Arousal Nonconcordance and a History of Sexual Abuse

This article was updated on September 19, 2026.

Arousal nonconcordance is the physiological phenomenon where a person's physical body responds sexually (such as through lubrication or erection) while their mind feels zero emotional or psychological desire. For survivors of sexual trauma, understanding this disconnect is a vital step toward healing and releasing unearned shame.

Understanding the disconnect between mind and body is a powerful first step toward trauma recovery and reclaiming your narrative.

Topics:

• What is Arousal Nonconcordance?
• The Difference Between Sexual Desire vs. Sexual Arousal
• Examples of Arousal Nonconcordance
• The Connection to Trauma and Memories of Sexual Abuse
• How Trauma Healing and Role Play Can Empower Survivors
• Finding the Right Trauma-Informed Sex Therapist

What is Arousal Nonconcordance?

Arousal nonconcordance occurs when there is a distinct disconnect between how someone feels physically and how they feel emotionally and psychologically.

Essentially, it means physical signs of sexual response do not automatically equal psychological desire. It manifests in two distinct ways:

• A person feels physically aroused, but they do not want to have sex.
• A person emotionally desires sex, but their body does not respond with physical arousal.

(For a deeper dive into the foundations of this concept, see my companion article: What is Arousal Nonconcordance?)

The Difference Between Sexual Desire vs. Sexual Arousal

To fully understand this concept, it helps to distinguish between the mind's intent and the body's autonomous reflexes.

• Sexual Desire: This is a purely psychological state. Often described as being "in the mood," desire is a state of mind heavily influenced by emotions, thoughts, stress levels, relationship dynamics, and the immediate context.
• Sexual Arousal: This is an autonomous physical response. It involves involuntary physiological changes, such as increased blood flow to the genitals, lubrication, or erection. Arousal is frequently triggered by automatic physical cues, visual stimuli, touch or sudden memories.

While sexual desire and sexual arousal frequently occur together, they operate on separate systems. Arousal nonconcordance is the clear proof that your body can react independently of your conscious mind.

Examples of Arousal Nonconcordance:

The following clinical vignettes, which are composite cases, illustrate how common and varied this experience is across different relationships:

• Liz and Jane (Lubrication vs. Desire): Liz feels deeply turned on while kissing Jane. However, when Jane touches Liz's genitals, she notices Liz feels dry. Jane assumes this means Liz doesn't want to have sex and stops. Liz gently tells her that even though her body hasn't caught up yet, she intensely desires Jane. They communicate, continue kissing, and enjoy making love.
• Mary and Bill (Unwanted Physical Arousal): Bill touches Mary's genitals to initiate sex. Mary has a severe headache and explicitly states she is not in the mood. Confused, Bill says, "But you're wet, how are you not in the mood?" Mary explains that her body's lubrication is just an automatic reflex, but she lacks the psychological desire to have sex right now. They wait until morning, when Mary feels better, to enjoy intimacy.
• John and Ed (Desire vs. Erection Performance): While in bed, John tells Ed he wants to have sex. During foreplay, Ed notices John does not have an erection and withdraws, assuming John isn't attracted to him. John reassures Ed that he desires him completely, but anxiety is blocking his physical response. After cuddling quietly to calm John's nervous system, his body relaxes and he achieves an erection.

Arousal Nonconcordance and Memories of Sexual Abuse

Understanding arousal nonconcordance is absolutely critical for individuals navigating a history of sexual abuse or managing unexpected sexual trauma triggers.

Why Does the Body Get Aroused During Abuse?

During an assault, or when experiencing intrusive memories of past trauma, the human body may automatically lubricate or erect. This is an involuntary, biological survival reflex. The body reacts to physical touch or heightened nervous system arousal to protect itself from tissue damage. It does not mean the victim enjoyed, wanted, or consented to the abuse.

Overcoming the Cycle of Shame and Self-Blame

Because many survivors are unaware of how arousal nonconcordance works, experiencing a physical reaction during or after an assault causes immense confusion. Survivors frequently experience:

• Intense feelings of shame, guilt, and self-blame.
• The mistaken belief that they "secretly wanted it" or that "something is wrong with them."
• Distressing flashbacks triggered during healthy, consensual intimacy (see my guide on Coping With Trauma: Managing Sexual Triggers).

If you experienced physical arousal during trauma, there is absolutely nothing wrong with you. You are not to blame. Your body simply did what it was biologically wired to do to protect itself.

How Trauma Healing and Roleplay Can Empower Survivors

Every survivor's healing journey looks completely different. While some people choose to accept their body's automatic responses and move forward, others actively use creative clinical strategies to reclaim their bodily autonomy.

One therapeutic approach involves consensual trauma-informed roleplay with a trusted, safe partner. During the original trauma, the survivor had zero control over their body or the outcome. In a structured, highly communicative roleplay setting, the survivor uses their imagination to dictate the rules, set firm boundaries, and experience a safe, completely different outcome. By rewriting the script, the roleplay acts as a powerful tool for emotional somatic healing.

Finding the Right Trauma-Informed Sex Therapist

The vast majority of general mental health professionals receive very little, if any, training in human sexuality, and many do not understand the mechanics of arousal nonconcordance.

If you want to safely process unwanted physical responses, heal from trauma, and rebuild a fulfilling intimate life, it is essential to work with a practitioner dually trained in both sex therapy and trauma resolution (learn more here: What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?).

About Josephine Ferraro, LCSW

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, Certified Sex Therapist and Trauma Specialist with over 20 years of experience helping individuals and couples heal trauma and reclaim their intimacy in my office in Greenwich Village, New York City (10011) and online.

My practice integrates specialized modalities including EMDR, AEDP, IFS, Somatic Experiencing, Hypnotherapy, and Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) for individuals and couples.

I offer a complementary 15 minute phone call before setting up an appointment.

Ready to reclaim your narrative?
To set up a private consultation at my NYC practice, contact me today:

• Website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

• Phone: (917) 742-2624
• Website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist
• Email: josephineferraro@iCloud.com

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Relationships: Why is Sexual Aftercare Important?

I wrote about the importance of aftercare in a prior article about BDSM (Bondage and Discipline, Dominance and Submission and Sadism and Masochism), but aftercare isn't just for BDSM--it's important for non-BDSM encounters too, so I'm exploring that topic in this article.

Aftercare Shows You Care

The concept of sexual aftercare began in the BDSM community and is now considered a common practice in conventional sex that does not include BDSM.

What is Sexual Aftercare?

There is no one-size fits all approach to sexual aftercare.

Aftercare Shows You Care

Sexual aftercare is an essential part of sexual intimacy which helps to foster emotional connection and intimacy. 

Sexual aftercare involves both physical and emotional care which often go together.

Physical aftercare can include:

• Cuddling
• Offering a gentle massage
• Sharing a blanket
• Hydrating or having a snack
• Tending to potential injuries that can occur during sex including scratches or bruises
• Showering together
• Taking a nap
• Reading together
• Listening to music
• Anything partners enjoy that maintains physical comfort and closeness

Emotional aftercare can include:

• Open, reassuring conversations between partners
• Discussing vulnerable feelings

Why is Sexual Aftercare Important?

Sexual aftercare is important for many reasons including that it:

• Helps each partner to relax and recover in a caring way

Aftercare Shows You Care

• Shows mutual respect and appreciation

• Helps partners to feel secure

• Helps to ease partners to transition from sex to everyday life without feeling an abrupt change

• Helps the body to adjust to fading feel-good hormones like oxytocin and dopamine which are released during sexual activity

• Helps to avoid postcoital dysphoria which is a condition that some people experience after sex which includes sadness, anxiety or distress

• Helps to prevent negative emotions where one or both partners can feel used, dismissed, unappreciated. Other people can experience guilt or shame if they don't engage in sexual aftercare

What Not to Do After Sex

• Avoid jumping out of bed immediately after sex to take a shower unless you and your partner have agreed to this beforehand. If you abruptly leave your partner after sex, your partner can feel alone and abandoned after such an intimate experience. 

• If you feel sweaty and uncomfortable after sex, after you cuddle with your partner, you can use a warm wash cloth and offer one to your partner. You can also shower together so the showering becomes part of the sexual intimacy. 

• Even if you and your partner have a casual friendship or relationship, don't treat your partner like a sexual object. Show them respect and care.

How to Set Up Sexual Aftercare Before Sex

• Clear communication with your partner is the key to having sexual aftercare that you and your partner can enjoy together.

Aftercare Shows You Care

• Share information with your partner about your aftercare needs and find out what they prefer.

Conclusion

Sexual aftercare is an important part of sexual intimacy.

There is no right or wrong way to do sexual aftercare as long as it meets your needs and your partner's needs.

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

If you and your partner have been having sexual problems, you could benefit from talking to a sex therapist (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

Individual adults and couples seek help in sex therapy for a variety of reasons (see my article: Why Do Individuals and Couples Seek Help in Sex Therapy).

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy. There is no nudity or sex during sex therapy sessions (see my article: Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy).

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a certified sex therapist so you can have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist).

I have over 25 years of experience working with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles: 

Have You and Your Partner Stopped Having Sex?  

Sexual Desire Discrepancy: You and Your Partner Have Different Levels of Sexual Desire

What is Sexual Self Esteem? 

The Four Cs of Safer and More Pleasurable Sex 

Understanding Your Sexual Arousal Type  

Overcoming Anxiety-Related Erectile Problems 

To Improve Sexual Intimacy Get Off the Sexual Staircase

What is Erotic Empathy?  

Overcoming Sexual Shame and Guilt 

Overcoming Painful Sex

Relationships: Understanding S£x as an Emotionally Intimate Experience

Within a loving relationship where two people feel connected to each other, sex is an emotionally intimate experience.

Sex is a vulnerable act of trust.

Sex as an Emotionally Intimate Experience

Sex also triggers the release of bonding hormones, enhances communication and deepens your connection with your partner when you share physical and emotional closeness.

Sharing this level of physical and emotional closeness provides an opportunity for you to express affection, share your desires and feel safe which can allow you to feel understood in a deeper way.

What Creates Emotionally Intimacy During Sex in a Relationship?

• Sharing Your Whole Self: Sexual intimacy requires you to be physically and emotionally present and vulnerable which allows you to let down your guard and create a deep sense of trust with your partner. 

• Opening Up Physically and Emotionally: You're opening yourself up for acceptance but, potentially, you might also experience criticism or rejection. The best sex occurs when you're already feeling emotionally connected and safe (see my article: Creating a Safe Haven For Each Other).

• Experiencing the "Love Hormone": Sex releases oxytocin which is linked to feelings of affection, trust and bonding.

Sex as an Emotionally Intimate Experience

• Bonding and Connection: Oxytocin creates a powerful sense of closeness and longing for your partner. This helps to solidify your connection on an emotional and physical level.

• Enhanced Communication: Sex can enhance communication when partners can talk openly and honestly about their sexual desires, needs and boundaries (see my article: How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex).

• Deepening Intimacy: The shared vulnerability and open communication can deepen your connection.

• An Enhanced Expression of Existing Intimacy: Sex can be a powerful way to enhance an already existing emotional connection by amplifying feelings of love and tenderness. When there is already an intimate connection, sex is more than just a physical act--it's an expression of emotional intimacy.

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette is a composite of many cases where a couple lost their emotional and sexual connection over time and how they regained it:

Lena and Matt

When Lena and Matt started dating, they were always excited to see each other. 

Sex as an Emotionally Intimate Experience

Their "new relationship energy" created so much passion, excitement and anticipation during the honeymoon phase of their relationship.

But after twenty years of marriage, the passion and excitement was gone and they were only having obligatory sex (also known as "duty sex").

Obligatory sex occurs when one or both people have sex out of sense of duty or pressure rather than from a sense of genuine desire.

Over time, their sex life deteriorated for many reasons: work stress, raising children, financial stress and other responsibilities. 

Neither of them knew how to talk to each other about sex, so they continued to have sex that neither of them enjoyed.

Their obligatory sex created resentment, dissatisfaction and emotional distance. The emotional distance, in turn, pulled them further and further apart.

Both of them approached sex with the attitude that they wanted to "get it over with", but it left them both feeling lonely and isolated.  They each would have preferred to have no sex than the kind of sex they were having, but neither of them felt comfortable talking about it.

After Lena spoke to her therapist about how unsatisfying her sex life with Matt had become, her therapist referred them to a sex therapist.

Initially, Matt was resistant to going. He didn't want to talk about their sex life, but Lena convinced him that they had a problem and sex therapy could help.

Their sex therapist helped them to speak openly about their sex life, which was challenging at first. Over time, they learned to talk to each other calmly without blaming each other.

They talked about how exciting and passionate their sex life had been when they were dating. Even though they knew they couldn't get that "new relationship energy" back, they felt closer to one another and more open to exploring what they both would find sexually enjoyable. 

It took time to overcome twenty years of emotional and sexual disconnection, but they were able to enhance their emotional and sexual connection over time.

Conclusion

Sex is usually an emotionally intimate experience in a relationship when two people feel connected to one another.

Sex as an Emotionally Intimate Experience

Sharing yourself emotionally and sexually is a vulnerable act that can bring two people closer together and enhance their relationship.

Over time, many couples drift into having obligatory sex where they go through the motions of having sex or they become a no-sex couple (see my article: Have You and Your Partner Stopped Having Sex?).

Obligatory sex often creates more emotional and sexual distance as well as resentment and loneliness.

For couples who have become no-sex couples, the longer they wait to address these problems, the more challenging it can be. However, even longstanding no-sex couples have an opportunity to work through their issues in sex therapy if they are motivated.

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

If you and your partner have lost your emotional and sexual connection with each other, you could benefit from getting help in sex therapy.

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy with a licensed mental health professional who specializes in helping individual adults and couples to having a satisfying sex life (see my article: What Do People Talk About in Sex Therapy?).

There is no nudity or sex during the sex therapy sessions (see my article: What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

There is usually homework to do between sessions as a bridge between the sessions and, at times, to put into practice what has been discussed.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help in sex therapy to improve your emotional and sexual connection.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS/Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.