Why Do People Suppress Their Emotions?

Many people have a difficult time experiencing certain emotions in a healthy way so they suppress their emotions, which has health and mental health consequences.

Emotional Suppression

Which Emotions Are Commonly Suppressed?

The following emotions are the ones that are commonly suppressed among people who feel they need to hide these emotions:

• Anger: Anger is often perceived as being aggressive or out of control (even for people who are experiencing anger in a controlled way). Frustration and rage, which are part of anger, are often suppressed (see my article: Fear of Anger is Often Coupled With Guilt and Shame).

• Sadness or Grief: Crying or showing sadness or grief is often discouraged in our society, especially for men. This often leads to emotional suppression.

• Fear or Vulnerability: Society tends to value strength so showing fear or emotional vulnerability is discouraged (see my article: The Emotional Vulnerability of Being in a Relationship).

• Shame and Guilt: Shame and guilt are often discouraged in Western culture because there is a negative perception of emotions (see my article: Understanding the Difference Between Guilt and Shame).

• Envy and Jealousy: Many people push down feelings of envy or jealousy because these emotions are perceived as negative (see my articles: Overcoming Jealousy and Is Envy Ruining Your Relationships?).

• Disappointment: Disappointment is similar to sadness. Many people hide these emotions to appear "strong" and not to burden others (see my article: 5 Tips For Overcoming Routine Disappointments).

Why Do People Suppress Emotions?

Emotional Suppression

• Social Conditioning: As mentioned above, many people are taught to be "tough" or polite which leads to hiding emotions which are perceived as negative.

• Fear of Judgment: People who suppress certain emotions often fear that they will be judged or criticized for expressing certain emotions, so they suppress these emotions rather than expressing them.

• Maladaptive Coping Mechanism: People who suppress certain emotions hide these emotions as a maladaptive coping strategy to avoid discomfort or situations they feel would be overwhelming for them (see my article: Avoidance as a Maladaptive Coping Strategy).

What Are the Consequences of Emotional Suppression?

The most common consequences of emotional suppression include:

• Mental Health: People who suppress emotions are at a higher risk for anxiety, depression , emotional numbing and trauma-related issues as compared to people who express their emotions in a healthy way.

Emotional Suppression

• Physical Health: These symptoms include high blood pressure, heart problems, chronic pain and other physical symptoms (see my article: How Emotional Suppression Can Lead to Physical Health and Mental Health Problems).

• Emotions Resurface More Intensely: People who suppress their emotions often discover that these emotions resurface in a more intense way. They are also more at risk, compared to people who can express their emotions in a healthy way, for alcoholism, drug abuse and other impulsive or compulsive way

Get Help in Therapy

If you tend to suppress emotions that make you feel uncomfortable, you could benefit from getting help from a licensed mental health professional.

Get Help in Therapy

Learning to express your emotions in a healthy way can help you to be more self aware, reduce anxiety and stress, improve health and mental health and develop healthier relationships (see my article: Learning How to Express Your Emotions in a Healthy Way).

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed psychotherapist so you can live a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Parts Work (IFS and Ego States), Somatic Experiencing and a Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Article:

Allow Yourself to Feel So You Can Heal

 

Relationships: What Does It Mean to Be Monogamish?

The term "monogamish" was originally coined by Dan Savage, a nationally syndicated columnist and author.

Monogamish Relationships

Monogamish refers to a couple who is primarily monogamous but their relationship agreement allows for occasional sexual or romantic activity with others with the full consent of both people in the primary relationship.

What Are the Key Characteristics of Monogamish Couples?

The key characteristics of monogamish couples include:

• Being Mostly Monogamous: The primary couple is usually monogamous and they remain committed to their relationship.

• Agreed Upon Nonmonogamy: The partners in the primary relationship have an established agreement that has rules and boundaries for sexual or romantic connections outside the primary relationship. This can range from occasional flirting to infrequent sexual or romantic connections outside the relationship--depending upon what each individual in the primary relationship wants.

Monogamish Relationships

• Focus on Casual Connections Outside the Relationship: The couple's agreement is that any connections outside their relationship will be infrequent and casual without any intent of forming lasting relationships with others.

• Communication and Trust: Monogamish relationships require a high level of open communication, collaboration and trust within the primary relationship to navigate the possible challenges involved. A written agreement that is collaborated between the individuals in the primary relationship is recommended.

Monogamish Relationships

• Enhanced Connection: Many couples in monogamish relationships find that new experiences outside their primary relationship can enhance their relationship by strengthening their bond and increasing satisfaction with their relationship. Other couples prefer to have a Don't Ask Don't Tell agreement or only share limited information between them about their experiences with others. Other couples experiment with being monogamish and discover it doesn't work for them for a variety of reasons.

How Are Monogamish Relationships Different From Other Relationships?

Monogamish relationships differ from other relationship modalities:

• Completely Monogamous: Relationships that are strictly monogamous maintain a sexual and romantic connection within their relationship. They have no agreement to have other romantic or sexual connections with others.

• Polyamory: These relationships include multiple loving, romantic and sexual relationships at the same time with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved (see my article: What is Solo Polyamory?).

Monogamish Relationships

• Open Relationships: This is a broad term for all consensually nonmonogamous relationships.

How Can You and Your Partner Develop a Monogamish Relationship?

Here are some considerations for being in a monogamish relationship--assuming both individuals in the primary relationship want to be monogamish:

• Have a Written Agreement: It's important to have a clearly defined agreement in writing about the boundaries and expectations in terms of what is and isn't allowed as part of the monogamish agreement. Having the agreement in writing helps both people to be clear on what they are agreeing to and to make revisions to the agreement when necessary. 

Monogamish Relationships

• Talk About Jealousy: Although jealousy is common in monogamish relationships, it's important to know how to manage jealous feelings calmly and in a way where each person in the primary relationship can address their needs (see my article: What is Compersion in Nonmonogamous Relationships?).

• Work Through Insecurities: Being able to address insecurities as they come up is important, especially when there might be small deviations from the couple's agreement.

• Be Aware That Switching to Being Monogamish Won't Save a Struggling Relationship: Too often couples switch from being monogamous to being monogamish when they are struggling with certain problems in their relationship, including discrepancies in sexual desire or infidelity. However, being monogamish often makes existing problems worse and can add problems to an already struggling relationship. Being monogamish works best when the relationship is stable and the couple is basically satisfied within the relationship. When there are existing problems, a couple would do better to work on these problems first either on their own or, if they can't resolve the problems on their own, to seek help in couples therapy (see my article: What is Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy?).

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

Being monogamish can be challenging at times for couples of all sexual orientations.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

An experienced couples therapist who is also a sex therapist can help couples to navigate these challenges so that the needs of both people are met.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who has an expertise with all types of relationships.

About Me

I am licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and a Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Romantic Attractions: What Are the 3 Stages of Limerence?

In my prior article, Romantic Attractions: What is Limerence, Also Known As "Love At First Sight", I defined limerence and its similarities and differences to love.  In the current article, I'm focusing on the 3 Stages of Limerence.

Romantic Attractions: The 3 Stages of Limerence

As a recap: Limerence is a state of mind where someone feels infatuated or obsessed with the person they desire. This state of mind is often referred to as "love at first sight."  Limerence usually occurs during the early stage of a relationship.  Generally, it lasts anywhere from a few months to a few years for most people. It has similarities and differences with love, which you can read about in the prior article.

What Are the 3 Stages of Limerence?

• Stage 1: Infatuation: This stage occurs during the early stage of a relationship. This is the "honeymoon" phase or the stage when there's a crush. Relationship experts often refer to it as the infatuation stage.  It's often characterized by obsession, possessiveness and jealousy as well as idealization of the desired person (as opposed to a realistic perspective).

• Stage 2: Crystallization: Limerence begins to fade in this stage as the two people get to know each other. They're each beginning to get a more realistic perspective about each other.  If the two people become a couple, they face disappointments in each other as well as in other parts of life and they face challenges together. During this stage, although the perspective might be a little more realistic, they might also rationalize away individual problems as well as problems between them.  There is a strong impulse to try to maintain the earlier stage of infatuation even as it might begin to fade.  There might still be obsessive thoughts and emotions during this phase.

• Stage 3: Deterioration: This is the stage where limerence deteriorates. Deterioration can happen quickly or slowly over time depending upon the two people and the situation involved. Instead of idealizing the other person, the person is this stage sees their flaws and problems in the relationship more clearly.  Any unrealistic fantasies fade.

Clinical Vignette: The 3 Stages of Limerence

The following clinical vignette illustrates how someone can go through the 3 Stages of Limerence. As always, the vignette is a composite of many clinical cases with all identifying information removed.

Alice

When Alice met Rick, she had not been in a relationship for three years.  Her last relationship ended badly after she found out her boyfriend was cheating on her.  

After that relationship ended, she was in despair because she wanted to get married and have children and, since she was in her mid-30s, she was concerned about her age.

She met Rick on a dating app and she liked that he wanted to meet her after a few texts.  So many of the other men she texted with on these dating sites seemed fearful of meeting in person.

From the moment she met Rick, she felt immediately drawn to him.  She found him very handsome, intelligent, charming and funny.  

After their first date, Alice couldn't stop thinking about Rick.  He texted her everyday and called her several times that first week.  He showered her with so many compliments and gifts that her close friends warned her that she was being love bombed, but Alice ignored them (see my article: 10 Signs You're Being Love Bombed).

After the first week, they were spending 3-4 days together even though they were busy with work and other commitments.  

Alice was so infatuated with Rick that she only wanted to spend time with him instead of spending time with her friends.  Rick also told her that his friends were complaining that he didn't hang out with them anymore, but he said he didn't care--he only wanted to be with her.

Sex was passionate between them. Alice never felt as free sexually as she felt with Rick. He introduced her to sexual role play and kinky sex, which she loved.

During that time, they agreed to be exclusive with each other, so they both got off the dating app.  By then, Alice was obsessed with Rick.  When her close friends suggested that she slow down, Alice ignored them.  

When Alice's old college buddy, Mike, contacted her to say he would be in town and he would love to see her, she told Rick about it.  He became jealous and angry.  Even after she tried to reassure Rick that her friendship with Mike had always been strictly platonic, Rick told her that he didn't want her to see Mike. 

Alice thought Rick's possessiveness and jealousy meant he loved her.  And, since she didn't want to do anything to jeopardize her relationship with Rick, she told Mike she would be out of town and she couldn't see him.  

Once again, Alice's friends warned her she was confusing jealousy and possessiveness for love, but she didn't pay attention to their warnings.

Shortly after that, Alice and Rick were in an Indian restaurant and she was surprised to see how rude Rick was to the waiter.  After the waiter left, Rick mumbled a racial slur under his breath--something Alice had never seen him do before.

Although she didn't like Rick's rudeness and she felt somewhat disheartened, Alice rationalized his behavior away by telling herself that he was tired and he didn't realize how he was behaving. But it continued to bother her.

By then, Rick wasn't texting and calling her as much.  He told her he had to stay at work late and his weekends were taken up by a special project he was working on.  

But Alice's best friend saw Rick holding hands with another woman in a restaurant on a Saturday night when he told Alice he was at work.

Romantic Attractions: The 3 Stages of Limerence

When Alice heard about Rick being with another woman, she was shocked.  She couldn't believe he would lie to her this way.  

She called Rick repeatedly the same day she heard about the other woman, but he didn't return her calls.  A few days later, Rick contacted her in a short text admitting he lied about being busy at work. 

He rationalized it by writing he didn't want to hurt her feelings.  He also told her he was no longer interested in seeing her anymore because he was head-over-heels about this other woman.

After that text, Rick didn't respond to any more of Alice's texts and eventually she realized he blocked her on his phone.

Shortly after her last contact with Rick, Alice began therapy to try to understand why she kept choosing men who hurt her (see my article: Choosing Healthier Relationships).

Conclusion

The vignette about Alice discusses the 3 Stages of Limerence from Infatuation to Deterioration.  

Alice was particularly vulnerable at that time because it had been a long time since she had been in a relationship, her last relationship was so disappointing, she wanted to get married and have children and she was concerned about her age.

During the Infatuation Stage, she was obsessed with thoughts of Rick and couldn't get enough of him. She ignored the red flags that her friends could see clearly, and she also ignored her friends' warnings (see my article: Do Your Friends See "Red Flags" About Your Relationship That You're Not Seeing?).

During the Crystallization Stage, she began to see flaws in Rick, but she remained ambivalent.  Although she saw these flaws, she rationalized them away by making excuses for him.

The Deterioration Stage came abruptly crashing down on Alice after her friend told her that Rick was cheating on her, he admitted cheating by text, told Alice that he only wanted to see this other woman and eventually blocked her from his phone.

Her illusions were crushed and she had no choice but to admit to herself she was making poor choices when it came to the men she dated.  

She also realized she needed help in therapy to deal with this problem. 

In therapy, her therapist could help her to identify the unconscious issues and blind spots related to her early history and help her to make better choices (see my article: Unhealthy Relationships: Bad Luck or Poor Choices?).

Next Article: Can Limerence Turn Into Love?

In the vignette about Alice, her relationship with Rick never developed beyond the limerence.  In the next article, I'll discuss what happens when limerence turns into love.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

 

Romantic Attractions: What is Limerence (Also Known As Infatuation)?

Dorothy Tennov, Ph.D., coined the term "limerence" to describe the early stage of a romantic relationship.  She wrote about her research findings in her 1979 book, Love and Limerence: The Early Experience of Being in Love.

What is Limerence?

Limerence is a state of mind where someone is infatuated or obsessed with the person they desire.  It's often an involuntary state where someone has a strong desire to be with that person.  

Romantic Attractions: Limerence

Limerence usually occurs during the early stage of an attraction.  Generally speaking, limerence often lasts anywhere from a few months and a few years.  There can be individual variation.

Depending upon the individual and the circumstances, limerence can be categorized by either euphoric feelings or feelings of despair.

Limerence is also described as "love at first sight," although there is a difference between love and limerence, which I'll explain in a bit.

Romantic Attractions: Limerence

During the early stage of two people getting to know each other, limerence is often characterized by one or both people craving each other when they're apart. 

They want to spend more time together, be more affectionate and, if they're sexual, have more sex. One or both of them feel like they can't get enough of each other.

How is Limerence Different From Love?

The difference between love and limerence can be confusing because they look similar.

Similarities Between Love and Limerence

Both love and limerence start out with a dopamine rush.  

But limerence is relatively short-lived and conditional.  

Limerence can disappear if the person isn't getting what they want from the other person. 

For instance, if the other person isn't able to spend as much time with them as they want or if the other person doesn't express affection to them in the way they want or as often as they want, limerence can disappear.  

When the person in the limerence state doesn't get their needs gratified, they can feel like a bubble has burst.

Differences Between Love and Limerence

During the limerence phase, a person often idealizes the person they're infatuated with and focuses mostly on the other person's positive qualities and might overlook their problems (see my article: Relationships: The Ideal vs the Real).

Love is more fluid and less conditional.  Whereas limerence can make a person feel like their head is in the clouds, love is much more grounded.  Instead of being focused on what the other person can give them, they want the other person to be happy.  

Love goes beyond a superficial attraction. There is a deeper connection and an emotional vulnerability as two people get to know each other.  Over time, they experience life together and ride the waves of life's many challenges together.

To summarize the differences: Whereas love is based on rootedness, emotional connection, intimacy and it's reality based, limerence is based on infatuation, idealization, obsession, possession, conditions, jealousy and unrealistic expectations.  

Next Article: The 3 Phases of Limerence

I'll continue to discuss limerence in my next article which will focus on the three phases of limerence: Romantic Attractions: The 3 Phases of Limerence.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

What is Compersion in Consensual Nonmonogamous Relationships?

What is Compersion?

Compersion is wholehearted participation in the happiness of others.  

Compersion is the opposite of jealousy.

It's possible for you to experience compersion in any type of relationship or with any group of people.

Compersion: Wholehearted Participation in the Happiness of Others

Where Did the Word Compersion Come From?

The Sanskrit word called mudita goes back at least 2,500 years. We don't have an exact translation for mudita in English. The closest translation is sympathetic joy.  

The word compersion is a word that was specifically coined for polyamory in a polyamorous community in San Francisco, CA.

How Does Compersion Relate to Consensual Nonmonogamous Relationships

Experiencing compersion in a consensual nonmonogamous relationship means you're genuinely happy for your partner's joy in other romantic or sexual relationships that you have both consented to in advance.

Compersion and Consensual Nonmonogamous Relationships

Those who have developed the ability to feel compersion in their relationships say that compersion occurs when you can let go of your insecurities and projections and work on experiencing compersion.

There are some people who identify themselves as being naturally polyamorous and compersion comes more easily to them.  They usually don't have many of the same challenges that other people have with jealous.

Most other people, who have successfully developed compersion, had to work on it to develop this ability. 

In addition to developing compersion, they had to work on becoming autonomous individuals in their relationship(s).

What Does It Mean to Be An Autonomous Individual in Relationship(s)?

Being an autonomous individual in a relationship means that:

• You have self awareness and you have a strong sense of what you think, feel and want.

• You appreciate your individuality even when you're in a relationship.

• You have your own beliefs and your own path that you're following.

• You're able to express to your partner(s) what you feel.

• You're able to tolerate hearing what your partner feels without falling apart emotionally--even if your partner tells you something you don't want to hear.

• You maintain your social support network, including your close friends and loved ones.

• You maintain and develop your own individual interests and hobbies which are separate from your romantic and sexual relationship(s).

• You're able to self soothe and take care of yourself when things aren't going well for you.

• You appreciate alone time without feeling lonely or isolated.

• You encourage your partner(s) to pursue their own interests and hobbies without you.

How Does Being an Autonomous Individual Relate to Compersion?

Compersion is a radical idea that not everyone can or wants to achieve, especially when it comes to being in a non-traditional relationship, like a consensual nonmonogamous or polyamorous relationship, or engaging in certain forms of kinky sex like threesomes where you and your partner(s) get involved with people outside your relationship(s).

Before you engage in a consensual nonmonogamy or in kinky sex, like threesomes or cuckolding, you need to be honest with yourself and with your partner(s) as to whether these choices are right for you.

Some people just know whether consensual nonmonogamy and kinky sex are right for them and others try it to find out if it's the right choice.

Special Challenges: Unresolved Abandonment Issues and an Anxious Attachment Style

Many people who are anxious, insecure, who have unresolved childhood trauma, including fear of abandonment or an anxious attachment style , have a great deal of difficulty being polyamorous, consensually nonmonogamous or engaging in certain types of kinky sex with others because it's too psychologically triggering for them.

Although more people are trying consensual nonmonogamy, the vast majority of people still want to be in monogamous relationships. So, even if you don't have a history of trauma, you might not want to explore these alternative relationships, and that's okay.  

Are You Considering Opening Up Your Relationship?

Jealousy is a normal emotion, so even if you're actively working on compersion because you and your partner(s) want to open up your relationship or you both want to try certain forms of kinky sex that involve other people, you'll probably experience some jealousy.  It's a matter of degree.

Many people who decide to open up their relationship have worked through issues of jealousy to achieve compersion, so it is possible.

There are also some people who aren't really jealous.  They probably have the easiest time with feeling compersion for their partners because jealousy doesn't get in the way of their feeling happy when their partners experience joy having sexual and romantic feelings for other people.

Working in Sex Therapy to Come Up With An Agreement For a Consensual Nonmonogamous Relationship

Compersion is based on trusting yourself and your partner(s).

Working on a Consensual Nonmonogamous Relationship Agreement

If you're considering a consensual nonmonogamous relationship and you want to build trust with your partner(s), it's important that you and your partner(s) have a written agreement that you negotiate together.  

Most psychotherapists and couples therapists aren't trained to work with unconventional relationships that include compersion.  

Therapists who aren't trained in sex therapy often pathologize alternative relationship choices, including consensual nonmonogamy and kinky sex, which will only confuse you.

Seek help from a licensed psychotherapist who specializes in modern sex therapy (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and modern Sex Therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist who is also a trauma therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Irrational Jealousy and Mate Guarding in Relationships - Part 2

In Part 1 of this topic, Irrational Jealousy and Mate Guarding in Relationships, I gave a basic description of this dynamic.  In the current article, which is Part 2, I'm providing a clinical vignette to illustrate a typical scenario.

Irrational Jealousy and Mate Guarding in Relationships

Clinical Vignette:  Irrational Jealousy and Mate Guarding in a Relationship

The following vignette, which is a composite of many different cases with all identifying information removed, illustrates a typical dynamic related to irrational jealousy and mate guarding:

Sue

After her boyfriend, Nick, told her that they should take some time apart, Sue sought help in therapy to deal with her irrational jealousy.

Sue told her therapist that Nick was a great guy and she had no objective reason to believe he was cheating on her or even interested in anyone else.  However, even the mere thought that he could become interested in another woman made her anxious, obsessively jealous and insecure.

She gave many examples of when she and Nick were around other people and how she would imagine Nick with one of the women in the group.  She felt something came over her, she lost all objectivity and then she would spend the rest of the night monitoring Nick's behavior--even watching to see if he glanced at any of the attractive women in the group.

Afterwards when they were alone, Sue would grill Nick to try to find out if he found any of these women attractive.  Since Nick knew about Sue's irrational jealousy, he would try to change the subject, but once Sue was on the topic, she wouldn't let it go.

Eventually, after she hounded Nick about whether he noticed the attractive women at the social event, they would get into an argument and she would break up with him.  

Once she calmed down, Sue realized that these thoughts had taken over her better judgment and she would apologize to Nick.  Then, they would make up and get along for a while until the next time that Sue got jealous.

After the last event, Sue insisted that Nick check in with her several times a day to give her an account of his whereabouts.  She also told him that she wanted to install a tracking device on his phone, which he adamantly refused.

Most of the time Nick was patient with Sue, but after a particularly volatile exchange where she accused him of looking at an attractive women at a party, Nick said he was fed up. That's when he told her that he thought they needed some time apart.

As usual, when Sue calmed down, she realized she was being irrational and she apologized, but Nick insisted that they spend a few months apart so he could clear his head.  Even though Sue felt remorseful because she realized her mistake, she was even more concerned now that they were apart that Nick would meet someone else during their separation.

Sue revealed to her therapist that this wasn't the first time she experienced irrational jealousy in a relationship.  She felt the same way in her previous two serious relationships and her jealousy contributed to the demise of those relationships.  

In each case, she said, she knew logically that she had no reason to be jealous, but she felt once she became jealous, she couldn't help herself.  She told her therapist that she didn't want her jealousy to ruin her relationship with Nick, and she hoped it wasn't too late to overcome her problem.

As Sue discussed her family history with her therapist, she recounted her parents' marital problems.  She said her parents fought openly in front of Sue and her siblings about the father's infidelity (see my article: How Childhood Trauma Affects Adult Intimate Relationships).

She said her mother eventually found out that the father not only had an extramarital affair, but he also had several children with the other woman.  According to Sue, after her mother found out the father had another secret family, she threw him out of the house and he went to live with the other woman and their children.

Sue said she and her father had been very close before this, but after her mother told him to leave, she didn't see him for many years.  She said she believed as a child, and even as an adult, that her father loved his other children more and she was devastated by the loss.

Just before her father died, Sue said, he reached out to her and her siblings to reconnect.  Her siblings wanted nothing to do with him, but she went to visit him and spent the remaining weeks of his life visiting him at the hospital.  By then, he was a sad and lonely man--his relationship with the other woman had been long over and he had no contact with the children from that relationship.

Even though she had a chance to reconnect with her father before he died, she couldn't overcome her longstanding feelings of being abandoned and that her belief that he preferred the children from the other relationship (see my article: Fear of Abandonment Can Occur Even in a Healthy Relationship).

Her therapist recognized that Sue's childhood trauma was triggering Sue, and that history was having a negative impact on her relationship with Nick. So she helped Sue to develop internal resources to contain her emotions first, and then they worked on the original source of the trauma related to feeling abandoned by her father with a combination of EMDR therapy, Somatic Experiencing and AEDP therapy).

Once Sue processed and resolved her childhood traumatic memories over the course of trauma therapy, she was able to distinguish between her emotions related to her memories and her current relationship with Nick and she was no longer triggered.

Eventually, Sue no longer felt jealous and she had no need to engage in mate guarding behavior. Over time, after she and Nick reunited, they were much happier together.

Conclusion

When a person knows there are no objective reasons to feel jealous in their relationship and yet they still struggle with jealousy and mate guarding behavior, there is usually underlying unresolved trauma that is getting triggered. 

Trauma therapy can be very helpful in processing unresolved memories that trigger irrational jealousy (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

Although the clinical vignette presented above was focused on a woman who engaged in irrationally jealous behavior, this story could have just as easily been about a man because both men and women engage in these dynamics.

Getting Help in Therapy

Irrational jealousy and mate guarding behavior can ruin a relationship.

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to overcome problems related to irrational jealousy so you can free yourself from this dynamic and have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP and EFT therapist.

I work with individuals and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Irrational Jealousy and Mate Guarding in Relationships - Part 1

Most people would agree that being abandoned by a spouse or a romantic partner can be heartbreaking.  This is especially true when a partner leaves to be with someone else.  However, even in relationships where there is no objective threat, jealousy and mate guarding behavior can be the destructive element that drives a couple apart (see my article: Overcoming Jealousy).

Irrational Jealousy and Mate Guarding in Relationships

What is Mate Guarding?

Mate guarding occurs in both the animal kingdom and among humans.

Mate guarding can involve:

• keeping constant tabs on a partner
• checking that a partner is where s/he says she is
• going through a partner's phone or personal items to look for suspicious calls, texts or email, letters, hotel bills, etc.
• secretly listening into phone calls
• installing a tracking device in a partner's phone or car
• stalking/spying on a partner
• asking friends or other individuals to keep tabs on a partner
• questioning a partner about friendships, coworkers and other people
• constantly questioning a partner's motives about engaging in separate activities
• wanting a partner to give up certain social activities 

And so on.

The Effect of Irrational Jealousy and Mate Guarding in Relationships

Irrational jealousy that turns into mate guarding can have a very toxic effect on a relationship.  The partner who is engaging in mate guarding can lose objectivity and become irrational and accusatory.

Most partners who are being unfairly accused of wrongdoing eventually become resentful.  In addition, the partner who is on the receiving end of mate guarding behavior often feels controlled and suffocated, which creates even greater problems.  

By being irrationally jealous, the partner who fears being abandoned can actually bring about the demise of the relationship if the partner gets fed up.  At the very least, it erodes the quality of the relationship.

When someone has a history of jealous mate guarding, s/he often has insecure attachment problems, specifically, anxious attachment.  See my articles:  

• What is Your Attachment Style?, 
• How Does Your Attachment Style Affect Your Relationship?
• How to Develop a Secure Attachment Style: What is Earned Secure Attachment?

In my next article, I'll provide a clinical example of irrational jealousy and mate guarding in a relationship.  See Part 2 of this topic.

Getting Help in Therapy

It can be difficult to step back from irrational jealousy on your own.  Triggers often occur so quickly that you don't have time to reflect on your irrational thoughts.

Even if you know objectively that your jealousy is irrational, you might feel very different on an emotional level.

A skilled psychotherapist can help you get to the root of your problems to help you change your behavior.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional so you can enjoy your relationship and live a more fulfilling life (see my article: How Therapy Can Help You to Overcome Your Fear of Abandonment).

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up an appointment, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.