajecG5KkQtTBbWnsD5XTueTYrW1TxhdLk1y7T25Xj8TqCXIidAiNm0MlqHiQeNjMWXMVQE2UCMGpbS9Qoo7RBkyhzGtldQbHTeEYjHRTm7exydMX3KXdWCrLQkCRfR-rvnYkaVGGGyG_ahBhsM6ErpsFakFoc5d47no/s5842/shutterstock_1814209718.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><img border="0" data-original-height="3840" data-original-width="5842" height="263" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgQ86UNnlkLryyaq2Ag43PeQfljajecG5KkQtTBbWnsD5XTueTYrW1TxhdLk1y7T25Xj8TqCXIidAiNm0MlqHiQeNjMWXMVQE2UCMGpbS9Qoo7RBkyhzGtldQbHTeEYjHRTm7exydMX3KXdWCrLQkCRfR-rvnYkaVGGGyG_ahBhsM6ErpsFakFoc5d47no/w400-h263/shutterstock_1814209718.jpg" width="400" /></span></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-size: medium;">Getting Help in Therapy</span></b></td></tr></tbody></table><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">There is no nudity, physical exams or sexual activity during sex therapy sessions (see my article: <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2022/12/what-are-most-common-misconceptions.html">What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?</a>).</span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">Individual adults and couples seek help in sex therapy for a variety of reasons (see my article: <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2022/12/what-are-most-common-issues-discussed.html">What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?</a>).</span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">Rather than struggling with relational or sexual problems on your own, seek help from a skilled therapist with an expertise in your problem so you and your partner can have a more fulfilling life together.</span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>About Me</b></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2022/10/what-is-sex-therapy.html">Sex Therapist</a>.</b></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><b><br /></b></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>I am a <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2022/03/what-does-sex-positive-mean.html">sex-positive</a> therapist who works with individual adults and couples.</b></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><b><br /></b></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>To find out more about me, see my website: <a href="https://josephineferrarotherapy.com">Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist</a>.</b></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><b><br /></b></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or <a href="mailto:josephineferraro@iCloud.com">email me</a>.</b></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><b><br /></b></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div></div><div class="blogger-post-footer">Disclaimer: The postings on this blog are not meant to take the place of obtaining professional mental health services.</div>Josephine Ferraro, LCSWhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00594256291815008994noreply@blogger.comNew York, NY, USA40.7127753 -74.005972812.402541463821152 -109.1622228 69.023009136178842 -38.849722799999995tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6299184761490320524.post-75674392027507709512024-01-28T21:42:00.011-05:002024-02-08T15:22:45.646-05:00What is a Growth Mindset vs a Fixed Mindset?<div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">How we think about ourselves and the world around us, including whether we think in terms of a growth mindset or a fixed mindset, affects every area of our lives.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>The Difference Between a Growth Mindset and a Fixed Mindset</b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">People with a growth mindset see abilities and talents as learnable and capable of improvement over time.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhRDFATOmsNhLmx7H8RTiQHsMGYhma6msFGPIxzvaYEDUdVFvS-PKmWpcpwwSG-uzQVursLF7qcc7CdIIwkw1rNfdUM2kKTy_M-NfA1VfCsXZS-eB48pY-kZ1zjZ5oYERQ3fEqKQTEcJXRQ383qokTHZqqjobEshTm1x3Gs3Pc5flsziu0eptO4GwD3YYc/s5616/shutterstock_1412378798.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><img border="0" data-original-height="3744" data-original-width="5616" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhRDFATOmsNhLmx7H8RTiQHsMGYhma6msFGPIxzvaYEDUdVFvS-PKmWpcpwwSG-uzQVursLF7qcc7CdIIwkw1rNfdUM2kKTy_M-NfA1VfCsXZS-eB48pY-kZ1zjZ5oYERQ3fEqKQTEcJXRQ383qokTHZqqjobEshTm1x3Gs3Pc5flsziu0eptO4GwD3YYc/w400-h266/shutterstock_1412378798.jpg" width="400" /></span></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-size: medium;">The Difference Between a Growth Mindset and a Fixed Mindset</span></b></td></tr></tbody></table></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">People who have a fixed mindset see these same qualities as stable and unchangeable over time. </span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Someone with a fixed mindset who is considering becoming a business owner wouldn't believe they could develop the necessary skills and abilities they don't currently have. </span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">They would tell themselves, "I never had good business skills and that won't change, so there's no point in even trying."</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Someone with a growth mindset who is considering the same endeavor would believe they could develop the necessary skills and abilities. </span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">They would tell themselves, "Even though I don't have business skills right now, I can learn and develop those skills over time so I can accomplish my dream."</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>A Growth vs a Fixed Mindset in Life</b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">We used to think the brain stopped developing in childhood, but now we know the brain continues to evolve throughout the course of life so it's possible to grow new neural networks by having new experiences, learning new skills and expanding our knowledge. </span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhDnnLjUC9IfP3EQnoAm1esgDfH1WebB-Q_4nr57EfajFAZu0aAEpT7p-xXjWoI6qr5oJCg2u7qkVKn2k4ZBM3Wt1rgsHnKvKQK7upSoblPoEt_KJJkYMZrwX7Gjd8ODbLxmkNb6BUa-BfP8EjhGDkH1DUkHfSenoGNzY_azYkAR1qB953k6ZgGRjBLn3w/s4000/shutterstock_315896564.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2400" data-original-width="4000" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhDnnLjUC9IfP3EQnoAm1esgDfH1WebB-Q_4nr57EfajFAZu0aAEpT7p-xXjWoI6qr5oJCg2u7qkVKn2k4ZBM3Wt1rgsHnKvKQK7upSoblPoEt_KJJkYMZrwX7Gjd8ODbLxmkNb6BUa-BfP8EjhGDkH1DUkHfSenoGNzY_azYkAR1qB953k6ZgGRjBLn3w/w400-h240/shutterstock_315896564.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-size: medium;">The Brain Can Evolve Throughout the Course of Life</span></b></td></tr></tbody></table></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Someone with a fixed mindset believes whatever they have developed already can't be expanded, but someone with a growth mindset believes there can be expansion through effort and learning throughout life.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>What Are the Qualities of a Growth Mindset?</b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">People with a growth mindset</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;">Believe their intelligence, talents and abilities can expand and improve by taking relevant action and making an effort </span></li></ul><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;">Believe in <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2017/12/striving-to-be-lifelong-learner.html">lifelong learning</a></span></li></ul><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;">Believe they can achieve mastery</span></li></ul><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;">View constructive feedback as a learning experience and a source of information</span></li></ul><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;">Accept challenges</span></li></ul><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;">Believe setbacks are a temporary phase before achieving their <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2014/05/achieving-your-goals-using-mind-body.html?m=1">goals</a></span></li></ul><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;">Become motivated and inspired by others' success</span></li></ul><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>What Are the Qualities of a Fixed Mindset?</b></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><span>People with a fixed mindset</span><br /></span><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;">Believe personal traits don't change no matter how much effort is applied</span></li></ul><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;">Believe intelligence, abilities and talents are static and don't change</span></li></ul><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;">Believe making an effort to change intelligence and abilities is a waste of time</span></li></ul><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;">View constructive feedback as personal criticism and they often become defensive</span></li></ul><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;">Avoid challenges to avoid the possibility of failure</span></li></ul><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;">Hide the areas they need to improve because they're afraid they will be criticized</span></li></ul><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;">Give up on their goals relatively easily</span></li></ul></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><b><br /></b></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>What are the Advantages of a Growth Mindset?</b></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">People who have a growth mindset </span></div><div><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;">Experiment and try new things</span></li></ul><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;">Develop a sense of determination</span></li></ul><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;">Correct their mistakes along the way instead of seeing them as obstacles</span></li></ul><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;"><a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2017/12/5-tips-for-bouncing-back-from-routine.html">Bounce back</a> from <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2010/09/overcoming-your-fear-of-making-mistakes.html">mistakes</a></span></li></ul><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;">View challenges as opportunities</span></li></ul><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;">Try new learning strategies</span></li></ul><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;">Allow their accomplishments to speak for themselves rather than seeking approval from others</span></li></ul><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;">Enjoy the learning process</span></li></ul><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;">Utilize constructive criticism as a way to learn and grow</span></li></ul><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;">Allow themselves to feel proud of their accomplishments</span></li></ul></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><b><br /></b></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>Next Article</b>: <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2024/02/how-can-growth-mindset-improve-your.html"><b>How Can a Growth Mindset Improve Your Relationship?</b></a></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><b><br /></b></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>About Me</b></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2022/10/what-is-sex-therapy.html">Sex Therapist</a>.</b></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><b><br /></b></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>I work with individual adults and couples.</b></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><b><br /></b></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>To find out more about me, visit my website: <a href="https://josephineferrarotherapy.com">Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist</a>.</b></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><b><br /></b></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or <a href="mailto:josephineferraro@iCloud.com">email me</a>.</b></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><b><br /></b></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div class="blogger-post-footer">Disclaimer: The postings on this blog are not meant to take the place of obtaining professional mental health services.</div>Josephine Ferraro, LCSWhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00594256291815008994noreply@blogger.comNew York, NY, USA40.7127753 -74.005972812.402541463821152 -109.1622228 69.023009136178842 -38.849722799999995tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6299184761490320524.post-53809525285850813112024-01-26T17:31:00.001-05:002024-01-26T17:31:04.391-05:00The Mind-Body Connection: What is Somatic Awareness?<div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Somatic awareness is a focused attention and interpretation of the sensations, emotions and physiological states of the body.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgKCW77r8l1U9lNJLtCyoWCYtrUzF7KAP5UhDze8ykE0pdCWdn2p_sKGdmCJOHVESgD5m9BQZRfXqSQA2BHqM7XiyQJx-heMLnOSG8p90pphX4-nC65oLhCqze27CqGpC0GJhcnqTRVF27vi0QKffGx3FXnfLoBK4s4cuefEC756qrWEbMdJAbgElJ-SH4/s4608/shutterstock_1894361470.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><img border="0" data-original-height="3456" data-original-width="4608" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgKCW77r8l1U9lNJLtCyoWCYtrUzF7KAP5UhDze8ykE0pdCWdn2p_sKGdmCJOHVESgD5m9BQZRfXqSQA2BHqM7XiyQJx-heMLnOSG8p90pphX4-nC65oLhCqze27CqGpC0GJhcnqTRVF27vi0QKffGx3FXnfLoBK4s4cuefEC756qrWEbMdJAbgElJ-SH4/w400-h300/shutterstock_1894361470.jpg" width="400" /></span></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-size: medium;">Somatic Awareness and the Mind-Body Connection</span></b></td></tr></tbody></table></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Somatic awareness is essential to understanding the mind-body connection, especially in <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2018/06/experiential-therapy-learning-to-sense.html">Experiential Therapies</a> like: </span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;"><a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2015/02/psychotherapy-blog-how-emdr-works-part.html">EMDR</a> (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing)</span></li></ul></div><div style="text-align: left;"><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;"><a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2022/11/trauma-therapy-benefits-of-somatic.html">Somatic Experiencing</a></span></li></ul></div><div style="text-align: left;"><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;"><a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2020/08/what-is-accelerated-experiential.html">AEDP</a> (Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy)</span></li></ul><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;"><a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2021/04/how-parts-work-therapy-helps-to-empower.html">Ego States Therapy</a></span></li></ul></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">as well as other mind-body oriented therapy modalities.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>What Are the Benefits of Somatic Awareness?</b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Being able to identify what is going in terms of the connection between what's happening between the mind and the body can help you to understand what you're experiencing in a more integrated way.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>How is Somatic Awareness Used in Trauma Therapy?</b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Somatic awareness can also help you to recognize how trauma gets stuck in your nervous system when you're doing <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2020/04/what-is-trauma-therapist_27.html">trauma therapy</a>.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">For instance, a trauma therapist will often ask the client to slow down to become aware of their emotions and where they feel these emotions in the body. </span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">This provides a deeper understanding of the client's experience for the client and the therapist.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>What Are Techniques Used in Trauma Therapy to Help Clients Develop Somatic Awareness?</b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Here are some of the techniques that trauma therapists use during trauma therapy:</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;"><span><b>Grounding</b>: This technique helps clients to stay in the present moment, which is helpful when doing trauma therapy. </span>There are many different types of <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2018/03/trauma-therapy-using-grounding.html">grounding techniques</a>:</span></li></ul><ul style="text-align: left;"><ul><li><span style="font-size: medium;">Feeling your feet on the floor</span></li></ul></ul><ul style="text-align: left;"><ul><li><span style="font-size: medium;">Bringing awareness to other parts of your body</span></li></ul></ul><ul style="text-align: left;"><ul><li><span style="font-size: medium;">Running water over your hand</span></li></ul></ul><ul style="text-align: left;"><ul><li><span style="font-size: medium;">Tensing and relaxing your hands</span></li></ul></ul><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>Visualizations</b>: Visualizations help clients to calm themselves by picturing soothing images. For instance, clients can focus on a <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2009/06/wellness-safe-place-meditation.html">safe or relaxing place</a> to help them to regulate their emotions. The place can be either real or imagined. So, a client can picture a place where they have been in the past, like a beach. They can also imagine a place they create in their mind. As they're experiencing the calming effects of the visualization, they notice where they feel this sense of calmness in their body as well as the emotions it brings up for them (see my article: <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2009/09/using-your-imagination-as-powerful-tool.html">Using Your Imagination as a Powerful Tool For Change</a>).</span></li></ul><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>Body Scans</b>: The <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2020/04/doing-body-scan-meditation-to-sense-and.html">Body Scan Meditation</a> is a technique where clients slowly sense into their body starting from the crown of their head down to the tips of their toes to sense what sensations they're experiencing. This meditation helps clients to regulate their internal state.</span></li></ul><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>Breath Work</b>: There are many different types of breathing exercises, like <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2009/08/learning-to-relax-square-breathing.html">Square Breathing</a>, which help increase clients' awareness of their emotions, physiological state and sensations in their body.</span></li></ul></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>Conclusion</b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Somatic awareness is essential to understanding the mind-body connection. </span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">It is also an important part of Experiential Therapy for overcome trauma (see my article: <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2018/02/why-experiential-psychotherapy-is-more.html">Why is Experiential Therapy More Effective Than Talk Therapy to Overcome Trauma?</a>).</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Before processing trauma, trauma therapists provide clients with <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2017/12/why-its-important-for-psychotherapists.html">psychoeducation</a> on how to do these various techniques as well as why they're important in trauma therapy.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Aside from processing trauma, somatic awareness is also effective in helping clients with <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2022/05/self-help-tips-for-coping-with-anxiety.html">anxiety</a>, <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2017/12/looking-happy-on-outside-but-feeling.html">depression</a> and other psychological challenges.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Aside from how somatic awareness can be learned in Experiential Therapy, it can also be learned in other mind-body modalities like <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2011/01/mind-body-connection-can-yoga-improve.html">yoga</a> and <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2010/12/mind-body-connection-calming-mind.html">mindfulness meditation</a>.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>Getting Help in Therapy</b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">If you have been struggling on your own to overcome unresolved trauma, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who is a trauma therapist.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Overcome unresolved trauma can help you to live a more meaning life.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>About Me</b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2022/10/what-is-sex-therapy.html">Sex Therapist</a>.</b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b><br /></b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>I have worked with many individual adults and couples to help them overcome unresolved trauma (see my article: <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2020/04/what-is-trauma-therapist_27.html">What is a Trauma Therapist?</a>).</b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b><br /></b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>To find out more about me, visit my website: <a href="https://josephineferrarotherapy.com">Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist</a>.</b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b><br /></b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or <a href="mailto:josephineferraro@iCloud.com">email me</a>.</b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div class="blogger-post-footer">Disclaimer: The postings on this blog are not meant to take the place of obtaining professional mental health services.</div>Josephine Ferraro, LCSWhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00594256291815008994noreply@blogger.comNew York, NY, USA40.7127753 -74.005972812.402541463821152 -109.1622228 69.023009136178842 -38.849722799999995tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6299184761490320524.post-70723280943614465062024-01-25T21:38:00.021-05:002024-03-03T14:45:02.833-05:00How to Keep the Momentum Going in Your Therapy<div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">In my last article, <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2024/01/4-reasons-why-attending-sessions.html">4 Reasons Why Attending Sessions Consistently is Important For Your Progress in Therapy</a>, I focused on why consistency is essential to success in therapy. </span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">I mentioned that motivation to change is what brings people into therapy and keeping the momentum going is how people make changes.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjcJ4MkRpMzdkmvAxVRCBizBBSOfsx-uwVD6tT_u9m5BfVzk68zAYr_NJOtqY9o5a1MKP4nQne4X_OwAHqdr-s9ZQcD-_YW13P1k2aRuiGqdKA6yJ2WIEdWJ1ZLJNQyu3kccmcb7Le46X4hOhfAyW3uI5nVwFibjt7tVz2yGzsJfr-b60nUuNjQdcaylug/s5760/shutterstock_1107423758%20(2).jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="3846" data-original-width="5760" height="268" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjcJ4MkRpMzdkmvAxVRCBizBBSOfsx-uwVD6tT_u9m5BfVzk68zAYr_NJOtqY9o5a1MKP4nQne4X_OwAHqdr-s9ZQcD-_YW13P1k2aRuiGqdKA6yJ2WIEdWJ1ZLJNQyu3kccmcb7Le46X4hOhfAyW3uI5nVwFibjt7tVz2yGzsJfr-b60nUuNjQdcaylug/w400-h268/shutterstock_1107423758%20(2).jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-size: medium;">Keeping Up the Momentum in Therapy</span></b></td></tr></tbody></table></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>What is Momentum?</b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines momentum as the strength or force gained by motion or by a series of events.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">A common example of momentum is the snowball effect, which refers to the effect of events building on each other as a result of momentum. </span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>What is Psychological Momentum?</b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Researchers who study psychological momentum describe it as a <i>perceptual force</i> that changes human behavior and performance.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Psychological momentum is linked to the concept that "Success breeds success." </span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhb3GOdoWChfI28pHXelmbE1Gz6dCnNWNZbbqKgFkkZkymJP-L12JxawvVpl_HyLGLVpafL4QreVcxDezdoWvhyphenhyphenFrFnWWhjOHNlqkIJZL1b__qz9MwWGKZKtpjw4-_LPfFYBTWulp_JtoGeLbU5rTBvCv95lCRI7ws72ZaXxpNKdQUOonUERwwV-GpZ5Ko/s6568/shutterstock_2093054728%20(1).jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="4378" data-original-width="6568" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhb3GOdoWChfI28pHXelmbE1Gz6dCnNWNZbbqKgFkkZkymJP-L12JxawvVpl_HyLGLVpafL4QreVcxDezdoWvhyphenhyphenFrFnWWhjOHNlqkIJZL1b__qz9MwWGKZKtpjw4-_LPfFYBTWulp_JtoGeLbU5rTBvCv95lCRI7ws72ZaXxpNKdQUOonUERwwV-GpZ5Ko/w400-h266/shutterstock_2093054728%20(1).jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-size: medium;">Keeping Up the Momentum in Therapy</span></b></td></tr></tbody></table><b><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></b></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">The concept of psychological momentum is often discussed in sports when a team is on a "winning streak." </span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Winning gives the team the mental and physical power to keep going. While they're winning, they gain confidence and feel unstoppable.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">In politics, psychological momentum often occurs when a candidate wins a string of political races, gains confidence and the perception that victory is inevitable.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>What is Psychological Momentum in Psychotherapy?</b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>Clinical Vignettes</b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">The two examples below are both composites of many different cases. </span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">The first case shows how inconsistency and lack of motivation has a negative impact on therapy and the client's goals.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">The second case shows how consistency and motivation leads to psychological momentum which enables the client to be successful in achieving his goals.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>Jim</b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">In an effort to overcome <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2010/01/developing-self-esteem-and-sense-of.html">low self esteem</a>, Jim began weekly therapy. After a few sessions, he started cancelling appointments even though he had to pay for the cancellations. When his therapist told him it was important to come consistently to make progress in therapy, Jim <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2018/05/why-ghosting-your-psychotherapist-is.html">ghosted his therapist</a>. He didn't respond to her outreach. After a few months, he started therapy with a different therapist and repeated the same pattern. When his friend, Joe, asked Jim how therapy was going, Jim told him that he thought therapy didn't work. </span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>Joe</b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">When he heard his friend, Jim, say that therapy didn't work, Joe was surprised. He told Jim that he had been going to therapy consistently for a year and he felt he was making progress in learning how to be <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2009/09/assertiveness-learning-to-say-no.html">assertive</a>. He also told Jim that, at first, he had his doubts as to whether he would ever learn to assert himself but, over time, his therapy gained momentum and he was happy with the progress he was making. </span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>Conclusion</b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">To experience psychological momentum in therapy, it's important to be motivated and consistent.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Many people start therapy with good intentions and then become discouraged when they have to put in an effort to make changes and they leave therapy prematurely (see my article: <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2010/04/when-clients-leave-psychotherapy.html">Why Do People Leave Therapy Prematurely?</a>).</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Eventually, many of those people <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2009/10/returning-to-therapy.html">return to therapy</a> because trying to cope with their unresolved problems is much harder than doing the work in therapy.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>Getting Help in Therapy</b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">If you have been struggling with unresolved problems on your own, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">If you're motivated and consistent in therapy, a skilled psychotherapist can help you to build momentum to overcome the obstacles that are keeping you from reaching your goals. </span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Motivation, consistency and a willingness to do the work in therapy often leads to psychological momentum and a <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2009/10/creating-positive-rippling-effect.html">positive ripple effect</a> in other areas of your life.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">So rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed psychotherapist.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>About Me</b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2022/10/what-is-sex-therapy.html">Sex Therapist</a>.</b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b><br /></b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>I have helped many individual adults and couples to overcome their problems, including unresolved trauma (see my article: <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2020/04/what-is-trauma-therapist_27.html">What is a Trauma Therapist?</a>).</b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b><br /></b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>To find out more about me, visit my website: <a href="https://josephineferrarotherapy.com">Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist</a>.</b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b><br /></b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or <a href="http://josephineferrarotherapy.com">email me</a>.</b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b><br /></b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div><div class="blogger-post-footer">Disclaimer: The postings on this blog are not meant to take the place of obtaining professional mental health services.</div>Josephine Ferraro, LCSWhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00594256291815008994noreply@blogger.comNew York, NY, USA40.7127753 -74.005972812.402541463821152 -109.1622228 69.023009136178842 -38.849722799999995tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6299184761490320524.post-18324188495811974072024-01-24T13:19:00.010-05:002024-01-24T13:28:11.208-05:004 Reasons Why Attending Sessions Consistently is Important For Your Progress in Therapy<div style="text-align: left;"><div><span style="font-size: medium;">Many clients ask at the start of therapy how often they need to attend therapy. </span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">Since most of us have busy lives, this is a legitimate question. </span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjJXiHB4uEIQ8iM7ZCfYzXmfB2dY5ZHaVLMVIN6hLsrOla4fk7nxvnCcY3Oz86fsR_jcL4M1El515tBJz5Klk0GfkadVmmN359b-G1JQERZupJYvpRL2LLlHQxRPdio-xfeRTE2SpHPOpKfuzRUHciYZi97s_AlrqtCcerVMECT9SciK013leCsRqFvA2c/s3840/shutterstock_1204439644%20(6).jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2160" data-original-width="3840" height="225" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjJXiHB4uEIQ8iM7ZCfYzXmfB2dY5ZHaVLMVIN6hLsrOla4fk7nxvnCcY3Oz86fsR_jcL4M1El515tBJz5Klk0GfkadVmmN359b-G1JQERZupJYvpRL2LLlHQxRPdio-xfeRTE2SpHPOpKfuzRUHciYZi97s_AlrqtCcerVMECT9SciK013leCsRqFvA2c/w400-h225/shutterstock_1204439644%20(6).jpg" width="400" /></span></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-size: medium;">Consistency is Important For Progress in Therapy</span></b></td></tr></tbody></table><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><span>It's also common for people to feel anxious and ambivalent at the start of therapy</span><span> (see my article: </span><a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2010/02/starting-psychotherapy-its-not-unusual.html">It's Not Unusual to Feel Anxious and Ambivalent at the Start of Therapy</a><span>).</span></span></div></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><a href="https://bmcpsychiatry.biomedcentral.com/articles/10.1186/s12888-019-2214-4#citeas">Research</a> indicates that attending therapy sessions on a <i>weekly basis</i> is essential to make progress in therapy.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">The importance of attending weekly sessions is something I discuss with clients at the start of therapy because it's important for clients to know that therapy is a big commitment and the reasons why weekly sessions are essential.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>4 Reasons Why Being Consistent is Important For Your Progress in Therapy</b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>Building Trust and a Connection With Your Therapist</b>: Establishing trust in your therapist is essential to a successful therapy. Building trust doesn't happen immediately, especially if you have unresolved trauma from childhood and <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2023/11/how-can-you-trust-your-therapist-when.html">you couldn't trust your family due to trauma</a>. It takes time for you and your therapist to build trust and a therapeutic connection. Weekly sessions also allows your therapist to create a <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2012/08/the-creation-of-holding-environment-in.html">holding environment</a> to create the emotional safety you need to open up in therapy (see my article: <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2018/06/trauma-therapy-why-establishing-safety.html">Why Establishing Safety For Clients is So Important in Therapy</a>).</span></li></ul><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span><div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj7_TT_jAgWEa0l5O-waQWGAjia8cbv7IYxH_L4V-7ZM6qadTY_vU2UCabWrJJ4ezGKJ0NHAKARlvUxZQkrMllPIaj9sLskirzvTB-r79ZHsLVCKzKsXlzwzl_DfROScvrNtIaAhZ1MLY2i-vFJ3C9xFa0X2Euz8mUnuILPs405P3DR8Ra6e1oxjHmwLss/s6568/shutterstock_2093054728.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><img border="0" data-original-height="4378" data-original-width="6568" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj7_TT_jAgWEa0l5O-waQWGAjia8cbv7IYxH_L4V-7ZM6qadTY_vU2UCabWrJJ4ezGKJ0NHAKARlvUxZQkrMllPIaj9sLskirzvTB-r79ZHsLVCKzKsXlzwzl_DfROScvrNtIaAhZ1MLY2i-vFJ3C9xFa0X2Euz8mUnuILPs405P3DR8Ra6e1oxjHmwLss/w400-h266/shutterstock_2093054728.jpg" width="400" /></span></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-size: medium;">Consistency is Important For Progress in Therapy</span></b></td></tr></tbody></table><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>Developing Internal Resources to Work on Problems</b>: Most therapists, especially <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2020/04/what-is-trauma-therapist_27.html">trauma therapists</a>, help clients to develop the necessary tools needed to work on unresolved problems. This is called resourcing. During weekly sessions, your therapist can help you develop the necessary internal resources before you delve into trauma work. Weekly sessions also allows you and your therapist to discuss which resources are working best for you. If you skip sessions, you're delaying the resource process which also delays working on your problems (see my article: <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2009/10/psychotherapy-developing-internal.html">Developing Internal Resources and Coping Skills in Therapy</a>).</span></li></ul><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>Keeping Momentum Going</b>: <i>Motivation</i> to change is what brings most people into therapy. <i>Momentum</i> in therapy is how you make changes (see my article: <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2009/09/making-changes-developing-internal.html">Developing Internal Motivation to Change</a>).</span></li></ul><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>Accountability</b>: Usually goals are set at the beginning of therapy and you and your therapist talk about how you're progressing in terms of what you want to accomplish in therapy. It's easier to track your progress if you're coming weekly than if you skip appointments. Cancelled sessions often leads to a decrease in motivation and a reduced sense of accountability. This is one of the reasons why most therapists have a cancellation policy.</span></li></ul><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /><span><b>Getting Help in Therapy</b></span></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Are you considering therapy?</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Before I meet with clients for an initial appointment, I talk to them on the phone for 10-15 minutes to get an idea of what they want to work on and whether I have the expertise to help them. There is no charge for this brief talk on the phone.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">After that, if clients want to set up an initial appointment, I schedule an appointment for them either in person or online. </span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">During the first appointment, they can see whether they feel comfortable with me to continue coming for weekly sessions.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Working on your issues in therapy provides you with an opportunity to overcome the obstacles that stand in your way from having the life you want.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>About Me</b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2022/10/what-is-sex-therapy.html">Sex Therapist</a>.</b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b><br /></b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><span><b>With over 25 years of experience, I have helped many individual adults and couples to achieve their goals </b></span><b>(see my article: <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2020/04/what-is-trauma-therapist_27.html">What is a Trauma Therapist?</a>).</b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b><br /></b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>To find out more about me, visit my website: <a href="https://josephineferrarotherapy.com">Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist</a>.</b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b><br /></b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or <a href="mailto:josephineferraro@iCloud.com">email me</a>.</b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div class="blogger-post-footer">Disclaimer: The postings on this blog are not meant to take the place of obtaining professional mental health services.</div>Josephine Ferraro, LCSWhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00594256291815008994noreply@blogger.comNew York, NY, USA40.7127753 -74.005972812.402541463821152 -109.1622228 69.023009136178842 -38.849722799999995tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6299184761490320524.post-10342909413502969792024-01-23T20:31:00.001-05:002024-01-23T20:31:16.832-05:00Tips on How to Improve Your Sleep<div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Good sleep is essential to your health, mental health and overall well being. </span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiMuEiiiN0kjmlavzqWEwNiN_OurRpVpb7G8MnC1_R3jyH53pAY9Y1y2Z7cfh4x2c8LA48JbGNd7kwB7Ikjjs_Smo0rGfNg9BTbcy0rQhyphenhyphen0nDQVn_hsopeABzyekq0R6ssyYrPG_2aATzCcTB4NVcoxly_pwNKLmqnmNeZtY1RfYOJkDwCX0FHlYkHofi4/s6720/shutterstock_1765349906.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="4480" data-original-width="6720" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiMuEiiiN0kjmlavzqWEwNiN_OurRpVpb7G8MnC1_R3jyH53pAY9Y1y2Z7cfh4x2c8LA48JbGNd7kwB7Ikjjs_Smo0rGfNg9BTbcy0rQhyphenhyphen0nDQVn_hsopeABzyekq0R6ssyYrPG_2aATzCcTB4NVcoxly_pwNKLmqnmNeZtY1RfYOJkDwCX0FHlYkHofi4/w400-h266/shutterstock_1765349906.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-size: medium;">How to Improve Your Sleep</span></b></td></tr></tbody></table></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Generally, adults need 7-9 hours of sleep per night. If you're getting less than that, you might have insomnia.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>What is Insomnia?</b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Insomnia is a sleep-wake disorder which has three primary symptoms:</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>Problems Falling Asleep </b>(Onset Insomnia): An inability to fall asleep within 20-30 minutes</span></li></ul><div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhOnN4tAmLGQLEOM9ZE0NOJgz9ekAo8m4D7icn8JcepUrnZMjBi_WzOxLTnN-ZcVzWp_Fou6LkE1iQoeO0OEpk6hiFZY3eejmZYs37fdNtsQXUFDoOyIvmhv1XICqWgdg4RC8ipf-e01Hiwdll56dajQnummzHhqGWN8ogbXOuRNpGcM3xqrtQR_-ClVts/s5230/shutterstock_1419779672.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="3761" data-original-width="5230" height="288" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhOnN4tAmLGQLEOM9ZE0NOJgz9ekAo8m4D7icn8JcepUrnZMjBi_WzOxLTnN-ZcVzWp_Fou6LkE1iQoeO0OEpk6hiFZY3eejmZYs37fdNtsQXUFDoOyIvmhv1XICqWgdg4RC8ipf-e01Hiwdll56dajQnummzHhqGWN8ogbXOuRNpGcM3xqrtQR_-ClVts/w400-h288/shutterstock_1419779672.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-size: medium;">Problems Falling and Staying Asleep</span></b></td></tr></tbody></table><b><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></b></div><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>Problems Staying Asleep</b> (Middle Insomnia): Frequent waking up in the middle of the night after sleep onset, which is more than 20-30 minutes, and difficulty falling back asleep after middle of the night awakening</span></li></ul><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>Early Morning Wakefulness</b> (Late Insomnia): Waking up 30 minutes or more before the desired wake up time and before 6.5 hours of sleep. This often involves an inability to fall back to sleep.</span></li></ul></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">A medical doctor will usually give a diagnosis of insomnia if a patient experiences sleep problems for three nights or more over a period of three months and no other condition is causing the sleep problem. </span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">There are also two different types of insomnia: </span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>Short term insomnia</b>: Lasting at least one month but less than three months</span></li></ul><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>Chronic insomnia</b>: </span></li><ul><li><span style="font-size: medium;"><u>Persistent insomnia</u>: Lasting three months or longer</span></li><li><span style="font-size: medium;"><u>Recurrent insomnia</u>: Two or more episodes within a year</span></li></ul></ul></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>Common Causes of Insomnia</b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">There can be many cases of insomnia, including:</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;"><a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2018/01/whats-difference-between-fear-and.html">Anxiety</a></span></li><li><span style="font-size: medium;">Stress (see my article: <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2016/12/how-do-you-know-when-youre-under-too.html">Are You Experiencing Chronic Stress?</a>)</span></li><li><span style="font-size: medium;"><a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2009/06/what-is-difference-between-sadness-and.html">Depression</a><br /></span></li><li><span style="font-size: medium;">Uncomfortable sleeping conditions (bed, temperature, light)</span></li><li><span style="font-size: medium;">Noise</span></li><li><span style="font-size: medium;">Drug use</span></li><li><span style="font-size: medium;">Alcohol use</span></li><li><span style="font-size: medium;">Caffeine</span></li><li><span style="font-size: medium;">Nicotine</span></li><li><span style="font-size: medium;">Irregular work shifts</span></li></ul></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>Helpful Tips to Overcome Sleep Problems</b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">See your medical doctor to get a diagnosis and rule out any other medical issues that could be causing a sleep problem.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">There are also other things you can do on your own (always check with your medical doctor first before):</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>Exercise</b>: Daily physical activity at an appropriate level for you can release endorphins, which is good for your overall health and can help to improve your sleep.</span></li></ul><div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhmvnShzwTlofwqLFdPqairJ7u9-lASqhM9e2znF96CXFfpfugQk-3zC8Zr_RZnq4grlpQ4fWQAeIVTmYaE7EOw4UUwydJt6fqZtCWzes3NSBdruvMNsL0rJUG5w1QvcOkWdhpCWzx6y51MxH5GdPCHulwjX-Vhbklv9nFSOQHfwP1QV8I-vLZXN3jEutY/s3480/shutterstock_86502877.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2386" data-original-width="3480" height="274" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhmvnShzwTlofwqLFdPqairJ7u9-lASqhM9e2znF96CXFfpfugQk-3zC8Zr_RZnq4grlpQ4fWQAeIVTmYaE7EOw4UUwydJt6fqZtCWzes3NSBdruvMNsL0rJUG5w1QvcOkWdhpCWzx6y51MxH5GdPCHulwjX-Vhbklv9nFSOQHfwP1QV8I-vLZXN3jEutY/w400-h274/shutterstock_86502877.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-size: medium;">Tips to Overcome Sleep Problems</span></b></td></tr></tbody></table></div><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>Practice Sleep Hygiene</b>: Good sleep hygiene habits can help with insomnia, including:</span></li></ul><ul style="text-align: left;"><ul><li><span style="font-size: medium;">Wake up and go to sleep at the same time, even on weekends</span></li></ul></ul><ul style="text-align: left;"><ul><li><span style="font-size: medium;">Make sure the room where you sleep is quiet, dark, relaxing and at a comfortable temperature</span></li></ul></ul><ul style="text-align: left;"><ul><li><span style="font-size: medium;">Remove electronic devices from the bedroom, including the TV, smart phone, computer and other electronic devices</span></li></ul></ul><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>Limit Napping</b>: If you tend to nap during the day, limit it to 30 minutes or less and don't nap later in the afternoon.</span></li><ul><li><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></li></ul><li><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>Use Your Bed Only For Sleep and Sex</b>: Don't do work while you're in bed. You want your bed to be associated only with sleep and sex. </span></li></ul><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>Eat a Healthy Diet</b>: Eat nutritious meals. Avoid alcohol close to bedtime and limit caffeine</span></li></ul><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>Get Help in Therapy</b></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">If you doctor has ruled out medical causes and attributes your sleep problem to psychological issues, like anxiety, depression, unresolved trauma or other psychological issues, seek help from a licensed mental health professional.</span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh5D9BhsyBxgRc0nPgr7fZyMeba723giDeAh-LKdgxEoUTKQrpE7o93TRDSIN9jx1lFzoOo7gl1qZJVjRLmqKfSB2rAbnC_TtZHYU7QhXb2ZP0THJx709B4-K6XxfkIzU3MZm_bhoXC_GzbBVc6bUDX7w-K2xMZKTb-l_ujvsFCDtaZvO932s0IfhHSOII/s5300/shutterstock_1782622595.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="3399" data-original-width="5300" height="256" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh5D9BhsyBxgRc0nPgr7fZyMeba723giDeAh-LKdgxEoUTKQrpE7o93TRDSIN9jx1lFzoOo7gl1qZJVjRLmqKfSB2rAbnC_TtZHYU7QhXb2ZP0THJx709B4-K6XxfkIzU3MZm_bhoXC_GzbBVc6bUDX7w-K2xMZKTb-l_ujvsFCDtaZvO932s0IfhHSOII/w400-h256/shutterstock_1782622595.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-size: medium;">Get Help in Therapy</span></b></td></tr></tbody></table></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">Once medical issues have been ruled out, a skilled psychotherapist can help you to determine the underlying issues that are creating sleep problems and help you to work through these issues.</span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">So, rather than struggling on your own, seek help from your medical doctor and, if the problem is related to mental health issues, seek help from a licensed psychotherapist.</span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>About Me</b></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.</b></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><b><br /></b></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>I have helped many individual adults and couples to overcome mental health issues (see my article: <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2020/04/what-is-trauma-therapist_27.html">What is a Trauma Therapist?</a>).</b></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><b><br /></b></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>To find out more about me, visit my website: <a href="https://josephineferrarotherapy.com">Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist</a>.</b></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><b><br /></b></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or <a href="mailto:josephineferraro@iCloud.com">email me</a>.</b></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div class="blogger-post-footer">Disclaimer: The postings on this blog are not meant to take the place of obtaining professional mental health services.</div>Josephine Ferraro, LCSWhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00594256291815008994noreply@blogger.comNew York, NY, USA40.7127753 -74.005972812.402541463821152 -109.1622228 69.023009136178842 -38.849722799999995tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6299184761490320524.post-10605662122260502952024-01-21T15:39:00.020-05:002024-01-21T16:00:20.016-05:00Coping with Perfectionism in Your Relationship<div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Perfectionism can take its toll on a relationship because it often leads to criticism, conflict and lack of emotional and <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2023/11/to-improve-intimacy-in-your.html">sexual intimacy</a> (see my article: <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2009/07/overcoming-perfectionism.html">Overcoming Perfectionism</a>).</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEivlo7M27ql_hPOREJa9uoQewD1QBs6H_Rd1mJY-dhHzeT7n_4ONGRRIuWfPDPXGb-YRPsm6axXi6L1XriJfBI9Eg8bfKDWHIm5GWtMVsh9AB4LhcWjotyi6-RhqZ8h1rVxvr3mq_YZwjDAGcBxU_9xfx0ympI3F3xKxQar7sZ_kbKa0vdmKJiJNaMSgz0/s6535/shutterstock_1667160103%20(2).jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><img border="0" data-original-height="4357" data-original-width="6535" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEivlo7M27ql_hPOREJa9uoQewD1QBs6H_Rd1mJY-dhHzeT7n_4ONGRRIuWfPDPXGb-YRPsm6axXi6L1XriJfBI9Eg8bfKDWHIm5GWtMVsh9AB4LhcWjotyi6-RhqZ8h1rVxvr3mq_YZwjDAGcBxU_9xfx0ympI3F3xKxQar7sZ_kbKa0vdmKJiJNaMSgz0/w400-h266/shutterstock_1667160103%20(2).jpg" width="400" /></span></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-size: medium;">Coping with Perfectionism in Your Relationship</span></b></td></tr></tbody></table><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><div><span style="font-size: medium;">Just like most other tendencies, perfectionism is on a <i>continuum</i> with some people being more perfectionistic than others. </span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">People who are perfectionists can be harder on themselves than they are on other people. </span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh-yDFGWWG2XEEJmfYWhuSGJgKmtO6RlF0d5eNutH4NXbBsDQBFLqosVeWGhO1Skt5AfECOjOcMNUywnZ0oUPwWaj60gKudu5D7Kuq0oqAj3g2P4LSzjsth67pvPirGympHIQ-BC5D877ztwPk8Ivd8Ejd6BojDJa7I61qmwe_tt4UV2sP5q5bUdFoUp1U/s5616/shutterstock_598786076.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="3744" data-original-width="5616" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh-yDFGWWG2XEEJmfYWhuSGJgKmtO6RlF0d5eNutH4NXbBsDQBFLqosVeWGhO1Skt5AfECOjOcMNUywnZ0oUPwWaj60gKudu5D7Kuq0oqAj3g2P4LSzjsth67pvPirGympHIQ-BC5D877ztwPk8Ivd8Ejd6BojDJa7I61qmwe_tt4UV2sP5q5bUdFoUp1U/w400-h266/shutterstock_598786076.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b><span>Coping with Perfectionism in Your Relationship</span></b></td></tr></tbody></table></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">Nevertheless, it can be challenging to be in relationship with someone who is a perfectionist, so it's helpful to know</span></div><div><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;">The typical signs of perfectionism</span></li><li><span style="font-size: medium;">The cause of perfectionism</span></li><li><span style="font-size: medium;">How to cope in a compassionate way if your partner is a perfectionist</span></li><li><span style="font-size: medium;">When to get help in therapy</span></li></ul></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">I'll be addressing these issues in this article along with a clinical vignette as an illustration.</span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>What Are the Signs of Perfectionism?</b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Some of the following signs can indicate a tendency towards perfectionism:</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;">Feelings of inadequacy</span></li></ul><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;">A <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2010/09/overcoming-your-fear-of-making-mistakes.html">fear of making mistakes</a></span></li></ul><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;">Being <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2013/08/self-blame-and-internal-critic.html">overly critical</a> of oneself</span></li></ul><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;">Obsessiveness around details</span></li></ul><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;"><a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2018/01/habitual-defensive-behavior-can-ruin.html">Defensiveness</a> around your own mistakes because making a mistake can be scary for you</span></li></ul><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;">A fear of criticism or disapproval from others</span></li></ul><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;">Equating self worth with accomplishments</span></li></ul><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;"><a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2024/01/how-to-overcome-shame-spiraling.html">Shame</a></span></li></ul><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;">Low self esteem</span></li></ul><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;">A need to control</span></li></ul><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;"><a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2013/03/overcoming-all-or-nothing-thinking.html">All or nothing thinking</a></span></li></ul><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;">Overthinking decisions or situations</span></li></ul><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;">Lack of flexibility</span></li></ul><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;"><a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2009/06/overcoming-procrastination.html">Procrastination</a> due to fear of your efforts not being perfect</span></li></ul><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;"><a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2014/05/achieving-your-goals-learn-to-celebrate.html">Difficulty celebrating your successes</a><br /></span></li></ul><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>What Causes Perfectionism?</b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">There are degrees of perfectionism with some people having worse problems than others.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Perfectionism is often caused by early childhood experiences with parents who had unrealistic expectations. </span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgCrCFkosS4WpXJtzHCrMM3amtGWtB_G4f_8S0Yjk3TwUOcbYgecRrTIY_QpDempSiixvhqw11NeHGDqUd1jD7JVLLmpL9LbgrBqF8aYNNxDZ6Fk9StUzfSd4tiGeb0KAVh_E3YqCseMBAtgIr1J2V2bwv5gpwkY5eUSKNYNvHM08vGuRPBHFyunlqn-p8/s5760/shutterstock_1537203929.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><img border="0" data-original-height="3840" data-original-width="5760" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgCrCFkosS4WpXJtzHCrMM3amtGWtB_G4f_8S0Yjk3TwUOcbYgecRrTIY_QpDempSiixvhqw11NeHGDqUd1jD7JVLLmpL9LbgrBqF8aYNNxDZ6Fk9StUzfSd4tiGeb0KAVh_E3YqCseMBAtgIr1J2V2bwv5gpwkY5eUSKNYNvHM08vGuRPBHFyunlqn-p8/w400-h266/shutterstock_1537203929.jpg" width="400" /></span></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-size: medium;">Perfectionism and Childhood Trauma</span></b></td></tr></tbody></table></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Children who grow up in this environment usually try to avoid their parents' harsh criticism and judgment by trying to be perfect. But since there's no such thing as being perfect, they feel they are falling short of their parents' standards. This results in shame for them.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">This creates a cycle where there is an internal push to strive to meet their parents' unrealistic expectations, but they feel they fall short again and again, which is <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2017/12/developmental-trauma-living-in-present.html">traumatic</a> for a child.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Having internalized their parents' disapproval for not being perfect, these individuals often grow up fearing the judgment and disapproval of others and seek to avoid those experiences by imposing unrealistic standards on themselves. </span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">In many cases parents who impose perfectionism on their children had parents who did the same to them.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>What Are the Different Types of Perfectionists?</b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">There are different types of perfectionists, which are described below. People can be one of these types or a combination of types.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"> <u>Self Oriented Perfectionism</u><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">There are some perfectionists who only impose their unrealistic standards <i>on themselves</i> and they are more compassionate towards others. </span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgvGh-Zfoc6kx5pNrOkJrGjscg1i0wWGSDcwhQ_fVAQHe8jVzt0ZVy6l-9P4LSzAkidczeQuBdl0GpQOOlnI8a9Rkkg-SQQVwBJh9dH6ITJYmK74vX4eZyH5BpHH9Tps2z1-TQjPgfLL9Ghvk9laA-r_4UJ9k7Dz93C0-civqQMW2dsPU5THf3j4ZRxN90/s4896/shutterstock_1194975370.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><img border="0" data-original-height="3264" data-original-width="4896" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgvGh-Zfoc6kx5pNrOkJrGjscg1i0wWGSDcwhQ_fVAQHe8jVzt0ZVy6l-9P4LSzAkidczeQuBdl0GpQOOlnI8a9Rkkg-SQQVwBJh9dH6ITJYmK74vX4eZyH5BpHH9Tps2z1-TQjPgfLL9Ghvk9laA-r_4UJ9k7Dz93C0-civqQMW2dsPU5THf3j4ZRxN90/w400-h266/shutterstock_1194975370.jpg" width="400" /></span></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-size: medium;">Self Oriented Perfectionism</span></b></td></tr></tbody></table></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Since they have internalized their parents' unrealistic standards and judgment, they have a hard time feeling the same compassion for themselves--even when it's pointed out to them. Logically, they understand that they deserve the same compassion as they would give to someone else but, on an emotional level, they don't feel it.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"> <u>Other Oriented Perfectionism</u><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span><span style="font-size: medium;">People with other oriented perfectionism tend to impose unrealistic standards <i>on others</i>. Sometimes this is with little or no awareness. In other cases people are aware but it's difficult for them to stop.</span></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjfWdjSQG4WSLJO7Z_pMMsatyAelk-7EasHXwVPRwy2TIFeXnThl5zA1XJLtJ7VTT0Jon9VOIDp3wkjjmJtXgdvOyL4H899ju9_3fbs-3pNY1BXDb3r69V0jSmxc2_8GOfmm4d4n6tx-NZjbJbGK6IEyYicc7gLiReoVnQD7xE_nB82LQEs-Z_keIXVpOE/s4491/shutterstock_766165444%20(1).jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2994" data-original-width="4491" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjfWdjSQG4WSLJO7Z_pMMsatyAelk-7EasHXwVPRwy2TIFeXnThl5zA1XJLtJ7VTT0Jon9VOIDp3wkjjmJtXgdvOyL4H899ju9_3fbs-3pNY1BXDb3r69V0jSmxc2_8GOfmm4d4n6tx-NZjbJbGK6IEyYicc7gLiReoVnQD7xE_nB82LQEs-Z_keIXVpOE/w400-h266/shutterstock_766165444%20(1).jpg" width="400" /></span></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-size: medium;">Other Oriented Perfectionism</span></b></td></tr></tbody></table></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span><span style="font-size: medium;"> <u>Socially Prescribed Perfectionism</u><br /></span></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">People with this tendency feel perfectionism is being imposed on them <i>by others</i>. In many cases, this is a projection of their own tendency towards perfectionism. In other cases, it's a realistic assessment of what's actually happening.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjOGCP61j1_46Sxm9x6hlqAYUJk6YOMNVtsjydgW9mby2YR__Vfqc4cWrlIxuBTaM0f1FPdeQ0UYf4lXs0GUDyZvAYSLjPyqf50I53o_DXXpkYlK6T10qm4UzTolEMnfLuqMw9i7OrIWXMuGq2rfFgBdhvH0SLYjrMqheVGBjlMDFbuPJ2XXqgkT5Ci9jI/s6030/shutterstock_521314966.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><img border="0" data-original-height="4241" data-original-width="6030" height="281" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjOGCP61j1_46Sxm9x6hlqAYUJk6YOMNVtsjydgW9mby2YR__Vfqc4cWrlIxuBTaM0f1FPdeQ0UYf4lXs0GUDyZvAYSLjPyqf50I53o_DXXpkYlK6T10qm4UzTolEMnfLuqMw9i7OrIWXMuGq2rfFgBdhvH0SLYjrMqheVGBjlMDFbuPJ2XXqgkT5Ci9jI/w400-h281/shutterstock_521314966.jpg" width="400" /></span></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-size: medium;">Socially Prescribed Perfectionism</span></b></td></tr></tbody></table><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>Clinical Vignette</b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many cases to protect confidentiality, illustrates how perfectionism can impact a relationship and how therapy can help:</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><u>Tom and Anna</u></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">After five years of marriage, Tom and Anna, who were both in their early 40s, sought help in <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2018/07/what-is-emotionally-focused-couple.html">couples therapy</a> to deal with the impact of perfectionism in their relationship.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Anna felt she was at her wit's end with Tom's perfectionism. She felt constantly criticized by Tom for almost everything she did, including how she stacked the dishwasher, folded the laundry, cleaned the apartment and in many other areas.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">She was frustrated by Tom's procrastination when they were trying to make decisions. She told their therapist they had been considering changing their insurance policy for a few years, but they were stalled in the process because Tom was obsessively comparing plans, weighing the pros and cons repeatedly but unable to make a decision (see my article: <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2015/09/psychotherapy-blog-fear-of-making.html">Overcoming Fear of Making Decisions</a>).</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Tom and Anna both agreed that his perfectionism had taken a toll on their emotional and sexual intimacy because Anna felt so much resentment towards Tom. Even though she still loved him, she didn't feel close to him.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Similar to many other people who struggle with perfectionism, Tom spoke about having parents who had unrealistic standards. His father was especially punitive when Tom made a mistake. </span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">This created a lot of anxiety for Tom which he tried to mitigate by getting exceptional grades, being good at sports and trying to be perfect in every way. Inevitably, since no one can be perfect, he fell short and had to endure his father's criticism and emotional withdrawal. </span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Reaching over and taking Anna's hand, Tom said he wanted to overcome his perfectionism because he didn't want to ruin their and he knew it was harmful for him as well. So, he agreed to attend individual therapy to deal with his unresolved childhood trauma while he and Anna worked together in couples therapy to save their relationship (see my article: <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2022/10/how-unresolved-childhood-trauma-affects.html">How Unresolved Trauma Can Affect Your Adult Relationship</a>).</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Using <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2015/02/psychotherapy-blog-how-emdr-works-part.html">EMDR therapy</a>, Tom's individual therapist helped him to work through his childhood trauma of feeling unlovable and inadequate. Although EMDR therapy tends to be faster than regular talk therapy, the work wasn't fast because these traumatic experiences were so longstanding and entrenched.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><span>He also worked on his procrastination related to his perfectionism. </span><span>For instance, instead of obsessively going over insurance plans, he sought help from an independent insurance navigator who helped Tom and Anna to pick a plan that was right for them. The navigator emphasized they could change the insurance by the next month if they weren't happy with it, so this made the decision-making less daunting for Tom.</span></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Both Tom and Anna learned to do <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2010/12/mind-body-connection-mindfulness.html">mindfulness meditation</a> and a <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2009/08/learning-to-relax-square-breathing.html">breathing exercise</a> to cope with stress in their relationship.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Their couples therapist helped each of them to get curious about their dynamic rather than getting reactive with each other (see my article: <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2020/05/5-tips-for-reducing-emotional.html">5 Tips For Reducing Emotional Reactivity and Arguments in Your Relationship</a>).</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">In addition to helping Tom to be more self aware, the couples therapist helped Anna to set boundaries with Tom when he got too picky about things (see my article: <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2009/07/relationships-setting-healthy.html">Setting Boundaries in Your Relationship</a>).</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">For instance, instead of getting annoyed with his criticism about how she folded the laundry, she told him she would do it her way or he could do it (or redo it) himself. This was challenging for Tom but, over time, he developed a tolerance for things being less than his standard of perfection. He also stopped criticizing Anna.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Since Tom had a hard time acknowledging his successes, their couples therapist also encouraged Anna to acknowledge and celebrate Tom's successes and for Tom to learn to take that in.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">For example, when he won the Salesperson of the Year Award at his company, he wanted to brush it off, but Anna took him out for a dinner to celebrate. At first, it was hard for Tom to take in Anna's praise but, over time, he learned to get comfortable with it and feel proud of himself.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">As they worked on these issues, over time, Tom and Anna gradually revived their emotional and sexual intimacy. </span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">There were bumps in the road, but even though progress in individual and couples therapy wasn't linear, they made progress and their relationship improved (see my article: <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2018/03/progress-in-psychotherapy-isnt-linear.html">Progress in Therapy Isn't Linear</a>).</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>Coping With Perfectionism in Your Relationship</b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">There is no one-size-fits-all approach to this problem because each couple is unique, but here are some steps you might find useful:</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;">Acknowledge the problem and make an agreement to work on it together as a team.</span></li></ul><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;">Be aware that this problem is probably rooted in early experiences that need to get worked through in therapy.</span></li></ul><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;">Develop greater <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2022/11/relationship-skills-why-self-awareness.html">self awareness</a> and a self reflective capacity.</span></li></ul><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;">Tone down emotional reactivity and be responsive instead of reactive (see my article: <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2011/01/mind-body-connection-responding-instead.html">Responding Instead of Reacting to Stress</a>).</span></li></ul><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;">Learn <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2021/11/improve-communication-in-your.html">better communication skills</a>.</span></li></ul><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;">Develop <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2012/11/what-compassion-is-much-more-helpful.html">compassion</a> for yourself and your partner.</span></li></ul><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;">Develop stress management skills, like mindfulness and breathing exercises, to cope with the stress.</span></li></ul><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;">Think in terms of <i>progress </i>instead of perfection.</span></li></ul></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>Get Help in Therapy</b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Perfectionism is challenging to change on your own, especially since it's usually rooted in childhood trauma.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Depending upon the problem, you might need to work individually with a <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2020/04/what-is-trauma-therapist_27.html">trauma therapist</a> as well as a <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2018/07/what-is-emotionally-focused-couple.html">couples therapist</a>.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">So, rather than struggling on your own seek help from a licensed mental health professional so you can have a more fulfilling life.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>About Me</b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2022/10/what-is-sex-therapy.html">Sex Therapist</a>.</b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b><br /></b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>As a <a href="https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2020/04/what-is-trauma-therapist_27.html">trauma therapist</a>, I have helped many individual adults and couples to overcome their problems.</b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b><br /></b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>To find out more about me, visit my website: <a href="https://josephineferrarotherapy.com">Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist</a>.</b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b><br /></b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or <a href="mailto:josephineferraro@iCloud.com">email me</a>.</b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"> </span></div><div class="blogger-post-footer">Disclaimer: The postings on this blog are not meant to take the place of obtaining professional mental health services.</div>Josephine Ferraro, LCSWhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00594256291815008994noreply@blogger.comNew York, NY, USA40.7127753 -74.005972812.402541463821152 -109.1622228 69.023009136178842 -38.849722799999995