What Are the Similarities and Differences Between IFS Parts Work Therapy and Contemporary Psychoanalysis?

In my prior article, Integrating Contemporary Psychoanalysis and Experiential Therapy, I discussed integrating experiential therapy and contemporary psychoanalysis.

IFS Parts Work and Contemporary Psychoanalysis

As I mentioned in that article, experiential therapy includes :

• Hypnotherapy (also known as Clinical Hypnosis)

• EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) Therapy

• AEDP (Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy)

• Parts Work Therapy (Ego States Therapy and IFS: Internal Family Systems)

• Emotion Focused Therapy For Couples (EFT)

• Somatic Experiencing

In the current article I'm exploring the similarities and differences between IFS Parts Work Therapy and contemporary psychoanalysis, in particular, relational psychoanalysis.

For a basic explanation of contemporary psychoanalysis and experiential therapy see my prior article.

Similarities Between IFS Parts Work Therapy and Contemporary Psychoanalysis

Both IFS Parts Work Therapy and contemporary psychoanalysis:

• Recognize the Importance of the Unconscious Mind: Mental processes in contemporary psychoanalysis and parts work in IFS emphasize the importance of the unconscious mind (see my article: Making the Unconscious Conscious).

IFS Parts Work and Contemporary Psychoanalysis

• Non-Pathologizing Stance: Both therapies have moved away from the pathologizing the client's internal world which was common in traditional psychotherapy in the past. Specifically, IFS views the client's internal world as made up of various parts that have good intentions. Contemporary psychoanalysis focuses on understanding the client's internal object relations and defenses rather than labeling them as problems.

• A Goal of Self Understanding: Both therapies promote the client's self understanding and self acceptance.

• The Influence of the Past in the Present Day: Both approaches acknowledge the here-and-now experiences of the client as well as the influence of the client's personal history, including early relationships.

Differences Between IFS Parts Work Therapy and Contemporary Psychoanalysis

The Client's View of Self

• IFS Parts Work: Assumes an inherent undamaged Core Self within every person. Core Self is composed of the 8 Cs: Compassion, calmness, curiosity, creativity, confidence, clarity, courage, connectedness. A primary goal of IFS is to access the Core Self so the client can be lead from Core Self and not by their various parts.

IFS Parts Work and Contemporary Psychoanalysis

• Contemporary Psychoanalysis: Assumes the self is a product of interpersonal relationships and internal representations (object relationships). The focus is on developing a cohesive, authentic self within the relational matrix.

The Therapist's Role

• IFS Parts Work: The therapist is a guide and a mediator to help the client to focus on their Core Self and work with their internal parts (also known as subpersonalities).

IFS Parts Work and Contemporary Psychoanalysis

• Contemporary Psychoanalysis: The therapist is an active participant in the therapy with a "real" relationship between the therapist and the client. The focus is on the therapeutic relationship as a vehicle for an emotional corrective experience and insight.

Technique

• IFS Parts Work: The therapist uses experiential techniques, including internal dialog and visualization, to interact directly with the internal parts.

• Contemporary Psychoanalysis: There is an emphasis on exploring transference and countertransference and the client's internal world as it manifests in the therapy.

Focus on Transference

• IFS Parts Work: Transference is understood as the client's internal parts interacting with the therapist's internal parts. When it is therapeutically beneficial, the therapist might comment on their own parts in an effort to inform the client's process.

IFS Parts Work and Contemporary Psychoanalysis

• Contemporary Psychoanalysis: The client's transference and the therapist's countertransference are central to the therapy. Both transference and countertransference offer important information about the client's internal world as well as past and present relationships.

Use of Metaphor

• IFS Parts Work: Uses a concrete metaphor about the client's "internal family" with specific roles for these parts (managers, firefighters, exiles) to understand the structure of the client's internal world.

• Contemporary Psychoanalysis: Tends to use more theoretical and nuanced language to describe internal dynamics, often viewing parts as metaphors for defended affects and anxiety responses.

Client Empowerment

• IFS Parts Work: Emphasizes "self leadership" (Core Self) to empower clients to foster lifelong skills and internal harmony (see my article: Parts Work Can Be Empowering).

IFS Parts Work and Contemporary Psychoanalysis

• Contemporary Psychoanalysis: Relational approaches to contemporary psychoanalysis have shifted to a more collaborative approach in therapy between the client and the therapist with the understanding that the therapy is co-created between therapist and client.

Integrating IFS Parts Work and Contemporary Psychoanalysis

As I mentioned in my prior article, many psychotherapists who have a contemporary psychoanalytic background, like me, are also trained in IFS Parts Work.

The integration of both approaches is beneficial for clients because they get the benefits of an in-depth, relational therapy, like contemporary psychoanalysis, and an embodied approach, like IFS, to combine the best parts of both approaches.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), IFS and Ego States Parts Work Therapist, Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Other Articles About IFS Parts Work Therapy:

How Does Parts Work Therapy, Like IFS and Ego States Therapy, Help You to Understand Yourself

Understanding the Different Parts of Yourself

Parts Work Therapy Can Be Empowering

How Can IFS Parts Work Therapy Help With Anxiety?

Is an Unconscious Part of Yourself Running Your Life?

Also See My Article About Contemporary Psychotherapy:

Redefining the Traditional View of "Resistance" in Psychotherapy

Reconnecting With Deceased Loved Ones in Your Dreams

Having dreams about deceased loved ones is a common experience for many people (see my article: Common Reactions to the Loss of a Loved One).  

Reconnected With Deceased Loved Ones in Dreams

Some people believe loved ones come to them in dreams to reconnect or to impart an important message.  

Others believe these dreams come from a place deep inside them as a way to remember and mourn their loss.

Whatever you believe, these dreams can be an important part of your healing process as way to come to terms with your loss. 

A Child's Recurring Dreams About a Deceased Father

When I was a child, I had recurring dreams about my father, who died suddenly (see my article: Grief in Waiting After the Death of a Parent).

Reconnecting With Deceased Loves Ones in Dreams

Each dream was slightly different, but there were certain recurring themes. 

One recurring theme was that I would be shocked to see my father appear suddenly in front of me.  I would be happy to see him, but I would also feel confused and I would say to him, "But I thought you were dead..."

In some of the dreams he would tell me he had just gone away and now he was back, and in other dreams he would acknowledge that he was dead. 

Whichever response I received would confuse me: How could he be dead and still be standing in front of me?

Then, at some point, I would tell my father I wanted to let my mother know he was back. But when I turned around, he was gone and I felt the painful loss again.

Many clients tell me how real these dreams feel to them and I know this from my own experience. 

Each person comes to their own understanding of the meaning of their dreams. 

Looking back now, I believe these dreams were a way for my unconscious mind to work through the loss when my conscious mind couldn't make sense of it (see my article: Making the Unconscious Conscious).

In other words, my unconscious mind helped with the healing process. 

Many years later, when I was ready, a skilled psychotherapist helped me with a deeper level of working through the grief (see my article: The Many Layers of Grief).

Dreams About a Deceased Psychotherapist

Over the years I've had dreams about a psychotherapist who was important in my healing process as a young adult.

In some of those dreams, I talked to the therapist about current issues in my life.  

In those dreams it was as if he were still very much alive and I was having a therapy session to talk over a problem. 

I usually wake up feeling a little wistful but also refreshed.

After I wake up, I allow myself to enjoy the experience of the dream without analyzing the meaning--at least not at first.

For me, allowing myself to linger in the experience of this reconnection with someone who was so important to me during my youth is more meaningful (initially) than an analyzing the dream.  There's always time for that later, if I want it.

Conclusion

There are many ways to grieve and work through the loss of a loved one including healing through dreams (see my articles: Writing About Your Mother After Her Death).

Although not all dreams about deceased loved ones are healing, the ones that are can help with the grief and mourning process.

It doesn't matter whether you believe your loved one actually came to you or you believe the dream was your unconscious mind's way of helping you to deal with the loss.  Either belief can help in the healing process.

Recalling, writing down and talking about these dreams with trusted friends and family can help you to cope with loss.

Although dreams can be healing, sometimes grief is too difficult to work through on your own and therapy can help.

Getting Help in Therapy

Time alone doesn't heal all wounds (see my article: Time Doesn't Heal All Wounds).

Grief work in therapy can help you to move through the mourning process at a pace that feels right for you.

Getting Help in Therapy

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a skilled psychotherapist who does grief work with clients.

Working through grief can help you to heal from the pain and live a more fulfilling life.

Also See My Other Articles About Grief:

Coping With Complicated Grief

You Continue to Have a Relationship With Your Parents Even After They Die

Holding Onto Grief as a Way to Stay Emotionally Connected to a Deceased Loved One

Mourning the Death of a Father You Have Never Known

Coping With the Loss of a Pet

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

With over 20 years of experience, I have helped many individuals and couples to heal.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How Trauma Therapy Can Help You Overcome Unresolved Trauma

In a prior article, The Unconscious Mind: The Symptom Contains the Solution, I discussed how mind-body oriented therapies help to access solutions that are already in your unconscious mind.

These mind-body oriented therapies, which are also called known as Experiential Therapy, include: 

• Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing therapy (EMDR) 

• Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy  (AEDP)

• Somatic Experiencing

• Parts Work (Ego States Therapy and Internal Family Systems)

Trauma Therapy For Unresolved Trauma

This is because these mind-body therapies provide a window into the unconscious mind (see my article: The Mind-Body Connection: The Body Offers a Window Into the Unconscious Mind).

Why Do Many People With Unresolved Trauma Have Problems Finding Solutions to Their Problems?

Here are some of the reasons why someone with unresolved trauma might have problems finding solutions to their problems:

• Ambivalence A person can really want to resolve their problems, but they might feel ambivalent. In other words, they have mixed feelings about it. A part of them wants to solve their problems, but another part of them might resist solutions for a variety of reasons, including fear and anxiety (see my article: Making Changes: Overcoming Ambivalence).

• Fear of the Unknown: Someone might have lived with a problem for a long time and they might be fearful what life might be like without their problem. They're accustomed to the problem and they fear the unknown (see my article: Overcoming Your Fear of Change).

• Fear of Uncertainty: Related to fear of the unknown is fear of uncertainty. This is especially true if people have experienced overwhelming uncertainty which was traumatizing in the past. For instance, if they grew up with a lot of uncertainty as children, they might be especially fearful of uncertainty as adults (see my article: Living With Uncertainty).

Unresolved Trauma and Fear of Uncertainty

• Lack of Self Confidence: When someone lacks self confidence, they might doubt their ability to come up with possible solutions to their problems (see my article: Overcoming Feelings of Inadequacy).

• Shame: Many people who have unresolved trauma have a negative belief that they were to blame for their traumatic past. For instance, a person who experienced sexual abuse might have a distorted belief that they were responsible for the abuse. In many cases, their parents or other adults might have told them it was their fault. These distorted negative beliefs can create a lot of shame that has a negative impact on many areas, including problem solving. They might erroneously believe that any problem they have is their own fault, which can be emotionally paralyzing when it comes to decision making (see my article: Overcoming Shame in Therapy).

Trauma Therapy For Unresolved Trauma

• Problems With Emotional Regulation: The thought of making a change, even a change that could resolve their problems, can be anxiety provoking for someone with unresolved trauma. If someone has a problem regulating their emotions, they might have problems coping. This can make them feel stuck (see my article: Developing Skills to Manage Your Emotions).

• Lack of Trust: If someone has experienced trauma, they might not trust solutions that involve relying on other people. This is often because, in the past, they weren't able to rely on people who were supposed to be trustworthy. They might even mistrust themselves to make the right choices.

• Compensatory Aspects to the Problem: There are many examples of compensatory aspects to problems. For instance, a person might want to stop drinking because they know it's bad for their health, their partner is complaining about it, and they're also missing days from  work. But they might also like the way they feel when they drink. Drinking might give them "liquid courage" in social situations. So, on the one hand, they want to quit but, on the other hand, they want to continue to experience how they feel when they drink.

• Perfectionism: People who tend to be perfectionists often find flaws with any solution to their problems. In their effort to find a "perfect solution", no solution seems adequate, so they remain stuck in their problem (see my article: Overcoming Perfectionism).

• Fear of Making a Mistake: Even if someone isn't a perfectionist, they might feel emotionally paralyzed to risk trying a solution to their problems if they are afraid of making a mistake. This type of fear is often learned early childhood either from parents who are themselves fearful of making mistakes and who discourage their children from taking any risks (see my article: Overcoming Your Fear of Making Mistakes).

• Unresolved Trauma and a Negative Bias: People who have unresolved trauma often fear they will be traumatized again so change is hard for them. People with a negative bias anticipate everything that could go wrong with possible solutions. They anticipate the worst and they don't want to experience the overwhelming emotions they experienced when they were traumatized in the past (see my article: Reacting to the Present Based on Your Traumatic Past).

• Unresolved Trauma and the Need For Control: People who have unresolved trauma  often have a need to control outcomes in their life--even things they know they can't control. So, taking risks makes them fearful and uncomfortable (see my article: The Connection Between Unresolved Trauma and the Need For Control).

• Family or Cultural Issues: Someone might feel pressure to remain stuck in their problem because they don't want to go against family, religious or cultural traditions. For instance, if someone is in an unhappy marriage, they might remain in the marriage to appease their family, religion or cultural group.

How to Overcome Problems With Change Related to Trauma

• Practice Self Compassion: Strive to avoid self criticism and have compassion for yourself. Be kind to yourself and acknowledge that change is hard, especially if you have unresolved trauma (see my article: Developing Self Compassion).

• Write in a Journal: Journaling can be a valuable tool to help you deal with your anxiety and fear.  Writing about your anxiety and fear can help you to gain insight and challenge your doubts (see my article: Journaling to Relieve Stress and Anxiety.

• Practice Meditation and Breathing Exercises: Developing a meditation practice can help you to cope with anxiety and fear. Practicing breathing exercises can also help you to calm yourself (see my articles: The Benefits of Meditation and Learning to Relax With Square Breathing).

• Identify Triggers: Being able to identify triggers can help you to temporarily avoid people, places and things that might be too stressful for you to cope with at certain times in your life. It's a temporary solution until you get help in trauma therapy because you can't avoid situations that trigger you indefinitely. But until you get help in therapy, you can give yourself a temporary break while you're under a lot of stress (see my article: Coping With Trauma-Related Triggers).

• Restructure Your Distorted Negative Thoughts: Cognitive restructuring is a useful tool, especially if you have thoughts that tend to run away with themselves. When you restructure your thoughts, you look at your thoughts objectively and challenge the ones that are unrealistic (see my article: 5 Tips For Challenging and Restructuring Distorted Negative Thoughts).

• Reframe Your Distorted Negative Perspective: Reframing your perspective is similar to restructuring your thoughts. Instead of believing the worst possible scenario, learn to look at the same problem from a different angle. You might be able to reframe problems in terms of possible positive outcomes (Developing a Different Perspective Through Reframing).

Get Help in Trauma Therapy: 

A skilled trauma therapist has advanced training in helping clients to overcome unresolved trauma.

Trauma Therapy For Unresolved Trauma

When you're considering a therapist, ask about their training, experience and background with regard to trauma.

An experienced trauma therapist can help you to overcome unresolved trauma that keeps you stuck.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who has advanced training and experience in trauma therapy so you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples. 

As a trauma therapist, I have helped many clients to overcome their trauma (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How Are Therapy Cards Used For Self Reflection and Parts Work?

Therapy cards are used in psychotherapy as a tool for doing Parts Work, explore feelings, learn about yourself and process issues in therapy (see my article: How Parts Work Can Help to Empower You).

Parts Work Therapy Can Be Empowering

How Are Therapy Cards Used For Parts Work and Self Reflection

I have used Inner Active Cards, which were developed by Sharon Sargent Eckstein based on the book, Parts Work by Dr. Tom Holmes counseling psychologist, to help clients while doing Parts Work therapy.

I have found that these cards, as well as other illustrated cards, help clients to understand the various aspects of themselves (also known as parts). 

The cards can help clients with regard to:

• Self Exploration: The cards help clients to learn about their feelings, patterns, triggers and personal strengths

        See my articles: 

• Coping With Triggers

• Discovering Your Personal Strengths in Therapy

• Visual Anchors: The cards provide a visual anchor for clients to connect to the issues they want to work on so they can process these issues in therapy.

• Creative Prompts: The cards can provide a way for clients to connect with the creative aspects of themselves so they can open up to the problem solving and resilient aspects of themselves.

Parts Work Therapy Can Be Empowering

• Conversation Starters: The illustrations on the cards often help clients to connect to their inner world and begin conversations with their therapist.

• Making the Unconscious Conscious: The cards can provide a way for clients to connect with their unconscious mind in a gentle and safe way to provide them with clarity and tune into their inner wisdom (see my article: Making the Unconscious Conscious).

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette is a composite of many different cases with all identifying information removed to protect client confidentiality. 

This vignette illustrates one way in which therapy cards can be helpful.

Bob

When Bob started therapy, he had difficulty accessing and expressing his emotions.

Bob sought help at the suggestion of his girlfriend, Emma. 

Bob and Emma had been together for several months and they were having communication problems. 

During their conversations, Emma realized that Bob was cut off from certain emotions so that he had difficulty expressing his feelings.

Parts Work Can Be Empowering

Bob grew up in a family where his parents didn't feel comfortable with their own emotions, especially emotions they considered "negative" like anger, sadness and shame. 

Due to his parents' discomfort with these emotions, Bob and his siblings learned to suppress their emotions so that, as adults, they were out of touch with their emotions.

After she obtained his family and relationship history, his therapist helped Bob to develop the internal resources to do therapy (see my article: Developing Internal Resources and Coping Skills).

When they both felt he was ready, his therapist helped Bob to identify feelings by identifying emotions in his body (see my article: Why Establishing Emotional Safety is so Important in Therapy).

For instance, Bob realized that when he felt constriction in his throat, he was holding back anger and when he felt a tightness in his stomach, he was feeling anxious (see my article: The Mind-Body Connection: The Body Offers a Window Into the Unconscious Mind).

His therapist explained Parts Work Therapy, also known as Ego States Therapy or IFS (Internal Family Systems), as a way to help him build self compassion, empathy, increase self awareness, reduce anxiety and become more empowered.

His therapist also introduced Bob to the Inner Active cards to facilitate the process by letting him look through the cards to see which ones resonated with him. 

Over time, Bob was able to use the cards and Parts Work to gradually and safely get to feelings that he had suppressed in the past.  This allowed Bob to begin to open up to his internal world and express his emotions more easily with his girlfriend and other people in his life.

Conclusion

Parts Work can be an empowering therapy for clients to heal.

Therapy cards are a tool some therapists use to help clients to heal emotionally.

Clients who usually have problems identifying and expressing their feelings often find the combination of the cards and Parts Work to be healing, especially for unresolved trauma (see my article: Why is Past Unresolved Trauma Affecting You Now?).

Getting Help in Therapy

If you feel stuck or you have problems you have been unable to resolve on your own, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional.

Parts Work Therapy Can Be Empowering

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to overcome obstacles that are keeping you from maximizing your potential.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Therapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

Trauma therapy is one of my specialties (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

I help clients by providing them with a safe therapeutic environment to explore their feelings so they can heal.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Embracing Your Shadow Self

Carl Jung, the Swiss psychoanalyst, popularized the concept of the "shadow self." He believed that everyone has a shadow self that conflicts with an ideal version of how they want to see themselves. 

In this article I'm focusing on identifying the shadow self and the benefits of understanding and integrating those parts instead of trying to suppress them (see my article: What You Resist Persists: The More You Resist What You Don't Like About Yourself the More It Persists).

What is the Shadow Self?

The shadow self consists of the parts of yourself, including thoughts, feelings and behavior, that you find difficult to accept because these parts don't fit with how you think you "should" be.

Embracing Your Shadow Self

The story of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde is an example of how someone, who doesn't embrace his shadow self, experiences a strong internal conflict. 

Dr. Jekyll attempts to split off the parts of himself that he feels are evil. These parts turn into Mr. Hyde. The more he tries to suppress his shadow self, the more powerful it becomes until it becomes all encompassing.

Here is a modern day example:  A woman believes she should always be a loving daughter towards her mean and critical mother. Whenever resentment towards her mother comes into her awareness, she tries to suppress it because it doesn't fit in with how she believes an ideal daughter should feel towards her mother. 

The more she tries to suppress her resentment, the more unhappy and anxious she becomes because it takes increasing effort to suppress these feelings. And, since she can't completely suppress her resentment towards her mother, her anger comes out unexpectedly in ways that make her feel ashamed and guilty afterwards.

Sometimes when her anger towards her mother is strong, she displaces it onto her husband and children. Other times she snaps at coworkers. And, when her mother is especially critical of her, she is shocked by how she eventually loses her temper with her mother.  Then, she feels remorse, shame and guilt, and she redoubles her efforts to suppress her anger, and the cycle continues.

How to Embrace Your Shadow Self

Since everyone has a shadow self and suppressing it only makes you feel worse, learning to embrace your shadow self is important for your mental health and sense of well-being.

Shadow work involves gently bringing these split off and disowned parts of yourself into your awareness (see my article: Making the Unconscious Conscious and Discovering and Giving Voice to Disowned Parts of Yourself).

Embracing Your Shadow Self: Making the Unconscious Conscious

The following suggestions can be helpful to embrace your shadow self:

• Get Curious: Instead of having a negative and judgmental attitude towards disowned parts of yourself, get curious about them. An open curious attitude can help these parts to emerge into your consciousness.

• Meditate: Mindfulness Meditation is a good way to observe your thoughts and feelings in a nonjudgmental way.

• Write in a Journal: Journaling allows you to transfer your thoughts and feelings from your mind onto paper. It helps to concretize the many different parts of yourself so that you can reflect on them. As part of journaling, you can ask yourself:

• What were you taught as a child about the parts of yourself you find difficult to accept now?

• As a child, were you allowed to express these aspects of yourself or were you punished for it?

• If you weren't allowed to express these thoughts and feelings, what did you do with them? 

• Are your current negative thoughts and feelings about yourself and/or a significant relationship in your life?

• What type of people or situations trigger negative feelings in you? Are these feelings related to aspects of yourself that you consider to be unacceptable?

• Get Help From a Therapist Who Does Parts Work: Parts work, like Ego States Therapy, is designed to help you to identify and integrate all the parts of yourself including the ones you find challenging to accept. Ego States Therapy allows you to develop an accepting attitude towards all parts of yourself so that these parts can coexist together. In Ego States Therapy, you learn that the parts of you that you want to disown often have a protective intention but, because they remain split off and unintegrated, they can come up in unhealthy ways. You also learn that by having an internal dialog with those parts, they can serve you in healthy ways (see my article: How Parts Work Helps to Empower You).

Get Help in Therapy

If you're struggling with parts of yourself you find difficult to accept, seek help from a licensed mental health professional.

Parts Work, like Ego States Therapy, can help you to identify and, eventually, accept the parts of yourself with compassion.  

By maintaining an internal dialog with these parts, you learn to develop these parts into healthy aspects of yourself.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a psychotherapist who does Parts Work so you can live a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing, Ego States and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: How You Feel About Yourself Can Affect Whether of Not You're Attracted to Your Partner

In my prior article, Relationships: What is Attraction?, I discussed the conscious and unconscious aspects of attraction as it relates to relationships.

In the current article, I'm focusing on how a partner's intolerable feelings of inadequacy can result in the unconscious projection of negative feelings onto the other partner (see my article: Are You Projecting Your Negative Feelings About Yourself Onto Your Partner?).

Projections often don't occur until after the early stage of a relationship when the relationship becomes more emotionally intimate and the partner, who uses projection, feels more emotionally vulnerable (see my article: Romantic Attractions: What Are the 3 Stages of Limerence?).

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many cases with all identifying information removed, illustrates how an inability to tolerate negative feelings about oneself can lead to the use of projection:

Jack and Carla:

When Jack and Carla first met in college, they were immediately drawn to one another physically, romantically, emotionally and sexually, and they each felt they had never experienced so much love for anyone else.

Projection and Loss of Sexual Attraction in Relationships

They got married a year later with both of them still feeling so in love and lucky to have found each other.  But their problems began a few months after they got married and moved in together.

Although they had a great sex life before they got married, after they got married Jack gradually lost interest in sex and Carla yearned for their former passionate sex life (see my article: What is Sexual Desire Discrepancy in Relationships?).

After six months of no sex, Jack blamed Carla for his lack of sexual desire.  He told her that he no longer felt attracted to her because she wore sweatpants in their apartment, and he thought this made her look unattractive.

At first, Carla thought Jack was joking, but she quickly realized he was serious and she was in a state of disbelief.

She knew she didn't look different from how she looked before they got married, but she acquiesced to his wishes and stopped wearing sweatpants. Instead, she made sure she was dressed in a nice top and slacks when she was at home and she wore sexy lingerie at night to be more attractive to him.  

But Jack told her that he still didn't feel attracted to her and he blamed the cellulite on the back of her legs for making her look unattractive.  

Carla felt deeply hurt. She told him that he had never complained about the cellulite before, but Jack brushed off her comment by saying, "I can't help it. That's how I feel."

After a year of no sex, Carla suggested they see a sex therapist to work out their problems.  Initially Jack didn't want to attend sex therapy, but he eventually agreed to go.  He hoped the sex therapist would see things his way. 

After the initial consultation where she met with Carla and Jack together, the sex therapist met with each of them separately to get their individual family, relationship and sexual histories.

Carla's family history revealed that she came from an intact stable family. She was the middle child of three children.  Her parents had a loving relationship, and Carla felt loved by her parents and siblings. The only notable trauma in the family was when Carla's father's business failed and the family suffered from a financial downturn for several months until the father took a job as a chief financial officer in a large corporation.  

Prior to her relationship with Jack, Carla had one other serious relationship while she was in college with her classmate, Bill.  They were together for two years and they mutually agreed to end their relationship in an amicable manner.

With regard to Carla's sexual history, she had a few casual sexual encounters while she was in college and she had no history of sexual trauma.

Jack's family history was tumultuous. He was an only child, and his parents had separated and gotten back together several times during Jack's childhood due to the father's infidelity.  Both parents were highly critical of Jack and he grew up with a lot of shame. In addition, their financial situation tended to be precarious.  

With regard to his relationships prior to Carla, Jack had been in two short term relationships which started out sexually passionate and fizzled out after a few months.  He told the therapist that he tended to get bored with his girlfriends and lose interest.

During his last year of high school and until he began seeing Carla in college, Jack had many brief casual sexual encounters.  He denied any sexual trauma.

During their sex therapy sessions, Jack spoke about how his attraction for Carla waned soon after they got married.  He believed that if it was possible for her to have a medical procedure to remove the cellulite, he would feel attracted to her again.

Objectively, the sex therapist could see that both Jack and Carla were attractive people and she didn't believe cellulite had anything to do with Jack's lack of sexual interest in Carla.  

The sex therapist suspected that Jack was unconsciously projecting his own feelings of low self worth, which originated in childhood, onto Carla. She was also aware that Jack had no awareness of this because he was doing it unconsciously.

As they discussed sexual attraction, the therapist provided Jack and Carla with psychoeducation about the different types of attraction.

She also had individual sessions with Jack and Carla.  During the individual sessions with Jack, she broached the topic of projection as a defense mechanism.  But Jack was adamant that projection had nothing to do with how he felt toward Carla.

During the next several months Jack threatened to stop attending sex therapy whenever the therapist tried to help him to make a connection between how he was treated as a child and how he was treating Carla.  He refused to see the connection.

Gradually, after a couple of years, Jack developed a more trusting therapeutic relationship with the sex therapist so he could open up more to explore his inner world of longstanding disavowed shame.  

Over time, he was able to look at Carla more objectively and see that she was actually a very attractive and desirable woman and that he was, in fact, projecting his own feelings of inadequacy onto Carla.  

That's when Jack sought help in individual therapy to work on his unresolved trauma and shame. Over time, he learned to contain and work through his feelings without projecting them onto Carla. 

Carla remained patient, and she also sought help in her own individual therapy to deal with Jack's hurtful criticism about her body.  At one point, she talked to her individual therapist about the possibility of ending the marriage, but when she saw Jack making progress, she decided to stay.

Once Jack acknowledged he was projecting his own feelings of inadequacy onto Carla, this allowed the sex therapist to focus on helping the couple to revive their sex life.

Sex Therapy Can Help Couples to Revive Their Sex Life Together

Their sex therapist gave them homework assignments to help them develop greater emotional land sexual intimacy.  

Conclusion

Projection is an unconscious defense mechanism that people who have unresolved childhood trauma often use with their partners.  

The fact that it is unconscious makes it difficult for people to see and acknowledge what they're doing. 

In addition, they often have difficulty trusting the therapist when she points out how they use projection with their partner.

Projection is used as a way of pushing unwanted and disavowed trauma-related feelings onto a partner.

When projections are used, they are often used after the initial limerence phase of the relationship when the couple's emotional and sexual intimacy increases and the partner, who uses projection, feels too emotionally vulnerable in the relationship.

Since vulnerability is essential to developing greater emotional and sexual intimacy in a relationship, the partner who uses projection needs to be willing to develop self awareness, stop using projection, and find other ways to cope and overcome disavowed feelings in order for the relationship to improve (see my article: Emotional Vulnerability as a Pathway to Emotional and Sexual Intimacy).

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Couples stop having sex for varied and complex reasons.

Sex therapy, which is a form of talk therapy, can help (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Individual adults and couples attend sex therapy for a variety of reasons (see my article: What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?).

There is no nudity, physical exams or sex during sex therapy sessions (see my article: What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

If you have unresolved sexual problems, you could benefit from getting help in sex therapy to have a more fulfilling sex life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex-positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.