Relationships: How Toxic Shame Makes Communication Challenging

Toxic shame can make communication very challenging in a relationship, so I'm exploring this issue and providing tips on how you can deal with this toxic shame.

What is Toxic Shame?

Before we delve into communication issues, let's start by defining toxic shame.

Toxic Shame in Relationships

Toxic shame is different from healthy shame.

Whereas healthy shame is usually a passing, situational emotion, toxic shame is a chronic, deep-seated belief of being unworthy, unlovable, flawed or bad (see my article: What is the Difference Between Healthy Shame and Toxic Shame?).

• Internalization: Toxic shame is an internalized experience--usually internalized during childhood. It affects your identity ("I am bad" or "I am unlovable" or "I am stupid"). Healthy shame isn't about your identity--it's about your behavior ("I did something bad" or "I said something wrong").

• Duration: Toxic shame is chronic and pervasive and healthy shame is temporary and dissipates after a while.

• Purpose: While healthy shame motivates positive change, moral development and repairing relationships, toxic shame causes "emotional paralysis", defensiveness, self sabotage and social withdrawal.

• Origin: Toxic shame usually develops in childhood due to abuse, emotional neglect, severe criticism or other types of trauma. Toxic shame creates a belief that love must be "earned" (e.g., good grades in school and in other performative ways).

• Impact: Toxic shame often leads to perfectionism in an attempt to hide "the broken self", people-pleasing or severe anxiety (see my article: Overcoming Perfectionism).

How Does Toxic Shame Create Communication Problems?

Toxic shame creates deep insecurity which makes it challenging to communicate.

Here are the main communication issues related to toxic shame:

• Defensiveness: Toxic shame makes individuals highly sensitive to perceived criticism. This can create a situation where even neutral comments can be heard as personal insults, which leads to defensiveness.

Toxic Shame in Relationships

• Distorted Perception: Toxic shame acts like a filter. This can make it difficult for individuals to accept love or believe they are worthy, which causes them to misunderstand or ignore their partner's positive expressions of affection.

• Emotional Withdrawing and Stonewalling: Toxic shame causes individuals to protect themselves from vulnerability by shutting down, withdrawing emotionally and/or physically, which can cause the other partner to feel lonely and abandoned (see my article: Are You a Stonewaller?).

• Anger and Aggression: Toxic shame can manifest as anger or aggression where one partner responds to vulnerability or conflict by lashing out, blaming or engaging in contemptuous behavior to deflect from feelings of inadequacy.

Toxic Shame and Perfectionism

• Perfectionism and Masking: An intense feeling of being "found out" as being inadequate can lead to hiding true feelings, maintaining a "perfect" facade and avoiding honest and open conversations about fears and insecurities.

How to Communicate With a Partner Who Has Toxic Shame

Julie Menanno, LMFT, an Emotionally Focused Therapist for couples discusses communication problems in her book, Secure Love.

As Ms. Menanno indicates, communicating with a partner who has toxic shame requires a "safe space" (see my article: Creating a Safe Haven For Each Other).

Here are some suggestions that can be helpful if you have a partner who experiences toxic shame:

• Validate Before Solving: Listen to your partner's emotional experience first without immediately jumping into a problem solving mode. Recognize that your partner might be acting out of toxic shame and pressure, so try not to take their words personally (see my article: What is Validation and Why Is It Such a Powerful Relationship Skill?).

• Use "I" Statements: Use "I" statements to express your feelings to avoid putting your partner on the defensive. An example would be: "I feel lonely when we don't talk for a few days" instead of "You always ignore me".

Teamwork in a Relationship

• Work Together on the Problem as a Team: Instead of attacking your partner, attack the problem together. Instead of saying "You did this wrong", say "I know this is a tough situation for both of us." Approach the problem in the spirit of teamwork to deal with it.

• Provide Reassurance: Since toxic shame can make your partner feel unworthy, remind your partner of your love and commitment.  

• Create Safe Openings: If your partner shuts down, create a safe opening by saying, "I notice you're distant. I care about you and I want to understand."

• Avoid "Why" Questions: Why questions like "Why did you do that?" can sound accusatory and trigger defensive reactions.

• Take Breaks: If the conversation gets too heated, take a short break and come back to it when you're both calmer (see my article: Breaking the Negative Cycle in Your Relationship).

• Prioritize Your Own Safety: If your partner is causing you harm, it's important to prioritize your own safety. Don't isolate. Talk to trusted loved ones and get support.

Getting Help in EFT Couples Therapy

If you and your partner have been unable to resolve problems between you, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who is an EFT couples therapist (see my article: What is Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples?.)

Getting Help in EFT Couples Therapy

Rather than struggling on your own, seek professional help so you can have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Emotionally Focused Therapist (EFT) for Couples, Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have over 25 years of experience helping individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

 

How to Avoid Making the Same Mistakes From One Relationship to the Next

Years ago a friend said to me, "I just don't have any luck in relationships." 

How to Avoid Making the Same Mistakes in Relationships

At that point, I knew he wasn't ready to hear that "luck" had nothing to do with his ongoing relationship problems. 

Once he had taken the time to heal from his last breakup, he was able to see how he was unconsciously recreating the same problems from one relationship to the next with the same result--heartbreak (see my article: How to Stop Bringing Old Wounds Into a New Relationship).

What Are Relationship Patterns?

A relationship pattern is when you repeat the same behaviors repeatedly in old and new relationships so that you keep creating the same negative cycle.

How to Avoid Making the Same Mistakes in Relationships

No one wants to hear that they are unconsciously bringing the same problems into all their relationships. It takes a genuine sense of curiosity and an openness to become more self aware to hear how you might be creating problems for yourself (see my article: What is Self Reflective Awareness and Why Is It Important to You?).

What Are Some of These Unhealthy Patterns?

Some of the unhealthy patterns include (but are not limited to):

• Choosing partners with the same or similar problems (e.g., problems with alcohol/drugs, abusive behavior and so on)

• Being unwilling to communicate when challenging issues arise (see my article: Are You a Stonewaller?)

• Being unwilling to see how you contribute to the negative cycle in your relationship

• Being too dependent on your partner (see my article: What is the Difference Between Codependency and Interdependency?)

• Being unwilling to compromise or change your behavior which contributes to the negative cycle in your relationship

How to Avoid Making the Same Mistakes in Relationships

• Expecting to have all your needs fulfilled by your partner (see my article: Your Partner Can't Fulfill All Your Needs)

• Behaving like a parent to your partner (see my article: Behaving Like a Parent to Your Partner Could Be Ruining Your Relationship)

• Acting like a roommate to your partner (see my article: Have You and Your Partner Stopped Having Sex?)

• Controlling or passive aggressive behavior (see my article: Controlling Behavior)

• Keeping score (see my article: Stop Keeping Score in Your Relationship)

Why Do People Repeat the Same Negative Relationship Patterns?

Sigmund Freud developed the original concept of repetition compulsion which is a tendency to unconsciously reenact past unresolved trauma in an attempt to try to gain mastery over them.

Relationship repetition syndrome is the modern psychological application of Freud's repetition compulsion where individuals recreate painful and traumatic attachment patterns in adult relationships (see my article: What is Traumatic Reenactment?).

Key Factors of Relationship Repetition Syndrome

• Lack of Awareness and Self Reflection: If you get involved in a new relationship too quickly, you're not taking the time to understand what went wrong in the last relationship and your contribution to it.

• Ignoring Red Flags: Related to lack of awareness and self reflection, when you ignore or minimize red flags with new partners, you're more likely to repeat the same problems (see my article: Are You Ignoring Red Flags?).

• An Unconscious Drive to Repeat the Same Patterns: There is an unconscious compulsion to recreate familiar painful dynamics. 

• Being Drawn to What is Familiar: You're drawn to what is familiar, even if it's painful, because the brain interprets familiarity with being "normal".

• Unresolved Trauma: These patterns often stem from early childhood trauma or past traumatic relationships that haven't been fully processed or resolved (see my article: When Past Trauma Affects You in the Present).

• The Desire For Mastery: According to Freud, repetition compulsion is an unconscious attempt to change the end of past trauma, especially early childhood trauma. Similarly, when you might reenact conflicts each partner hoping to "fix" your partner to achieve a different outcome than the original childhood trauma.

Examples of Relationship Repetition Syndrome:

• Recreating Traumatic Childhood Dynamics: If you had emotionally unable parents, you might unconsciously choose emotionally unavailable partners (see my article: Recreating Past Trauma in the Present).

• Reenacting Abuse or Neglect: If you grew up with abuse or neglect as a child, you might unconsciously choose partners who will be abusive or emotionally neglectful (see my article: Healing Childhood Trauma: What is the Differnce Between Abuse and Neglect?).

• Self Sabotage: Unconsciously engaging in behaviors that destroy an otherwise functional relationship in an attempt to reenact a familiar and dysfunctional family history (see my article: Overcoming Self Sabotaging Behavior).

How To Stop Repeating the Same Mistakes From One Relationship to the Next

• Avoid Getting Involved in a New Relationship Too Quickly: Instead of jumping into a new relationship, take time to reflect on the patterns you bring to a potential new relationship. Analyze your patterns. Reflect on the recurring negative patterns from your family of origin or past relationships.

• Work on Changing Small Patterns: Instead of trying to change everything at once, focus on changing one behavior pattern at a time.

• Get Help in Trauma Therapy: If you keep recreating the traumatic past in your relationships, you could benefit from working with a trauma therapist to resolve your past trauma so you don't keep repeating it in your relationships. Trauma therapy includes therapy that was specifically developed to help clients to overcome trauma including EMDR, IFS, AEDP and Somatic Experiencing. Once you have freed yourself from your traumatic past, you will be free to have more fulfilling relationships (see my article: How Trauma Therapy Can Help You to Overcome Unresolved Trauma).

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have over 25 years of experience as a trauma therapist helping individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How Does Shame Impact Relationships?

Shame can lead to destructive behavior in relationships (see my article: Self Acceptance as the Antidote to Shame).

How Shame Impacts Relationships

Shame often causes partners to present a false self in their relationship (see my article: Becoming Your True Self).

How Does Shame Impact Relationships?

Shame often shows up as unconscious self protective behavior driven by fear of being seen as flawed or unlovable.

Here are some of the ways shame impacts relationships:

• Emotional Withdrawal and Distancing: A partner might shut down emotionally or physically, go silent, pull away to hide feelings of inadequacy which creates barriers to intimacy.

• Anger and Aggression: To avoid feeling emotionally vulnerable, a partner might externalize shame by becoming angry, contemptuous, critical or abusive (see my article: Communication Problems: The Horsemen of the Apocalypse).

How Shame Impacts Couples

• Perfectionism and People Pleasing: A partner might try to earn love by trying to be "perfect", which causes them to abandon their own emotional needs in order to please their partner and avoid rejection (see my articles: People Pleasing and What is Self Abandonment?).

• Self Sabotage: Shame can make a partner believe they are unworthy of love which can cause them to create conflict or push their partner away (see my article: Overcoming Self Sabotaging Behavior).

• Defensiveness: Shame can make a partner defensive, blame their partner or refuse to take responsibility for their actions (see my article: How to Change Defensive Behavior).

• Physical Signs: Shame can be expressed through body language such as tension, hunched posture, blushing or refusing to make eye contact.

• Controlling Behavior: A partner can behave in a domineering way to hide their feelings of inadequacy (see my article: Controlling Behavior).

How to Overcome a Negative Cycle of Shame in a Relationship

Here are some of the essential strategies for overcoming shame in a relationship:

• Vulnerability and Open Communication:  Vulnerability and open communication are essential parts of any healthy relationship (see my article: Emotional Vulnerability as a Pathway to Emotional Intimacy).

Overcoming the Negative Cycle

• Identify Triggers: Identifying each partner's triggers will help each person to be aware and try to avoid triggering and retriggering each other. Being aware of triggers can also help partners to identify and prevent the negative cycle in their relationship.

• Practice Compassion: Compassion, including self compassion, can help you to feel empathy for yourself and your partner.

• Own Your Mistakes: When you own your mistakes, instead of becoming defensive, you and your partner are more likely to be able to repair ruptures without creating long lasting resentment (see my article: Having the Courage to Admit to Your Mistakes).

• Build an Emotionally Safe Environment: Create an emotionally safe environment in your relationship (see my article: How to Create Emotional Safety in Your Relationship).

Create Emotional Safety in Your Relationship

• Replace Shame With Connection: Share your vulnerable feelings with your partner. Instead of being judgmental with your partner, become curious. Create a relationship where you both feel seen, heard and valued. Aside from communicating verbally, rebuild closeness through shared activities like physical touch, hobbies or going for a walk.

Seek Help in EFT Couples Therapy

• Seek Professional Help: If you and your partner feel stuck, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who is an Emotionally Focused couples therapist (EFT). An EFT therapist can help you to overcome the negative cycle in your relationship that keeps you from having a fulfilling relationship (see my article: What is Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples?).

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS/Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have over 25 years of experience working with individual adults and couples.

To learn more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Getting Your Emotional Needs Met in Your Relationship

In Julie Mennano's book, Secure Love, she discusses how couples attempt to get their attachment needs met based on their attachment styles.

Getting Your Attachment Needs Met

How Are Attachment Styles Formed?

Attachment styles are formed primarily during infancy and early childhood. 

Attachment styles develop based on the responsiveness, consistency and emotional availability of the child's caretakers.

These early interactions form an internal working model or "blueprint" for how individuals perceive, expect and act in relationships, including adult romantic relationships (see my article: How Early Attachment Bonds Affect Adult Relationships).

What Are Attachment Needs?

Attachment needs are basic human needs for safety, security and connection.

As adults, these attachment needs are primarily met in romantic relationships--although they can also be met through other relationships like close friendships.

Core attachment needs include:

• Safety and security: A predictable, reliable environment
• Soothing (regulation): Comfort and support
• Validation and attunement: Feeling seen, heard, understood and worthy to their partner
• Connection and belonging: A need for closeness and acceptance which reduces loneliness
• Structure and boundaries: Clear rules and limits that provide a structure for safety

Within the attachment styles, there are three insecure attachment styles and one secure attachment styles.

About 50% of people have a secure attachment style and 50% have an insecure attachment style.

The insecure attachment styles include:

• Anxious attachment
• Avoidant attachment
• Disorganized attachment

Although couples can be any combination, most couples with insecure attachment are usually made up of one person with an anxious attachment style and one person with an avoidant attachment style.

Anxious Attachment Style

People with an anxious attachment style try to get their attachment needs met through protest behavior and other similar behaviors which are driven by a deep fear of abandonment.

Anxious Attachment Style

Although their desire is to get their partner's attention and re-establish connection, their efforts often have the opposite effect on their partner.

Common behaviors include:

• Protest behavior: Engaging in actions which are meant to get their partner's attention and try to re-establish connection including threatening to leave, sending many texts, leaving many phone messages, trying to make their partner jealous.

• Hypervigilance: Monitoring their partner's behavior in a state of hypervigilance for lack of attention or signs of emotional withdrawal which they interpret as threats to the relationship.

• Overcompensation and clinging: Becoming clingy as a way to ensure their partner stays. This often results in their neglecting their own needs in the process (see my article:What is Self Abandonment?).

• Emotional volatility and conflict: Using intense emotional outbursts, lashing out and or criticism to force engagement.

• Guilt-tripping: Using passive aggressive tactics to get affection from their partner.

Avoidant Attachment Style

People with an avoidant attachment style try to get their attachment needs met by creating physical and emotional distance to avoid feeling overwhelmed. 

Avoidant Attachment Style

Their challenge is they often find it difficult to articulate their need for space without seeming distant or rejecting of their partner.  

Common behaviors include:

• Need for silence and space: Taking time alone especially after arguments or stressful situations so they can process their emotions (see my article: Compromising About Time Together and Time Apart).

• Preferring "parallel" connection: They might feel more comfortable being in the same room with their partner while they watch TV silently or doing separate activities rather than engaging in direct emotional connection.

• Enforcing boundaries: They require significant personal space to regulate themselves emotionally, pulling away when they feel smothered or during conflict as a way to regain a sense of safety.

Disorganized Attachment Style

People with disorganized attachment style try to get their attachment needs met through a  tumultuous "push-pull" dynamic where they shift from demands for closeness to sudden fearful withdrawal.

Their challenge is they desire closeness but they also fear it, which leads to chaotic and unpredictable behavior in their partner's eyes. At times, they might preemptively reject their partner to avoid feeling abandoned (see my article: An Emotional Dilemma: Wanting and Dreading Love).

Common behaviors include:

• Push/anxious behavior: When they fear they will be abandoned, they can become clingy, demanding or highly dependent as a way to get reassurance from their partner.

• Pull/avoidant behavior: When they feel emotionally vulnerable, they can become abruptly cold, distant or erratic to regain their sense of safety and independence.

• Conflicting communication: They might give mixed messages, wanting affection but acting cold and rejecting.

• Self-sabotage: When they believe they might get hurt by their partner, they might unconsciously create conflict or break up with a partner to feel like they are in control of the rejection (see my article: Overcoming Self Sabotaging Behavior).

• Problems regulating emotions: They can struggle to express their needs. They often react to past unresolved trauma rather than what is happening in the present which makes it difficult for them to communicate their needs and for their partner to understand their needs (see my article: Emotional Regulation).

Problems For Couples With Anxious and Avoidant Attachment

Couples with insecure attachment often struggle with intense emotional instability, poor communication and trust issues.

Anxious and Insecure Attachment

Common problems for couples with an anxious and an avoidant attachment can be intense codependency as opposed to interdependency (see my article: What is the Difference Between Codependency and Interdependency?).

The anxious partner's demands for closeness can trigger the avoidant partner's need to withdraw which, in turn, reinforces the anxious partner's anxiety so they get caught in a negative cycle (see my article: Breaking the Negative Cycle in Your Relationship).

What is Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples?

Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) helps each individual to understand their own attachment style and how they create a negative cycle together (see my article: What is Emotionally Focused Therapy for Couples?).

EFT also helps couples to learn that neither of them is the "enemy". Instead, the "enemy" is the negative cycle which they must learn to break together as a team.

Getting Help in Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy

If you and your partner are stuck in a negative cycle, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who is an EFT couples therapist.

Getting Help in EFT Couples Therapy

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from an experienced EFT couples therapist so you can have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have over 25 years of experiencing helping individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: How to Respond in a Supportive Way to Your Partner's Emotional Vulnerability

Many people in relationships don't know how to respond to their partner's emotional vulnerability. This is significant because vulnerability is a pathway to emotional and sexual intimacy.

Responding to Your Partner's Emotional Vulnerability

Why Do People Have Problems Responding to Their Partner's Emotional Vulnerability?

People who have problems responding in a supportive way to their partner's vulnerability might have some or all of the following problems:

• Deep-seated Fears of Their Own Vulnerability: A partner's emotional vulnerability can trigger underlying fears, insecurities and painful memories. Instead of being supportive, these individuals might react to their partner's vulnerability with indifferences, scorn, criticism, disgust or indifference in order to protect themselves from their own feelings of vulnerability.

• An Insecure Attachment Style: A person's attachment style, which is formed in early childhood, can influence their ability to respond in a supportive way (see my article: How Your Attachment Style Affects Your Relationship):

• Avoidant Partners: These partners might pull away from a partner showing vulnerability. They might also feel overwhelmed when their partner expresses deep emotions because they equate intimacy with a loss of independence.

• Anxious Partners: These partners might focus on their own fear of abandonment which makes it difficult for them to respond empathetically to their partner's vulnerability.

• Negative Patterns of Behavior Learned From Past Experiences: Past experiences include early childhood. For instance, if someone was told by their parent that they were "acting like a baby" when they cry, when they become adults, they are more likely to react negatively to their partner's vulnerability. 

Responding to Your Partner's Emotional Vulnerability

• Fear of Intimacy: Even though a partner might crave closeness, their fear of intimacy can cause them to resist getting close to their partner. They might equate vulnerability with "weakness", risk of emotional pain or risk of future betrayal (see my article: The Connection Between Fear of Intimacy and Unresolved Trauma).

• Unresolved Trauma: Partners who have unresolved trauma, including childhood abuse or neglect, can find it difficult to let their guard down to be supportive of their partner.

• Low Self Esteem: A partner who has low self esteem might not feel worthy of their partner's affection. They might interpret their partner's vulnerability as criticism or a setup for an eventual rejection.

• Lack of Emotional Intelligence: A person who lacks emotional intelligence often lacks self awareness so that they might not recognize or understand their own feelings. If they don't recognize their own feelings, they probably won't understand or empathize with their partner's feelings (see my article: Why is Emotional Intelligence (EQ) Important in Your Relationship?).

What Are the Negative Dynamics in a Relationship When a Partner Can't Deal With Emotional Vulnerability?

When an individual has problems dealing with their partner's emotional vulnerability, this can set up a negative cycle where vulnerability is punished: 

• Past Punishment of Vulnerability: When a partner's past experiences of showing vulnerability were met with indifference, hostility or criticism, they might become hesitant to open up emotionally again. This often creates a negative cycle of emotional disconnection.

Responding to Your Partner's Emotional Vulnerability

• Ineffective Communication Patterns: Many couples lack the necessary communication skills and tools to communicate effectively.  For example, if one partner says to the other, "I'm afraid you don't love me anymore", the second partner might become defensive and angry and respond, "Well, it's your own fault. You're always too tired to go out and have fun."

• Defensive Reactions: When a partner shows vulnerability, instead of being supportive, the partner who fears vulnerability might react defensively:

• Stonewalling: Shutting down or withdrawing completely

• Contempt: Responding with sarcasm, mockery or insults

• Defensiveness: Making excuses or blaming their partner

• Attempts For Connection Are Missed: A vulnerable statement is an attempt to re-establish connection and intimacy. When a partner responds negatively to this attempt, it can create emotional distance between the partners.

What Are the Consequences of Negative Responses to a Partner's Vulnerability?

• Erosion of Trust: When a partner realizes that their expressions of emotional vulnerability are met with a negative response, they learn that it's not safe to be open with their partner.

Responding to Your Partner's Vulnerability

• Increased Conflict: When underlying issues remain unresolved, this can lead to more intense conflicts in the relationship.

• Decreased Intimacy: Negative responses to vulnerability often leads to a decrease in emotional and sexual intimacy which creates distance and loneliness.

• Heightened Emotional and Physical Stress: Chronic negative communication patterns raise stress levels which can impact on mental and physical health.

How Can You Break the Negative Cycle?

Breaking the negative cycle is an important strategy for improving a relationship (see my article: Breaking the Negative Cycle in Your Relationship).

The following strategies might be helpful to break a negative cycle in your relationship?

• Take a Break: If you or your partner feel overwhelmed, you can take a break to calm down and collect your thoughts. Before taking a break, have an agreement as to when you will get back together to talk again so that taking a break doesn't become an excuse for avoiding the conversation. Also, if you or your partner have an anxious attachment style, knowing when you will get back together to talk can help to soothe anxiety and fears of abandonment.

• Identify Your Triggers: Develop an awareness as to what your partner says that triggers your fears or defensiveness. Understanding your triggers is the first step. in learning to. manage your emotions (see my article: Becoming Aware of Your Triggers).

• Practice Empathy and Validation: Instead of being critical or getting defensive, try to understand your partner's feelings. You don't have to agree with your partner. You can respond by validating your partner's feelings and saying, "That sounds hard" or "I can hear how much that hurts you" (see my article: How to Develop and Use Validation Skills in Your Relationship).

Responding to Your Partner's Vulnerability

• Use "I" Statements: Instead of blaming your partner, frame your feelings in a nonjudgmental and non-defensive way. For instance, instead of saying "You make me worried when..." say "I feel worried when..."

Get Help in Couples Therapy

• Seek Professional Help: A skilled couples therapist can help you and your partner to identify the negative cycles you get into together and also help you to develop better communication and relationship skills.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many people to overcome obstacles to having a fulfilling relationship.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: Overcoming a Pattern of Emotional Shutdown

There are couples who come to couples therapy where one or both people really believe they don't have emotions.  However, research indicates that all human beings have emotions including happiness, sadness, fear, disgust and surprise regardless of culture (see my article: Are You Able to Express Your Emotions to Your Partner?).

Emotional Shutdown in a Relationship

These emotions are biologically driven and linked to distinct facial expressions, so the capacity for emotions is a shared human experience (see my article: What Are the Benefits of Experiencing Your Emotions?).

What is Alexithymia?

It's estimated that anywhere from 5-15% of people have alexithymia, which is a condition where people have difficulty identifying, processing and expressing emotions.  The exact cause of alexithymia is unknown as of this writing. Psychotherapy with a therapist who is trained to treat alexithymia combined with medication is usually the recommended course of treatment.

What's Really Happening For the Other 85-95% of People in Relationships Who Believe They Don't Have Emotions?

What about the other 85-95% of people who don't have alexithymia who say they don't have emotions?

In most other cases, people who believe they don't experience emotions have one of the following problems:

• Emotional Unavailability: People who have experienced traumatic conditions can experience difficulty connecting with and expressing emotions. They might believe they don't have emotions but, in reality, they don't realize their difficulty.

• Emotional Repression: People who repress their emotions, either consciously or unconsciously, suppress their emotions, especially after traumatic incidents.

Emotional Shutdown in a Relationship

• Trauma Response: People who experienced a traumatic event can shut down their emotions as a maladaptive coping mechanism or defense mechanism.

• Learned Behavior: If individuals grew up in a family where they were discouraged from expressing emotions, they often don't learn to identify and express their emotions. This is especially true if a healthy expression of emotions wasn't modeled for them in their family. This learned behavior can be related to the three conditions mentioned above (emotional unavailability, emotional repression and trauma response).

What Are the Underlying Reasons When People Shut Down Their Emotions?

People who shut down their emotions often do so for one or more of the following reasons:

• Fear getting overwhelmed

• Fear of feeling helpless

• Feeling ashamed

• Fear of being rejected

• Fear of being abandoned
  

What is the Impact on a Relationship When One or Both People Suppress Their Emotions?

Shutting down emotions, whether it's done consciously or unconsciously, becomes an obstacle in the relationship:

• Communication breaks down (see my article: Improving Communication in Your Relationship)

• Loss of trust

Emotional Shutdown in a Relationship

• Loneliness, isolation and feelings of neglect for the non-withdrawing partner (see my article: Feeling Lonely in a Relationship)

• Resentment grows

• A decrease in emotional and sexual intimacy (see my article: Have You and Your Partner Stopped Having Sex?)

Emotional Shutdown in a Relationship

• A negative cycle of withdrawal and feelings of neglect and loneliness for the non-withdrawing partner, which perpetuates the emotional disconnection between the partners. Over time, it becomes increasingly difficult to resolve conflicts.

Clinical Vignette: Overcoming the Negative Cycle of Ongoing Emotional Shutdown

The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many different cases with all identifying information removed, illustrates how this negative cycle develops and how couples therapy can help:

Sandy and Eric

When Sandy and Eric sought help in couples therapy, they were almost ready to file for divorce.

Emotional Shutdown in a Relationship

At the time, they were together for seven years and married for five. Sandy was the one who suggested they try couples therapy before they split up. 

Sandy told the couples therapist she felt alone in her relationship because Eric wasn't able to express his emotions. As a result, she said, problems that came up weren't resolved because they weren't able to talk about them.

When it was clear to the couples therapist that Eric wasn't alexithymic and he was able to feel and express his emotions in other areas of his life, she asked Eric to become curious about his problems with expressing emotions.

Eric spoke about his family history and how his father often told him when he was growing up that boys who cried were "sissies". 

He told Eric that boys and men should control their emotions and shouldn't allow themselves to feel highs and lows. Instead, according to his father, Eric should focus on being logical and avoid displays of emotions (see my article: Why Family History is Important in Therapy).

Although as an adult, he understood that his father had his own problems with emotions and that he gave him bad advice, Eric didn't know how what he was feeling most of the time so it was hard to talk to Sandy, especially when they were having a disagreement. So, not knowing what else to do, he would withdraw emotionally and sometimes physically as well.

Hearing Eric talking about his difficult childhood, Sandy felt a deep sense of compassion for him and she reached out to hold his hand. When Eric felt the touch of Sandy's hand, his eyes welled up with tears, "I didn't realize until now that I've been so lonely and I've missed being touched by Sandy. I don't want to lose you, Sandy."

Their couples therapist worked with them to help Sandy to be patient and to help Eric to use the mind-body connection to identify and express his emotions. Over time, he learned that when he felt tightness in his throat, he felt sad and when he felt his stomach tighten, he felt fear. 

Gradually, Eric learned to use bodily awareness to identify and express emotions to Sandy and Sandy's empathy helped her to meet Eric halfway. 

As Eric allowed himself to be emotionally vulnerable with Sandy, they developed increased emotional intimacy with each other. As emotional intimacy developed, they gradually found their way back to sexual intimacy (see my article: Learning to Embrace Your Emotional Vulnerability).

EFT Couples Therapy Can Help

Their progress in couples therapy wasn't linear (see my article: Progress in Therapy Isn't Linear).

They still experienced problems with communication from time to time when Eric had difficulty being emotionally vulnerable, but they were able to discuss these difficulties and work out the problem.

Conclusion

There can be many reasons why people believe they don't experience emotions, as discussed above but, as mentioned earlier, most human beings are wired for experiencing and expressing emotions.

When emotional shutdown occurs in a relationship, it poses significant stress on the relationship and, over time, can lead to a breakup.

Couples who attend Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFT) can develop the skills to overcome these difficulties if both people are motivated.

Getting Help in EFT Couples Therapy

Dealing with relationship problems in couples therapy is easier when couples seek help sooner rather than later because patterns aren't ingrained yet.

Getting Help in EFT Couples Therapy

If you and your partner are stuck in a negative cycle, rather than struggling on your own, you could benefit from working with an EFT couples therapist so you can have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

Are You a Stonewaller?

How Suppressing Your Emotions Can Lead to Medical and Psychological Problems

How to Manage Your Emotions Without Suppressing Them