Women's Sexuality: Tips on Sexual Self Discovery

In my prior articles, The Orgasm Gap Between Woman and Men - Parts 1 and 2,  I discussed the sexual satisfaction gap between men and heterosexual woman.  One of my recommendations in Part 2 was that, in order for women to experience more sexual satisfaction, they can explore their own body and discover sexual pleasure for themselves.

Women's Sexual Self Discovery

Women Overcoming Guilt and Shame About Their Sexual Pleasure

For many women this is easier said than done because shame and guilt about their body and their sexuality gets in the way.  Part of this can be culturally induced because women still get mixed messages about enjoying sexual pleasure.  In some cases, the shame and guilt can be related to unresolved sexual trauma (see below: Getting Help in Therapy).

On the one hand, heterosexual women are told they should be sexually alluring to men.  But, on the other hand, they're still stigmatized for being sexual or experiencing sexual pleasure, especially if it's for themselves and not for men.

There is so much misinformation that it's no wonder many women feel confused, ashamed of their bodies, and they feel they have no right to their own sexual pleasure. 

There's still double standard that it's okay for men to be sexual but not for women.  And many  women are still told, if not explicitly then implicitly, they should wait until they're married to be sexual (you might think this is a thing from the past, but I still hear many women tell me in their therapy sessions that they grew up with these cultural or religious taboos).

The expectation in these families is that women will just know somehow how to be sexual with their partner or spouse "when the time comes."  But the reality is that this stigma against women's sexuality in these instances often carries over into marriage because these women haven't discovered their own sexuality beforehand.  

Women's Sexuality: Tips on Sexual Self Discovery:

• Make a Decision as to Whether You're Ready to Get to Know Yourself Sexually: As a woman, whether or not you want to discover your sexuality is up to you and only you.  While it might feel daunting at first because of cultural or religious taboos, if you're ready to get to know yourself sexually, it can be an adventure in self discovery.  Try to be as open and curious as you can.

• Create a Time and Space For Privacy and Relaxation: Once you have decided to get to know yourself better sexually, look for a time and place when you'll have privacy and you won't be interrupted.  Some women like to set the mood by creating a private and relaxing environment for themselves in the bath and engage their senses: candles, incense, a favorite bubble bath, relaxing music and whatever else helps to create the right mood.

• Take a Look at Your Body: Many women have so much shame about their body that they can hardly stand to look at themselves in the mirror--even when they are fully clothed.  It's understandable why they feel this way because social media, movies, TV programs and magazines give women messages that they should look a certain way--usually thin or curvy or some other particular way.  

• Accept Your Body As It Is Now: This might be one of the hardest steps to take because there are so many negative messages  for women about body image.  Even if you want to change your body for health-related reasons, one of the best ways to change is to start by accepting yourself as you are now.  Acceptance doesn't mean you're not going to try to change if that's what you want.  It just means that you acknowledge that you are where you are right now and you love yourself regardless of how you look.

• Take a Hand Mirror and Look at Your Vulva:  The vulva is a woman's external genital area. It's normal for vulvas to come in all different shapes and sizes.  The vulva contains the vestibule (vaginal opening), the labia majora, the labia minora, and the clitoris.  By being curious and looking at yourself, you can discover your own unique beauty.  Holding onto the hand mirror, look at the:

• labia majora: outer lips

• labia minora: the smaller, inner lips

• vulval vestibule (vaginal opening): is the part of the vulva between the labia minora into which the urinary meatus (urethra opening) and the vaginal opening open.

• clitoris: the tip of the clitoris is slightly above the urethra and at the top of the vestibule.  The rest of the clitoris is covered by the clitoral hood. It extends into the body and wraps around the vaginal canal (the vagina is a woman's internal reproductive area). Sexual pleasure is the clitoris' primary purpose.  It is the most sensitive erogenous zone. The glans of the clitoris has 8,000 nerve endings, which is twice as many nerve endings as the penis. This erogenous zone spreads the feeling to 15,000 other nerves in the pelvis, which is why it can feel like your whole body is experiencing an orgasm.

• Spend Time Discovering What's Pleasurable to You Through Solo Pleasuring: Solo pleasuring (also known as masturbation) is a safe and pleasurable way to:

• discover what turns you on sexually
• have fun
• release sexual tension
• improve your sleep through the release of tension

• Understand That Your Brain is Your Biggest Sex Organ: Your thoughts and beliefs affect how you feel sexually, so your personal psychology matters just as much as your physiology.  There are two types of sexual stimulation: 

• psychological stimulation: Visual cues or sexual fantasies can include your own fantasies, fantasies from erotica, ethical porn, sexy movies or TV programs, and so on.  Don't overthink or overanalyze it--fantasies aren't real, so you don't necessarily want to act on them.  But maybe you do.  It's up to you.  

• physical stimulation: Your hand, a vibrator or sex toys can be used to get sexually aroused.

• Explore Your Erogenous Zones: Your erogenous zones include your nipples, thighs, vulva, clitoris, and any other areas that might turn you on.

• Don't Pressure Yourself to Have an Orgasm: Rather than focusing on having an orgasm, focus on what feels pleasurable to you without pressuring yourself to have an orgasm.

• Ready to Have an Orgasm? Aside from the fact that everyone is unique in terms of what turns them on, one article isn't sufficient, but there are good books that provide can you with some guidance, including:

• Book Recommendations:
• Come As You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life - by Dr. Emily Nagoski

• Sex For One: The Joy of Self Loving - by Betty Dodson

• Becoming Cliterate - by Dr. Laurie Mintz

• She Comes First - by Dr. Ian Kerner

• Tell Me What You Want: The Science of Sexual Desire and How It Can Help You Improve Your Sex Life - by Dr. Justin J. Lehmiller

Feeling Pain?  Get Medical Help

If you are experiencing vaginal pain, seek help from your doctor immediately.  Pain can be related to any one of a number of problems, including vaginal infections, vulvodynia, cysts, pelvic floor problems or other medical problems.

Getting Help in Therapy

We all need help at sometimes.

Unresolved traumatic experiences can affect your ability to be sexual whether it's on your own or with a partner.  The effects can include (but are not limited to): emotional numbing, physical pain, flashbacks, getting triggered, panic attacks, feeling disconnected from your body, and other related symptoms.

If you have been unable to resolve your problems on your own, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional.

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to overcome the obstacles that keep you stuck, so rather than suffering on your own, seek help from a licensed therapist.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.