How to Set Boundaries With Friends If They're Texting You Too Much

There are some people who enjoy texting back and forth with their friends all day long and it's mutually satisfying for all the texters involved.

Setting Boundaries With Friends About Texting

But if you're not one of those people who enjoys constant texting and you have a friend who likes to send you lots of texts, rather than letting resentment and emotional distance grow, you can tactfully set a limit with your friend (see my article: Do You Feel Entitled to Set Boundaries With the People in Your Life?).

In a world where people can reach others in a flash by texting, a lot of people find it gratifying to express their thoughts and feelings in texts and enjoy the dopamine hit when their friends text back.

People who have problems understanding boundaries can text all day long without considering whether the person they're texting has the time and emotional bandwidth to deal with a barrage of texts (see my article: Do You Feel Overwhelmed By Your Friend's Problems?).

If you haven't set a limit, you can give your friend the benefit of the doubt that they might not know you don't like a lot of texts and that you don't have the time or emotional bandwidth for it. Therefore, it's up to you to communicate this to them so you take care of your time and mental health.

Why Do Excessive Texts Create Stress and Anxiety?

Here are some of the most common reasons:

• Pressure to Respond (Expectation of Availability): You might feel pressure to respond immediately. This often leads to stress and anxiety when you can't or you don't want to respond immediately.

• Digital Burnout and Overstimulation: Constant notifications can break concentration. The ongoing distraction can lead to mental fatigue.

• Lack of Personal Space: Excessive non-urgent texts throughout the day can feel like an intrusion on your privacy and downtime.

• Anxiety Trigger: A high volume of text messages can induce anxiety and a feeling of being overwhelmed.

• Disruption to Workflow and Personal Tasks: Constant interruptions can make it difficult to focus on work or personal tasks.

How to Set Boundaries With a Friend Who Texts Too Much

Here are some suggestions that might be helpful:

• Shift the Focus from Their Behavior to Your Own Needs and Boundaries: First, recognize that you have the right to your feelings as well as the right to set boundaries. If you can't set boundaries with others, you're going to feel frustrated and you'll probably have ongoing interpersonal problems due to the lack of boundaries. Assuming you want to maintain this friendship, you can say, "Having to check texts many times per day makes me feel anxious. I'm trying to check these notifications less."

• Express Appreciation For Their Friendship: Assuming you want to maintain this friendship, express your appreciation for your friend and the things you like about them so that you're not just focusing on something that bothers you about their behavior. 

Setting Boundaries With Friends About Texting

• Shift Time Spent With Your Friend From Texts to In-Person Visits: Suggest to your friend that you would like to know what's going on in their life, but you would prefer to do it in person. Then, suggest a time when you're free to meet in person. 

• Let Them Know When You're Available: Let your friend know when you're reachable and manage their expectations about when you're free to respond to texts. You can say something like, "I don't have time to check texts throughout the day, so I only check them after work" or "I've been so busy lately that I haven't had time to check personal texts." Then, as previously mentioned, you can suggest meeting when you're both free.

Setting Boundaries With Friends About Texting

• Let them Know You're "Unplugging" to Manage Your Stress: Let your friend know that, as part of a new lifestyle change, you're taking time to "unplug" from your phone and computer. You can tell them that, as part of your digital detox, you're cutting back on the time you spend reading email and texts. You can also tell them that if they don't hear from you for a few days, this is the reason.  

• Evaluate the Friendship: If your friend doesn't understand that you don't have the time and emotional bandwidth for a lot of texts in a day, you can evaluate whether the aspects you like about this friend outweigh this problem. If you have communicated your boundaries and they don't respect them, there might be other areas where you'll find they will cross your boundaries. At some point, you'll need to decide whether you want this friend in your life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego State Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have over 25 years of experiencing helping individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Do You Feel Entitled to Set Boundaries With the People in Your Life?

Setting boundaries with the people in your life is an act of self care (see my article: How to Set Boundaries Without Guilt).

Setting Boundaries

But if you're someone who doesn't feel entitled to set boundaries, you might feel that boundary setting is an act of aggression (see my article: What's the Difference Between Assertive and Aggressive Behavior?)

Self Abandonment and People Pleasing Tendencies

Not setting boundaries is often a survival strategy children learn in families where they weren't allowed to say "no". 

If you grew up in such a family, maybe you were even punished for expressing your feelings, especially if they were contrary to your parents' feelings. 

If you weren't allowed to say "no" as a child, you might have believed that you could only earn love if you were compliant with your parents' wishes. As a result, you learned self abandonment (see my article: What is Self Abandonment?).

Maybe you were also raised to believe you should feel guilty if you didn't comply with your parents' wishes. As a result, you might have developed people pleasing tendencies as a way to to avoid displeasing others. So, you might have learned to feel you're responsible for other people's comfort and happiness--even if it meant you neglected your own.

People who have an anxious attachment style are especially prone to fear that setting boundaries is an existential threat in terms of losing a relationship or a friendship.

Many women are socialized to believe they need to be nurturers who are "flexible" to the point where setting a boundary might be contrary to their role.

Confusion About What It Means to Set Boundaries

You might not feel entitled to set boundaries with others because you think setting boundaries means you're trying to control others. However, setting healthy boundaries is a fundamental part of self care.

Another possible problem is that you don't know what you feel so you only have a vague sense of what you're feeling at any given time so you don't know if you need to set a boundary or not.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you don't feel entitled to set boundaries with others, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who can help you to work through the underlying issues that are creating problems for you.

Getting Help in Therapy

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a skilled psychotherapist who helps clients to feel empowered enough to set boundaries (see my article: Taking Back Your Personal Power).

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing, Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy) and Certified Sex Therapist.

As a trauma therapist, I have over 25 years of experiencing helping individual adults and couples (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

How to Set Boundaries in an Enmeshed Family

How to Set Boundaries Without Guilt  

How to Set Boundaries in Your Relationship

Relationships: What's the Difference Between Trying to "Fix" Your Partner and Being Emotionally Supportive?

When your partner is distressed, anxious or depressed, it's natural for you to want to be emotionally supportive. But some people confuse being emotionally supportive with trying to "fix" their partner's problems, so it's important to understand the difference.

"Fixing" vs Being Emotionally Supportive

What's the Difference Between Trying to "Fix" Your Partner's Problems and Being Emotionally Supportive?

The main difference between trying to "fix" a problem and being emotionally supportive has to do with the intent and focus of what you do.

Trying to "Fix" the Problem:

Trying to "fix" your partner's problems involves:

• Your Approach: You treat your partner's problems like a puzzle to be solved.

• Your Goal: To eliminate the source of your partner's pain as quickly as possible. This might mean that you have a problem tolerating your partner's emotional distress, so you want it their distress to disappear as soon as possible. If this is the case, your own psychological work to do about this.

• Your Behavior: Giving your partner unsolicited advise, suggesting specific actions or taking on the problem yourself leads to your overfunctioning for your partner instead of allowing them to handle it with your emotional support (see my article: Are You Overfunctioning in Your Relationship?).

• Potential Problems: Your actions can signal to your partner that you think they are incapable of handling their problem. This can lead to your partner feeling belittled, frustrated, angry and resentful--even though you have good intentions. It can also set up a parent-child dynamic which usually has a detrimental impact on a relationship.

Being Emotionally Supportive:

• Your Approach: You prioritize "feeling with" your partner as opposed to "doing it for them".

• Your Goal: You create a safe space where your partner can feel seen, heard and understood (see my article: Creating a Safe Haven For Each Other).

• Your Behavior: Your behavior includes active listening, validating their feelings and offering comfort, like a hug if that's what your partner wants (see my article: Ask Your Partner If They Need to Be Helped, Heard or Hugged).

• Potential Benefits: Being emotionally supportive helps to create emotional intimacy between you and your partner. It can also build your partner's confidence that they have the capacity to solve their problems.

Clinical Vignettes

An Example of Trying to "Fix" the Problem

Emma and Bill:

Emma's husband, Bill, had a serious drinking problem. Although he promised he would stop drinking many times, he would stop for a day or two, but when he felt anxious, he would drink excessively again. Emma was very concerned about Bill's drinking and she wanted to help him, so she would throw out bottles of alcohol and make excuses to his boss when he was too hungover to go to work. 

Trying to "Fix" the Problem

After Bill was arrested twice for driving while intoxicated (DWI), he was court mandated to attend alcohol treatment. As part of the program, spouses attended groups to become educated about alcohol abuse and to learn how to be supportive without being codependent.  Through these groups, Emma learned that what she perceived as being helpful was actually detrimental to Bill's sobriety and she learned to focus on herself. Over time, Bill learned to lead a sober life one day at a time (see my article: What's the Difference Between Codependency and Interdependency?).

An Example of Being Emotionally Supportive

Jack and Dan:

Jack's husband, Dan, suffered with anxiety since he was a child. Whenever Jack sensed that Dan's anxiety was especially high, he would prioritize spending time with him to actively listen to and validate Dan's concerns. Dan felt safe talking to Jack because Jack was emotionally supportive and not critical or judgmental. Dan also knew that Jack wasn't trying to "fix" him. Instead, Jack was empathetic and he had a lot of patience with Dan. Eventually, he suggested that Dan seek help in therapy. 

Being Emotionally Supportive

At first, Dan didn't follow through, but Jack never tried to pressure Dan or get angry with Dan that he wasn't following through with seeking help. Then, one day Dan had a panic attack on the subway while he was going to work. At first, he didn't know what was happening to him, but once the panic attack subsided, he realized his anxiety was getting worse. Somewhat reluctantly, Dan sought help in therapy to deal with his anxiety. A few weeks into his therapy, Dan was relieved that he sought help because he was learning new tools and strategies to deal with his anxiety. And, eventually, his therapist helped Dan to deal with his unresolved trauma that contributed to his anxiety by using a combination of Parts Work and EMDR therapy (see my article: Trauma Therapy: Combining Parts Work and EMDR Therapy).

Conclusion

Although you might have the best intentions and your inclination might be to try to solve your partner's problems, in the long run, you could be doing more harm than good.

Being emotionally supportive by being attuned, empathetic and validating your partner's feelings will be more helpful to your partner and your emotional support can strengthen the bonds between you.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have over 25 years of experience helping individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How Avoidance of 1ntimacy Turns Into Emotional Distance in Relationships

One of the most common reasons why couples seek help in couples therapy is due to lack of emotional and sexual intimacy (see my article: Have You and Your Partner Stopped Having Sex?).

Sexual Avoidance Turns Into Emotional Distance

Why Do Couples Avoid Emotional and Sexual Intimacy?

Emotional and sexual avoidance is a complex issue with many possible causes including relational and psychological issues.

Sexual avoidance creates relationship distance by transforming lack of sexual avoidance into emotional detachment. 

Sexual Avoidance Turns Into Emotional Distance

Sexual avoidance is rarely just about sex. It often involves relational, emotional, psychological and behavioral factors. For some couples, it can include physical and medical factors.

Sexual avoidance and emotional distance often stem from one or both partners feeling the need to protect themselves from against vulnerability and pressure. 

Sexual Avoidance Turns Into Emotional Distance

This can set up a cycle where an avoidant partner pulls away and the other partner feels rejected, anxious and lonely.

Here are some of the most common reasons for sexual avoidance and emotional distance:

Relational Issues:

• Communication problems
  

• Lack of trust
  

• Power struggles
  

• Mismatched libido (also known as desire discrepancy)
  

• Lack of relationship satisfaction

• Other unresolved problems

Emotional and Psychological Issues:

Unresolved trauma for one or both partners including:

• A history of sexual abuse
  

• A history of sexual assault

• Anxiety including

• Performance anxiety
  

• Painful sex
  

• General anxiety
  

• Low self esteem
  

• Body image issues
  

• Negative conditioning including strict cultural or religious beliefs that associate sex with guilt and shame (see my article: Overcoming Shame and Guilt Due to Cultural Issues).

Physical or Medical Conditions

• Chronic pain

• Cardiovascular problems

• Diabetes

• Hormonal imbalances including low testosterone

Behavioral Patterns

• An obsessive avoidance of sexual intimacy

• A tendency to detach emotionally or feel unsafe with closeness

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy where individuals or couples seek help (see my article:    What is Sex Therapy?).

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Sex therapy does not include any nudity or sex during therapy sessions (see my article: What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

Individuals and couples seek help in sex therapy for a variety of reasons (see my article: What Are Common Reasons Why Individuals and Couples Seek Help in Sex Therapy?).

Not all couples therapists have training as sex therapists so it's important to ask whether or not a couples therapist is a certified sex therapist.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who ia a certified sex therapist.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have over 25 years of experience working with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

What is Sexual Self Esteem?

What is Good Sex?

Creating Sexual Desire With the Simmer Technique? 

How is Contemporary Psychodynamic Psychotherapy Different From Traditional Psychoanalysis?

Contemporary psychodynamic psychotherapy, a modern therapy, originates from traditional (Freudian) psychoanalysis and there are some similarities between them and many differences.

Psychodynamic Psychotherapy vs Traditional Psychoanalysis

In fact, all therapy originates with Freud, but contemporary psychodynamic therapy has evolved beyond Freudian psychoanalysis in many ways.

Both traditional psychoanalysis and psychodynamic psychotherapy are depth-oriented therapies that strive to get to the root of the client's problems, but there are significant differences between them.

 

How is Contemporary Psychodynamic Psychotherapy Different From Traditional Psychoanalysis?

• Frequency and Setting: Whereas clients attend traditional psychoanalysis anywhere from 3-5 times a week, clients in contemporary psychodynamic therapy tend to meet once a week either in person or online.

Psychodynamic Psychotherapy vs Traditional Psychoanalysis 

• Focus: In traditional psychoanalysis there tends to be a deep, extensive exploration of unconscious conflict, early childhood and dream analysis. In contemporary psychodynamic psychotherapy, although the unconscious is important, the focus tends to be on current life problems, current interpersonal relationships, emotional expression and recurring patterns which often originate from earlier relationships.

• Therapist's Role: The therapist's role is a "blank slate" in traditional Freudian psychoanalysis. The neutrality of the traditional psychoanalyst is seen as important to encourage the client's transference which the therapist interprets. However, in contemporary psychodynamic psychotherapy the therapist's role is more interactive and dynamic. Instead of just focusing only on the client's transference, psychodynamic therapy focuses on the relationship between the client and therapist--in other words, it focuses on both transference/countertransference of the client and therapist. 

Psychodynamic Psychotherapy vs Traditional Psychoanalysis

• Duration: Whereas traditional psychoanalysis tends to last for years, contemporary psychodynamic psychotherapy tends to be shorter and more focused.

• Goal: The goal of traditional psychoanalysis is usually to gain insight into repressed conflicts to resolve them. Depending upon the goals of the client, in contemporary psychodynamic psychotherapy the goal tends to be improved functioning and self understanding for the client's current challenges.

Psychodynamic Psychotherapy vs Psychoanalysis

• Accessibility: Compared to traditional psychoanalysis, contemporary psychodynamic psychotherapy tends to be more accessible for common problems like depression and anxiety. 

• Technique: Whereas traditional psychoanalysis tends to be Freudian, contemporary psychodynamic psychotherapy incorporate elements from various other modern theories, including objection relations and attachment theories, among others, not just Freudian psychoanalysis.

My Next Article: 

In my next article, I'll discuss Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy (AEDP), a cutting edge trauma therapy which is a psychodynamic psychotherapy.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist who is a psychodynamic psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Overcoming Loneliness

Loneliness is not defined by how many people you have in your life. You can have hundreds of people in your life, but if your connections with them aren't deep and authentic and if these connections aren't meaningful to you, you will experience loneliness.

Overcoming Loneliness

Loneliness is a subjective feeling. It's usually defined by the gap between the social connections you wish you had compared to what you actually have.

Loneliness isn't about being physically alone. It's a feeling--not a physical state. It doesn't matter how many people are around you, if your connections are shallow, you will probably feel lonely. 

Clients often describe their sense of loneliness as feeling emotionally disconnected from others and, in some cases, feeling misunderstood.

What Causes Loneliness?

Loneliness can be caused by many internal and external factors including:

    Internal Factors:

• Mental Health Conditions: Depression, anxiety (including social anxiety),a low sense of self worth and other mental health conditions can make it difficult to develop and maintain relationships.

Overcoming Loneliness

• Past Unresolved Trauma: Unresolved trauma where your trust was violated can make it difficult to trust people.

• Personality: For some people, personality is a factor. For instance, people who are very introverted might find it difficult to form and sustain friendships. 

    External Factors:

• Loss: The death of a loved one, divorce, a breakup or other types of loss can create a sense of loneliness (see my article: Coping With the Loss of a Loved One).

• Life Changes: Moving to a new area, retirement, starting a new job or school or becoming a new parent can disrupt social networks (see my article: Being Open to New Experiences).

Overcoming Loneliness

• Social Isolation: Living alone in a remote area, having a disability that impacts mobility and the ability to have social interaction as well as other circumstances, can have a big impact on loneliness.

• Economic Factors: Financial struggles can make it difficult to participate in social activities.

• Cultural and Societal Pressures: An overreliance on technology instead of having more direct human contact, career stress and discrimination often contribute to loneliness.

What is the Difference Between Loneliness and Solitude?

There are fundamental differences between loneliness and solitude (see my article: What's the Difference Between Loneliness and Solitude?).

• Loneliness: As previously mentioned, loneliness involves wanting to have deeper connections with people but not having them. It can also involve an involuntary separation from meaningful relationships.

• Solitude: Solitude is a voluntary state where people are alone but they enjoy their time alone. They continue to have social relationships with others that they can return to when they want to reconnect with them. Their time alone can be balanced with their time with others.

How to Prevent or Overcome Loneliness

Overcoming loneliness requires making a conscious effort to make a change in your life.

Here are some suggestions that might work for you:

• Be aware that everyone experiences loneliness at some point, but it you feeling lonely most of the time, it's an indication that you need to make a change in your life (see my article: Developing the Internal Motivation to Change).

• Understand the impact that loneliness is having on your health, mental health and overall well-being.

Overcoming Loneliness

• Talk to someone in your life you can trust--a family member, friend or someone else you consider trustworthy.

• Get involved in community service or an activity you enjoy where you can connect with others in a meaningful way.

Overcoming Loneliness

• Anticipate the best from people instead of expecting to be rejected.

Overcoming Loneliness

• Focus on developing quality friendships with people who have similar attitudes, interests and values.

• Strengthen existing connections. While it's important to develop new connections, it's also important to strengthen current connections. Maybe there's a friend or family member you haven't spoken to in a while. Reach out to them.

Get Help in Therapy

Therapy can help you to overcome loneliness.  

Get Help in Therapy

Therapy provides a supportive environment to understand the root causes of loneliness including how mental health issues, coping skills, social skills, negative beliefs and prior traumatic experiences among other issues might be getting in your way.

Therapy can also help you to set and follow through on goals to overcome loneliness and deal with internal blocks which might be unconscious (see my article: Overcoming Emotional Blocks).

Rather than struggling on your own, contact a licensed mental health professional to develop a more meaningful life with deeper connections.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Parts Work Therapy (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and a Certified Sex Therapist.

I have helped many individual adults and couples to overcome loneliness.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW -NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

Why Are Close Friendships Important?

Making Changes: The Need For Emotional Connection and a Sense of Belonging

Vulnerability as a Pathway to Emotional Intimacy  

Feeling Lonely in a Relationship

Why Do Heterosexal Men Tend to Have Fewer Friendships Than Women?

Relationships: Coping With Being Ghosted By Your Partner

Ghosting is the act of ending a relationship with someone by suddenly and without explanation cutting off all contact.

Coping With Being Ghosted By Your Partner

This can include ignoring texts, calls and social media, effectively disappearing from the person's life. It is commonly associated with dating, but it can happen in any relationship and it has become more prevalent since the rise of technology.

Being Ghosted By Your Partner

Being ghosted by someone you're in a relationship with is especially painful. It can leave you with self doubt, many unanswered questions as well as: 

• Lack of Closure: When there is no explanation, it can leave you with questions and a sense of uncertainty that can make it difficult for you to move on.

Coping With Being Ghosted By Your Partner

• The Possibility of Negative Self Talk: Being ghosted by your partner can lead to your experiencing self criticism, self doubt, feeling rejected and a general feeling where you question your self worth.

• The Possibility of Loss of Trust: Being ghosted by your partner can cause you to experience a lack of trust which can make it harder to trust others in future relationships.

Why Do People Ghost Their Partners?

There can be many reasons why a ghoster disappears from someone's life including:

• Conflict Avoidance: The partner might be avoiding an uncomfortable confrontation. They also might not know how to communicate their feelings.

• Emotional Immaturity: Poor communication and conflict resolution skills is usually indicator of emotional immaturity.

• Fear and Anxiety: Fear, anxiety or negative experiences from the past can contribute to ghoster disappearing.

• Loss of Interest: Sometimes ghosting is a sign that the ghoster has lost interest, found someone else or they are having an affair. None of this excuses ghosting.

How to Cope With Being Ghosted By Your Partner

As previously mentioned, being ghosted by a partner can be very hurtful and confusing.

Here are some tips on how to cope:

• Allow Yourself to Grieve: Acknowledge and process your feelings without judgment. Self compassion is essential to healing.

• Try Not to Personalize It: Ghosting is usually a reflection on your partner and their issues--not a reflection on you. Their behavior reflects their inability to handle the situation.

• Acknowledge and Accept the Reality: Even though it's painful, acknowledge and accept that your partner's behavior probably indicates the end of the relationship. It's a definitive action--even without an explanation.

• Focus on Self Care: Take the time to prioritize your own healing. Focus on what brings you joy and helps you to feel secure within yourself.

• Seek Emotional Support: Talk to trusted friends and family members for emotional support.

• Seek Help in Therapy: If you have been especially traumatized by being ghosted and your usual support network isn't enough, seek help in therapy where a licensed mental health professional can help you to get through the crisis.

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette, which is composite of many cases, illustrates the emotional pain and confusion of being ghosted by a partner and how therapy can help:

Jane

Jane came home from work on day and she discovered that Ed had moved out. All of his belongings were removed from the apartment without explanation.

At first, Jane thought they had been robbed, but then she realized that only Ed's belongings were missing and nothing of value had been taken.

She was shocked. Three years into their relationship, everything seemed to be going well between them. They were talking about getting engaged and even discussing when they would get married. So she couldn't understand what had happened.

Coping With Being Ghosted By Your Partner

She tried to call him and text him numerous times that night, but he didn't respond to her.  She even called his family, but they said they didn't know where he was. 

But when she reached his best friend, Joe, he didn't sound surprised. He hesitated before speaking and then said, "I'm sorry Jane. I didn't think he would handle things this way. You need to forget him."

Joe's response was even more confusing to her and she asked him what he knew, but Joe said he didn't want to speak for Ed. He said Ed needed to speak for himself and he thought it was awful that Ed would just leave without talking to Jane.

Without answers as to why Ed left, Jane replayed in her mind the last few weeks as a way to try to understand what happened between them, but she couldn't remember anything that happened that would cause Ed to leave without a word.

For several days Jane kept trying to reach Ed, but her calls kept going to voicemail and he didn't respond to her texts.  

She felt a mixture of anger, sadness, confusion and anxiety. When she talked to her close friends, she felt emotionally supported by them, but she kept wondering what could have possibly gone wrong that would make Ed leave this way.

After a few weeks went by without any word from Ed, Jane sought help in psychotherapy. She felt so overwhelmed by her emotions that she was starting to doubt herself in all areas of her life.  

Her therapist helped Jane to grieve. She felt so abandoned and upset about the way Ed left that she felt like she never wanted to be in another relationship again.

The abandonment was made worse by the fact that Jane lost her father when she was 10 due to his sudden heart attack. No one in the family, including her mother, knew how to grieve, so after the funeral, they went about their daily activities as if nothing had happened. This left Jane feeling alone and not only abandoned by her father but also abandoned by the rest of her family. 

As a result, she never fully grieved the loss of her father, which was now being triggered by Ed's sudden departure.

Her therapist helped Jane to grieve the current loss and the loss of her father using a combination of EMDR Therapy and Parts Work Therapy.

After several months, Jane began to feel like herself again. She still couldn't believe that Ed left without a word, but she accepted the reality of her situation. She realized that it wasn't her fault that he left. She also realized he lacked the emotional maturity to talk to her about breaking up.  

With time, Jane began making some sense of Ed's sudden departure when she remembered her situations he had told her about--including how he suddenly ended a relationship with a fiance 15 years before. He had told her that he regretted ending that relationship in that way and he would never do that again, but Jane realized he had not matured since he ended that relationship.

Initially, she blamed herself for trusting him while she knew he had done this before many years ago, but over time she realized it wasn't her fault.

Aside from talking to her friends and attending therapy, Jane also engaged in hobbies that she used to enjoy. At first, she felt like she was just going through the motions but, gradually, she regained her sense of enjoyment.

Working through the original loss of her father and the abrupt end to her relationship with Joe wasn't easy. It took time and work in therapy to heal.

A couple of years later, Jane was in a new relationship with Tom. She was hesitant, at first to trust him but, since he knew her history, Tom was patient with Jane and he showed himself to be trustworthy.

Although she never found out why Ed left, Jane left go of her sadness and resentment as she healed in therapy. 

Conclusion

Being ghosted is a painful experience, especially when it occurs in a relationship.

There is no excuse for the ghoster to disappear suddenly without an explanation, but there can be many reasons that often have little or nothing to do with the person who is being ghosted.

After the initial shock, accepting the reality of the situation and allowing yourself to grieve is part of the healing process.

If the support of trusted family and friends isn't enough, consider getting help from a licensed mental health professional who has the expertise to help you on your healing journey.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples and I have helped many clients to grieve their losses.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.