How Does the "Hero's Journey" Help You to Cope With Big Changes in Your Life?

Joseph Campbell and The Power of Myth

Ever since I first became aware of Joseph Campbell's work while watching the PBS series, "Joseph Campbell and the Power of Myth" in 1988, I have been an admirer of his work, especially his book, The Hero With a Thousand Faces, and how his concepts can be used to cope with personal change.

The Hero's Journey

When I was a social work graduate student many years ago, I did an internship at an agency for homeless men many of whom had mental health and substance abuse problems. When my supervisor recommended that I do a group for the clients, I knew I wanted to introduce the concepts of the "Hero's Journey" to these clients, which is derived from Campbell's book.

The clients understood immediately how the "Hero's Journey" applied to their life, their recovery and the changes they were trying to make to their life. It was a popular group at the agency.

Since that time, many clients in my psychotherapy practice in New York City have found that the concepts in the "Hero's Journey" helped them to make major changes  in their lives.

What is the "Hero's Journey"?

Joseph Campbell, an American mythologist and author described the "Hero's Journey" as a monomyth. 

A monomyth is a narrative structure which is common in many myths around the world where the main character ventures from their ordinary world to an unknown world. 

Along the way, according to Campbell, the main character encounters adventures, challenges and has transformational experiences of self discovery before they return to the known world to re-enter their world and bring back what they have learned to their society.

"The Hero's Journey" has been used as a blueprint for many movies and stories, including Star Wars. George Lucas created the character, Luke Skywalker, as the hero of the story who transforms from a farm boy into a hero through the classic stages of the "Hero's Journey".

What Are the Stages of the "Hero's Journey"?

The "Hero's Journey" is made of three main phases:

• Separation from the Known World (Departure)

• Initiation

• Return to the Known World

Within those three main phases, there are various stages including:

• The Ordinary World: This is the  hero's normal everyday life before the adventure begins.

• The Call to Adventure: The hero gets the call to face a challenge or a quest.

• Refusal of the Call: The hero hesitates or fears leaving their comfort zone. An example of this is when Luke Skywalker tells Obi-Wan Kenobe that he cannot join him to fight the Empire because he has obligations to his aunt and uncle. He is also fearful and wants to remain in his familiar world.

Meeting the Mentor: Ariadne's Thread

• Meeting the Mentor: A wise or experienced figure gives the hero advice or tools for the challenges to come. In Star Wars, Obi-Wan Kenobe is an important mentor. He teaches him about the Force and lightsaber skills. Another example in the Greek myth, "Theseus and the Minotaur", Ariadne, a princess in Crete, gave the hero, Theseus, a ball of red yarn (or fleece) to help him navigate the Labyrinth, a complex maze that housed the dangerous Minotaur. In psychology, this myth is used as a metaphor for using your inner voice to lead you through the maze of your unconscious mind or through a difficult life transition (see my article: Reclaiming the Power of Your Inner Voice).

• Crossing the First Threshold: The hero commits to the journey and enters into the unknown world.

• Tests, Allies, Enemies: The hero faces challenges, makes friends and encounters foes.

• Approach to the Inmost Cave: The hero prepares for the central crisis of the story

• The Ordeal: The ordeal is a central life-or-death crisis where the hero faces their greatest fear.

• Reward (Seizing the Sword): The hero survives the ordeal and takes possession of the treasure or knowledge.

• The Road Back: The hero attempts to return to the ordinary world while they are being chased by danger.

• Resurrection: The hero faces the final high-stakes battle at the threshold of home, which purifies the hero. 

• Return of the Elixir: The hero returns home and brings back the "elixir" (knowledge, treasure or peace) to help their community. For instance, in the myth of "Eros and Psyche", Psyche is given ambrosia by Zeus after completing the quests which transform her from a mortal into a goddess.  Another example is Luke Skywalker in Star Wars. The elixir is the destruction of the Death Star and the medal of honor. This signifies hope, success and his rise as a hero.

What is the Significance of the "Hero's Journey"?

• Common Themes: The themes in the "Hero's Journey" mirror experience in real life of overcoming obstacles to attain personal growth.

• Story Structure: It provides a framework for personal storytelling as well as for stories like: 
• Star Wars
• The Hobbit
• The Wizard of Oz

The "Hero's Journey"and The Wizard of Oz

• The Odyssey
• The Quest For the Holy Grail
• The Alchemist
• The Hunger Games
• The Three Musketeers and many other stories.

• Transformation: The focus is on the internal change of the main character as well as the adventure.  This also applies to the psychological changes in real life.

How Can You Use the "Hero's Journey" to Cope With Big Changes in Your Life?

You can use the "Hero's Journey" to cope with change by reframing personal challenges as a narrative for growth rather than a crisis. 

The "Hero's Journey"

By identifying as a hero, rather than a victim, in your own story, you can embrace uncertainty as a "Call to Adventure", find mentors or people who can provide you with tools and emotional support, face challenges and attain newfound strength.

Key Stages of the "Hero's Journey" for Personal Change

• Reframe the Crisis as a Journey: Instead of viewing life challenges or disruptions as permanent catastrophes, see them as necessary temporary stages in a transformative journey. 

• Identify the Call to Adventure: Recognize the necessity of change as a "call" prompting you to step out of your comfort zone to begin the necessary transition.

• Identify Mentors or Allies: Recognize the people, including mentors, allies, trusted friends, mental health professionals and others, who can provide support, guidance and tools during your transition.

• "Cross the Threshold": Commit to making the change by taking small, proactive steps which help to build momentum and reduce fears of the unknown.

• Face the "Ordeal": Acknowledge that facing challenges is a necessary part of the process while allowing the "death" of old habits and the "rebirth" of a more resilient self.

• Bring Back the "Elixir": Focus on the lessons, wisdom and personal growth gained from your struggle while integrating the new strength into your "ordinary world".

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have helped many individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

Coping With the In-Between State of Change 

How Does Imagery and Imagination Enhance Psychotherapy? 

Using Your Imagination: How Imaginal Interweaves Help to Overcome Trauma

The Power of Rituals 

Embracing Your Internal Contradictions and Paradoxes 

Developing the Courage to Change

Being Open to New Experiences 

Coping With the In-Between State of Change

The in-between state of change can be challenging because you are between an old reality that has ended and a new reality that hasn't developed yet (see my article: Navigating Life's Transitions).

Coping With the In-Between State of Change

Although that in-between state of change can feel scary and uncertain, it can also be a powerful time when many new possibilities open up for you. It all depends on how you navigate that time in your life (see my article: Opening Up to New Possibilties in Your Life).

What Are Liminal Spaces in Your Personal Life?

This in-between state is also known as a liminal space.

Liminal means occupying a place at a boundary or a threshold. 

I'll be using the terms "in-between state" and "liminal space" interchangeably in this article.

Coping With the In-Between State of Change

In psychology a liminal space is a transition or the initial stage of a process. You are at the threshold of having ended something in your life and not yet having begun the next stage.

Some examples include:

• Graduating high school but not yet starting college
• Leaving an old job and not yet starting a new job
• Letting go of an old identity but not yet establishing a new identity 
• Being in the process of moving from an old home and traveling to a new one
• Retiring for a job and not feeling comfortable yet in a new life as a retired person
• Being in the process of making a decision where the status quo no longer fits but you don't yet know what will be next
• Leaving an old relationship and not knowing what comes next 
• Grieving the death of a loved one

How Personal Liminal Space Can Affect Your Mental Health

Most of the time a personal liminal space isn't inherently negative or dangerous. 

There are exceptions, of course: If you lose your job and you don't have savings, it's understandable that you would be under a lot of stress until you find your next job.

In most other circumstances, however, it's your perception of being in an in-between state that might be affecting you.

If you respond to an in-between state as being dangerous when, objectively, it's not, you can feel overwhelmed, anxious and upset because you don't know how to cope with this stage in your life.

This might be especially true if you grew up in an environment where these types of changes were responded to with high anxiety and feelings of foreboding.

How to Cope With Liminal Spaces in Your Personal Life

Everyone experiences transitions in life. There's no way to avoid it.

Assuming that your basic needs are taken care of during a transitional time, you can learn a new way to cope with transitory periods in your life:

• Learn to Accept the In-Between State of Change: Since everyone experiences times when they are in liminal space, rather than trying to resist or deny it, learn to accept this time. Acceptance doesn't mean you like it or you will react to it in a passive way. It just means that you acknowledge that it is happening. Even though it might feel scary and uncertain and you might not be able to control the circumstances, you can control your own thoughts and reactions. For instance, you can't control the death of loved one, but you can find healthy ways to grieve the loss (see my articles: Awareness and Acceptance and Grieving and Healing From Losses).

Accept What You Can and Can't Control

• Create Routines: Creating routines can help to give you a sense of security and stability. For instance, if you have lost a job or you retired, rather than having a lot of unstructured time, create routines for sleeping and waking up, make time for hobbies, get regular exercise or go for walks in nature, etc. (see my article: Starting the Day With a Positive Intention).

Create Personal Rituals in a Mindful Way

• Create Personal Rituals: Whereas a routine is a functional, repetitive task to provide structure and efficiency to manage your life, personal rituals are intentional, meaningful actions that provide purpose, emotion and symbolism. Personal rituals are actions you create for yourself and which exist on a continuum from basic to more elaborate. You can take what might otherwise be a mundane task and create a personal ritual. For instance, if you normally drink your tea while being on "autopilot", you can drink your tea in a mindful way by enjoying the quiet of the day, breathing the aroma, feeling the warmth of the tea and noticing the taste (see my articles: The Power of Rituals and The Power of Personal Rituals).

Practice Mindfulness: Be Here Now

• Practice Mindfulness: Much of the distress of being in a transitional state comes from catastrophizing about what might happen. In retrospect, you might discover that many of your fears didn't materialize. So, to stay calm, take a pause and bring your attention to the present moment. Bring your attention to your body to focus on your breathe. If that feels too challenging, choose a color (let's say blue) and count how many things around you are the color blue. This helps you to orient yourself to your present time and place rather than worrying about what might or might not happen in the future (see my article: Being in the Present Moment).

The Hero's Journey

• Express Yourself in Creative Ways: Much of the current literature and entertainment come from "The Hero's Journey", which the American mythologist, Joseph Campbell, wrote about in his book, The Hero of a Thousand Faces. He identified as a pattern in mythology, both ancient tales and modern stories, where the protagonist travels from the "Known World" to the "Unknown World", faces challenges along the way, meets helpers and returns transformed. The creator of Star Wars, George Lukas, was influenced by "The Hero's Journey". You can also reframe a time of being in an in-between space as being on a journey from the "Known World" to the "Unknown World" and how you will be transformed along the way. You can do this by writing, storytelling or drawing.

Get Help in Therapy

• Get Help in Therapy: If you're having a difficult time coping on your own, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who can help you to cope with this difficult time. A skilled psychotherapist can help you to feel emotionally supported and to learn new skills and strategies to cope. So, rather than struggling on your own, seek help so you can live a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have over 25 years of experience helping individual adults and couples to overcome trauma and navigate changes in their life.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

How Does Imagery and Imagination Enhance Your Life 

Overcoming Fear of Change 

Coping With Midlife Transitions

How Does Imagery and Imagination Enhance Psychotherapy?

I have been using imagery and imagination in therapy with my clients for many years (see my article: Using the Imagination as a Powerful Tool For Change).

Imagery and Imagination in Psychotherapy

The Imaginal Realm: Working With Visual Mental Imagery

I recently attended an advanced AEDP (Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy) seminar called "Imaginal Realm: Working With Visual Mental Imagery in AEDP" which was a deep dive into using imagery and imagination (see my article: What is AEDP?).

When I refer to "imagery", I'm not only referring to visual imagery. Aside from visual imagery, many people get non-visual imagery in sessions. 

For instance, some clients get mental representations through sound (hearing music in their mind), scents that can trigger old memories, kinesthetic experiences (feeling movement), tactile experiences, and an embodied or felt sense of conceptual/verbal imagery such as thinking of concepts or having an internal dialog.

During therapy sessions, I sometimes get visual images in my imagination or a song comes to mind. Over the years, I have learned to appreciate these experiences as messages from my unconscious mind because they often tell me what is going on for the client or what is going on between the client and me.

It's not unusual for me to have an image, song or a word in mind and then a few seconds later the client mentions the same image, song or word (see my articles: Synchronicities - Part 1 and Part 2).

Over time, I have learned that these experiences occur when I feel especially attuned to the client. Other therapists, especially therapists who are experiential therapists like me, have told me that they have similar experiences in therapy (see my article: The Psychotherapy Session: A Unique Intersubjective Experience).

The Use of Metaphors in Psychotherapy

Over the years, I have heard clients use many metaphors unprompted by me, including: 

• "It's like searching for the Holy Grail."
• "I'm no longer jumping into the vortex of other people's drama."
• "I feel like I'm trapped in a cage."
• "I'm no longer putting up walls."
• "I walked on eggshells with my ex."
• "I'm drowning in paperwork."
• "I keep hitting my head against a wall."
• "He swept me off my feet."
• "A weight has been lifted off my shoulders."

Metaphors are beneficial in therapy because they can:

• Enhance clients' communication by allowing them to express feelings they might otherwise have a hard time articulating

• Deepen insights that can lead to a reframing of a problem, a relationship or an idea

• Bypass rational defenses offering a way to talk about sensitive subjects and break rigid and unhealthy thought patterns

• Strengthen the therapeutic alliance between client and therapist

How Imagery and Imagination Enhance Psychotherapy

Imagery and imagination can enhance therapy by engaging the emotional brain. This allows clients to access and process unconscious emotions.

It also helps clients to make behavioral changes through mental rehearsal.

Imagery and Imagination in Psychotherapy

An example of how to use mental rehearsal is a client who wants to become more confident to give presentations at work. This client can vividly imagine their "Future Self", who can exist at any time in the future. They can imagine a self who has all the confidence, qualities and skills they would like to have (see my article: Experiencing Your Future Self).

Using imagination in this way can strengthen neural pathways and prepare the brain for success.

Clients can also see and feel themselves walking into the presentation room feeling prepared and confident, speaking with passion and receiving applause after the presentation. They might even imagine their boss coming over and praising the presentation. 

AEDP Portrayals

One of the main components in AEDP is doing "portrayals" in therapy sessions.

AEDP portrayals are active experiential and imaginative enactments in the therapy session.

To set up doing a portrayal an AEDP therapist prepares the client prior to doing the portrayal by:

• Establishing Safety and a Therapeutic Alliance: The therapist establishes an attuned connection with the client to ensure the client feels safe and to prevent them from feeling overwhelmed.

• Identifying the Core Material: In collaboration with the client, the therapist identifies a memory or a part of the client's self that still has an emotional charge.

• Inviting Immersion (The Setup): The therapist invites the client to slow down, close their eyes and visualize the scene using as many sensory details as possible (sight, sound, body sensations and so on).

• Role Playing (Doing the Portrayal): The therapist guides the client to talk to the imagined person or part of themself by expressing vulnerable or assertive feelings they couldn't express in the past. This might involve imagining talking to a frightened younger part of themself, talking to a parent in a memory from the past, confronting someone who abused them and so on.

There are different types of AEDP portrayals including:

• Reparative Portrayals: An example might be a client imagining a new outcome to a painful scene in their life. In this type of portrayal the client can offer themself what might have been needed and lacking in real life to repair emotional damage.

• Internal Parts Work (intra-relational portrayals): Having a dialog with different aspects of themself to resolve internal conflict (similar to Parts Work Therapy/IFS).

Imagery and Imagination: Internal Parts of Self

• Relational Attachment Portrayals: Reenacting relationships to process emotions to attachment figures (e.g., parents, siblings, a ex-lover, etc). 

• Feared Portrayals: Actively engaging with a threatening figure from real life or from a dream to process the emotional impact, reduce shame and anxiety, and to feel empowered.

• Longed-For Portrayals: The client imagines receiving the love, emotional support or validation they desired but never received from a significant person in their life.

• Moment-to-Moment Tracking: Moment-to-moment tracking is an essential part of AEDP whether the interaction involves a portrayal or a conversation between the client  and the therapist in session. This involves the therapist staying closely attuned to the client's facial expressions, movements, emotions and defenses. The therapist also monitors her own mental, emotional, imaginal and bodily sensations.

• Metaprocessing After a Portrayal: The client and therapist process the experience together afterward to help the client to integrate the experience by building a bridge between the client's right brain and left brain. Among other things, the therapist explores with the client what it was like to do the portrayal and, specifically, what it was like for the client to do the portrayal with the therapist. The focus is on what might have changed for the client or what was transformative about the experience. Processing helps the client to hold onto and integrate positive experiences (see my article: How Are Emotions Processed in AEDP?).

Using Imagery and Imagination on Your Own

Aside from the use of imagery and imagination in therapy, athletes  also use mental rehearsal, including visualization, to imagine a successful performance, including overcoming potential obstacles they might encounter. This can help them to build confidence, improve focus and enhance performance.

You can also use your imagination in creative ways on your own to have fun and, if you like, achieve goals.  There are endless ways to use your imagination on your own including:

• Using Creative Visualization For a Hoped-For Outcome: This can involve imagining a hoped-for outcome in your personal life, career or in any other part of your life.

Imagery and Imagination: Hoped-For Outcome

• Imagining "What If" Problem Solving: When you encounter an obstacle, including an internal obstacle, you can imagine "What if there were no limits?" and visualize different solutions, including solutions that might seem unattainable at first but might spark a new perspective.

• Using the "Lightstream" Technique: If you're dealing with stress, you can imagine a soothing, healing light flowing through your body to alleviate stress or physical discomfort.

Future Articles

Using imagery and imagination is one of my favorite topics, so I'll write more about it in future articles.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have over 25 years of experience helping individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

The Mind-Body Connection as a Window Into the Unconscious Mind

Using the Mind-Body Connection to Create the World You Want 

Dreams and Embodied Imagination 

Working With Your Dreams to Develop Your Creative Imagination 

What Are Imaginal Interweaves?  

Books: Imagination and Medicine

Accepting What You Cannot Change is a Form of Change

The Serenity Prayer was written by the American theologian Reinhold Niebuhr in the 1940s. The first part of the Serenity Prayer asks for the "serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference."

Accepting What You Cannot Change is a Form of Change

The Serenity Prayer provides a framework for dealing with life's challenges. The prayer fosters acceptance, courage and wisdom. It also encourages a shift in your focus from what you can't control to what you can control. This helps to relieve anxiety and promote a sense of peace and this is why it's used in 12 Step programs.

Accepting What You Cannot Change is a Form of Change

In addition, the Serenity Prayer can be an effective tool in any mental health treatment because it encourages mindfulness, taking action and finding comfort in a higher power or in a personal philosophy.

Why is Accepting What You Cannot Change is a Form of Change?

Accepting what you cannot change is a form of change because it helps you to shift your internal state from fighting what you cannot change (reality) to changing your perspective.  This frees you up to redirect your energy to what you can control.  

Accepting What You Cannot Change is a Form of Change

This shift in your perspective from struggling to acceptance creates the space to develop new goals, to find peace and build resilience--even though the external situation remains the same.

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many cases, illustrates how accepting what cannot be changed is a form of change:

Jim

When Jim was growing up, his mother was deeply depressed. As a child, he took it upon himself to try to make her feel better by trying to comfort her, but she remained depressed no matter what he did.

His mother spent most of her time in bed because she was so overwhelmed by her depression. Jim's father didn't know how to deal with the mother's depression, so he buried himself in his work and spent as much time as he could at the office and on business trips to escape from the mother.

As an only child, Jim was often alone with his mother. Instead of going out to play with other children, Jim stayed home and laid next to his mother because it was the only way he connect to her emotionally and physically.

On the rare occasions when his mother felt a little better, he would play cards with her, watch her favorite TV shows or tell her jokes to try to make her laugh.

As a young child, he didn't realize that he was sacrificing so much of himself to try to enliven his mother--even though nothing he did helped (see my article: What is Self Abandonment?).

As an adult, Jim never gave up his wish to heal his mother. Although he realized on a certain level that there was nothing he could do for her, especially since she didn't want to get professional help, he kept trying to help her. The wish to help her mother remained strong for him.

Accepting What You Cannot Change is a Form of Change

Since he connected with his mother through her depression, he also felt depressed himself. When he sought help in therapy, initially, he focused on trying to find a way to help his mother.  

Over time, his therapist helped Jim to understand that he had abandoned himself at a young age and sacrificed his childhood by focusing on his mother. Although he realized he missed out on a lot as a child, he felt he couldn't let go of his wish to, somehow, find a way to cure his mother.

He had a strong wish to find just the right words or take the right action that would persuade his mother to get help. Even though he knew logically that he couldn't heal his mother and she probably wouldn't get better if she didn't want to get help, letting go of that wish was very challenging for him. He felt like giving up on that wish would make him disloyal to his mother. He also felt like he would lose the only connection he felt with his mother by giving up on helping her.

Over time, Jim learned to focus on himself more, but it wasn't easy. He developed more of a social life with friends. He began to date. He also developed interests and hobbies that were fulfilling to him.

Gradually, he stopped trying to convince his mother to go to therapy. This letting go brought a lot of grief that he dealt with in his therapy. 

His mother, who refused to get help in therapy, noticed that Jim wasn't trying to persuade her to get help anymore and she asked him why he stopped. He responded by telling her that he was learning to accept that if she didn't want to get help, he had no power to change her mind. 

They remained silent together for a few minutes as they both allowed that thought to sink in. Jim was surprised to hear himself say this and his mother was also surprised.

Jim recognized that by accepting what he couldn't change, he was shifting his perspective, even though it was very sad for him, and he was freeing himself emotionally and psychologically to find inner peace, pursue his own goals and personal growth.

Several weeks after he and his mother had their talk, his mother called him to say she realized she had focused a lot of her energy in pushing against his pleas for her to get help. Now that he was no longer trying to convince her and she was no longer focused on refusing to get help, she realized she needed help for her depression, so she made an appointment with a therapist who specialized in depression.

Jim worked in his therapy to overcome the trauma he took on when he took on his mother's depression as a child. His therapist used EMDR Therapy and Parts Work Therapy to help him to heal.

His work in therapy was neither quick nor easy, but he felt himself gradually coming alive in ways he had not experienced before. 

Conclusion

The Serenity Prayer encourages accepting the things that cannot be changed and this is a wise philosophy, but it's not always easy to know what can be changed and what cannot be changed. This is usually a process that each individual explores and comes to their own conclusions.

On a superficial level, accepting what cannot be changed is often seen as passive behavior--a kind of giving up as if the individual isn't doing anything. But the reality is that acceptance of what cannot be changed is an active process where individuals explore their inner world as well as the external world they're trying to change.

As in the vignette above, sometimes trying to change someone who is depressed or struggling with other psychological problems is a way of remaining emotionally attached to them. In the composite vignette above the only way for Jim, as a child, to have an emotional attachment with his mother was to remain immersed in her depression and to try to help her, which would have been impossible for a child.

The wish to try to change someone can be so strong that it eclipses everything else. The intention of the wish usually comes from a loving place, but it's often not realistic, especially if the other person doesn't want to be helped.

Getting to point of acceptance can be a long process, but it's an active process of self examination and coming to grips with reality.  This often involves working on longstanding unresolved trauma.

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

If you're struggling with unresolved trauma, you could benefit from working with a trauma therapist.

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who specializes in trauma therapy.

Freeing yourself from a traumatic history can allow you to live a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

As a trauma therapist, I have helped many individual adults and couples to overcome a traumatic history.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How to Decide Whether to Give a Former Relationship a Second Chance

Second chance relationships are common. Some studies show that nearly half of young couples and a third of cohabitating older couples get back together after a breakup. 

Second Chance Relationships

About 40% of couples who are going through the divorce process express an interest in reconciliation.

Let's start by defining second chance relationships.

What is a Second Chance Relationship?

A second chance relationship is when a couple who broke up get back together again after a period of separation.

Under these circumstances, the two former partners usually decide to forgive each other and make an attempt to grow from the situation by trying to work on the problems they had when they were together before.  

How Can You Decide Whether to Give Your Former Partner a Second Chance?

It's important to assess the situation objectively before you give your former relationship a second chance.

Here are some factors to consider:

• Low Quality Relationships: An on again, off again relationship often has a poor chance of surviving a real second chance. 

• Trust Issues: Rebuilding trust can be a challenge, especially if the breakup was due to cheating, betrayal or other trust issues.

• A Toxic Relationship: If the relationship was abusive, a second chance is usually not advisable. Your mental, emotional, psychological and physical health are important.

Second Chance Relationships

• Non-negotiables: Think about whether there were non-negotiable issues the first time around.  For example, if one of you really wants to have children and the other is adamant about not having children, this is a non-negotiable issue if neither of you changes your mind. If those issues still exist, it's usually not advisable to give the relationship a second chance because you will both be dealing with the same issues you couldn't work out the first time.

• Learning From the Past: Have each of you taken responsibility for your share of the problems the first time around? If one or both of you hasn't learned from the mistakes of the past, it's unlikely that a second chance relationship will work out (see my article: Learning From Past Relationships).

• Forgiveness: Have you both learned to forgive the mistakes of the other from the first time around? Are you both capable of moving past the hurt and resentment from the past. If not, it's going to be challenging to have a second chance relationship (see my article: The Psychological Stages of Forgiveness).

• Commitment to Change: Each of you must be willing to make a commitment to change what didn't work in the past. That might mean each of you doing your own work on your personal growth so you don't repeat the same mistakes from the past.

• Making Sure You're Not Getting Back Together For the Wrong Reasons: If one or both of you wants to get back together for the wrong reasons, chances are that the relationship won't work out the second time. The wrong reasons can include: 

• Desperation or Loneliness: A second chance relationship might provide temporary relief from desperation and loneliness, but if you have the same relationship problems as you did the first time, it's probably not going to work out.  

• Fear of Being Alone: If one or both of you are getting back together because you're afraid of being alone, chances are you're going to face the same problems you did the first time. 

• Believing Things Will Change Without Making an Effort: If you or your former partner have convinced yourself that, somehow, the problems you had in the past will change without either of you making an effort, this is magical thinking and a second chance probably won't work out.

Getting Help in Therapy

It can be difficult to put aside your emotions to evaluate whether or not a former relationship is worth giving a second chance. A strong wish to get back together can cloud your judgment.

Getting Help in Therapy

Working with a licensed mental health professional can help you to evaluate the situation objectively so you don't put yourself at risk for another heartbreak.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from an experienced psychotherapist who can help you to make a decision that is right for your emotional and psychological well-being.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), IFS, Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.