Relationships: Jealousy Isn't Love

Jealousy is a common emotion experienced in varying degrees in most romantic relationships (see my article: Overcoming Jealousy That's Ruining Your Relationship).

What is Jealousy?

Feeling jealous is often a signal of perceived danger to the relationship. 

Jealousy usually involves a fear of losing a partner to a rival. 

Jealousy Isn't Love

A little bit of jealousy can be a signal that you and your partner need to talk about insecurity and unmet needs. 

Communication between you and your partner about what makes each of you jealous or uncomfortable can help you to make positive changes in your relationship.

Why Do People Confuse Jealousy and Love?

People confuse jealousy and love because jealousy tends to: 

• Signal a deep emotional investment
• A fear of losing someone who is important 
• A perceived threat to a valued bond

Jealousy is often romanticized as proof of devotion, but this is incorrect because jealousy isn't love.

What Can Trigger a Jealous Reaction?

Almost anything can trigger a jealous reaction. It depends on the person.

Examples might include:

• Spending time with friends
• Talking to an attractive person at a party
• Going to lunch with a coworker
• Talking about a former romantic partner which is called retroactive jealousy

How is Jealousy Different From Envy?

People often confuse jealousy and envy.

Whereas jealousy is losing someone or something to a third party, envy is wanting something that someone else has.

When Does Jealousy Become Unhealthy?

A fleeting pang of jealousy which leads to you and your partner talking about the relationship in a calm and thoughtful way can be a good thing and can bring you closer.  

This is different from excessive jealousy.

Jealousy Isn't Love

Excessive jealousy can lead to:

• Obsessive thoughts and an inability to let go of fears, which leads to constant worry

• Controlling behavior like dictating who a partner can see or where a partner can go, dictating what a partner can wear, forbidding certain activities and so on

• Constant unwarranted suspicion with unfounded accusations and excessive questioning

• Possessive or accusatory reactions

• Invading privacy such as checking a partner's phone and demanding constant updates, which can erode a relationship

• Psychological manipulation using guilt or self pity

• Isolation such as trying to isolate a partner from friends and family

Overcoming Excessive Jealousy

• Self Reflection: If you're the partner who is excessively jealous, reflect on your behavior and identify your insecurities. Recognize that you have a problem and work on building your self esteem and confidence.               

Jealousy Isn't Love

• Personal Safety: If you're the partner who is experiencing excessive jealousy from your partner, consider your personal safety first. If your partner is threatening you, you need to confide in at least one trusted loved one and remove yourself from harm.

• Communication: Assuming you can both remain calm, speak openly with your partner about your feelings without blame.

Get Help in Therapy

• Seek Help: Seek help in individual therapy or couples therapy to work out issues around jealousy.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have worked with individual adults and couples for over 25 years.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

Recognizing When You Feel Safe or Unsafe in Your Relationships

Irrational Jealousy and Mate Guarding in Relationships

How Do You Know If You're in an Unhealthy Relationship?

Obsessive Jealousy

Overcoming Jealousy

Why Do People Suppress Their Emotions?

Many people have a difficult time experiencing certain emotions in a healthy way so they suppress their emotions, which has health and mental health consequences.

Emotional Suppression

Which Emotions Are Commonly Suppressed?

The following emotions are the ones that are commonly suppressed among people who feel they need to hide these emotions:

• Anger: Anger is often perceived as being aggressive or out of control (even for people who are experiencing anger in a controlled way). Frustration and rage, which are part of anger, are often suppressed (see my article: Fear of Anger is Often Coupled With Guilt and Shame).

• Sadness or Grief: Crying or showing sadness or grief is often discouraged in our society, especially for men. This often leads to emotional suppression.

• Fear or Vulnerability: Society tends to value strength so showing fear or emotional vulnerability is discouraged (see my article: The Emotional Vulnerability of Being in a Relationship).

• Shame and Guilt: Shame and guilt are often discouraged in Western culture because there is a negative perception of emotions (see my article: Understanding the Difference Between Guilt and Shame).

• Envy and Jealousy: Many people push down feelings of envy or jealousy because these emotions are perceived as negative (see my articles: Overcoming Jealousy and Is Envy Ruining Your Relationships?).

• Disappointment: Disappointment is similar to sadness. Many people hide these emotions to appear "strong" and not to burden others (see my article: 5 Tips For Overcoming Routine Disappointments).

Why Do People Suppress Emotions?

Emotional Suppression

• Social Conditioning: As mentioned above, many people are taught to be "tough" or polite which leads to hiding emotions which are perceived as negative.

• Fear of Judgment: People who suppress certain emotions often fear that they will be judged or criticized for expressing certain emotions, so they suppress these emotions rather than expressing them.

• Maladaptive Coping Mechanism: People who suppress certain emotions hide these emotions as a maladaptive coping strategy to avoid discomfort or situations they feel would be overwhelming for them (see my article: Avoidance as a Maladaptive Coping Strategy).

What Are the Consequences of Emotional Suppression?

The most common consequences of emotional suppression include:

• Mental Health: People who suppress emotions are at a higher risk for anxiety, depression , emotional numbing and trauma-related issues as compared to people who express their emotions in a healthy way.

Emotional Suppression

• Physical Health: These symptoms include high blood pressure, heart problems, chronic pain and other physical symptoms (see my article: How Emotional Suppression Can Lead to Physical Health and Mental Health Problems).

• Emotions Resurface More Intensely: People who suppress their emotions often discover that these emotions resurface in a more intense way. They are also more at risk, compared to people who can express their emotions in a healthy way, for alcoholism, drug abuse and other impulsive or compulsive way

Get Help in Therapy

If you tend to suppress emotions that make you feel uncomfortable, you could benefit from getting help from a licensed mental health professional.

Get Help in Therapy

Learning to express your emotions in a healthy way can help you to be more self aware, reduce anxiety and stress, improve health and mental health and develop healthier relationships (see my article: Learning How to Express Your Emotions in a Healthy Way).

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed psychotherapist so you can live a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Parts Work (IFS and Ego States), Somatic Experiencing and a Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Article:

Allow Yourself to Feel So You Can Heal

 

Relationships: What Does It Mean to Be Monogamish?

The term "monogamish" was originally coined by Dan Savage, a nationally syndicated columnist and author.

Monogamish Relationships

Monogamish refers to a couple who is primarily monogamous but their relationship agreement allows for occasional sexual or romantic activity with others with the full consent of both people in the primary relationship.

What Are the Key Characteristics of Monogamish Couples?

The key characteristics of monogamish couples include:

• Being Mostly Monogamous: The primary couple is usually monogamous and they remain committed to their relationship.

• Agreed Upon Nonmonogamy: The partners in the primary relationship have an established agreement that has rules and boundaries for sexual or romantic connections outside the primary relationship. This can range from occasional flirting to infrequent sexual or romantic connections outside the relationship--depending upon what each individual in the primary relationship wants.

Monogamish Relationships

• Focus on Casual Connections Outside the Relationship: The couple's agreement is that any connections outside their relationship will be infrequent and casual without any intent of forming lasting relationships with others.

• Communication and Trust: Monogamish relationships require a high level of open communication, collaboration and trust within the primary relationship to navigate the possible challenges involved. A written agreement that is collaborated between the individuals in the primary relationship is recommended.

Monogamish Relationships

• Enhanced Connection: Many couples in monogamish relationships find that new experiences outside their primary relationship can enhance their relationship by strengthening their bond and increasing satisfaction with their relationship. Other couples prefer to have a Don't Ask Don't Tell agreement or only share limited information between them about their experiences with others. Other couples experiment with being monogamish and discover it doesn't work for them for a variety of reasons.

How Are Monogamish Relationships Different From Other Relationships?

Monogamish relationships differ from other relationship modalities:

• Completely Monogamous: Relationships that are strictly monogamous maintain a sexual and romantic connection within their relationship. They have no agreement to have other romantic or sexual connections with others.

• Polyamory: These relationships include multiple loving, romantic and sexual relationships at the same time with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved (see my article: What is Solo Polyamory?).

Monogamish Relationships

• Open Relationships: This is a broad term for all consensually nonmonogamous relationships.

How Can You and Your Partner Develop a Monogamish Relationship?

Here are some considerations for being in a monogamish relationship--assuming both individuals in the primary relationship want to be monogamish:

• Have a Written Agreement: It's important to have a clearly defined agreement in writing about the boundaries and expectations in terms of what is and isn't allowed as part of the monogamish agreement. Having the agreement in writing helps both people to be clear on what they are agreeing to and to make revisions to the agreement when necessary. 

Monogamish Relationships

• Talk About Jealousy: Although jealousy is common in monogamish relationships, it's important to know how to manage jealous feelings calmly and in a way where each person in the primary relationship can address their needs (see my article: What is Compersion in Nonmonogamous Relationships?).

• Work Through Insecurities: Being able to address insecurities as they come up is important, especially when there might be small deviations from the couple's agreement.

• Be Aware That Switching to Being Monogamish Won't Save a Struggling Relationship: Too often couples switch from being monogamous to being monogamish when they are struggling with certain problems in their relationship, including discrepancies in sexual desire or infidelity. However, being monogamish often makes existing problems worse and can add problems to an already struggling relationship. Being monogamish works best when the relationship is stable and the couple is basically satisfied within the relationship. When there are existing problems, a couple would do better to work on these problems first either on their own or, if they can't resolve the problems on their own, to seek help in couples therapy (see my article: What is Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy?).

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

Being monogamish can be challenging at times for couples of all sexual orientations.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

An experienced couples therapist who is also a sex therapist can help couples to navigate these challenges so that the needs of both people are met.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who has an expertise with all types of relationships.

About Me

I am licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and a Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: Overcoming Retroactive Jealousy

Retroactive jealousy is a problem in many relationships. This type of jealousy can occur for  people with any attachment style, but it's especially common for people who have an anxious attachment style.

Relationships: Overcoming Retroactive Jealousy

What is Retroactive Jealousy?

Retroactive jealousy involves feeling threatened or insecure about a partner's past romantic relationships.

Retroactive jealousy has the following characteristics:

• Emotional Distress: Feeling anxious, angry or resentful of your partner's previous relationships--even though your partner is no longer involved in these relationships

• Obsessive Thoughts: Recurring and unwanted thoughts about your partner's prior relationships

Overcoming Retroactive Jealousy

• Intrusive Behaviors: Including obsessively checking your partner's phone or computer, following your partner's social media obsessively, tracking your partner's whereabouts with a tracker or questioning your partner repeatedly about their past or questioning whether they have had any thoughts or contact with their prior partners

• Compulsive Behaviors: Feeling compelled to engage in certain behaviors to try to control or prevent your partner from having any contact or even thoughts about their previous partners

• Difficulty Accepting Your Partner's Past: Difficulty accepting that your partner had a life with experiences that didn't include you

• Fear of Abandonment: Fear that their partner will leave you

How is Retroactive Jealousy Related to An Anxious Attachment Style?

As previously mentioned, retroactive jealousy can be related to any attachment style, but it's especially difficult for people with an anxious attachment style.

Overcoming Retroactive Jealousy

An anxious attachment style can lead to excessive worry and insecurity about the relationship.

People who experience retroactive jealousy are fixated on their partner's prior relationships or experiences that didn't include them.

Potential Causes of Retroactive Jealousy

• Insecurity: Lack of confidence, low self esteem, lack of trust in a partner

• Past Relationship Experiences: Prior relationship trauma: Infidelity, a partner maintaining contact with prior partners where the boundaries were unclear and other related issues

• Family of Origin Experiences: Including (but not limited to): Growing up with one or both parents who criticized or invalidated you; physical abuse, childhood emotional neglect; one or both parents engaging in infidelity; emotional or financial instability; being a parentified child; parental alienation, alcohol or drug abuse and other related problems

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many cases to protect confidentiality, illustrates how retroactive jealousy has a negative impact on a relationship and how psychotherapy can help:

Brenda

After her boyfriend, Joe, gave her an ultimatum to either get help in therapy or he would end their relationship, Brenda sought help from a licensed mental health professional.

Overcoming Retroactive Jealousy

She told her therapist that, objectively, she knew her boyfriend wasn't cheating on her, but whenever she thought about his prior relationship with another woman, she felt extremely jealous of that  relationship, highly anxious and insecure.

She tried not to act on her jealousy but, against her better judgment, there were times she couldn't contain her feelings and she would question her boyfriend relentlessly about whether he ever thought about his prior girlfriend, whether he thought his prior girlfriend was more attractive than her, how his relationship with his prior girlfriend compared to their relationship and whether he would ever leave her for his prior girlfriend.

According to Brenda, at first, Joe tried to patiently reassure her, but no matter how much he tried to reassure her, she never felt any emotional relief. His reassurances would lead her to ask more detailed questions to the point where, even though they were spending hours talking about this, these talks only made her want more reassurances.

When Joe tried to set limits with Brenda about these conversations, she felt ambivalent. On the one hand, when she could calm herself, she realized she was being obsessive for no apparent reason but, on the other hand, she couldn't control her obsessive thoughts and behaviors and she felt compelled to keep questioning Joe.

According to Brenda, when Joe found out that Brenda was following his ex-girlfriend on social media to see if there were any pictures of Joe and his ex online, he told Brenda that her jealousy was getting out of hand. He also tried to reason with her that it seemed the more time Brenda spent on his ex's social media, the worse she felt--even though she found no evidence that Joe and his ex were spending time together.

Brenda told her therapist that the last straw for Joe was when Brenda hacked into his email and texts. She found an old text from Joe's ex from years before he began seeing Brenda. The text had an old picture of Joe and his ex smiling at the beach.

Brenda explained to her therapist that she couldn't contain her jealousy about the photo and, even though she knew she shouldn't have hacked into his account, she confronted him about the text with a barrage of questions: "Why are you keeping this photo?" Do you think your ex is prettier than me?" "Do you ever have fantasies about your ex?"

At that point, Joe told Brenda that he didn't even remember having this old photo on his phone. He agreed to delete the photo if Brenda agreed to get help in therapy for her excessive jealousy. He told her that if she didn't get help, he would end the relationship.

Brenda told her therapist that Joe's ultimatum made her feel even worse because she feared that if Joe broke up with her, he would go back to his ex.  Even though she could see how she was creating problems in her relationship with her irrational jealousy, she felt she couldn't stop her obsessive thoughts and compulsive behavior including her obsessive questioning of Joe.

Her therapist became aware that Brenda's anxious attachment style stemmed from an unstable childhood home with both parents engaging in infidelity, reckless spending, and a constant stream of invalidating messages they gave Brenda about her looks and her intelligence. They also told her she was worthlessness and she would never find a husband because no one could ever love her. They also compared her negatively to her older sister (see my article: Comparison and Judgment Are the Thieves of Joy).

    Therapy Treatment Plan

Her therapist proposed both short-term and longer-term therapy work:

    Short Term Work

The short term work involved Brenda developing increased self awareness and better coping skills including:

• Doing Mindfulness Meditation: Her therapist told her to practice 15 minutes of mindfulness meditation with a beginner's mindfulness recording twice a day (see my article: Mindfulness Meditation: Coping With Painful Emotions).

• Focusing on the Present: As she developed her mindfulness skills, Brenda was encouraged by her therapist to bring her mind to the present moment whenever she felt herself beginning to have obsessive thoughts about her boyfriend's ex--even if she had to do this more than a hundred times a day (see my article: Being in the Present Moment).

Keeping a Journal

• Keeping a Journal: Brenda was encouraged to keep a journal where she reflected on her thoughts and feelings including both her irrational and objective thoughts and feelings related to her retroactive jealousy (see my article: Journal Writing to Relieve Stress and Anxiety).

• Developing Increased Self Esteem and Confidence Through Confidence Boosting- Activity: Brenda's therapist encouraged her to engage in activities that made her feel good about herself, including artwork which Brenda enjoyed and felt confident doing. She also instructed Brenda to write down times when she felt good about herself both in and outside her relationship.

• Setting Limits With Herself: Rather than relying on her boyfriend to set limits, her therapist encouraged Brenda to set limits for herself so she wouldn't spiral into relentless and obsessive thoughts, feelings and questioning of her boyfriend. Her therapist also asked Brenda to write in her journal whenever she found herself on the brink of the spiraling into obsession--rather than questioning her boyfriend as a way to practice emotional containment (see my article: Practicing the Container Exercise).

Even though she still felt very jealous of Joe's ex, Brenda was able to reduce her obsessive thoughts, feelings and questioning of her boyfriend by using the tools her therapist recommended. 

Along the way, she had some setbacks, but both Brenda and Joe noticed the positive change in her and he encouraged her to continue therapy.

    Longer Term Work

The longer term work in therapy involved helping Brenda to overcome the root of her retroactive jealousy including her family of origin trauma using a combination of various trauma therapy modalities:

• EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) Therapy
  

• AEDP (Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy)
  

• Somatic Experiencing
  

• Parts Work Therapy: including Ego States Therapy and Internal Family Systems (IFS)
  

The work was neither quick nor easy, but Brenda made steady progress with some certain missteps along the way (see my article: Setbacks Are a Normal Part of Healing in Therapy).

Conclusion

Retroactive jealousy is a complex problem that affects many relationships.

As illustrated in the composite vignette, retroactive jealousy has the potential to ruin a relationship.

In many cases, retroactive jealousy doesn't get better without professional help. Without professional help, it can get worse.

Certain self help strategies outlined above (e.g., focusing on the present, meditation and engaging in confidence-boosting activities, etc.) can be help to manage the symptoms of retroactive jealousy. But what is most helpful is getting to the root of the problem--whether the root of the problem stems from your family of origin, prior relationships or other related causes.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you feel your excessive jealousy is having a negative impact on your well-being and your relationship, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who has an expertise in this issue (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

Getting Help in Therapy

Overcoming retroactive jealousy requires a commitment to personal growth, patience, perseverance and a willingness to work through your challenges.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek professional help so you can lead a more peaceful and meaningful life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing, Parts Work and Sex Therapy.

I have over 20 years of experience helping individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles

Overcoming Jealousy

Are You Arguing About Your Partner's Sexual History Before You Were in a Relationship With Him?

How to Reduce Reactivity in Your Relationship

Romantic Attractions: What Are the 3 Stages of Limerence?

In my prior article, Romantic Attractions: What is Limerence, Also Known As "Love At First Sight", I defined limerence and its similarities and differences to love.  In the current article, I'm focusing on the 3 Stages of Limerence.

Romantic Attractions: The 3 Stages of Limerence

As a recap: Limerence is a state of mind where someone feels infatuated or obsessed with the person they desire. This state of mind is often referred to as "love at first sight."  Limerence usually occurs during the early stage of a relationship.  Generally, it lasts anywhere from a few months to a few years for most people. It has similarities and differences with love, which you can read about in the prior article.

What Are the 3 Stages of Limerence?

• Stage 1: Infatuation: This stage occurs during the early stage of a relationship. This is the "honeymoon" phase or the stage when there's a crush. Relationship experts often refer to it as the infatuation stage.  It's often characterized by obsession, possessiveness and jealousy as well as idealization of the desired person (as opposed to a realistic perspective).

• Stage 2: Crystallization: Limerence begins to fade in this stage as the two people get to know each other. They're each beginning to get a more realistic perspective about each other.  If the two people become a couple, they face disappointments in each other as well as in other parts of life and they face challenges together. During this stage, although the perspective might be a little more realistic, they might also rationalize away individual problems as well as problems between them.  There is a strong impulse to try to maintain the earlier stage of infatuation even as it might begin to fade.  There might still be obsessive thoughts and emotions during this phase.

• Stage 3: Deterioration: This is the stage where limerence deteriorates. Deterioration can happen quickly or slowly over time depending upon the two people and the situation involved. Instead of idealizing the other person, the person is this stage sees their flaws and problems in the relationship more clearly.  Any unrealistic fantasies fade.

Clinical Vignette: The 3 Stages of Limerence

The following clinical vignette illustrates how someone can go through the 3 Stages of Limerence. As always, the vignette is a composite of many clinical cases with all identifying information removed.

Alice

When Alice met Rick, she had not been in a relationship for three years.  Her last relationship ended badly after she found out her boyfriend was cheating on her.  

After that relationship ended, she was in despair because she wanted to get married and have children and, since she was in her mid-30s, she was concerned about her age.

She met Rick on a dating app and she liked that he wanted to meet her after a few texts.  So many of the other men she texted with on these dating sites seemed fearful of meeting in person.

From the moment she met Rick, she felt immediately drawn to him.  She found him very handsome, intelligent, charming and funny.  

After their first date, Alice couldn't stop thinking about Rick.  He texted her everyday and called her several times that first week.  He showered her with so many compliments and gifts that her close friends warned her that she was being love bombed, but Alice ignored them (see my article: 10 Signs You're Being Love Bombed).

After the first week, they were spending 3-4 days together even though they were busy with work and other commitments.  

Alice was so infatuated with Rick that she only wanted to spend time with him instead of spending time with her friends.  Rick also told her that his friends were complaining that he didn't hang out with them anymore, but he said he didn't care--he only wanted to be with her.

Sex was passionate between them. Alice never felt as free sexually as she felt with Rick. He introduced her to sexual role play and kinky sex, which she loved.

During that time, they agreed to be exclusive with each other, so they both got off the dating app.  By then, Alice was obsessed with Rick.  When her close friends suggested that she slow down, Alice ignored them.  

When Alice's old college buddy, Mike, contacted her to say he would be in town and he would love to see her, she told Rick about it.  He became jealous and angry.  Even after she tried to reassure Rick that her friendship with Mike had always been strictly platonic, Rick told her that he didn't want her to see Mike. 

Alice thought Rick's possessiveness and jealousy meant he loved her.  And, since she didn't want to do anything to jeopardize her relationship with Rick, she told Mike she would be out of town and she couldn't see him.  

Once again, Alice's friends warned her she was confusing jealousy and possessiveness for love, but she didn't pay attention to their warnings.

Shortly after that, Alice and Rick were in an Indian restaurant and she was surprised to see how rude Rick was to the waiter.  After the waiter left, Rick mumbled a racial slur under his breath--something Alice had never seen him do before.

Although she didn't like Rick's rudeness and she felt somewhat disheartened, Alice rationalized his behavior away by telling herself that he was tired and he didn't realize how he was behaving. But it continued to bother her.

By then, Rick wasn't texting and calling her as much.  He told her he had to stay at work late and his weekends were taken up by a special project he was working on.  

But Alice's best friend saw Rick holding hands with another woman in a restaurant on a Saturday night when he told Alice he was at work.

Romantic Attractions: The 3 Stages of Limerence

When Alice heard about Rick being with another woman, she was shocked.  She couldn't believe he would lie to her this way.  

She called Rick repeatedly the same day she heard about the other woman, but he didn't return her calls.  A few days later, Rick contacted her in a short text admitting he lied about being busy at work. 

He rationalized it by writing he didn't want to hurt her feelings.  He also told her he was no longer interested in seeing her anymore because he was head-over-heels about this other woman.

After that text, Rick didn't respond to any more of Alice's texts and eventually she realized he blocked her on his phone.

Shortly after her last contact with Rick, Alice began therapy to try to understand why she kept choosing men who hurt her (see my article: Choosing Healthier Relationships).

Conclusion

The vignette about Alice discusses the 3 Stages of Limerence from Infatuation to Deterioration.  

Alice was particularly vulnerable at that time because it had been a long time since she had been in a relationship, her last relationship was so disappointing, she wanted to get married and have children and she was concerned about her age.

During the Infatuation Stage, she was obsessed with thoughts of Rick and couldn't get enough of him. She ignored the red flags that her friends could see clearly, and she also ignored her friends' warnings (see my article: Do Your Friends See "Red Flags" About Your Relationship That You're Not Seeing?).

During the Crystallization Stage, she began to see flaws in Rick, but she remained ambivalent.  Although she saw these flaws, she rationalized them away by making excuses for him.

The Deterioration Stage came abruptly crashing down on Alice after her friend told her that Rick was cheating on her, he admitted cheating by text, told Alice that he only wanted to see this other woman and eventually blocked her from his phone.

Her illusions were crushed and she had no choice but to admit to herself she was making poor choices when it came to the men she dated.  

She also realized she needed help in therapy to deal with this problem. 

In therapy, her therapist could help her to identify the unconscious issues and blind spots related to her early history and help her to make better choices (see my article: Unhealthy Relationships: Bad Luck or Poor Choices?).

Next Article: Can Limerence Turn Into Love?

In the vignette about Alice, her relationship with Rick never developed beyond the limerence.  In the next article, I'll discuss what happens when limerence turns into love.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

 

Romantic Attractions: What is Limerence (Also Known As Infatuation)?

Dorothy Tennov, Ph.D., coined the term "limerence" to describe the early stage of a romantic relationship.  She wrote about her research findings in her 1979 book, Love and Limerence: The Early Experience of Being in Love.

What is Limerence?

Limerence is a state of mind where someone is infatuated or obsessed with the person they desire.  It's often an involuntary state where someone has a strong desire to be with that person.  

Romantic Attractions: Limerence

Limerence usually occurs during the early stage of an attraction.  Generally speaking, limerence often lasts anywhere from a few months and a few years.  There can be individual variation.

Depending upon the individual and the circumstances, limerence can be categorized by either euphoric feelings or feelings of despair.

Limerence is also described as "love at first sight," although there is a difference between love and limerence, which I'll explain in a bit.

Romantic Attractions: Limerence

During the early stage of two people getting to know each other, limerence is often characterized by one or both people craving each other when they're apart. 

They want to spend more time together, be more affectionate and, if they're sexual, have more sex. One or both of them feel like they can't get enough of each other.

How is Limerence Different From Love?

The difference between love and limerence can be confusing because they look similar.

Similarities Between Love and Limerence

Both love and limerence start out with a dopamine rush.  

But limerence is relatively short-lived and conditional.  

Limerence can disappear if the person isn't getting what they want from the other person. 

For instance, if the other person isn't able to spend as much time with them as they want or if the other person doesn't express affection to them in the way they want or as often as they want, limerence can disappear.  

When the person in the limerence state doesn't get their needs gratified, they can feel like a bubble has burst.

Differences Between Love and Limerence

During the limerence phase, a person often idealizes the person they're infatuated with and focuses mostly on the other person's positive qualities and might overlook their problems (see my article: Relationships: The Ideal vs the Real).

Love is more fluid and less conditional.  Whereas limerence can make a person feel like their head is in the clouds, love is much more grounded.  Instead of being focused on what the other person can give them, they want the other person to be happy.  

Love goes beyond a superficial attraction. There is a deeper connection and an emotional vulnerability as two people get to know each other.  Over time, they experience life together and ride the waves of life's many challenges together.

To summarize the differences: Whereas love is based on rootedness, emotional connection, intimacy and it's reality based, limerence is based on infatuation, idealization, obsession, possession, conditions, jealousy and unrealistic expectations.  

Next Article: The 3 Phases of Limerence

I'll continue to discuss limerence in my next article which will focus on the three phases of limerence: Romantic Attractions: The 3 Phases of Limerence.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.