Expanding Your Perspective About 1ntimacy

Many people think of sex as being exclusively penis-in-vagina (also known as P-in-V), but sex is so much more than P-in-V (see my article: Understanding Your Sex Script).

Expanding Your Perspective About Intimacy

P-in-V sex for heterosexual couples is one aspect of sex, but it's important to develop a broader perspective about sex, which is the purpose of this article.

Why Is It Important to Develop a Broader Perspective About Sex?

A broader perspective about sex includes:

• A Validation of Non-Penetrative Activities: Non-penetrative sex is also called "outercourse" to distinguish it from intercourse. There are many other non-penetrative sexual activities that are pleasurable. These activities are often referred to as "foreplay", but that word diminishes sexual activities that many people prefer. It's also a narrow heteronormative view of sex that invalidates what many people like (see my article: Changing Your Sex Script).

Expanding Your Perspective About Intimacy

• An Improvement in Sexual Satisfaction, Especially For Women: The majority of women don't orgasm from penetrative sex alone. Many of them require clitoral stimulation to have an orgasm or for sex to even be pleasurable. Expanding the definition of sex to include other forms of sexual stimulation can lead to more fulfilling sexual experiences for women (see my article: To Improve Intimacy, Get Off the Sexual Staircase).

Expanding Your Perspective About Intimac

• LGBTQIA+ Experiences: Defining sex as P-in-V invalidates the experiences of gay, lesbian, bisexual, trans, queer and asexual people. An expanded perspective of sex includes all consensual pleasurable activities between partners.

• A Non-Performative Perspective on Sex: Focusing exclusively on penetrative sex can create pressure, anxiety and stress. For instance, when sex is seen as solely penetrative, it can place a lot of pressure on men to maintain an erection, which can develop into an anxiety spiral that creates problems with erections. Broadening the definition of sex allows partners to focus on mutual pleasure rather than performance (see my article: What is Performative Sex?).

Expanding Your Perspective About Intimacy

• An Accommodation For Different Abilities and Preferences: For people who have different sexual abilities due to aging, physical pain or other conditions, non-performative sex can be a fulfilling alternative. It also offers other options for couples who might prefer other sexual activities than penetrative sex (see my article: 5 Common Myths About Sex in Long Term Relationships).

Expanding Your Perspective About Intimacy

• An Increase in Emotional Intimacy: Non-performative sex (or outercourse) can enhance emotional connection by emphasizing communication, exploration and intimacy without the pressure of performative sex (see my article: Emotional Vulnerability as a Pathway to Greater Emotional and Sexual Intimacy).

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Many individual adults and couples would like to broaden their sexual activities, but they don't know where to start.

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy where a sex therapist focuses on sexual issues (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

There are no physical exams, nudity or sex during sex therapy sessions. 

If you have been having sexual problems you haven't been able to resolve on your own, you could benefit from seeking help from a licensed mental health professional who is a sex therapist.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help in sex therapy so you can have a more fulfilling sex life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT Couples Therapist, Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Rethinking Foreplay as More Than Just a Prelude to Intercourse

Foreplay is commonly thought of as sexual activity that precedes sexual intercourse.  As such, it's often considered secondary to sexual penetration, including penis in vagina or penis in anus penetration (PIV or PIA).  Unfortunately, for many couples foreplay can last only a few minutes or it can be completely nonexistent (see my article:  What is Good Sex?)

Rethinking Foreplay as More Than Just a Prelude to Intercourse

In his books, She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman and So Tell Me About the Last Time You Had Sex: Laying Bare and Learning to Repair Our Love Lives, sex therapist Ian Kerner, Ph.D. emphasizes that sexual foreplay is more than just a prelude to intercourse, especially for women.  He indicates that what we normally think of as foreplay should be considered "coreplay" because it's an essential part of sex and, in particular, core to women's sexual pleasure.

Human sexuality professor Laurie Mintz, Ph.D. stresses in her book, Becoming Cliterate - Why Orgasm Equality Matters and How to Get It, that a focus on the penetration model of sex (PIV or PIA) is shortchanging women of the sexual pleasure they seek and deserve.

According to a 2016 sex research study with over 52,500 participants published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior, 95% of heterosexual men usually or always have an orgasm during sex as compared to only 65% of women.  The discrepancy between men's and women's response is known as the orgasm gap (see my articles: Closing the Orgasm Gap Between Women and Men - Part 1 and Part 2).  

Dr. Mintz, who is a sex positive advocate for closing the orgasm gap between men and women, emphasizes that the main reason for this gap is cultural ignorance about what most women need to experience an orgasm, specifically ignorance about the clitoris and the importance of clitoral stimulation.

Accordingly, based on sex research, Dr. Mintz challenges the idea that sexual intercourse is the best (or only) way for heterosexual women to have a climax (see my article: Women's Sexuality: Tips on Sexual Self Discovery).

According to current sex research, a whopping 75% of women don't experience orgasm through sexual penetration alone (PIV or PIA). As previously stated, most women need clitoral stimulation.  However, many women, who lack access to good sex education about this issue, believe there's something wrong with them if they don't experience orgasms through PIV or PIA alone.

Even for couples where they're knowledgeable about the importance of clitoral stimulation, many men in those relationships approach pleasuring their female partners with oral sex as if it's a chore.  These same men often like to experience receiving oral sex but, for a variety of reasons, they don't want to reciprocate with their partner.  Needless to say, this is selfish.

When women sense that men don't like to reciprocate with oral sex, they're often hesitant to ask their partner to "go down" on them.  As a result, it's not unusual for these women to approach sex as something they have to "get through" because it's not pleasurable for them, but they don't want to annoy their partners.  In many cases, they also don't feel like they deserve sexual pleasure.

Similarly, Esther Perel, Ph.D., who is also a sex therapist, emphasizes that we need to reconsider foreplay as "more than just a warm up act" to intercourse.  She indicates that foreplay is an atmosphere a couple creates and it can run through the entire relationship.

Dr. Perel says foreplay is the art of anticipation which builds sexual tension between two people.  From her perspective foreplay is essentially about playing.  It can include a look, a gesture, banter, a text, and so on (see her book, Mating in Captivity: Reconciling the Erotic and the Domestic).  

There is more information available today from books and podcasts about enhancing sexual pleasure than ever before, but there's still not enough.  Complicating the matter, most sex education programs in the US are only focused on prevention and disease.  While this is important information, a comprehensive sex education program needs to include education about sexual pleasure--not just the potential problems that can occur during sex.

Due to the lack of information about pleasure in sex education programs, many people, especially young men, get most of their information about sex from watching porn, which gives a distorted perspective about sexual pleasure.  For instance, in heterosexual porn the woman is usually shown as being ready to have sex immediately without any prior sexual stimulation.  

Another important contributing factor is that many women don't understand their own anatomy.  This isn't women's fault.  Again, it gets back to the lack of information in sex education programs and taboos around women discovering what gives them sexual pleasure (see my articles: Sexual Pleasure - The Erotic Self - Part 1 and Part 2).  Also see Betty Dodson's book, Sex For One: The Joy of Selfloving).

In addition, many women suffer with dyspareunia, which is painful sex during intercourse due to physical and/or psychological issues.  Dyspareunia often goes untreated because women are too ashamed to get help and/or the medical community sometimes, unwittingly, sets up obstacles to appropriate medical treatment, which often consists of seeing a physical therapist who specializes in pelvic floor issues (see Heather Jeffcoat's book, Sex Without Pain).

Another problem is that many couples feel too ashamed to talk to each other about sex.  Many of these problems, including the most common one, discrepancies in sexual desire, could be overcome if couples learned to discuss what they like and don't like sexually (see my articles:  How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex - Part 1 and Part 2).

Conclusion

There needs to be a rethinking of sexual foreplay as more than the preclude or the "opening act" to intercourse but as an essential part of sex.

To improve sex between heterosexual men and women there needs to be: 

• More and better sex education, including cliteracy, about sexual pleasure for women and men

• Psychoeducation for women about their bodies and that they are deserving of sexual pleasure

• Improved communication about sex between heterosexual men and women

• Improved access to appropriate medical and psychological care for women who experience sexual pain or other sexual problems 

• Men who are willing to prioritize their female partner's sexual pleasure

• A willingness for couples to talk openly about what they enjoy sexually

Getting Help in Therapy

The psychological and emotional toll that sexual problems cause can exact a big toll for individuals and people in relationships. 

Many relationships end unnecessarily because couples don't know how to talk about sex with their partner.  As a result, longstanding problems go unaddressed, resentment builds and people feel they have no other option but to end the relationship.

If you're struggling with unresolved issues, you're not alone.  Reach out for help.  

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to work through these issues so you can have a more fulfilling life.  Help is a phone call away.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during regular business hours or email me.

Sex Tips For Men: How Men Can Be Better Sex Partners With Women

Generally, men and women are different when it comes to sexual arousal. Foreplay is an important part of sex, especially for women.  Unlike most men, who become sexually aroused easily, with certain exceptions, most women take longer to get aroused. So, men need to take their time and focus on women first if they want to have a mutually satisfying sex life (see my article: Developing and Maintaining a Happy Relationship).

Sex Tips For Men: How Men Can Be Better Sex Partners With Women

A Woman's Body is More Complicated Than a Man's Body: The Orgasm Gap

One of the biggest complaints that women who come for couples counseling have is that their partners don't take the time to please them during sex.  

Most men can have an erection on command.  According to the Journal of Sexual Medicine, the average man can have an orgasm in as little as 5 minutes, but the average woman it can take 17 minutes to reach orgasm.

Given the orgasm gap, if the average man skips foreplay during sex, their partners will be just starting to warm up when he has his orgasm, which would make sex frustrating and not as enjoyable for the woman.  

Sex Tips For Men

• Number 1 Tip: Ladies First: If you want to have sex that's satisfying for both of you, focus your attention on the woman: Ladies first--before thinking about your own sexual gratification.  Don't be selfish (see tips below).

• Every Woman is Different: Get to know what she likes before you have sex with her. Don't make assumptions.  If she's open to having sex with you and you know you have consent, ask her what she likes.  Ask her to share her sexual fantasies with you and share your fantasies with her. 

• Be Clean and Well Groomed: There are few things that are more of a sexual turn off for a woman than being with a man who hasn't taken the time to get clean and well groomed.  

• Foreplay Can Start Before You Get Into the Bedroom: Foreplay can start before you even see her. If the two of you have been apart most of the day, assuming this isn't a hook up with someone you've just met, let her know that you're thinking about her.  

• Create an Environment for Enjoyable Sex: Rather than just "jumping right in," create the right environment for good sex.  Before you invite her into your bedroom, take the time to tidy up.  If the room is a mess, you might be able to ignore it, but it might be distracting for her, and you don't want distractions while the two of you are having sex. No distractions also means you turn off and put away your phone, turn off the TV and close your computer.  Clean sheets, low lights and music are conducive to relaxing and having good sex and will help to create the mood. 

• Sexual Pleasure Begins in the Brain: The brain knows two types of sexual pleasure: Anticipation and consummation. During anticipatory pleasure, pleasure builds up in anticipation of the sexual pleasure (this is also true for other forms of pleasure, like the anticipation of eating a delicious meal). During consummatory pleasure, you feel pleasure of getting what you've been craving. To have more satisfying sex, you want to build the anticipation as much a possible.  Usually, more the sexual tension builds up, the more pleasurable the orgasm will be.

• Take Your Time When You Get Undressed: When you're in the mood for sex, your first inclination might be to rip off your clothes and jump into bed.  But this is rarely sexually arousing for women. It makes you look sexually inexperienced and as if you don't care about her sexual needs. So, instead of rushing to take off your clothes, take your time.  You don't have to do a striptease for her (although this could be powerfully arousing).  Just slow down as you take off each article of clothing so the sexual tension builds up for her.

• Get Educated and Don't Go Right For Clitoris Before She's Sexually Aroused: Every woman is going to be different.  The clitoris is amazing, but most women need to be kissed and caressed first before you dive right for the clitoris.  The clitoris is also easy to find even for sexually inexperienced men. The inner labia (the lips) form a hood over the clitoris, which protects the clitoris from direct stimulation. For most women, the clitoris is a small bud that protrudes outward slightly.  Compared to the penis glans, the tip of the clitoris has twice as many nerve endings--15,000, so it's highly sensitive to touch and sexual arousal. As a result, the clitoris is crucial for sexual orgasm for most women.

• Get Educated and Don't Go Right For the G-spot Before She's Sexually Aroused: The G-spot, which was named after a German gynecologist, Dr. Ernst Grafenberg, is a little harder to find than the clitoris because it's inside the vagina. It's a slightly bumpy spot about 2 inches inside the vagina.  Even though the G-spot has been studied since the 1940s, there's still a disagreement as to whether it's a continuation of the clitoris or not. Even some women might be unfamiliar as to exactly where their G-spot begins, but the two of you can have fun with locating it during foreplay.  After she has warmed up to sex, then you can stimulate her clitoris and G-spot.  Assuming she likes this, it can be immensely pleasurable for her.

• Learn to Delay Your Orgasm: As previously mentioned, there is an orgasm gap between most women and men. So, to have more satisfying sex, learn to delay your orgasm (read about and learn the Squeeze Technique and the Stop and Start Technique).

• Be Respectful of Your Partner: Take your time and be respectful of your partner. Be aware that many women have body issues due to emotional trauma and pressures that society puts on them to look and be a certain way.  Some women also experience "slut shaming" or get called "'hoes" because they enjoy sex.  Communicate and find out what's going on with your partner both before and after sex.

Getting Help in Therapy

Sexual problems is one of the major problems that people talk about in couples therapy.  

In relationships where one partner isn't willing to go for couples therapy, individuals often come to therapy on their own to cope with the problem.

If you and your partner are having problems with your sex life, you can benefit from seeking help from a licensed mental health professional.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Therapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.