Survivor guilt in family dynamics usually involves surviving one of the following when other family members have not: - A traumatic incident
- A difficult or traumatic upbringing
- Achieving a better quality of life than other family members
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| Survivor Guilt |
Incidents such as the above often lead the "survivor" to feel a sense of remorse, guilt, worthlessness, undeserving as well as responsible for the fate of other family members who weren't as fortunate.
Survivor guilt is often irrational because these individuals usually weren't at fault for the other family members either not surviving or not doing as well as they did.
Key Aspects of Survival Guilt
- Traumatic Loss: A family member dies or suffers serious consequences and the person who experiences survival guilt did not. This might include:
- A car accident
- A natural disaster
- A medical problem
- Generational Trauma: Prior generations suffered under traumatic circumstances and the person who is from a younger generation, who didn't suffer, feels guilty for surviving or not having it "easier" than the previous generation (see my article: What is Intergenerational Trauma?):
- Family violence
- War
- Poverty and/or oppression
- Systemic violence
- Other atrocities, including the Holocaust and other forms of genocide
- Parental Guilt: A parent can experience survivor guilt that they passed on a gene to their child and the child has medical problems as a result. They can feel guilty even though they had no control over passing on this gene.
- Everyday Situations: If one family member achieves success while other family members are not as fortunate, the one who achieves success can feel guilty that they are fortunate while the others are not.
How Does Survivor Guilt Manifest in Families?
Survival guilt can have a big impact on family relationships including:
- Social Withdrawal: The individual who has been more fortunate might isolate themselves from family activities as a way to avoid dealing with their guilt.
- Overprotectiveness: In order to avoid another loss, the individual who has been more fortunate might become overly protective of the other family members.
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| Survivor Guilt, Shame and Self Blame |
- Shame and Self Blame: These individuals might dwell on how they could have done things differently to help family members--even if, objectively, there was nothing else they could have done (see my article: Self Blame and the Internal Critic).
- Difficulty Feeling Joy: They might believe they don't deserve to experience joy, happiness or success because they feel guilty that they are more fortunate than other family members.
- Atoning Behavior: In order to atone for their good fortune when other family members have suffered, these individuals might be overly giving so they can atone for their good fortune. This is another maladaptive coping strategy.
Clinical Vignettes
The following clinical vignettes are composites of many different cases with all identifying information changed to protect confidentiality:
Alan
When Alan was 15, he and his 13 year old brother, Tom, went surfing at the beach during the off season, even though there were red flags posted warning swimmers to stay out of the water due to rough waves from a fast approaching hurricane. Since it was the off season, there were no lifeguards at the beach, but Alan and Tom had fun surfing under similar circumstances before, so they disregarded the warnings. After a while, Alan took a break to rest on the shore and Tom stayed in the water. After Alan dried himself off, he turned to call Tom to tell him to come out of the water, but Tom was nowhere to be seen. He jumped back into the water to try to find Tom to no avail and he became frantic. When a police car approached, they called a rescue team who found Tom's lifeless body an hour later. Alan was devastated with sadness and guilt. No one in the family blamed him for Tom's death, but as Tom's older brother, Alan felt responsible. His shame and self blame was so great that he became overly protective of his other younger siblings. Later on in life, he felt guilty that he had career success because Tom never had this opportunity. Alan often engaged in self sabotage and self destructive behavior including excessive drinking. One day his doctor warned him about the connection between excessive drinking and his high blood pressure. Then, he providing Alan with a referral for trauma therapy (see my article: How Can Trauma Therapy Help You to Overcome Unresolved Trauma?).
Linda
Even though her grandmother never discussed her experiences during the holocaust, Linda knew her grandmother spent time as a young child in a concentration camp in Poland. By the time Linda was born, her grandmother was doing well financially, but she lived like she was poor. Specifically, the grandmother hoarded food because she feared anything could happen where she might not have enough to eat. In addition, when she ate, the grandmother always ate sparingly and saved scraps of food for another day. As a result both Linda and her mother surmised that, as a child, the grandmother probably had very little to eat in the Treblinka concentration camp and now, as an adult, she was always afraid food would become scarce again. The impact on Linda was that she couldn't enjoy food in her grandmother's presence--even foods she normally enjoyed. Her mother had a similar problem. As time went on, Linda realized she had a problem and she sought help in trauma therapy to prevent her problem from getting worse.
Sara
When she was a child, Sara heard many stories from her father about his family's severe poverty when he waa a child. Her father told her there were many days he and his siblings had nothing to eat. Even though they were hungry, they would tell their parents they weren't because they didn't want their parents to feel bad. Although Sara's parents were doing well financially by the time she was born, she always felt guilty whenever they bought her a gift or new clothes. She felt she didn't deserve to have more than her father had when he was a child. Later on in life when Sara had a successful career, she felt that no matter how much she tried to do for her parents, especially her father, she couldn't do enough. She felt guilty about her financial success and, as a way to assuage her guilt, she bought her parents many gifts--even though they told her they didn't need them. One day her mother took Sara aside during a family gathering and told Sara she understood why she was buying them so many gifts but, she said, no matter how many gifts she bought them, she couldn't undo her father's childhood poverty. She told Sara that both she and the father wanted her to enjoy her life and they could see how guilt was eating away at her. She suggested Sara get help from a licensed mental health professional who did trauma therapy.
How Can Trauma Therapy Help With Survivor Guilt?
Trauma therapy is an umbrella term that include following types of therapy:
- EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing)
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| Survivor Guilt and Trauma Therapy |
- AEDP (Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Therapy)
These therapies were developed specifically to help clients to overcome trauma by:
- Processing the Trauma: To work through the trauma in a safe and structured way
- Developing Self Compassion: Helping clients to give themselves compassion to heal
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| Survivor Guilt and Self Compassion |
- Challenging Negative Beliefs: To identity and challenge negative beliefs
- Developing Genuinely Positive Beliefs: Beliefs that are sincere and realistic about themselves and others
- Grieving Losses: Grieving what has been lost is essential to healing from trauma (see my article: The Many Layers of Grief).
- Finding a New Purpose: Honoring their losses and channeling their guilt into meaningful behavior like volunteering
Getting Help in Trauma Therapy
If you are struggling with unresolved problems, you're not alone. Help is available.
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| Getting Help in Trauma Therapy |
Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who is trained as a trauma therapist.
Overcoming unresolved trauma can help you to live a more meaningful life.
About Me
I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing, Parts Work Therapist (IFS and Ego States Therapy) and Certified Sex Therapist.
As a trauma therapist, I have helped many individual adults and couples to heal.
To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.
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