How to Make 0ral S£x Great For Her

Oral sex can be one of the most pleasurable, exciting and intimate experiences between two people--whether it's cunnilingus for women or fellatio for men (see my article: Closing the Orgasm Gap Between Men and Women).

How to Make Oral Sex Great For Her

In this article I'm focusing on cunnilingus, which is oral sex for women, and I'll focus on fellatio, oral sex for men, in a future article.

There's a great book by Sex Therapist Ian Kerner, Ph.D., LMFT, called She Comes First, that provides excellent tips for cunnilingus.  If you're not familiar with this book, check it out. It's available wherever books are sold.

What is Cunnilingus?

Cunnilingus is oral sex for women.

It can involve the giver using their mouth and tongue to stimulate the vulva, vagina and, specifically, the clitoris. This means sucking, licking, and nibbling--depending upon what she likes.

Why is Cunnilingus Important For Most Women?

Cunnilingus is very pleasurable for most women to receive. 

It can also be very pleasurable for the person who is performing cunnilingus.

Most women need stimulation of the clitoris to have an orgasm and cunnilingus provides clitoral stimulation by the giver using their tongue, mouth and fingers.

Tips on What Makes Oral Sex Great For Women

Here are some tips that can help you:

Shower or Bathe Beforehand

• Shower or Bathe Beforehand: Being clean is essential for all sex. A shower or a bath will also help both of you to relax before sex.

Shower or Bathe Beforehand

• Be Generous: There are some people who enjoy receiving oral sex, but they don't want to give. Sex research indicates this is less likely to occur with lesbians or bisexual women.  So, if you're a heterosexual guy who likes to receive oral sex but you don't like cunnilingus, you need to rethink your attitude. While it's important that no one should do anything they're not comfortable doing, if you're unwilling to perform cunnilingus, don't expect to receive fellatio. It's that simple. This often occurs during casual sex, especially one-night stands where some guys are only focused on their own sexual pleasure (see my article: Can Casual Sex Be Safer and More Satisfying For Heterosexual Women?).

Communicate

• Communicate: Although many women love to receive oral sex, some don't, so you need to know whether your partner likes it or not. Having a conversation before you have sex will let you know your partner's preferences. In addition, if she's into oral sex, ask how she likes it. Many women prefer a slow build up with kissing, touching and attention to other erogenous zones before their partner stimulates their clitoris. Other women might like sucking as opposed to licking or alternating between the two, so find out what she likes beforehand. The conversation can be part of your foreplay. Also be open to feedback while you're performing cunnilingus to maximize her pleasure (see my articles: How to Talk About Sex With Your Partner - Part 1 and Part 2.

Communicate

• Help Her to Relax: Receiving oral sex makes some women feel physically and emotionally vulnerable. So, as much as you can, help her to relax if she's tense. This might mean giving her a massage beforehand, cuddling, talking or the two of you doing a breathing exercise together. Find out from her what helps her to relax. 

Help Her to Relax

Help Her to Relax

• Get Comfortable: Before you perform cunnilingus, make sure you're comfortable. Use pillows to get comfortable if you need them so you don't strain your neck or have to stop suddenly. 

• Use a Dental Dam: If you're in a monogamous relationship and both of you only have sex with each other, you can probably skip using a dental dam. But if you're not completely monogamous or one of you has a sexually transmitted infection or you don't know each other well, use a dental dam. Dental dams are available over the counter or online, so you shouldn't have a hard time finding them.  Also, if one or both of you hasn't been tested in a while, take precautions in the same way you would if one of you had an STI.

• Don't Go Right For the Clitoris (unless that's what she likes): Most women like a build up of sexual tension with kissing, caressing, touching other erogenous zones, and so on, before you focus on the clitoris. Also, be sure to include the labia (the folds of skin that surround the vaginal opening) when you use your tongue and mouth to stimulate her. 

• Vary Your Technique S-l-o-w-l-y: You don't want to ruin the moment if she's about to have an orgasm and you switch too quickly from one type of stimulation to another (like from licking to sucking). You need to be tuned in to your partner to get a sense of how turned on she is or if she is about to have an orgasm. 

• Don't Forget the G-Spot: The clitoris is the only part of a woman's body that is specifically for pleasure. It serves no other biological function, so it's important to understand what it is and how to stimulate it. The pea shaped clitoris that is visible to the eye is only a small part of the clitoris. The rest of the clitoris extends into the vagina. Stimulating a woman's G-spot, which is located about an inch or so inside the vaginal opening on the upper vaginal wall, can add a lot of pleasure. Combining cunnilingus with stimulating the G-spot with your finger at the same time can add a lot of pleasure (see my article: What You Need to Know About the G-spot).

Don't Forget the G-Spot

• Take Your Time, Be Patient and Remain Attuned to Your Partner's Sexual Pleasure: A major mistake people make is thinking they only have to engage in cunnilingus for a few minutes and then they're done. Unless your partner tells you differently, take your time. A few minutes isn't enough time for most women to have an orgasm. Many women take up to 30 minutes or more. Pay attention to how she's experiencing pleasure and if she's close to an orgasm.

• Be Aware That Not All Women Orgasm During Cunnilingus and That's Okay: Women's experiences with cunnilingus varies. Some women have orgasms during oral sex and some don't. Some women need a combination of oral, fingering, G-spot stimulation and sex toys like a vibrator. It's all good. That's why it's important to communicate beforehand.

• Remember that Sexual Aftercare is Important: This could mean cuddling, kissing or whatever makes you both feel comfortable.

Sexual Aftercare

Sexual Aftercare

• Be Open to Feedback: Feedback can come from your partner at any time, so be open to receiving feedback from her to make the experience more enjoyable for both of you. You can talk about what worked and what could be improved upon. If feedback is given in a tactful, helpful way, it can ensure that sex will be pleasurable for both of you.

About Me

I am a New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Overcoming Giving and Receiving Imbalances in Your Relationship

A common problem that brings many couples to therapy is a giving and receiving imbalance in their relationship.

Relational and Sexual Imbalances in a Relationship

These types of imbalances can occur on an relational level as well as a sexual level.

Some individuals in a relationship are comfortable giving, but they're not comfortable with receiving.  Others are happy to take from their partners, but they have a problem reciprocating.

Clinical Vignette: An Imbalance of Giving and Receiving

The following clinical vignette is a composite of clinical cases with all identifying information changed to protect confidentiality:

Tanya and Bill

Tanya and Bill were married for five years.  They both worked at stressful full time jobs.  When Bill got home, his work was done. He waited for Tanya to cook and serve dinner.  Then, after dinner, he sat in the living room to watch TV while Tanya cleared the table and washed and dried the dishes.  

On weekends, Bill either went to a sporting event with his friends or he watched the games with them at a local sports bar.  Meanwhile, Tanya stayed home to clean the house, do the laundry and go grocery shopping. Her friends hardly ever called her to get together because she always told them she was too busy and exhausted.  

Late on Saturday nights, when Bill got home from seeing his friends, he climbed into bed with Tanya, who was already asleep, and he tapped her on her thigh to signal that he wanted to have sex. But Tanya was usually too tired to have sex, and this made Bill angry.

Relational and Sexual Imbalances in a Relationship

One day, Bill got fed up and he told Tanya that she was "frigid" because she usually turned him down whenever he wanted to have sex, and he insisted they see a sex therapist, who was also a couples therapist, to work on their problems.

After getting each of their family, relationship and sexual histories, the sex therapist pointed out the imbalance in their relationship with regard to giving and receiving--both relationally and sexually.

During their conversation, Tanya also pointed out that Bill behaved the same way sexually as he did regarding household responsibilities--he liked receiving, but he was selfish when it came to giving.  

She says, "Even if I wasn't exhausted from my job and taking care of all the household responsibilities, I have very little incentive to have sex with Bill because he's never concerned about my sexual satisfaction."

Bill was taken by surprise by the sex therapist's assessment and his wife's response and said to the sex therapist, "I can't believe what I'm hearing. Tanya never complained about taking care of things at home or, on those rare occasions when we have sex, about not feeling sexually satisfied."

This was the beginning of Tanya and Bill exploring their relational and sexual cycles in sex therapy.  

They both grew up in traditional families. Gradually, they realized they were repeating the same relationship cycle they witnessed when they were growing up.  Both of their mothers took on full responsibility for the home, in addition to having a full time job, and their fathers' day was done when they left work.

With regard to sex, Tanya remembered her mother telling her when Tanya got engaged that, "Sex is a wifely duty" to keep her husband satisfied.  Tanya understood the implication was that sexual pleasure was for men and women weren't meant to experience pleasure.  She didn't think much of it at the time.  But, as Tanya reflected on this in her sex therapy session, she told Bill that she wanted to change the dynamic in their relationship. She no longer wanted to always be "the giver" with Bill always being "the taker."  

Bill responded, "I didn't realize how selfish I was being. I want us to work on this as a team."

As they continued to attend sex therapy, they explored these cycles even further.

When the sex therapist asked Tanya what she thought the underlying issues were for her with regard to taking on all the household responsibilities, at first, Tanya didn't know. But as they continued to discuss it, Tanya thought about her mother and her alcoholic father.  

Over time, she realized her parents had a codependent relationship where her mother did everything at home and the father came home, got drunk and did nothing.  

As they continued to explore her parents' dynamic, Tanya realized, even though she knew her mother was frustrated and resentful about doing all the housework, her mother liked having the control because, even after Tanya's father got sober and he wanted to do his share at home, Tanya's mother didn't want to give up control.  

This was a revelation to Tanya. She and her siblings always thought their mother was a long-suffering wife who selflessly did everything at home. But now Tanya realized there was more to her parents' dynamic than she and her siblings had realized.

Tanya also realized that she had unconsciously repeated her mother's dynamic and, when she thought about the possibility of Bill taking on half the responsibilities at home, she felt resistant to the idea. 

At first, she thought it was because, from her perspective, Bill wouldn't do as good a job as she would. But as they continued exploring this in sex therapy sessions, she realized she also wanted to be in complete control--something she never realized before.

Bill realized that he was selfishly repeating his father's dynamic at home with regard to expecting his wife to do all the chores.  As they continued to explore this in therapy, he realized that he had also unconsciously internalized that "being a man" meant coming home and being served because this was how his parents interacted when he was growing up.

He became aware that he needed to change his ideas about what "being a man" meant and that it wasn't about adhering to traditional and outdated gender roles.

With regard to their sexual relationship, Tanya also realized she didn't turn Bill down only because she was tired, she was also seething with unspoken resentment because she felt he treated her like a maid.  

Their sex therapist gave them homework assignments to work on at home to try to change their relational and sexual dynamics.

Bill learned to take on his fair share of household responsibilities without being asked.  This freed up Tanya so she go to the gym and socialize with her friends every so often. 

With regard to sex, Tanya got curious about what she might enjoy sexually after their sex therapist gave them a Yes, No, Maybe List, which listed many sexual activities.  

Bill also worked on his own individual Yes, No, Maybe List.  Then, they discussed their completed lists in their sex therapy session and mutually agreed on the sexual activities they would like to try (see my article: Creating Your Yes, No, Maybe List).

Tanya discovered she liked cunnilingus (oral sex) much more than sexual intercourse, which surprised Bill.  Bill realized he wanted to watch Tanya masturbate because this would be a big turn-on for him.

They both learned in their sex therapy sessions about the orgasm gap between heterosexual men and women.  In addition, they learned how to overcome this problem so that both of them could experience satisfying sex (see my articles: Closing the Orgasm Gap Between Heterosexual Men and Women - Part 1 and Part 2).

It took a while for Bill and Tanya to learn to make these big changes because their relational and sexual dynamics were so entrenched.  But they were both motivated to change, so they stuck with it and made changes step by step.

Conclusion

The dynamics described in the composite vignette about Tanya and Bill are all too common.

Individuals often repeat the relational dynamics they observed in their family of origin--even if they thought it was unfair when they were children--because these dynamics get internalized on an unconscious level.

There are often other underlying issues, as discussed in the vignette, like control issues and what it means to be "a man" or "a good wife," to name just two.

With regard to sexual dynamics, few people get adequate sex education and, whatever they do learn is shrouded in shame and guilt (see my article: Overcoming Sexual Shame and Guilt).

Even fewer people learn how to talk about these issues with each other (see my articles: How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex - Part 1 and Part 2).

Getting Help in Therapy

Negative cycles are often difficult to change on your own with regard to relational and sexual cycles.

Overcoming Relational and Sexual Imbalances in a Relationship

A skilled psychotherapist, who is a couples and sex therapist, can help you to identify and change your negative cycles.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who has expertise in both couples and sex therapy.

Once you learn to improve your relational and sexual dynamics, you can have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex-positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

To Improve Intimacy in Your Relationship, Get Off the Sexual Staircase

In their book, Desire - An Inclusive Guide to Navigating Libido Differences in Relationships, Lauren Fogel Mersey, PsyD and Jennifer A. Vencill, PhD., discuss the "Sexual Staircase" to describe the kind of routine, goal-oriented sex that people engage in when they're having sex with their partner (see my article: Understanding Your Sex Script).

Improve Intimacy in Your Relationship

What is the Sexual Staircase?

According to Mersey and Vencill, the Sexual Staircase, which is a metaphor, is how most people think sex is "supposed to be."

The Sexual Staircase is a list of hierarchical steps that usually start at the bottom of the staircase with foreplay and ends with sexual intercourse and orgasm.

Depending upon the couple, the sexual acts between foreplay and intercourse can include kissing, caressing, genital touch, oral sex, and so on.

For many people in long term relationships these steps don't deviate. They engage in the same steps in the same way most or all of the time.  

After a while, people in long term relationships often skip some of the steps as they prioritize a goal-oriented approach that always ends with penetrative sex and strives for orgasm.  

Having sex the same way all the time becomes boring after a while (see my article: What is Sexual Boredom in Long Term Relationships?).

What's the Problem With the Sexual Staircase?

If you and your partner enjoy doing the same thing, the same way all of the time and neither of you have a problem with it, then there's nothing wrong with the Sexual Staircase for you.

But many people find this approach to be too routine and unfulfilling.  The problem is that they think this is the way they're supposed to do it, so they just keep doing it the same way.

People who find the Sexual Staircase boring, sexually unfulfilling or not applicable to them often have the following problems with it:

• It's a heteronormative sex script that focuses on cisgender heterosexual men. For heterosexual men, sexual intercourse is one of the most reliable ways to have an orgasm, but this isn't the case for most women (see below).

• It assumes that most people want penis-in-vagina sex even though there are many people who don't want it or it doesn't work for them because of problems with dyspareunia (persistent or recurrent genital pain that occurs during penetrative sex) or erectile unpredictability (a persistent or recurrent problem with getting and maintaining an erect penis) or because they're not heterosexual (see below).

• Sexual intercourse is the least reliable way for most women to have orgasms because they need direct clitoral stimulation, which they often don't get from sexual intercourse or clitoral stimulation is skipped altogether (see my articles: Closing the Orgasm Gap - Part 1 and Part 2).

• The Sexual Staircase emphasizes goal-oriented, performative sex instead of focusing on sexual pleasure (see my article: What is Performative Sex and Why Is It a Problem?).

• In many long term relationships, the Sexual Staircase gets shorter and shorter over time so that there is little or no foreplay, which has a negative impact of women's sexual pleasure. The focus becomes getting sex over and done with it as quickly as possible because it's unsatisfying.

• In addition to problems with painful sex and erectile unpredictability, penetrative sex isn't always possible for a variety of reasons, including childbirth, certain disabilities, age-related physical limitations, surgery or other types of problems.

• When penetrative sex isn't possible (for whatever reason), many couples skip having sex altogether because penetrative sex is the only way they know how to have sex.  Over time, one or both of them become frustrated and dissatisfied.

• The heteronormativity of this model isn't useful for LGBTQ people, as previously mentioned. Many LGBTQ people assume that since they're not having penis-in-vagina sex, they're not having "real sex," which, of course, is false.  This often leads to feelings of shame, guilt and self consciousness about their sexual orientation.

The Wheel Model

The authors of Desire cite the Wheel Model, which was inspired by Robert T. Francoeur in his book, Becoming a Sexual Person (1991).

Picture a wheel that's divided into different sections with sexual activities represented in a non-hierarchical way.  

Rather than the linear, hierarchical model represented in the Sexual Staircase, in the Wheel Model none of the sexual activities has a higher priority over any of the others.  Other than sexual pleasure, there are no goals, which usually means less pressure for both people and more enjoyment.

In addition, with the Wheel Model, people can engage flexibly pick and chooe what they like, in whatever order they like without being constrained to the rigid model of the Sexual Staircase.

The authors provide an example of what sexual activities might be included in the Wheel Model:

• Kissing
• Caressing
• Touching
• Massaging
• Using a sex toy
• Showering together
• Cuddling
• Oral sex
• Orgasm
• Penetrative sex
• Manual stimulation

And more.

The sexual activities included with the Wheel Model are only limited by your imagination.

But this is not to say that you and your partner should engage in the activities they write about or that you should stop having sexual intercourse if it's enjoyable to both of you.  You can do whatever you both enjoy.

The Wheel Model helps to dispel the myth that there's one right way to have sex or that everyone should have the same predetermined sex script.  

Making Changes to Your Sex Script

Once again, I want to reiterate that if you and your partner are happy with your sex script, you can continue using it without a problem.

But if you're stuck in a routine and you're getting tired of doing the same thing over and over again, consider how you can work towards making changes  in your sex script (see my article: Changing Your Sex Script).

As Emily Nagoski, PhD., sex educator and author of the book, Come As You Are, says, "Pleasure is the measure."

This means "good sex" is what's pleasurable for both of you.

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

A skilled sex therapist can help you to overcome sexual problems.

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy where the focus is on sex and relational problems getting in the way of sexual enjoyment (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

Individuals and couples seek help in sex therapy for a variety of reasons (see my article: What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?).

There is no nudity, physical exam or sex during sex therapy sessions (see my article: What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?)

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help in sex therapy so you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

 

Can Hookups Be Safer and More Sexually Satisfying For Heterosexual Women?

In my last article, Sex Research: Heterosexual Women Often Find Hookups Less Sexually Satisfying Than Men, I discussed some of the reasons why heterosexual women often feel less sexual pleasure during hookups than men. 

In this article, I'm focusing on how these hookups can be safer and more sexually satisfying for women.

Can Hookups Be Safer and More Sexually Satisfying For Women?

Let's face it: Regardless of how you feel about hookups, they're here to stay--for adolescents, college students and people in their 20s and beyond. 

So, for the purpose of this article, it's not a matter of stopping hookups or casual sex--it's more a matter of how to make hookups better for women who want to hookup.

Before going on, I want to clarify why I'm focusing on heterosexual women in particular. 

Based on sex research, compared to gay men, bisexual men, bisexual women and lesbians, heterosexual women have the least sexually satisfying sex, even in committed relationships, and even less satisfying during hookups and casual sex (see my articles: Closing the Orgasm Gap - Part 1 and Closing the Orgasm Gap - Part 2).  

More about this in the second half of this article.

Can Hookups Be Safer For Heterosexual Women?

Let's start by focusing on personal safety.

Personal safety is an important issue for heterosexual women who are much more at risk during hookups.  

According to the Centers For Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), 1 in 5 women are sexually assaulted in the United States.  

This is an astounding number.  It means that 20% of women in the US are sexually assaulted at some point in their lifetime.  

Considering that alcohol and drugs are often a part of hooking up, you can see where safety could be an issue when both people are impaired with regard to using good judgment and practicing consensual sex (see my article: What is Sexual Consent?).

    Tips For Safer Hookups

Although any hookup can be potentially unsafe, there are steps you can take as a woman to make them safer:

• Share Your Location With Trusted Friends: Before you meet with the person you're hooking up with, share your location so, in case of an emergency, people know where you are and how to find you. You can do this through your iPhone or using Google Maps.

• Keep Friends Informed: Share the first and last name of the person you're hooking up with and one of their social media accounts, like Instagram. Also, keep your friends posted with your whereabouts if you leave the place where you originally told them you would be.

• Practice Safer Sex and Carry Your Own Condoms: You can't always rely on your sex partner to have condoms, so bring your own to protect your health and theirs as well.  If your partner refuses to use a condom, don't engage in fellatio or have intercourse.

• Know Your Partner's Sexual Health Status: Even though it's good to use condoms, condoms aren't 100% safe when it comes to sexually transmitted infections and HIV. So, it's good for both you and your partner to get tested beforehand so you know each other's sexual health status.

• Be Aware of  Your Alcohol Consumption: Be mindful of how much you drink and what you drink. Never take a drink that wasn't given to you directly by the bartender, especially if you don't know your hookup partner well, because someone could easily slip a drug into your drunk that will impair you.

• Don't Walk Home Alone Late at Night: Make sure you have friends who can walk you home from wherever you were hooking up with your partner, especially if it's late at night or you're in a remote area.  If your friends aren't available, have enough money or a credit card with you to take a taxi or car service home.

• Trust Your Instincts: If you get the feeling that something is off, don't hang around just to be polite. Trust your gut and leave without feeling guilty. This is about your personal safety.

Can Hookups Be More Sexually Satisfying For Heterosexual Women?

Now that I've discussed the safety precautions, let's focus on how hookups can be more sexually satisfying for women, which is so important considering the orgasm gap.

    Tips For More Sexually Satisfying Hookups

Since women often leave hookups without experiencing an orgasm or without even feeling sexual pleasure, here are some tips:

• Know What You Like Sexually: Whether you discover what you enjoy sexually from experiences you've had with other partners or from solo sex, get to know your body and what you like (see my articles: Sexual Self Discovery With Pleasure Mapping and Keeping an Erotic Journal).

Know What You Like Sexually and Tell Your Partner

• Tell Your Partner What You Like: You can learn to get comfortable talking about sex with a partner by practicing. The more you're able to talk about what's pleasurable to you, the easier it can get.  Don't assume your partner knows or is even concerned about your sexual satisfaction, especially if you don't know each other well. You're entitled to sexual pleasure, so don't settle for less (see my article: Finding Your Sexual Voice).

• Take the Time to Get Sexually Aroused: Whether you experience spontaneous desire or, if you're like most women, you experience responsive desire, take the time to get aroused by kissing, touching, clitoral stimulation or doing whatever it is that gets you turned on (assuming your partner consents to it) before you engage in oral sex or intercourse. Don't allow your partner to rush you if you're not ready.

• Make Sure You Use Lube: Even if you're very turned on and already wet, adding lubrication can help reduce the amount of friction that can make penetrative sex unpleasant and even painful. Remember that oil-based lubricants break down latex condoms.

• Use Sexual Fantasies to Get Yourself Turned On: Sex starts in the brain, so if you want to get turned on, think about your sexual fantasies, including your peak erotic experiences.

• Feel Free to Use a Vibrator to Have an Orgasm: Depending upon whom you're with, your partner might have an orgasm before you do. Some partners can be more sexually generous than others, but if you're with someone who is mostly focused on their own orgasm, feel free to use a vibrator to have your orgasm. There are now so many varieties to choose from, including small bullet vibrators that are so convenient that you can carry one in your pocket.

Conclusion

Hookups aren't for everyone, but they're not going away any time soon.

Since heterosexual women are more at risk than men, it makes sense to take basic precautions to ensure personal safety.

In addition, since heterosexual women tend to have less satisfying sex than men, knowing what you like and being able to tell your partner can help you to have more satisfying sex.

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

If you're having a sexual problem, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who is a sex therapist.

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

Individual adults and people in relationships seek help in sex therapy for a variety of reasons (see my article: What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?).

During sex therapy, there is no nudity, physical exam or sex during therapy sessions (see my article: What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a skilled sex therapist so you can have a more fulfilling sex life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Sex Research: Heterosexual Women Often Find Hookups Less Sexually Satisfying Than Men

While sexual hookups can be fun and exciting, it's often a lot less sexually satisfying for heterosexual women than it is for men.

Sex Research: Women Often Find Hookups Less Satisfying

What Are Hookups?

Sex researchers have often found the definition of hookups to be elusive.

For instance, researchers at the University of Montana found so many different definitions of hookups among college students that the concept was unclear.  

They discovered the definition of hookups might be strategically unclear so that people aren't revealing too many details about their sexual encounters.

Sex Research: Women Often Find Hookups Less Satisfying

But based on their findings, the researchers came up with their own definition of hookups:  

Hookups are sexual encounters, which can involve vaginal, anal or oral sex where the two people are not in a serious or even a dating relationship. 

There are no spoken commitments and no expectations about the future--although, based on my clinical experience, this can be a problem if one or both people become emotionally attached, especially people with an anxious attachment style (see my article: How an Anxious Attachment Style Can Affect Your Sex Life - Part 1 and Part 2).

Hookups are spontaneous sexual encounters that are often fueled by alcohol. There is often no consent, no communication about sexual health and no communication about sexually transmitted infections (STIs).  

In addition, there is often no condom use during hookups, which puts both people at risk for STIs whether the sex was penetrative or oral sex (Yes! Both men and women can contract STIs from oral sex!). So, in terms of sexual health, this places both people at risk.

Sex Research Reveals That Hookups Are Unlikely to Be Satisfying For Women

According to sex research presented at the annual meeting of the International Academy of Sex Research, heterosexual women are much more likely to have an orgasm in a serious relationship with a man than during a hookup (although, in terms of orgasms, the data isn't great for heterosexual women in serious relationships, as discussed below).

Sex research performed by Kim Wallen, a professor of Endocrinology at Emory University, revealed that, despite sexual liberation, the sexual playing field isn't equal between heterosexual men and women, when it comes to sexual satisfaction during hookups.  

This research is backed up by sociologist Paula England of New York University: Women were less than half as likely to have an orgasm during intercourse or oral sex during a hookup as compared to men.  Specifically, her study revealed that only 40% of women had an orgasm during hookups.  

What is the "Orgasm Gap" Between Heterosexual Men and Women?

In general, even among heterosexual couples who are in a committed relationship, there is an orgasm discrepancy, also known as the orgasm gap or as orgasm inequality.

According to researchers from the Archives of Sexual Behavior, who assessed sex research involving 52,500 adults, 95% of heterosexual men said they had orgasms during sexual intercourse but only 65% of heterosexual women said they had orgasms.

According to Laurie Mintz of the University of Florida, who is a sex educator and a psychologist in private practice, the orgasm gap is a cultural problem--not a problem to be blamed on men or women.  

The orgasm gap has been attributed to a lack of understanding, among both heterosexual men and women, about women's anatomy, including the importance of the clitoris in terms of women's sexual satisfaction.

Why Do Heterosexual Women Often Find Hookups Less Sexually Satisfying?

One reason why heterosexual women don't find hookups as satisfying as men is that women are less likely to express their sexual needs during these sexual encounters (see my article: Finding Your Sexual Voice).

In addition, according to Sean Massey, associate professor of Women, Gender and Sexuality at Binghampton University of New York, many men might be more focused on their own sexual satisfaction during hookups and less concerned about pleasing their female partner.

Can Hookups Be Safer and Sexually Satisfying For Heterosexual Women?

According to Debby Herbenick, sex educator at the Kinsey Institute, an institute that focuses on sex research, hookups can be more fun and sexually satisfying for women.  

This will be the topic of my next article: Can Hookups Be Safer and More Sexually Satisfying For Heterosexual Women?.

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy where there is no physical exam, nudity or sex during therapy sessions (see my article: What Are the Most Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?)

If you're having sexual problems as an individual or as part of a couple, you're not alone.

Many individual adults and couples seek help in sex therapy for a variety of issues (see my article: What Kind of Issues Are Discussed in Sex Therapy?).

If you're having a problem with sex, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who is a sex therapist so you can have a more fulfilling sex life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

What is Sex Therapy?

Sex therapy is a form of psychotherapy, also known as talk therapy, where the sex therapist focuses on the sexual issues of individuals and people in relationships.  There is no physical exam, nudity, or physical touch involved between the sex therapist and the clients (see my article: The Most Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy).

What is Sex Therapy?

Sex therapy includes an exploration of the physical, emotional and psychological factors that are getting in the way of an individual or people in a relationship experiencing a pleasurable sex life (see my articles: What is Your Erotic Blueprint - Part 1 and Part 2).

Sex Therapy Has Changed: Modern Sex Therapy Addresses Contemporary Issues

Sex therapy has changed a lot over the years.  

Many sex therapists from the past believed that all people needed to do to improve their sex life was overcome sexual dysfunction, learn how to communicate better and improve the romantic side of the relationship.  

While that strategy might work for many people, it doesn't work for everyone.  In fact, there are many people in relationships who have no sexual dysfunction, who communicate well and love each other very much, but they don't have good sex together (see my article: What is Good Sex?)

In his book, The Erotic Mind, Dr. Jack Morin, sex therapist and researcher, called the sex therapy of the past the "neat and clean" sex therapy.  

Contemporary sex therapists, like Dr. Esther Perel, who wrote, Mating in Captivity - Unlocking Erotic Intelligence, helped to develop many of the important concepts that are used in modern sex therapy today.

These days modern sex therapy still addresses sexual challenges and the importance of good communication both in and out of the bedroom, but it also addresses sex positivity and sexual pleasure as well as contemporary issues for heterosexual, gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, queer, polyamorous, people in consensual non-monogamous relationships and other types of non-heteronormative sex (see my articles: Savoring Pleasure, Women's Sexuality: Tips on Sexual Self Discovery and Sexual Pleasure and the Erotic Self - Part 1 and Part 2).

What Type of Sexual Issues Do People Work on in Sex Therapy?

The following list includes some of the most common issues in sex therapy (this list is not exhaustive):

• Low Libido
• See my articles: 
• Heterosexual Women Are Often Labeled as Having Low Sexual Desire When the Real Problem is Their Sexual Needs Aren't Being Met During Partnered Sex
• How Mindfulness Can Help With Low Libido

• Lack of Interest in Sex 
• See my article: 
• The Power of Novelty to Enhance Sexual Desire

• Enhancing Sexual Pleasure and Problems with Arousal 
• See my articles:
• Understanding Your Sexual Accelerators and Brakes
• Discovering Your Peak Erotic Experiences
• What Are Your Core Erotic Themes?

• Arousal Nonconcordance 
• See my article: 
• What is Arousal Nonconcordance?

• Problems with an Orgasm Gap in Your Relationship(s)
• See my articles: 
• Closing the Orgasm Gap - Part 1
• Closing the Orgasm Gap - Part 2
  
• Rethinking Foreplay as More Than Just a Prelude to Intercourse
• 
  
• Sexual Desire Discrepancy Between Individuals in a Relationship 
• See my articles: 
• What is Sexual Desire Discrepancy in a Relationship? 
• Overcoming Sexual Desire Discrepancy

• Lack of Confidence During Sex
• See my article: 
• Is a Negative Body Image Ruining Your Sex Life?

• Overcoming Sex Related Shame
• See my articles: 
• Your Sexual Fantasies Don't Always Match Your Values and Beliefs
• Your Sexual Orientation and Erotic Orientation Don't Always Match and That's Normal
• Understanding the Unconscious Meaning of Your Sexual Fantasies

• Improving Communication About Sexual Issues with Partner(s)
• See my article: 
• How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex 

• Changing a Sex Script That is Not Working in a Relationship 
• See my articles: 
• What is a Sex Script?
• Changing Your Sex Script

• Painful Sex (vaginismus, dyspareunia)
• See my article:
• Getting Help in Sex Therapy For Painful Sex
  

• Performance Anxiety

• See my article: 
• What is Performative Sex?

• Delayed Ejaculation

• Unpredictable Ejaculation

• Impulsive/Compulsive Use of Pornography 

• Infidelity
• See my article: 
• Learning to Trust Again: Coping With Betrayal in a Relationship

• Opening Up a Relationship/Consensual Non-monogamy
• See my article: 
• What is Ethical Non-Monogamy? 
• What is Solo Polyamory?
• 
  
• Exploring and Integrating Kink/BDSM/Eroticized Power Play and Other Consensual Pleasurable Activities 
• See my articles: 
• What is Kinky Sex?
  
• What is the Difference Between a Kink and a Fetish?
  
• Destigmatizing Sexual Fantasies of Power and Submission, 
• What is Power Play?
• What You Can Learn From Kink About Consent 
• What Are the Benefits of Sexual Role Play?
• 
  
• Recovering From Sexual Abuse/Trauma
• See my article: 
• Overcoming the Trauma of Childhood Sexual Abuse

• Overcoming Sexual Boredom in Long Term Relationships 
• See my articles: 
• Sexual Boredom in Long Term Relationships 
• The Paradox of Love and Sexual Desire in a Committed Relationship

• Coping With Issues of Sexual Fluidity: 
• See my articles: 
• Women and Sexual Fluidity - Part 1
• Women and Sexual Fluidity - Part 2

• Sex and Aging

• LGBTQ Issues

What Happens During Sex Therapy?

Most sex therapists know that, even though people have sought help in sex therapy, they are often uncomfortable talking about sex.  

What is Sex Therapy?

Often this is based on family history, cultural history, religion and other factors.  

So, a sex therapist will normalize this and she will help each person to develop a comfort level talking about sex.

Most sex therapists get a comprehensive sex history of the couple as well as each individual (see sex therapist Dr. Suzanne Iasenza's book, Transforming Sexual Narratives, for more details about sexual history taking).

Here are some of the most common questions: 

• What is the presenting problem (as each person sees it)?
• When did the problem start?
• What efforts, if any, have the client(s) made to overcome the problem?
• What is your earliest memory about sexuality?
• Are there health concerns?
• What is your definition of sex?
• What first attracted you to your partner?
• Are there any particular emotional blocks to your experiencing sexual pleasure?
• What is your sex script?

And so on

What Kind of Feedback Does the Sex Therapist Provide to Clients?

Once again, each sex therapist will be different.

For instance, if the sex therapist is trained in Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples (EFT), the therapist will help the clients to understand the strengths and positive aspects of their relationship as well as the negative cycle in the relationship and help them to change that cycle (see my article: Overcoming the Negative Cycle in Your Relationship That Keeps You Both Stuck).

Setting Goals Together

After the assessment, history taking and feedback, which could take several sessions, a skilled sex therapist helps the clients to work on setting goals together.  

Rather than just coming to therapy sessions and talking about whatever is on their minds, clients in sex therapy establish goals so that the work will have meaning and direction, and they can assess along the way if they are moving in the direction towards accomplishing their goals.

Just like any other goals, goals in sex therapy can be changed, but it's important that both people be able to collaborate with their therapist to identify meaningful goals.

Sex Therapy Assignments Between Sessions

Sex therapists give assignments between therapy sessions.  These assignments are relevant to the particular issues being addressed in sex therapy.

Many of the assignments can be fun and enjoyable (see sex therapist, Dr. Ian Kerner's book, So Tell Me About the Last Time You Had Sex to see some of the assignments that might be part of your sex therapy).

The idea is that if you and your partner(s) are trying to change some aspect of your sexual relationship, you need to practice at home if the partners are willing.  

Sex Therapy Assignments Between Sessions

If an assignment is challenging, you and your partner(s) will discuss it with your therapist at the next session.  You would talk about where you got stuck and what you can do to deal with it.  

Since most sex therapists are patient, empathetic and know that there will be certain blocks or challenges along the way, you don't need to worry that you will be scolded as you were in high school when you didn't do your assignment.  But, generally, there is an expectation that you will make an effort to do the assignments or come in to talk about what happened between sessions.

Everything is grist for the mill.  In the long run, your progress as well as the underlying issues involved with your blocks can help you to overcome your problems.

When Should You Seek Help in Sex Therapy?

If you and your partner(s) have tried on your own and you have been unable to overcome your problems, you could benefit from seeking help with a sex therapist.

When Should You Seek Help in Sex Therapy?

If your partner(s) is unwilling to join you in sex therapy, you can come for individual sessions to work on the problems and, at some point, your partner(s) might join you.

You and your partner(s) deserve to have a pleasurable, fulfilling sex life.  

By freeing yourself of the obstacles that get in the way of pleasurable sex, you can have a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and people in relationships 

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.