How is Fear of Abandonment Related to Insecure Attachment Styles

I have discussed fear of abandonment in prior articles:

• How to Overcome Fear of Abandonment

• Overcoming Fear of Abandonment in Trauma Therapy 

• Self Abandonment - Part 1

• Self Abandonment - Part 2

The Connection Between Fear of Abandonment and Attachment Styles

In the current article, I'm discussing the connection between fear of abandonment and insecure attachment styles (see my article: What is Your Attachment Style?).

Fear of Abandonment

Abandonment Issues and An Anxious Attachment Style

Someone with abandonment issues and an anxious attachment style can have some or all of the following characteristics:

• A need for constant communication. A text, email or a call which is not answered quickly can trigger anxiety and fear of abandonment

• A need for physical contact whenever possible

• A discomfort with being alone

Fear of Abandonment and Anxious Attachment Style

• A tendency to be clingy in relationships

• A need for constant reassurance and validation due to fear of rejection

• A need to engage in people pleasing and fawning due to a conscious or unconscious fear of being left

• Jealousy of a partner's friends and/or family members due to fear the partner will choose to prioritize them

• Retroactive jealousy for a partner's past partners--even though those prior partners are no longer around.

Abandonment Issues and An Avoidant Attachment Style

Someone with abandonment issues and an avoidant attachment style can have some or all of the following characteristics:

• A need to be excessively self reliant to the point of not wanting to be reliant even in a healthy way with their partner due to a history of not being able to rely on caretakers as a child (see my article: What is the Difference Between Codependency and Interdependency?

• Difficulty asking for help due to fears of being rejected or disappointed by others

Fear of Abandonment and Avoidant Attachment Style

• Difficulty feeling or expressing emotions

• Using distraction or deflection when difficult emotions come up instead of communicating about these emotions directly

• A deep-seated mistrust of others due to not having reliable caregivers

• An avoidance of making a commitment in a relationship due to fear of being left

• A need to push others away with criticism, contempt, defensiveness or stonewalling (see my article: Avoiding the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse).

• A sudden change in mood when feelings of being ignored, rejected or invalidated come up

Abandonment Issues and a Disorganized Attachment Style

Someone with abandonment issues and an disorganized attachment style can have some or all of the following characteristics:

• A discomfort with emotional and/or sexual intimacy due to fear of being vulnerable, rejected or left

• Alternating between an intense desire for connection and not wanting connection out of fear of being left or not trusting

Fear of Abandonment and Disorganized Attachment Style

• Keeping loved ones and others at arms length with self sabotaging behavior 

• Sudden changes in mood due to feelings of being rejected, ignored or abandoned

Self Care for Abandonment Issues

The following self care suggestions might be helpful:

• Be aware of your past trauma and how it is affecting you now (see my article: Unresolved Trauma Can Affect Your Adult Relationships)

• Communicate your emotional needs to your partner. Don't expect your partner to know what your needs are without telling them.

Fear of Abandonment and Self Care: Communicate Your Needs

• Practice mindfulness

• Learn emotional negulation so you can calm yourself when you're feeling rejected, ignored, invalidated or abandoned.

• Learn to challenge your distorted beliefs about yourself and others

Get Help in Trauma Therapy
Regardless of your attachment style, abandonment issues can be challenging.

Get Help in Trauma Therapy

A skilled trauma therapist can help you to work through your past trauma so you can approach close relationships without your history of trauma having a negative impact on these relationships.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who has advanced skills and experience in trauma therapy so you can lead a more meaningful life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have over 20 years of experiencing individual adults and couples (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How Deep Rooted Insecurity Can Affect Your Ability to Initiate Intimacy in Your Relationship

Deep rooted insecurity can create sexual problems, including problems with sexual initiation.  See my articles: 

How Your Attachment Style Can Affect Your Relationship

What is Your Sexual Initiation Style?

Insecurity often develops during the early attachment years of childhood when attachment styles develop (see my article: The Early Attachment Bond and Insecure Attachment).

Emotional Insecurity Can Affect Sexual Initiation

When children are emotionally invalidated by one or both parents, they often grow up feeling they are not good enough and unlovable (see my article: Overcoming the Emotional Pain of Feeling Unlovable).

These feelings often carry over into adulthood and adult relationships, especially romantic relationships.

These insecurities aren't always evident during the early stage of a relationship because the heady new relationship energy (NRE) can mask these feelings, but once the so-called honeymoon phase is over and the relationship becomes more emotionally intimate, these insecurities become more evident because emotional intimacy includes vulnerability which can be scary for insecure adults (see my article: Vulnerability is the Pathway to Emotional and Sexual Intimacy).

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette illustrates how insecurity can affect sexual intimacy and how therapy can help. As always, this vignette is a composite of many different cases to protect confidentiality.

Bob and Gina

During the early stage of their relationship, Bob and Gina, who were in their early 30s, were both satisfied with their emotional and sexual connection.  But a year into their relationship Bob stopped initiating sex and Gina was unhappy about this.

Whenever Gina initiated sex, they both enjoyed it. But, even after Bob promised he would initiate the next time, something always stopped him and he didn't understand what was getting in his way.

At first, Gina thought that Bob found her sexually undesirable because she had gained a little weight (see my article: Is a Negative Body Image Affecting Your Sense of Self?).

Emotional Insecurity Can Affect Sexual Initiation

But Bob reassured her that he found her as attractive as ever and he wanted to initiate sex, but whenever they were in bed together, he felt too insecure and self conscious to initiate.

The longer the problem went on between them, the more ashamed and guilty Bob felt and the more emotionally and sexually frustrated Gina felt. 

After a while, Gina stopped initiating sex and she started flirting with a new male coworker who was also flirty. Although she liked the attention, she didn't want to have an affair, so she told Bob she wanted them to attend sex therapy as a couple.

During the early phase of sex therapy, their sex therapist had two individual sessions with each of them to get their family histories and sexual/relationship histories.

During his individual sessions Bob discussed how he was expected to fend for himself emotionally as a child. Whenever he felt sad or upset about anything, his parents dismissed and invalidated him. They told him he was "weak" for feeling this way and they refused to comfort him.

He grew up feeling he wasn't good enough and that he was unlovable. These feelings, which continued into adulthood, got in the way of all his romantic relationships. 

He told the sex therapist that, initially, during the early phase of a relationship, he was carried along by the excitement of the new relationship energy so he didn't have a problem initiating sex. But once the relationship became more emotionally intimate, all of his insecurities came up so he felt too insecure to initiate sex.

The sex therapist referred Bob to an individual trauma therapist to work on his early attachment issues and Gina and Bob continued to work in sex therapy as a couple.

Over time, Gina began to understand that Bob's insecurities about initiating sex had nothing to do with her.  She also developed empathy for what Bob went through as a child when his insecurity first developed.

Bob's individual trauma therapist used EMDR therapy and Somatic Experiencing therapy to help him to work through his early trauma.

Sex Therapy and Trauma Therapy Can Help

Their sex therapist, who worked in collaboration with the individual trauma therapist, helped Bob and Gina to gradually get comfortable with each other sexually.

Eventually, although it took a lot of work, the combination of individual trauma therapy and sex therapy helped Bob and Gina to have a more satisfying sex life together.

Conclusion

Early insecure attachment issues often carry over into adulthood and adult relationships.

Insecure attachment can show up in different ways in romantic relationships, including in a couple's sexual relationship.

Working on the early attachment issues and related sexual problems can help a couple to work through their problems so they can have a satisfying and meaningful relationship.

Even though the couple in the vignette was presented as a cisgender heterosexual monogamous couple, sexual problems can develop in any relationship regardless of gender, sexual orientation, sexual identity or relationship type, including consensually nonmonogamous relationships.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you have been unable to resolve sexual problems on your own, you could benefit from working with a skilled psychotherapist.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who has the expertise you need.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, EFT, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: Insecure Attachment Styles Are on a Continuum

Emotionally Focused Therapist Julie Menanno has written a wonderful book for couples called Secure Love: Create a Relationship That Lasts a Lifetime (see my article:  What is Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) For Couples?).

Attachment Styles Are on a Continuum

I recommend her book to my clients in my New York City private practice because it's written in an accessible and informative way for the general public.

Couples often read (or listen to) the book together and then discuss how the topics relate to their relationship.  The book supplements the work we do in therapy.

One of the topics in her book is attachment styles (see my article: How Your Attachment Style Can Affect Your Relationship).

Attachment Styles Aren't Fixed

One of the most common misconceptions about attachment styles is that you have the same attachment style in all your relationships throughout your life.

Attachment Styles Are on a Continuum

In other words, many people assume that if you have a particular attachment style in one relationship, you will have the same attachment style in all your relationships, but this isn't necessarily true.

Attachment styles develop at an early age, but you can have a particular attachment style with your mother and a different one with your father during the same time period (see my article: How Early Attachment Bonds Can Affect Your Adult Relationships).

Similarly, you might have, say, an anxious attachment style in one relationship and have an avoidant attachment style in a past or future relationship (see my article: Relationships With Anxious and Avoidant Attachment Styles).

Attachment Styles Are on a Continuum

Your attachment style is often based, in part, on the particular relationship you're in at the time. 

What I often tell clients is, "It's not like astrological signs where you were born under a particular sign and that's your sign for life."

So attachment styles can change over time and in different relationships.

You can also develop a secure attachment style either through being with someone who has a secure attachment style or by working on your attachment wounds in therapy (see my article: What is an Earned Secure Attachment Style?).

All Insecure Attachment Styles Are Not Alike

Another misconception is that within each insecure attachment style (anxious, avoidant and disorganized) everyone exhibits the same characteristics, but this isn't true.

The reality is that each attachment style is on a continuum.

Julie Menanno stresses this in her book and in her social media, including her Instagram account @thesecurerelationship.

Insecure Attachment Styles on a Continuum

Ms. Menanno provides a chart for the different insecure attachment styles in her work that illustrates the continuum with the following information:

Avoidant Attachment Style

Avoidant - Extreme:

• Unlikely to seek a relationship
• Sees partners as merely objects
• Very little capacity for empathy
• No emotional awareness

Avoidant - High:

• Unable to name feelings
• Little facial expression
• No awareness of bodily sensations related to their emotions
• Overly rational
• Emotionally unavailable
• Confused by partner's emotions
• Places a higher value on "doing" rather than on "being"

Avoidant - Moderate:

• Able to name feelings but experiences them as shameful
• Over-idealizes childhood (sees childhood through "rose colored glasses")
• Won't share negative feelings
• Appeases their partner and/or shuts down 
• Overwhelmed by their partner's feelings
• Passive aggressive
• Escapes through hobbies, social media, TV and so on

Avoidant - Mild:

• In the process of learning to express wants and needs
• In the process of developing skills to be emotionally supportive of their partner
• In the process of recognizing impact of childhood attachment dynamics
• In the process of developing an ability to see their own and their partner's part in their problems
• In the process of developing an increased interest in self growth

Anxious Attachment Style

Anxious - Extreme:

• Talks excessively and repeats self
• Might alternate between anger and crying spells
• Highly controlling
• No awareness of their part in their relationship problems
• Overly identifies with the "victim" role in the relationship

Anxious - High

• A rigid interpretation of the relationship problems
• Feels desperate to be heard and understood
• Expects immediate results
• Becomes emotionally dysregulated at times
• Experiences trust inconsistently
• Gives long narrative of events
• Hyper-aware of any possible signs of abandonment by their partner

Anxious - Moderate

• Emerging ability to see their part in the relationship problems (goes back and forth with this developing ability)
• Confused about "what to do" about the relationship problems
• Emerging capacity to disengage during a conflict
• Emerging capacity to make meaning out of the partner's behavior
• Emerging ability to say the couple is not fighting as much, but they still don't feel close to their partner

Anxious - Mild

• Recognizes their part in the couple's problems
• Able to receive comfort from their partner
• Better able to self soothe
• Less critical of their partner and self
• Able to face and verbalize feelings of shame
• Able to face and verbalize feelings of being "too much" for their partner
• Can talk about their anger in a softened way

Disorganized Attachment

Disorganized - Extreme

• Experiences frequent dysregulation and/or dissociation/zoning out
• Difficulty functioning in life in general
• Engages in self harming, risky behavior
• Rapid mood swings
• Chaotic narratives
• Unpredictable
• Extreme fear of rejection and abandonment
• Highly traumatized

Disorganized - High

• Able to function in life but with frequent dysregulation and dissociation
• Very unstable relationships
• Inconsistent thoughts and feelings that are constantly shifting
• Explosions
• Disappears for extended periods of time

Disorganized - Moderate

• Able to participate in therapy with highly trained therapist
• In the process of learning skills to self regulate 
• In the process of learning skills to set boundaries
• In the process of learning skills to process trauma in trauma therapy
• Gets triggered easily but in the process of developing a capacity to feel and talk through these feelings
• In the process of developing capacity to become more organized in the relationship
• Starting to develop capacity to appear as a typical anxious partner (as opposed to disorganized)

Disorganized - Mild

• Still struggles when stress is high
• Less intense reactions
• Higher capacity to develop in couples therapy
• Building trust
• Can see things more realistically and balanced when triggered
• Higher self esteem
• Practices self regulation skills
• Learning to provide comfort and seek comfort
• Still more work to do

As you can see, each attachment style is on a continuum and you can see your own and your partner's progress as you both work together to improve your individual and couple's issues.

Attachment Styles Are on a Continuum

Also, as I mentioned above, it's possible that if you have an anxious attachment style in one relationship, you might develop a more avoidant attachment style in another relationship where your partner has a more anxious attachment style than you do.

Getting Help in Therapy

Most of the time dysfunctional attachment dynamics don't change on their own, so if you recognize that you and your partner are having problems due to unresolved attachment wounds, seek help in therapy.

Getting Help in Therapy

Insecure attachment styles can be challenging to change, but a skilled therapist, who knows how to help clients to overcome attachment wounds that are getting triggered in a relationship, can help you to work through your issues. 

Rather than struggling on your own seek help so you can have a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Healing Attachment Trauma in Trauma Therapy

Attachment trauma, which involves attachment wounds, can occur at any time of life. 

Healing Attachment Trauma in Trauma Therapy 

Attachment trauma often occurs when there are significant disruptions in close relationships.

Examples of Attachment Wounds Which Are Part of Attachment Trauma

Attachment wounds include but are not limited to:

• Early loss or abandonment in childhood

• Death of a parent in childhood

• Lack of affection during childhood

• Being separated during infancy or any time in childhood from parents or primary caregivers

• Physical or emotional abuse, childhood emotional neglect or sexual abuse

• A caregiver who is the source of overwhelming emotional distress for a child

• Infidelity in a relationship including extramarital affairs and financial infidelity

• A caregiver who has a substance abuse problem

• A caregiver with mental health issues or who is emotionally unstable

• A caregiver with an anxious, avoidant or disorganized attachment style

• A caregiver with poor emotional, physical or sexual boundaries

• A caregiver who treats a child like a friend (see my article: Why Your Child Can't Be Your Friend)

• A caregiver who is controlling to the point where a child has difficulty individuating (being their own person)

• Divorce in the family during childhood

• Intergenerational trauma

• Betrayal in a romantic relationship, family relationship or friendship

• Lack of support from a partner, spouse or significant other during a significant event or transition

What Are Signs and Symptoms of Attachment Trauma?

The signs and symptoms of attachment trauma include but are not limited to:

• A pattern of difficulties in relationships with friends, family members, significant others and work relationships

A Pattern of Difficulties in Relationships

• A tendency to experience humiliation, shame and/or guilt

• Hyper-reactivity to stress (see my article: Responding Instead of Reacting)

• Hyperarousal

• A tendency to be anxious, avoidant or disorganized in romantic relationships including healthy relationships (see my article: How Your Attachment Style Affects Your Relationship)

• Enmeshed relationships with family members, friends or significant others

• Poor interpersonal boundaries 

Mental Health and Substance Abuse Issues Related to Attachment Trauma

Mental health and substance abuse issues related to attachment trauma include but are not limited to:

• Depression

• Anxiety
  

• Trauma and Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)

• Complex trauma

• Alcohol misuse

Attachment Trauma and Alcohol Misuse

• Drug misuse or addiction

• Compulsive gambling

• Overspending

• Overeating

• Out of control sexual behavior (OCSB)
  

Healing Attachment Trauma in Trauma Therapy

There are many different types of trauma therapy, which all come under the umbrella of experiential therapy including:

• Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR)

• Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy (AEDP)

• Parts Work Therapy including Ego States Therapy and Internal Family Systems Therapy

• Somatic Experiencing Therapy
  

How Will You Know When You're on the Path to Healing an Attachment Trauma?

There is no quick fix for healing attachment trauma, but Experiential Therapy, like EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing and Parts Work tend to be more effective than regular talk therapy for healing trauma (see my article: Why Experiential Therapy is More Effective Than Talk Therapy to Overcome Trauma).

Since you might not have experienced emotionally supportive relationships when you were a child, you will probably need time to develop a therapeutic rapport with your trauma therapist, so it's good to be aware of this as you start trauma therapy (see my article: Can You Learn to Trust Your Therapist If You Weren't Able to Trust Your Family?).

Signs that might be part of your path to healing an attachment trauma include but are not limited to:

• You're beginning to respond instead of react to stress

• You're starting to feel safer in your body

• You're getting better at setting boundaries

• You're becoming more aware of when you feel ashamed, guilty or humiliated when there's no objective reason to feel that way

• You're beginning to feel less anxious

• You're becoming aware that your depression is beginning to lift

• You're starting to make healthier choices in relationships

• You're feeling less anxious, avoidant or disorganized in a healthy relationship

• You're cutting back or you have stopped drinking excessively

• You're cutting back or you have stopped misusing drugs

• You're feeling less inclined to gamble compulsively

• You're less inclined to overspend

• You're less inclined to overeat during times of stress 

• You no longer feel comfortable in enmeshed relationships

• You're prioritizing self care

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

If you're struggling with attachment trauma, you're not alone.

Healing Attachment Trauma in Trauma Therapy

A skilled trauma therapist can help you to overcome unresolved trauma.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who is a trauma therapist.

Trauma therapy can help you to free yourself from your traumatic past so you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

What is a Common Relationship Conflict Between Partners With Anxious and Avoidant Attachment Styles?

Today's article is focused on a common relationship conflict where one partner has an anxious attachment style and the other has an avoidant attachment style (see my article: Understanding Your Attachment Style Can Help You to Break the Negative Cycle in Your Relationship).

Conflicts Between Partners With An Anxious and An Avoidant Style

According to Julie Menanno, Emotionally Focused Therapist and author of Secure Love, there is usually a pattern to these conflicts which involve the couple's negative cycle (see my article: Identifying the Negative Cycle in Your Relationship).

What is a Common Conflict Between Partners With Anxious and Avoidant Attachment?

In her book, Julie Menanno discusses a common dynamic between partners based on their attachment styles (see my article: How Your Attachment Style Affects Your Relationship).

An example of this would be when the partner with anxious attachment brings up a concern, they often come across as critical, judgmental or accusatory. In most cases, this partner doesn't intend to be negative. 

On a deeper level, this partner is just trying hard to be heard, but they come across as wanting to pick a fight. 

When the first partner is trying to be heard, but comes across in a negative way, the partner with an avoidant attachment style feels like their partner is attacking them. They feel misunderstood and like they're being blamed, so they react defensively. 

They might come across in different ways. They might get defensive and respond in an overly rational way. They might invalidate their partner's concerns. They might also shutdown, which is also known as stonewalling.

On a deeper level, this partner feels unappreciated and they are trying to defend against feeling like a failure in the relationship. But they don't come across that way. They come across as if they're not paying attention to their anxious partner. 

When the person with anxious attachment hears their partner's response, they feel invalidated and become frustrated. They react with anger because they want to be heard. But on a deeper level, they feel alone and they're desperately trying to get their partner's attention.

In response to the anxious partner's frustration and increasing anger, the avoidant partner feels even more attacked. The avoidant partner doesn't want to make the argument worse so, without realizing it, they shutdown even more. But on a deeper level, they feel ashamed and powerless.

These types of conflicts often go unresolved because each partner feels they can't get through to the other partner and their responses to each other only creates more conflict.

Even when both partners decide to let go of the conflict, one of them, often the anxious partner, will eventually bring it up again at another time in an effort to get to the bottom of hte problem. Their intention is to overcome their problem in the relationship, but this only leads to the couple going through their negative cycle again.

After a while, this becomes their ongoing negative cycle with each partner feeling more frustrated and alone.

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette illustrates how an anxious and avoidant partner typically go through a conflict. As always, this vignette is a composite of many cases with all identifying information changed to protect confidentiality:

Tom and Jane

Tom and Jane were married for five years when they sought help in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) for couples (see my article: What is Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples?).

Both of them worked at stressful jobs. They also had two small active children in an apartment they owned in New York City. So, aside from their relationship problems, they had other major stressors in their lives.

Each of them agreed that after the initial honeymoon phase of their relationship, they started getting into conflicts over seemingly small issues.

Jane gave an example of one of their recent arguments about an ongoing issue where she felt she had to continuously remind Tom to do the laundry. 

Conflicts Between Partners With An Anxious and An Avoidant Style

According to Jane, they had agreed to divide up a list of chores where one of Tom's chores was to do the laundry. But even though he had agreed to do this weekly task, Tom would often let more than two weeks go by before he did the laundry--to the point where their children were running out of clean clothes to wear. 

Jane said she would remind him a few times after a week had gone by, which she resented doing.  Then he would accuse her of nagging him, which would precipitate an argument.

While he listened to Jane speak, Tom was slumped in his chair with a sullen expression on his face.  Then, when it was his turn to speak, Tom said he realized he was negligent in not doing the laundry, but he felt attacked by Jane and, eventually, he would tune her out because listening to her was too overwhelming.

Jane responded that when she felt Tom was ignoring her, she felt frustrated and angry. She admitted that when she felt that way, she would raise her voice. Even though she often regretted getting so angry afterwards, she didn't know how else to get through to Tom. 

They both realized they were becoming more and more emotionally disconnected from each other.

Over time, the EFT therapist helped Jane and Tom to see each of their attachment styles and how these styles contributed to their negative cycle: Jane had an anxious attachment style and Tom had an avoidant attachment style.

Couples Can Work Out Their Problems in EFT Couples Therapy

Their therapist also helped them to change their negative cycle so they could relate to each other in a more caring, compassionate way.

Tom realized he was behaving in a passive aggressive way by delaying doing the laundry. With the therapist's help, he also realized he was unconsciously repeating a dynamic he saw as a child between his parents who had similar arguments. So, he became much more diligent in doing his half of the chores in a timely manner.

Tom also became aware of how frustrating it was for Jane to remind him continuously of what he needed to do, so he had a lot more compassion for her, especially when he realized how her childhood history was, unconsciously, impacting her in their relationship.

Jane realized her anger was partly fueled by her childhood history where she saw her mother struggling to keep up with all the household chores while her father either relaxed at home or played golf on the weekends with his friends. So, Jane learned in couples therapy to separate her anger for her father from her anger for her husband. 

Jane also became aware that Tom's behavior was unconsciously related to his childhood history, and she developed a lot more compassion for him.

Getting to the point where they each felt compassion and understanding for each other was neither quick nor easy because their negative cycle was so ingrained. But they were both motivated to improve their relationship, so they persevered in couples therapy.

Conclusion

Couples often wait until they're fed up to get help. 

It's not unusual for couples to seek help in couples therapy when one or both of them are already contemplating ending the relationship.

By then, their negative cycle has become an ingrained pattern.

Typically, couples who seek help early on have a better chance of working out their problems in couples therapy in a shorter amount of time. 

So, if you're having problems in your relationship, seek help sooner rather than later if you want to save your relationship.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

If you and your partner have been struggling with ongoing problems, seek help from an Emotionally Focused therapist (EFT).

EFT has been shown in research to be an effective modality for helping couples to change their negative cycle.

Once you have learned how to change your negative cycle, you and your partner can have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.