Managing Emotions: What is the Life Cycle of an Emotion?

Many people struggle with allowing themselves to experience their emotions. 

The Life Cycle of Emotions

This is often because they were taught at a young age, either directly or indirectly, that certain emotions need to be controlled or suppressed--especially emotions like sadness, grief, shame or other uncomfortable emotions (see my article: Overcoming Trauma: You're Not Defined By What Happened to You).

The Life Cycle of Emotions

In therapy people learn that emotions are like waves. 

They have a life cycle: They ascend, peak and subside. 

Driven by a neurochemical release, this often occurs in as little as 90 seconds (see my article: Developing Emotional Regulation Skills).

Emotions Are Like Waves

An emotion often starts with a trigger, intensifies as the brain processes the emotion and peaks when physiological sensations (e.g., heart rate) are most intense. Then the emotion will subside as the body processes the neurochemical surge.

Let's break this down further to understand the life cycle of emotions:

• The Rise: An event triggers a reaction which causes a surge of neurochemicals in the brain. The feeling begins as a sensation in the body. This might include a tightness in the chest, a flash of heat or the sensation of a drop in the stomach. 

• The Peak: Usually within as little as 90 seconds the emotion reaches its maximum intensity. At that point, the "reptilian brain", which is the oldest part of the brain, can take over and trigger the fight, flight or freeze response. This often causes an inability to think straight.

• The Fall: If the emotion is not stimulated again by further thought, the chemicals dissipate from the blood and the sensation subsides.

How Do Emotions Get Prolonged?

While the natural physiological wave of an emotion is short, emotional experiences can last for hours or days if you "feed" them. 

This happens by replaying a story in your mind, ruminating about it, and overanalyzing it, which creates another 90 second loop and another and another.

How to Manage the Wave of an Emotion

• Label the Emotion: Acknowledge the emotion ("I feel angry" or "I feel sad") to reduce its power.

Breathe Through the Emotion

• Breathe Through the Emotion: Stay present with the physical sensations without trying to fight it or suppress it (see my article: Square Breathing).

• Let It Go: Allow the emotion to pass naturally instead of feeding the emotions.

Conclusion

Knowing about the life cycle of emotions is essential for improving mental health, developing emotional intelligence and developing a better relationship with yourself and others.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have over 25 years of experiencing helping individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Why Do People Suppress Their Emotions?

Many people have a difficult time experiencing certain emotions in a healthy way so they suppress their emotions, which has health and mental health consequences.

Emotional Suppression

Which Emotions Are Commonly Suppressed?

The following emotions are the ones that are commonly suppressed among people who feel they need to hide these emotions:

• Anger: Anger is often perceived as being aggressive or out of control (even for people who are experiencing anger in a controlled way). Frustration and rage, which are part of anger, are often suppressed (see my article: Fear of Anger is Often Coupled With Guilt and Shame).

• Sadness or Grief: Crying or showing sadness or grief is often discouraged in our society, especially for men. This often leads to emotional suppression.

• Fear or Vulnerability: Society tends to value strength so showing fear or emotional vulnerability is discouraged (see my article: The Emotional Vulnerability of Being in a Relationship).

• Shame and Guilt: Shame and guilt are often discouraged in Western culture because there is a negative perception of emotions (see my article: Understanding the Difference Between Guilt and Shame).

• Envy and Jealousy: Many people push down feelings of envy or jealousy because these emotions are perceived as negative (see my articles: Overcoming Jealousy and Is Envy Ruining Your Relationships?).

• Disappointment: Disappointment is similar to sadness. Many people hide these emotions to appear "strong" and not to burden others (see my article: 5 Tips For Overcoming Routine Disappointments).

Why Do People Suppress Emotions?

Emotional Suppression

• Social Conditioning: As mentioned above, many people are taught to be "tough" or polite which leads to hiding emotions which are perceived as negative.

• Fear of Judgment: People who suppress certain emotions often fear that they will be judged or criticized for expressing certain emotions, so they suppress these emotions rather than expressing them.

• Maladaptive Coping Mechanism: People who suppress certain emotions hide these emotions as a maladaptive coping strategy to avoid discomfort or situations they feel would be overwhelming for them (see my article: Avoidance as a Maladaptive Coping Strategy).

What Are the Consequences of Emotional Suppression?

The most common consequences of emotional suppression include:

• Mental Health: People who suppress emotions are at a higher risk for anxiety, depression , emotional numbing and trauma-related issues as compared to people who express their emotions in a healthy way.

Emotional Suppression

• Physical Health: These symptoms include high blood pressure, heart problems, chronic pain and other physical symptoms (see my article: How Emotional Suppression Can Lead to Physical Health and Mental Health Problems).

• Emotions Resurface More Intensely: People who suppress their emotions often discover that these emotions resurface in a more intense way. They are also more at risk, compared to people who can express their emotions in a healthy way, for alcoholism, drug abuse and other impulsive or compulsive way

Get Help in Therapy

If you tend to suppress emotions that make you feel uncomfortable, you could benefit from getting help from a licensed mental health professional.

Get Help in Therapy

Learning to express your emotions in a healthy way can help you to be more self aware, reduce anxiety and stress, improve health and mental health and develop healthier relationships (see my article: Learning How to Express Your Emotions in a Healthy Way).

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed psychotherapist so you can live a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Parts Work (IFS and Ego States), Somatic Experiencing and a Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Article:

Allow Yourself to Feel So You Can Heal

 

Overcoming Loneliness

Loneliness is not defined by how many people you have in your life. You can have hundreds of people in your life, but if your connections with them aren't deep and authentic and if these connections aren't meaningful to you, you will experience loneliness.

Overcoming Loneliness

Loneliness is a subjective feeling. It's usually defined by the gap between the social connections you wish you had compared to what you actually have.

Loneliness isn't about being physically alone. It's a feeling--not a physical state. It doesn't matter how many people are around you, if your connections are shallow, you will probably feel lonely. 

Clients often describe their sense of loneliness as feeling emotionally disconnected from others and, in some cases, feeling misunderstood.

What Causes Loneliness?

Loneliness can be caused by many internal and external factors including:

    Internal Factors:

• Mental Health Conditions: Depression, anxiety (including social anxiety),a low sense of self worth and other mental health conditions can make it difficult to develop and maintain relationships.

Overcoming Loneliness

• Past Unresolved Trauma: Unresolved trauma where your trust was violated can make it difficult to trust people.

• Personality: For some people, personality is a factor. For instance, people who are very introverted might find it difficult to form and sustain friendships. 

    External Factors:

• Loss: The death of a loved one, divorce, a breakup or other types of loss can create a sense of loneliness (see my article: Coping With the Loss of a Loved One).

• Life Changes: Moving to a new area, retirement, starting a new job or school or becoming a new parent can disrupt social networks (see my article: Being Open to New Experiences).

Overcoming Loneliness

• Social Isolation: Living alone in a remote area, having a disability that impacts mobility and the ability to have social interaction as well as other circumstances, can have a big impact on loneliness.

• Economic Factors: Financial struggles can make it difficult to participate in social activities.

• Cultural and Societal Pressures: An overreliance on technology instead of having more direct human contact, career stress and discrimination often contribute to loneliness.

What is the Difference Between Loneliness and Solitude?

There are fundamental differences between loneliness and solitude (see my article: What's the Difference Between Loneliness and Solitude?).

• Loneliness: As previously mentioned, loneliness involves wanting to have deeper connections with people but not having them. It can also involve an involuntary separation from meaningful relationships.

• Solitude: Solitude is a voluntary state where people are alone but they enjoy their time alone. They continue to have social relationships with others that they can return to when they want to reconnect with them. Their time alone can be balanced with their time with others.

How to Prevent or Overcome Loneliness

Overcoming loneliness requires making a conscious effort to make a change in your life.

Here are some suggestions that might work for you:

• Be aware that everyone experiences loneliness at some point, but it you feeling lonely most of the time, it's an indication that you need to make a change in your life (see my article: Developing the Internal Motivation to Change).

• Understand the impact that loneliness is having on your health, mental health and overall well-being.

Overcoming Loneliness

• Talk to someone in your life you can trust--a family member, friend or someone else you consider trustworthy.

• Get involved in community service or an activity you enjoy where you can connect with others in a meaningful way.

Overcoming Loneliness

• Anticipate the best from people instead of expecting to be rejected.

Overcoming Loneliness

• Focus on developing quality friendships with people who have similar attitudes, interests and values.

• Strengthen existing connections. While it's important to develop new connections, it's also important to strengthen current connections. Maybe there's a friend or family member you haven't spoken to in a while. Reach out to them.

Get Help in Therapy

Therapy can help you to overcome loneliness.  

Get Help in Therapy

Therapy provides a supportive environment to understand the root causes of loneliness including how mental health issues, coping skills, social skills, negative beliefs and prior traumatic experiences among other issues might be getting in your way.

Therapy can also help you to set and follow through on goals to overcome loneliness and deal with internal blocks which might be unconscious (see my article: Overcoming Emotional Blocks).

Rather than struggling on your own, contact a licensed mental health professional to develop a more meaningful life with deeper connections.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Parts Work Therapy (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and a Certified Sex Therapist.

I have helped many individual adults and couples to overcome loneliness.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW -NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

Why Are Close Friendships Important?

Making Changes: The Need For Emotional Connection and a Sense of Belonging

Vulnerability as a Pathway to Emotional Intimacy  

Feeling Lonely in a Relationship

Why Do Heterosexal Men Tend to Have Fewer Friendships Than Women?

Relationships: Coping With Being Ghosted By Your Partner

Ghosting is the act of ending a relationship with someone by suddenly and without explanation cutting off all contact.

Coping With Being Ghosted By Your Partner

This can include ignoring texts, calls and social media, effectively disappearing from the person's life. It is commonly associated with dating, but it can happen in any relationship and it has become more prevalent since the rise of technology.

Being Ghosted By Your Partner

Being ghosted by someone you're in a relationship with is especially painful. It can leave you with self doubt, many unanswered questions as well as: 

• Lack of Closure: When there is no explanation, it can leave you with questions and a sense of uncertainty that can make it difficult for you to move on.

Coping With Being Ghosted By Your Partner

• The Possibility of Negative Self Talk: Being ghosted by your partner can lead to your experiencing self criticism, self doubt, feeling rejected and a general feeling where you question your self worth.

• The Possibility of Loss of Trust: Being ghosted by your partner can cause you to experience a lack of trust which can make it harder to trust others in future relationships.

Why Do People Ghost Their Partners?

There can be many reasons why a ghoster disappears from someone's life including:

• Conflict Avoidance: The partner might be avoiding an uncomfortable confrontation. They also might not know how to communicate their feelings.

• Emotional Immaturity: Poor communication and conflict resolution skills is usually indicator of emotional immaturity.

• Fear and Anxiety: Fear, anxiety or negative experiences from the past can contribute to ghoster disappearing.

• Loss of Interest: Sometimes ghosting is a sign that the ghoster has lost interest, found someone else or they are having an affair. None of this excuses ghosting.

How to Cope With Being Ghosted By Your Partner

As previously mentioned, being ghosted by a partner can be very hurtful and confusing.

Here are some tips on how to cope:

• Allow Yourself to Grieve: Acknowledge and process your feelings without judgment. Self compassion is essential to healing.

• Try Not to Personalize It: Ghosting is usually a reflection on your partner and their issues--not a reflection on you. Their behavior reflects their inability to handle the situation.

• Acknowledge and Accept the Reality: Even though it's painful, acknowledge and accept that your partner's behavior probably indicates the end of the relationship. It's a definitive action--even without an explanation.

• Focus on Self Care: Take the time to prioritize your own healing. Focus on what brings you joy and helps you to feel secure within yourself.

• Seek Emotional Support: Talk to trusted friends and family members for emotional support.

• Seek Help in Therapy: If you have been especially traumatized by being ghosted and your usual support network isn't enough, seek help in therapy where a licensed mental health professional can help you to get through the crisis.

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette, which is composite of many cases, illustrates the emotional pain and confusion of being ghosted by a partner and how therapy can help:

Jane

Jane came home from work on day and she discovered that Ed had moved out. All of his belongings were removed from the apartment without explanation.

At first, Jane thought they had been robbed, but then she realized that only Ed's belongings were missing and nothing of value had been taken.

She was shocked. Three years into their relationship, everything seemed to be going well between them. They were talking about getting engaged and even discussing when they would get married. So she couldn't understand what had happened.

Coping With Being Ghosted By Your Partner

She tried to call him and text him numerous times that night, but he didn't respond to her.  She even called his family, but they said they didn't know where he was. 

But when she reached his best friend, Joe, he didn't sound surprised. He hesitated before speaking and then said, "I'm sorry Jane. I didn't think he would handle things this way. You need to forget him."

Joe's response was even more confusing to her and she asked him what he knew, but Joe said he didn't want to speak for Ed. He said Ed needed to speak for himself and he thought it was awful that Ed would just leave without talking to Jane.

Without answers as to why Ed left, Jane replayed in her mind the last few weeks as a way to try to understand what happened between them, but she couldn't remember anything that happened that would cause Ed to leave without a word.

For several days Jane kept trying to reach Ed, but her calls kept going to voicemail and he didn't respond to her texts.  

She felt a mixture of anger, sadness, confusion and anxiety. When she talked to her close friends, she felt emotionally supported by them, but she kept wondering what could have possibly gone wrong that would make Ed leave this way.

After a few weeks went by without any word from Ed, Jane sought help in psychotherapy. She felt so overwhelmed by her emotions that she was starting to doubt herself in all areas of her life.  

Her therapist helped Jane to grieve. She felt so abandoned and upset about the way Ed left that she felt like she never wanted to be in another relationship again.

The abandonment was made worse by the fact that Jane lost her father when she was 10 due to his sudden heart attack. No one in the family, including her mother, knew how to grieve, so after the funeral, they went about their daily activities as if nothing had happened. This left Jane feeling alone and not only abandoned by her father but also abandoned by the rest of her family. 

As a result, she never fully grieved the loss of her father, which was now being triggered by Ed's sudden departure.

Her therapist helped Jane to grieve the current loss and the loss of her father using a combination of EMDR Therapy and Parts Work Therapy.

After several months, Jane began to feel like herself again. She still couldn't believe that Ed left without a word, but she accepted the reality of her situation. She realized that it wasn't her fault that he left. She also realized he lacked the emotional maturity to talk to her about breaking up.  

With time, Jane began making some sense of Ed's sudden departure when she remembered her situations he had told her about--including how he suddenly ended a relationship with a fiance 15 years before. He had told her that he regretted ending that relationship in that way and he would never do that again, but Jane realized he had not matured since he ended that relationship.

Initially, she blamed herself for trusting him while she knew he had done this before many years ago, but over time she realized it wasn't her fault.

Aside from talking to her friends and attending therapy, Jane also engaged in hobbies that she used to enjoy. At first, she felt like she was just going through the motions but, gradually, she regained her sense of enjoyment.

Working through the original loss of her father and the abrupt end to her relationship with Joe wasn't easy. It took time and work in therapy to heal.

A couple of years later, Jane was in a new relationship with Tom. She was hesitant, at first to trust him but, since he knew her history, Tom was patient with Jane and he showed himself to be trustworthy.

Although she never found out why Ed left, Jane left go of her sadness and resentment as she healed in therapy. 

Conclusion

Being ghosted is a painful experience, especially when it occurs in a relationship.

There is no excuse for the ghoster to disappear suddenly without an explanation, but there can be many reasons that often have little or nothing to do with the person who is being ghosted.

After the initial shock, accepting the reality of the situation and allowing yourself to grieve is part of the healing process.

If the support of trusted family and friends isn't enough, consider getting help from a licensed mental health professional who has the expertise to help you on your healing journey.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples and I have helped many clients to grieve their losses.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How to Be Open to New Relationship Possibilities After Healing From a Bad Breakup

Opening your heart to new relationship possibilities can be challenging after a bad breakup (see my article: Coping With a Breakup).

After a bad breakup, some people vow to never be in a relationship again. Then there are others who get involved too quickly to avoid feeling the pain of their breakup (see my article: The Many Layers of Grief).

As a psychotherapist in private practice who works with both individual adults and couples, I see both--individuals who rush to get involved too quickly and others who close themselves off to the possibility of getting involved with someone new.

How to Be Open to a New Relationship After a Bad Breakup

Each person has to make their own decision about what's best for them.

For people who want to be open to a new relationship eventually, these tips might be helpful:

• Give Yourself Time to Grieve and Heal: Allow yourself to feel the sadness, anger and disappointment without judging yourself for having these feelings, which are common and normal. Too many people jump into their next relationship to avoid feeling the emotional pain from a recent breakup. This is a mistake. Give yourself the time and space to heal--even if it's taking longer than you might have expected. Along the way practice self compassion and don't judge yourself. Recognize that many people have gone through what you're going through and with time they have healed (see my article: Overcoming Your Fear of Allowing Yourself to Feel Your Sadness).

• Prioritize Self Care: Focus on taking care of yourself by eating nutritious meals, getting enough sleep,  exercising at a pace that's right for you and, in general, focusing on your well-being. Practice self reflection to understand what happened in your last relationship and how you might avoid the same problems in the future (see my article: Allowing Yourself to Feel Your Feelings and Learning From Past Relationships).

• Strengthen Your Emotional Support System: Connect with supportive loved ones. Also consider getting help in therapy from a licensed mental health professional if you're struggling. Avoid isolating (see my article: Why Close Friendships Are Important).

• Develop a Healthy Mindset: Before you get involved in a new relationship, learn to be comfortable with yourself (see my article: What is a Growth Mindset?).

• Try Not to Go to Either Extreme: Try to stay balanced. Don't rush into dating again. Conversely, try not to become so fearful about potential new relationships just because your last relationship didn't work out. Although you might discover that you prefer the solitude of your own company, don't allow fear to foreclose the possibility of being with someone new (see my article: Being Open to New Possibilities).

• Be Intentional When You're Ready: If and when you're ready, look for someone who aligns with your overall values. You don't need to align on every belief, but choose someone with whom you're basically compatible (see my article: The Power of Starting the Day With a Positive Intention).

Conclusion

Getting through the heartbreak of a difficult breakup can leave you feeling sad, disappointed, fearful and anxious. These are common reactions.

After you have grieved, if you prefer to be single and unattached, make that decision based on a healthy mindset and not out of anger, fear or bitterness. You don't have to be in a relationship to be happy. Many people choose to remain single. They have healthy relationships with friends and family and they develop interests and hobbies so life is meaningful.

If you want to be in a relationship after you have grieved your prior breakup, take care of yourself first. Allow yourself to grieve to heal and, after you have healed, think about what you want in your next relationship. Then, learn to be open to new possibilities.

Get Help in Therapy

If you're struggling to grieve or you feel stuck in the grieving process, seek help from a licensed mental health professional.

A skilled psychotherapist can help you through the grieving process so you can heal.

Rather than struggling alone, get help in therapy so you can move through your grief and go on to live a meaningful life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Why Medication Alone Can't Solve Most Psychological Problems

Many people who are taking medication ask why medication alone isn't solving their psychological problems (see my article: Medication Alone Isn't As Effective as Psychotherapy).

Medication Alone Can't Solve Most Psychological Problems

Why Can't Medication Solve Most Psychological Problems?

There are times when medication might be necessary and helpful to deal with the symptoms of a psychological problem. However, when medication is needed, a better approach to consider is combining medication with psychotherapy.

Here's why:

• Medication Targets Symptoms, But It Can't Get to the Root Cause of Your Problem: Whereas psychotherapy can get to the root cause of your problem, medication  alone can help to alleviate symptoms while you're on the medication. Medication doesn't address the underlying causes of your problem. For instance, if you choose to take medication for anxiety or depression, your symptoms might improve, but it doesn't address the underlying psychological and emotional factors involved so problem isn't resolved. 

Medication Alone Can't Solve Most Psychological Problems

• Medication Doesn't Teach You Tools, Strategies or Coping Skills: Medication might reduce your symptoms, but it doesn't help you to change negative thoughts or to improve emotional regulation. It doesn't help you to develop the necessary coping skills and internal resources. It also doesn't help you to work through unresolved trauma. Psychotherapy can help you with these issues and more (see my article: Developing Internal Resources and Coping Skills).

• Medication Doesn't Provide Provide Psychological Interventions: Psychological issues require psychological interventions. For instance, unlike psychotherapy, medication alone doesn't address the following issues or a variety other psychological problems:

• Grief

• Poor communication skills

• Dysfunctional relationship patterns

• Unresolved trauma

• Medication Doesn't Help You to Develop Internal Resources: Psychotherapy can help you to develop the necessary internal resources and coping skills related to your problem. In many cases, when you have developed these internal resources, it's possible you won't be as reliant on medication or you might not need it (always consult with your psychiatrist before you reduce or stop your medication). Medication is usually for symptom reduction. While medication can reduce symptoms, psychotherapy can help you to develop the following skills and internal resources and more:

• Develop self reflective capacity

• Develop a personal growth mindset

• Develop personal resilience

Conclusion

Medication can be a tool for managing symptoms and creating stability, but psychotherapy addresses the underlying issues at the root of your problem, helps you to develop coping skills and promotes positive change.

For many psychological issues, the combination of psychotherapy and medication can be effective. 

Always consult with a mental health professional who has the necessary expertise about this.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you have been struggling with unresolved problems, you could benefit from working with a skilled psychotherapist who can help you to develop the tools and strategies to overcome your problem.

Getting Help in Therapy

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who has the expertise to help you to lead a more meaningful life.

Note: Never reduce or stop medication without consulting with your psychiatrist.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I am also work with individual adults and couples (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.