Relationships: Are You Overfunctioning For Your Partner?

What is Overfunctioning in a Relationship?

Overfunctioning is a term used to describe when one partner is carrying the bulk of responsibilities, initiates difficult conversations and attempts to resolve problems in the relationship and in the household (see my article: Overcoming the Negative Cycle That Keeps You Both Stuck).

Are You Overfunctioning For Your Partner?

Why Does Overfunctioning Occur in a Relationship?

There are many ways a couple can get into a dynamic where one of them is overfunctioning and the other is underfunctioning.

As responsibilities increase, life becomes more complex so there are more household chores and responsibilities:

• Doing household chores
• Paying bills
• Remembering children's playdates and getting them there
• Remembering the children's doctors' appointments and getting them there

Are You Overfunctioning For Your Partner?

• Getting birthday gifts for the children's friends and getting the children to friends' birthday parties
• Being responsible for going to parent-teacher conferences
• Remembering grandparents' birthdays and anniversaries and getting gifts
• Work-related tasks
• And on and on

It's common for one person in the relationship to take on these and other responsibilities while the other partner takes on few, if any, responsibilities. 

The relationship you witnessed in your family of origin can also influence whether you become the overfunctioner or the underfunctioner based on traditions, culture and outdated gender roles.

This dynamic can resemble a mother-child relationship where the overfunctioner is in the role of the mother and the underfunctioner is in role of the child.

This often affects the dynamic in the bedroom because no one wants to make love to their parent or their child (see my article: Behaving Like a Parent to Your Partner Could Be Ruining Your Relationship).

As the overfunctioner becomes overwhelmed by the tasks and responsibilities they have taken on, resentment builds and conflict can grow.

Signs You Have Taken on the Role of the Overfunctioner

• You're the One Who Does Most or All the Chores and Carry the Mental Load: You clean, pay the bills, take care of the children, do the laundry and so on and you probably have a job outside the home with its own responsibilities (see my article: Sharing the Mental Load).

• You Assume That If You Take a Break, Things Will Fall Apart: You're aware doing everything with little or any participation from your partner, but you're afraid that if you take a break, everything will fall apart.

Are You Overfunctioning For Your Partner

• You Feel Angry and Resentful About the Role You Have Taken On: You feel taken for granted and unappreciated by your partner because you have taken on more than your fair share of responsibilities. 

• You Have Lost Sight of Your Own Needs: Since you're focused on doing everything else, you don't recognize your own needs which can lead to a diminishment of self and lack of fulfillment.

• You Don't Feel Like Being Intimate With Your Partner: Since you're probably exhausted, frustrated, angry and irritable, you don't feel like being emotionally or sexually intimate with your partner. Emotional distance between you and your partner can grow to the point where you feel like you're just two people co-existing in the same household (see my article: Have You and Your Partner Stopped Having Sex?).

How Can You and Your Partner Disrupt the Overfunctioning-Underfunctioning Dynamic?

It takes two people to create their dynamic and the dynamic between you and your partner didn't develop overnight and it won't change overnight.

If the two of you were dance partners and you changed what you did, your partner would have to change too (see my article: Breaking the Negative Cycle in Your Relationship).

This is similar to what Emotionally Focused Therapy for Couples describes as the pursuer-withdrawer dynamic with the overfunctioner being in the pursuer role and the underfunctioner being in the withdrawer role. 

If You're the Overfunctioner:

• Consider how you might be able to experiment:
• What chores or responsibilities can you back off from, let go of and surrender to your partner? 
• This might mean that certain things fall through the cracks. 

Are You Overfunctioning For Your Partner?

• Be aware that stepping back and allowing your partner to take the lead with certain tasks will probably feel uncomfortable at first, but don't give in to the urge to take it over again. You will feel resentful and you will be belittling your partner as if they were a child.

• You might feel some anxiety about the change.

• Don't be critical or judgmental if your partner takes on a task and their standards aren't up to yours. Unless it's a safety matter. Then, you can tactfully show your partner how you have performed this task or chore in a safe way, but avoid criticism so your partner doesn't consciously or unconsciously avoid the task.

If You're the Underfunctioner:

• Challenge yourself to consider where you can step up to take on responsibilities. 

• You might experience discomfort at first because you're not accustomed to taking on responsibilities, but you'll adjust.

• Don't wait to be told each time if you have agreed to take on a certain responsibility.

• Remember you're an adult, so avoid getting into the child role with your partner.

• Don't get defensive if your partner tactfully explains why it's safer to do certain chores or handle certain responsibilities in a particular way (e.g., don't leave the baby alone in a hot car and other similar safety issues).

• Don't wait until you "feel like" doing a chore. Just do it. After a while, you'll get accustomed to doing it even if you "don't feel like it."

• Be proud, rather than feeling ashamed, that you're taking on more adult responsibilities.

For Both the Overfunctioner and the Underfunctioner: Develop An Agreement:

• Set a time aside when you won't be interrupted and talk about the inequity of your situation and how you each feel about making changes.

• Approach the change as two people who are on the same team. Teamwork is essential when you're making these kinds of changes.

• Approach the conversation with curiosity about how your partner feels instead of criticism.

• Talk about which one of you is overfunctioning or which one is underfunctioning from each of your perspectives and how you each contribute to the dynamic.

• Agree to shake things up.

• Remember: If one of you starts doing a different "dance step", your partner will have to change too.

• Get specific:
• What will you do differently?
• How long will you experiment with the change?
• When will you follow up with each other to determine if you need to tweak or overhaul your plan?

Get Help in Couples Therapy

On the surface, it might not seem like it would be complicated to change the overfunctioning-underfunctioning dynamic, but there are usually other underlying dynamics including personal beliefs, gender norms, cultural issues, family history and other factors.

If you and your partner are getting stuck, you could benefit from working with an experienced couples therapist to help you overcome the obstacles that keep you both stuck.

If your sex life has been affected by these problems, seek the help of a couples therapist who is a Certified Sex Therapist.

Rather than struggling on your own and remaining stuck, get help sooner rather than later so you can both have a more meaningful experience in your relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

With over 20 years of experience, I have helped many individuals and couples to overcome their problems.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

What Do Couples Talk About in Couples Therapy?

Tips on How to Get the Most Out of Couples Therapy

Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples Can Help Change a Negative Dynamic in a Relationship

What is Sex Therapy?

 

What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?

What Are the Most Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?

Relationships: How to Rebuild Trust After You Have Betrayed Your Partner

Several years ago I wrote an article about rebuilding trust after a betrayal in a relationship focusing on the person who was betrayed. 

In the current article I'm focusing on how the person who betrayed their partner can try to rebuild trust.

Rebuilding Trust After You Betrayed Your Partner

How Can You Rebuild Trust in Your Relationship After You Have Betrayed Your Partner?

If you have betrayed your partner and your partner is willing to give you a second chance, be aware that this can be a delicate time in your relationship.

Even if you both want to try to work it out, it might not last. The reason for this is that many couples who try to work on their relationship after a betrayal discover the road to rebuilding trust is harder than they anticipated and they just can't get there.

Rebuilding Trust After You Have Betrayed Your Partner

If you're sincere and you're both willing to do the work, here are some suggestions that can help:

• Listen to Your Partner Express Their Pain: You need to listen to your partner express the pain you caused them without getting defensive or making excuses. This often involves more than just one conversation, but if you want to regain your partner's trust, you need to be attuned to their pain. Your partner might need time to fully realize the affect of this betrayal, what it meant to them and how they will express it to you. Allow them the time and space to do it.

Rebuilding Trust After You Have Betrayed Your Partner

• Acknowledge the Harm You Did and Validate Your Partner's Feelings: After you have listened attentively without getting defensive, be open and honest in acknowledging the pain you caused your partner. Let your partner know you're aware of how much you hurt them.  

• Offer a Sincere Apology: Saying "I'm sorry" once is unlikely to be enough. You might need to express your genuine remorse for your betrayal more than once and over time.

• Be Open to Talk to Your Partner About How the Two of You Got to This Point: It's important that you take responsibility for your actions without any excuses. But it's also important, when the time is right, for the two of you to talk about how you both got to this point in your relationship. If it's too difficult for the two of you to do this on your own, consider couples therapy where a a licensed mental health professional can help you both to have these difficult conversations, work towards healing and begin the process of rebuilding trust.

Rebuilding Trust After You Have Betrayed Your Partner

• Be Consistent and Dependable: Keep your promises. Maintain whatever commitments you made to your partner. These include both big and small commitments. Be predictable in your behavior--show up when you say you're going to show up and do what you said you would do. You need to demonstrate to your partner that you're trustworthy.

• Communicate Openly and Honestly: Share your thoughts and feelings and be an active listener when your partner communicates with you--even though it might be hard to hear how much pain you caused them.

Rebuilding Trust After You Have Betrayed Your Partner

• Reflect on Your Behavior and How You Need to Change: Examine your behavior and address patterns you need to change.

• Make a Commitment For Positive Change: Be sincere about making positive changes and then show your partner how you're making these changes.

Rebuilding Trust After You Betrayed Your Partner

• Provide Reassurance: In the aftermath of your betrayal, your partner will probably need more reassurance from you than before they discovered the betrayal. So, find ways to show you care. Create an atmosphere of safety so that, over time, your partner can regain trust in you.

• Work on Developing a Better Connection With Your Partner: Create positive shared experiences together to reinforce your bond.

• Be Patient and Allow Time For Healing: Healing after a betrayal is a process and the process can't be put on a timetable. There is no quick fix. Once trust has been broken, it takes time to heal and everyone heals in their own time.

What If You and Your Partner Discover Your Relationship is Beyond Repair?

As mentioned above, it's not always possible to rebuild trust--even when both people really try.

There are times when both people make a genuine effort to rebuild trust, but in the process they discover they have reached an impasse. 

Your Relationship Might Be Beyond Repair

For instance, your partner might realize they really can't overcome their hurt and resentment or you might realize you're not willing or able to make the necessary changes needed to rebuild trust.

At that point, you should both attempt to separate in a way that doesn't cause any additional pain.

Once you have decided to end the relationship, be clear about boundaries.

Take Time to Grieve

Take time to grieve the end of the relationship. 

Practice self care. 

Seek emotional support from people close to you.

Consider getting help from a licensed mental health professional to help you heal.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing, Parts Work Therapist (IFS and Ego States Therapy) and a Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also see my article:

What Do You Consider Cheating?

How Does Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy (AEDP) Work?

In the past, I have described Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy (AEDP) in two prior articles:

What is Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy and How Does It Heal - Part 1

What is Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy and How Does It Heal - Part 2

How Does AEDP Work?

In the current article, I'm focusing on how AEDP works and going into more detail.

AEDP to Overcome Unresolved Trauma

AEDP is a therapeutic modality that focuses on helping clients to process and transform traumatic experiences in a safe and supportive environment (see my article: Why Experiential Therapy is More Effective to Overcome Trauma Than Regular Talk Therapy).

Here are some of the basics about how AEDP works:

• Building a Secure Therapeutic Relationship: An essential part of AEDP is developing a strong, trusting bond between the client and the therapist. The therapist becomes a secure base for emotional exploration and healing by providing empathy, validation and emotional support so that the client feels safe enough to share vulnerable feelings.

AEDP to Overcome Unresolved Trauma

• Helping Clients to Identify, Connect With and Process Core Emotions: Rather than just talking about emotions in an intellectual way, AEDP focuses on experiencing and processing emotions in the here-and-now with the therapist. This involves becoming aware and processing suppressed emotions related to traumatic experiences. 

• Working Through Defensive Mechanisms That No Longer Work: Clients learn to recognize, understand and modify defense mechanisms that might have served them as part of their survival strategy earlier in life but no longer work for them now.

AEDP to Overcome Unresolved Trauma

• Accessing Transformational Affects: AEDP helps clients to access positive emotions, like joy, love and compassion, which can empower clients to heal unresolved trauma and make positive changes (see my article: How Glimmers Give You a Sense of Ease, Safety and Joy).

• Metaprocessing: This involves reflecting on the therapeutic process including the client's emotional experiences in AEDP therapy, the therapist's interventions and the therapeutic alliance between the client and therapist. This helps clients to develop insight into their emotional patterns and how they apply them to other relationships.

What Experiential Techniques Does AEDP Use?

AEDP's experiential techniques include:

• Mind-Body Focused Techniques: An AEDP therapist helps the client to become aware of bodily sensations and how these sensations relate to their emotional experiences (see my article: The Mind-Body Connection: The Body Offers a Window Into the Unconscious Mind).

• Guided Imagery and Visualization: An AEDP therapist helps clients to process emotions with guided imagery and visualization exercises.

• Role Playing and Other Interactive Exercises: The therapist helps clients to practice new emotional responses and behaviors in a safe therapeutic environment.

How Does AEDP Help Clients to Have Transformational Experiences?

• Developing Greater Emotional Awareness and Emotional Regulation: Clients learn to identify, manage and regulate their emotions more effectively.

• Strengthening a Sense of Self and Building Resilience: When clients process difficult  emotions related to trauma, they develop a greater sense of self acceptance and capacity to cope with challenges.

• Creating More Fulfilling Relationships: By addressing attachment wounds and developing healthier emotional patterns, clients can develop secure and more fulfilling relationships.

Conclusion

Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy (AEDP) is a dynamic and experiential approach which facilitates deep emotional healing by creating a safe therapeutic space for clients to explore, process and transform unresolved trauma and current emotional challenges.

Getting Help in AEDP Therapy

If you have been struggling on your own to overcome unresolved trauma, you could benefit from working with an AEDP therapist.

Getting Help in AEDP Therapy

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help in AEDP therapy so you can live a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

Riding the Waves From Trauma to Transformation

What's the Difference Between "Bottom Up" and "Top Down" Approaches to Trauma Therapy?

Why is Self Acceptance the Foundation of Self Confidence?

In the past, I've written articles about self acceptance, including Self Acceptance and Compassion.

In the current article I'm focusing on self acceptance as the foundation of self confidence.

What is Self Acceptance?

Self acceptance involves accepting all aspects of yourself--whether you consider these aspects to be positive or not.

Self Acceptance is the Foundation of Self Confidence

Self acceptance involves accepting your strengths as well as accepting aspects about yourself you might want to change. 

In other words, even while you're working towards making changes, you embrace all of who you are right now.

Why is Self Acceptance the Foundation of Self Confidence?

If you're working on developing increased self confidence, starting with self acceptance is essential to your development.

When you accept yourself as you are right now, you validate yourself internally rather than relying on external validation (see my article: What is Self Validation?).

Self Acceptance is the Foundation of Self Confidence

Even when you're working on making changes, you tell yourself, "I'm good enough as I am" because you're secure within yourself.

When you accept yourself as you are right now, you're more likely to bouncing back from disappointments or setbacks.

Self acceptance allows you to have compassion for yourself as you would have for loved ones in your life.

Self acceptances allows you to be your true self rather than pretending or wanting to be someone else. 

Self acceptance also reduces the likelihood you will compare yourself unfavorable to others. 

Comparison and judgment are the thieves of joy so it's important to stop comparing yourself unfavorably to others including on social media.

Self acceptance allows you to step outside your comfort zone to take healthy risks which can build self confidence.

What is the Difference Between Self Acceptance and Complacency?

Many people worry that if they accept themselves as they are, they will become complacent, but self acceptance and complacency are two different things.

Self acceptance is acknowledging yourself as you are right now and complacency is being satisfied with how things are to the point of stagnation.

Self Acceptance is the Foundation of Self Confidence

While self acceptance is a starting point to any change you want to make, complacency is often leads to a lack of motivation to change.

The important factor is your intent: Are you accepting yourself as you are right now as a starting point or are you accepting yourself as a reason to stagnate?

Self acceptance allows you to take action to make positive changes. 

In contrast, complacency often leads to inaction.

Self Confidence as a Learnable Skill

Self confidence is considered a learnable skill.

Self confidence is influenced by how you think and how you behave.

Self Confidence is a Learnable Skill

You can develop self confidence by changing the critical messages you're giving yourself.

You can also develop self confidence by giving yourself manageable challenges like taking a public speaking course, a storytelling workshop or taking improv classes.

Getting Help in Therapy

Many people lack self confidence due to unresolved trauma that keeps them mired in shame (see my article: How Unresolved Trauma Can Affect Your Ability to Feel Self Compassion).

Getting Help in Therapy

Getting help in trauma therapy can free you from your traumatic history so you can learn self acceptance and develop self confidence.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and a Certified Sex Therapist.

I have helped individual adults and couples in therapy for over 20 years (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

 

How Do You Know If You're Ready to Seek Help in Trauma Therapy?

Many people procrastinate getting help in therapy to deal with unresolved trauma (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

One the one hand, it's understandable that people want to think carefully before beginning trauma therapy because it's a commitment. 

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

On the other hand, it's possible to procrastinate and overthink it to the point where years go by and you're still dealing with the impact of unresolved trauma.

How Do You Know If You're Ready to Seek Help in Trauma Therapy?

Here are some characteristics that would be helpful:

• Some Awareness and Curiosity of the Impact of the Trauma: You have some awareness that traumatic circumstances in your life have had a negative impact on you. You might not understand the full impact, but you have a sense that your traumatic history is creating problems in your present life (see my article: Why is Past Trauma Affecting You Now?).

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

• A Desire and Willingness to Change: In addition to being aware of the problem, you have a desire and willingness to change. This includes realizing that working through trauma isn't a quick fix process (see my article: Developing Internal Motivation to Change).

• Feeling Emotionally Ready to Start the Process: You are at a point in your life when you feel ready emotionally to begin the process. Your trauma therapist will help you develop the necessary tools and skills to prepare for processing the trauma. The length of time for the preparation phase of trauma therapy varies depending upon a client's particular circumstances.

• Having the Time to Commit to the Process: You understand that trauma therapy involves a commitment of time and you can commit to once-a-week trauma therapy to work through yout traumatic history.

• A Willingness to Confront the Problem: Although you know it will be challenging, you are willing to confront the problem with help and support from your therapist. 

• An Openness to Emotional Vulnerability: You understand working on the problem will involve opening up emotionally to traumatic events from the past, but that you're in charge of deciding when you're ready to start processing the trauma and your therapist will assess with you the timing of the processing.

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette is a composite of many cases (to protect confidentiality) and illustrates one possible pathway for the decision-making process:

Anna

A few years after Anna graduated college, she was aware she was having problems connecting on an emotional and sexual level with men.  

She watched videos, listened to podcasts and read articles about psychological trauma, so she had some awareness that there was something in her history that was affecting her in her present life.

Initially, she was afraid to seek help in therapy because she was feared therapy would be too overwhelming, so she thought about it for a several years and kept putting it off. But when she heard about a close friend's experience with trauma therapy, she became curious for herself.

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

Her friend, Carol, told Anna she was also scared to start trauma therapy at first, but she felt motivated to get help because her relationship with John was getting serious and she realized she was worrying she might create the same tumultuous relationship her parents and she really didn't want to that.

Carol told Anna that, after talking to another friend about trauma therapy, she got curious to find out what it was about. So, she had an hourlong consultation with a trauma therapist who described the process to her and she realized the therapist would go at Carol's pace. She also realized she felt comfortable with this therapist.

Carol also told Anna her therapist prepared her to process her traumatic family history using EMDR Therapy. Carol said the therapist also used Parts Work Therapy. 

Carol said she learned so much about herself and, even though she was still processing the trauma, she was beginning to feel like a weight was being lifted from her. 

She also began to realize she wouldn't repeat her parents' dysfunctional patterns and it was possible for her to have a healthy relationship with John.

Anna trusted Carol. She also knew she wanted to be more open emotionally and sexually so she could eventually get into a relationship. So she set up a consultation with another trauma therapist who was recommended to her.

During the consultation, the trauma therapist asked her what she wanted to work on in therapy. In addition, the therapist explained the different types of trauma therapy she did including:

• EMDR Therapy (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing)

• AEDP (Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Processing)

• Parts Work Therapy

• Somatic Experiencing

• Hypnotherapy (also known as Clinical Hypnosis)

She also explained the preparation phase of trauma therapy and that it would be Anna's decision when she felt ready to go on to the next stage, processing the trauma.

After her initial consultation, her trauma therapist helped Anna to develop the skills and tools she needed to process her trauma. 

When both Anna and her therapist felt she was ready, they began working on processing her trauma keeping in mind Anna's goal of becoming more emotionally and sexually open.

Over time, Anna noticed small positive changes in herself where she began to feel more open and curious about opening up emotionally and sexually.

Her therapist told her that setbacks are a normal part of the therapy process on the road to healing, so Anna wasn't surprised when she had a minor setback.

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

When Anna began dating Bill, she felt more comfortable with him than she had ever felt in the past with other men. He was willing to take things slowly until they dated for a while.  

Over time, as she continued to process her childhood history in trauma therapy, Anna was able to open up to be more vulnerable with Bill.

She also enjoyed her therapy sessions, even though she had to process difficult memories, because she was learning about herself and she was opening up to new possibilities in her life.

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

If you have been on the fence for a while about getting help in therapy, you can start by contacting a therapist for a consultation.

Use the time in the consultation to ask about the therapy process, how the therapist works and any other questions you might have about trauma therapy.

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

You might need to have more than one appointment to tell if you feel comfortable with the therapist or you might need to see a few therapists before you know which one to choose (see my article: How to Choose a Therapist).

Freeing yourself from your traumatic history can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and  Certified Sex Therapist.

I have over 20 years of experience as a trauma therapist helping individual adults and couples to overcome traumatic experiences.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: Navigating Changes in Your Relationship as New Parents

Becoming new parents can be joyous and wonderful, but it can also be challenging to your relationship which can make you feel guilty.

Navigating Changes in Your Relationship as New Parents

The Challenges of Being New Parents

Some of the challenges of being a new parents are fairly well known:

• Being sleep deprived especially during the first few months

• Feeling irritable due to sleep deprivation

• Experiencing poor concentration due to lack of sleep

• Experiencing increased stress and anxiety (see my article: Recognizing the Signs That You're Under Too Much Stress)

• Losing patience with your partner and yourself

• Feeling anxious about being a new parent (see my article: Self Help Tips For Dealing With Anxiety)

• Feeling like you are not a "good enough" parent

• Experiencing postpartum depression

Postpartum Depression

• Feeling jealous that your partner pays more attention to the baby than to you

• Feeling like you are neglecting yourself (see my article: Is Self Care Selfish?)

• Feeling like you and your partner are neglecting your needs as a couple

• Feeling the need to take a break from parenting

• Realizing you and your partner have different parenting styles

• Feeling like you have lost control of your life, your relationship and your household

• Not feeling like a sexual being (see my article: What is Sexual Desire Discrepancy?)

• Feeling less physically attractive

• Feeling less sexually attracted to your partner (see my article: What is Attraction?)

• Having less sex in your relationship (see my article: Have You and Your Partner Stopped Having Sex?).

• Listening to seemingly endless advice and childrearing stories from relatives and friends

• Coping with visits from relatives and friends when you're exhausted (see my article: Coping With Difficult In-Laws).

• Re-experiencing traumatic memories from your own childhood

Awareness and Acceptance That Your Relationship Has Changed

Before you had the baby, the two of you probably had more time to do whatever you wanted to do or to just relax at home.

The two of you could focus on yourself as individuals and your relationship as a couple. 

Before you had the baby, you probably knew your lives would change and you both would need to adjust, but knowing it and actually experiencing the changes are two different things.

Now, in addition to being a couple, you're both parents and parenting will take up most of your time and energy. You don't have as much time to nurture your relationship as you did before the baby because the baby's needs are the priority. 

In the past, when two or three generations lived close by, new parents had more help, but things have changed in recent years and many new parents don't have close relatives who can help. So, all the responsibilities of taking care of a baby fall on the new parents, which adds to their stress and anxiety.

All of these factors and more can have a negative impact on your relationship as you both realize how much your life has changed.

How to Navigate the Change to Your Relationship as New Parents

• Cultivate awareness and acceptance that your life and your relationship have changed (see my article: Change, Awareness and Acceptance).

• Find ways to practice self care even if these practices are small (see my article: Finding Time for Self Care).

• Approach these new life changes as a team (see my article: Improving Your Relationship By Practicing Teamwork).

• Develop open communication about how you feel about your new role as a parent and feelings it might bring up about your relationship.

• Make time for each other, even in small ways. This can help you to maintain an emotional connection with each other.

• Share responsibilities for the baby and other household responsibilities fairly (see my article: Sharing the Mental Load).

• Reassess the need to shift responsibilities from time to time so neither of you feel resentful.

• Be patient with yourself and each other as you both navigate these changes.

• Get help from a licensed mental health professional if the changes have put a strain on your relationship.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

Adding another commitment to your schedule might feel like the last thing you want to do with all your new responsibilities, but if your relationship is suffering due to all the new changes that parenthood brings, you could benefit from seeing a couples therapist to salvage your relationship.

A skilled couples therapist can help you to adjust to the changes to your relationship so you can approach the changes as a team.

Rather than waiting until your relationship problems get worse, seek help early so you can have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I have over 20 years of experiencing helping individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.