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Overfunctioning is a term used to describe when one partner is carrying the bulk of responsibilities, initiates difficult conversations and attempts to resolve problems in the relationship and in the household (see my article: Overcoming the Negative Cycle That Keeps You Both Stuck).
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| Are You Overfunctioning For Your Partner? |
Why Does Overfunctioning Occur in a Relationship?
There are many ways a couple can get into a dynamic where one of them is overfunctioning and the other is underfunctioning.
As responsibilities increase, life becomes more complex so there are more household chores and responsibilities:
- Doing household chores
- Paying bills
- Remembering children's playdates and getting them there
- Remembering the children's doctors' appointments and getting them there
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| Are You Overfunctioning For Your Partner? |
- Getting birthday gifts for the children's friends and getting the children to friends' birthday parties
- Being responsible for going to parent-teacher conferences
- Remembering grandparents' birthdays and anniversaries and getting gifts
- Work-related tasks
- And on and on
It's common for one person in the relationship to take on these and other responsibilities while the other partner takes on few, if any, responsibilities.
The relationship you witnessed in your family of origin can also influence whether you become the overfunctioner or the underfunctioner based on traditions, culture and outdated gender roles.
This dynamic can resemble a mother-child relationship where the overfunctioner is in the role of the mother and the underfunctioner is in role of the child.
This often affects the dynamic in the bedroom because no one wants to make love to their parent or their child (see my article: Behaving Like a Parent to Your Partner Could Be Ruining Your Relationship).
As the overfunctioner becomes overwhelmed by the tasks and responsibilities they have taken on, resentment builds and conflict can grow.
Signs You Have Taken on the Role of the Overfunctioner
- You're the One Who Does Most or All the Chores and Carry the Mental Load: You clean, pay the bills, take care of the children, do the laundry and so on and you probably have a job outside the home with its own responsibilities (see my article: Sharing the Mental Load).
- You Assume That If You Take a Break, Things Will Fall Apart: You're aware doing everything with little or any participation from your partner, but you're afraid that if you take a break, everything will fall apart.
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| Are You Overfunctioning For Your Partner |
- You Feel Angry and Resentful About the Role You Have Taken On: You feel taken for granted and unappreciated by your partner because you have taken on more than your fair share of responsibilities.
- You Have Lost Sight of Your Own Needs: Since you're focused on doing everything else, you don't recognize your own needs which can lead to a diminishment of self and lack of fulfillment.
- You Don't Feel Like Being Intimate With Your Partner: Since you're probably exhausted, frustrated, angry and irritable, you don't feel like being emotionally or sexually intimate with your partner. Emotional distance between you and your partner can grow to the point where you feel like you're just two people co-existing in the same household (see my article: Have You and Your Partner Stopped Having Sex?).
How Can You and Your Partner Disrupt the Overfunctioning-Underfunctioning Dynamic?
It takes two people to create their dynamic and the dynamic between you and your partner didn't develop overnight and it won't change overnight.
If the two of you were dance partners and you changed what you did, your partner would have to change too (see my article: Breaking the Negative Cycle in Your Relationship).
This is similar to what Emotionally Focused Therapy for Couples describes as the pursuer-withdrawer dynamic with the overfunctioner being in the pursuer role and the underfunctioner being in the withdrawer role.
If You're the Overfunctioner:
- Consider how you might be able to experiment:
- What chores or responsibilities can you back off from, let go of and surrender to your partner?
- This might mean that certain things fall through the cracks.
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| Are You Overfunctioning For Your Partner? |
- Be aware that stepping back and allowing your partner to take the lead with certain tasks will probably feel uncomfortable at first, but don't give in to the urge to take it over again. You will feel resentful and you will be belittling your partner as if they were a child.
- You might feel some anxiety about the change.
- Don't be critical or judgmental if your partner takes on a task and their standards aren't up to yours. Unless it's a safety matter. Then, you can tactfully show your partner how you have performed this task or chore in a safe way, but avoid criticism so your partner doesn't consciously or unconsciously avoid the task.
If You're the Underfunctioner:
- Challenge yourself to consider where you can step up to take on responsibilities.
- You might experience discomfort at first because you're not accustomed to taking on responsibilities, but you'll adjust.
- Don't wait to be told each time if you have agreed to take on a certain responsibility.
- Remember you're an adult, so avoid getting into the child role with your partner.
- Don't get defensive if your partner tactfully explains why it's safer to do certain chores or handle certain responsibilities in a particular way (e.g., don't leave the baby alone in a hot car and other similar safety issues).
- Don't wait until you "feel like" doing a chore. Just do it. After a while, you'll get accustomed to doing it even if you "don't feel like it."
- Be proud, rather than feeling ashamed, that you're taking on more adult responsibilities.
For Both the Overfunctioner and the Underfunctioner: Develop An Agreement:
- Set a time aside when you won't be interrupted and talk about the inequity of your situation and how you each feel about making changes.
- Approach the change as two people who are on the same team. Teamwork is essential when you're making these kinds of changes.
- Approach the conversation with curiosity about how your partner feels instead of criticism.
- Talk about which one of you is overfunctioning or which one is underfunctioning from each of your perspectives and how you each contribute to the dynamic.
- Agree to shake things up.
- Remember: If one of you starts doing a different "dance step", your partner will have to change too.
- Get specific:
- What will you do differently?
- How long will you experiment with the change?
- When will you follow up with each other to determine if you need to tweak or overhaul your plan?
Get Help in Couples Therapy
On the surface, it might not seem like it would be complicated to change the overfunctioning-underfunctioning dynamic, but there are usually other underlying dynamics including personal beliefs, gender norms, cultural issues, family history and other factors.
If you and your partner are getting stuck, you could benefit from working with an experienced couples therapist to help you overcome the obstacles that keep you both stuck.
If your sex life has been affected by these problems, seek the help of a couples therapist who is a Certified Sex Therapist.
Rather than struggling on your own and remaining stuck, get help sooner rather than later so you can both have a more meaningful experience in your relationship.
About Me
I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.
I work with individual adults and couples.
With over 20 years of experience, I have helped many individuals and couples to overcome their problems.
To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.
To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.
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