What is Transference in Relationships?

I discussed the topic of transference in prior articles as it relates to psychotherapy (see the list of articles at the end of this article).

In the current article, I'm focusing on transference in relationships.

Aside from the transference that clients experience in therapy, transference can also occur in everyday relationships, especially romantic relationships.

Transference in Relationships

In general, transference occurs on an unconscious level when you redirect feelings, attitudes and behavior from the past onto a person in your current life. These can be both positive and negative feelings.

Transference can cause you to react to someone in your current life as if they were someone from your past.  Transference tends to happen more in intimate relationships.

This often leads to misunderstandings in your relationship and emotional responses that don't belong to the present relationship.  This usually occurs because you have unresolved issues from the past that get played out in your relationship.

One of the keys to having healthier relationships is to recognize and understand when you're transferring these feelings and attitudes from the past into your present circumstances (see my article: Learning to Separate Then From Now).

What Does Transference Look Like in Relationships?

• Redirecting Feelings: You redirect feelings from the past onto your current partner. 

• Unconscious Behavior: When you redirect feelings from the past onto your partner, this happens on an unconscious level. For instance, let's say you grew up with a critical father when you were a child and, now that you're an adult, your partner tries to be supportive by making a suggestion about how you can do something in a better way. If you're experiencing transference for your partner, you could hear their suggestion as being critical when it's not. If so, you could experience unexplained anxiety, anger or resentment towards your partner--similar to what you felt towards your critical father. You might get confused about your feelings in the current circumstances because the trigger is outside of your awareness (see my article: Coping With Triggers).

Transference in Relationships

• Replaying Old Patterns: You can replay old patterns from the past in your current relationship and, over time, this leads to unhealthy dynamics between you and your partner.

• Intense Reactions: As mentioned above, reacting to your partner as if they were someone from your past can lead to disproportionate reactions in your current relationship (see my article: Reacting to the Present Based on Your Past).

How Can You Manage Transference in Your Current Relationship?

• Develop Awareness: Notice when your reactions seem out of proportion to the situation. Ask yourself:
• Why am I having such a strong reaction to my partner when they're trying to be supportive?
• Have I felt this way before?
• When have I felt this way before?
• What was happening in that past situation?
• How do these feelings from the past remain unresolved for me?

• Be Aware of the Differences Between the Past and the Present: Be aware of how your partner is different from the person in your past. This is often easier said than done when you're trying to do it on your own (see my article: Making the Unconscious Conscious).

• Separate the Past From the Present: Make an effort to separate your past self from your present self. For instance, recognize that you're no longer a child struggling with this issue when you experienced it in the past. Also, separate your partner as an individual from the person you reacted to in the past. 

Transference in Relationships

• Communicate: Once you realize you reacted to your partner as if they were someone from the past, communicate this openly to your partner. This can help your partner to understand why you had such a strong reaction towards them. It can also help you to express your feelings under the current situation (as opposed to the past). You can also get clarification from your partner as to what they were actually trying to communicate to you as opposed to what you thought they were saying.

• Seek Help in Therapy: A licensed mental health professional, who is a trauma therapist, can help you to explore the origins of these feelings, learn how to cope with them and, ultimately, learn how to work through whatever unresolved traumatic feelings you have from the past (see my article: Working Through Unsolved Trauma From the Past So It No Longer Affects You in the Present).

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette is a composite of many different cases with all identifying information changed to protect confidentiality:

Jim

Jim and his wife, Tina, usually got along well. But whenever Jim heard Tina telling him how he could be more organized, no matter how kind and supportive she tried to say it, Jim experienced her comments as critical and he reacted angrily.

Transference in Relationships

Immediately after he reacted, he realized his reaction was out of proportion to what Tina was saying to him and he felt confused, guilty and ashamed. Then, he would apologize to Tina and tell her, "I'm sorry. I don't know what came over me. I realize now you're trying to be supportive, but when you said it, I got angry."

Tina usually accepted Jim's apology, but after this occurred several times, she suggested he get help in therapy because she was fed up with his reactions. 

She told him, "I'm afraid to make any kind of suggestion to you, but now that you're calm again, I think you should get help in therapy because you keep having these big reactions and I'm getting fed up."

Jim realized that, even though he felt regret and remorse for overreacting, if he continued to react this way towards Tina, she might leave him. So, he obtained a referral from his primary care physician for psychotherapy.

Jim's doctor referred him to a trauma specialist.

After getting a thorough family history, the trauma therapist helped Jim to realize his reaction belonged to unresolved issues with his father. She told him he was reacting to Tina as if she was his critical father.

Jim told his therapist that his father had a hair trigger temper and whenever Jim made a mistake as a child, instead of trying to be supportive and helpful, his father would lose his temper and criticize Jim.

Jim recalled that, over the course of his childhood, his father yelled at him many times for small mistakes. His father also humiliated him in front of his friends and other family members which left Jim feeling ashamed, angry and upset.

Since Jim's father died, it was no longer possible for Jim to work out these issues with him. But Jim also knew that even if his father was still alive, his father wouldn't have been open to talking about it.

Over time, Jim's therapist helped him to work through his unresolved feelings from the past using EMDR and Parts Work Therapy. 

The work was neither quick nor easy, but Jim stuck with it because he wanted to save his marriage and he didn't want to continue to reacting in the present based on unresolved issues from the past.

As Jim learned to be aware of the present versus the past and to communicate better with Tina, their relationship improved.

By the time he completed trauma therapy, Jim felt relieved to no longer being carrying a burden from the past.

Conclusion

Transference occurs on an unconscious level when you redirect feelings, attitudes and behavior from the past to someone in your present life.

Transference can occur in any relationship including with your partner, a friend, a family member or your therapist.

Getting Help in Therapy

When you learn to distinguish your unconscious feelings in the present from your unresolved feelings from the past, you can develop a more conscious awareness of what's happening to you.

Although you might realize after you react that you're really reacting to some unresolved issue from the past, your awareness might not be enough to keep you from continually reacting this way.

A licensed mental professional, who is trained to help clients to work through unresolved trauma is called a trauma therapist (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

A trauma therapist can help you to work through unresolved problems from the past so you're no longer getting triggered and overreacting with your partner.

Once you have worked through your unresolved problems, you can have a healthier relationship and live a more meaningful life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist

As a trauma therapist, I have helped many individual adults and couples to work through unresolved traumatic issues.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

My Other Articles About Transference:

What is Transference in Psychotherapy?

Psychotherapy and the Erotic Transference 

Boundary Violations in Therapy  

Psychotherapy and the Idealized Transference. 

Relationships: Coping With Being Ghosted By Your Partner

Ghosting is the act of ending a relationship with someone by suddenly and without explanation cutting off all contact.

Coping With Being Ghosted By Your Partner

This can include ignoring texts, calls and social media, effectively disappearing from the person's life. It is commonly associated with dating, but it can happen in any relationship and it has become more prevalent since the rise of technology.

Being Ghosted By Your Partner

Being ghosted by someone you're in a relationship with is especially painful. It can leave you with self doubt, many unanswered questions as well as: 

• Lack of Closure: When there is no explanation, it can leave you with questions and a sense of uncertainty that can make it difficult for you to move on.

Coping With Being Ghosted By Your Partner

• The Possibility of Negative Self Talk: Being ghosted by your partner can lead to your experiencing self criticism, self doubt, feeling rejected and a general feeling where you question your self worth.

• The Possibility of Loss of Trust: Being ghosted by your partner can cause you to experience a lack of trust which can make it harder to trust others in future relationships.

Why Do People Ghost Their Partners?

There can be many reasons why a ghoster disappears from someone's life including:

• Conflict Avoidance: The partner might be avoiding an uncomfortable confrontation. They also might not know how to communicate their feelings.

• Emotional Immaturity: Poor communication and conflict resolution skills is usually indicator of emotional immaturity.

• Fear and Anxiety: Fear, anxiety or negative experiences from the past can contribute to ghoster disappearing.

• Loss of Interest: Sometimes ghosting is a sign that the ghoster has lost interest, found someone else or they are having an affair. None of this excuses ghosting.

How to Cope With Being Ghosted By Your Partner

As previously mentioned, being ghosted by a partner can be very hurtful and confusing.

Here are some tips on how to cope:

• Allow Yourself to Grieve: Acknowledge and process your feelings without judgment. Self compassion is essential to healing.

• Try Not to Personalize It: Ghosting is usually a reflection on your partner and their issues--not a reflection on you. Their behavior reflects their inability to handle the situation.

• Acknowledge and Accept the Reality: Even though it's painful, acknowledge and accept that your partner's behavior probably indicates the end of the relationship. It's a definitive action--even without an explanation.

• Focus on Self Care: Take the time to prioritize your own healing. Focus on what brings you joy and helps you to feel secure within yourself.

• Seek Emotional Support: Talk to trusted friends and family members for emotional support.

• Seek Help in Therapy: If you have been especially traumatized by being ghosted and your usual support network isn't enough, seek help in therapy where a licensed mental health professional can help you to get through the crisis.

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette, which is composite of many cases, illustrates the emotional pain and confusion of being ghosted by a partner and how therapy can help:

Jane

Jane came home from work on day and she discovered that Ed had moved out. All of his belongings were removed from the apartment without explanation.

At first, Jane thought they had been robbed, but then she realized that only Ed's belongings were missing and nothing of value had been taken.

She was shocked. Three years into their relationship, everything seemed to be going well between them. They were talking about getting engaged and even discussing when they would get married. So she couldn't understand what had happened.

Coping With Being Ghosted By Your Partner

She tried to call him and text him numerous times that night, but he didn't respond to her.  She even called his family, but they said they didn't know where he was. 

But when she reached his best friend, Joe, he didn't sound surprised. He hesitated before speaking and then said, "I'm sorry Jane. I didn't think he would handle things this way. You need to forget him."

Joe's response was even more confusing to her and she asked him what he knew, but Joe said he didn't want to speak for Ed. He said Ed needed to speak for himself and he thought it was awful that Ed would just leave without talking to Jane.

Without answers as to why Ed left, Jane replayed in her mind the last few weeks as a way to try to understand what happened between them, but she couldn't remember anything that happened that would cause Ed to leave without a word.

For several days Jane kept trying to reach Ed, but her calls kept going to voicemail and he didn't respond to her texts.  

She felt a mixture of anger, sadness, confusion and anxiety. When she talked to her close friends, she felt emotionally supported by them, but she kept wondering what could have possibly gone wrong that would make Ed leave this way.

After a few weeks went by without any word from Ed, Jane sought help in psychotherapy. She felt so overwhelmed by her emotions that she was starting to doubt herself in all areas of her life.  

Her therapist helped Jane to grieve. She felt so abandoned and upset about the way Ed left that she felt like she never wanted to be in another relationship again.

The abandonment was made worse by the fact that Jane lost her father when she was 10 due to his sudden heart attack. No one in the family, including her mother, knew how to grieve, so after the funeral, they went about their daily activities as if nothing had happened. This left Jane feeling alone and not only abandoned by her father but also abandoned by the rest of her family. 

As a result, she never fully grieved the loss of her father, which was now being triggered by Ed's sudden departure.

Her therapist helped Jane to grieve the current loss and the loss of her father using a combination of EMDR Therapy and Parts Work Therapy.

After several months, Jane began to feel like herself again. She still couldn't believe that Ed left without a word, but she accepted the reality of her situation. She realized that it wasn't her fault that he left. She also realized he lacked the emotional maturity to talk to her about breaking up.  

With time, Jane began making some sense of Ed's sudden departure when she remembered her situations he had told her about--including how he suddenly ended a relationship with a fiance 15 years before. He had told her that he regretted ending that relationship in that way and he would never do that again, but Jane realized he had not matured since he ended that relationship.

Initially, she blamed herself for trusting him while she knew he had done this before many years ago, but over time she realized it wasn't her fault.

Aside from talking to her friends and attending therapy, Jane also engaged in hobbies that she used to enjoy. At first, she felt like she was just going through the motions but, gradually, she regained her sense of enjoyment.

Working through the original loss of her father and the abrupt end to her relationship with Joe wasn't easy. It took time and work in therapy to heal.

A couple of years later, Jane was in a new relationship with Tom. She was hesitant, at first to trust him but, since he knew her history, Tom was patient with Jane and he showed himself to be trustworthy.

Although she never found out why Ed left, Jane left go of her sadness and resentment as she healed in therapy. 

Conclusion

Being ghosted is a painful experience, especially when it occurs in a relationship.

There is no excuse for the ghoster to disappear suddenly without an explanation, but there can be many reasons that often have little or nothing to do with the person who is being ghosted.

After the initial shock, accepting the reality of the situation and allowing yourself to grieve is part of the healing process.

If the support of trusted family and friends isn't enough, consider getting help from a licensed mental health professional who has the expertise to help you on your healing journey.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples and I have helped many clients to grieve their losses.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How to Let Go of Resentment in Your Relationship

As a psychotherapist who works with individual adults and couples, I have worked with many clients who have problems with resentment.

This is why I'm focusing on resentment in relationships in the current article.

Letting Go of Resentment in Your Relationship

What is Resentment?

Resentment is an emotional reaction to feeling mistreated or treated unfairly which often includes hurt, frustration, anger, disappointment and bitterness.

Letting Go of Resentment in Your Relationship

Although disappointment and frustration are common experiences in adulthood, when these feelings become overwhelming in a relationship, this often leads to resentment.

What Causes Resentment?

Resentment can be caused under many circumstances.

Here are some of the most common causes:

• Feeling put down

• Feeling unseen or unheard

• Having unrealistic expectations

• Unmet needs

• Power imbalances

• Poor communication

• Unresolved conflict

• Betrayal

• Feeling disrespected and taken for granted

• Divergent goals and priorities

How Does Resentment Build Over Time?

Although there are no official stages of resentment, resentment can build over time from mild to severe.

Letting Go of Resentment in Your Relationship

Someone can start by feeling hurt, but if the problems in the relationship continue and/or they are uncommunicated, these feelings can escalate to hatred and a wish for revenge.

Over time, when one or both partners in a relationship feel resentful, the relationship can become tense and they might consciously or unconsciously avoid each other.  

Why is Letting Go of Resentment Difficult At Times?

One or both partners might have problems letting go of resentment, especially if there is a tendency to ruminate about perceived or actual wrongdoing.

Difficulty with letting go can be exacerbated by a traumatic history in prior relationships or in a family history where the current situation can trigger resentment from the past.

How to Identify the Signs of Resentment

Healthy relationships are based on openness, honesty and an ability to be emotionally vulnerable with one another.

When a partner feels resentment, they might feel less inclined to communicate their feelings with their partner. What often happens instead is that the resentful partner suppresses their feelings and shuts down emotionally.  

Letting Go of Resentment in Your Relationship

They might not even realize they're suppressing feelings because emotional suppression can happen in a fraction of a second so they might be unaware, but their partner might sense their emotional distance.

When anger, bitterness and hostility take over, communication can break down and the resentful partner might not respond to their partner's gestures for connection. 

This could mean that they stop talking to their partner when they're together and ignore phone calls and texts when they're apart.

How Can Resentment Affect Your Emotional and Physical Well-Being?

Resentment is often a sign that you haven't dealt with a situation in an effective way.

If you haven't processed your feelings, you can put yourself at risk for:

• Anxiety
  

• Depression
  

• Muscle tension

• Headaches

• Sleep problems
  

• High blood pressure

• Digestive disorders

• A compromised immune system

How to Let Go of Resentment in Your Relationship

If you feel resentment, you can try to communicate your feelings to your partner in a calm and thoughtful way.

Some people who feel overwhelmed by resentment find it useful to do their own writing about it first to sort out their feelings so they can be calm when they talk to their partner.

Letting Go of Resentment in Your Relationship

If you're upset and angry when you talk to your partner, your partner might not hear you because they might get defensive if you're blaming them for the problems in the relationship.

Remember that it takes two people to create a relationship so it's rare for all the problems to be your partner's fault.

If you feel your resentment has become unmanageable for you, you could benefit from talking to a licensed mental health professional who can help you to sort out your feelings and learn how to deal with resentment.

This can be especially beneficial if your current situation is triggering unresolved trauma from the past. 

Even if your current circumstances are triggering unresolved problems, this doesn't mean that there aren't problems to be worked out in your relationship. In other words, the current issues can still be relevant even if they are exacerbated by past experiences.

You and your partner can also benefit from couples therapy if the problems are longstanding or if the two of you haven't been able to work out issues on your own.

What Are Perpetual Problems in Relationships?

There might be certain problems, which are called "perpetual problems", that you won't be able to resolve and, if you want to stay together, you have to learn to manage your feelings around them instead of expecting things to change or remaining resentful.

Dr. John Gottman, who is a relationship expert and the author of many books on relationships, estimates that a whopping 69% of relationship problems are considered "perpetual problems." 

These might include, but are not limited to, differences in:

• Lifestyle needs

• Personality types, e.g., introvert vs extrovert

• Values

• Perspectives about money

• Parenting styles

More about perpetual problems in a future article.

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette illustrates how resentment can affect a relationship and how therapy can help:

Ann and Joe

When Ann and Joe met, they both knew they wanted to be together.

They dated for two years before they moved in together in Ann's apartment after Joe's lease expired.

Letting Go of Resentment in Your Relationship

Ann knew Joe had different housekeeping standards before he moved in. She had been to his apartment many times before they moved in together and she often teased him about his messy apartment. At the time, she thought it was funny and poked fun at him about it. 

But after Joe's lease expired on his Manhattan apartment and he moved into Ann's Brooklyn apartment, Ann didn't think it was funny anymore. Over time, she felt annoyed with finding Joe's socks and underwear on the bedroom floor and she couldn't understand how this didn't bother him.

At first, Ann didn't say anything. She was raised in a family where her parents didn't like to "rock the boat" so they avoided discussing difficult topics. As a result, eventually, they lead separate lives even though they remained together in the same house.

After a few weeks of watching Joe step over his socks and underwear, Ann felt her resentment building up.  She felt hurt, angry and disappointed because she thought Joe was taking for granted that she would pick up his clothes.

Even though Joe seemed oblivious to his clothes on the floor, he sensed Ann's emotional distance and he asked her if there was something wrong. 

By then, Ann had suppressed her feelings to such an extent that she wasn't even aware she felt angry so she responded, "I'm okay. There's nothing wrong."

Joe shrugged his shoulders and went into the living room to watch the football game. While he was watching the football game, he felt annoyed by the sound of Ann's vacuum cleaner, which was drowning out the game on TV. So, he asked her if either he could vacuum later or if she would consider vacuuming later.

At that point, Ann turned off the vacuum cleaner and walked out of the apartment in a huff.  When Joe heard the door slam, he went out to try to find Ann, but she was already walking quickly down the block.

When she returned, she found Joe sitting on the sofa staring at the blank TV screen. As she was taking off her coat, Joe came behind her, touched her shoulder and she bristled.

"I know something is wrong" he said, "Can we talk about it?"

Ann felt too emotionally overwhelmed to speak, so she went into the bedroom, shut the door and called her best friend, Jane, to complain. 

Jane responded by asking Ann, "Why don't you talk to Joe about it?"

"I don't know." Ann said, "We never talked about things difficult things in my family and I feel uncomfortable bringing it up."

"But if you don't bring it up, how will it get resolved?" Jane asked.

"I don't know." Ann responded, "Do you think I'm making a big thing out of nothing?"

"Talk to Joe." Jane advised.

When Ann came into the living room and she saw Joe with his head in his hands, she felt compassionate towards him, "I'm sorry I walked out of the apartment so abruptly. I didn't realize how resentful I felt about your messiness until I felt overwhelmed by it."

"I'm so glad you're talking to me," Joe responded, "You know how I am. I don't even notice my messiness, but if it's bothering you, I'll try to be more aware of it."

After their talk, they made up and cuddled on the couch together. But a few days later, Ann felt annoyed that Joe made plans to go to a baseball game with his friend without consulting her first. She had planned to ask Joe if he wanted to go to Jane's dinner party on the same night, but she hadn't asked him yet.

Since she couldn't decide if she was being unreasonable or not, Ann kept her annoyance to herself until the day when Joe was supposed to go to the baseball game and Ann wanted to go to Jane's party.

She didn't speak to Joe about her resentment, but he sensed something was wrong because she was slamming pots and pans around in the kitchen. Similar to before, Joe approached Ann to ask her if there was something wrong and Ann responded she was okay.

After several attempts of trying to persuade Ann to talk, Joe gave up and went to the game and Ann called Jane to say she couldn't make it to her dinner party.

When Joe got home, he found Ann in a sulky mood scrolling on her phone.  When he sat down on the bed next to her, he sensed her remoteness, "Ann, I wish you would tell me what's bothering you."

Reluctantly, she spoke about her hurt and anger. Then, they talked about how they had never discussed how to consult each other before making their own plans. 

They agreed to talk to each other before making plans with other people, and they developed a common calendar so they could keep track of their social events together and apart.

Over time, there were several other issues that Ann felt resentful about and she realized how her upbringing was getting in the way of her communicating with Joe, so she began her own individual therapy. 

They also got into couples therapy to learn how to improve their communication (see my article: How to Improve Communication in Your Relationship).

Gradually, they learned in couples therapy how to be more open, honest and emotionally vulnerable with each other.  They also learned there were certain issues they weren't going to resolve due to differences in their personalities. 

For instance, Ann tended to be more extroverted and Joe tended to be more introverted so they often liked doing different things. Ann liked going to parties, but Joe felt uneasy at parties.  

They realized they weren't going to change each other's personalities, so they came up with a compromise: Joe would go to some of the parties and learn to mingle, but he wouldn't go to all the parties Ann wanted to attend. Although she was disappointed at first, Ann realized this was a reasonable compromise and she learned to manage her feelings in the interest of preserving their relationship.

Ann also developed insight into how her family history was exacerbating problems with Joe, and she talked about how to manage her feelings in her individual therapy.  Over time, she also worked through her family history so it didn't affect her as much. This work was neither quick nor easy, but she persevered.

Joe learned in couples therapy how to be more considerate of Ann. He became more self aware so he could take Ann's feelings into account.

They both learned that no relationship is perfect. Since they wanted to stay together, they realized that maintaining their relationship would be an ongoing process.  

Over time, they developed relationship goals which helped them both to feel more invested in their relationship and gave them a sense of a future together (see my article: 10 Relationship Goals to Create a Stronger Relationship).

Conclusion

Resentment is often a combination of hurt, anger, disappointment and frustration when one or both people in a relationship feel they are being mistreated or treated unfairly.

Resentment can build over time from mild to severe.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

Recognizing signs of resentment can be difficult, especially if you have unresolved issues related to prior relationships or your family of origin. This can be especially problematic if you grew up in a family where resentment either wasn't handled well.

Ongoing feelings of resentment can cause emotional and physical problems.

There are certain issues in relationships that are perpetual problems due to differences between you and your partner. Each of you need to decide if you can manage these problems or if they are deal breakers.

When resentment becomes an ongoing problem where you find it difficult to communicate, you could benefit from attending individual therapy to learn to overcome this problem.

Couples therapy can be beneficial if you and your partner find yourself in ongoing cycles of resentment where you can't break the negative cycle in your relationship (see my article: Overcoming the Negative Cycle in Your Relationship That Keep You Stuck).

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT For Couples, Parts Work, Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

 

Relationships: Are You Overfunctioning For Your Partner?

What is Overfunctioning in a Relationship?

Overfunctioning is a term used to describe when one partner is carrying the bulk of responsibilities, initiates difficult conversations and attempts to resolve problems in the relationship and in the household (see my article: Overcoming the Negative Cycle That Keeps You Both Stuck).

Are You Overfunctioning For Your Partner?

Why Does Overfunctioning Occur in a Relationship?

There are many ways a couple can get into a dynamic where one of them is overfunctioning and the other is underfunctioning.

As responsibilities increase, life becomes more complex so there are more household chores and responsibilities:

• Doing household chores
• Paying bills
• Remembering children's playdates and getting them there
• Remembering the children's doctors' appointments and getting them there

Are You Overfunctioning For Your Partner?

• Getting birthday gifts for the children's friends and getting the children to friends' birthday parties
• Being responsible for going to parent-teacher conferences
• Remembering grandparents' birthdays and anniversaries and getting gifts
• Work-related tasks
• And on and on

It's common for one person in the relationship to take on these and other responsibilities while the other partner takes on few, if any, responsibilities. 

The relationship you witnessed in your family of origin can also influence whether you become the overfunctioner or the underfunctioner based on traditions, culture and outdated gender roles.

This dynamic can resemble a mother-child relationship where the overfunctioner is in the role of the mother and the underfunctioner is in role of the child.

This often affects the dynamic in the bedroom because no one wants to make love to their parent or their child (see my article: Behaving Like a Parent to Your Partner Could Be Ruining Your Relationship).

As the overfunctioner becomes overwhelmed by the tasks and responsibilities they have taken on, resentment builds and conflict can grow.

Signs You Have Taken on the Role of the Overfunctioner

• You're the One Who Does Most or All the Chores and Carry the Mental Load: You clean, pay the bills, take care of the children, do the laundry and so on and you probably have a job outside the home with its own responsibilities (see my article: Sharing the Mental Load).

• You Assume That If You Take a Break, Things Will Fall Apart: You're aware doing everything with little or any participation from your partner, but you're afraid that if you take a break, everything will fall apart.

Are You Overfunctioning For Your Partner

• You Feel Angry and Resentful About the Role You Have Taken On: You feel taken for granted and unappreciated by your partner because you have taken on more than your fair share of responsibilities. 

• You Have Lost Sight of Your Own Needs: Since you're focused on doing everything else, you don't recognize your own needs which can lead to a diminishment of self and lack of fulfillment.

• You Don't Feel Like Being Intimate With Your Partner: Since you're probably exhausted, frustrated, angry and irritable, you don't feel like being emotionally or sexually intimate with your partner. Emotional distance between you and your partner can grow to the point where you feel like you're just two people co-existing in the same household (see my article: Have You and Your Partner Stopped Having Sex?).

How Can You and Your Partner Disrupt the Overfunctioning-Underfunctioning Dynamic?

It takes two people to create their dynamic and the dynamic between you and your partner didn't develop overnight and it won't change overnight.

If the two of you were dance partners and you changed what you did, your partner would have to change too (see my article: Breaking the Negative Cycle in Your Relationship).

This is similar to what Emotionally Focused Therapy for Couples describes as the pursuer-withdrawer dynamic with the overfunctioner being in the pursuer role and the underfunctioner being in the withdrawer role. 

If You're the Overfunctioner:

• Consider how you might be able to experiment:
• What chores or responsibilities can you back off from, let go of and surrender to your partner? 
• This might mean that certain things fall through the cracks. 

Are You Overfunctioning For Your Partner?

• Be aware that stepping back and allowing your partner to take the lead with certain tasks will probably feel uncomfortable at first, but don't give in to the urge to take it over again. You will feel resentful and you will be belittling your partner as if they were a child.

• You might feel some anxiety about the change.

• Don't be critical or judgmental if your partner takes on a task and their standards aren't up to yours. Unless it's a safety matter. Then, you can tactfully show your partner how you have performed this task or chore in a safe way, but avoid criticism so your partner doesn't consciously or unconsciously avoid the task.

If You're the Underfunctioner:

• Challenge yourself to consider where you can step up to take on responsibilities. 

• You might experience discomfort at first because you're not accustomed to taking on responsibilities, but you'll adjust.

• Don't wait to be told each time if you have agreed to take on a certain responsibility.

• Remember you're an adult, so avoid getting into the child role with your partner.

• Don't get defensive if your partner tactfully explains why it's safer to do certain chores or handle certain responsibilities in a particular way (e.g., don't leave the baby alone in a hot car and other similar safety issues).

• Don't wait until you "feel like" doing a chore. Just do it. After a while, you'll get accustomed to doing it even if you "don't feel like it."

• Be proud, rather than feeling ashamed, that you're taking on more adult responsibilities.

For Both the Overfunctioner and the Underfunctioner: Develop An Agreement:

• Set a time aside when you won't be interrupted and talk about the inequity of your situation and how you each feel about making changes.

• Approach the change as two people who are on the same team. Teamwork is essential when you're making these kinds of changes.

• Approach the conversation with curiosity about how your partner feels instead of criticism.

• Talk about which one of you is overfunctioning or which one is underfunctioning from each of your perspectives and how you each contribute to the dynamic.

• Agree to shake things up.

• Remember: If one of you starts doing a different "dance step", your partner will have to change too.

• Get specific:
• What will you do differently?
• How long will you experiment with the change?
• When will you follow up with each other to determine if you need to tweak or overhaul your plan?

Get Help in Couples Therapy

On the surface, it might not seem like it would be complicated to change the overfunctioning-underfunctioning dynamic, but there are usually other underlying dynamics including personal beliefs, gender norms, cultural issues, family history and other factors.

If you and your partner are getting stuck, you could benefit from working with an experienced couples therapist to help you overcome the obstacles that keep you both stuck.

If your sex life has been affected by these problems, seek the help of a couples therapist who is a Certified Sex Therapist.

Rather than struggling on your own and remaining stuck, get help sooner rather than later so you can both have a more meaningful experience in your relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

With over 20 years of experience, I have helped many individuals and couples to overcome their problems.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

What Do Couples Talk About in Couples Therapy?

Tips on How to Get the Most Out of Couples Therapy

Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples Can Help Change a Negative Dynamic in a Relationship

What is Sex Therapy?

 

What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?

What Are the Most Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?