How to Cope With Parents Who Are Trying to Guilt Trip You As An Adult

Parents who try to guilt trip you into doing what they want are usually emotionally immature. Rather than trying to placate them, you need to find healthy ways of dealing with their behavior.

What is Guilt Tripping?

Guilt tripping is when someone tries to manipulate you to control your behavior.

Coping With Guilt Tripping Parents

Aside from wanting to control your behavior, guilt tripping violates your boundaries.

What Are the Signs of Guilt Tripping?

• They Become Passive Aggressive: Instead of being outwardly aggressive, they make passive aggressive or sarcastic comments like, "Well, I guess if you can't come over this Sunday, I'll have to spend the day alone" (passive aggressive) or "Oh sure, don't worry about me, but I won't be around forever" (see my article: Coping With Family Members' Passive Aggressive Comments).

• They Try to Gaslight You: They might try to twist your words or distort the truth to make you question your intentions and behavior, "I don't know why you would rather be with your friends than come here to visit your father and me. Your friends won't always be there for you like we have been" or "You're the reason why your dad and I are unhappy."

• They Give You the Silent Treatment and Become Emotionally Distant: They stop communicating with you and ignore your calls, email and text. This is a form of emotional abuse to punish, gain power over and manipulate.

Coping With Guilt Tripping Parents

• They Remind You About Your Past Mistakes: This is another form of manipulation to try to make you feel like you owe them something. For example: "You're going out with your boyfriend instead of coming to see me? You always make bad relationship choices. Remember, I was who was there for you when you were hurt and upset about your last relationship."

• They Make Negative Comparisons: They might compare you to a sibling, another family member or a friend, "Your sister always comes over every Sunday, but you only come every two weeks."

• They Try to Make You Think It's All Your Fault: They won't take responsibility for their own actions. Instead, they blame you, "Your mother and I have tried to do everything to improve our relationship with you, but you just do things to make it worse."

How to Cope With Parents Who Are Trying to Guilt Trip You

Understand the impact guilt Tripping is having on you: Some people are very good at guilt tripping until they get you to feel the way they want you to feel and do what they want you to do.

Signs Your Parents Guilt Tripping is Affecting You

Recognize the signs that you're being affected by your parents' guilt tripping:

• You Feel Obligated to Them: You feel like you "owe" your parents--even when you know their demands are unreasonable.

Coping With Guilt Tripping Parents

• You Over-justify Your Actions: You keep defending or explaining your actions to your parents.

• You Feel Like Nothing You Do is Good Enough For Your Parents: You might feel like no matter how hard you try, nothing you do is ever good enough for your parents and you'll never be able to please them.

How to Cope With Parents Who Are Trying to Guilt Trip You

• Shift Your Perspective and Be Aware That You're Not Responsible For Your Parents' Feelings: If you're not actively trying to hurt your parents, you're not responsible if they feel hurt or angry that you're not doing what they want you to do. For instance, if you already have plans with a friend and your parents want you to come over on the same day, you have a right to stick with your plans and not try to appease your parents because they tell you you're making them feel hurt. 

• Set Clear Boundaries With Your Parents: Although it can be challenging, you might need to set boundaries with your parents. Let them know what is and isn't acceptable (see my article: Setting Boundaries With Family Members).

Coping With Guilt Tripping Parents

• Prioritize Your Needs: If your parents have been successful at guilt tripping you, you might feel like your needs are insignificant compared to theirs. Be aware you're doing this and make an agreement with yourself to prioritize your own needs.

• Validate Their Feelings: If you detect they have underlying feelings that they're not expressing, validate their feelings. For example, if they try to make you feel guilty about not coming to see them and you detect that their underlying feeling is that they miss you and want to spend time with you, validate that. At the same time, don't give up on your plans to appease them. Instead, you can suggest another day when you can get together with them (if you want to spend time with them).

Coping With Guilt Tripping Parents

• Get Emotional Support From Supportive Friends: Talk to trusted friends who will be emotionally supportive. If you feel apprehensive about talking with your parents and setting boundaries with them, you can "bookend" that conversation by talking to a trusted friend before and after your conversation with your parents. You might even arrange to have these bookended conversation with your friends in advance. 

Get Help in Therapy

The impact of guilt tripping can be traumatic.

Get Help in Therapy

Among other things, lifelong guilt tripping can make you susceptible to getting into a relationship with a partner who also tries to manipulate you with guilt and you might not even be aware of it because it seems "normal" to you.

A skilled mental health professional, who is a trauma specialist, can help you to heal from trauma so you can live a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Parts Work Therapist (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

As a Trauma Therapist, one of my specialties is helping clients to overcome trauma.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: What's the Difference Between Stonewalling and the Silent Treatment?

I wrote about stonewalling in a prior article (see my article: Are You a Stonewaller?).

In the current article I'm focusing on the difference between stonewalling and the silent treatment.

What is the Difference Between Stonewalling and the Silent Treatment?

Although stonewalling and the silent treatment might appear to be similar, they are different in certain key aspects as outlined below.

Stonewalling and the silent treatment are both forms of unhealthy communication. They both involve communication patterns where a person withdraws from a conversation (see my article: Understanding a Partner Who Withdraws Emotionally).

Stonewalling vs the Silent Treatment

Stonewalling usually occurs when one person feels overwhelmed and withdraws from the conversation.

The silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse where one person deliberately ignores, avoids or withdraws from communication to punish, control or manipulate the other person.

Here are the key differences between stonewalling and the silent treatment:

• Intent
• Duration
• Impact

Stonewalling

• Intent: To avoid conflict and feeling emotionally overwhelmed

• Behavior: Turning away, avoiding eye contact, shutting down the conversation or giving non-committal responses

• Duration: Usually temporary--lasting until the person no longer feels overwhelmed

Silent Treatment

• Intent: To punish, control or manipulate the other person

• Behavior: Prolonged withdrawal from communication, often accompanied by ignoring, avoiding or giving cold or hostile responses

• Duration: Lasting hours, days, weeks or more

The Key Differences

• Intent: Stonewalling is a defensive reaction whereas the silent treatment is intentional.

• Purpose: Stonewalling is aimed at avoiding conflict and the silent treatment is used to inflict emotional pain, gain power or manipulate.

• Duration: Stonewalling is usually temporary and the silent treatment can be prolonged.

• Impact: Stonewalling can damage a relationship by creating emotional distance and mistrust, while the silent treatment, which is intentional, can cause significant emotional distress to the person being ignored and potentially ruin or end a relationship.

An Example of Stonewalling

Whenever John and Alice got into an argument, John would feel so overwhelmed he would turn away and go into another room to calm himself. But since he didn't tell Alice that he felt overwhelmed, she would pursue him into the other room to continue the argument. This only made John feel even more overwhelmed so that he would withdrew even further, which angered Alice even more so she would try harder to get him to talk (see my article: Understanding a Partner Who Pursues Emotionally).

Stonewalling

As his feelings of overwhelm escalated, John would leave the house and to go for a walk. After he calmed down, he came back and told Alice he was ready to resume their conversation. By then, Alice had calmed down too, so they were able to have a calm discussion. After several months of this communication pattern, Alice insisted that they go to couples therapy to learn how to communicate in a healthy way. In couples therapy John learned that he would stonewall because he felt too overwhelmed to speak, which helped Alice to feel empathetic. Alice learned she had a fear of being abandoned, which made her pursue John. Over time, they learned how to communicate in a healthier way in couples therapy.

An Example of the Silent Treatment

Alex was hurt and angry when Sara said she was going out with her friends on a Sunday afternoon instead of spending time with him. Even though she had told him in advance that she and her friends planned to have brunch to celebrate one of her friend's birthdays, Alex felt that she was putting her friends above him. On most mornings Sara and Alex would sit and talk together in the kitchen and have coffee together. So, when Sara noticed that Alex didn't come into the kitchen at the usual time, she looked for him and she found him in the living room playing a game on his phone. Alex saw Sara come into the living room, but he ignored her and he didn't look up when she tried to talk to him. He sat in stony silence looking hurt and angry.

The Silent Treatment

No matter what she said, Sara couldn't get his attention so she got dressed to meet her friends. As she was leaving, she said goodbye to Alex, but he didn't respond. During her brunch with friends, Sara texted Alex to say she understood he felt hurt and she wanted to talk about it when she got home. But Alex ignored Sara's texts. He continued to ignore Sara for the next week, which was painful for her. Whenever she tried to initiate a conversation, he walked out of the room. Finally, at her wit's end, Sara gave Alex an ultimatum: Either he agree to attend couples therapy with her or he would move out her apartment. After another week of the silent treatment, Sara packed Alex's things, changed the locks and put his belongings on her doorstep.  Two weeks later, Alex called Sara reluctantly and told her he would attend couples therapy. Their couples therapist recommended that they both attend individual therapy. Alex learned in couples therapy that he used the silent treatment because he didn't know how to communicate his emotions and he wanted to punish Sara. The work in couples therapy was neither quick nor easy but, over time, Sara and Alex learned to communicate more effectively. Alex also realized in his individual therapy that he learned to give the silent treatment by observing his parents when he was a child. They would go days and weeks without talking to each other. Alex made a promise to himself and to Sara that he didn't want to repeat the mistakes his parents made in their relationship.

Summary

Both stonewalling and the silent treatment are unhealthy ways of communicating, but their intent, purpose and duration are different. 

Stonewalling is a maladaptive way of trying to cope with feeling emotionally overwhelmed.

The silent treatment, which is a form of emotional abuse, is used to inflict emotional pain, try to gain power or manipulate a partner.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

Whether one or both of you engage in stonewalling or the silent treatment, you could both benefit from getting help in couples therapy (see my article: Tips on How to Get the Most Out of Couples Therapy).

Get Help in Couples Therapy

Rather than continuing to damage your relationship, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who can help you to overcome your communication problems so you can have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

What is the Purpose of the Preparation and Stabilization Phase in EMDR Therapy?

This article was updated on September 18, 2026.

What is the Purpose of the Preparation and Stabilization Phase in EMDR Therapy?

If you are considering Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) therapy to heal from trauma, you might be eager to dive straight into processing your memories so you can find relief as quickly as possible. However, EMDR is a highly structured, eight-phase treatment framework. One of the most critical steps in this journey is Phase 2: The Preparation and Stabilization Phase.

Establishing a mental "safe place" or calm environment is a core component of EMDR Phase 2, giving your nervous system a secure retreat during trauma processing.

Skipping or rushing this foundational step can not only stall your progress but can also be emotionally destabilizing. Understanding the purpose of EMDR Phase 2 helps set you up for a safe, successful emotional breakthrough.

What Are the 8 Phases of EMDR Therapy?

Before exploring Phase 2 in depth, it helps to understand where it sits within the overall treatment. EMDR therapy does not just jump into eye movements; it follows a precise sequence designed to protect the client:

• Phase 1: History Taking and Treatment Planning – Your therapist gathers your family history, identifies the root problems, builds rapport, and selects specific target memories to process.
• Phase 2: Preparation and Stabilization – You learn about the EMDR process and develop crucial coping and relaxation skills to handle the emotional weight of trauma processing.
• Phase 3: Assessment – Your therapist helps you isolate the specific images, negative beliefs, and physical sensations tied to a traumatic memory, establishing a baseline level of distress.
• Phase 4: Desensitization – Using Bilateral Stimulation (such as eye movements, tapping, or auditory tones), you process the memory to reduce your distress levels.
• Phase 5: Installation – You strengthen a positive, adaptive belief to replace the old, negative belief associated with the trauma.
• Phase 6: Body Scan – You check for and release any residual physical tension or discomfort remaining in your body.
• Phase 7: Closure – At the end of a session, your therapist ensures you return to a calm, grounded and safe state.
• Phase 8: Reevaluation – At the start of the next session, you review your progress and ensure the processed memories remain stable.

What is the Purpose of the Preparation and Stabilization Phase?

The core objective of Phase 2 is to expand your window of tolerance. Trauma often leaves the nervous system highly reactive. Phase 2 acts as an emotional safety net, ensuring that when you begin to look at painful memories, you have the tools to stay anchored in the present.

During this phase, an EMDR therapist focuses on several key goals:

• Building Internal and External Resources: Your therapist helps you identify personal strengths, supportive relationships, and adaptive memory networks that will sustain you through the healing process (see my article: Developing Internal Resources and Coping Skills).
• Teaching Core Coping Techniques: You will practice actionable emotional regulation tools. These typically include breathing exercises, the ""container exercise"" (mentally shelving distressing thoughts), and cognitive grounding techniques.
• Establishing Safe State/Relaxing Place Imagery: You will co-create a vivid mental image of a safe, calm, or relaxing environment. This serves as an immediate mental retreat if processing ever feels too intense.
• Cultivating Trust and Safety: Healing trauma requires deep vulnerability. This phase solidifies the therapeutic alliance ensuring you feel completely secure with your therapist.
• Providing Trauma Psychoeducation: Knowledge is power. Your therapist explains how trauma impacts the brain, how bilateral stimulation works, and exactly what to expect during a session to take the fear out of the unknown (see my article: EMDR and the Brain).
• Assessing Clinical Readiness: Your therapist responsibly evaluates whether your nervous system is sufficiently stabilized to handle Phase 4 (Desensitization), or if your body needs more time to build coping resource.

Why is Phase 2 So Important in EMDR Therapy?

Without proper preparation, attempting to process trauma can cause a client to become flooded with emotion, hyper-aroused, or even retraumatized. If you cannot stay anchored in the present moment during EMDR, the brain cannot properly re-file the traumatic memory into an adaptive, healthy format (see my article: What is Dual Awareness in Therapy?).

Stabilization ensures that you have the psychological infrastructure to face your past safely. It minimizes the risk of adverse emotional side effects between sessions and significantly boosts the long-term success of the therapy.

Case Study: The Hidden Dangers of Rushing EMDR Processing

The following clinical vignette is a composite case designed to protect client confidentiality, illustrating why the preparation phase cannot be bypassed.

Tom, a U.S. military veteran who survived severe combat trauma in Iraq, struggled daily with debilitating Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). Desperate for immediate relief, Tom consulted with licensed EMDR therapists in his area. When they explained that he would need several sessions of preparation and stabilization before processing his combat memories, Tom felt deeply discouraged. He wanted his symptoms gone immediately.

In his frustration, Tom turned to his friend John, an unlicensed mental health intern. John had read a few books on EMDR and, despite having zero formal training, confidently offered to help Tom.

Eager to bypass the previous stages, Tom and John skipped right to Phase 4 (Desensitization). Within minutes of trying to focus on his combat memories without any coping skills, Tom’s nervous system collapsed into a dissociated state. Flashbacks took over; he genuinely believed he was back on the battlefield. Tom began shaking, weeping, and cowering on the floor, completely unaware of his safe physical surroundings.

Panicked and out of his depth, John called 911. Emergency Medical Technicians (EMTs) arrived within few minutes to ground and calm Tom, eventually restoring him to the present moment. The EMTs strictly warned John that performing advanced trauma therapies without training and licensing was dangerous, unethical, and harmful.

Weeks later, Tom’s physician referred him to a licensed mental health professional who was a trained EMDR therapist. While Tom still wished for a quick fix, he now understood the stakes. His new therapist spent dedicated time establishing his safe place imagery and building his grounding skills. When they finally began processing his trauma, Tom felt secure, supported, and anchored. The work required effort, but upon completing all eight phases safely, Tom was entirely relieved of his PTSD symptoms and successfully reclaimed his life.

Conclusion: Prioritize Safety for Lasting Trauma Relief

EMDR is a profoundly transformative, evidence-based therapy, but its safety and efficacy depend entirely on it being delivered sequentially by a qualified professional.

While it is entirely normal to want immediate relief from trauma on day one, rushing past Phase 2 puts you at risk for emotional distress and retraumatization. True healing takes time. If you are ready to explore EMDR, ensure your journey is safe and effective by working exclusively with a licensed mental health professional who holds accredited, advanced training in EMDR therapy.

About Josephine Ferraro, LCSW – NYC Psychotherapist

I am Josephine Ferraro, LCSW, a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, and Certified Sex Therapist dedicated to helping individual adults and couples build resilience, deepen connection, and achieve lasting emotional breakthroughs. My private practice is located in the 10011 zip code area, serving clients across NYC, Manhattan, and throughout New York State.

Specialized Trauma Therapy & Modern Modalities

As a dedicated trauma therapist, my core passion is helping clients process, integrate, and permanently overcome profound psychological stress and painful past experiences. Rather than relying on traditional talk therapy alone, I utilize an integrative mind-body approach to healing. I have advanced training in highly effective, evidence-based modalities, including:

• EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing)
• AEDP (Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy)
• EFT for Couples (Emotionally Focused Therapy)
• Somatic Experiencing
• Clinical Hypnotherapy

Whether you are an individual working through relational wounds or a couple looking to break distressing communication cycles, my practice provides a secure, specialized space tailored to your unique nervous system. Want to learn more about how specialized care can help you heal? Read my featured article: What is a Trauma Therapist?

Schedule a Consultation in NYC (10011)

Taking the first step toward therapy can feel overwhelming, but you do not have to navigate it alone. My practice is conveniently located for those seeking a therapist in the 10011 (Greenwich Village/Chelsea) neighborhood and surrounding Manhattan areas. 

I also offer online therapy.

• Website: Visit Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist to explore my services and therapeutic approach.
• Phone: Call (917) 742-2624 during business hours to discuss your needs.
• Email: Reach out directly through my website contact page to set up an initial consultation.

Also See My Articles:

• What is EMDR Therapy? 

• Overcoming Trauma With EMDR Therapy

• EMDR Therapy - When Traditional Psychotherapy Isn't Enough

• EMDR Therapy Helps to Achieve Emotional Breakthroughs