How to Quiet Your Overthinking Mind

The first step in quieting your overthinking mind is becoming aware of what you're worrying about and how it's affecting you.

How is Your Overthinking Mind Affecting You?

Worrying can take a toll on your physical and mental well-being.

How to Quiet Your Overthinking Mind

Take a step back and notice your thought patterns. When you have a moment to yourself, do you use it to relax or do something you enjoy or do you engage in repetitive thinking where you worry about whether you forgot to perform a task or if you overestimated how much someone likes you or something else you worry about?

If you tend to engage in worrying, notice how it affects your mood and how it affects your life. What's the primary emotion behind your overthinking? Are you feeling irritable, nervous or guilty? 

Being aware of the effect of overthinking also includes having bodily awareness. This means you notice your bodily responses, which might include tense shoulders, feeling tightness in your chest or clenching in your stomach--just to give a few possible examples.

How to Quiet Your Overthinking Mind

When you're aware of how you're thinking and the impact it's having on you, you have a better chance of changing it.

What Are Some Tips to Stop Overthinking?

• Distract Yourself With An Activity You Enjoy: Go to your favorite workout class or take up a new hobby. Whatever you choose, make it something that will occupy your mind.

How to Quiet Your Overthinking Mind

• Breathe: Learn square breathing to calm yourself. This can also take your mind off whatever you're ruminating about.  

• Meditate: Mindfulness meditation can help you to quiet your mind and be in the present moment rather than worrying about other things.

• Develop a Broader Perspective: To gain perspective on non-urgent matters, ask yourself if you will care about this non-urgent matter in five or ten years. By gaining a broader perspective, you can learn to prioritize other matters that are more important.

How to Quiet Your Overthinking Mind

• Help Others: Rather than worrying, consider helping others. For instance, your friend who has a young child might appreciate a break if you watch her child. You can also volunteer to help those less fortunate than yourself.

• Learn to Reframe Your Negative Thoughts: Instead of going to the worst case scenario, reframe your thoughts to consider possible positive outcomes (see my article: Develop a Different Perspective Through Reframing).

• Validate Yourself For Your Successes: Instead of focusing on things you feel you didn't get right or things you worry about not getting right in the future, acknowledge and validate your successes--no matter how small (see my article: What is Self Validation?).

How to Quiet Your Overthinking Mind

• Take Action: Instead of worrying about the things you have done or haven't done, take action to do things you can take care of now. This can be empowering and give you a sense of accomplishment.

• Embrace Your Fears: Learn to accept that some things will always be out of your control and, instead of trying to push your fears away, embrace them.

How to Quiet Your Overthinking Mind

• Practice Self Compassion: Shift your thoughts and feelings from worrying to practicing self compassion.

Get Help in Therapy: 

If you have been unable to quiet your overthinking mind with self help tips, consider getting help in therapy. 

Get Help in Therapy

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to stop overthinking so you can live a more fulfilling life,

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: How to Stop Avoiding Conflict So You Can Have Healthy Communication

Conflicts are inevitable in relationships, but many individuals avoid conflicts. This avoidance often results in misunderstandings, disappointment and resentment, which becomes part of the couple's negative cycle (see my article: The Problem Isn't the Problem. The Problem is the Repeating Negative Cycle in the Relationship).

Stop Avoiding Conflicts in Your Relationship

Why Do People in Relationships Avoid Conflicts?

• Fear of Conflict: Individuals who avoid conflicts have a fear of conflict because they are afraid of negative outcomes including judgment or rejection from their partner. They might also fear the conflict will end the relationship. In addition, they might have a negative prior history with conflict in their family of origiin or in prior relationships, including unresolved trauma, which reinforces their avoidance. 

• Anxiety and Self Doubt: Anxiety about expressing their feelings and self doubt might also be contributing factors. This can make conflict seem overwhelming, especially if they fear that conflict will result in a shouting match.

Stop Avoiding Conflicts in Your Relationship

• A Need to Maintain Short-Term Harmony in the Relationship At Any Cost: These individuals prioritize maintaining short term harmony, but avoiding conflict prevents personal growth, relationship growth and fosters disappointments and resentment. A need to maintain short-term harmony often results in long-term disharmony due to consequences of unexpressed feelings and beliefs.

• Fear of Short-Term Emotional Discomfort: Confrontations can bring about short-term emotional discomfort, but if a couple has healthy communication skills, confrontations can also resolve problems which can bring long-term comfort.

What Are the Relationship Dynamics When Couples Avoid Confrontations?

Every relationship is different, but the following are some of the most common relationship dynamics when couples avoid confrontations:

• A Desire to Maintain Short-Term Harmony While Problems Fester: Couples who avoid confrontations often prioritize maintaining harmony instead of addressing the underlying problems in their relationship--even if it means continuing to have unresolved problems in the long term.

• Poor Communication Skills: People who avoid confrontations often feel unprepared to deal with conflict because they lack healthy communication skills (see my article: Complaining Instead of Expressing What You Want).

Stop Avoiding Conflict in Your Relationship

• Fear of Vulnerable Emotions: Many individuals are afraid of the emotional vulnerability involved with expressing their feelings, so they would rather avoid it altogether (see my article: Emotonal Vulnerabiltiy as a Pathway to Greater Emotional and Sexual Intimacy).

What Are the Consequences of Conflict Avoidance?

Every relationship will have their own unique consequences, but here are some of the most common outcomes of conflict avoidance:

• Unresolved Issues: When a couple avoids dealing with conflict, unresolved issues grow and fester. Disappointment and resentment grows which can lead to even larger blow ups than if the couple had dealt with the problems when they first developed.

• Communication Breakdown: As problems are avoided, communication between the individuals breaks down. When open and honest communication shuts down, this often leads to emotional distancing.

Stop Avoiding Conflict in Your Relationship

• Emotional Distancing: As problems grow and fester, couples often distance themselves from each other. This can be conscious or an unconscious behavior.  This leads to a lack of emotional and sexual intimacy. Defensive walls develop between them so they might no longer see and hear one another. This can result in loneliness and isolation.

• Stagnation and the Possible End of the Relationship: As problems persist, communication breaks down and each the couple distances themselves from each other, the relationship stagnates. Each person can feel stuck in an unfulfilling relationship as the couple drifts apart. This can also lead to the end of the relationship.

How to Overcome Conflict Avoidance

• Become Aware: The first step in overcoming conflict avoidance is to become aware of the problem.  Learn to recognize these patterns in the relationship (see my article: What is Self Reflective Awareness and Why Is It Important to You?).

Stop Avoiding Conflict in Your Relationship

• Challenge Negative Beliefs About Conflict: Reframe your beliefs about conflict to understand that conflict is a necessary part of building intimacy and emotional connection instead of seeing it as a sign of a failed relationship.

• Understand the Consequences of Conflict Avoidance: Develop an understanding for what is lost and what is gained with conflict avoidance. In terms of losses, this can include loss of emotional and sexual intimacy. With regard to what can be gained, this can include better communication and the overall health and well-being of the individuals and the relationship.

How to Use Healthy Communication Skills to Deal With Conflicts

• Practice Active Listening: Listen to your partner's concerns with respect and without interrupting or focusing on when you will get your turn to speak (see my article: The Importance of Active Listening in Your Relationship).

Stop Avoiding Conflict in Your Relationship

• Use I-Statements: Rather than using accusatory statements and blaming your partner, use I-statements where you express your feelings ("I feel hurt when...").

• Clarify Your Expectations: Instead of assuming your partner already knows or "should know" your expectations, be explicit about what you want. When you're able to express your needs clearly, you can set clear boundaries and prevent bigger misunderstandings.

Stop Avoiding Conflict in Your Relationship

• Create a Safe Space: Talking about conflicts can be emotionally vulnerable so create a safe space for each other, you will both feel safer to express your feelings in a healthy way (see my article: Creating an Emotional Safe Haven For Each Other).

Get Help in Couples Therapy

Many couples need help to deal with their problems.

Stop Avoiding Conflict in Your Relationship

If you and your partner have been unable to resolve your problems in your own, you could benefit from seeking health from a licensed mental health professional who works with couples.

A skilled couples therapist can help you overcome your problems so you can have a fulfilling relationship (see my article: How to Get the Most Out of Couples Therapy).

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (couples therapist), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

 

Why Medication Alone Can't Solve Most Psychological Problems

Many people who are taking medication ask why medication alone isn't solving their psychological problems (see my article: Medication Alone Isn't As Effective as Psychotherapy).

Medication Alone Can't Solve Most Psychological Problems

Why Can't Medication Solve Most Psychological Problems?

There are times when medication might be necessary and helpful to deal with the symptoms of a psychological problem. However, when medication is needed, a better approach to consider is combining medication with psychotherapy.

Here's why:

• Medication Targets Symptoms, But It Can't Get to the Root Cause of Your Problem: Whereas psychotherapy can get to the root cause of your problem, medication  alone can help to alleviate symptoms while you're on the medication. Medication doesn't address the underlying causes of your problem. For instance, if you choose to take medication for anxiety or depression, your symptoms might improve, but it doesn't address the underlying psychological and emotional factors involved so problem isn't resolved. 

Medication Alone Can't Solve Most Psychological Problems

• Medication Doesn't Teach You Tools, Strategies or Coping Skills: Medication might reduce your symptoms, but it doesn't help you to change negative thoughts or to improve emotional regulation. It doesn't help you to develop the necessary coping skills and internal resources. It also doesn't help you to work through unresolved trauma. Psychotherapy can help you with these issues and more (see my article: Developing Internal Resources and Coping Skills).

• Medication Doesn't Provide Provide Psychological Interventions: Psychological issues require psychological interventions. For instance, unlike psychotherapy, medication alone doesn't address the following issues or a variety other psychological problems:

• Grief

• Poor communication skills

• Dysfunctional relationship patterns

• Unresolved trauma

• Medication Doesn't Help You to Develop Internal Resources: Psychotherapy can help you to develop the necessary internal resources and coping skills related to your problem. In many cases, when you have developed these internal resources, it's possible you won't be as reliant on medication or you might not need it (always consult with your psychiatrist before you reduce or stop your medication). Medication is usually for symptom reduction. While medication can reduce symptoms, psychotherapy can help you to develop the following skills and internal resources and more:

• Develop self reflective capacity

• Develop a personal growth mindset

• Develop personal resilience

Conclusion

Medication can be a tool for managing symptoms and creating stability, but psychotherapy addresses the underlying issues at the root of your problem, helps you to develop coping skills and promotes positive change.

For many psychological issues, the combination of psychotherapy and medication can be effective. 

Always consult with a mental health professional who has the necessary expertise about this.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you have been struggling with unresolved problems, you could benefit from working with a skilled psychotherapist who can help you to develop the tools and strategies to overcome your problem.

Getting Help in Therapy

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who has the expertise to help you to lead a more meaningful life.

Note: Never reduce or stop medication without consulting with your psychiatrist.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I am also work with individual adults and couples (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How is Fear of Abandonment Related to Insecure Attachment Styles

I have discussed fear of abandonment in prior articles:

• How to Overcome Fear of Abandonment

• Overcoming Fear of Abandonment in Trauma Therapy 

• Self Abandonment - Part 1

• Self Abandonment - Part 2

The Connection Between Fear of Abandonment and Attachment Styles

In the current article, I'm discussing the connection between fear of abandonment and insecure attachment styles (see my article: What is Your Attachment Style?).

Fear of Abandonment

Abandonment Issues and An Anxious Attachment Style

Someone with abandonment issues and an anxious attachment style can have some or all of the following characteristics:

• A need for constant communication. A text, email or a call which is not answered quickly can trigger anxiety and fear of abandonment

• A need for physical contact whenever possible

• A discomfort with being alone

Fear of Abandonment and Anxious Attachment Style

• A tendency to be clingy in relationships

• A need for constant reassurance and validation due to fear of rejection

• A need to engage in people pleasing and fawning due to a conscious or unconscious fear of being left

• Jealousy of a partner's friends and/or family members due to fear the partner will choose to prioritize them

• Retroactive jealousy for a partner's past partners--even though those prior partners are no longer around.

Abandonment Issues and An Avoidant Attachment Style

Someone with abandonment issues and an avoidant attachment style can have some or all of the following characteristics:

• A need to be excessively self reliant to the point of not wanting to be reliant even in a healthy way with their partner due to a history of not being able to rely on caretakers as a child (see my article: What is the Difference Between Codependency and Interdependency?

• Difficulty asking for help due to fears of being rejected or disappointed by others

Fear of Abandonment and Avoidant Attachment Style

• Difficulty feeling or expressing emotions

• Using distraction or deflection when difficult emotions come up instead of communicating about these emotions directly

• A deep-seated mistrust of others due to not having reliable caregivers

• An avoidance of making a commitment in a relationship due to fear of being left

• A need to push others away with criticism, contempt, defensiveness or stonewalling (see my article: Avoiding the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse).

• A sudden change in mood when feelings of being ignored, rejected or invalidated come up

Abandonment Issues and a Disorganized Attachment Style

Someone with abandonment issues and an disorganized attachment style can have some or all of the following characteristics:

• A discomfort with emotional and/or sexual intimacy due to fear of being vulnerable, rejected or left

• Alternating between an intense desire for connection and not wanting connection out of fear of being left or not trusting

Fear of Abandonment and Disorganized Attachment Style

• Keeping loved ones and others at arms length with self sabotaging behavior 

• Sudden changes in mood due to feelings of being rejected, ignored or abandoned

Self Care for Abandonment Issues

The following self care suggestions might be helpful:

• Be aware of your past trauma and how it is affecting you now (see my article: Unresolved Trauma Can Affect Your Adult Relationships)

• Communicate your emotional needs to your partner. Don't expect your partner to know what your needs are without telling them.

Fear of Abandonment and Self Care: Communicate Your Needs

• Practice mindfulness

• Learn emotional negulation so you can calm yourself when you're feeling rejected, ignored, invalidated or abandoned.

• Learn to challenge your distorted beliefs about yourself and others

Get Help in Trauma Therapy
Regardless of your attachment style, abandonment issues can be challenging.

Get Help in Trauma Therapy

A skilled trauma therapist can help you to work through your past trauma so you can approach close relationships without your history of trauma having a negative impact on these relationships.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who has advanced skills and experience in trauma therapy so you can lead a more meaningful life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have over 20 years of experiencing individual adults and couples (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

What is Hypervigilance and How is it Related to Unresolved Psychological Trauma?

Hypervigilance is a heightened state of awareness that allows humans to sense threats in their environment.

Hypervigilance and Psychological Trauma

People who are in a perpetual state of hypervigilance feel like they are constantly under a threat.  The part of the human brain that manages emotions, the amygdala, is in overdrive.

What Causes Hypervigilance?

This article focuses on psychological trauma. However, there are other potential mental and physical causes of hypervigilance including:

• Anxiety
  

• Panic Attacks
  

• Depression
  

• Dementia

• Adrenal Disorders

• Fibromyalgia 

Hypervigilance and Unresolved Childhood Trauma

Children who grow up in a dysfunctional family where parents might be unpredictable, violent, abusing substances, physically abusive or neglectful learn to be hypervigilant as an unconscious survival strategy. They learn to sense their parents' shifting moods so they can be ready at all times to protect their safety.

Hypervigilance and Unresolved Childhood Trauma

Without help in therapy, these traumatized children usually grow up to be traumatized adults and they continue to be hypervigilant in their surroundings.

Examples of Hypervigilance in Adults

• Hypervigilance to Their Surroundings: People who grew up in an abusive family or who experienced abusive relationships as an adult might have a strong startle response reflex where they are startled by the slightest sound or movement.

• Hypervigilance to Other People's Thoughts, Feelings and Behavior: People who experience hypervigilance might be very observant of other people's thoughts, feelings, behavior and body language for any signs of change or potential danger.

• Hypervigilance of Their Own Body: People who experience serious medical problems or who have someone close to them who have experienced serious medical problems are often hypervigilant of their own body. A minor experience of pain might be perceived as a catastrophic disease.

Hypervigilance and Catastrophizinglo

• Hypervigilance and Catastrophizing: People who are hypervigilant tend to create negative narratives in their mind which can spin out of control. Small things, like a friend not responding to a text immediately, can develop into a catastrophic story where the friend has died. Even when things are going well, people who are hypervigilant might find it difficult to enjoy happy times because they are always waiting for the other shoe to drop (see my article: Are You Catastrophizing?).

• Hypervigilance and Insecurities: Since hypervigilance is mostly about preventing or avoiding potential threats, people who are hypervigilant might attempt to ward off threats by people pleasing or fawning. They might struggle with regulating their emotions or trusting others. They might have problems letting their guard down so they can relax or they might be fearful they will say or do the "wrong thing" (see my article: Trauma and the Fawn Response

• Hypervigilance and Avoidant Behavior: People who struggle with hypervigilance can be avoidant in ways that are detrimental to themselves and others. They might avoid people, places and things they fear. This can cause problems in their personal life as well as their career. For instance, if they experience minor turbulence on a plane trip, they might avoid ever getting on a plane again--even if it means they won't see close friends or family members or they might lose a job that involves travel. Another example is if someone is in a minor car accident where no one was hurt, they might avoid driving again--even if it means they can't visit people close to them or go to work.  A third example: If someone goes through a bad breakup, they might avoid dating or getting into another relationship. In other words, many other people, who don't experience hypervigilance, might be hesitant after having a bad relationship experience, but they learn to cope and they don't avoid.  In contrast, the person who is hypervigilant takes it to an extreme because it's their way of protecting themselves. However, in the process, they don't learn to cope or overcome their fears. They remain stuck (see my article: What is Avoidant Behavior?).

What is the Potential Physical and Psychological Impact of Hypervigilance?

People who experience hypervigilance might experience some or all of the following characteristics:

• Chronic Stress: A constant flood of cortisol and adrenaline is exhausting and can cause medical, emotional and psychological problems.

Hypervigilance and Relationship Problems

• Relationship Problems: While people who experience hypervigilance might be more aware of potential red flags in a relationship, they might also have problems getting close or trusting even in a healthy situation. They might be overly sensitive or emotionally overreactive to a partner's comments. Some people might avoid getting involved in relationships at all because o they fear getting hurt (see my article: How Trauma Can Affect Your Ability to Be Emotionally Vulnerable in a Romantic Relationship).

Hypervigilance, Loneliness and Isolaton

• Loneliness and Isolation: A fear of making friends or seeking romantic relationships due to fear of getting hurt, can lead to isolation and loneliness (see my article: Loneliness and Social Isolation).

How to Cope With Hypervigilance

Here are some interventions that might be helpful to you:

• Grounding Exercises: You can learn to calm yourself with breathing exercises, mindfulness meditation and journaling.

Coping with Hypervigilance By Meditating

• Limiting or Eliminating Coffee, Alcohol or Other Substances: If you notice you feel worse after drinking coffee or alcohol, consider either limiting your intake or eliminating these substances.

• Seeking Help in Trauma Therapy: If you work with a trauma therapist, you can learn to: 

• Identify your triggers

• Learn to overcome your triggers

• Be able to differentiate your feelings from objective reality (see my article: Discovering Your Thoughts and Feelings Aren't Facts)

• Work through the psychological trauma underlying your hypervigilance so you are free from your traumatic history

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

Trauma therapy includes various types of therapy that were developed specifically to help people to overcome trauma. 

These include:

• EMDR Therapy (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing Therapy)

• Somatic Experiencing
  

• AEDP (Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy)

• Hypnotherapy
  

• Parts Work Therapy (including Internal Family Systems Therapy and Ego States Therapy)

When you work with a skilled trauma therapist, you can overcome hypervigilance and unresolved psychological trauma.

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

Rather than struggling nn your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who is a trauma therapist so you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples) and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

8 Tips For Coping With Triggers

What is the Difference Between Trauma and PTSD (Posttraumatic Stress Disorder)

What is Trauma-Related Dissociation?

Why Are Close Friendships Important?

According to a 2021 American Perspectives Survey, Americans tend to have fewer close friends in recent years than they did in years past (see my article: Overcoming Loneliness and Social Isolation).

The survey also found that Americans talk to friends less often and rely on friends less for emotional support than they did in the past (see my article: Emotional Support From Your Family of Choice).

Close Friends Are Important For Your Overall Well-Being

According to the survey, there are reasons for this, including:

• Americans are more mobile than they were before so this makes it difficult to maintain friendships with the consistency that these relationships need.

• Americans are working and traveling more for work which doesn't leave time to develop and foster friendships.

• American parents are spending more time with their children than previous generations so this doesn't allow much time for friendships.

Why Are Close Friendships Important to Your Mental Health?

Close friendships can improve mental health because friendships:

• Reduce Loneliness and Social Isolation: Spending time with friends can help prevent loneliness and social isolation which can have mental health benefits.

• Provide Emotional Support: Friends can help with getting through difficult times and to cope with anxiety, depression, stress and major changes.

Close Friends Are Important For Your Overall Well-Being

• Improve Self Esteem: Positive interactions with friends can improve self esteem.

• Foster a Sense of Belonging: Close friends can increase feelings of belonging and community which can help with feeling connected and supported (see my article: The Need For Emotional Connection and a Sense of Belonging).

• Increase Happiness and Satisfaction with Life: Close friends can contribute to overall happiness and satisfaction with life.

• Help With Personal Growth: Friendships can challenge you to learn, grow and become a better version of yourself.

• Provide a Sense of Purpose: Close friendship can contribute to a sense of meaning and purpose in life (see my articles: A Search For a Meaningful Life and Living a Meaningful Life).

Why Are Close Friendship Important for Your Physical Health?

Close friendships can improve your physical health benefits because friendships can:

• Improve Cardiovascular Health: Having supportive friends can contribute to having healthier blood pressure and reduce the risk of cardiovascular problems.

Close Friendships Are Important to Your Overall Well-Being

• Enhance Immune Functions: Social support from friends can potentially enhance immune functions which reduce the risk of illness.

• Help Increase Life Expectancy: Studies have indicated that people with strong social connections tend to live longer.

Future Articles:

I'll continue to explore the importance of friendships in future articles.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I have over 20 years of experience helping individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.