Overcoming Loneliness

Loneliness is not defined by how many people you have in your life. You can have hundreds of people in your life, but if your connections with them aren't deep and authentic and if these connections aren't meaningful to you, you will experience loneliness.

Overcoming Loneliness

Loneliness is a subjective feeling. It's usually defined by the gap between the social connections you wish you had compared to what you actually have.

Loneliness isn't about being physically alone. It's a feeling--not a physical state. It doesn't matter how many people are around you, if your connections are shallow, you will probably feel lonely. 

Clients often describe their sense of loneliness as feeling emotionally disconnected from others and, in some cases, feeling misunderstood.

What Causes Loneliness?

Loneliness can be caused by many internal and external factors including:

    Internal Factors:

• Mental Health Conditions: Depression, anxiety (including social anxiety),a low sense of self worth and other mental health conditions can make it difficult to develop and maintain relationships.

Overcoming Loneliness

• Past Unresolved Trauma: Unresolved trauma where your trust was violated can make it difficult to trust people.

• Personality: For some people, personality is a factor. For instance, people who are very introverted might find it difficult to form and sustain friendships. 

    External Factors:

• Loss: The death of a loved one, divorce, a breakup or other types of loss can create a sense of loneliness (see my article: Coping With the Loss of a Loved One).

• Life Changes: Moving to a new area, retirement, starting a new job or school or becoming a new parent can disrupt social networks (see my article: Being Open to New Experiences).

Overcoming Loneliness

• Social Isolation: Living alone in a remote area, having a disability that impacts mobility and the ability to have social interaction as well as other circumstances, can have a big impact on loneliness.

• Economic Factors: Financial struggles can make it difficult to participate in social activities.

• Cultural and Societal Pressures: An overreliance on technology instead of having more direct human contact, career stress and discrimination often contribute to loneliness.

What is the Difference Between Loneliness and Solitude?

There are fundamental differences between loneliness and solitude (see my article: What's the Difference Between Loneliness and Solitude?).

• Loneliness: As previously mentioned, loneliness involves wanting to have deeper connections with people but not having them. It can also involve an involuntary separation from meaningful relationships.

• Solitude: Solitude is a voluntary state where people are alone but they enjoy their time alone. They continue to have social relationships with others that they can return to when they want to reconnect with them. Their time alone can be balanced with their time with others.

How to Prevent or Overcome Loneliness

Overcoming loneliness requires making a conscious effort to make a change in your life.

Here are some suggestions that might work for you:

• Be aware that everyone experiences loneliness at some point, but it you feeling lonely most of the time, it's an indication that you need to make a change in your life (see my article: Developing the Internal Motivation to Change).

• Understand the impact that loneliness is having on your health, mental health and overall well-being.

Overcoming Loneliness

• Talk to someone in your life you can trust--a family member, friend or someone else you consider trustworthy.

• Get involved in community service or an activity you enjoy where you can connect with others in a meaningful way.

Overcoming Loneliness

• Anticipate the best from people instead of expecting to be rejected.

Overcoming Loneliness

• Focus on developing quality friendships with people who have similar attitudes, interests and values.

• Strengthen existing connections. While it's important to develop new connections, it's also important to strengthen current connections. Maybe there's a friend or family member you haven't spoken to in a while. Reach out to them.

Get Help in Therapy

Therapy can help you to overcome loneliness.  

Get Help in Therapy

Therapy provides a supportive environment to understand the root causes of loneliness including how mental health issues, coping skills, social skills, negative beliefs and prior traumatic experiences among other issues might be getting in your way.

Therapy can also help you to set and follow through on goals to overcome loneliness and deal with internal blocks which might be unconscious (see my article: Overcoming Emotional Blocks).

Rather than struggling on your own, contact a licensed mental health professional to develop a more meaningful life with deeper connections.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Parts Work Therapy (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and a Certified Sex Therapist.

I have helped many individual adults and couples to overcome loneliness.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW -NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

Why Are Close Friendships Important?

Making Changes: The Need For Emotional Connection and a Sense of Belonging

Vulnerability as a Pathway to Emotional Intimacy  

Feeling Lonely in a Relationship

Why Do Heterosexal Men Tend to Have Fewer Friendships Than Women?

Pets Can Improve Your Mental Health

Millions of people around the world consider their pets to be part of their family.  Not only are pets a source of unconditional love, they can also improve your mental health.

How Can Pets Improve Your Mental Health?

Pets can provide the following mental health benefits:

• Providing Comfort and Social Support: The mutual love between pets and their humans is a source of comfort for most people.  Pets and humans form a bond that helps each of them to feel less alone. 

Pets Can Improve Your Mental Health

• Providing Companionship: The comfort of having a pet can reduce loneliness and social isolation. In addition, taking care of a pet can help you to feel needed and loved.

• Helping to Relieve Stress and Anxiety: Many people who struggle with anxiety experience relief with their pet. Many pets are attuned to their human's stress and anxiety and they provide emotional support.

• Helping to Relieve Depression: The companionship of a pet can help to relieve depression.

• Reducing Work Stress: Pets have a way of building bridges in groups. In most work environments employees come together more easily when there is a pet in the office. Pets also help people to be more productive and reduce stress at work.

Pets Can Reduce Work Stress

• Improving Physical Health: People who have dogs get exercise when they walk them. Daily walks can help with cardiovascular health.

• Providing Structure and Routine: Pets need daily structure to thrive and so do humans. When you have a pet, you benefit from the daily structure as well.

Pets Can Improve Your Mental Health

• Helping to Meet New People: People who have pets, especially dogs, often meet new people in dog parks or on daily walks, so pets can be help to increase your social circle.

• Providing Sensory Stress Relief: Stroking a dog or a cat can help reduce your stress and help to reduce blood pressure. 

• Providing Help With Managing Emotions: Unconditional love from a pet can help people to manage their emotions when they come home from a stressful day and they are met by their loving pet at the door. This interaction can help people to transition from a difficult day to a loving home environment.

• Providing Meaning and Joy: Having a pet can provide meaning and joy, especially as you age and lose connection with loved ones who aren't around any more. A pet can increase your pleasure, give you a sense of meaning and purpose, and increase your sense of confidence and optimism.

Pets Are a Major Commitment

Before getting a pet, make sure you understand that it's a major commitment in terms of time and money.

You also have to be around most of the time to take care of a pet. For instance, if you travel a lot and you're not around, this can be lonely for a pet who doesn't understand where you are or if you're coming back.

You also need to make sure you're not allergic to certain pets.

Before you get a pet, make sure you have the right home environment. For instance, big dogs might not get the exercise they need in a small apartment.  In that case, having a cat might be better since they can thrive in cozy spaces.

Conclusion

Under the right circumstances, pets can help improve your overall health and mental health as well as bring you joy and comfort in many ways.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Imagine: Using Positive Imagination to Cope - Part 2

In my prior article, Imagine: Using Positive Imagination to Cope - Part 1, I began a discussion about using positive imagination and how it can be helpful during the COVID-19 crisis.  In today's article, I'm providing a clinical example to illustrate the benefits of positive imagination (see my article: Using Imagery as a Powerful Tool).

Imagine: Using Positive Imagination to Cope

Using Positive Imagination, including Imaginal Interweaves, as a Internal Resource
As I mentioned in my earlier article, Attached Focused EMDR therapy, which is a trauma therapy developed by Laurel Parnell, Ph.D., uses a form of positive imagination called "imaginal interweaves" when clients are blocked in terms of processing the trauma.

Imaginal interweaves function as an internal resource or coping technique (What Are Imaginal Interweaves?)

Although the example I'm giving is about psychological trauma, imaginal interweaves can be used whenever you need a way to calm yourself and help yourself to cope.

The Therapeutic Benefits of Imaginal Interweaves: A Clinical Vignette
The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many different cases, illustrates the use of imaginal interweaves as a form of positive imagination:

Sandy
During 2003, when Sandy was living and working in Toronto, she and other people in her neighborhood, were forced to self quarantine during an outbreak of severe acute respiratory syndrome (SARS). Sandy had no symptoms of SARS, but she was obligated to follow government regulations to quarantine.

Not only was Sandy fearful of SARS, but since she lived alone and she wasn't allowed to see other people in person, she felt very isolated and lonely during that time.  Her only contact with family and friends in New York City was by phone, so her history of depression and generalized anxiety were exacerbated by the quarantine.

After she assessed to be healthy and she was able to return to New York City, Sandy believed that she would feel better.  But, even though she was able to be with family and friends, she couldn't understand why her depression and anxiety-related symptoms continued.  So, after a few months of struggling on her own, Sandy sought help from a psychotherapist in Manhattan.

During their initial consultation, her therapist explained how Sandy's social isolation and loneliness while she was in quarantine, as well as earlier traumatic experiences as a child, exacerbated Sandy's depression and anxiety (see my article: Coping With Loneliness and Social Isolation).

Her psychotherapist recommended that they use  EMDR therapy to deal with the trauma related to the quarantine as well as the earlier unresolved trauma (see my article: EMDR Therapy When Talk Therapy Isn't Enough).

She explained to Sandy that, as part of the preparation work to do EMDR therapy, she would help Sandy to develop internal resources and coping strategies that she would use either in session or between sessions.

During the preparation phase of EMDR therapy, Sandy's therapist talked to her about imaginal interweaves and how they could be helpful if Sandy got blocked in the EMDR processing and they needed to find a way to undo the block (i.e., being "blocked" means the client's emotion or thought creates an obstacle to continuing to do the work).

She explained to Sandy how powerful the imagination can be and that using imaginal interweaves engages the mind and the body so that Sandy experiences what she is imagining as if it were actually occurring.  She explained that, of course, Sandy would know that she was still using her imagination, but she would get the beneficial effects of the interweaves (see my article: Mind-Body Oriented Psychotherapy: Healing With New Symbolic Memories).

As part of the imaginal interweaves, Sandy's therapist asked her to choose three people who are either real or imaginary ("real" means someone that Sandy knew from any time in her life and "imaginary" means someone from a TV program, book, movie, and so on) for the qualities of:

• Nurturing
• Powerful
• Wise

The therapist acknowledged that these categories are intentionally vague and explained that Sandy should interpret nurturing, powerful and wise as whatever it meant to her.  So, for nurturing, Sandy chose her current best friend. For wise, she chose her godmother, who always gave Sandy good advice.  And, for powerful, Sandy couldn't think of anyone in her real life, so she chose a superhero, Wonder Woman.

After they completed the preparation phase of EMDR therapy, which also included learning a Relaxing Place meditation, they began processing Sandy's experience of being quarantined and how it was affecting her now.

As part of the work, they also did a process which is called a "Float Back" in EMDR and which is the same as an "Affect Bridge" in clinical hypnosis where the client goes back to the earliest time when she had the same emotions as in the current memory.

The Float Back is an important part of EMDR therapy because it gets to the earliest memory when the client had the same emotional experience (even if what happened in that memory was different).  The important part is that the client has a similar emotional experience.

So, for instance, if, as an adult, the client has an experience of feeling helpless and overwhelmed, the Float Back goes to the earliest experience of feeling the same way--even if the people and circumstances in the earlier memory were different.

Getting to these earlier memories enables the client and the therapist to see what earlier memories are being triggered by the present experience so that they don't continue to be triggered in other similar circumstances in the future.

At one point in the processing of the trauma using EMDR, Sandy became blocked and couldn't go any further in the trauma work.

Even though, logically, she knew she deserved to feel better, on an emotional level, a big part of her felt that she didn't deserve to feel better.

Sandy was surprised that she could experience such a contradiction between what she experienced logically and what she felt emotionally.

She also said that if someone else had told her this, she would be much more compassionate with that person than she was with herself.

This negative emotional response was so powerful that regular EMDR processing was blocked, so her therapist asked Sandy to imagine what her nurturing person, her best friend, would have said and done if she knew that Sandy felt this way.

In response, Sandy imagined her best friend being with her, and her therapist heightened that experience by having Sandy slow down so she could have a felt sense of her best friend's nurturing quality.

Sandy was able to take in what she imagined her best friend would say and do--that she cared about Sandy and she deserved to feel better.  She was able to feel her friend's compassion on a visceral level and, as a result, she felt much more self compassion).

The felt sense of her friend being compassionate and developing her own self compassion undid the block, and Sandy and her therapist were able to continue with EMDR processing.

Gradually, over time, Sandy and her therapist processed the present, past and anticipatory anxiety about the future.

Conclusion
The fictional vignette provided above focuses on how trauma therapy, specifically EMDR therapy, using imaginal interweaves, which is a form of positive imagination.

Using your imagination is a powerful tool--whether it's used during trauma therapy, like EMDR therapy, or you use it as your own individual coping strategy.

So, even if you're not in therapy, you can use imaginal interweaves on your own to cope with current problems.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you're feeling overwhelmed, you're not alone.

Rather than suffering on your own, you can seek help from a licensed psychotherapist.

Many therapists, including me, are providing online therapy, which is also called teletherapy, telemental health and telehealth (see my article: The Advantages of Online Therapy When You Can't Meet With Your Therapist in Person).

By being proactive now, you can work through your problems and go on to live a more fulfilling life.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

I am currently providing online therapy during the COVID-19 crisis.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Reframing Social Connection with Intentionality to Create Meaningful Connections Online

We are social beings, and the need and impulse to connect with others is real, especially during a crisis (see my articles: Coping Wih Loneliness and Social Isolation and Undoing Aloneness: Staying Socially Connected Even Though We Are Physically Distant).

We have a need to feel held, embraced and safe in the company of people we trust.  This need to be with others helps us to co-regulate each other's well-being.  This need to be in close physical proximity to others is also in direct conflict to the more pressing need right now to physically distance ourselves from each other to avoid getting getting the COVID-19 virus.

Reframing Social Isolation with Intentionality as You Connect With Loved Ones Online

How to Overcome the Negative Impact of Social Isolation During the COVID-19 Crisis

There's no question that physical distancing from others is necessary during this pandemic.  If you're not essential workers, you must stay home and only go out only when necessary using the precautions recommended by the Center For Disease Control and Prevention (CDC).

Remaining at home and physically distant isn't just difficult because you're feeling bored, more importantly, it goes against human beings' basic instincts to connect with others. 

As people become more physically isolated, the mind and the body go into defensive mode. After a period of being physically/socially isolated, people often become more anxious, fearful and worried (see my article:  Common Reactions to the COVID-19 Crisis: Fear and Anxiety).

Given that physical distancing creates a paradox between the needs of your nervous system and your need to survive this pandemic, how do you take care of your need for social connection?

Reframing Social Connection Online with Intentionality

Although you can't be physically connected with friends and other loved ones, you can remain connected online with intentionality.

What Does It Mean to Communicate with Intentionality?
When you're with someone in person, both of you are picking up or attuning to conscious and unconscious signals that you're both sending with regard to what's going on between you.

Aside from the words and the body language, you're picking up on other implicit cues you sense in person about what's being communicated. Sometimes the words and what's being communicated on an unconscious level don't match.

For instance, someone might tell you that they're not angry with you.  But their body language, facial expressions, tension in their body, and the emotional resonance that you sense might be communicating something very different.  Whether you realize it or not, the words are less important than the other cues you're picking up from the other person.

Another example would be that when someone says, "I love you," aside from the words, you pick up on other cues to understand the meaning behind the words. Does the person's facial expression, body language, and other subtle forms of nonverbal communication, including the resonance you feel between you and them, match their words?  If not, you're not going to believe the words.

How to Communicate Online With Intentionality
Sometimes you might not perceive the nonverbal cues online. So, you need to be more intentional and explicit online than when you're with someone in person.  The good news is that there are ways to do this:

• Human beings are an adaptable species, so we often find alternatives to the ways we normally do things.

• Appreciate and normalize for yourself your impulse to connect meaningfully with others--even as you're inhibiting yourself from doing it in person to remain healthy.

• Monitor your body's need for these social connections. Be conscious of your emotional needs. Reach out to others when you feel the need and be kind to your loved ones who are reaching out to you (see my article: The Powerful Impact of Kindness During Stressful Times).

• Reaching out to loved ones online is powerful.  If online communication isn't available, the phone is the next best thing. Emailing and texting are better than nothing, but not as powerful as seeing and hearing one another.  The problem with texting and emailing is that these modes of communication don't provide facial expressions and voice intonation, which are critical for feeling socially connected.

• The value of seeing someone's face and hearing their voice is powerful to the nervous system and fulfills a basic need for connection.

• It's not about the words.  It's not about chatting or just getting caught up, although this has its place too.  You're not just exchanging content or news.

• Communicating with intentionality is more about conveying with your facial expressions, your voice and your behavior that you care.

• By communicating how much you care with intentionality, you and your loved ones are coregulating each other's nervous systems and well-being so that you feel emotionally and physically better.

• You can each feel a sense of well-being in your body and mind as you help each other to coregulate your well-being. You're feeling connectedness.  This can't be emphasized enough.  Coregulating by seeing each other, hearing each other's voices and communicating with intentionality is a way of grounding each other. You're being attuned with each other.  You're entering into each other's consciousness to say, "You're not alone. I'm here with you and I care about you."

Conclusion

Requiring people to physically isolate from one another is counter to what we are hardwired to do as social beings who need social connections for physical and emotional well-being.

As social beings, we coregulate our physical and emotional well-being through meaningful connections with others.  Yet, the current pandemic requires that we remain at home physically isolated from others.

Although we cannot connect in person, we can do the next best thing, which allows us to reframe social isolation: Communicate with intentionality by using the power of our facial expressions, our words, behavior and voice intonality to communicate that we care.  

Getting Help in Therapy

Many mental health experts are concerned about the long term effects of isolation and loneliness.  

If you're feeling overwhelmed, help is available to you through online therapy, which is also known as teletherapy, telemental health or telehealth (see my article: The Advantages of Online Therapy When You Can't Meet With Your Therapist in Person).

Therapists via Online Therapy, Also Known as Teletherapy, Telemental Health and Telehealth

Working with a licensed psychotherapist who can help you through this difficult time can help you maintain a sense of well-being.  

If you're feeling powerless during this time, you can overcome your sense of powerlessness by taking action: Contact a mental health professional who can help you overcome your fear and anxiety.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing and Emotionally Focused therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

I am working with clients online so we can remain connected.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist,

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How Therapy Can Help You to Overcome Loneliness

I've written prior articles about being alone, isolated and lonely, including:  Overcoming Loneliness and Social Isolation, When There's Loneliness and Lack of Intimacy in Your Relationship, On Being Alone and Emotional Strategies That No Longer Work For You: "I don't need anyone." 
In this article, I'm focusing on loneliness and some ways that you might be getting in your own way with regard to connecting with others.

Overcoming Loneliness in Therapy

Everyone Feels Lonely At Some Point
Loneliness is an issue for everyone at some point in their lives.

Whether you're in a relationship or not or whether you have lots of close friends or not, it's a fact of life that sooner or later you'll feel lonely.

Just because you have people around you doesn't mean that you feel connected to them or that these relationships are meeting your emotional needs.

Although everyone experiences loneliness at some point, there's a difference between feeling lonely occasionally and feeling lonely most of the time.

Taking a Look at Whether You're Open to Connecting With Others
People who feel pervasive loneliness often feel that they're flawed in some way and that other people wouldn't want to connect with them, so this prevents them from connecting with others (see my article: Overcoming the Emotional Pain of Feeling Unlovable).

Feeling unlovable isn't a feeling that people are usually aware of on their own.  It's often an underlying feeling that they don't become aware of until they start therapy to overcome their loneliness.

The way that these feelings of being unlovable usually come to the surface is through an exploration in therapy.

When all the practical reasons for not connecting with others have been set aside, it's not unusual for people to discover that they're deeply ambivalent about connecting with others because they believe they're flawed in some way and that others will reject them (see my article: Overcoming Fear of Rejection).

At that point, in most cases, it's a matter of working through these underlying issues of feeling unlovable so that they can connect with others.

A Fictionalized Vignette About Overcoming Loneliness in Therapy

Sandy
For most of her life, Sandy felt alone and lonely.

At the point when she came to therapy, she was in her late 30s and feeling close to despair.  She didn't really believe that therapy could help her, but she didn't know what else to do, so she started therapy with a lot of ambivalence (see my article: Starting Psychotherapy: It's Not Unusual to Feel Anxious or Ambivalent).

Overcoming Loneliness in Therapy

Sandy told her therapist that she grew up as an only child with parents who were distant and cold with her and with each other.  With no other relatives close by, Sandy spent much of her time at home alone.

She grew up feeling that her parents thought she was "defective" in some way, and she was aware that they didn't really want any children.  She assumed that she was "an accident" (see my articles: What is Childhood Emotional Neglect? and What is the Connection Between Childhood Emotional Neglect and Problems Later On in Adult Relationships?).

When she started school, Sandy kept to herself.  She didn't think the other children would like her, so she didn't make an effort to make friends.

There was one girl in her first grade class, Betty, who was very outgoing and who befriended Sandy.  She would often invite Sandy over to her home after school where Sandy was surprised to see that Betty's parents were loving and affectionate with Betty.  This was in sharp contrast to Sandy's  experience with her own parents, and it made her aware that she lived in an unhappy household.

Even though Betty went out of her way to seek out Sandy, Sandy was sure that it would only be a matter of time before Betty would drop her as a friend--as soon as Betty discovered the "real Sandy" (see my article: Overcoming the Fear That People Won't Like You If They Knew the "Real You").

Since Betty was outgoing and popular with other children, she included Sandy into her group.  But Sandy felt like she was only tagging along and still felt like an outsider (see my article: Feeling Like an Outsider).

Unfortunately, a year later, Betty and her family moved out of state, and Sandy withdrew from the other children in Betty's group after Betty was gone.  Then, she went back to keeping to herself.

By the time she went to high school, Sandy made a few friends.  Although she would socialize with her friends, she always feared that her friends would abandon her.

In college, Sandy dated a few men.  She usually chose men who were narcissistic and who didn't treat her well because she didn't have a sense that she deserved to be treated well.

Sandy drifted from one short-term relationship to the next with long periods in between when she spent a lot of time on her own and feeling lonely.

By the time she was in her late 30s, she felt hopeless that she would ever be in a healthy relationship and she feared that she would always be alone.  This is what brought her into therapy.

After she revealed her history to her therapist and gave her therapist many "reasons" why she thought she would be lonely for the rest of her life, her therapist helped Sandy to see how she was creating obstacles for herself.

The biggest obstacle for Sandy was that she felt unlovable and undeserving.  This feeling was so strong that no amount of talking about it could dissuade her.

Her therapist talked to Sandy about working through her early experience of emotional neglect and feelings of being unlovable using EMDR therapy (see my article: What is EMDR Therapy?)

At first, Sandy was reluctant to work on these issues because she was convinced that her situation was hopeless.  But her therapist also knew that Sandy's self perception was longstanding since childhood and that she was, understandably, afraid to let go of these perceptions.

When she was ready, Sandy agreed to try EMDR therapy.  Her attitude was "I have nothing to lose, so I'll try it."

Gradually, over time, Sandy came to see that her feelings of being unlovable were rooted in her experience with her parents, who were incapable of being loving.

For the first time in her life, she was able to step back emotionally to see that her parents were the ones who had problems, and their problems were part of intergenerational trauma:  Their parents were unable to be loving and their grandparents had the same problem--all related to a long history of unresolved trauma in both families (see my article: Psychotherapy and Intergenerational Trauma).

Recognizing that she wasn't inherently flawed for the first time, Sandy felt a new sense of freedom.  She thought back in her life to all the people who cared about her and she realized that they found her to be a lovable person--so she wasn't unlovable.

Overcoming Loneliness in Therapy

Although this new self perception freed Sandy to see herself in a new way and to venture beyond her usual social comfort zone, she also felt some regret that she had wasted so much time burdened by her negative feelings about herself.  So, she mourned this loss.  But she also made more of an effort to connect with others.

As she felt better about herself, she experienced an upward spiral:  Her new sense of self esteem allowed her to be more social, and as she extended herself, people were open to connecting with her.  And the more people were open to connecting with other, the more confident she felt.

Conclusion
For many people, overcoming loneliness is a matter of overcoming longstanding negative views about themselves.

Feelings of being unlovable are usually unconscious, so these underlying feelings remain hidden until a skilled therapist can assist to gently help to unearth them.

Trauma therapy, like EMDR therapy, is an effective way to overcome trauma and the related negative beliefs about yourself.

Getting Help in Therapy
It can be very challenging to come to terms with the fact that you might be getting in your own way when it comes to overcoming loneliness.

This isn't to say that feeling unlovable or undeserving are the only reasons why people feel lonely, but when loneliness is pervasive in your life, these are often unconscious underlying reasons.

Rather than suffering on your own and feeling hopeless and helpless, you could benefit from working with a skilled psychotherapist who can help you to work through these issues so you can be free from your history.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Steps You Can Take to Overcome Loneliness

In prior articles, I addressed loneliness and social isolation from various perspectives (see my articles: On Being Alone and Solitude vs. Loneliness).  In this article, I'm focusing on steps that you can take to overcome loneliness.

Steps You Can Take to Overcome Loneliness

Steps You Can Take to Overcome Loneliness

• Stay in the Present: It's so easy to ruminate about the past and things you think you did wrong, but as long as you continue to hold onto the past, you're not allowing yourself to be in the present.  Make an effort to let go of mistakes that you made and resentments you have against others.

• Keep a Gratitude Journal (see my article: Keeping a Gratitude Journal).

• Find Meaning and Purpose in Life: Rather than focusing on how lonely you are, think about what you can do make someone else's life better.  Maybe you can volunteer for a community group or in the local school.  When you feel you have a purpose in life, it helps you to feel more fulfilled and less lonely and isolated (see my article: A Search For a Meaningful Life).

Steps You Can Take to Overcome Loneliness: Get Active

• Get Active:  Running, walking, doing yoga or other healthy activities can help you to have more of a sense of well-being (always check with your doctor before you start any new physical activity).

• Discover a New Social Group:  Whether it's the local book club or some other social group, being part of a group where there's a shared interest can help to enliven you and increase your social network.

• Learn to Play Again: Humor and comedy can be so healing.  Whether you watch a funny movie, read a humorous book or find other ways to increase humor and playfulness in your life, learning to play again is an important step towards helping to decrease your sense of loneliness.

Getting Help in Therapy
There are times when you've tried everything on your own to overcome loneliness, but longstanding unresolved psychological problems get in your way.

If this is the case, you could benefit from seeing a licensed psychotherapist who can help you to discover the possible underlying issues that keep you lonely and isolated.

Rather than continuing to be frustrated by obstacles in your way, working with a skilled psychotherapist can help you to overcome the impediments that are keeping you lonely and isolated so you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Healing Trauma: The Effect of Emotionally Reparative Relationships

As a psychotherapist who is a trauma specialist in New York City, I have written many articles about healing trauma, including: 

Growing Up Feeling Invisible and Invalidated

Healing Old Emotional Childhood Wounds That Are Affecting Your Current Relationships, 

Overcoming Emotional Trauma and Developing Resilience.  

In this article, I'm focusing on the healing effect of emotionally reparative relationships for people who have experienced childhood trauma.

Healing Trauma: The Effect of Emotionally Reparative Relationships

As you may know, early emotional trauma can have devastating effects psychologically, physically and interpersonally.

Although you can't change what happened to you in the past, emotionally reparative relationships can help you to heal (see my article: You Can't Change the Past, But You Can Change How the Past Affects You Now).

What is an Emotionally Reparative Relationship?
An emotionally reparative relationship is a relationship that is emotionally supportive and nurturing.

Unlike the neglectful or abusive relationships that traumatized individuals had with parents and others in their childhood, these supportive people are there for them now.

These reparative relationships can be with a spouse or significant other, loving friendships, a close mentoring relationship, a loving pet and so on.

You can also have an emotionally reparative relationship with a skilled psychotherapist (see my article: The Therapist's Empathic Attunement Can Be Emotionally Reparative to the Client).

Healing Trauma: The Effect of Emotionally Reparative Relationships

Choosing Healthy Relationships is a Challenge For Childhood Trauma Survivors
The challenge for people who experienced childhood trauma is that they often choose people who will hurt or betray them (see my articles: Relationships: Are You Attracted to People Who Hurt You?).

Choosing hurtful or abusive relationships are usually unconscious choices.

Due to a childhood history of being mistreated, it's often difficult to know how to discern people who will be loving from people who will be abusive (see my article: Emotionally Unhealthy Relationships: Bad Luck or Poor Choices?).

The other major problem is that if ,when they were children, people couldn't trust their parents, it's understandable that they would wonder if they can trust others as adults (see my article: Adults Who Were Neglected as Children Often Have Problems Trusting Others).

Mistrust can lead to social isolation and shying away from relationships--both romantic relationships and friendships (see my article: Overcoming Social Isolation and Loneliness).

The Effect of Emotional Trauma Can Be Fear, Mistrust, Isolation and Loneliness

Social isolation leads to loneliness.  So, every so often, to overcome their loneliness, they might open up to meeting someone new, hoping that this new person will treat them well.

But if they have little or no experience in how to choose healthy people to be in their lives, they haven't developed the necessary skills to make healthy choices.

In addition, the unconscious mind can be a powerful factor in being drawn to what's familiar.

So, if what's familiar to them is mistreatment, without realizing it, they often choose people who will be hurtful (see my article: Choosing "Mr. Wrong" Over and Over Again).

Choosing someone who is hurtful confirms their "reality" that people can't be trusted and opening up to new people will only lead to emotional pain.

It's easy to see how this could lead to an ongoing cycle from fear and mistrust to social isolation to loneliness to opening up (to overcome feelings of loneliness) and then to making poor choices again.  Then, the cycle starts again going back to fear, social isolation, loneliness and so on.

Eventually, many people, who are caught up in this cycle over and over, give up on relationships altogether.

They decide that it's too painful to open up to others and they remain alone.  Their thinking is usually:  It's better to be alone than to risk getting hurt again (see my article: An Emotional Dilemma: Wanting and Dreading Love).

This is very unfortunate because they don't see how their own unconscious mind leads them to keep choosing what's familiar and that if they worked through their early trauma in therapy, they could free themselves from their early history and make better choices (see my article: Learning From Past Romantic Relationships).

Doing Trauma Therapy to Overcome Early Trauma
While the thought of being in therapy to work through early trauma might seem daunting, it's far less daunting than the prospect of continuing to choose people who are hurtful or abusive or giving up on relationships altogether.

There are many different ways of working on early trauma.

In my professional opinion, the most effective modalities are mind-body oriented therapy, such as EMDR Therapy, Somatic Experiencing and clinical hypnosis.

Doing Trauma Work in Therapy to Overcome Early Trauma

A skilled trauma therapist will make sure that clients are emotionally ready to do trauma work.

This will include doing the necessary preparation in terms of developing internal and external resources so the work isn't retraumatizing to clients (see my article: Developing Coping Strategies in Therapy Before Working on Trauma).

As I mentioned earlier, you can't change what you didn't get in your childhood, so it's important to grieve for the abuse, emotional deprivation and major losses.

There's no fixed time when the grief is over, especially when the trauma involves multiple losses or mistreatment on many levels.

But, in most cases, with help in trauma therapy, the grief eventually subsides, which can feel like a big weight has been lifted from you.

Part of working on trauma in therapy is also helping you to develop the insight and skills you didn't develop earlier in terms of choosing healthier people in your life, so you don't continue to make the same mistakes, which lead to getting hurt again (see my article: Letting Go of Unhealthy Relationships and  Choosing Healthier Relationships).

Developing Healthy Relationships
Choosing healthier relationships can include:

• Developing friendships with people who are trustworthy, emotionally supportive and nurturing.  Healthy people can be there for you in ways that your family might not have been when you were growing up (see my article: Emotional Support From Your Family of Choice).
• Choosing a romantic partner who is loving, kind and supportive, who will be there for you in good times and in bad.
• Choosing wise people in the form of mentors, teachers or spiritual leaders who will provide inspiration, motivation and guidance.
• Choosing a caring psychotherapist who will be attuned to your emotional needs and who will help you to overcome early trauma and to make healthy choices in your life.
• Loving and caring for a pet, who provides unconditional love (see my article: Our Pets Help Us to Be Healthier and Happier).

Healing Trauma: The Effect of Emotionally Reparative Relationships

These relationships can be emotionally healing.  They can fill in the emotional "holes" that were left due to early abuse or neglect.  They can provide the nurturance and love you didn't get in your childhood.

Healing Trauma: The Effect of Emotionally Reparative Relationships

It's also important that these relationships are reciprocal.

In healthy relationships, the emotional support, love and nurturance go both ways.  It's not a one way street.

So, part of the work in therapy is also to learn how to be in reciprocal relationships.

This is important because many people who have had abuse or neglect in early childhood often become other people's rescuers (see my article: How to Stop Being the "Rescuer" in Your Family).

They're always the ones that others go to for help, whether it's emotional, financial or some other kind of help.  But they don't allow others to be supportive of them or they choose people who aren't capable of being supportive.

Other people who were traumatized as children hope to be the ones who are rescued (see my article: Overcoming Fantasies of Being Rescued).  They feel a need to be overly dependent upon others.

So, healthy, mature relationships include both give and take over time and aren't about rescuing or being rescued.  They are mutually supportive relationships.

Conclusion
Emotionally reparative relationships can help to heal the effects of early childhood trauma.

It's usually necessary to first do trauma work in therapy to get to the point where you feel open enough and ready to make healthy choices in relationships, so you don't keep making unhealthy choices.

Part of the work is grieving for your losses and healing from your childhood experiences, but also recognizing that it's possible to get love and emotional support in new relationships.

Healthy relationships, whether it's a friendship or a romantic relationship, include reciprocity so that it's a mutually supportive relationship.

Getting Help in Therapy
As I've mentioned in previous articles, untreated emotional trauma can have serious consequences in terms of emotional and physical health.

Healing Trauma: Getting Help in Therapy

Untreated emotional trauma can also have a damaging effect on your marriage, your relationships with your children and other important relationships.

Rather than getting caught in a cycle of fear, mistrust, isolation and despair, you can get help with a skilled trauma therapist so that you can free yourself from your trauma history to live a happier life.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients to overcome their trauma history to lead more fulfilling lives.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Recognizing the Signs When You're Under Too Much Stress

I've written about stress management in other articles, including: 

How Your Stress Can Affect Your Spouse and Children

Finding Inner Peace During Stressful Times

 Soothing Techniques to Use When You're Under a Lot of Stress.  

In this article, I'm focusing on learning to recognize when you're stress level is too high.

Recognizing the Signs When You're Under Too Much Stress

Why Wouldn't Someone Know When They're Under Too Much Stress?
It might seem unusual to pose the question of how you know when you're under too much stress.  After all, many people recognize the symptoms and complain about being too frazzled.

But people who have endured acute stress from childhood often don't recognize when their stress level is too high because they're so accustomed to acute stress and don't recognize it as being an unhealthy state.  It feels "normal" to them.  But enduring acute stress on a long term basis can have negative medical and psychological consequences.  I'll address these issues of in my next article.

One of the best ways to recognize that you're under too much stress is to observe the physical and psychological symptoms that are telltale signs of being under an unhealthy level of stress.

Many of these signs and symptoms can also involve other medical or psychological issues so, when in doubt, check with your medical doctor.

Warning Signs That You're Under Too Much Stress

Physical Symptoms:

• Insomnia
• Loss of appetite
• Eating too much
• Muscle tension, aches and pains, including shoulder and back pain
• Muscle spasms
• Upset stomach, including diarrhea, constipation, nausea 
• Irritable Bowel Syndrome
• Rapid heartbeat and/or chest pain
• Clenched jaw and grinding teeth, especially at night
• Nightmares
• Heartaches
• Feeling tired most of the time
• Low Energy most of the time
• Difficulty relaxing, even when tired
• High blood pressure
• Difficulty breathing
• Dry mouth and difficulty swallowing
• Low libido, problems with sexual performance
• Nervousness, shakiness, cold or sweaty hands and feet
• Nail biting
• Fidgeting
• Pacing back and forth

How Do You Know When You're Under Too Much Stress?

Psychological Symptoms:

• Feeling agitated, frustrated or moody
• Losing your temper easily
• Snapping at others
• Feeling easily overwhelmed
• Finding it difficulty to relax and quiet the mind
• Racing thoughts
• Isolating and avoiding others
• Feeling less pleasure in socializing or engaging in things that were once pleasurable
• Feeling hopeless
• Feeling helpless
• Feeling worthless/low self esteem
• Feeling depressed 
• Feeling pessimistic or only seeing the negative side of things
• Feeling anxious 
• Worrying persistently
• Feeling fearful and emotionally vulnerable
• Abusing alcohol or drugs
• Being forgetful 
• Having problems focusing

Social Isolation: One of the Signs That You Might Be Under Too Much Stress

These are just some of the many telltale signs of being under too much stress and, as I mentioned earlier, some of these symptoms can be related to other medical and/or psychological problems.

Lifestyle Changes For Stress Management
There are lifestyle changes that you can make to help you manage your stress.

See my articles:

• Stress Management: Taking Time For Self Care

• Managing Your Stress: Coping With Workplace Burnout

• Self Reflection and Basic Mindfulness

• Learning to Relax: Square Breathing 

• Mind-Body Connection: Can Yoga Improve Your Mood?

• Journal Writing to Relieve Stress and Anxiety

Next Article in the Psychotherapy Blog
In the next article, I'll be focusing specifically on people who grew up as children in families where there was chronic stress and the challenges that they have in recognizing when they're under too much stress as adults.

Conclusion
A certain amount of healthy stress is necessary to live life.

But chronic stress has a way of creeping up on you without you even being aware of it. Over time, chronic stress can have a physical and psychological debilitating effect.

If you're experiencing some of the symptoms mentioned above, you would be wise to consult with your medical doctor to rule out any medical problems since there are many medical issues that have the same symptoms.

Getting Help in Therapy
If your doctor has ruled out medical issues and you've made healthy lifestyle changes, but you're still overwhelmed by stress, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional.

Getting Help in Therapy

A skilled, licensed psychotherapist can help you to get to the root of your problems so you can learn to manage your stress (see my articles: The Benefits of Therapy and How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

Getting help in therapy can make all the difference in the quality of your life.

About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients to get to the root of their problems so they could manage their stress and live more fulfilling lives.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.