Expanding Your Perspective About 1ntimacy

Many people think of sex as being exclusively penis-in-vagina (also known as P-in-V), but sex is so much more than P-in-V (see my article: Understanding Your Sex Script).

Expanding Your Perspective About Intimacy

P-in-V sex for heterosexual couples is one aspect of sex, but it's important to develop a broader perspective about sex, which is the purpose of this article.

Why Is It Important to Develop a Broader Perspective About Sex?

A broader perspective about sex includes:

• A Validation of Non-Penetrative Activities: Non-penetrative sex is also called "outercourse" to distinguish it from intercourse. There are many other non-penetrative sexual activities that are pleasurable. These activities are often referred to as "foreplay", but that word diminishes sexual activities that many people prefer. It's also a narrow heteronormative view of sex that invalidates what many people like (see my article: Changing Your Sex Script).

Expanding Your Perspective About Intimacy

• An Improvement in Sexual Satisfaction, Especially For Women: The majority of women don't orgasm from penetrative sex alone. Many of them require clitoral stimulation to have an orgasm or for sex to even be pleasurable. Expanding the definition of sex to include other forms of sexual stimulation can lead to more fulfilling sexual experiences for women (see my article: To Improve Intimacy, Get Off the Sexual Staircase).

Expanding Your Perspective About Intimac

• LGBTQIA+ Experiences: Defining sex as P-in-V invalidates the experiences of gay, lesbian, bisexual, trans, queer and asexual people. An expanded perspective of sex includes all consensual pleasurable activities between partners.

• A Non-Performative Perspective on Sex: Focusing exclusively on penetrative sex can create pressure, anxiety and stress. For instance, when sex is seen as solely penetrative, it can place a lot of pressure on men to maintain an erection, which can develop into an anxiety spiral that creates problems with erections. Broadening the definition of sex allows partners to focus on mutual pleasure rather than performance (see my article: What is Performative Sex?).

Expanding Your Perspective About Intimacy

• An Accommodation For Different Abilities and Preferences: For people who have different sexual abilities due to aging, physical pain or other conditions, non-performative sex can be a fulfilling alternative. It also offers other options for couples who might prefer other sexual activities than penetrative sex (see my article: 5 Common Myths About Sex in Long Term Relationships).

Expanding Your Perspective About Intimacy

• An Increase in Emotional Intimacy: Non-performative sex (or outercourse) can enhance emotional connection by emphasizing communication, exploration and intimacy without the pressure of performative sex (see my article: Emotional Vulnerability as a Pathway to Greater Emotional and Sexual Intimacy).

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Many individual adults and couples would like to broaden their sexual activities, but they don't know where to start.

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy where a sex therapist focuses on sexual issues (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

There are no physical exams, nudity or sex during sex therapy sessions. 

If you have been having sexual problems you haven't been able to resolve on your own, you could benefit from seeking help from a licensed mental health professional who is a sex therapist.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help in sex therapy so you can have a more fulfilling sex life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT Couples Therapist, Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

What is Erotic Empathy?

The term "erotic empathy" was coined by Canadian psychotherapist Amanda Luterman, founder of the Centre for Erotic Empathy, as she observed couples struggling to understand each other sexually (see my article: Don't Yuk Anybody's Yum).

Developing Erotic Empathy

What is Empathy?

Before delving into the meaning of erotic empathy, let's define the meaning of the word "empathy."

As psychotherapists in training learn early on, empathy is an essential part of working with clients in psychotherapy (see my article: Why is Empathy Important in Therapy?).

Empathy has been defined in many ways and it includes a wide range of experiences. 

Emotion researchers define empathy as the ability to sense other people's emotions and to imagine what other people might be thinking and feeling.

Empathy is the first step in experiencing compassion.

Researchers believe that empathy has an important evolutionary history among mammals for cooperation and survival.

Researchers describe different types of empathy:

• Affective Empathy: The ability to experience sensations and feelings derived from other people's emotions

• Cognitive Empathy (also called Perspective Taking): The ability to identify and understand other people's emotions

What is Erotic Empathy?

Erotic empathy is the ability to communicate your emotional and sexual needs to your partner as well as the ability to understand their needs.  

Developing Erotic Empathy

Erotic empathy does not mean that you do things you don't want to do sexually or that you expect your partner to do things they don't want to do (see my article: What Are the Basic Rules of Sexual Consent?).

But when either of you suggests doing something the other doesn't want to do, erotic empathy means you don't criticize, show contempt or respond with disgust (see my article: How to Improve Your Communication By Avoiding the "4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse").

Why is Erotic Empathy Important in Your Relationship?

Good communication is essential to a healthy relationship.

It's often hard for people to talk about what they want sexually, so if you respond to your partner with criticism, contempt or disgust, you could shut your partner down and make it that much harder for them to talk to you about sex the next time (see my article: How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex - Part 1 and Part 2).

Developing Erotic Empathy

Rejecting sexual suggestions without compassion is hurtful to your partner. Feeling rejected, your partner might withdraw emotionally and sexually from you (see my article: Coping With Sexual Rejection From Your Partner).

The outcome could be that you both get stuck in a rut following the same boring sex script indefinitely (see my article: What is Sexual Boredom in Long Term Relationships?).

And just like you probably wouldn't want to eat your favorite meal every day from now until forever, you would get tired of engaging in the same sexual acts all the time (see my article: How to Change Your Sex Script).

Clinical Vignette About Erotic Empathy

The following clinical vignette is a composite of many different cases with all identifying information removed. It illustrates how a couple can learn to develop and use erotic empathy.

Bill and Lena

One day Lena came in the house after doing yard work. Her husband, Bill, gave her a hug and said, "The kids will be out for a few hours. Let's have sex."  

Inwardly, Lena groaned. She felt sweaty and dirty from doing yard work. Having sex while she felt this way was the last thing she wanted to do so she told him, "Forget it! How could you even suggest having sex while I'm such a mess."  

Then she saw the hurt look on his face, but she didn't know what to say, so she left the room to take a shower.  

While she was showering, she had time to think and she felt badly about rejecting Bill. She thought she should talk to him about it, but when she went back into the living room, she saw Bill was on his computer finishing up some work.  When he didn't look up when she walked into the room, she took that as a sign that he didn't want to talk and she went to the kitchen to start dinner.  

After a few more incidents like this, Bill stopped initiating sex and Lena felt too uncomfortable initiating.  As a result, months went by and neither of them felt comfortable initiating sex or even bringing up the topic.  

Then, one day, after feeling increasingly uncomfortable, Lena blurted out that they should attend sex therapy because their sex life had become nonexistent, and Bill agreed.

Their sex therapist helped them to understand their feelings and why it was so hard for them to talk about sex.  

She also helped them to develop erotic empathy for each other so that, instead of rejecting each other sexually, they learned to start by being open and getting curious.  

After they went over the incident with their sex therapist where Lena rejected Bill, they learned a different way to communicate with each other.

Lena said, "I realize how I responded to Bill was hurtful. The truth is I enjoy sex with Bill, but I just felt so dirty and smelly that I needed to take a shower.  I wish I would've told him, 'I would love to have sex with you. Let me take a shower first and then let's meet in the bedroom.'"  Then, turning to Bill, she said, "I'm sorry I rejected you. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings."

As Bill turned towards Lena and put his arm around her, he said, "I wouldn't have minded if you were dirty and smelly. I think it might've even been a turn-on for me, but I understand you didn't feel comfortable, so I would've been happy to wait while you took a shower. I'm sorry I didn't understand how you were feeling."

As part of their sex therapy homework, Bill and Lena practiced developing erotic empathy with each other as part of improving their communication.

As part of expanding their sexual repertoire, over time, Lena and Bill learned to overcome their shame and discomfort with talking about sex so they could communicate more effectively with each other and expand their sexual repertoire (see my article: Changing Your Sex Script: The Beginning Phase - Sexual Arousal).

At one point, their sex therapist gave them a Yes, No, Maybe list to see what sexual activities they both would like to add to their sexual repertoire.  

The list had over 100 sexual activities with a scale of 0-5 with 0 indicating no interest, 5 indicating a strong interest and the rest of the scale being a spectrum indicating various degrees of interest or disinterest (see my article: Creating Your Sexual Menu With a Yes, No, Maybe List).

Each of them filled it out separately and then brought their filled out list to their next sex therapy session.  

Their sex therapist helped them to start by adding the sexual activities where they both had a strong interest (5 on the Yes, No, Maybe List).

There was a clear understanding that neither of them had to do anything they didn't want to do, but they had to communicate with erotic empathy.

As they included more items from the list as part of their sexual repertoire, they talked about it in their sex therapy sessions.  

There were times when they both enjoyed a sexual activity they explored. There were also other times when one of them enjoyed it and the other one thought they would enjoy it but, once they tried it, they didn't.  

Each time, they learned how to talk about what they liked and disliked with empathy for the other partner.  

After trying all the #5 items on the Yes, Maybe, No list, they talked about the other items from Level #4 and below.  

At times, it was challenging, but they maintained their sense of openness and curiosity and respected each other's decisions.

Throughout this process, their sex life became more satisfying for both of them.

How to Develop Erotic Empathy

• Develop a Sense of Openness: To start, learn to cultivate a sense of openness about understanding your own and your partner's sexual turn-ons.  Start by understanding your own erotic blueprint.  You can explore your own sexual pleasure through pleasure mapping.  This kind of openness can be difficult if you experience sexual shame and guilt for personal, interpersonal or cultural reasons. Choose your discussion time wisely. Don't try to have a talk about sex when you're tired, rushed or when you don't have privacy. Choose a time when you're both relaxed but not when you're about to have sex because that will cause too much pressure. So, for instance, you can both be sitting on the couch and enjoying each other's company when you bring the discussion.

• Get Curious About Your Own and Your Partner's Sexual Turn-ons: Along with a sense of openness, a sense of curiosity also helps you talk to your partner about what each of you would like. Instead of automatically rejecting your partner's sexual suggestions, ask your partner what s/he likes about a particular sexual activity. If you each understand what makes this sexual act appealing, you might be more willing to try it or, if not, you might come up with a compromise that you both might like and get just as turned on by it (see my article: Getting to Know Your Own and Your Partner's Sexual Brakes and Accelerators).

Developing Erotic Empathy

• Get to Know Your Own and Your Partner's Sexual Turn-offs: Sexual turn-offs can change to turn-ons for some people after they give it a try.  But if not, you each need to respect the other's wishes. So, for instance, if you know you need a little time to decompress after coming home from a stressful day at work, let your partner know this. Be as specific as you can about what you need so your partner will understand. In the same vein, learn to appreciate your partner's needs. Be aware that stress can be a libido killer, so take steps to reduce stress.

• Learn to Experiment and Develop a Willingness to Try New Sexual Activities: As long as it's not a complete turn-off, try to learn to be sexually explorative for sexual activities you and your partner can try. Sometimes you might discover you don't like a particular activity, but at other times you might discover something else that's new to add to your sexual repertoire.

• Know That Discrepancies in Libido Are Normal: You wouldn't expect that you and your partner would always like the same food or the same hobbies, so why would you expect that you would both enjoy the same sexual activities in bed?  Discrepancies in libido are the #1 problem that people in relationships seek help with in sex therapy because one or both partners are unhappy with either the frequency, duration or type of sex they're having. But discrepancies in libido are normal, and you can learn to negotiate these differences with help from a sex therapist (see my article: What is a Sexual Libido Discrepancy in a Relationship?).

• Learn the Difference Between Spontaneous Sexual Desire and Responsive Sexual Desire: Both men and women can experience spontaneous sexual desire or responsive sexual desire. With spontaneous sexual desire, a person can think about sex and get turned on. With responsive sexual desire, a person might have to start having sex to get turned on, but they know from personal experience that once they start having sex, they will get sexually aroused. So, it's important to know how you and your partner each experience sexual desire. If you're the person who tends to experience responsive desire, rather than saying "no" when your partner wants to have sex because you're not immediately turned on, you can explore your own willingness to allow yourself to get sexually aroused after you begin having sex. And if you're the partner who experiences spontaneous desire, you can learn to be patient and allow your partner's sexual desire to build (see my article: For People Who Experience Responsive Sexual Desire, a Willingness to Start Having Sex is Often Enough to Get Sexually Aroused).

• Get Help in Sex Therapy: If you have tried to work on sexual problems on your own and you haven't been successful, you can seek help in sex therapy.  Most individual therapists and couples therapists aren't trained to deal with sexual problems, so you need to seek help specifically from a sex therapist for sexual problems.

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

Many individual adults and couples seek help in sex therapy for a variety of issues (see my article: What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?).

There is no nudity, physical exams or sex during sex therapy sessions (see my article: What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a skilled sex therapist so you can have a more fulfilling sex life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

To Improve Intimacy in Your Relationship, Get Off the Sexual Staircase

In their book, Desire - An Inclusive Guide to Navigating Libido Differences in Relationships, Lauren Fogel Mersey, PsyD and Jennifer A. Vencill, PhD., discuss the "Sexual Staircase" to describe the kind of routine, goal-oriented sex that people engage in when they're having sex with their partner (see my article: Understanding Your Sex Script).

Improve Intimacy in Your Relationship

What is the Sexual Staircase?

According to Mersey and Vencill, the Sexual Staircase, which is a metaphor, is how most people think sex is "supposed to be."

The Sexual Staircase is a list of hierarchical steps that usually start at the bottom of the staircase with foreplay and ends with sexual intercourse and orgasm.

Depending upon the couple, the sexual acts between foreplay and intercourse can include kissing, caressing, genital touch, oral sex, and so on.

For many people in long term relationships these steps don't deviate. They engage in the same steps in the same way most or all of the time.  

After a while, people in long term relationships often skip some of the steps as they prioritize a goal-oriented approach that always ends with penetrative sex and strives for orgasm.  

Having sex the same way all the time becomes boring after a while (see my article: What is Sexual Boredom in Long Term Relationships?).

What's the Problem With the Sexual Staircase?

If you and your partner enjoy doing the same thing, the same way all of the time and neither of you have a problem with it, then there's nothing wrong with the Sexual Staircase for you.

But many people find this approach to be too routine and unfulfilling.  The problem is that they think this is the way they're supposed to do it, so they just keep doing it the same way.

People who find the Sexual Staircase boring, sexually unfulfilling or not applicable to them often have the following problems with it:

• It's a heteronormative sex script that focuses on cisgender heterosexual men. For heterosexual men, sexual intercourse is one of the most reliable ways to have an orgasm, but this isn't the case for most women (see below).

• It assumes that most people want penis-in-vagina sex even though there are many people who don't want it or it doesn't work for them because of problems with dyspareunia (persistent or recurrent genital pain that occurs during penetrative sex) or erectile unpredictability (a persistent or recurrent problem with getting and maintaining an erect penis) or because they're not heterosexual (see below).

• Sexual intercourse is the least reliable way for most women to have orgasms because they need direct clitoral stimulation, which they often don't get from sexual intercourse or clitoral stimulation is skipped altogether (see my articles: Closing the Orgasm Gap - Part 1 and Part 2).

• The Sexual Staircase emphasizes goal-oriented, performative sex instead of focusing on sexual pleasure (see my article: What is Performative Sex and Why Is It a Problem?).

• In many long term relationships, the Sexual Staircase gets shorter and shorter over time so that there is little or no foreplay, which has a negative impact of women's sexual pleasure. The focus becomes getting sex over and done with it as quickly as possible because it's unsatisfying.

• In addition to problems with painful sex and erectile unpredictability, penetrative sex isn't always possible for a variety of reasons, including childbirth, certain disabilities, age-related physical limitations, surgery or other types of problems.

• When penetrative sex isn't possible (for whatever reason), many couples skip having sex altogether because penetrative sex is the only way they know how to have sex.  Over time, one or both of them become frustrated and dissatisfied.

• The heteronormativity of this model isn't useful for LGBTQ people, as previously mentioned. Many LGBTQ people assume that since they're not having penis-in-vagina sex, they're not having "real sex," which, of course, is false.  This often leads to feelings of shame, guilt and self consciousness about their sexual orientation.

The Wheel Model

The authors of Desire cite the Wheel Model, which was inspired by Robert T. Francoeur in his book, Becoming a Sexual Person (1991).

Picture a wheel that's divided into different sections with sexual activities represented in a non-hierarchical way.  

Rather than the linear, hierarchical model represented in the Sexual Staircase, in the Wheel Model none of the sexual activities has a higher priority over any of the others.  Other than sexual pleasure, there are no goals, which usually means less pressure for both people and more enjoyment.

In addition, with the Wheel Model, people can engage flexibly pick and chooe what they like, in whatever order they like without being constrained to the rigid model of the Sexual Staircase.

The authors provide an example of what sexual activities might be included in the Wheel Model:

• Kissing
• Caressing
• Touching
• Massaging
• Using a sex toy
• Showering together
• Cuddling
• Oral sex
• Orgasm
• Penetrative sex
• Manual stimulation

And more.

The sexual activities included with the Wheel Model are only limited by your imagination.

But this is not to say that you and your partner should engage in the activities they write about or that you should stop having sexual intercourse if it's enjoyable to both of you.  You can do whatever you both enjoy.

The Wheel Model helps to dispel the myth that there's one right way to have sex or that everyone should have the same predetermined sex script.  

Making Changes to Your Sex Script

Once again, I want to reiterate that if you and your partner are happy with your sex script, you can continue using it without a problem.

But if you're stuck in a routine and you're getting tired of doing the same thing over and over again, consider how you can work towards making changes  in your sex script (see my article: Changing Your Sex Script).

As Emily Nagoski, PhD., sex educator and author of the book, Come As You Are, says, "Pleasure is the measure."

This means "good sex" is what's pleasurable for both of you.

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

A skilled sex therapist can help you to overcome sexual problems.

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy where the focus is on sex and relational problems getting in the way of sexual enjoyment (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

Individuals and couples seek help in sex therapy for a variety of reasons (see my article: What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?).

There is no nudity, physical exam or sex during sex therapy sessions (see my article: What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?)

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help in sex therapy so you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

 

Faking Orgasms Can Ruin Your Relationship

In a 2019 research study by Indiana University, researchers discovered that 58% of women admitted to faking an orgasm at some point.  However, it's interesting to also note that the vast majority of those women reported that they no longer fake orgasms.  

Faking an Orgasm Can Ruin Your Relationship

These findings raise interesting questions as to why women felt the need to fake orgasms in the first place and why many of these women stopped.

Why Do Women Fake Orgasms?

Women cited many reasons why they faked orgasms, including because they wanted:

• To make their partner feel better
• To prevent a partner they liked from feeling bad about sex
• To end sex because they were tired

Why Did Many of These Women Stop Faking Orgasms?

Women reported that they stopped faking orgasms because they now feel:

• More confident in themselves and their identity as women
• More comfortable with sex
• Secure enough in their relationship that they no longer feel the need to fake it

How Can Faking Orgasms Ruin Your Relationship?

There are many reasons why faking orgasms on an ongoing basis can be detrimental to your relationship:

• It's Dishonest: Faking orgasms is a form of deception. That might not be a woman's intention, but it's still a lie.

• It Creates a Barrier to Emotional Intimacy: When there is a lie between you and your partner, this creates an obstacle to emotional intimacy. Even if the partner doesn't know about the lie, the woman knows and this often makes her feel guilty and ashamed, which is a barrier to emotional intimacy (see my article: Vulnerability as a Pathway to Greater Emotional Intimacy).

• Sex Won't Get Better: If a woman's partner thinks the woman is having orgasms, there's no reason to make changes in the sex script to improve sex. That means that if the woman isn't experiencing satisfying sex, the sex will remain unsatisfying.

What to Do If You Want to Stop Faking Orgasms

• Stop Pretending You're Enjoying Sex That's Not Pleasurable to You: This decision is up to you. Both of you deserve to have pleasurable sex and, if you've been faking orgasms, you're not giving yourself to a chance to have good sex and your partner thinks you're enjoying sex when you're not. Once you stop faking, your partner is likely to ask questions and this would be an opportunity for you to get honest.

• Have an Open and Honest Conversation With Your Partner: Once again, this is your choice. You can continue faking orgasms, and nothing will change, which means that you'll continue to have less than satisfying sex. Or, if you decide you want to stop faking, you can get honest with yourself and your partner. Sure, it will be hard and somewhat humiliating to admit you've been faking it, but after you get over the embarrassment and your partner gets over their reaction, there's a chance to improve your sex life and your relationship (see my article: How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex - Part 1 and Part 2).

• Talk to Your Partner About Making Changes to Your Sex Script: Instead of remaining stuck in a sexual rut, talk to your partner about your sexual turn-ons as well as your turn-offs. Then, ask your partner about their turn-ons and turn-offs. There's a possibility that your partner might feel badly about doing things sexually that actually turned you off, but if you're in a otherwise stable relationship, there's also a chance the two of you can work things out so you can improve your communication going forward and sex will be more satisfying for both of you (see my article: Changing Your Sex Script).

• Seek Help in Sex Therapy: Two of the most common problems that bring couples to sex therapy is unsatisfying sex and discrepant sexual desire. When you get help from a sex therapist, you and your partner can learn to get comfortable with talking about sex and discovering new ways to improve your sex life.

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Sex therapy is talk therapy (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

There is no nudity, physical exams or sex during sex therapy sessions (see my article: What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

As mentioned above, there are many reasons to seek help from a skilled sex therapist (see my article: What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?)

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help in sex therapy so you can have a more fulfilling sex life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

 

Relationships: What If You and Your Partner Have Different Sexual Initiation Styles?

In my last article, Relationships: What is Your Sexual Initiation Style?, I introduced the idea of sexual initiation styles.  In the current article, I'm addressing a problem that frequently comes up in sex therapy, which is dealing with different sexual initiation styles in your relationship.

Sexual Initiation Styles

Disclaimer: Before I continue, I want to remind people that this is a short article with general information for a complex topic, and there is no one-size-fits-all answer for everyone. This article isn't a substitute for therapy. The best way to resolve your sexual problems is to seek help directly from a sex therapist.

Similar to some of the previous articles, the information in this article is based on what I have observed in my sex therapy private practice in New York City as well as Vanessa Marin's wonderful book, Sex Talks.

Recap of Sexual Initiation Styles

In the previous article, I discussed the different sexual initiation styles in detail as they are outlined in Ms. Marin's book.  As I mentioned in the last article, there is no one style that's better than another.

You or your partner might not fit neatly into one category or another. You might be a combination of categories or maybe sometimes one or both of you might be more in the mood to initiate in a certain way that's different from how you normally initiate.

What's most important is for you and your partner to start thinking about these initiation styles to become aware of them and how to make them work for you as a couple.

As a recap, Ms. Marin discusses the following sexual initiation styles in her book (for a more detailed explanation, see my previous article):

• "Excite Me" (The Slow Burn): You like sexual energy to simmer and build over time (see my article: The Sex Drive Simmer).

• "Take Care of Me" (The Caretaker): You need to feel nurtured by your partner.

• "Play With Me" (Let's Have Some Fun): You get sexually turned on when your partner is playful and fun.

• "Desire Me" (Wanting to Be Wanted): To get in the mood for sex, you need to feel desired.

• "Connect With Me" (Let's Talk): You need emotional intimacy before sexual intimacy.

• "Touch Me" (Hold Me, Thrill Me, Kiss Me): You get turned on by physical touch, which makes you feel sexually alive.

What If You and Your Partner Have Different Sexual Initiation Styles?

For many people just thinking about their sexual initiation style is daunting. It takes self reflection and feedback from your partner.  This would be the same for your partner.

Although it might seem intimidating at first, knowing your own and your partner's sexual initiation style can resolve many sexual problems that couples have.

For instance, if you're turned off by a partner who approaches you without any foreplay and says, "Hey babe, do you wanna do it?," it's helpful to be able to tell your partner how you prefer to be approached (see my article: How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex - Part 1 and Part 2).

Different Sexual Initiation Styles

On the other hand, you might be someone who gets turned on by the "Do you wanna do it?" approach. But for many people, especially women, this would be a turn off (see my article: Based on Sex Research: What Gets Women Sexually Turned On?).

Similarly, if you're the one who always initiates, you might wonder if your partner is just having sex to appease you. You might want your partner to initiate sex sometimes just to know your partner wants you sexually, and you need to be able to communicate this to your partner.

According to Ms. Marin, it's best to think of sexual initiation as an invitation. 

She provides an interesting example that often doesn't work for couples who haven't had sex in a while where one partner, who is anxious about initiating sex says something like, "Gee, we haven't had sex in a while. You don't wanna do it, do you?" in a half-hearted way.

Not only is this awkward for both people, it's also not much an invitation at all.

As a comparison, she mentions that most people wouldn't invite a friend out to dinner in a similarly half-hearted way, "Gee we haven't seen each other in a while. You wouldn't wanna go out to dinner, would you?"

Instead, if you wanted to see your friend and you looked forward to having dinner with them, you would be a lot more enthusiastic. Aside from providing a more enthusiastic invitation, you might tell your friend about the great new Italian restaurant in the neighborhood with delicious ravioli as a way to entice them to go.

Similarly, your invitation to your partner needs to be enticing and also make them feel sexually desirable and turned on (see my articles: What is Your Erotic Blueprint? - Part 1 and Part 2).

Clinical Vignette: A Couple With Different Sexual Initiation Styles

The following clinical scenario is based on a composite of cases with all identifying information removed. The scenario illustrates how each partner learns about their own and their partner's sexual initiation style in sex therapy and how this improves their sex life:

Nina and John

A year into their relationship, after the new relationship energy had worn off, Nina and John began having sexual problems.

During the first several months of their relationship, they both felt sexually passionate so it didn't matter who initiated or how they initiated because they were both eager to have sex with each other all the time.

This initial phase of a relationship is called the limerence phase--an involuntary period when two people are infatuated and often obsessed with each other.  Generally, the limerence phase lasts anywhere from three months to two years.

After Nina and John moved in together and they had more mundane concerns, like who cleans the bathroom and who takes out the garbage. Seeing each other everyday and dealing with the realities of everyday life caused the sexual energy between them to cool down--as it does for most couples after the limerence phase.

Both of them were in their mid-30s and neither of them had ever been in a long term relationship before, so they never experienced what it was like to go beyond the limerence phase of a relationship.

After a year, sex was awkward between them. Nina often felt exhausted late at night and she resented when John would tap on her thigh when they were in bed together late at night as a way to initiate sex.

Most of the time, Nina would tell John she was just too tired. But on those occasions when she agreed to have sex, she wasn't turned on at all. She just went along with it to please him--hoping that he would have an orgasm so she could go to sleep.  

John was aware that Nina wasn't turned on and this made him anxious. Sometimes the anxiety and the feeling that Nina didn't want him sexually would cause him to lose his erection due to his sexual anxiety (see my article: How Sex Therapy Can Help With Sexual Anxiety).

So, due to feeling rejected and anxious and a fear of losing his erection, John rushed through sex as quickly as he could. He didn't engage in any foreplay because he knew that Nina wanted to just get it over with so she could go to sleep.

Afterwards, they each laid in bed feeling empty and alone before they drifted off to sleep.  Since they didn't know how to talk to each other about sex, the problem worsened over time.

Eventually, after a few months went by without sex, John summoned the courage to tell Nina that they needed to get help in sex therapy for their problem.  He was relieved when Nina agreed.

After the initial family and sexual history taking phase of sex therapy, their sex therapist explained the limerence phase and how sex tends to be less spontaneous and passionate than it was before. 

She also explained that, based on how each of them described their sexuality, Nina experienced responsive sexual desire and John experienced spontaneous sexual desire, which was a big part of the problem between them (see my article: Spontaneous Sexual Desire and Responsive Sexual Desire Are Both Normal).

Then, their sex therapist went over their typical sex script, which didn't vary much from one sexual encounter to the next, and Nina and John both began to realize why sex wasn't working for them (see my article: Understanding Your Sex Script).

Over time, Nina and John learned what turned each of them on and what turned each of them off (see my article: Understanding Your Sexual Accelerators and Brakes).

John realized that Nina just went along with sex because she was usually too tired when he initiated sex late at night and she wasn't turned on.

Nina realized when John saw that she was just trying to get it over with, he felt anxious and rejected.

As they continued to attend their sex therapy sessions, they both learned how they each liked sex to be initiated.

Nina realized she needed to feel emotionally connected to John first before she became sexually aroused because her style was "Connect With Me." She told John that she needed to re-establish the emotional connection with him when they both got home from work before feeling comfortable enough to enjoy sex.  

She also needed to have sex earlier in the evening. And, like most women, she didn't have an orgasm from just sexual intercourse--she needed clitoral stimulation (see my article: Closing the Orgasm Gap Between Heterosexual Women and Men).

John realized that he was more of a "Touch Me" sexual style.  All he needed was Nina to touch him--even in a non-sexual way--and that touch combined with his spontaneous sexual desire was enough to get him turned on if he knew Nina wanted to have sex.  They were also able to talk about those times when he felt anxious about initiating with her and how that resulted in his loss of an erection.

Their sex therapist encouraged John and Nina to change their sex script (see my article: Changing Your Sex Script).

Since Nina needed more time to get sexually aroused, the sex therapist encouraged John to slow down, take the time to connect with Nina after they both got home from work and allow  sexual foreplay to take precedence over intercourse (see my article: Rethinking Foreplay as More Than Just a Prelude to Sexual Intercourse).  

She encouraged John and Nina to be more playful in their sexual exploration and not to assume that their initial attempts would be successful right away.

After a while, John was still primarily the one who initiated sex, which both he and Nina didn't mind.  But he was much more aware of what Nina needed in terms of his sexual initiation to feel sexually turned on.  He spent more time with sexual foreplay, including oral sex. 

Combining Sexual Initiation Styles

And, once she was turned on, Nina enjoyed engaging in John's preferred "Touch Me" style.  On days when she initiated sex, Nina was able to ask John to cuddle and talk with her first before she did what she knew got him turned on, including oral sex.

When John felt how much Nina wanted him, he no longer felt anxious and rejected so he didn't have erectile problems.

Although it might sound like they were able to resolve their sexual problems in a short time, in reality, discovering your own and your partner's sexual likes and dislikes takes time. 

For many couples just being able to talk about sex is a major obstacle to overcome.

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

There is no touch, physical exam or sex during sex therapy sessions (see my article: What Are the Most Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?).

Individuals and couples seek help for a variety of reasons (see my article: What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?).

If you're struggling with sexual problems, rather than struggling on your own, seek help in sex therapy so you can have a more enjoyable sex life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email.

Sexual Wellness: Savoring Pleasure

Just like a delicious meal is best appreciated by savoring it, slow intense sex is much more pleasurable than rushed sex (see my articles: Mindful Sex and What is Rec-Relational Sex?).

Savoring Pleasure

Although there's a time and place for fun quickies, a longer sexual buildup adds to pleasure and can lead to more intense orgasms (see my articles: Rethinking Foreplay as Just a Prelude to Intercourse and Closing the Orgasm Gap Between Women and Men - Part 1 and Part 2).

Savoring Pleasure

When it comes to pleasurable experiences, delicious food and good sex have a lot in common. With delicious food, you might think of it as starting with a much-anticipated reservation at your favorite restaurant.  

The pleasure of this experience begins after you've gotten the reservation and you're thinking about what you'll wear, how you'll slowly sip your favorite wine before appetizers arrive, being made to feel special by your server, the ambiance, choosing your favorite food, enjoying every tasty morsel, and pacing your experience to enjoy every moment.

Many individuals and couples who come to see me in my psychotherapy private practice in New York City tell me that they don't have time for sex and, even when they have time, they're too exhausted.  

Others say that the thought of scheduling a time for sex feels unnatural and they think it should happen spontaneously. But when they try to be more spontaneous, it doesn't happen--except, maybe, when they're on vacation.

Scheduling time to have sex might feel counterintuitive at first, but when you know you have the time and privacy to enjoy sexual pleasure, you can relax more and give yourself over to a pleasurable experience.  You'll enjoy sex so much more when you're free of your usual responsibilities.

In addition, scheduling time for sex often increases the anticipation and buildup of sexual pleasure. 

For instance, if you and your partner plan to have sex on a Saturday night while your children are staying with your parents, you and your partner can fantasize about what you want to do together, which massage oil and sex toys you'll use, and which sexual positions will be most fun (see my articles: Accessing Your Sexual Energy, Discovering Your Peak Sexual Experiences and Reviving Your Sex Life With Your Peak Sexual Experiences).

Other couples, who have been together for a long time, complain in couples therapy that they've become so bored with their sex life that they've just stopped having sex (see my articles: Improving Sexual Intimacy in a Long Term Relationship and Overcoming Sexual Boredom in a Long Term Relationship).

Changing Your Sex Script

It's easy to get into a sexual rut where you're doing the same things and deriving less pleasure from them (see my articles: Changing Your Sex Script - Part 1: Sexual Arousal, Part 2: The Beginning Phase, Part 3: Understanding Sexual Motivation).

When you have time to be sexually intimate, you want to pace yourself in much the same way you would pace yourself when you're enjoying a special delicious meal.  

You can enhance your experience by using Sensate Focus techniques, which were originally developed by Masters and Johnson:

• Taking Turns With Hand-riding: Hand-riding begins with non-genital touch. The partner being touched places a hand on top of the hand of the partner who is touching and gently guides them on how they like to be touched--where, how much pressure, etc. 

• Adding Lotion or Massage Oil: According to Masters and Johnson, one way to increase pleasure is to change the medium of touch.  So, adding lotion or oil can add a new dimension to make touch more pleasurable.

• Mutual Touch: Using hands, lips and tongue, you explore each other's bodies at the same time (rather than taking turns during the initial stage of Sensate Focus with hand-riding).

• Sensual Intercourse: Masters and Johnson emphasized sensuality, so they used the phrase "sensual intercourse" instead of "sexual intercourse."  Rather than beginning with sexual thrusting, sensual intercourse focuses on first experiencing the sensations of warmth and touch, like brushing genitals against each other.

Savoring Pleasure During Solo Sex

Savoring sexual pleasure isn't just for couples.  

Whether you're in a relationship or not, as I mentioned in my article Sexual Pleasure and Developing the Erotic Self, you can also enjoy solo sex by taking the time to discover what's pleasurable to you.  Knowing what you enjoy sexually can also enhance partnered sex.

Getting Help in Therapy

Many individuals and couples need help to establish or revive their sex life, but they feel too ashamed to seek help (see my article: Why It's Important to Talk to Your Therapist About Problems With Sex).

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to overcome the barriers that keep you from having a more fulfilling life, so rather than struggling on your own, seek help.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.