Accepting What You Cannot Change is a Form of Change

The Serenity Prayer was written by the American theologian Reinhold Niebuhr in the 1940s. The first part of the Serenity Prayer asks for the "serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference."

Accepting What You Cannot Change is a Form of Change

The Serenity Prayer provides a framework for dealing with life's challenges. The prayer fosters acceptance, courage and wisdom. It also encourages a shift in your focus from what you can't control to what you can control. This helps to relieve anxiety and promote a sense of peace and this is why it's used in 12 Step programs.

Accepting What You Cannot Change is a Form of Change

In addition, the Serenity Prayer can be an effective tool in any mental health treatment because it encourages mindfulness, taking action and finding comfort in a higher power or in a personal philosophy.

Why is Accepting What You Cannot Change is a Form of Change?

Accepting what you cannot change is a form of change because it helps you to shift your internal state from fighting what you cannot change (reality) to changing your perspective.  This frees you up to redirect your energy to what you can control.  

Accepting What You Cannot Change is a Form of Change

This shift in your perspective from struggling to acceptance creates the space to develop new goals, to find peace and build resilience--even though the external situation remains the same.

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many cases, illustrates how accepting what cannot be changed is a form of change:

Jim

When Jim was growing up, his mother was deeply depressed. As a child, he took it upon himself to try to make her feel better by trying to comfort her, but she remained depressed no matter what he did.

His mother spent most of her time in bed because she was so overwhelmed by her depression. Jim's father didn't know how to deal with the mother's depression, so he buried himself in his work and spent as much time as he could at the office and on business trips to escape from the mother.

As an only child, Jim was often alone with his mother. Instead of going out to play with other children, Jim stayed home and laid next to his mother because it was the only way he connect to her emotionally and physically.

On the rare occasions when his mother felt a little better, he would play cards with her, watch her favorite TV shows or tell her jokes to try to make her laugh.

As a young child, he didn't realize that he was sacrificing so much of himself to try to enliven his mother--even though nothing he did helped (see my article: What is Self Abandonment?).

As an adult, Jim never gave up his wish to heal his mother. Although he realized on a certain level that there was nothing he could do for her, especially since she didn't want to get professional help, he kept trying to help her. The wish to help her mother remained strong for him.

Accepting What You Cannot Change is a Form of Change

Since he connected with his mother through her depression, he also felt depressed himself. When he sought help in therapy, initially, he focused on trying to find a way to help his mother.  

Over time, his therapist helped Jim to understand that he had abandoned himself at a young age and sacrificed his childhood by focusing on his mother. Although he realized he missed out on a lot as a child, he felt he couldn't let go of his wish to, somehow, find a way to cure his mother.

He had a strong wish to find just the right words or take the right action that would persuade his mother to get help. Even though he knew logically that he couldn't heal his mother and she probably wouldn't get better if she didn't want to get help, letting go of that wish was very challenging for him. He felt like giving up on that wish would make him disloyal to his mother. He also felt like he would lose the only connection he felt with his mother by giving up on helping her.

Over time, Jim learned to focus on himself more, but it wasn't easy. He developed more of a social life with friends. He began to date. He also developed interests and hobbies that were fulfilling to him.

Gradually, he stopped trying to convince his mother to go to therapy. This letting go brought a lot of grief that he dealt with in his therapy. 

His mother, who refused to get help in therapy, noticed that Jim wasn't trying to persuade her to get help anymore and she asked him why he stopped. He responded by telling her that he was learning to accept that if she didn't want to get help, he had no power to change her mind. 

They remained silent together for a few minutes as they both allowed that thought to sink in. Jim was surprised to hear himself say this and his mother was also surprised.

Jim recognized that by accepting what he couldn't change, he was shifting his perspective, even though it was very sad for him, and he was freeing himself emotionally and psychologically to find inner peace, pursue his own goals and personal growth.

Several weeks after he and his mother had their talk, his mother called him to say she realized she had focused a lot of her energy in pushing against his pleas for her to get help. Now that he was no longer trying to convince her and she was no longer focused on refusing to get help, she realized she needed help for her depression, so she made an appointment with a therapist who specialized in depression.

Jim worked in his therapy to overcome the trauma he took on when he took on his mother's depression as a child. His therapist used EMDR Therapy and Parts Work Therapy to help him to heal.

His work in therapy was neither quick nor easy, but he felt himself gradually coming alive in ways he had not experienced before. 

Conclusion

The Serenity Prayer encourages accepting the things that cannot be changed and this is a wise philosophy, but it's not always easy to know what can be changed and what cannot be changed. This is usually a process that each individual explores and comes to their own conclusions.

On a superficial level, accepting what cannot be changed is often seen as passive behavior--a kind of giving up as if the individual isn't doing anything. But the reality is that acceptance of what cannot be changed is an active process where individuals explore their inner world as well as the external world they're trying to change.

As in the vignette above, sometimes trying to change someone who is depressed or struggling with other psychological problems is a way of remaining emotionally attached to them. In the composite vignette above the only way for Jim, as a child, to have an emotional attachment with his mother was to remain immersed in her depression and to try to help her, which would have been impossible for a child.

The wish to try to change someone can be so strong that it eclipses everything else. The intention of the wish usually comes from a loving place, but it's often not realistic, especially if the other person doesn't want to be helped.

Getting to point of acceptance can be a long process, but it's an active process of self examination and coming to grips with reality.  This often involves working on longstanding unresolved trauma.

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

If you're struggling with unresolved trauma, you could benefit from working with a trauma therapist.

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who specializes in trauma therapy.

Freeing yourself from a traumatic history can allow you to live a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

As a trauma therapist, I have helped many individual adults and couples to overcome a traumatic history.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How to Decide Whether to Give a Former Relationship a Second Chance

Second chance relationships are common. Some studies show that nearly half of young couples and a third of cohabitating older couples get back together after a breakup. 

Second Chance Relationships

About 40% of couples who are going through the divorce process express an interest in reconciliation.

Let's start by defining second chance relationships.

What is a Second Chance Relationship?

A second chance relationship is when a couple who broke up get back together again after a period of separation.

Under these circumstances, the two former partners usually decide to forgive each other and make an attempt to grow from the situation by trying to work on the problems they had when they were together before.  

How Can You Decide Whether to Give Your Former Partner a Second Chance?

It's important to assess the situation objectively before you give your former relationship a second chance.

Here are some factors to consider:

• Low Quality Relationships: An on again, off again relationship often has a poor chance of surviving a real second chance. 

• Trust Issues: Rebuilding trust can be a challenge, especially if the breakup was due to cheating, betrayal or other trust issues.

• A Toxic Relationship: If the relationship was abusive, a second chance is usually not advisable. Your mental, emotional, psychological and physical health are important.

Second Chance Relationships

• Non-negotiables: Think about whether there were non-negotiable issues the first time around.  For example, if one of you really wants to have children and the other is adamant about not having children, this is a non-negotiable issue if neither of you changes your mind. If those issues still exist, it's usually not advisable to give the relationship a second chance because you will both be dealing with the same issues you couldn't work out the first time.

• Learning From the Past: Have each of you taken responsibility for your share of the problems the first time around? If one or both of you hasn't learned from the mistakes of the past, it's unlikely that a second chance relationship will work out (see my article: Learning From Past Relationships).

• Forgiveness: Have you both learned to forgive the mistakes of the other from the first time around? Are you both capable of moving past the hurt and resentment from the past. If not, it's going to be challenging to have a second chance relationship (see my article: The Psychological Stages of Forgiveness).

• Commitment to Change: Each of you must be willing to make a commitment to change what didn't work in the past. That might mean each of you doing your own work on your personal growth so you don't repeat the same mistakes from the past.

• Making Sure You're Not Getting Back Together For the Wrong Reasons: If one or both of you wants to get back together for the wrong reasons, chances are that the relationship won't work out the second time. The wrong reasons can include: 

• Desperation or Loneliness: A second chance relationship might provide temporary relief from desperation and loneliness, but if you have the same relationship problems as you did the first time, it's probably not going to work out.  

• Fear of Being Alone: If one or both of you are getting back together because you're afraid of being alone, chances are you're going to face the same problems you did the first time. 

• Believing Things Will Change Without Making an Effort: If you or your former partner have convinced yourself that, somehow, the problems you had in the past will change without either of you making an effort, this is magical thinking and a second chance probably won't work out.

Getting Help in Therapy

It can be difficult to put aside your emotions to evaluate whether or not a former relationship is worth giving a second chance. A strong wish to get back together can cloud your judgment.

Getting Help in Therapy

Working with a licensed mental health professional can help you to evaluate the situation objectively so you don't put yourself at risk for another heartbreak.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from an experienced psychotherapist who can help you to make a decision that is right for your emotional and psychological well-being.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), IFS, Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: You Can't "Fix" Your Partner. Focus on Yourself Instead

Many people believe they can change partner into being the person they want them to be. They believe that love alone will change their partner into being the partner they want. But trying to "fix" your partner is usually doomed to failure if they don't want to change.

You Can't "Fix" Your Partner

Why You Can't Change Your Partner If They Don't Want to Change

• Change Must Be Internally Motivated: Your partner needs to have internal motivation to change for lasting change to occur. They might change temporarily to appease you, but for lasting change to occur, they need to be internally motivated.

• Deep-seated Behavior is Difficult to Change: Behavior which is rooted in the past isn't easily changed just because you want your partner to change.

• Your Pressure Can Create Resentment: You might think you can "fix" your partner, but your partner might resent you for it, which makes change even harder.

• Love Isn't a Motivator For Change: If you're telling your partner they would change if they loved you, you're not understanding how change occurs. They can't do it for you--no matter how much they love you. They need to want to do it for themself.

What Can You Do Instead of Pressuring Your Partner to Change?

• Change Your Own "Dance Steps": Instead of focusing on changing your partner, focus on changing yourself. The late Sue Johnson, Ph.D., who developed Emotion Focused Therapy (EFT) For Couples, talked about the "EFT Tango" as a metaphor for the dance that couples do as part of the structured interventions that couples do together. She advised clients to change their own "dance steps" regardless of what the other partner does. When you change your own "dance steps", you change the dynamic in your relationship. This opens up a space for your partner to change--if they want to change.

• Communicate Your Needs Clearly: Express your needs in a clear and vulnerable way. Expressing your needs is more effective than criticizing or nagging your partner.
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• Set Boundaries: Be clear on what you will and will not put up with, especially if your partner's behavior is hurtful to you (see my article: Setting Boundaries in Your Relationship).

• Offer Support; Instead of criticizing or pressuring, offer your support for whatever change your partner is willing to make. Offering encouragement is different from trying to force change.

• Manage Your Expectations: Once you accept that you can't change your partner's behavior, you might experience a reduction in your resentment. This doesn't mean you have to put up with hurtful behavior. Instead, it means that you realize your partner has to want to change and until they do, you can't "fix" them.

• Decide If the Relationship Is Right For You: If you find yourself constantly wanting your partner to change, this could be a sign that you and your partner have different values and the relationship isn't right for you. You have to decide whether your partner's behavior is a dealbreaker for you.

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette illustrates the dynamics mentioned above. As always, this vignette is a composite of many different cases to protect confidentiality:

Agnes and Bill:

Five years into their marriage, Agnes realized Bill's drinking had increased over time.  He would often come home from a stressful day of work and spend the night drinking.

You Can't "Fix" Your Partner

When Agnes complained to Bill, she felt he was giving her lip service to stop drinking, but he continued to get drunk every night. No amount of nagging and complaining stopped his behavior. She told him that if he loved her, he would change, but this didn't work either--even though she knew he loved her very much.

When she realized she couldn't change Bill, Agnes decided to get support in her own individual therapy. Over time, Agnes realized in therapy that she couldn't change Bill's behavior because he didn't want to stop drinking, so she worked on improving her own life. She began working out at the gym, seeing friends more often and developing new hobbies.

After a while, Bill felt increasingly lonely as he watched Agnes' life flourish. Since he wanted to save his marriage and his doctor told him that his drinking had increased his blood pressure problems, he considered cutting back on alcohol. But when he realized he couldn't cut back on his own, he sought help in his own therapy with a therapist who was knowledgeable about alcoholism.

Gradually, Bill learned new coping skills and strategies in his individual therapy and he was able to stop drinking. 

When they were both ready, Bill and Agnes began couples therapy to improve their relationship. They both learned new tools so they could have a more meaningful relationship.

Conclusion

You can't change your partner unless they are internally motivated to change.

Instead of focusing on trying to "fix" your partner, focus on yourself.

Individual therapy can help you to focus on yourself and, eventually, to decide whether you want to remain in your relationship.

Get Help in Therapy

Rather than focusing on "fixing" your partner, get help in individual therapy to work on yourself.

Get Help in Therapy

Individual therapy can help you to develop the tools and strategies you need to feel more confident and make major decisions.

If your partner is willing, you can both participate in couples therapy to work on your relationship. 

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work, Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: Are You Overfunctioning For Your Partner?

What is Overfunctioning in a Relationship?

Overfunctioning is a term used to describe when one partner is carrying the bulk of responsibilities, initiates difficult conversations and attempts to resolve problems in the relationship and in the household (see my article: Overcoming the Negative Cycle That Keeps You Both Stuck).

Are You Overfunctioning For Your Partner?

Why Does Overfunctioning Occur in a Relationship?

There are many ways a couple can get into a dynamic where one of them is overfunctioning and the other is underfunctioning.

As responsibilities increase, life becomes more complex so there are more household chores and responsibilities:

• Doing household chores
• Paying bills
• Remembering children's playdates and getting them there
• Remembering the children's doctors' appointments and getting them there

Are You Overfunctioning For Your Partner?

• Getting birthday gifts for the children's friends and getting the children to friends' birthday parties
• Being responsible for going to parent-teacher conferences
• Remembering grandparents' birthdays and anniversaries and getting gifts
• Work-related tasks
• And on and on

It's common for one person in the relationship to take on these and other responsibilities while the other partner takes on few, if any, responsibilities. 

The relationship you witnessed in your family of origin can also influence whether you become the overfunctioner or the underfunctioner based on traditions, culture and outdated gender roles.

This dynamic can resemble a mother-child relationship where the overfunctioner is in the role of the mother and the underfunctioner is in role of the child.

This often affects the dynamic in the bedroom because no one wants to make love to their parent or their child (see my article: Behaving Like a Parent to Your Partner Could Be Ruining Your Relationship).

As the overfunctioner becomes overwhelmed by the tasks and responsibilities they have taken on, resentment builds and conflict can grow.

Signs You Have Taken on the Role of the Overfunctioner

• You're the One Who Does Most or All the Chores and Carry the Mental Load: You clean, pay the bills, take care of the children, do the laundry and so on and you probably have a job outside the home with its own responsibilities (see my article: Sharing the Mental Load).

• You Assume That If You Take a Break, Things Will Fall Apart: You're aware doing everything with little or any participation from your partner, but you're afraid that if you take a break, everything will fall apart.

Are You Overfunctioning For Your Partner

• You Feel Angry and Resentful About the Role You Have Taken On: You feel taken for granted and unappreciated by your partner because you have taken on more than your fair share of responsibilities. 

• You Have Lost Sight of Your Own Needs: Since you're focused on doing everything else, you don't recognize your own needs which can lead to a diminishment of self and lack of fulfillment.

• You Don't Feel Like Being Intimate With Your Partner: Since you're probably exhausted, frustrated, angry and irritable, you don't feel like being emotionally or sexually intimate with your partner. Emotional distance between you and your partner can grow to the point where you feel like you're just two people co-existing in the same household (see my article: Have You and Your Partner Stopped Having Sex?).

How Can You and Your Partner Disrupt the Overfunctioning-Underfunctioning Dynamic?

It takes two people to create their dynamic and the dynamic between you and your partner didn't develop overnight and it won't change overnight.

If the two of you were dance partners and you changed what you did, your partner would have to change too (see my article: Breaking the Negative Cycle in Your Relationship).

This is similar to what Emotionally Focused Therapy for Couples describes as the pursuer-withdrawer dynamic with the overfunctioner being in the pursuer role and the underfunctioner being in the withdrawer role. 

If You're the Overfunctioner:

• Consider how you might be able to experiment:
• What chores or responsibilities can you back off from, let go of and surrender to your partner? 
• This might mean that certain things fall through the cracks. 

Are You Overfunctioning For Your Partner?

• Be aware that stepping back and allowing your partner to take the lead with certain tasks will probably feel uncomfortable at first, but don't give in to the urge to take it over again. You will feel resentful and you will be belittling your partner as if they were a child.

• You might feel some anxiety about the change.

• Don't be critical or judgmental if your partner takes on a task and their standards aren't up to yours. Unless it's a safety matter. Then, you can tactfully show your partner how you have performed this task or chore in a safe way, but avoid criticism so your partner doesn't consciously or unconsciously avoid the task.

If You're the Underfunctioner:

• Challenge yourself to consider where you can step up to take on responsibilities. 

• You might experience discomfort at first because you're not accustomed to taking on responsibilities, but you'll adjust.

• Don't wait to be told each time if you have agreed to take on a certain responsibility.

• Remember you're an adult, so avoid getting into the child role with your partner.

• Don't get defensive if your partner tactfully explains why it's safer to do certain chores or handle certain responsibilities in a particular way (e.g., don't leave the baby alone in a hot car and other similar safety issues).

• Don't wait until you "feel like" doing a chore. Just do it. After a while, you'll get accustomed to doing it even if you "don't feel like it."

• Be proud, rather than feeling ashamed, that you're taking on more adult responsibilities.

For Both the Overfunctioner and the Underfunctioner: Develop An Agreement:

• Set a time aside when you won't be interrupted and talk about the inequity of your situation and how you each feel about making changes.

• Approach the change as two people who are on the same team. Teamwork is essential when you're making these kinds of changes.

• Approach the conversation with curiosity about how your partner feels instead of criticism.

• Talk about which one of you is overfunctioning or which one is underfunctioning from each of your perspectives and how you each contribute to the dynamic.

• Agree to shake things up.

• Remember: If one of you starts doing a different "dance step", your partner will have to change too.

• Get specific:
• What will you do differently?
• How long will you experiment with the change?
• When will you follow up with each other to determine if you need to tweak or overhaul your plan?

Get Help in Couples Therapy

On the surface, it might not seem like it would be complicated to change the overfunctioning-underfunctioning dynamic, but there are usually other underlying dynamics including personal beliefs, gender norms, cultural issues, family history and other factors.

If you and your partner are getting stuck, you could benefit from working with an experienced couples therapist to help you overcome the obstacles that keep you both stuck.

If your sex life has been affected by these problems, seek the help of a couples therapist who is a Certified Sex Therapist.

Rather than struggling on your own and remaining stuck, get help sooner rather than later so you can both have a more meaningful experience in your relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

With over 20 years of experience, I have helped many individuals and couples to overcome their problems.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

What Do Couples Talk About in Couples Therapy?

Tips on How to Get the Most Out of Couples Therapy

Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples Can Help Change a Negative Dynamic in a Relationship

What is Sex Therapy?

 

What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?

What Are the Most Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?

Relationships: How to Rebuild Trust After You Have Betrayed Your Partner

Several years ago I wrote an article about rebuilding trust after a betrayal in a relationship focusing on the person who was betrayed. 

In the current article I'm focusing on how the person who betrayed their partner can try to rebuild trust.

Rebuilding Trust After You Betrayed Your Partner

How Can You Rebuild Trust in Your Relationship After You Have Betrayed Your Partner?

If you have betrayed your partner and your partner is willing to give you a second chance, be aware that this can be a delicate time in your relationship.

Even if you both want to try to work it out, it might not last. The reason for this is that many couples who try to work on their relationship after a betrayal discover the road to rebuilding trust is harder than they anticipated and they just can't get there.

Rebuilding Trust After You Have Betrayed Your Partner

If you're sincere and you're both willing to do the work, here are some suggestions that can help:

• Listen to Your Partner Express Their Pain: You need to listen to your partner express the pain you caused them without getting defensive or making excuses. This often involves more than just one conversation, but if you want to regain your partner's trust, you need to be attuned to their pain. Your partner might need time to fully realize the affect of this betrayal, what it meant to them and how they will express it to you. Allow them the time and space to do it.

Rebuilding Trust After You Have Betrayed Your Partner

• Acknowledge the Harm You Did and Validate Your Partner's Feelings: After you have listened attentively without getting defensive, be open and honest in acknowledging the pain you caused your partner. Let your partner know you're aware of how much you hurt them.  

• Offer a Sincere Apology: Saying "I'm sorry" once is unlikely to be enough. You might need to express your genuine remorse for your betrayal more than once and over time.

• Be Open to Talk to Your Partner About How the Two of You Got to This Point: It's important that you take responsibility for your actions without any excuses. But it's also important, when the time is right, for the two of you to talk about how you both got to this point in your relationship. If it's too difficult for the two of you to do this on your own, consider couples therapy where a a licensed mental health professional can help you both to have these difficult conversations, work towards healing and begin the process of rebuilding trust.

Rebuilding Trust After You Have Betrayed Your Partner

• Be Consistent and Dependable: Keep your promises. Maintain whatever commitments you made to your partner. These include both big and small commitments. Be predictable in your behavior--show up when you say you're going to show up and do what you said you would do. You need to demonstrate to your partner that you're trustworthy.

• Communicate Openly and Honestly: Share your thoughts and feelings and be an active listener when your partner communicates with you--even though it might be hard to hear how much pain you caused them.

Rebuilding Trust After You Have Betrayed Your Partner

• Reflect on Your Behavior and How You Need to Change: Examine your behavior and address patterns you need to change.

• Make a Commitment For Positive Change: Be sincere about making positive changes and then show your partner how you're making these changes.

Rebuilding Trust After You Betrayed Your Partner

• Provide Reassurance: In the aftermath of your betrayal, your partner will probably need more reassurance from you than before they discovered the betrayal. So, find ways to show you care. Create an atmosphere of safety so that, over time, your partner can regain trust in you.

• Work on Developing a Better Connection With Your Partner: Create positive shared experiences together to reinforce your bond.

• Be Patient and Allow Time For Healing: Healing after a betrayal is a process and the process can't be put on a timetable. There is no quick fix. Once trust has been broken, it takes time to heal and everyone heals in their own time.

What If You and Your Partner Discover Your Relationship is Beyond Repair?

As mentioned above, it's not always possible to rebuild trust--even when both people really try.

There are times when both people make a genuine effort to rebuild trust, but in the process they discover they have reached an impasse. 

Your Relationship Might Be Beyond Repair

For instance, your partner might realize they really can't overcome their hurt and resentment or you might realize you're not willing or able to make the necessary changes needed to rebuild trust.

At that point, you should both attempt to separate in a way that doesn't cause any additional pain.

Once you have decided to end the relationship, be clear about boundaries.

Take Time to Grieve

Take time to grieve the end of the relationship. 

Practice self care. 

Seek emotional support from people close to you.

Consider getting help from a licensed mental health professional to help you heal.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing, Parts Work Therapist (IFS and Ego States Therapy) and a Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also see my article:

What Do You Consider Cheating?

How Does Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy (AEDP) Work?

In the past, I have described Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy (AEDP) in two prior articles:

What is Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy and How Does It Heal - Part 1

What is Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy and How Does It Heal - Part 2

How Does AEDP Work?

In the current article, I'm focusing on how AEDP works and going into more detail.

AEDP to Overcome Unresolved Trauma

AEDP is a therapeutic modality that focuses on helping clients to process and transform traumatic experiences in a safe and supportive environment (see my article: Why Experiential Therapy is More Effective to Overcome Trauma Than Regular Talk Therapy).

Here are some of the basics about how AEDP works:

• Building a Secure Therapeutic Relationship: An essential part of AEDP is developing a strong, trusting bond between the client and the therapist. The therapist becomes a secure base for emotional exploration and healing by providing empathy, validation and emotional support so that the client feels safe enough to share vulnerable feelings.

AEDP to Overcome Unresolved Trauma

• Helping Clients to Identify, Connect With and Process Core Emotions: Rather than just talking about emotions in an intellectual way, AEDP focuses on experiencing and processing emotions in the here-and-now with the therapist. This involves becoming aware and processing suppressed emotions related to traumatic experiences. 

• Working Through Defensive Mechanisms That No Longer Work: Clients learn to recognize, understand and modify defense mechanisms that might have served them as part of their survival strategy earlier in life but no longer work for them now.

AEDP to Overcome Unresolved Trauma

• Accessing Transformational Affects: AEDP helps clients to access positive emotions, like joy, love and compassion, which can empower clients to heal unresolved trauma and make positive changes (see my article: How Glimmers Give You a Sense of Ease, Safety and Joy).

• Metaprocessing: This involves reflecting on the therapeutic process including the client's emotional experiences in AEDP therapy, the therapist's interventions and the therapeutic alliance between the client and therapist. This helps clients to develop insight into their emotional patterns and how they apply them to other relationships.

What Experiential Techniques Does AEDP Use?

AEDP's experiential techniques include:

• Mind-Body Focused Techniques: An AEDP therapist helps the client to become aware of bodily sensations and how these sensations relate to their emotional experiences (see my article: The Mind-Body Connection: The Body Offers a Window Into the Unconscious Mind).

• Guided Imagery and Visualization: An AEDP therapist helps clients to process emotions with guided imagery and visualization exercises.

• Role Playing and Other Interactive Exercises: The therapist helps clients to practice new emotional responses and behaviors in a safe therapeutic environment.

How Does AEDP Help Clients to Have Transformational Experiences?

• Developing Greater Emotional Awareness and Emotional Regulation: Clients learn to identify, manage and regulate their emotions more effectively.

• Strengthening a Sense of Self and Building Resilience: When clients process difficult  emotions related to trauma, they develop a greater sense of self acceptance and capacity to cope with challenges.

• Creating More Fulfilling Relationships: By addressing attachment wounds and developing healthier emotional patterns, clients can develop secure and more fulfilling relationships.

Conclusion

Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy (AEDP) is a dynamic and experiential approach which facilitates deep emotional healing by creating a safe therapeutic space for clients to explore, process and transform unresolved trauma and current emotional challenges.

Getting Help in AEDP Therapy

If you have been struggling on your own to overcome unresolved trauma, you could benefit from working with an AEDP therapist.

Getting Help in AEDP Therapy

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help in AEDP therapy so you can live a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

Riding the Waves From Trauma to Transformation

What's the Difference Between "Bottom Up" and "Top Down" Approaches to Trauma Therapy?